.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk🤗

There’s a TikTok sound that goes…. “Somebody asked me do I have a boyfriend yet, I said, what is that like a disease?”

It’s so funny at first then you realize truly, is having a boyfriend some sort of accomplishment? Why don’t you ask me if I have taken my voters card? (Can we talk about the political and economic state of the world right now?😂😂)

At the beginning of this year I literally made a point to physically state out loud that I do not necessarily want a man. Not now anyway. It is literally not a priority, there’s so much life ready to happen to me besides being taken out by a man.

If you have interacted with Ciku Muriuki’s content recently on TikTok, she did a video on why older unmarried women are so bitter. She says the ‘scales have fallen from their eyes’ and they have realized that they’re being sold a lie. That is if you’re good and well trimmed enough, the patriarchy will reward you and a man will want to marry you🤣 let me just laugh out of spite 🤣

Marriage is the long awaited fulfillment young girls think they will get. In a lot of cases that is the case, but it is also not the case in most cases as well. Now I agree fully with her argument shem, marriage is indeed NOT the greatest achievement a young woman can have.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am PRO marrying. I am the biggest fan of loving and I know, apart from being a great Entertainment Lawyer, creator and entrepreneur, I will also be a great wife and mom one day.

But at what cost aki? Love is a double edged sword. It doesn’t come wrapped in a big red box ready to install. It’s worked towards. It’s cultivated. It’s nurtured.

Now why I said I do not want a man, and I say that very plainly, is I have only ever fallen victim to the side of the sword that cuts and cuts and cuts and leaves. It becomes literally so unnecessary. I’d rather do without.

it’s not a sad thing, that is the main point of this word vomit I’m calling an article. It isn’t life changing and heart stopping that I have never loved and been loved back. I would absolutely love to be held by soft understanding hands but the thing is, I cannot manufacture those hands for myself. The hands have to decide on their own that they want to hold me.

So I told my dad yesterday that no I don’t have a boyfriend! Then I sent him my exam results from last semester so that he can ask more substantial questions 😂😂 A means to an end.

Kumbavu zangu is such a funny statement😂 It’s the signature tagline for the self-aware. The ones who know they messed up double time. I have used this statement roughly 20 times in the past two weeks.

It’s so hard to dictate for yourself what you want for your own life if your identity is rooted in how others relate with you. Remember, people around you are always projecting. So can you really forge your own path if you’re consciously or unconsciously absorbing every fear and belief people project unto you?

This brings me to ask, why in the world do I always repeat the same exact patterns that slowly strip me away from myself?

In the part of my brain where I actively use to think, I know this is exactly what i DON’T want. But what about my subconscious? What is going on over there?

“Hello, we need a clean up crew on isle subconscious!!”

In the book ‘No one to change but self’, Neville Goddard delves into the theory that true transformation comes from within; you must change your inner world for your outer reality to shift. (I haven’t read the book yet but based on my small research, I am infact going to start it next week)

There’s a part of me somewhere that has internalized that I deserve the kind of treatment I avail myself to. There’s a small nook in my brain that believes that I have to swallow my discomfort with something in order to be loved. Now I’m going to find which part of my brain that is and what other lies it has stored in there. I’m going to turn into an African mother on a Saturday morning and DEEP clean that part of the brain.

I have watered down so many aspects of myself just so that I can be palatable to the most out-of-touch bunch of humans. No more of that. Leaving is hard, but staying is even harder.

Kumbavu zangu never again!!

Subscribe now

On my dressing table, I have two kinds of products. Those I use everyday that I can always find in Naivas, and those that if they did end, I wouldn’t know when next I’d be able to get them. This could be because they were gifts from a foreign land or they cost wan million dollaz, so I have to save & budget before thinking about buying it again.

It amuses me how I have 4-5 bottles of these ‘exotic’ products, might I say, sitting on my vanity, collecting dust, half-empty.

Why am I not finishing this Champagne Toast shower gel from Bath and Body Works? It’s just circulating in my bathroom,

desperately looking for a way out.

If I finish this, I’m not sure when I might see it again next. If I finish this, I’ll no longer have it, and I don’t know how to NOT have it.

This reminds me so much of love that comes from an unsure source. Love is supposed to be unconditional, but when it IS conditional you will know. “But Amy, how do I know when I’m being shown conditional love?” you may ask. Well…

You filter your words around them, you hold your breath around them, you sit completely upright and perfect around them, no hair strand out of place. You’re always on thin ice around them. You’re striving to maintain this well put together image of you any time they’re in the room. THAT is conditional love. This person has created a space where you find it hard to be, hard to breath. It can be their words, their reactions or how they hold you in general.

Let’s compare this to unconditional love, such as that exhibited by our parents. This is the healthiest type of love as it allows you to breeeaattthheeee. You feel the love coming from a genuine and true place, it doesn’t scare you when you’re being showered in it. You know it is available to you whenever you need it.

This is like that Nivea lotion you have no problem using cause you know if it ends, it’s just a quick run to Quickmart and it’s back in your possession. You know you will see it again, so you use it freely. Unconditional love will never prove to be difficult to acquire for you, you’re the free-est & happiest version of you around it.

Conditional love, like my half bottle of Champagne toast shower gel making rounds in my bathroom, you never know when it will end and if it ends, you never know when you might see it again. This scares you, you don’t know how to exist without it, so you result to using it scarcely. You hold in your farts and clench your toes in an attempt to preserve this half-baked love being dished out to you.

If I ever felt this way around a person, like I’m not sure if I wake up tomorrow & they’ll still be there, that is reason enough for me to leave. Be it from a romantic partner, a friend or a family member.

Leave a comment