So why am I talking about this? I’m talking about this emotion because lately I’ve been personally experiencing some resentment and even jealous emotions toward someone that used to be close to me. I’ve had people be jealous of me before and it didn’t feel good. It felt like I couldn’t be my full authentic self. It felt like I had to hide and protect certain aspects of myself around certain people and it caused me to shrink. Having people of the past be jealous of me me to be paranoid about people becoming jealous of me. Sometimes I choose to fecaused ed off that energy while other times I dwell in it. But now that the roles are reversed this emotion inside of me feels misplaced. I’m aware of it, I’m not suppressing it, and I’m choosing not to judge it. Because I know that I’m feeling this emotion for a reason. It could be due to my lack of love toward myself, or my deep rooted insecurities of inadequacy and abandonment. But the point is I’m not feeling jealous for no reason.

I would say the first emotion I’m actually feeling is resentment. Resentment for being pushed to the back burner, resentment for being ignored, resentment for being treated differently, resentment for being overshadowed and overlooked, and resentment for waiting too late to address things. I would say that these feelings of deep resentment are causing me to be jealous. Jealous of the fact that this person has no idea how they affected me and they’re continuing to be blessed and well while I have to deal with these emotions of anger and sadness. The truth is I’m sad. I’m sad that this person doesn’t see the value in me, but I’m more angry at myself for allowing this person to make me feel a way about my own self-worth. This person has treated me a certain way because of my perceived status so now I feel like it is my duty and mission to prove a point to this person. A point that I do have value, that I am worthy, and that I am in fact even better than them. I’ve placed myself in secret competition with this person because this person chose not to see me for my authentic self and I allowed this person to make me question my authentic self.

So the real question is why do I care so much about this person’s opinion. I think the answer is because this person reminds me of my mother. And deep down I’m still that little girl trying to prove to my parents that I’m worthy and lovable. The truth is I’m still trying to prove that point to my parents through everyone I meet. I still feel unworthy and unloved due to my childhood. So this jealousy and resentment has been eating me up inside because I can’t stunt on my parents, I can’t stunt on the people who didn’t see my worth because I’m still struggling. I’m struggling with life and life has been hitting me hard.

Jealousy and resentment can last for years upon years, but my awareness is allowing me to slowly heal those parts of myself that are weak in that way.

So how do I plan to heal my jealousy and resentment?

Well the first step is…

1. Awareness

I’m aware of the fact that I feel these deep-seated emotions toward this person and I’m aware of how their actions affected me. Truthfully this emotion has nothing to do with me and this person and more so has to do with me and myself. So it is up to me to heal it, no one else.

The next step is…

2. Acceptance

I accept that I feel this emotion, and I accept how it’s affecting me. I don’t suppress or run from my emotions. I remain honest with myself because I know that being honest allows me to set myself free from any shame or confusion.

Th last step is…

3. Forgiveness

I would argue that this is the hardest step to move through. Because some days you’ll feel like you’ve forgiven that person and forgiven yourself and then other days you’ll find yourself upset all over again. The key is to forgive as many times as you need. Don’t judge yourself for needing more time, or needing another round of therapy. Instead observe the inner emotions, let them rise within you and then let them fall. Like a small wave moving through your body.

A bonus step you can take is removal, or confrontation.

You can choose to remove this person from your life because you realize that the relationship is not healthy or you can confront this person and tell them how you feel and how you’ve been feeling or you could simply heal on your own and continue the relationship without ever saying anything.

What you choose to do is completely up to you and whatever you choose is ok. There’s no best option, all that matters is that you remain truthful and fair to yourself.

Personally I feel like it is time to choose removal. Simply because I experienced how this person treated me because of my perceived status and pushed me to the side because I’m always the easy-going one. And although I can forgive this person, I don’t have to continue to put up with that energy or that behavior. So I trust myself to let this person go and make space for people who treat me with certainty and genuine love.

I wanna be his lover and his enemy. I’ve always been cautious of men trying to conquer me, but maybe I want to conquer them. Maybe I want them to submit to nothing but the words I speak. My lovers leave me scorn. So I watch from a distance and plan my next feast. My feast of hearts. Maybe I want his soul, and his spirit too. Many I want to play the field the same way that they do.

I promise I’m not evil or bitter, just a little tampered with. My temperature is hot but it burns cold for you. Waiting in the distance until you learn to love me the way I do. I promise I’m not weak or broken. Just a little rageful like the wind.

I don’t need another escape or a lonely adventure- more of a cure for this unwanted heart. My scars turn red in the night, like lava on a volcano. I NEED to be seen.

My appetite is fierce but only for the ones who play- only for the ones that smile at the sight of my face and jump at the sound of my whispers. My appetite is strong, but only for the ones who know the answer to my hardest riddles.

I like to devour men… yes I do… so all my dreams of love and lust can come true.

But maybe we’re supposed to settle on the best parts of someone, I mean no one is perfect… and he makes me feel special. Is that enough? I often tell myself that love doesn’t always last forever. Yes we can love each other through different people and different lifetimes but the love always changes… it never stays the same. In this season of my life, I have a lover who brings out my inner-child. He allows me to dance, he allows me to be me, he allows me to be free. There’s no glitz and there’s no glamour… only honestly and genuine hearts. Is that enough? Is that enough to stay sane, to stay sacred?

I often ask myself “Am I in love?” I say “I love you.” But do I really mean it. Maybe my outlook on love is just jaded like everyone else, maybe I’ve succumbed to the mediocracy of marriage, house, kids, retire, die. But that doesn’t feel like freedom to me… and I need my freedom. I would die for my freedom. His love feels like freedom, but there’s still something missing… and I’m searching for it in every man I cross paths with. The sex is good, the romance is there, the conversation is stimulating, the intimacy is truthful. I just don’t know where I’m going… like where is he leading me? Closer to myself… closer to the truth… or deeper into an illusion. Where am I leading myself? Closer to him… closer to myself… or closer to bypassing? In due time I know the truth will be revealed, but in the meantime I must settle in the dust of my past lovers that left me barren.

I still have my gifts, I still have my heart… but I feel my outlook on love has been crucified. I don’t want marriage… I don’t even know if I want kids, I think the little girl in me just wants to feel wanted… and that is enough for her. But what is enough for me? Commitment? Duty? Honor? Loyalty?

I honestly don’t know, I shape-shift so often I’m beginning to forget my face. All I know is I won’t let this love go to waste. All this love I have in my heart I shall give it to myself and then give it to him. I choose to devote myself to me, so I could be free. And once I’m free I shall give him the key.

But there’s something I never considered… what if he feels like he’s settling for me? What if my magic isn’t even enough to make him sweat. What if my tears just make him laugh. I can’t grieve any longer the men who left me to sit in my own filth. I can only move onto the next and hope they don’t pick up on my scent. The subtle linger of denial and performance. The lingering scent of sorrow and judgement. Judgement over my looks, my behavior, my lust, my shame. Maybe when he looks at me he’s hoping to see someone else. Loving his former lover through me- hoping I don’t pick up on the distance.

I guess we all have skeletons to hide. And If I keep mine contained I can’t expect him to spill his. So I guess we’ll just simmer in the mist of avoidance until we can bare to look each other in the eyes. I guess we’ll just settle on each other until each other is enough. Is that love? Or is that just a curse? Either way I know it’s going to hurt.

Success can bring resentment. Yes from other people, but it can also bring resentment from yourself. This kind of resentment isn’t something you can just shake, oftentimes you’re going to be forced to sit and feel the pain, the shame, the discomfort, and the sorrow that comes with resenting others.

It’s easy when you haven’t accomplished nothing. No one is expecting anything from you, and no one is closely watching you. Once you’ve started to acquire a certain level of success for people to see, all of a sudden people what to be apart of what you’re building. And this can bring a lot of resentment. Because where were these people when you were suffering, when you were crying yourself to sleep at night, having suicidal thoughts, feeling lost and disconnected. These people were nowhere to be found, but now that other people like what you have going on all of a sudden they want to be in the picture.

Lately I’ve been dealing with this. Social media success especially causes you to be seen by an audience. And when every accomplishment you have is for the world to see it becomes extremely hard to win in silence.

I’ve found myself being resentful of past friends and even family members because it feels like they didn’t really believe in me, or they treated me differently because I wasn’t on this perceived “level.” And people have been exposing themselves so quick. Its hard to notice your “friend” supporting her other friends every posts… but when it comes to you it’s crickets or a couple heart emojis. Like idk maybe I’m just sensitive to these types of things, but I can’t help it because I notice everything. I notice when I’m being ignored, or pushed to the side, or not invited, or not considered. And I guess having success is the ultimate test of your relationships because it exposes people’s hands so quickly. And I guess all we can do is be grateful for that, but it still hurts. It feels like betrayal. It feels like being gaslighted.

Some people will stick around just incase you suceeed, but they never really truly supported or believed in you. I had to come to terms with this ego death. That this is just how humans are. People won’t support you until everyone else is supporting you. The majority will stay silent until everyone is cheering you on. You can’t take it personal you just have to accept that this is how it is with everything. Humans are social creatures and we like to like the same things. This is why its so easy for trends to catch on so quickly. Because we all want to feel connected. So why would someone support you if no one else is? Seriously you have to ask yourself these questions. Why should someone follow you? Why should someone support you? Why should they be the first ones to tap like?

Some people are trendsetters and originators but most people are simply followers. This is how we’re wired. So honestly before you cause yourself anymore resentment and hurt (myself included) consider this. You have to give people a reason to support you. This is just what comes with the human experience. And yes it’s going to hurt that your friends and family don’t support you, I’m not saying that you’re not still going to feel that pain. But what I am saying is that once you get through that hurt you realize that you never truly needed their support anyway, all you really needed was your faith and yourself. That’s it.

We have no time or energy to waste on the people that are not supporting our success or supporting us through our failures. The human experience is a lonely one, and you just have to accept that if success is what you truly desire you will experience this. Its unavoidable. But it doesn’t last forever.

Success doesn’t always come with resentment, but when it does don’t judge yourself for it. Observe your feelings and honor them, realize that they are perfectly ok, and you are human.

It happens.

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I feel like there was a time in my life where I didn’t know myself. Where I was clinging onto all the opinions and perceptions of others to try to see myself. Where I was building my self image based off of the descriptions in other people’s minds.

I’m past that. I learned to let go of all the projections, opinions, and views from other people’s minds. Now these things just brush off me like water on a raincoat. But what lingers is the self-concept I’ve built… but what if I want to be different? What if I’m ready to be different?

Self-identity is a real thing. And the way we choose to view ourselves shapes how we show up and exist in this world. It shapes our dislikes and likes, the risk we’re willing to take, the people we attract, the mindsets we carry. It literally shapes our reality. And you build your reality based on your self-concept.

So who do I want to be? Do I want to be the girl that I’ve grown to be… the girl that I’ve built due to trauma, shame, social media, heartbreak, and my past. Or do I want to build a different character?

Is her favorite color still yellow? Or has she gone back to her roots of red. Is she still quiet and shy, or does she take up space and command the room?

I feel like it’s so easy to remain being the person you’ve always been. Especially if you never move cities, you never try anything new, and you stay around the same people.

Some people have built their lives up from scratch again and again. And each life has required them to be a different version of themselves. Some seasons may have required them to be ratchet and rambunctious, while other seasons have required them to be relaxed and Zen. Every season will call for something different.

But what If I’ve been writing this chapter for a while… and I’m tired. I’m tired of being the girl that’s on standby. Waiting for her acknowledgement, waiting for her recognition. I know I’m gifted, and I know I’m that girl. But the void of unworthiness never gets satisfied because it’s being fed through other people.

I think its time to be different. It’s time to let go of my past self. The self I’ve built off of survival… the self I’ve built off of fear. It’s time to raise into my most embodied, authentic version of me. It’s time to free myself. I’m ready to be different… and I’m sure you are too.

So here’s what we’re going to do…

Were going to write down 1) everything that we love about ourselves, 2) everything we hate about ourselves, 3) our most ideal self-image (her wants & desires, her career, her characteristics, her personality, her standards) 4) who we are in comparison to her (where we’re lacking, what we have mastered, similarities & differences) 5) how we’re going to get there (the steps we plan to take, the decisions we plan to make, the risk we’re willing to take for her.)

You can do this exercise at you own leisure before going to bed or first thing when you wake up. This is important because it’s not enough just to say “We’re ready to be different.” We have to have a vision and intention because otherwise we’ll just get confused and we’ll end up accepting any and everything.

There are seasons of our lives that are meant for living and seasons meant for reflecting on that living. Before you go out and live out the new version of yourself it’s important to reflect on the old version. Because you’ll still carry that old version of yourself with you regardless. She still lives within you… just not in the present, and not at the center. Develop your inner observant and observe yourself. Look in the mirror, record voice memos, write your old journal entries. Take a look at who you’ve been at a bird’s eye view and reflect on where this person has taken you and what this person has been through. Heaven and hell, all of it needs to be acknowledged.

And when you’re ready to be different, don’t look back and walk in that decision, I promise it will be worth it.

I can’t stomach the pain of rejection and phony lullabies.

My secrets are safe but my body is exposed.

To the rivers that run dry between my legs and the sensations between my toes

I’m 24 and still can’t stand up for my pleasure.

Connecting though eye contact but looking away when we lay together.

I’m touched by man who doesn’t seem to listen.

To the whispers of my skin.

So I ask can he be forgiven.

We made love for the first time, but it didn’t feel like love we were making. He turned me around and told me to bend over. I always feel like when they choose this position it means I’m not pretty enough.

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This world has so many people wrapped in their material successes versus their spiritual successes that they become so far away from God that they start treating the prophets like peasants.

I believe that once you acquire a certain amount of money or status in an artificial way you become blind and locked out to the heavens in the land of the living. This is in no way demonizing having money or status, but we have to remember the world we’re living in. The matrix is sustained through convenience and self-exploitation like my mentor says. Many people have chosen to sell their souls to their jobs or the relief they get when they get off work and they can indulge in ice cream and a movie. Most people aren’t dreaming, visualizing, or being intentional. Most people are living on autopilot because that is the contract they signed in order to maintain the things they have. They have the car, the house, the job, the friends, the marriage, yet still something's missing. They put their material desires before their living desires (if they had any to begin with.) And then they begin to treat those that took the harder route like they are the lazy cowards that they mask themselves from.

It might take a little longer for you to acquire your material wealth if you have integrity. It might take you multiple lifetimes to learn the rules of the matrix if you’re used to the land of the living. We shouldn’t judge those that appear to be less fortunate or in lesser status positions than we are. You should treat everyone like you would treat yourself because you are simply the living reflection of your world. You disrespect people and belittle people, probably because deep down somewhere along the lines you disrespected and belittled yourself. Superiority complexes often stem from insecurities. No amount of money, fame, or status can replace your true feelings toward yourself. And if you don’t see yourself as worthy you will begin to treat everyone around you like how you feel about yourself.

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And this is where the truth becomes hard, because you know that you want to be with this person but there’s still a barrier between you two. A wall that will only come down if you’re being raw and honest with this person. But is that even our responsibility? I think as women we’re used to being pursed by partners we’re not attracted to, but when you find that instant connection and chemistry with someone, you don’t want to let it go.

We have to remember that we are creatures of habit and pattern, but you don’t want to become their habit nor their pattern. You don’t want to become someone’s routine. For example they call you everyday because they’ve been doing it for years versus they call you everyday because they want to hear from you. There’s a significant difference. The difference is comfortability and effort.

When we appreciate something we appreciate it because of what it gave us, the time it took for us to get it, or the impact it had on us. Take this and apply it to relationships. Naturally we don’t yearn for and appreciate the people we see everyday 24/7 because we see them… everyday 24/7. So despite you wanting to be all-over this man or woman in zero point 2 seconds. I think it’s best to slow down and really give yourself time to be present with this person. I’m not saying play hard to get. All I’m saying is to be careful with your access and don’t lose yourself trying to learn someone else.

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And you think that he is all you know.

You must search for truth,

And let the lie go.

You must possess a heart that leaves,

At the first sign of mockery, at the first signal of disbelief.

The chambers of your heart are aligned with,

the melodies of your soul.

So forgiveness is all that you need to write,

it is all that you need to know.

But don’t be a fool for pleasure,

When there’s heaven on the other side.

When there’s waterfalls of gratitude,

and waters that reside.

I think you know your worth,

but your heart as been hurt.

So you bend to his sword,

while your lips are left dry.

So you ache at his feet,

while he makes you wither and cry.

I don’t believe in self-sacrifice,

just for an artificial love.

When there’s angels that love you,

and gardens of life up above.

So look to the sky in your mind,

And listen to the rhythm of your heart.

Remember this is all temporary,

remember the lost art.

I’ve been like this since I was a child. I refuse to fill empty space with clutter and noise. I’d rather just leave the canvas blank. I think there’s something very intimate about being able to sit in silence with someone. The ability to just be in their presence without interrogating their mind. Sometimes people just don’t want to talk. Talking is healthy but it isn’t always necessary. Sometimes body language and presence speaks enough.

For the first time I’m writing as I have nothing to say. Just letting the words pour out of my subconscious. No point needing to be made, no story needing to be acknowledged, no guide needing to be sold. I’m just simply here, choosing to show up even when there’s not benefit. No script, no motive, no plan. It’s important to give these crevices of your mind space. The parts of you that are not fueled by the ego or money or validation or relatability. The parts of you that just want there to be space; space to hold, space to be, space to exist.

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When we have nothing to say that is proof that we’ve been honoring our voice. It’s proof that we are decluttered. Proof that we have released the residues that needed to be felt and heard. When we have nothing to say that is proof that we are honoring the void. The void that often comes right before a breakthrough or a major shift or epiphany.

You don’t always need to have something to say. You don’t always have to have an opinion. I give you permission to just be the observed for a while. To just be the space between nothingness and everything. I give you permission to just be a place of rest. Rest for your mind, rest for your heart, and rest for your body. Sometimes the best language is the subtle energies that we often ignore. Sometimes the best language is not saying anything at all.

Writing when you have nothing to say is special. It’s special because it requires an innate trust in yourself; knowing that you will arrive to wherever you’re trying to go. Giving space to the parts of you that might not be that “important,” or “urgent.” Space for the void too, because ironically the void is something too.

Honor yourself when you have nothing to say. Don’t force it, just let it be. The only opposition to your silence is you and the things you allow.

It takes a strong heart to face their shadows. Because you’re more than likely not going to like what you see. The insecurities, the people pleasing, the selfishness. It’s all blocking you from your desired reality. Many people’s shadow work nowadays is journaling prompts and reflections. And you can do all those things but the real shadow work is in your everyday ordinary life. What are you avoiding? Why are you still in that relationship knowing that he’s draining the life out of you. The real shadow work is making a conscious effort to free yourself from anything that is suppressing and deluding you. Real shadow work starts with honesty. Getting very honest with yourself about your current reality and how you got there. The real shadow work starts with not only asking those hard questions, but integrating them into your everyday life. Why do you people please so much?

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What are your eating habits?

How often do you move your body?

How often do you engage in sex?

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Were taught to lose ourselves in our partner. Become so wrapped up in them- so intertwined with their worlds that we completely abandon ourselves.

You can decenter men all you want, do the journal prompts, read the books- you can do all the things and still surrender yourself to a man. Because once we find that one that we would risk it all for, we have a hard time remaining on earth. Why is that? Are we designed to be this way? Designed to hold the capacity of a man before we hold the capacity of ourselves.

And I love him, I want the best for him. I want to see him grow and flourish. I want to see him rise, maybe even more than I want to see myself rise. But why? What betrayal in my heart still lives, causing me to mirror my mom’s mistakes? Causing me to self-sacrifice until I’m withered and depleted. And I’d be happy to fall, because falling means I’m real. Falling means I’m alive. Falling means I won’t land, it means I’ll be floating free. And if the anchor that anchors me sets me free, then I’ll just let it be.

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Although all of these things are appetizing so many of us are shamed for desiring these very things and more.

It’s time to heal the shame and step into the best, most authentic version of ourselves.

Whether you’re looking for a remedy to the pain you’ve been carrying in your nervous system for years, or your just trying to get a better sense of who you are looking to become as a woman I hope this guide finds you well.

Let this be the beginning of your initiation to the chapters of your most authentic self on your most aligned pathway.

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1. Did you or do you watch porn?

2. Were you ever sexually abused, raped, molested?

3. Have you ever put your hands on a past partner?

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We get the locs, stop wearing the wigs and makeup, wear the beads and crystals, carry tote bags, and use incense… but we’re not going through our full initiations. We’re still in avoidance, still seeking validation. The whole entire spiritual journey just begins to become a performance, another mask created to hide the pain of isolation.

You say now that you’re conscious you don’t have any friends, you had to cut everybody off and now you stay in the house and meditate all day. And a certain period of your life may call for that, but we’re meant to be socialable people. We’re meant to connect, and interface with each other. You cannot have a spiritual evolution without other people. After you’ve done all the spiritual work and fought all your demons, you’re then supposed to go back out into the world to learn yourself again. Interact with people, notice how you’re being treated, how you treat others. Did you really evolve or is it just another mask.

I think we become so wrapped up in how a thing looks or how a thing feels that we completely miss the mark of what it actually is. You can be on this high vibration and still be avoidant. You can be vegan, eat all the fruits and vegetables and still be a living parasite. It’s about what’s inside of you, not on you.

This is why I feel the most “spiritual” people don’t even look very spiritual. Profits are walking around everywhere looking like ordinary everyday people.

Yes it’s cool to accept the way you look and love your hair, but that doesn’t make you more spiritual than someone else.

Don’t allow time to pass you by because you think you’ve reached this certain level that there’s no more skin to shed. No more initiations to go through, no more demons to face. We should be constantly evolving, whether you consider yourself to be spiritual or not. The evolution is within. The real work is within. And before you go and by another crystal ask yourself “do I even like myself currently as I am.”

ICE is just unfortunately another tactic America is trying to play to save itself. But what’s interesting is that it is indeed balancing the scales of nature. So many illegal immigrants work jobs that no one else wants to work for pay that natives would not accept. Immigrants contribute so much to the economy and livelihood of America. The government and powers that be think that by getting rid of the immigrants they are protecting this nation when really they are only inviting a quicker collapse.

Yes, it is tragic to see people being stripped from their homes and jobs without any support or empathy and being sent off to the very country that they were trying to leave.

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I love being witnessed. I love being asked questions about myself, my habits, my insecurities. I love being looked at with eyes of wonder and with an open heart. I love the feeling of being explored. I love when someone finds me interesting… intriguing.

I love myself so much that I love the feeling of someone loving me. It makes me feel validated. It makes me feel vindicated. Vindicated from all the times I was ignored, or discarded. All the times I was abandoned or misunderstood.

But of course I’m a walking contradiction. Because I love the feeling of being witnessed, but I also love being misunderstood. Misunderstood by the man who could never reach my mind. Misunderstood by the girl who’s too shallow to look herself in the mirror. I love being a mystery to people who could never discern my deepness. I love being a mystery to those who are unaware, blind, and dead. It’s like I’m a secret code that only the alive and chosen can interpret. I’m a holy script that only the magical can read.

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I love being witnessed by the ones who listen, the ones who see, the ones who know. I love being witnessed by other beings of truth. I love being witnessed by those who know themselves, those who remember.

I didn’t come here to be understood and appreciated by everyone. And it took me a long time to accept that. I didn’t come here to be held by all. I came here to be held by myself and the ones who can bare my light.

I want to remain a mystery to the unawaken-ed and the unaware. I want to remain a mystery to those that would mishandle me. I don’t need everyone to witness my beauty. I don’t need everything to understand my mind. I don’t need everyone to care for my garden. I am the tender, I am the creator, I am the designer. I choose to create my home for those who respect my walls. Those that take their shoes off before entering. Those that bring offerings at the door.

I am not here for everyone. I am only to be witnessed by those that have surrendered. Not to me, but to the truth.

Yes, I love being witnessed, but if the eyes that see, can no longer handle me than I will tear down every piece. Destroy all the evidence. And build myself back up for those that have walked through the illusion. The void of innocence, the void of knowing. I am not for everyone. Only for those that listen to the whispers of the earth. And hear the call of the forbidden.