I’m sharing this because I have had the history of years of being in some ways conditioned to not be who I really am, not to like myself whether it was my weight, my hair, my voice, my path to success, my sexuality… you name it! This had led me to seeking validation externally, through friendships, love, sex, online, and even performing. None of that stuck because I always felt like I wasn’t enough for anybody or even myself. This new era of mine is all about speaking life and care into my spirit. I’ve been releasing all the hurt, pain, shame, and hatred that’s a curse in my blood line. August has been full of tears of hurt, pain, and grief. Grieving that person that truly had no confidence, consumed myself with everything that did not focus on the inner work that I did not want to face. Now that I’m facing myself, I’ve felt that I’m not only healing myself, I feel like I’m healing the same feelings my father was going through.

I felt my resistance loud during the solar eclipse because I was in some ways not ready to let go of old patterns, and the work that needed to be done, but I knew that it would leave me in the same place as before: leaning into distractions, delusions and fantasies to escape my journey of being alone. I accepted it through tears, going mad in my mind, dinners with friends, conversations, holding my pillow close at night, prayer, and journal entries. Being held by my grief helped me realize though I am in relationship to the self, I have many that pour into me, love me, and seek out to me to see me in all my glory.

It has revealed the message that I am indeed breaking these curses that have been placed onto my ancestors, and family. I’ve accepted my fate to be free. I know that through this, I will gain so much more wealth in love, family, friendship, and making my dreams come true for the ones that had dreams and couldn’t fulfill them.

So my curse breakers, the weight on shoulders are heavy, but! you have an army of people walking with you that is rooting for you to free all not only yourself but them as well. You’re not alone. You are loved. The work we’re doing is powerful! Keep it up!

I will say things that have been keeping me in high spirits:

Watching Summer House on peacock!

Watching Toxic Femininity Comedy Shows by Amber Abundance on Youtube!

WATCH HERE : https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLG8vdS8aZ5iIoz8BITYSOZ23SL893Urmv&si=AHlA57r4fVjl2XaO

That’s all! Hope all is well with you all. Much love! Happy Lunar Eclipse!

I feel that now that I’ve been single for a year, I’ve been very introspective. I’ve come to the realization that this shit is hard! I have been stuck yearning and longing for the past and future that I dreamed of in my head which was still in a relationship, blossoming in my friendships, confidence built etc., but the reality is I’m single, unpacking what’s not working in my friendships, processing that I actually have an unhealthy relationship to longing, I’ve created distance in familial relationships by projecting my insecurities of not being seen or enough that I didn't realize I was doing.

I have been so used to seeking external validation to soothe the fucked up relationship that I have had with myself that I’m frustrated. I have nothing to distract me from me. So, I guess I can say I’ve been grieving the reality I’m in.

It is time to take care, center myself, and on the work I’m called to do. There’s no time for dilly dallying on what could have been. It’s time to focus on the now!

So what have I done with all this processing?

MADE DECISIONS.

I deleted Instagram a day ago and earlier this morning deleted the substack app from my phone. I have had so much anxiety from being stuck on my phone because it’s so distracting from responsibility. Creating strong boundaries with my phone is a step to leaving room for my mind to actually think, open the door of creativity, be present, and use it for its purpose.

Acceptance. I’ve been releasing all these old thoughts, old ways I’ve navigated relationships, releasing holding onto romance, and being okay with the changes in relationship dynamics. I also had to accept that I am committed to myself. I don’t need to seek self worth/love through someone else, chasing after people etc. I have to let go.

Center my health and well being. I’m invested in getting my body in shape for strength because the 30s have been showing I got strength work to do! I’ve been stretching, walking more, and also meditating again which has helped with this anxiety I’m feeling with change.

Being kind to myself.

Take each day at a time.

Writing in my journal has helped 10000% as per usual.

Processing it with my peers.

Choosing to remain single/date myself and start over on my celibacy.

Why am I sharing all of this? I’m sharing because I’m understanding my 30s is teaching me to finally blossom into the person I’m meant to be. I’m stepping into my bag because I’m graduating this spring and got lots of things to be excited about. I’d like to be transparent that choosing yourself can have you sitting with yourself thinking what the hell have I been doing this whole time? I’m not looking for perfection in this journey of self love/radical acceptance, I’m looking to be unapologetically myself without shame or cowardice.

So if you’re on that journey, shoutout to you! We got this!

what is home really when all you know is packed bags, boxes, and closed doors.

Backpacks full of memories. Finding home in friends and lovers, but then it’s not enough because it’s all temporary….

but i’m finding a home in me.

a home that is temporary in flesh, but I’m me. I’m finding warm, kindness, a soft place to land within me.

I find home with the water, the trees, the grass, two clasped hands in prayer.

My ancestors looking out for me.

It’s hard to no have plenty of soft places to land when it’s so easy for people to throw me away like I’m a problem… a nuisance to their comfortability when all I want is somewhere to call home for me.

A door to close. A bed to sleep in. A stove to heat my food.

Maybe it’s not where I think it is.

I’m just hurt by people that I found solace in, but here I am at home.

The beach, sand and water…. giving the ocean my tears. Letting go of all the moments I ignored myself to find places to land in relationships, insecure thoughts that creep in.

I let go of all the hurt,

Imagined stories I fill my brain to ignore all of this home in me.

I bring in value to myself, relationships I pour in and relationships that pour into me. I bring in love, soft landings, care, support, prayers, guidance, laughter, tears of joy and all dreams fulfilled for me and the people around me!

ASE ASE ASE ASE

Dedication to summer in Oakland :) my spiritual home

Hello, I’m out here being vulnerable today because y’all….. I am not ready to experience living my life without my sibling. Being an identical twin is a beautiful gift that I’m so glad to experience. My sibling is my best friend and we have experienced so many highs and lows together, went to the same schools, shared the same friends, even had our own friends, but our social experiences have been totally different.

Something that has shifted my view of my own self is due to the constant comparison of who’s nice, who’s mean, who’s the pretty one, who’s the ugly one, who’s bigger, who’s a little smaller etc. I’ve been told by peers that I’m mean and intimidating because I always had a frown on my face, I’ve been told by strangers that my sibling is prettier than me, I’ve been a child that was put in uncomfortable situations of people looking at my body to tell my sibling and I apart. SO you get the picture….. this has created a lot of feelings of insecurity, comparison, self hatred, believing that everything about me has been wrong and has distorted my view of myself.

I grew up bouncing in different friend groups trying to find my place in this world and I always ended up being alone while watching my sibling thrive in social settings, people gravitate towards her, being able to develop social skills and continuously finding ways to express themselves while I had a hard time building connections, found ways of expressing myself until I got older, I found myself being afraid of living in my own individual truth. I used to compare followers online, how people would favor them over me, hearing their phone notifs blowing up from texting people etc. and feeling sad that my phone would be dry. YALL I WAS DOWN BAD. Being an identical twin can be very daunting at times because people don’t view identical twins as one person. They are viewed as one unit and not as two individuals who own their own identity. They just happen to look exactly the same. My twin and I eventually started accepting that we are not the same after years of relating heavily with one another. That had shifted something in me. It was quite liberating and also scary as hell for me. I feel like leaning into my transness gave me the opportunity to surrender in to who I really am. I finally took a chance to be who I am and embrace my masculinity and my individual journey and experience.

Present realization: I don’t know how to stand alone without feeling like a lone wolf that people don’t care about. I feel like I am nothing without having my sibling around.

I am in a time in my life where I’m being pushed to stand on my own and I’m fucking terrified. After years of internalizing peoples perception of me, it has left me having a really hard time building a positive relationship to myself. I had grown up fearing being alone because of my traumatized experience of being socially isolated and a child of abandonment and neglect has led me here.

I sometimes am afraid of disappearing into the abyss while watching my twin shine. I’m also in real time realizing I have constantly dimmed my own light in order to let other people shine because I’m so used to just not wanting to do too much or being perceived at all.

I have constantly built my own community and have experienced so much love, joy, care, support, and reassurance that there is nothing wrong about my quietness, reserved nature, being not quick to trust and leading with discernment. I am also trying to lean into the fact that being who I am is okay. I don’t have to like my twin to be liked because people like me. I’m just different and that’s okay. I also thank my sibling for being so patient with me even when I can be a lot with my own self destruction or feelings of pain and hurt.

It’s a fucking journey y’all. This is thirty one years of vomiting out all the filth that has been placed onto me. I’m taking steps to being embodied in myself and figuring out ways to build a healthy, kind, loving relationship with radical acceptance. Started going to the gym as of yesterday, cried my eyes out to my twin about my anxieties and crying as I type this damn post. Healing ain’t easy. Thank you if you made it this far.

TO A RADICAL ACCEPTING OF SELF SUMMER!

I am who I’m supposed to be.

I am free to stand alone in who I am without any guilt of shame!

There is nothing wrong with being who I am.

It’s okay that it took a while to get here, but at least I’m making it.

Here’s the journey of my twin!

(A Little Black girl me embracing her American Girl Doll gifted on Christmas)

Abomination

Indoctrination

Damnation

Condemnation

That is what I was raised to believe.

Scared I’d be left behind like they say in the book of revelation.

Little Black girl ends up praying “please, please take it away.”

“I know I’m good, I’m here on my knees. I don’t want to go down there burning in hell fire for all of eternity.”

“Take away these gay thoughts out of my spirit.”

Abomination

Indoctrination

Damnation

Condemnation

Be careful with that girl you’re playing with, you don’t want her to influence y’all into anything.

You can like whoever you want to like boys….girls….

Tell your twin that they can come out and say they’re gay. We all know it.

Is your twin a dyke? (derogatory)

Abomination

Indoctrination

Damnation

Condemnation

Young Black teenager ends up saying, “That ain’t me. I’m not gay.”

Defensive, scared, and ashamed while behind phone screens texting girls, holding their hands on bus rides home, dressing real tomboyish, confessing their feelings to their crush on school loop.

“I think I’m bicurious.”

Looks up lap dance videos on youtube and practices on their girlfriends.

“That ain’t me. I’m not gay.”

“Everybody’s gay!” BUT “That ain’t me. I’m not gay.”

Abomination

Indoctrination

Damnation

Condemnation

When will I find my

Self Determination

Liberation

Having THAT SWEET SENSATION

Of loving myself as this Black transsexual lesbian/butch/dyke/dykeboi/thatnigga

I have swallowed the cross for way too long, it’s pinching my insides.

Intestines distorting and contorting into shapes creating no room to breathe.

This thorned crown I’ve laid deep into my skull, inserting into my nerve endings stinging my mind into believing that I am an

Abomination

Because of the Black christian thought of

Indoctrination

I want to catch the Holy Ghost through Ancestral Veneration of their love for me being free to be myself this Black transsexual lesbian/butch/dyke/dykeboi/thatnigga

I want to be caressed in white fabric, hair corn rowed, beaded with cowrie shells and praise dance on the dance floor to KAYTRANADA because something about that beat makes me want to STOMP the evil of everyone who has spoken ill against me, and the terrors in my mind that led me to believe in

Abomination

Indoctrination

Damnation

Condemnation

Oh Happy Day When MY ANCESTORS WASHED ALL MY FEARS AWAY

Baptise me in rivers of glitter, florida water, rosemary, love letters that I’ve yet written or forgotten, white rose petals, sunflowers, lavender and chamomile because WADING IN THIS WATER I will be made clean in this body, the holy and deviant …. this flesh .

I am no longer a

Damnation

I want to no longer fear my

Condemnation because I found my

Self Determination

Liberation

Having THAT SWEET SENSATION

Of loving myself as this Black transsexual lesbian/butch/dyke/dykeboi/thatnigga

I am no longer sorry for not growing up to be this Black woman that I was supposed to be. I am a genderless being walking the earth with a beard, mustache, hairy chest, hairy arms, hairy ass crack and no fucking titties BECAUSE OF MY

Self Determination

Liberation

Having THAT SWEET SENSATION

Of loving myself as this Black transsexual lesbian/butch/dyke/dykeboi/thatnigga

Little Black girl, Young Black teenager, and Kyro Davis are officially starting our journey in taking baby steps toward one another.

It’s time to tell myself that I am not wrong. I am not bad. I am not damned for hell fire because I am God, I am a living heaven walking, living, breathing on this plane called Earth. I am divinely chosen to live as who I’m meant to be away from the norms that are upheld by white supremacy. I embrace this genderbending fuckery that I have created by finally choosing my

Self Determination

Liberation

Having THAT SWEET SENSATION

Of loving myself as this Black transsexual lesbian/butch/dyke/dykeboi/thatnigga

I am

Gifted.

God’s Gift To The Earth.

Talented.

Black.

Change.

Evolution.

This is my song, play, theatrical performance, dance, beat, hum, tap, note, grind, orgasm of birthing revolution.

This is my communion. I drink my own blood and eat my flesh and say Ase. Ase. Ase. Ase.

This that Hoodoo, laid down on the altar, bearing gifts, lighting candles, and burning incense.

Oh Happy Day When MY ANCESTORS WASHED ALL MY FEARS AWAY

Oh Happy Day When MY ANCESTORS WASHED WHITE SUPREMACY AWAY

Oh Happy Day When MY ANCESTORS WASHED ALL MY ENEMIES AWAY

Oh Happy Day When MY ANCESTORS WASHED ALL MY SHAME AWAY

Oh Be Happy, Be Happy and Gay and Transsexual, and Black, Perverted, Flamboyant, Ratchet, Faggot, Deviant and All That Good Shit.

(a collage of birth, youth, and adulthood)

(image from pintrest)

It has been quite a while and it’s because my mental health is going to shit. School is too much, socializing is too much, I’m too much right now because the empire is literally falling. Oppression is up and I’m fucking pissed. I’ve been going quite mad these days.

Right now, I’m sitting with the fact that people have let me down a lot in my life. My mother, my father, peers, teachers, every damn body and I feel my childhood self getting put into gear. I’m ready to fuck everybody up. I’m spiraling, I’m going mad for real. This world is not making it any easier to live in, and I’m honestly not making it easy for people around me because of the ways I’m showing up. I’m lashing out, I’m cutting people out of my life again, paranoid of people’s actually intentions of being in relationship to me, not believing I’m not deserving of love, not being in communion with myself….. I’m just having a hard fucking time.

What I’m interested in now, that I’m realizing once again how my rage and anger is very destructive when I’m taking it out on ones closet to me… who is it that I am mad at? Where is this rage that I’m experiencing rooted in? What is wanting to be expressed here? What is being asked to be revealed here?

Maybe I just have not felt seen in a while.

Maybe I’m not able to express myself in ways that I’ve been wanting.

Maybe I’ve lost confidence in myself.

Maybe I haven’t felt safe or held by community in a while.

Maybe my rage of the fucking world is catching up to me.

Maybe I’m feeling lonely and am fearing abandonment once again.

Maybe I’m angry at people from my youth that have constantly spoken ill against me.

Maybe I’m having a hard time finding myself again after experiencing a shift in a relationship dynamic…

Who fucking knows.

I am sitting with the fact that I’m adding fire to my rage in the wrong places. I am burning myself with my internal struggle and burning others projecting it onto them when I need a place to put this anger. I am not well, but I want to be so I can love myself and my community. I want to be well in ways that I can live.

I’m also accepting that I have some mental disabilities that need to be diagnosed. I need clarity. I need answers because I’m yelling at every damn body and it’s destroying me. I’d like to be at peace with my rage and invite it so that I’m able to release in ways that are positive to me and impactful to others. I’m tired of my shame in others and myself that adds more toxic environments in my day to day life.

With this I end with a question:

How have you been able to build a positive relationship to your rage? If you have, how has it been impactful for you?

Me? I’m living my motherfucking life and figuring shit out STILL! Yes still! I’m always learning even once I hit my thirties. The thing that I’d like to express is how I feel like I am redefining myself once again. I am shedding, unearthing, and sitting with who the hell I am. I have found myself for years being frightened of my own existence, desires, and all that embodied away from cisheteronormative ways pushed upon me. I am having conversations and thoughts with myself that are pushing me to stop being so damn shameful and timid of who I am and just live in my truth.

The way we are living in a time where people are posting detransition videos, people denouncing their queerness to the Christian church, watching the world turn their backs on trans people in the midst of a trans genocide, it is not the time to go back into the closet. It is time to live out loud!

I have lived most of my life full of fear, anxiety, and denial of myself to the point where I have had thoughts of erasing myself off the earth, but the fact that I’m here despite it all!!!!!! Thank goodness. As a Black transsexual dyke, it is necessary that my existence exists in this timeline because white supremacy wants Black people to die, hate ourselves, and not live out loud.

With all this being said, a few months before the year 2026 I remember sobbing and I had confessed to my sibling that I am indeed scared as hell to be myself for real because I have hidden and hated myself so much because that is indeed freedom to actually stand ten toes down on who the fuck I am. I have spent years settling into spiritual practices, reading, understanding and having conversations about politics, values, morals, etc and putting into practice of what I stand for and it’s been so rewarding. It’s been rewarding to consistently center my life in an Afrocentric/Black lens when I have for so long wanted to be so far away from queerness and Blackness. I’m still figuring out ways to center Black people in my life more because of years of internalize racism, but I have made it VERY FAR!

I’m using this time in my life to live the gayest, transsexual, Blackest life ever! I’m tired of the fear, shame, and embarrassment that I didn’t come out at thirteen years old when I know that I was not ready to accept who I was for real or that I haven’t a lot of sex since coming out plenty of times from 21-25 years old because damn it I’ve been unlearning all the white supremacist bullshit fed onto me since I was child. I finally give myself grace and ease to love myself and be myself out loud. SO PLEASE ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO LOVE YOURSELF BLACK PERSON! ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR NOT CHOOSING YOURSELF.

In this lifetime, it is a gift to exist out loud in our truth. I’m coming in full force and am excited to see what being Kyro truly is without fear and full confidence!

I hope you do too.

Hey y’all! I’m coming out of my busy ass life of getting this degree to share with you all that I am living it up! This month of November has had me grinning from ear to ear because I have had so many moments of laughter, tears of joy, listening to musical theater playlists, seeing my favorite artist Tank and The Bangas, long days and nights of friendships growing from late night karaoke sessions after intense rehearsals, to binge watching Netflix’s “From Scratch" on a Sunday afternoon. I’ve enjoyed late night conversations with my sibling Monaliese, impromptu body doubles to get assignments done, and so much resting. All of this has made me see how incredible life is when I just let myself discover what fun I can have. I enjoy getting to discover what is for me and where I can feel like my most self. I’m in place now where I’m accepting I’m going a whole other direction of life outside of my loved ones, so I’m following suit with wherever I’m going.

So where am I going? I’m going to where the theater nerds are at. Going to my people, my spaces where I can just be as cooky, silly, weird, and out there! Which led me to the BROADWAY RAVE in Los Angeles.

This experience was an experience I’ve been needing all my damn life. It’s not your typical rave full of drugs, hardcore dancing etc. , it’s literally a ballroom full of theater people cosplaying from musicals, musical numbers are played in full (not remixed) and we sing and dance to musical theater songs all night. I had felt I have found a singing and dancing event where I belonged. No one knew who I was, I wasn’t focused on looking cool or getting someone’s attention, I was just there to enjoy loving musicals. My inner child smiled and it felt warm to go to that place…. to experience that JOY. I had understood that I am living a pleasurable life.

I often used to think pleasure in the form of physical intimacy because I genuinely thought that’s what pleasure meant. It’s often been sold to us in that way that, that’s the only way we can receive absolute pleasure is through sex or any kind of physical touch, but since I have taken myself away from that picture at the moment….. THIS IS THE PLEASURE I DESERVED! The pleasure of living my fucking life.

I often feel that in many ways, I took some parts of my life for granted because I focused way too much on making sure I was good enough for others, wanting to be a part of the crowd, be everywhere that was cool, instead of just having fun. There are also plenty of moments where I felt I was where I truly belonged and with the right people in my life. IT JUST FEELS DIFFERENT NOW THAT I AM LIVING IN MY PURPOSE FOCUSING SOLELY ON MYSELF.

Pleasures that I am enjoying is the quality time that I am spending with my colleagues in school. Building my own community in college is such a beautiful thing especially since I live on campus. Making friends here has been quite refreshing when it’s usually hard for me to make friends. I feel myself opening up to folks more and more. I’m slowly coming out of my shell and it’s worth it.

I have embraced my weirdom, I have embraced this transformation of letting myself have fun my way and it’s been life changing. I’m still figuring it all out from all the years of holding myself back from looking too silly, embarrassing, or too much to people and shittttt, hell myself! Thinking I’m too much for myself. It feels relieving to let myself be a fucking lot because I am. I am a lot. I’m glad I’m continuing to find my people and surrounding myself with people that accept me. I’m mostly proud that I accept me!

This is the finer things in life. Trying things out and seeing if I like it or not. I’m dreaming big damn it! LIVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE! Fuck all the doomsday bullshit. I suggest we all find what we are wanting, looking for, yearning for and deserve because I’m living my wildest dream yet….. LOVING MYSELF after years of hating and suppressing. My 30s has been an era of rebirth that I needed long long ago and I’m so elated to experience it now! I’m flying and letting my wings open to explore all the possibilities. It really is the little things.

Nobody talks about the experience of your twenties suddenly seeming to fully clear out of our system when you reach thirty. You are definitely NOT the same person. There’s a shift, but now that I”m thirty one…. I’m really like who the fuck am I Forreal?! So with that, I came to think about my relationship to sex and with that relationship to sex, I think about my body, my relationship to myself and I discover I’m checked out. I’m still on that journey of loving myself.

So with that…. I reflect on my twenties and my relationship to sex.

Early 20s: When I started having sex, it was with men and participating because of FOMO, escaping depression, just for the hell of it, and for the thrills. I also discovered masterbation which gave a whole new sensation of secrecy, thrill of dopamine release that I never experienced having sex with men, feelings of shame, guilt, but mostly a feeling of freedom discovering ways of pleasuring myself which made me feel phenomenal! I also used it as forms of relief, escape as well, catching the high of release which sometimes would be a little excessive.

Mid-Late 20s and my first year being 30: I had queer sex which was more intentional, fun, vulnerable, sweet, and passionate. I felt like I was able to ask questions, be present, and wrapped in tenderness. I also was able to be tender, questions asked to me, check ins, after care, stopping, not relying on “finishing." I loved that it was another form of connection. I also questioned myself what was really sex to me that’s not this whole performance. I also don’t have a lot of sex outside of myself so sometimes self pleasure is just out of boredom or to feel something which leads to numbing and disconnect. I want others ways to connect and create that sense of safety for myself that doesn’t turn myself off from being present in my spirit.

SO NOW WHAT?

Quotes from Journal Entry: 10/19/2025

“So with these transformations, evolving, growing, sprouting etc. I’ve decided to go celibate. I want to focus on an organic relationship with self outside of sex self pleasure etc." “I feel like I have lost the plot. I have no idea what it means to me, how it fulfills me or adds to my life."

With these quotes, it presents the question…. how am I going to actively connect with myself in different ways? How am I being present? Who am I now? How can I not repeat addictive patterns to chase highs in life to feel something, or fill up space in time “just because” like I did throughout all of my twenties? How can I come back to myself because I’m checked the fuck out!

Right now I’m choosing celibacy for who knows how long, but I’m happy with this decision. I’m excited to be able have a newfound relationship with myself, desire, pleasure, and sensuality. (To be honest, I have no time for sensuality because I’m too busy getting this damn degree but Ima love myself through it all with gentleness.)

Also I’m going five years into my transition (November 3rd), I’m constantly changing in my body, it’s been wild not recognizing the woman I was in my twenties, I’m out here being a transgender lesbian with hair on my face, chest and everywhere you can think of, no titties, experience romance for the first time in my late twenties into my thirties, and a break up! Damn…. change is good because I’m right here.

The thirties aren’t flirty, but this counts as thriving in my book.

(photo from pinterest)

I got lost in the sauce of wanting to hold on and make things work knowing that everything is showing, if I don’t let go… I will fuck up this relationship.

It was a beautiful two years, but we needed to take a step back. I understood that relationships change….everything is changing all around me… why would I want things to stay the same? I have to let things grow even if I’m not a part of it. I have to grow, even if the people I want around aren’t meant to be a part of it in some ways. It’s hard but it’s necessary.

August taught me so much of how much of my wants, needs, and desires matter as much as the next and if I hold so much space for others in my life to do that, who am I to not experience what I want, need, and desire. I am able to experience love in the ways I want. I am able to come back and figure out what I can do better to show up in my other relationships. I am capable of speaking up when I’m uncomfortable. Distance does not equal abandonment. I am loved in many different ways. I can let relationships change and be what they are. I have the capability to let go.

Either way, I’m going to be okay. I’m learning many lessons from being in a romantic partnership for the first time in my life and I’m proud of myself. It wasn’t easy, but it was truly worth it.

Now to romance my own damn self for a minute.

What does it really mean to have our needs met? Why do we seek to find something or someone to fill whatever void is missing?

In my opinion it’s because we are sold the idea that we can have it all. We can have everything if we just seek it, buy it, pray for it, manifest for it, etc. when in most of our awaken reality, we can’t. So I’m coming to the conclusion that for me, it’s about balance. It’s not about having every single thing I need met, it’s about making sure I’m able to be in a position to have a balance of needs I can access. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I’m just realizing that I’m not going to have every “need" met. I’d love to, but that puts me in the position to think realistically. Do I believe we all should have our needs met? HELL YEA! This world makes it so hard to live, I want everything in the damn world!

I do believe if people seek to be fulfilled in whatever they see fit to have every single need met, shout out to y’all! I guess I’m about enjoying things as they come instead of looking to see how I can be fulfilled instantly.

I’ve been there…. angry, unsatisfied, and now coming out of the delusion that I can have my needs fulfilled because I have friends, a partner, family etc. It just doesn't work that way. I sure wish it did.

So I ask myself and you, what does it mean to have your needs met? If you and I had our needs met, what would that look like?

Even in a lens of polyamory… as a solo polyamorous person, I used to believe that relationships in polyamory are based on having needs met with certain people and you’re just going to be fulfilled! If that’s the case I’d have A LOT of damn people in my life and that would be exhausting. It’s about having intentional fulfilling relationships and not leading with “well the grass is greener somewhere else” and I should go out and find it. I’m so glad that I believe in quality in my life instead of trying to stack so much on my plate.

For now, I enjoy whatever I can and be okay with the imbalance…. for now! As a Libra, I need to at least have a balance of having all the things I’d like!

Affirmations: I am abundant in all the things I need. I have everything I need at this moment. Everything I desire will come back to me tenfold. I dream of a world where I have what I need. A world does exist where I have all that I need.

I have lived a full life of a lot of turmoil regarding my parental relationships. The one that has hit me the hardest is the relationship with my mother and this summer has been a journey on my path to healing and forgiveness with the way my mother has shown up in my life. For context she has been a mother that has provided for me financially as a child but was always in and out of my life and never gave me that emotional, loving, and nurturing care that I needed. So I have had a history of abandonment and neglect which y'all….. does a lot of sad, sad work in the long run as a child, youth, and adult.

On the other end my father was a functioning addict that created an unstable living environment for me as a child where I struggled a lot with money, food insecurity, keeping my clothes clean, making sure I was clean etc. That too, can do a lot to you as a child, youth, and adult. I have been able to have a lot more clarity, forgiveness and understanding for my father once I became his caregiver until he passed away three years ago.

So, I’m sharing this because this summer I have been faced with the fact that I am indeed a homeless college student at thirty years old relying on campus housing to keep me a float, relying community support to keep me fed and secure, but I have no parental support to hold me or get me through this time because my mother has chosen to abandon me again in my adult years which led me to going no contact last year. It has been a year since I have spoken to my mother.

I have put my foot down on how I am tired of crying, carrying the hurt and resentment for my mother not knowing how to be a mother. I am choosing forgiveness. I am choosing to move on from showing up as the angry child that is wanting their mom to be a mom and I want to meet her with understanding and grace. I am tired of seeing her as a bad person. She is not. She is a human being that has been through so much to the point where she sadly only knows how to choose herself to get out of fucked up situations so….. she just knows how to leave.

This summer has shown me that my fears can sometimes blind me from believing I’m actually being loved and cared for, that people don’t actually love me, I’m going to lose my relationships, and I should leave my relationships when I’m feeling activated or triggered. I am not dreaming enough anymore, I need to start life mapping and planning for my future, I hate living with food and money insecurity and the biggest of them all…. I simply just want to feel and be loved. I have been living in a space of my inner child taking full force of wanting to be chosen and loved when I need to put her somewhere else and let the adult me hug her and say that she’s loved and that I can mother and hold her.

Living in scarcity and thinking I’m without all the time will definitely hinder my relationship with self and the people I love and I’m so proud of the fact that I have chosen to stick around in the discomfort, not leave my relationships, and not leave myself behind.

I am so loved and I am definitely in a place of not knowing where I’m going…. still growing in my confidence…. still figuring it all out.

Yea, being thirty is wild work. I’m learning that I need help and a lot of it. I know that my ancestors can only do so much for me, but I have to strive and want more for myself because y’all I be out here blocking my own damn shit fr. I’m also very tired of this world that has me in this position to be struggling like this when I could be thriving for real.

With all this being said, I’m excited for when I get the chance to speak to my mother again. I will be this totally different person that will not have this pain and hurt against her. There will be more of an understanding, a heart to heart. We will be met with love for each other in ways that will heal us both.

I can’t wait to walk with my head held high more, believe in my gifts and abilities, have better news to share, but know I am so blessed and grateful for how far I’ve come, I am and going because chile!!! I have three semesters left and I’ll be graduating with my bachelors in Theatre Arts with a minor in Africana Studies!

To the journey of overcoming abandonment and scarcity.

I’ve come to an understanding that, I am not fully present in my mind because of this DAMN PHONE. I felt my imagination slip away from me. It made me very uncomfortable knowing how I was tiring myself out from getting riled up from watching what was on Instagram. I’ve been having this battle of leaving Instagram for good by the end of this year and I’m still on the fence about it because I have connections, community, I advocate for people’s survival, it’s a platform as an artist to connect with other artists, I stay up to date on what’s going on in the world.. THE LIST GOES ON AND ON! BUT !!!!! I’m so damn burnt out from being on my phone.

So I have deleted it off my phone. I’ve found myself more willing to rest, space out, read (when I have the space to), and watch my favorite TV shows again.

I will say….. this summer is about restoring, resting, and resistance. I thought I was about to be out here just wilding out and I was spiritually pivoted to slow the hell down and heal my mother wounds (saving that for another time to write about) and to get serious about my future and liberation right now.

Hope all is well. Talk soon.

So, understanding these thoughts :

I have not felt confident in my desires because I have pushed them repressed them from my mind, I don’t know much about what queer intimacy looks like for me outside of “the act of sex", removed myself from kink spaces and damn I don’t even talk about sex at all.

1. I had to unpack a lot of my own self hatred that was keeping myself from even exploring myself, looking, or show any interest in my own body.

2. Understand that I grew up in a Black household that never talked about sex and when I was curious or thought about having sex outside of marriage, I would be shamed.

3. I understood that my experience learning about Sexual Education was traumatizing as fuck because schools promote abstinence and displayed photos of STI’s without discussing ways of prevention or releasing shame if people do get STI’s/HIV. Had no conversations about queer sex. (I had a health class in middle school (7th grade) 2007-2008 and took health in highschool (9th grade) 2008-2009)

4. When I was in queer and trans kink spaces, white queer and trans people took up way too much space. (Los Angeles Kink Scene Is White As Hell) which led me to just not like going to anything kink related for a while.

5. I needed to go back to the fucking basics and ask myself what does sex mean to me.

6. I needed to write down all my desires, fantasies, and what I loved.

7. I wanted open discussions with friends and my partner about sex and intimacy.

8. I am a sexual being and I missed being out loud about it!

9. I want to learn so much about sex and am curious about people’s desires and fantasies.

10. It’s okay to be late to the party experiencing sex or figuring it out.

11. I don’t have a lot of sex that involves another person and I’d like to have more of it. (I have a lot of solo sex and it’s SPECTACULAR)

12. I want to watch porn that is curated for queer and trans people

There’s much more but you get the gist.

After all those realizations, I had started developing a loving relationship with myself doing mirror work by just looking at myself, not saying a word. I use the times specifically after I shower when I’m rubbing lotion on myself, prepping for the day, play music, whatever to just make myself feel good. I also have affirmations I read above my mirror to remind myself of who I am. I am in a committed relationship with myself where I understand who I am without guilt or shame! This mirror work led me to discovering my body now as a trans person. I discovered and enjoying all the changes that comes with being on HRT (testosterone). It’s just pure devotion of the self that wasn’t performative and fake because if I was gonna be about my self love shit, it was coming from a vulnerable place and authentic place where I didn’t want to hide from myself! 30 year old Kyro wasn’t hiding from himself anymore like he did all them years. It feels so good to love myself and have a fun relationship with self! AFTER LOVING MYSELF REALLY IT LED TO ME FEELING HORNY AGAIN! I feel more curious, excited, and open with what I want to experience.

This had led to me wanting to go back on the drawing board by having conversations where I’m vulnerable with discovering intimacy for myself outside of sex because intimacy takes shape in all forms where you don’t have to be in the act. Also understanding that sex is actually pretty simple and not as complicated especially for queer and trans folks.

What helped me come to that understanding is these podcast episodes:

Queer Collective: Sapphic Sex

Queer Collective : Queer and Trans Sex

Watching those videos really opened my eyes on the many forms of intimacy and experiences of intimacy you can share that doesn’t have to involve a partner. You know you can be intimate with your friends right?

I also understood if I wasn’t getting what I needed or wanted.. I can just ask for it instead of going through all this trouble being mad that I’m not getting my desires, or fantasies brought to life. PEOPLE WOULD QUICKLY HELP YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN ESPECIALLY YOUR FRIENDS (IF YOU’RE INTO THAT). I really like that idea of going to your friends and saying I want to experience this and maybe we can find a way to make it happen without the trouble of going on dating apps and going out looking… Or you can have support of friends tagging along for a play party or a flirty night to support you while you go off and have the experiences! Of course you need safety protocols and an escape plan when things go array that you’d have to have in place!! IT’S SEXY TO ASK AND SAY WHAT YOU WANT (note to myself) AND BE OKAY IF PEOPLE ARE NOT INTERESTED IN EXPLORING IT WITH YOU, BUT BE OPEN TO KNOWING THERE’S OTHERS OUT THERE THAT WILL. (note to myself)

My thirties really has opened the box of everything I have repressed because of survival, trauma, etc. but I feel so elated to express all of me and that is someone who is indeed a fucking freak.

So I typed this all up to get you to start thinking about sex, intimacy, think real freaky deeky, have a smut reading party, talk about freaky deeky shit with your besties and lovers and have a good fucking time!!!! We need to get horny again and be okay with it!

I root for Black queer and trans people to feel pleasure, desire, fantasies fulfilled, and feel damn good about it!

YOU, WE, AND ME DESERVE TO LET OUT OUR INNER FREAK NASTY! GET REAL CREATIVE BABES!

This is something I have honestly wanted to talk about. I have been through some troubling times as an artist in academia…. especially being Black and Trans. I’m going to start with I am an artist that centers and believes in uplifting Black queer and Trans story lines. I am a performance artist, playwright, and a poet. I am in no shape or form interested in participating in using my degree to get connections in Hollywood or to get famous. I am about using my gifts to create change. I’m a theatre person through and through. I love the collective human experience that thrives in sharing a stage with actors, weeks of rehearsals, memorizing lines and the whole big nine!

I’ve found it quite hard being able to feel seen sometimes in theatre spaces in academia because theatre is an obvious space where it lives in the white cisheteronormative lens of performance. Theatre spaces say they “embrace” everyone but depending on who you work with in academia…. THATS A LIE. I’ve had my shares of getting misgendered, racism, but I’ve also shared moments of true care, community, and valuing who I am as a whole artist. I do though have felt like my experiences with transphobia and racism in my past has not done anything but stunt my growth as an performer. My time was wasted. I feel like in theatre spaces in academia…. You’re not learning shit. I give a damn about what the fuck I’m doing. This is a learned craft and skill that I’ve been doing all my life and I can’t wait until I feel like I’m growing and being pushed as a performer in way that makes me feel safe and encouraged to stand on my shit! THIS MATTERS TO ME! ART MATTERS!!!!

It’s really hard feeling boxed in as an actor because everything is in the binary of an actor’s portfolio of roles. You’re playing a man or a woman. In the beginning of this semester, I was thinking to myself… is this all there is? Am I going to be playing men all through my acting journey? To be clear, I am an agender trans person on testosterone. I’ve contemplated if this is even for me because it’s all too cishet out here for me! I also understand that being an actor is not all about gender… it’s about telling a story and embodying the human experience, but I do have my boundaries. If that makes me “limit" my options then I don’t care because I deserve to have a choice in what I want to play.

I also believe that I won’t play any role because it’s there. There’s not a lot of queer story lines to perform in shows in academia… we only ever play the classics and some contemporary plays, but I believe there is so much more to this. Doing theatre in academia can be very trans formative or just flat. I will say there’s so much that needs to change in theatre in academia. There needs to be more of an understanding that not every student in the classroom is cisgender, more room for students to be expressive of themselves, queer theatre courses, more plays created by students to perform for an audience so that there’s different stories being told, and an enthusiasm in working with trans individuals. I also believe if we have added elements of theatrical exercises that aren’t by French, English, and Russian men we’d be a lot better! Reading “Black Acting Method" by Sharell D. Luckett and Tia M. Shaffer has shaped me on how much better theatre experiences can be not only for black actors, but for all actors in general.

I do feel restricted and also free to have a choice in how I want to show up as an artist in academia because I do have free will to choose my monologue for auditions, for class etc, but it’s just tiring having to be misgendered every now and then, having to come out in class, or be restricted based on the work I’m given to learn since I’m being trained in the art of performance.

I sometimes wish I had more theatre mentors that were black and queer because it be real lonely out here being Black and Trans in academia. There’s also not enough black and Trans students in my class and that be lonely too! Yes there’s black and queer students but the trans students be nowhere to be found.

All of this has kind of made me resent theatre spaces and acting all together because they keep playing in my face, but then I remember my talents, what I’m capable of and how I want to grow as an actor. Today I realized, I’m not interested in being any role, because politically, not every role is meant for me and cisgender actors often believe in playing any role given. They play trans characters, queer characters, and any role given in the book, and get booked because they can, but I will never put myself in a position that plays any role. I want to take risks, yes, but as a Black Trans person, I want to create and use my gifts that center experiences that create change.

I have autonomy over characters I play. No I won’t play women because I am not one, no I will not play any trans character because I’m trans. Will I play queer characters? Yes! Will I play black characters? Yes! Will I still want to audition for masculine aligned roles? Yes! I can explore whatever I want because I’m an artist, but I’m tired of being an artist in academia…. At times it feels fulfilling and unfulfilling at the same time because I just want to do my own damn thing!

After I get this degree, It’s over for y’all! Even in the lonliness, I have community, love, support, and care of my gifts. May I continue to connect and collaborate with Black, Queer, and Trans Artists. Y’all inspire me everyday day.

Shoutout to Black Queer and Trans People In The Arts!!! And if you’re studying it in academia… THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS. You got this! Don’t let these institutions bring you down, because they will try their best to! We will prevail.

Theatre Is Black History. Theatre Is Built On Ritual. Theatre Is Storytelling. Theatre Is Human Expression and Freedom. WE BELONG! Racism, Anti-blackness and Transphobia have NO PLACE In Theatre Spaces PERIOD!

Ase!!

I am a lover and I’m not ashamed of it.

I don’t have it in me to use my fists or have it in me any longer to use my words to harm because I am a lover.

I want love to consume and swallow me into nothingness.

My love travels, extends, reaches, spirals, dances, shapes, and transforms.

I am a lover.

I can let the love I have for others turn into an obsession and guess what… I’m not shy to admit it because I am ruled by love.

My love sticks, stamps, and stays in your memory.

Because I am a lover.

Love is spiritual.

Love is ritual.

Love is practice.

Love is not miserable.

I am a Libra Sun and a Scorpio Venus.

I am a lover.

Make my love a home in your heart.

Make my love a canopy on your bed just so I can cover you and watch you rest.

Make my love the tune you hum between your lips vibrating a tender noise.

I want my love to make love to your love and sing the heavenly angel’s tune.

I am a lover.

I am a Libra Sun and a Scorpio Venus

I am a lover.

~KLD~

To my thirty something's!

So… LETS GET DOWN TO THIS TITLE YALL…. I have lived a life of great dysfunction from abandonment, neglect, living with a parent that had a drug addiction, and had a huge influence in growing up as a Christian child… as you can see could have left me as a poster child for disaster, but thank goodness I was supported in ways that helped me keep going. Why’d I add all of this?? Because I have learned throughout my child-adult self to build some kind of system to not have my life (or myself) fall apart. This has helped me in the long run as an adult because I can’t have chaos. There’s no room to have mess. I need to have some kind of order in my life because I used to be a person that lets things flow and happen, but it wasn’t working because then I’d forget, double book, or lead to more procrastination… I also believe in the long run, that structure has created such a high expectation for myself that I have to have it all together. It causes great anxiety and turmoil when something shifts into a different direction that I have not planned. Damn.. sounds like I would like to be prepared for some shit to happen so I can be ready to figure out how to go about it… BUT THATS NOT HOW LIFE WORKS!

For context, I’m a college student so I start my mornings with freshening up, breakfast, yoga, meditation, class, I need a calendar to keep up with days of the week, see how early or later I can do my homework, schedule my dates with people I love, therapy etc, but I feel like my life is too structured. It’s too much order. I’m not having any fun. This nice routine and ritual I’ve created has kept me in check, but I don’t make anytime for pleasure. I have not leaned into indulging in having time to just let loose. I haven’t had a good day or night out in a while either. Sometimes I’m just way too tired to even indulge in pleasures because life is just so fucking much and a nigga be BROKE.

I have a feeling this stagnancy won’t last forever, but as a newly thirty year old… what are my pleasures now? I have yet to explore it, but I’ve been planning to dreamscape (writing and imagining my life) with my sibling about what I envision my life to be because right now I feel so so lost. “Having it all together” doesn’t mean one has it all. I will acknowledge this world makes it hard to explore or imagine pleasure because capitalism!!!! but I just want to be able to feel like my life is more than just this regular degular life I’m living. Where is the flirty and thriving part in my thirties because this shit is trash right now!

I’m tired of ignoring joys in my life and prioritizing routine and structure. Life is messy, why can’t I get a little messy and get my freak on! WHATEVER THAT FREAK IS! (doesn’t have to mean sexually)

A question to ask oneself: What are my pleasures now: both simple and grand? What is pleasurable to me? How can I make my pleasures exist? How can I bring pleasure into my life that doesn’t feel like I have to put so much effort in making it happen?

Yours Truly,

Kyro

(photo from pinterest)