And one of my favorite things about it has nothing to do with the plot.

Actually, I enjoy watching people. (Not in a creepy way, just to be clear.)

I like watching what they do when they’re angry, what they say when they’re afraid, how they treat the people they love, and the decisions they make when they don’t know what to do.

And maybe that’s why I’ve learned so much about myself through fictional characters.

I read Pride & Prejudice for the first time when I was 12 or 13 years old.

Watching how Elizabeth Bennet would react to situations, her environment, and the people around her without being rude or allowing others to step on her was fascinating to me.

In my previous reflection about retiring the Good Girl, I shared all the things that I used to be and do just to stay in people’s good graces and avoid rejection.

So for me, Elizabeth represented the ideal woman in a world that always expects something from you and punishes you when you don’t deliver.

Obviously, I didn’t have the language for it when I was 12.

But each time I read the book again, I think Elizabeth represented something I desperately needed to learn:

How to be myself without making myself smaller for other people.

And then, we have Darcy.

Where Elizabeth taught me how to take up space, Darcy taught me that standards can become a cage, too.

He was a man with such power that no matter where he went, people expected a certain behavior from him. And yet, he didn’t fall for any of it.

However, his narrow-minded perspective on who others should be and how they should behave exposed the limitations his own standards subjected him to.

It felt conflicting for me to realize that having boundaries and standards, when they become too rigid, can become a prison.

And that got me wondering:

How many things in life do we miss or lose because we’re too fixated on how things should be according to our beliefs?

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Fiction & Real Life Characters

Being a witness to a character’s predicaments, their mistakes, and the way they change their minds is fascinating to me.

Even more so as I grow older.

I think I can trace back the beginning of this habit of noticing people’s behavior to when I first read this book.

Elizabeth is described as someone who enjoys staying in the background, watching and listening to people without reserve.

Even if she did this to find the absurdities that many people do just to be accepted by others and laugh, she was still kind and polite to people others ignored because she seemed capable of seeing more in them than everyone else did.

Maybe I’m not as bored as she was that one of her forms of entertainment was watching other people.

But I definitely found value in the qualities she was mastering.

I have shared in a previous podcast episode that I learned to speak less by watching others make mistakes because they shared too much.

I also find it incredibly beneficial to stay in the background and just watch.

Pattern recognition has been a thing for me for a while now.

Even when I had no idea that’s what I was doing all those years ago.

Not to say that I always do it nowadays.

I’m not meeting people with the intention of recognizing their patterns. But I am very aware of words and behaviors that frequently don’t match.

And fiction allows me to do something similar.

It allows me to argue with a character.
To reflect.
To question their decisions.

And to learn new ways to see the same situation.

As patterns emerge in a story, I start seeing them from a different perspective and put myself in the position of a learner.

Because each character reacts differently to the same issue, using their experiences as the blueprint.

And I believe that’s something we forget to do. To see people’s reactions through the lens of their own experiences.

Just as we move through life using the knowledge we acquired while growing up.

Nowadays, I refer to life as a story in which each person is the main character and everyone else is playing a supporting role.

And each time I recognize a pattern in myself and others, I almost immediately start thinking about what I’ve seen (or read) that happens next.

I don’t do it to predict or judge someone. Sometimes I just can’t help myself, and I start thinking about possible outcomes.

Sometimes doing that has helped me avoid painful or awkward situations.

But I know I won’t be right all the time.

There must be room for things to unfold as they are supposed to as well.

Recognizing Myself in Fiction

The one character from Pride & Prejudice that would often give me the ick was Jane Bennet.

Her sweet and oftentimes naive personality made me feel very uncomfortable.

Sometimes even angry.

Maybe because that’s how I would describe the “Good Girl” I learned to be out of survival.

So, even when I recognized her good qualities and truly hoped for a happy ending for her, seeing how much unnecessary suffering she went through by concealing her feelings and always performing composure made me think if I would have a similar fate.

Women are taught to keep our inner worlds private, to conceal our feelings and emotions, and share a palatable version of our desires with others.

So, I saw so much of myself in her while deeply thinking that I wanted to be more like Elizabeth.

I wanted the freedom to be myself, even if some people wouldn’t approve.

I wanted to be witty and courageous enough to defend myself without using any harsh words or sounding defensive.

Even doing it with a smile on my face.

I wanted Elizabeth’s ability to have a rich and meaningful conversation with anyone around her without feeling more or less than herself.

She wouldn’t entertain or accept rude behavior from anyone. Something I was too used to doing and didn’t know how to stop.

She would also speak her mind with elegance and composure or decide to stay silent without costing her others’ respect.

People would value her presence and respect her opinion.

I truly believe it all came from the way she carried herself.

And for me, that was an admirable form of confidence and self-respect that I recognized early on I desperately needed to improve for myself.

The lesson I got from reflecting on this was something I’ve carried with me ever since:

Sometimes the characters we admire show us who we’re becoming.
While the characters that frustrate us show us the person we’ve been.

What Fiction Lets Me See

In books, we get a little glimpse of a character’s inner world.

We become witnesses to their thought process as they make sense of their environment and the people around them.

And noticing the things that trigger certain responses has helped me see more clearly why humans behave in certain ways.

This is one of the things I find most fascinating about fiction: I get to learn about the thought process behind a decision.

I can’t do this in real life.

When someone behaves strangely, I only get to see the outside.

In a book, I get to see the inside, too.

I can watch someone misunderstand another person and understand exactly why they did it.

I can watch someone decide out of fear.

I can watch someone change their mind.

I can watch the moment someone realizes they were wrong.

Being able to participate in a character’s decision-making process helps me see the gaps in my own understanding about life and everything in it.

It has also helped me see people’s struggles with more compassion without necessarily excusing their behavior.

I can’t predict how someone will behave after losing something or someone precious to them.

Or when they are angry at themselves, other people, and even me.

But reading and reflecting on the decisions fictional characters make during various situations has helped me see those behaviors from another perspective.

And maybe that’s one of the most underrated things fiction can teach us:

Changing our minds is part of growing up.

Evolving is part of growing up.

Updating our beliefs is part of growing up.

Being open to accepting our mistakes, owning them, and showing up as better versions of ourselves changes how we interact with people and life.

There’s no perfect way to live.

And many people forget that for themselves and others.

Learning to accept being misunderstood and not taking things personally are also life skills that we can learn from other people.

Being curious about life and other people’s perspectives can be a doorway to greater understanding of ourselves and what drives us.

Most times, when I think a character will react a certain way to a situation, I feel slightly proud when they don’t.

Not because I was wrong.

But because I get to learn another way to see it.

Fiction Became a Safe Place to Study Myself

Books gave me a safe place to learn more about myself.

Learning about human behavior and the ways humans tend to react to different experiences has always fascinated me.

So being able to do just that privately, anywhere I am, feels like a wonderful way I get to spend my time.

I accept humbly that I didn’t understand some lessons until much later in life.

But the fact that I was already open to learning changed many things for me.

Because being able to recognize myself in fictional characters gave me time to explore things at my own pace without shame or judgement.

I also learned about the power of self-reflection early on, even if I didn’t really use it until much later.

Nowadays, I would watch a character respond in a certain way and think:

“Oh. I do that too.”

Or read about one making a decision that seems completely illogical and think:

“I hate this, but I understand why they’re doing it.”

Or reach the end of a story and realize:

“Maybe I was wrong about them.”

And honestly, I think that’s a pretty good exercise for adulthood.

Because adulthood is about realizing that things are not always as we think they are.

It’s about becoming comfortable with the possibility that our first interpretation might not be right.

It’s about being open to people doing what’s best for them even when we don’t understand them at first.

And sometimes, it’s realizing that we don’t know as much as we thought we did.

Final Thoughts

I love watching people.

Maybe that’s why I keep coming back to fiction.

I get to watch people make mistakes without having to make them myself.

I get to see what happens when pride wins, when fear makes a decision, when someone refuses to change, and even when someone eventually does.

I get to meet people who don’t exist and somehow recognize parts of myself in them.

I get to admire qualities I want to develop.

I get to recognize behaviors I’ve outgrown.

I get to question my assumptions.

And then I get to close the book and return to my everyday life with a little more perspective.

So fiction is not an escape from reality for me.

It’s one of the ways I understand it.

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Easy to live with.
Easy to ask for things.
Easy to disappoint.
Easy to forgive.

I didn’t know that’s what I was learning. I just knew that being nice, agreeable, helpful, successful, and quiet usually kept things peaceful.

So, she followed the rules.

Got good grades.
Helped without being asked.
Didn’t make people uncomfortable.
Said yes quickly.
Kept her anger to herself…
You get the idea.

It was expected of me not to go against the current. And somewhere along the way, being kind became being convenient.

So, the opposite of these were behaviors that made me feel like I was being difficult, inconsiderate, disrespectful, and even ungrateful:

Speaking my mind.
Crying when I was emotionally heavy.
Not saying “yes” to requests immediately.
Saying I didn’t like something I received (especially gifts)
Doing things only for myself, or not sharing something I got.
Protecting my time and energy by saying “no” when I was busy or tired.

From a very young age, I learned to prioritize being liked over being respected.

Because being disliked, disappointing people, or making them uncomfortable felt almost unbearable. Especially my mom.

Ever since I was old enough to realize how much work she did to support our family, it became my mission to support her somehow.

I didn’t want to be another thing she needed to worry about. So the Good Girl was born.

I thought being easy would make life easier for everyone around me.

And she made sure that affection remained available and people were happy.

But now, as a 30-year-old woman, I finally retired her.

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What did she cost me?

For years, I tolerated rudeness from people whom I thought knew better. Sometimes, I would receive unfair treatment or less than I deserved.

This was a huge deal in relationships with friends, people older than me, romantic partners, and even roommates I’ve had.

Since my university days, I’ve interacted with many people and experienced various living situations.

Some people took my stuff without my permission; others would eat my food. I even remember someone ate the birthday cake I received from my friends.

I was so upset and hurt, but the thought of confronting the person who did it felt so wrong somehow that I didn’t do anything.

Which is incredibly ridiculous and sad at the same time.

I became incredibly good at reading people’s moods and hyper-aware of their comfort, adapting myself to them instead of taking space.

Explaining myself when I didn’t actually owe anyone an explanation was something I did all the time.

I hated feeling misunderstood or that I did something wrong in other people’s eyes. So I was always trying to explain my reasoning for doing or saying something.

Then constantly seeking approval because I lacked confidence.

But here’s the thing: Being considerate isn’t the problem.

Because I value gentleness, empathy, thoughtfulness, reliability, responsibility, and kindness deeply.

The problem was that I had confused love with availability. Responsibility with obedience. Kindness with compliance. Consideration with self-neglect. Disagreement with rejection.

So, I learned to keep my thoughts to myself. I would have hobbies or favorite things I did that I never shared with anyone.

I would rather spend my time alone than with other people because I knew they expected a version of me that I was not comfortable with performing anymore.

I would only be this girl when it was necessary or unavoidable, which sounds pretty sad and exhausting… Because it was.

I genuinely thought that if I stopped being this “Good Girl,” I would become a bad person.

Which obviously is not true. You can continue being kind. You just retire the performance.

Someone’s disappointment is not my emergency

At some point, being agreeable stopped feeling like kindness and started feeling like self-abandonment.

This was even more pronounced when I started travelling, and I settled in Spain with a family for a while.

In Good Girl fashion, I did my best to adapt to them and their home.

I would help or support them when they needed it. But what started as acts of kindness ended up feeling like obligations.

They began expecting me to take care of things that were not my responsibility.

And for months, I struggled to reconcile feeling like I was being taken advantage of and also not wanting to be rude to them.

When I finally spoke up about it, they didn’t like it and started treating me differently. They were colder and sometimes disrespectful.

They never said “thank you” for the help I gave them, and that was also another red flag I noticed about them.

That’s when I realized that someone being disappointed with me didn’t mean I had done something wrong.

And after that, I noticed that I had been putting their comfort over my own. Again.

So, “being selfish” stopped feeling like a bad thing.

Which then led me to think and ask myself: What if what I called selfishness was actually self-respect?

Because I wasn’t being cruel to them.

I was setting a boundary.
I was protecting my time and energy.
I was focusing on my sleep quality.
I was saying no with gentleness and respect.
I was refusing to carry responsibilities that weren’t mine.
I was allowing other adults to manage their own emotions.
I was still helping but on my own terms.

That realization helped me understand that other people’s disappointment wasn’t an emergency I needed to tend.

So when the moment to move on came, I didn’t explain my reasons.

I kept the move to myself until it was days away from happening. I didn’t bring up the issues that were happening. I didn’t overapologize.

I made my decision, shared it when the time came, and continued living my life.

However, I do recognize that the Good Girl still appears sometimes.

And she tricks me into feeling guilty for saying no.
Or she nudges me to explain my decisions.
Or keeps me for hours thinking about situations when someone is unhappy with me.
Or makes me feel responsible for other people’s emotions.

But here’s the thing: now, when I recognize her attempts to take control, I stop. I listen. Then, I act.

Now, being good means…

Today, being good starts with being good to myself, too.

I can treat my feelings and needs with care and not judgment.

I can be compassionate without abandoning myself.

I can give myself the same (or more) love and compassion I give to others when I’m going through difficult seasons.

I can help others without being available all the time.

I can listen to my emotions and what my body is telling me instead of ignoring them.

I can say no to people and situations without making a court case out of it.

I can protect my time and energy without feeling guilty about it.

I can show up and help because I choose to. Not because I need proof and receipts that I am a good person.

Final Thoughts

The Good Girl gave me some beautiful qualities that I consider essential in my life: consideration, responsibility, empathy, thoughtfulness, reliability.

She wasn’t the villain. She wasn’t weak or completely wrong.

Because she protected me when I needed it most and got me where I am today.

But little by little, what started as protection became a prison for me. And eventually, she became too expensive to keep.

So now, I don’t need to perform goodness in exchange for approval anymore.

The Good Girl isn’t dead. She’s retired.

She doesn’t have to earn her place anymore.

She can still be kind.
She can still care.
She can still help.

But now, she gets to choose.

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I was choosing my career.
Choosing my next steps.
Choosing what a responsible adult “looked like.”

However, most of those decisions started with two words:

I should.

I should do this.
I should do that.
I should have my life figured out by now.

And it took me more years than I want to admit to realize that some of those expectations were never mine to begin with.

So, in this reflection, I share what happened when I started noticing those expectations, and how I changed the “I should” to “I choose.”

Because becoming an adult maybe isn’t about learning how to meet everyone’s expectations.

Maybe it’s about learning what expectations were never yours to carry.

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Here’s what I explore:

• How “should” shaped my decisions without me even realizing it

• Why other people’s expectations can become louder than your voice

• The difference between making your own decisions and making a decision that disappoints the fewest people

• What it feels to listen to your own voice

• Why freedom is more than doing what you want

• The connection bewteen your choices and the person you’re becoming

• How to start questioning the expectations you’ve inherited

Credits: Music by audionautix.com

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I know that sounds a bit heavy. But please, stay with me.

I'm not here to judge someone else's choices. I'm interested in what observing them taught me about myself, relationships, expectations, and reality.

I hope that by sharing this, we can all learn how to be more discerning about the people we keep close and decide to share our lives with.

Because being close to someone who is constantly consumed by their own suffering can eventually affect how you experience your own life, too.

So, how do we become realistic about people and situations without becoming cold?

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A Note on Expectations

What is it with people that project their expectations onto others and get angry at them for not meeting them?

Recent experiences have made me think hard about this question.

Because for many months I’ve been the accidental witness to the unnecessary pain and frustration that comes with it.

Someone in one of my social circles has been talking about changing their life for a while after experiencing a series of difficulties one after another.

However, from what I could see, they kept expecting reality to change instead of adapting to what it was showing them.

I don’t know about you, but when things start to go wrong, I think there is something we need to start paying attention to.

For me, and this is a very personal point of view, life experiences can come to us for a variety of reasons.

Now, I can see that some of mine came to teach me joy.

Others came to show me the gaps in my understanding.

Others appeared to teach me a lesson in surrender, love, adaptability, growth… You name it.

And that helped me understand that when I don't pay attention to what an experience is teaching me, I tend to encounter similar situations again in different forms.

Realism doesn't mean expecting less from people

For this person, things eventually escalated to the point where their frustration began spreading to everyone around them.

They seem to be the kind of person who gives everything they've got to others, and then expects the same in return.

However, that way of thinking can be dangerous for a variety of reasons.

The one I want to highlight today is that it allows them to create scenarios in their mind that, more often than not, don’t come true.

The reality is that each individual has their own way of interacting with others and expressing their love, admiration, and willingness to maintain the connection.

So, closing off to that and expecting others to do and say what we think we deserve without considering their own personalities can be misleading.

That also applies to the work environment. They expected everyone around them to accept their way of doing things.

But while I agree with honoring your values, the lack of humility and the need to always be right got them fired.

And watching that happen made me think about how easily a closed-off mindset can create even more pain.

But the thing is, realism doesn’t mean expecting less from people. It means expecting them to be themselves, not to become who you need them to be.

Expectations & Alignment

What I gained from watching these experiences unfold was that the more we hold on to our expectations of how things should be, the more we suffer.

It doesn’t matter how much and how often we give to others. If their perspectives on relationships and circumstances are different than ours, we have to acknowledge that.

Being open and honest about our expectations can save us so much heartache and suffering.

And starting to see life from a more realistic mindset can also help with that.

For me, I started asking myself: What expectations do I need to release?

Because (and it took me a while to accept this) I recognized myself in some situations that I now know are not helpful. For example:

• Expecting people to understand my intentions

• Expecting the ones close to me to respond the same way as I would

• Expecting someone to change because I’ve explained myself clearly

• Expecting everyone to approve my decisions

• Expecting things to unfold according to my timeline

But now, I care enough to see this clearly.

This person was so fixated on what was wrong with everybody else, expecting them to change and apologize, instead of recognizing their role in their own suffering.

I’m not putting all the blame on them or saying that they deserved everything that happened to them.

But while other people moved on and continued with their lives, they stayed stuck.

And little by little, people started to drift away from them, including me.

Because there is only so much emotional weight we can carry for someone else before it starts affecting how we move through life as well.

Yes, I know we all want comfort, understanding, and compassion from people we care about.

But that also means we should allow others time to talk about their own struggles or decide that they’ve had enough of ours without getting angry at them.

So, being conscious of what’s happening and remaining open to change can help us accept reality as it is, without becoming cold and detached.

Seeing Things Clearly

Learning to see life for what it is, rather than what I would like it to be, has helped me become less anxious.

Because acceptance doesn’t mean approval.

You can accept that something is happening without deciding that it’s okay.

You can feel sad, angry, or disappointed about things going wrong. But you don’t have to make those emotions your new identity.

You can accept that:

• Someone isn’t going to change.

• A relationship isn’t healthy for you.

• Someone doesn’t have the emotional capacity you hoped they had.

• A situation isn’t going according to plan.

• Someone misunderstood you.

• Someone doesn’t like your decision.

• You can’t control what another person does.

And yet, none of those things mean: “I’m okay with this.”

For me, there’s a question we should be asking ourselves instead: “What am I going to do with this information?”

Because there is a very important distinction.

While acceptance says: “This is happening,” approval says: “I think this is okay.”

Those are not the same thing.

You can accept that someone isn’t going to change and still love them.
You can accept that a relationship isn’t healthy and still be sad about it.
You can accept that someone doesn’t understand you and still wish they did.

You can accept reality without liking it.

That’s exactly how you avoid becoming cold.

I’ll leave you with this

I don’t think becoming realistic means becoming harder.

If anything, I think it has allowed me to remain softer because I’m no longer spending so much energy fighting what is right in front of me.

I can care about someone without taking responsibility for changing them.
I can love someone and still decide that I don’t want to be close to them.
I can accept reality without approving everything about it.
I can be disappointed without becoming bitter.

Maybe that’s what growing up actually asks from us. Not to stop caring. But to learn how to care without losing ourselves in the process.

Remember this: you don’t have to solve everything right now. Sometimes the first step is simply being honest about what you’re looking at.

So, before you move on, ask yourself:

1. What am I wishing were different right now?

2. What is actually happening instead?

3. What can I do with the reality in front of me?

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They sounded like mine.

But when I paid closer attention, they all started with the same word.

Should.

I should become a teacher.
I should follow the safe path.
I should make everyone proud.
I should know what I’m doing by now.

It took me years to realize those “shoulds” weren’t coming from me at all.

I grew up thinking that older people knew best. I don’t remember being told that I was capable enough of making my own decisions.

Not at home, not in school, and not around other members of my family.

For years, I followed what the system had already set as the path we all should follow: get good grades, go to university, and then find a job that pays well.

Honestly, I was so naive and ignorant of the world that I didn’t question anything until my mid-twenties when the pandemic started.

Because when everyone around you follows the same path, it rarely occurs to you that there might be another one.

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Borrowed Expectations

Everyone assumed becoming a teacher was the obvious path for me.

As I studied English and French in university, most of my family and even myself thought that a career as a teacher was the thing I should pursue.

But that was not something that truly set my heart on fire.

I still did it because I needed to get money and pay bills. There were many opportunities in that field too, so survival felt important than my desires.

Moreover, many people already expected me to go on that route until the end.

Family members always asked me about teaching English to my young cousins. Also, friends would text me asking me about helping them learn it too.

Soon enough, that pressure turned into anxiety. I felt pulled in different directions because everyone had an opinion of what I should do.

And it was incredibly difficult for me to get an answer that would satisfy them all, including me.

The Freedom Nobody Meant To Give Me

It wasn’t until the pandemic happened and everyone was panicking, trying to survive the best that they could, that I felt a little relieved.

Because at the time, everyone was focused on their own survival. No one was truly paying attention to what I was doing.

So I had the freedom to just be and decide what to do next without feeling on the verge of disappointing everyone.

Ironically enough, the moment the whole world stopped was the first time I finally heard my own voice.

Even though the pandemic brought uncertainty, it also gave me something I didn't know I needed: enough silence to finally hear myself think.

I was able to focus on myself and put my time into things that would expand my worldview.

I met incredible people, discovered possibilities I hadn't considered before, and slowly started imagining a different future for myself.

From "I Should" to "I Choose"

It all started when I took a job online to teach Spanish as a second language.

(Yes, the irony of becoming a teacher even when I was adamant about not becoming one is not lost on me).

Suddenly, many people had a lot of free time to dedicate to learning, and the demand for teachers was increasing by the day.

So, I took the chance when it came, and I can honestly say that it was the best decision I could have taken during a moment of so much fear and uncertainty.

But for me, the best part of it all is that it was something I chose to do. No one was pressuring me into doing it.

I saw an opportunity... and I took it.

That one decision opened doors I didn't even know existed.

What I do know now and recognize is that being able to decide to do something for myself, by myself, without anyone commenting or giving their opinion on the matter was very refreshing for me.

I used to put others’ opinions to the forefront when I made decisions. I would waste time and energy thinking I should or shouldn’t do this or that.

Just because I was afraid of what my family and the people close to me would say about my decisions.

I carried that fear for over a decade.

Looking back now, I don’t think I was actually afraid of making the wrong decision.

I was afraid of making a decision that someone else wouldn’t approve of.

Those aren’t the same thing.

And the hard truth I needed to face was that I was more afraid of being rejected or criticized by others than doing something that wouldn’t make me happy.

I don’t know about you, but that way of living is very unforgiving and painful.

But when you decide to stop living by the “shoulds” of society and also your family, you gain the freedom to experiment and just live your life the way you feel like living it.

When “Should” Became a Cage

I truly believe that living your life from a “Should” perspective limits your options and narrows your opportunities.

Anyone with the desire to grow and fully experience life ultimately learns that you can only achieve that when you stop playing small.

When you decide to go all in with a dream or a goal, no matter how long it may take.

When you put yourself out there and try something different even if the risk of failure is high.

I remember being so fixated on the “shoulds” I was getting from everywhere and everyone around me that I forgot to think for myself.

It felt like handing the reins of my life to someone else who might later on take no responsibility whatsoever if things went wrong.

And guess who was going to be the one to deal with the consequences afterward?

So for me, the pandemic taught me to start seeing my life as my own responsibility.

Borrowed Expectations vs Chosen Values

Today, I'd like to invite you to sit with yourself for a little while and think about the "shoulds" you're carrying.

Because unless we put names to the things that are not helping us move forward, we’ll continue meeting everyone else’s expectations instead of our own.

See if any of these sound familiar:

• I should get married by now.

• I should answer immediately.

• I should drink because everyone else is.

• I should choose the safe career.

• I should make more money.

Today, I try to let my values make those decisions instead.

• I keep my word because integrity matters to me.

• I exercise because I value my health.

• I sleep because I respect my body.

• I apologize because humility matters.

• I protect my peace because I value emotional stability.

My life isn’t driven by obligation anymore.

It’s driven by identity.

Final Thoughts

For years I thought adulthood meant learning how to meet everyone else’s expectations.

Now I think adulthood asks something very different of us.

It’s learning which expectations were never mine to carry in the first place.

Because every life is built around something.

Mine used to be built around obligation. Today, it’s built around choice.

So maybe the next time you hear yourself saying, “I should...” pause for a moment.

And ask yourself: Who said so?

Know someone who's living by everyone else's expectations? Share this with them. It might help them hear their own voice again. 🖤🌙

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For a long time, I believed compassion meant helping more, understanding more, and staying a little longer.

But somewhere along the way, I realized I’d confused empathy with responsibility.

A recent experience helped me finally see that understanding someone’s pain doesn’t automatically make it yours to carry.

In this video reflection, I talk about the quiet shift that helped me see boundaries differently.

Not as the opposite of compassion, but as something that allows compassion to exist without losing yourself.

If you’re learning how to navigate adulthood with more intention, healthier relationships, and greater emotional clarity, I’d love to have you here.

I share reflections like this every other Saturday through Ambar in Real Life, the podcast of Ambar Virtual.

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In this episode, I’ll be exploring:

• Why compassion and boundaries belong together
• The difference between empathy and responsibility
• Letting go of the “good girl” without losing kindness
• The question that completely changed my perspective
• How to recognize when you’ve outgrown an environment
• Why protecting your peace isn’t selfish but necessary

Credits: Music by audionautix.com

Know someone who’s carrying more than they should because they care deeply about others? Please consider sharing this reflection with them.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can remember is that understanding someone doesn’t mean abandoning ourselves. 🖤🌙

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I don't plan my days because I want to squeeze every productive minute out of them.

I plan them because I've learned that an unplanned day usually ends with me reacting to everyone else's priorities instead of honoring my own.

A couple of years ago, I was sitting in my old apartment trying to finish client work while also realizing I had a Substack article due in two days.

In that moment, I wasn’t wondering what I wanted to write.

I was wondering how I was going to survive publishing it.

At the time, I was writing and posting two pieces a week. I’ve shared before that I started my publication feeling very motivated.

I had ideas and a burning need to share them through my writing.

But I burnt out so fast because I didn’t have any plan or vision for my writing.

When the weight of responsibility became too heavy and the path confusing, I stopped writing.

I would tell myself that I just needed a bit of space to read more, experience things, and then share whatever I had learned.

But time continued passing. And I would keep on thinking I needed more time. Time for what exactly?

I’m afraid that I still don’t know the answer to that question.

But it wasn’t until I sat down with myself enough time to create a plan for what I wanted to do with the blog that things started to make sense.

Talking to my friends and mentors also helped. And the podcast later came when that clarity was already settled.

All of this taught me something I still carry with me today.

Planning gives your priorities a place before the world decides them for you.

If you’re trying to build a life that feels more intentional instead of just busier, I’d love for you to subscribe to Ambar Virtual. Every week I share reflections and practical lessons on navigating adulthood with more clarity, self-trust, and purpose. Let’s keep growing together.

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What chaos looks like

I need to point out that the fact that I had stopped writing was not sitting well with me and my self-esteem.

I started to feel guilty for giving up so fast on something that truly brought me joy and a sense of purpose (even when I had no idea what my purpose was).

So, being honest with myself about the things I wanted to do, the things that truly filled my cup, and what I wanted to accomplish gave me a sense of peace I didn’t recognize I needed.

My days looked something like this:

• My to-do list kept growing.

• I would jump from one task to another without finishing the first.

• By the end of the day, I felt exhausted, but strangely, not accomplished.

So the problem was not really a lack of productivity. I was doing a hell lot of things daily.

My problem was a lack of planning and organization.

I needed to sort out all the things I needed to do in a way that made sense to me and my brain so I could actually complete them.

I’ve talked before about how exercise used to be at the very bottom of my list.

I didn’t plan my exercise time or have an idea of what I was going to do. I just knew that I would do it when everything else was done.

That decision cost me many months without proper, consistent movement. And my body was absolutely resenting me for it.

Other activities also suffered from this.

So, for me, planning my days is not about filling every minute with something to do.

It is about being conscious about the things I need to do and giving them the time they need to be completed.

The ritual that changed everything

My ritual consists of three steps I usually follow when I’m planning my day:

1. Seeing everything in one place.

   Some activities like exercise, reading, meal prepping, or grocery shopping were usually left for those moments when there was nothing urgent that needed my immediate attention.

   So I put everything that needs my attention in one place. Seeing it all together helps me understand what realistically fits into that day.

2. Assigning time to what matters before something urgent steals it.

   After I’m clear about all the things I need to do (most times I just repeat them in my mind), I sort them out by priorities.

   I love taking care of myself, exercising, and reading in the morning. So I schedule them around my energy, not just the time.

   Then, work obviously has its own period, but I usually think about what I could do while working. Laundry or cooking, for example.

   Later in the evening, I put things like grocery shopping, going to the beach for a walk, and sometimes writing.

   The thing is that I started to plan things around how I function. So, instead of following some productivity rule, I try to work with my energy and not against it.

3. Go over my schedule the night before AND before starting the day

   Reciting my day the night before and right before starting the day has become a little ritual I created for myself that helps me stay accountable.

   When I do that, I am already visualizing how I want my day to go. And I don’t know about you, but visualizing my day somehow helps me make better decisions.

   Just like athletes think of their moves before a game or competition, when you go over your moves or tasks for the day, you’re setting yourself up for success.

   Because your brain already knows what should happen and what it should focus on. The blueprint is there, and it gets easier to follow it instead of trying to decide every minute what should come next.

Final thoughts

As someone who thrives in organization and following plans, I've noticed I follow through on my goals much more consistently when I'm clear about what I need to do.

I’m not saying you need to have everything planned without leaving some room for flexibility.

I believe that the growth is in allowing yourself to have things planned in a way that gives you peace of mind, allows you to stay consistent, and focus on the right things in the right moment.

Some people might think that preparation is pointless, while others might see it as an opportunity to get real on what is worthy of their time.

I’ve realized that planning my day has very little to do with productivity.

It’s actually how I make sure the things that matter most to me already have a place before the day begins.

Because if I don’t decide what deserves my attention, you can bet that something else will.

So let me leave you with one question:

What deserves a place in your day before the world decides for you?

If someone came to mind while you were reading this, send it to them. Sometimes one small idea arrives exactly when someone needs it most. 🖤🌙

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After years of treating my words to myself as conditional and not something I should honor with my actions, I found myself living situations that constantly left me feeling hopeless.

Each time I decided to set a boundary with someone but allowed them to continue treating me poorly…

Or said I was going to start exercising consistently and fell off after a few days…

Or that I was going to take care of my health better and I didn’t…

I stopped believing that my own word meant anything.

And most of us do the same without noticing how much we erode our self-trust and confidence when we do that.

I would find myself asking questions that left me feeling stupid or not enough around the people I was with.

Not because I was actually stupid or I lacked something.

But because I was operating from a mindset that each time I decided to do something different, it would tell me that I didn’t know enough.

That other people knew more, and I should listen to them. Or that I was better off staying the same way.

That voice can be incredibly convincing. It can nudge you to do things that might be the exact opposite of what you want to do or want to become.

But until you fully notice it, name it, and face it, it will continue running the show of your life.

Unfortunately, I was so focused on finding out what was wrong with me, what I needed to learn, or what I was lacking that I didn’t notice how poorly I was treating myself.

I would put everyone else first.
I would say I’d do something, just for myself, and then push it aside.

Each time I promised myself I’d change, things would stay the same because, in my mind, I had already put that promise in the “not going to happen” folder.

And it wasn’t until I saw myself losing my dignity, integrity, peace, and comfort over other people’s opinions that I decided something had to change.

Because if I wanted to become someone worthy of love, joy, and success, my life couldn’t continue the same way.

And it wasn’t until a friend put it right in front of me and said that no one should have the power to bring me down with their words that I noticed the pattern.

No one should have the power to dictate my pace just for their benefit.
Or say and do things that harmed me emotionally or otherwise without consequences.

And the fact that I was waiting for others to give me that permission was what I needed to see first before I woke up.

I feared that if I followed my instincts, I would lose everyone around me. People would think I was not someone they would want to be around.

But the truth is that the more you respect yourself, put yourself first when it matters, and don’t allow others to go over you (including your own mind), you can make decisions with more clarity and ease.

Because you know that, no matter what happens, you’ll be there to take care of yourself.

And honestly, I was reminded of that very recently.

I used to live with someone that people would think of as charming, helpful, and caring.

But when no one was watching or hearing, they would tear people down just to prove they were right or knew more about something.

They would tell secrets.
They would say harmful things about them.

And for months, I tried to shield myself from that person. Only interacting when it was necessary. Still, I stayed in that relationship for longer than I should have.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, that person started to treat me the same way.

With harsh words, talking about me with others, and even making decisions on my behalf that didn’t benefit me.

And it took a few obvious, very disrespectful situations to happen for me to notice the patterns.

The red flags had been there all along. But I was so focused on my own routines and my own life that I dismissed them.

Until one day, I couldn’t put the patterns under the rug anymore.

Looking back, I don't think the biggest problem was that I stayed too long. The biggest problem was that I had stopped believing my own instincts.

If you’re trying to build a life you can genuinely trust, I’d love to have you here.

Every Thursday, I share reflections on adulthood, self-trust, relationships, and the quiet habits that help us become people we can rely on.

Subscribe below if you’d like the next one delivered straight to your inbox.

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Confidence is the result of action

For many, the process looks like this: Confidence first and then action.

But deep down, you and I both know it works the other way. Action creates evidence. Evidence creates trust. And trust creates confidence.

The truth is that you won’t believe in yourself and magically feel confident after repeating the same affirmations 50 times a day for weeks or months while doing the same things that don’t move you forward.

You’ll believe in yourself after you’ve watched yourself keep your word for weeks and months in a row.

After you’ve shown up to exercise every day.
After you choose to eat at home instead of going to a restaurant or asking for delivery.
After you have the difficult conversation with the person robbing your peace.
After you keep your morning practice and don't rush through the day.

Every promise you keep becomes evidence that you can trust yourself.

That’s how confidence is built.

Not through positive thinking.

Through repeated proof that your own word means something.

For me, that’s a completely different foundation that can actually support the life you’re trying to build.

Because once you’ve created that foundation, it doesn’t matter what life throws at you. You’ll feel capable and strong enough to continue moving forward.

And outside opinions or expectations won’t matter anymore.

People will have things to say, and that’s okay. But your decisions won’t be about making others happy or comfortable.

For some, words are meaningless. People can change their mind in the blink of an eye.

But maybe the next frontier of adulthood we’ll have to conquer is allowing our words to carry the weight of responsibility and commitment that moves us forward.

Believing my own words

I truly believe that your future isn’t built by your intentions. And yes, intentions that can be pure and coming from love.

But your future is built by your integrity.

Integrity is when your words and your actions recognize each other. When your word carries the weight of a promise you have no intention of breaking.

When you move forward with what you said you’ll do no matter the weather, your mood, or external circumstances.

(With very obvious, out-of-the-ordinary exceptions.)

So, even if people don’t understand your choice, you continue. Sometimes tired, other times full of energy.

Because trusting yourself and building confidence aren't loud; they're in the little details.

They strengthen each time you decide that short-term discomfort is worth the long-term gains.

When you'd rather “suffer” a little bit here and there, even lose people, than risk your own happiness and success.

Building self-trust feels a lot like investing.

Every time I follow through, I make another small deposit into the account of trust I'm building with myself.

And, just like investing, we don’t see the benefits for months or even years. But the thing is that we have to start now if we want to see progress.

Expecting the best for yourself and working hard to get it is a choice. Not something you’d expect people to do for you.

Trusting yourself takes time, patience, and commitment.

Many people underestimate that and compare themselves to others without taking a moment to think about the effort behind the results.

Trusting yourself will ask you to do things that don’t feel exactly good or easy.

It will require you to follow unknown paths, and even make decisions that may not sound fun or exciting in the moment.

But not trusting yourself will cost you more in the long-term.

Each time you push important things to the back of your list is another blow to your confidence.

When you say “I’ll start exercising on Monday,” and Monday comes but nothing happens, you’re sending yourself a message that you can not be trusted.

Having boundaries around the person you want to become and not allowing anyone, even yourself, to deviate you from your goal takes a lot of discipline but also courage.

So if you want to receive respect from others, you have to show that same respect to yourself with your actions. And do it consistently.

Final thoughts

For years, I thought respect was something other people gave me.

Now I think it begins somewhere much simpler. It begins with the promises I make and keep when nobody else is watching.

Because one of the most underrated responsibilities of adulthood isn’t becoming successful.

Or productive.
Or confident.

It’s becoming someone your younger self would’ve trusted.

The kind of person who says, “I’m going to take care of us.”

And then actually does.

If this reminded you of someone who’s trying to rebuild trust in themselves, send it to them.

Sometimes the smallest promise we keep is the beginning of a completely different relationship with ourselves.

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When I read it again recently, I expected to notice everything I would change.

Instead, I found myself smiling.

Not because it was perfect. But because I could see someone genuinely trying to build a life that felt sustainable.

Since then, I’ve moved countries, worked from cafés and beaches, struggled with routines, found better systems, and learned that working remotely isn’t really about productivity.

It’s about learning how you work best.

In this episode of Ambar in Real Life, I revisit that old piece, share what I’d tell my younger self today, and reflect on the lessons that have stayed with me all these years.

If you’re learning how to build a life that feels more intentional, whether you work from home or not, I’d love to have you here.

I share reflections like this every week.

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In this episode, we explore:

• Why routines became emotional support instead of restriction

• The hidden challenges of working from home

• Why freedom requires more structure than we expect

• The importance of creating systems instead of relying on memory

• How my perspective has changed in two years

• What rereading old writing taught me about personal growth

Credits: Music by audionautix.com

Know someone who’s trying to figure out remote work, freelancing, or simply how to create better routines? Share this reflection with them.

Sometimes we don’t need more productivity advice. We just need permission to find what works for us. 🖤🌙

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Not natural disasters, not decisions made by people in power, or the mood of someone who lacks emotional regulation.

Believing we can control everything is one of the greatest sources of suffering.

So, the natural response of our bodies to all the tension we accumulate inside of ourselves when things don’t go the way we want them to comes in the form of stress.

For me, it can show as stiff shoulders or shallow breathing.
Other times, it comes in the form of headaches, muscle pain, and terrible sleep.

No matter the symptom, stress works like an alarm going off in our bodies, telling us that there is something we need to address because it is causing chaos.

The problem isn’t that the alarm goes off.
The problem is that most of us keep hitting snooze.

If this reflection gave you a different way to think about stress, I'd love to invite you to subscribe. Every Thursday, I share reflections on the quiet lessons adulthood keeps teaching me. From emotional regulation and self-trust to building a life you don't need to escape from. I'd love to have you here.

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What Happens When We Ignore Stress

Most of us think that stress signs are just an inconvenience that we need to get rid of as soon as possible so we can continue with our job, routine, or rumination.

But the more I tried to control what wasn’t mine... the louder the alarm became.

For me, stress shows up when I’m too fixated on trying to control something outside of myself that, for some unknown (or very known) reason, doesn’t allow me to stay calm.

Also, when I give things more importance than what they actually deserve or require.

For example, the time I was stressing about the cat bothering me at 6 in the morning, asking for food.

It’s embarrassing to say that I waited months to address the issue with my roommate instead of facing it directly and asking her to do something about it.

Then, when I’m anticipating conflict from someone who has repeatedly shown a tendency to start arguments for the most insignificant things.

Whatever the cause, stress used to be a great source of suffering for me because I didn’t know what to do with it.

I thought it was a mindset issue. Or that I was not strong enough to carry all those little annoyances by myself.

Now, stress is just information.

A dear friend reminded me of the power of detaching myself from the situations so I can see them with a clearer perspective.

When we’re so deep in the situation or circumstances, whether they involve other people or not, we get blinded and overwhelmed by all the details that cause us stress.

But when we zoom out and ask, “What is this situation trying to tell me about myself?” we start seeing things and even people with different eyes.

Some of the consequences I was experiencing due to ongoing chronic stress (that lasted a lot more than I want to admit) happened one by one.

It started with a lack of proper rest. Then I became tired and moody all the time.

Because I was tired, I stopped exercising properly.

And because I wasn’t moving my body... my migraines became more frequent.

It felt like watching one domino knock down the next.

So mix all these things for a long period, and I was guaranteed an eventual collapse.

Five Ways I Listen When Stress Shows Up

What finally changed my relationship with stress... was seeking help from someone whose life and actions reflect calmness and emotional regulation.

I’ve seen my friend navigate difficult situations with ease, and I had also received guidance from her in the past.

So when my stress levels were at their highest, I sought her help. I won’t say that she magically took all my stress away.

But she definitely helped me see things from a different perspective.

Before diving into them, I want to clarify that I don’t think these practices remove stress. But they do help me hear what stress has been trying to tell me all along.

Don’t Take It Personally

If someone is putting all the blame on you for things that make them feel uncomfortable, or they’re behaving in a way that doesn’t match the circumstances, let them be. They are fighting against a character they created in their mind and that you know has nothing to do with you. Let people fight their own battles and come to terms with their own emotions.

Protect Your Sleep

The body can only work when it’s fully rested. We cannot expect to have energy to do all our tasks, tackle our responsibilities, and also perform at our highest capacity when we’re tired. In my case, I was having ten hours of sleep but only resting for three or four. So, focusing on getting a decent amount of rest will do wonders for our mental and physical health.

Return to What You Can Control

If things are not moving in the direction you want them to, try to zoom out and look at the bigger picture so we can detect what the things within our scope of talents, abilities, and skills are that we can solve. We need to be more strategic about where we’re focusing our energy and what truly deserves our time and attention.

Give Stress Somewhere to Go

For me, I started to practice acupuncture and acupressure when I felt a migraine coming after my friend’s recommendation. As you should all know by now, I journal to keep my mind from spiraling into thoughts that don’t serve me. I truly believe that putting thoughts on paper and giving them space creates just enough distance for me to understand them instead of immediately reacting to them. If you really want to do better at not reacting to stress, this practice can definitely help. And lastly, I like to read to keep my mind busy or focused on something else. Immersing myself in someone else’s story also helps me see how others deal with their own problems and get stressed with them. Because I either agree with the character... or I completely disagree and I fight with them. (But honestly, that’s a funnier way to be stressed.)

Remember What's Already Good

When life seems like it’s one breath away from falling apart, I remind myself of all the good things that have already happened. I focus on the little details and make a list of “proof” that I’m more than capable of solving any issue. I just need to stop putting all of my attention on all the wrong things.

If stress could talk

Nowadays, stress for me feels like stiff shoulders and the hint of a migraine forming. Those are my first signs.

Before I react and try to take immediate action, I just sit with the discomfort and start talking with myself to find the root cause of the stress.

Most times I’m stuck in rumination about a topic that’s seemingly important but doesn’t require immediate action.

Other times, I’m trying to decipher someone else’s comment or the tone of voice they used when they were sharing something.

I could also feel pressured by a timeline I created for myself to get things done. Or I’m very tired because I’ve been doing many things and my body needs a break.

Either way, no matter the cause, the protocol for me is the same.

Pause and breathe.
Acknowledge the discomfort and sit with it.
Reflect on what might be happening.
Find the root cause and take action.

By doing this, I see stress as information that tells me I need to address something. It keeps me informed of how my body and emotions are changing or feeling after or while things happen.

So, if stress could speak... I don’t think it would say, “Work harder.”

I think it would ask, “What are you refusing to pay attention to?”

What stress teaches me

So, if there’s anything I’ve learned about myself ever since I shifted my perspective on stress, it is that I’m incredibly resilient and resourceful.

But that doesn’t mean I have to push more and more until I reach the point of a breakdown to finally address whatever issue is not helping me.

Self-awareness has been my biggest lesson. And also, putting myself and my well-being first. That doesn’t mean not being kind or not caring for others.

That means taking care of myself first so I can later support those I care about and who deserve my best self.

Calm people focus on the things that belong to them. They put their energy, time, and resources into things that help them grow.

And by consequence, they become people that others can also rely on. Not as an act of manipulation. But from love and empathy.

But stress narrows our perspective.

So, for me to avoid becoming incredibly stressed, I have a gratitude practice I do every single morning and night.

Doesn’t matter where I am or what I have to do; I start and finish every day by saying thank you.

If I’m feeling heavier than usual, I journal. But prayer and gratitude are the two things I know I can do no matter the place, the weather, or if I’m alone or not.

Preventing stress from taking over my day has also become a habit I started cultivating after becoming aware of how it affects my mood and emotions.

Gratitude helps me remember that my life is bigger than the problem in front of me. I can’t focus on what’s missing or lacking when my attention is on all the things that work or that I already have.

And that realization changed the way I see stress in my life.

Now, it’s just a sign or symptom that I need to pause and pay attention to something I’m not seeing properly.

That awareness gives us power to decide who we want to be when stress eventually arrives.

Make peace with stress

To sum it up, stress doesn’t have to be the worst thing that happens to you. It doesn’t have to have control over your emotions or reactions. And it doesn’t need to stay with you forever.

Stress is a natural response to something that’s not working.

When we shift from “what’s wrong with me?” or “What’s wrong with this person?” and even “why is my life so difficult?” and we start to notice the patterns that point us to see how something makes us feel, we can finally make better choices.

Choices that align with the person we want to be. Choices that say “this situation is not healthy for me,” or “I need to do something different.”

Self-awareness isn’t about constantly analyzing yourself. It’s about noticing the signals your mind and body have been sending you all along.

The sooner I started listening to stress instead of fighting it... the sooner it stopped feeling like an enemy.

Because it isn’t.
It’s just the messenger.

And maybe... the greatest act of self-care isn’t making stress disappear.

Maybe it’s finally listening to what it has been trying to tell you all along.

If you know someone who's carrying more than they should right now, consider sharing this reflection with them. Sometimes all we need is a different perspective to stop fighting ourselves and start listening.

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It’s learning how to keep difficult people from changing who you are.

I’ve realized over the past few months that staying calm isn’t something you’re born knowing how to do.

It’s a skill.

And like every other skill... It gets stronger every time you practice it.

In the office.
At home.
With your partner.
And also with strangers.

Not because life becomes easier.

But because you become more grounded in who you are, what you value, and the life you're trying to build.

I used to think staying calm meant avoiding conflict at all costs. No matter if I was disrespected ot treated unfairly by others.

Now I think it means protecting your peace without abandoning your values.

Those aren't the same thing. Because one gives the power to others to do as they please with you.

The other gives the power back to you to decide how to move next.

And that realization changed the way I move through almost every relationship in my life now.

So what I want to share with you today aren’t rules. They’re simply five practices I’ve found myself returning to whenever life feels noisy and unpleasant.

They’ve helped me become someone who protects her peace instead of someone who reacts to everyone else’s chaos.

If this reflection resonated with you, I'd love to invite you to subscribe. Every Thursday, I share essays like this on the quiet lessons adulthood keeps teaching me about self-trust, emotional clarity, and building a life you don't need to escape from. I'd love to have you here.

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Practice One

Breathe before deciding what something means.

It’s very easy to fall into the trap of other people’s comments or actions when you’re unsure of where you stand.

Breathing helps you come back to yourself, ground your thoughts, and regulate your emotions before doing anything you might regret later.

One thing I’ve noticed is that breathing gives me something I don’t usually have when I’m emotional: space.

Space to slow down.
Space to think.
Space to ask myself whether the story I’m creating in my head is actually true.

And it is in that space that breathing keeps you from making decisions or reacting in a way that puts you at a disadvantage.

So next time someone tries to trigger you into falling for their bad mood or actions, take 30 seconds to breathe deeply... so you don’t immediately tell yourself a story that might not be the entire truth.

Practice Two

Not every behavior deserves your participation.

I noticed myself doing something without realizing it. When someone behaved passive-aggressively... I stopped trying to decode every little thing.

Maybe as a way to avoid conflict at first.

But now, I understand that I just stayed with what I actually knew, focusing on the behavior instead of a possible meaning.

Because our minds naturally try to make sense of uncertainty. So when we don’t have all the information... we often fill in the blanks ourselves.

The problem is... that a lot of the time, those gaps are filled with thoughts and emotions that put us into defense.

In that state is very easy to take everything personally.

So now, when I notice someone behaving differently… making comments through other people… or communicating indirectly...

I don’t immediately react. I stay with what I actually know.

Because if someone wanted to tell me something... they eventually would.

And if they didn’t, I wasn’t going to spend my time, energy, and peace solving a puzzle that wasn’t mine.

It is not my responsibility to carry anyone’s emotions and fix whatever is happening with them if they don’t addess the issue up front.

So by doing this, I protect my energy and peace.

And if the situation needs more actions or different decisions to be made, I’ll be in a position to make those decisions with a clear mind and not in the heat of the moment.

Practice Three

Come back to what you can actually control.

One thing I’ve noticed in myself, and in other people, is how quickly we try to control outcomes that were never ours to control.

Each person will behave and react to situations differently. I’m not saying it is good or fair that some people are more aggressive or tend to lash out at others for things happening to them.

But we can control how we react to them and their behaviors. We can control the words we choose when we respond. We can control the tone and the way we address an issue.

We can also decide if the environment we’re in is good for us or not and make decisions accordingly.

In the end, it is up to us how we present ourselves to the world and how much we let outside circumstances and other people shape our reality.

Practice Four

Reflect before you release.

I’ve shared many times before that journaling is my go-to outlet when things get heavy in my mind.

Every time we put our thoughts and emotions into the paper and give them a place to be, it becomes so much easier to understand ourselves and what we can do next instead of keeping everything inside.

There’s something powerful about giving names to what’s happening inside because we can later make better decisions with a clearer mind.

Reflection is how your emotions become wisdom.

And that wisdom gives you the opportunity to choose better for yourself and the life you’re building.

Practice Five

Protect your environment as much as your mindset.

There’s something I used to take for granted and didn’t pay much attention to. My surroundings and my personal space.

To feel at peace with yourself and the world around you, you also need to participate in environments that support it.

I understand that many people might be living with strict or controlling parents, or roommates with a tendency to control everything and everyone around them, or even partners who lack emotional regulation.

Every scenario and experience might be different, but the truth is the same.

We cannot achieve peace in a place full of constant chaos that triggers us into fight or flight mode every single day.

Because in the long run, you’ll start living under constant hypervigilance.

You start paying attention to everything.
The tone.
The silence.
The objects that mysteriously moved.
The energy in the room.

Not because you want to... but because you're constantly preparing yourself for the next disruption.

Sometimes calm requires you to change the environment. And that’s not selfish. That’s self-respect.

Final Thoughts

Over the past few months, I’ve come to understand something through constant experience.

My goal was never to become someone who never gets angry or annoyed. Or someone who never feels hurt.

My goal was to become someone who no longer lets those emotions decide who she becomes.

Because peace isn’t about pretending everything is okay and turning your head to the other direction.

It’s about knowing that not everything deserves access to your inner world.

Not every opinion.
Not every criticism.
Not every misunderstanding.
Not every passive-aggressive comment.
Not every behavior deserves your participation.

I think that is one of the most underrated skills adulthood asks all of us to learn.

Maybe protecting your peace won’t change the people around you.

But it will change the person you become around them.

And in the end... I think that’s what staying calm has always been about.

Not becoming someone who never feels angry.
Or hurt.
Or disappointed.

But becoming someone... who no longer lets those emotions decide the direction of her life.

So my question for you is: What are you tolerating that's robbing you of your peace?

If someone came to mind while you were reading this (not because they need to change, but because they deserve a little more peace in their life) consider sharing this reflection with them. Sometimes the right words arrive at exactly the right time.

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I thought I needed more confidence, more clarity, more experience, or more proof that what I had to say mattered.

But recently, I stumbled upon a realization that caught me completely off guard.

I don’t think I’m afraid of failing.
I think I’m afraid of succeeding.

Not in the dramatic way people usually talk about it. I don’t mean becoming famous or making millions of dollars.

I mean something much simpler: I’m afraid of being seen.

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A few weeks ago, I found myself seriously considering a course about growing this publication, on Substack.

The course wasn’t about writing better. It was about positioning, audience growth, titles, distribution, and building a readership.

Things I know very little about, if I’m being very honest.

(And yes, the irony of writing about self-trust while having absolutely no idea what subscriber psychology means is not lost on me.)

And as I read through the email, I noticed something unexpected happening inside me: Part of me felt excited about participating. The other part felt disgustingly exposed.

Unfortunately, once you see yourself clearly, it’s very difficult to unsee it.

Because growing my publication would mean more people reading my work.

More people reading my stories.
More people seeing the parts of myself I’ve spent years trying to understand.

And suddenly I realized something: I’ve spent almost two years building a publication because I genuinely believe my writing can help people.

Yet, I’ve also been unconsciously protecting myself from the possibility that it actually might.

Which is a fascinating strategy when you think about it.

Spend two years building something because you believe it can help people. Then become uncomfortable when the possibility of people actually finding it starts becoming real.

For years, I’ve said that I write because I love writing. And that’s true.

At this point, I write this blog and record a podcast mostly because I love doing it and because apparently my brain refuses to stop turning life experiences into reflections.

But another truth has been quietly growing underneath it: I want people to read it. I want people to find these pieces.

(That felt surprisingly difficult to admit, not gonna lie.)

Not because I want fame.
Not because I want strangers to know every greety-meety piece of my life.

But because writing is one of the most meaningful things I’ve ever done, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want it to reach people.

Every article I’ve written was born from something I struggled to understand about myself:

• Self-trust.

• Boundaries.

• Joy.

• Loneliness.

• Growth.

• Learning how to become someone I respect.

And in my heart, I know that if those reflections helped me, maybe they can help someone else too.

But the moment I admitted that to myself, another fear surfaced.

What if people discover that I’m still figuring things out?
What if they realize I don’t have all the answers?
What if they see my imperfections?

Which is a little ridiculous when I write entire articles about not having things figured out.

Apparently, I’m perfectly comfortable talking about being human. I’m just less comfortable with large groups of people agreeing that I am.

So, I don’t write as an expert or someone with a lot of experience in life.

I write as a person.

A person learning.
A person growing.
A person trying.

A person who finds joy in learning more about herself and is willing to share her findings with others.

Somewhere along the way, I created a strange rule in my head: I was allowed to share my reflections. But I wasn’t allowed to openly want them to reach more people.

As if wanting readers somehow made my work less pure. As if visibility and authenticity couldn’t coexist.

But the more I sit with it, the more I realize something: Writing is meant to be read. Not by everyone. Not for fame. Not for validation. But because connection requires being found.

And maybe that’s where the real growth begins.

Not when we become fearless. But when we stop pretending we don’t care.

Because I care.

I care deeply about this work.
I care about the person who might need these words today.
I care about building something meaningful over time.

And maybe my next chapter isn’t about becoming a better writer.

Maybe it’s about allowing myself to be read.

Even if it feels vulnerable.
Especially if it feels vulnerable.

With that, thank you for reading me.

Wherever this piece found you, I hope you consider sending it to someone who might also need a bit of encouragement today to allow themselves to be seen.

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But looking back now, I think the real problem was that I didn’t fully understand why it mattered to me.

Everything changed when movement stopped being something I “should” do… and became something that genuinely supported me emotionally, mentally, and physically.

And slowly, without realizing it at first, consistency stopped feeling like pressure.

It started feeling like self-respect.

In this new episode of Ambar in Real Life, I talk about movement, emotional regulation, self-trust, and the shift that helped me become someone who actually follows through on something so important.

If you’re learning how to build trust in yourself, even if it’s slowly and imperfectly, but consistently, you’re welcome to subscribe and stay. I’d love to have you around.

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In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why consistency felt difficult for so many years
• How movement helped me regulate myself emotionally
• The difference between motivation and meaning
• Why simplifying decisions changed everything
• What consistency taught me about self-trust
• How small promises slowly build self-respect

Credits: Music by audionautix.com

Know someone who keeps struggling with consistency and blaming themselves for it? You might want to share this with them because sometimes, the problem isn’t discipline. Sometimes the reason just isn’t fully clear yet. 🖤🌙

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We live in a world where almost everything is competing for our attention. Social media platforms are designed to keep us engaged. Advertisements constantly tell us what we should want next. Productivity culture convinces us that being busy is the same as being successful.

So it shouldn’t surprise us that many people spend years reacting instead of intentionally deciding what deserves their time.

Health, wealth, peace, joy, and true love are more often than not put last in the list of daily priorities.

And looking deeper, I don’t think most people consciously choose to put these things last. I think we postpone them.

We tell ourselves we’ll exercise once work becomes less stressful. We’ll focus on our relationships when life settles down. We’ll take care of our health after this busy season.

But the problem is that another busy season always arrives. Life doesn’t wait for you to feel ready to do something. It keeps going.

Let’s be honest, to achieve any goal, we have to make daily decisions and actions that will take us closer to it.

So learning how to distinguish between priorities and obligations is one of the most useful (and sadly underrated) skills everyone should learn.

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Priorities vs Obligations

For a long time, I thought anything that was urgent automatically deserved first place in my life.

If something needed to be paid, answered, solved, or completed, it automatically moved to the top of the list.

Most people can tell you what matters to them. But the real question is whether their calendar, habits, and routines tell the same story.

Looking back, I realized that priorities only change your life when they become actions you repeat consistently.

I would often confuse the idea of being responsible with being productive. I would treat work as the most important part of my day. Because for me, being responsible for other people’s success (and by consequence, my own) had a higher value in society’s eyes.

The problem was that the things that sustained me, like exercise, sleep, and even joy, were constantly pushed to tomorrow. And tomorrow never seemed to arrive.

More so when I lacked the confidence to recognize that I was prioritizing work outputs over long-term wellbeing.

For me, the change came when I recognized the need to change my daily routine.

I used to exercise at night after work, which sounds responsible until I tell you that half the time I was just going through the motions and hoping that counted as taking care of myself.

I did whatever I felt like doing that day. And if things were too busy, I would just not exercise at all. As someone who works sitting for long periods of time, that decision was not helping me at all.

Not having a goal or a meaningful reason behind it wasn’t helping me either. So, the day I finally made peace with the importance of taking care of the things that sustain me was the day I changed for good.

Because I realized I was waiting to feel motivated instead of acting like the person I wanted to become.

I would often say that I wanted to move more. I became surprisingly knowledgeable about the importance of movement for someone who kept finding reasons not to move.

And yet, I couldn’t bring myself to actually do the thing I said I wanted to do. Because I was not seeing myself as the woman who would put herself first. A woman who would organize her day around her priorities.

I had this vision of her in the future, without realizing that the only way to become her was by starting to act just like she would now. And I didn’t see this clearly until I reflected back on a conversation I had with someone who was going through a difficult season.

They would always complain about things not improving in their life, and my first response was “you can’t expect a different outcome if you keep doing the same things over and over.” That’s when it clicked.

Their situation became a mirror of the things I was not ready to recognize in myself. The lack of decisions, the fear of rejection or criticism from people who wouldn’t understand the changes I was making, and the lack of self-worth. Things that didn’t align with the woman I was “trying” to become.

The more I stayed in those reflections, the deeper the need I felt to understand what things should take first place in my priority list to achieve the changes I wanted.

It took me years (and more trial and error than I care to admit) to realize I was trying to build a beautiful life on top of a foundation I wasn't actually taking care of.

Working, making money, and staying on top of my responsibilities are important. But I’ve come to understand that they can’t come before taking care of my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

For years, "taking care of myself" sounded good in theory but felt too vague in practice.

Now, physical health looks like strength training, eating healthy, and daily movement. Emotional health looks like journaling and reflection. Mental health looks like protecting my attention and creating boundaries. Spiritual health looks like creating space for gratitude and connection.

So when you understand this, when you see your life from a wider lens and realize that without caring for the things that sustain you, you can’t do things properly, you make different decisions.

Yes, you’re obliged to pay your bills, to take care of your responsibilities in your work, in your family, and in society.

But your ability to fulfill obligations depends on how well you take care of yourself. Because in the long run, neglecting your wellbeing to fulfill obligations creates bigger problems.

It took time, but I finally understood that the better I take care of my priorities, the better I can show up for my obligations.

A priority only becomes real when it shows up repeatedly in your daily actions. Good intentions matter, but they won't change anything on their own.

Going for a walk once won’t transform your health. Writing one page won’t create a book. Saving money once won’t build wealth.

It is the repetition of those actions that eventually changes who you are.

Why this matters

Having a clear grasp of what your priorities and your obligations are gives you the freedom to organize your routine in the way that best fits your lifestyle.

It also helps you set clear intentions about all your activities. With that, you have the opportunity to see and decide which activities deserve more time than others.

For example, if you want to write a book or start being intentional with a writing practice, you’ll want to block enough time for you to get lost in your thoughts and write to your heart’s content.

Being intentional means giving tasks and activities a real priority and time slot in your calendar and everyday routine, so the probability of you completing them increases.

Practical ways of doing this

Putting this into practice can become a real challenge for those who are used to living their lives with more spontaneity than structure.

However, research has shown that for us to achieve our goals, we need to add at least a little bit of structure and intention to our actions.

So here are the three things that help me stay on top of my game when it comes to my priorities.

1. Create or find a system to keep an eye on your activities constantly

   I’ve shared before that I use ClickUp for work. But the truth is that I also use it for all the activities I need to do each day.
   

   This helps me stop forgetting things and, more importantly, deciding what to do next. Because the less amount of decisions you need to make daily, the more mental space you’ll have to be more creative, present, and effective.
   

   And the more present you are, the easier it becomes to complete tasks without distractions, get things done faster, and enjoy the little things along the way.

2. Keep a journal with you

   Similar to having a tracking system to add and cross off your activities, having a journal where you keep a score of the days you completed your priorities can help you become more aware of when things fall off.
   

   For example, each night before bed, I take my journal and write the time I woke up, got up, the highlight of the day, and how much time I performed my exercises.

   
   Doing this helps me to see a few things that I find essential for my personal growth:

   1. Presence: Each night when I write about my day, I pay attention to how many things I did I can remember without trouble. This helps me see the moments when I stayed fully present and when I was not.

   2. Quality of sleep: I’ve noticed that I need more time to recover from high-intensity activities. So by noticing the time my body wakes up naturally and how I feel at that moment, and then the time I actually get up from bed, helps me see if I’m getting enough quality of sleep and not just quantity.

   3. Intentional movement: I’m not someone who spends more than 1-hour exercising. My bare minimum is 20 minutes of intentional movement each day, because it is something I know I can sustain long-term.

   4. Gratitude: It’s very easy to go through the day on autopilot and not notice the little things. So, as I’ve developed my gratitude practice, I find it easier to go through my days with more peace, love, and appreciation for the blessings I have in my life right now.

3. Find an accountability group or support system to keep you committed or to learn from

   It’s really easy to want to start a new habit and leave it after just a few days or weeks. This happens for many reasons. But for many, it’s because they don’t know how to sustain the changes required to improve a situation or learn something new.
   

   So, I’ve found that when you start any change with the support of a group, a friend, or a community, it gets easier to maintain it. Also, by watching others go through the same thing, you understand that we all go through difficult periods when we need to shed old beliefs and create new ones that are more aligned with the person we want to become.

Final thoughts

Habits are closely related to your mindset, how you see yourself, and how you present that version of you to the world. So, the right mindset (and I say this knowing that each person is a world, and there is no fixed or correct way of doing this) will definitely help you to understand what are the things you need more or less of.

As I mentioned earlier, our priorities are not revealed by what we say matters. They’re revealed by what repeatedly earns a place in our calendar.

Notice that your habits, just as your thoughts, shape your reality. And that applies to anything you want to achieve.

So, get real on your priority list. Take a proper and closer look at the things you do daily (consciously or unconsciously) and decide if they are helping you or derailing you from the version of you you know you deserve to be.

And before I go, I want you to reflect on this: What are your daily actions already telling you about who you're becoming? Clarity comes to those who give themselves permission and space to go inward.

If this reflection gave you clarity, I invite you to share it with someone who might need it too. 🖤🌙

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Over the years, I started noticing something interesting in conversations.

The more people tried to explain everything (their intentions, their feelings, their reasons), the more confusing things sometimes became.

And slowly, without trying to learn anything from it, I started understanding something:

Not everything needs to be explained.
And not everything needs to be said.

In this episode of Ambar in Real Life, I talk about listening, emotional presence, and the difference between speaking with clarity… and speaking from the need to be understood.

If you’re learning how to communicate with more intention and how to feel more grounded in your relationships and in yourself, you’re welcome to subscribe and stay.

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In this episode, I talk about:

• Why over-explaining can create confusion instead of connection
• What listening taught me about people and relationships
• How insecurity can shape the way we communicate
• The difference between presence and performance in conversations
• Why silence can sometimes communicate more than words
• What happens when you stop trying to fill every space

Credits: Music by audionautix.com

Know someone who always feels the need to explain themselves? You might want to share this with them. Remember: sometimes the most powerful thing we can say… is less. 🖤🌙

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Things were “working.” I had a job that paid the bills and kept me afloat when my life took a direction I was not anticipating.

And for the most part, my life was not falling apart.

Still, I had a feeling inside telling me that I needed to do something different, but I was not sure what that thing was.

I would continue working on my clients’ businesses, seeing friends on the weekends, doing my best to take care of my health, and telling myself that things were fine.

But each time I did that, the same thoughts would return.

“There’s more to life than what we’re living right now.”
“I deserve more than this.”
“It’s not about working all day, every day, without enjoyment.”

And it wasn’t until one of my mentors talked about a platform for writers that something lit up inside of me. I was immediately interested in knowing more.

As I’ve shared before, writing has always been a part of my life, one way or another. However, I treated it as something I could do later.

Writing my thoughts and sharing them in my very first newsletter ignited a fire inside of me that I had neglected for years.

And after publishing that first reflection, things started to make a bit more sense.

It didn’t change my life overnight or solve all of my problems.

But it gave me a starting point.

If this resonated with you, I share reflections like this on self-trust, growth, and becoming your favorite version more often.

You’re always welcome to stay.

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After just a few months, I started to feel like there was something missing again.

At first, I thought the problem was me. I didn’t have writing experience or formal education. And that thought stayed with me for months. Until the point where I stopped writing altogether.

Because I thought I needed to find other solutions first. I needed clarity. I needed to know where I was going.

I remember feeling anxious and sad. Because I truly believed that writing was going to change my life. And when I didn’t see immediate changes, I started questioning everything.

Is writing really the way for me to find my purpose?

So, I kept searching. I read more self-help books. I listened to more podcasts. At first, it felt like I was doing something.

I was learning. I was recognizing patterns. I was seeing myself from a different perspective. And in some ways, that helped.

But it also kept me in the same place. Because I was still looking for answers instead of living them. I was trying to think my way into a life I hadn’t experienced yet.

It took more time than I want to admit, sitting with myself and my emotions, to realize what was actually missing.

Joy.

I was missing joy.

I was finding excuses to stay in my comfort zone. Not talking to new people. Not going outside. Not spending time in nature. Not doing anything different.

I was trying to find answers in the same place where nothing new was growing anymore. I had reached an emotional ceiling. And I needed more.

My soul was craving connection. Connection with life and with myself, too. But that’s something I only understood recently.

At that time, I didn’t even know what kind of connection I needed. Until I decided to go hiking in the mountains.

That very first trip woke me up. It took me back to a version of myself I hadn’t felt in years. A version of me that felt lighter. More present. More alive. And for the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to just be.

Without distractions. Without expectations. Without deadlines or to-do lists.

That first taste of freedom in nature revealed something I had been trying to force myself to figure out. I didn’t need more answers. I needed expansion.

Being in nature reminded me of the joy I used to feel when I saw challenges as opportunities.

Opportunities to grow. To discover new parts of myself. To feel something different.

The challenges were still there — the weather, the terrain, the physical effort. But this time, they felt different. I could feel happiness in my body again.

It was around this time that the idea of traveling started to feel real. Not just a dream. Something I could actually do. And I started small.

A friend invited me to her house in another city. Before, I would have said no. Too expensive. Too much time. Too inconvenient.

But this time, I said yes. And then I said yes again. And again.

Each time I said yes, something shifted. I felt more confident in myself. More open. More willing to trust where life was taking me.

I started going to events alone. Traveling more. Trying new things. And slowly, being with myself started to feel easier.

The small moments — the ones I used to overlook — started filling my cup in ways I hadn’t experienced in a long time.

Fast forward to today, and my life looks completely different from those years in my apartment.

What I didn’t understand back then is that I wasn’t missing information. I wasn’t missing preparation. I was missing experience.

I thought I needed more books, more podcasts, more clarity. But the truth is… We don’t find ourselves by thinking more. We find ourselves by living.

By saying yes to things that don’t fully make sense yet.
By stepping outside of our comfort zone.
By allowing ourselves to try, fail, and grow.

Some of those decisions won’t be perfect. But even then, they will teach you something. They will move you forward.

Because waiting for the perfect conditions, for the perfect opportunity, for the perfect “something” is just fear disguised as precaution.

You can only find clarity when you take action.

I truly believe that the woman I am today — someone more open, more trusting, more willing to grow even through mistakes — was born on that first trip to the mountains.

On a beautiful Friday in April of 2023.

Maybe you don’t need another answer right now.
Maybe you just need to say yes to something that feels a little different.

If someone came to mind while reading this, feel free to share it with them.

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You’re functioning.
You’re showing up.
You’re doing what needs to be done.
But internally, something feels off.

The life you imagined doesn’t quite match the one you’re living. And you don’t necessarily want to blow everything up, you just know you can’t stay exactly where you are.

In this episode, I talk about that in-between season.

The space where clarity hasn’t arrived yet.
Where the old version of you doesn’t fully fit anymore.
Where the next chapter hasn’t fully revealed itself.

We explore what it really means to feel lost. Not as a failure, but as a transition.

If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to subscribe so you don’t miss future reflections like this. I write and record for people who are learning how to think for themselves, choose intentionally, and grow gently.

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Inside this reflection, I share six gentle steps that have helped me (and many people around me) navigate this space with more self-trust and less panic:

• Meeting your inner voices instead of fighting them

• Releasing the illusion that you need the entire map before taking one step

• Seeing setbacks as information, not proof that you failed

• Celebrating small, aligned choices

• Expecting life to surprise you

• Letting curiosity guide you instead of control

Because maybe you’re not lost.

Maybe you’re in between versions of yourself.

And that space (as uncomfortable as it can be) is fertile ground for becoming.

Take this slowly.
You’re not behind.

Credits: Music by audionautix.com

If someone in your life is quietly navigating their own “lost” season, consider sharing this episode with them. Sometimes a soft reminder at the right moment might change everything. 🖤🌙

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Another migraine.

It wasn’t just a stressful deadline or a bad diet. It was the cumulative weight of too many late nights and early mornings. The “sleep when you’re dead” mantra I’d unknowingly adopted sometime in college and carried into adulthood.

That was me in 2022: exhausted, barely staying afloat, sacrificing my most basic needs just to function.

For years, we’ve understood the dangers of smoking. Entire generations were warned, educated, and eventually protected from its long-term consequences.

But what if there’s a quieter, more socially accepted habit slowly eroding our well-being, especially in our twenties? It’s not something we ingest. It’s something we neglect.

Sleep.

Not sleeping enough became such a constant in my life that I didn’t even question it until my body forced me to.

I’ve suffered from headaches since I was a child, so when my migraines became more frequent and debilitating, I initially assumed it was hormonal. But as the years passed and the pain intensified, I decided to stop guessing and start paying attention.

I began tracking what happened before each migraine: stress levels. Light exposure. Hormonal changes. Emotional overload. Sleep quality.

While many factors played a role, one stood out clearly: lack of proper sleep.

Changing my sleep patterns and improving my overall lifestyle helped me understand something crucial: taking care of our bodies goes far beyond fitness and nutrition. Rest is not optional maintenance; it’s foundational.

This reflection isn’t about being lazy or “doing less.”

It’s about recognizing how our culture’s warped definition of productivity is actively sabotaging our health, our relationships, and our ability to navigate adulthood without feeling completely lost.

This is about reclaiming one of the most underrated tools for thriving: sleep.

I write weekly reflections on how to live adulthood with more care, perspective, and honesty. Subscribe to Ambar Virtual if you want reminders like this (before burnout forces them).

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How Lack of Sleep Worsens Everything

Mental Clarity & Decision-Making

Sleep deprivation disrupts the natural flow of thought. It clouds judgment, weakens focus, and makes even simple decisions feel overwhelming.

That familiar “brain fog” many young adults experience isn’t just annoying. It actively interferes with long-term thinking. Career decisions start to feel impossibly complex.

Choosing between job offers, learning a new skill, or even asking “Is this path right for me?” becomes exhausting. Challenging tasks turn into mental mountains.

In more severe cases, chronic sleep deprivation contributes to anxiety, depression, and impaired problem-solving. Exactly the skills young adults need most during these formative years.

Just as smoking slowly degrades lung capacity, lack of sleep quietly erodes cognitive function, making every mental effort heavier than it needs to be.

Emotional Regulation & Anxiety

Exhaustion amplifies everything.

Self-doubt gets louder. Anxious thoughts feel more convincing. Emotional regulation weakens. We’ve all experienced a day where everything felt unbearable only to realize, after a good night’s sleep, that life suddenly felt manageable again.

Sleep deprivation also increases vulnerability to comparison, especially in a world dominated by social media. When you’re exhausted, everyone else’s highlight reel feels like proof that you’re falling behind.

Imposter syndrome intensifies. Small inconveniences feel catastrophic.

I once went nearly two days without proper sleep and had a complete emotional breakdown because someone didn’t do the dishes the way I liked them.

That wasn’t about the dishes.
That was exhaustion speaking.

Just as smoking offers temporary relief while worsening anxiety long-term, sleep deprivation strips away emotional resilience, leaving you far more vulnerable than you realize.

Physical Vitality & Energy

This isn’t just about performance at the gym.

It’s about waking up already tired. Getting sick more often. Lacking the energy to socialize, pursue hobbies, or recover from the basic demands of adult life.

When I don’t get at least seven hours of quality sleep, I’m simply not capable of doing the things I love — or showing up fully for the people around me.

Sleep deprivation depletes the body from the inside out. Over time, it robs you of the physical strength and vitality required to build a life that actually feels good to live.

The Silent Epidemic of Hustle Culture

Just as smoking was once glamorized as “cool,” exhaustion has become a modern status symbol.

Young adults brag about all-nighters, being “always on,” and sacrificing sleep for promotions — especially in demanding early-career environments. Hustle culture convinces us that if we’re not exhausted, we’re not trying hard enough.

The paradox?
The very behavior people believe gives them an edge is quietly destroying their real advantage: clarity, creativity, emotional intelligence, and professionalism.

And the damage isn’t isolated.

Sleep deprivation affects relationships, teamwork, and reputation. Irritability, poor focus, and emotional volatility spill into friendships, romantic connections, and work dynamics.

Just like secondhand smoke harms those nearby, chronic exhaustion doesn’t just hurt you — it subtly erodes the support systems you rely on.

The long-term consequences are even more concerning. Sleep deprivation has been linked to chronic illness, accelerated aging, and diminished quality of life later on.

For those already overwhelmed by early adulthood, this is a future cost few are prepared for.

Sleep: Your Ultimate Adulting Superpower

1. Sleep Is a Performance Advantage

Pulling an all-nighter isn’t productivity. It’s borrowing energy at a brutal interest rate.

Well-rested brains are more creative, make better decisions, retain information more effectively, and solve problems faster. Sleep isn’t time lost; it’s the foundation for meaningful output.

Think about what you could accomplish in eight focused hours versus twelve exhausted ones.

2. Sleep Builds Emotional Resilience

Resilience isn’t about pushing through pain at all costs. It’s about recovery.

Sleep strengthens emotional regulation, supports immune function, and helps the brain process stress more effectively. It’s how we face adult responsibilities without constantly feeling overwhelmed or brittle.

3. Sleep Is an Investment in Your Future Self

Sleep is not a luxury. It’s not something to “fix later.”

It’s a non-negotiable investment in your long-term health, mental clarity, and overall well-being (just like saving money or building skills).

This isn’t about resting more. It’s about living better.

Reclaiming Control in a Chaotic World

True success in adulthood isn’t measured by how many hours you work, but by how sustainably you live.

It’s okay to slow down.
It’s powerful to protect your well-being.
It’s mature to prioritize rest.

If you want to start rebuilding a healthier relationship with sleep, here are a few gentle steps:

• Try a Sleep Audit: For one week, track when you sleep, wake up, and how you feel. Awareness is the first boundary against burnout.

• Make One Small Change: A consistent bedtime, no phone in bed, or a short wind-down ritual. Progress beats perfection.

• Set a Sleep Boundary: Protect your last hour from work emails or notifications — even a few nights a week.

• Optimize Your Environment: Dark, quiet, cool spaces support deeper rest.

• Question the Myths: You can’t fully “catch up” on sleep during weekends. Consistency matters more than compensation.

  

One Last Thing…

We’re navigating an increasingly complex world, and feeling overwhelmed doesn’t mean you’re failing.

But adulthood invites us to take responsibility for what’s within our control. And sleep is one of those things. This isn’t a weakness. It’s wisdom. Reclaim your rest and reclaim your twenties.

So I’ll leave you with this:
What’s your current relationship with sleep: quantity, quality, or both?

I’m learning that more hours don’t always mean deeper rest, and I’m curious where you’re at, too.

If you know someone who’s running on fumes right now, feel free to share this with them. Sometimes rest needs permission before it becomes a practice 🖤🌙

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If you are in a moment where you don’t know what’s coming next, and the path ahead seems like walking around thick fog, then this reflection is for you.

Uncertainty doesn’t always look dramatic.

Sometimes it’s quiet.
It sits in the background of your days while you keep moving forward, even though you don’t fully know where things are going.

And somewhere in that space, there’s a question that keeps coming back:

Was this the right decision?

In this video reflection, I talk about what it looks like to trust your life while you’re still in the middle of it. And the shift that happens when you stop trying to control everything and start noticing what’s already here.

If you’re learning how to move through life with more trust — not because everything is certain, but because you’re becoming steadier — you’re welcome to subscribe and stay.

Subscribe now

In this episode, I explore:

• What courage looks like in everyday uncertainty
• The pressure to prove your choices were “right”
• How focusing on what’s missing keeps us stuck
• Why gratitude can shift how you experience your life
• What it means to protect your peace in real life
• How to trust the timing of your life a little more

If this episode resonated with you, you can explore my full Courage series here → Courage Archive. Or you might be interested in this post:

Credits: Music by audionautix.com

Know someone who is navigating a season of uncertainty right now?
You might want to share this with them.

A helpful reminder that not having everything figured out doesn’t mean you’re lost. 🖤🌙

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Thank you for walking through this chapter of my becoming with me.

For a long time, I thought transformation would feel dramatic. Like a clear moment where you suddenly realize you’ve become a different person.

But lately I’ve realized something surprising: Most of my growth didn’t feel like that at all. It happened quietly.

So quietly, in fact, that I almost didn’t notice it.

There wasn’t a single moment when everything changed. Instead, it showed up in small decisions.

In the way I started listening more closely to my intuition. In the way I began making choices based on what felt aligned with my values instead of what others expected from me.

And sometimes it appeared in moments that seemed almost ordinary but carried a heavier truth I didn’t recognize at first.

Something happened to me fairly recently.

I’ve been living in Spain for a little over a year now, sharing an apartment with the woman who owns the place. When I first moved in, our schedules barely overlapped.

She worked long hours, and I would usually only see her late at night or occasionally on weekends.

So, living together felt easy. We each had our space and our routines.

But everything changed after she had an accident and lost her job not long after. Suddenly, we were both home much more often. And the dynamic of the house shifted.

She began to assert her rules more strongly. The way things should be done. The way the house should function.

At first, I adjusted myself.

I changed small routines. I tried to accommodate her preferences so living together would remain peaceful. I didn’t want to create tension, especially because she can be very direct when she speaks.

Sometimes too direct.

Many times, I didn’t like her tone or the way she would say things to me, but I kept quiet. I told myself it wasn’t worth turning a small situation into a bigger conflict.

Until one day, I saw the truth for what it was.

I remembered that living here was also her decision. She opened her home and accepted having someone else share the space. And I’m paying for the room I live in. Which means my presence here matters too.

Suddenly, I began to feel something new. The need to let her know that I am not her. I don’t do things the same way she does, and I don’t need to.

I respect her house. I respect her rules. But I also have the right to exist in this space as myself. Not as a smaller version of me trying to avoid upsetting someone.

The next time she started one of her usual rants about how something should be done, I stopped her. And I spoke my truth.

I was not aggressive. Not defensive either. Just honest. I told her what I thought and how I felt. And I could see immediately that she didn’t like it. It was written clearly on her face.

But for the first time, I didn’t apologize. I didn’t retreat. I didn’t soften my words to make her more comfortable. I simply let the moment be what it was.

If she felt uncomfortable or angry, that was something she would have to process herself. And when the conversation ended, I noticed something extremely powerful.

The old version of me would have stayed silent.

The woman I’m becoming doesn’t abandon herself like that anymore.

Moments like this have been happening more often lately. Not dramatic changes. Just small moments where I realize I’m responding to life differently than I used to.

And in many ways, sharing my writing and podcast publicly has made that transformation even more visible.

People can now witness my thinking evolving in real time. They can see how my values have become clearer, how my voice has become more grounded, how my relationship with myself has deepened.

And when growth becomes visible, something interesting happens.

Some people celebrate it. Others question it. And sometimes people quietly hold onto the version of you they first met, as if they’re waiting for you to return to that familiar person.

Watching I.N grow over the years has made me reflect on this differently.

He debuted with Stray Kids very young. And over time, his voice matured, his confidence expanded, and his presence became stronger.

But what stands out to me the most is something deeper: he didn’t lose himself in the process.

His faith remained steady. His personality stayed grounded. The warmth people noticed in him from the beginning never disappeared.

He grew, yes. But he didn’t become someone else. He simply became more fully himself. And I think that might be one of the most beautiful forms of growth.

Because the world often suggests that becoming an adult means reinventing yourself.

But sometimes real growth looks much simpler than that. Sometimes it looks like becoming more honest about who you’ve always been.

More rooted.
More aligned.
More willing to trust yourself.

When I look at my life now compared to a few years ago, I can see the shift clearly.

If the version of me from four or five years ago could see my life today, she would probably be surprised.

Not by external achievements. But by how much I trust myself now. How much I trust God. How much I trust my intuition.

Now, I make decisions differently. I listen more closely to what aligns with my values and what feels true in my spirit.

And somewhere along the way, I stopped putting everyone else first.

When I began choosing myself (not selfishly, but honestly), something unexpected happened:

Life started to flow more naturally.
My relationships became healthier.
The work I do now aligns with who I am.
The people I collaborate with reflect the same values I carry.
And the dreams I once thought were impossible are slowly becoming real, one by one.

Not through force. But through love, grace, and presence.

I’m enjoying my life in a way I didn’t know was possible before. And maybe that’s the quiet courage of growing up. Not abandoning who you are. Not reinventing yourself to meet expectations.

But allowing yourself to become more honest, more aligned, and more rooted in what truly matters to you.

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is allow people to see the person you’ve become. Even if they’re still remembering who you used to be.

Because real growth doesn’t require you to lose yourself.

If anything, it asks the opposite.
To trust yourself enough to remain.

If this reflection resonated with you, consider sharing it with someone who might need the same reminder.

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Next Up:

Courage in Uncertainty

On trusting your life when you don’t have all the answers.

Explore the entire series here → Courage Archive

If this space feels safe for you to continue growing, and you’d like to receive future reflections and podcast conversations directly in your inbox, you’re welcome to stay.

I’m grateful you’re here.

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