For me, there’s more to this than simply being a good read. Unlike other good books, this one is deeply sitting with me the morning after.

Here’s what I’m thinking about….

Why does it feel like we are still living in the 17th century?

Ok, so we’re not literally hanging women for speaking their truth or being intuitively connected, but the words and deeds of such women are still not honored.

We live in the goddamn 21st century, and I could see so much of myself and my spiritual journey in Margaret. I’m fairly certain I’d be on trial for the wand I crafted the other day, the oils I used on my bellyache last night, the sage I use to cleanse my space, and for sure, my beliefs in spirits being with us, how energy healing is real, and that married or not, I deserve to ask for what I desire, speak my truth, and live the life that is meant for my soul.

And of course, I recognize that in some ways society has evolved and grown since the 17th century, but so many times while reading this book, I couldn’t help but feel how often it all still happens today.

The “leaders” who abuse their power.

The skeptics who refuse to have an open mind and would rather be “right” than happy.

That women are questioned in times a man would not be.

The ways in which we are made to doubt our intuition and feelings, rather than seeing them as the our internal guidance system.

The fucking patriarchal paradigm that continues to exist, no matter how much we work to shift it.

Yes, we’ve made some headway, but it’s not enough.

I shouldn’t be ashamed or worried about speaking my truth when it comes to spirituality, the unseen, and what I desire.

And yes, some of that is mine to own.

Could I just say what I want to say? Sure, women do it all the time.

And I’m getting there, but the narrative is still ingrained in me, and it’s taking time to rewrite it.

Putting my words here is a step in that direction.

Hi, my name is Amy. I allow my inner guidance to guide my outer experience. I believe in plant medicine. I believe in the power of women coming together in community. I believe there is more to this world, this Universe, and this life than we currently see or understand. I’m a little bit witchy and proud of it.

It feels like my heart has dropped into my stomach. You know, the feeling you get when you look up to see the police in your rear-view mirror and wonder if his lights will turn on, or you see the mean girl from high school in the store and wonder if she’s going to say anything to you.

But I’m lying in bed. There is no police car. I’m here to take a nap.

It feels hard to breathe.

This is all reminiscent of an oncoming anxiety attack.

And then, out of nowhere, the heat hits. Not warmth.

It’s a fucking inferno, and it rapidly moves up into my chest, arms, face, and legs.

In an instant I’m drenched in sweat.

I try to breathe through it.

I crank up the fan I’ve added as a decoration to my bedside table.

I crank it even higher.

As I lay there, sweating my ass off, it occurs to me….

Perhaps I’m burning layers of myself I no longer need.

The people pleaser, perfectionist, chameleon, doer.

I’ve heard these seismic inferno waves can last 2-10 years.

And I wonder, what will be left?

Who will be left?

Someone else knew the way to do it right….whatever ‘it’ was….the social media post, the sales page, the program, the business model….

For too long now, I’ve believed someone else knew better than me, and I’ve spent a lot of money chasing their knowledge.

And now I’m questioning the f*ck out of that.

I’ve been in business for over a decade and throughout it all, I’ve almost always worked with a coach, mentor, or mastermind.

I’m not saying there’s no power and benefit to all of it.

I am saying I was looking at and approaching these spaces the wrong way.

I thought that as long as I did what worked for them, I’d be doing it “right” and it would “work” for me.

And I don’t think I’m alone in this…and it’s not just amongst business owners.

We think other people…mentors, coaches, gurus, etc….have the answers we seek, when in fact, the answers are all within us.

When did I start trusting other people’s guidance and wisdom more than my own?

When did doing it “right” become more important than doing it authentically?

I’m finding myself in a part of my self-exploration journey that's all about self-trust.

Trusting that what I have to say is enough, whether people support it or not.

Trusting that the ideas that come to me are for a reason and do not need to be validated by others.

Trusting that the program, sales page, or retreat I create from my heart and soul is just as it should be, rather than sending it to a coach or mentor for improvements.

And it is not easy.

Because my mind goes to the default setting.

I am rewiring my brain for self-trust.

I am rewiring my brain to know that whatever my soul wants to create is exactly perfect, simply as it is.

I am rewiring my brain to remember that I am enough.

I am remembering that I am enough.

I am remembering that I am whole.

I am remembering that the only guru I need is my soul.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped writing.

It shouldn’t surprise me that my soul has felt a bit lost without the writing.

And lately, she’s been screaming to come back here.

To sit at the laptop and tap away.

To let it all flow.

To stop worrying about “what to post” or “how to say it” or “what trending music to use.”

She just wants to write.

For herself.

And anyone it may touch along the way.

Here’s what I’m feeling about my being here….

I’m here for authenticity.

I’m here to tell my truth.

I’m here to witness other women in their truth.

I’m here to rewrite the “rules” and “beliefs” that were never mine.

I’m here to shed all that no longer serves me.

I’m here to play, create, and explore.

I’m here for the expansion of my soul, my intuition, and all things love.

I’m not here for the likes.

I’m not here for validation.

I’m not here for patriarchal bullsh*t.

I’m not here for comparison or judgement.

I’m not here to do it someone else’s way.

I’m not here for a f*cking algorithm.

I’m not here to please anyone else.

If that’s your vibe too, welcome, and I see you.

To give some context, Netflix’s description of the show is “An agnostic sex podcaster and a newly single rabbi fall in love; discovering if their relationship will survive their wildly different lives and meddling families.”

With Jews experiencing so much anti-semitism, I greatly appreciate how Erin Foster, the show’s writer, has brought the joy of Judaism to the screen and into homes. While she has since received criticism for ‘perpetuating problematic stereotypes about Jewish women’ (LA Times online), I think she did a great job. 

I connected with many parts of the show. The stereotypes seemed harmless and the positive light outshined any potential negative light. I can see how some may be offended, but you’ll find that anywhere you go. 

As a Jewish woman, who watched this show with my non-Jewish husband, we found it funny and on point. 

5 reasons why I think the world needs to watch “Nobody Wants This”

1 - I don’t know any Jewish person who hasn’t heard about or grappled with the guilt of marrying outside of the religion, how we are a dying people and we must continue passing on the Jewish religion, not killing it off by marrying outside the religion and/or raising children not Jewish. The show addresses, without going too deep, this longstanding concern of the Jewish population.

This sheds light on why Jewish people (even those of us who aren’t very religious) feel so deeply and passionately about being Jewish and continuing our traditions for generations to come.

2 - Judaism is filled with beautiful traditions and many of them are brought to life in this show. Summer camp, Shabbat, Havdalah, and a Bat Mitzvah…all within 10 episodes. Erin Foster wrote this show in a way that educates and celebrates at the same time. It all gave me a place and feeling of connection and I think non-Jews will better understand why we hold these traditions so close to heart – again, even those of us who may no longer go to Synagogue.

3 - Does love trump all? Here, you have two people who clearly feel they are meant to be together, and yet, one is a Rabbi and the other is not Jewish. Throughout the show, we wonder, will love trump all? Will Joanne (Kristen Bell) convert? Will Noah (Adam Brody) take the position as Head Rabbi? Is there a compromise or as they say in the show, “Is there a way this works?” Can the hot rabbi marry the shiksa?

4 - It’s what so many of us need and our brains and hearts are craving. It’s funny with just the right amount of seriousness. The world is so heavy at times (in fact, Iran is raining missiles down on Israel as I type this) and entertainment like this, which both makes us laugh and makes us think deeply, is what I prefer and suggest, over watching the news 24/7.

5 - It’s a great reminder that Jews are people, just like everyone else. With all the conflict in the Middle East and the impact it is having on Jews everywhere, I am hopeful this helps people see that the stereotypes they may believe about Jewish people, (the ones girls like me faced growing up), such as that we’re trying to conquer the world and eliminate others or that we are money hungry people, are false. We are people. I am a Jewish woman married to a non-Jew, raising our kids with Jewish traditions, and I care deeply about our heritage, our traditions, and our future. Judaism is beautiful and it is about spreading peace, love, and kindness. I am hopeful this show helps others to see that.

L’Chaim! To Life!

First of all, I can’t believe I addressed you as beautiful. It has taken me a long time to say that, even in our before-cancer days together. And after cancer? It’s been 3 years since our breasts were taken, and it is only now that I can see your beauty.

I was not very kind to you over the years. I’ve said horrible things to you and about you. I don’t know when or why it started. I can remember being a teenager at camp and getting attention (in what a teen would likely call a “positive” way). I was tall, thin, and muscular, so one would think I would appreciate all that. Maybe I did? But what stands out to me are all the times I thought I was fat, told myself I needed to exercise to be more in shape or hated shopping with friends who were smaller than me. After having kids, I would grab my belly every day (let’s be honest - many times a day) and think how flabby it was. I hated my belly. I hated my thighs. I hated my breasts.

And that was all I could see. No love. No beauty. Well, maybe except for my long legs. I have always loved those (if only they were more defined). Seriously, I could find something wrong even with the part of you I kinda loved.

People would tell me otherwise, but I didn’t believe them. They saw your beauty. I saw your flaws.

When I found out that cancer had invaded my breasts, the breasts you grew, and that I would have to have them taken away, I was mad. Mad at cancer. Mad at you. You had betrayed me. (As I type that, I realize how selfish that sounds. I was betraying you every time I spoke negatively about you.) I exercised. I ate well. I thought I was taking care of you. Refer back to the previous parentheses.

It has now been 3 years since our breasts (yes they were ours, mine and yours) were evicted. It has been a long road, my love, and I am so grateful for your patience. During this time, you have not only experienced painful surgeries and excisions, but you have recovered, healed, and kept me alive while enduring poison being pumped into you, the horrible effects of said poison, and your precious skin burned for weeks.

Sure, you let me know you weren’t happy at times and found ways to get this shit out of you (literally and figuratively), rightfully so, and yet all I did was stay angry at you.

I’ve complained about these implants over and over, and you are the one who has to deal with making sure they are accepted. You are the one, not me, who has to do that hard work.

Do I love having them? No. Do I love having these scars? Not really. Have I learned to love YOU? YES! Yes, I have.

Friday marked the bilateral mastectomy's 3rd anniversary. In previous years, I spent the day feeling very down. With the work our mind and I have been doing, I’ve been able to redefine what these anniversary dates mean to me. During my yoga practice on Friday, I was able to move hands about you in such beautiful ways. I said out loud, “I love you”, “Thank you”, and “I’m sorry.”

I can see now, that am a radiant soul inside of you. I have a phenomenal mind, that is filled with creativity and wisdom and a huge heart where mad amounts of love and empathy reside. I am ALL OF THIS and more! I am more than what is seen on the outside. I am more than my belly. I am more than my breasts. I am more than my thighs.

Not to make you feel bad, as this may come out the wrong way, but here’s how I see things now…

It doesn’t fucking matter what YOU look like, because I am more than just YOU.

I will continue to do my best to take care of you and to love you. I will speak kindly to you. Will I have days when I slip up? I’m certain I will. That’s the part of me that is human. Grief will continue in its own way, that sneaky one. Grief doesn’t go away, but it has helped me realize the impermanence of this life and to value what matters most.

Now that I see more clearly, I will be able to shorten the response time when I slip up. When I hear myself speaking negatively of you or to you, I won’t fall into a downward spiral. I will catch myself and correct myself.

I am awakening to your beauty.

I am awakening to your gifts.

I am awakening to new life.

Thank you for your patience with me.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

As a breast cancer coach, who helps women recognize and release their emotions, so as not to hold them in and cause their bodies further trauma, this has become a hot topic and I want to weigh in.

Here are some phrases/words women have brought to my attention lately. Perhaps you’ve said one or more of these. I’m certain I did before being on this side of the cancer coin. I don’t share this to embarrass or belittle you. I share it with the hopes that it may cause even just one person to think before saying one of these again. As one person makes a change, perhaps others will follow.

• “You look great”: Again, we know ya mean well. The rub…it reminds us that not so recently you saw us as not looking well, healthy, perhaps great. It also lacks any recognition of what she has gone through.

• Seeing doctors nutritionists, and even friends talking to them about cancer prevention - We hear you, we do…and it translates as “Here are things you should’ve done/should do not to get cancer or have a recurrence.”

  The rub here….many women have been doing those things you are calling “cancer prevention” and they still were diagnosed. How can this add up in our logical minds? It doesn’t compute, so an immediate wall goes up in defense of “I did NOT do this to myself.” Typically, one of the first questions women ask themselves when diagnosed is “How did this happen?” and in most cases, it is NOT one of the items on these so-called “prevention” lists. They are seemingly healthy one day and are told they have cancer the next. The other rub is this….can anyone really call these things “prevention?” Aren’t they actually ways to “reduce risk?” Perhaps a matter of semantics to some (you know, potato potato), but damaging to many.

• “You’re so strong” or “I could never do what you’re having to do”: This woman is not likely any stronger than she was before cancer and she wishes she didn’t have any reason to step it up. She is doing the same thing anyone would if in this situation. She is doing all she has to do to kill the cancer while keeping herself alive and healthy enough to keep enduring the shit she has to.

• “It’s/you’re going to be okay”: Big rub here….you actually do not know it is going to be okay. People use this phrase in many situations, because it helps us feel better, which means it’s not really about the person going through it all.

The next obvious question is “What do I say instead?”

I believe that until you have lived through what another has, the most thoughtful things you can say are those that simply (yet grandly) let them know you are there. Witness their pain. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t overcompensate for it. Witness without judgment and show them love.

Some great ways to do this are any combination of:

• “I am so sorry.”

• “That sounds really hard and I hate you have to go through this.”

• “Please know I am here for you.”

• “I want you to know I see you and I love you.”

In the end, that’s all we want as humans. To be seen, heard, and loved. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

xo, Amy

 I get it….
➡️ You want everyone to be happy.
➡️ You want to create a memorable holiday for your family.
➡️ You don’t want to think about cancer.

There’s inherently a lot of stress this time of year, cancer or not. Add grief, trauma, physical pain, and suddenly you’d rather be spending time with your bestie in a cozy cabin, sipping a holiday beverage while sharing a sherpa blanket on the couch binge-watching cheesy Christmas movies. While that sounds lovely, it’s likely not happening sis. (And if it is, I want to come!)

We must, yes must, keep our nervous systems in a place that feels safe. It is important for our health ladies. So, today, I am back with some ideas that may make this time of year more relaxing, more joyful, and less annoying (yes, it has become that bad for some). After all, isn’t that what the holiday season should be??

Some of these suggestions may sound easy and others may make you chuckle and think “Right. I can’t do THAT!” I get it. I’m only able to share these with you because I’ve tried them too and sometimes it wasn’t so easy, but it was usually worth it. Remember, these suggestions are all lovingly coming from a recovering people-pleaser. If I can do it, you can too (if you want to, of course)…and then go celebrate with some bubbly, snuggled up under that cozy sherpa blanket.

1. Set expectations

   Share with your friends, family, or whoever it is you’ll be spending time with, how you feel and what you are and are not up for this holiday season. We can’t expect others to guess these things. Not setting expectations is an immediate step to conflict.

2. Set boundaries

   Make it clear what your boundaries are. Do you not want to talk about cancer? Do you not want to see everyone while you’re home? Do you want to go to bed at a certain time?

3. You time

   Take time for yourself! Whether that means a massage or skipping the party to be in solitude at home, DO IT! And, do not feel you have to explain yourself or apologize.

4. Lean in

   Try to focus on the things that are good and enjoyable. For example, making memories with your kids, seeing your bestie, the delicious dinner Aunt Zelda makes when you’re home. You get it.

5. Exercise - outside if can

   We all know the mental, emotional, and physical benefits here. Need I say more?

6. Give yourself grace

   Take the pressure off yourself, sweet woman! Do what you want (notice I didn’t say what you can) to do and let the rest go.

7. Don’t have to do it all - JUST SAY NO

   SEE #6!!! Don’t want to go to that party? Say “NO!” Don’t want to bake the cookies? Say “NO!” Don’t want to ______? Say “NO!”

8. Let it out

   Last and certainly NOT least, please promise yourself (and me) that you won’t hold things in. And by things, I mean those emotions that others may label as “negative”, the ones that boil up inside of us and then we burst. If you missed it, here’s an IG post where I gave suggestions on ways to let it out. Which one speaks to you most?

I’d love to know which of these helps bring you more peace and ease this holiday season.

xo, Amy

PS….Did you know you can download a free chapter of “BARING IT ALL”? Give yourself this gift and know you are not alone sister. I see you and I get you! Download it here.

But, is it? And does it have to be?

While there is a lot of love & joy found in the holiday season, it also tends to be a time of increased stress and depression. Back in the days of “serial optimism”, “Before Cancer Amy” struggled to understand this. How could such a beautiful, celebratory time of year create such “negative” feelings?

Well, since 2020, I get it!

December 1, 2020: Annual Mammogram
December 10, 2020: Repeat Mammogram
December 24, 2020: Breast Biopsies
December 30, 2020: Breast Cancer Diagnosis

Read more

I’m currently participating in a 10-week group coaching program. Each week we meet at least once and the facilitator, who is an incredible life and business coach, either teaches new content, does a Q&A sesh, or does individual coaching with us. I am so glad I invested in this program, for both personal and professional growth.

We’re more than halfway through the program and last week I noticed something familiar happening in my body and my actions. I had this strong feeling that I was behind. As we shared ideas and celebrated wins, I saw what others were doing in their businesses, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. (Now, keep in mind, I was doing everything on track with where I am in my business and life) I noticed an ever-present unsettled feeling in my belly, my heart rate jumping around, and an indescribable need to be working or producing all.the.time. I was short-tempered with the kids, particularly Zachary, when they wanted, needed, or demanded my attention.

And then there was this weird thing happening. I had this pressing feeling to work, but couldn’t come up with a single word for an email, an idea for a social media post, or a damn thought in my head that seemed like it aligned with the work I know I am leaning into.

At the same time, I was feeling a lot of deep emotions about other things in my life. Derek and I had a friend die only months after being diagnosed with bile duct cancer. I’d never even heard of such a thing. She and I had spent time together the year before when she had been diagnosed with breast cancer and reached out to me for guidance and friendship. This second cancer came on so fast, like a ravaging beast, and ultimately left a man widowed with a young son to raise. Two things were happening around this; one, I knew her memorial service was coming up, and two, I had become somewhat convinced in my mind that these horrific leg pains and headaches I’d been experiencing may not just be minor.

While this emotional wound was seeping open, there was also the heartbreaking, gut-wrenching war that was/is a constant source of pain in my heart. (That’s another blog post entirely and I’m gathering my thoughts for that) More specifically, I was feeling guilty about chaperoning a field trip with Zachary, rather than attending the March for Israel that would fall on the same day.

Hello old familiar friends, stress and anxiety.

I shared my feelings with Derek, the coaching group, and my RAW sisters. I also told them how I knew trying to create and work while feeling this way was not productive, and would also not create anything from a good place inside me. It would be from a place of lack, rather than abundance. Upon sharing it in RAW, I found myself crying and saying I just needed a day to cry and rest. It had all bubbled up and boiled over. My friend Liz reflected back to me, that perhaps that’s exactly what I needed.

Hello, old familiar knowledge and wisdom.

Yesterday, I chaperoned that field trip and it was exactly what I needed. For an entire day (well, almost), I wasn’t focused on work, cancer, or war. I listened to a heartwarming podcast on the drive down. I was deep in the caverns at the Luray, sharing funny moments with Z and other kiddos, walking through in awe as we took in the sights of Gd’s work, many, many (we’re talking 7,000) years old. I played like a kid with Z while trying to find our way out of the garden maze (it was not easy!) and later watched as Z ran around the field after lunch, laughing and playing tag with his classmates. I both sang loudly to music and sat in silence on the drive back home.

This morning, I woke up feeling energized. After my morning journaling, I knew this, right here, was what I needed to share.

I have a feeling I am not the only one who learns this lesson over and over again. We live in a society that teaches us from a very young age, that we are our work. Our grades in school, our college applications and essays, our athletic abilities, and our productivity level at a job, are all things that move us “up” in the world. And what happens when we get up “there?” We have to keep doing all.the.things just to try and stay there.

Yes, I get it, AND I’m also calling bullshit on all.of.it and the endless cycle of fear it produces. I got great grades, went to the college of my choice (WE ARE!), and have unfortunately experienced hustle culture that made me physically and mentally ill at times. And yet, there I was, feeling like I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t doing enough. My lack of productivity made me feel like less of a person. What kind of bullshit is that?!

While I hope the next time this feeling comes about, I will remember what helped soothe it, which was taking time away, rather than pushing my way through.

I’ll leave you with this final thought.

Flow state is always the better way. If you feel like you’re pushing you’re way through and coming from a place of lack, perhaps it’s time to step away, lose yourself in something mindless, creative, or fun, and come back to the work another day. As my wise friends Liz and Alisha reminded me, one or two days away aren’t going to break your business. I’ll add to that, that they may actually save both you and your work/business.

I’d love to know if this resonates with you. I have a strong feeling I’m not alone here.

**Shortly after writing this, I heard this statement and it landed for me, so I wanted to share it with all of you.
”Peak performance is not about forced ambition, but allowed creation.” -Jennifer Watson

And they all have one thing in common….I didn’t have to come up with them! They were given to me and that was that.

I didn’t overthink what each title said about the role they described (perhaps because they were self-explanatory?).

Until now.

I’m entering this new space, as a (blank) for women with breast cancer. I’ve spent hours at this point trying to come up with the perfect word to describe what it is I am doing to help women who’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer. I think I’ve come up with something close, but it still doesn’t feel like “the one.”

The bigger question here, is WHY am I spending so much time trying to come up with the exact word? Why not go with one of the more common titles, that may not exactly describe my role in this work?

Fear of misunderstanding.

Yup, I have a fear of people misunderstanding what it is I am trying to communicate and I think that is playing a role in this whole game of titles.

You may recall the blog post I wrote about some of the criticism, no, let’s call it what it was, the vicious hate mail I received after publishing my book. While I know much of that anger was rooted in bad feelings not related to the book, the part that was related to the book, was a complete misunderstanding.

I want people to understand, clearly understand what I am saying. But, the truth is, there will always be someone who doesn’t.

So, back to this game of titles…

The common title for the work I’m doing would be “coach”, but I don’t feel like I am coaching, but rather guiding, holding their hand, helping them move through the f*ckery.

Am I a:

• guide - too vague

• coach - nope

• companion - not professional enough

• confidante - who knows what that means in the professional sense?

• advocate - I’m not a volunteer

I’ve gone so far as to try using AI to help me, by describing what I do and having it/he/she (???) tell me what I am. This makes me giggle just thinking about it.

No matter what I end up calling myself, I know I am incredibly passionate about this work. I know that I am incredibly confident about my role in the lives of these women. I know that I am helping them to:

• Understand that their so-called negative emotions are 100% valid and human and must be felt and expressed

• Set healthy boundaries

• Feel less alone in the f*ckery

• Know and practice self-love, self-compassion, healing practices

• Feel less overwhelmed with all of the information and decisions

So they can focus on their healing and:

• Stop holding in emotions

• Learn helpful ways to process emotions 

• Voice their true feelings without judgment

• Have a guide alongside them

• Stop searching for someone who gets it

If you’ve read this much and a word has come to mind, please share it with me.

Email me

So for now, I’m setting aside the title game and I am diving into this work. Cancer isn’t stopping because Amy Banocy can’t settle on a title. Women are being diagnosed every single minute and I am here to help them in different ways; one-on-one, group/community, videos, online/digital resources, and more.

I know that I am providing exactly what it is I wish I’d had during my cancer f*ckery.

I know that I am damn good at this work.

I know that I am making a difference.

I know that a woman may have to go through the breast cancer f*ckery, but she does not have to go through it without me.

xo,

Amy (Your Breast Cancer Coach, Companion, Advocate, Confidante, Guide…?)

TLDR: I am up and running! Scroll up and read the bold headers and bullet points with them.

Know someone who could use me in their life to help ease the f*ckery? I’d love to connect with them and see if we’re a good fit. Shoot me an email or DM me and we can go from there. Thank you 💜

On Friday night, I attended “The Boobie Bash”, an event to raise money for Unite4HER, an organization supporting women with breast cancer. The most special part was that I didn’t attend this event alone. I was joined by my mom, my sister, my aunt, and my two cousins, as we made the bash part of our annual girls’ weekend together.

Leading up to the event, I had begun to question whether it was the right event for us to attend (even though we’d already bought tickets and booked a nearby AirBnB). I had expressed this concern to both my sister and my cousin Staci, sharing with them that the more I saw about the event on IG, I just wasn’t sure I was going to be comfortable. The event was being thrown by Dr. Robyn Roth (aka theboobiedocs), who I respect and adore. You may recognize her name, as she provided a review for the back cover of “BARING IT ALL” and I also share a lot of her content on IG. She is a board-certified radiologist and an incredible advocate for breast cancer screenings and early detection. When she polled her IG audience many months ago on the idea of a Boobie Bash, I was 100% in!

Here’s the thing though, Robyn and I have very different branding styles; she’s all pink and as you know I am not-so-pink, she educates in a fun and humorous way, whereas I tend to be more serious with bold statements about how breast cancer is neither pink nor fun. Now, I know she is not implying it is, we just have different styles and none of this has kept me away from her or her content. In fact, she is one of the IG accounts I’m always checking and watching her stories, and because of this, I knew what to expect Friday night. The Boobie Bash would be exactly that, a big ol’ bash, a fun party, all for a great cause.

Friends, I even wore pink for the occasion. Ok, it’s just a little pink and yes, it’s the tank I wore to Taylor Swift, so I was thrilled to get another use out of it.

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I am so proud of all I’ve accomplished with my R+F business and am super grateful for my customers, team, and those who support me.

1. TEAMWORK & SUPPORT: Being diagnosed with breast cancer 12/30/2020 obviously rocked my world. One thing I didn’t worry a second about was my R+F business. As soon as I shared my diagnosis with my friends and teammates, they were quick to tell me not to worry about a thing. I sent an email to my customers and team and gave them name & number of who would be helping them in my absence. In addition to all they had on their own plates, my friends at R+F took care of anything my customers or team needed, without me even asking. THAT is support and teamwork at its core!

2. SUSTAINABLE & FLEXIBLE BUSINESS MODEL: My gratitude for Drs. Katie Rodan and Kathie Fields runs deep! They created a business model for R+F that has allowed me to work when I can and step away when I need to. Proof of that…I literally opened my laptop maybe 5 times during the year+ of my surgeries, treatments and healing from breast cancer, but every month, I received a hearty paycheck. How is that one may ask. The business I built from 2011-2020 ensured that even in my absence, I would continue to be paid residual income. My customers continued to order product and my team continued to produce sales, both of which I earned my commission on throughout my time away. I can’t think of another job/business where this would happen. Continuing to receive my paycheck throughout this time was critical for me and my family financially.

3. PRODUCTS THAT F*CKING WORK: I mentioned how my customers continue to order products. That is because our products deliver results! Whether you have breakouts, sensitive skin, sun damage, or simply want to maintain your healthy looking skin, R+F has a product line that will give you the results you are looking for. I love when customers send me texts telling me how elated they are with their skin. And please, if you know me, you know this isn’t about vanity. This is about having healthy skin and feeling confident. Who doesn’t want that?

4. INNOVATION: Drs. Rodan+Fields and the entire team at R+F are constantly ahead of dermatological, health and beauty trends and are creating innovative products and programs for both customers and consultants. Take for example our new haircare line. Haircare starts at the scalp, which is skin and these doctors know skin more than most. We’re able to leverage their knowledge to move into a new product category, therefore helping people with both their skin and hair. This brings me to #5…

5. DERM AT THE CORE: From day 1, our Doctors have said that we are a dermatological company and brand, operating in the direct sales channel. We are a derm company first, and at our core. All of the products created at R+F have derm at the core. I deeply respect that R+F stays in our lane, dermatology. We’re not out there selling anything and everything just to make a sale or increase our product portfolio. When we do add products, they make sense to our brand.

6. BRAND AWARENESS: Ever hear of a little brand called Proactiv? Probably so. Yeah, those are our doctors…the same two kickass doctors who spent years creating and perfecting Proactiv. They saw a greater need within the skincare space and wanted to create a brand that would be more accessible to customers (no Rx needed) and would help everyday people, like you and me, build businesses and income of our own. Look up their story. They’re pretty incredible women!

7. #1: Yes, we’re on #7…but let’s talk about the number 1…Check out these 2022 rankings/stats from Euromonitor….(and this isn’t even all of our #1s)

   1. #1 Dermatologist founded premium skincare brand

   2. #1 Premium acne brand in the U.S. for 5 consecutive years

   3. #1 Premium acne brand in North America

   4. #1 Premium anti-aging brand in North America

   5. #1 Premium lash serum in the U.S.

   6. #1 Premium skincare regimen brand in the U.S. for 5 consecutive years

8. FUN: I have worked in many different types of jobs and this is by far the most fun I’ve ever had at work! I love the people, the energy and the joy! I don’t know many who can say the same, and if you can, I’m super duper happy for you!

9. NO INVENTORY: When my friend Jen told me about R+F, one of my first questions was whether I’d have to stock a bunch of products. We live in a small house and it’s only become smaller as we’ve added another kiddo and they’ve all grown. Thankfully, R+F consultants do not carry inventory. My customers order through my website and R+F handles payment processing and shipping. Phew!

10. GREAT SKIN: I can’t tell you how many times I was at chemo and a nurse or medical assistant would compliment me on my skin. “I’ve never seen someone with such great skin during chemo!” I heard many times. While so much of my body was feeling ick, it was always great to be able to look in the mirror and still see ME, my face.

11. ADDING ANOTHER BUSINESS: R+F is many things to many people….extra money, savings, full time gig, charitable fund, etc. For me, it has changed over the years, At one point R+F was providing me with a very healthy full time paycheck. Life has shifted and I love maintaining my business and also want to do more work in the breast cancer world. The flexibility and income from R+F are allowing me to pursue this work and start a breast cancer emotional coaching business. (More to come on this exciting news!)

12. IT’S MINE!: I own 100% of my Rodan+Fields business. I can sell or gift it at any point. It is a real asset that can be passed down to my children when I am no longer able to work or have left this earthly plane. THAT is a gift!

Yall, I could go on and on about why I love this brand, the people, and the products and I thank you for allowing me the space to gush all over the page about it. If you’ve gotten this far and you’re shaking your head saying “Damn, I need some of that!”, I got you! Shoot me an email and let’s chat to see if R+F products or business could be a good fit for you.

TLDR? …. I got you. Just check out 1, 3, 7, and 11 for my fave highlights.

Want to learn more? Check out my website or send me an email.

Thank you for subscribing. Paid posts are coming soon, so if you want all the juice, be sure to upgrade. Thank you to those who already have and are supporting my writing as a job.

Above all friends, let’s please continue to pray for love and peace.

xo,

Amy

I’ve been hesitant to post my thoughts on social media, as it just doesn’t seem like a safe space. Hell, then again, what IS a safe space these days?

Full transparency here: I am not writing as a historian, nor do I even pretend to know all of the history around Israel, the Jewish people, Hamas, Palestinians, Gaza, any of it.

I am writing as a Jewish woman, who doesn’t keep kosher, doesn’t attend synagogue, raises Jewish children, practices Judaism through my values, celebrates several Jewish holidays, and has a tremendously deep respect and love for Israel and the Jewish religion.

More than any of that, I am writing as a f*cking human, who can not believe what one group of humans is doing to another group of humans.

The common word in that sentence is H-U-M-A-N. We are all human. Created by the same higher power (whoever you believe that is) and I truly believe that higher power (no matter who you believe it is), would NOT approve of what is happening in Israel right now.

Raping of women and children. Kidnapping innocent people. Torturing. Killing. In front of their families. And on video. People cheering on these acts.

This is not the behavior of humans. This is the behavior of animals. Of terrorists. There is no way THIS leads to peace. To change.

This is genocide: the deliberate killing of a large number of people from a particular nation or ethnic group with the aim of destroying that nation or group.

I am nauseated. I am enraged. I am saddened. I am afraid.

This is all too reminiscent of Hitler and the Holocaust. Did we not learn a f*cking thing? How is this happening? And all for what? For power? Why?

So, in these times when I can barely see straight and struggle to put words to what my insides are feeling, I try to quiet my mind and pray.

Please check on your Jewish friends. We are not okay. No matter how Jewish one may consider herself, she is still a daughter of Israel and this is a personal attack.

We must come together and support Israel and our Jewish friends and family.

I’ll leave you with this excerpt from an email I received today from Jewish Women International, who said it so well. Thank you JWI for putting into words what I am struggling to….

“We weep for those who are being held captive, who have been killed, who are on the frontlines, who are burying friends and family, who are grieving for their communities, whose sense of normalcy has been shattered and who will struggle in the long term to feel safe in their own homes. 

We are already seeing the antisemitic and anti-Israel attacks on social media and the vile parades celebrating the murders, and we are in despair that in this moment of crisis, hatred of Jews and Israel is seemingly acceptable. 

We are all in pain.”

xo,

Amy

“So then why did you have breast cancer?” they’ll follow up with.

Yes, at times it can be a challenge to believe that the Universe/G-d/whatever you believe in, has a plan for each of us. That we are born with all we need and that this life is one big re-membering of our soul at birth.

But then, crazy shit happens to me, that there is absolutely zero explanation for, and I am reminded that there are no coincidences. These are G-d winks, signs from angels, and they make me smile and pause to recall that I’m actually not the one in charge here.

Here’s one for ya….

It’s September 7, 2023. After a full night of flying from DC to London to Barcelona to Mallorca, Spain, Derek and I found our way to the car rental office. Tired was an understatement for how we both felt. So, when the guy handed Derek the keys and said our car was parked in spot 77, I almost missed it.

“Did he say spot 77?” I asked Derek as we navigated the parking lot filled with cars.

He nodded with a smile because he knew right then what I was thinking….77 is a lucky number for me because it’s the year I was born.

We found the car, did all the due diligence necessary, and cautiously began making our way out of the garage.

We are tired and yet so excited! I’m admiring our cute little Fiat, when my gaze moves to the dash.

“Ummm holy shit Derek. Look at the dash. At the date.” I say, almost questioning that I’m seeing things.

Right there on the dash, the date reads May 5! My fucking birthday!

Couple that with the 77 and you have my full birthday!

The actual date let me remind you is September 7. There is no explanation as to why May 5 would be the date showing! It was someone’s way of telling us we were in exactly the right place at the right time. Any hesitations or stress we’d had around taking this trip melted away. Even our car was on board with us being there!

Crazy, right?! This shit happens to me often. I see 11:11 on the clock, I see dragonflies in the strangest of places, I think about someone or something and they/it appear in my life. But this, this was one for the record books!

So, next time you are feeling lost and wondering why some shit is happening to you, as maybe there’s no explanation, ask for a sign and then keep your eyes, ears and mind open to receiving.

And to answer that question about why I was dealt the breast cancer f*ckery hand… Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever know for sure, but I can tell you this… what I had to experience deepened my life in ways I never could’ve imagined and I’m pretty sure it saved my marriage.

xo,

Amy

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forever my baby

little footsteps 

i had a nightmare you say

i can’t sleep you say

get your stuffies and come in here dad says

little footsteps 

you climb in to bed

stuffies all in their specific places

you lay down between us

i doze a bit but sleep is merely a dream now

you roll over 

smooshed up against my back

i can feel your warm breath against my neck

i smile

very tired

slightly delirious 

i think about how i birthed you

or as you say i gave you birth

almost 10 years ago now 

i am overwhelmed with a feeling

i don’t know what it is but it feels good

i just want to roll over wrap my arms around you and squeeze you so tightly 

so much love for you 

runs through my body

you shake a bit

mutter words

another dream perhaps

you wiggle around, roll to the other side 

back to back

our bodies lay

you’ve left me only a smidge of space on the bed

i could be annoyed right now

because i’m not getting sleep

that’s how this story has gone in the past

but today

while it’s long before sunrise 

i don’t mind

i welcome it

even as you move

pushing your back harder into mine

i can’t help but smile

you

my baby

almost a decade

how is that possible

when i can so clearly remember

the baby days, the preschool years

you

my baby

Along with this anxiety, has come a lack of creativity. I want to write and can’t seem to find the words. Or maybe I know the words, but I am too damn tired to put them together.

I’ve been doing things every day to try and understand, honor, and diminish the anxiety.

• Meditation

• Breathwork

• Rest

• Affirmations

• Journaling – well, trying to

• Walks

Last night, on a walk with Zachary, we started talking about creativity. I don’t remember how the conversation came about, but I told him that I’ve been wanting to color and asked if he’d like to color with me. He found it strange that I’d want to color.

“Like with crayons?” he asked.

“Well, I was thinking I’d use colored pencils, but you can use whatever you’d like.”

When he asked me why I wanted to color, I told him that I was feeling in a rut with my creativity and looking for ways to bring it back. I also know that coloring is good for anxiety, so I’d be killing two birds with one stone. (Can someone please come up with a better phrase for that? I hate the killing birds one!)

We continued our conversation and talked about what is creativity. I used to think I wasn’t creative because I felt creativity had to be related to traditional art, such as painting, drawing, etc. A wise friend and artist told me that “Creativity is creating something from nothing.” With this in mind, we went on to list different ways of being creative…cooking, drawing, baking, pottery, music, dance, writing, and so many more things.

We came home from the walk and I went upstairs to my room. I opened the bottom drawer in one of my dressers. I dug underneath the piles of manuscript pages to find what I was looking for. I pulled out two coloring books and a box of colored pencils. All were given to me while I was in chemo, but I’d never used them.

Last night Z did some of the word searches and puzzles in one of the books and I started coloring a mandala. Despite needing to use my new reading glasses, it was relaxing, but I got frustrated easily because it was too small for me to see the lines well.

This morning, the boys were still asleep when I came downstairs. My initial thought was to get some work done while the house was quiet, but then I glanced at the coloring books, open on the kitchen table. I sat down and for over an hour, I colored and did some word puzzles. While coloring, I had some new creative ideas come to mind. I also began thinking about some things that I’m pretty sure have been in the way back of my mind and were finally given space to come to the surface.

“Before cancer Amy” would have 100% used that time for “WORK”…. emails, phone calls, messages, etc. That was my priority then. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I’ve just had a shift and I am personally grateful for it.

You see, it’s not that I wasn’t working this morning, although some people may see it that way. I was playing. I was doing the inner work, the quiet work, needed to make that other work worthwhile.

“Before Cancer Amy” leaned in to work when feeling anxious. It was a distraction. It made me feel productive. It made me feel worthy. It helped me push the anxiety away, even if only for that moment.

I realized this morning, that thinking outside the box and coloring outside the lines is a better way of leaning in for me when feeling anxious. It helped me to be more present with my feelings, to discover new ideas, and to practice my breathing in the process.

Is my anxiety gone? No.

Do I feel a bit better? Yes.

Was this a better option for me than turning to productivity/work? 100%!

What do you lean into when you’re anxious/unsettled/stressed? I’d love to hear! And if you decide to give creativity a try the next time you’re feeling unsettled/anxious, I’d love to know how it works out for you.

xoxo

The following day, we had a luncheon to celebrate Andrew’s graduation. Below is what I read (and yes, I cried)….

Andrew, to see the way that you have grown into the man that you are today is further affirmation for me that we all need to trust the process in life. 

You have grown from a boy, who seemed so unsure of himself, and the world around him, who questioned his decisions at almost every turn, into a strong, more than capable, incredible, witty, smart, funny, athletic guy with so many friends, intellectual, intelligent good decision maker, a guy who I absolutely adore and love spending time with. 

I’d love to say that dad and I played a majority role in that growth and I look at you and I honestly believe that many times we were trying to interfere in the life of a boy who actually knew exactly who he was in this world and was simply misunderstood. 

You deserve all the credit Andrew. You figured out so many of the things that worried me as your mom. When you were little people would tell me that you had an old soul and I used to not believe it, but I do now. I believe that you had more wisdom inside of you than many of us were capable of even fathoming at your young age.

What I saw as a stubborn and unruly at times child who I struggled with, knew that he was actually just growing into himself. He had the soul of a wise person in a young person’s body. 

Andrew, there’s so much I’m going to miss you when you go to school in two months.

Things I will miss:

Our snuggle time

watching you interact with tess

getting to see you and Jacob continue to grow closer

Watching you interact and play with Z

our chats

our walks

your tight hugs that are so filled with love

just seeing your smile every damn day

Watching you play hockey

Things I know won’t change:

My immense love and respect for you

Our deep and special connection

I’m so grateful that we have the relationship and friendship that we do now and man I wouldn’t trade any of those early years in because it meant that it got us to where we are today. I promise to continue trusting this process of faith as you head off to college. I know you are bound to make amazing decisions. Sure you’re going to screw up you’re gonna make mistakes maybe big ones and that’s OK that’s what life is about. I am confident that you have so much wisdom and that wisdom is going to take you exactly where you are meant to be in this world. I love you so much Andrew and I’m so proud of you. so proud to be your mom.

Andrew will be heading off to James Madison University in August, to the College of Media Arts and Design. It will be a hard transition for me and one I know he is so ready for! I can’t wait to see who he continues to become.

On December 19th, I was at the movie theater with Z. While I wasn’t necessarily interested in the movie had chosen, I was thrilled to be spending some one-on-one time with the littlest guy. About 20 minutes into the movie, I rested my right elbow on the armrest, and my right hand came to rest on my face, with 4 fingers on my cheek and my thumb under my jawline.

Oh my god! What is that?

I had felt a lump under my thumb. It felt like a marble. My mind immediately went to a bad place. 

Oh my god, what is this? Why is there a lump in my neck? Oh my god it’s a tumor. It’s cancer. It’s back. 

Z watched the movie, while tears formed in my eyes and I was frozen in fear. I wanted to text Derek but knew there was nothing he could do at that moment. 

I tried so hard to not let Z know I was upset. I didn’t want to ruin his time.

The movie finished and as soon as we got home I told Derek. I wasn’t sure which doctor to call, so I started with the nurse at my oncologist’s office. She listened and said it sounded like it could be a swollen lymph node, likely related to a cold or other acute illness. She said to watch it for a few days or even a week and that if it didn’t get better to give a call back or to let my primary care physician know. A week went by and with each passing day, my fingers would come to rest on the lump, bringing a new wave of fear and anxiety each time.

When it hadn’t gone away or gotten any smaller, I decided to call the nurse again. This time, my favorite nurse answered. The one who has answered the majority of my calls over the past 2+ years and who knows me well. She agreed that it could be a swollen lymph node, but said she wouldn’t mess around with it, given my history and some recent thyroid bloodwork that had been a bit abnormal. She encouraged me to schedule an appointment with my primary care doc and to insist on a full thyroid workup as well as an ultrasound of my thyroid and this lump. I thanked her and called that doc.

The day of the appointment, the PA was super kind and spent a lot of time reviewing my health history. After seeing a lot of physicians, it is always nice when I feel seen and heard. She too believed this lump was something reactive to a virus or illness and likely would go away with time. However, she did agree to all of the tests I requested.

On February 9th, I walked anxiously into the radiology office, Derek by my side. It was one of the most horrible medical situations I’ve experienced. I was definitely not treated like an individual, but more like just a number in their day. It was obvious that I was scared, as tears ran down my face. And if that wasn’t obvious enough, I even said something to the woman, She could’ve cared less it seemed. After conducting the ultrasound, she left and returned to tell me she’d be right back with the doctor to do the procedure.

Prodecure?

“Did you see something?”

“Yes. We will be right back to do a biopsy.” and she was once again out of the room.

I knew this was a possibility, and in that moment, everything came back in a flash.

The only other biopsy I’ve had was my breast….and we know how that turned out.

BIOPSY = CANCER = FUCK!

She and the other doctor were so incredibly cold during the procedure. It was horrible! I lay there crying, just waiting for it to be over.

When I walked out, Derek asked if everything was ok. All I could do was shake my head and motion to walk out the door. I filled him in on everything and he couldn’t believe my experience.

The next day, my primary care doc called to tell me that they believed this was a lymphoepithelial cyst. They believed it was benign, as that is what the small needle sample had shown (good news!), but that I would definitely need to have it surgically removed and sent to pathology to be tested. I asked her how urgent this was, as I was scheduled for my breast implant exchange in just 3 days. She said it could wait until I healed, but not to sit on it, and then referred me to a surgical ENT.

We had an appointment with the ENT, who was great. He agreed with what they’d reported as a cyst and that it needed to be removed and biopsied. Of course, I had some questions….

QUESTION: If it’s benign, why do I need to have this surgically removed? ANSWER: Because we can’t give a full pathological report from the needle aspiration and the only way to do so is by removing it. Also, this type of cyst grows large and where it is, it would need to come out at some point, as it’s so close to the salivary gland.

QUESTION: What are the chances this is cancerous? Could it be mets from breast cancer? ANSWER: He was very cautiously optimistic in reassuring me that this type of cyst is most times benign and that it is unlikely mets or a new cancer. He understood and acknowledged my fear. He of course couldn’t tell me for sure it’s benign, but he did his best to make me feel more confident.

QUESTION: What will the surgery be and how long is recovery. ANSWER: An incision just below your jaw line, which should heal quite quickly. The recovery is about one to two weeks, or until you have range of motion in your neck. It may hurt when you turn your neck and also when you swallow, for some time. He then mentioned that there is a nerve right next to where he will be operating, which impacts the lip and movement. It is not likely, but there’s a chance that could be impacted by the surgery. He then reviewed all the risks ,etc.

Derek and I left feeling comfortable and confident.

Fast forward to May 11th, surgery day. The anxiety hits me as I’m sitting in the waiting room. The silence in there. Knowing everyone is there for some type of surgical procedure. My heart rate increases and I text my sis. She reassures me that this is going to be benign and if it’s not, we will handle it then. We can’t worry about that now.

Once I’m called back, changed into a gown, answered all the questions, checked all the boxes, it’s go time.

IV in. We walk back to the surgical suite. They warn me it’s cold and I tell them “Yeah, I know, They always are!” They chuckle too as they know my medical history and that this isn’t my first rodeo.

I’m on the table, situated and receiving my “pre-flight cocktail.” Next thing I know, I’m nauseous, groggy, loopy and very sleepy. My eyes barely open. I hear a nurse telling me I’m in recovery. I tell her I’m nauseous. I hear muffled talk about getting me a wrist band for that. It feels like it’s all a dream. Slowly, I begin to awaken, but not much. The nurse gives me a can of ginger ale. It’s not very cold. I want to sip through the straw and taste the bubbles, but I’m too tired. “Oh, don’t fall asleep with that in your hands.” I hear her say with a little laugh. I guess I’m falling asleep again. She takes the can from my hands.

It feels like I’ve only been in here for a few minutes. She keeps working on waking me up. I hear her tell someone to call my husband and have him pull the car around front. She keeps prodding me. to stay awake. She tells me I’ve been in recovery for 2 hours! What?! And that it’s now time to head home.

Fast forward to today, May 17th. I’ve had this bandage on my chin for 6 days now. It’s pretty itchy, but other than that, I’m doing well. It definitely still hurts some to move my neck and to swallow. My tongue is still numb, which the doctor has told me is likely the nerves regenerating. My lower lip is a bit limp. I’m really hoping it gets better and isn’t some sort of damage. I see the surgeon tomorrow for my follow up visit. He said he probably won’t have a full pathology report yet. We do have the cytology report, and all is good there! I don’t feel worried. I’m really confident it will all be benign and I’ll move on from this in no time. Of course, when I say that, there is that little voice in my head, that reminds me not to be completely confident, because I need to prepare myself mentally for the other. Breast cancer took that innocence, that nativity, away from me. The one that never even thought about results doesn’t live here anymore. I’m okay with that. It doesn’t mean I’m pessimistic or negative. It simply is my reality right now and I accept it.