I hate that phrase, ‘A crush is just a lack of information’. I think it is an admittance to idealizing someone, rather than taking time to understand them and their weaknesses, it is shallow.

I have had the experience of being vulnerable to men who said they crushed on me, and damn was I crashed! The experience of what happens when I eventually give these men access to the person behind whatever they initially desired. The experience of tables turning and I am no longer their object of affection, but a mark for their resentment. “Why do I like you so much? Why did you make me fawn for you so hard? What’s so special about you? Now that you’re here with me, you’ll be punished for making me that vulnerable, for making me drop my ego in pursuit for your mystery.”

A paradox of reciprocation being met with aversion.

Woe is what you know when you show emotion towards such an admirer. “Urghh, you are just as soft as they come,” they will think. “Can’t you maintain the facade I fell in love with?” You will cry to them, and as you gasp to talk, you will see disgust written all over their face….

“How dare you say you want my attention… you were supposed to be unattainable. How dare you cry, how dare you admit to liking me back, how dare you hug me back, how dare you show the frailties of a woman… you were supposed to be an idol. Stay an idol! You are ruining it!”

I ruined the mystery you were crazy about. What now? Is the excitement gone, just as I had started budding to you…

I am not some hot commodity that you need to boost your ego with. I am not a conquest. I am not monolithic, that I can only be a ‘hot’ woman. My emotions run deep, just as my desires. And I want to be liked for these ‘frailties’ just as my face and body.

That I also can’t counteract with, “Do you realize you were once a fetus/infant brought into this world by a willing mom?” Because that too, would be denigrating. I understand why people say it’s selfish. I mean look at the climate disasters, hardships, wars, hunger, climate disasters and injustices meted on innocent people… these are all legitimate concerns.

However, that is only one way of weighing the human existence. The opposite pan of the weighing scale is equally heavy. Because despite suffering; life contains love, joy, friendship, connections, creativity, meaning. Suffering is not the most important fact of existence.

Children throughout history have been born in harsher conditions than those we have currently. Imagine life before Penicillins were discovered? If everyone had waited for a perfect world in order to reproduce, humanity would have disappeared long ago.

I also find the question often directed, disproportionately, to mothers and pregnant women. Besides the fact that the milk is already spilt, what now if they have decided being a mother is the thing that is fulfilling to their lives? That nurturing a life is what they want to live for?

(PS;I’ll easily choose a child-free life. It could be because of the societal-awakening going on with our generation. Or simply because the nurturing spirit has not yet moved me. Regardless, I recognize that many people become parents by default rather than by choice; it’s a privilege to have a choice.)

Maisha ni kama utando wa buibui; mwembamba, unaangaza kwa umande wa asubuhi,lakini mguso mdogo tu… unapasuka.

Asubuhi na machweo, mamangu alituamsha twende shambani, ya kwamba amepata mnunuzi wa machungwa yake, kwa hivyo twafaa twende tukamchumie. Jameni hata usingizi haujaniacha. Naye mama akasema anayetaka kubaki nyuma basi abaki. Lakini nani angethubutu kubaki kitandani? Ndio mama aseme hasaidiwi? Ndio mama aseme yeye hufanya kazi kama punda ilhali watoto wavivu wamekaa tu? Basi sote tukatoka kuelekea shambani, mioyo mizito, miguu ikiburuta, usingizi bado umetuganda machoni.

Njiani kuelekea shambani kila mtu alikua amejiketia kivyake, apate kumalizia usingizi wake. Gari limejaa kimya, ni kama dunia nzima imeshikilia pumzi.

Tukachuma machungwa, tukayala pia na tukashiba.

Ni vyema kukujuvya, mama ana jirani. Jirani aliyekuwa jirani wa kawaida zamani, lakini muda ukawafanya kuwa rafiki, wakagawana chai, siri, na kimya. Mama pia ana msaidizi wa shamba lake anayeitwa ‘Ndovu’. Jina lenyewe ni kinaya kwa sababu Ndovu mwenyewe ni mfupi na mdogo kupindukia.

Kazi sasa ilikua imeisha, Ndovu naye akaanza kupiga umbeya… kawaida yake. “Unajua jirani ameugua kupindikua,” akasema. “Inafaa uende ukamwone.” Mama naye akazidiwa na huruma. Akajilaumu, ikawaje rafiki yake ameugua na hakua anajua. Ingekua vyema amtembelee na ampe pole. Basi bila kusita, tukainuka.

Tulipofika kwa jirani, hewa ilinibana kifua. Kulikuwa na ukimya uliopiga kambi, ule ukimya unaozungumza kwa sauti kubwa kuliko kelele. Nasi tulikua tumekuja na binamu wangu wadogo, nao walipomwona, wakasimama tisti. Wamepigwa na butwaa, wasije banduka kwa sababu ya mgutuko. Jirani alikuwa amedorora, mkongwe sana, mnyonge wake afya. Alikataa chakula. Alikataa dawa.Macho yake yalikuwa wazi, lakini hayakuonekana kutazama hapa.

Ndani yangu, hofu ikaanza kunenepa. Kwani mimi nimefanya kazi kwa hospitali, na nimeona wagonjwa katika hali yake. Nilijua ishara, niliziona mara nyingi wagonjwa wanaokuwa kimya ghafla, wanaokataa kila kitu, wanaojiandaa kuondoka bila kusema kwaheri. Usiku, usingizi ulinikataa. Akilini nikashinda kufikiria pumzi nzito ya jirani, kikohozi chake kisichoenda. Nilijaribu kujisahaulisha lakini wazo hilo, zito kama wingu haukuniwacha, “Sioni muda ukipita”.

Keshoye, saa nne asubuhi, simu ya mama ikalia, “Hello, Jiranii…”

Mola amlaze pahali pema peponi, Jirani🤍.

Yet there’s this calm that overwhelms me when I attend mass.

It doesn’t come from understanding doctrine or following the readings. In fact, I barely hear them. It’s like the calmness invites me to get lost into my brain, and the readings fly over. Even when I try to concentrate, at least for the Gospel, I just can’t. And the feeling? Like watching hot air balloons float away… and I’m in one of them. Suspended & light.

A stillness that asks nothing of me but mere presence. The strange intimacy of The Mass.

It makes me wonder. Is there a reason for this trend? Now I don’t know if this is a case of loss of context; where people are going to work with corsets over their blouses & wearing table tennis skirts to brunch and dates; but I do know it’s a reaction to something. A reaction to the extreme sexualization girls face due to dressing. A rejection of dressing to please; a rejection of the male-gaze. It is girls reclaiming their bodies because if the clothes are covering, if the clothes are loose-fitting, then the attention shifts from their physical appearance to the creativity of the outfit itself. I’d like to call it, “the death of sexy”.

While I applaud the above, I think there’s something more to the death of sexy and the revival of modesty. Look at my observation on modesty wear at the club, then look at the popularity of milk-maid dresses, the romanticization of aesthetics like clean-girl aesthetic and old-money fashion. The sensationalism of terms like mindful & demure, feminine & elegant. The romanticization of trad-wives. The religion revivalism amongst the youth. How comes a rebellious generation known to be vocal against the ‘system’ is embracing traditional styles and structures?

“But these are trends from the West,” someone would say. Of course these are trends from the West but our youth consumes the same media and then replicates it. Moreover, on the tweet that I pose the question, someone mentions that Kenya is a testing ground for European ideologies; a bit controversial but I could agree.

“But this is just a reaction to modern burnout,” someone would say. Of course, our generation has grown up in an unstable world; both politically and economically. Therefore, a return to traditional structures and religion feels like a return to stability.

Yet when modesty and conservatism comes back en masse, it ultimately begs the question, “Are we being tamed subconsciously?” Let people dress however they please, I have been told… but let’s not forget fashion is political, even when it acts not to be. Over the years, we have seen the female body being displayed or being covered as per the prevailing mood of society. When domesticity, female submission, subservience and repression is being packaged as elegance and softness… what is the prevailing mood of society? This is quite literally the aestheticization of f@scism. By romanticizing these styles, authoritarian movements subtly spread strict gender roles. They silently use fashion as a tool to normalize extremist views, to enforce social and political control… particularly over women. For them, it’s easier to silence the woman first. Go against the said trends and you’ll be seen as a threat to their perceived moral and national order. Go against the said trends and you’ll be called a whore. It’s sad actually, seeing how hard feminists have worked for the liberation of women; to stop these retrogressive expectations imposed on women.

“Gen-Z is here to save us😍.” Quite hilarious 😂. Seeing that tactics to quell our nature to revolt are working very well like this… will we really be the generation that brings change or a continuation of the existing repressive regimes or even worse?

Well, I’m willing to put my critique cloak aside for a moment and admit that when the styling is done correctly, it’s impeccable. 🤌🏽

I’m also willing to acknowledge that fashion is very individual and this could entirely be a woman’s personal choice; but sometimes it’s not bad to pause and ask if this is actually from the self or if it’s something you’ve been told to be…

I think this will be our own undoing, our conceitedness is getting in the way of our growth. These subgroups suffocate collaborations. I’m talking about collaborations between the designers themselves, the curators, the stylists, the models, the fashion enthusiasts, the photographers and so on. Us merely sharing our presence is not enough; we need to interact, to talk to each other and share our ideas. Otherwise connections will be concentrated within specific people excluding talented outsiders. Moreover, younger creatives will struggle to break in and get exposure.

See- fashion needs creativity; it needs experimentation; it needs honest critique.  Such aspects need diverse perspectives from people with different styles/ideas. But in cliques… ideas are often agreeable, so there’s really no risk-taking when everyone goes with what everyone is saying/doing. The result? Creative stagnation! A lack of growth since everyone is trying to fit into a certain group’s standard. That’s why the same aesthetics and designs keep on getting recycled!

And I hate to imagine that there are talented creatives out there, who avoid such events because of the mentality of “Hizo events ni za mabarbie”. A connotation that translates to “rich-kids”. I hate to imagine that there’s more talent out there that cannot access such opportunities, or even get a deserving grant because of clique-culture. (The other thing being that such events are ticketed; not every upcoming creative can afford one, unfortunately adding onto the alienation).

Fashion is everywhere because everyone wears clothes. Fashion is in everything, a form to express the self; it’s for all of us to share. That said, no one is cooler than the other in the scene. The earlier we break this obnoxious notion the better. The earlier we stop with the pretense, the better. If we don’t open up to each other, talent won’t flow freely, there will be no real exchange of skills and ideas and whose industry would that be taking a toll on?

So far I’ve seen one such collaboration between Makasi and Pesos and it’s wonderful to see. Imagine if we had so much more like that? A web that benefits us all, our own ecosystem. If we have a collaboration and I’m able to enter a certain place and share our work/display somewhere, haven’t I hoisted you?