And that’s what I’ve discovered about my writing process: in the absence of time, I’ve slacked in my writing. Writing is therefore, a privilege, provided by this time. And even though I have had “time” after my job and in between the moments of my social life, I’ve chosen to use that time doomscrolling (so I cannot feel), working out (so I don’t go crazy), and sleeping (because I lack it).

But somewhere in mid-July I had about two days of peace that was brought on by a leak in my bedroom ceiling. Which is kind of ironic, because when I was going through the leak, the last thing I felt was peace. In fact, my thoughts were more along the line of “why is this happening to me” and “oh no everything is going wrong.”

In that shitstorm however, I had the sudden urge to write it all down. The thoughts, the rage, the emotions were quite literally spilling out of my finger tips and onto the nearest word-documentation platform because if it stayed within me I would’ve literally exploded.

So I wrote it all down, and it turned into these two measly journal entries you’re about to read. I wanted to turn it into a week of journaling, to really document my state of mind over the course of a few days, but it just didn’t happen. Work got in the way, and my body failed me, now I can’t even remember what happened after the leak. All I know is that I was absolutely fuming and on edge all week.

But hopefully you’ll take something from this reading, even going back over it days later, I’ve learned something from my own writing. Also I hope it doesn’t suck, and I promise the next post will be more entertaining or at least aesthetically pleasing.

Monday, July 13 : my apartment

8:30am: There’s a leak in my apartment. A LEAK. Yesterday I just woke up and it was there, looming over me in my bedroom, like some kind of cruel wake-up call… Okay—that’s a bit dramatic. It’s not like my ceiling was threatening to collapse in on me, but the large bubble of water behind the paint was a bit terrifying to look at.

So I freaked out, as any fresh adult would, and texted my parents. “That’s serious.” My dad said. “Make sure to let your upstairs neighbor know—” My mom said. And I know. I know all those things in theory. In fact, I think I knew what to do this entire time. But that didn’t stop me from freaking out about it.

So, I let my landlord know, and thank god he actually answered. He doesn’t have the best track record, if I’m being honest—he did leave my $900 gas bill unsolved for over five months—but this time he was on it. Thank god.

And as I’m writing this, the repair guy (nicest man in the world), has just finished fixing up the leak. From my understanding, it wasn’t actually a problem with the pipes, but the upstairs shower didn’t have any caulking on it, so it was just leaking down into my bedroom ceiling. So all he did was change the shower, close up the gaps, and re-plaster my wall. What a legend, he finished everything in less than two hours.

Crisis averted.

12:35pm: Some thoughts while I’m on the train to work—I think I may be chronically unhappy, or unsatisfied. Those aren’t the same thing. But while I was talking to my mom last night she said, “Now you just need a job where you can sit all day.” And my instantaneous response was, “Well, I don’t see myself liking that either.” Talk about negative Nancy. I don’t know why I responded that way, I knew I was upset, but there was no need to be a spoiled brat.

“No job is perfect.” She replied. And I know she’s right, but I resent that. Maybe it’s stupid, but there has to be a right job out there for me. Maybe not a perfect one, but one that won’t give me hip pain from standing all day, or make me depressed and hypertensive from sitting for eight hours straight. The thought of either of those things is terrifying. Yes, I’m terrified of going to work.

But I am also angry. I’m so angry—what a great way to start off this week. And I think that’s just the emotion my luteal phase has chosen to adopt this month, but everything pisses me the f*ck off. And yet, it’s not the hormones, because this rage is a primordial entity that has been living in my bones since I was five years old. I am chronically unsatisfied, and it is so frustrating. I hunger for more than I have constantly, it’s apparent in my ambition, my taste in fashion, and my desire to travel the world. I want more, I want it all, my life purpose seems to be the perpetual search for something greater. I refuse to settle, and have only recently started imagining my life past the age of 45, when my body begins to slow, and my mind starts to fail me (this was partially brought up by the hip pain).

Maybe that’s why I constantly feel exhausted, it’s the pressure I put on myself to create a better world for me, for the people I think rely on me. But hopefully this is just a passing train thought.

Tuesday, July 14 : my apartment (again)

9:52pm: My body hurts. More than it probably should as a 23-year-old. But in these last few months, I’ve developed a bit of a click in my hip—makes sense because of all the standing I’ve been doing at work). I’ve diagnosed myself (which is never good) as having a mild case of “snapping hip syndrome” or otherwise known as “dancer’s hip.” So my hip snaps, and it pops, and it’s been experiencing a lot of tightness which has become really annoying.

But today, it the cute little “dancer’s hip” syndrome feels like it’s spread all over my body. Everything hurts. And I feel like a grumpy old lady because this mild pain is genuinely ruining my day. I can’t sleep as well, I can’t do pilates as well, and whenever sit, it feels like I’m still standing. And I know EXACTLY the reason why. It’s work! And I can’t do anything about it because I kinda need my job to live, but oh my god, this fucking sucks.

So as I sit here, wallowing in my misery, I apply for jobs in the hopes of something better. But because I studied the humanities (which I love), entry-level jobs are a joke. All of them. I’d probably have to leave my minimum-wage-ish job for something that’s a couple cents less, but requires way more brain power, but hey, at least I’ll actually get to use my brain at work. Trade-offs, right?

If only I did a real internship in college, maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation.

And now I’ve just spilled bright, green matcha-flavored-oats on my white t-shirt. Brilliant. It made me lose my train of thought as well, which is all the more hilarious.

And that’s really it! LMAO. I wanted to put in pictures and have some kind of though-provoking call to action to really make this a good post, but it just never came. Although I did want to write today, and I think doing the beginning and end of this post will be enough for me. But I’ve missed you guys, I miss writing. There’s so much I want to say but so much more I have to do in the real world, so I’m a bit lost. But I guess that’s not new for this little blog of mine.

I’ll write a life update hopefully soon, but here’s the TLDR: I’m going on a DATE tonight ARGHHH- I’m not excited. I’m very anxious, even though it’s a first “date” that’s really just casual drinks… I think. It’s not clear. But before that, I’m also meeting up with some new friends I made at a meet-up for girls in NYC. Very surreal, but I feel like I’m finally adulting just a bit. I’m also very low on money all the time, but hopefully that will change this month. I’m itching, literally in DESPERATE NEED of a new job, I don’t hate my current one, but it’s slowly chipping away at my will to live every day. Life in NY in your 20s everyone.

So thanks for sticking around, I can’t wait to talk to you all again soon, and I really hope it’s very soon, I think my lack of regular writing just shows how much I lack a schedule. I hope to change that, I really do. Ttyl and thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Amelia.

I’ve realized recently that I really did love him. You know who. Although I can’t say for certain if he really loved me. Because what he did is not something you do to someone you love. But I digress…

After it all ended, I struggled to know what it was all for, whether the risk was worth it. This concept of “risk” is hammered in repeatedly in Celine Song’s 2025 romcom, The Materialists. In it, Dakota Johnson’s character, Lucy—a matchmaker for the elite of New York City—is constantly aware that she is a stockbroker for her clients’ investments of time, effort, and of course, literal money. And it weighs on her, we see right from the beginning how soulless it can be.

Which is why in the end [spoiler] she goes back to the one person who sees her soul, or at least, that’s how it’s shown in the film. For Lucy, the risks of time and money didn’t matter, because with starving-actor John, conveniently played by Chris Evans, she felt seen, safe, and loved.

SIDEBAR: I will say, Pedro Pascal’s character, the rich, suave, businessman Harry also had a chance in my eyes. A good one. Maybe that’s because Pascal can smooth talk a wall, but I’d like to think it’s because he saw her as an equal. He respected her, and her profession, and understood her worldviews like they were his own (because to an extent they were). Harry saw her for more than her “assets”, frankly it seemed he could care less about them.

But maybe he idealized her point of view too much in a way that turned her into a “not like other girls” girl. He liked that she was unlike other women in his social circle, he wanted her because of it. But, Lucy didn’t feel the same. To her she felt like he was “too good” for her, like she was punching above her weight. And most importantly, she claimed not to feel love for him, so I’ll believe her. BUT if you ask me, she couldn’t get past her belief he was too good for her. Additionally, Lucy should have given him more of a chance, more time (AKA dated him longer), which is something we never got in this movie.

Basically, more Pedro screen time. But, again, I digress.

“Love’s never lost, when perspective is earned…” - Taylor Swift (2024)

Our three leads seem to know this inherently. For John, it was when Lucy first left him; for Harry, it was when [spoiler] Lucy also left him; but what about Lucy? For our protagonist, her developing this “perspective” is clearly a driving force of the movie.

Because what is the point of money, energy, and effort when the indescribable sensation of love is at play? For Lucy, those things were not necessarily meaningless, in fact she clearly states her intention to settle into stability in her next relationship. However, these “assets” cannot guarantee a lifetime of happiness. But then again, neither can love alone. We see this with John and Lucy’s first go-around: a five-year relationship which ended because he was broke and she resented him, not even love could save them.

But with John and Lucy’s rekindling, director Celine Song seems to imply that love is the more worthy investment; that a relationship built on a foundation of love, commitment, and dedication towards the self, for the sake of the partnership, has a better chance of bouncing back from life’s hardships. At least, that was my takeaway.

This is why Lucy questions Harry’s desire to pursue her. Lucy knows some of her “assets” (attractiveness, fertility window, blah blah, blah) have faded, and in her eyes, there isn’t enough to build a foundation on. Especially since she didn’t love him. But Harry didn’t care, he was infatuated with her, he values something in her that Lucy, and the audience, aren’t aware of.

I say this because it’s not made clear? To me at least. Other than the fact that Lucy is a beautiful, highly accomplished, smart woman, it seems like Harry wants her for something more? Or maybe Pedro Pascal is once again, just that charming. But I believe the takeaway of Harry’s desire for Lucy is that he was in fact, idealizing her. But maybe it’s just the way the movie was cut, or because I have a clear bias towards Pedro Pascal, but to me, it seemed like Harry was interested in Lucy;s candor, her perspective, her mind. And *swoon* what woman doesn’t want that? I truly believe they could’ve grown to love each other if they had just dated more.

And if the equally, devastatingly handsome and pining Chris Evans John wasn’t around.

But no shade to anyone. Lucy had two great choices before her (I’m jealous). And she chose love, in spite of it all.

Where Song seems to fall short on her “love conquors all” agenda is… that it doesn’t. Not always. And I think she knows that with John and Lucy’s breakup… partially. If you ask me (and if you’re reading this, you basically asked), I agree with Song when it comes to love being the better investment for the foundation of your relationship. But I also think that love, without work, is a bit… meaningless?

Because, yes, love should come easy when you connect with a person, when they respect and are committed to you. But when it’s tested by all of life’s ups and downs… that’s when you know love is real.

And I believe that’s the problem a lot of people have with Celine Song’s supposed “broke boy propaganda”, John doesn’t seem to go through much growth in the time he’s been broken up with Lucy. I mean, we quite literally see him living in the same apartment he had while first dating her.

But, to be fair, it doesn’t feel like a lot of emotional growth happens to anyone in the movie — IN MY OPINION!!! Lucy doesn’t grapple that much with the choice between Harry and John. And although John is disappointed in Lucy’s choice to break up with him, he quickly accepts it. They all just seem so nonchalant throughout the whole thing…

Actually, [spoiler and TW] the most emotion we see Dakota Johnson give is with the sexual assault subplot that happens with her client. I don’t think I understand how that ties in yet, but I thought it should have been explored more...

But John always knew he loved Lucy. He admits losing her was one of the biggest mistakes he ever made! But does he do anything to get her back? I mean… kinda? Does he change anything to make himself a better partner? Not really! Or at least, not that we can see. He’s there for her as a friend, throughout the ups and downs of her relationship with Harry… but he’s also very visibly jealous the whole time!! I dunno… comment if you feel differently.

And also- this is not a call for John to give up his dream of acting in order to get the girl, but I would’ve liked to see him put a better fight against Harry. Unfair as the fight might’ve been. (Like c’mon dude, buy her coffee, walk her to work, DO SOMETHING). But maybe it’s because John is just as blasé as Lucy. He’s resigned to longing, and watching her from the sidelines. BUT THIS IS A ROM-COM, and nothing was romantic or funny about any of that. It was just sad! Watching him made me sad. AND THEN when Lucy finally decides to reciprocate her love for John, only then does he promise to change.

Boy, if you wanted that love, HER love, in the first place, and you thought you had the slightest chance to be with her, then you should’ve done everything to take it.

And Lucy does give John chances, even while she’s with Harry. Like when they see John’s show? I think the invitation to be a part of Lucy’s life after a long breakup was the first sign John should’ve interpreted as her being partial to him again. This is also why I don’t believe in the villainizing of Harry’s rich-guy romantic gestures (expensive dates, keys to the penthouse, etc). In this scenario, though they were grand, those gestures did not seem to dominate anything John could’ve done. Because Lucy always saw John as having skin in the game.

I know I’m getting really carried away with this analysis, but this movie made me feel a lot of different ways on my flight back from Ireland. Because even though I’ve only been in one measly relationship, I’ve known love. Not in the same way Lucy has, but I’ve chosen love in spite of the things life had to throw at me… and I ended up in fucking therapy!

And even though I was technically in therapy already, now I’ve got new issues to unpack: guilt, resentment, and a general broken heart (and avoidant attachment). Once again, in no world are Lucy and I similar in any way—I have no rich millionaire in the shape of Pedro Pascal pining over me unfortunately—but what I am saying is, I have known what it is to accept love when there was little growth. It hurts, it’s not sustainable. Because you fill the gaps that should be filled by another person growing with you, and that’s just not fair.

I’m realizing now that my analysis requires a lot of speculating about the lives of these characters, but that just means there was a lot left to be desired by this film. It’s a beautifully shot movie with an important message, but the conclusion is just not satisfying (or believable to many) if we don’t see or feel the characters doing the work to move us.

So what I’ve learned from watching this movie, and writing this post, is that love should feel easy to fall into, but without the work it takes to keep it, love can become meaningless, and can easily be overruled by handsome millionaires that look like Pedro Pascal. Which feels like an over-used joke at this point, but it’s true. Many people settle into relationships that lack love, just because the assets are good. And that’s because love is hard to keep, it takes internal and external work on yourself, and not many are willing to put in that effort.

I don’t think being with someone because of their good assets is conducive towards a happy and fulfilling life. Women, especially “modern”, privileged women like Lucy, should absolutely hope for and demand love and stability. But at the same time, its irresponsible to think that just romantic love with conquer all, especially in this ✨economy✨. We should demand more from the people we partner with, at least, we should hold them to the same standards we give ourselves, especially we plan on spending the rest of our lives together.

But, at the same time, we should not be so cynical as to reduce love to quantifiable assets. Like, what kind of sick freak are you? Love is a feeling and if you feel strongly about someone, then you do what you can to keep them around.

Guys… sorry this post is three months late… but we are so back! Kinda. Tbh take a shot every time I promise to do more writing. But seriously, it’s good to be back on here again. I’ve missed this. And even though I’ve been good about posting notes, I haven’t been good about actually writing. And that’s quite literally what this platform is about. And this is not to say that I’ve had nothing to write about—quite the opposite, in fact. I’ve been writing and feeling so much its become a bit paralyzing. But no more, I refuse to be paralyzed. And I feel like I’m finally settled into my new city, and I’m gathering the strength to actually make it mine, to be myself and actually put action into the things I want to do. And what I want to do is write more, express myself. I’ve always wanted that. So, thanks for sticking around and reading this! I can’t wait to write more for you all soon!

Sincerely,

Amelia ♥️

At this point, I cannot promise to write consistently anymore. I feel bad for even suggesting it because clearly… I’m terrible at keeping promises. At least when it comes to creative stuff. And I don’t even mean to write this post to create excuses for why I can’t keep up… but I hope, by reading this, you might take a peek into my brain and develop a better understanding of where I’m at right now.

As I’m scribbling this post in my notebook, it’s nearly 8pm on a Saturday in Brooklyn. It drizzled, but overall today was sunny, and 65 degrees approximately. It was busy at my job today because of the “good weather.” It’s good by New York standards, considering the Game of Thrones-esque winter we’ve just had. But I digress… because of my job, I hate being in downtown Manhattan on weekends. I feel more and more like a grumpy New Yorker with each passing day.

In fact, because of my job, my “weekends” now fall on a Wednesday (occasionally) and Thursday (always), it’s very odd—and I hardly see my friends in New Jersey because of it. Life is irregular, to say the least.

But if my life was “regular” then maybe I wouldn’t be writing this post at 8pm at a cafe in Brooklyn, tipsy off the free drinks my roommate made behind the bar for me. Don’t worry, I got a free bagel too. And there’s a mediocre jazz band playing, did I mention that?

I only bring up all these trivial details because I realize now, as I write this on paper, that my silly, irregular little life is exactly what I hoped for it to be all those years ago… so why am I still so fatigued? In the deepest pit of my soul, why do I still feel so… unsatisfied?

A couple days ago, I actually got an email from myself… from five years ago. Awhile back, I discovered this website called FutureMe—shout out to travel guru, Damon Dominique, who put me on—which allows you to send emails to yourself at certain dates in the future. I’ve gotten a few from myself in high school now, but this most recent one was from when I was just about to graduate, the summer before I started college.

What a weird time that was… when I think about it, that period is so different yet so similar to where I’m at right now. Perhaps the most obvious similarity was the fact I was on the precipice of a “major life change.” Five years ago, I was about to leave California and start my college life in New Jersey. Today, I’ve left my college life in New Jersey and started a new life in New York. (I shit myself thinking about how crazy it is every time HAHA).

What’s also pretty similar is the sense of anxiety I felt/feel at both stages of life. Yes, I am a clinically anxious person (who isn’t these days), but I think the reasons for said anxiety are the same: fear, loneliness, uncertainty. Yes, that’s the big one: uncertainty. I was plagued by it then, and I am still horribly down with it right now.

I remember so clearly thinking if I had chosen the “right” college, the “right” major, and now I think the same things but also am I in the “right” job? The “right” city? HECK, is my life even going in the “right” direction? Five years later and I still don’t fucking know!

And because of that, part of me feels like I’ve let 18-year-old Amelia down. She had so much hope for me, she was hoping that I would save her. Literally, the day I wrote said letter to myself was the same day I got rejected from Columbia University, my dream school. I was devastated. Today, idgaf really, but at the time, it felt like the world was ending. It seems like 18-year-old Amelia had heavily romanticized the university (and NYC) into thinking it was the only way to escape the prison that was her small town.

Maybe because it was far away, maybe because being a part of something so unattainable—the university had a 5% acceptance rate at the time—made me feel good about myself, but regardless, I wanted needed it bad. And I didn’t get it. In fact, I was rejected from 12 of the 15 universities I applied to during that cycle, and 18-year-old me was “heartbroken” to say the least. In short, the “me” of five years ago wrote to the “me” of today in desperation, pleading for me to make things better, to fix what she thought she fucked up so horrendously. For her, a person who tried so hard in school for it to amount to nearly nothing, this was rock-bottom.

“Are you happy?” The question alone breaks my heart, never mind the rest of the paragraph. Because 18-year-old Amelia was soooo not happy, and she hadn’t been for a very long time. And in her eyes, there was no way out of it…

Today, I recognize that the only way out was through. The things I went through back then would make me the stronger person I am today. As a result of all the change and heart break, I can look at my writing from five years ago and discern that I am genuinely in a better place, mentally and physically. But at the same time, there’s a part of me that feels the same, a part that stays consistent.

I think 18-year-old Amelia would be proud of me to an extent, but at our core there is a part of us that will always be hungry for more. What “more” actually is though, is something I haven’t yet identified, but I at least have some confidence in saying I’m on the track she wanted for us.

At the end of my letter to myself, I wrote a list of things I hoped to achieve by the time I was reading said letter. And to my surprise I achieved almost everything in some way, shape, or form…

The first five have pretty much been crossed off! Although I haven’t adopted a cat yet. However, my current roommate does have a cat whom I love very much, so I consider that a win. As for items 2-5, they’ve been done through and through, the obvious being me moving to New York City (it’s still so surreal).

As for the following points, I’m working on them actively. I’ve neglected the language learning a bit, but I did take both Spanish and French classes in college, and when I have a bit more money saved up, I 100% plan on strengthening my language skills with in-person classes again. Similarly for point 7, I’m working on saving up money to live by myself, but for now, I’ll enjoy living with someone who I enjoy being around 24/7.

Points 8 and 9 I can confidently say are in the works as well. I won’t speak too much on a career on the arts, because there is something in the works that I don’t want to jinx :) but I’m very excited about it. Likewise for 9, I just got back into going into the gym on a regular basis, but I also started doing Pilates. Doing a workout class is something I didn’t know I needed tbh. Being a new city by myself means I’m prone to isolation on the regular, so having a third-space to go to where I can just be around other people in a non-work capacity has been really good for me mentally. Plus I love being a student and learning something new, we know this.

Point 10 is something I’m still a bit lost with, I’ll admit. I was a good activist in college when I was a part of a student org and writing for my college paper, but it’s been hard to set aside time advocate and talk about the things I believe in. I think that is the nature of the “capitalist machine” (stick with me), you work yourself to death so that you have no time for any social awareness whatsoever, but I refuse to be like that. So, in connection with point 12 (“internet career”) I plan on making advocacy and activism a part of whatever platform I build. Please hold me to that.

Sidebar: point 11 makes me laugh so hard because I really did not want to go to college at the time I did. I tried to convince my parents to take a gap year to nurse my mental health, but they encouraged me to keep studying while my brain was malleable. They were 1000% right, and I’m so glad I went to college at the time I did. And if I hadn’t graduated last May, I don’t know where I’d be today…

And finally, point 12 is something you (might) all know I’ve been working on expeditiously. After I went through my shitty breakup last year (take a shot every time I mention it), I felt more directionless than a ship without a captain. Corny-ass metaphor, HOWEVER, it’s true. Last summer, my life felt so out of control, that I literally had nothing to lose when it came to posting.

In my head, going through that failed relationship was more embarrassing than any post on Tiktok could’ve been… so I started posting on Tiktok, HAHA. AND I had a couple bangers on here that got me some new subscribers. That whole period was literally me having a “come to Jesus” moment, because all that chaos really reminded me that life is too short to not do the things you want to do.

That is probably the sentiment that 18-year-old me would be most proud of: the mentality change. The willingness to try new ways of living and go for the things I’ve always wanted, without caring about what others think, has shifted everything for me. The day I woke up and just decided I could realistically do whatever I wanted was the day I set myself onto the path I had been dreaming about this whole time.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. It’s a weird place to be, and I hope you’ll forgive me for yapping about it in a way that might not make sense. This is probably the post that felt the most “stream of consciousness” like, but I literally don’t know how else to structure this. In fact, this post took three separate attempts to write, and I’ve (regrettably) been holding onto it for the last two weeks. I fear the guilt of not posting, coupled with some writers block, AND of course my job, really prevented this post from going live. And even as I finish this up, I still don’t want to post this. It just doesn’t feel very good. But I know that if I just post something, I can hopefully get back into the rhythm of writing again.

So thanks for being here, you know I always appreciate those who actually read these posts. Once again, I cannot promise to write on a more consistent basis, but what I can promise is that I will try. Because I want to try, I want to put myself out there and get better at writing. So if you plan on sticking around, I hope you get something from this little journey I’m on.

Thanks :)

Sincerely,

Amelia ♥️

It is currently 5:15 AM on February 22 2026, and I am verbally dictating this Substack post to my Notes app because I just got back from the East Village bars, and I am too exhausted to write anything. I had dinner with my closest friends approximately 12 hours ago, and I’ve been out since then. It’s madness. I’ve never been more exhausted in my life, on all fronts. My toes ache from the heeled boots I thrifted, that are a size too small. My lungs hurt from all the cigarettes I smoked to try to stay buzzed (sorry mom and dad). And my brain is melted from all the chatting and scream-singing I was doing at the karaoke bar from a few hours back. I can’t believe I’m still awake, that I’m not passed out on my hard couch, with my TJ Maxx birthday dress still on, and my makeup lazily scrubbed off. Clearly I’ve learned some responsibility and endurance by 23.

Genuinely, I don’t know how I thought I would even wake up tomorrow to try and write something. Because I feel a little bit insane right now. I think this is mania, yeah, that must be it. I’m manic right now, and all the feelings I have about turning another year older are starting to settle in during the earliest hours of the 23rd year of my life.

I don’t know how I do it, to be honest. I’m not in college anymore. I literally have no good reason to be out this late especially when I work tomorrow (work would be cancelled because of the snow storm). I know it’s my birthday, but I don’t love being outside that much, do I? Maybe I do. It was a good night, but towards the end I felt a little bit out of body, like everyone was drunker than I was. Yeah I was having fun, but I don’t know if I was having as much fun as they were. And as the night went on, and my girls started leaving, and I was left with friends of my remaining friends, and my feet started to ache, and my buzz started to wear off, I just felt… too present. Too aware, I think. Or maybe I was just tired.

I realized, while I was at that last dive bar, across from one of my favorite places that was still doing a cover charge at 3am, that I have a lot of complicated feelings on turning 23. The optimism that I had for my 22nd year failed to show up to the party tonight. When people kept asking me how I felt about turning 23 (because I got asked that a lot) I just kept saying it felt like any other day.

I don’t know what they were expecting me to say I think they thought I would be more excited. I was definitely happy, but it was more for the presence of my friend group, which actually had a complete attendance tonight. My friend Isaac specifically kept asking me to rate how my night was going, and I just kept saying it was “good” or “like an 8 out of 10”, which is great.

But maybe my answers were a little forced. I was genuinely happy tonight, and I felt especially grateful that all my favorite people were able to come out for my birthday, especially since it required a lot of traveling for them. But for some horrid reason, and maybe this is because of something else going on in my brain hormonally, I just felt a little bit of apathy.

I can’t explain it. I just I don’t know. I have a lot of great, exciting things in my life right now. However, I think it’s all to do with the violent amount of change I went through in my 22nd year. A lot of said change I’m still grieving, still processing in and out of therapy. It feels like everybody is more excited for me than I am. And I am just here, living.

Not many people get the same clean slate I currently have in my life. Not everyones endings and personal life changes perfectly coincide with their personal new year, or even the Lunar New Year (I’m a superstitious Pisces). And yet, where there should be excitement and optimism, I can only find anticipation. It’s hard to celebrate being alive when you’re scared about the next thing that’s going to throw a curve-ball at your life.

When I reflect on my 22nd year, I resonated deeply with the concept of the “year of the snake.” I lost a lot of dead weight in 2025 (and chronicled much of it on Substack). Lots of things came to an end, graduating university was just the big tip of the even bigger iceberg. So much was lost, and I had to adapt because of it. Over and over, and over, and over…

When I think of myself this time last year, I can only feel a bit envious of how much she doesn’t know. Life seemed so simple only a year ago. I was so sure of who loved me, and who I wanted to be, and where I wanted to go. Even though I had no idea what the future held I still had hope, I still felt that I had direction. I feel a bit less now.

I’m not trying to be sad on my 23rd birthday, if anything the heavy amount of gratitude I have right now could bring me to happy tears. But I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t feel all those other unsavory things too. I’m so terrified of being 23. This year where life feels a bit too serious now. 22 still felt like college, like a coming of age. 23 just feels like age has come. Yes, I know I’m lucky to be alive and that aging is a privilege—and also that I’m very loved—but oh my god, I am also responsible for my own fate and destiny, and nothing about the future is certain, and the economy is in a recession and-

And clearly the positive energy and fruity cocktails I had tonight could not overpower the existential dread I feel. This is why we have therapy. (And I cringe at myself while proofreading all this, I’m overdramatic. It’s humbling.)

BUT! In order to not dwell on the apathy that I feel, I’m going to write some birthday wishes. I kind of forgot to think of some while I was blowing out my candles this year, so I need to start wishing asap! Also, I did this “wish-list” last year and a lot of things actually came true. Substack is pretty good for manifesting, who would’ve thought?

This year, my hopes and dreams only feel bigger and a little bit out of reach. So I hope writing about them will make them feel more tangible.

So without further ado, here are some things I hope to achieve in my 23rd year:

1. I want to enjoy living in New York City. This is all I’ve ever wanted for so long, and now I finally have it. Yet, I still feel like I can’t grasp just how to make living here feel like actually living (not surviving). I’m scared to be here in this big city all by myself, even though I know a decent amount of people, I’m just afraid to integrate myself here. It’s awkward and I feel unwelcome, and honestly like I’m lacking in swag. People here just feel too cool. But I don’t wanna feel like that, I wanna be able to relish in the fruits of my labor and my ambition, I want the city to feel like it’s mine. Like I have a home here, like I could (potentially) be here forever (I’ve never felt like that about a place before). I want to have a strong community here, I wanna feel like I belong. I want to feel in tune with the city’s rhythms and have it bring out the best in me. I’m not from New York City, and I’ve only lived here about a month (crazy) but I love it with every fiber of my being already. I just want it to feel like the city loves me back.

2. I need a job a real one with a salary. When I made this point last year, I said I needed a “big girl job” and that only resulted in me quitting my waitressing job to move to another slightly better than minimum wage job in the city. Which is definitely an upgrade, and I definitely feel like a big girl. But it’s not sustainable.. And I already know that it’s not really in the field I want, even if being at the gateway to the fashion industry is very cool. So I need to keep it moving, I can’t be complacent in the role I have now. I need a job that actually feels like a step in the right direction, not just “another thing” I’m doing in order to survive. Especially with the dreams I have I need more. Something more intellectually-stimulating that might leave me a little exhausted, but happy, and proud. I want to pursue a career in politics, diplomacy specifically. But I’m in no rush to get there. Even if I just end up in a job that allows me to travel, work with other cultures, and help people without being part of some political entity, I’d be happy doing that. As long as I can (A) travel and (B) pursue my creative passions while (C) living comfortably, I’d be happy. Hopefully that’s not too much to ask.

3. And speaking of my “creative passions”, I want to double-down on that too! I wished for this last year, but only really got started in the last few months, but I want to get really good at social media. At digital media, and maybe get back into physical media too? I love posting, I love making stuff to post online. It feels like I’ve finally found a creative outlet that feels sustainable, and that captures ever aspect of who I am. Sometime in August or September of last year, I really committed to posting on Tiktok, and I’ve been having a lot of success since then growing my “dead” account from 40~ followers to 233 (presently). And I know that’s just a vanity metric, but I’d like to think the numbers mimic my personal growth with making content. It’s so interesting to see how my photography, videography, and editing styles have changed in the last few months. I even speak clearer, and more confidently now, and I’ve realized that I yearn to make longer content. Likewise, I hit 100~ subscribers on Substack not too long ago, and despite my posting inconsistencies. I know it’s not necessarily because of my writing, but the number is encouraging. To know that there are people who even like my notes and want to hear from me only makes me want to post more, to show people the kind of person I am and what I love doing, which is creating! So this year I’d really like to lock in, and make something I’m proud of, consistently (I need a proper creative routine). I want to find people like me, who will help me feel less alone in this weird stage of my life, and I want to document said life. It’s an exciting (scary) time! It would be a waste not to make something I can be proud of and also look back on once I’m settled. Also, if this hobby turns out to be something lucrative too, I’m not going to complain.

   1. Additionally, posting online is so much more than creating content, it’s about community-building and marketing (if you’d like it to be). It’s about personal understanding, and branding, just as much as it is understanding the state of the world. Because the world is partially online now, but it’s only a microcosm for what’s happening outside of it. I have a lot of thoughts about this, but TLDR: I love creating digital media, it feels like a way for me to scrapbook my life.

4. Jumping off the career-talk, one of the main reasons I’d like to get a job in politics and gain some experience with policy is because, I’d like to go back to school. Grad school specifically. And more specifically for international affairs. With what I studied in school, and with the way my parents have raised me (my dad is going for his SECOND masters right now), I always knew that I’d be pursuing higher education. And now, with the time I’ve spent outside of university, I know for sure now that I want to go back. I want to understand the people of the world and why things are the way they are. I want to know other cultures, and understand different ways of doing things — what works and what doesn’t, and why! And most importantly, I want to know that in some way, even if it’s a small contribution, I can leave the world a better place than I found it. These ambitions might be lofty, but unfortunately I don’t really see myself doing much else. I already found my dream master’s program, which would also put me onto my long-term goal of living in Europe. And of course, in true Pisces fashion, I’ve daydreamed about what my life would be like as a student in a brand new city again (this is a bad habit of mine). But I think I’ll go crazy if this just stays a day dream, so this year I really REALLY have to lock in and start getting on track with this. If there’s anything 2025 taught me, the last thing I should be is complacent.

5. Finally, and I’m surprised by how short my birthday-wishlist is this year, I’d like some financial independence, please? I’m like almost there, but I’m breaking my back just to do it. And this is very vulnerable for me to admit, but I also want to acknowledge my privilege. My parents don’t pay for everything, but they can help me when I need it. And sometimes I do need it, and I’m very lucky that I can rely on them. But I also feel TERRIBLE about relying on them. I don’t want to, I want to be able to provide for myself without stressing them out or stressing myself out. This is a big part of the reason I’d like another job, because I need something more consistent, with BETTER PAY. Especially if I want to do things like travel, and save up for grad-school, I want a better job, not just for myself, but for my family too. I love them, but I don’t feel like I can truly live my own life, if I’m not fully supporting myself.

(Follow me on tiktok! I’ve been doing some fun stuff on there!)

Okay I lied, here are some more wishes that are less of a priority for me this year. Of course, I really want them to come true, but I’m not gonna beat myself up for it if they don’t.

1. I’d like to go on dates this year! Multiple, nothing serious, just dates to meet people and flirt a lil. I was actually doing good with this last year till the unspeakable happened. And now I’m a bit too traumatized to get into anything serious. Even though that’s what I’d like in the long-term. So, baby-steps for now. Just GOOD dates, maybe a kiss here and there, but thats it for me. I wanna like love again, and also not feel grossed out when someone finds me attractive. I feel like this is the period where I’m supposed to experiment with people, and I wanna actually do that without having them mess up my life. Dating should be fun! I want to have fun with it.

2. I want to run a half-marathon? Or maybe just a 5k. I dunno, just something! This is not a hard ask, but this goal helps me visualize where I want to be with my personal fitness. I got really comfortable with my body last year, and now I wanna push it to the limit. If I’m gonna be busy this year, I want my body and mind to keep up with me (because running especially is just as mental as it is physical). Also abs, I’d like to have those please.

3. Travel. Exploration. It’s always gonna be on my wish-list every single year, and I’ve got one trip lined up already, but whenever I can, I want to travel. Whether it’s being a tourist in my own city, or crossing state-lines, or getting my passport stamped, I WANNA BE OUTSIDE. DOING SOMETHING NEW. MEETING NEW PEOPLE. LEARNING NEW THINGS. I just yearn to be out of my element, if you couldn’t already tell. It’s a spiritual experience I can’t even begin to describe.

   1. On my bucket-list for this year we’ve got: Dublin, Ireland (already planned WOOP WOOP); Porto and Lisbon, Portugal (potentially in the works?); Japan (all of it); CDMX, Mexico; BRAZILLLLLLLLL. You get it. Obvi, this might not all happen, but this is what I’d like, okay?

   2. I wanna go backpacking in 2027, but we’ve got time to plan that still.

4. In addition to building a community in my new city, I want to put more time and effort into my existing community. I’ve got some really excellent people around me. And I cannot emphasize that enough. I would not be alive, or even look like the person I am today without them. They have not only carried me through so much, but they have taught me things that people can only hope to learn in a lifetime. And for them I am eternally grateful. And I wanna make sure they know that. Even if I’m far away from many of my friends now, I want to make sure I always have time for them, that they know I’m still around even I stop talking for a second, and I want them in my life forever. (ily guys so much, you cannot get rid of me, but also sorry if I forget to text back)

5. Finally, and this is going to be a bit sad, but I want to feel proud of myself for once. I think this is what I realized after writing all this, but part of the reason I’m sad about being 23 is because I haven’t hit the stage of being proud for all I’ve overcome. When I talk about the things that happened to me in 2025, I seem to take on a “well, that happened” kind of mindset. Like, graduating college (with a double degree and honors, mind you) was just meh. Getting into my first relationship was like cool or whatever. Getting myself out of said toxic relationship had me feeling like “thank god that’s over.” And moving to New York City (kinda) on my own? That’s just what I was supposed to do. (shrug) This isn’t a healthy way of thinking. And I started to realize this recently after talking with my therapist of 2+ years, and feeling like I wanted to break down when she started saying how proud she was of me. I felt that way again when a few months ago when one of my best friends, Deseni, was saying how impressed she was with me for moving to the city, and once more when I was reading my old roommate, Isa’s, birthday card to me. I’ve been through so much personal growth in the last few years, 90% of which happened in 2025 alone. And all though I’ve gone through the proper emotional regulation channels, I never completed the cycle and let myself feel the joy I deserve for living through it all. That changes this year, more joy in 2026. More enthusiasm for being 23, another year older.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE! And tuning into the latest installment of Conversations with me (Amelia). Another year on this wonderful platform, and another year around the sun. I couldn’t be happier to be here. Now, at this point, I’d usually promise to be more consistent with writing, but if you’re a regular you know that those words mean nothing. I’m sorry, I’m trying I swear. But the night is long and full of terrors, and your girl needs to get to work sending out those job applications. Also I’m still trying to get into the rhythm of my new life, while fighting off some demons from the last one. So what I can promise to be is better, who knows how it’s gonna look, but I promise I’ll try.

Thank you for being here, and I look forward to speaking with you all soon :)

Sincerely,

Amelia.

♥️

I have betrayed myself in the pursuit of what I wanted. Which is odd… because I’ve fashioned myself as someone who is “strong”, self-reliant. Unconsciously, I wore the clothes of confidence so often that even my friends started to believe it, and to my family it was the only truth they had ever known.

But it was just clothes. Underneath it all, I’m just flesh: soft, squishy, and bleeding. But all this was unknown to me until he came along. And suddenly every layer came off, I think a good connection will do that to you. Gone was my coat of confidence, my scarf of sarcastic defense mechanisms was discarded, and all that was left was just me.

It felt good not to be weighed down by all those layers for a little while. Beneath it all, I didn’t realize how I was sweating, struggling to carry the load of my self-projections. How liberating it was, to finally be seen as I am, with and without the layers, like the sun had finally touched my skin after a long, cold winter.

But I let myself bask in the heat a little too long. Soon, my skin started to burn. And even though I put some layers on to protect myself, they were not enough. They were not enough for him, he wanted more.

He, who would ask me to grow wings instead of put on a coat, so that I would be more than what I am and make myself an angel. He did that to make himself feel better. Because he hated what was beneath his layers. Even though we both knew what was beneath it all. He couldn’t accept it, he couldn’t accept that under everything, we were just flesh, bone, and blood.

I am not an angel, and he is just a person, not the sun.

I don’t think he could fathom my mortality. So he asked for more, and more, and more. He was hoping to find something that didn’t exist under my coats, and yet I overlooked his demands because I could see through him, and I was just happy that he could see me.

Oh, how nice it is to be seen. How nice it is to be wanted for what’s underneath, even for a short while. I betrayed myself for what I wanted, for the sake of being wanted.

And yet, I knew he wanted too much. I am no angel, I have no miracles to give. So all I could do was serve up my heart, time and time again, till every vessel and artery was stripped from me and I was left empty. Believing that he could see me inside and out.

I betrayed myself. Offered up my entire person on a silver platter because nobody had taken an interest in it before. Not like he did. And although it felt good to be seen and savored, I was consumed. And I hate myself for it.

I was proud of the layers I wore. The self-projections I made. Because at the end of the day, they were extensions of me, pieces I hoped to put forward to make people see me the way I wanted to be seen.

But it was nothing but fabric. Artificial, man-made, although artfully constructed (if I do say so myself). Because beneath it all, I am nothing but a person. Fleshy, sweaty, unglamorous. He proved all my projections to be fabricated, and that I am not even the person I think I am.

I am not confident, or strong, and I’m only self-reliant because I have to be. But when there’s someone else to lean on, I’ll gladly fall. Because I’m tired, tired of what I have built up, tired of holding it all together myself.

And I guess that makes me vulnerable, vulnerable to manipulation, to exploitation, to greed. He made me realize that I have betrayed myself more often than I knew, just for the sake of being able to lay down my battle armor.

I am angry about it. I never want it to happen again. But all I can do is hope. Because I do not wish to lose my ability to rest, to let the layers come off when things get too hard. Just as he showed me what it meant to be consumed, he also showed me what it was like to be seen in my vulnerability. I liked that… I was missing that.

So for now, I will shrug on my coats, and my armor, or whatever metaphor I’ve used to describe my tough, emotional walls at this point. And I will trudge on, knowing that deep down, I am just flesh, and bone, and blood.

Hey everyone, thanks for making it to the end of whatever that was. I don’t know if it counts as poetry, but it definitely has a more… superfluous tone than I’m used to taking on. LMAO.

Anyways, I wrote this in my journal on the train last week because I’ve been dealing with this deep sense of guilt and anger that I can’t describe. Part of this horrendous feeling stems from the traumatic breakup I went through last summer (shout out to those who remember), which i thought I had healed from, but I guess not! I soon realized, that I was mainly still very upset at myself for allowing ‘me’ to go through such a shitty situation. I felt like I had really let myself down, like a lot. But after some therapy, and crying, I’ve realized that theres literally nothing I can do about it, so I just have to accept what happened and move on. It’s been hard, but I think this post kinda tells you where I’m at with all that.

So thank you again for being here this week, I really appreciate it. And thank you again for 100 subscribers! Still so crazy. But I know a lot of you don’t actually read my posts and are more here for the notes, so if you are one of those lovely, amazing people who reads this stuff, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Talk to you soon.

Sincerely,

Amelia.

Surprise! I’m in my ‘vlogger era’ in 2026. Honestly, it’s not really a surprise, I definitely hinted at this in my previous post, which was also supposed to be a double-feature with this post. Sorry about that btw, at this point, we should always just assume that I’m going to post-late. But at least I managed to post at all!

Anyways, this vlog is kind of just me (again) trying to ease into something new. I also just really wanted to document this very important moment in my life because AHHH I’M MOVING TO NEW YORK CITY. More on that in future posts, because I genuinely can’t believe this is happening to me. It’s so surreal. This really feels like the start of my adult life, and I just wanted to immortalize the moment, mainly for myself.

But blogging and vlogging is always something I wanted to get into. In fact as I was clearing my phone to have enough storage for this video, I would old clips of me in 2020 when I was on a roadtrip with my family. I was vlogging it, I wanted to document things, I always have.

And now I’m making a promise to myself to actually see it through. So hope you’ll stick around, the writing isn’t going anywhere, but I’ll be posting here and on my YouTube from now on :) Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Amelia.

Hope your 2026 has been going well, mine surely has so far. I wanted to ease back into writing again so I’m making the second post of this year about something that doesn’t feel draining for me to write. And that’s because it’s been done before, by people everywhere, in person and on platforms other than Substack...

Resolutions.

Ah yes, the age old tradition of “trying to re-invent yourself” at the beginning of every year. It’s quite optimistic, no? We perceive one fragment of time as coming to an end, so we allow ourselves to end things in our own life as well. Vice-versa: when something new begins, we want to feel “new” too, otherwise we’d be stuck in our old ways.

Except this year, I’m personally not going begin my year with “out with the old, in with the new.” I got rid of a lot of the “old” in 2025, and personally, I don’t have much more to throw out, not in this economy. (Calling it now: the universe will find more things for me to throw out, just watch).

Relationships, clothes, heck my degree finished up and walked its way out in 2025, so if you ask me, I’m just kinda fed up with a lot of things ending and having to emotionally vacate all the time. I’m tired. So to start 2026, I’ve created some resolutions that were based on things that already worked me. At the same time, these “habits” are things I’d like to continue to further my wellbeing in the new year. It’s not a complete reinvention, if you read my last post, this post will hold the same sentiment — I like who I am, more and more with each year. I’d like to keep building on her (me), and not give up or “reinvent” every new year.

So here are some things I am continuing and even doubling-down on in 2026 to make my life a little bit better:

1. Consume less, be on my phone less — I want to get my attention span back. I can quite literally feel it, and honestly my memory, rotting away and that’s genuinely so scary. So, unless I’m mindfully creating content, I don’t want to be on my phone unless it’s to use it as a phone, and on occasion a planner/note-keeper. Currently my screen time sits at about nine hours and 13 minutes… and I am so embarrassed about it. THAT’S OVER A THIRD OF THE DAY. I genuinely don’t even know how that happens because I have a job. But I’m thinking the late-night scrolling has something to do with it… I digress, this year, I’d like to remedy this by reading more, writing more, using my film camera more, go to the gym, ANYTHING. I’ve actually started building a “personal curriculum” for me to get back into studying things I find interesting, which will also prep my brain for grad-school when I eventually go back. Yes, I know I’m effectively giving myself homework, but at this point I need it. So, the goal is to get my phone screen-time back down to five hours, which seems like a lot, but coupled with the digital content I want to be making, I think five is reasonable.

2. Read more — In line with the last point, I really really do want to read more. In fact, this exact resolution has been on my list since 2021 and I’ve literally never been able to cross it off. I think the last book I read for fun was Eat, Pray, Love during my study abroad semester in the Netherlands. I have thoughts about that book because I actually enjoyed it, which is kind of an unpopular opinion. But it’s really a shame because I used to love reading. In middle-school, I was the bookish girl, carrying literature everywhere I went, bags stuffed with books I had yet to read, and able to crush a YA novel in a week. UGH how I miss those days. I owe my intelligence, vocabulary, and more all to that era. So this year, I pick up a book. I want to try to read at least one book a month, but at minimum, I’d like to read six books this year. Last year, reading for pleasure was on the “downturn”, and I think that is definitely because of the tech companies all fighting for our attention (could write an article about that too). So I’m determined to take myself out of the fight completely and be in control of my own brain. Because in the long-run, being intentional about where I place my attention might save my ability to think critically and achieve my ambitions. (Yes, it is that serious).

3. Care about my fitness for the mind-body connection — This past year, I got into a good habit of going to the gym… then I fell out of it, but then towards the end of 2025 I slowly started getting back into it again! But in 2026, I actually want to be serious about going and maybe tap into my inner gym bro just a little bit. My personal goal is to go at least three times a week, but I know I can do more because I genuinely love moving my body! That is the main point of this resolution, is to make that movement a part of my everyday life—not just because it helps me get out frustration, or it will help me dress a lil slutty in the summer—but because it’s actually good for me. In 2025, I touched on this a little by rediscovering my appreciation for tennis—oddly enough through pickleball. Not only did the sport help me channel frustration as I said before, but I was able to bond with my mom, who used to play competitive tennis when she was my age. Only semi-related, but I am turning the big “2-3” this year and being active is something that is going to pay off in the long run. I want to push my body now, so that I can still do things like play tennis when I’m my mom’s age.

4. Be creative and consistent — In 2025 I really got into the habit of posting on TikTok and Substack, and it’s been SO GREAT! Cultivating an online presence is something I’ve always wanted to try and it’s actually helped me be a lot more creative overall. I genuinely love making things and posting them, and I think this is the creative hobby/artistic path I was always meant to pursue. Throughout my life I’ve always reached for creative pursuits from painting to jewelry-making, but none of them ever stuck. But I’m determined to change that in 2026. So, in the upcoming year, I want to continue developing this digital craft, as it has helped me develop a schedule while also expressing myself. I want to post on Tiktok everyday, on Substack twice a week, and on YouTube once a week. YouTube is one I haven’t committed as much energy to, but I want that to change too. Working with both TikTok and Substack has made me realize I talk a lot, and that I’d probably be better making long-form content so as not to condense my very essence.
   I want to be a master at these formats and push the limits of my self-expression. And I am hoping these will lead to great things (give me a brand deal - I’m ready), but I am mainly hoping it will help give me the confidence to be who I truly am: someone living and loving life to the fullest.

5. Be a villager — Sooo… I’m moving to New York City in a few weeks!!!! Can you believe it?! I barely can. BUT I’m scared, so scared. I know less than a handful of people in the city, despite going there frequently. And I’m still relatively new at my NYC job, which only makes this move feel bigger than it already is. Newness is terrifying. And if there’s anything 2025 taught me, it’s just how much I rely on my community. Not just my friends, but my old coworkers at the restaurant, the regulars, the people in my physical community. I lean on everyone, which is funny because I consider myself to be relatively independent, but emotionally, I think I need my people… a lot. So this year, I want to be more present, physically and emotionally, in their lives so they might be more present in mine. It’s more a hope than a resolution, but I’d like to be the kind of friend I would hope to have. I also want to practice being more communicative, especially about my emotions and boundaries, because I also don’t want to overexert myself and risk being a shitty friend. Hopefully this will teach me strength and also balance, while also allowing me to grow my community in my new city.

Thanks for tuning in to this installation of ‘Conversations’! AGH I’M SORRY ITS LATE — but now you know! I’m officially moving to New York, and I’ve just been so stressed with all that and my job, because as I’ve brought up before, I’m going to be leaving my restaurant job soon. It’s just been a lot, and I’m so anxious all the time, because I’m doing a lot of this on my own. Of course I have the help of my community, but this is a plan I made for myself which feels terrifying. This needs a post in itself, but this feels like the first big decision I made that wasn’t heavily influenced by my parents or my friends or school, it really feels like me taking control of my life. AHH I DUNNO!!! Anyways, stay tuned for Saturday’s post! And thanks for being here as always :)

Sincerely,

Amelia.

I started my Substack almost one year ago (the anniversary is coming up!) thanks to a good friend who put me on as a way to curb our doomscrolling on other apps. And needless to say, it was love at first click. Substack reminded me of what I loved about pre-Meta Instagram, Tumblr, and Twitter. It felt like there was an actual sense of community here, a community which I wasn’t afraid to post for.

Finally, I felt like I had a digital space to call my own as someone who is equally social and creative. As mentioned, tumblr was too niche-heavy for me, instagram became a sell-out, and I’m a little scared of twitter. But with Substack, I finally felt like there was a place where I could be social while exploring my new creative ventures (writing) without judgement and showcase my old creative ventures (photo and video) without caring too much. (Goldilocks moment!)

But a lot has changed since then, and now, there are people who actually read and enjoy my work (which is still crazy to me). I never could have imagined what this blog would have become, nor could I have predicted how Substack would help me tap into my creative side once again.

So, in the spirit of the new year, I’d like to formally thank you all for being here, and also reintroduce myself for all the new faces (because there have been quite a few of you in the last few weeks)!

Hello everyone :) my name is Amelia, I’m a 22-year-old (almost 23, yikes) girl who graduated from university last May. Being a senior in college was kind of my schtick when I started this but now… I feel purposeless. Which is my new schtick! ✨ Post-grad life! ✨ And figuring all that out is kind of my thing right now, maybe because everything I do scares me. (I’m a Pisces, if you couldn’t tell.) So I hope you’ll stick around and pick my brain with me as I try to navigate adulthood through controlled breakdowns and existential crises. Maybe you’ll get something out of it, or maybe you’ll just find it entertaining.

But anyways, I love art and history (I majored in Art History), and I have a growing interest in fashion. I’ve always loved clothes and dressing up, but I feel like I’ve only recently just begun to understand “fashion” and it’s industry. Part of this is because of my job, I just started working with clothes in the most casual way possible, but it’s piqued my interest nonetheless.

I also love politics (I also majored in Political Science, with a minor in International Studies), and one day I hope to make a career out of that. This is a touchy subject for me just because I’m a little bit scared to talk about politics on here. I’m a leftist, TRUST, but I don’t know how to talk about what I believe yet. It feels like other people can articulate my thoughts better, so I trust them more to write about it. However, I still know that my opinion (even if it’s just an opinion) could provide some value to the zeitgeist. So in 2026, I definitely want to get back into following politics (as more than a casual viewer) and let my values inspire me to write something. So, stay tuned for that.

But going back to the topic of “work”, up until two weeks ago I was working two, minimum-wage jobs (at the same time): the one with the clothes, but before that I was also a waitress/bartender. I had a love-hate relationship with my restaurant job, but I guess I’m not taking it with me into 2026! … I cried when I put my two-weeks in, that place taught me a lot. Stay tuned for that piece too.

If you couldn’t tell by now, I kind of have a scatter-brained, word-vomit approach to writing? And that seems to mimic the state of my life right now. Nothing is for certain, and I’m kind of just going about life day by day, in the same way I just write down whatever words come to mind. It’s not for everyone, but if you manage to stick through my writing and rambling about post-grad life, then you’re a true hero.

I think that’s kind of what the essence of this blog is. Conversations is literally me talking to the disembodied “you”, someone who might want to listen. I write the way I talk (unfortunately) and when I sit down to try and articulate something that I’m feeling, it always comes out in the form of a conversation. I’ve written many an academic paper, as well as a couple of published articles, but the writing style that has always felt most natural to me has been one that mimics the dynamic of two friends.

But for new year I want to change up this blog just a little bit. No, not change really. More like… expand. In 2025 I had more creative ideas than I knew what to do with, so in 2026 I want to get into the habit of actually creating things. I already started with my mood-boarding, which has helped me get around the writer’s block on here. And as some of you may know, I started taking TikTok seriously in Fall 2025 as well. That specifically has been going very well, and I’m falling more in love with video content creation everyday. In 2026, I actually want to get back into long-form content again, both in video and in writing. I actually used to do a lot of longer writing back when I had the structure of university, but since then, it’s been a bit of a struggle. Similarly, I’ve made longer videos before, and even started a YouTube channel in the hopes of continuing. But when life got chaotic and emotional, it became exhausting to actually sit and edit 10 minute plus videos.

But I hope to change all that in 2026. One of the biggest things I realized in 2025 was that I love my own content. I love looking back and reliving happy moments, or reflecting on sad ones that taught me valuable lessons. I realized that I’m funny, and I’ve genuinely laughed when I’ve read back some of my old writing. Likewise, when I’ve watched my old videos and TikToks, I can see how I’ve improved. Everything from my style to my overall confidence has changed drastically since I started posting, and I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

So in 2026, I will be chronically online. But not in a doom-scrolling, self-loathing kind of way, but in a putting myself out there kind of way. Social media for me, is no longer about flexing, or escaping reality, it’s about community and self-expression. Both are things we need to survive, and both can be achieved by posting in a mindful, creative way.

So happy new year to you all! Thank you for sticking around so long, if you have, but also thank you for just tuning in to this post. If it’s the first time you’ve seen me, I hope you stick around, this is a good corner of the internet filled with love, support, and joie de vivre. Leave a ‘like’ or a comment if you feel the same way I do about Substack, it’s such a cool platform, and I hope we all start blogging again in 2026! Bring back “slow” media, bring back “social” media! Bring back creativity and community! And thanks again for being here, I’ll talk to y’all soon.

Sincerely,

Amelia.

Meanwhile I had been itching to get out into the world for the last four years. The Pandemic didn’t really change anything for me, I just went to school less. But I was already a loner, stuck at home all the time, only leaving the house with one of my parents. It was completely by choice, I just didn’t care to assimilate to my American high-school — I was really depressed. (A story for another time)

But when I realized my high-school confinement in my small Californian town was coming to an end, I started daydreaming, desperately. I remember (and this is very dramatic) crying myself to sleep one night because I had so vividly imagined what it was like to have a group of friends that actually saw me for who I am, that actually enjoyed the things I did. Depressing, right?

And yet, those moments were my first attempts at manifesting. Even though they were walking a tightrope between actually capital “M” manifesting and maladaptive daydreaming, those moments showed me what it meant to really want something, to know it was meant for me.

So, maybe it was out of survival that I started my first yearly vision board, because idea of being able to actively change my own life was the only thing that got me through the rest of high-school. That violent hope, symbolized by a couple of collaged pictures from Pinterest, set me on the right path that got me to where I am today.

That was a very long-winded way of presenting my actual Vision Board for 2026, but it felt necessary. The practice I used to make this board has been the same since 2021 (it’s mostly just based on vibes). And honestly, a lot of the things I want are still the same, they’ve just… leveled up.

So, five-ish years later, I’m clearly the same me, manifesting a lot of the same things. But it’s not like they haven’t come true. In reality, lots of the things I’ve asked for have happened, but every year I get a better understanding of what I want, so I ask for it again… and again… and again. My life is already so full, but I know there will be a day where I won’t know what to ask for anymore. I can’t wait for that.

But until then, here’s my 2026 Vision Board (stay for the notes):

Annotations:

• The themes this year seem to be: physical fitness and confidence in my body; living life to the fullest OUTSIDE and mostly offline with people who matter; but at the same time, my personal brand…

  • I don’t mean “personal brand” in a self-optimization kind of way, but more in the sense of knowing oneself deeply. Oddly enough, posting on Tiktok and Substack has really helped me get in touch with myself, as well as the things I like and who I am as a person. I’ve loved actively creating and sharing the fruits of my labour with others. The act of posting is one of the easiest ways to “put yourself out there”, thus, I was able to build my confidence with each click (this was much needed after this year’s breakup). So, I want to keep going, I want to get good at this posting thing and explore all the ways I can be creative. Money, fame, and travel would definitely be a nice bonus, but I think I care more to make things and finish them, even if it’s just for myself.

• I will say, this is the first yearly vision board where I didn’t manifest any type of romance. I know it’s a little corny, but romantic love was something I was deprived of for so long, I felt like if I put it on my little board then it would get one step closer to happening. And then it did this year… and I think I’m all loved out for 2026. Of course, I’d still like to explore and experiment, and I won’t push it away if it comes through in ‘26. But I think, this upcoming year, I’d like to not dedicate so much energy to that. Honestly, after I got my taste of it this year, it finally felt like the real work could begin.

• In this vision board (take a shot every time), I also think I manifested “travel” in a much more subtle way for the upcoming year. I always incorporate travel every single year, usually with specific destinations or things I want to do. But I think this year, I’m not too picky about where I’d like to be. Of course, I want to travel, and I have some destinations in mind, but I’d like them to be part of the journey that I’m going on, specifically with my personal relationships and my creative path. That was a very empty way of saying I’d like to just have moments abroad, where the purpose is not to be somewhere else but to enjoy life with my friends/family and use it to inspire creative pursuits.

  • This is why I have things like riding a triple-decker bus, but not necessarily a picture of Big Ben. Or a cafe terrace in the heat of the summer, but not necessarily the Eiffel tower. Idk, let me know if this makes sense.

• In comparison to the previous five boards I’ve made, the 2026 one feels the most “me-centered.” And, in addition to my self-conception being much clearer, I think a lot of these things feel attainable. Maybe because I’ve already started to put in the work to make some of this stuff happen. Especially with the social media stuff, I really think I’m building stamina to keep posting.

I could really go on and on about what I want from 2026, but I think I’ll let the vision board speak for itself for now. This week’s Monday Moodboards post is a little more personal, so I’d like to keep it that way. I want a lot from myself, and I think to lay it all out in writing would be restrictive, especially because my future self doesn’t exist yet. I shouldn’t outline her in a few words, she should have the space to become whatever she wants. But I have a lot of goals and dreams, and making these little collages is my one way of peeking into that reality that may be so far away. Hopefully you understand. Thanks for being here, talk to you all soon.

Sincerely,

Amelia.

Okay but enough yapping, I’ve been wanting to post and now that I finally have a few days off, it feels like the perfect time to do it. My brain feels like it finally has the time and space to think of other (non-work-related) things and be creative! And it feels really good! I definitely should’ve taken some time off way sooner.

But enough about work (I’m really trying to put some distance between me and my jobs), here is this week’s vibe. It’s very literal, but I’m a slut for Christmas. It’s the best holiday, capitalistic or not. So I present to thee, a Rom-Com Christmas:

Annotations:

• Motifs: Hand-made Christmas decor (paper chains and lanterns, dried fruit garlands, ribbons everywhere — bows), tinsel AND lights, ornaments collected over time, funky mugs with hot beverages (bonus points if theres alcohol), ugly Christmas sweaters with patterned anything, colorful tights and messy hair, chaotic tablescapes especially with board/cardgames and loud laughter. Also snow and everything inconvenient about it.

• Christmas is for being together with those you love, for those you don’t get to see often, for those who mean the most. The cold, harsh as it can be, has this paradoxical effect of bringing us together for warmth, reminding us that the winter should never be faced alone.

  • It’s quite romantic, the “forced”- proximity. For those who have the misfortune of feeling some “cabin-fever” this season (even amongst family), my heart goes out to you. The holidays should’t feel that way.

    • I understand this, in some way. This is my first Christmas away from my parents and brother. And even though I’m lucky enough to have extended family to be with, I still feel a bit “out in the cold”, but maybe that’s the nature of distance.

      • Sorry for the winter puns.

    • But I’ve been remedying this with conversation, exchanging stories with my aunt and uncle, playing boardgames with my cousins, recounting memories over family recipes and crafty cocktails (we made ube eggnog LMAO — it was fine). It’s helped a lot, because this time, nostalgia doesn’t seem to be accompanied with longing, but instead, gratitude.

      • We are so alike, the impact of our shared grandparents is palpable, even if they are no longer with us. And I think that’s so awesome.

• As a result of all these feelings, I found myself thinking about some of the best rom-coms, many of which take place during Christmas. The Holiday (2006), Love Actually (2003), Little Women (2019)?! Yes, the last one is technically a “rom-com” according to Google. But I digress, the best rom-coms have at least some mention of Christmas, and the best Christmas movies have some element of romance. Both genres employ the use of three elements: coziness (my fave element lately), nostalgia (of course), and “kitschiness.”

  • The last one is a little hard to explain, but I feel like the visual “aesthetic” of these films (and by extension, this vibe) is a sense of whimsy with some crafty/handmade/ maybe even gaudy elements. You gotta see the movies to understand, and trust me, you should see these movies.

  • My personal favorite is Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001), mostly because I feel a kinship with the hot-mess that is Bridget-Jones, but because the messiness of her birthday dinner, and her outfits, and her love life is something that is resonant in a comforting way. I’ll write a full piece on it one day.

But yeah, that’s my vibe this Christmas. TLDR: I’m all over the place and craving warmth and nostalgia. Or maybe I just think of myself of some messy, main-character from the early 2000s. You decide. But I also hope you are all having a happy holiday season, I cannot stress this enough, this is one of my favorite times of year. I have so many happy memories about Christmas specifically, so I wish you all the same joy. I’ll talk to y’all soon, maybe with some more melancholic pieces, but definitely moodboards. Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Amelia.

“Weird turn but it feels like my friends and I are relying on each other a lot more as we navigate what seems like our first winter as adults. And I dont know if it’s just the holidays, but we’ve been coming together a lot, even if it’s over texts, and in all those moments, comfort and coziness always seems to be the setting.” - Monday Moodboards (5)

I’ve reflected a lot on what all that^ means — the “first winter as adults.” Winter itsrlf used to mean slowing down and coming back to the familiar, to what you know. Whether that be your family, your hometown, or the general familiarity of holiday traditions. Winter is about relying on things that are known, that are tried and true.

But at a time where things feel so “up in the air,” i’ve found that I, along with my four best friends from college, have all clung to each other this winter. We are each other’s familiar. Perhaps it is more me than them, but in a season that calls for the known when my own life is so unknown (uncertain), I find myself leaning on them more than ever.

My friends and I are notoriously bad at getting together. We lack the ability to make quick devisions, and someone almost always flakes — and when that happens, sometimes the entire plan falls apart. But as the weather grows colder, I noticed a slight shift in our behavior: we talked a lot more. Usually through text, but I felt there presence once again. It was like we were still in school.

These last few months, it seemed like the smaller, in-between moments carried the most weight. Catching one friend for their lunch break, being with another while they waited for their train. The small, in-betweens meant a lot more than they did before. No longer were they just passing moments between classes and house parties, but they felt heavier, like each time might be the last we’d ever see each other again.

This was especially apparent in the conversations. I mean, it’s only natural that we’d stop talking about school — 3/5 of us don’t even have finals to talk about anymore. School is no longer the only thing that binds us together. Instead, coursework has been traded for job-hinting, and grades for promotions. And suddenly, who used to be frustrated with relationships is now talking about getting married. The party-animal has gone sober, the person who didn’t know what they wanted to do with their life is in grad-school, and the funniest of us all has gotten serious about his future. This shit is getting heavy!

And yet, we are the only ones who will still listen to each other. Well, at least in my case, they are some of the only people in this world who I trust with the insecurity of my adulthood. They are some of the only people who understand how I feel. Sorry to my parents and 99% of people who knew me before 2021, but you haven’t seen me the way they have (and vice versa).

So the in-between moments, short as they may be, mean more than they ever did. And I’ve noticed that we’ve sought them out more and more. Grocery store runs together, splitting movie subscriptions, walking one another to work, and on occasion a drunken tirade in the group-chat has brought us together countless times.

Okay, maybe that last one was just me: after one too many tequila-based drinks shared with an old co-worker on a Friday night in the city, I very enthusiastically spammed out groupchat. Selfies, “I love you’s”, even a voicenote ranting about the importance of friendship during “times like these.” You name it, I sent it. I even missed my stop on the train home because I fell asleep… but I digress. It’s quite silly, but my friend, Deseni, noted how it was “so cute” that I drubk called (yes, I called too) our friend group instead of my ex-boyfriend.

And that made me think, “oh shit.” I do still have my ex’s number, and not once while I was drunk on a train did I think about calling him. Because the people I cared to hear from the most wasn’t my supposed first-love, or even my parents, it was my goofy group of friends from college (yes, all four of them). How special is that?

Words can’t even begin to explain how stupidly lucky I am to have these friends in my life, especially as an adult. If anything, they’re my family at this point. Cliché as it may seem, I do see them more than my parents, or my cousins, or anyone I’m related to by blood. And that is important to me, especially this holiday season where I’m not going home to California for the for Christmas (for the first time ever). I thought it would be a lot harder, not being home. I thought I’d be much more depressed, but I’ve been okay so far, and I think it’s because I’ve been around people that see me for who I truly am, and believe in the person I want to become. I’ve been around family this whole time.

I don’t know what I did in a past-life to deserve them, but I can only hope that I lift them up and care for them as much as they have cared for me. They’re the only people who are capable of tearing me down in a way that makes me cry with laughter. Maybe its because university (trauma) bonded us together, but I could care less, they are all one-in-a-million to me. So here’s to them: Thank you guys for carrying me through these last four years, especially 2025. I truly don’t know where I’d be without you freaks. Here’s to many more winters together, I never knew what family felt like till I found you all.

Thank you for reading this very sentimental edition of ‘Conversations’! I, quite literally, wrote this post in my journal while I was crying in the train. I was just so overwhelmed by the support my friends gave me in a very turbulent time, that I felt compelled to write something. I’ve been feeling a lot of things lately, but the one constant has been how grateful I am for the people in my life. So this piece is for them, but I hoped you enjoyed it too. Thanks for being here!

Sincerely,
Amelia.

And at this point, I’m not even that new at my new job anymore (coming up on 1 month), but I digress. TLDR: it’s going very well. I like working there, it’s a welcome change from the restaurant. But maybe I’ll write something about my weird-attachment to my restaurant job.

Anyways, working the new job has inspired this latest moodboard once again! So let me introduce you to this week’s vibe:

Annotations:

• So this recently, a co-worker described our company’s style as “Euro-Japanese” and I was suddenly reminded of the word Japandi! It was tucked away somewhere in the deep crevices of my brain, but it’s been moved to the forefront ever since.

• It’s peak coziness, if you ask me. And what I like about it, not necessarily the minimalism, but the comfort and and ease. Both those things are much needed at a time like this.

  • Everything feels a little up in the air at the moment, so being able to come back to a style that is predictable, yet chic and still expressive is something I’d like to hold on to going into the New Year.

    • Also, don’t even get me started on the New Year. Foresight is not a luxury I can afford right now.

• If you read the last few installments of this series, you might know that this winter, I’m doing too much and am primarily craving comfort and consistency. This is both through my personal style and also my relationships.

  • Weird turn but it feels like my friends and I are relying on each other a lot more as we navigate what seems like our first winter as adults. And I dont know if it’s just the holidays, but we’ve been coming together a lot, even if it’s over texts, and in all those moments, comfort and coziness always seems to be the setting.

• So Japandi… honestly, not a style I expected from myself. I just described my personal taste as “whimsical” not too long ago, but I think with the cold, and the limited budget I have right now, I’m needing to find whimsy in more minimalist ways. Not a bad thing at all. In fact, just like the new job and the new season, I welcome the challenge. Even though winter is about hibernation and resting, it’s about change too.

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Thanks for tuning in this week, and hello to all the new subscribers! I hope y’all will stick around for more than a season, but even if you don’t I’m glad you’re here. Will try to be more consistent, but we all know how those are just words. But I love writing, I love being creative, and I do want to post more on here. So I will try. It’s definitely going on my 2026 resolutions. But if you like hearing from me, please check out my other personal project: my TikTok account! It’s slowly taking shape, not sure what I want it to be yet, but I’ve been loving it so far.

Tiktok: @im.not.melia

Thanks for the support, I look forward to talking to you all soon.

Sincerely,

Amelia.

So, life update: I GOT ANOTHER JOB!!!! WOOP WOOP!!! And I’m very excited to start this one because I really like the team, and it actually involves me getting to play with my style.

As a result, this week’s moodboard actually served a functional purpose. I’m trying to figure out how facets of my own style might align with the company’s personal aesthetic, so I figured that making a moodboard would be the smartest way to do it.

Annotations:

• So the company I’m going to work for seems to have three pillars when it comes to their aesthetic: luxury, minimalism, and elevated (almost architectural design). I took these ideas into consideration while also factoring in the oncoming winter, which feels like it’s going to be brutal this year.

• One of the first commonalities I found with the brand’s use of texture. Leaning more to sustainable fabrics is also another facet of this company, and as a result, their clothes have a lot of cool textures and drape really nicely. I found that this could mesh well with my own winter style, as I can use certain textures to be more whimsical or feminine.

  • The layering/drapery/structure behind some of their clothes also makes me really excited as it leans more towards the “effortless” philosophy I try to use in dressing. Because what’s more effortless than the clothes just falling in the perfect way?

    • Very excited for this, I feel like with the right layering and fabrics, a monochrome outfit can look very chic.

• As for the non-clothing elements, I really wanted to channel a cozy vibe for the winter. But I had to be very clear about what “cozy” looks like in this context, because “Cozy Minimalism” is not the same as “Greta Gerwig movie”, brightly knit sweaters, nostalgic-kind of cozy. (Although I do love all that and will be channeling it outside of work)

  • “Cozy Minimalism” is much more laid-back, still warm, but much more solitary (in a good way). It’s the kind of cozy (take a shot every time I say it) that says “I’ll be hibernating for the winter” but also “you’re welcome to join me, if you’d like.”

  • Am I thinking too hard about this? Yes. But I’m very excited for my new job and I just wanna look as cool as the other people who work there while still being warm, okay?

Thanks for tuning in to this week’s Monday Wednesday Moodboard! This week’s regular post will be pushed to Friday to let this post breathe, then after we will hopefully be back to regularly scheduled programming. Hopefully. But thanks for stopping by! I hope you liked this moodboard as much as I enjoyed making it. But wish me luck at my first day, which will be happening as you read this. Hope to see y’all around!

Sincerely,

Amelia.

So, here’s this hodgepodge of all the different pictures/videos/etc. I took this week in a kind of digital scrapbook style-post. Let me know if you even like this, and maybe I’ll think about doing it more! Enjoy ♥️

Sunday, November 9: Brooklyn, NY.

Today I visited my lovely friend at her new apartment! Well, it’s semi-new, but this is the first time I had been there. Hehe. Anyways… it was rainy, unexpectedly. Or maybe it was expected, but we didn’t check the weather till the moment we left her place. And unfortunately Mira was held hostage in a nearby cafe with me till I had my coffee fix and actually ate a decent meal. (Sorry Mira, love you).

It was a quick hangout, but a much needed one. We caught up — she told me the latest gossip with her circle of artist friends, I shared with her the latest thing that made me cry. The usual stuff. But it was a long conversation, even though we talk often. I think cafes have a way of doing that. And when set with the backdrop of New York City in the autumn rain, I think the only thing to do is cozy up and open up.

After that short afternoon, I started my journey back, because it gets dark at 4:30pm now. I internally sobbed on the Q Train because of the view. Then I stopped at another store to pick up a birthday gift for my roommate, Isa. Isa, if you’re reading this, please don’t ask me what it is. (She doesn’t read my Substack, but just in case.) Then I took another train home and realized I hit 100 followers on Tiktok! I know TikTok is sometimes a dirty word here, but I love my little account, it’s helping me more than I realize.

It was a short day, but a full one. And every time I leave New York City, I just feel alive in ways I can barely even begin to explain. But maybe all these pictures and videos will be an example of that.

Monday, November 10: Home WORK

I’m at the restaurant on a Monday. My boss never puts me on a Monday. And things couldn’t be worse (I’m being dramatic). I was supposed to dog-sit today, which I was looking forward to because I hardly see my roommate, Isa’s, dog (Levi) anymore since she recently moved out. Yes, I still call her my roommate, we’ve lived together for four years, she’s forever my roommate. But I digress.

It’s cold, and rainy, and I can tell that I’m gonna spend a lot of time sitting on my laptop in the corner of this empty restaurant. But things could be worse. I could be getting cabin fever in my room (which is in the attic btw). But instead I’m here, sitting on a comfy chair, next to a large window where I can watch the rain come down while looking at our pear tree change color. With fresh coffee and food I’ve eaten so often it’s basically home-cooking at this point. Not so bad.

(some time later)

After work I was weirdly productive and had the urge to make some Tiktoks. Making content (of all forms) has been really healing for me these last few months as it’s been helping me keep a schedule, go outside, and document everything that makes me happy.

But I think I was so creative I literally passed out and took such a deep nap that I almost missed my work meeting. Yes, I had to go BACK to the restaurant after I clocked out because we had a staff meeting. Annoying? Yes. But did I get free food? Yes.

Tuesday, November 11: Work

I always work Tuesdays. But this Tuesday was different, because the weather decided to channel Game of Thrones today: winter is coming. I kid you not, it’s so cold today that the girls in my house and I were all woken up in the early morning from the sudden drop in temperature. It was horrid.

And all this led to the morning just feeling ungodly slow. I was late to work, as the wind threatened to blow me off the face of the earth, and it was a slow morning at the restaurant. Until people actually came.

There weren’t many customers, but still there were SOME. I could barely fathom how anyone would want to leave the house in these conditions, much less sit down at a sleepy restaurant (where my boss refuses to let me touch the thermostat). But despite these people, the shift was still slow, and I was still cold.

The cold honestly put me in a shitty mood. I was already tired because of the sleep problems I’ve been having lately, but then the weather turned frigid. And don’t even get me started on the cooks, who tested my patience at every turn.

(TBH, I don’t even know what happened after work, I was just in a shit mood the whole day so I probably just fed myself and fell asleep afterwards).

Wednesday, November 12: Home-ish.

Today I ran. Bitch, I RAN.

So my friends and I randomly decided that we wanna run a half-marathon… by mid-December… with our old boss (my current boss still). Mind you, I’ve run ONE 5k in my life, and it wasn’t very good. I also run here and there for cardio, but it’s nothing serious. Maybe two miles max.

But one day, a couple weeks ago, one of my best-friends asked me if I wanted to run a marathon, and I agreed. And to my credit, I thought it would be a goal we would all work to in the near future. But when I clocked into work that same day I got the text, I saw I was now in a groupchat with my boss called “run club.” Oh. Right.

So now, here I am, running 2.2 miles to the gym, along side a freeway, to practice for a 5k at the beginning of December, and a half-marathon on December 13. It’s crazy. This is crazy. I’m not a runner. And even though I’ve been meaning to practice this 50-minute walk to my local gym (because I no longer have a “car-friend” to take me there), I still feel crazy for even attempting it all.

And yet I did it. Chat, today I RAN 2.2 miles to my local gym, in the frigid winds, alongside a freeway, with a homeless dude cheering me on. It was a journey. Truly. My lungs started to burn after the first mile, and yet I persisted. Over hills, through cracked pavement barely two-feet wide, with cramps and all. I ran alongside the car-centric streets that begged me not to be there, like a psychopath. It was exhilarating.

The run itself wasn’t terrible, it was more so the weather. I was severely underdressed with my college crewneck and tank-top, but that only made me want to keep going. And so I did. I can’t stress this enough: I ran 2.2 miles alongside a freeway.

And then? I proceeded to run another mile at the gym! Because my personal goal for the day was 3 miles, so I felt the need to push myself even harder. Because the only thing that is scarier to me than running along the freeway is raw-dogging a half-marathon.

Thursday, November 13: Manhattan, NY.

In the city againnnn :) this time for a sneaky lil job interview??? (Actually it ended up being two different interviews). Kinda crazy. I hope I get it, but I won’t be mad if I don’t. It’s minimum wage, not really in my field either. So we move!

Post-interview thoughts (both): They went really well (got good vibes from them)! Both were for retail positions, but they had a strong emphasis on fashion and actual styling, which I loved! One interview even included a styling portion, where me and the other candidates had to create an outfit for a hypothetical customer. It was so so fun! I’ve never had an interview like that, and it made me even more excited for the position. Likewise, talking to people who felt really passionate about their jobs in retail/fashion was really inspiring, and honestly, I began to see myself in fashion long term.

Maybe this is something I’ll explore in my post-grad, pre-gradschool era? Who knows? Fashion has a tough barrier to entry, and isn’t always lucrative, but no time like the present… right?

I actually ended up going to the wrong location for the second interview and had to sprint my ass uptown, through the cold air (and HAIL) in order to make it for my interview. So yes, I was burning my lungs with frigid winds once again, this time for a coffee-interview. Hope I hear back, but at least they made up for it by giving me a free matcha latte.

After all that in the morning (I woke up at 5am to commute to the city), I met my friend for lunch at New York’s finest institution: Katz’s Delicatessen. Is it touristy? Yes. But the America sized portions and glossy meats are an experience everyone should have at least once. Especially a Brit. Like my dear friend.

I had a pastrami sandwich and the pea soup. She had the reuben. And we chatted for a good hour about everything from work, to our people-pleasing tendencies, and the concept of “having a village.” Truly nothing beats quality conversation and comfort food. I could’ve easily spent the entire day in that noisy deli. But alas, we had to move to prevent our arteries from getting clogged.

To show my love for the city, and to be an ‘okay’ tour-guide, I took Elleicia on a hike through downtown. We traversed through the LES and Chinatown, nearly getting our ears blown out under the Williamsburg Bridge. At the same time, we admired the diversity of this grand city, and Two Bridges, we talked politics and culture. “Who would’ve guessed diversity is good??” we laughed sarcastically while sharing our optimism for figures like Zohran Mamdani and Zack Polanski. Walking through areas like these, in a city like this, really does remind you that at the end of the day: we are all just trying to survive. Differences be damned, we all deserve decency.

Eventually, we made our way to the Brooklyn Bridge. And honestly? I couldn’t have planned the timing better myself. As we started our ascent, the sky seemed to open up, and just for a minute, the whipping winds of autumn chilled tf out for a sec. We walked the bridge (about half-way) during golden hour. It was truly breathtaking. The city seemed to glow in the sunlight, along with the faces of tourists all around us. I understood them now. How lucky I am to be in a place like this.

Friday, November 14: Around the neighborhood.

I caught up on sleep today, thank god. But the shenanigans didn’t end. Because today, I was doing a lot of the heavily lifting (not really) for my roommate, Isa’s, surprise birthday party. It wasn’t really a surprise, as she suspected we were planning something (she always does), but my other roommate (Deseni) and I wanted to take on some of the party planning. You see, Isa has been stressed about a lot of different things lately, so we wanted to get a cake and stuff. Little did we know planning a get together of five to seven people would be quite the challenge.

First, not everyone could come. Which is valid. But making a reservation soon became stressful, which is normal. But the Whole Foods also didn’t have the cake we wanted, and the Dollar Tree ran out of “3” candles, which is quite essential for a person turning “23.” It was just a mess. A funny mess. But a mess nonetheless.

Isa if you read this, I’m sorry it wasn’t all that you wanted, but I hope you know we all tried 😂 and we love you so so so much. One day you’ll have a non-chaotic birthday.

So, the afternoon was spent with me and my good friend, Arjun, bopping around stores — strolling down aisles, and then forgetting what we came here for. But we also caught up in between the search for number “3” candles. I haven’t seen Arjun in a few months, and it was good to bond over mid Whole Foods coffee (I kinda liked it) and also the state of confusion one experiences in their early 20s. Appropriate given the occasion we were preparing for.

After all this, I also got drinks with Deseni and her friend, Ana. We watched Nuremberg which was a surprising hit for all of us, and we talked about the political history and film studies over mac-n-cheese bites. A slightly spontaneous evening, but I enjoyed it so much I had to note it.

Saturday, November 15: Home. Then the city. Then back home.

Woke up a little anxious today, not really sure why. I find myself needing to over-manage my roommate’s upcoming birthday “event.” Which is the exact opposite of what she wanted. So I think I’m gonna chill tf out for a second, because I know regardless of what happens, it’s gonna be a good time.

I think after I take out the trash, I’m gonna go on a walk, likely for matcha. Idk, I’ve been on a big matcha kick this week.

Update: I did not go out for matcha. Upon seeing my bank account after this week, I realized that it was better to probably save money for the literal birthday dinner I’m going to tonight in New York City. So, no matcha. Instead I’m starting to prep for the party hours before anyone arrives because I have no chill.

(Many hours later, trying to make this quick cuz I’m hitting the file limit)

The night ended well. And even though it started off tense, good food and good conversation proved to be a reliable remedy. We got drinks, ate over priced bites at the Bryant Park Winter Village, then ate even more pricey food in the West Village, and sang the same lines from Wicked uncontrollably. It was a joyful chaos, but I expect nothing less from my people. I’m lucky to have them, because on days where everything seems to be going to shit, we still find away to laugh through it together.

Thank you all for reading this first edition of the Visual Diaries. I don’t know if this is gonna be a series yet, and I also apologize because I must be giving some of y’all whiplash from all the different things I’ve been posting. But this one was also really fun. It was definitely difficult trying to keep up everyday with it, but it actually turned out longer than expected. So maybe next time I’ll see if being more concise renders a better result. But do let me know if you enjoyed this, and maybe I’ll think about publishing another. Thanks for being here!

Sincerely,

Amelia.

This week’s moodboard was inspired by Allison Bornstein’s “three-word method”, which I decided to obsess over while I was at work a few days ago. The method, for those who don’t know, is a way to help define one’s style, by finding three words that would perfectly encapsulate how you would want to dress.

Bornstein even goes so far to break each word down into three specific functions: the ‘realistic’ word, the ‘aspirational’ word, and the ‘emotional’ word. It’s a tried and true method that had me deep in thought for an entire shift.

So, what are my three words you ask? Well in this very moment, at the age of twenty-two (and eight months), I believe my words are: preppy, whimsical, and effortless.

Annotations:

• Okay so let’s start with ‘preppy’ — upon thinking of the things that I already had in my closet, I knew I had to lean into more academic sounding words. And truth be told, I wanted to call myself ‘minimal’ because I perceive my current style to be relatively calm, but it’s really not that. But what it is… is ‘academic.’ So much so that my friends used to make fun of me for looking like a ‘professor’ when I would go to class. Well how else am I supposed to look AT UNIVERSITY??? I digress. Preppy does work with my reality. And I do like East-Coast Prep specifically.

  • I think this is also partially a result of going to private school in my early years… I yearn for the uniform.

• Next is the aspirational word: ‘whimsical’ — and I went with this because currently, there’s a lot of “charmingly unusual” (thank you Google) elements on my fashion Pinterest board, elements which rarely appear in my actual wardrobe. Don’t get me wrong, they’re present, but I definitely wish the clothes I owned right now were more fun. More whimsical! Not childish, but magical. Ethereal. Otherworldly, even. This year, I looked a lot towards vampires, and witches, and hippies, and cowboys for style inspiration, and all this points to one thing: fantasy. I crave fantasy. To give a certain fantasy is always the goal. My fantasy just happens to be a little… unpredictable.

• The final word feels a like a bit of a reach tbh, but it encompasses a lot of different emotions I was having for my style. Hence, the ‘emotional’ word is effortless. It’s a bit aspirational, but it also represents the philosophy I’m trying to take with my style. For me, dressing up should be easy and fun. It’s both an expression of the self, as well a response to the world. My clothes are an extension of the person I want to be and the person I am right now, at the same time! I also want to feel good in my clothes, without having to try so hard to make myself feel good. My clothes should all flow seamlessly with who I am and the world I live in.

  • See? Reaching. Not necessarily emotional. But the word “effortless” feels more on-the-nose than something like “relaxed” or even “minimal.” Words like that don’t represent me, even though they could be applied to how I dress. But “effortless”? That’s who I try to be everyday.

Hope y’all enjoyed this one! It’s a little different from the previous two installments, but I really loved writing it. This deep-dive into my style was a little self-indulgent, but I also learned a lot about my philosophy for getting dressed at the same time! I’ve also been loving this moodboard series and already can’t wait to make next week’s installment. Slowly getting into that creative routine like I said I would. Anyways, thanks for being here, talk to y’all soon!

Sincerely,
Amelia.

Only I haven’t. If anything, I’ve gotten worse. It seems like the universe has been testing me by giving me a number of ‘endings’ that would make an ‘Avoidant’ (like me) into a recluse… Okay, I’m being dramatic.

College ended. My first relationship ended (sorry I brought it up). A couple of platonic relationships quietly went just as the leaves did. And now… well some other things might be ending too. Small and big things, but things I wasn’t ready to see end yet.

(Take a shot every time I use the word ‘end’ or ‘ending’ or ‘ended’)

‘Ending Exposure Therapy.’ That’s what it feels like. Some cruel joke for the universe to play on me — to really make it stick in my brain that I’m actually an adult now. This is the real world. I think to myself. Things are bound to end… to change.

And oddly enough? I’ve accepted that. I’ve accepted that things coming to a close is all par for the course — all necessary to start a new season of life. Only, despite all the heart-wrenching finales I’ve experienced this year, none of them has really made me feel like I’m in a ‘new season of life.’

AND THAT SUCKS. OH MY GOD, THAT SUCKS.

One would think that the ending of things means the beginning of others. Only that hasn’t fucking happened yet. Not for me. It happens to other people, around me. It Heck, it even happens within me, causing me to change my thoughts patterns and belief systems. But has it happened in the physical yet? I think fucking not.

(But wait, there’s more).

The major thing is: I’m still stuck in my college town. Which isn’t even the worst. But its the factor that plays the biggest part. In my brain, my life has changed, but my reality has not. I still walk the same streets I did as an undergrad, I still visit the same cafes I did with my ex. It’s all quite the same. I’m just not a student anymore. And despite all the fond, lovely memories I have about this place, I’ve felt like I’ve outgrown it… for quite some time now.

It’s complicated: I’m scared to leave the nest. Life is quite comfortable here, this will be my FIFTH winter here. And yet, I feel a sense of… arrested development. Oh god, I need to get out. Even though I love it here, I’m not happy. I’ll rephrase: I have a lot of love for here… but it has BEEN time to move on.

And unfortunately, moving on isn’t always gradual. That’s how I wanted it to feel: natural, smooth, peaceful even. But it isn’t. I learned this in therapy today.

Sometimes, life really just throws you into the deep end. This month might have one of those moments. But it’s too soon to say. I don’t even want to talk about it out loud, for fear that I might jinx it. Because, as much as I have a fear of things actually happening… I have a fear of them not happening too.

I’ve begged for change this year. I’ve begged for good things to come. And now that it seems like good things might be tackling me to the ground… I’m scared. After the shitstorm that was this summer, it feels weird to have good things happen to me. I almost forgot that I deserve it.

And yet, much of this is what I asked for. So the only thing I can do is receive.

UH- woah- I don’t know what that was. I think it was just a quick stream-of-consciousness I needed to get out. Thank you for reading it, and for indulging my rambling. I really do appreciate it. Hopefully a less vague life-update will come soon. I’m just not ready to talk about it yet. But this is how I’ve been feeling lately. TLDR: anxious, as always. But thank you all for being here, talk to you soon.

Sincerely,

Amelia.

Annotations:

• The old Barnes & Noble vibe. Warm, 90s chic? WHIMSIGOTH. Yes, whimsigoth.

• Also… manifestation, transmutation even. Despite October and Halloween being over, I’m feeling extra witchy still. I don’t know if it’s just the weather getting colder or the days getting shorter, but something about this season just feels transformative.

  • Hence, Practical Magic-core, and my muse Nicole Kidman. I rewatched quite a few of her movies lately. If I was in a coven, I think she’d be the supreme.

• Something about retreating in the colder seasons not only evokes reclusion, but also something changing, something ready to arise for the upcoming spring. I feel that a lot this season. I feel myself preparing for… something? Who knows.

  • But I feel the need to retreat in order to do so, to get cozy and get to know myself. Everyone around me is doing the same. November is for the loners, but not in a lonely way. More in a cozy way, the kind of coziness that can be found from deeply knowing oneself.

    • Very Scorpio energy.

• Life hasn’t slowed down for me this Fall. And yet, I still feel the need to retreat and hide. So I will. I will focus on myself and make sure I have what I need to survive the winter.

Thanks for being here. Talk to you all soon.

Sincerely,

Amelia.

However, the other reason this list took so long was because I just didn’t enjoy writing for awhile. I hear the shock and gasps from the Substack crowd, but it’s true: I’ve been going through really bad writers-block. And it wasn’t the kind of writers block where you have ideas but just don’t know how to write about them. No, I had the kind where my brain was just empty.

But NO LONGER!!!! For the first time in awhile I actually felt inspired to write!! And you know what inspired me? A brand new pair of dark-wash, mid-rise, bootcut, Levi’s Jeans. Yes. This single clothing item is going to inspire this entire Fall Edition of Things I’m Loving.

So everybody say ‘thank you’ to my new pair of Levi’s and strap in — the Fall Edition of Thing’s I’m Loving is finally HERE! This season I’m still all about boho but in a different way… a more late-2000s and 2010s way. YES, I”M DECLARING IT! We are in a recession and nostalgia is king! This winter is going to be cold but at least were going to look good through it all.

You think I’m kidding about the whole “recession” thing impacting the stuff I’ve been liking, but I am definitely not kidding. Because the fashion industry declares taste for the seasons, and the fashion industry is impacted by all things political and economic. Which is why we get things like the Hemline Theory. It’s very interesting.

But all this to say, recession or not, I’m loving a long hemline these days. And in the summer edition I was loving it in the long-skirt form, but come fall, I’ve been loving dresses. It’s birthday season amongst quite a few of my friends, and I’ve had a lot of excuses to wear dresses lately, long ones. And I’ve really been loving how feminine and put together I’ve been feeling because of them — maybe this is just me embracing my womanhood again (see the summer edition). But if you really think about it, dresses are some of the easiest outfits you could put together, because no extra thought about a top and a bottom matching is really needed. Dresses are great! Long dresses are even better for colder weather!

SPECIFICALLY, I think we could carry this boho, 70s, coachella-esque theme into fall and winter. I mean, just look at Chloé Winter 2024, look at Fendi f/w 2025!!! YEAH. That’s the kind of deep-tones, layering, and textures I’m talking about. I want show-stopping long coats over flowy dresses, I want fur and lace and silk, I want leather boots peeking out of long hems, I want it ALL. Long dresses for fall is chic without being too minimal, it’s polished but still effortless. A long dress is the perfect canvas for your fall-look, and trust, you will catch me in one even if it’s just running errands with my friends.

Now that we’ve established that “boho” isn’t going to die for the winter, here’s a few other things I’ve been loving in relation to the trend. Lingerie as part of the outfit is back. I think this makes sense with the textures involved in bohemian styles: silk, lace, the general flowy fabric. However it also makes sense psychologically — “boho” or “bohemian” (CONTROVERSIAL WORD) refers to styles that often incorporate from different cultures, cultures that are often seen as “free-spirited” or even more laid-back. And what’s more laid-back than literal pajamas? (please do your own research on the word)

But I think the incorporation of lingerie into outfits is fun! I’m not necessarily loving the “satin shorts” look, but I’ve been loving lace all year and for the fall, I’m particularly drawn to lacy lingerie peeking out of things, specifically cozy knits! It’s very chic, and very fall. It’s the perfect way to elevate or feminize an outfit (if you’re into that) while still remaining warm. And it doesn’t have to be just lingerie, lacy details like in this Intimissimi top make great layering pieces while also adding decorative bits to the look. So… do lace for the fall! It’s chic, it’s a little vampy, what’s not to love?

I’m gonna go a little rapid-fire with this next section, because it’s not very organized. But this next part is a general list of things that are inspiring me this fall, ‘muses’ if you will. And this past summer, coming into fall, I’ve developed a new obsession for Clairo. Yes, the indie, white-girl mold herself, she’s THAT GIRL. And I genuinely mean all that affectionately because I loved the Charm (2024) album in the late summer, and I’ve been obsessed with the Charm Tour looks for the fall. Maybe it’s just because the album is so great for the changing seasons, or maybe it’s just because I crave the whimsy that Clairo creates in her art, but regardless — she is my muse for the season!

To break down her style specifically, the Charm era brought a lot more femininity to her looks. To be clear, I’m not a Clairo die-hard, but I’m used to seeing Claire much more dressed down, emulating the kind of soft-girl vibe in her music. But Charm is different. Charm is a little sexier, a little more grown, and this is evident in the tour looks which pull from current trends in a way that taps into Claire’s feminine side, all while playing with aesthetics from the 1950s, 60s, and 70s. Gingham capris with a modern black cardigan? Got it. Lace dresses with tights and Mary Janes? Done. Flowy, bohemian dresses with fun prints and a cold shoulder? She’s got that shit ON. Clairo’s Charm era style is the blue-print for so-called “cool girl” dressing, and I can guarantee any trend you see now, Claire’s done it first.

We will be blasting Charmed as the leaves change color.

On the flip-side, or the complete opposite side of the aesthetic spectrum: Olivia Hurst. Now, who is Olivia Hurst? (I hear you asking). Well for those craving a niche, edgy micro-influencer, I present to you, my second muse for the Fall, Olivia Hurst. Owner of her own clothing brand, Olivia Hurst is the effortlessly chic, cool-girl we all hope to be. I’m claiming it. She’s between Paris and New York, front row at both fashion weeks. And yet, she’s perfectly undone, in a way that’s still acceptable. Messy blonde hair, relaxed monochrome silhouettes, minimal jewelry, and yet it’s all intentional. I’m obsessed with her.

I think it’s an attitude thing, because this girl SERVES and she knows it. She knows what she likes, and she’s not afraid to show it. To describe her style, I almost want to say it pays homage to the cool-girls of the early 2010s. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if this girl had tumblr back in the day, or if she was mutuals with King Kylie. She wears gladiator sandals and denim cut-offs in 2025. She rocks a t-shirt and SKINNY RIPPED JEANS like it’s nobody’s business. AND YET, she pulls off a black, tailored pinned striped suit like a rockstar. I think she’s onto something.

Now, it wouldn’t be a post by me if I wasn’t including some art. So for the final section of this installment of Things I’m Loving (6), I present to you, the works of Helen Frankenthaler. (This is not necessarily ‘Fall’ related at all, but she’s someone I’ve recently discovered that I’d like to share).

Born in New York City in 1928, Frankenthaler was an abstract-expressionist painter who created a lot of large works inspired by natural forms. She developed techniques such as the “soak stain” which involved her mixing paint with turpentine, giving the paint a translucent look reminiscent of watercolor paint. She both inspired and was inspired by Jackson Pollock, as the two had similar artistic practices and encapsulated movement into their work.

What I love about her work is the movement. Which sounds dumb because abstract-expressionism is all about expressive movements made by artists. BUT, I enjoy Frankenthaler’s technique specifically. Like Pollock, it’s more interesting to watch her paint, as it reveals something about the actual art that you can’t get from just looking at the work. She sponges paints carefully, pushing the boundaries of puddles till she get’s something that resonates. But at the same time, she let’s paint sit, the pigment seeping into the canvas to get richer colors. It’s absolutely fascinating, and almost soothing to watch? And the paintings themselves are phenomenal bursts of color that calm you in a similar way a natural landscape might. Truly incredible.

I love discovering new artists and picking at their processes. It’s like an invitation into a whole new world, as to understand an artist is to see things through their eyes. I highly recommend everyone find a new artist this week. Or just look at art in general. In person. It’s good for you!

Honorable Mentions:

• Boot-cut jeans! So, you’d think that the article of clothing that inspired this post would get more than an ‘honorable mention’ but tbh I haven’t worn the jeans yet to write a lot about them. So maybe in the next installment I’ll do something more. But I have this growing suspicion that the 2010s are back (see the ‘Olivia Hurst’ portion above). And as a result, skinnier pants are coming back too. But I don’t think were gonna get skinny jeans specifically, but instead we’ll have boot-cut ones! I don’t know though, much to think about…

• Doe eyes with a smokey twist - Part of the 2010s mania that WILL come, trust. It’s coming back. People are already starting to get sick of minimalism.

• Bangs - thank you Nicole Kidman for introducing me to the term “Break-up bangs” or a “fuck-you-bang” as I’ve heard some call it, also very fall-coded though.

• Shows I binged recently: Grey’s Anatomy (I get it now) and The Hunting Wives (raunchy drama with a murder mystery? HELL YEAH.)

• And last but not the least Red by Taylor Swift. ‘TIS THE SEASON Y’ALL!!! Every fall, I always binge Red, it’s one of Taylor Swift’s best, and it fits perfectly with the season. And with all that I’ve gone through these past few months, it’s gonna hit even harder :,) Excited to cry, but also forget whatever was going on with The Life of a Showgirl…

That’s all from me this time around! Thank you for tuning in, I really do appreciate it whenever people read my work. I don’t mind speaking into the void, but it’s nice if the void talks back once in awhile, y’know? Anyways, I promise to be more consistent about writing, and you will definitely get another installment of Things I’m Loving at the end of November. Slowly getting back into the grove of writing… again. It’s complicated. Thanks for being here, see you next time.

♥️,

Amelia.

Lately I’ve been making everything from Substack posts to YouTube videos; and while that’s been amazing, I find myself always coming back to moodboards/collages. Seriously. In the moments when I have writers block, or get too lazy to open iMovie, I never have any trouble loading up Pinterest (and Canva)!

Making these digital collages has always been a creative escape for me — a visual way of delving into a ‘fun vibe’ — and it’s likewise a skill I’ve been honing since middle school.

(Shout out to those who remember this era of Tumblr)

All this to say: I make a lot of moodboards and collages. And I’m quite proud of my skills. So I’d like to share them with you, at least once a week. Maybe it’ll help me develop a more consistent creative routine, as I’ll look forward to making these every week for you. Maybe I’ll totally hate collaging after a month. Who knows?

But for now, enjoy this first installment of Monday Moodboards! This week, you’re getting a taste of my vibe for the season, while also getting a sneak-peek into Things I’m Loving (coming Thursday). Hope y’all will stick around. Thanks ♥️

Annotations:

• A Haunting in Venice. That’s kind of the theme here. Great movie, have yet to read the book. But very in line for the spooky season.

  • Also, perchance, the Phantom of the Opera? We’ve got a lot of the same elements here.

  • I think it’s called castlecore? Can someone fact-check me?

• It’s a little camp, it’s a little medieval. And yet, I still feel a little cozy?

• Am I dressing like I’m going to a masquerade ball? No. But I would love to take elements from that for the fall.

  • I would also love to be invited to a masquerade ball, but were not there yet.

• Been obsessed with “medieval motifs” on Pinterest

• Also Clairo. She’ll be in this week’s edition of Thing’s I’m Loving (6).

• Is this really cozy? Let me know.

Sincerely,

Amelia. (Thanks for being here!)

But what do I even have to be stressed about? Other than my job, which lacks in deadlines and goals to be met, I have nothing… Okay, that’s only semi-true. I have bills to pay and ambitions of my own, and yet it feels like I’m going nowhere, and nothing is getting done. (Not to mention having to keep my body functional which is a surprising amount of work).

As I’m writing this (for the fourth time maybe?) I’ve just gotten rejected from another job. And normally, I can’t bring myself to care, because every job is rejecting these days. But this one stings in particular because I was perfectly qualified for the position.

Not only that, but it was a job near me, in my field, with a pay that didn’t feel like a slap in the face. Bummer. But I should be used to it at this point.

So I put in more hours at my serving job. Which I also bartend at now. And that’s pretty fun at least. Making cocktails, even if it’s by following a recipe, is oddly creative. And I get my daily dose of social interaction. It feels good, right even. Because even if I’m working harder, and only making slightly more, I can keep going. I’m not that burnt out yet.

So I keep going, working, and filling in the time I don’t work with other productive things. Like applying for jobs. Or exercising. Or on occasion, being creative and making digital content. And yet, it feels oddly mundane. And there are days I definitely drive myself crazy with how much I want more.

More movement. More excitement. Just more. This isn’t the glamorous adult life I hoped for. This all just feels like endless waiting. Waiting for a real, adult job. Waiting for enough money to move away. Waiting for ‘my time to come’, at least that’s how one of my friends put it. “This is just what ‘adulting’ is…” is what I tell myself. “Get over it. Apply for something on LinkedIn already.”

And I do that. I send in applications when I have the energy, but lately it feels like I just don’t. It’s starting to feel soulless, if you ask me. I more so enjoy the repetitive motion of cleaning cups at work than applying for jobs online. But I have to do it. I have to get over it.

And five months in, it’s become a bit better. And by better, I mean it’s become… quiet. Which is kinda good? At least my mental health isn’t weighing me down, at least I’ve got a better balance.

I even joined a gym recently. And it’s been going well so far. It’s nice to move my body in a way that isn’t just walking from point A to B, or carrying plates and drinks around. And I go with my roommate who, even though we’ve lived together for the last four years, I barely see during the week. Our schedules are practically opposite, so this is the time I get to spend with her.

And even though I complain about my job, I enjoy a lot of it too. I love my coworkers, and going to work sometimes feels more like going to a function than an actual job. And even though I put in a lot of hours, I still get to make my own schedule, and I’ve got a lot of time to myself…

That’s how I’ve been getting by lately: finding small things to make me happy. Social interaction with different people. A good coffee in the morning, a great cocktail at night. A quick grocery run with my roommates who I barely see. Very ordinary moments. And yet, they keep me alive.

Being post-grad has taught me to see how full my life is, even without school (and I miss being in school). Because I have everything I could need, even if it doesn’t feel ‘big’ and exciting. I have my own room, which I can decorate however I want. I have great friends who stuck around through every “flop era” of mine this year. And I have a job that’s close by, with coworkers who like and respect me, and tasks I actually find enjoyment in. And I’m slowly gaining financial independence. Which is just something I’m proud of myself for, and I recognize is also a great privilege. I have a great life that I’ve built for myself. And even if it doesn’t look the way I want it to yet, I’m lucky that it’s mine.

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Thanks for reading this life update! I’m finally getting into a real rhythm with post-grad life, so I’ll try to be more consistent about writing. But also no promises, haha! I still have a lot to say and a lot I want to create, but it’s all jumbled in my mind right now, so I’ll work on it. I want to work on it. Another thing I’ve learned from post-grad is that “creating” is one of the loves of my life. I was born to do it, so I’ll commit to it. Buuuuut for now, it’s going to look a little chaotic. Hope y’all understand. Thank you for being here this week, talk to y’all very soon!

Sincerely,

Amelia.

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