For the full story behind The Thoughtful Parent, read this post, but here’s the quick recap:

I started my blog about 16 years ago, having just earned my Ph.D. in Human Development and Family Sciences. I had just spent over 4 years reading the latest parenting research. But when it came time to parent in real life (I had our first son just months after getting my degree), I felt like very little of that information was in the parenting books I was reading. Most of what I found was opinion, first-hand experience (which can be helpful sometimes) or just misinformation.

With the blog, set out to remedy this situation, even if in some small way. I wanted to introduce a wider audience of parents to the beauty of child development and parenting research. Over the years, the blog has changed and grown, but that mission is still the same.

If you haven’t visited my full blog (off Substack), take a look: The Thoughtful Parent. After 16 years of writing, you might fine some treasures hidden in those archives 🙂 I’m still continuing to write on the blog, in addition to this Substack (different content on each).

After becoming a parent myself, however, I discovered that research can only take us so far. We do have parental intuition. It doesn’t always emerge right when the baby is born, but it develops as you observe, respond, and learn about this little person who joined your life.

That’s when I realized the magic happens when you combine research and intuition. I’m here to offer you the research part in the hopes of supporting you in feeling confident in trusting your intuition.

Resources and Products

I’ve created a number of digital resources and products over the years. All of these are available for purchase through my blog.

Tuning into Temperament

The Intentional Stay-at-Home Mom

Patience and Purpose: Mantras for Parenting

How to Support this Work

Having created parenting content online for 16 years now, I’ve seen a lot of changes in the digital world: an expansion of those calling themselves parenting “experts,” the explosion of social media, and the rise of AI. All of these factors make one hard reality clear: the traditional blog is probably on its way out.

That’s hard for someone like me to realize, but I’m challenging myself to be adaptable and always open to learning. I refuse to use AI to write this newsletter. I’ve experimented with it for graphics, but I’m the writer and will always be the writer for this newsletter.

That means that if you value human-created content that hopefully helps you feel more confident as a parent, I encourage you to support my work by becoming a paid subscriber, purchasing a product, or at least sharing this newsletter with your friends.

For paid subscribers, this is just a preview of some of the parent resources you get with your subscription (all live links posted on the Printables Library page open to paid subscribers):

Questions to Ask When Kids are Bored - Instead of trying to solve your kids’ boredom for them, empower them to discover meaning and enjoyable activities.

Discipline Scripts - Unsure of what to say when your child pushes back against a boundary you’ve set? These can give you some ideas.

Mindful Parenting - Do you understand WHY you lose your temper with your child? Use this worksheet to uncover your triggers and help overcome them.

5 Ideas to Remember During a Tantrum - Tantrums aren’t the most enjoyable aspect of parenting, but they don’t last forever. Keeping these ideas in mind can help you stay calm and get through the tantrum with patience and calm.

What to Look for in a Preschool - a 2-page, research-based guide for areas to consider when choosing a preschool for your child.

Social-Emotional Toolkit - A set of printable resources to support your child’s social-emotional skill development. Includes a list of activities, story cards, book list, movie list, and joys/challenges conversation starter.

Stay-at-Home Mom Schedule with a Toddler - Are you a stay-at-home mom? I’ve found that having some sort of routine is super helpful to not only get things done but also keep your mental health strong. This schedule offers an idea of how to balance your needs with those of your toddler each day.

I love writing for parents — it truly is my passion. I also love hearing from readers and welcome your comments, suggestions, and questions. I’m here to support you!

Thank you for subscribing and reading! Sending hugs and support to you,

Amy Webb, Ph.D.

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The products include:

• printable pretend play kit,

• social-emotional learning kit,

• patient parenting toolkit, and

• tech mantra for families.

I’m adding two of these resources to the paid subscriber page. If you upgrade to a paid subscription, you get access to two products included in your subscription, along with the full library of resources.

Paid subscribers can find it at the top of the main page, with the header labeled Printables Library.

We’re in the back to school season. Some of us have already been in school for a couple weeks, while others still have the first day looming in the distance. I think this is a good time to remind ourselves that although school is important and our children learn many valuable things there, it’s not the end all of education.

Early on in my kids’ educational journey, I learned this. Unlike me, who mostly enjoyed school and was mostly interested in the things presented to me, my children don’t always have that level of enjoyment. They are aspects of school they enjoy. There are certain subjects they enjoy, but there’s also a lot of it that they just find boring and they don’t see the purpose of learning it.

That being said, because of their dispositions, I’ve tried to open my mind to other ways that they can engage with learning outside of school that maybe are a little bit more intrinsically motivated. School can introduce them to a lot of new ideas and cool concepts. Sometimes they latch onto them. But what I have found to be more true is the interests they latch onto independently are often more productive mechanisms for learning.

Intense Interests and Their Power for Learning

One interesting research tidbit that has come out of this approach to learning is this whole concept of kids’ intense interests. I latched onto this idea when my oldest was preschool age because he would go through phases where he was intensely interested in some topic. This fascination would go on for months, sometimes years.

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• the ability to comment on posts

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  This week, I’m starting a new series of posts called “Ask Me Anything.” As you might have guessed, this is your chance to ask me parenting questions. I will respond to them in a written post each week. If I get several questions of the same theme, I will group them together.

If you would like to submit a question, feel free to email me at: amy@thoughtfulparent.com or you can comment on this post to leave a question.

Ask Me Anything:

This week’s question comes from a parent of an almost two-year-old. I’ll summarize it here: the parent is concerned and feeling a little hurt because their child sometimes prefers other caregivers over them. They are wondering how to handle this tricky situation.

Caregiver preference in toddlerhood

This issue of parental or caregiver preference is a very common issue, and especially among toddlers. However, it can happen at any age. I’m going to primarily focus on the situation with toddlers, since that was the reader’s question.

Why do toddlers prefer one parent or caregiver?

Toddlers are going through so many developmental changes and brain development at this early age. They often have strong preferences, and we don’t always know why. They might get really attached to a certain stuffed animal or a certain sippy cup. These choices seem arbitrary when it comes to physical objects like that, but when it comes to yourself or another caregiver, it feels very personal.

It’s probably not about you

The important thing to remember is that it probably is not personal. It probably has nothing to do with how you take care of them or how affectionate you are, or anything like that. Toddlers often have very strong preferences, and they can change suddenly. Although it feels very personal, it’s helpful to try to not take it as personally if you can.

Avoid making it overly emotional

When a toddler prefers one parent/caregiver over another, it is not uncommon for the other parent to try to encourage the toddler to have empathy for the “less preferred” parent. Parents may say things like, “It makes me feel sad when you prefer your dad over me.”

This strategy rarely works because toddlers, especially at age two, have a really hard time putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. They are really egocentric at this age. This is not a character flaw, it’s brain development. Their little brains are not really capable of perspective-taking at this age. Trying to encourage them to feel empathy for the “rejected” parent is probably an effort in futility, and may actually make the emotional tone of the whole situation feel worse.

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Set boundaries for caregiving tasks

Although you may not be able to make your toddler want to spend time with the other parent/caregiver, you will probably still have to set boundaries around the time that each caregiver spends with your child.

For example, if your child prefers another parent/caregiver over you for almost every task, there will have to be some boundary set so that you can help take care of them too. It’s unlikely that the preferred caregiver (whether it be you or another parent, grandparent, etc) can do all of the caretaking. At some point, the caregiving tasks are going to have to be divided amongst you.

If your child really prefers one caregiver for everything, setting some rules about who does what tasks is key. It might be something like: mom gets to give you a bath and dad gets to do bedtime, or one parent/caregiver helps you get dressed, and the other gets to make your breakfast. Whatever arrangement works for your family, it’s important to communicate that to your toddler.

If your toddler has strong preferences, they will likely push back on these boundaries, but it’s important to hold firm. Otherwise, if you continue to allow one caregiver to do all the tasks, it will just reinforce the pattern.

Parental preference at different ages

Preferring one caregiver over another can often happen at other ages as well. In my life as a parent with our two boys, we’ve gone through many different rotations of this. At different times, one of our boys has preferred me or my husband and it often switches.

It can be a very special time if you have a special routine or connection that you do at bedtime, or special activity you do on Saturday mornings together. But the key is to always try to encourage both parents/caregivers to be involved in some way so these patterns don’t get entrenched.

The other issue to keep in mind is to not get into a habit of having only one parent/caregiver do all the fun activities and one caregiver do all the drudgery activities (including discipline). If that becomes the situation, caregivers can easily become pitted against each other, and that’s not healthy for anybody.

Try to make sure that both parents/caregivers are taking on some amount of the discipline and boundary setting, so that the child realizes that you are a united front.

✨ The more I sat with this question, the more I realized it applies well beyond toddlers and caregiver preference. ✨

Parental preference as a metaphor

As I thought about this topic, I realized that the issue of parental preference is kind of a metaphor for many parenting challenges that emerge. Whether it be tantrums, challenging behavior, picking eating, or any number of parenting challenges, the advice is largely the same (at least from the broad view):

• Don’t take it personally

• The challenge is often not due to a poor parenting strategy (i.e., it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent)

• Stay consistent with boundaries and caregiving

• This too shall pass

Ask me a question and it may be featured in the next post! Email me at: amy@thoughtfulparent.com or leave a comment here.

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This summer marked our 20th anniversary so we celebrated big by traveling to Hawaii with our two teen sons. It was awesome.

As usual, when I come back from any travels, I’m filled with insights about life and parenting. Something about taking your family to a new destination always seems to offer a new perspective.

Traveling with two teen boys is a different type of travel — less sitting and more doing. They want adventure, to see everything, and do everything. My natural inclination, on the other hand, is to sit in a comfy chair (preferably with a good view) and read a book 🙂

Therefore, compromise is a big part of a trip like this one. We worked it out. They (and my husband who has their tendencies) got to experience a lot and I got some down time. Since this trip involved compromise, for me it meant I had to expand my comfort zone a bit.

Unlike my boys, I get nervous when embarking on a new activity. But they, along with my ever-patient husband, encouraged me to do several new things: snorkeling, hiking new terrain, and camping again (after a several year break from it).

My lesson learned

As is the life of a parenting writer, I’m always looking for tidbits to share about parenting that comes from almost any experience. Based on my “outside my comfort zone” experiences, this lesson immediately became clear:

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I’m not against all screen time for children, but choosing age-appropriate content that is meaningful …

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• access to the complete archive of articles

• access to the Library - a collection of printable resources for families, including 2 free …

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For Toddlers and Preschoolers

Water Table - the big hit of any summer

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The products include:

• printable pretend play kit,

• social-emotional learning kit,

• patient parenting toolkit, and

• tech mantra for families.

I’m adding …

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The products include:

• printable pretend play kit,

• social-emotional learning kit,

• patient parenting toolkit, and

• tech mantra for families.

I’m adding two of these resources to the paid subscriber page. If you upgrade to a paid subscription, you get access to two products included in your subscription, along with the full library of resources.

Paid subscribers can find it at the top of the main page, with the header labeled Printables Library.

“Mom/Dad, I’m bored!” How often do you hear that during the summer? Our first instinct is to present our kids with a barrage of activities to keep the dreaded boredom at bay.

But what if we took a different approach?

What if boredom is really a sign of lack of inspiration or meaning, not laziness or lack of motivation?

In recent years, I’ve begun to think about boredom in a slightly different way. After reading some research from a psychologist who described boredom as a lack of meaning.

What bored kids really need

When I think back to my own childhood experience of boredom, that definition resonates with me. This idea aligns well with a lot of psychological research from recent years on the importance of a sense of purpose. Those two ideas are tied closely together: meaning and purpose.

The research finds, not surprisingly, that we humans need purpose. Some of the most interesting research in this area looks at teens. Teens who have a sense of purpose tend to do better in all areas of life— academically, mentally, and in terms of feelings of happiness.

What brings a “sense of meaning” for a 4-year-old, 7-year-old or even a 10-year-old?

Related reading: Growing Up in the 80s: Recreate It For Your Child Today

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The products include a printable pretend play kit, a social-emotional learning kit, a patient parenting toolkit, and a tech mantra for families. Check them out!

I’m adding two of these resources to the paid subscriber page. If you upgrade to a paid subscription, you get access to two products included in your subscription, along with the full library of resources.

Paid subscribers can find it at the top of the main page, with the header labeled Printables Library.

Do you know the old expression, “two steps forward, one step back?” It may have happened to you on a big work project or lofty health goal. You work hard for months and make good progress, only for that achievement to be erased after a week of challenges or distractions.

Media and advertisers would have us believe that this is what happens to children’s academic growth over the summer…the dreaded “summer slide.” But a new look at the research made me question this idea, and I want to share this perspective with you.

Is Summer Learning Loss Real?

Do children really lose significant learning over the course of the summer break?

One of the most recent studies of this topic was published in Sociological Science in 2023. These scholars considered test scores from three large-scale education data sources. These datasets track students’ performance during the 2010s during the school years and summers.

Related reading: The Tired Parents’ Guide to Educational Summer Activities for Kids

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The products include a printable pretend play kit, a social-emotional learning kit, a patient parenting toolkit, and a tech mantra for families. Check them out!

Even bigger news! I’m adding two of these resources to the paid subscriber page. If you upgrade to a paid subscription, you get access to two products included in your subscription, along with the full library of resources.

Paid subscribers can find it at the top of the main page, with the header labeled Printables Library.

The summer is here, and most of us are attempting to balance the needs of our kids with our adult responsibilities and obligations. It’s not always an easy balance to find during summer when kids are at home full-time, or maybe you’re scrambling to find camps and activities.

Age-appropriate independence is the key to summer

Over the years, one thing I found to be helpful is to encourage as much independence in my kids as possible. The summer is a perfect time to do that, especially if your kids are in the late elementary to teenage group. During the summer, they may be able to learn skills that can help them not only manage summer boredom but also thrive in life later on.

Helping your kids become more independent also helps you during the summer to find a little more sense of balance. The more things your child can learn to do independently, the more leeway you have in how you manage your time.

The link between autonomy and mental health

When we look at research on independence and autonomy, what we see is enlightening. Particularly among adolescents, fostering their independence and autonomy is actually linked to better mental health.

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• access to the Library - a collection of printable resources for families, including 2 free …

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We’ve all experienced this with our children in one way or another. Perhaps the first time we experienced it was when telling the story of their birth or adoption. When this new child enters our story, it’s life-changing. We want to tell that story to anyone who will listen. There’s an innate need to tell the story and to have someone listen.

The same goes with our children. When they’re young, sometimes it’s them telling us the story of the bug they found or how they scraped their knee on the playground. When they’re older, it’s the story of a fight with a friend or the goal they scored in the soccer game. The thing about these stories is that they’re not made up, of course, they’re real, but they need to be heard by someone who cares.

The act of telling the story is important, but the hearing is almost even more important. Whether it be a story of joy or sadness, trauma or fun, children really need us to hear their stories.

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The Science of Meaning Making

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This week, the topic was from a scholar who works in the area of design thinking. Design thinking is all about coming up with solutions to problems using a designer’s mindset. Oftentimes, it’s applied to designing a product, but this particular scholar has been using the same principles and applying them to different aspects of life.

One of the principles he described in the podcast was this:

Aim to be fully engaged and calmly detached.

The minute I heard it, I immediately knew that it applied to parenting.

The “fully engaged” part is pretty obvious. You’re fully present in the moment. You’re not thinking about the next hour from now, or 10 years from now; you’re fully engaged in the moment.

“Calmly detached” means basically you’re letting go of the outcome. The way he describes it is that we all want to be fully engaged with whatever type of relationship or endeavor we’re working on. But the calmly detached part comes in because we don’t have full control over the outcome of whatever we’re doing, even if it’s a relationship.

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Design Thinking for Parenting

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Like many mom founders, she was motivated to begin this journey after becoming a mom and…

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One quick reminder: My Etsy shop is now open, offering printable resources for families. Right now, there are only 2 products listed, but I have many more in the works. Stay tuned. Share with other families you know.

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The two products listed are:

Social Emotional Toolkit (aka Emotion Camp for Kids)

Preschool Guide and Checklist for Parents

Even bigger news! I’m adding these two resources to the paid subscriber page. If you upgrade to a paid subscription, you get access to these two products included in your subscription, along with the full library of resources.

Paid subscribers can find it at the top of the main page, with the header labeled Printables Library.

I came across an idea recently that resonated, and I think has real implications for parenting. The idea was from an article about healthy aging (hang with me, it’s related). The concept that was mentioned was “hormesis.” It’s described as a small stressor to your body that makes your body more resilient and robust over time. They gave the example of fasting or calorie restriction. It’s a small stressor, but over time, it makes your body more resilient to some of the changes of aging.

What does this have to do with parenting?

This biological concept, it turns out, seems to apply to psychology as well. The idea that small stressors can actually make us (and our children) more psychologically resilient and robust is supported in research.

This point was reiterated by Dr. Becky as she commented on the panelists’ discussions at Davos.

One common theme that emerged was the need to allow more struggle and a little less comfort in children’s environment as they develop. This is not about abuse or neglect, of course. This is about tolerable stress—the hormesis of everyday life. This is what builds resilience and coping skills. These real-life experiences that don’t go perfectly, that involve failure or disappointment.

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The two products listed are:

Social Emotional Toolkit (aka Emotion Camp for Kids)

Preschool Guide and Checklist for Parents

Even bigger news! I’m adding these two resources to the paid subscriber page. If you upgrade to a paid subscription, you get access to these two products included in your subscription, along with the full library of resources.

Paid subscribers can find it at the top of the main page, with the header labeled Printables Library.

When was the last time your child came running to you, excited about some unusual “fact” or story that “must be true” that they read online or saw on YouTube? You, having more life experience, quickly realize that this “big story” is, in fact, a fake.

This scenario makes you realize just how important critical thinking skills are in today’s world. Perhaps at no other time in history have critical thinking skills been so necessary for our children and their future endeavors. The emergence of AI has only reinforced the urgent need to foster this skill in our children.

While information is abundant in our world today, there is an even greater need for the skill of being able to carefully and critically discern the value of this information. Experts have recognized this as well. The World Health Organization has listed critical thinking skills as one of the 5 critical life skills that everyone should master, and these skills begin in childhood.

What can we, as parents, do in our interactions with our children to foster this crucial skill?

What is Critical Thinking and Why Does it Matter?

Although critical thinking is often listed among other intellectual skills that we hope to foster in our children, it is a very distinct concept. Different from pure intelligence, critical thinking has less to do with content and more to do with the quality of thought. Many scholars have adopted a definition that puts emphasis on the active process of evaluating information in a disciplined way. The ultimate goal of critical thinking is not just the intellectual process; the goal is to be able to use this evaluated information to inform one’s decisions or beliefs.

Although a person’s knowledge of a particular subject area is important in critical thinking, it’s not simply about being able to recall or recite content. Critical thinking skills are all about evaluation—being able to discern the value, relevance, or soundness of the information at hand.

From this, it’s easy to see why critical thinking skills are very necessary in our world today. In an atmosphere in which information is abundant and even overwhelming, the ability to evaluate information in a systematic way is crucial. This ability is not only important in academics and careers, but in personal life as well. Research backs up the value of critical thinking skills. For example, one study of children showed that those who participated in explicit lessons about critical thinking performed better on standardized tests (not that standardized tests are the ultimate measure of anything1). Studies do seem to indicate that critical thinking skills have to be explicitly taught to children; they don’t seem to just naturally pick them up over the course of development.

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Here’s the picture:

As you can see, it’s a letter, presumably written by a principal, regarding standardized testing at their school. First of all, I fully support what they’re trying to do with this letter. The goal, I think, is to help parents take the pressure off their children with these standardized tests. I totally support that, and I think it’s a good message to share. It’s a sad state of affairs that this even has to exist, but that’s a discussion for another day.

The part of it that made me really think was this underlying assumption that children need to be pigeonholed or labeled in some way to justify their skill set.

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• access to the complete archive of articles

• access to the Library - a collection of printable resources for families

• the ability to comm…

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