Sometimes I think it might have been some form of karma for something that I've done in the past. Maybe a past life calling in like smoke signals through an empty universe.

It made me question everything about myself, not just because I wasn't chosen, but because it felt like I finally was. At least, until the reality of what was happening came to light. The betrayal I felt was in the most sad and severe way.

My energy was being siphoned down through my constellation to fulfill theirs. No, it wasn't just that I was not chosen. That’s not why this hurt so bad. It was a culmination of things that started with not being chosen and ended with being used.

It changed my demeanor and caused me to be less kind and gentle for a while. I turned into a hollow body that once used to be full of bright twinkling stars. It was me that made their stars so bright and all I had to do was sacrifice my own light. I felt like there was no reason to be as bright anymore.

But then I found myself again and realized that allowing someone to take away the core values of myself contributed to the problem. It's hard for others to choose you if you were never choosing yourself first.

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Trigger Warning:
Pet loss, grief, sadness, death

Mental health for everyone is important, so skip as you need.

I remember everything about the night he left me. It was sad, it was beautiful, and it seemed like the longest night of my life. I called my goddaughter at almost 7 am, crying, exclaiming to her that I thought that day was going to be it. I think she knew it, too. Even in her sleep, she felt that something was wrong and expected my call and picked up after only one ring. I was on my way to do hair for a wedding, and I felt so guilty leaving PJ that morning. My only saving grace was the fact that I had a camera in my living room just to watch him when I was at work. I met with my family on the way home from work that day. They comforted me and tried to console me by telling me that it was not the time for him. That he would be ok after all and be with me a little bit longer. Truthfully, I knew the night before. That night was so hard, and I didn’t sleep at all. He was symptomatic and pre-emptively going into kidney failure, high blood pressure, or reactions to the injections he received that day.

His doctor called me at 9 pm that night to let me know she was going on vacation the next day through the 14th, his next appointment. She wanted to make sure that I felt supported in her absence and gave me resources to help myself and to help PJ if things escalated or if I had questions in the following days. I told her what was going on, and she reminded me that if things escalated, he could be evaluated in the emergency room, but to keep in mind the very compassionate choice that I hated to even consider, but would only consider because he didn’t deserve to suffer on my behalf. She insisted that I give him 24 hours and make my decision if, after the 24 hours, he still had escalating symptoms. I never once thought about his mortality like this. Not even in the week prior, when I declined to admit him back into the ICU due to his elevated kidney levels. Honestly, I didn’t want him to go through that again. I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable or die alone inside a hospital where I couldn’t be at his side.

He has been the only boy who has ever truly loved me, and I owed him the world. Yet, I still didn’t think about his death as a result. Since November, I lived each day as a full-time caretaker to him. I woke up early to start his feeding and med schedule, went to work, came home to his med schedule, feeding, and the IV I had to administer each day. I was in a constant loop. It was all I could do to ensure he got the fighting chance he deserved. The day he was born, I was sure he was meant to be mine, and I had committed to giving him the best life I could while he was with me. I lost friends due to my lack of availability through all of this, but I still knew that he needed me the most. PJ never left my side for anything, and I made sure he knew I would do the same for him. I didn’t sleep that night. He was so lethargic, and when he wanted to walk around, he couldn’t very well due to being so wobbly.

Scared that he would fall off the bed, I made a bed on the floor for us. Neither of us slept. He was mostly uncomfortable and tried to walk around the house. I layed and watched him, closely monitoring his symptoms. There were moments where he asked me to help him onto the couch cushions I layed on the floor, and he would nestle his face near my heart, looking up at me with his sweet little eyes. I know now that was his way of telling me goodbye. He knew, I knew. When I got home from doing that wedding, I layed with him and talked to him, and he didn’t seem like his symptoms were getting any better. So, through the tears that started to well in my eyes, I asked him, “Would you like me to release you from your physical body?” His eyes softened; they looked so loving, and his whole body relaxed and softened. It was at that moment that I knew what he wanted. I could barely make out any words when I called my friends and family to let them know, but they knew what was happening based on the sound of my heart shattering and escaping through deep, constant exhales, that inevitably turned into a severe panic attack that almost sent me to the hospital. My only saving grace to calm down was the fact that I couldn’t let him go through this alone, and he needed me now more than ever.

Over the course of the next hour, around 10 people had shown up at my house to say their goodbyes. I opted for an at-home euthanization. I wanted him to be comfortable and next to me when it had to happen. The vet who would be doing the procedure only had 1:30 am available or the following day. Based on what I saw in his declining symptoms, I knew PJ could not wait until the next day. So, we all hunkered down and agreed to the 1:30 am appointment. I let my family take their time holding him and loving on him. He ate his favorite things, salmon and tuna. Both of which he couldn’t have anymore due to the high phosphorus content, and he just layed there being hand-fed like the prince he was. Over the next few hours, he stopped being able to move his body. He couldn’t do anything but hold his head up. He was so weak. I did my best to be strong around him.

He had months of me crying over him every day, and I didn’t want his last day on earth to be spent with me inconsolably crying over him some more. By 9 pm, his kidneys had fully shut down, and all he could do was lie there looking around at everyone. I held his paw for the next few hours. We sat on the couch just like we used to, him on top of the pillow on my lap. Once the vet arrived, she knew. She didn’t need to examine him because the toxin build-up from his kidneys shutting down caused him to smell like ammonia. I asked that she proceed immediately with it, as I never once wanted him to suffer. I never wanted him to feel any pain. But I know he did suffer that night, even if just for a little bit.

He had everything he needed and everyone he needed. My goddaughter made him the most beautiful flower crown to wear as he passed. My family brought him flowers and prayed for him. Everything was so quick, and as sad as I was to lose him, I was happy that he was free from his illness. He fought so hard for so long, and I will forever be so proud of him. He was never just a cat. He was my best friend, my only constant in this wavering world. For almost 18 years, he was the shadow that greeted me at the door every day when I got home. He was the Garfield awaiting dinner when I got home late at night, when I was in hair school. He was the alarm clock that patiently waited for me to get up each morning. He was always with me and always will be.

PJ por siempre.

The first thing I want to touch on is my Nostalgic Collection.

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I never had to think about how or when I started loving you.
I just did. 
Now, as I look to forgetting you, I have to convince myself
that I don’t remember what you look like and
tell myself that what I felt was never real.

Lately, I’ve been deep in this war with myself over it.
Remembering can be so precious but so sad at the same time.
Because what was it about me that you didn't like?
Why was my love never enough for you?
Those are questions that I will never have an answer to

If I could go back to every time you said,
“Your feelings are important to me. They always have been,"
 and stopped you right in your tracks, 
I wouldn't have had to spend countless nights wondering
what that actually meant.

I wouldn't have had to question why my feelings could never
be considered. It just meant that you don't care about them.
So, in truth, they were never that important to you. 
But maybe we can try again in another lifetime. 

I straddle the fine lines between 
removing myself from any sign of life that had you in it
 and remembering what it felt like to hug you.
The familiar scent, and the warmth you carried as you would hold me.
Both are becoming fading memories that linger
just enough to keep an etching in my head.

Lately, I've been spending more time trying to figure out
how to disappear entirely so that you won't be able to have
a memory of me left, not even a glimpse to savor
And with a snap of my fingers, I would be gone.

It's true what they say, 
that you could live in the same city and never see each other again,
because once the spell is broken, you never cross paths.
I used to think that was an old wives' tale, but we have become ghosts.
Not even a footprint remains as a path that can lead us back.

And then I woke up one day.
No feelings and no flowers to be laid at the grave.
No more grieving what once was because
I no longer mourned you, and I ceased to wait
I no longer looked for you in my heart or my mind.

And if you did ever tell me everything I've ever wanted to hear,
How do I know that it’s not going to feel like icicles shooting through my heart
like the daggers on the coldest winter day?
How do I know to trust the words you say, when they've always
sounded sweet, but has always been laced with poison?

The sun doesn’t shine overhead any longer.
The clouds came in long before I could even notice the storm.
The final chapter written was the shortest one yet 
because you chose to be part of my past instead of my future. 

The saddest part is knowing that I couldn't love you forever. 
Loving you was like a sad fever dream where the grief
had a funny and unexpected way of showing up. 
A yearning so long that if I never hug you again 
for the rest of my life, then that proves to be the only thing
to look forward to because I just know I'll never give myself
the chance to hate you.

If the days pass and you think of me less and less as the clock ticks past each hour, then we were never meant to walk this path together.

Sometimes absence can feel so hollow, but for some, you can’t recognize the absence when your heart isn’t missing anything.

My heart yelled as loud as it could.
The silence echoes back at me, confirming your absence.

as the fresh white snow

that has now covered this beautiful

green grass.

the flowers that want to bloom,

can only do so once this sadness passes.

with our crystal crowns bestowed upon our heads

overseeing all the in between.

I lived in this glass castle where all of my love

And the memories we shared were

strung up over each wall for all to see.

They looked just like wallpaper that played

like a movie rolling in real time.

I have been surrounded by the love I gave you

for so long that I could no longer see the outside.

It shaded me, mimicking the trees stretched towards the sky

in a densely filled forest.

Until one day you set it all ablaze.

Knowing that you never wanted me to hate you

and that I actually don’t

or

The fact that sometimes I wish I had never met you to begin with

Tucked hidden deep between the sheets and
drowning in the aroma of what they keep
and where my words tend to seep

I let the sweat roll down like water onto the edge
to find its way through the darkness.
Seeping through the veins, a rushing
hot blood with an exploratory force
but somehow keeps you breathing.

Outside the ocean sleeps wildly
inside the dim light of the moon.
I can hear the waves ache as they crash endlessly,
rowing back and forth, trying to reach
the center of your existence

and hoping to find a brighter light
while this darkness sweeps along,
a lullaby singing through the air
like a passing wind whistling straight through
surrounding the empty company I keep.

The avoidance

of efforts barely made, like

clouds crossing a crisp blue sky

that started to mold and gray

spoken words casting out like lost airplanes

with no pilot and losing control

zipping through a boundless blue



"I’m sorry I've been distant"

spoken like an astronaut on Mars

radioing down to earth through

a tin can strung past layers of

atmosphere and sentimientos

echoing straight into my heart



Your words echoed all around me

as I braced myself for the crash

with oxygen bags strung above my head,

but I still can't seem to breathe

I still see you when I look up to the sky

Your red flag staked in the ground

a reminder of how many times I've loved you

and lost

loving you

was like

playing

russian roulette

and the odds

have never been

in my favor

The bravest version of myself.

But still, as I free fall forward

towards you like a comet

speeding towards the Earth

ready to wreak havoc

and completely destroy life

as I knew it,

I have to remember all of the wrongs.

The pieces of us that never went right.

I was my own disaster rushing forward

to my imminent death.

But how brave I was to love you.

To continue speeding fast

towards you with no breaks,

I was the daredevil, and you,

you were the sun

that inevitably caused my demise.

I’ll be sharing my rough drafts and tidbits for my paid subscribers (thank you, endlessly) for some behind-the-scenes of my writing process as it progresses into a finished, shareable piece. Please enjoy the rawness.

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And the only difficult part for me is the fact that
I don’t know if letting you go means forgetting you as well.
And if it doesn’t, what does that mean?

How do I act?

I know that there is nothing I can do to change these facts
but fuck.

What I would give for just one more hug from you.

I have to steer clear of the things I want and
only go for the things I deserve.

Sometimes they are the same,
but most of the time they are not. I don’t feel like I have much
control. Everything is at my disposal, and yet I still feel
like I am not the one calling the shots.

when I caught them like a sickness

my nose sniffled and my eyes welled

it was in the deep dark night

when I made the realization

that all I’ve got in this body

are unreturned forget-me-nots

that stormed and swelled

filling my stomach with knots

the blush of my cheeks

were a temperature hot like a piercing sun

symptoms of this fever running through my blood

and as it boils, and my heart begins to thud

this cold, called feelings

kept me in bed as it started to turn to love