It was a whole drinking day. Started in a bar, then moved to a parking lot where we rode a motorcycle, and of course someone fell down doing a wheelie. Then to more bars with jelly shots, to a nice Japanese dinner, and ended with a brilliant idea: let’s ride scooters down this hill. How we made it down through the traffic and didn’t die, I don’t know. Next thing I know, I’m pointing to a building and saying “let’s go there,” and we’re turning onto the train tracks laid with ballast. Of course we fell down, and I got a huge bruise on my thigh as a birthday present. Don’t regret a bit.

Wherever the job takes me, I make a point of finding the local stores and farmers markets, because it’s important to me to support the local community and to shop as sustainably as I can, even though I’ll admit I still buy canned tomatoes from Italy sometimes. Fresh produce picked that week, or that day, is so much better, and I try to keep my food's carbon footprint as small as possible. That’s how I found Berrybrook Farm Natural Foods, a local health food store with amazing finds, like bulk bins for spices and medicinal herbs. It’s also where I first tried Carbonaut bread, a gluten-free, low-carb bread done right, since they increase the protein and fiber content to lower the glycemic index. It tasted delicious. I highly recommend it.

Because my boss and I were both struggling during that production for different reasons, I spent a lot of time in the medicinal herb section researching herb properties.

I deepened my knowledge in herbs like:

• Shatavari: a traditional nourishing root used in Ayurveda to protect the female reproductive system, which helps reduce hot flashes, eases vaginal dryness, and balances low estrogen levels.

• Red clover: rich in phytoestrogens, plant compounds that mimic estrogen, which help reduce menopausal discomfort and support bone density.

And learned new ones, like:

• Schisandra: an adaptogenic berry that supports liver health and helps the body process and clear out old, excess estrogen.

• Rhodiola rosea: fights mental fatigue and burnout and improves the body’s overall resilience to daily physical and mental stress.

I also discovered that St. John’s Wort has uses for PMS, though I was buying it for my boss because it’s an anti-depressive herb, and I swear I got high drinking too much of it one afternoon. I don’t know if that’s actually possible, but I was extremely, incredibly happy after a day co-working with a friend, the two of us pouring hot water over that pot of tea and drinking it all afternoon.

So after a month of playing around and studying herbs, “Don’t Kill People Tea” was created. I came up with the name because I was tired and moody all the time. I was about to kill someone, but I wanted to avoid going to jail, so I created a tea blend that calmed the nervous system, debloated, gave me energy, balanced my hormones, and cleared the liver, since the emotion of the liver is anger. It was equal parts science and self-preservation.

So here is why those herbs made it to the tea:

Pineapple skin: is high in bromelain, an enzyme most concentrated in the skin and stem rather than the flesh. It’s linked to reduced inflammation and improved digestion, and studies show it can help ease conditions like inflammatory bowel disease and gastritis. Source

During the luteal phase, just before your period comes, both progesterone and estrogen drop. Progesterone normally helps keep inflammation in check, so when it falls, that control is lost, and inflammation rises, along with a shift in immune regulation that makes your body more inflamed overall. Bromelain helps with that inflammation, and so does ginger.

Ginger: helps reduce inflammation, aids digestion, and, most important here, helps with menstrual pain. Ginger helps reduce the inflammatory and prostaglandin activity involved in menstruation, which can reduce cramping. Source

As hormones sharply fall, inflammation rises, along with a substance called prostaglandins. Prostaglandins are hormone-like signaling molecules that trigger the inflammatory and vascular changes that cause the uterine lining to break down and shed during menstruation, and that same process is what drives the uterine contractions you feel as cramps.

If you really suffer from menstrual cramps, the right dosage is 250 mg of ginger every 12 hours, starting 7 days before menstruation and continuing until 3 days after bleeding begins. Source

Lemon balm: I have been using lemon balm a lot since I started perimenopause. I drink lemon balm tea almost daily with chamomile before bed because it calms and slows the nervous system, which improves sleep quality.

Lemon balm works on GABA, a neurotransmitter that slows down how fast your nerve cells fire signals to each other, meaning your nervous system’s brake pedal. When GABA activity increases, neuronal excitability decreases, leaving you calmer, reducing irritability and anxiety. Specifically, rosmarinic acid, a compound in lemon balm, can interfere with the enzyme that breaks down GABA, slowing the process and keeping GABA available longer. Source

Lemon balm is also antispasmodic, meaning it helps relax smooth muscle, including the uterine muscle responsible for menstrual cramping, and clinical trials have shown it can directly reduce the severity of menstrual pain. Source

Fennel: Although fennel also has strong effects on menstrual cramps because it helps with prostaglandins, the inflammatory compounds we mentioned before, I put it here because fennel helps a lot with bloating. I have taken fennel tea my whole life for bloating and gas, and it always works like a miracle. Source

During the luteal phase, progesterone slows gut motility, meaning digestion moves more slowly and things sit longer in your gut, which contributes to that bloated feeling. The oils in fennel relax the intestinal muscle, which speeds that movement back up, letting gas and everything else pass through more easily and easing that discomfort.

Hibiscus: The deep red color of hibiscus comes largely from anthocyanins, compounds with antioxidant activity that help calm oxidative stress and inflammation, and inflammation already runs higher during the luteal phase and PMS. Source

But the main reason hibiscus is here is its diuretic properties. Aldosterone is a hormone that tells your kidneys how much sodium and water to hold onto. At the beginning of the luteal phase, when progesterone rises, it blocks the same kidney receptors that aldosterone uses. So while progesterone is high, your body releases a little more sodium and water. Right before your period, when progesterone drops sharply, the kidneys sense that shift and aldosterone takes back control of those receptors, telling the kidneys to hold onto more sodium and water again, which drives premenstrual water retention and puffiness. Hibiscus acts as a natural diuretic, helping the kidneys release that excess fluid instead of holding onto it. Source

Tulsi (holy basil): One of the most commonly used Ayurvedic herbs worldwide, with substantial research showing benefits for stress regulation, cortisol, glucose metabolism, inflammation, immune function, and cognitive health. I added it here specifically for stress and cortisol.

Holy basil is an adaptogenic herb, meaning it helps your body adapt to physical and physiological stress, and the luteal phase and PMS are a form of physiological stress on the body. When you’re stressed, your sympathetic nervous system activates, leading to a chain reaction from your hypothalamus signaling your pituitary gland, which then signals your adrenal glands to release adrenaline and cortisol, raising your heart rate, blood pressure, and alertness. Research shows tulsi doesn’t simply lower cortisol; it may help your body respond to stress in the first place, so that response is less exaggerated. Source

Milk thistle: I’ve traditionally used milk thistle for liver support, to help the liver detoxify. During the luteal phase and PMS, the liver is under extra load because, as both estrogen and progesterone crash, the liver is responsible for breaking them down before they can be cleared through the gut or kidneys. Milk thistle’s active compound, silymarin, has been shown to interact with cytochrome P450, a large family of enzymes in the liver responsible for breaking down hormones, medications, and toxins so the body can clear them out. Source

Vitex: is one of the most well-studied herbs for hormone balance, and while I’m cautious about using that phrase, since there are so many hormones in the body to actually “balance” with one single herb, if there’s one herb that comes close, it’s vitex. It works primarily through your pituitary gland, which acts as your hormone system’s command center, sending signals that control several other hormones downstream. One of its main effects is lowering prolactin, the hormone that helps women produce milk during pregnancy, and when prolactin runs too high outside of pregnancy, it suppresses progesterone production and shortens the luteal phase. By lowering prolactin, vitex allows progesterone production to happen more fully, which is why I originally started using it. Source

Beyond that, vitex also interacts with dopamine, the pituitary gland’s main signal to suppress prolactin release, which is the mechanism vitex works through. It also interacts with opioid receptors, which are involved in pain and stress response, and estrogen receptors directly. It also influences luteinizing hormone and follicle-stimulating hormone, the two hormones that trigger ovulation. So rather than working on just one hormone, vitex acts on multiple points in that entire signaling system at once.

I hope this helps you the way it helped me.

This is the first article of a new subcategory on my Substack, I’m calling the Kitchen Apothecary. Where you will find recipes for functional beverages, wellness tonics, and elixirs, paired with the science and holistic properties behind each one. Starting with the next piece, the Kitchen Apothecary moves behind the paid subscription. Here’s what’s included each month, on top of everything in the free tier:

• A Kitchen Apothecary piece: recipe plus science

• A live call, ranging from nutritional coaching to cooking classes, as we find what works best for this community

• Full access to four nutritional and recipe articles a month

If you’re enjoying this kind of content and want to keep learning, consider becoming a paid subscriber.

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Don’t Kill People Tea

Ingredients

• Pineapple skin from 1 fresh pineapple, thoroughly washed

• 12 cups filtered water

• 1 knob fresh ginger, thinly sliced (about 6 slices)

• 2 tablespoons milk thistle seeds, lightly crushed

• 3 tablespoons dried lemon balm

• 1½ tablespoons fennel seeds

• 3 tablespoons dried hibiscus flowers

• 3 tablespoons dried tulsi (holy basil)

• 1½–2 tablespoons dried vitex

• 3 tablespoons dried berries, optional (mulberries, goldenberries)

Method

1. Add the pineapple skin and 12 cups of filtered water to a large pot.

2. Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer for 3 hours, until the liquid reduces to about 6 cups.

3. Lightly crush the milk thistle seeds to help with extraction.

4. Add the crushed milk thistle and sliced ginger to the pot. Simmer for 7–10 minutes.

5. Turn off the heat and add the lemon balm, fennel, hibiscus, tulsi, and vitex.

6. Cover the pot and allow the herbs to infuse for 5 minutes.

7. Strain the tea thoroughly.

8. Allow to cool, then refrigerate.

9. Serve chilled or over ice.

Optional sweetness: hibiscus gives this tea a naturally tart, sour flavor, so add the dried berries during the pineapple-skin simmer if you prefer a naturally sweeter tea. Alternatively, add a small amount of stevia or another preferred natural sweetener after the tea has cooled.

Note: You can adjust the amount of vitex between 1½ and 2 tablespoons, depending on individual sensitivity.

This article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. It is not a substitute for professional medical consultation, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult your doctor or a qualified healthcare provider before starting any new herbal remedy or supplement, especially if you are pregnant, nursing, managing a health condition, or taking medication.

Menopause gets all the attention, but perimenopause is the one nobody warns you about. Your hormones aren’t just declining, they’re swinging wildly, and it can start years before menopause, sometimes in your 30s, but more commonly in your 40s. It can last seven to ten years, although the timing and experience can vary greatly from woman to woman. There’s no warning from doctors, no real roadmap, and pretty much no treatment beyond hormone replacement therapy, which for me made my symptoms worse. It involves so many different body systems, more than just the reproductive one, your brain, your liver, your gut, your blood sugar, even your sleep, all get pulled into the chaos too.

When I turned forty, exactly to the day, it felt like my body said to me, “I’ve done all I could for you, and from now on, you’re on your own,” while dusting its hands off and walking away. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t remember shit. I was tired all the time. My mood swung so hard I felt hormonally pregnant, angry one minute, crying at a commercial the next. There was no more predictable pattern: tired and emotional before your period, energized and happy after, I felt like I was PMSing the whole month. I started having food reactions to ingredients I’d never had trouble with before; I was always bloated and couldn’t eat any carbs without gaining five pounds overnight, not even fruit. And the sugar cravings, oh my lord, I had no self-control.

I had so many random symptoms I couldn’t pin to exactly what was going on, so it sent me into a deep, obsessive research hole trying to figure out what was actually happening to my body. And the more I researched, the more I realized that these symptoms weren’t random at all. Here’s what I found.

Perimenopause isn’t one hormone slowly fading out. It’s a whole-body transition, with your hormones losing their rhythm and the chaos showing up everywhere: your brain, your liver, your gut, your blood sugar, your sleep, your cholesterol. And menopause? Technically, it’s just one day, the day marking twelve full months since your last period, when estrogen and progesterone have declined for good. Everything before that is perimenopause.

Progesterone is the first hormone to drop, and one of its roles is to keep estrogen in check. Without that control, estrogen doesn’t decline steadily like we tend to assume; it swings wildly, up and down. Progesterone also supports GABA, the calming neurotransmitter in your brain, so that is why stress and anxiety hit harder than they used to, and sleep gets interrupted.

The main problem in perimenopause is cortisol, the stress hormone. He is the goddamn reason you wake up between 3am and 5am, and can’t fall back asleep. It’s also tangled up with blood glucose and insulin in a loop that feeds on itself, cortisol releases blood glucose, which triggers insulin production, then blood glucose crashes, triggering cortisol production again, and round and round it goes, showing up as weight gain, insulin resistance, and metabolic disorder.

As if the sleep loss wasn’t enough to leave you struggling to think straight, estrogen also helps your brain use glucose for fuel, and as estrogen drops, so does the brain’s ability to use it. That’s why you can’t remember shit, and have brain fog.

And remember that fun glass of wine that helped you unwind and have a good time with your friends? You can’t do that anymore, because you’ll feel like a truck ran you over the next day. That’s because the liver is responsible for metabolizing both alcohol and hormones, and during perimenopause it’s already working overtime processing fluctuating estrogen. Research shows women in this stage break down alcohol twenty to thirty percent slower than they did in their reproductive years.

To put the cherry on top, everything and anything you eat or drink makes you bloated. You can wake up with a flat stomach, drink a glass of water, and now you’re bloated. That’s because estrogen and progesterone both help regulate gut motility, the speed at which food moves through your digestive tract, and gut permeability, how tightly your intestinal wall holds itself together. As these hormones fluctuate, digestion slows and that barrier gets leakier, leading to more bloating, gas, and irregularity.

There’s so much to explain about why and how each of these symptoms happens, that I’m turning this into a series where I go in depth on how perimenopause affects different areas of your body; this is just an overview. I will provide guidance and solutions on each in the articles to come, besides HRT. I won’t talk about HRT; my suggestion is to talk about that with your doctor. It wasn’t the solution for me, and I know women who felt better on it but still weren’t fully symptom-free.

In the meantime, here are ten easy solutions you can start implementing to feel better.

1. Cortisol. Do your best to decrease it. You can try adaptogenic herbs like ashwagandha and rhodiola, on paper they help, but I haven’t noticed a difference myself, try them if you want, our bodies are all different. The best solution for lowering my cortisol, sleeping better, and losing face puffiness was doing yin yoga at nighttime. I did twenty-minute classes online through Essence of Living TV, Michelle Cassidy was my yoga teacher in Australia, and to this day she’s still the best teacher I’ve ever had. I’m not getting anything out of this, it’s a genuine recommendation. You can find her here, or look up free yin yoga videos on YouTube.

2. Gut. Increase your consumption of fermented foods like raw sauerkraut and raw kimchi, make sure they’re raw so there’s still live organisms in them, I’ll teach you how to make sauerkraut when I write about the gut during this series. Add yogurt too if you digest dairy well. My favorite is coconut water kefir, there’s only one brand I’ve found in Los Angeles, Tonix, they’re pricey but they’re live, so you can use it as a base to start your own fermentation, more on that when we get to the gut article.

3. Blood sugar. Try the 30/30/30 method, 30 grams of protein within 30 minutes of waking, followed by 30 minutes of walking. When you wake up, cortisol spikes, and because cortisol and blood glucose are tangled up in that loop we talked about, your blood sugar spikes right along with it. Eating something high in protein slows that down, so your blood sugar rises steadily instead of spiking. Then the walk puts that glucose to use, your muscles burn through it so it doesn’t get stored as fat. I’ll share a high-protein breakfast recipe below to help you get started.

4. Inflammation. Lowering systemic inflammation isn’t easy, but a few things help. Try omega-3s, a normal dose during your follicular and ovulatory phases, then double the dose during your luteal and menstrual phases, since that’s when inflammation tends to increase in your body. Avoid foods that can increase inflammation, like gluten, dairy, and oats. I personally avoid all grains and legumes, and only eat protein, vegetables, fruit, and nuts and seeds because that is what I know works best for me.

5. Brain fog. Estrogen normally does two things in the brain, it keeps the glucose transporters in brain cells active, so glucose actually gets in efficiently, and it’s part of why the brain relies on glucose as its main fuel to begin with. When estrogen starts changing during perimenopause, that glucose uptake becomes less efficient, so your brain stops getting fueled the way it’s used to. Because of that gap, the brain starts leaning into ketones instead, for those of you who don’t know, ketones are just an alternative energy source your body makes by metabolizing fat instead of glucose. That’s why I started supplementing with ketones, and here’s the brand I use, Prüvit. To be transparent, I am an affiliate with this company, but that’s not why I recommend them. I’ve tried ketone shots, ketone gummies, everything out there, and for me and for some of my clients, Prüvit turned out to be the best tasting and the most effective. My lifesaver for brain fog right now is iced jasmine green tea with strawberry peach ketones mixed in.

6. Hydration. Getting mineral water in is more important than people realize, because filtered water strips out impurities, but it also strips out the minerals water naturally carries, like calcium, magnesium, potassium, and sodium, all of which help your body actually hydrate. I used to get gallons of Mountain Valley spring water delivered to my house, and when I didn’t have that, I’d just drink filtered water with a pinch of Celtic sea salt in the morning instead. Another delicious way to hydrate is drinking coconut water.

7. Sleep. Right before bed, sometimes even already in bed, do legs up the wall. Get your buttocks touching the wall, a pillow or bolster underneath also helps, then put your legs straight up for five to ten minutes, and stay in silence, ideally in a dark room. There’s real science behind why this works, elevating your legs triggers baroreceptors, pressure sensors in your neck and chest that monitor blood flow, and activating them flips your nervous system from fight-or-flight into rest-and-digest mode, while also helping blood flow back toward your heart instead of pooling in your legs. You’ll notice yourself getting sleepy fast.

8. Strength training. Estrogen decline speeds up muscle loss and bone loss, so it was important for me to get back to the gym and start building muscle and bone density again. Being active also burns through glycogen, glucose stored in your muscles, which makes room for your muscles to absorb glucose from your bloodstream afterward. That’s the information that got me back into it. It wasn’t something I did because I enjoyed it, at the beginning I didn’t, I just made myself go because it was medicine I had to take every day, like a pill I couldn’t skip. It took a long time before I actually saw results, but I wasn’t doing it to look muscly, I was doing it to stay healthy. I also made sure to find a gym with a sauna, and I’d go in every time after, not just to relax, but because sweating supports detoxification.

9. Mental health. Women are two to four times more likely to have a major depressive episode during perimenopause than in the years before it, because fluctuating estrogen directly affects serotonin and other mood-regulating brain chemistry. Understanding that made me so much more compassionate with myself. I started treating myself the way I’d treat a friend going through a brutal period or bad PMS, and that compassion brought me back to myself in a way that’s hard to explain. I stopped feeling guilty when I didn’t finish my to-do list. I stopped pushing myself on the days I felt exhausted, because I understood that was my body asking for rest, not weakness, and I needed to work with it instead of against it.

10. Community and connection. Once I understood what was actually going on with my body, I started sharing it with the friends around me, and it turned out most of them were dealing with similar symptoms, or different ones, even if they weren’t in perimenopause yet. Just talking openly about hormones and our cycles made me feel so much more connected. Eventually we’d end up laughing about it together, like, what the hell is even happening in our bodies? But that connection, that shared laughter, was genuinely good for me.

I know this is a lot, especially for a woman who is already overwhelmed by just being alive, but knowledge is power. Pick one or two things you can start implementing according to your needs. To help you, at the end of each article, I will be sharing a recipe- not just a good recipe, but functional nutrition, turning food into medicine. Here’s a breakfast with 30 grams of protein.

Everything Bagel Smoked Salmon Omelet

Ingredients:
3 eggs
1 splash almond milk, regular milk, or water
1 pinch salt
1/2 tablespoon butter
1 tablespoon cream cheese
3 slices smoked salmon
Everything bagel seasoning, to taste
Sliced red onion, raw or pickled, and capers, optional

Method:

1. Crack the eggs into a bowl with the salt and a splash of milk or water, and whisk well until fully combined.

2. Heat a nonstick pan over medium heat and melt the butter, swirling it to coat the pan, it shouldn’t brown or sizzle.

3. Pour in the eggs, then immediately start stirring with a spatula in one hand while gently shaking the pan with the other, keeping the eggs moving constantly in small circular motions so they form soft curds rather than one solid sheet.

4. Once the eggs are mostly set but still a little soft on top, dollop the cream cheese around the center in small spoonfuls, then sprinkle with the everything bagel seasoning.

5. Layer on the smoked salmon, and add the onion or capers if using.

6. Fold the omelet in half like closing a book, slide it onto a plate, and serve with a simple arugula salad on the side.

If you want more mornings like this one, the Morning Grounding Cookbook has seven more cortisol-lowering, protein-and-movement-built recipes, plus the shopping list and science behind why this actually works.

Still dealing with symptoms that feel impossible to pin down, brain fog, mood swings, blood sugar chaos, or all of it at once? This is exactly the kind of thing we’d map out together.

Book a Nutrition and Ayurveda Consultation

Book here.

This is a two-hour deep dive into your body, your habits, and your goals. We go through your daily routine, what you eat, how you sleep, your energy levels, your exercise, your mindset, and from there I determine your Ayurvedic dosha, understand your metabolism, and map out exactly where you are and where you want to be.

This is a strategy built entirely around you, your body type, your emotional relationship with food, your lifestyle, and what is actually sustainable for you long term. You’ll walk away with a clear understanding of your body, a nutrition and Ayurveda framework tailored specifically to you, and a starting point for a diet change that actually lasts.

This article is for educational and informational purposes only and reflects my personal experience and nutritional knowledge. It is not medical advice and should not replace the guidance of a qualified healthcare professional. Please consult your doctor before making significant changes to your diet, particularly if you are managing a health condition or taking medication.

We are taught to build on solid ground. A stable job. A stable love. A body that’s healthy. A mind that’s calm. That’s supposed to be the foundation, and only once it’s there do we get to build the life on top of it, the happy version, the successful one, the fulfilled one. So when I realized what I actually had to do, it stopped me cold. I wasn’t building on solid ground. The pain itself was the foundation. Not after it. Not once it was gone. On top of it, while it was still there, still raw, still moving through me.

He was supposed to be the bridge. The new version of me, whatever that was going to become, was being built around him; he was the reason why. When he died, the bridge collapsed, and everything I was rebuilding collapsed with it. I wasn’t just grieving him. I had already let go of twenty years of identity as a chef. The Italy dream was gone. I was in Spain, not knowing who I was or what came next, trying to create a new version of myself, and he was the only thread connecting me to that future. And then he was gone too. I was standing at ground zero. No chef identity. No dream. No dog. No clear next self. Just the pain underneath my feet.

If you haven’t read Part One, I’d start there. This is where the story continues.

For one month, my life completely stopped. I couldn’t talk without crying. I couldn’t sleep. I just existed inside the pain, and I begged God for answers. Where should I go? What should I be? What should I do? How could he have taken him from me? I never felt so lost in my life, no purpose, no reason why.

Since I left the US, I had been trying to go back to the last version of myself I recognized. The one that was truly happy. The one who lived in Australia. I kept coming back to this specific memory. Wearing a white dress, walking down the street, and bumping into a friend. She told me she could feel a great vibe and energy coming off me. She was happy to see me that way. I remember feeling grounded, connected, spiritual that day. Joyful and confident, for no specific reason.

During that whole period of my life, I was surrounded by spiritual people and spiritual books, and I felt deeply connected to my soul. Spiritual traditions teach that we are a soul living inside a body, that the body is temporary and the soul is what’s real, what continues. Most people live the opposite way, believing they are the body, that this life and this form is all there is. Back then, I lived on the soul side of that line. I was more connected to my soul than to my body.

And during the fifty-four days with Rafiki, I felt her coming back. That light feeling of happiness, growing inside of me, just from being alive. So I knew what I had to do. I had to find her again. I started going to nervous system regulation events, cacao ceremonies, feminine dance circles. And then I went to something called the Festival of Consciousness.

That’s the day everything started to shift.

At the festival, there was a workshop called Talking to Your Dog. I thought about going. I wanted to. But just the idea of it already made me cry. I couldn’t put myself through that much pain again. It had been a month, and I had let myself feel everything; I didn’t want to avoid it, mask it, or push through anything. So instead of going into the workshop, I sat outside under the trees on a pile of cushions, watching people walk by and listening to others chat. And in that moment, I decided the best thing I could do was try to understand the pain. So I pulled out my phone and asked Claude to give me different points of view about pain, from philosophy, religion, or studies- anything.

Here’s what came back:

The Buddhist view: pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Pain is the sensation. Suffering is the story we build around it, the resistance to it. There’s an old parable: a mother whose child has died begs the Buddha to bring him back. He tells her he will, if she can find one house in the village untouched by death. She goes door to door. She finds none. She comes back understanding that grief is not a punishment. It’s universal.

The Sufi view: pain and loss can be a blessing in disguise, a transitional point, a bridge to something new. As the playwright Tom Stoppard once put it, look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.

Rumi’s view, through the image of the reed flute: the reed is cut from the reed bed, and it cries because of that separation. But it’s the hollowness, the wound of being cut, that allows it to make music at all. Pain and separation are what create the capacity for depth and beauty.

The Christian mystical tradition calls it the dark night of the soul. A period of total darkness, of losing your sense of self, not as punishment, but as a threshold. The old self has to be dismantled before a deeper one can form.

And then there’s a more modern, almost mathematical version of the same idea, from the meditation teacher Shinzen Young: suffering equals pain times resistance. The pain is real. But how much you suffer depends on how hard you fight against what already happened.

At that moment, I realized I had to build my life on top of the pain. Not move past it. Not wait for it to fade. The pain of losing Rafiki, and everything that went with him, was never going to disappear, and I didn’t want it to. I will always miss him. I will always love him. I will always wish I had him with me. But the pain was also the thing still connecting me to him. Letting go of it felt like letting go of him. So there was nothing to fight, nothing to move on from. There was only the pain, and me, and the life still waiting to be built. On top of it. With it. Like a new friend.

Later that afternoon, there was a meditation workshop. And during the meditation, the teacher asked us to strip away everything we are not. Our bodies. Our beliefs. Our names. Our identity. Everything we had built ourselves to be. And underneath all of that, to find what was left.

And underneath all of that, I found a ball of golden light. I connected with it, and something in me just softened. Peace. Happiness. A warmth spreading through my chest, right where my heart is. In that moment, I realized that light was my soul. That was the version of myself I had been trying so hard to go back to, the one who lived in Australia, the one who felt whole. As the teacher began ending the meditation, calling us back into our bodies, back into the present moment, I didn’t want to leave her. I begged the ball of light to come back with me. I was crying, telling her how much I needed her, how much I wanted her in my life.

The next morning, I felt called to wear a white dress, the perfect kind for a warm summer day in Barcelona. I went to grab a coffee nearby, and the moment I walked in, I felt a strange energy in the room. I sensed it before I understood it, and then I just knew: I had to be intentional, extra nice, extra soft. So I was. And as I grabbed my coffee and walked out, I felt it. That lightness. Not around me, inside me. She had come back with me.

If this piece moved you and you’d like to support my work, I usually write from coffee shops around Barcelona. You can buy me a coffee here — it means more than you know.

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Every time I walked the strand — a few times a week, never on a schedule — I would stop to smell the roses. Literally. Hundreds of them lining the path, the Pacific stretching out behind them, and for however long that walk lasted, something in me was still. I didn’t walk to exercise. I walked for my …

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There is a pot on my stove right now. It has been simmering for the past three hours, and the smell filling my apartment is so intense that Rafiki — my dog — has been circling the kitchen, pressing his nose against everything, unable to leave. I can’t blame him. It smells like home.

I make chicken bone broth every single week because this one pot solves …

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