As it just so happens, SO DO I.

I will be turning 42 this September. I’m not bothered at the idea of aging, and I’m proud of my age. I personally feel more confident, hopeful, beautiful and desired than ever.

Society wants to turn women against one another, and to make us jealous of one another. Perhaps that’s because there is power in sisterhood.

Much of social media has become rage bait, which has definitely made me tempted to throw in the towel altogether. Most of the rage bait you see online exists so that someone can make money off of the engagement. However something much more sinister is at play. The greater damage is tricking us into thinking this is real. This is really how people think. These made up scenarios, and AI slop, curated just to piss you off.

And boy oh boy does it piss me off sometimes.

I came across a post recently that was probably a combination of rage bait, and partially an embodiment of internalized misogyny. Looking back, I wish I had taken a screenshot, even if only to use as an example.

Here is a reenactment to the best of my memory:

The post consists of an actual photo taken in public, of a woman who looks to be in her early 40s. She is wearing chunky black velvety heels, a mid rise black silky skirt, and a black lace see through shirt with a black sleeveless shirt underneath. She is a pale woman with long brown hair, noticeably sprinkled with grey. If I had to guess, she might have been a size 8.

This post caught my eye because I thought she looked lovely.

The caption:

“Ladies if you’re over 40 & fat, no one wants to see this. It’s time to accept that it isn’t your turn to shine anymore. Being so jealous of younger women that you try to cosplay as one isn’t a good look.”

I’m going to pause right here to make myself very clear. What we’re not about to do is reverse this, and start hating on Gen Z. We’re not about to start hating on younger women, or pretending like they’re the enemy. I have met sooooo many amazing younger women, and this post is not an embodiment of a generation. It’s an example of a patriarchal society that has brainwashed us to believe that something is wrong with aging.

I’m also not going to make excuses for this person who posted this. It wasn’t AI, and it actually didn’t appear to be an example of monetizing rage bait. She appears to just be a terrible, fat-phobic young women with mommy issues and a fear of aging. I hope she gets into therapy and heals, because there is a rough road ahead for her if she doesn’t.

But she embodies something that is deeply broken in our society.

We do not fully understand the power of sisterhood.

If we did, we as women would not allow ourselves to be divided.

Years ago when I was a youth pastor in Texas, the church I attended used to do this cool thing that was intended to promote unlikely friendships and fellowship. Anyone who wanted to could put their name or their whole family into a drawing. The pastor randomly drew names and paired them together. Three of the girls in my youth group decided to put their names in as a group, and when the pastor drew the name to match them up, it was a 70 year old woman in the congregation. I remembered thinking “I sure hope they’re respectful and that they don’t bail on their commitment to hang out”….

That thought turned out to be completely unfounded. The 70 year old woman invited them over for dinner that week. Y’all. It was wonderful. They became such good friends. They stayed that night until she had to tell them it was past her bedtime. They even made future plans! It was an absolutely beautiful example of why women should not segregate themselves by age, culture, race, or any of the other barriers that attempt to divide us. Their friendship blossomed into something completely authentic. The girls learned so much from her, and I’m sure they brightened her life as well.

Fostering sisterhood is an act of resistance.

I am very much looking forward to turning 42. And one thing I’ve become very intentional about the past couple years of my life is investing into the women who I’ve become friends with over the years. They are not my competition. In fact they make me even more confident. They make me want to show up authentically despite all else.

I am friends with fierce women whose unapologetic authenticity only fuels me, in the most lovely way imaginable.

I’m not going to let some weirdos on the internet that may or may not be real, who do not accurately represent the women we meet on a daily basis, ruin one of life’s greatest blessings for me.

To my young sisters, to my sisters closer to my age, and to my older sisters…

Wear what makes you happy and sparks joy for you. Damn what society says. Let them say whatever, but I think you’re absolutely radiant. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who loves herself, holds her head high, and defiantly celebrates other women in a world that wants nothing more than to squelch all of that.

As I turn 42 and enter the next season of my life, I will continue to wear what I’ve been wearing….

Whatever the hell I want.

And then you snap out of it and get your priorities back straight?

Or is that just me today?

Today I had the epiphany that I need to WAKE UP and get my priorities in order. And it’s not like I went off the rails and spiraled into a bender. I simply realized that I haven’t been prioritizing the everyday healthy rituals in my life that I know are going to build the life I’m trying to build. It wasn’t like I slipped into a life of debauchery. It was more of a gradual decline in my standards of self love, self care, and self discipline. As we become healthier, we can spot when we’ve started to veer from the path early on.

The past few weeks, I was starting to realize something was off. I found myself noticing things like my lack of inspiration to cook nourishing meals for myself, the fact that I’ve been in my current bedroom (I switched rooms with my son) for over 7 months and still haven’t painted the walls, and that I’ve been self soothing with things that will eventually derail me from the life I want. It’s not like I was self soothing with benders or extreme risky behavior. It was more like I was disassociating with distractions like social media, and. I was allowing my energy to be pulled and drained by whatever. In order to build what I’m going to build, I have to be intentional about where and with whom I allow my energy to go.

So that’s it. I’m not about just give up after all the work I’ve put in.

So what am I going to do about it?

I went to a mirror, looked myself in the eye, and said “You will not slip back into those old habits. You worked too hard to get here. Look around you! You have built something beautiful! You still have so much more to build. It’s time to get your shit together, babe!”

Then I started journaling. I wrote down what I am afraid of. I wrote about all the emotions I feel swirling around me. I wrote about WHY I have let things slide.

Next I turned the page, and I made 4 lists:

1. Stuff to stop

2. Stuff to limit

3. Stuff to increase

4. Stuff that sparks joy

Stuff to stop - I let some unhealthy habits (or things that are best partaken of in moderation) get out of hand, such as disassociating with tv, & doom scrolling on social media. Negative self talk is something that I have caught myself doing, and that’s something I’m nipping in the bud posthaste.

Stuff to limit - Anything can become a problem if we don’t use self-restraint. Many people want to villainize things like food & alcohol, when there’s nothing essentially wrong with either. These are things that require moderation and self discipline. These are just examples, but my own list is personal to me.

Stuff to increase - For this list, I wrote down some habits and rituals that I have prioritized for a long time, but I had been neglecting. I wrote down exercise, meditation, planning meals that make me feel good, taking my meds everyday, writing, and a few other things.

Stuff that sparks joy - This list is special to me because over the next month or so I’m going to be very intentional and disciplined with the above lists. This list is full of life giving activities & things that spark joy for me. This is important, because it’s possible that over the next few days or weeks, I might feel like running back to one of those unhelpful crutches. It is during those difficult moments that I will refer to this list. This list contains only things that are not harmful, that promote good things, and spark joy in my heart. This list has things like hiking, reading a book, singing, dancing, and hugging a loved one. These are things that I know are safe to turn to when I’m feeling the itch to return back to some of the things I need to decrease or cut out completely.

And just why am I sharing all of this?

Because I’m an external processor and it helps me to talk these things through with someone. Ideally, when I have a problem I find it extremely beneficial to verbally process the problem. This is how I come up with solutions. However, I haven’t had a therapist in about a year, and I would prefer not to torture my friends by forcing them to listen to me argue with myself…

So here we are.

This way I don’t feel bad about yapping on and on about a problem. Y’all chose to be here.

The other reason I’m sharing all of this here, is because I know that everyone goes through this. We all sometimes get that feeling that something is off. We all get distracted sometimes and lose sight of what’s really important. Everyone slips back into old habits from time to time.

But not everyone knows what to do when they feel themselves slipping.

Listen, it’s time to crawl back in that saddle. You do not have time to beat yourself up. That is wasted energy. You are not a failure just because you fell back into some old patterns. You’re a badass because you realized it and you’re getting back in that dadgum saddle.

Give yourself some grace. And then give yourself a swift kick in the butt.

Let’s do this. I believe in you.

Paid subscribers get full access to my next book (which is still in progress), One Day at a Time: Healing from Trauma & Breaking Toxic Cycles.

The in-between part feels scary.

The in-between part is necessary though, in order for everything you have prayed for to enter your life. You cannot leave the past season of trials or problems, and enter the blessings of your answered prayers without walking through this metaphorical hallway of the in-between. When you’re in an in-between season, at first its exhilarating because you were probably hoping and praying for a way out of whatever it was you were going through. It’s exhilarating because it’s such a relief to leave behind the discomfort of what was. Leaving behind the pain, hurt, or betrayal feels good. It feels wonderful to shift out of that chaotic harmful situation. But then you’re standing there, wondering what’s next, looking around like “Did I just make a huge mistake? Can I even do this?”

Of course you can!

That’s why you’ve made it to the in-between part. The hardest part is behind you (which isn’t to say the in-between isn’t also hard), because that part is psychological. You’ve already done the hardest thing! Now you just need to find the strength to make it through the in-between.

The strength you’ll find in the in-between part will be ahead of you, not behind. You’ll find your strength in:

-Doing little things DAILY that move you forward… ESPECIALLY when you are discouraged and want to turn back. When you want to turn back, it’s IMPERATIVE that you do something (anything) that moves you forward.

-Seek out connection to someone healthy who knows what you’re leaving behind. Because they know what you left behind, they’re going to root you on towards the future you’re building. It’s time to call your girlfriends who you know will call you up higher.

-Envision the life you’re building. Close your eyes, and take time building the future life that you’re creating in your mind. Build that life in your mind. Envision yourself living that life. Get to know the future you, so that you can start acting like her and making choices as her TODAY. Future you isn’t the kind of person who will crawl into the fetal position and disassociate because she’s scared. Future you would grab you by the shoulders and tell you to cry and throw your fit, but then get your ass up because you have a future to build.

-Prioritize self care. No I’m not talking about buying yourself ice cream when you can’t afford the splurge and you know it’s gonna make you crap your pants later (ok well I’m allergic to dairy so this one might be personal). I’m talking about the type of self care where you’re honest with yourself about what kind of care you need right now. Do you really need a night out with the girls to distract yourself from your problems? Or do you need a quiet evening with a book to calm down those cortisol levels? Sometimes self care means getting ourselves connected to community somehow, out in the world. Sometimes self care requires isolation and self reflection. Only you know that. When you’re in the in-between, and you’re feeling like turning back, sit down with yourself and reflect until you know what you need. Just the other day I did this, and I realized I needed to finish work 30 minutes early, clean my room, change my sheets, tell my kids to figure out their own dinner tonight (they’re 16, 18, & 20… I can do that 😜), make myself a salad, eat dinner in the solitude of my bedroom, take an everything shower, watch a movie, and go to sleep at 9 pm. That was what self care looked like for me on that day. But other days, self care may look entirely different. Only you can know this for yourself, but it does take time to get in touch with yourself and your needs on this level, so just be kind to yourself along the journey.

With that being said, I have some life updates to share that are very fitting with this concept of the in-between. As promised, I also have some photo galleries at the end. They’re just photo dumps of random pictures I took over the past month or so, but they’re also things that sparked joy for me. It’s very important for you to realize that there is plenty of joy to be found, even during the in-between part. 🥰 With everything going on in my life, many people have reached out to check on me and ask how they can help support me right now. Friends, family, as well as my online community have reached out to ask how I’m doing, or if I need anything.

The truth is that I’ve still been figuring everything out. This whole year has consisted of me thinking I have a solution figured out, only to find out that the road is closed & be sent on a wild goose chase of a detour by life’s circumstances. When I lost my job in March, obviously I felt pretty discouraged at first. I loved that job! And I was doing a dang good job! But I know that sometimes what feels like a setback is actually a set up for something better, so I rallied and found encouragement in the thought that there’s something better for me. I have applied for soooooo many jobs. I’ve even had some interviews. I’ve actually never interviewed for a position where I wasn’t offered the job… UNTIL NOW. 😭 I have in fact interviewed for many jobs, but have not received a job offer. Let’s just say the old ego has been properly put in it’s place.

I’ve been paying my bills. I’ve been robbing Peter to pay Paul, as my dad would say. I rolled up my sleeves, put on my big girl britches, and started doing what I need to do in order to survive and take care of my kids. I’ve sold a lot of stuff that I had that I didn’t need. I’ve taken on freelance work. I’ve done a bunch of Spark deliveries. All the while, I’ve been applying for jobs… But I’ve also been considering other possibilities… like going back to school.

I actually went to college straight out of high school. I wasn’t ready, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn’t have the maturity or self discipline to succeed in college, so 18 year old Amber promptly messed that up. I moved back to my hometown, and enrolled at the junior college. I did very well, but then I got distracted… then got married… and before you know it I forgot all about my plans for a degree. Fast forward to the past 10 years, when my kids became old enough for me to work again, and I was easily able to find work that paid well without a degree. I have over 14 years experience in marketing, social media management, branding, writing, and jobs in that field. I’ve never had trouble finding jobs/freelance work. That’s just not the case anymore. I have accepted some freelance clients, so it’s not a complete ghost town, but when you’re doing entrepreneur type of work, you do not start out with a client base. You have to build that over time. But in the meanwhile, I have bills to pay, a house to keep from foreclosure, and a whole household to support financially. I don’t have the luxury to be patient and build slowly. I need work NOW.

deep cleansing breaths

So as I was looking into other possibilities, I decided to check and see if I would qualify for the FAFSA. Honestly, I did not think I would, and I thought I would end up trying to enroll in a trade school on scholarship. To my surprise, I did qualify for the FAFSA. So I started to wonder… Could I do this? Could I go back to school full time, apply for grants, work part time, take out student loans (with discretion and not all willy nilly), and live off of that? There’s a really great possibility that I can! I’m still working out all of the details. There are more than a few grants that I’ve applied for, and just found out I was approved for one. I’ve been in close communication with the financial aid office, and I am definitely going to be able to secure the funding to stay afloat. The kicker is that I won’t have access to any of that money until October. So between now and October, I have to continue to pay my mortgage, truck payment, insurance, etc. Trust me, I’m looking into any and all potential solutions. I’m reaching high and low to make sure my household is provided for, both short term and long term.

I literally JUST saved my house from foreclosure. This is one of the more frustrating parts of this whole ordeal… I fought so hard to save this house, and got fired the same week they approved my loan modification.

So to all the people who have reached out to me to ask if I’m ok, or if I need help… Yes I am ok. I’m more than ok.

& YES I ACTUALLY DO NEED HELP.

First and foremost, I need to bring on new clients. If you know of a small business, a realtor, entrepreneur, or public figure who needs social media management, send them my way. If you’re someone who runs a business, set up a free consultation call with me. I have affordable rates and packages, and I am happy to customize a package in order to meet the unique marketing needs you have.

If I had just a couple of new clients, I would be set. I have 2 leads, so I know it’s more than possible.

I’m also working on deadlines to keep my bills paid. I’m working every day to make this happen.

If you have valid suggestions, or want to help directly towards this need, please send me a direct message privately.

Are parts of this in-between stage that I’m not particularly enjoying? Absolutely.

But I also know that the uncomfortable parts are just growing pains. Any time we let go of what isn’t meant for us, it opens doors of opportunity ahead of us. Sometimes the doors that ARE for us won’t open until we let go of what we’re supposed to let go of. I see my doors of opportunity opening, and I’m tempted to sprint down this metaphorical hallway so that I can move on and walk through those doors. However, I can also sense in my spirit that this hallway is necessary. I have to keep moving forward, and what I need will come to me as long I keep going.

I’m gonna keep going forward. What about you?

For those wondering how you can support me right now, I ask that you pray for clarity, courage, and provision. It would also be a tremendous support if you would like to become a paid subscriber to my Substack.

All my paid subscribers have access to the book I’m writing, “One Day at a Time: Recovering from Trauma & Breaking Toxic Cycles”.

It’s only natural to feel afraid, or even to panic a little. What’s behind you is everything you’ve ever known. But there’s a reason you burned that bridge, Beautiful One. There’s a reason you drew that line in the sand. Sometimes a bridge must be burned, because there can never be the temptation of turning back.

You’re not meant to turn back.

But it’s scary, and what if something bad happens? Can it really be as bad as what you’ve made it through, babes? Mourn what you left behind. Mourn it, grieve it, and lament it. You better let yourself feel every damned feeling you need to feel. Feel it. Rage? Betrayal? Humiliation? That ache of loneliness that pulls you like a magnet back towards that past life? You gotta let yourself feel it, sweetheart. Believe me, if I could somehow spare you from this part, I would. This is the only way. You can’t go around it. You gotta go through it.

But before you know it, you’ll have a good day. You’ll have a day where you start to hope again…. start to dream a little, and your heart smiles. On that day, you will bask in the warmth of contentment and hope. That will be a very good day. And then you will have some days that aren’t so good. But the good days will become more and more.

Then one day, after some time has past, you will look back on that burned bridge with gratitude. Your heart will bubble with pride at the life you built. You will look on the other side of that burned bridge, and then you will look around at your family, your lover, your home, and your little wonderful world…. And you will weep once again. These will not be tears of sadness though, my sister. The tears that will stream freely down your face will be beautiful, sacred tears of joy.

I can already see that future version of you now.

She is glorious, trust me. I’m so proud of you.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Breathe in. Breathe out.

One day at a time.

The part of the sermon that I found to be a hard pill to swallow stated, “Faith isn’t so much believing that God will make a way through…. But rather, faith is the unwavering refusal to so much as entertain the notion that God might not make a way.”

I am very much in a season where I have moments where I want to lay down and quit. I believe that something good is on the other side of this difficult season, but I’m tired of having to be strong and tough it out “just a little longer”. When I got a dream job offer this January, at no point did I imagine I would lose that job in May. That job was the answer to my prayers. As soon as I started getting paychecks I mapped out a plan to be on my feet financially by August, which I was well on my way to achieving. Then the next thing you know I’m in a meeting in May being told that it’s nothing I did wrong, but they have to let me go because they’re “moving in a different direction”. Something about a multi-millionaire who commutes back and forth from Georgia to Virginia DAILY via plane firing a single mom who was simply elated to be almost caught up on all her bills just feels below the belt.

I truly do believe that sometimes a setback is just a set up for something better. And I really do believe the outcome of this will be fantastic. But BOY have I grown tired of pulling myself back up by my boot straps.

Someone told me two days ago, “You know, you should really have an emergency fund saved.” Yeah, no shit Sherlock. And I would, except for having to start over and over and over again. It feels like getting the rug yanked out from beneath you, just to stand up & regain your balance, just to have it yanked out again. My plan was to build an emergency fund as soon as I wasn’t at risk of losing my home or vehicle (which thank God, I JUST ACCOMPLISHED).

Anyways sorry I know this sounds like it has turned into a complain-fest, but the truth is that I’m feeling a lot more encouraged right now. My point is that sometimes what we need to hear is not what we want to hear.

So here I am, choosing to have faith that I will find a new job that is even better than the one I had. I also have some leads for freelance work as a social media manager. I do really enjoy doing that, but there are obvious drawbacks to doing freelance. With that being said, the good far outweighs the bad. So I decided to build a simple website (www.mothandbloom.com), and accept social media manager clients.

With that being said, I’m glad I ran across that old sermon of mine, because it is not time to lie down and quit. It’s time to dig in my heels, and refuse to even entertain the notion that I won’t make it. God has a 100% track record of getting me through difficult times, so why would this be any different?

I’m going to make it, and so are you. So if you’re going through a difficult time, I want you to believe that - though it might be difficult - you ARE going to make it, as long as you don’t give up. You’re not going to give up. It’s simply not an option.

I have spent the last couple of years writing a book about recovering from trauma. This book has been a beautiful, painful, labor of love. I wrote this book because back when I was diagnosed with PTSD, I looked everywhere for answers. The Christian church had very few answers. In fact, much of the resources I turned to caused me more harm and pain. I started counseling and read a plethora of trauma books focused on psychology and neuroscience. While much of these resources did help, they still left a gap in my healing process. I came to the point where I realized that I wasn’t just going to be able to heal while acknowledging the spiritual, nor was I going to be able to only acknowledge the psychological. I needed both. Inner healing was a painfully lonely path for me, but I learned a lot, I healed a lot, and I did in fact heal. I’m writing the book that I wish had existed all of those years ago.

Chapters 1-9 are all available here on my Substack for paid subscribers. Now more than ever, it would be a tremendous blessing if you subscribed to read my book that is in progress, with a working title of One Day at a Time: Recovering from Trauma & Breaking Toxic Cycles.

P.S. I am working on a post that is just life updates. So many things have happened! My middle child Lexi has graduated. I get to hang out all of the time with my beautiful granddaughter Avi, and so much more. I have pictures galore, so just hang in there and I’ll have that up either later today or tomorrow.

I feel like I’ve been fighting an uphill battle for the past 2 years AT LEAST. 2025 was hands down the hardest year of my life. I got separated from my husband of 18 years, then got back together for another try. Then we separated again. My mom went through open heart surgery. There were also about five major traumatic events that took place scattered throughout last year. However, I felt like I was about to make it through a season. What I mean is that I felt in my spirit that I was about to start a new chapter in life. I felt like all of that was building up to something big… AND I WAS RIGHT! The last couple of months of 2025 was like a burst of everything that needed to be purged from my life ALL AT ONCE. It was terrifyingly exhilarating, because even in the chaos I knew that if I was going to get where I wanted to be (metaphorically speaking), and achieve what I desperately knew I needed to achieve, then I had no choice but to upend some things. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. Sometimes we’ve gotta do a little demolition before we can build something new. Sometimes bridges need to be burned.

Through it all, I knew that if I was going to build a beautiful life with my kids I would need financial independence, I would need to find a way to keep my truck and my house, and I would need a new job. I was hired for basically my dream job in December. I started two weeks ago. I got my first paycheck today. I’m so close to establishing EXACTLY what the frick I said I would establish.

All along in my mind I thought that if I could just hang in there until my first paycheck, that me and the kids would be fine. Well, we made it…. But the thing about getting back up on your feet is, things are really tight for a while while you’re getting caught up. My account was negative, my truck payments were behind still, and (full transparency) my mortgage is still behind. I’ve been in contact with all my lenders, so I know this will be ok eventually. We’ve just gotta hang in there a little longer and be frugal.

With that being said, I was also out of several of my medications (finally got them all this week), out of many personal hygiene products (and we still are), and household items that we simply had to put off.

I don’t even really know what dignity is after the hell we just went through, so I’m just putting this out there… if there was ever a time when I needed paid subscribers, this is it.

My marriage is over for good. Nobody is coming to my rescue (though I’ve felt the love and support of my extended family, my local friends, my friends from afar who have reached out to me, as well as my loving online communities)! One thing they don’t teach girls and women in the church is that sometimes you gotta put on your big girl panties and be your own hero. Sometimes you just gotta rescue yourself. The church didn’t teach me that, but life did. Please don’t hear me wrong, I can see God’s provision in my life. But honestly, what I saw the most of was God teaching ME how powerful I am. For once in my life, I could feel God saying to me, “No girl… It ain’t time to lay down and wallow, waiting on a man to save you. Tag you’re it. Let’s do this.”

So by God, I dusted myself off and did what needed to be done. While I was in between jobs, I took freelance work, I DoorDashed from sun up, wayyyyy past sun down. I did whatever I had to do to scrape together a meager Christmas for my babies. It was tiring and painful at times, but I tapped into my reservoir of vast stubbornness, and got shit done. By the grace of God, somehow I managed to keep our electricity from getting shut off, phone lines from being disconnected, internet from being turned off, and truck from being repossessed. THOSE are the kinds of blessings I’m counting right now.

As I mentioned, I got my first paycheck today. I’ve been crunching the numbers, and if I’m going to keep my agreements that I’ve made regarding my mortgage, truck payment & electric bill…. & if I’m going to make sure my kids have all the personal hygiene products they need, as well as a fully stocked pantry of food…. I need to ask for help. I will not take out a loan, and I don’t want a handout.

For those of you who may not be aware, I’ve been writing a book about healing from trauma. My working title is One Day at a Time. I already have 8 chapters published, and I’m working on the 9th one. This is a book that I am writing for those of us who have trauma that we’re trying to heal from. My background is Christian, but sometimes the goofy stuff Christians teach regarding trauma & inner healing can be downright dangerous. I also felt like in the secular world of counseling, therapy and psychology that the spiritual aspect of healing was neglected. Please do not think I’m anti-therapy because that is most definitely not the case. I don’t know where I’d be without therapy. I just felt that something important was missing. Basically I’m writing the book that I wish existed for me when I was desperate for help understanding what a PTSD diagnosis meant for me, and how I would ever recover… if it were even possible at all. I can tell you this, even though the past year of my life has been pure chaos incarnate, I can feel the growth. I can see the proof of my progress in healing from the trauma that once ripped me apart and kept me from even leading a normal life. That’s how I know that what I’m writing is worth reading and that this book will help so many people.

Would you be willing to become a paid subscriber? It would help me out tremendously, and I know it will be worth every penny for you. I love writing, & I love encouraging others. I don’t want anyone to do without, or to cause themselves financial strain, but if you can afford it and you want to help me towards my goals, it would be a miracle to me and my kids.

I AM SOOOOO FRICKEN CLOSE.

I JUST NEED A LITTLE PUSH ACROSS THE FINISH LINE.

If you’d like to become a paid subscriber it would mean so much to me, and will literally put food on on my table. Thank you so much for reading this.

I feel like I’ve been fighting an uphill battle for the past 2 years AT LEAST. 2025 was hands down the hardest year of my life. I got separated from my husband of 18 years, then got back together for another try. Then we separated again. My mom went through open heart surgery. There were also about five major traumatic events that took place scattered throughout last year. However, I felt like I was about to make it through a season. What I mean is that I felt in my spirit that I was about to start a new chapter in life. I felt like all of that was building up to something big… AND I WAS RIGHT! The last couple of months of 2025 was like a burst of everything that needed to be purged from my life ALL AT ONCE. It was terrifyingly exhilarating, because even in the chaos I knew that if I was going to get where I wanted to be (metaphorically speaking), and achieve what I desperately knew I needed to achieve, then I had no choice but to upend some things. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. Sometimes we’ve gotta do a little demolition before we can build something new. Sometimes bridges need to be burned.

Through it all, I knew that if I was going to build a beautiful life with my kids I would need financial independence, I would need to find a way to keep my truck and my house, and I would need a new job. I was hired for basically my dream job in December. I started two weeks ago. I got my first paycheck today. I’m so close to establishing EXACTLY what the frick I said I would establish.

All along in my mind I thought that if I could just hang in there until my first paycheck, that me and the kids would be fine. Well, we made it…. But the thing about getting back up on your feet is, things are really tight for a while while you’re getting caught up. My account was negative, my truck payments were behind still, and (full transparency) my mortgage is still behind. I’ve been in contact with all my lenders, so I know this will be ok eventually. We’ve just gotta hang in there a little longer and be frugal.

With that being said, I was also out of several of my medications (finally got them all this week), out of many personal hygiene products (and we still are), and household items that we simply had to put off.

I don’t even really know what dignity is after the hell we just went through, so I’m just putting this out there… if there was ever a time when I needed paid subscribers, this is it.

My marriage is over for good. Nobody is coming to my rescue (though I’ve felt the love and support of my extended family, my local friends, my friends from afar who have reached out to me, as well as my loving online communities)! One thing they don’t teach girls and women in the church is that sometimes you gotta put on your big girl panties and be your own hero. Sometimes you just gotta rescue yourself. The church didn’t teach me that, but life did. Please don’t hear me wrong, I can see God’s provision in my life. But honestly, what I saw the most of was God teaching ME how powerful I am. For once in my life, I could feel God saying to me, “No girl… It ain’t time to lay down and wallow, waiting on a man to save you. Tag you’re it. Let’s do this.”

So by God, I dusted myself off and did what needed to be done. While I was in between jobs, I took freelance work, I DoorDashed from sun up, wayyyyy past sun down. I did whatever I had to do to scrape together a meager Christmas for my babies. It was tiring and painful at times, but I tapped into my reservoir of vast stubbornness, and got shit done. By the grace of God, somehow I managed to keep our electricity from getting shut off, phone lines from being disconnected, internet from being turned off, and truck from being repossessed. THOSE are the kinds of blessings I’m counting right now.

As I mentioned, I got my first paycheck today. I’ve been crunching the numbers, and if I’m going to keep my agreements that I’ve made regarding my mortgage, truck payment & electric bill…. & if I’m going to make sure my kids have all the personal hygiene products they need, as well as a fully stocked pantry of food…. I need to ask for help. I will not take out a loan, and I don’t want a handout.

For those of you who may not be aware, I’ve been writing a book about healing from trauma. My working title is One Day at a Time. I already have 8 chapters published, and I’m working on the 9th one. This is a book that I am writing for those of us who have trauma that we’re trying to heal from. My background is Christian, but sometimes the goofy stuff Christians teach regarding trauma & inner healing can be downright dangerous. I also felt like in the secular world of counseling, therapy and psychology that the spiritual aspect of healing was neglected. Please do not think I’m anti-therapy because that is most definitely not the case. I don’t know where I’d be without therapy. I just felt that something important was missing. Basically I’m writing the book that I wish existed for me when I was desperate for help understanding what a PTSD diagnosis meant for me, and how I would ever recover… if it were even possible at all. I can tell you this, even though the past year of my life has been pure chaos incarnate, I can feel the growth. I can see the proof of my progress in healing from the trauma that once ripped me apart and kept me from even leading a normal life. That’s how I know that what I’m writing is worth reading and that this book will help so many people.

Would you be willing to become a paid subscriber? It would help me out tremendously, and I know it will be worth every penny for you. I love writing, & I love encouraging others. I don’t want anyone to do without, or to cause themselves financial strain, but if you can afford it and you want to help me towards my goals, it would be a miracle to me and my kids.

I AM SOOOOO FRICKEN CLOSE.

I JUST NEED A LITTLE PUSH ACROSS THE FINISH LINE.

If you’d like to become a paid subscriber it would mean so much to me, and will literally put food on on my table. Thank you so much for reading this.

I don’t like setbacks. I don’t enjoy trials & problems. I’m an enneagram 7, y’all. I can’t romanticize the suffering & I sure as sugar ain’t volunteering for it.

HOWEVER….. with that being said, I’ve managed to spot a pattern.

So far, in my life…. I’ve always come out of every trial, conundrum, problem, & life shattering event, on higher ground. Somehow, I’ve always managed to come out on the other side in better shape than before the incident.

There is a spiritual principle at play here.

Good still exists, even in the darkest times.

Romans 8:28 says that God causes all things to work together for good.

Oftentimes, the answer to our prayers comes packaged as a problem. I reminded myself of this very fact the last time I lost a job. I spruced up my resume, decided that this was an opportunity for a pay raise, and managed to land a job that was an upgrade in every way. At that job, I met friends that are really important to me now. That is just one of many situations that started out as a trial, and then somehow transformed into something beautiful.

I challenge you to reprogram your brain to think of problems differently. That problem is probably a promotion in disguise.

I didn’t always think this way, and this hasn’t always been the case for me. Problems don’t ALWAYS produce something promising.

Wanna know what the key is? PERSPECTIVE.

I’M DEAD SERIOUS.

Your mindset is actually THE main deciding factor that will either cause a problem to unfold into a promotion. Because yes, it is possible to waste a perfectly good trial. Many people do, in fact.

Most people handle problems/trials in one of these ways:

A. Avoid & detach - (my personal crux) This is the person who pretends that nothing is wrong. They look for ways to escape. Sometimes this is the person who parties, drinks, and turns to social activities to avoid & keep their mind off of their problems. This can also be the person who hides away, sleeps, plays video games, and tries to escape from reality altogether. Remember when Lorelai Gilmore leaves town rather than tell Max Medina she didn’t want to get married? That’s a great example.

B. Crash out, stress, & worry - (oh wait, I’ve been guilty of this one too) This is the person whose life is overtaken when they are facing a trial. The problem completely derails them. It affects their job, their health, and their day to day life. They will often catastrophize. For the most part, they aren’t able to enjoy anything during the trial.

I DON’T RECOMMEND EITHER OF THESE, BTW.

Might I recommend a third option?

C. Treasure hunter & opportunist - This is a person who heads into a problem with their eyes open for opportunities. They don’t deny the reality of the discomfort. They don’t have to resort to toxic positivity or deny their feelings. They have decided that this problem HAS to bless them. They won’t accept any other outcome. They look for solutions, while keeping an open mind. They remain adaptable and consider all possibilities. They allow themselves to shelf the problem for self care, and as a way to find peace of mind.

It is because of this that they will see the possibilities that exist within that problem. It is because of their expectation of something good within the problem that they will see the training within the trial. It’s because of their mindset that they will allow this trial to teach them something.

Problems and trials are a part of life. Trying to avoid them, or telling yourself that problems won’t happen to you are simply immature. It’s just as unproductive and harmful to live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The problem is just an opportunity for something better to come into your life. But it is extremely unlikely that you will see opportunities or betterment if you use approach A or B.

The next time you are facing a problem, try thanking God for the opportunity for a promotion. Ask God to reveal to you what you can learn within this problem. Do what you can with what you have. Ask for God’s assistance, yes…. But also use your brain to problem solve. Use common sense. I didn’t get a better job by only praying for it. I got a better job by putting feet to my prayers. God isn’t gonna update my resume, or go online researching jobs. But what God does do, is cross our paths with people we need to meet, or guide us to the right place at the right time (& so much more).

I would love to take your face in my hands, look you in your eyeballs, and tell you this:

The setback you’re facing is a setup for something better. I know it. You know it. Keep your head held high, and know this: You WILL make it through this, and somehow you will be better off on the other side of this.

For so many years I’ve taught others about self love. And then somehow without realizing it I allowed my own self love to fizzle completely out.

Now it’s time to reclaim my life.

I’m starting a 30 day challenge for myself, and you’re invited to join me.

I am going to actively journal every single day of these next thirty days. In an effort to reclaim and reinvigorate my life, I have some new habits I want to create, I have some practices I want to revisit, and I have a list of projects to overhaul in my home that will make life easier and more joyful for myself as well as my family.

I like to externally process problems. It makes my thought process clearer when I can tell someone or write down my problems or frustrations, so that’s why I decided to share my little journey. Plus, I want to invite anyone out there who relates with any of this to join along in reclaiming their life and finding joy in the mundane.

First and foremost, my health hasn’t been the greatest. Part of that is due to the fact that I have an auto immune disease, and the other part is that I haven’t really cared to take great care of myself. I have fallen off of the batch cooking, food prepping wagon, and I have lost my creativity in the kitchen.

So in the health department, the following changes will be re-incorporated:

1. meal prepping & meal planning
2. More movement & exercise
3. I made a dr’s appointment I’ve been putting off (for almost 16 years)
4. I re-ordered all supplements I was out of & refilled all my meds.
5. Cutting alcohol & turning to teas as evening comfort drinks.

In the finances department, these are the changes I am implementing:

1. I will be substack-ing again. I have a goal to gain 10 new paid subscribers over the next 30 days.
2. I will be doordashing on Saturdays and Sundays all day.
3. Curb/refrain from any impulse/frivolous spending.

This category might seem miscellaneous, but these are all things that drastically affect my mental health so we’ll call it the mental health department. Some of these are very specific because they have been areas of discomfort or inconvenience.

1. I need to switch bedrooms with my son. His room is upstairs and mine is downstairs in the basement. Logistically, this room switch is going to solve so many problems, but it’s also going to be a lot of work. My goal is actually to do this over the weekend but I will also need to paint his old room before moving my things in.
2. Less doom scrolling & screen time on social media. More reading books.
3. I need to go hiking. Like, immediately. This also falls under health but it’s far more mental than physical for me.
4. Opting out of all drama & unnecessary stress.
5. Enforcing razor wire boundaries when dealing with certain toxic people.

I have some work to do.

I’ve also been off of SubStack and other social media platforms for many months now, so we have a lot of catching up to do. Over the next 30 days I’m going to write every day on SubStack, so we’ll definitely catch up a little bit at a time.

For now, here are some things that happened over the past 6ish months, as well as a gallery of photos I have snapped over that time:

I have bangs now
They are cute
I have made some friends through work, so I’m not a recluse shut in anymore
I started attending a local church
My 19 year old son is going to be a FATHER
I’m thoroughly looking forward to my Memaw era
My sweet baby boy dog, Winston passed away 💔

These posts won’t be as polished as the ones you may have been used to from me, but I’m really busy right now. I don’t have a lot of free time, which is why I am about to be very intentional about how I use my time. So I’m not going to worry myself with editing my writing. I just need to commit to doin the dang thing. Too often, I let perfectionism keep me from progress.

What about you?

What’s been going on in your world?

Are you in a season of needing to reclaim your life?

How are you gonna make that happen?

If you decide to do this challenge with me, and you end up writing about it, please tag me in your post! I’d love for us to be able to cheer one another on as we get our shit back together. 🥰

I can feel the spiritual weight of this season. I hear God calling me to cut off the dead weight, get back in touch with my calling, and protect my peace like never before.

Sometimes I share some of my beliefs I hold that aren’t exactly mainstream. It never fails to make some waves, and I’m definitely not aiming for that. Let’s talk about it for a second.

Most people I connect with online would say they’ve deconstructed their beliefs somewhat or they consider themselves deconstructing. In other words the faith they grew up in probably does not match their current beliefs. I grew up holiness pentecostal but my beliefs are much different now because intense study of scripture, as well as Holy Spirit led me here. But we all have to accept that we’re not going to agree on everything and that’s ok.

It’s impossible for the doctrines I believe to all be 100% correct. I am inevitably wrong about some of the things I believe.

Same for you.

I remember sharing off-handedly on the Ezer Rising Facebook page, a post about not following the 10 commandments. A surprisingly large number of people unfollowed the page. I didn’t even realize it would be controversial! I guess I thought it would be common knowledge that I believe in following the law of the new covenant, which is LOVE (love God & love your neighbor as yourself). Side note: Following the law of Love will actually keep a person from breaking those infamous 10 commandments. Similarly, at one point I remarked that I don’t believe in a sinful nature or that we’re born inherently bad/sinful. I just want to be clear that it truly is ok for you to not believe the same things as me, and vice versa. I’m fully aware that I could be wrong. I’m counting on being wrong about some things, because nobody has perfect doctrine on every single thing.

In fact, I’ll never forget the day that the Holy Spirit rocked my world by whispering “Not everyone who disagrees with you is wrong” into my spirit. Pride tells us we have to have it all figured out, and pride keeps us from growing.

Some people feel that when we disagree about things as believers, it causes division. I disagree. I don’t think we have to agree on everything in order to have unity. I believe there can be unity AND diversity. In fact, I believe that unity REQUIRES diversity.

So what is Unity?

I really with all my heart believe that when Love is the energy behind all that we do, we can unify under that. Is there a hell? Or is there not a hell? We will all land in various places and opinions on that topic. But it doesn’t matter. Arguing won’t help us find Ultimate Truth. You may be right & I’m wrong. Or maybe I’m right and you’re wrong. Who knows? We don’t know for sure right now. We only know in part, on this side of heaven. We both have our interpretations of scripture so we can both form intelligent theories. We can do word studies, and read the opinions of academics who have specialized in this area of research. And yet we still only know in part. No amount of being offended with one another will change the truth. I do believe in a heaven, and I believe that when we cross over there, we will think a lot of these arguments or disagreements were so silly & trivial.

Even if you believe very differently than I do, I want you to know that you’re welcome here. If you’re willing, I believe we can unify under God’s Love… God WHO IS LOVE.

LOVE is the only perfect doctrine I know. 💜

TW: sexual content, rape, toxic purity culture

I still remember the youth camp that our strict Pentecostal church sent us to as teens. They made their rules clear: No makeup, no pants, no slits in your skirts, and the skirts had to cover your knees while sitting and standing. It was a summer camp but there would be no swimming. Boys and girls had to stay within arms length of one another, and that rule was enforced.

I will remember this one session for the rest of my life. This session was for girls only, but it was still led by a man. He began his talk, and we were a captive audience.

"A woman's purity and virtue is like a beautiful rose," he began. "Each of you are like roses that are beginning to bloom. How lovely is a rose when it blooms. The loveliness of a rose will attract guys who want to behold her beauty. They'll want to smell the rose, look at it, and sometimes even pick it to put in a vase. But your rose is holy. It isn't meant to be held or touched by just anyone. There's only one man who is meant to come into contact with your rose, and that's your future husband. But what if you did decide to give your rose to another guy?"

At this point, a prop is handed to him as a sermon illustration. Big surprise... a white rose. The white represents... you guessed it... PURITY.

"This guy takes your rose, uses it for the momentary pleasure it brings him, and then casts you aside."

He kind of crumples the flower and then throws it on the ground. he walks over and pretends he doesn't notice he stepped on the rose.

"Then, later you meet the man that God created for you. Your heart screams 'THIS IS MY FUTURE HUSBAND!' and you know that you know that he is the one. So eventually you two are courting, and the topic of purity comes up, and you reluctantly show him your rose."

He picks the rose up off the ground and shows it to us. He's left the pulpit and is now walking dramatically in front of our seats so that we can see that it is crumpled and dirty from his shoe. Some of the girls are crying at this point.

"But this man of God sees your rose and knows that it wasn't saved for him. Another man has held this rose, and he will never be the only one."

So the story goes on that the man God intended to be her husband rejects her because of the betrayal that happened before he even knew her. He cries out to God, and God sends him a different wife with an unsullied rose. For the rest of her life she sees him, the man who God created for her, with the woman he deserved... not her.

I just sat there like "Well damn. There's no hope at all for me."

I was 16, and I had been raped 6 months prior by a man who was 23. This sermon didn't even end with any type of option for redemption.

This one sermon sent me into a spiral. I had crossed the point of no return, so there's no point in trying to keep it together. What's done is done. After that summer, I never went back to church camp. After that, every summer consisted of partying, drugs, and me seeking love (and since I believed that love = sex, consequently there was a lot of sex). I put myself in dangerous and risky situations, in search of someone who would love me. Purity culture told me lies that led almost to my actual destruction. Shame has a way of snowballing. It might have begun in that session where I learned my rose was tainted. But through the years it snowballed bigger with every risky & regrettable decision.

It makes me very angry that they created this whole analogy and concept (that is literally not even hinted at in scripture) in order to control and manipulate girls and young women into not having sex. I'm sure the guys were off in a different building being told to only seek women of virtue & purity, and to flee girls who lead them into temptation. It is interesting to me how the purity analogies for men never seem to indicate that they're washed up and used.

Purity culture is HARMING our girls and young women. Imagine if we could rewind time, and in that sanctuary full of teen girls with their long hair, long skirts, and no makeup they heard a different sermon. If I could transport myself through time to take that stage, I would walk behind the pulpit and preach something like this:

"Each of you are one of the Creator's greatest masterpieces. You are so loved, so accepted, and so adored by God. There is nothing you could ever do to cause that love, acceptance or adoration from God to cease. There are so many voices in this world that will try to tell you that you have to do XYZ to be good enough... Or that in order to be worthy of love, you have to abide by certain rules. But I want you to know that you're worthy of love, PERIOD. You're already worthy of love. You're already worthy of respect. Many will come along to try to tell you that your worth changes depending on your choices. Some would have you to believe that you won't be good enough to deserve love and acceptance unless you play by their rules. Specifically, you'll hear a lot of talk like this around the topic of sex. Sex is one of those things that are really amazing and good, but has some weird, wild, manipulative ideas and doctrines circulating about it. This is really confusing because you'll hear one thing here, and another thing there. But rest assured, the decision to have sex is yours. Only you can make that choice for you. You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be cherished, respected, and honored. Never ever give any part of yourself to someone undeserving of the preciousness that is YOU.... If someone makes you feel uncomfortable or pressured, you don't owe them anything. Your no is just as sacred as your yes....(there's more I would say here but I would wrap up with this>>). If you made certain decisions, like to wait until marriage to have sex, but then you did have sex, it's not the end of the world. Your worth didn't change. Your lovability didn't change. You're still you, and you're not damaged goods. God isn't ashamed of you, or disappointed in you. You didn't ruin anything. If you've been violated and someone did things sexually to you that you did not consent to you, I want you to know that you're not tainted. You didn't ask for that. You didn't deserve it. And in no way shape or form was it your fault. You do not deserve shame. You still deserve love, respect, and acceptance. I'm so sorry this happened to you."

Purity culture lies to our young sisters. Those lies are far more harmful than sex before marriage. It's time to change the narrative.

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It was 5:05 AM, and I woke up abruptly. I could barely breathe. My heart was racing, and I already had tears streaming. I couldn’t even remember the nightmare that I had, but I woke up in a state of panic, urgently feeling like I was fleeing from danger. My hands were trembling, and I felt like all the hope had been sucked out of the world. Still, I forced myself out of bed. I ended up puking, and then I put my big girl sweat pants on to face the day. After all, I’m a mother. I had to get up, get ready, get my kids some breakfast, and get them to school. Moms don’t really get to take mental health days. But after I dropped them all off at school, I came home, laid down on the couch, and I cried. I bawled, sobbed, and wept. I was so disappointed. I had been going to therapy, and inner healing. I had been making progress. It had been days since I’d last had a panic attack. I felt like a failure. Wasn’t this supposed to get BETTER?! It wasn’t fair that I was putting in the work to heal, but I was still having panic attacks.

You’re going to have days like this too. You’re going to have days where you think you should be further along than you are. You will have moments of disappointment, because when you’re in the trenches of healing, it’s difficult to look at the big picture. When you’re in the midst of emotional turmoil, and panic attacks, it feels much bigger than it really is. You will have better days though. Your growth is not marked by the low moments, but rather the high moments.

The journey to recovery and healing is not linear. It’s a tangled mess. Believe me, I wish it was. Eventually I realized this, but not until after a lot of frustration. The journey to healing and recovery is not a march. A march progresses forward only. They might halt when needed, but their march takes them forward. A march is uniform, tidy, predictable, and clean. That’s not what recovery is like. Recovery is not tidy or predictable.

Recovery is a waltz, not a march. Have you ever seen very talented dancers waltz? It is absolutely beautiful. In a waltz, the dancers spin around, change directions, and they rise and fall as they twirl. In a way, it’s smooth. There is a rise and a fall. There is a cadence. But imagine what it would feel like to think you’re in a march, but you’re actually in a waltz. This may not be too hard for some of you to imagine. Maybe you know what it’s like to expect your progress to move you forward, just to have what feels like a setback. I know this feeling all too well. When you’re on a journey of recovery and healing, you need to manage your expectations and be realistic. If you are expecting each day to be better than the last, you will be sorely disappointed. For the most part, it just doesn’t work that way. You’ll have days where your progress is obvious, and it’ll start to feel hopeful. Then you will inevitably have bad days. You might even have bad weeks. The bad days don’t mean that you’re not making progress. Remember, healing is messy and painful. Some of the most healing days were also the worst days, because it hurts and it simply is not fun. Even though it doesn’t feel this way in the moment, your healing journey is beautiful. You won’t be able to see the beauty in it for years probably, but one day you’ll look back and see the beauty in the healing.

If you expect your healing journey to be a continuous forward march, you will be disoriented and frustrated. Why? Because recovery is not a march. Recovery is a waltz. And though a waltz is beautiful and exhilarating, if you expected to be in a march that turned out to unexpectedly be a waltz, it’s going to be disappointing at best - terrifying at worst.

I want you to stop reading for a moment. I want you to close your eyes, and wrap your arms around yourself like a hug. Take a deep breath, then slowly let it out. Say to yourself out loud (even if you can only whisper), “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in my healing journey. I’m not behind. I’m right where I need to be, in this present moment.”

This chapter title reads like this chapter might be an instruction manual, or a formula, but it definitely isn’t prescriptive. There is no correct order to these steps, and you’ll likely go through all of them many times throughout your journey of recovering from trauma. Not all of what I recommend here will be applicable, and maybe some of the tools I mention won’t be for you. That’s ok. Also, you’ll probably discover some things that work for you that I haven’t even thought of. That’s wonderful! Please understand that everything I’ve written here is meant to help and assist people as they heal. If something doesn’t seem like a good fit for you, feel free to disregard it.

1. Identify Your Triggers

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One of my favorite parts about being the director of Quoir Academy is that one of our highest priorities is centering the voices of people committed to anti-racism, racial reconciliation, and true unity. Black history month should be about actually making a difference; not just lip service.

I would like to take a moment to spotlight two of our course instructors at Quoir Academy, who also happen to be amazing black women (who just launched courses).

LaToya Thompson

LaToya has been a writer for over 20 years! She currently lives in Texas. Her writing includes stanzas, newsprint, executive speeches, first-person essays, and short stories. Soon, she looks forward to offering her novel & memoir. Her passion and commitment lie at the intersection of liberation, justice, and joy.

LaToya’s course, Deconstructing & Decolonizing: Picking Up the Pieces of Your Faith covers topics like deconstruction, marriage & divorce, gender roles, evangelical culture and decolonization. This course is for those who are wrestling with their faith, who are seeking support while seeking answers to the tough questions.

Rev. Dr. Angela Parker

Dr. Angela Parker is well known on social media, where she is known as the Boozy Bible Scholar. Though we know and love her from social media, and the casual relatable way she unpacks profound concepts, she is also an associate professor of New Testament and Greek at McAfee. She received her B.A. in religion and philosophy from Shaw University (2008), her M.T.S. from Duke Divinity School (2008-2010) and her Ph.D. in Bible, culture, and hermeneutics (New Testament focus) from Chicago Theological Seminary (2015).

Dr. Parker’s course, Exploring Womanist Theology, you will learn the answers to questions such as: What is the difference between womanism and feminism? How does womanist theology and womanist biblical interpretation spark liberations for larger groups of people? This course will answer these questions & more by exploring the complex relationship between sexism and other binary modes of “isms” such as racism, heterosexism, (neo)colonialism, ableism, ageism, and anti-Semitism as they relate to contemporary theology and ethical biblical interpretation. With a greater understanding of misogyny against all women in churches, communities, and society (i.e. such as politics), we can stand together to build a better future.

These are both amazing women, and their courses will shift your entire paradigm. Support black writers, teachers, professionals, artists & business owners this Black History Month.

I wrote this for any of my friends who want to be a true ally, not just someone who talks. To be a true ally, we must actively fight against racism, and one of the best places to start is LEARNING from black teachers, theologians, professors, writers, and academics. If you happen to be looking for a practical place to start, and where to find credible resources, check out QuoirAcademy.com

I was born and raised in a small town in Texas. When you grow up in a small town, especially when you were raised within a high control religion, it’s sort of like growing up in a bubble. The result is that when you read the Bible, it’s impossible to grasp how very different the culture that existed then, from your own.

We’ve all seen the paintings of Jesus as a dainty white man with blue eyes. I’m embarrassed to admit that it never even occurred to me how absolutely ridiculous of a notion that Jesus looked even remotely like those paintings was, until I was in my twenties studying the Bible for myself. As I studied the Bible, my heart and my beliefs began to change. I still remember the day I was called out from the pulpit of my childhood church for reading the New King James Bible. This led to a disagreement between myself and a family member. I remember it like it was yesterday. They dramatically pointed a finger and ominously declared, “Woe unto he who changeth the word of God!”

The argument dissipated suddenly when I asked, “You are aware that Jesus did not speak English, Right? So your King James Version Bible has been changed from what was originally written. In fact, it's a translation of a translation of a translation, and so forth.”

Little did I know, that time in my life was just the very beginning of an awakening.

By the time I entered my thirties, I had traveled out of the country a couple of times, pursued an education, and became a pastor. I entered a time that some would call deconstruction, but I actually think of it as a time of deep repentance. It became increasingly obvious to me that many of the doctrines that I had been raised with weren’t exactly compatible with the Bible.

As I studied the Bible, how it was made, and by whom it was written, I came to this conclusion: In order to understand the Bible, I could not interpret it through the lens of the culture of the small town I grew up in. I needed a better understanding of the culture that existed when these texts were written. The Bible is composed of letters, poetry, songs, and writings that were written by people who were very different from anything I could imagine with my limited worldview. But I wanted to understand the Bible more clearly so I began learning about those cultures.

I’ve heard people say (hell, I’ve probably even said this at some point), “Well, that’s just what it means to me”, regarding a passage of scripture. The problem with that is that a piece of writing (scripture or not) cannot mean something different than it would have meant to the writer and original intended audience.

When we read the stories of Jesus ministering to people, the parables and illustrations that he spoke of were relevant to their culture. When He tells them that a pinch of leaven leavens the whole loaf, it’s not exactly easy to know what that means unless you’ve made your own bread from scratch (which I can assure you that I have not). Jesus was speaking to people who all made their own bread because this was culturally normal. Jesus refers to parables about sowing seeds, and a shepherd leaving the ninety-nine to find the one. None of these things are particularly familiar to the modern American person. We know OF these things, but they are not a vital part of society now like they were then.

Christianity is not an American religion. The version of Christianity that we participate in as a culture here in the US is handed down and colonized. In fact, it was forced upon the people who were indigenous to this land. I am a citizen of the Chickasaw nation. My ancestors were forced into boarding schools by Christians who colonized this land. Their ceremonial dances, clothing, and even their language was forbidden. These Christians handed my ancestors THEIR culture, and said “Here, this is Christianity. This is how good Christians live.”

But even the version of Christianity that they brought over all those years ago was a far cry from anything that would even remotely resemble the early Church. Unfortunately Christianity has been weaponized against people as a way to force them to conform to a very specific way of life. The simple fact of the matter is that the Christian culture that we participate in, is not a good lens to read, interpret, and comprehend the Bible through.

As I studied the bible in my mid to late thirties, and furthered my education, many of my beliefs changed. I still loved Jesus, but I did not hold to the same doctrines that I grew up with. Huge shifts took place when I began to study what the bible actually says about gender roles. These paths of decolonizing my faith and deconstructing my faith collided and shook up my belief system once again. I eventually stumbled upon the writings of women such as Dr. Rev. Wil Gafney, and Dr. Rev. Angela Parker. My mind was blown, and some pieces began falling into place regarding my faith that felt like they had been missing for a long time.

And that’s the story of how a little country girl from a podunk town in Texas, happened upon Womanist Theology.

Though I do often teach in churches and online, I am, and will likely remain a student of womanist theology. I will, however, point to & elevate the voices of the black women who are (and have always been) teaching others.

I’m really excited to have the opportunity to invite you to be a part of something really special.

You probably already know Dr. Angela Parker (AKA Boozy Bible Scholar on TikTok), but I bet you never imagined that you'd get the chance to learn directly from her! Rev. Dr. Angela N. Parker is associate professor of New Testament and Greek at McAfee. She received her B.A. in religion and philosophy from Shaw University (2008), her M.T.S. from Duke Divinity School (2008-2010) and her Ph.D. in Bible, culture, and hermeneutics (New Testament focus) from Chicago Theological Seminary (2015).

I am so excited to be a part of hosting this virtual event. Make plans to attend this free webinar, Womanism 101: Womanist Theology & the Bible, which will be taught by Dr. Angela Parker.

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I believe that religion (especially high control religion) robs people of their identity. Each of us were created uniquely, in the image of God. We are all image bearers, yet we are diverse - both in appearance and in personality.

It’s unfortunate that a handful of verses are misused, and used to manipulate people into trying to become someone they’re not.

He must increase and I must decrease. John 3:30

I bet you’ve heard that verse preached in a way that made you feel like you couldn’t really be yourself, and that you needed to try to be less, take up less space, and deny your individuality. But that’s not at all what is being said in this verse. Not even remotely close.

This was written by John the Baptist, who was a forerunner for Jesus. In fact, you really need to start reading at least as early as verse 22 to get a good idea of what is going on here. Jesus had just begun his public ministry, and people were coming to John asking questions like, “Hey what do you think about this other guy? He’s baptizing people too!”

They came to John and said, “Rabbi, look! The man who was with you across the Jordan, the one about whom you testified, is baptizing and everyone is flocking to him.” John 3:26

John is saying that his ministry is decreasing because Jesus the Messiah is here and his ministry is increasing.

What about this one?

“I DIE DAILY!” I bet you’ve heard this verse preached before, as a scriptural example of how we have to shrink ourselves and “die” to our desires, but this is actually a terrible translation. Furthermore when you isolate this one sentence alone, you miss the context of Paul and the other disciples risking their lives and facing death daily.

Let’s look at a more accurate translation that more closely reflects what was being said in the original language.

Brothers and sisters, I swear by the pride I have in you in Christ Jesus our Lord, I’m facing death every day. 1 Corinthians 15:31, CEB

Paul actually wrote several of the Epistles (though not 1 Corinthians) from prison. The early church faced great persecution. Many of the disciples were martyrs. They faced actual death daily. This wasn’t some metaphor for stuffing down your own personality or individuality for Jesus.

Let’s do one more.

Have you ever been yelled at from a pulpit to crucify your flesh? If you’ve attended a church more than thrice, I bet you have!

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the self with its passions and its desires. Galatians 5:24 CEB

This verse has nothing to do with denying yourself of basic needs, punishing yourself, or hiding your unique personality or individuality. Crucifying the flesh/self, is about saying no to the temptation to be selfish, self centered, or self serving. Take a look at the context:

I say be guided by the Spirit and you won’t carry out your selfish desires. A person’s selfish desires are set against the Spirit, and the Spirit is set against one’s selfish desires. They are opposed to each other, so you shouldn’t do whatever you want to do. But if you are being led by the Spirit, you aren’t under the Law. The actions that are produced by selfish motives are obvious, since they include sexual immorality, moral corruption, doing whatever feels good, idolatry, drug use and casting spells, hate, fighting, obsession, losing your temper, competitive opposition, conflict, selfishness, group rivalry, jealousy, drunkenness, partying, and other things like that. I warn you as I have already warned you, that those who do these kinds of things won’t inherit God’s kingdom.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against things like this. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the self with its passions and its desires. Galatians 5:16-24

When you put the verse in context, it’s easy to see that this verse isn’t about hiding your individuality to become a religious clone.

Unfortunately, verses like this are taken out of context, and coupled with weird ideas about gender roles (that are not even biblical, but that’s a topic for another article), are drilled into those of us who grew up in the Christian church from a very young age.

If you’re like me, it wasn’t until later in life that you began rethinking some of these ideas. I just turned 40, and it’s only in recent years that I even began to really get in touch with who God created me to be. For most of my life, I worked really hard to become the “Good Christian Woman” that the Christian books and the women’s conferences told me I was supposed to be. But God isn’t calling us to become like a stereotype.

God didn’t create you with the personality you have, the talents, gifts and abilities that you have, by accident. You were created on purpose, for a purpose.

We’re called to be like Jesus. We’re called to yield the fruits of the Spirit in our lives. But that has nothing to do with denying ourselves the unique individuality of who God created us to be. Yes, our identity is found in Christ. But it’s also so much more than that. Our identity is a child of God, but that doesn’t need to result in uniformity or conformity to religious stereotypes. It’s fair to say that John (the one who said “He must increase and I must decrease”) wasn’t a conformist. The guy was fairly eccentric, and he definitely didn’t fit in with what would have been considered the “churchy” crowd.

If you grew up in the Christian church, there’s a good chance your background is a lot like mine, especially if your denomination was very legalistic or controlling with what people could or couldn’t do. If you are now in the process of finally discovering the you that God created you to be, you are not alone. So am I.

You are invited to a free live event, on February 6th at 4PM Eastern, hosted by Quoir Academy. Bruce Pagano is a therapist who specializes in religious trauma. At this live webinar, Who Am I? Discovering Yourself After Toxic Religion, Bruce will be equipping us with tools for rediscovering yourself, discussing emotional healing, and boundaries. This event is free, but you must register to attend. If you are busy at the time of the live airing, register anyways because you will receive an email with the replay link to watch at your convenience.

This webinar will be an amazing resource for those of us who are only now discovering who we are, after being raised in a high control religion environment.

The year is 2010. The place is Longview, TX. We lived in a house that was drafty, old, and a real landlord’s special (IYKYK). The kitchen and bathrooms were linoleum, and the paint jobs on the walls were sloppy. But it was our home, and things could always be worse. In fact I’ve personally lived in much worse, once upon a time.

I’ve always been really good at making the best out of a bad situation. I’m the one friends called when they wanted someone to help them look on the bright side. But even I could admit that our situation was shitty. And the shitty-ness just unfolded and multiplied as the days went on.

We had moved there to take a new position as youth pastors. I found out I was pregnant shortly after we moved there, and when I was 8 months pregnant, the senior pastor scheduled a meeting with us and fired us in front of our 3 year old and 18 month old. Ultimately we got fired as a result of me calling the senior pastor’s wife out for being racist in a staff meeting. So there we were, 8 months pregnant, in a drafty house that we now can’t even afford the rent for, in a town where we have no family (and now no friends, because church folk are very good at bailing on you when you stop attending their church). My husband scrambled to get a job, but it didn’t pay enough and they wouldn’t consistently give him enough hours to support our family. One day on his way home from work, our vehicle hydroplaned and he wrecked, which totaled our car. We only had liability insurance, and no one was at fault for the wreck, so we suddenly had no vehicle.

I remember telling him that I needed to go for a walk, and walking into the woods, sitting down beside a tree and just bawling my eyes out. I was so angry that God seemed to call us to this town, to this job, and into this situation, but now here we were high and dry. Why wasn’t God protecting us and providing for us?! That was the frustrated prayer that my heart screamed into those woods that day.

Honestly at that point all I could think about was how much it sucked to be a grown up. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I wanted to give up.

Shortly after this, we had to apply for food stamps, or EBT as it’s called now. I remember the days leading up to us getting approved for them. Food was something that I was being careful about, because we didn’t have enough to buy more until they issued us the EBT card. I went to a church at one point and stood in line to receive a box of food. I felt so humiliated, and then when I got home I cried as I unloaded the food because I still didn’t have what I needed to make a meal out of it. They gave me hamburger helper, but I had no milk or meat. They gave us bread, but I had no mayo, sliced cheese, or lunch meat. They gave us cereal, but again, I had no milk. We did finally get approved for food stamps, and I got us set up on WIC, which was such a blessing.

I remember one day, shortly after I was finally able to buy groceries, I had been praying, writing in my prayer journal, and trying to create space for God to speak to me. It’s funny how much more clearly you can think when you have food in your belly finally. And that morning I was reading the Bible - Matthew 25:14-30 to be exact - the parable of the sower.

**go take a moment to read/reread that chapter if you need to**

The gist of this parable is that the master is going away for a long journey, so he entrusts his servants with his property. He gives each of the three servants some money, in accordance with their performance and abilities. Servant one takes his allotment of money, invests it into something, and earns back double what he was given. Servant two was not given as much money, but he also invests and doubles what he was given. The third servant was afraid, so he buried the money so that nothing would happen to it. When the master returned, he scolded the servant who buried the money, and the two who invested were rewarded.

On that particular day, in the unpleasant situation that we were in at that time, the Holy Spirit spoke to me through that parable. It motivated me and inspired me to behave differently in our situation, which was admittedly pretty bad. I felt in my spirit that in this situation, we were looking for a way out, when we needed to look around us at what we already had… We needed to do what we could with what we already had. We had allowed despair to make us feel like we were defeated, but we still had cards to play.

With the fresh encouragement that that realization brought me, I used our much appreciated EBT to plan my son’s birthday party. We had found a new church to attend, as difficult as that had been, and I invited some of our new friends. I baked my baby a cake, and made plenty of yummy food. I cleaned our drafty old house from floor to ceiling, and I did my very best at making it look and feel like a cozy home. He had a wonderful birthday.

We also decided to put together a resume, dust ourselves off, and apply for some positions as youth pastors. This was, after all, what we knew God had called us to do. We received a call quickly, asking us to come for an interview at a church in Louisiana. By then, we’d been able to scrounge up enough money to buy my Nanny’s old Buick. She may not have been flashy, but she was a reliable vehicle, and that sure was better than NO vehicle. We drove out to Louisiana, and definitely felt like this position would be a great fit. We were hired, and the church planned to pay for our move (which was a good thing, considering we were flat broke). We were given a parsonage to live in as part of our pay. It was quaint but it was so cozy and clean. When we moved there, about a dozen people from the church met the u-haul as we pulled in. They helped us unload our meager belongings, and immediately some of the ladies started hanging curtains, asking me where to hang pictures, and making up beds for the kids. They put together Lexi’s crib, and set up our whole house that afternoon. After months of feeling alone and abandoned, it felt like a breath of fresh air to be surrounded with so much help and support. That night an elderly lady brought us a casserole for dinner, and when I went to the fridge I found that someone had stocked it for us. I was overwhelmed with gratitude.

To this day, this is a principle I apply to my life. When I feel stuck, and disappointed - frustrated because of the problems or setbacks that we’re facing - I look around and think

“how can I better use the tools that I already have”
“how can I do what I can with what I have in order to get us through this difficulty”
“what blessings am I already surrounded by that I can give thanks for”
”where can I find contentment right now with what I already have”

I’m not saying this is a magic formula to manipulate God. I think that there has been some circles of Christianity who have misused this principle to say that if we will do XYZ, then God will do ABC. They make it into a formula that leads people to think they’ll never go through suffering, trials, or that life will never suck. I disagree with that application. But I do believe that when we take on this mindset of looking around our lives to see what we can do with what we already have, it changes our perspective. And then that perspective shift allows us to see things more clearly. The perspective shift from “this sucks and I wish my life didn’t suck so bad”, to “this sucks, so what can I do with the resources already available to me to better my situation”, opens our minds to potential solutions we would have previously been closed off to. Also, I’ve noticed that it makes me more sensitive to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Solutions I had never even considered seem to pop up from nowhere once I’m in the right headspace to listen.

If you’re stuck in a shitty situation for you, this is my advice to you (based on having been there multiple times). Assess your life. Make a list of the shittiest stuff that is most unbearable to you. Then use each of those items on the list to make sub-lists. What are realistic things you can do, with what you already have, to improve those individual situations. If your house has major problems and needs renovations, but you’re flat broke, don’t put “hire contractors to come in and paint the whole house”… Maybe more realistically you put “buy one bucket of paint, and paint the living room myself this weekend”. Maybe a bucket of paint is a reach for you. Maybe you put “go to the Dollar Tree and buy cleanser, then scrub the crap out of the living room baseboards this weekend”. The whole point of this is to stop pining after what you don’t have, and do what you can with what you have. Next, get started. Enlist help, if you can. Ask a friend to come help you. My kids were very young during this time, but now they’re teenagers. If I were to do this now, I would assign them jobs as well. Lastly, make a list of your abilities and current resources. For me, if you’ll recall, my EBT card to buy food, and my time were my main/only resources. With the food I bought from food stamps and WIC, and my own efforts, I made my son’s birthday party memorable. That’s him with the guitar at his birthday party in the photo gallery by the way.

Here’s your simplified to do list:

1. Make a list of the crappiest problems/situations in your life. Stick to just 3 things at a time so this doesn’t get too overwhelming.

2. Now take each of those things, and create sub-lists. Under each of those 3 things, list things that would improve that problem, but only using resources you already have. BE REALISTIC. NO WISHFUL THINKING.

3. Make a list of your current resources. Do you only have only $10 to spare? Write that down. Do you have no money, but you are the stay at home parent so you have time? Write that down.

4. Get busy. Take action! Enlist help if you can!

I hope and pray this blesses your life and encourages you in some way.

Many of us Christians have our little church worlds, with our Christian friends, our Christian lingo, and whatever doctrines that our specific faith/denomination adheres to. Sometimes, that doctrine is literally all someone is exposed to on a regular basis. Many believers simply do not hear perspectives or interpretations of scripture that contradict the doctrines they profess.

One time I when I was at a department store, smelling colognes & perfumes with my spouse, he showed me something cool. When you’re smelling multiple different colognes, after one or two you start to not be able to differentiate which cologne you’re smelling. It all starts to kind of smell the same. However, if you’ll sniff coffee beans in between, it cleanses your palate, so that you are able to smell the next cologne! It’s pretty cool!

The coffee beans cleanse your palate, which brings clarity so that you can smell the next cologne, untainted by the last one.

Ok bear with me for a second. I promise I’ll land the plane very soon & you’ll be glad you kept reading.

When my kiddos were little, they wore diapers. I know, shocker. Well my wild and chaotic middle child LOVED to steal her baby sister’s diapers when I was changing her over to a clean one. While I was busy putting the fresh diaper on, older sister would steal the stinky one and run away to hide it. She did this often. Well I had been home all day with little kiddos, and my spouse came home from work. He eventually asked me “What is that awful smell in here?” I honestly didn’t know, and I told him that I didn’t even smell anything bad. Since he was home, I left (ALONNNNNE, which is glorious after a home alone with hooligans) to go buy groceries. When I came back home, the smell hit me in the face! I knew right away that my middle stinker had stashed away a real stinker of a diaper somewhere that I must have missed. Sure enough she did!

Have you ever heard of the term nose deaf? I recently learned that official name for that is anosmia, and there are ranges of severity but you can be temporarily nose deaf by being cooped up with a bad smell for a prolonged amount of time. So when I came back home from buying groceries, I could smell it for what it TRULY was, not just what I had become accustomed to.

Many of us are so indoctrinated in our set of pet doctrines, or even just the culture of our particular denomination, group of like-minded believers, etc. that we don’t even see some of the stinky diapers that are very much noticeable to someone who isn’t accustomed to it. Like we just walk right by it everyday and it’s like it was always there because we’re used to it it feels normal. & everyone else there is indoctrinated too so it doesn’t seem out of place to them either. So if an outsider comes along and says “Hey guys I’m smelling something bad”, it’s easy to dismiss them as a heretic, false prophet, or a wolf.

I’m not here to tell you what ”stinky diapers” might be sitting around in your belief system. I don’t have it all figured out either.

But many of us grew up believing a set of doctrines, and when you grow up believing something, that no one around you ever contradicts or challenges you to consider differently… We will oftentimes miss out on God’s attempts to renew our minds, or change the way we think on something.

Personally, during the lock down for Covid, I stayed home and Holy Spirit ministered to me deeply in solitude. It was painful, and so very healing for me. When I returned to church, I could FEEL things when they were off, like people pleasing, manipulation, striving to impress others, and there was this other thing that is super hard to describe but it is PREVALENT in prophetic type of churches (I personally have a Pentecostal background and still hold to some of those doctines/beliefs). Even though it is hard to explain it was the number one thing that Holy Spirit showed me that I had fallen trap to. It’s this desire to be admired and affirmed by others, beyond what is healthy. It is almost like a longing for recognition, a longing to be a part of the “in-group” at church, and a desire for others to see my gifts and talents. I’m telling you, it was deep deep deeply rooted in my heart, and I had no idea because I was nose deaf to it. It had led to this performance type of exercising of my own gifts. I’m repulsed by it now, but I wonder how long it would have taken me to become aware of it without the palate cleanse that I desperately needed (even though I didn’t know it or want it).

Right now your wheels might be turning, as you consider whether or not there might be some stinky diaper mindsets, doctrines, or ideas that have been sitting around without you realizing it. You also might be wondering what in the world a palate cleanse might look like for you. May your journey of palate cleansing be blessed.

I am she. She is me. I am this friend. Or at least I was, and I’ve been working to heal from some of my insecurities and childhood wounds.

I feel like this should go without saying, but this is not the case for everyone. I just want to share about my own issues I uncovered, in hopes that it helps you not take that friend’s behavior personally, or if you ARE that friend, maybe I can help you out.

It took me years to unpack this in therapy, and my current counseling goals are to stop doing this, by doing a deep dive into reprograming the negative stories I tell myself.

In one of Brene Brown’s books, she talks about this concept of “the stories we tell ourselves”. I think she explained a scenario where her husband seemed aloof, and in her mind she started telling herself a story. This “story” was comprised of assumed truths, based off of her husband’s behavior and her own insecurities. If I remember correctly, she spoke up and said something like “Hey, because of how you’re acting, I can’t help but think you don’t want me anymore.” This gave him the opportunity to speak up and be like, “No actually that’s not at all how I’m feeling”, as well as explain what was actually going on with him.

We perceive what’s going on around us, and we interpret it through lenses that can distort what’s actually true. These lenses can be childhood wounds, a bad mood, trauma, or just a misunderstanding because we process things differently than others. Here’s an example: Let’s say I saw a friend at the grocery store. I smiled and was about to wave when she just walked right by me. I feel insulted, and think that she intentionally ignored me. I come to the conclusion that she is mad at me, and just gave me the snub. When in reality, she is distracted and zoned out. She didn’t notice me at all, and didn’t even know that I had smiled.

For most of my adult life, I’ve had no friends, and many friends. I’m friends with many people, but I don’t let these friendships grow deep. I didn’t realize it for a long time, but I keep people at arms length, even when I genuinely like them and love being around them. That has been it’s own box full of baggage that I’ve had to unpack, but I realized that one huge factor was the fact that I ghost my friends. I don’t reach out to them, even when I want to.

Here’s why:

1. I don’t want to bother them

2. I don’t want to inconvenience anyone

3. I get embarrassed about feeling upset, or when I’m having problems in my life

4. I assume they are annoyed by me

5. I assume that I’m pestering them, and that they don’t want to be around me

Now let’s talk about WHY I would make these assumptions. I had to do a lot of deep digging to get to the bottom of where these lies came from. How did I start telling myself these stories?

“Don’t bother her. She doesn’t want to hear about dumb stuff like this. These aren’t even real problems compared to what she’s been through. She’s going to think you’re stupid. Last time we hung out, she left early. It was probably because you’re annoying and she’d finally had enough. I should wait a couple of weeks before I ask her to hang out again so she doesn’t see me as needy. And then when we hang out, I have to make sure to get myself in a good mood, be happy, be funny, and make it worthwhile for her to want to be around me.”

This is a very realistic internal dialogue that I would have had at some point. I used to talk myself out of reaching out to my friends. I told myself stories that aren’t true. I did not realize these stores were not true though, because of childhood wounds. I was a weird, ADHD tomboy who grew up in a world that wasn’t always kind to her. I got on people’s nerves, and stressed adults out. I made weird noises and talked incessantly. I have many memories of being told that I was annoying, that I was driving them crazy, and they needed me to stop talking. These people were adults that I was looking up to, and it hurt me. I’m sure they were doing their best, and they just didn’t know how to deal with me, but it hurt.

I internalized all of that.

Without realizing it, these experiences made up my belief system. It’s not exactly easy to identify this, let alone change it. But I worked really hard to point out all of these lies to myself, and reframe them with the truth.

In fact, here are a few of my daily declarations that I still tell myself daily:

• My friends enjoy being around me

• I am not a burden

• I am a blessing

• I add goodness and joy to my friends’ lives

I had to reprogram those lies out of my belief system, so that I could see myself as I actually am: a good friend, who loves deeply, is loyal, and who is fun to be around.

As a result, a shift began to take place. I stopped trying to earn my friends’ love. I stopped with thinking I had to be “fun” enough for them to want to hang out with me. I stopped shutting them out whenever I felt sad, and I began being honest with them about what I’m going through in my life. I reach out to them with a text when I need prayer or just need a friend. I send them funny videos on Insta, and keep in touch with them because I know that they are happy to hear from me, not annoyed.

I began working with my therapist to create goals where I intentionally initiate a hangout with my friend, or I plan an event for us to go to together. I used to wait for other people to barge into my life, because I believed that being my friend was a burden. Now that I realize that those were lies conceived by my childhood wounds and trauma, I am able to reframe with the truth.