I struggle with the change. I resist it. I hold onto the past and the future. I do anything and everything in my power to not accept it. I acknowledge it. I don’t accept it. I accept it now. I’m a changed person. I don’t want to live with the same 24 yo Aditi’s mantras because they are not working for me now. I’m struggling with maintaining the same identity.

What identity, Aditi? You may ask. I’m no longer a “nonchalant, I don’t give a shit what you say or think of me” person. I want you to think highly of me because I think highly of myself. I want you to believe that I did the best I could do when I was young. I want you to see me as a smart but also emotional person. I want a lot of things. I’m ready to accept that I have emotional wants and I’m not ready to compromise.

Do you hate people? Some people? One person? Anyone?

I have hated very few people in my life. I believe indifference is the better punishment than having strong feelings towards someone who doesn’t deserve that much space in your head. Hate takes a lot of space in your head.

I got over my hate in a few years and I don’t hate anyone anymore. I try my absolute best to keep that list as short as possible.

I found a way to get over that hate. I just wrote letters to them. Long hate letters. Calling them anything and everything. Accusing them of things they did but also of the things I felt. My emotions and reactions were no longer my responsibility. It was their deed. I felt free. I kept them in my email drafts for the longest and then one day, I deleted all of them. I hold no more hate for any of them. I met all of them last year and had the most chill conversations. Remembering only good times. No residue of hate. Indifference before meeting them. A gooey feeling after meeting them. We are all good.

It’s a long process though. Sometimes, you can hate one person again and again, but how many times can you write that letter?

Someone close to me asks me often, “how many times will you start from scratch?” when it comes to driving. I ask that question to myself about many things now. One of them is writing the hate letter.

I haven’t written any hate letters for more than three years or so.

Can you have control over your feelings?

Another quick detour before I tell you why we are talking about hate letters at 2am.

I used to write quite a lot. I had google docs for every happy and sad issue I had in my life. I didn’t know where else I could take all those feelings. I had written all the negative feelings I had ever had. All the sad instances that I couldn’t share with friends or family. Every bit of it.

But then I stopped. I stopped writing negative feelings, experiences and instances. Why? Because when I was writing all the sadness, I was also writing all the happiness too. It kept me in check. I had things I could go through to remember my happy times.

Because now I have someone who gets to hear every small bit of every experience I live. But negativity is more contagious than positivity. And remember, I am a positive person. I can’t be spreading negativity.

Does it mean that I don’t talk about negative stuff? NO. It means I don’t talk about it enough. It means my brain makes a file of it and it never gets erased or grows old. It’s just almost always open.

I actively try not to write negative stuff. Because it becomes more real if it’s possible. I have stronger memories of the negative stuff than the happy ones. If I do, I will actively try to add a happy entry. Only because I want my past to be full of happy stories.

Oh, you can watch all those videos & images of the happy times, but I’m a reader. I choose books over movies.

Back to the original question, why are we talking about hate letters right now? Because I felt the need to write one today.

I haven’t written that letter yet though. I believe I can get over this ocean of feelings.

I like talking about emotions. I believe emotions are humans’ superpowers. But they are not your friends.

Turns out you can’t just sleep them off or cry them off or say fuck many times and move on. Turns out you will always have to look them in the eyes and fight them.

I wonder what else you can’t just let be. Because bro, eww. Like I couldn’t sleep because of some stupid emotions.

Have expectations and a lot of them <3

I want my life to be a certain way and sadly, I can’t expect people to read my mind. I also can’t expect people to act or react the way I act or react.

But fortunately, I can tell them how I want my life to be. I can explain it in detail. I can ask for things and favors. I can expect them to do it for me. Because I’d do it for them. That’s enough, by the way. I always thought expectations shouldn’t be based on what you can or can’t do. But that’s so wrong. Maybe on the surface level, the ask can be different but on the deeper level, the goal is the same as yours. Which is correct.

If only we had a class on learning emotions, I wouldn’t have been writing this. I even considered ordering some books to learn emotions more deeply.

What kind of a parent do you want to be?

One blog every 6 months having some random updates is not how I want to keep going. I believe wholeheartedly that I am here to do something different. To live differently. To observe differently. To show differently. To be seen differently. To achieve differently.

When I was younger, my parents repeatedly asked me to make my own decision. I always admired that about my parents’ parenting style. It was different. I had freedom to choose the life I wanted to live. I was confident and even overconfident at times. I loved how I was treated almost as an adult. I saw kids around me pressured by their parents to live a certain way. Not me. I was a bird. I never realised I was.

Until now. I wonder if my parents hadn’t given me the chance to make the choice that early, what would I have become. Worse than today? Better than today? No idea. Definitely different than today.

I wonder what I’d choose when it’s my turn to be a parent.

With that one particular parenting style came the huge burden of making the right decision and accepting that there is no one else to blame for your failures.

I’m grateful that my parents taught me to think of life as a journey. That made me understand how helping and supporting others who come your way makes life more fulfilling and exciting. It instilled the behaviour of treating everyone as comrades. You see the world with the view of abundance. More than enough opportunities for everyone. More than enough space for everyone. Life is not a zero sum game.

I was talking to a friend and he was reading “the courage to be disliked” at the time and that’s when he mentioned how he has seen me treating people as my comrades.

I had forgotten that this concept existed because my learning from the book was surrounded by a different topic. My takeaway was around horizontal and vertical relationships. Such a cool way to have control over how you feel about others.

“Don’t remove the ladder once you’re done climbing it. Leave it there for others to climb too.” - this is one of my favourite quotes, reminded by the same friend.

This makes me wonder about the kind of mindset people carry who remove the ladder.

Being competitive is good. My paa is competitive but he is in competition with himself. He looks at his old pics and wishes to gain weight again because he misses being a little fuller. A competition to himself.

I want to learn, help!!!

I have been in a love-hate relationship with money. I understand very little of it. My takes are different from my family. My dreams are different from my friends. My goals are different from all the women in my family. They are different but also the same. I don’t understand how to think of it. It plays an important role. It plays a different role in a woman’s life. The gender roles, patriarchy, economic differences, responsibilities of being a woman, wife and mother, all of it become a factor. I want to learn. I want to learn from someone who has lived all of it. I want to learn from someone who is like me. But who am I?

I want to understand the kind of money person I am. I don’t want to cage myself there. But I want to understand for sure. I don’t want to read more about how important but random people in the world think about money but rather how women think about it.

I’m ready to sleep and there’s one thought I want to leave you with: Love is selfish. Not selfless. What do you think?

There is a store opposite the Burger King at Kashmere Gate metro station. I buy masks from there every year. Delhi gets polluted every year and I forget to carry a mask at least once.

Two days ago, I tried finding that general store. I couldn’t. It doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t remember the last time I saw that store, only that it existed for years.

It hit me again that you can never know when you are going to experience a thing for the last time. I didn’t realise when my last summer or winter vacation happened. I didn’t realise when I was meeting a friend for the last time.

We rarely realise it. I had a pact with myself for years that I won’t go to sleep angry with my family and friends. I realised years ago how it feels to talk to someone without knowing it’s the last time. Mostly because of that fear. I was scared like that.

I think this is a bitter truth about adulting. I love being an adult. I still hate some parts of it.

So blind with routine, needed a moment

A guy with a suitcase but no earphones, no mobile in his hand, no one to talk to, stood at Rajiv Chowk metro station, doing nothing. I passed by him. I took a moment to look at him and then looked at myself. I had earphones in my ears, a book in my hand, and hundreds of thoughts asking for attention while I was focused on the book and the next metro to home.

The constant urge to make all my “waste” commute time productive has made my mind more chaotic than ever. It has pros. I read a lot, I can justify taking a job 1 hour away from my home, I don’t get disturbed by what’s happening around me. The con is my brain never gets the time to just look around. I have to make time for it now. I schedule 10–15 minutes to do nothing. Just looking far.

But consistency is the key. Discipline unlocks doors that you never knew existed. Right?

I wonder how even normal things have started becoming part of my to-do, how I’m so involved in “getting there,” “reaching higher,” “doing more,” that I forget that life is about making different memories, not about living it the same way every day.

With all this, I also have to remind myself what I stand for, what I don’t want my life to be, why I can do it if I put my mind to it. Yes, adulting is good. I just hate it sometimes.

No BUTs…

Recently, I was chatting with an ambitious older woman, and she said, “Life is difficult for ambitious people and extra difficult for ambitious women,” and I have been thinking about it ever since. I feel like such an imposter writing this. I’m asking myself only one question: “Am I even ambitious?” And another thought sneaks in: “Does it even apply to you?”
I’ll take my 2 minutes to reassure myself that I’m ambitious because even if I am not, I want to be ambitious.

As far back as I remember, I’ve been chasing the idea of a career. I remember using the word “career” as early as 8 years old. I had no idea what it meant back then. I have no idea what it means now.

Over the years, I realised my idea of a career doesn’t align with the official meaning.

Anyway, hi everyone. It’s THAT time of the year, guysss. I’m BACK!!!

Like always, I sat many times to write something, to send a small update maybe, to share what I read this week, you get it, right? I ended up writing one line or three words.

Life is nice. I shouldn’t complain. Usually, when someone says “they shouldn’t complain,” I expect a BUT coming. No buts here.

All we know is what will be our home

Not all dreams come true. I’m still accepting this fact every day. I sat and thought about the life I once thought I’d live. It didn’t happen. That’s the truth.

You know those (choose one finger, left or right) small hacks that we use to choose one out of different options? I choose the left option because I feel like it’s the “less-travelled road,” so why not experiment a little more?

It comes from the fact that I am not living the life I once thought I’d live. This life is not bad. It’s different. I’m a different person in this life.

Living a life needs daily effort, but I’m only human… and I bleed when I fall down… I’m only human 🎶

Anyway, back to what I was saying, I get tired. Tired of what exactly? I will write more about it in 2026.

What kind of person do you want to be?

I have started saying “fuck” more than before. I gotta do something about it. I don’t want to be this person.

Every six months, I write about how difficult it is to write this newsletter. It’s not. I have a lot to write and share, but I have this constant thought about whether I want to share anything with anyone.

How do you make sure you are improving every day?

You cannot. You can just make sure you are doing something every day, and it will get exhausting if you don’t give yourself a break and space to make mistakes often. I come across people who don’t allow you to make mistakes. You should make mistakes often regardless.

If once in a while, you are not waking up with this song in your head:
If I was you, I’d wanna be me too… I’d wanna be me too… I’d wanna be me too…

Then it’s a tough life you are living.

So, let’s start with what’s up with my life.

<September Update>

I am still listening to songs and have been loving Spotify. I still listen to my same old songs when I come to write this newsletter. My heart goes aww whenever I think about how life changes, but some parts don’t change and keep reminding you how you can co-exist with your previous version.

I have been sleeping more on weekends. My water intake is good. I use sunscreen, so my skin is almost saved from the sun. On the other hand, my allergies affect my daily routine on so many days that I have taken leaves, breaks, and whatnot, but nothing is working in my favour.

But we are positive folks. We don’t stop. We pop one more Montair-LC and get back to work. Jokes apart, I’m kinda done with the allergies, hence I have decided I’ll go to an ENT and get proper treatment.

I don’t move on in a day or two. But when I know I need to move on, I move on faster. Now I wanna move on from this allergy. Fuck you, allergies.

I have started using “fuck” more than before.

October Update: I visited the ENT. I am doing better already!

……

That boutique lady was blessed with a baby girl.

My brother is a dad now. I acted like his elder sister for too long, but now he has a baby. He is officially old, and I have accepted him as an elder brother.

I became a bua. This is the first time I am getting the chance to see my parents around a baby. It’s full of emotions. I am lucky that I get to be a part of this wholesome experience.

I’ve been trying to do it right..

How do you navigate a difficult situation? Do you all have some kind of process that helps?

I found myself stuck in many situations that I didn’t know I’d get into. I didn’t know how to act or react. I didn’t know what’s right and what’s right for me. I didn’t understand if it was my fault or a collective fault. I didn’t understand what went wrong.

It taught me that you can’t put structure to your emotions. It’s okay to be a mess sometimes.

Merry Christmas

Guysss, get drunk and dance with your favourite people. And love is beautiful, fall in love, be in love.

You wouldn’t believe it if you saw what I was supposed to write 2 months, or 4 months, or 6 months ago. But I’m glad I shared what felt closer to me right now.

Drop one memory that made you happy this year in my DM!! I’m active on X & Instagram.

Disclaimer:

I tried writing this one particular blog twice in four months. So, here is what I wanted to share.

11th Jan

I fight with myself more than anyone.

Fighting to act and not react. Fighting to feel things. Fighting to be myself. Fighting to be vulnerable. Fighting to be okay with unknowns. Fighting the urge to fight.

What about you?

Daydreams

My heart belongs to music. Like, it really does. 

I have been thinking about writing something. If not my usual anecdotes, then maybe just a little something I observed here and there. However, life has been keeping me busy. I am not complaining. I am enjoying it on most days. It’s different but good different.

So here are a few things that made me take a moment before I went back to my life. 

I saw this girl on the metro. The metro was jammed, but there was something about her that made me look twice. She was standing there, one leg moving to some beats and her eyes were damp; she was looking away somewhere, lost in her world. I wanted to know if she needed help. But how do you ask a stranger if they need help or are okay? I don’t know how. I simply asked her if she was okay. She removed one earphone and told me she was okay. That’s when it hit me, how music is essential for this world. 

You know, when Elon Musk said we need more inventors in this world than artists, I kinda agreed with him. But artists are inventors too. We need more inventors who can make this thing we call life a beautiful train journey. We need art, music, dance, books, poetry, and anything that consumes you but leaves you with a feeling. Just a feeling.

Music is a huge part of my life. But last year, damn yes, it’s been almost a year, I lost my Airpods and as someone who only wants to use “Apple” products, I didn’t buy an alternative, and buying Airpods wasn’t on my list. Hence, I spent barely 2,000 minutes listening to music.

I want to change it this year. So when I listened to music a few days ago, I knew where my positivity comes from. It’s not that music makes me positive, but it’s the music that makes me more empathetic and makes me realise that life is larger than me and my problems. 

By the way, I got new Apple earphones. It has improved my life so much that I can’t express it. 

Did you miss me?

Hi everyone, I haven’t written anything for a while.

I have been busy. I have been away. I am making memories, watching sunsets and pretty moon, going on drives, working, drinking a little less water, enjoying cold winds on my face and sometimes, doing absolutely nothing but sleeping with doubts, confusion and sad thoughts. That’s what life is, right? That’s what it should be. A little of everything. 

Anyway, I have a few questions for you. 

• Are you all expressive?

• How much time do you take to process things?

The last quarter of 2024 didn’t disappoint. It was, as always, not what I expected. By the way, the woman who handles the boutique (the peaceful one) is pregnant. I’m not sure why I’m updating this here, but these little things made 2024 more wholesome.

I don’t know what I am doing. And I’m not anxious about it, for the first time.

24th Apr

I have been putting people, things into different kinds of boxes. I like to link old scenarios with new ones. I like to think I learn more like this. I like to believe that this is how I understand patterns. I like to think that this is how I have improved my life.

“Oh, I did that” → “this happened” → “that’s how it affected” → “that’s how I felt” 

Objective: I don’t want to feel the same. Hence, I can’t do the same thing again. 

The problem with this logic is that “that” changes every time. People are different. Situations are different. I’m different now. I have more information about this world, about myself, about things around. I’m more informed than I was a few months ago.

That’s why every once in a while, I have to sit and stop this loop in my head. I have to stop putting myself in others’ situations. I have to start thinking like present Aditi. I have to start living in the present again. 

And bro, it’s exhausting. I’m not even sure if I’m making sense. But here I am writing this to my 400 subscribers who decided (or were forced) to read this newsletter. 

I didn’t die like all you can see. I also didn’t become a YouTuber. I do love my ambitious self because that version of Aditi has huge dreams. This life is too short for that.

Do you think I can pull off being a singer? FYI, I’m real-life Jiyan and the only song I can try to sing is  “Helplessly,” and I haven’t tried singing it in years, by the way. 

I watched Kesari 2 recently and I thought, again, “damn, i do wanna do something for my country”, so well, yeah. Life is good. 

There’s so many ways this could go wrong…

Now it’s time for the news. For the first time in my life, I did something so out of character and it’s also kinda huge for me, but also very exciting and a happening experience. 

What I want to share with you all is that I made a playlist on Spotify. YES! I have a playlist now. My first ever playlist, that too on Spotify. How Spotify? I took a few flights with Indigo and they gave me free 3 months of Spotify and I’m so happy. And because I like Spotify’s suggestions and have been listening to new songs so recently, I thought I should do something new and make a playlist for myself. I’m not gonna lie, I’m very happy with how it turned out. It has 9 songs right now. 

I did so many things in January that all my March and April plans are just not working out. But we stand up again and make plans again. 

May may be with me and you all. 

Like always, my DMs are open. Share random stuff that you enjoyed doing. Are you drinking enough water? Are you sleeping well?

I’ll see you soon this time, hopefully!

Weirdly good feeling

This one time during a hectic day I got to live 5 minutes of peaceful moments. It was a normal Tuesday. I was having a hectic and long day. I had a meeting at 7 pm, and I found out it was today. I also needed to pick up some of my mom’s stuff from the boutique, and the boutique gets closed by 7:30 pm. It was 6:40 pm, and I had 20 minutes to get the errand done.

I almost jogged to the place, but the moment I entered the boutique, time slowed down. She took her time. She packed everything. She placed a thank-you card in the bag. Gave me some instructions. I could have asked her to hurry up, but I did not. It felt nice, like something I needed that day. I didn’t automatically slow down or anything. I jogged to home again and attended my meeting.

The boutique has a peaceful energy to it. Life is slow in that place. The owner is in her late 20s. It feels like she has no place to be. She lives in the present. At least that’s how I feel. She doesn’t hurry. She asks questions. She gives proper answers. Recently, we found out that she is also married. That came as a shock because we have never seen her busy on her mobile or multi-tasking or anything. She takes breaks. 

Last week, for the first time, she finally talked about being married and why she opens her boutique a little late on Sundays. The conversation was again not fast-paced. She laughed. She was writing something. Then, she stopped doing everything and talked to us.

I happily go to this place and sit and listen to her and see people in her boutique doing their own thing while waiting for her to tell us the next updates. Just a little peaceful place.

Another example of a similar place is my parents’ room. It’s again not a fast-paced place. It’s like I can chill there without having the constant pressure of doing something productive. I read in their room so much because it just gives me the space and energy to do it.

What about you? Do you have a place that you consider a peaceful place?

I love books

Hello everyone, How are you doing?

I am doing good. For the first time in my life, I am re-reading a book. The best part is I am enjoying it. I am reading it a bit slowly this time. To be honest, I also don’t remember most of the things mentioned in the book. I just remember the feeling I felt after I was done.

I have been actively reading for the last few months, which has made me have a lot of thoughts and opinions and whatnot. I want to talk about my books. I want to share what I learned. I want to thank the writers and the people who introduced me to those books. I want to do a lot. But it’s all in my head currently.

And that’s one of the reasons why I am considering opening a YouTube channel. Just to document my thoughts and books. I also feel I should not. Because then what will happen to this newsletter? 

A few current affairs made me realize everything we do is a choice. Loneliness, tiredness, hustle, happiness, taking care of yourself—everything is a choice. So, I am choosing to be a writer and a video person (not a creator because all I will do is document my books, nothing else) at the same time. 

Long drive

A friend replied to “How have you been” with “Life has been kind,” and it made me think so deeply about his life and then mine. It was a recap of 26 years. Yes, I turned 26 this year; we will get back to it, but let me tell you the conclusion of the deep thinking.

The recap was one hell of a good long drive. 

A drive that started with huge dreams of going in one direction, and by the end of the drive (26 years), I realized I had taken various directions but regretted none. The drive was full of beautiful moments. Some difficult roads made me regret the whole drive and sometimes a few parts of it. Some unexpected turns made me lose sight of the road ahead. Some sudden turn showed me a whole new direction I could take. Some roads had gol-gappe stalls on them. Some made sure I felt the most satisfied. Sometimes my map stopped working, but hey, not to worry when your family is nothing less than a Google map. Sometimes I hated the music that was playing, and my friends showed me how easily I could change it. Silly me. Some days, my car was on autopilot, and some days, even though I was driving, I was doing a very bad job.

The drive was nothing that I expected it to be. It was more than that. It was fulfilling. It made me a fan of drives.

I mentioned how much I have started hating my birthday. Three birthdays later, I feel okay again. I had a nice 26th birthday. I spent time with my family and friends. I worked. I got dressed up. I ate mix veg. I cooked. I didn’t disappoint myself. I didn’t feel like crying. I didn’t feel burdened by my age. Also, I got a lot of gifts. Like a lot.

Right choice!

There are no suggestions here for any of you. Just maybe a hint of making the right choice. Sometimes, it won’t be a good choice for you, but as long as it’s the right choice, you’ll come out of it fine. I promise. Experiment with the choices when there is no right or wrong, but when there is right or wrong, go with the right. 

In a recent conversation with my paa, we discussed how important it is to feel things. You can feel annoyed at someone without acting on the annoyance. You can get angry. You can feel ignored. You can feel a lot of negative and positive emotions. You must feel a lot of negative and positive emotions. But you don’t have to act on each one of them. You can feel them and move on.

But then how should you decide which emotion or feeling you should act on, not react on?

Ask yourself. You know what’s right, and again, just make the right choice. Not the good one. But the right one. 

Only four months left of this year, so much to do, so much to sort, and so much to plan—we will do all of it! Happy Weekend, y’all.

Tell me what are your plans for the next four months?

By the way, what’s your favorite ice cream? I have been enjoying coffee walnut a little too much nowadays.

A lot — gave first-ever forehead kiss to Mojo (this cute Golden Retriever)!

What changed? – A question that I have been asking myself at every given chance.

A one-word answer would be—a lot. A lot has changed. For me. For you. For us.

For instance:

Keeping what I liked to myself because of how I’d explain my liking to the world to talking my heart out.

“I like badminton and not the gym,” to my paa.

“I don’t like how it makes me feel” to my friends.

And understanding that not everything has a reason, even if it has, I can choose to ignore the question and just enjoy the present.

The “WHY” is essential to living a healthy, intelligent, and emotionally fulfilled life. Still, go and choose to avoid talking about why and start talking about what and how more.

At the end of the day, we connect the dots backward and not forward.

 Using the prefix “I love” more than ever.

“I love talking my heart out.”

“I love this colour.”

“I love how you talk to me.”

“I love this dish.”

“I love how food makes me happy.”

“I love your reasons for taking that decision.”

“I love seeing you grow.”

“I love seeing people smile.”

“I love how my family treats everyone well.”

“I love how my friends are the sweetest people I know.”

“I love love.”

“I love Delhi.”

“I love how I can share what I feel with strangers on the internet!”

But most importantly, I love how I can finally say “I love you” to my favourite people.

Not wanting to hug anyone to miss hugging my favourite people.

I can’t believe I have become the kind of person who would miss hugs. This is a huge win. They didn’t lie when they said: 

“Hugs can heal and talk much more than you anticipate.”

I have written down my feelings. I have talked about them. I have thought about them. I have sent long WhatsApp messages. I have sent 5 minutes of voice notes to friends. I have had a 2-hour-long walk conversation with my bhabhi. I have done all of it.

Nothing came close to hugging your favourite people. It’s the best assurance. An assurance that they are here. That you will be fine. That you love them. That they love you. That nothing would replace the feeling of this hug. That may be 1 minute longer, and you might actually get to sleep after all the stress of the last month. That you’ll see beautiful dreams today. 

Hugs can make you feel loved.

I am learning slowly, but I am learning.

One of my dearest friends hugs everyone she meets. I always admired this trait of hers. How open she is to everyone. How she accepts everyone with an open heart. Her hugs don’t differentiate between the people. That feels so pure. She might even not meet the same person again, but she’d hug them. Leave them with a few moments of utmost love.

I like to believe that she hugs her favourite people a little longer and a little tighter.

What else changed? A lot. 

Seeing myself in the mirror and not hating it.

It has almost nothing to do with how I look now. It has everything to do with how I see myself now. A little lost with all the dark circles under my eyes, but also a little found with the smile that covers up 40% of my face.

Learning to love yourself is one of the most difficult tasks that you can add to your to-do list. It just never goes off the list. Some days, especially when you are PMSing, you’ll hate every inch of yourself. You’ll hate how you feel. You’ll hate how you look. You’ll hate everything about your existence.

But even during that chaos, look into the mirror and just smile a little. Either you’ll end up having a breakdown or giving yourself a pep talk.

I used to miss doing the latter. The hands are on the sink. That stare in the mirror. Thousands of thoughts cross your head in seconds. The moments before the “why even” conversation. And a little smile at the end of the pep talk. You missed talking out loud to yourself. You miss listening to your thoughts, which are not self-hatred but are like a hug to assure you.

The way you might end up saying, “Okay, it’s just my hormones. I freaking love myself,” and understanding that you will conquer this world again in two days. 

Yep, we need two days to be a part of this chaotic but beautiful world again.

I sometimes end up saying, “I miss talking to you,” while looking at myself in the mirror. Do you do the same? I can’t be the only one.

Not taking the chances that can make me feel uneasy, dumb, or plain embarrassed.

Doing a lot in a short period while not doing anything new could be the reason behind it. 

I hate my birthday now. Like really hate it. I feel I don’t have the same liberty as before to make mistakes. I feel my decisions are going to stick for longer than I expected. I feel life can go wrong pretty quickly. I want to be able to make smart decisions. I want to go easy on myself.

I like to believe that hitting a certain age makes you more humble than you expected.

And that’s why, over the last two years, I have become a little less adventurous and a little more cautious. I don’t want to confuse you all, but I kind of love that I am cautious. I just hate that I hate my birthday. 

However, I am making more informed but adventurous decisions. Both in personal and professional life. I am letting people believe in me. I have accepted some parts of life as they are. I have learned to believe in others’ beliefs.

I have started saying “I want to see where this takes me” more than ever, and that’s what has changed.

What have you started that has changed your life?

It’s so hot in Delhi! Are you travelling somewhere this season?

Give me updates and share pictures. Reply to the mail — love seeing people enjoying their life!

When you say you are sad, what exactly do you feel?

I wonder how a particular emotion could trigger so many other emotions, and the OG emotion might get hidden in all the scattered emotions. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why we feel the OG emotion again, a few days later and sometimes a few hours later.

This blog isn’t about that, though. 

Moon of February.

Hey, everyone! How is your 2024 going? I have been thinking of new, more intentional ways to answer questions like “How are you?” and “How is 2024 going?” Maybe, next time a friend asks me how I am, I’ll reply with how that particular person made me feel.

I feel happy. I feel respected. I feel loved. I feel extra. I feel unwanted. I feel uninvited. I feel fun. I feel lost. I feel disappointed. I feel disrespected. I feel good. I feel...

Maybe, next time someone asks me how my year is going, I’ll share the top three bad and three good highlights so far.

Maybe, the next time I ask someone these questions, they will ask me in return, wait, and listen to my answers, and not move on to another person. Maybe.

Okay, this is becoming sadder as I write. Let’s be a bit real. I came to write something sad but decided against it because I was feeling too much. When this goes live and the few who read it see it, I don’t want to make you, the good people, sad.

However, I promised myself that I wouldn’t lie here. So, here it goes.

Real time?

Not really. I have never felt the pain of losing someone in real time. Not really.

It always happened over time. Was the pain lesser than the real-time pain? I am not sure. One thing I know is the pain of losing someone over time is a stretched pain, a pain that you feel every day in your back. Yes, a backache. It’s there. You have learned to live with it. Most days, it’s just your comfortable lie that helps you sit out some events or parties; on other days, it’s really bad and makes you sad. Makes you feel uncomfortable.

You want to get rid of it, but a doctor can’t heal it. You take a painkiller and go to sleep. And that’s how you survive with the back pain.

I can hear myself suggesting, “Have you tried working out for that back pain?”

Have you? Does it help?

A pain in real-time feels more like a toothache. It’s discomforting. It’s unexpected. You don’t know the next steps. All you know is that it’s there, and it’s not going to go away until you take action, get the cavity filled, or get your tooth removed.

Some days, there will be sensitivity, and some days, a fear that the pain will come back, so you make sure to visit the dentist as much as you can. And then, eventually, it’ll turn into the backache.

And we all will be in the same boat.

Even when I had the chance to feel the real-time pain, I made sure it became the stretched pain before I thought about it. Some of us do. This is what's called being in denial. It’s easier. It does ruin some relationships, but it’s easier.

Where do you sleep most peacefully?

I sleep most peacefully during flights. I am stuck in a stressed-anxious cycle, and only during the flight, my brain shuts down, and I go to sleep with no connection to anyone on the ground. I sleep. I forget about the world. I forget about happiness, sadness, pain, or joy. Nothing is there. It’s just me and my sleep.

What about you?

Legacy

Recently, a conversation with my brother made me wonder what I want my legacy to be. I thought about it. A lot.

“Learn from others' mistakes” – You can’t do everything you want. So, learn and move on to the next thing.

“Choose what you want to experience” – Not every pain or happiness is yours.

“Don’t regret things that you didn’t do” – Regret does no good. You’ll still regret it, but at least, try not to.

“Take time to decide things” – Some things do change the trajectory of your life. So, take time.

“Life is not short” – But it passes very soon. Hold on to good memories, people, and moments.

“You have time” – It’s okay to fail. You’ll be okay.

“Don’t race with others, but yourself” – I have anemia, so this worked best for me. Improve yourself, and you’ll always have someone to race against.

“Love people with your whole heart” – It’s important. Loving without expectations.

“Write hate letters but don’t send them” – Burn them, I mean, delete them. Once you write, you have put out the hate, now you are left with the emptiness, and that’s enough to live a normal life.

“Express love” – Actions speak louder than words.

“Find your people and stick to them” – Be vulnerable with them.

“Don’t be scared” – Take the leap.

“Nights are usually lonely, go to sleep on time” – My paa has been saying this forever.

“Don’t use people as a crying shoulder” – People should feel loved, not used.

“Love yourself” – When you love yourself, you love others with an open heart.

“End things on a good note” – Get remembered by “it wasn’t all bad”.

“Kindness isn’t cheap, and definitely not free” – Share your time with people and help them to be kind.

“Respect is more important than love” – At least for some, choose if you are one of them or not!

So, maybe any of these lessons is what I want my legacy to be. Or maybe, all of them.

Have you thought about it? What do you want your legacy to be?

So, on this note, tell me in DMs (or comments) the following:

• How are you?

• Where do you sleep most peacefully?

• What do you want your legacy to be?

Take a break, you all! Have an awesome 2024 and keep me updated with what’s going on in your lives.

This is a happy picture. Zoom in, and it’s no longer a happy picture. That’s how my last four months of 2023 were. A little sad, and then a little happy.

I think I am repeating myself, but…

The kind of effect music can have on someone is mind-blowing. Reels are the proof. You see one video of poor people living their lives with a happy song; it becomes “at least they are happy with what they have,” and you see it with sad music; it becomes “money is so important, at least we are sad with a roof on our heads"—the music of the song makes all the difference, not the reality.

Hiatus?

By the way, Happy New Year to everyone! I was on an unannounced hiatus from writing altogether. Everything I wrote during the last four months was related to my work and something I couldn’t postpone. I had no motivation to write or to share what I was seeing around me. 

What really happened? Let me tell you a story. 

Today is May 15, 2020, and COVID has taken over the world. Every day, we hear 100 negative news and 5 positive news. I have a rigid routine of reading for hours, writing for at least an hour, dancing—I am learning from YouTube videos, trying to learn guitar—finally, the guitar I bought 3 years ago is coming to use, and I am finally done making a surprise gift card for my best friend’s birthday.

The last few days have gone by since I made the card. I have found every colour pen, crayon, and sketch to make something pretty. I was adding new ideas to a Pinterest board, and I knew how it was going to look. I was super excited for the result. I was making one origami every day. I was writing one letter every day for her. I was going to write either 14 or 7 letters for her. I wrote 7 because the card doesn’t have much space. I also made an agreement for her to sign. So, the idea was to have letters on one side of the card and an agreement written on the other side.

I even made DIY envelopes for the letters. I hid a few surprises for her in the card itself. I was also trying to find a way to get some pictures printed, but since everything is closed, I had to drop the idea.

I used every extra piece of material that my family had hoarded over the years. I used some kind of net thing to decorate the card. It turned out exactly how I wanted it to be. I have always loved gifting something different with a lot of effort. However, my family thinks I went overboard with this card.

I am still following the same routine every day and am ready with the card. I have pasted all the origami. It is ready to be gifted. And now, I have nothing to do. I have put all my energy into this. I can’t think of doing anything. I feel empty.

And that’s what happened…

in the last two years. I used almost all my creativity if that’s possible. I used almost all the ideas I had hoarded over the years.

So, by the end of 2023, my ideas had become repetitive, and my writing was no longer fun for me. I almost stopped reading. And I didn’t force myself to write, to have ideas, or to do anything.

I did what I suggested everyone do. I took a break. And I stopped feeling guilty over it. I am still not back with the creativity. But I believe this is a start.

How are you?

How am I? Okay. Out of place, but okay.

Also, appreciate your favourite artists. I got inspired from Matthew, and sent him an email, and he replied this.

I’d say 7.5 maybe.

Added 0.5 because of this view. Karnataka was too kind to me, and so were Meena and Mitesh.

We’re never alone!

"The slow dance while looking at each other, not caring about anyone existing in the room, laughing mindlessly, and just being there." 

"Having a little of your own conversation while talking to other people—talk could be about as simple as what to have for dinner or how they solved a particular problem—just in their own world."

"When they just can’t decide how to make each other's day special because they have been trying to do it daily for more than 45 months."

“The way they try their best to adjust to situations because they have similar personalities.”

"When they let each other have the last bite of their favorite food."

I don’t know what you call all of the above; I call it "being there for each other." I am not the right person to declare all this love.

I do know it’s a lot more than like, care, and affection.

Never leaving any chance of capturing Grandma loving her granddaughter :) Some random Aunty and her granddaughter I saw in Ooty - I clicked her pictures with her family later.

On the right side, you can find Meena buying tea for us.

Some people say "nervousness or anxiety" is bad for the relationship because you should feel secure around your partner. And then some say that nervousness or anxiety signals how much you are invested in it and want it to work, and when you are vulnerable, you are supposed to feel all those things to feel real intimacy.

What do I think?

Define your own.

April Dunford says, "Marketing people define terms according to their own value." She meant it negatively. But I positively meant this. 

Don’t let one or another person tell you what and how you should feel around your partner. You’ll know when it’s meant to be. You will just know. Believe in yourself. Believe in your gut when it’s a matter of heart, but not when it’s a matter of data.

You might think, "All tech people are only talking about coding because all the social media channels are showing that." High chances are that they don’t even think about code in their work; they could be interested in business or something as simple as photography (another stereotype, so beware).

You’ll have to talk to real people and get the data from them. A sample space with a targeted audience is always better than some social media posts.

Meena patting this cutie for the first time.

Crisis?

Anyway, what is the ultimate goal of your life?

I gave it a lot of thought. These are some options I come up with depending on how I am feeling:

• Becoming a doctor because I always felt something was missing; my family and friends call me half-doctor because I read around to be a bit updated. Also, I believe a little too much in doctors.

• Becoming a full-time traveler: I will just travel and do some gigs here and there to make a sustainable living.

• Becoming a full-time marketer. No more remote jobs; an office, a good team, and a lot of learning through experiments.

• Becoming a full-time writer. Write to make money out of it. Not only a little but a lot.

• Becoming a full-time coder: So that I can satisfy that part of my brain that reminds me how I belong in STEM.

• Becoming a full-time student. Do one degree, then another. Get an MBA and then a bachelor’s in psychology, and then get a master’s in finance—a dual degree sounds interesting. It excites me to the point that I know what programs I want to be admitted to if I decide it’s something I want to do. 

What about you? 

Uh..oh, 25?

I am turning 25 in the next few days. Here are 5 things I did that I’d recommend to everyone:

Career -

I tried out six different fields before I did what I do now. I’d recommend it, but I also recommend doing it quickly. I say this with a heavy heart; it sounds so exciting and interesting while listening to other people’s stories, but the ones telling the stories know how difficult it gets to find that one thing while fighting with all the self-doubts.

Expectation -

Having little to no expectations from others. Let me frame it better. Believing in people’s ability and their intent to do their best. I have said this enough times in this newsletter, but here it goes again. Most people don’t want to hurt you intentionally. Most people are trying their best. It’s the situation and the way it made them act—something we have all done once in our lives.

Boundary -

Making boundaries. It’s the best thing I did for myself. Once people around me knew I wouldn’t take any bullshit or I’d call it out, things got easier automatically.

Effective Communication -

Doing as I say and saying as I do. This is another thing that smooths relationships, friendships, and, in general, life. 

Travel - 

I went on six trips in seven months. Looking at this beautiful world, escaping daily routines, meeting new people, knowing some locals for a shorter period, remembering their stories for a long time, getting annoyed at something small, and then finding the best highlight from a particular place.

📍 Coorg, Karnataka!

Love is still a topic I talk about, even when I have no experience at all. Let’s say I might change that in the coming months.

Until then, it’s me and my observations against all the judgments.

No more naps! Just keep doing what you really want to do. You’ll get there soon. Have a good night, you all.

50-50?

I came across this thing that said the "50-50" thing is nothing but an invitation to the problem; what you need is effective communication, which means your ability to tell your partner that you can only provide 30% today, and your partner can choose to cover 70% or just understand to give you your space, and it goes both ways.

Once you and your partner start doing it, everything starts falling into place.

I liked it. It made sense to me. So, here it is for everyone who is reading.

I also firmly believe in "do it for them even if they won’t do it for you." Why? Because you should be doing your task—it could be love, respect, or being loyal. Your task is not to worry about what others will do for you but to know what you are willing to do with honest intent.

I know it hurts sometimes. I know it does. Remind yourself to be patient. Someone who gives out so much love will eventually find a lot of love in this world. Your life on this planet is all about balance.

If you give love, you will get love. If you give hate, you will get it too.

Hehe :)

Hi everyone, How are you all?

I think I overshared in the last newsletter, and as much as I want to shake that feeling, I can’t. I wanted to discontinue the newsletter, but something nice I read today made me want to write. So, here I am blabbering.

You know you’ll meet some people who will have a lot of respect and likeness for you. You will have respect and likeness for them as well. But the place that likeness is coming from will be different, which matters in the end. At least, that’s what I think.

Do they like you because they have no one else to rely on? Do they like you because you came and their lives got better? Do they like you because they could find versions that they didn’t know existed before?

They like you because, and they love you despite. Once you know why they like you, you will understand what part of them they struggle with.

We are simple creatures. We give hints all the time. However, we are too blind to see those hints. All we see is what we want to see, not what others want us to see. I remember cutting my Paa off three times because I thought I knew what he wanted to show. No, I didn’t. All I knew was what I wanted to see.

This is what happens when you get into any kind of argument. You say you want to see, but you close your eyes and then complain about not being able to see.

Next time, open your eyes, focus on what needs your attention, and shut up your surrounding voices.

This is the short one because I am building my habit of writing again. Small steps. One step at a time!

Also, how do you all deal with changes? I am struggling again; any tips, hacks, or stories are appreciated.

Like always, thanks for reading! Tell me how you are doing here or in the DM.

I was supposed to write how much I loved Mumbai, and what I might have learned or observed in March. However, I haven’t written anything in a while so my memories are mixed. 

So, rather than writing two separate blogs, I am gonna compile everything here. Cheers to another messy blog. I am trying super hard to publish something every month to keep this going on. Why?

I was having a conversation with a friend in Lodhi Garden, and she casually mentioned how when I first started this newsletter, I sent her a draft and how much I have grown because now I barely ask anyone to read it. 

I knew why I was writing this newsletter, but I had forgotten how I started. Do you also feel that the meaning of everything changes with time? I definitely do. 

I started because I was finding my corner of the sky. Now, I have found it, and no longer think about the significance of it. 

Here are a few things I wrote in the last 2 months:

An image comes to my mind:

Every time I see my maa around the balcony, I get triggered (& wonder the ways I can save her if she gets slipped) and keep looking at her, wanting to make sure she gets back safely to the room. She is smart enough to take care of herself. My home is a safe place. There is no way she could get slipped. I still get triggered. 

I wasn’t like this from the beginning. I was never in these imaginations. I remember the time I got my first known panic attack because there were riots in Delhi and I heard a rumor that it was around my home, I was terrified for my maa. The worst part is during times when you want an urgent update, calls don’t get connected, I was barely 20 mins away and I was restless, was pukish, and couldn’t sit on the bus (I was coming by bus), and a month later, covid happened. It got more difficult to leave her alone and go anywhere. Now every time I go away even for a few days, all I think about is if she is feeling okay without me. Tbh, my family is so kind and lovable, she won’t miss me too much. I still wonder though.

Small incidents do a lot to you. Accept it or not. Those things happened. Every human you meet, and every interaction you had, changes how you see things. Changes things. Trauma or not, it does change you. In a good or bad way? No idea. But it does change you. 

—

Bombay

I entered the city and I became the main character. Experiencing Bombay in a car, roaming around the roads around Gateway of India - seeing how busy the city is and how free the city is at the same time. 

Cab drivers have all the time in the world, whereas people going around are in a hurry. Most people choose not to talk about politics, but like Delhites would tell you different reasons why choosing their city is a better choice.

In the food department, they have some awesome basic dishes like Upma, Poha, and Sabudana - my family still misses all three. Apparently, finding good chai in Bombay is an art that we couldn’t learn.

Tall buildings and their sea link have my heart. Seeing the skyline every day was my favorite part. Sunsets on the beaches are another experience when you can see those tall buildings too. I didn’t know I would fall in love with the tall buildings. Bombay has a part of my heart. 

A lot of people asked me if I’d move to Bombay, and I said no, obviously. Bombay has everything that one can fall in love with, however, it lacks Delhi’s vibe. 

I am living in Delhi since birth, and every time I go out, I could feel like I am a traveler in my own city. I can feel it’s my home and unknown too. I walk like the city is registered in my name, and explore like I am new here. I feel like I belong here. Just here. Nowhere else. 

Bombay wasn’t on my bucket list but it was on my maa’s bucket list. We all had fun. Something I wrote around cities after visiting Bombay:

“I love love. I love that the love I feel for places (other than Delhi) is so different and so motivating. I want to go there. I get so hopeful about the possibilities. I see people. I see random aunties smiling when you ask them something that they didn’t expect. I love when you talk to local people and they tell you why you would love their city. I love how their tales show how they found calm in the chaos.”

— 

Do you like your childhood version? 

A world full of love is what I fantasize about every day. Most of my dreams are filled with someone falling in love or finding their love. Maybe I want my world to be filled with love. Maybe I want my people to be filled with love. Maybe I just want myself to be filled with love. 

So much love that when I find out about a cute love story, I could cry happy tears. The amount of love that can make me feel emotions that I don’t get to feel most days. 

I see so many people wanting to be kids again. To be honest, I don’t want to go back there. My childhood was amazing. However, I wasn’t a nice or kind kid. I don’t like my childhood version. I love that that version was so free of judgments, free of responsibilities, but I don’t like the consequences of it. 

I don’t want to go back. Someone I know casually mentioned one day how they have noticed that I don’t get satisfied easily. That label destroyed a few good moments of my life. How? Because, now everyone was looking at me like that including me. Even on the days when I was satisfied I used to ask myself if it was real or if I was just fooling myself. 

Generally, I am a satisfied person. However, I try to sleep like there is no tomorrow. That’s what makes me a bit unsatisfied every day. Not the tasks for today. Not the conversations for today. But, the tasks that I might be leaving for tomorrow - what if there is no tomorrow for me? The conversations that I couldn’t do. 

Do you consider yourself a satisfied person?

— 

Are you a failure?

April was a happy but confusion-filled month. I always had pending tasks. I got sick twice - right before going to Pune, and then right after coming back to Delhi. 

Pune is a simple city. A city where you can find a busy life and a chill life too. You can opt for hustling by moving there for identity. Or you can move there to find the silence that you don’t find in your hometown. 

Bombay and Pune both are Maharashtrian cities. However, one doesn’t sleep at all, and another loves its afternoon nap more than anything. 

My experience was a bit overwhelming, a bit crazy, and another level wholesome. I forgot to try Misal Pav though. 

One auto uncle guessed that I was from Delhi. When I asked him how, he said, “Delhi and Mumbai ki ladkiya alag se pta chal jati hai”. I took it as a compliment and mentioned the same to him, and he said he meant it as a compliment only. I was having this conversation at 11:45ish with him. He used to come to Delhi a lot. He told me his old stories about Chandni Chowk, and asked me about the reality behind NCR stories - I told him the truth. 

Just a wholesome conversation with the wholesome uncle. I love how I always find some wholesome moments with local people wherever I go. 

I tried the mystery room and failed miserably with the friend I went with. A message to people who organize the mystery rooms - Bro, you gotta give a bit of space to the participant to use their brains. We did solve some of the puzzles, but before we could do something about it, we got the solution. 

Only if life was that easy. 

“Oh, you are stuck? Here take the hint.” “Oh, you can’t complete this, don’t worry, do this, and go to the next level.” 

All life gives you is a generalized failure tag. When you want to justify it, all you find is a race to win the conversation between your logical and emotional reasoning. 

Are you a failure? How did you conclude that? 

Thanks for reading! If you like it, then share, comment, like, or just DM me if you have something to share that is troubling you - I will not give you gyaan or anything but I’ll be there to read it and listen to you!

2023 is going to be awesome for all of us! Learn a new skill - I am failing, but you please go, and do it. Hoping you took plenty of naps last year. So, dedicate this year to dancing, eating, and having fun!

It almost made me cry. I didn’t know mountains could make me emotional.

I love love!

I have zero sense of jewelry, so while choosing which bangle I should take, I asked the aunty who was selling it - an old aunty has a shop filled with bangles and bangles only, a nice vibe that place has. My maa looked at that aunty and mumbled, “she select the set of bangles like your grandma used to do it” I observed that old aunty, and I could see my grandma in her. 

I was worrying about buying those bangles for a week and I was just not satisfied with any type. I took the bangles that old aunty liked the most - yes, it got that simple. I loved meeting her. I loved my grandma and I still do. 

There are so many instances where I meet old aunties and find a part of my grandma in them. I never met my grandpa but sometimes, I meet some old uncles who talk to me like I am their granddaughter and I get happy knowing that if my grandpa was alive, he would have been treated similarly. 

Are you angry or just sad?

Most days when you shout or get angry, ask yourself if I am really angry or just sad about anything. You will be disappointed to know that most days you are sad only and you channel your sadness through anger, sometimes even disappointments too. 

Do you know why most relationships fail even when the people involved are in love? Most relationships fail because either one of them or both of them use words as their swords and fight a war. 

How do relationships work? When involved people understand that it’s always the problem vs them. 

They are on one side. They need to fight that bad habit of alcoholism or whatever. They need to take care of their family together - by giving 100% on one day, and sometimes by giving 50% but together. They need to fight their insecurities together. Yes, your partner’s insecurity is not your fault. However, helping them feel secure is an act of care and when you love someone, care comes with the package. So, rather than making it the you vs me problem, make it the problem vs us. 

The funny part here is that I have never been in a romantic relationship, and ideally, you should not take advice from me. But give me a moment to convince you why you should listen to me. Relationships can be different but the foundations can’t. That’s it. 

I used to have a lot of rigid opinions. That changed over time. My grandma used to say, “insan ko pani ki tarah hona chahiye” [translation - be like water] and I never understood what she meant. However, I observed what she meant. 

Don’t know how we do it?

We all live in a bubble. A bubble that we made to live happily. Outside that bubble, a lot is happening but we selectively choose to ignore it. 

While sharing an e-rickshaw with a kid who was going home with her mom, I noticed what bubble I live in. We were crossing a market. 

Her mom: Ye night suit dekh, kitna sundar lag raha hai [see that night suit, how beautiful it looks].

Kid: Dekh toh lungi lekin khridne ke paise kaha se laogi? Vo toh nhi hai na hmare pas [I’ll look at it but from where will we get the money to buy it? We don’t have money].

Her mom: Chup ho ja [Shut up].

The kid was constantly repeating the same thing. She was at least 12 years old. I intentionally didn’t mention - that kid had some mental disability (one of my cousins suffers from the same and I have seen all of it closely).

The mom wasn’t embarrassed because she had no money, however, she was sad about the fact that she can’t share her feelings with her kid. 

I didn’t react during the whole scene. I look outside and I kept doing that. One thing I learned very early on is most people don’t want your pity. So, try not to pity anyone. 

I was sad until I was in that rickshaw. The moment I exited, I was in my bubble again. It’s that easy to move on. 

It’s good that it’s easy to move on. Everyone is fighting one or another thing. Some struggle because they have to and some because they don’t know what to do other than struggle. No pain is less though. Moving on from these instances gives you a space to sleep. 

I remember the year when I got worried about an unknown uncle I saw on the road, an uncle I saw in the metro, an aunty I saw begging at the road, a kid roaming in streets with no slipper, and 4 teens dividing food because they had to somehow save some for the night as well. 

It gets super difficult to go to bed when it hits you that not everyone has the same kind of privileges you have. It’s not even about sadness or happiness. Maybe they are happier than I am or maybe sad than I am. It’s about getting into your bubble again and ranting about the stuff that is so trivial - like it really doesn’t matter. 

I am feeling so contradicted right now. 

I don’t know if I like the bubble or not. It’s there though. 

Mountains and my hate-love relationship

I have developed an emotional connection with nature in the last few years. I love watching out of the window while traveling. I barely talk. I laugh. I look outside. I listen to whatever is happening around me. But I look outside. Why? No solid reasons. I just love it. 

Similarly, I love watching the sky, sunrises, sunsets, sun, moon, stars, and every part of it. I love looking at clouds. I am a girl who gets lost in the sky literally. I didn’t know how much I would love going on a trek. It was a beautiful experience. I enjoyed every part of it. 

I used to be scared of forests. I no longer feel the same about forests. I find mountains depressing. Not because they are gloomy (maybe they are) but mostly because, the moment I saw the mountains, it hit me that I have real issues to deal with, that I can’t escape from myself anymore, and that I can’t hide my sadness behind my personality. I felt all of it the moment I reached and roamed around. I don’t know how but I found a peaceful moment there too. 

I’ve decided to go on more treks, to cover the Himachal and Uttarakhand this year - no more hiding from the mountains. 

What have you decided to do more of?

Thanks for reading! If you like it, then share, comment, like, or just DM me if you have something to share that is troubling you - I will not give you gyaan or anything but I’ll be there to read it and listen to you!

2023 is going to be awesome for all of us! Learn a new skill. Hoping you took plenty of naps last year. So, dedicate this year to dancing, eating, and having fun!

Are you a kind person?

Most days I don’t like how I sound - in videos usually. I feel like I become someone who doesn’t know how to speak because, in my head, I sound better than this. During my parents’ 25th anniversary, there was a moment when my maa paa were dancing and I was saying something on the mic that got recorded. It sounds so bad that every time we watch that 1-hour long video, I continuously say sorry to ruin that part of the video. Even though my family doesn’t care anymore but I feel so bad for ruining it that this time during my brothers’ wedding, I decided not to take the mic at any time. 

Insecurity related to voice when you love talking and are extroverted most days is a pain in the ass but “Zindagi hai, seh lenge”. 

What’s that small thing that you find annoying about yourself but most people don’t care about? Think of the time when it was first triggered and understand why you even care. 

Even when most of us say we don’t care what people say, we do care about a set of people which is alright as long as that set of people is worth getting that attention, care, and affection from you. 

2023 started with a blast!!!

January was a mixture of every emotion I could feel. From feeling the utmost happiness seeing my brother getting old and going through rituals like an adult to getting saddest over the realization that my brother is no longer my best friend. 

I always treated my elder brother like he is my younger brother - best friends do that! So, when the Jaimala was happening, not only my parents but I also got emotional for a second, I was seeing a kid who used to ask me to accompany him in nearby shops, that small kid was getting married and I suddenly felt old. 

I danced a lot. Like a lot. I was either working or dancing. I kind of realized that maybe I like dancing more than eating. Maybe. 

Let me tell you this, a big fat north Indian wedding was itself a huge project that we were working on since April 2022 and we finally made it happen. It’s extremely difficult to get along with new people, to compromise on what you want, to finally make a peace with whatever the best you could get, to shop for so many people, and to be yourself while trying to play so many roles. 

The wedding week was so hectic that there was a point when I felt lucky to have one brother only. You need another level of management skills to do all of it and that too beautifully with no drama while pleasing all the relatives, groom & bride, pandit, and bhagwan ji. Hats off to my parents, they did it all and they did it right!

There were parts of the day when I was losing my mind. At one point during the engagement, I talked rudely to one of my mamus which I don’t do on usual days. By the haldi-mehndi day, I think most of my relatives and friends knew that I am in a super alert and stressed mode. Even on the wedding day, the constant calls from friends and relatives turned on my working mode - almost ran for 400 mtrs in heels. 

The wedding became more awesome because a few of my friends joined me on that 3-day journey and saw me going through a crisis, stressed, happy, etc. This event was the biggest event I helped host and it was too close to my heart but don’t worry, I’m done with the shaadi talks. 

Jan - failed attempt.

January's resolution was to write a short story that I couldn’t complete. As much as I want to make the wedding an excuse, deep down I know I wasted enough hours which could be used to pen down the story. 

I was trying to write the story again - my January resolution but couldn’t come up with a good storyline. I feel stuck because like always I am looking for this one perfect story and failing to acknowledge that I only need characters and they will help me write the story. 

It comes and goes in waves.

Do you talk to a lot of people? Make a lot of friends. Mingle with a lot of people. Ask yourself for what relationship you are compensating for. Ask yourself this every time someone mentions you have a lot of people to talk to or hang out with. 

And when you get the answer, don’t stop. Keep doing what you are doing because the solution is on the same path. You and I, both will find it sooner or later but we will. 

“Nothing heals the past like time” I used to think I have healed in this but recently I realized I might not have healed but moved on. There is a difference between both. From “not linking my worth to work” to “do to work till late” because I am not feeling like I am worth anything, yes, I have changed a lot and not healed. 

These dreams and desires will take all of us somewhere where we will miss ourselves and will want to move back to the past self only realizing that the past self asked for this. I am grateful for who I have become, for what I have gotten, and for how things turned out for me. I am also a bit disappointed in myself because I became what I never wanted to become. 

24»»»23

To anyone who is wondering how it feels to be 24, then let me tell you, it’s way better than 23. You are used to the career crisis. Life is better but 6 months into it, you feel tired again. You don’t want to turn 25, but at the same time, you want to turn 25 to get over it. I heard somewhere that after you turn 25, your metabolism automatically gets slow - another topic to get concerned about. 

However, you don’t get FOMO anymore. You just feel relaxed after every missing event. You feel like doing nothing but still do the work you are accountable for. You are responsible and you don’t even show it off. It’s like “yeah, nothing special I am doing” and there is peace in that feeling. 

Do you consider yourself average-looking, above-average, or below-average? 

We will discuss this in the next blog!

Thanks for reading! If you like it, then share, comment, like, or just DM me which part you liked the most.

2023 is going to be awesome for all of us! Learn a new skill. Hoping you took plenty of naps last year. So, dedicate this year to dancing, eating, and having fun!

Clicked this on 1st Jan 2023 - spent the day sitting in a cab and thinking “why, god why?”

Every time I get into arguments with my parents, I realize how if I were them, I’d have lost my calm at the first word of the sentence - and I am someone who doesn’t get angry easily. This is what makes me realize how easy it is to judge parenting and how difficult it is to be a parent.

The most important thing to remember is that this is their first time too. They are doing their best. Love your parents with a whole heart. Love them so much that they don’t wait for your words for assurance.

I don’t want to be that kid whose success makes her parents realize that something was possible because of her. I want to be that kid whose success makes her parents realize that whatever she does, has done, or will be doing is because of them.

I don’t want to make them proud of me but of themselves. After all, I am whatever I am because of them.

What’s best, or perfect for you?

Most days I don’t write because it should be something coming out of my heart which is so illogical because that means I am focusing on what I should write, and well, this place is where I write without worrying about anything and then I go and think it should be perfect - what does even perfect mean?

I am so dumb.

This leads to the topic I was discussing with a friend.

Perfect - having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics.

Best - of the most excellent or desirable type or quality.

According to my friend, the best, or let’s just call it perfect is something top in the world - nothing can beat it in anything whatsoever.

Whereas I think best or perfect depends on the frame of reference. A trip to New York can be best or perfect for me and can be a small ambition for you. Becoming a doctor can be my best or perfect but living in Dubai can be yours.

“Not like this”

I say that I write honestly, so I couldn’t write for a whole month. I didn’t know what part of my feeling was honest or what was a false realization. I sometimes get so confused that I have to skip a meal and sleep for more than 9 hours to get my senses back.

I ask a lot of questions, so here is another one. Have you felt “not like this” with the most joy or pain?

You achieved a dream, but the cost of getting it made you say, “not like this”, you got that one most beautiful thing with an unexpected but beautiful turn, and the happiness made you say, “not like this”.

The joy of saying “not like this” is almost equal to the pain of saying the same.

De-attachment

2022 was filled with a bit of confusion. I did a lot but still, “not working enough” tops the list of guilts I have about 2022.

Do you go through the phases of de-attachment?

De-attachment means when you feel little to no connection with someone or something. I go through these phases a lot. All of sudden, I just don’t feel like talking to some people for no reason. I get disconnected. I don’t text or call. I just don’t feel anything.

The best thing I do during those phases is to keep my distance and have neutral reactions. I take a break of 5 to 7 days and come back feeling normal again.

My brother’s wedding is almost here, and yesterday, out of nowhere, I wasn’t interested anymore. Not in food. Not in dance. I felt nothing. I was that neutral. I slept early and woke up with similar emotions. I am again excited about the wedding.

First gyaan(s) of 2023

If you think you are smart and can solve others’ problems, then let me tell you that you are the dumbest person. You can never solve others’ problems. All you are going to do with that is adding chaos to your life.

If you think you making effort for someone/something means you should get it, then you are just being transactional. Don’t label it as care.

If you feel that making you happy is someone else’s job, you are in delusion.

If you think the world revolves around you and everyone is trying to fuck up your life, then you are just entitled.

Do things because you want. Own up to your shit. Stop blaming people for your wrong decisions. Make your 2023 awesome and do something if you hate being idle but your job wants you to be idle - a lesson I learned from my paa.

Don’t do nice things now and try to cash them in later. That’s manipulation. - Matthias J Barker

Tell them you are one message away

2022 gave me a lot of things but almost stole my favorite people. I changed. A lot. I made a lot of promises to myself so that I don’t lose my people. I just wrote “my people” however, 2022 made me realize they were never fully mine. And, that’s the reality. Nobody is yours fully. Only you are yours, so take care of yourself.

A friend of mine always ends the message with “Take care” and after 100s of messages later, this friend finally ended the message with “enjoy, and I am only one message away” which made me smile from ear to ear. Because sometimes you only need the assurance that you might not know you need.

So, here I am contradicting myself and telling you to tell people that you are one message or call away if they wanna talk. Give them that assurance even after loving them with the whole heart.

I am going to complete my annual review and make a lot of plans for this year but if there is one thing I want to do is to blabber about what I am going through with no shame. No waiting. No second thoughts. Just raw blabbering.

Life is less about chasing big things and more about enjoying small things. Have some amazing trips in 2023. Happy new year!

Thanks for stopping by! And if you like reading my newsletter, then comment, subscribe and share with whoever you like.

70+ questions later, this was the result of the Dichotomy Test I took.

I started this blog when I thought I want to share what I write with the world. Now I only write because I don’t know any other ways to express what I feel. I promise I am doing better than the last time I came to write. 

This year has been amazing for most people I know. We all got hurt by someone close, we all decided to never let anyone hurt us again, and we again gave another chance to the same person or a different one. We all canceled plans and we all made spontaneous plans. We all failed and then won. We all did all of it. 

High Volume, less noise

I have been trying to write this blog for more than 15 days. My process of writing this blog includes making a document named “Month - Blog” (for ex: Oct - Blog) and writing whatever comes to my mind. Usually, I listen to songs on 70+ volume so that I can ignore the voices that are telling me not to write anything. 

I take 45 minutes to 70 minutes to write one newsletter when I am in my creative mode. Some days, I go and use all of my creativity in my work or helping out my brother & friends - which happened this month and end up writing nothing. 

About the song, I listen depending on how I am feeling - for example right now I am listening to Radical Face 'Welcome Home'. Sometimes, I start with one song that I have forgotten for a while and then let Youtube suggests similar ones. I must say the Youtube algorithm is the best when it comes to suggesting songs. 

What’s easier for you?

It is easier to hate someone whom you love and rather difficult to love someone you hate. This is from my personal experience. 

Hating someone whom I loved with my whole heart has always been easier for me. The phases include -

• Loving them, 

• Ignoring all the things they have said or done in the name of love, 

• Then one day, finally getting done with that person, 

• Writing all the emotions I felt, 

• Starting hating them and start making distance and they stop existing (for me) for a while.

Then comes the phase when I am calm, less angry, and more stable

• Start to understand them,

• Keeping my emotions, and myself away from the situation: to understand it better,

• Forgiving them is the next step I take

• And then if they deserve a second chance I give it: usually when I am not part of the chaos they made,

• I make peace and never utter any word about any of it to them as I said, the situation doesn’t involve me. 

• I love them again, more than ever. 

• I have trust issues but I think we can live a happy life.

Now, loving someone whom I hate because they have hurt my close people, and the phases are - 

• Understanding that their intention was not what their action showed,

• Failing to believe what I mentioned above,

• Decide to accept them for the sake of others,

• They do something and I get another reason to hate them: it is almost like I never wanted to like them in the first place,

• Write how I feel about them, and what I can do to make all of it better,

• Going back to trying to like them,

• It works for a few days and sometimes, for a month,

• Then a big fallout, 

• Everything is chaos: everyone involved is hurt & angry,

Then comes the phase when I am tired, done, and ready to accept because there is no way I can feel better now -

• I fake my happiness now even when it’s not needed: “fake it till you make it” becomes my mantra,

• Trying to accept them and see them how everyone else is seeing them,

• Not involved in anything that evokes any kind of emotion,

• Everything they do or say becomes irrelevant to me: saving myself from getting into a spiral of hate,

• Accept them like they are,

• Still hate them but now I can share a space with them if needed,

Then comes the phase when time passes by -

• Now I know their insecurities,

• Knowing their trauma helped a little,

• Still hate them for what they did, 

• But now I can laugh with them,

• Started liking their presence,

• Still hate them for what they did,

• But I have let it go,

• They are here and I am here,

• I see them and don’t feel a strong emotions,

• I like seeing them making my close people happy,

• Start liking them for real this time,

• Understand that it’s life and this is how it works,

• Look back at all those times when things were good and find that we survived bad days because good days were too good,

• I love them because despite all of it they gave me some good days, memories, and lessons.

Yes, nostalgia is my thing. 

You can love someone and still hate them with the same intensity. You can hate someone and still try to love them. These emotions exist together. Not far from each other. They exist in the same part of the brain. Every vein that feels love, feels hate too. Every memory which you love has parts that you hate. Every memory you hate has parts you love. 

This is what I learned in the past 24 years. 

Motivation or the mirror?

I get so much gyaan - big and small - from my family that I can never share everything even if I try to, but here is something that blew my mind. 

Recently, while working, I joked about not getting challenging work at the office but getting paid well. My paa - who was untying his shoes (back from the office)- said, “It’s the worst thing that a company makes you sit at a job where you burn your peak working (potential) years when you have little to no responsibility in return for money.” 

Yes, money is important. I swear I get it. I want it. But not like that. Recently, while talking to a friend, I couldn’t describe why I want to do what I am thinking to do. I gave it a thought, but there was no concrete answer. Two days fast forward, and now I know why I do anything - I want to learn. I want to feel challenged. I want to be more than the work I do. I want to do everything because I know I can do it. 

If you were looking for the answer related to the career change, then I hope what my paa randomly said one evening to motivate us makes it easier for you. 

I am proud of you!

A friend of mine, you know who you are, used to dread outings, eating out, etc. But has been trying all of it for the last 3-4 months and loving it. I have seen people grow, and the best part about seeing people grow is how it makes you feel. I feel proud most days. I love all of it. 

I am proud of you because you are doing something that you hated once. I am proud of you because you are making changes. I am proud of you because you decide to be vulnerable with your close people. I am proud of you. 

Winter is coming. It’s your turn to rise. Exercise and sleep, you nice people. Have an awesome November!

Thanks for stopping by! And if you like reading my newsletter, then comment, subscribe and share with whoever you like.

We all make plans but end up doing something different than imagination. But even if the overview of the plan is similar, I mark it as a successful and known execution - like something I could have control over. I have said enough time that having low expectations make your life easy and there is no lie, it does. It also makes you a machine that accepts almost anything like it is nothing.

Something happens, and you go like, “yeah, that’s okay, I can deal with it” and you continue living the life you were living before - as if nothing happened. What you forget is that it did happen, you lived those moments, and hours, and you did invest your time, energy, and emotion into it.

This is what I like about writing - I wrote a few incidents in less than ten lines explaining everything and telling nothing. Maybe after a few months, I’ll come back and read this again and won’t feel anything but for now, pouring my heart is what I do here.

There is this one mix I listen to every time I write, some strange feelings are connected with it. Whenever I go to change it, I look at my screen for five seconds and come back to write again. This is what makes me realize how much I love doing the same things again and again. Living the same moments again and again.

Nostalgia is my thing!

We got it all wrong.

Whenever I meet someone new I use this one rule, “be raw, they don’t have to become your best friend, if they do, good, if they don’t, good” - so like be straightforward from the beginning. I think this is the best way to meet people. You don’t pretend to be someone else. You laugh openly. You talk openly. You bitch openly. You share openly. You eat openly.

People would come and tell you that, “be yourself” is the overrated advice, to be honest, it’s underrated. Being yourself doesn’t mean you prepare yourself to be “who you think you are”, it simply means being the version you are with your close people.

That’s why I don’t mind it when I make some dumb mistakes while meeting new people. It feels normal. A few months ago, I went to this group meetup, and during the whole thing, I was only thinking about who I am. It wasn’t a fun meetup for me I can say. I met plenty of people after that and had fun while meeting each one of them. Reason? I used the above-mentioned rule.

That works when you meet people you haven’t met before.

But how should you treat people who are in your life for some time, with whom you meet every once in a while, or maybe daily, or not meet but are connected with them on some basis?

I surely fail at this. I sometimes treat my close people like I don’t care if they leave tomorrow, I do. I am just bad at coping with emotions, so I find an easy way out.

I have learned this new rule a few days ago, and it’s already helpful. The rule is to treat them like they are going to be in your life forever. Will they? Nobody knows. This is a healthy way to treat people. Treating them like they are going to be here forever means giving them the value they deserve, understanding where they are coming from, making necessary boundaries, and telling them through words and actions about how you want to get treated.

This is how you make every relationship healthy. Not getting dependent on them but treating them like they are here to stay and you want their stay a pleasant one.

Like when they think of you, they know that you both are each other’s comfort space where you can go for a little break from everyday life.

I have become mindful while treating people now.

Bro, so much gyaan. Blame the book I am reading nowadays - Why has nobody told me this before?

Too much work!

I watched the movie “Before Sunrise” when I was 16-17 and my brain decided to take one lesson from the movie - “if nobody knows where you are, then nobody will feel the pain of losing you” and well, lived a few years with the same thought process. However, in 2021, things changed and I intentionally try to change the narrative of this story.

That’s what it is about. It here is life. The narrative we tell ourselves holds the power. He/she thinks about me this. My people did this because of that. This and that sandwich with a lot of assumptions. But none of them are facts.

You know, understanding our life patterns is only the first step, breaking them and changing them is like an intermediate step but what’s the final step? I feel like making another different pattern until we find out that it has become toxic too, and repeating the whole cycle.

Woah, too much work, right? Nobody warned us about this.

A beach where I spent more than 3 hours & felt okay.

In(AC)cident

I almost died. I am not exaggerating but yes, I almost died. Goa was a beautiful adventure for me. Tides were high. I was sitting on the rock. Tides came and took me with them. Two people were watching me going with the water. There was nothing they could do. There was nothing I could do. We all three looked at each other. I did what I could think of - stretched my hands, didn’t panic, and found the rock to hold onto. I waited until I was sure that I could stand up without falling into the water and walked to the shore.

A small thanks to the guy who guide our team in Rishikesh. He specifically mentioned not to panic while going with the water because that’s when you need your senses to work like a pro.

Also, I was damn scared of water after that small incident. And I love water. It took me one whole day at the beach to get comfortable with the water again. So, for now, I am okay with water again. Scuba diving, I am coming.

I might get therapy before I do standup - might is the keyword.

A small thing I want to do in this newsletter at one point in time - mention people from my life and crack some jokes about them to tell you all how important they are to me and maybe, if they decide to give the newsletter a read, then making their day as a bonus.

Being the person who wants to do something and has failed multiple times in finding that something, I want to say, yes, it is difficult to find the motivation to carry on. But I am optimistic and I believe, there will be this one moment when I will find something to do and will not feel the urge to make money from it, to get famous from it, and show it to the world.

I will keep that as my hidden treasure. But until then, this is the space I am going to explore.

Traveling is fun and so is sleep. So, sleep people. Have some amazing naps in the last few months of 2022.

Thanks for stopping by! And if you like reading my newsletter, then comment, subscribe and share with whoever you like.

A tree supporting all of the advertisements without any discrimination - why can’t we humans do it?

We all live in this world where if your action results in something fruitful only then you are supposed to get paid, respected, and be worthy of others’ time and energy. And when you get paid, respected, or whatever because of what you write, it feels weird.

My grandma used to say this line - “paisa aane jaane vali cheez hai” but not your character (money is a thing that comes and goes with time/situations) - how you treat people matters more than how much you or they earn/have.

Wasn’t I supposed to do something to solve a real problem? I go into this spiral only to end up thinking what is even a real problem? The one which Elon Musk is solving or the one which you and I are solving?

Rationally? We are solving the problems we are facing and the same with Elon Musk. Our field of view is listing the problems we should be solving and we are doing our best to do that. And maybe, that is okay - a reminder to myself.

Maybe just maybe, I don’t have to do everything I want to do, and maybe, you don’t have to do it all as well.

If there is one time I have to choose when I am serious, it’s when I come to write the issue for this newsletter. I write some stories and hope that people might find a part of them relatable. I write for myself so I don’t ask anyone to proofread this. This is my thing - the wrong or right, all of it.

I love money but I hate money

We humans wonder more than we do and that’s why we started only 5,000 years ago. I expected better but then I saw myself and realized that they still did well.

We take more time to do stuff now. Why? We think we are smart but are we? Do you know foolish people are happier than smart people? So, who is really a foolish person? Also, like very random but what do you think knowing everything is better or living in denial is better?

Okay, serious question - What would you do if you don’t have to work for money? (suppose you have unlimited money)

My answer: I’d either code or write all day. I like it when I can just scratch my head for hours and end up writing the worst code possible - no lies. I like it when I stare at my screen for days before writing some 1000 words - ew David types.

I sometimes get a little late to deliver the work not because I wasted my time or anything. It’s because I sat down and stared at my screen for this one magical line/idea to come into my head.

To be honest, I don’t want to become this excellent writer or coder just now, I want to struggle a little because I like these moments - the stolen moments from the hectic days.

That’s how I find what I want to do next, and I go and join that thing.

Or I’ll travel and make memories. I’ll do all of it for myself, not to impress people, not to show people, just because I want to do it.

Do you believe in luck?

I am not fully convinced with the concept of luck but if it exists, then I’d say I am one of the luckiest people alive. How? I get to choose what I want to do, not the time but definitely what I want to do. 90% of the people don’t get that privilege, so, yes, I am lucky.

Trust issues

We all have some kinds of issues and the ones dealing with trust issues don’t know it until someone points it out, and once someone does, they go “damn, that’s why I did that and that” - at least, I did that.

And at that moment, you feel like you have resolved the problems of your life - what problem tho? Nothing much has changed. You just now have the name of the action, that’s it. Now, you proudly or subtly tell people that you have that particular issue and laugh at it. What happens after that? It becomes a part of your personality trait and you low-key don’t want to leave that trait behind. Pro? You already know. Con? You will never unlock the part of your life that is behind the door of this particular issue.

I am going forward with a lot of past and by the end of this month, I am leaving a part of my past behind forever. Nothing huge for everyone, but a big deal for me.

Stand up - Very soon

Only four months have left for this year and I am taking a resolution to write at least one draft for my stand-up. Take one random resolution today with me. Keep it at the back of your mind. Complete it or not but take that resolution and see how different it is from the one you took at the beginning of the year.

Thanks for sticking by. You decided to give a read to some random personal blog - thanks for that!

And well, if you like reading my blog, share it with whoever you like. Take a lot of naps - helps in having a clear mind.

Delhi’s sky on a random night ft. my family.

After doing the annual review at the beginning of this year, I concluded how I set many goals for myself that were still untouched and how many unpredictable things I tried and enjoyed. I was ready for new adventures and was excited too. 

But after six months of 2022, I am here to say that life is full of unpredictable things and giving you different adventures every day but that kind of life is not the life I want to live - I want some familiarities with my old self to be myself and not some new version all of the sudden. 

Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing? I don’t know. What do you think?

Also, even when you think you are not under any influence, you are. I used to write random ups and downs of my life every once a week or something and a month ago, I started journaling and after going through all these entries, I realized how much I have changed over the last six months. 

So, what I am trying to tell you here is to document whatever you do and feel. Do it wherever. Use whatever app (or notebook or social media). Do it for your future self. Do so that when you go to sleep, 90% of your brain is empty to have new ideas.  

I didn’t want it to make another “gyaan” filled update. This one is going to be random. 

Priorities

The best thing I have realized over two months is that I don’t want to move out - at least for now. I only wanted to move out because I thought I’d like to live alone and do things how and when I like. But to be honest, no, I don’t want that. 

I always want to act like a kid - Aditi who you can just make her parents laugh by the sight of herself. Yes, I can be all that even when I move out. But you know, it is about priorities. 

You are reading my newsletter there will be a story. So, a few months ago, I was talking to one of my aunts and she casually mentioned how much she wanted to marry a guy who lives in Delhi (which she did) and that was her only wish - not to move away from her hometown, not to move away from her parents and it made sense. 

And a few months after that, I talked to a friend and he mentioned his priorities - he wanted to spend more time with his parents because they were getting old & nothing else mattered to him which, to be very honest, makes sense. 

We all have a lot of fears which is normal but then some fears become the restrictions & stop us from doing things that “no fear us” would do and some fears become the reason we take risks and become more vital than ever. 

But what we need to understand is what we consider fear is really fear or some kind of pressure that some other entity - society, peers, etc, has put on us. 

So, the question is what exactly is fear?

Shut up, Aditi!

Change is constant but I still am struggling with the changes - one minute you are living a monotonous life and that minute pass, and now you have different ten people to please, one hundred new decisions to make, and be ready to accept a few more insecurities (that never existed before), a complete package to make your life interesting. 

We forget a lot of things but the way we forget lessons from the mistake still makes me wonder how did we even reach civilization. I wonder how many failures were there before we got successful one time and how many lessons we decided to remember and how many lessons became “let’s forget them because they hurt too much” - I believe too many.

You know, we humans tend to block out some memories if they hurt us too much, I realized that I don’t remember a few incidents (no, I wasn’t a kid that time) that revolve around me but people around me remember it clearly. The interesting thing is all those stories coming from my family and friends don’t hurt me (at least not now) and I wonder why my brain decided to block them out. 

Dilli❤

If there is one thing I love most after my family, it is literally my hometown, Delhi, nothing else. Not even my friends. Delhi is 2nd on my priority list. I love Delhi with my whole heart - the crowd, the pollution, the language, the familiarity, the belonging, the metro, the food, the people (most of them), everything, literally. If I get emotional about anything, it’s Delhi - this is how much I love it. 

That’s why only two kinds of Love are known to be - the one that I feel for my family & friends and the one I feel for Delhi. 

Random but when I see people doing crazy stuff for someone they met one or two years ago, it just doesn’t make sense to me. How do they decide that they want to live with them their whole life, what could be that oh/aha moment when they realize that they have found their person and will happily share their life with them.

A lesson - Love is legit blind. 

You might be hurting but you won’t do anything to stop the pain because it’s familiar, going from the talking stage to knowing each other takes time, you have already invested so much time and energy, you might think you deserve that love, you think you need it, you do not give up, you have forgotten the boundaries, or maybe you don’t love yourself enough to understand how much you need to stop hurting, how much you need to start the healing process to actually be in love with yourself, with someone else. 

I don’t know. But you need to stop hurting and you need to stop the source of the pain.

Thanks for sticking by. You decided to give a read to some random personal blog - thanks for that!

And well, if you like reading my blog, share it with whoever you like. Take a lot of naps - helps in having a clear mind.

In love with the vibes.

If I have to select only one question that I skip or ignore by using different mechanisms is “what are your goals?” I was quite sure about traveling, and let me get you on a little secret I don’t even know if writing is the thing for me, I do it and I say that I want to get paid for whatever I write - it could be a blog or a story or a biography, something that I enjoyed and chose to write. 

But in reality, I don’t know if I’ll do it. I had a phase when writing 5-6k words in 2-3 hours was normal, now I barely write, like 1k words in 2 hours, and that too if I am in the mood.

Newly found fact: I love rivers with my whole heart.

When was the last time you had a heart-to-heart conversation with family or friends? Not a BT talk but you two (or three) people just sat and talked about how far you have come and how far you guys wanna go, how much fun you are having and how difficult something is, what kinds of adventures are your adventures and what are the adventures you are doing for the sake of society or peers, as a real heart to heart conversation, where there is no pretend, no proof, just you and your people. 

Believe me, it’s not about whom you had the conversation with, it is really about when you had the conversation. Life is moving fast again and I just wanted to remind you and myself that we all need to take a moment, a small pause to reflect on how our last five months were. 

What version of you dominates your whole personality?

I would be shit scared and my face still would have a smile. I would be hurting and I will be smiling all the time. I would be stressed for real and yes, I will have a smile on my face. I learned that I just can’t express my other emotions and after giving a lot of thought and time, I finally have a conclusion, I can’t escape one version of myself which dominates my whole personality - a happy and chirpy Aditi.

Thankfully, I like that about myself and I don’t feel any pressure from within to change it, so, if I ever meet you, you know what to expect. 

I do feel suffocated sometimes and that’s when I go and write. 

Not Lost - thank god!

I want to be so many things and slowly, I become parts of them and feel different like I achieved a dream I might not want to achieve, and that’s how I felt after bungee jumping. I jumped and the moment I felt the bounce and a voice reminded me how much I didn’t want to die. So, basically, I don’t want to die, that’s a good thing, and now the trickiest part, I felt like I could literally do anything. 

It’s exciting and scary at the same time. To have the freedom to think that you can basically do anything, bro, the sky is the limit. No more doubts about that. 

I still don’t believe it was actually that easy to do it. I have been thinking about bungee jumping for more than two years and it took less than a week to plan and execute it. A simple lesson I learned is we make a lot out of the small things.

Positive about social media?

Every time I think of disappearing from social media, I remember this small incident I wholeheartedly love and want to share with you all to maybe give one positive about social media. 

A year ago or something, my brother deleted his WhatsApp for some reason, and during that period, he met one of his clients (aged 60+) and the client mentioned how he missed seeing his life updates and asked him how was he doing and what was he up to but before that, his client also mentioned how much he loved seeing his dance videos and trip pictures that he shared during the year and how much he liked his Diwali attire - he never replied to any status but observed and enjoyed each one of them. 

And the moment my brother told us (our family) about this story, we all loved how pure and sweet it was. I realized that we all do the same with so many people. I like so many people, I talk to some of them once a month, with some twice a year, with some thrice a week but my social updates give them random updates of my life and their posts give me their updates and I so love being connected with them without so much effort. 

A small gyaan/tip - make everything about yourself and see how your life changes. What I meant is before doing anything, ask yourself why are you doing it and change the narrative to ‘I am doing it because it makes me feel good.’ 

I do this every single time and what I have noticed is my expectations from others are now lower than one can think and well, life gets easy really.

Random Realization:

• Solo traveling was less about finding myself and more about finding how responsible I am. I realized I am quite irresponsible. I go into the ‘life is short, let’s do it’ zone v fast and I believe I need to ask that zone to take a seat back now and then.

• The number of people who have told me that I am wasting my potential is more than the number of people who like me, like really.

  • From my mamu to my brother, my best friend to some people I met during solo traveling, if there is one thing they say is that I might have chosen the wrong field and should be doing something huge - I don’t know what really.

Took me a long time to write this one. Give me a month or two and I’ll come back with the detailed version of the trip & experience - haven’t got the chance to process it really.

And well, if you like reading my blog, share it with whoever you like. Take a lot of naps this year.

A reminder for everyone.

What are things our worth should be linked to?

This is the question I reflect upon almost every day. I don’t want to be that person whose happiness or sadness is dependent on the validation of education/degree they received, the work they do (or have done), the money they make, the learnings, the online presence, the amount of workout they do, basically, I don’t want to be that person who feels good after some achievement and gets sad after a failure. 

This is not someone I want to be. So, I became someone whose self worth was linked to making others happy - believe me, not a good place to be. 

And now, my self worth is linked with how present I am in the moment and how many choices I am making intentionally. So much effort. Small efforts to become a better version of myself.

What are the things your worth is linked to?

A cutie in his thoughts.

Meanings?

We waste so much time in understanding the hidden meanings behind words that we forget to give attention to the direct meanings. It’s important to keep yourself reminded of the direct meanings. I learnt this in a traditional manner. I prepared for my Physics’ board exam from the most difficult books (practiced HC Verma, you guys) and the exam was too easy and no, it didn’t seem easy to me because I already practiced difficult question (and blah blah reasons every teacher gives), it was easy because that year, CBSE decided to set the easy as a difficulty level. Teachers were shocked, students were happy obviously but while writing the exam I had to go through this phase where I wasted almost 15 mins on a question which had a direct solution and after my exam, I learnt how it is so important to see the things as they are. No exaggeration. No hidden meanings. Nothing. 

So many days, we wake up feeling empty and then, a small action, text, call, memory makes our day and that’s important. People say they want this and that but what actually makes them smile is something very small. We are humans. We tend to be emotional. Even the ones who don’t feel strong emotions get melted with small gestures. 

Usually we go and set the goals so high that we lose motivation before the journey even starts. If only we set small goals for every day, rather than getting smarter in one day, maybe start by getting less dumb every day, rather than hoping or working to get happiness in a day, start by getting less sadder than yesterday. Small efforts. I try to practice it almost every day. Sometimes, I forget and get overwhelmed and again start from zero which feels like zero but in reality, it’s not zero, it’s one level upgraded from the previous day and well, that’s enough.

Life is not in the past or future and no, I am not saying they ain’t gonna affect you. They will. But if life is about the present, then let’s do something now to make ourselves feel a little better than yesterday. Only a little. You don’t need to make amends with your friends/family in one go. Just decide that you wanna do this. That’s the first step. 

I go and listen to the song “Stop this train” by John Mayer every time I get no motivation to do anything and I just wanna thank this friend who is the reason I started listening to John Mayer again. I so missed this feeling when I listened to one song and got no particular memory but a sudden rush of emotions which makes me feel I am here, I am present. I realized very late that I am a music lover. Dumb me. My paa is a music lover and I have taken 90% of his habits, likes and dislikes. He used to listen to one song (and used to make everyone listen to the same song) on loop for days until he got bored and well, I do the same. Every single time. 

Nobody chooses to be paranoid consciously. It happens when you experience events that you haven’t imagined in your wildest dreams. Life happens when you expect the least and it gets different kinds of normal when you are in chaos. Very illogical, I know. 

Hate-Love relationship?

I see my present and realize every time I use “kya hi rakha hai in sab mein” that 17 years old Aditi must be pretty disappointed in 23 years old (almost 24) Aditi, she was optimistic, she had plans, she wanted to do something big - she thought she could change the world, she never saw the negativity in the world, she must be feeling sad for 23 years old Aditi after seeing how little she has achieved and how silent she has become. She was loud and foolishly bold. 

But I am pretty sure 21 years old Aditi must be feeling proud of 23 years old Aditi. 21 years old Aditi never imagined in her wildest dreams that 23 years old Aditi could be this calm, could handle anxiety and life at the same, could write a newsletter (and share about herself publicly), could be bold again to try out whatever she wanna try, and that even though she doesn’t want to do something big, she has small dreams and she is actually living those dreams.

Just small efforts.

When I was a teenager, I didn’t know anything about adulting. To be honest, I just never cared. I was this person who would do whatever she would feel like and would find a way to validate herself without anyone’s help. A happy teen. A talkative teen. A naive teen. A “I don’t care about what you said” teen.

If you like reading my blog, share it with whoever you like. Take a lot of naps this year.