Hello Lovely Readers

And a special Hello to those of you who have kindly remained loyal subscribers since the beginning in 2020.

This one is for you. And it’s a special one for me to write.

It’s the last complete issue that lands in every inbox completely free, and I wanted it to be one worth keeping.

Since 2020, this newsletter has landed in your inbox for free — every issue, every topic, everything I’ve got. And I’ve loved writing it that way. But each issue takes a proper chunk of my week to research and write, and for me to keep giving it the time and care it deserves — and that you deserve — something has to shift a little.

So from the 10th September issue, the shape of things will change a little.

The first article in each issue will stay free, always — that’s a promise. So you will get the benefit of my wisdom for free in the first article. And the article will still be as relevant, helpful and fact filled as they have always been.

The second article will be for paid subscribers, at £7 a month. That’s less than a couple of coffees, for the kind of straight-talking, properly researched writing on midlife that I genuinely believe you won’t find anywhere else. And, I hope, tells you something useful you can use in your own lives.

If you choose to stay on the free list, you’ll still hear from me every issue and I’ll still be glad you’re here — no hard feelings, ever. But if 45 Not Out has made you feel seen, made you laugh, or nudged you to do something that’s made a difference to your life, I’d love you to consider upgrading. It’s the single best way to keep this newsletter alive and kicking — much like its readers.

But what about this issue?

So instead of a stat that makes you cross, or a warning that makes you sit up, I wanted to give you something a little different: a love letter to everything you now know, and a nudge to stop hiding it under a cardigan you don’t even like.

The Wisdom You’d Never Trade

I was in London last weekend, and for about a couple of hours, I had a proper wobble. Walking through the streets, surrounded by younger women who all seemed to glide past effortlessly — great hair, great outfits, not a care in the world — I felt every one of my years.

Old.

Frumpy.

Quietly wishing I could rewind the clock and be their age again, blissfully unaware of how good they had it.

And then something flipped in my head, after while of letting my thoughts run down that ever decreasing rabbit hole, I started to get better thoughts (thank you, head!)

This thought dropped into my head

Why would I trade places with any of them?

Every single decade behind me is exactly what’s brought me to standing on this pavement, running this newsletter, being the woman I actually enjoy being.

These super glamourous girls haven’t lived what I’ve lived yet.

They haven’t earned what I’ve earned yet.

I wasn’t looking at something I’d lost. I was looking at somewhere I’d already been.

That flip — from envy to something closer to gratitude — is worth bottling, because I think most of us have that exact moment more often than we admit. So let me ask you the question I asked myself on that pavement:

If you could sit your 25-year-old self down for ten minutes, what would you actually say?

I’ve asked women in this community that question in various forms over the past couple of years, and the answers are never about achievements.

Nobody says “tell her to get the promotion sooner” or “tell her to buy the flat.”

They say things like:

Tell her that most people are too busy worrying about themselves to be judging you.

Tell her the mistake she’s dreading will barely register in five years.

Tell her to trust the quiet voice that already knows the answer, instead of the loud one that’s just anxious. (This one in particular still resonates with me, even now…)

That’s the wisdom you’re sitting on right now, and it’s worth something enormous.

You’ve been fired, or nearly. You’ve loved the wrong person and survived it. You’ve stood in a hospital corridor and made a decision in thirty seconds that changed everything. You’ve negotiated a pay rise, a divorce, a difficult teenager, a grieving parent — sometimes all in the same year.

Every one of those left something behind: a small, hard-won piece of judgement that a 25-year-old simply cannot have, no matter how clever or worldly wise she is.

Here’s what I want you to notice about that wisdom, though.

It’s almost entirely invisible.

Nobody puts “handled it, eventually, and learned something” on a CV or a dating profile.

We’ve quietly agreed as a society that visible things — youth, promotions, new kitchens — are worth discussing, and invisible things — judgement, resilience, the ability to stay calm when everyone else is panicking — aren’t worth mentioning.

As you probably know by now - that doesn’t sit well with me.

I think your wisdom is the most valuable thing in the room. It’s just never been given a stage.

Which brings me to the other kind of invisibility — the one that isn’t about what you know, but about whether anyone even sees you standing there.

Style Isn’t Vanity, It’s Visibility

Here’s a set of numbers that will either make you laugh or make you cross, depending on your mood:

69% of women aged 45 to 60 say they feel invisible to the UK retail industry.

Seventy per cent believe women become “invisible” as they get older — compared with just 32% who think the same happens to men.

And the age at which this supposedly kicks in for women?

Fifty-two.

For men, it’s sixty-four. Twelve extra years of being seen, just for being born the other sex.

I don’t share that to depress you. I share it because once you know the game is rigged, you’re allowed to stop playing by its rules.

Somewhere along the way, a lot of us quietly downgraded our own style dressing to “sensible.”

Not because we stopped caring, but because caring started to feel a bit try-hard, a bit “who does she think she is.”

I suppose we are scared of looking like mutton dressed as lamb. Or trying t “out do” our daughters etc.

So we go for the safe haircut.

For example, we’d love to buy the red mini skirt (after all - we still have the legs for it) but are worried by the fact that it’s something your daughter would wear.

So we go for the brown maxi skirt instead

We’d love wild, curly long hair. But we’re scared people will think we’re trying too hard, so we go for the safe bob.

We told ourselves it wasn’t about vanity anymore, we’d grown out of all that — when really we’d just absorbed the message that fading a little was what was expected of us now.

I want to gently push back on that.

What you wear isn’t vanity.

It’s a signal to the room about whether you expect to be noticed, and whether you think you’re worth noticing.

Research on women in midlife has found something rather lovely:

Getting dressed with intention isn’t shallow. It’s a quiet daily vote for staying visible, staying present, staying in the room.

So, if nothing else this fortnight (or at least until the next newsletter) buy that red mini skirt. You know you look good in it, so who else matters?

And when it comes to the obligatory group photo at special occasions, stand in the middle of the front row instead of hovering behind it.

You’ve earned the wisdom.

Let people see the woman who’s carrying it!

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reading every free issue that’s landed in your inbox so far. From next month, this newsletter changes shape a little — I’ve outlined the changes in the newsletter above.

But, wherever I see you next time - be that the free version or the paid for version - know that I’m so grateful that you continue to allow me to drop into your inbox each fortnight.

I’ll continue to do it and even if what I write about only helps one person out of all you fab, loyal subscribers, then it’s so very worthwhile.

Look after yourselves till the next issue

Una X

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WHAT IS YOUR “TRIBE”?

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When I asked what she thought the most important thing for a mid-life woman setting out in business needed to do - the first thing out of her mouth was “find your tribe”. And although I can’t remember in detail what else we talked about on the podcast, I’ve remembered that answer.

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