guess who’s a year older?

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everything she wants

i had a bizarre thought on my birthday, the 26th of this month, the Wednesday that came and left. a lot of people work on their birthday— i would rather not. it was a day spent window shopping, trying an egg tart for the first time and trying to explain my nut allergy to someone who works at a matcha place. “no, we use the same spoon for pistachio and banana pudding.” we walked through Selfridges and i found myself saying “i wish i was rich enough to be able to buy all of these things.” i have never wished for this.

i have never wanted more than enough. i have never been interested in designer looks and handbags and clothes and brands.

why did i suddenly have this thought? where was this thought coming from? why did i suddenly look at Coach bags and £259 dresses differently?

i have no idea what caused this thought. i tried to analyse it in the shower, two days after but i just came up with this newsletter instead. it astonished me that so many people were out there buying and shopping from Selfridges, just a normal day with a normal wallet. what kind of jobs did these people have? do they save people? do they kick a football around? do they make robots? Selfridges?! but why? if i was rich, truly rich, would i still not shop sensibly? would Tiffany & Co, Gucci and Prada interest me? would i wear socks that no one would see for £50, would i buy a tiny handbag and would i buy a lilac, lace dress for £259?

imagine what you could buy for £259... my thought vanished before i knew it and i carried on with my day. if i was rich, i would most likely not shop in Selfridges. i would stick to Vinted, H&M and charity shops, i’m okay with finding bargain turtlenecks tucked away in aisles or taking the risk and buying a skirt that may be too short or long for me.

the majority of my wardrobe is second hand and i have never felt shame in that. every piece has a story and every piece has never robbed me blind. i have enough clothes to keep me warm in winter and enough clothes to keep me airy in summer. what else can i ask for? kites aren’t even allowed to be flown in Gaza.

i don’t know what this is but thanks for reading <3

it’s been a while but it’s good to be back. i wrote a poem the other day and it made me so happy, i need to return to myself again.

slowly but surely.

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Letters to Reality (through the author’s eyes)

i reread my romance novel in one night, here are my thoughts.

i forget i have a book. i forget i achieved a dream and it sits in my wardrobe, in a line of books and old journals i gave up on. i wrote a book during the pandemic and it’s not bad writing, it’s got emotion and heart. i want my husband to read my book. i needed to reread it and reflect: why am i so embarrassed by my own novel? by my own completed dream? what is it that makes me want to hide in my own shell like a tortoise?

it was weird reading my own words from an older, different perspective. someone who’s grown so far away from her younger self. i don’t know why i was so embarrassed. it’s a good novel.

“the past was more important than we thought.”

letter one starts with childhood love and innocence. it situates around memories built through a natural relationship that weren’t good enough to maintain a permanent relationship. memories can’t always save a bond. sometimes, you have to accept that there was nothing you could have done or said.

Serenity remembers her childhood sweetheart, her neighbour and her first friend. as a romantic, she knew she would fall for the first man who ever gave her attention only to prove that he was just like all the other boys.

“remembering can be hard when the difficult moments are closest to the surface.”

letter two is about not being ready for a relationship and accepting that. boys being boys. always wanting more when you’re not ready, immaturity. choosing yourself when a boy is ready to give you attention, love or whatever duties come with being a boyfriend, is a hard decision for a girl who’s never had love.

Serenity knew she had to choose herself but the what if’s were always there- behind her shoulder. what if i had said yes? what if i was ready?

“i couldn’t recover whilst being with a boy like you.”

letter three is about not having enough time. never having enough time. at the time i wrote this novel, i didn’t know what it was like to lose a friend but i understand now. we didn’t have enough time, it still makes my throat hurt.

i wish we went to a concert together- just like you said. one of those smaller, cheaper concerts where the music is just as good. maybe an artist i’ve never heard of. i wish we had more walks and bus rides. the friend i lost read Letters to Reality on a long bus ride home, not forgetting to send her reactions to me. we had only met a few weeks prior to this. for the short time we had, she left her mark.

“i thank you for the effort you put onto us. you’re the best memory.”

letter four is about the perfect love… going wrong. it shows you how forgiveness is a powerful thing but should only be given to the right people.

Serenity is a strong believer of the phrase ‘too good to be true’. this relationship had to go wrong to make sure no one got deceived or hurt in the future. it had to go wrong to make things right.

“when you were serious, the world stopped and imitated you.”

“i was ready to fall for someone, that’s how easy it felt.”

letter five is the behind the scenes of someone who was always there. it might be my favourite letter.

for a second, i think, is my novel turning into my life? no, my husband isn’t like any of the men in this novel and that’s a good thing. this is an unexpected relationship (if you can call it that) and Serenity learns what sacrifice means. she went from having a simple childhood sweetheart to suddenly finding a pious, loving person in the wrong circumstances.

right person, wrong time.

“telling you my thoughts felt like confiding in the moon, waiting all day to be embraced by your long arms.”

“you were a turbulent tempest inside.”

Serenity chooses herself again but differently. eventually, she does what needs to be done.

“loneliness can be good but we’d do anything to avoid it.”

letter six is about using each other but mutually. a contract. a deal. let’s spend time together but no commitment, no serious declarations of love or anything silly. let’s get what we need out of each other and call it nothing.

“you didn’t want to be found and i understood.”

letter seven is simple: the wrong one. the mistake. there is nothing else to explain.

“we believed in a forever at a young age.”

“the same love is never repeated.”

once the letters finish, the chapters begin and the real story begins.

“almost is a strange way to describe something between two people.”

why do we use such words to describe relationships? situationship. almost. Serenity goes through many situations, many people without labels.

“i remember thinking my life was sorted at a young age.”

funny how the life you imagine for yourself as a child and a teenager changes when you get older. you realise your life would never have been the way you imagined it. life through naive, unexperienced eyes is unrealistic and dreamy- you can’t help yourself. i spent several sport days imagining living next door to my friends and having a grey mini cooper as my car. Serenity learns that the life she knew: bicycle rides through the neighbourhood, whispered secrets and following her parent’s around the house was not the life meant for her. adult life is more responsibility sure, but her freedom was defined bigger than her world on her bicycle- the world is so much larger.

“his dreams used to swim in his eyes and now they’ve drowned.”

i love the chapters in my novel because Serenity has grown and the men we hear about in the letters are not the same people they used to be (some are, however).

“maybe this exchange will make us a part of each other’s lives again.”

the thought of meeting possible love interests, ex’s is daunting but thrilling. Serenity is faced with multiple encounters, adult life is full of surprises.

“Justin can smell, hear and see all of Serenity.”

“you no longer love me the way i want you to and i still need to accept that.”

thank you for reading about the little world that is Letters to Reality. you can find it on Amazon or Etsy, it would mean the world if you checked it out!

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this newsletter is nothing but a ramble, i hope you enjoy (someone give me new music to listen to).

start writing, substack says.

i have started listening to BTS again and sometimes i revisit the playlists i have created and i wonder why do i have so many? because i’m not Laurie from Little Women and the teenager who loved BTS has changed but she still lives in me everyday. she is cheering me on with handmade pom pom’s and she can’t believe the woman i have sprouted into. she has to pinch herself. their songs are still so addicting and i will never forget how my sister cried because she couldn’t get Jimin’s voice out of her head. she told my mum, blaming me and we just laughed.

BTS are returning and i don’t feel the same as i used to but i’m excited. i miss having good, new music. i feel like i’ve been listening to the same songs over and over again, why is there no good, new music? Harry’s new single is okay, not a fan. i am waiting patiently for BTS’ new album, i remember how fun comebacks would be and i know i’ll be texting my sisters about it anyway. they won’t care for them but at least they’ll read my messages.

not being a fangirl is boring.

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Namjoon is right, he hates and loves Seoul all at the same time. is it possible to love and hate something or someone at the same time? i love my hometown and there are times, when i hate my hometown but hate is a strong word. dislike is a better word. i know where to purchase the right amount of Halal meat from the butchers to be able to make my favourite meal, egg fried rice and gazebo chicken. my mum taught me this and now, whenever we make it, i make the sauce for the rice and she makes the chicken. it’s a team effort, i still have yet to master the terrible, confusing, chaotic skill of cooking rice. do i just buy a rice cooker? do i still like BTS or do i just enjoy their music?

my hometown holds several monuments. if you decide to visit, dont forget to visit the street behind my childhood home where my friend lives. the friend i was never close to until a family friend’s wedding and the art of poetry and being creative brought us together. don’t forget to visit the speed bumps on the main road leading to my high school and the home where my first cat came from. the reservoir that leads to the birth place of my second cat. the field where we all completed cross country, ran out of breath and avoided the walking dogs. the bus stop where me and my brother stood and i took him to our local museum for a day out. i like my hometown but i like my people better.

childhood is sacred and it’s something we will never get back. so make your favourire meal and remember your mother because she taught you life. this is how to make egg fried rice and gazebo chicken for your dinner next week or the week after.

1. marinate your chicken.

   1. for two people, 500g will last you four meals in total (i think… i’m giving very rough measurements. feel free to adjust accordingly). marinate your chicken in 1 tbsp of lemon juice, 1 tsp of black pepper, 1 tsp of salt, 2 tbsp of soy sauce and 1 tbsp of vinegar. leave to marinate overnight.

2. prepare your rice.

   1. for the sauce, cut 2 bell peppers, grate a few carrots and cut your spring onions. cook all together in 1 tbsp of oil.

   2. when softened, add your spices- 1 tsp of chilli powder, 1 tsp of green chillies, 1 tbsp of ginger/garlic, 1 tbsp of black pepper, 1 tsp of salt.

   3. i realise now i am typing this up by heart so this won’t be accurate. i usually use a fried rice mix (it comes with more spices that gives you a more distinctive flavour), if you can find something similar to a Schezwan spice, that would be ideal.

   4. when your paste has thickened and your vegetables are cooked thoroughly, add in 3 eggs and 2 tbsp of soy sauce.

3. once you have boiled your rice, mix together with your sauce.

4. deep fry your chicken.

   1. take out your marinated chicken and coat in whisked egg.

   2. coat your chicken in cornflour before deep frying until golden brown.

5. sauce for your chicken.

   1. mix together ketchup, chilli sauce, chilli flakes (no measurements but you need a lot for a thick enough sauce to coat your chicken).

   2. cook your chicken in this sauce for ten minutes until it sticks.

6. serve your chicken and rice side by side, enjoy together.

until next time,

ahsia x

Find me!

this was supposed to be a poem, it became something else but it is an appreciation post for my friends and my family.

ps. i got married.

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how much sugar do you take in your tea?

one mum, two mums. one dad, two dads. two sisters, six sisters. one brother, three brothers. one love, one love.

we meet up over green drinks, hot drinks, food that gets cold too quickly, desi breakfast or in the damp, rainy seats of a car. i ask my friends to rate what day of my wedding week they liked the most and my eyes flash with excitement, blinking rapidly, watching them think out loud with er’s and urm’s. mehndi was fun, but so was… i would love to relive all of those memories, take me back in time and give me the middle seat of the cinema. my friends make me emotional when i think about them and perhaps this is a little salute, a love letter, a token of appreciation, a squeeze to every single one of them for carrying me, helping me, loving me but most especially showing me what friends are for.

a palette of green, blue, lilac, grey flickers behind my eyes. it’s special knowing this newsletter will go to most of their emails. the highlights of my wedding week included them, whether they were in the centre of the memory or somewhere fluttering behind. all of the love built up over the years expanded and broke into gushing waves through making me a cup of tea or “let me get that for you” or “let’s fix your hair” and spinning together a mocktail.

and what about the grip pins in my hair, always ready to fall into my friend’s hands. lip pencil at the ready. my sister made my childhood friend cry. “let me get us matcha” and “i will try to cut the cake for you.” hugging my sister at the corner of the homely, makeshift stage where the fairy lights didn’t work no matter how hard we tried. words of advice in a tent full of twenty or so conversations. crumbles of magic and laughter, carried from high school sealed into envelopes and little aero desserts. my friend’s face in front of me, like a mirror showing me a different nose and eyes but somehow, so similar. her face everyday, fingers pointed together to perfect an inked wing and curl my long eyelashes.

showing up early, staying late. everyone departing one by one until i was the one to depart whilst they all watched, waving their hands. no one cried but everyone knew everything had changed. everyone hugging my mum goodbye and meaning it when they say “auntie, look after yourself. let us know if you need anything.” writing messages over pieces of paper i have yet to read. singing and for once, not caring what the hell other people think! why would we care? everyone there were people i cared most about in the world and they were showing up for me, in their beaded gems, clutches, gentle smiles of cheers and hopefulness. “you have to feed each other the cake!”

so much hope in just a week and god, maybe i have done well in this life because i have my friends and the first word i think of when it comes to them is family. six sisters and counting. i’d relive my wedding week to be with you all again.

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i’m currently eating grapes, my sister sent me pictures of our cats last night and i am counting down the days until august. how are you all?

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gaza is the hungriest place on earth

gaza is the hungriest place on earth and we’re watching it happen. i suddenly don’t feel like eating, a hunger strike might show my dedication to the cause but what would that do? are my prayers working? i really do love you so much. there are no question marks and my prayers are the same every evening: please let the people of gaza know there is light at the end of the tunnel, tell them we care. we see you.

coke was my favourite, go to drink. the bubble cascading your throat, it doesn’t even taste of anything. gaza. i am planning the biggest event of my life and i've started adding a swirl of honey into my tea. i keep making excuses to meet my married cousin— i’m always too busy and i’m always too tired. isn’t everyone one or the other or both?

in a week, i’ll still be praying for gaza. in a month, i’ll still be praying for gaza. in a year? in a year i’ll be turning a year older and my mum will still ask me: do you know how to make rice? what is life like now that you have to do everything on your own? my chapattis are round and i found out: coke can be a good toilet cleaner.

turns out, my favourite person has always lived a walk away from me all my life. they just have two years more life experience than me: do you know this song? not stuck in a tree and not stuck in traffic, they came at the right time for this version of me.

my father’s eyes show what he’s feeling. they squint when he’s talking about something with a smile, all you would need to see are his eyes and all you would need to hear is his voice. i spoke to a friend more than a month ago, he randomly rang me and i heard his smile. life moves so fast but people move faster.

i want to stop at petrol stations with you and to catch your smile from across a room of people. i want to open the windows of a driving car and put my hand out, just to remember little old me, the guinea pig, who wouldn’t believe her life.

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i want a spark so vivid and aggressive to hit me that it forces me to be creative again. i know nothing good comes out of forcing creativity, you have to just let it happen but i am tired of not writing poems, working on my novel that i don’t know if i still like anymore and having one, two, three ideas about all the things i could draw. what would i draw? what would i write? i am busy planning the most important event of my life and stepping back, waiting, letting go of some of the control is difficult. i missed writing nonsense but this newsletter is about what movie soundtracks stand out to me and why they make the movies what they are.

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my top 5 movie soundtracks:

1. call me by your name is without a doubt number one. so many scenes flash through my mind when i close my eyes: elio watching oliver on the dance floor and lady lady lady playing. the end credits and elio staring into the fireplace. elio playing the piano. a summer in italy where you nap in the afternoons and you yearn like never before. we have classical music, old pop that would keep you company if you’re an introvert who is going on a night out and the really sad songs with soft voices and soft lyrics— sufjan stevens brings life into the movie along with andre aciman’s characters and dialogues and luca’s directing skills and perfect snapshots of what it is to be in love and for music to represent the bittersweetness of it. music flows through the movie like a river that never stops, it slows down and allows you to remember what came before and prepare you for what comes next.

2. la la land is a masterpiece. music from start to end, we see mia and seb’s love story catch a flame before being snuffed out as we are told: love stories do not always have happy endings. the audience is given a song for every mood but what really grasps my heart and makes me smile is city of stars and mia and sebastian’s theme. both songs hold a hundred emotions but they are full of memories. each song carries both character’s fiery, sentimental passion through them and it is heard in every chord and every note.

2. bohemian rhapsody is top tier. it doesn’t help that i grew up hearing songs by queen in school and of course, they are very popular— everyone knows ‘another one bites the dust’. however, as someone who knew nothing about queen and freddie mercury and music from before the 2000’s, this was all very new to me. i went away from this movie with an extensive knowledge of queen and their music. i would say they are now one of my favourite bands and the songs i like the most are a mixture of underrated songs and the popular songs featured in the movie. i want to break free, bohemian rhapsody, don’t stop me now, who wants to live forever… come on, this movie is a recorded, historical movie of a band that made music in a way not a lot of people can and ever will. without this soundtrack, there is no movie.

3. challengers, yes, yes, ABSOLUTELY YES. we all know what i’m going to say but yes, that score. it plays through the entirety of the movie but not always, only at certain times. why? i tried my best to pay attention to when it would play the second time i watched this movie but it is hard to understand, maybe it is not meant to be understood. there is constantly a game playing between the characters, in their relationships, in their lives, in their careers. behind the love, the emotions, the money, there is a challenge. hence the title. hence the song. hence the complicated intimacy.

4. past lives is a beautiful movie. however, there is one scene that stands out to me the most: you know more than i know is playing and nora, hae sung and arthur are sitting at a bar. the lighting is beautiful and arthur is silent. a small, intimate conversation is taking place— not at all suitable for the environment and situation but all characters know the conversation needs to happen. their eyes are talking, the song is talking and there are so many different yet similar emotions tying all three characters together. listen to the song. watch the scene. tell me what you think.

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thank you all for subscribing to be here and listen to me talk about anything and everything. i appreciate all 330 of you!

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something good

it’s friday afternoon. my to do list is bare. sometimes, the day feels like it starts after twelve pm and not in the morning hours of the day. mornings let me hide, i like mornings only when they go fast and the sky isn’t grey, i like lonely mornings. this ramadan feels blessed, there are more blue skies than droplets of rain and i have never felt more grateful for the way my life is looking. alhamdulillah. i am reading a book that focuses on the syria revolution and the disgusting war that came with it. there is hope tucked between the miserable faces, the grief of family and the disembodied children.

there is always hope. i don’t like dates but i break my fast with them every single day. then comes the water. haven in your throat. i feel it go down into my stomach and it meets my gratitude, they shake hands and they say “oh look, she’s doing better.” remember the little girl who spoke more gujrati than english? i don’t. remember the teenager who couldn’t make eye contact and was too scared to say no? i don’t. remember me?

i wish i prayed my salah more slowly, why am i in such a rush? i blame my mother. my goals this ramadan are:

• no music: this is going well surprisingly, my self control is efficient and i have been listening to podcasts instead. i don’t think i’ll be a podcast person outside of ramadan however…

• no tv or movies: my letterboxd is suffering but i will redeem myself soon.

• make a dua everyday: i was doing really well with putting my hands together before maghrib salah and praying for all the things i hope and wish for— i will try harder.

• practicing patience and strength: i feel like this is going well. i take the time to pray during work (my dinner break) and i sit there in silence afterwards, it feels good for my heart.

• finish my book ‘where the lemon trees grow’: halfway through!!!!!!!!!!!

this friday feels like a friday where all of the hope we innocently have as humans makes sense. there is something worth fighting for and there is something always good coming your way. this is your sign, i can feel it. i don’t know anything about any of you but i know something good is coming your way and it will make a home underneath your lungs and in the tiny hairs of your arms but it will be good for you, it will make you feel light and it will make your heart sing again.

perhaps i’m feeling this positive and good because january and february are over, i always wonder if i do have seasonal affective disorder. march is pleasant. a beautiful reminder lives on my left hand and i think that was my something good.

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ramadan mubarak to all of those who celebrate, i hope this month treats you well. my goals for this month are to channel patience and be present more, it’s almost been a week and i think i am doing well. sticking to goals can be hard. my life is so consumed by work recently, i find myself thinking and thinking— am i doing a good job? why am i so desperate for validation?

6 fasts complete so far, at least i’m reading more. i’m currently reading ‘as long as the lemon trees grow’. this newsletter takes you through the alphabet but each letter represents someone in my life. turns out i don’t know someone who’s name begins with x.

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my people (alphabetically)

A

the alphabet starts off strong. the letter a is outstanding in my life, it’s always there and i find a lot of people to cherish with the letter a (including myself). a is for apples, anti heroes and animals but it’s also for ahsia and my sister. ahsia, my writer persona, the anti hero. she is the poet that resides in me and i owe all of my creativity to her. my sister, i like to believe follows in my footsteps. we hold the same amount of letters in our names and sometimes, i feel like i am looking into a mirror. i knew early on, she’s always been better than me.

B

b is for bananas, biting nails and big mistakes but for me, my childhood friend holds this letter. her name is unique, so unique to the point where teachers in school would get it wrong and still wouldn’t correct themselves. it’s hard to create a nickname for her name but now, her name rolls off my tongue perfectly fine— second nature. it means “lucky” or “fortunate” and among being intelligent, wise and hilarious, she definitely is lucky and presents herself as someone who is constantly grateful for all that life has given her.

C

c is for crumpets, cats and crying healthy tears but c is for chelsea— a friend i wish i still knew and a friend i didn’t think i’d have to grieve this early. chelsea was brave, adventurous and she made me want to sit in coffee shops by myself more and go to small gigs where i could sing out loud and not feel embarrassed about it. it’ll almost be a year since i lost her and had to deal with the fact that i will never be talking to her again, it’s still hard but i like to think that she’d be here cheering me on and grinning.

D

d is for dumplings, driving home and discovering new cities but d is for dawn. a friend i had made in my volunteering journey. i previously used to take phone calls from struggling individuals all over the country with mental health issues and tears to shed, during these shifts i made a lot of friends including dawn who i met at a training day. it happens yearly but we sat together and we clicked. we were like two kids getting in trouble for being too loud in class, i love adults who maintain their inner childishness. the last time i saw dawn, we hugged tightly but one of my favourite core memories is her singing to a room full of volunteers, cowboy hat on her head and her saying my name in the middle of a song.

E

e is for eggs on toast, enthusiasm and experimenting foods but e is for eddie. my neighbour and one of the reasons why i love old people. he’s full of stories, tales from a childhood that i will never know and experience. he asks me questions and some answers i repeat every year but i’m happy to tell him all over again.

F

f is for friendship, funfairs and farts when you laugh too hard but f is for my sister. the one who will always come after me, second but just as important. she is loud and puzzled and soft and boisterous but she is my sister. as i get older, i learn more from her and her experiences. i want her to do better than me, i want her to show what success looks like but in her own way. you never really stop being proud of your siblings, even my brother who is also an f. my mum is also another f and she continues to be my biggest hero.

G

g is for grapes and growing up but g is for garry. someone i also met during my volunteering journey and someone i wish i saw more. he is friendly, his smile is contagious and he says “lovely” “darling” and he says people’s names with such sentiment. the first time i met garry, i felt like we already knew each other— we said hello as people do when they’re in emotionally challenging roles, with such enthusiasm and joy. if the world was filled with garry’s, the world would be a better place.

H

h is for home, hide and seek and hope but h is for helen. my friend. the first person i was introduced to when i started working full time. helen looked after me and i know if we were in the same setting, in the same place, she still would. she’d kiss and hug me hello and goodbye everyday we’d see each other and i’ll never forget that, knowing i’d see her the week after would be a great boost of joy and hope and all things right.

I

i is for imagination, inclusion and the internet but i is for my best friend isha. how do i begin? isha is the definition of a best friend, the textbook version i never thought i’d receive. after years of saying, this is my best friend. wait, no… this is my best friend. isha holds the final position. we hold a lot of each other’s personalities and when we’re together, it is never boring. we continue to see, do and learn new things and we’re doing it all together.

J

j is for joggers, jumping on the trampoline and juice but j is for a boy i once liked. still my friend, he was someone i clicked with over a big group lunch. we talked about books and for the first time in my life, i was talking to a boy who knew how to hold a conversation. i remember thinking “this guy gets it” and as i used to, i fell for him easily. problem is, the bare minimum catches my eye. the flutter of my crush went away but i still enjoy seeing him whenever i do and it’s still very hard to meet men who are inherently good.

K

k is for koalas, being kind and kindred spirits but k is for my friend khadija. she is someone who continues to show up for me. the funny thing about our friendship is that for a long time, we didn’t speak and then unexpectedly, we came back into each other’s lives and continued to make an effort to maintain what we had rekindled. we went from seeing each other everyday in school to now trying to make plans months in advance, funny how life changes but we remain the same— our conversations got deeper, our laughter got louder and our effort towards each other and our friendship got stronger.

L

l is lemonade, loving and listening actively but l is for liana. my first online friend and the one who stayed. after all of these years, we stayed in contact even if it was just sending a random voice note about what university life is like or what BTS is up to. we’ve seen each other grow up and it’s remarkable how she was and still is intelligent and artistic, both inside and out.

M

m is for memories, the moon and magnets but m is for my friend moonisha. she became my friend after drama and negative friends that aren’t really your friends. you know the kind of friends that you don’t need to worry about? the ones who click right back into place with you, even if two years pass. moonisha is that person for me.

N

n is for nuggets and saying no but i can’t think of anyone for this letter.

O

otto is the ocean and optimism but it’s for one of my cats. he’s just a boy cat, doing his bit for the world.

P

p is for a friend’s parrot, photography and saying please but it’s for my dad.

Q

q is for a person i am yet to meet.

R

r is for ribeye, riddles and romanticism but it is also for someone’s younger sister. someone who is going to be a part of my family very soon.

S

s is for sunflowers, surprises that never go according to plan and smoke but it is for my person. it’s true what they say, there is someone out there who will look at you for who you are and still love you regardless.

T

t is for trainers, trying new recipes and teaching yourself that it’s okay to let people take care of you but it is for my cousin. we have visited scotland several times together and every time, we experienced it differently. i’m grateful because i got to experience every season with her in a city that calls my name without trying.

U

u is for a person i am yet to meet.

V

v is for violins but it is for a member of a boy band that taught me the importance of self love. if you don’t know BTS, you’re missing out. this korean pop boy band made life so much fun and introduced me to a world where i enjoyed myself, music and dance. i’ve always been someone who enjoys fantasising and fangirling about boy bands but BTS was my most memorable band crush.

W

w is for a person i am yet to meet.

X

x is for a person i am yet to meet.

Y

y is for yoghurts and yelling at the top of your lungs at a waterfall but it is for my first cat. she’ll always be my child, my baby. it’s true you know? animals are so smart, so intuitive and they understand you beyond belief. they’re there for you physically and emotionally.

Z

z is for zebras but it is for my good, childhood friend. my friend who i keep very close to my heart because every time we’re together, we are laughing. there are so many things and so many worries on our minds but we can talk through them. she listens, she laughs, she talks in detail. we went from travelling to school together, walking home after exams to sitting in her car in an isolated car park because we can’t stop talking.

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today is a slow day, much needed after the weeks i have been experiencing. it feels like i’ve hit reset and i can breathe again. i washed and dried my bed sheets and now i am having a cup of tea for two reasons: i have a sore throat and i love tea. how are you all? how is the weather treating you?

today’s newsletter includes a past letter i wrote to myself, in preparation for my birthday. i use ‘futureme’ which is a website/app that allows you to send virtual letters to yourself, however many years from now. whatever time. whatever day. it’s a very fun invention. i usually send myself birthday letters every year. i was so worried about throwing a picnic birthday party and no one turning up (spoiler: people did).

a letter from aug 25, 2023 to myself

dear dearest,

this is aisha but you already know that. i turn a year older tomorrow and i am sending this letter for you to read when you turn even older— maybe i should turn this into a yearly thing (i will try).

recently, your mental health has not been great and you don’t know if it’s the fact that you’ve got holiday blues after istanbul or if it’s because you’re ill. and yes i’m not going to worry about punctuation, my nose is running and i’m waiting for my parents to come home after they went shopping. i’m having a birthday party tomorrow by the way!!! what??? i haven’t had one since i was like 14 or whatever. i remember that one being when i was a teenager, watching scary movie scenes on youtube and the people that had come weren’t my true friends- they were my friends at the time but they weren’t friendships that were built on intimacy, connection but more like necessity.

so i’m having a picnic party but apparently it’s going to rain. my friend, isha has told me to relax and we will sort something out. i have invited a few people, only people that i genuinely want to be there- zainab, chelsea, eleanor, maria and others. some others can’t make it but that’s okay. i don’t like parties and a part of me is overthinking, wondering if anyone will even turn up and if anyone cares about me that much. i keep forgetting that i am loved and cared for but the little voice inside of my head is my anxiety and this little old teenage me who’s wondering if anyone will actually come but it’s okay because i know isha and maria are coming.

i’m sick. i was sick three weeks ago and now i’m sick again, it’s ridiculous. i had an interview for a job and i really wanted it but i didn’t get it. the feedback i received was amazing, it’s motivated me not to give up. i only work monday—wednesday and nothing has changed there, as usual i love the people i get to work with. my colleague still hugs me on a daily basis, i am appreciated and i can’t really complain. i stay out of the drama and i have made a new friend eleanor who's cats i recently met.

my cousin is engaged, i was nervous and afraid of what that meant for me but i am excited and happy now because she is happy. i am excited also, to actually go to a fun wedding. my sister got her exam results and she did amazing. my plan tomorrow is to finally use my red picnic blanket properly. we are going to be decorating tote bags, i’m making a dessert board— similar to what my colleague did at her birthday party. there will be donuts, brownies, pizza, pasta, i’m going to use my polaroid camera, take out my books, give out party bags.

geez ahsia, things have felt so overwhelming for you recently that i forgot to take a second to breathe and just hug you. i am very proud of you and you need to remember that you are okay, you are here and you need to remember that you actually like yourself. i hope you have travelled more and that you keep doing new things. maybe go out of your comfort zone a little more and do some shit!!!!! istanbul was amazing. paris was too. don’t be so harsh on yourself. you are good at meeting new people.

i love you. see you next year sucker!

it’s finally friday and my colleague and i both agreed we have no idea where this week has gone, it has been so busy. how are your days? my weekdays disappear between seeing loved ones and my job. life is different when you realise yes, you actually do need a job to survive! happy february (can i say that yet?) and happy 2025. i am yearning for summer and better weather. i need the sun on my face. i need to not wear my coat anymore.

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my most recent film photos

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i am so sick of writing about 2024, i want to delve right into 2025 and start the new life this year is going to bring me but i can’t move on from 2024 yet… not officially, not until i write about the whirlwind of a year in a newsletter. what else is substack for? what is the whole point of being a writer if you don’t reflect on the year and the mess and beauty it gave you?

how was your 2024? what are your new year resolutions?

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2024 in pictures:

JANUARY: “how do i want to live the rest of my life?” audre lorde

i don’t exactly remember any details of any month from last year but these pictures will help me to remember, why else do we take pictures? and videos? to remember. see, i remember the hot soup of the ramen and the kind waiter who asked my friend and i to leave him a review on google. we didn’t but maybe next time. i remember the tarot reading my friend gave me, i was wearing my red, flannel, christmas pjs and i remember nodding. i remember agreeing.

FEBRUARY: “i am paying attention to small beauties, whatever i have” sharon olds

i remember february feeling a lot like january, it was miserable and grey. my friend and i completed a craft stall, we didn’t make a lot of money but at least we could say we had done it! sometimes, i forget i have an etsy shop and every time i remember, i think… shit, well done you. i remember watching one of my favourite movies for the first time: of an age. i remember watching the characters fall in love on screen and it meaning something tragic.

MARCH: “maybe in a year i could write something” sharon olds

i met my cousin’s husband in march and he was kind, he was perfect for her. it’s nice meeting men that help to change my perspective and that not all men are scary, aggressive and taunting. he paid for my tea with two sugars. i became a spiderman girl, thanks to my sister and the days started ending later. i took fortune cookies too seriously and i relied on signs too much. i remember thinking and feeling: yes i’ve met the one and i was so wrong.

APRIL: “do you exist? have i made you up?” virginia woolfe

april was the month i tried soup dumplings for the first time and loving them, they were so good. i would go to the same restaurant just to eat them. that was a good night, i remember breaking my fast with my best friend. i remember seeing my friends who moved away again, i always feel so loved and protected after seeing them. i wish they lived closer, they do now.

MAY: “grief is a circular staircase” linda pastan

i remember you may. i remember the grief. i lost a lot of things this month, i remember thinking: this is not a great year for me. but i went to the lakes, i cried silently on the drive home from watching challengers for the first time. my best friend and i found a lot of beautiful spots and we listened to a lot of taylor swift. i spent four hours on the train with someone who is a motherly figure to me, we laughed like old friends. i remember the good, special memories despite losing job opportunities, losing a friend.

JUNE: “love and a cough cannot be concealed” anne sexton

hey june, thanks for letting me wear outfits without a coat. i remember laughing a lot this month, i don’t know. maybe i’m wrong.

JULY: “memory blurs, that’s the point” georgia o’keeffe

i remember walking in july, the days ended hours after four o clock and i was so prepared for summer. sometimes, the beginning of a year is simple: i am just waiting for summer and summer is just waiting for me. i had impulsive saturdays, walking in the sunshine, following the sunset, following the pink hues of the sky, thrifting and buying breakfast.

AUGUST: “i’ve been looking at everyone like i love them” chen chen

august, i loved you. i will love you again next year, maybe more. i remember watching the most beautiful sunset and tearing up. i remember making a flask of tea, leaving the tea bag inside, letting the water simmer. i remember losing bracelet beads and watching the trees past the bus windows. i remember meeting permanence, finally finding what i had been searching for my whole life and trying to deny the fact that yes, i was utterly screwed but ready.

SEPTEMBER: “we can go forward” richard siken

september was all about changing. i remember making a big decision, i remember it feeling right. i tried good food, i was around good people. 2024 was all about those two things: good food and good people. what else matters?

OCTOBER: “the first poem i wrote that wasn’t about you was still about you” caitlyn siehl

i cried during a bridgerton, candlelight concert. i felt myself being missed and let me tell you something, it’s one of the greatest feelings in the world. yes, i miss you and i don’t know what to do with it. i remember shopping with people who were once strangers, i remember remembering my favourite movies and i remember shifting into planner mode.

NOVEMBER: “and in everything i see, i see him” a little life

november was dark but not cold enough just yet. i tried to watch a lot of movies but what i remember is the normalcy, i remember thinking: this is my new normal. i never questioned, denied it because it was the new kind of normal i had needed more than anything.

DECEMBER: “i only have you” gabriela mistrel

so, in the midst of everything, december was pure. i was adjusting to my new life and my new normal. i remember thinking, i want to remember this.

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i know it’s been a while. in between trying to help my sister with maths revision and remembering first impressions, i have been trying to remember as much as i can. remembering is difficult— that’s why journalling is so important to me. do any of you journal? this newsletter includes a few of my journal answers to rupi kaur prompts i got gifted last year. enjoy!

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rupi kaur prompts

13.07.24 — “describe how the sun feels on the back of your neck or a warm summer’s day.”

i really yearn for this right now. unfortunately, july is not the summer i need. but it feels like a sort of coming home, feeling the heat and burning sensation on your neck. it’s a feeling that belongs.

14.04.24 — “describe a moment in your life that felt like a movie.”

this is a very tough one. i know i’ve had many movie like momenys but none of them come to mind. i raked my head through all the train rides, sunsets and travelling yet i decided to choose this one: it was around five pm. my friend khadija and i had just met up with our old high school friends for lunch and we had decided to stay to behind. i’m really glad i stayed and didn’t go home until after 7 pm. the sun was very slowly setting and we had found a bench to sit on, in our town centre that was so familiar. we caught up properly after years. we talked about a lot of things, the people we were, the people we are and the people we could be.

31.3.24 — “what part of your daily routine are you most grateful for?”

a lot of it really. getting to wake up to my family, working with people i love and making a difference, along time on the bus with my earphones, tea- that is something i’m veru grateful for, my little hobbies such as journalling and writing and doodling and reading.

31.3.24 — “what traditions are you most thankful for and why?”

off the top of my head, ramadan comes to mind. fasting, making samosas, celebrating eid etc. it makes up a lot of what being a muslim is and that’s important to me. other traditions include: having dinner together, sending birthday paragraphs, i don’t know actually. anything could be a tradition— even reflecting on the year and documenting all the small moments from each day.

23.3.24 — “write a letter to a complete stranger. what do you wish for them?”

dear stranger. how are you? i hope you’re having a good day or there are at least small, good moments in your life that make everything worthwhile. i’d like this opportunity to send you wishes. i wish for you infinite, small, happy, memorable moments that make up each day. i wish that you know every emotion and the intensity of each because even the shitty ones teach you something. i wish that things pass.

17.3.24 — “how can we show the earth that we are grateful for all that it has provided us?”

by giving back in the same way, all those resources we need wouldn’t be here without the earth. we need to nurture the earth and care for it like a grandma would.

22.3.24 — “thank your physical body for all it does for you.”

hey body. thanks! thanks for helping me get to and from home. not to forget the things in my bedroom: my CD player, my mood board, my rings, all the little things my mum and isha have bought for me, my shared bed with my sister, my annotated books and my cameras. all of it will always mean s much— each and every room.

17.3.24 — “what is the greatest lesson a woman should learn?”

a woman. first thing that comes to mind is how to be brave and own what you are and what you have. as a woman, people will take, take, take from you and for as long as we live, men will always be there and there will always be a difference. so, the greatest person would be to know who you are and be proud of it, own your mistakes and your identity and quirks and start saying no.

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i hope you are all having a splendid friday so far. it’s dull and grey here, my grandma is speaking to me from across the room and my kitten is watching me type. i have a lot of things to be grateful for and i miss scrapbooking, i don’t even know where the days go recently— everything blends together. i need a minute to reflect. i need a minute to remember. there is so much to remember about october.

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it’s true what they say

it’s true what they say: one night in paris will change your life. it’ll do you good, your lungs will curse you later. there’s a world to discover in people’s cut trousers and metro windows, there’s always something waiting for you. sometimes, you get lucky and you get to see the eiffel tower every morning. you forget that you’re meant to find someone, you forget, you forget.

it’s true what they say: one night in istanbul will make you want to move. it’ll grant you promises through a prayer, broadcasted through the city. you can see your time being stretched here, somewhere between the markets, the seaside and the people. the sun will be on your side, can you believe that?

it’s true what they say: one night in wales will make you want to befriend the water. your heart is caught on a fishhook and every sailor is out for blood, you are out for love. you find it in the stray cats, the quietness of a town that really sleeps. there’s enough blue and green for the whole world, bob the builder stay away. you discover the silence of love and the love of silence.

it’s true what they say: one night in edinburgh will make you want to jump the castle walls. you’ll catch your eye on every single person that walks past, the buses will know your name and you’ll find your favourite spots. calton hill’s mystery, i have no idea of the history but there surely is an apartment with my name on it. you know what they say? you’ll forever run from your hometown but never leave.

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the last newsletter i wrote was the day after my birthday. now, it’s october and the clouds are grey again. a lot has changed, i have changed. i’ve found a new purpose. my whole life feels different now and in between the panic, the stress and the guilt, there’s an overwhelming amount of hope and excitement. i hope it’s a slow, meaningful and easy winter. so, what’s going on? i finished the gilded age, i started watching severence, i went to watch the new joker in the cinema, i’ve listened to birds of feather in a car that is becoming too familiar to me and i am trying to take one day at a time.

how are you all? leave me a comment.

my collection of trainers:

• vans: i got my first vans for one reason only and that was because everyone else had them. don’t look at me like that, i’m a changed person now. everyone was wearing vans in high school, the black and white ones. i still have the same pair, luckily most of my trainers have lasted me a long time. i still wear my vans every now and then, you can’t go wrong with black trainers and i think vans will never go out of style.

• new balance: i never expected to like new balance trainers but oh my god? they are so great. i have the 550 and i really like the comfort, the platform and the way the dark green goes with the grey. definitely won’t be my last pair!

• converse: converse was my first love (along with justin bieber). i swore it would be the only trainers i ever have in my life. i still have all of my old pairs as well as new: black, white, beige, dark brown, dark green, navy, grey. low and high top. everyone was also wearing converse in high school, i couldn't help but follow the trends back then but i’m glad i stuck with converse for so long. the most comfortable trainers i own, they’ve stuck by my side always.

• adidas: my favourite trainers right now are adidas. sambas and spezials blew up all over tiktok and they were sold out everywhere. they seemed so fashionable and i knew i needed the grey, black and white sambas. they’d go with everything. i was right. my mum said they look like bowling shoes because of how flat they are but… i love them. i quickly bought spezials soon after, the navy blue ones and they were a lot more comfortable with a bit of a platform. the good thing about both of these trainers is that they look good with my comfortable, baggy blue jeans. i’m tempted to by so many of their colour combinations. i know my next trainer purchase will also be spezials.

• nike: nike was a bold decision for me. i had these black nikes with the white logo, not my greatest pair (i’m cringing). they’re not trainers i’d choose to wear now but there is one last pair standing: a simple white trainer with a black nike logo. simple is the best.

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this august is wet and grey. my birth month, i turned a year older yesterday and the world seems different— i seem different but same all at the same time. there are good things in this life, like a good friend wrote on my birthday bag tag. write a letter to your future self, confess your love, do something impulsive. i hope august is treating you well.

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what's in my memory box?

during lockdown, my friend sent me a cardboard box in the post and it was such a nice, unexpected gesture. especially because we couldn’t see each other and it felt like we wouldn’t for a long time. a few years later, i decided to give the cardboard box a makeover. i removed the stickers and labels on it and glued pastel yellow paper onto all of the sides before lining it up with a tape that has van gogh’s painting on it. i wrote ‘ahsia’s memory box’ on the front and now it sits in the corner of my bedroom.

so, what’s in it?

a bunch of old greeting cards, from graduation to birthdays. i try my best to keep every single one with their little messages or paragraphs. it’s crazy how many i have but i like to keep everything. i have a luau, flower necklace that i stole from a restaurant at pride in 2022. my friends and i just threw them on, over our necks and ended up leaving without realising. why not right?

next, i have a bare bears plushie— the brown one. the trio friendship i was in at that time, we all joked about how each of us were one of the bears. i was grizz. good show, i recommend it. i have a whale that’s crocheted by my friend eleanor, it’s one of the first things she ever made and she gave it to me for my birthday. i have a smaller whale somewhere else too. a flower crown is also in the box, i realise it’s from the last trip i had to india— i remember wearing it there with my hair down in two messy braids.

rooting through the box, i also find BTS photo cards— unlocking another part of my identity, the fangirl. BTS remains as my favourite band and for a long time, i was obsessed with all seven of them. i also have my own photographs, of people in my life— friends, family, BTS, there’s also a photograph of the Trevi fountain in Italy. a place on my bucket list. i have a keyring that says ‘happy graduation’ which my mum got for me. my graduation feels like a long time ago, i did a lot of growing up.

i have an iron man figure on the side of the box— i’m a big marvel fan or at least i used to be. iron man has always been one of my favourite characters, alongside loki, kate bishop and peter parker. i have my old college ID badge which also feels like it belongs to a different version of myself. i remember taking the picture, the day i got my exam results. i have an old baby picture of myself in a tiny frame, i think i’m eating something and my cheeks are adorable big. lastly, i find a medal— the kind you find at parties during games. i won a game at my friend’s baby shower, very proud of myself.

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i hope you are well. it’s another week in august and i have a newsletter for you.

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my etsy shop journey: lockdown hits

sometimes, i find it hard to believe that i have an etsy shop. i don’t talk about it enough! a few years ago, my friend isha and i started a business together: iakindredstore. the name came from the netflix show: anne with an e, in which two best friends call each other their kindred spirits. isha and i are each other’s kindred spirits, we’ve always known that. and the ‘ia’ comes from the first letters of our names. so, we combined our hobbies of crocheting and drawing and created the business with certainty.

i’m not sure where the idea stemmed from but we were in lockdown due to covid, we were stuck in our houses and we couldn’t see each other since we live in different towns. i’m sure it was isha who came up with the idea… we’ll ask her later. good thing about isha is that she’s organised, crafty and serious. she bought a laminator, card paper— all of the supplies… and i started doodling.

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we started off with bookmarks, simple. my first few designs were related to whatever obsessions i had back then: money heist, supergirl (isha’s obsession), little mix, random designs of a whale, a few quotes and more. they’re not designs that i’m particularly proud of and if you look at my shop now, as a whole, you can see a big difference. i think i eventually found my drawing and art style. it took time but i’m a lot prouder of my bookmarks now.

isha crocheted adorable octopuses and made them into keyrings. i still have one on my backpack, it reminds me of my shop and isha of course, every time i look at it. isha is someone who started off crocheting slowly but before she knew it, she was a swift learner. she went from crocheting keyrings and scrunchies to a spiderman figure for me.

we got our first sale and i remember because i had just come out of the shower. such a sick moment! isha and i immediately rang each other and we squealed. looking back at that now makes it seem like so long ago. isha did so well— she packed the first few orders neatly and nicely, wrapped in tissue paper with free goodies. a lot of people were so supportive of the shop, especially my online friends from my poetry account (appreciate you all).

then, came the poetry prints, tote bags and greeting cards. i transformed my love for marvel, anne with an e, sex education, heartstopper, bridgerton, call me by your name and little women into more detailed designs. my poetry prints stemmed from my poetry account (over at ahsiawriting) and i printed them out onto card. greeting cards are fun, i thought and decided to do them too— nothing grand, very simple designs. the tote bags are non existent now but they were a fun project for a while. the truth is, with any business, a lot of things are trial and error— some things work out and some just don’t.

isha and i were growing up as we all do. i know it’s an obvious fact but we had graduated from university, we were looking for jobs and the reality of unemployment was hitting us. we both found jobs eventually but isha decided she needed a break. she was working nights at the time and things were proving to be overwhelming. looking back now, i realise it needed to happen because isha was doing most of the packaging and we weren’t handling shared finances correctly. i was merely only designing art digitally.

so, isha took a break and i brought everything from isha’s home to mine. a big box of card paper, laminated sheets, readymade bookmarks and gift cards. it was sad at first, since isha and i had started the business together and now i was alone in it all but after the feeling passed, it proved to be fun. i was doing whatever i wanted and i could transform my designs, through trial and error immediately. i also love packing orders— there’s just something about carefully folding bookmarks into tissue paper and giving people free poetry prints and goodies.

it’s only fair that you hear from my business partner too. i asked isha a few questions so here is a little q&a from the one and only isha:

where did the idea for an etsy shop stem from?

“Honestly can't remember now, I think Ahsia came up with the idea first and I rolled with it. We first started with bookmarks, Ahsia would design and I would print them out. Then we expanded with my crochet, Ahsia’s cards and her books. The name of our store was inspiration from our favourite show at the time and the friendship of Anne and Diana.”

how did you find crocheting when you first started?

“I first started crocheting peak covid time, like many of us, I was bored and did not know what to do with myself. For some reason crochet came to mind, I worked at a retail store at the time, I bought myself a starters kit, put on a YouTube video and started to crochet. I first started with the basic and tried a single stitch granny square, which turned into a triangle. I was going to give up, but then I tried something else. I learn better when I have a goal in mind, so I made a small octopus. It was terrible, it had six legs, but it was a start. So I tried again, and the second time I made it, it was perfect, although the eyes were wonky. Ever since I loved getting creative and bringing smiles to other people’s faces. I always love the comment "you made that?!" Yes bitch, I made it 🤪”

yes bitch! share one good and one bad thing about having an etsy shop?

“One good thing about etsy is that it's a place for creative people to start their journey, handmade or not. However, it is really difficult to promote our stuff and get steady orders.”

absolutely, it does take a while. what is your favourite thing to crochet?

“My favourite thing to crochet has to be the octopus keyrings because that was the first thing I ever made. Another think I like making at the moment is the Palestine keyring, part of the profit is donated to Palestine!”

what was the best thing about us starting an etsy shop together?

“I think the fact that we did it together made it less pressure. Even though I took a break in the middle, Ahsia really held the fort and has done really well for herself.”

we both have! has a lot changed since we first started our business?

“We have a lot more bookmarks and other items. We have rebranded our shop, and we have had our first stall. We are hoping to do more stalls soon, just got to find the perfect one.”

what piece of advice would you give to someone wanting to start their own business?

“Be patient, you may not make sales straight away but someone out there could be looking for what you make/sell.”

later last year, i hit 700+ sales… a lot of the time, things are slow and i get a few orders every month— the reality of most small businesses. however, i am grateful for the slow and constant nature of things. busy periods are usually early spring or christmas time— bookmarks make a good christmas gift. also, isha came back and iakindredstore reunited. however, due to tax purposes and finances, we decided it would be best for her to open up her own, separate shop. etsy makes things complicated despite being a good base and platform. this way, isha gets her money and i get mine.

despite going our separate ways and separating bookmarks from crocheting, we still class each other under the same title of our shop. isha is merely under another branch. so, what are we doing now? one of my new year’s resolutions was to do a craft stall with isha. and we did! it was brilliant, quiet and we both really enjoyed ourselves despite having to wake up super early. we sold a few things but we had a nice time, chatting, getting to know other stall holders and spreading the word about our little shop.

the truth is, things are slow but things are nice. it’s truly a privilege to sell your art and send it across the world for people to hold and keep— sometimes, i can’t believe that people have a bookmark with my design on it tucked into their book, have given a greeting card to someone they love or have my book on their shelf. it’s crazy. the shop is still growing (i recently came out with a zine, limited copies available) and i am growing with it. a lot of things are trial and error, taxes are fucking hard but i get to do what i love!

IAkindredstore link

please check out my etsy: iakindredstore and isha’s crochet etsy: IMHookedGB, we are both also on instagram. we always have new projects in the making. do take your time out to support small businesses and spread the word.

IMHookedGB link

see you soon, ahsia x

let’s heal our inner child together today. welcome back!

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my favourite animated movies:

ENCANTO

my sister told me to watch this movie and when i did, she rewatched it too. encanto was an amazing movie, it deserved all of the hype and truthfully, “we don’t talk about bruno” was stuck in my head for a long time. on the trampoline. in the shower. reading a book. i like the diversity, i like that each character has something to say. it makes you laugh, it makes you cry, it makes you sing, it makes you think about your own extended families.

COCO

nothing beats coco. i think coco was the first pixar disney movie i stopped and thought about. i cried a lot watching this movie and the ending… it still has me dazed. good songs. meaningful characters. the concept of family and death. i like the frida kahlo reference. my brother used to watch this movie a lot, on repeat and i’d watch it every time and… i would tear up every time.

ACROSS THE SPIDERVERSE

i wasn’t sure about watching this movie, i love all of the spiderman movies right? little did i know, i’d love this movie and the one that came before it. THE ART. THE CHARACTERS. THE MUSIC. THE TECHNOLOGY. i have to shout, it’s so good. it’s brilliant. there’s so much talent. somehow, peter parker and miles morales are different yet equally the same. it’s weird. i just love this movie and it’s complicated feelings and funky art so so much.

TOY STORY

another movie series i’ve always loved. my friends and i went to watch the last one in cinema (i was disappointed, whatever happened to buzz and woody sticking together?). i love the dialogue, the humour, the theme of letting go and growing up, the little quirks of each character from rex to the aliens. this movie highlights the concept of childhood perfectly and it really was my childhood.

SOUL

i love this movie. i don’t remember it well but i know it’s a movie that needs to go into my favourite animations list. i need a rewatch, honestly. it’s musical element is fantastic, essential to the story and there’s one big deep meaning behind everything. also, it’s jazz!

RATATOUILLE

this is everyone’s favourite movie. i dislike rats, they terrify me but this movie has a soft spot in my heart. the idea is insane: a rat helping a chef be better at his job and find love and make the most out of his life. it’s a movie about friendship and trust. plus, it’s set in paris and i’m getting goosebumps just thinking about the scenes (such as, the one where they’re practicing cooking in the apartment or the walk in the rain), the intensity, the emotion, the music. perhaps, a rewatch is necessary. do it and let me know.

SHREK 2

best shrek movie, is three words enough to convince you? shrek is a great franchise with great characters and it genuinely makes me belly laugh. i love donkey. i love puss in boots. a lot of these animated movies i realise, have a deeper meaning behind them. they all have something to say. i know shrek’s is: it’s okay to be different.

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY

monsters inc itself was a great movie but then they came out with monsters university and it beat it without hesitation. pure comedy, true jokes. it’s a movie i could watch again.

FANTASTIC MR FOX

does this count as an animation? i love this movie, it’s one of my favourites. the voices. the humour. the characters. the storyline is one of meaning and it flows perfectly. i’ve rewatched it a few times and i could never get tired of it. wes anderson remains as my favourite storyteller.

PRINCESS AND THE FROG

i watched this for the first time recently and i loved it. i couldn’t stop saying how much i loved it oh my god. my favourite disney princess movie. i loved all of the characters, the croc and the damn bug that almost made me cry. 10/10 humour. the songs. fate. romance. two frogs dancing in the moonlight made so much sense.

LUCA

lastly, this is a lovely movie. it makes my heart swell. italy is my dream destination and this movie is the perfect holiday, the perfect getaway. the storyline is nice, childish and there is so much blue. a perfect movie to rewatch this august!

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i’m here, there, everywhere. my dms are always open, hit me up with any ideas. have a really good august! until next time people, ahsia x

welcome back to my newsletter. it’s a friday morning as i write this and i’ve just made myself a strong cup of tea, how do you take your tea? i’m still feeling out of touch with my instagram, it used to be a community space where i could grow and share my work. however, it still remains as a space where i can share my loved moments through photographs and broken words. it’s nice to have a feed that is me, truthfully. it’s august in a few days, my soul is ready.

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things i want in my own house someday:

• book shelves: this one goes without saying but i’m someone who likes to read. i wish i read more. i keep most of my books, even the ones i don’t like. there are some that i have a physical, sentimental attachment to such as normal people, on earth we’re briefly gorgeous or call me by your name. in my future home, i can see several book shelves. they all look different— angles, colours, textures, i want them to be unique looking. i’d keep my special books separate from the rest, i don’t think i’d have a specific order or ranking. i like the floating book shelves as well as a simple, old, secondhand, wooden looking book case that takes up most of a wall. i’ve never had a home (a book shelf) for my books so i am looking forward to the book shelves.

• arches: i love arches. i recently visited a friend’s house and she had two arches in her living room, it was the first thing i noticed! i like the way it transforms a room so i’d love arches in a living room or kitchen, preferably downstairs or through a corridor.

• open spaces, clutter and things on the wall: i need space, your girl needs to move around and feel free. i want open spaces with not too much bulk or furniture, there has to be room to breathe. i don’t want small, claustrophobic rooms. however, clutter is different from big bulk. i want the magazines, books on coffee tables, movie posters on the wall, draped blankets and polaroids.

• painted walls of green: green is one of my top five colours, especially dark green— the colour of a forest, the colour of my converse, the colour of my colleague’s phone case. green can transform a house, it’s not a bright colour but it catches a person’s interest. i can see a painted wall of green anywhere, bedroom, kitchen, living room. i need colours in my future home. also, think about all the wooden furniture that would match with a green wall. you see it?

• lots of light and windows: along with open spaces, light is a necessity. lots of light uplifts a room, it’s a finishing touch. i want lots of windows you can open, wide enough to see out of them and bring in natural light.

• a library: come on, this is the ultimate dream. i’m desperate for a library— i think i’d get a lot more reading and writing done in one. personal libraries are a privilege and i don’t know if i’d want mine to highlight the dark academia aesthetic. sure, i can see it. as long as there’s an arch, book shelves that ride up to the ceiling, a ladder on wheels, a lounge chair where you can put your feet up, a comfortable rug, a place for my cat, a window where you can also sit and read and a coffee table. i think a record player would be a good addition.

• an easel: i wish i painted more. i just make excuses or don’t have the time to do it because i’m too busy finding something else to do. an easel would force me to confront the side of me that wants to create art that means something to me, to put paint on a page and see what happens. step by step. i’d love an easel to be able to channel my creativity on a bigger, physical scale. i’ve never painted on an easel.

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don’t forget to share what is going on in the world. say their names. donate. keep boycotting. see you next time, ahsia x

i have started rewatching modern family again. my sister practised henna on the back of my hand as i watched inside out for the first time. movies really are a coping mechanism, what helps you to escape? what does one do when july is so bleak and full of grey weather?

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sitcom characters that feel right:

i’m not someone that watches a lot of sitcoms. i have to admit, if i see something popular, i am most likely to give it a chance. i like to watch a sitcom alongside something more serious now. but here are a few favourite characters that have left my mark:

• chandler bing: we have to start with the legendary character chandler. he’s awkward, he’s silly, he’s sarcastic— we all love him for it. chandler, for me stands out more than the other characters because he’s more relatable. he has a deep humorous personality, he uses humour as a coping mechanism and in reality, he’s craving a life he never realised he could obtain someday. i can’t forget to mention his fashion sense, i know it deteriorated towards the end of the series but i’ll never forget the ties, tucked in button ups and flannels— he is one of my top five fashion inspirations.

• jake peralta: it took me way too long to sit down and watch brooklyn 99. but when i finally did, i didn’t want it to end. i completely, fully, undeniably understand the hype about jake peralta (andy samberg) now. are you kidding? he’s a total goof, a smart detective and a great husband. i really enjoyed watching jake’s character on the screen because he was so effortlessly funny, it was natural. so, do men like this exist?

• jim halpert: following on from my previous question: do men like this exist? i can answer this and say: they do not even remotely come close to someone like jim halpert. jim, oh jim. there are so many personality traits i can pinpoint (humour, kindness, emotional security, generosity and loving) and say here! look! i think jim was my first sitcom crush, he will always remain as that— nothing beats the scruffy hair, lazy tie look. a prankster but more importantly, a man who would do anything for the love of his life.

• michael scott: at the beginning, i didn’t like michael. he was controversial, frustrating and childish. somewhere, along the lines, you end up rooting for this strange, silly man and you’re saying: i wish he was my boss. character development right? you end up rooting for his future, for his story, for the girl of his dreams— we as an audience, know she’s the one for him. he’s crazily dorkish and funny, his dialogue is unmatched.

• captain holt: what a great character. holt took time to grow on me but eventually, he very quickly became the star of the show. his quick remarks, the monotone voice and the expressions— as well as winning the dedication and affection of his work family, he won ours too. it’s sad to think of the actor that died but he played an iconic character through and through.

• orla mccool: orla was immediately my favourite derry girl— she’s goofy, dumb and hilarious. really fucking funny (i mean they all are but orla’s comedy is more slapstick, dumb remarks).

• erin quinn: erin however, is the opposite of orla yet i love them both for different reasons. erin is strong minded, she enjoys writing and is interested in what society is doing. she’s just a teenage girl. i also love her accent, it’s so enjoyable hearing her dialogue.

• phil dunphy: phil is everyone’s dad. this guy is so funny, i can never stop laughing. i love the men of modern family. he’s a goof on the inside and the outside, he doesn’t realise how funny he can be because at the same time, he’s caring and protective. truly the best character of the show.

• mitchell pritchett: mitchell is me, i see so much of myself in this ginger, vincent van gogh look alike. another character that makes me laugh. he’s awkward and his personality is a mixture of things— truth is, mitchell is someone who’s dealing with past trauma and it’s nice to see him be so brave.

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bye for now, ahsia x

this might be my longest newsletter yet, it took me a while since i had a lot to say about these film scenes, you’ll see… how are you all? is your july just as windy and cloudy? i’m still waiting for my film from the lakes to be developed, i might rewatch a few comfort movies, my grandad from india is visiting soon— a lot is going on yet nothing at the same time, i’m feeling better.

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film dialogue that drives me INSANE:

LITTLE WOMEN: why? shall we run off and join a pirate ship?

i didn’t know the first emotionally charged scene i’d watch in the cinema would be little women. i didn’t know who greta gerwig was, i didn’t know who florence pugh was. i was there for timothée i have to admit and this scene proves why he’s my favourite actor. the utter desperation, the lost hope, the look of failure and not achieving the outcome you were seeking— we’ve all been there. on a hill, just two best friends who feel like their lives are better with each other in it. laurie is ready for something more. jo isn’t. laurie always imagined them together. jo did but as friends. should she have said yes? laurie can’t believe what he’s hearing. i’ve practically memorised the dialogue and i’m torn between loving laurie’s utter confusion and realisation as he says “let’s be happy together jo” and “i only love you jo” but also, jo as she says “i’m homely and i’m awkward” trying to look for an excuse. i really wanted jo and laurie to end up together but if they did, i wouldn’t have this scene.

NOTTING HILL: i’m just a girl.

this was one of the first romantic comedies i fell in love with. i realised from watching this, movies didn’t need to be overly romantic, cliche with cringe dialogue. notting hill is none of those things: there’s a chance encounter, a lonely travel bookshop, chosen families and a lot of gentleness. hugh grant’s politeness in this scene as he tries to reject anna and her urge to make things work is admirable. he’s trying to do the right thing for himself. anna’s stuttering as she declares herself is also admirable. the famous line. did you know hugh grant and julia roberts apparently, didn’t get on well together? then, we see will saying “with you, i’m in real danger” as he explains his inexperienced heart, a lot of people can relate i’m sure— not just men. he makes himself vulnerable throughout the entirety of this movie. the sneaky difference of ‘notting hill’ and ‘beverely hills’. anna accepts, she isn’t acting. she’s listening, she’s really attentive to will trying to save himself and the fact that she has to walk away. this scene is such a slow moving, gentle confession and a simple “i want you back.”

CALL ME BY YOUR NAME: i wanted you to know.

i love this scene, both in the movie and the book. a lot of the time, the movie never does the book justice. luca, the director miraculously nails it. “i thought you don’t smoke” elio, who likes to believe that he knows oliver better than he actually does. “i don’t.” elio’s impatience lingers throughout the beginning of this scene, smudged across the surface— he knows he needs to say something, he shows off his knowledge whilst walking in dirty, white converse. i wish i was that clever at seventeen. in a matter of days, they knew each other well and would go on to know each other better. oliver understood perfectly well what elio was saying, i’d need clarification. elio’s little chuckle, head down and oliver’s continuous gaze— he’s shocked, impressed a little? elio says what he needs to say in his own way. we can’t see elio’s face but he is holding eye contact, he’s daring. oliver treats him like a child being told off, “why are you telling me this?” but he isn’t angry, maybe frustrated. the repetition: “because i wanted you to know” is very clever of timothée, the different emphases on different words, the low and high voice pitches. it’s saying: this is how i feel, do with it what you will. the cigarettes finish at the same time the walk around the statue finishes and oliver says, “it means we can’t talk about those kind of things.” elio is regretful but holding his head high, none of them know how their love story is only just beginning.

OF AN AGE: don’t say that.

this isn’t a confession scene, this time. it’s something borderline traumatic, just kidding. it’s a “what we had changed my life” and “i’m still there”. the pity smile kol does at himself and then he says, “i’m such a loser.” it hits a great nerve. it’s a raw scene, taking place after a wedding— they haven’t seen each other in years. kol hasn’t moved on. in this scene, adam isn’t withdrawn or cold. in fact, they’re both very soft and warm in this scene— there’s an acceptance of how life turned out for both of them. this scene centralises on life freezing to this one feeling: yearning, an ‘almost’ love. however, there’s gratitude for the moments they shared. kol says, “what other boy in watsonia got to experience this feeling?” adam is full of shared tears, sniffles can be heard. it ends beautifully with flashbacks to earlier on in the movie— what they once had.

THE BEFORE SERIES: are you crazy?

the before series is one of the most remarkable things to exist. one of my favourite pieces of cinema. celine and jesse are the ultimate love story. the romeo and juliet that should be famous. i can’t pinpoint a single scene, it’s impossible to choose just one. but i’ll choose the telephone scene for now, from before sunrise. it captured what happens when banter with a person comes so naturally. “are you crazy?” jesse asks, he’s playful. celine says, “probably” and she means it, she’s serious. they’re two passing travelers and throughout the trilogy, fate keeps bringing them back together— or perhaps something else, maybe we give fate too much credit. i like ethan hawke’s eyes in this scene, the way they pair with the hums. the honesty between the strangers in the first movie, it looks so darn easy.

PAST LIVES: you never told me that.

i watched past lives for the second time in a cinema and i loved it more. the particular scene i have chosen happens in a marital bed, a natural conversation. it’s almost pitch black, you can hear the bustling city. “you never told me that” the main, female character tells her husband. i think a lot of people love this scene because it shows honesty— the kind of honesty that makes a marriage work, admitting fears and admitting: maybe i don’t know you as well as i would like to. “you dream in a language i can’t understand” is a beautiful line, no wonder greta lee cried reading the script.

FLEABAG: where did you just go?

we all know by now that fleabag is my favourite show. there’s no hiding the fact. it was hard to choose just one scene but the one i have chosen captures not just fleabag or the priest but also us— the audience. there’s shared looks occurring, obviously a mutual attraction is shaking out of control. they both know that. maybe this isn’t a confession scene, their feelings already seem so obvious. the topic of religion is so touchy but exciting, it feels almost forbidden. the priest says, “i like that you believe in a meaningless existence” a playful character. we see the common humour that comes with the show, the one we’re used to. andrew scott’s ability to fall into a role is crazy good, he makes it look so easy. i forget that he’s an actor, i see the priest for what he is. there’s serious little moments happening but the mood is light. the priest confesses and from the way fleabag stares at him, we know she already knew— she’s clever. the priest surprises us all by saying, “we’re not going to have sex” and fleabag takes one swift, nervous gaze at us. “i’d really like to be your friend though.“ the priest, i believe is the only person who ever saw through fleabag.

HIDDEN FIGURES: i work like a dog.

it’s sad to say that this piece of powerful dialogue became a tiktok sound used for the silly reasons. katherine is angry, she’s being questioned and when she finally speaks up about what is going on for her, everyone’s faces are stunned. she’s having to explain herself to a room full of white people who could never understand— how difficult does that sound? it’s such a good speech, it made me cry because the performance of it swept me away. this is how you deliver a role of someone’s true story.

COLUMBUS: your mother, did she do meth?

i’ve watched columbus twice in a short amount of time. this particular scene happens in front of a lit up building, the two characters go from sitting in a car to leaning against it as they smoke. jin calls casey “cassandra” which is a name she doesn’t go by, he feels confident enough to try anyway. casey is deflecting the situation or perhaps she is struggling to make sense of the memories in her head: “your mother, did she do meth?” she’s laughing, jin is confused. the age gap seems obvious but most people use humour as a coping mechanism. “so did she?” jin tries again and casey smiles, “did she what?” somehow, she has got the upper hand. things are slowed down, they’re taking their time smoking— no quick, snappy drags. casey stares at the building that means a lot to her and jin keeps his eyes on her, intrigue on his brows. the conversation flows perfectly, almost like a stream— meth, casey’s mother, architecture, jin’s father. “i just think i should stay here” casey declares, jin doesn’t seem to agree yet the atmosphere is so quiet. another quiet scene in a quiet movie.

THE BOYS IN THE BAND: it’s for you hank!

this is a telephone game gone wrong. larry angrily dials the phone, everyone is watching and everyone is bickering. a funny group of friends with history. “it’s for you hank!” larry shouts from across the room, there is impatience, frustration in his voice and hank? he appears to be the opposite. he is reserved, tired and not feeling great about the entirety of the situation. a friend counts larry’s points in the background but is it still just a game? it’s only tears and heartbreak so far. larry says i love you without looking, not a confession but a reminder, a way of admitting his feelings for hank to himself. there’s hastiness in a scene that is meant to be sweet but there is no denying the anger. hank says, “i’ll try” suddenly looking positive, no longer gloomy at a birthday party in new york. larry is surprised, he takes his time to reply— surprising for someone who has a sharp tongue. “i will too” he hastily says, it’s a mutual agreement and they want to make their relationship work. it ends with a great line, “larry is the winner” sure it was a silly telephone game, it did do some good at the end right?

MANCHESTER BY THE SEA: my heart was broken.

i wish i could watch this movie again for the first time, i don’t remember it as well so i might rewatch soon. this particular scene is an encounter a lot of the audience were waiting for, two people who used to be so close and went through a lot together. “could we um, talk for a second?” randi asks, she knows the conversation they need to have. “you mean us? you and me” lee questions, he’s surprised— he’s not much of a talker, many things are being talked about at the same time. they’re catching up but it’s in a haste, they both know the same people— randi was practically part of lee’s family. michelle williams does a great job of acting, she says “my heart was broken” and her face embodies what it is to cry, to feel broken. “and i know yours is broken too.” i feel maybe, randi needed the conversation but lee needed it more. randi seems as if she had been waiting to say these words to lee for years but never had the chance to, lee didn’t expect it. she’s saying things, he’s disagreeing and yet? there is love there. it may not be relevant to their present status but there is still love. i love how lee goes from saying, “you don’t understand” speaking in a hurry before realising who he is speaking to (randi) and changing his words to, “i know you understand.”

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bye for now, ahsia x