As I reflect on the leaders who have most impacted the way I lead and the way I view leadership, it’s these people. I’m sure this list will continue to grow as I go throughout life, but I want to take the opportunity to call them out.

My Dad

You have modeled doing the right thing over taking the easy route. That’s what led you to move our family of ten (at the time) to Mexico even when people questioned whether it was wise or not. You navigated many challenges of pioneering a new work and studied Spanish even when it didn’t come naturally. You have made it your aim to consistently obey God’s Word even when it’s not the most popular thing to do. Because of you, I am a more courageous leader.

Allen Roth

I wasn’t the first pick for your administrative assistant, but you graciously invited me into your “inner circle”. You modeled transparent leadership and modeled what you preached. You took me on your daily prayer walks and weekly outreach ventures. You asked my opinion on challenging and complex situations and shared from your own life experiences, without glossing over the difficult parts. You are an example of being faithful in the small things. Because of you, I am a more disciplined leader.

Rod Schwartz

You are a fun-loving, passionate leader. Spending the first two years of our married lives on your team forever shaped Marci and my ideals for team life and church planting. You bring heart into everything you do and that inspires the people you lead. Your radical faith to step out into the unknown because of your love for God and people inspires others to step out as well, even when it doesn’t make logical sense. You raise the bar for fun team life! Because of you, I have more fun with the people I lead (even if I’m accused of being too serious sometimes!).

Henry Blank

You’re a team player if I’ve ever known one. You care about the success of everyone around you and are willing to set aside the seemingly urgent things of life to spend time one on one. Our regular one on ones were almost always a highlight in our work together. You ask good questions and push back when you think we’re headed in the wrong direction. You are not afraid to wade into the deep end when relationships are on the line. You go above and beyond to seek reconciliation, even when it requires a lot of time and energy! Because of you, I care more deeply about the wellbeing of those I lead.

Lyndon Risser

You’re the model of radical generosity. You have been blessed with many resources and you pull out all stops to pour it out for the Kingdom. You aren’t afraid to challenge the status quo and dream big dreams that no one else would dare consider. You inspire others to get on board with those big dreams and somehow make the impossible seem possible. Because of you, I am a more optimistic person.

Thank you Dad, Allen, Rod, Henry and Lyndon! I hope I can pass along the blessings I’ve received to those coming behind me.

I’d love to hear from you—who are the leaders that have most impacted you?

Leaders feel the pressure to know, to be confident, to be the expert. But what if that is actually eroding your ability to truly lead?

We live in the age of polarization. We can choose any issue, any topic, and find a multitude of voices that take our side. This only reinforces our already prevalent human idea that I’m right and the other side is wrong. That I’m good and the other side is bad. That my motives are honorable while the other side has malicious intent. This is happening at almost every level imaginable:

• The dialogue between generations

• The political discourse

• Doctrinal and theological conversations

• Business models

Here is the underlying problem. We see our side as having the right motives (even if we aren’t perfect) and we see the other side as having bad motives (even if we are forced to admit data or evidence on their side).

Curiosity is one of the most undersold attributes of a good leader. Abraham Lincoln is one of the most vivid examples of this. He is widely attributed to the quote, “I don't like that man. I must get to know him better.”

In the award-winning book “Team of Rivals,” Pulitzer Prize-winning historian Doris Kearns Goodwin documents Lincoln’s unusual approach to building out his presidential cabinet, which included political adversaries. She writes:

“Lincoln’s political genius revealed through his extraordinary array of personal qualities that enabled him to form friendships with men who had previously opposed him; to repair injured feelings that, left untended, might have escalated into permanent hostility; to assume responsibility for the failures of subordinates; to share credit with ease; and to learn from mistakes. …The powerful competitors who had originally disdained Lincoln became colleagues who helped him steer the country through its darkest days.”

The good news is, you can make a difference by simply choosing to get curious.

Curiosity looks at the other side and really wants to know more.

Curiosity opens the door for better understanding of the side that seems to be the enemy. Curiosity looks at “the enemy” and asks:

• How can I better understand their motives and goals?

• What is the common ground?

• What are the real differences here?

Curiosity looks at their own side and acknowledges the legitimate weaknesses and challenges.

This means opening yourself up to the critiques and challenges that the other side makes against your position or whatever it is that defines the lines that have been drawn. Curiosity looks at one’s own side and asks:

• What am I missing?

• What can I learn from the opposition?

Curiosity invites both advocates as well as critics to get more options on the table.

Curiosity takes the position that there has got to be more to the story than just two sides. There is always another way to see things. Curiosity looks at the big picture and asks:

• What are the other perspectives that we need to bring to the table?

• How can we get more information so that we can draw better conclusions?

This curiosity stuff might sound really soft. How can a curious leader ever take a strong position when they are always open to other perspectives? I am arguing that curiosity actually strengthens a leader’s courage — it doesn’t weaken it. It takes more courage to open oneself to hear the other side than it does to take an aggressive stance against “the enemy.” But not only does it require more courage to be curious, it also strengthens one’s courage when one is curious. Because when you actually take the time to gather the information, to hear even your most aggressive critics, it expands your understanding of reality. The leader who not only listens to their critics, but actually invites it, and even makes it a crucial part of their decision-making process will make more decisions that are more closely aligned with reality.

It’s not the confident leader but the curious leader who makes the best decisions. And in fact, the curious leader becomes a more authentically confident leader, because true confidence comes from taking time to better understand.

Question for reflection: What area of my life am I faking confidence? How might getting curious actually bolster my confidence?

A bunch of mini-biographies

“What to make of a life?” That’s the question that stirred Jim Collins to venture into a ten-year research project. While similar to his previous research projects that he’s famous for, this one is also very unique in that it focuses on the individual rather than an organization. When Jim Collins does research, he really does research. He and his team read more than 100,000 pages of material about the lives of 34 individuals, and evaluated their lives in pairs. They looked at similarities, patterns, and distinctions in their lives, all through the lens of this one big question, “What to make of a life?”

The result is a book that’s hard to put down. For one thing, Jim is a master researcher and the results of his study are both thought-provoking and groundbreaking. But even more so because the majority of the 300+ pages tell the story of 30+ interesting and impactful people from the past few hundred years of history. It’s almost like a series of YouTube Shorts, or a compilation of “trailers” for 34 different biographies, woven together by a data-driven researcher who draws insightful conclusions for you, the reader!

At various points along the way, I found myself thinking, why haven’t I heard of this person before?—and then going off to learn more about them on my own. For example, I read about three people who were instrumental in the Watergate Scandal in some way (wait, how does that fit into a book about living a life of meaning!?), which sparked my curiosity about this monumental political moment in US history. A few YouTube videos later, I consider myself much more educated on Watergate!

Storytelling. Intrigue. Heroes. Villains. Data analysis. Philosophical wonderings and self-reflection from a man who has deep understanding of sociology and human behavior. At times I got curious about who Jim Collins is and what his religious beliefs might be. While not always sharing his interpretations of the facts, I deeply respect his attempts to pull together such a massive set of information into a meaningful model that gets at the question, “What to make of a life?”

A framework to make sense of a life well lived

While I won’t expound on the complete framework (just buy the book if you want that!), I will highlight some of the foundational components.

Encodings. Collins concludes that there is no one purpose or meaningful way of living life, but a wide array of encodings that one discovers in life—predispositions and hardwiring one comes into life with, waiting to be discovered.

Cliffs and fog. Everyone will at some point in their lives face big changes or transitions. “While some cliffs come as terrible, even tragic events, there can also be positive or success cliffs.” Not only are cliffs definitive moments in life, they are actually part of the process of discovering one’s encodings.

“Fogs, as terrible as they can be to live through, can also reveal encodings you never knew you had.”

The best is yet to come!

Jim pushes against the assumption that we do our best work early in life. He found some of the most creative and impactful work in the lives he studied came late in life. “When you hit 60, you finish your warmup” he states in a recent podcast interview about the book. This should inspire you, no matter where you’re at in life! It almost makes me feel more relaxed and okay with what can feel like a long road of learning, growth, and discovery of my youth (even though I’m already 34!).

Bringing God into the equation (the missing link)

What I found interesting is that the book seems to be written from a non-religious point of view. The author doesn’t infer an outer force when talking about “encodings.” He doesn’t seem to credit any higher power when discussing “luck” and the “roulette of life” that deeply impacts one’s life trajectory. But his framework definitely creates a logical space for a higher power—and that’s exactly where this book carries even deeper meaning for me as a Christian.

When I bring God into the equation, this book seems to fit hand-in-glove. God is the one who wired me. He’s the one who knew me before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1) and formed me in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139). He knows me, He created me—He’s the software programmer who encoded me—and He has a purpose for my life.

Reading this book without God in the equation definitely reduces the strength of its case. In fact, it’s hard to even make a case for any meaning in life without Him in the equation. What does it look like to hold myself accountable to a life well lived if there isn’t a higher power? Who is to say that we should even look for meaning in life if we’re the mere result of happenstance?

I find it a meaningful and interesting read precisely because I expect life to have intrinsic meaning and definitive purpose. Collins’ framework connects deeply with the idea that God has masterfully created each one of us and entrusts us with resources and opportunities. We are stewards of His encodings. That, in my opinion, brings an even richer meaning to the question, “What to make of a life?” Life is not only discovery, it’s also stewardship. Because my life is not my own.

If God really did wire me this way, and He’s sovereign over my life, then the cliffs and the fog aren’t random. They can be part of His greater purpose—something to lean into with anticipation instead of dread. That connects with the picture of sitting in the saddle looking forward rather than looking backward—the posture Paul describes, not turning back but pressing on toward what’s ahead. That gives me real hope about the years in front of me, and excitement about what God wants to do in each of us. He is such an amazing encoder!

So yes, I recommend “What to Make of a Life” to you! Read it with your worldview glasses on and you will encounter a very rich and thought-provoking read!

Today I had the privilege of hosting a live webinar with James Mast about career, money, and life purpose. James lives in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, with his wife Sherilyn and their six children. He’s served on the leadership team at Life Mennonite Church, spent years as a counselor with Life Ministries, and now does life coaching focused on inner healing and life sustainability.

A winding path towards clarity

James entered the workforce at 14. By 20, he’d worked in a bulk food store, a hydroponic greenhouse, a window and screen shop, a noodle factory, run his own small trucking business, and worked in a woodworking shop. “If I would draw it out on a paper, it would be these connecting dots, not in a straight line, but up and down, around — but they all really connect.”

After a year of voluntary service, James moved into nonprofit and ministry work, both overseas and stateside, where he’s stayed for roughly two decades. Looking back, he sees each job as preparation for the next — even the ones that felt like dead ends at the time.

What changed things for him wasn’t the jobs themselves — it was getting clear about his own wiring. For a long time, James operated from a default of people-pleasing and performance, saying yes to whatever was expected of him. That worked until it didn’t. “The first initial thing was when that didn’t work for me anymore, and I was completely done, depleted... burned out. I just couldn’t do it anymore.”

Burnout became the doorway to a deeper question: not what does everyone need from me, but who does God say I am, and what has He actually gifted me to do? It was a journey of getting input from mentors, growing in emotional intelligence, and gaining insights about his strengths and wiring through assessments such as DISC, Myers-Briggs, and the Working Genius assessment.

This really connects with something Jim Collins calls “simplex stepping” in What to Make of a Life — the idea that when you’re walking through fog, you don’t sprint. You take the next faithful step, and the next, and the next…and the fog will eventually clear.

God’s provisions along the way

In James’ words, “You don’t get rich working in ministry.” 🤩 But he and Sherilyn built a habit early in their marriage of tithing, and giving beyond that as they were able. This opened the door for them to see God provide in many ways. More often it looked like seasons where nothing broke, nobody got sick, and the money simply stretched. Other times it was more miraculous in nature, such as God “healing” a car!

A few practical money tips

1. Build a budget — and don’t overcomplicate it. “A budget is not restrictive. You get to say where the money goes.” Start with a few broad categories and tweak as you go.

2. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. James has learned from personal experience that it is risky and often unwise to put all your investments in one place.

3. There’s no substitute for slow, steady stewardship. Quoting the spirit of Proverbs 13:11: money that comes easy tends to go just as easily.

4. Spend on what you’ll actually take with you. Spending your time and money on the relationships that matter most to you is well spent!

Question for reflection: Where do I see a gap between what I say is important to me and where I’m actually spending my money? What would need to change to close that gap?

Our next webinar is October 15th with Bryant Martin of Strength to Strength and Extend Cafes, on the topic of Kingdom Entrepreneurship. Learn more and register!

At the beginning of the year, I launched into life coaching full-time. Before that, it had been a side gig — something I did while serving on the DNI admin team. At the end of 2025, I stepped off the team and jumped all in—setting up my own LLC, rebranding, social media—all the work of launching a business.

It’s been an exciting season, one of much learning, growing, and trying new things! There have been moments of excitement as well as discouragement. What I’m learning first-hand is that—more than ever, I need clear decision-making filters, ways of evaluating where and how I spend my time, energy and resources.

1. Purpose 🧭

Something I’ve struggled with is the tendency to get caught up in what’s working for everyone else — the newest marketing strategies, the social media trends, the exploding AI opportunities. While I want to learn from what’s working and what isn’t for others, I’m realizing that some of the greatest frustration and inner tension that I feel is caused by spending time, energy, and resources on things that aren’t aligned with what I care deeply about.

That’s where I’ve found myself circling back to my personal vision, mission and values. These are my high-level decision-making filters, the clarity that helps keep me on track with what I feel called to. Jim Collins calls it “the inner fire”. Simon Sinek calls it “The Golden Circle”. These statements aren’t necessarily like a North Star, which never moves. It’s more like guitar strings that needs continual tuning.

God is continually working to lead and guide through life—using circumstances, people, needs, challenges, His Word, and His indwelling Holy Spirit, to guide and direct us. God is the tuning fork, and my job is to keep listening to His voice and staying true to who He’s called and created me to be — not once, but as a regular discipline, a continual relationship.

2. Priorities ⬆️ ⬇️

Different seasons call for different priorities. Staying connected to family, to friends, to God — that never stops being a priority. But right now, launching my business is a high-level priority. In a few years, maybe business will come out differently in the ranking list.

Having clarity on what comes before what matters most when push comes to shove and something has to give. When we first moved to NYC to join the DNI admin team (a small nonprofit organization), that was ranked high on our list. That’s what brought us to the city. But as God led us into planting a church and gave us an increasing sense of burden and calling toward it, the ranking shifted. Eventually one had to move down ⬇️ in priority so the other could increase ⬆️ in priority. Just because something is a good thing doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for this season. Priorities shift and change throughout the seasons of life.

3. Bandwidth 🛜

We build budgets 💰 and manage calendars 🗓️ because our time, energy and resources are limited. Bandwidth is both quantitative as well as qualitative. Evaluating your current bandwidth looks at both the amount of time you have to spread across your current commitments, as well as the level of focus and quality that is required to maintain those commitments. It’s one thing to give a few hours of time to the neighbor to help them mow the lawn. It’s quite another to commit to sit with someone for missionary debriefing or premarital counseling. Your level of mental focus and emotional investment is quite different between those two examples, even if you are giving the same amount of time.

Too often, we convince ourselves that we have time for one more thing and underestimate the bandwidth it will require of us. We don’t give enough consideration to the intangible strain or weight that comes with yet another responsibility that not only consumes our time bandwidth, but also our mental and emotional bandwidth. The sad reality is that the people we care about most are the ones who pay for our poor bandwidth budgeting.

I want to challenge you to consider these three key questions in this particular season of your life.

1. How am I doing at giving some of my best time to the relationships I say I value most?

2. What are the priorities in this season of life, and how can I better align my time, energy, and resources with those priorities?

3. What are the good things that I might need to say “no” to in order to stay aligned with my deeper “why”?

It was five years ago that I had my first session with a life coach, and little did I know how much it would impact my life. The biggest impact has been the clarity of purpose it has given me.

Does that mean I have all the answers to life now? Just ask my wife—I have more questions than ever! More things that I have to process, more uncertainties, more unknowns. But the clarity I have gleaned from a life coach is what has allowed me to press into the continual growth I’ve been able to experience. It’s what has allowed me to venture into the many unknowns.

Getting clear on what you DO know frees you up to lean into what you don’t know.

Attention is currency

The #1 commodity today is your attention. MrBeast is a pro at capturing people’s attention! He literally posted a video yesterday and now it has 21 Million views!!

Research shows that the average American is exposed to between 4,000 and 10,000 ads a day! Just try using a recipe on Pinterest (what do I know about Pinterest?!) and you’ll understand why that number is so high! 😳

I don’t have to convince you that technology is literally hooking and reeling in your attention. In 2024, it was estimated that you and I check our phones an average of 205 times a day! If that doesn’t sound right for you, check the stats on your phone. I have, and I’m too embarrassed to report my findings publicly 😬. Just check yours. 

We live in unprecedented times of distraction.

You have choice overload

Whether you’re walking down the grocery store aisle or shopping for a computer, you have so many choices! Those are just the small decisions. But then, it comes to applying for a job, deciding on college, or choosing a church. You name it, we have opportunities and choices at every turn!

Never has a generation faced so many choices and options in life. In his book, The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less, Barry Schwartz challenges one of our most deeply held assumptions that more options means more freedom, and more freedom means more happiness. He states, “Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard."

That’s why our generation needs to be borderline-radical about getting clear on purpose and priorities.

You need decision making filters

Opportunity brings decisions. Freedom to make so many decisions can become almost paralyzing. Some research suggests the average person makes approximately 35,000 choices per day — roughly one decision every two seconds during waking hours!

So what can you do to guide your decision making? Bestselling author Steven Covey puts it like this, “A personal mission statement becomes the DNA for every other decision we make." It’s sort of like this…there are so many gas stations where you could stop to refuel. But when you know the route you’re taking, you can narrow down the options to choose from.

Writing out your vision, mission and values doesn’t mean you’re locked in for life to one specific path. It simply gives you a framework through which to make the many other day-to-day life decisions.

But clarifying your purpose isn’t something that you just sit down and do after reading a blog post. It’s something that happens as you change the way you look at life.

EXAMPLE: You are a tourist in London. You might wander around the streets, enjoying the new sites and smells in an intriguing, new place. But if you get a tour guide, all of a sudden you are transported back in time as you discover the many historic sites and experience the great moments in time that happened in this amazing city you call London. The main difference is that you have a guide who is helping you see through different eyes.

And that’s what life coaches do. They help you get curious, get clarity and take action in ways that are impossible to do on your own. The rhythm of reflecting, clarifying and committing to intentional forward movement enables you to do things you would’ve never imagined possible. That’s what I’ve experienced with a life coach over the past five years and that’s why I’m excited about doing life coaching with others.

Do you have a life coach? If not, I’d love to hear from you! I offer a 45 minute discovery session. Together we will work on your SWOT analysis so that you have a tangible decision making filter right away.

Schedule discovery call

I’m not writing a sports piece because I’m a huge sports fan. Just scroll through my posts and you’ll quickly see this is an out-of-the-ordinary piece for me! I just couldn’t help seeing the inner game written all across FIFA’s final match.

Two Stars, One Scoreboard

Argentina entered the World Cup with a much-anticipated run of exciting comebacks and late-game wins. Lionel Messi, the team’s star and one of soccer’s greatest players of all time, was the center of attention.

Spain has its share of the spotlight, with forward Lamine Yamal tracking a rising stardom. Turning 19 during the World Cup, he has already established himself as the icon of the national Spain team—and perhaps the next generation of soccer.

The Real Difference

But what dominates headlines after Spain solidly won the match 1-0 are not the team’s stars but rather the differences in the teams’ performances. In the words of ESPN senior sports writer Mark Ogden:

Spain held their nerve and beat Argentina through sheer persistence and belief that their superior quality would win in the end. It did, and it was a victory for control over chaos.
Source: ESPN; emphasis added

This only became more painfully visible after the final whistle when the disappointed Argentinian team turned their anger on the celebrating Spain team. It’s hard for even the most loyal fans to stand behind this embarrassing and outright nasty sportsmanship.

But what adds to the stark contrast between teams is the utterly-calm control that the Spain team demonstrated during the entire high-stakes match against their unruly opponent. The stats say it all:

Spain vs. Argentina

68% vs. 32% possession

20 vs. 3 shots

11 vs. 0 shots on target

0 vs. 5 yellow cards, 2 red cards (1 given post-match)

Teamwork Over Stardom

The measured, disciplined sportsmanship that Spain demonstrated only served to exacerbate the aggressive, flagrant demeanor of the Argentinian team. Perhaps the most obvious lesson of the match lies in the core engines of both teams.

Whereas the defending champions rode on the shoulders of their legendary forward, Lionel Messi, the Spaniards rode on the backbone of their midfield captain, Rodrigo Hernandez.

Argentina’s strategy was “get it upfield to Messi” whereas Spain’s strategy was, “control the ball in the middle”. The extreme teamwork that Spain demonstrated, not only in the final FIFA match, but in its two-year run of 38 games without losing, is a force to be reckoned with. Luis de la Fuente best summarizes their success, “We are the most united team and that is thanks to having people with solidarity, values.” Source: Yahoo Sports

This is not just a nice statement. All you have to do is watch highlights of the final match to see this vividly. De la Fuente’s team maintained discipline and sportsmanship in the face of what the headlines are calling “an utter disgrace” and “embarrassing” behavior. Spain refused to stoop to Argentina’s brawl-like behavior and instead stayed true to their excellent sportsmanship. The win on the scoreboard and the ultimate reward of lifting the much-coveted trophy only highlights the bigger win of the day—the victory of teamwork over stardom.

The Team That Wins Before It Plays

The team that won was the team that had already won in the locker room. The team that had so internalized their values that they could show up on the world’s biggest stage and stay true to who they were, even in the face of ugly opposition.

The question I’m reflecting on—and want to invite you to sit with—is this: how would my leadership look different if I shifted the attention away from the tactics of winning and focused more on the characteristics of a winner? How would my leadership change if I thought more deeply about what winning would look like inside before focusing on winning on the field?

Leave your comments below! What did you think about the game?

When you get sick, you don’t feel the sickness — you feel the symptoms (eg. a fever, a cough, bumps all over your body). What you feel is not the real issue. The real issue is that a virus has invaded your body, and what you’re seeing is your body’s reaction to the virus’ invasion. So when you treat the symptoms, it brings temporary relief — but it doesn’t change the issue.

And that’s so often what happens in relationships, in organizations, in life. We see the symptom, and right away we jump into problem-solving mode. We come up with a cure. We rarely take the time to actually face and understand what the real issue is because we don’t take the time to get curious about what’s really going on.

Reactive Leader vs. Curious Leader

It’s like when you go to the doctor and describe your symptoms. A bad doctor jumps right into diagnosis mode. A good doctor takes the time to get curious about what’s really going on under the surface — to seek to understand, to not rush the diagnosis, but take the time to find the real issue at hand. That one difference can completely change the outcome of your care.

Leadership works the same way. The real distinction isn’t good leader versus bad leader — it’s reactive leader versus curious leader.

A reactive leader sees the symptoms, jumps to diagnosis, and moves quickly into problem-solving mode.

A curious leader takes the time to go through the process of observation — gathering the information, hearing the different points of view, understanding the dynamics at play. Sometimes that means asking a few more questions and slowing down (which, if you ask my wife, slowing down is not what I naturally do!). It means paying attention (ouch, if you ask my daughters, I often don’t do so well at this either!). This gives you the space to recognize the reactivity within and to start seeing the relationship dynamics and systemic patterns at play.

Observation —> Interpretation —> Intervention

In the book The Practice of Adaptive Leadership, the authors describe a framework for adaptive change: Observation —> Interpretation —> Intervention.

Observation means taking the time to see beyond what’s actually in front of you. As Daniel Kahneman puts it, most of us operate from the standpoint that “What you see is all there is”. We subconsciously act as if what we see (or know, or experience) were the whole story. Curiosity assumes the opposite—that there is more to the story than meets the eye.

From observation, you move into interpretation. The more you slow down and get multiple interpretations on the table, the more understanding you gain. It forces you past the tunnel vision or hasty conclusions that lead to much misunderstanding and confusion.

This lays the foundation for meaningful change through intervention—trying and experimenting with potential solutions. Slowing down does not mean staying stuck. It means delaying action long enough to better understand what solutions are more likely to address the real challenges.

The Pressure to Already Know

Moving through those three steps is what leads to a more helpful diagnosis. But it’s hard, because as leaders we feel the need to be the expert who already knows, the one who produces results. When we can actually allow ourselves the space to get curious — to recognize that we’re probably not seeing the whole story yet — it gives us the opportunity to truly understand what’s going on.

So I want to encourage you today, ask yourself this:

What would need to change in the way you see yourself as a leader in order to allow yourself to get curious about what’s truly happening? What would free you to observe from a learner’s standpoint, rather than being the immediate problem-solver?

I don’t know about for you, but it’s hard for me to believe that we’re already halfway through 2026.

I want to ask you a few questions to reflect at this point in the year.

Looking Back

At the halfway mark, as you look back on the first six months of your year:

• What are the big wins that you had?

• How did you move into those big wins?

• What were some barriers or some roadblocks? Some challenges that kept you from moving further into your priorities of the year?

Looking Forward

As you look forward to the next half of the year, what are the things that you can do to live out of the things you learned from the first half of the year?

Because life is not so much about knowing each and every thing that you’re going to get done and then making sure that you get each and every thing done that you write down on your list or that you prioritize.

But it’s more about living life as a learner.

So taking time to reflect at this point of the year, looking back:

• How did I do in moving into what I said was most important to me?

• What were the things that hindered that?

• What are the things that contributed towards that?

And then as you look at the next half of the year, prayerfully considering:

• What are some key areas of my life that I need to invest significant time, energy, and resources?

• And how am I going to do that?

• What are the significant shifts or changes that I need to make in the way I’m living my life so that I can prioritize what I say is most important to me?

Three Things

I want to encourage you and challenge you: make it attainable. Narrow it down to three things. Three priorities for these next six months.

These aren’t the only things that you’re going to prioritize, but these are the top three things that you’re going to put your best time and energy into.

Because we accomplish less than we think we can in a day, and more than we think we can over a cumulative time and space.

And when we prioritize and strategize and are intentional about aligning our time, energy, and resources in the same direction over time, I think you’ll be surprised at the forward movement that you will experience. At the growth that you will experience. At the maturity and the learning that you’ll experience as you take time to reflect, to prioritize, and evaluate.

Reflect, prioritize, reevaluate — and continue that process as you lean into what God is calling you to prioritize in this season of life.

FREE TOOLKIT: If you want help doing this work — not just thinking about it — I built a free toolkit for exactly this. A PDF workbook to define your Vision, Mission, and Values, plus a short training on building strategic planning rhythms.

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People want experts to solve their problems. When you become an expert at something, people will keep coming back to you to solve their problems. You’re needed, therefore you’re an ideal candidate to lead. You’re placed in a leadership role because you are an expert at solving problems.

But here’s the challenge: problems keep coming your way, faster than you can solve them. You have more work than you can handle, so you need to expand your capacity. Maybe you do this by hiring more people, streamlining your systems and processes, and getting more powerful tools. But if you’re exceptionally good at solving problems, you’ll continue to get more work than you have the capacity for (after all, isn’t that a good problem to have?).

The hallmark of an expert businessman, pastor, or pretty much any leader is that they are busy. Maybe that’s the reason you’re reading this article—because you feel maxed out and are wanting another expert to tell you how to expand your leadership capacity so that you can continue solving more problems with your expertise! Your competence got you here. Your competence may also be the ceiling.

I’m wondering if one of the primary causes of leadership overwhelm and burnout is being caused by the very thing that propels us to seeming success—our competence at solving problems. Here’s what I’m talking about:

1. The doctor who sees 25 clients in a day, and provides a prescription or requires a specialist visit for just about every diagnosis. They have so many patients to help that they have no time to ask more thorough questions. It’s no wonder the treatments rarely get at the underlying issues!

2. The pastor who preaches most Sundays, sits on all the committees, and leads all the meetings. There is very little room for others to shoulder some of the vision, direction, and responsibilities. And then the pastor wonders why they don’t have any qualified candidates for leadership.

3. The parents who continue making all the significant decisions for their children. But then they wonder why their children completely disconnect from them when they no longer need someone to make their decisions.

That’s why expanding your leadership capacity is one of the most scary things you’ll ever do! Because it means letting go of the very thing that has gotten you to where you’re at—being an expert problem-solver.

Mindset Shifts to Expand Your Leadership Capacity

1. Challenges are not primarily something to be solved but rather a space to learn and grow. If you get serious about slowing down your problem-solving response, you will probably start to realize just how reactive you have been. For me, I saw this showing up in my parenting and even in my marriage! The closer the person to me, the more likely I am to see a solution to their problems.

2. Your role as leader is less about solving the presenting problem and more about getting curious and getting to the root of the problem. I can’t count how many times I have started to blurt out a potential solution and then PAUSE (hmm, what question could I ask instead?), and then ask a half-baked question. After a few seconds, that question becomes more refined and I can ask it again in a more curious way.

3. Your role is not to provide expert solutions but instead to lead others into learning. Asking questions won’t automatically squelch your problem-solving itch. In fact, it can become a repackaging of it. That’s why reframing the end goal is so crucial. You’re now asking questions with the goal of getting as many options on the table as possible rather than trying to find the one right option. And you’re evaluating the outcomes less from the standpoint of “success/failure” and more from the standpoint of “what can we learn from this?”

What you’re doing is shifting your leadership away from primarily solving problems and towards expanding the capacity of those you’re leading. In the words of Liz Wiseman, “A bad leader will tell people what to do. A good leader will ask questions and let his or her people figure out the answers. A great leader asks the questions that focus the intelligence of their team on the right problems….Multipliers get more from their people because they are leaders who look beyond their own genius and focus their energy on extracting and extending the genius of others” (Multipliers). I would go as far to say that you would not be the leader that you are if it weren’t for another leader who drew out the best in you.

I have a question for you: What is one thing you must stop doing as a leader so that you can help others around you increase their leadership capacity?

This post is the final post of the series “The Five (Boring & Scary) Things that Leaders Do”

Part 5

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

Leading meetings has a lot of similarities to piloting a plane. You first need to prepare the plane and get the right people onboard. Next, you need to get the plane off the ground (every time I see a 400 ton Boeing 747 take off I feel I’m seeing a miracle!). After you get to the desired elevation, you’re using the navigational instruments to keep the plane on course to the final destination, making adjustments as needed based on the flight conditions. Finally, you’re guiding the plane into descent and skillfully landing the plane on the tarmac, which is universally recognized as the most critical part of the journey. We’ll come back to this analogy in a moment…

Meetings—a Necessary Evil?

I want to ask you a question though: If your organizational health were evaluated by the effectiveness of your meetings, how would you come out? According to Patrick Lencioni, “No action, activity, or process is more central to a healthy organization than the meeting.” He goes on to say, “If someone says you have an hour to investigate a company, I wouldn’t look at the balance sheet. I’d watch their executive team in a meeting for an hour. If they are clear and focused and have the board on the edge of their seats, I’d say this is a good company worth investing in.”

As a leader, it’s easy to feel like meetings are a “necessary evil”, something to show up for, something expected of you as a leader, but it’s hard to feel like it’s what actually moves the needle, or makes the greatest impact. It’s unlikely that you would rank meetings in the top three most impactful contributions to the people that you’re leading. But what if it was?

Meetings are simply a group of two or more people coming together for conversations that matter. That’s why it’s so crucial that leaders recognize the centrality of meetings to their leadership. If you’re not intentionally cultivating rhythms in your organization for conversations that matter, this should give you pause. On the other hand, if you have so-called meetings that are no longer creating space for conversations that matter, you should cancel them! Stop having them! Be kind to yourself and others by eliminating a time-waster.

3 Key Measures of Meaningful Meetings

1. People showing up to the meeting. This is so elementary, I almost hesitate to even say it. If people aren’t coming to the meeting, it’s probably not important to them. Maybe this frustrates you. You’re using valuable time to prepare for the meeting, and then to show up. And it feels disrespectful when others don’t do the same. But instead of getting frustrated, try getting curious.

• What are the unspoken expectations that people have for the meeting before showing up? How are those expectations not being met?

• What is the range of emotion that each individual is experiencing during the meeting? How might those emotions impact their desire to show up?

• What are the external factors that make it difficult for them to attend? Are there small changes (e.g., time, location) that could reduce the friction?

2. People engaging in the meeting. No matter the purpose of your meeting, it is crucial that your meetings are interactive by design. As soon as your meeting turns into a monologue, you should consider canceling it. Record a quick video or send a detailed email instead. No need to waste everyone’s precious time coming together just to hear reports or hear you talking about what you think is important.

How wide is the engagement? If only 25% of the attendees are doing the talking, why is that? Is it that the other 75% don’t have anything to contribute, or is it that you’re not inviting them to engage in meaningful ways? Or, are there people at the meeting that really don’t need to be there? Low engagement levels just might indicate that your meeting has become too inclusive.

Either way, it’s your responsibility as a leader to dig into the why behind low engagement. So much potential is wasted by low engagement in meetings. Stop wasting other people’s time by expecting them to show up if you’re not going to expect them to engage as well.

3. People committing to outcomes. Ultimately, a meeting has little value if it doesn’t contribute to forward movement in some way. Whether it’s contributing to the growth of the participants, or rallying people behind an initiative, there has to be a clear call to action for after the meeting. It might be as simple as getting a verbal agreement to process a certain question in anticipation of the next meeting, or as deep as taking responsibility to execute on the plan that was agreed upon in the meeting.

Make Meetings More Engaging!

A. Set ground rules for the meeting. Establishing key expectations from the group regarding engagement is critical to healthy dialogue (and sometimes debate!). Define what showing up means and what’s acceptable and not acceptable. Here are a few examples:

• What are acceptable reasons to not show up?

• What level of focus is expected from each person?

• What behavior is celebrated and rewarded and what behavior is discouraged or “punished”?

If you are leading virtual meetings, this is especially important. For example, is it okay to send direct messages to teammates while you’re on the meeting? Is it okay to do research on Google if it’s on-topic (hopefully not if it’s off-topic!)?

Defining expectations and holding people accountable to these expectations will dramatically impact the quality of your meetings.

B. Clarify and agree on the outcomes. What sets a meeting apart from a casual conversation is a defined purpose for coming together. There is a time for hanging out, shooting the breeze, talking about the weather, about sports, about the children, about anything really. But that’s not what people show up for at a meeting. It’s crucial that there is clarity surrounding why you’re setting aside this block of time together. Defining the purpose is key, since it establishes the outcomes you are seeking together.

C. Start the descent. As a leader, you must constantly navigate the tension between encouraging open dialogue and driving toward a final decision. Remember: clarity doesn’t guarantee agreement, and agreement doesn’t guarantee clarity—you absolutely need both. Guiding a group through this is a learned skill, almost an art form. You are actively framing the discussion, inviting input, and steering the plane toward its destination. You’ll know you are ready for descent—ready for closure and commitment—once the core issue is defined, key stakeholders have weighed in, and the underlying emotions in the room have been acknowledged.

D. Land the meeting smoothly. A successful descent towards a clear, agreed-upon outcome is what your entire meeting will be measured by. There are three ways of landing (only one is desirable!):

• Keep circling (and circling, and circling…) The conditions are never quite right to commit to the next step. This often results from unresolved emotions that are debilitating both you the leader as well as the rest of the group.

• Crash landing - Little attention is given to the process of descending from 30,000 feet to the runway. This happens when you are so driven to get the job done that you miss the key questions, you don’t tune in to the emotion in the room, and sideline key stakeholders.

• Gradual descent and smooth landing - It starts with knowing what a successful “landing” looks like for your group. In aeronautics, there is the “3:1 rule of descent” for landing a plane. You need three miles of travel for every thousand feet of descent. This gives a pilot a starting point for charting a successful landing plan. Of course, there are factors that change that—such as the speed and direction of the wind, the elevation of the airport, and the terrain you are flying over.

If it goes smoothly, no one will probably remember it; but you have successfully guided your meeting through the most challenging part—getting to the end destination with everyone still onboard!

So I’m curious, what are you going to do today to evaluate the effectiveness of your meetings?

What is one thing you could change to create a more rewarding experience for everyone in your next “flight” together?

This post is part 5 of the series “The Five (Boring & Scary) Things that Leaders Do”

Part 4

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

John Wooden is famously quoted: “You can lose when you outscore somebody in a game. And you can win when you’re outscored.” Considered by many to be the greatest college basketball coach in history, Wooden captures the idea of measuring what truly matters. You might get more points on the scoreboard and play a terrible game. Or, you might play the best game of your life but the opponent got more points on the scoreboard.

For Wooden, his team’s success was less about what the scoreboard said and more about the effort that each team member put forth. “Winning is the byproduct of your preparation…not trying to be better than someone else but being the best that you could be.” Wooden’s players claim he wouldn’t even tell them who they were going to be playing against! (Be inspired by this short interview clip.)

You’re telling everyone what truly matters!

Leaders hold significant sway over outcomes simply by what they pay attention to. And that is why leaders measure what truly matters. It’s not that good leaders measure what matters. It’s that all leaders measure something, and whatever they measure is what actually matters to them.

Most of what you measure may happen subconsciously. You measure the emotion in the room so that you know how to respond. You measure your success based on the negative or positive comments that you receive from others. You measure the success of your team based on the positive or negative reviews you receive on social media. All of this happens without you even knowing it, but it impacts how you lead. Because what you pay attention to as “the bottom line” communicates what truly matters.

Two Pitfalls

If you feel your team is focusing on the wrong things, then just maybe you have been measuring the wrong things. When you measure the wrong things, it incentivizes violations of your vision, mission, and values. It drives you away from what truly matters. It gives you a false sense of success.

Another pitfall is to measure nothing at all. When you measure nothing, you create a state of confusion for those you lead. On the one hand, you say something is important, but on the other hand, you’re not really committed to it because you don’t pay attention to it. This allows people to show up and not really care about the purpose. It also allows you to evade uncomfortable questions such as:

• How are we doing?

• What isn’t working?

• How can we do better?

Objective and subjective are both necessary

There are different ways to measure. Objective measurement involves data collection and tracking (eg. Profit & Loss, Balance Sheet, Attendance record). Subjective measurement involves assigning a value to what one is observing or experiencing (eg. Red, Yellow, Green; Stuck, Lagging, Tracking). Both are helpful, but it’s often hard to get hard data for some of the most important things that you’re tracking. Don’t let that sway you from pressing in! Find a way to assign value to what you or others are sensing or experiencing.

If you or others on your team have a high value for fact, it will be hard to accept feeling or sense as a legitimate way of measuring something. This is not meant to replace the objective numbers. Instead, you as the leader are pushing people to look beyond those hard, cold numbers and asking the question, What truly matters here? How can we keep focusing on what we’re truly about?

Here’s what you can do to give it a try…

Get your vision, mission, and values in front of you and start digging. In your next team meeting or gathering, get the pulse of the group. Read one of the statements and then ask, “How are we doing?” But don’t stop there. “What are ways we are doing well and how are we falling short?” This pushes people to go beyond simply, “We’re doing alright!”

Capture a “measurement” based on the group reflection. Let’s assign “Yellow” to this since we are seeing significant shortcomings in this area. We need a lot of growth in this area and should be paying attention.

Define actions that your team has control over that you believe will ultimately bear the fruit you want to see. Rather than stopping at, We want to make our community a better place, ask the next question, What are specific behaviors or actions that might make our community a better place? Then experiment. Try something new and as a group and evaluate your efforts. It could be as simple as assigning a label or color to your efforts.

You evaluate and measure because reality matters!

At the end of the day, measuring what matters communicates that you want to know the truth of the matter. It requires you to continually evaluate what you’re measuring and whether it’s actually connected to the stated purposes of your organization’s existence. It requires you to take ownership rather than making excuses. It requires you to get better at asking questions that lead to constructive evaluation. It sets the tone for the culture that you’re creating. It builds a culture where work isn’t just about filling a job description but about giving your very best to a cause much bigger than yourself.

This post is part 4 of the series “The Five (Boring & Scary) Things that Leaders Do”

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

In the movie Darkest Hour, Winston Churchill famously rides a London subway car to gauge the public’s sentiment about the war. In this poignant scene, the Prime Minister steps onto The Underground (as the subway system is called) with housewives, children, and the working class. As he walks through the jerking car, casually chatting with his captive audience, he poses the question that weighed on him. “If the worst came to pass and the enemy were to appear on those streets above, what would you do?”

The response was unanimous. “FIGHT!”

“And what if… we get favorable terms from Mr. Hitler if we enter into a peace deal with him right now? What would you say to that?”

“NEVER!”

While this heart-moving scene most likely never happened, the reality behind it was somewhat true: Churchill regularly slipped away from his Downing Street echo chamber to walk the war-scarred streets with everyday people who were suffering because of the war.

Yet, he simultaneously distrusted fickle public opinion. “Nothing is more dangerous in wartime than to live in the temperamental atmosphere of a Gallup poll, always feeling one’s pulse and taking one’s temperature...” Churchill famously quipped. “…the British nation will find it very hard to look up to leaders who are detected in that somewhat ungainly posture.”

This highlights one of the tensions in leadership: how to actively pursue honest feedback without leading based on public opinion.

Three Feedback Dangers to Avoid

Feedback is one of the easiest things to ask for and one of the hardest things to get. That’s because sending a survey or asking “What do you think?” is easy! But actually listening with a posture that invites honest feedback is whole different matter.

1. Survey Fatigue

Odds are you’ve never heard anyone begging you for another survey or feedback form to fill out. I’ve archived or thrown away countless requests for my feedback. Not because I don’t have feedback to offer but simply because I don’t feel like spending 10-15 minutes filling out a form that may or may not ever get read or responded to! Leaders who expect forms and emails to automatically generate meaningful, ground-level feedback are only kidding themselves.

2. Negative Feedback Immunity

Another connected challenge is when leaders use positive feedback to prove they are on track, and write off negative feedback as irrelevant because “we’ve heard that before and they just don’t understand.” When a leader becomes immune to feedback, input only reinforces their existing ruts.

3. Lazy Questioning

If you ask a lazy question (“Any thoughts on how the event went?”), you will get a lazy answer (“It was good!”). Good feedback is anchored in asking the right questions in the right way. Getting curious. Probing and exploring the underlying feelings that only the observant, courageous leader can see and lean into.

Getting honest feedback is less about crafting the “right question” and more about the posture of your listening.

Getting Down to Street Level

The most candid insights happen when you aren’t in the room—when people let their guard down with their peers. But if the best feedback happens in your absence, how do you hear it? Not by eavesdropping, but by finding ways to “disguise your leadership”. This starts by you stepping out of your role as leader and into the role of curious observer.

It takes creativity to get down to street level. Whenever you (the leader) come around, people will automatically put on their best behavior. Perhaps the key lies not so much in how you get to street level but more in whether you actually lead at the street level.

All political opinions aside, that is perhaps one of the reasons Zoran Mamdani won the recent bid for NYC mayor. He was perceived as “one of” the people. He was very active on social media platforms, out on the streets participating in the causes that people cared about, and tuned in to the needs and desires of the voters. He was perceived as “one of us” rather than a political mogul disguised in street clothes.

As you get down at the street level with those you’re leading so that you can truly listen and engage in authentic ways, that’s when structured feedback loops will actually start working. People give honest feedback in structured ways only when they feel you’re “with them.”

Valuing Truth Over Ego

Why is feedback so painful? Because leaders routinely attach their self-worth to their operational performance. They run a dangerous internal equation:

• Positive Feedback = Good Leader = I am valued and worthy.

• Negative Feedback = Bad Leader = I am not valued and not worthy.

If this is your “leadership math,” then you must control the feedback you hear just to stay emotionally stable. The moment negative feedback hits, you end up in the gutter, forcing you to fish for positive praise in order to climb back out. Under reactive leadership like this, people quickly learn to just say what makes you feel good.

A healthy leader leads out of an anchored view of self, knowing that their own reactivity is their greatest enemy. Because the leader who disconnects from reality to protect their ego is on a death course for both themselves and those they lead. When others experience you as secure in who you are, they can be vulnerable about the hard truth without fearing the repercussions.

Finding the “Silent Middle”

To get the truth, you must also realize that not all feedback is of equal weight.

1. Raving fans will always tell you you’re amazing.

2. Ardent critics will always tell you you’re terrible.

3. The silent middle remains silent because they have something to lose by giving honest feedback.

While both raving fans and ardent critics are worth noting, the feedback you must listen to closest is from those who have something to lose by giving it. When the silent middle speaks up and risks your disfavor by sticking out their neck, pay close attention to what they have to say! Resist the urge to immediately act or immediately dismiss it. Invite more of it! Practice the discipline of sitting with the discomfort and get curious.

Managing the Heat

According to Ronald Heifetz’s Adaptive Leadership framework, leadership is a lot like managing a pressure cooker. If there’s zero heat, your ingredients stay safe, raw, and completely separate; you never get the rich nuance of a savory, unified dish. But if the heat gets too high, the meal burns and the flavor is ruined.

A healthy leader acts as a thermostat, not a thermometer. A thermometer merely records the temperature; a thermostat regulates it. Actively pursuing honest feedback intentionally turns up the heat. The goal is keeping the tension at a productive level where growth happens without burning your people.

Getting honest feedback is so much more than sending out another survey—it’s about cultivating a healthy community. It’s about learning to ask the right questions, listening with a humble posture, and staying anchored in a healthy view of self. This will create a culture where everyone can safely give and receive honest feedback out of an authentic pursuit of continual learning and growth.

This post is part 3 of the series “The Five (Boring & Scary) Things that Leaders Do”

Part 2

Part 1

As a leader, you are busy. Your organization is growing and there are always people to connect with, tasks to complete, fires to put out, and conflicts to resolve. At the end of the day, you feel drained and weary. In that state, it’s hard to find the energy to write things down.

So why is it so crucial for leaders to document information? Because documentation is the mechanism to scaling your leadership.

A. Clarify Purpose

Getting your vision, mission, and values in writing provides you and your team with decision-making filters. There are so many “good” things you could do, but writing down your organization’s purpose helps identify which opportunities you are aligned with.

• Clarifies what matters: It clarifies what your organization is “wired for”, what your unique calling is

• Defines good stewardship: It provides you with “guard rails” so that you can stay on course and wisely use your time, energy, and resources

• Attracts the right people: It ensures you get the right people onboard and provides a rallying point during times of uncertainty

B. Define Authority (Job Descriptions)

One of the biggest causes of frustration on a team is a lack of clarity about who is responsible for what. Writing job descriptions is your way of giving your team the authority they need to go out and do what is expected of them.

• Involve the team: Document areas of responsibility with their input. The process is often as important as the outcome.

• Describe the role: Create the job description for the role, not the specific person currently in it.

• Continuously Revise: Job descriptions should be living documents that change to reflect reality. Set a regular cadence for reviewing and updating them—with input from your direct reports.

C. Establish Consistency (Process)

Documenting a process does not have to be a play-by-play of every task. Focus on the things that happen regularly and are essential to your mission. For effective process documentation, you only need three things:

1. Trigger: What initiates the process? (An action, a date, etc.)

2. Scope: Where does it start and stop? What are the specific parameters for this process?

3. Role Responsible: Who is responsible for seeing this through to the end?

D. Create Precedent (Decisions)

Documenting decisions starts with note-taking in meetings. This ensures decisions are communicated consistently and prevents the same “closed” topics from being reopened later. AI now makes this so easy!

Taking notes at meetings creates a record of discussions and decisions, which becomes a knowledge base for your organization. Well-documented decisions are crucial to leadership succession, as they provide a wealth of knowledge for future leaders (and current leaders as well!). Precedent is simply a history of past decisions that create a framework for future decision-making.

Why go to the effort?

As a leader, you don’t have to do all the typing or file management yourself, but you must make it a priority. It is critical to scaling your leadership because:

• It puts power in the hands of your team; they know what is authorized.

• The organization becomes less dependent on you for technical answers.

• You save time by not making the same decision over and over.

• You gain mental space to focus on “adaptive challenges”—those complex decisions that don’t have a clearly defined path.

The Rule of Thumb

There is such a thing as over-documenting. I have been accused of this a time or two! To avoid this, use the 1-2-3 Rule:

• If it happens once, it’s a one-off.

• If it happens a second time, take mental note.

• If it happens a third time, document it.

The Bottom Line

Don’t assume documentation is a waste of time just because you don’t look at a specific file every day. Documentation is a discipline that increases your clarity as a leader. And when you are clear about what you can know, it allow you to lean into the parts of leadership that are very uncertain—which increases your organization’s capacity to serve and make a difference.

This post is part 2 of the series “The Five (Boring & Scary) Things that Leaders Do”

Part 1

In leadership, some of the most important things are also the most boring and scary.

BORING, because the most important things need to be done over and over again. It can feel so unglamorous, so we either stop doing them or we delegate to someone else so that we can do “more important things.”

SCARY, because important work often causes discomfort in ourselves and others. We avoid, ignore, and busy ourselves doing things that feel more productive and less disruptive.

That’s why I want to challenge us to get clear about five things that are boring and scary, but that are crucial to effective leadership. The five things are:

1. Document Important Information

2. Get Honest Feedback

3. Measure What Matters

4. Prioritize Meaningful Meetings

5. Expand Leadership Capacity

The next few weeks, I will be writing in detail about each of these five disciplines of effective leadership.

Questions for reflection:

1. Which of these are you strong in?

2. Which do you most avoid?

3. Are there other aspects of leadership that feel scary or boring to you?

👇🏼 💬 Share your thoughts in the comments below! 👇🏼 💬

Want to measure the effectiveness of your leadership? Here is a key measure to pay attention to: the depth of your relationships with the people you lead. A leader can get a lot done without relationship (sometimes the most productive leaders in the short run are domineering, even dictatorial!). But in the long run, the most effective leaders will always out pace the productive leaders. Because effective leaders know that deep relationships are necessary to accomplishing anything of value.

Vulnerability Builds Uncommon Trust

EQUATION: Effective leadership, anchored in —> Deep relationship which is cultivated through —> Vulnerability-based trust

Vulnerability-based trust is a willingness to be fully human and verbalize one’s fears, feelings and failures. When we can say, “You know what, I’m learning, and I have a long way to go,” it reminds those we are leading that we are human beings, not just a name on a job description.

Patrick Lencioni captures this when he writes:

“When everyone on the team knows that everyone else is vulnerable enough to say things such as ‘I screwed up’ or ‘I need help’ or ‘I’m sorry’ and they know that you mean it and that no one is going to hide his or her weaknesses or mistakes, they develop a deep and uncommon sense of trust.”
“The Advantage”, Patrick Lencioni

Trust is the anchor of relational leadership. When trust is present, people speak more freely and fearlessly. They don’t waste time or energy “putting on airs” or pretending to be someone they aren’t.

Giving the Gift of Trust

Your level of vulnerability with those you lead will determine the depth of the relationship you can have with them. And the depth of your relationship with those you lead will impact the level of trust they can have in your leadership. When you open yourself to real, human-to-human relationships with those you lead, it paves the way for navigating the storms together.

But we also have to remember that trust is a two-way street.

• Giving the Gift of Trust: You can “stick your neck out” and trust people who haven’t even proven themselves yet. This sets the stage for them to either reciprocate, or to break the trust that you’ve extended.

• Stewarding the Gift of Trust: When people follow you, they are giving you the gift of trust. This is not something to be taken lightly, and it should challenge you to continually pursue growth and seek to bring your best to the table on behalf of the team.

The Risk and the Reward

I don’t want to paint a picture of “happily ever after” for relational leadership. In fact, when you choose to be vulnerable and cultivate deep relationships, you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain, disillusionment, and disappointment. You are giving people the space to mess up. You are giving people access to places in your life where they can let you down in very personal ways.

But the reality is, you can’t have one without the other. The greatest joys we experience in life are experienced in the same space where the greatest pains are experienced. We were created for relationship, and cultivating relationship comes with a cost.

I can’t help but think of Jesus, our perfect example of a relational leader. Think the Last Supper. Jesus is sitting at the table, washing His disciples’ feet—including the one who would betray Him and the ones who would deny and abandon Him. He brings them into His inner circle—into His intimate relationship with His Heavenly Father—and makes Himself so vulnerable that one of His closest disciples becomes part of the plan to kill Him.

When you try to protect yourself from pain, you might avoid short-term hurt, but you will suffer the long-term consequences of never truly connecting the way God created you to. And your leadership will never reach the capacity you were created for.

I want to challenge you to consider, what might be one way you could get a little more vulnerable with those you’re leading? What is that one area that you go into self-preservation mode? How might you be holding people at arm’s length without even realizing it? As you intentionally press into relationships with authenticity and openness, expect inner resistance and uncomfortable feelings. But hang in there! Give yourself the permission to feel awkward! And you might be surprised by the response from those around you.

One of the most impactful questions you will ever ask yourself is this: The day before I die, what is going to truly matter? Perhaps this is just another way to state one of Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Successful People: “Start with the end in mind.” If you were given the rare opportunity to gain an “aerial view” of your life and you could see the entire timeline from start to finish, how would this change the way you are living right now?

Perhaps this is what the psalmist means when he writes, “So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom” (Psalm 90:12). It’s not that the last day of your life is more important that any other day. It’s just sort of like a marathon race. Every step, every mile, is important, but the way you cross the finish line is the culmination of the entire race. It doesn’t really matter how you ran at any point in the race if you can’t run across the finish line.

Use these three questions to evaluate your decisions today:

1. On the last day of my life, what is going to truly matter to me?

2. What will I define as “success”?

3. What will be the accomplishments that truly matter to my future self?

These questions just might help you gain clarity for the choices and decisions that you are making today.

Here are the three things that I wrote down for myself as I reflected on these questions.

What success will look like to Ian’s future self

• Enduring relationships (with God, wife, children, and close friends)

• A transparent life (no fear, nothing to hide)

• Deep investment in the next generation (not about legacy for me but instead optimal success for those coming behind me)

👇🏼I’d love to hear your reflections in the comments below! 👇🏼

What does success look like to your future self? How might this impact your decisions today?👇🏼

This post is a collaborative resource post. It is a compilation of feedback and resources that I’ve been getting from people over the past week. I have tried to synthesize the content a bit, but it is meant to be just that—a resource guide, not an academic post 😁.

What is sexual discipleship?

With that said, I want to start with the “why” for this post. I believe our Christian communities are in dire need of sexual discipleship, which points back to the broader discipleship challenges that our churches are facing. And what does sexual discipleship look like?

“Sexual discipleship is a lot more than a ‘talk’ or retreat teaching about sexual purity. It means walking with people through the journey of sexuality through all stages of life and addressing questions that arise from life experience and cultural pressures. Sexual discipleship goes beyond sex education. Biblical sexual discipleship paints a complete picture of sexuality as not simply something to avoid but a great gift to be treasured, celebrated, and reclaimed.”
Sexual Discipleship: What Is It, and Why Is It Important?, Juli Slattery

If you are convinced that sexual discipleship is necessary but don’t know where to start, I want to reassure you that you’re not alone! I will be the first to say that there are no silver bullets (for both discipleship as a whole as well as sexual discipleship in particular). No tool or resource will automatically make you an effective discipler.

Pursue discipleship

Discipleship starts from the premise that Jesus is the source of forgiveness, healing and freedom and a living relationship with Him is where we can walk in the Abundant Life. If we focus on the do’s and don’ts, we will get legalistic rule followers (or at least people who attempt to do so when others are watching). But rule-following will never change a person’s desires and subconscious responses. There has to be something deeper.

Jeremy highlights the importance of safe community. A place where you can be vulnerable and open and can experience God’s grace through people. “Living and being in community and accountability with other men, and sharing struggles in a safe place is so healthy for sexual discipleship.”

And that’s where the word “discipleship” is so key. Instead of focusing on the bad thing we are trying to get rid of, or the negative trend in society that we’re trying to overcome, we must focus on the positive goal that we are aiming for.

So what is that goal? I think Josh’s thoughts sum it up well. “Too often we focus on the sin and getting rid of it rather than focusing on Christ and living in His grace. Our goal is to help others see themselves as God sees them.”

Pursue friendship

If we reduce sexual discipleship to merely penitence or confession of our shortcomings, it will only reinforce the shame and distorted identity. I think Samuel James puts it well:

“…there’s a difference between weaving hard questions into the tapestry of friendship, and isolating ‘accountability’ as an end-goal in itself. More importantly, men lose something profoundly valuable when churches pursue accountability apart from committed friendships and thick relationships. The wounds of a friend can be faithful (Proverbs 27:6), but the wounds of an ‘accountability partner’ can reinforce patterns of shame and fear, giving the impression that life in Jesus’ family is less like a band of brothers and more like a bloodthirsty board of directors.”

“Why Christian Men Need Friendship, Not Just ‘Accountability’”, Samuel James

Jason recently shared his personal experience with me. “My biggest problem with sexual purity courses as a whole has been that they build you up with language such as ‘valiant’, ‘courageous’, and ‘conquerors’; while a sharing and prayer group is often humiliating by nature. I have found that victory through humility is more genuine and lasting.”

Franklin sums it up well: “Sexual discipleship done well needs to be based on deep, trusted, and authentic relationships.”

Don’t forget the children

If children are taught from little up that sex is a “taboo topic”, then we shouldn’t expect them to talk with us about this sensitive topic when they’re older. So the challenge we face is how to have conversations that meet their curious minds where they’re at.

Tim comments on parenting and sexual discipleship:

“As parents, my wife and I are trying to be intentional about laying a foundation for our children. We use the proper terms for the body parts, help them understand the distinction between male and female, and teach them that God created those body parts for a special purpose. We are also trying to normalize their questions about sexuality, while also making it clear that this topic is not something to talk about with just anyone. We attempt to share age-appropriate details based on their questions, answering the questions to the extent that seems right for now and saying that we’ll keep explaining more as they get older.”

Thank you for sharing from your personal parenting journey, Tim! As a parent myself, I know we won’t do everything perfect! But parents, how can we be more intentional in our sexual discipleship? Avoiding the topic means we’re leaving it up to our children to discover sexuality on their own. And in the world we live in, they will probably discover it in unwholesome places.

Resource Guide

So what are some resources that might assist us in this journey of sexual discipleship?

I am listing a few resources that might assist us in the journey of sexual discipleship. Thanks to everyone who contributed to this list!

NOTE: There are no perfect resources, but these are resources that I am familiar with, or that someone I know recommended.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: 👇🏼Please scroll down👇🏼 to the comments 💬 and share any that you want to add! (And check out what everyone else posted in the comments as well)

Online resources

1. Java with Juli podcast for women

2. Female by Design podcast for women

3. Beyond the Battle series for men

4. Authentic Intimacy blog

Books for the Adults

1. Rethinking Sexuality, Juli Slattery

2. Beyond the Battle, Noah Filipiak

3. For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn

Books for the Children

1. 5 book series: God’s Design for Sex, Brenna Jones

2. Samuel Learns to Yell and Tell, Debi Pearl

3. Sara Sue Learns to Yell and Tell, Debi Pearl

Did you read parts 1 & 2 of this series?

I. Sexuality as SIN to be Avoided

“I suppress my sexual desires because sex is associated with sinful behavior.”

Early church leaders often taught that sex for pleasure, even within marriage, was a sin. The only “godly” purpose for sex is procreation.

The Fruit: One hides their brokenness and avoids seeking help because sex is treated as shameful. It results in little sexual discipleship and relegates sexual teaching to a list of “do’s” and “don’ts”.

Jerome, a fourth-century theologian and one of the most influential early church fathers, writes: “It is disgraceful to love another man’s wife at all, or one’s own too much. A wise man ought to love his wife with judgment, not with passion.” https://www.newadvent.org/fathers/30091.htm

II. Sexuality as Definition of SELF

“I express my sexual desires to define who I am.”

In modern culture, the pendulum has swung to the opposite extreme. Sex is on display in almost every sphere of life. Sexual preferences and experiences are the reference point for one’s identity.

The Fruit: A constant pursuit of sexual experience and fun, but very little connection and commitment. Emphasis on self-actualization and freedom to act out one’s feelings and desires. A cycle of chasing the next adrenaline hit or experience to maintain a sense of self, but an empty and lonely soul.

Hugh Hefner, the 20th-century American publisher and founder of Playboy magazine, writes: “The major civilizing force in the world is not religion, it is sex.” https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Major_Civilizing_Force_in_the_World.html?id=hpx8zQEACAAJ

III. Sexuality as a Negative Force to be CONTROLLED

“I suppress my sexual desires because they aren’t beneficial to my human experience.”

Disillusioned by the emotional impulses often connected with sex, some choose to shut down their desires entirely. They view sex as a liability or a distraction from what truly matters in life.

The Fruit: Emotional hardening. By attempting to bury one’s sexuality, one can turn oneself off, not just to sexual desire but also to deep emotional connection and vulnerability.

Marcus Aurelius, the second-century Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher describes sex in a very distasteful way and then writes, “How good these perceptions are at getting to the heart of the real thing and penetrating through it, so you can see it for what it is!” https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/8395175-how-good-it-is-when-you-have-roast-meat-or

IV. Sexuality as Sacred Gift to be STEWARDED

“I joyfully accept my sexual desires and align them with God’s design and purpose.”

This framework understands our sexual desires as part of our God-given image. It acknowledges sexual dysfunction as part of the fall and pursues a restored vision of sexuality that celebrates pleasure and intimacy within covenant marriage.

The Fruit: Realism and community. One acknowledges their brokenness without fear of rejection. One rejects the “quick fix” in exchange for deep, covenantal intimacy. One treats sex as a sacred experience, reserved for the marriage covenant as God designed.

Sean McCartin, a contemporary Christian pastor and speaker, writes: “God created sexuality for the man and woman as a pleasurable means to reinforce their oneness in marriage.” https://lifecenter.net/sermons/2013/sex-and-marriage/

👇🏼Sexuality Series, Part 1 👇🏼

I still vividly remember that day when I hurriedly approached the magazine rack and then quickly retreated to a quiet grocery aisle to page through its forbidden content. After a few minutes of guilty excitement, I stashed it away and quickly caught up with my parents and siblings.

I have other memories that I wish I never had. Memories of hurting other people, of living out of my sexual desires, and suppressing the guilt and shame. When I gave my heart to Jesus at age 13, all of that changed. Over time, I felt God convicting me to share what was hidden away with people I could trust. There were people I went to and asked for forgiveness. My sexual experience is one of brokenness and shame.

But God…

Living in NYC, I am surrounded by the world’s messages about sexuality. I see it on the streets, hear it in coffee shop music, and encounter it in the stories of people I am walking with in life. And I wonder, why is sexuality such a driving force in our human experience?

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because our sexuality is so closely connected with what it means to be created in God’s image. We were created to know and be known by another. We have an innate yearning for connection. We have a hunger to be accepted and wanted.

In our culture today, each individual is expected to define their own sexual identity. One’s sexual desires become the basis of their identity.

Juli Slattery, author of Rethinking Sexuality, writes:

The larger culture now predominantly tells a humanistic narrative that honors human sexuality as a primary form of self-expression and identity. In a recent study, the Barna group concluded, “Sex has become less a function of procreation or an expression of intimacy and more of a personal experience. To have sex is increasingly seen as a pleasurable and important element in the journey toward self-fulfillment.” If sex is an important part of self-fulfillment, experimentation and sexual “freedom” become very important avenues to maturity.
Source: https://www.authenticintimacy.com/whats-the-purpose-of-your-sexuality-really/

But what are the fruits of our self-definition? Shallower connections. Fragmented families. Fewer covenant marriages. A culture that is emotionally sick and relationally deprived. The artificial, the fake, can never fill. So it has to heap offer upon offer, adrenaline-pumped experience upon another.

As of 2025, the global adult entertainment market is valued at approximately $71.6 billion. It is projected to grow to over $109 billion by 2030. AI is creating personalized products to increase engagement with sexual content through text, voice, and image interactions with adult entertainers. Source: https://www.thebusinessresearchcompany.com/report/adult-entertainment-global-market-report

More than ever, God’s ways are proven right and good

God said, “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18, NKJV). Adam was experiencing perfect communion with God in the garden, but he also longed for another human being to know and be known by. And God brought him Eve. The union of these two human beings in vulnerable, intimate oneness was very good in God’s sight!

And then sin entered, which resulted in an inescapable sense of shame. Their visceral response was hiding themselves from God and from each other. But God’s response to their hiding was pursuing and finding them.

Curt Thomas describes this human experience of brokenness and hiding in his book, “The Soul of Shame.”

“Those parts of us that feel most broken and that we keep most hidden are the parts that most desperately need to be known by God, so as to be loved and healed…God came to find Eve and Adam to provide them the opportunity to be known as he knows anything else. For only in those instances when our shamed parts are known do they stand a chance to be redeemed. We can love God, love ourselves or love others only to the degree that we are known by God and known by others.”

Woven throughout that state of human brokenness is sexual brokenness. From the days of Noah, to Sodom and Gomorrah, to David and his household, Scripture is full of stories describing our sexual brokenness. It is almost as if human brokenness is made most visible by our sexual brokenness.

Here’s what the process of sexual brokenness looks like:

1. God created us in His image, with a deep desire for intimate connection, to be accepted and wanted, to know and be known.

2. Humanity turned away from God’s definition of goodness and sought to pursue their own source of goodness.

3. Humanity experienced cut-off with God, which resulted in innate shame, which leads to using each other rather than knowing each other.

So what is the solution?

1. Understanding our God-given desires

2. Coming to grips with the broken state of our human experience

3. Aligning our desires with God’s design

Over the next few weeks I want to dig into these themes more deeply. But I have a few questions for you.

• How have you seen sexual brokenness play out in your story?

• What have you discovered about your longings and desires through your sexual brokenness?

• What are ways you have tried to deal with your sexual brokenness and pain? How has that worked out for you?

I am starting this series about sexuality because I believe that God’s ways are right and good! God created sex. He has given us the principles for stewarding our sexuality. He is deeply involved in our stories.

👇🏼Sexuality Series, Part 2 👇🏼