The maze is a disease
I feel the rain on my jacket
And I feel my heart pounding
In the heat of the summer
I can’t keep killing time
By watching the sun rise
I make a fist
And punch my own teeth
Because even if it’s pain
I just wanna feel something

In the fields I can run when I’m holding a knife
A couple hours, maybe nights
Seeping next to the bears
I feel myself falling deep into the ravine of shame
Take me out, take my life
I want to go back to where I belong
I run a mile, through the corn
Hoping my heart explodes
Let me find out if there’s a God

I can’t forget my past
Innate palms
The concept of certain death
In the back of my head
The air is filled with wind
The chill feels like a ghost is calling to me
To join him in roaming
The heat sings out to me
It makes me feel like a witch losing her life

I feel the night taking pictures
Of me out by myself
The moon rises
And shines it’s light to where it’s blinding my eye
Can’t you tell? Can’t you cry?
I just feel too alive
It hurts
In the picture, the night writes her name 
Right on the dotted line
She asks for mine
I tell her no
“Just let me sleep on my side”
I feel too much

I shine a light to see
The hole that’s in my chest
I can’t afford to seize
A night of unrest
I chase my thoughts into the core
Until it sets my soul on fire
Let me drown

I feel the rain, it’s pouring
The water falls on top of my skin
I see Death, she greets me 
I admire her pitch black dress
She leads me to my new house
Where I can cry alone
And no other people
Can watch the window 
To see my weep
Into the light I witness
My rotten body enter a cleanse
I know how it feels to not want to wait

In my life the simple things just bore me to death
The chances of amusement are beheaded 
The power of my knowledge just feels tired and dead
I can’t breathe my body feels like it’s 130 degrees
It takes me forever just to roll out of my bed
And if you find me sleeping don’t be afraid to put a gun to my head

If you read my mind
You’d see that I love you 
But some days I might just want you dead
Don’t hold me tight 
At least not for a while 
So you should pack your bags and go

I swear to God
I’m not a killer, at least not yet
But would you wanna let me go
If you saw me waiting at your front door?
So would you wanna let me go?

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I wish he never happened
To think about him makes me sick to my stomach
I almost threw up thinking about what he did to you
And even though I haven’t said a word to him
I know what kind of person he is
And that kind of person is a monster
He left you wounds
And those wounds cut deep
I’m doing everything in my power
To make sure they’re healed
But to even think about the fact that he gave them to you
Feels like I’m reliving a nightmare that isn’t mine
I’m glad you never gave him jackshit
Even if he thought you should

I’ve been through hell
I’ve been hurt
My wounds cut deep
And they’re still somewhere in my heart
Hurt people hurt people
But I’d rather die than even scratch you

I would stab him with my dagger
But I’d let him live so he keeps suffering
And has to wake every day
Knowing what he did to you

I tried my best not to say
What every single person here is thinking 
But even when I did, could you blame me?
We lost our one and only connection
It’s sad to see him go like this
But if he has a brain
He knew it was coming

But in hindsight, if you think about it
He never really cared about me
Even though he may have talked 
I was never a priority 
He’…

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The lightning cracks the pitch black sky
The thunder roars, disturbs the peace
I know nature is angry
And it’s targeting me
The lights are out and I can’t see
The power is out inside of me
And I don’t know how to say
That I think I might die

Can somebody look at me?
Can somebody talk to me?
I don’t want to die alone
My dying wish is to be known
Even if it’s insulting me
The universe does that everyday
So I’m used to it
I just want to be acknowledged
Even if all you feel for me is hate
At least I’ll be remembered

I stare at the stars again
I stare at…
I stare at the stars again
And wonder what the world has against me
Is it my greed and envy?
I pay for my ride again
I pay for my ride again
I’ll never be in the driver seat
Because I’ve always been the passenger

I’ve never been the pretty girl
Just the girl in the background
And if it was up to me
I’d choose to be loud and funny
But in a mannequin challenge
I always win

So I’ll trip and fall
And I’ll scrape my knee
Because the universe wants me to bleed
And she’ll turn off my power
Because I’m her least favorite girl

So when I’m on my deathbed
Don’t bother being nice
Unless it’s actually how you feel
At the very least just say my name
You can call me ugly to my face
Let everything out
Just remember me as someone

But every time I breathe it feels like that’s at stake

You’ll notice that I take too long to answer

Because that’s just what I need to be coherent

My broken door tells me who to let in

The drink in my hand spills itself on my dress

The rainbow in the sky feels my reflection

The fly in your backyard buzzes away

My friends invite me to the carnival

To take me for a ride

But every second I’m in the air 

I feel like throwing up

They then buy me some cotton candy

Because they’re convinced it’ll bring me joy

But the second I take a bite

I tell them it’s not my thing

They look me in the eye 

And call me ungrateful

I feel like I let everybody down

The disappointment in their eyes tells me what I need to know

The jokes they make about me feel like they’ve had enough of me

The cut on my finger starts to bleed again

I’m waiting for the sun to calm down

And every millisecond I feel burns

At every single party I tell lies

Because I don’t want them to know

That my life is boring

The feeling of regret starts to kick in

The time I killed myself comes up again

The happiness I claimed starts to feel tired

I open the door to the passenger seat

And the Uber driver tries to have a conversation

But all I wanna do is look out the window

He asks about my education

And the things that bring me joy

But all that I can do is teach him how to cry

I take a walk in the woods and run away out of fear

The books that I tried reading are collecting dust

The music that I made is lost to time

The trophies that I have are irrelevant

I get a call from my friends

They want to see a pop band live

I tell them their music doesn’t hit the way it used to

They ask if I want to go to the beach

And one of them tells me I can borrow their tanning oil

I decline the offer, and tell them that I’m busy

Another friend tells me that I’m boring

The candle that brought light is burned out

The girl with a laptop is nothing more

I saw his eyes
It brought me back to who I used to be
So would you wanna let me go
If I admitted to telling his deepest secrets?
Back before I returned to my heart
Emeralds filled my eyes before you came

City lights flood the sky
It serves as a reminder
That there’s other people here with me
I really wanna experience
The reality of a lucid dream
I want to see if I can fly

I saw myself
Giving you advice for your first date
But would you wanna let me go
If I went and sabotaged you?
What if I went and told her
That you’re the worst girl I’ve ever met?
I saw the look in your eyes
When I went and joked about peace of mind

But that was back in my dreams
Obviously I would never
But the thought remains of what would be
All the clothes in your closet
You’ll wonder why they went missing
But when you think back you’ll remember it was me

I feel the waves
Pressing up against my lower knee
And would you wanna let me go
If we were caught in a riptide?
Every single breath will count
Before I feel myself turn into ocean

I wrap myself in my blankets
Because when I’m anxious I get cold
The sun doesn’t warm me up
But I start sweating
Even if I jumped inside a volcano
My chest would still have a chill
My body freezes
As my fears set in

I force myself to throw up
And I can’t even eat a crumb
I spend the first 15 hours of my day
Telling myself I’ll get up
I worry about the same old things
Promising it’ll be the last time
But the freezer door opens
And I get shoved in
I scream for help
But there’s no one here to take me out

The freezer gets colder
The longer that I’m there
My skin feels numb
As it turns red
And I just know that I’ll feel the same tomorrow
I lose my breath
And suddenly my brain feels hollow

I can’t afford to kill her
Not in the way that I want
The only thing that I can do is forget everything
“The nights you spent are a part of you now”
4 days in a row with anxiety rushing through my veins
The shame that me and the others share is in a different font
The same events viewed through a different lens
She knows that what she was doing will stick with me til the end
The power of her mind knows just to keep me well fed
She can take it far
And no one will question anything
Because the only thing we need is a bad home life

She said “The only thing I’m missing is to make you mine
You have a great mind and I admire it
Your hair grows so fast, can you teach me how?”
My index finger starts thumping when she comes
I’m starting to wonder if this will be how I die
I’m 15, throwing stones at a younger kid’s house
Can’t help but think that I’m more mature than this petty behavior

I’m having trouble falling asleep even though the room is quiet
The lights are turned off and I can’t even hear the fan
I’m changing positions
Maybe it’s the way I breathe
The only real reason is that my mind won’t ever stop
They’ve got me chewing on money when I wake up
Every single minute I try to trace back my path
“How did I get here”
I can’t help but ask myself when I try to read the room
Social cues have me messed up
I can’t even understand sarcasm when it’s right in front of me
I’m an alien girl

And I wish that I never told her that I think like that
I’m vulnerable, depressed, and I’m anxious
I don’t really have anywhere else to go
But with her
She knows that what she does to me won’t leave the house
But in my head I know that something was wrong
And it felt like no matter what I do I’m trapped in this hell
I can’t say no because I’m cowardly
My friends would think that I’m crazy if I show some restraint
“Don’t be like the other one”

And I don’t understand
The reason why she thinks I would ever take it from her hand
She thinks that I owe her everything and more
She even asked me what I think about her “Love”
I know it’s fake
“Wimp tears in the sand”
They told me as I spilled my guts out at the beach
“You fucking bitch”

And I know that they’re worried that I caught on to them
I’m in my bag trying not to let it eat me when I’m working
Those years were a trip and I resent them
They still think that I’m jealous of the places they go
The only thing that gets me going is knowing that
People are still getting hurt
They’re young, immature, and don’t know it’s dangerous
I can’t lead them out because it’ll be over for me
I know that the only thing that I can do is cry
The skin on my face peels every second
The time changes to minutes to years at a time

She has power
Her voice gets louder
The money in her pocket
Helps her get stronger
The day ends faster
The kids stay quiet
She feels unstoppable
And she isn’t wrong
The dicks in her mouth
Keep her on her business
She has a big house
And she has a bigger mouth
But no one cares
Her dreams come to fruition
As I grow older
Her poison grows stronger
And no one cares enough
To break the cycle
“Take what you can
And forget that it happened
I’ve got a new set
Coming if you break”

The Earth shakes
Power lines fall
Transformers explode
Service fails
Lights go out all across town
No electricity

There’s so much comfort when the darkness absorbs the outside
When the sun goes down, the temperature drops, and most of the light goes out
I feel at home
I feel at home when the noise stops and I can fully appreciate what’s around me
I feel at home when I’m outside in the night and nature's wind blows 
It all feels so natural
When I’m out and about and the moon lights up the sky
I go directly under it and the let the moon’s light shine right under me
It feels like the best kind of bath
The kind of bath that cleanses your entire essence
The kind of bath that makes you feel more alive than you’ve felt in ages
The kind of bath that reminds you why it’s great to be alive
It makes you thankful for your existence
And it reminds you that the world is beautiful
Beneath all the noise
All the negativity
All the hate
The world is beautiful
And it will always stay that way

You’d yell at me on the phone and tell me that I’m too soft
Call me all the things that you feel about yourself
We used to be so close
But now you’re obsessed with outshining me in any way
I tried to get away but even when I attempted
You’d yell at me like a child who was overprotected

Thinking about this period of my life
Makes me think about myself
And the person that I was
Under your control
You made me act in ways
That I would never do today
In the end it was all about fitting in
And being able to say I have a friend who likes me
The things you made me do
I never thought twice about it
I never had it in me to tell you how I felt

Eventually it led to a fallout
A blocking
A “fuck you”
A never talk to me ever again
But I just kept coming back
Until I didn’t

A state where it was hard for me to feel any kind of joy

A state where I truly thought the world wasn’t for me

I thought I’d never escape

But I did

I turned down all the noise

The loud, seemingly inescapable noise

The constant heat, the scolding hot heat

I sat there

I sat watching the burning sun fall

The temperatures got cooler, they became a heat I could bare

It brought a quiet that I’ve never needed so badly

The sky turned orange and I witnessed true beauty

The stars appeared and gave me all the light I need

The crickets chirped and brought me into a divine ambience

The ethereal atmosphere made me feel joy, I felt hope

The sky turned pitch black as the beauty of the night reminded me why I’m even here

Moon rising

They seemed uneasy but couldn’t put their finger on it
I knew what it was but I didn’t know if they knew
He was afraid
And he should’ve been

When they left the shelter for the final time
I looked for an opening
I brought up the poison but didn’t say “curse”
I waited to see if they would bite me or him
Then we started bonding over the mad man

We ran away and never looked back
He found a new home that he wasn’t loved in
We took the elevator instead of the stairs
When the door shut in our faces
We were unknown to him
We found peace
And he found anger

We wanted to go home
He wanted to throw something
They’re now a part of me
Like a tattoo
We bond over this
And we bond without this
We’re thriving without him