Inside, she explores:

• Gentle parenting: what Albiona genuinely likes about it, where it tends to go sideways in practice, and why over-explaining often makes defiance worse instead of better

• Attachment theory: why it can leave parents burned out, how to take what works without adopting the whole framework, and what she looks for before bringing any guest into this space

• Strong-willed, defiant, highly sensitive, big feeler — what these labels actually mean, why Albiona thinks all kids are deeply feeling, and what to ask instead of reaching for a term

Connect with Albiona:

• Book a Free Discovery Call (1:1 Coaching) — https://www.theparentingreframe.com/coaching

• Follow Albiona on Instagram — @theparentingreframe

• Join Albiona’s Paid Substack Community —

The Parenting & Life Reframe

The Parenting & Life Reframe offers tools and insights for navigating parenting and life's challenges with openness and curiosity. It focuses on inner growth, reframing perspectives, and developing emotion regulation skills for you and your child.

By Albiona M. Rakipi

• Email Albiona directly — albiona@theparentingreframe.com

Loved this episode?

Rate, review, and share with a parent who’s drowning in parenting approaches and doesn’t know which one to trust. Sometimes the answer is simpler than the label.

Until next time,

Albiona 🤎

A Quick Announcement

Mark your calendars! I’m going LIVE with Dr. Shefali on September 15th at 3 PM EST.

We’ll be talking about her new books—which I genuinely could not put down—and diving into some of the ideas that stayed with me long after I finished reading.

More details to come, but for now, save the date: September 15th at 3 PM EST.

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This week, there were three insights that stopped me and had me go, hmm, where and how is this showing up for me?

Whether in parenting or in life—personally, I don’t think you can separate the two—these insights can help cut through the noise and bring you back to what really matters.

A Reframe on Challenges

When I’m presented with a challenge, my knee-jerk reaction is to either freeze or avoid it altogether. In some ways, the freeze response can be useful. It’s taking a second to pause. The problem is when I stay frozen for too long. Inaction becomes the result because I just don’t know what to do.

I’ve noticed this pattern, and I realize that it’s a hindrance—a block, some would say. It keeps me stuck and afraid to face the challenge head-on.

But as my wise friend said to me this week, maybe I need to start following my own advice.

If you’ve been with me for a minute, you know I always say: the only way is through.

Whether you’re in a parenting struggle or facing a personal challenge, the only way to resolve it is to go through it. We can’t avoid the hard thing.

So I’m noticing where I freeze and, instead, listening to my own advice. I’m going through—scared and all.

This week in yoga, we were holding a challenging pose when the instructor said, Instead of looking at this as a challenge, see it as an invitation to release something.

That’s what challenges ask of us.

In my case, my freeze response is rooted in fear of doing the wrong thing. Making a mistake. Appearing imperfect.

But what if, instead, the challenge is asking: What can I release?

It’s almost always a limiting belief or fear that’s asking to be released.

Seeing a challenge as an invitation to release has shifted the entire process for me.

Our Environment Matters

I finally got around to reading Atomic Habits by James Clear. Yes, I realize I’m very late to the party.

I enjoyed the book, and I think if you’re someone who appreciates practical tools for shifting your habits, you will enjoy it. It’s filled with great stories and research, and much of Clear’s work is rooted in the principles of behavioral learning, which I am very familiar with.

In the book, he talks about our environment and how it can influence our habits. This is the line that got me:

“Environment is the invisible hand that shapes human behavior.”

We don’t always think about how important our environment is or how much it affects our disposition every day.

For example, if you live in a home that feels disorganized, cluttered, and chaotic, you may begin to feel that same way internally.

If you’re a parent, you already know your child’s environment matters. We create rooms that encourage sleep or spaces that invite play and creativity. We change the environment when we want to support different behaviors. But we don’t always think about doing the same for ourselves.

For my environment, simplicity is top of mind. I like minimal spaces that don’t feel cluttered. I have a very small wardrobe, and I put almost nothing in storage. When things start to feel too cluttered, I feel dysregulated.

For some, clutter might not bother you at all. But consider what in your environment causes you to feel dysregulated, bothered, or agitated.

Then work to resolve it, because it may have more of an impact on you than you realize.

The Serenity Prayer

The last insight is one that many of you have likely come across before. It’s the Serenity Prayer.

It popped up on my social media this week, and I was immediately grateful that it did.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change what can be changed,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I say this to myself every morning.

It reminds me to release the need to control, to fix, to make better. My tendency has always been to be the solver—not just for myself, but for others.

But every time we deny someone their pain, we take away a valuable aspect of their journey.

Release that which you cannot change. It’s energy wasted.

The courage to change what can be changed is important, too. Because change is hard. You will need courage.

And the wisdom to know the difference might be the most critical part of all.

This is the prayer that, when I feel bothered or consumed by something, brings me back to balance. I’m steadier, and suddenly the racing thoughts slow down. I can breathe, and the present moment returns.

The overthinking stops, and I can discern what is mine to carry and what is mine to release.

Parents believe they can control or force the outcome they want. You can’t.

People believe they can force others to change. You can’t—and you shouldn’t want to.

Parents see a challenge as a reflection of their parenting. It’s not.

People hope that if something changes on the outside, they will feel happier, so they wait. But you won’t feel happier until you do the inner work.

And when things go wrong, if you’re like me, you double down on control. We do this out of fear.

This is when you remember: the challenge is there asking you to release, not to cling.

This week reminded me that wisdom is often discovered in the simplest moments. In the moments when you read something or hear something and think, Yes. I knew that.

Maybe wisdom isn’t always about discovering something new out there.

Maybe it’s about remembering what we already know.

Love always,
Albiona

Inside, she explores:

• How to actually pause when you’re already activated — the somatic tools and breathing technique Albiona uses herself, including why the exhale matters more than the inhale

• Why telling yourself “I won’t yell today” keeps failing — the two real reasons parents overreact and what actually interrupts the pattern

• Back-to-school anxiety and transitions: how to help kids who dread the change, the difference between a transition problem and a frustration tolerance problem, and how to sequence routines so you’re not setting yourself up to fight every afternoon

Connect with Albiona:

• Book a Free Discovery Call (1:1 Coaching) — https://www.theparentingreframe.com/coaching

• Follow Albiona on Instagram — @theparentingreframe

• Join Albiona’s Paid Substack Community —

The Parenting & Life Reframe

The Parenting & Life Reframe offers tools and insights for navigating parenting and life's challenges with openness and curiosity. It focuses on inner growth, reframing perspectives, and developing emotion regulation skills for you and your child.

By Albiona M. Rakipi

• Email Albiona directly — albiona@theparentingreframe.com

Loved this episode?

Rate, review, and share with a parent heading into back-to-school season running on fumes. Part 2 is coming.

Until next time,

Albiona 🤎

I recently posted on social media that I plan to share more content in addition to the parenting content you know me for. This may not seem like a big deal, but I was really afraid to say it out loud. My fears sounded something like this:

If you’re not constantly sharing about parenting, people will leave.

You can only speak on topics where you hold expertise.

People only want parenting support. Stay in your lane.

Your business will suffer if you confuse your audience.

When I shared the post, many people, especially those close to me, loved it. They expressed support and excitement around the idea that I’ll share more.

Thus far, that’s exactly what Substack has been for me (hence the name The Parenting and Life Reframe). A space for me to step out of my self-imposed box—or cage—and share from the heart.

But over in the world of TikTok, every time I share something that’s not specific to solving a parenting problem, my views drop and engagement is almost nonexistent.

The Gremlins—these are the voices in our heads that usually try to keep us small and afraid, so we resist growing and taking chances—immediately started chirping.

See, you’re confusing your audience. No one cares about the brands you like or the insights you find grounding or helpful.

When the Gremlins attack, I look for evidence to support their claims.

For example, I follow a breathwork practitioner on TikTok who I love. She always shares quick breathwork practices on her page, and I genuinely find them so helpful. She recently shared that she’ll start posting more than just breathing exercises. My investigative skills took over, and I searched her profile to see how these newer posts performed. Those videos got little to no engagement.

I also follow a chef who started off creating videos about the meals he prepares for the family he works for as a private chef. I love his videos and his recipes. When he departed from this format—the meals he prepares each day—his engagement also dropped.

It left me wondering: Why do we box ourselves in? And why do we box others in?

And we do this in parenting, too. We build boxes around what it means to be a “good” mom or dad. I should be more patient. I should enjoy this more. I should be able to handle this. We build boxes around our kids, too. My child should behave this way. They should make these choices. Their path should look the way I imagined it would. And without realizing it, we can start measuring ourselves—and our children—against the walls of a box we created.

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The people who inspire me have so much wisdom and so many gifts to share. They don’t tell themselves, I can only share on this one topic because it’s what I’m degreed in. They show up freely and honestly. They impart their wisdom and don’t require permission. It’s refreshing.

I was talking to an old acquaintance recently, and he said, “Oh, you’re an influencer.”

I was immediately taken aback. “No, that’s not what I am,” I said.

Then I was telling a friend about this idea of being an influencer, and she asked, “Why can’t you own that? You influence people with your voice and writing. We all influence people in one way or another. Take the shadow out of that word. Stand in your truth and allow your influence to be aligned. Don’t hide.”

Then I had a session with my good friend and medium, Jenn Tilton. She’s fantastic. And she told me I’m overcomplicating it.

Share simple things, she said. Let people in; that’s the ask. Stop hiding inside the box you created (aka, parenting expert). People don’t box us in; we do.

She’s right.

I kept looking for proof that if I stepped outside of the box I created, no one would like me. My so-called proof confirmed my fears, and the loop continued.

Once I saw this—that I was the one perpetuating this narrative—I couldn’t unsee it.

Even as I write this, I want someone to give me permission and say, It’s okay to share the wisdom you carry. It’s okay to talk about insights that helped you shift your perspective. It’s okay to talk about how you practice living a soul-led life. It’s okay for your work to live at the intersection of parenting and life.

When I noticed myself getting in the way and hesitating every time I went to share or create something that didn’t necessarily fall under the parenting umbrella, I paused.

Yes, this is where PARR is useful in all aspects of our lives.

I acknowledged that this feels uncomfortable and that I feel vulnerable. Then I responded and took aligned action. Do the thing that feels scary, I said. It’s a need.

As I reflected, the last step in PARR, I could see how I was letting this false narrative govern my decisions. The story that if I share beyond what I’m known for, people will leave. That I’m not safe to express these parts of myself.

The more I share—and it’s still a work in progress—the easier it gets. The Gremlins get quieter, and the process feels easier. I can spot the story, and because I can spot it, I’m no longer as reactive to it.

I also realized something else: When we are in the throes of fear, we can’t always trust what we see.

In my case, when I look now at the two creators who seemed boxed in, I was actually wrong about what happened when they shared more. Once I looked a little deeper, I found that they gained a more aligned audience and, over time, their engagement grew.

When I interviewed Judith Curr (the celebrated president and publisher of HarperOne, who recently retired) about creativity and parenting our ideas, she shared an interesting insight. She said people often come to her with ideas and say things like, “Let’s think outside the box.” Her reply is: If we’re always encouraging people to think outside the box, maybe we should build better boxes.

Maybe I, too, need to build a better box.

One that says I don’t have to overthink and second-guess everything. One that listens to my gut and allows me to share the insights that feel like they need to be shared.

Perhaps my box needs to expand, which means there will inevitably be growing pains. But pain and discomfort aren’t meant to be avoided. They’re meant to be confronted with love.

Maybe my box needs to be made of a flexible, fluid material that stays adaptable and reminds me: It’s okay to grow. It’s okay to change. And as you do, you’ll keep building a better box.

Where in your life have you boxed yourself in? Where and how can you build a better box?

Love always,

Albiona

Thank you for tuning in!

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A quick coaching note: Before we get to this week’s newsletter, I wanted to send a quick update about coaching. Many have asked, so I am sharing here. My coaching calendar is currently full, and I’ll be opening just a few spots in September. If you’ve been thinking about working together, you can book a free discovery call here to see if it's a good fit.

When we think about boundaries, most of us think about saying no.

We picture turning down an invitation, protecting our calendar, or telling someone that something doesn’t work for us. Those are important boundaries, and truthfully, I don’t struggle much with them. I’m comfortable saying, “I’m unavailable,” or “I can’t make that work.” I’ve learned to protect my time, and I don’t carry much guilt around doing it. The place I’ve realized I still have work to do is somewhere much quieter.

Energetic boundaries.

I didn’t really have language for this until recently. I just knew that when someone I loved was going through something difficult, I went through it too. If one of my kids was struggling, if a close friend was hurting, or if a family member was carrying something heavy, I could feel it in my own body almost immediately. My nervous system shifted. My mind started searching for answers. I found myself wanting to make it better as quickly as possible.

At first, I thought that was simply compassion. But I’ve started wondering if there are times when what feels like compassion is actually something else. Sometimes, I think it’s our discomfort with watching someone we love struggle.

When that happens, we rush to fix, reassure, rescue, or solve—not necessarily because it’s what the other person needs, but because it helps relieve the discomfort we feel as we witness their pain.

That realization changed something for me. I’ve begun thinking about energetic boundaries as the ability to stay deeply connected to someone without unconsciously taking on their experience as my own.

For me, it starts with acknowledging something that’s simply true about who I am: I have a sensitive nervous system. I absorb other people’s emotions quickly, especially when I love them. I don’t see that as a flaw. It’s one of the reasons I connect so deeply with people. But sensitivity without boundaries eventually becomes overwhelm.

The second shift has been asking myself a simple question whenever I notice myself getting pulled into someone else’s emotional experience:

How am I here to serve this person?

Because the answer is almost never by becoming as dysregulated as they are.

If their fear becomes my fear, or their anxiety becomes my anxiety, I’ve lost my ability to be the steady presence they’re looking for. The support they need isn’t another overwhelmed person standing beside them. They need someone who can remain grounded enough to hold space while they find their footing.

As parents, we do this all the time. We mistake carrying our child’s emotions for supporting them. But our children don’t need us to join them in their fear. They need us to become the calm place they can return to. The same is true for the people we love outside of parenting. Our steadiness is often far more healing than our solutions.

Sometimes that means I literally visualize protecting my own energy. I’ll imagine a gentle force field around me—not to keep people out, but to remind myself that I can witness someone’s experience without absorbing it.

Other times, I’ll notice myself becoming emotionally flooded and simply step away for a minute. I’ll get a drink of water, take a few breaths, or walk into another room before coming back. Not because I’m avoiding the situation, but because I’m resetting my own nervous system so I can return with intention instead of reaction.

I’ve also started paying attention to my first instinct when someone I love is struggling. Do I immediately want to fix it? Solve it? Convince them everything will be okay? Those impulses aren’t wrong. Most of them are born from love. But they also tell me something about where my own nervous system is.

The more I practice staying regulated instead of reacting, the more I trust that I’ll know what to say when it’s actually time to speak. I don’t have to rush into the discomfort. I don’t have to fill the silence. I don’t have to make their experience disappear.

Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer another person is simply our steady presence.

I’ve realized that energetic boundaries aren’t about caring less.

They’re about caring without carrying.

It’s allowing someone else’s experience to belong to them while remaining fully available to walk beside them.

Ironically, the more I’ve learned to protect my own energy, the more present I’ve become for the people I love. Not because I feel less, but because I’m no longer asking my nervous system to hold what was never mine to carry.

Love always,

Albiona

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Neha Ruch left a Stanford MBA and a dream job in brand marketing to make more room for motherhood — and instead of quietly disappearing from the conversation, she built an entirely new one. The Power Pause is the book she wrote for every mother who wants to pause, shift, or step back from a career and do it without guilt, without losing her identity, and without having to pick a side.

Inside, they explore:

→ Why “what do you do?” has become a proxy for “who are you?” — and how to reclaim your identity when the answer to that question changes

→ The power pause reframe: why stepping back from a career isn’t a loss of ambition — it’s a redesign, and how to own that story confidently

→ The mommy wars, where they came from, and why the research shows children thrive equally in both scenarios — what actually matters is a happy and healthy parent

→ How to have the money conversations before a career pause, what to budget for, and how to make sure both partners feel equally valued during a season of unpaid caregiving

→ Why your career isn’t linear — how to audit the experiences you’re accumulating right now and build them into a career story that’s more expansive, not less

About Neha Ruch:

Neha Ruch is the founder of Mother Untitled and author of The Power Pause, a guide for ambitious women navigating career breaks, career shifts, and the decision to make more room for family life. Her work sits at the intersection of identity, ambition, and modern motherhood — without judgment, and without telling you which choice is right.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

→ Get The Power Pause by Neha Ruch

→ Visit Mother Untitled — motheruntitled.com

Connect with Albiona:

→ Book a Free Discovery Call (1:1 Coaching) — https://www.theparentingreframe.com/coaching

→ Follow Albiona on Instagram — @theparentingreframe

→ Join Albiona’s Paid Substack Community —

The Parenting & Life Reframe

The Parenting & Life Reframe offers tools and insights for navigating parenting and life's challenges with openness and curiosity. It focuses on inner growth, reframing perspectives, and developing emotion regulation skills for you and your child.

By Albiona M. Rakipi

→ Email Albiona directly — albiona@theparentingreframe.com

Loved this episode?

Please rate, review, and share this one with a mother who’s in the middle of figuring out what comes next — whether she’s considering a pause, already in one, or trying to find her footing on the other side. This conversation was made for her.

Until next time,

Albiona 🤎

A little over two years ago, I left my full-time job at Kaufman Children’s Center. I loved working there and was blessed to work alongside incredibly kind and brilliant people. I learned so much during those years, and when the intuitive nudges started coming in, telling me it was time to grow something else, I was sad to leave.

Once I stepped into entrepreneurship, what I didn’t foresee was how challenging it would be to answer the simplest question: What do you do? When we work in conventional roles, the answer is easy. In fact, if you’re anything like me, it’s easy to hide behind our degrees or titles.

If someone had asked me years ago what I did, I would have gladly said, “I’m a speech-language pathologist, and I work in pediatrics at an outpatient center.” When I was teaching, it was just as simple. “I’m a teacher.” “I’m a preschool director.”

Now when someone asks, I say I’m a parent coach and a life coach.

Blank stares.

“What does that mean?”

I usually explain that I help parents reframe everyday challenges so they can connect more deeply with their children and parent with greater confidence. Then I explain that I help people break free from patterns that keep them stuck so they can create lives that feel more aligned, peaceful, and meaningful.

Some people understand immediately.

Others don’t.

And I’ve realized that’s because there isn’t a neat title or degree that fully explains what I do anymore. My work doesn’t fit into a tidy box, and for a long time, I found myself searching for the right words to make it make sense. I would even catch myself wanting to lean harder on my degrees or my background because somehow they felt easier to explain.

The truth is, though, I wasn’t struggling to explain my work.

I was struggling to own it.

For a long time, I believed I helped parents become more confident. I believed I helped people transform old patterns. While both are true, I’ve realized they’re really just outcomes of something much deeper.

At the heart of every coaching session, every podcast conversation, every newsletter I write, and every stage I hope to stand on one day, I’m really teaching one thing.

How to pause.

It sounds almost too simple to matter, yet nearly every transformation I’ve witnessed begins there. Whether someone comes to me because they’re constantly arguing with their strong-willed child, replaying conversations in their head, struggling with anxiety, repeating familiar relationship patterns, or simply feeling disconnected from themselves, the work is remarkably similar. Before we can choose something different, we have to create space for something different.

That’s why the framework I teach is called PARR.

Pause. Acknowledge. Respond. Reflect.

Most people know PARR as a parenting framework, but I’ve come to realize it was never only about parenting.

We pause before reacting.

We acknowledge what’s happening within ourselves and around us.

We respond intentionally instead of automatically.

Then we reflect—not to criticize ourselves, but to integrate what we’ve learned so the next moment can look different from the last.

PARR works in parenting, but it also works in our marriages, our friendships, our careers, and in the quiet conversations we have with ourselves every single day. It’s less of a parenting strategy and more of a way of moving through life.

When we pause, we return to the present moment. We regulate before responding. We interrupt the patterns that have quietly been running our lives for years and remember that we have a choice.

Transformation doesn’t happen in the reaction. It happens in the pause.

I’ve also learned that before people can change, they need to feel seen. When we feel seen, we feel safe. When we feel safe, we soften. And when we soften, growth becomes possible.

Maybe that’s what I’ve been trying to say all along.

So now, when someone asks me what I do, I still tell them I’m a parent coach, a writer, a podcaster, and yes, sometimes a life coach.

But if they ask me what I really do, my answer has become much simpler.

I teach people how to pause.

It’s a surprisingly simple answer.

Ironically, it’s also the one that gets the strongest response.

Almost every time, someone smiles and says,

“Wow... I actually need that.”

Maybe that’s because the work we’re all here to learn isn’t becoming someone new, but becoming present enough to choose who we already are.

Love always,

Albiona

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Joe Newman has shaped Albiona’s work more than almost anyone else in this space. He doesn’t say what everyone else says. He doesn’t make it complicated. And this conversation — about why strong-willed kids need stronger boundaries, why your words have lost their weight, and what actually gets a defiant child to cooperate — is still one of the most useful hours you’ll spend as a parent.

Inside, they explore:

→ Why strong-willed and defiant kids aren’t broken — and why the accommodations most parents make are the exact opposite of what these kids need

→ The real reason children use conflict: it’s not about the blue bowl, the red cup, or the screen time — it’s a question they’re asking, and most parents are answering it wrong

→ How breaks work, why they’re not timeouts, and what to do when your child flatly refuses to take one — including what Joe did with a child who held out for 10 days straight

→ Why excess information and over-explaining are making defiance worse — and the research-backed reason that saying less produces a 50% drop in off-task behavior

→ What “eggshell parenting” is doing to strong-willed kids, why approval-based parenting fails power-seeking children, and how to stop parenting the child inside of you instead of the child in front of you

About Joe Newman:

Joe Newman is the author of Raising Lions and a behavior specialist with decades of experience working with defiant, strong-willed, and ADHD kids in schools, homes, and clinical settings. His approach combines psychoanalytic theory, cause-and-effect structure, and deep respect for children’s autonomy — and it works where other methods don’t.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

→ Get Raising Lions by Joe Newman

→ Visit Joe’s website — raisinglions.com

→ Joe’s YouTube channel — search “Raising Lions” for video demonstrations of his methods in action

Connect with Albiona:

→ Book a Free Discovery Call (1:1 Coaching) — https://www.theparentingreframe.com/coaching

→ Follow Albiona on Instagram — @theparentingreframe

→ Join Albiona’s Paid Substack Community —

The Parenting & Life Reframe

The Parenting & Life Reframe offers tools and insights for navigating parenting and life's challenges with openness and curiosity. It focuses on inner growth, reframing perspectives, and developing emotion regulation skills for you and your child.

By Albiona M. Rakipi

→ Email Albiona directly — albiona@theparentingreframe.com

Loved this episode?

Please rate, review, and share this one with a parent who’s exhausted by a strong-willed child and running out of ideas. This conversation has already reached thousands of families — and it deserves to reach thousands more.

Until next time,

Albiona 🤎

I want to break down why we keep doing things we know we don’t want to do. We know better, yet once the hard moment hits, we can’t seem to stop the automatic reaction—or at least that’s how it feels.

I have both parent coaching and life coaching clients who need support understanding, and then shifting, the patterns that keep them stuck. We often think the answer is a cerebral one. If we just have the information, that should be enough to create change.

But it isn’t.

I’ve said this countless times: information rarely catalyzes change.

Here’s why

Our nervous system responds to an event before our thinking brain does. I’ll break this down with more examples later, but for now, realize that when something happens you don’t want, your nervous system has an immediate response. Your brain then interprets that response and tries to keep you safe because nothing feels safer than what’s familiar.

Nothing feels safer than what’s familiar.

This is why you hear people say, “I’m a creature of habit,” “I love predictability,” or “Routine is everything.” There’s truth and value in those statements, but we can’t leave them unchecked.

If your nervous system says, Something’s wrong, your brain will automatically reach for a familiar pattern unless we intentionally change the default. That means interrupting the automatic reaction and giving it new meaning.

The only way to do that is by pausing.

This is the first step in my PARR Method.

We cannot change a pattern until we learn to pause. Once we create even the tiniest pocket of space, we have the opportunity to choose something different.

Parenting example

I had a father tell me he was trying really hard not to yell or use the same shaming tactics his parents used with him. Yet he felt like his daughter’s behavior was “out of control,” and he had no choice but to raise his voice.

“It’s the only way she’ll listen.”

Anytime a parent tells me, “This is the only way I can get them to...” I know we’re looking at a deeply ingrained pattern.

So I asked him, “Do you want to yell or scare her into listening?”

He immediately said, “No.”

“But every time I try to explain why I said no, she gets more upset, and then I end up yelling.”

I said, “What if explaining isn’t the solution?”

See, he wanted her to simply listen the way he did growing up. But that’s not his daughter. She’s still developing that skill.

When he set a boundary, she became upset. When she became upset, his nervous system automatically interpreted that discomfort as something that needed to stop.

The story underneath it sounded something like this:

“My child should just listen. If she doesn’t, I’m a dad who can’t control my child.”

That discomfort activated a fight response, and his brain reached for the familiar pattern: yelling.

Instead, I encouraged him to pause.

“I know it’s hard when I say no, but my answer isn’t changing.”

Then stop talking.

Stay calm while she’s dysregulated.

The first few times will be the hardest. But she’ll calm down much faster if you stop arguing, negotiating, explaining, or trying to scare her into compliance.

Using fear was familiar for this dad because it was familiar to his nervous system. It’s how his parents responded to his big emotions, so it became his default. This is exactly where we interrupt the pattern.

Once he had a new plan, the hardest part was resisting the urge to fall back into what felt familiar. I encouraged him to quietly remind himself:

“I want to do this differently. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of me.”

The more he grounded himself in that belief, the easier it became to stay regulated while holding the boundary. No negotiating. No changing the boundary to make the crying stop. Just allowing her to feel disappointed while he stayed steady.

Over time, something remarkable happened. His familiar pattern changed. Holding boundaries became easier. Her outbursts became shorter, less frequent, and less intense until they eventually became a non-issue. She learned to cooperate more quickly because she was developing the ability to tolerate frustration and regulate herself.

In life

I had another client who struggled to set boundaries, especially with the people she loved. She was everyone’s go-to person, and part of her enjoyed being needed. But eventually it became exhausting.

She knew she needed to start saying no.

The problem was that the guilt she felt after saying no was ten times worse than the exhaustion she felt from always saying yes. So she kept sacrificing herself because that discomfort felt easier to tolerate. It was the lesser of two evils.

Her familiar pattern—the one her nervous system believed kept her safe—was saying yes. Because if she said no, people might be disappointed. People might stop liking her.

When I asked what felt hardest about setting boundaries, she said:

“I just hope people are okay with it.”

In other words, she believed boundaries required agreement.

They don’t.

I told her the only way we change this pattern is by rewiring her default mode.

Right now, her body believed:

“I have to keep everyone happy. That’s why people love me. I have to say yes.”

Instead, I wanted her to practice saying:

“My well-being is just as important as the people I love, and I’m safe to say no.”

At first, it felt awful.

Because when we shift a pattern, our nervous system protests. Your mind will try to convince you to go back because familiar feels safe. But if your goal is to break a cycle that no longer serves you, you have to move through that discomfort.

That’s the work.

And that’s why I coach people through it with love, guidance, and intuitive support. It takes time, and there is deeper work involved.

But if you need somewhere to start, begin by observing your patterns.

Ask yourself:

• Why do I keep repeating this pattern?

• Why does the same challenge keep showing up in different forms?

• What is my automatic reaction?

• Do I yell? Avoid? People-please? Stay quiet? Accommodate everyone else?

Those reactions aren’t character flaws. They’re familiar survival strategies. Once you can see them, you can begin to inner-parent yourself back to safety by practicing something different.

It won’t feel natural at first. In fact, it’ll probably feel harder before it feels easier. But every time you choose the new response over the familiar one, you’re teaching your nervous system that this is safe too.

That’s how cycles are broken.

Not by learning more, but by repeatedly choosing a different response until it becomes your new normal.

And that’s the gift of this work.

You don’t just change your own life. You change what your children inherit, what your relationships experience, and what the people around you learn is possible.

Every interrupted pattern becomes an invitation for someone else to do the same.

If you’re new here...

I’ve had quite a few new people join this community recently, and I’m so glad you’re here.

If this newsletter resonated with you and you’d like to go a little deeper, here are a few free resources and great places to start:

• The PARR Workshop — Learn the four-step framework I teach parents (and use in life) to interrupt automatic reactions and respond with intention.

• Emotion Regulation for the Parent — Practical tools to help you regulate yourself before trying to regulate your child.

• Book a Discovery Call — If you’re ready for more personalized support, I’d love to explore whether coaching is the right next step for you.

Whether you decide to dive deeper or simply keep reading each week, I’m grateful you’re here.

Love always,

Albiona

In this solo episode, Albiona shares the story of what Dr. Elisha Goldstein did when everything went wrong, why it moved her so deeply, and how the same principle — helping someone feel truly seen through your own story — is one of the most underused tools in parenting. This one is personal, practical, and worth sharing.

Inside, she explores:

→ What Dr. Goldstein did when the podcast recording fell apart — and why his response was a masterclass in empathy that Albiona couldn’t stop thinking about

→ The difference between expressing empathy and actually helping someone feel seen — and why one lands so much deeper than the other

→ How storytelling from your own life — not advice, not correction — is the thing that softens a child in a hard moment and makes them actually willing to move toward a solution

→ Real examples: the homework battle that stopped repeating the moment Albiona shared her own childhood frustration, and what happened when her son finally felt understood

→ Why kids who don’t feel seen act out more — and how making someone feel seen is one of the most powerful connection tools you have, in parenting and in every relationship

Connect with Albiona:

→ Book a Free Discovery Call (1:1 Coaching) — https://www.theparentingreframe.com/coaching

→ Follow Albiona on Instagram — @theparentingreframe

→ Join Albiona’s Paid Substack Community —

The Parenting & Life Reframe

The Parenting & Life Reframe offers tools and insights for navigating parenting and life's challenges with openness and curiosity. It focuses on inner growth, reframing perspectives, and developing emotion regulation skills for you and your child.

By Albiona M. Rakipi

→ Email Albiona directly — albiona@theparentingreframe.com

Loved this episode?

Please rate, review, and share this one with someone who needs to hear it — a parent in the middle of a homework battle, a power struggle, or just a season where nothing seems to be landing. Sometimes the shift isn’t a new strategy. It’s a story.

Until next time,

Albiona 🤎

This one gets personal. Albiona walks through real coaching examples — including a mom who kept over-giving love and attention because that’s what she needed as a child, only to watch her independent, strong-willed daughter resist it every time — to show what it actually looks like to stop healing your own childhood through your kid and start showing up as the steady, regulated parent they need.

Inside, she explores:

→ Why “reparenting” as a redo can quietly turn into a victim complex — and the difference between honoring what was hard and getting stuck blaming it

→ The question to ask yourself in hard parenting moments: am I parenting the child in front of me, or the child inside of me?

→ A real coaching example of a mom who over-gave love and attention to heal her own neglect — and why her free-spirited, independent daughter needed boundaries instead

→ Why a happy child isn’t the measure of good parenting — and how tying your worth as a parent to your child’s emotions sets you both up to struggle

→ How to interrupt default patterns like yelling, shaming, or threatening — and what it actually means to cultivate your own inner parent in the moment it counts

Connect with Albiona:

→ Book a Free Discovery Call (1:1 Coaching) — https://www.theparentingreframe.com/coaching

→ Follow Albiona on Instagram — @theparentingreframe

→ Join Albiona’s Paid Substack Community —

The Parenting & Life Reframe

The Parenting & Life Reframe offers tools and insights for navigating parenting and life's challenges with openness and curiosity. It focuses on inner growth, reframing perspectives, and developing emotion regulation skills for you and your child.

By Albiona M. Rakipi

→ Email Albiona directly — albiona@theparentingreframe.com

Loved this episode?

Please rate, review, and share this one with a parent who keeps wondering why all their love and effort isn’t landing the way they expected. Sometimes the most healing thing we can do isn’t give our kids what we needed — it’s learn to give it to ourselves.

Until next time,

Albiona 🤎

If I had to be completely honest with you, and I wasn’t worried about hurting your feelings, here’s what I’d tell you.

If your emotional state is contingent on your child’s behavior, you’re placing a burden on them that was never theirs to carry.

When they listen, you’re calm.

When they argue, you’re dysregulated.

When they’re happy, you feel like you’re doing a good job.

When they struggle, you question yourself.

Without realizing it, we’ve allowed our inner world to become dependent on someone else’s behavior.

And this doesn’t just happen in parenting.

I see it with my life coaching clients every day, too.

We convince ourselves that we’ll finally feel peaceful when life settles down, when people act the way we’d hoped, when the outcome is certain, or when everything goes according to plan.

But circumstantial peace isn’t really peace.

It’s temporary.

Real peace is internal.

It isn’t the absence of hard things. It’s the ability to remain anchored while they’re happening.

That’s the work.

Why We Lose Our Center

Whether in parenting or in life, I find that most of us lose ourselves for one of two reasons:

• We don’t know what to do.

• We don’t know how to stay steady while we’re doing it.

This is exactly why I teach PARR.

Pause

Before reacting, notice what’s happening inside of you.

Acknowledge

Ask yourself:

What story is being activated right now?

Maybe it’s...

• If my child behaves like this, I’m failing as a parent.

• If someone disagrees with me, they don’t respect me.

• If I don’t control every variable, everything will fall apart.

• My worth is determined by how well I perform.

• If I disappoint someone, I’ve done something wrong.

Most of our reactions aren’t caused by the present moment.

They’re caused by the meaning we’ve attached to it.

Respond

Instead of reacting from fear, shame, or urgency, choose a response that aligns with the person you want to be.

Sometimes that means holding the boundary.

Sometimes it means saying less.

Sometimes it means taking one deep breath before speaking.

Reflect

Later, ask yourself:

Did the story I believed actually serve me?

This is where change begins.

The Work Isn’t Controlling Life

It’s letting go of the belief that control creates peace.

Many of us spend our lives trying to create certainty because certainty feels safe.

If my child would just cooperate...

If I could just get this promotion...

If people would understand me...

If everything would stop feeling so uncertain...

Then I’d finally relax.

But life has never promised certainty.

And if our peace depends on certainty, we’ll spend our lives chasing something we can never fully hold onto.

Parenting Makes This Easy to See

Your child’s behavior does not determine your worth.

Their struggles are not proof that you’ve failed.

Their emotions are not evidence that your boundary was wrong.

Parents often tell me,

“I’ve tried everything. Nothing is working.”

When I ask why they believe that, they’ll often say,

“Because my child cried.”

But tears don’t necessarily mean the boundary wasn’t effective.

Sometimes they simply mean your child didn’t like it.

A boundary isn’t failing because it creates discomfort.

It’s failing if you lose yourself every time you hold it.

That’s why regulation matters just as much as strategy.

Yes, you need boundaries.

Yes, you need tools.

Yes, you need a plan.

But you also need to cultivate an internal steadiness that isn’t dependent on your child’s cooperation.

Because your children don’t need a perfect parent.

They need a steady one.

And the same is true outside of parenting.

The goal isn’t to build a life where nothing difficult ever happens.

The goal is to become someone who can move through difficult moments without abandoning themselves.

That’s what internal peace looks like.

Before you close this newsletter, I’d love for you to sit with a few questions.

• Where have I been outsourcing my peace?

• What external circumstance have I convinced myself needs to change before I can finally exhale?

• What story do I keep telling myself that no longer serves me?

• Who would I become if I stopped waiting for life—or other people—to create the peace I’m capable of creating within myself?

Maybe peace has never been something to find.

Maybe it’s something we practice.

One pause at a time.

Love always,

Albiona

P.S. If you are thinking about coaching support, reply to this email with the words “more info.” I’m booking free calls for clients who want to start in August/September.

Albiona sits down with Dr. Elisha Goldstein — psychologist, mindfulness teacher, and author of Tiny Shifts — to talk about emotional regulation in the ordinary, unglamorous moments of parenting. Not the big overhauls. Not the lengthy routines. The small, doable pivots that actually interrupt reactivity, widen your capacity, and help you show up differently — starting today.

Inside, they explore:

→ What emotional loops are — the should loop, the shame loop, the comparison loop — and why naming them is the first step to breaking out of them

→ Dr. Goldstein’s four R’s method: Recognize, Release, Refocus, Reinforce — and how to use it in real parenting moments, from rude teenagers to morning chaos to your own self-critical spiral

→ Why self-care becomes one more stressor — and how to meet yourself in the moment instead of adding more to your list

→ The two R’s most people skip (Release and Reinforce) and why skipping them is why the method doesn’t stick

→ How a parent’s emotional health directly shapes their child’s ability to regulate — and why working on yourself is the most effective parenting move you can make

About Dr. Elisha Goldstein:

Dr. Elisha Goldstein is a psychologist, mindfulness teacher, and author of several books including Uncovering Happiness and his newest, Tiny Shifts. He has spent more than two decades helping people navigate stress, anxiety, and emotional well-being — and his work sits at the intersection of neuroscience, mindfulness, and practical everyday life.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

→ Get Tiny Shifts by Dr. Elisha Goldstein — available wherever books are sold

→ Visit Dr. Goldstein’s website — elishagoldstein.com

→ Follow Dr. Goldstein on Instagram — @drelishagoldstein

Connect with Albiona:

→ Book a Free Discovery Call (1:1 Coaching) — https://www.theparentingreframe.com/coaching

→ Follow Albiona on Instagram — @theparentingreframe

→ Join Albiona’s Paid Substack Community —

Taryn

Mother, teacher, and storyteller. Here I share gentle, practical parenting wisdom and heart-centered stories to help you feel like a more confident and connected parent. Let’s grow together 💛

→ Email Albiona directly — albiona@theparentingreframe.com

Loved this episode?

Please rate, review, and share this one with a parent who knows what they’re supposed to do but can’t get there in the hard moment. That gap between knowing and accessing is exactly what this conversation is about — and it’s more common than anyone talks about.

Until next time,

Albiona 🤎

Before we get to this week’s newsletter, I have a favor to ask. First, thank you so much for being here! I can’t tell you how much it means to me when you let me know that you’ve read something I’ve written and you feel seen. For those who have upgraded to paid, I’m truly honored and grateful!

If you subscribe to this newsletter, what would feel supportive to you: 1.) Quarterly Q & A’s over Zoom. 2.) Video content 3.) More articles with advice for both parenting and life 4.) All of the above. Please reply to this email, and let me know which one you choose.

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I was talking to a client who, like most of us, is feeling really overwhelmed right now. Between parenting young children, managing a household, and caring for her aging parents, there was little space left for her own needs.

She explained that she sees other women on social media working out, meditating, and prioritizing themselves, treating self-care as a non-negotiable. She said she tried adding some of these practices to her day, but it left her feeling more depleted and less settled.

The idea of self-care has become commercialized. We’re often told that certain products are the key to regulating ourselves—from skin care and supplements to teas, lotions, and endless courses. The self-care industry is booming.

But at its core, what does it really mean to take care of yourself?

The answer will be different for everyone. It requires us to get quiet and check in with ourselves first so we can understand what we actually need.

For my client, she didn’t need to add more to her day. Her inner wisdom was asking for simplification and support.

I said to her, “Close your eyes, let your body soften, steady your breathing, and ask yourself: What would be most helpful to me right now?”

Working out, meditating, and yoga weren’t on her list.

She said, “I would love it if someone could come clean my house once a month.”

Then she paused and asked, “Does that count as self-care?”

I said, “Absolutely. You’re tuning into what you need.”

Then I asked her, “Is it doable to hire someone to come clean your house once a month?” I told her to take her time before answering and to regulate herself.

The reason I asked her to pause is because many of us have a hard time saying yes to support. We instinctively dismiss our needs before we’ve even considered them. We may view the expense as selfish, yet spend the same amount on someone we love without hesitation.

After pausing and breathing, she said, “It might be hard, but maybe I can.”

I replied, “Let’s just start by pricing out some options and getting recommendations. No commitment yet. Just start to feel it out.”

The following week, she researched local house cleaners and found a team she really liked. She booked her first cleaning and messaged me immediately afterward.

She said something she hadn’t anticipated happened.

Even taking the time to look for house cleaners brought her a sense of peace before the cleaning ever happened. She felt more at ease in her day, and she couldn’t fully explain why.

Her willingness to honor her needs—to acknowledge that she needed support at home—was self-care.

Even before the cleaning happened, her mental load began to decrease because she had given herself permission to receive support.

Self-care happens when we listen to ourselves and give ourselves permission to seek out what we need. It will look different for everyone.

I had another client who absolutely needed a specific type of workout in her day. Her form of self-care is moving and sweating in ways that help her body release stress.

For another client, taking a 20-minute walk in nature each day was all she needed.

Self-care is not always about adding more to your list because you think you should.

I should be working out.

I need to eat better.

I should be meditating to stay calm.

When self-care starts sounding like a list of shoulds, it’s usually not your inner wisdom guiding the conversation.

Self-care is about giving yourself permission to be held, supported, and tended to.

Another client who was struggling with her reactivity shared a simple act of self-care and how it changed the way she showed up for her kids.

Instead of insisting she manage bath time, she let her husband take over. She washed the dishes after dinner and gave herself a few quiet minutes to decompress from the day. Then she joined her kids, read with them, and there were no battles at bedtime.

Why?

Because in the past, she was so exhausted and unwilling to take even a brief break that she became more reactive. Her kids felt it, and as a result, their behavior became more challenging. She hated ending the day that way.

She knew her husband would help, but she felt guilty not doing the entire routine because she’s a working mom. The shoulds were getting the best of her.

Once she listened to what she actually needed—support and a few minutes to settle her nervous system—their evenings transformed.

So the next time you’re scrolling social media and see someone talking about self-care from a luxury spa, remember this:

Self-care isn’t a product, a routine, or another item on your to-do list.

It’s an intimate relationship with yourself.

It’s listening.

It’s honoring what you need.

And sometimes, the most healing thing you can do is allow yourself to receive the support you’ve needed all along.

Love always,

Albiona

Dr. Kim brings 20 years of clinical experience and 12 years of parenting into a conversation that is practical, permission-giving, and full of ideas you can use today — even on your most exhausted days.

Inside, they explore:

→ Why most parents misunderstand play — and why the parent who says “play isn’t for me” is actually the one who needs this most

→ The connection between play and behavior: why kids who feel connected through play are more likely to listen, cooperate, and follow through — and what happens when that connection is missing

→ How to handle tantrums, power struggles, and resistant kids using play-based strategies that actually work — including the sand timer trick and how to gamify chores

→ Why independent play matters more than most parents realize — and why boredom is a problem for kids to solve, not parents to fix

→ Practical play ideas for the transitions that drain you most: mealtime, bedtime, morning routines, and getting out the door — without the fight

About Dr. Kim Van Dusen:

Dr. Kim Van Dusen is a registered play therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist with nearly 20 years of clinical experience. She is the author of Parenting Through Play, a research-backed, practical guide that combines play therapy, solution-focused therapy, and PBIS to help parents build deeper connection and better behavior — without the power struggles.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

→ Get Parenting Through Play by Dr. Kim Van Dusen

→ Follow Dr. Kim on Instagram — @theparentologist

→ Visit Dr. Kim’s website — theparentologist.com

→ Listen to The Parentologist Podcast — available wherever you listen to podcasts

Connect with Albiona:

→ Book a Free Discovery Call (1:1 Coaching) — https://www.theparentingreframe.com/coaching

→ Follow Albiona on Instagram — @theparentingreframe

→ Join Albiona’s Paid Substack Community —

Taryn

Mother, teacher, and storyteller. Here I share gentle, practical parenting wisdom and heart-centered stories to help you feel like a more confident and connected parent. Let’s grow together 💛

→ Email Albiona directly — albiona@theparentingreframe.com

Loved this episode?

Please rate, review, and share this one with a parent who’s exhausted by the fighting, the resistance, and the constant correcting. Play isn’t the opposite of discipline — it’s what makes discipline work. The more parents hear that, the better.

Until next time,

Albiona 🤎

Hi everyone,

This week’s insight is a reminder of a conversation I used to have with my kids when they were younger. I wanted them to notice kind moments. It’s so easy to become jaded and only see the negative, but I wanted them to take time each day to notice something kind.

I would ask them: Who did you lean on, and who leaned on you?

It always made for a great conversation. One part of the question asked how you gave to another, and the other part asked how you allowed yourself to receive. I wanted them to be aware of both because they both carry value.

What I realize personally is that it can still feel hard to receive. I’m great at giving, but receiving is another story. I know I’m not alone in this. How often do we turn down help, even though we could use it, or decline support because we think we should be able to handle it?

Why is it so hard to receive?

If you follow me on IG, you might have seen me post about my breathwork facilitator training with Lauryn Laszczak. Breathwork is an incredible practice I’ve been using for over a decade, and I wanted to share its benefits with my community and clients.

As part of the training, I got to help my friend Lauryn facilitate a breathwork session for a group of incredible women who signed up for a day retreat centered around the theme of letting go.

That morning, I had my hair blown out because I would be attending a wedding later that evening. (Don’t worry, this is an important part of the story.) As luck would have it, right when I got to the retreat venue, it began to pour rain. Typically, I wouldn’t care, but I had just spent time and money on a blowout that I needed to last. (If you’ve ever been in this position, you totally know the feeling.)

I reached into my backseat to grab my umbrella, and of course, it wasn’t there. I draped a sweater over my head and walked out to pay the parking meter. This proved to be quite the task, with only one hand available to download the app and enter all my information.

Right then, an older man walked out of the men’s tailoring shop I was parked in front of. He said hello and introduced himself.

“Hi, I’m Carl.”

I replied, “Hi, I’m Albiona. It’s nice to meet you.”

He immediately noticed my odd umbrella substitute and asked, “Can I get you an umbrella?”

At first, I was about to say no. But I really needed it.

So I said, “Actually, that would be great.”

I knew I had a long walk ahead of me, and I wasn’t sure how well my sweater draped over my head was going to hold up.

He brought me the most beautiful umbrella I’ve ever seen. It was a brown-and-beige plaid pattern with a heavy wooden handle. It looked like a vintage umbrella from another era.

I thanked him and said, “I don’t know how I’ll get this back to you.”

It didn’t look like any old umbrella. It felt special.

He said, “Don’t worry about it.”

I replied that as soon as it stopped raining, I would come back and find him.

He smiled and said again, “Don’t worry about it.”

My blowout was protected, and I was grateful for this stranger’s kindness.

Sure enough, once the rain stopped and I went to find him, he was gone.

My wise friend Lauryn asked me what I was doing.

I told her, “I need to return this umbrella. It seems really special, and I don’t want to take it from him. But he left, and I don’t know how to find him.”

She said, “What did he tell you?”

I said, “He told me, ‘Don’t worry about it.’”

She replied, “Then maybe the wisdom of this moment isn’t about returning the umbrella. Maybe you’re being asked to allow yourself to receive. You needed an umbrella at the exact moment this man showed up out of nowhere. He told you not to worry about returning it. Maybe you should just allow yourself to receive.”

The umbrella is still with me. I have it in my car, and I look at it every time I get in and out.

I think of his kindness and remember Lauryn’s words: Just let yourself receive.

This feels hard, but I’m working on it.

I’m not going to lie—I’ve been tempted to drive the 45 minutes from my house, park outside the store, and see if he’ll return. But I stop myself each time, and instead I think about what he gave me that day besides the umbrella.

I remembered that the kindness of strangers still exists.

It’s okay to receive.

God always brings you what you need when you need it. Just stay open.

You don’t always have to be the giver. Receiving is just as important.

Since that day, I’ve tried to notice what others around me need, just as he noticed me.

For example, I let a mother with young children go ahead of me in the grocery line, and she was so grateful because their patience was starting to wane. I helped my neighbor reposition her hanging plant because she wasn’t tall enough to do it herself, and she lives alone.

I’ve given in moments to others simply because I was paying attention.

I’m more present now, and I realize the power we all carry at any given time—how one small gesture can change somebody’s day, perspective, or mindset. How deeply connected we all truly are, and the impact we can have on one another, is invaluable.

For now, I will hold on to this beautiful umbrella and take good care of it.

That day, if I asked myself the same question I used to ask my kids—Who did you lean on, and who leaned on you?—the answer would be crystal clear.

I leaned on Carl, and he reminded me of the magic of giving and receiving, of staying open, and of the kindness of strangers.

Love always,

Albiona

My career began as a young, wide-eyed early childhood teacher. I’ve always loved working with kids, and I never thought twice about what I wanted to study in college. I knew it would center around children. I earned a bachelor’s degree in early childhood education and began teaching at a small preschool right out of college.

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I taught for over 12 years and, at the same time, became a parent myself. I was in my 20s, and I know I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Though I bore the title of teacher, the kids in my life were the actual teachers.

After 12 years of teaching, I shifted gears, returned to graduate school for three years, and became a pediatric speech-language pathologist. I wanted to connect with kids in a deeper way, and I loved one-on-one therapy sessions. I worked with both neurotypical and primarily neurodivergent children. It was here that I began to understand what kids actually need versus what we tell ourselves they need.

In both jobs, I saw a trend in parents that seemed to overcomplicate what the child was trying to communicate. Parents would come to me saying, “How do I get my child to start doing _______ or stop doing _______?”

I understood the question and why it mattered. More importantly, I understood how the parent felt. We all want to do right by our kids and make sure we’re doing our part as parents. But in a parent’s quest to access the “right” answers or more knowledge, we can lose our ability to attune to our kids. This is different from simply knowing what to do.

Yes, tools and strategies are important, but they are useless if you can’t understand and decode your child’s behavior. We also can’t remove ourselves from the equation. When your child engages in a behavior you want to change, you play a part. There is reciprocity in that.

I’m going to break down the five things I know to be true.

Kids Learn in Patterns and Respond to Patterns

This is one I learned early on, and I stand by it. Kids are like little scientists. Joe Newman, author of Raising Lions, describes them as constantly taking data. If you’ve ever been tasked with data collection before, you know that, essentially, you’re trying to find a pattern.

What increases the likelihood of a desired outcome?

If every time you set a boundary, you wind up negotiating with your child, they learn the pattern of negotiation. If you have a hard time following through every time you say no, your child will test that boundary. If you engage in arguments when your child isn’t listening, they will learn to argue.

We often believe we’re responding to them, but more often than not, they’re responding to us.

I break this down more in this episode of the podcast, where I talk about common patterns and how to create new ones that yield better outcomes.

Kids Are Sensitive to Our Energy and Our Unspoken Communication

When I started working one-on-one with neurodivergent kids, I realized they were highly sensitive to my energy. What that means is that if I felt tense or stressed, they picked up on it.

I remember working with this incredible child who was nonverbal. In his first session with me, he was hesitant and had experienced negative therapeutic settings in the past. When he dialed up, I dialed down and stayed present and steady.

I asked nothing of him. I wanted him to know I would be there when he was ready, and I would not pressure him.

He felt this.

He knew there was no pressure to perform, and I allowed him to get comfortable with me and the new setting. Instead of talking to him nonstop, insisting he stop crying, or urging him to come play with me, I reduced all demands and stayed calm.

Eventually, he came over to me while I was playing, and he joined me. It was similar to parallel play. And yes, shortly thereafter, we were best buds.

He didn’t need a skilled clinician; he needed a safe presence who could be with him until he felt comfortable.

Being that safe, steady presence requires us to regulate ourselves and create the calming, grounding energy kids need.

Kids Need to Struggle or Face Challenges Head-On

I say this to my coaching clients frequently: the only way is through.

As humans, we are born without certain skills. In childhood, we have to develop many skills. Skills develop through maturation, time, and practice.

If your child has a hard time hearing the word no or not getting the outcome they want, they need to develop the ability to tolerate frustration. Allowing them to feel frustrated while staying regulated yourself shows them that you believe they can manage this hard moment.

This builds resilience, and over time, those skills begin to develop and strengthen.

This is one of the hardest parts of parenting, but it yields some of the greatest outcomes.

Consider the skills your child is building. How long does it take them to start walking steadily or speaking in sentences? Skill-building requires time, consistency, patience, and understanding.

Boundaries Teach Safety

Not just kids, but all of us feel safest when things are predictable and consistent. This is especially true for children.

We create predictable and consistent environments when we set and hold boundaries.

Most parents know this. However, somewhere along the way, we assume our kids should simply accept the boundary. But for some kids, the boundary needs to be tested before it feels clear.

This is where we struggle.

Instead of seeing the testing as a healthy action, we either become reactive, punish, and yell, or we adjust and modify the boundary. In either scenario, we are not holding the boundary with steadiness.

When kids test us, they are asking, “Do you really mean it?”

Instead of feeling challenged, respond to the question they’re asking and hold the boundary.

Emotion Regulation Requires a Regulated Adult

The comment I receive most often on social media or in my inbox is:

“I struggle to help my child regulate their emotions because I don’t even know how to regulate my own.”

If you have a child who expresses their feelings in challenging ways—arguing, defiance, whining, tantrums, and so on—and you don’t learn how to regulate your emotions, you will become reactive every time.

The story most parents tell themselves is this: if my child demonstrates a “negative” behavior, then I am not a good parent.

Your child’s behavior will trigger this story. If you don’t manage it, you will become reactive because it creates discomfort within you.

If you can pause and acknowledge your state when your child pushes back, you will be able to steady yourself first. From there, before responding, consider: What does my child need in this moment?

This helps you respond in a more meaningful way rather than reacting from a triggered or activated place. Later, you can reflect and interrogate the story you’re telling yourself. Your value as a parent cannot be contingent upon your child’s behavior. Defiance is healthy. It’s our job to teach our kids how to express defiance in healthy ways.

Most parents, because they are unable to regulate themselves in the moment, meet a defiant child with their own defiance.

Pause and ask yourself: When I yell or react harshly, does it create the outcome I want? The answer is usually no.

Parenting is a relationship in which we all grow—not just our kids.

Kids often show us where we need to change patterns, make shifts, heal old wounds, and release our expectations about what it means to be a good parent.

When we can show up and be present, that’s really all kids want.

Not perfection.Not performative.But present.

And you don’t have to be present all the time. That’s impossible. You need to tend to other responsibilities, and that’s okay.

But when we carve out intentional time to be present with our kids, they feel it. That’s nourishing. That’s connection.

Kids are often telling us exactly what they need. The challenge isn’t understanding them—it’s slowing down enough to listen.

After 23 years of working with children, that’s what I know to be true. The more we let go of the need to control, fix, or force outcomes, the more clearly we can see what our kids have been trying to show us all along.

Allow them to teach you and help you grow so you can become an attuned parent who understands their unique needs and gifts.

Love always,

Albiona

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Let’s start with the big news

I am going to be writing a children’s book series! The excitement pouring out of me is immeasurable. I signed with World of Kids Books — an incredible publisher based in Charleston — to help bring my children’s book series to life. Scott and Hillary Keller are the founders, and I knew as soon as I met them that I wanted to be in partnership with them. Our vision for these books is completely aligned, and I’m so grateful our paths crossed.

The books are about two lovable, but forgetful, frogs, Fred and Frieda. I created this series years ago because I wanted a way to help kids navigate daily routines and obstacles by becoming the helper in the story. Essentially, these books will give children the agency to help Fred and Frieda navigate simple tasks like bedtime routines, getting ready for school, and daily responsibilities. Each book will focus on expanding language skills by answering WH-questions throughout the story. The books will be humorous, playful, and engaging because I believe that if you’re writing children’s books, they should genuinely feel enjoyable for children to read.

You can learn more about the series here:
Forgetful Fred & Frieda Series

More about my time in Charleston

I was invited down to Charleston to attend the launch of Patchwork: Bee Brave, Bee Kind, Bee You by Craig Conover. For those of you who don’t watch Bravo or reality TV, Craig is one of the stars of Southern Charm. He’s also an entrepreneur, designer, and now a children’s book author. And yes, if you’ve read my previous newsletters, you already know I absolutely watch Southern Charm and all things Bravo. World of Kids Books is Craig’s publisher, so they invited me to the launch event.

Beyond being a fan of the show and of Craig himself, I genuinely love the message behind his book. He addresses bullying in a way that will resonate deeply with children. He shares his story of feeling different and how the very things he was bullied for eventually became his superpowers. It’s a thoughtful, encouraging story that teaches children to celebrate and embrace themselves exactly as they are. Quite frankly, it’s a lesson all of us need. It’s such a meaningful book, and you can preorder it here: Patchwork: Bee Brave, Bee Kind, Bee You

Along with talking to Craig about his book and hearing more about his story, I also met Chad Rose, a professor at the University of South Carolina who has studied bullying for more than 20 years and played an important role in helping shape this book. My fingers are crossed that I can get both Chad and Craig on the podcast. Stay tuned, because this topic feels incredibly important, and I’d love to dive deeper into it with both of them.

The best part about going to Charleston

My daughter Hana came with me, and honestly, that was the best part of the entire trip. She’s 20 now, and it’s not always easy for our schedules to line up, but whenever we can, we try to take quick trips together. I know that as she gets older, those opportunities will probably become fewer and farther between.

So to anyone reading this, let this be your reminder: make the most of the time you have. If you see an opportunity, don’t wait. Say yes, even when it doesn’t always make logical sense. Somehow, someway, things tend to work out.

Travel has always been a huge part of my life. It truly is one of my love languages. My husband Sam and I have been traveling with our kids since they were babies, and it’s always been a priority for us. Growing up, my parents prioritized travel too, and some of my most cherished memories come from those experiences.

Travel doesn’t have to be extravagant to be meaningful. Do it in a way that feels doable and exciting for your family. Even one night at a nearby hotel can feel magical. Changing your environment awakens something in all of us. Our senses expand. We become more present, more connected, more alive.

When my kids were younger, I worked part-time, and our budget didn’t always allow for big trips. But we still made travel a priority. One year, instead of buying holiday presents, we took a family trip to the Caribbean. My kids loved it. Truly, it was worth so much more than buying more things they probably didn’t need. Even now, my husband and I rarely exchange gifts. Instead, we ask each other, “What do we want to do? Where should we go next?” We prioritize experiences.

Having this time with my daughter was the best part of the whole trip. We laughed so hard at times that we were both crying. We ate incredible food, explored a beautiful new city, and took in every moment together. As the event got closer, I started to feel nervous, and she became my rock. It’s funny how our roles begin to shift as our children grow older.

We enjoyed every aspect of this trip, and I know it’s one neither of us will ever forget.

Looking Ahead

So onward and upward we go. I’m deeply excited about the future, even though I have no idea exactly what’s coming next. In some ways, I actually prefer it that way.

If I could put one request out to the universe, it would be this: more spontaneous trips, more opportunities to meet good people and collaborate with them, and more chances to show up in the world asking, “How can I serve?”

I’m deeply grateful that I get to write this newsletter, record a podcast, coach both parents and life-coaching clients, create resources that help people navigate life in a steadier way, and continue showing up each day more present, connected, and fulfilled.

Thank you for being here. I truly don’t think you’ll ever understand how much it means to me.

In closing: take the trip, lean on your people, love a little more, and to quote Craig — Bee Brave, Bee Kind, Bee You.

Love always,
Albiona

P.S. Here’s where we ate, and I highly recommend every single one:

• Miller’s All Day — the best brunch/breakfast we had

• Sorelle — an incredible Italian restaurant

• Lenoir — charming, intimate, and unbelievably delicious

• Bartaco — truly 11/10

In this solo episode, she breaks down the real problem with how most parents use rewards (it’s not that you’re doing them — it’s how often), and reframes childhood anxiety in a way that actually gives you somewhere to go. Spoiler: the opposite of anxious isn’t calm. It’s self-trust.

And that changes everything about how you respond.

Inside, she explores:

→ Why rewards work — and exactly where they stop working — including the novelty problem most parents hit two weeks in and what to do instead

→ How to choose the right motivation for your child, why sticker charts fail kids who don’t care about stickers, and how to use time, agency, and choice as rewards that actually land

→ The art of fading: how to gradually pull back rewards so the behavior sticks without the incentive — and why your kids are more resilient than you think

→ Why childhood anxiety isn’t the opposite of calm — it’s the opposite of self-trust — and how that one reframe shifts your entire approach to a kid who freezes, avoids, or shuts down

→ What to stop saying when your child makes a mistake in sports, school, or social situations — and what to do instead to help them get back in and try again

Connect with Albiona:

→ Book a Free Discovery Call (1:1 Coaching) — https://www.theparentingreframe.com/coaching

→ Follow Albiona on Instagram — @theparentingreframe

→ Join Albiona’s Paid Substack Community —

Taryn

Mother, teacher, and storyteller. Here I share gentle, practical parenting wisdom and heart-centered stories to help you feel like a more confident and connected parent. Let’s grow together 💛

→ Email Albiona directly — albiona@theparentingreframe.com

Loved this episode?

Please rate, review, and share this one with a parent who’s second-guessing their reward system or watching their kid shut down every time things get hard. These are the conversations that don’t get talked about enough — and the more parents hear them, the less alone they feel.

Until next time,

Albiona 🤎