it’s that time of year again—back-to-school shopping.

i can barely contain my excitement as i send my friend a video of everything i bought. the basics: post-its, pens, a spiral notebook, and a water bottle i can’t wait to wash and immediately use.

but then i stop. maybe i should wait.

maybe i shouldn’t rip open the pack of sticky notes or blot the crisp pages of the notebook with my new pens. words that were meant to be written, ideas that were meant to be jotted down quickly, have been brought to a halt.

i should wait, i say.

and for what exactly?

what is it that makes us patiently wait to open something for the “perfect” time?

what is the perfect time, and why should something be ruined if we break this unspoken rule?

we’ve all experienced this phenomenon: we preserve something that’s meant to be worn, used, or loved, and when the time comes, when we finally decide to use it, it’s too late.

and we’re left with a strange feeling of regret. a feeling of “what could have been.” sometimes, it’s not all that serious. but other times, it is.

i bought a lip oil from Dior in 2024. desperate to preserve its unused appearance, i rarely applied it.

sure, Dior products are designed to be used for special occasions, but isn’t our daily life enough? does the routine of our mundane schedule make us less worthy to use Dior?

to that i say absolutely not.

and actually, i only noticed this behavior when my brother pointed it out. we were on our way to this formal gathering when i started to apply my Dior lip oil in the car. he said, “you know it’s a serious event when Natalie wears Dior.”

on the surface, it’s a lighthearted remark. i personally thought it was sweet that he noticed the little things.

but alas, as a girl who loves to take a simple comment and dissect its every word, i started to wonder what that meant in terms of “serious events.” it made me more conscious of everyday decisions. “should i wear that nice top i’ve been saving for that reservation? i’m just going to the store, after all.” or, “i love these shoes, but are they a bit too showy for the movies?”

the answer is: don’t wait.

clothes wear out whether you use them or not. they will rot in the back of your closet each time you put a shirt on its hanger. or every time you throw a folded pair of jeans on the top shelf. you will change, too. life happens and we won’t stay the same either.

another experience i have with this is the use of stickers. as a very meticulous person, i use my stickers as a rare seasoning: carefully deciding where to place them, whether i’ll see this specific item often, if the sticker is “good” enough to be used.

eventually months pass, and i’ll find these stickers at the bottom of my memory box, just a reminder of how time will pass, regardless of whether you used these things or not.

the other day i was going through one of my memory boxes (a routine i complete at least every 2-3 months). the artifacts i found are clear proof that our lives are always in motion. this treasure box allows me to sit in silence and reflect on my memories—the good and the bad. they give me the confidence and hope to live each day with gratitude.

because soon enough, these days i’m living in—the ones filled with laughter, tears, and love—will be stuffed away in a box, waiting for someone to relive them through a birthday card, a funny message, or something that defined the exact situation and feeling i experienced.

we’re not guaranteed that special dinner, that night out with friends, or some other occasion where it seems “acceptable” to use that article of clothing, lipstick, or whatever it may be.

i’m sure we’ve all heard the expression “today is that special moment,” and lately, that’s the most important thing to me.

after experiencing a crisis where someone i love will never get to use the things she loves anymore, i take that saying to heart.

summer is winding down.

shelves are stocked with pumpkins, scarecrows, and everything in between.

but before we shift completely into the autumn season, i’d like to slow down and appreciate the little things that make this seasonal transition so memorable.

university

i never liked the idea of putting a pause on my studies for such long periods of time. i feel as if my mind won’t be as sharp in that subject if i just store it away for months. however, things are looking bright as my first day back at uni is just over two weeks away. and even if you aren’t as jazzed about school starting as i am, i always find creating a pinterest board helps bring a sense of inspiration.

• study inspo: blair waldorf

and speaking of inspiration, this fall i’ve chosen Blair Waldorf as someone to emulate through her confident mindset and strategic work ethic.

Read more

a little too confident.

i had all my paperwork printed out and neatly organized in a folder. parallel parking? a breeze. reversing in a straight line? i could do that in my sleep! i felt i had complete control over the vehicle and expected to be handed my temporary license at the end of the test.

then came the road test.

after many shaky turns and jerking stops at the red light, my driving proctor told me i should go ahead and reschedule. blindly, i nodded in agreement as she explained my faults and what i should work on for next time.

i immediately felt my stomach lurch and experienced that uncomfortable sensation of my eyes heating up when i was stressed or nervous—something i couldn’t control.

control had left my body. i lost my sense of calm composure. i had no regulation of what came next—not my emotions, my reaction, or even the steering wheel.

all that was echoing in my head was ‘failure’ and ‘you’re not good enough.’

believe me, i know. it’s just a driving test. it’s not a medical licensure exam, a college entrance exam, or something along those lines that directly impact your future.

but to me, it was.

i wanted to prove to myself that i could do this. i had finished high school, got accepted into a university, and i felt this was the next accomplishment that would not only benefit me, but the people around me (thank you to my parents for being my personal chauffeurs all these years).

i thought i could count on myself to do this one simple thing.

turns out that even though you may have prepared for every possible situation (like having practiced parallel parking 100 times or having your driving application filled out weeks before), life will hand you something unexpected. every. time.

the answer isn’t perfection. of course, it is good to be prepared in most cases. but being over prepared like i was resulted in shaken nerves, anxiety, and an overall feeling of helplessness.

i think this feeling stems from the expectation that if everything is set up correctly, nothing should go wrong.

this invisible pressure is inevitably what breaks us down.

personally, i’m always the person who plans my day meticulously, skims the menu at a place i’ve been before, and even has my suitcase packed a week early. there is no changing who i am, and i’ve learned to make the best of it.

another setback occurred during the dreaded SATs.

what, like it’s hard?

during my sophomore and junior year of high school i was studying relentlessly for the SATs—specifically for the math portion.

after weeks of preparation, the day of the exam came. the results of the test nearly left me in the “depths of despair.”

three points.

that’s all it was.

i had scored three points lower than my target goal.

i knew i had no other choice but to retake it. because for me, there was no other option than to go to college.

naturally, the first thing i decided to do was rewatch Legally Blonde.

while rewatching the movie i focused more on Elle Woods’ setbacks, her doubts, and the people she surrounds herself with. i came to find many similarities between her journey and my own.

like Elle, i wandered into unknown territory when i began looking at universities to apply to.

we also shared a great support system. the girls she lived with weren’t just roommates—they were her family. just like they stood by Elle through her setbacks, my family stood by me when i scored under the mark.

so i retook the exam.

and i met my goal.

when i got home that day, i felt just like Elle when her LSAT score came in: the dedication, sleepless nights, and relentless effort finally paid off.

maybe Elle’s iconic line, “what, like it’s hard?” doesn’t mean that things aren’t difficult—they are.

but once you climb over that mountain of doubt, no matter how challenging it may seem, you come out on the other side a new person—someone who doesn’t let fear get in their way. someone like Elle.

i will continue to use her as my inspiration whenever i feel that urge to give up. she persevered, and she became the version of herself she didn’t even believe existed.

i just have to keep telling myself that not all experiences are good, but failure and setbacks are what make success all the more meaningful.

for me, Elle Woods’ drive and confidence has inspired me to remain steadfast during turmoil, and i hope you find what keeps you grounded in your life, too.

so yes, i’ll still keep vainly trying to control every aspect of my life. but i’ve learned that no matter how hard you prepare, how much you feel in control, failure is always a possibility.

i’m ashamed to say, at the least, i was prejudiced toward this trilogy, believing it to be ‘too fantasy’ for my liking, and i subconsciously created this dogma that people who watched The Lord of the Rings were big-time nerds—without even experiencing a glimpse of this spectacular work.

by the time i finally caved, it was too late, and i’m left regretting the time wasted.

my heart’s deepest desire is to discuss the movies with her. but i can’t.

full disclosure

before diving into this essay, i would like to note that spoilers will be mentioned, and that i have not yet read all the books in the trilogy (I’m currently halfway into The Two Towers). i have however, just finished watching these films.

all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

in this scene, Frodo is anxious about the perilous journey to come. Gandalf shines his wisdom upon him and tells Frodo that yes, horrible things happen in life, we may experience something we wish was not real or that it never happened. nevertheless, these things will happen in life, and it is up to us to decide how we deal with such hardships. i love this quote specifically because you can gather insight from it on several levels.

when my dear aunt suddenly passed from this earth four months ago, i was crushed. devastated. my life uprooted. using these adjectives makes me sick because i can’t find any words to fully describe it. i cannot fathom it has been so long, and yet it feels so short. somedays, she is the only thing on my mind. i can never shake her and i never want to. she lives as a part of me now.

so yes, in that moment i was Frodo. i still am. Frodo, who desperately wishes that the ring had never come to him, longs for the peaceful Shire and is scared of the unknown.

i’ve come to realize many quotes by Gandalf seem as if he is speaking directly to me for a specific purpose in this specific time in my life. it is as if i were meant to watch these movies right now. i understand and feel every word he speaks better than if i watched these movies at a different time. it is sometimes the only comfort i receive from an outside source. and it means even more to me knowing that my aunt absolutely loved this trilogy. i feel like i am paying her homage by watching these, and what Gandalf has to say has been revelatory.

in the last few days i had with her on this earth, we talked, we laughed, and pretended that, for just a few moments, everything was perfect.

like he says, “all that we have to decide is what to do with the time given to us,” and in this time, i will continue to honor her, share her stories, and watch films she loved so that i can still feel close to her through the stories and characters she cherished.

many that live deserve death. and some that die deserve life. can you give it to them? then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. for even the very wise cannot see all ends.

i love looking at this quote through a Christian view, and i’d like to separate it into three sections.

firstly, we do not bring life into the world—God does. all life is sacred. it is true: life is unfair at times. we hear so many stories daily on the news and social media about innocent people losing their lives cruelly or in an unjust way. many of these stories are too horrible to read about, which leads many people to wonder if there even is a God at all.

the next part of Gandalf’s quote really speaks to me. if we, mortal humans, do not have the power and capability to freely give life, who are we to decide to take it away? it is something far out of our control that should always be given up to God.

the young perish; the old linger

lastly, the part of the quote which mentions the wise.

moving on to the second part of The Lord of the Rings, King Théoden mourns the death of his son who was slain while battling Saruman’s orcs. the grief of losing one’s child is incomprehensible, something i’ve had to witness firsthand. my aunt was my grandparents’ baby. she was so blessed to have both her parents with her for her entire life—which has led me to make a more conscious effort to be grateful for that every day. every moment i have with my parents will not be taken for granted. each smile, embrace, inside joke, lecture, and everything in between is precious to me.

when King Théoden says “no parent should have to bury their child,” it reminded me of the immeasurable pain my grandparents had to experience. he also describes the recent days as ‘evil’ and states the unjust circumstance of the young perishing and the old lingering. however, as the music gradually cascades, Gandalf reassures Théoden that his son’s spirit will be reunited with his fathers. these words were very profound and continue to have an impact on me. they made me ponder over the comforting reality that one day we will be reunited with our late family members.

good in the world

as we reach the end of The Two Towers, Sam leaves us with an inspirational monologue. it seems all too much for Frodo to keep going; he believes he will never see his friends again, let alone make it alive to Mordor. Sam inspires Frodo by shifting the perspective from hopelessness to a journey filled with it. that even as we walk through darkness, it will pass to let a new day rise. “even darkness must pass. a new day will come.” and in the end, that’s what really matters. these past months my family has been shrouded in darkness, wondering if we should keep going at all. Frodo wonders this exact thing as to why they should hold on to hope anymore. Sam answers with holding on to the good in this world. and that, is the most valuable thing worth fighting for.

white shores

we’ve now reached The Return of the King—arguably the best movie of the trilogy. amidst the battle of Minas Tirith, a small and quiet moment passes between Gandalf and Pippin (aka, the ‘Fool of a Took’). with their enemies swarming the perimeter, Pippin was convinced that this was it, this was the way they were going to go, and there was nothing left.

Gandalf then tells him that death is simply a part of life that we must all endure. that once the sorrow of this world has passed, a new one shall emerge filled with white shores beyond imagination; running through green pastures alongside a beautiful scenery. he reassures Pippin that this is what awaits us after death. and like Pippin’s faith, i have found the strength to believe that is where my aunt rests now.

it is a great comfort to know what comes next, however, the time and circumstance we are called remains unknown.

don’t go where i can’t follow

frozen in fear and shock was my state during this scene. after Frodo absorbed a brutal stab by Shelob, i seriously believed his life was taken from him. i was not however, reassuring myself of the large amount of time remaining, but completely taking in every aspect of this scene. what really stuck out to me was when a teary-eyed Sam said “don’t leave me here alone! it’s your Sam calling. don’t go where i can’t follow!” this immediately reminded me of the scripture John 13:36, where Jesus says, “Where I am going, you cannot follow me now, though you will follow later.”

Ultimately, He is speaking about his death and later resurrection. it connects so well in this scene because Sam is confused and scared, just as Jesus’ disciples were during the time of his passion. Both Sam and the disciples could not comprehend what was happening and how to deal with it. however, it is their faith and love that carry them to the end of their journey.

do you remember the shire, Mr. Frodo

as mentioned before, i have not yet read the entire trilogy. so when Sam was saying these words to Frodo i thought (again) this was it. Frodo was going to spend his last moments not relishing in glory for destroying the ring, but recounting what was his days of glory living as a humble hobbit in the peaceful shire. and that, i believe, would have been a lovely way to go.

conclusion

i am grateful you’ve made it this far. thank you for taking the time to read my story, my newfound love for this trilogy, and how certain books/films can drastically change your outlook on life.

this can hopefully be your sign to cherish the small moments with the people you love while you have them on this earth. so watch that movie with them. discuss that book together. these will be the things you carry with you for the rest of your life.

although i never got the chance to enjoy these movies with her, she lives on for me through Tolkien’s marvelous work.

i hope this essay finds those who are heartbroken, mourning, or anything in between, and that they find comfort through these words. for anyone carrying a loss of their own, you are in my heart always.

and maybe one day, when my own journey on this earth is complete and i pass on to the white shores and green pastures, i can finally fulfill my wish and talk with my aunt about all the reasons she loved Middle-Earth so much.

despite the many ups and downs i’ve endured over the past months, here are the upcoming films, media, mini-projects, and more that i plan to engage in.

The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit trilogy

This month, I have taken upon myself the task of completing both The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit trilogy. of course, it will be a few months before i finish watching and reading both works. it is more than a task however, but a journey i anticipate starting.

watercolor calendars

it may seem that i am late to the trend, but that is exactly when i prefer to discover it—when the excitement has been soothed so i can enjoy the trend without the buzz and rush of excessive consumerism.

calico critters

taken straight from the pages of my childhood, these delicate figurines feel like a distant memory slowly piecing itself back together.

cute everyday hairstyles

i am challenging myself to take some time out of my morning to do a cute hairstyle before work to elevate my overall appearance as well as to try some new styles—instead of reverting to the classic french braid. my inspiration stems from the double dutch and fishtail braid, a sophisticated low ponytail, and many other techniques to bring whimsy into my everyday life.

sustainable coffee

making coffee at home has quickly become a habit for me. this month, i wish to perfect my coffee routine with homemade syrups and mastering the art of using a moka pot. by brewing my coffee on the stove, it allows me to be intentional with my morning routine while appreciating the little details of a new day.

shades of black cherry

as we enter july, i want to immerse myself in signature colors and shades. one of them is black cherry. for me, the perfect way to do so is with a pretty lip product. i recently purchased Almost Lipstick by Clinique in the shade ‘Black Honey.’ it is a gorgeous mix of deep red and hints of mauve, something i will continue wearing long after the summer months have passed.

switzerland

circling back to The Lord of the Rings, i plan to someday take a trip to the quaint town of Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland—the location where J.R.R Tolkien gathered inspiration for the elf kingdom, Rivendell. its natural charm and breathtaking scenery make this town feel like it was written out of a storybook.

thank you for making it to the end of my July lookbook. comment your favorite thing from this article as well as something you’re looking forward to this month!

my response?

“i want to be famous.”

see you in the movies

now, at five years old, i probably meant i wanted to be an actress like liv rooney from Liv and Maddie, or a pop star like Ariana Grande. and if i’m being honest, there isn’t much that’s changed. i’m still that little girl wishing to one day, become “famous.” my idea of “being famous” was shaped around actresses and singers, and i took a few steps during my childhood to experience a glimpse of that feeling.

when i was around six years old, my whole world revolved around this frozen jr. show i did at my local theatre. i played elsa, and from there i knew this was my calling. however, i wasn’t one of those kids who practically grew up in theatre, so by the time i was around 14-15 and tried to get back into it, i felt like a stranger within the class full of kids who got their first job as an infant and whose dad is the casting director.

in elementary school, i really took initiative and begged my mom to get me signed with a casting agency. my best friend at the time had just landed a commercial role for My Little Pony, and i too was determined to start my acting career. during a meeting with the casting agency, the lady decided she wanted to sign me. afterwards, my mom made the decision to back out of the opportunity. she felt it wasn’t a good environment for me to be in. being 10 or 11, my mom didn’t want me to be exposed to a world where you are forced to fix your “insecurities” or feel like you will never measure up to their unrealistic expectations.

i didn’t understand at the time, but i can say now i appreciate how much she loves me. she wanted to protect me from unnecessary damage that would have wounded my mental image at such a young and vulnerable age.

but that experience didn’t slow me down. when i entered middle school, it was a perfect place to explore new opportunities. i participated in talent shows and even landed a few major roles such as Belle in Beauty and the Beast, and Cinderella in Into the Woods. and again, i felt myself thriving in those places. i surrounded myself with people who were supportive and genuine. i built friendships with people i could relate to and who shared similar values. if you’ve been around my publication for some time, you may be aware of my latest role. i recently got cast in my university’s production of Dakota Gray—an adaptation of one of my favorite classic novels—The Picture of Dorian Gray.

you could not imagine how much i felt like myself again.

that i’ve still got it.

that even though i haven’t stepped in an auditorium in years, i was still being recognized for my passion and talent.

however, amidst these positive outcomes, there’s a pit in my stomach that is slowly devouring my insides. i hate to sound pessimistic, but i know this isn’t permanent. no, i’m not actually a famous actress like i promised seven-year-old natalie i would be. i’m not performing at NYU like my childhood dream, but rather, the local university. when in reality, i am thousands of miles away from los angeles, the city of stars, where ‘fame’ is born.

i sometimes wonder if it’s even worth it, if it will lead anywhere. but i can’t think like that. i can’t let those close-minded thoughts get to me, get in the way of my dream. it really is true what Tomas said to Nina Sayers in Black Swan.

you could be brilliant, but you’re a coward

is it cowardly to not chase your dreams? to not risk it all and choose the ‘safer,’ more ‘realistic’ career?

this brings me to my next point.

the fools who dream

in La La Land, mia is a struggling actress, getting by through her job as a barista. she perseveres despite numerous casting rejections, but eventually decides to give up on her dream. what she doesn’t realize is that she has created this amazing person who would not have existed had it not been for her dreams and fiery determination.

what kind of person would she have been if she hadn’t gathered the courage to follow her dream to begin with?

what kind of person would she become if she chose to give up on her dream forever?

i don’t want to give up. i want to be like her.

so why am i pursuing the ‘safe’ choice?

i’m currently a psychology major, planning to become a child clinical psychologist—safe and familiar. but recently, i’ve started to rethink that path. working at a summer camp with young children has given me a more hands-on experience, and it’s made me wonder if pediatric occupational therapy might be a good fit. nothing is set in stone, but it’s something i’ve been considering.

the songs in my closet

then there’s the music aspect of my lifelong dream.

while attempting to declutter my closet, i stumbled upon a notebook filled with songs and lyrics that i wrote about 7 years ago. i dropped the random junk in my hands and immediately sat down to digest my findings.

it was like i struck gold.

i began writing songs when i was twelve years old, right about when the pandemic started. i didn’t know what i was doing half the time, i just needed a place to organize and express my thoughts through something i found comforting—music. the acoustic guitar and my coveted notebook quickly became my anchor during the chaos of 2020. i then worked to create music that was meaningful to me. i even went so far as to buy recording materials such as digital software and microphone equipment. and there i was again, taking my own steps to reach my dreams. i posted covers and original songs on youtube, instagram, and soundcloud. i had a vision to film my own at-home music video.

and then i stopped.

and as i’m writing this i still can’t figure out why. why i can’t just commit to something and get it done. does that mean when something gets hard or when something is worth working hard for i just quit? give up because it’s easier? it might have been school, financial consideration, or something else that took my attention away from doing the thing i love, but my discovery of these artifacts has inspired me to start writing again.

living the dream

if you were to ask me today what i want to be when i grow up, at the age of 19, i would say:

a writer. actress. singer. psychologist. film director. elementary teacher. fashion designer. photographer. baker. professor.

my whole life, i’ve been so caught up in trying to achieve the level and status i believed were acceptable to these titles—when in reality, i’ve been living my dream all along.

i am a writer; which means i am brave enough to let strangers read my essays that i pour my heart into.

i am a baker; which means i’ve been baking boxed cake with my mom since i was four, and now i help her make sourdough on the weekends.

i am an actress; which means i carry a little piece of every character i’ve ever played, so who cares if Hollywood is unaware?

and lastly, i am a singer. i sing and play guitar at my local church while writing sappy love songs at 11 o’clock at night. so who cares if the Grammys are unaware?

you are what you believe you are. what you believe you will become. who you will become.

if five-year-old me wants to be ‘famous,’ to an extent, i’m already living my childhood dream.

so who cares if the whole world is still unaware?

so here i am amidst my messy room, my hair up, and a brand-new article to write.

essence of earl grey

my mom and i have become obsessed with anything and everything earl grey. from multiple cups of the black tea a day, to a divine earl grey loaf topped with an orange glaze that we plan to make together <3

you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love

like many others, i am impatiently counting down the days until the release of olivia rodrigo’s third album, you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love. by listening to the first three songs set to be on the album, i believe this will be her most heart-wrenching masterpiece yet.

handwritten letters

i have written countless letters to my aunt who currently lives in vermont. this way of communication is more heartfelt and intentional than a text message. this way, we can send each other little pieces of ourselves while expressing our thoughts in a meaningful way—where each inked word really matters.

fashion:

• babydoll dresses

famous for their feminine nature, babydoll dresses are rising in popularity. having owned a few myself, i am eager to style them as the summer months approach.

• brown leather boots

i recently scored at my local secondhand shop and found these gorgeous knee length brown leather boots. perfect for fall and summer, these quickly became a staple in my wardrobe, while carrying that iconic jane birkin vibe.

• lace detailing

a soft feminine look, breathable lace sets are officially my at-home summer uniform.

atonement

this film is one i am i finally getting around to watching. i must say, i am rebelling against my own ‘rule’ that movie adaptations should be watched after reading the book. however, my interest in watching this film has peaked after discovering how many notable actors star in this movie, and i could not resist. despite being only fifteen minutes in, i am completely enthralled by the film’s design, color palette, and overall composition (that definitely deserves its own in-depth review, which i plan to eventually write).

floral and whimsy notes

my mom and i love to try new perfumes—and this pack of two LoveShackFancy mini fragrances did not disappoint. Forever in Love smells exactly like a stroll through a garden that is blooming with fresh gardenia flowers.

curriculums and look books

lastly, i’d like to highlight a couple curriculums and look books cultivated by beloved writers <3

chloe discusses the vibe for june, which includes rose essence, warm tea, and tapping into her childhood whimsy.

aurora recounts her favorites from the month of bloom—may. she quotes anton chekhov, and will be rotating ballet flats and silk dresses all summer long.

it’s her smile, her mannerisms, her laugh.

the girl everyone gravitates to. the girl who can make an entire room full of strangers feel like family.

the girl that can instantly bond with people while i have to muster courage to speak to someone or i blunder like an idiot when the barista goes off script and asks me where i got my top from.

i don’t know how she does it, and it’s driving me mad.

and who is this girl?

i’m not sure she exists. but this version of myself does.

the version i wish to become but is restricted by some external force: social anxiety, self-consciousness, or self-doubt.

i’m used to being a relatively confident person. but when i imagine her, the walls of my identity start crumbling down.

the last thing i want to do is compare myself—so maybe i could learn from her.

small talk

casual conversation and small talk are my undoing. and the fact that she does it with such ease baffles me.

i’ve always been the girl who’s friendly towards everyone, never the one that quickly created deep relationships. i keep my friends far and acquaintances even farther.

with people i should be familiar with, my mind goes completely blank and i suddenly don’t know the answers to the routine small talk prompts:

“what are you studying”

“where are you going to school”

“how’s everything been?” “good!”

my mind is constantly racing with the next subject to bring up, whether i asked enough about their weekend to be polite, and to MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT. for some reason when i’m rambling i tend to look ANYWHERE else but directly at a person (something i’m actively working on).

i mean, do people actually enjoy this? if so, i wouldn’t know.

the kathleen kelly complex

i want to be the person with snappy comments, the one who responds with a witty remark when someone jokes around with you. but i always laugh it off, pretend i don’t hear, or the classic “yeah right!”

then i proceed to spend the next two hours thinking about what i could have said, but it’s like she had that comeback in her back pocket.

a perfect example of this is kathleen kelly in You’ve Got Mail. a timeless film set in the late 90s in new york city. she too, struggles with expressing herself in tense situations and insists her mind goes blank. she wants to be capable of coming up with “the exact thing you want to say at the exact time you want to say it.”

that scene has always stuck with me.

is it really possible that i’m not the only one who feels that way? and why is it that these remarks come so naturally to some, and to others, it takes them all night figuring out what they could have said?

thank you kathleen kelly, for making me feel seen.

sweetest torture

i believe now it’s that time of the article where i accept my true behavior and stop comparing it to others. however, i can’t help but attribute these feelings to olivia rodrigo’s song, lacy.

olivia says that lacy poisons every little thing she does. this girl who can take control of any situation she finds herself in, can charm any person she encounters, and is effortlessly perfect. lacy is a reminder of everything that olivia is not.

but you’re not her. and neither am i.

so we’re back to the awkward conversations. the ones left in the air because there was nothing you could think of to say. and to grow is to realize that that’s okay.

thinking i’ll get farther if i act like her or that i’m not doing enough because i didn’t laugh that hard at the joke doesn’t make me any less interesting, funny, or likeable.

that mindset just makes me insecure, anxious, and an overthinker. words that i would never use to describe who i am.

to wrap up, don’t be like me. continue being the girl you were born to be—expressive, thoughtful, introspective, elegant, intelligent, witty.

regardless of the way you present yourself—soft-spoken or bold, a quiet listener or the proud debater—whatever way you decide to show that to the world, is perfect.

But something along those lines.

The thought that I have yet to experience a romantic relationship is, at the very least, a melancholic reminder of my heart’s greatest and most hidden desire. With social media and society everywhere pushing this normalcy of relationships often pressure others to either force a relationship, or feel embarrassed and isolated by not engaging in one.

Despite having my fair share of crushes throughout the years (hence the name), there was no point in time where the opportunity arose. But I mean really, how many ‘hopeless romantic’ playlists can a girl make?

Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice has taught me that love often reveals itself in the most unexpected places, quiet gestures can express a thousand words, and that the greatest revelation is self-growth—as we see Elizabeth Bennet develops sensibility, humility, and understanding throughout the novel.

First impressions

First impressions can reveal a tremendous amount about a person. In Elizabeth’s case, she immediately interprets Mr. Darcy’s cold and serious demeanor as arrogance, haughtiness, and excessive pride, without considering his discomfort of meeting new people.

On the other hand, Mr. Darcy is initially put off by Elizabeth’s family because of their chaotic and socially unacceptable behavior. During the epic confession scene, Mr. Darcy attempts to reconcile his internal conflict regarding his developing feelings for Elizabeth, revealing the tension between affection, pride, and social impropriety displayed by her family.

Silent gestures speak the loudest

Within two months of dating, my dad knew he wanted to marry my mom. He flew nearly 1,000 miles to go ring shopping with the guidance of his sister. If that isn’t a modern-day Mr. Darcy, i don’t know what is (though, in reality, my parents are more of a Jane and Mr. Bingley—but that’s an article for another time).

You must know…surely, you must know it was all for you.

Not only was Mr. Darcy able to discover Lydia and Wickham’s location, but he also paid the expenses of their impulsive elopement to protect the Bennet family from social ruin. Above all, he purposefully chose to keep his actions secret. He was not searching for validation, praise, or acceptance—he performed this deed out of his unwavering love for Elizabeth.

These are the kinds of measures a man will take that prove he is wholeheartedly devoted to you.

Self-growth and acceptance

Towards the end of her story Elizabeth Bennet becomes a person unrecognizable by her former self. She learns that her assumptions may not always be correct at first glance, and she came to understand the value of trust and how to carefully choose who deserves it.

Similar to Elizabeth Bennet’s evolution in character, I too have evolved my comprehension of this sensitive subject over the years. A relationship is not meant to be glorified over social media in ways of idolization or excessive romanticism. But rather, something that kindles softly in one’s heart, a partnership gently cherished through respect, admiration, and a genuine care for the other person (at least that’s what i take away from this).

So i’ll keep waiting for my Mr. Darcy.

Because i’d rather be an Elizabeth Bennet than settle for anything less.

Growing up, I’ve always had a strong sense of self. There’s a picture of me on my first day of pre-school at three years old: backpack strapped on, lunchbox in hand, and an eager grin as I walked into the classroom.

16 years later, I am still her—though most are unaware.

It wasn’t until recently that I began to truly analyze my behavior toward others in a public setting. Perhaps it was my social psychology unit that sparked this curiosity about the way I interact with the people around me.

What I found very quickly is, almost every individual I come into contact with on a regular basis is unfamiliar with my true personality. Of course, there are settings where I suppress my sarcasm or jokes as a way of coping with stress. Nevertheless, the art of being perceived has captured my attention—and I’m on the verge of dissecting each version of Natalie that the world has acquainted itself with.

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Revealing Small Details

Who are you? Have I analyzed enough to trust this person? What thin slices of behavior have I been exposed to, and what do I make out of it?

As we grow older, we start to conceal parts of ourselves we deem unacceptable in society; we determine an innate trait is unattractive to the public, that we should shy away from our true desires and needs instead of expressing them. “Maybe they don’t actually care about my day, they’re just being polite.” And there goes another small detail about me that remains undiscovered. A small detail that would have revealed a completely different side of me they never knew existed.

I seldom inform acquaintances about my travels, where I just arrived from, or the reason I’ll miss a few days of work or school. And no, it is not to remain mysterious or because of a dislike to converse with others, but for an entirely different reason. I adopted this behavior predominantly by observing my parents—naturally reserved people who only allow a select few into their close circle.

The Four Temperaments

The other day I engaged in conversation with my mom and aunt, two women whose opinions and thoughts I cherish dearly. We were discussing temperaments and personality, topics I have always found fascinating—I absolutely relish the act of dissecting every little behavior one may practice, and assigning it a name that explains why a person acts the way they do.

My aunt is fairly knowledgeable in the four temperaments: Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic, and Phlegmatic. While both my mom and aunt identify as Melancholic, I believe myself to be a Melancholy-Sanguine. This temperament combination describes a person to be highly expressive while engaging in deep thought. While not a full-fledged Sanguine (extroverted, center of attention), I will express classic traits of this temperament with people I am truly comfortable with.

The discovery of the four temperaments has allowed me to understand myself better, as well as the people I interact with on a daily basis. It has finally given me a concrete meaning of most of my own behaviors, which allows me to understand who I truly am while understanding how others perceive me.

Being Perceived in Real Time

There was one instance where someone’s comment made me step back and reconsider the way people view me.

In one situation I was hanging out with a friend from class at a casual restaurant. As the conversation wound down, she said out of nowhere, “You seem like you belong to an ivy league school, like the way you compose yourself, your mannerisms, the way you dress, just feels like you should be going to an ivy league school like Yale or something.” Nevertheless, we attend the local public university.

I was caught off guard, because yes, even though I take careful consideration on how I present myself to the outside world, I never expected someone to actually tell me the assumptions and attributions they had formed about me. At the same time, it made me feel proud that people were seeing me as this dream person I wish to become one day. It also made me realize I have the potential to grow into the person I wish to become, in ways I had never imagined before.

What This Means For You

My hope to anyone who has felt this way before—conflicted about their true personality because of the way they act around others, or fearful that others do not perceive you in the way they perceive themselves—is that there is an explanation for it all. We sometimes fall into the trap of acting “fake,” or like the person we wish to become. Not that it is necessarily a bad thing, but something we should be aware of. Whether you find yourself through reflection, personality types, or conversations with those who know you well, perception is an art, and one we call, subjective.

Rom-coms

Playful romance, fun storylines, and a tale that always ends happily—rom-coms are a perfect way to enjoy the beginning of spring.

1. 27 Dresses

This one is for the fashion girls. Jane Nichols has been a bridesmaid for 27 weddings, dreaming of the day where she gets to experience her own. This quirky film is full of laughs, while perfectly including the bright florals and patterns of spring!

2. Enchanted

Giselle (Amy Adams), our bubbly and optimistic lead gets magically transported from her perfect forest wonderland, to the bustling streets of New York City. Starring alongside Patrick Dempsey, the two develop a loving relationship through the struggles of change and loss.

3. 13 going on 30

Fashion editor Jenna Rink (Jennifer Gardener) adjusts to her bustling new life—after just being 13 the night before! After reconnecting with her childhood best friend, Matt (Mark Ruffalo), she navigates her career, friendships, and ultimately decides to accept who she is with the people that know her best.

4. 10 Things I Hate About You

Independent and outspoken Kat Stratford (Julia Styles), is a girl most wouldn’t want to mess with. Perfectly paired with Patrick Verona (Heath Ledger), the two engage in an unlikely relationship that reveals their true colors. This classic teen romance set in Seattle brings out all the high-school feels.

5. Notting Hill

There’s nothing better than a rom-com set around a bookshop in a cozy London neighborhood. Witty humor, rich friendships, and a front-page-paper worthy romance is what Notting Hill has to offer. Julia Roberts delivers her famous line, “I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a girl, asking him to love her.”

Period Pieces

My all-time favorite genre most definitely deserves its own section. Although period pieces are perfect year-round, here are a few that brings out the beautiful aspects of spring—blooming romances, gorgeous mansions, and all the luxury a girl would wish for.

6. Emma

Emma Woodhouse, loved by all (despite her meddling ways), brings the joy of spring through lovely dresses, dainty paintings, and the occasional picnic with friends. Childhood friend, Mr. Knightly, is the only one to call Emma out on her frivolous behavior, which from sends them into a sweet, unexpected relationship.

7. Pride and prejudice

The original enemies-to-lovers trope—Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. Elizabeth’s fiery spirit in contrast to Mr. Darcy’s reserved disposition makes for an epic love story. Adapted from Jane Austen’s novel written in 1813, the film correctly depicts the books witty humor and rich characters.

8. Sense and sensibility

You can easily recognize a Jane Austen film adaptation when the two heroines are sisters. Elenor, the eldest, composes herself in a reserved manner, hiding her inner feelings. Marianne on the other hand, wears her heart on her sleeve. The contrast of these lovable characters and the awkward situations they find themselves in is a joy to watch.

9. Marie Antoinette

The iconic queen of France—for better or for worse. Kirsten Dunst stars in this film directed by Sofia Coppola. Known for its aesthetics and beautiful scenery, this film is sure to put you in the spring mood.

Honorable Mention

Finally, the movie that practically made me into who I am today, Tangled. The deep love I have for this movie goes way beyond the songs and adorable animal sidekicks, but the emotional connection I feel for the characters is what has me ‘tangled’ up in this movie.

10. Tangled

Locked away in a tower, Rapunzel’s lifelong dream is to see the lanterns shine on her birthday. She spends her time engaging in dozens of hobbies like baking, reading, and painting. With the help of Flynn Ryder, the two embark on an adventure she will never forget.

Spoilers ahead

The quotation marks surrounding the title perfectly describe the film—it does not portray a faithful adaptation, nor is that its intention in the slightest. Although I do believe this film could have been its own entity entirely, that didn’t stop me from enjoying certain parts, which we’ll discuss now.

Cathy & Heathcliff

First off, I love how the movie focused almost entirely on Catherine and Heathcliff. It portrayed their “love” as obsessive, full of yearning, and even ill-intentioned at times. Catherine’s character is everything you’d expect her to be—foolish, selfish, self-centered, and bratty. Yet, Heathcliff’s desire for her never falters. From the beginning, Heathcliff shows his love for Cathy by taking blows and consequences he never deserved.

The rain scenes. I greatly appreciated having not one, but two dramatic rain scenes (if you know me, I live for a dramatic confession in the rain), and they definitely did not disappoint. When Heathcliff confesses his deep devotion for Cathy, he reveals he will continue to wait for her until she realizes her mistake of choosing Linton.

It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff.

In this line, Catherine reveals a heart pulled in two directions: her burning love for Heathcliff and the safety in a stable husband, Edgar Linton. Dejected after hearing her confession, Heathcliff leaves, forcing Cathy toward Linton. With Linton as her husband, her life completely alters. She is introduced to the expectations of becoming a lady, showered with gifts, and placed in a house filled with exquisite rooms and furniture. Yet, she is unhappy. She yearns for Heathcliff daily, the words she never got to speak still burning within her.

Dark Eyed Sailor

The song during Catherine’s wedding procession was the most perfect use of audio in the entire film. Had we been given a loud, dramatic track from Charlie XCX (which I still loved), the intimacy of this scene would have been lost. The gentle flow of Cathy’s veil, the deep cello, the beautifully haunting vocals—the silence of a girl who was once exploding with feeling, now gone quiet. Her surroundings cease to exist in that moment; there is only the grief of what could have been. Although days have passed, this question lingers: if Catherine knows she is marrying a man she cannot love with her whole soul, why go through with it? Is she trying to survive without Heathcliff, who, as she once confessed, is “more myself than I am,” the very essence of her being, or is she quietly throwing her life away, now that Heathcliff is “gone”? Catherine knows she is making the wrong decision, and she walks straight into it anyway.

Isabella Linton

There was not a scene in the film where Isabella appeared and the audience wasn’t completely enthralled by her performance. Alison Oliver effortlessly portrays Isabella as the perfect-little-sister-who-likes-you-a-bit-too-much. The tension between Isabella and Heathcliff, and with Catherine threatening to intrude, creates its own intriguing subplot. What I did not like, however, was how in the film Isabella was degraded to the lowest possible level following her marriage to Heathcliff. In the novel, she is a strong young woman who took responsibility for her life and safety by leaving him and raising a son on her own. In the film, however, it’s well, different.

Hair, Costumes, Makeup, and Set Design

The visuals were absolutely stunning in this film. Given that the costumes did not align with the period, one cannot deny that Catherine’s wardrobe was breathtaking. Her hairstyles and makeup looks, intricate and beautiful, displayed a purpose in each scene. During her time at Wuthering Heights, her hair and makeup reflected her wild and carefree spirit, which later became confined to perfect braids and carefully arranged styles, mirroring the controlled environment closing in on her. I was especially impressed by the extravagant rooms at Thrushcross Grange—each one conveying a distinct emotion.

The interiors felt designed from twisted dreams—strange and unsettling. The atmosphere made it seem as if Catherine was living a surreal nightmare, one that had turned into her reality.

The Haunting Wish

Catherine’s slow death filled the theatre with stunned grief, as Heathcliff arrives too late to say goodbye. In desperation, he clings to her and begs her to haunt him. Their obsession and devotion, disguised as love, ultimately led to their downfall.

Concluding Remarks

What I can take away, however, is this: millions of readers may have experienced the novel for the first time—and that is not something to look down upon. Although this film included many aspects I appreciated, we can all agree it did not measure up to Emily Brontë’s novel. No film ever will. As adaptations continue to be made, the original, brilliant authors to whom we owe these stories will never go unnoticed.

To analyze a beloved novel is daunting; however, much like Jane herself, I’ve gathered courage to carefully write a piece that has struck my heart with profound significance.

Jane Eyre has lived a troublesome life while these adjectives remain her faithful companion. She never gave thought that someone could love her just as she is: poor, plain, and little.

Cold, bitter days

Finding solace between inked pages, Jane spends the first 10 years of her life perched wistfully on the windowsill. Brutally outcast from the wicked Reed family, she endures abuse and false accusations of her being a deceitful child. Jane refuses to degrade herself by becoming the shameful character in which they view her; rather, she remains steadfast in her integrity and stands firm in moral righteousness. Rich complexity, hidden by the Reeds’ demeaning manner, will ultimately shine through to prove Jane Eyre a worthy heroine.

The next chapter of Jane’s life involves 8 grueling years at Lowood School with conditions unfit for young girls: stale crusts and milk to feast upon, ruthless teachers to learn from, and deadly sickness to contract. Here, she befriended Helen Burns, a soft but strong-hearted spirit who sadly passes due to illness. Helen’s wisdom passed down to Jane manifests a deeper meaning of life; her soul matured as she grieved while simultaneously being exposed to novel beliefs such as Helen’s notion of treating others with kindness—despite how they might mistreat you. Jane conveys these traits of compassion and empathy during the final two years of her residency at Lowood School as an instructor.

Thornfield Hall

Dissatisfied with her mundane teaching career, Jane ventures out to claim the position as governess at Thornfield Hall. Because its master, Mr. Rochester, is seldom present, the manor is left under the care of Mrs. Fairfax.

These first impressions are where another layer of Jane’s character is revealed. Inquiring about Mr. Rochester, she receives scant details from Mrs. Fairfax. Jane not only wishes to serve wholeheartedly, but familiarize herself with them on a personal level—one she has not been shown before. The spirit of gentleness remains kindling in her soul.

While inquiring to Mr. Rochester about the strange noises Jane hears throughout the night, and the mysterious actions plotted in hopes of fatal injury, Jane receives no explanation. It is one she could not bear to hear or bring herself to believe.

The sardonic master

Upon first meeting Mr. Rochester, Jane believes him haughty, distant, and proud. However, being informed about his past, Jane’s opinion of him shifts. Between intervals of his absence from the mansion, their relationship gradually becomes more intimate. Jane memorizes his routine; not only does she strategically place herself in areas she knows he is present, her heart lifts when he calls her into a room.

With an empathetic soul, Jane was in constant search for a kindred spirit to explore sophisticated topics and engage in intellectual conversation. In Mr. Rochester, she found a sense of belonging.

Wherever you are is my home—my only home

Psychological turmoil

As an elite member of society, Mr. Rochester invites his wealthy friends to stay temporarily at Thornfield hall. With Jane in their presence, they treat her unfairly, and she draws a conclusion to how she is viewed in Mr. Rochester’s eyes. Inflicting feelings of inferiority on Mr. Rochester and his friends, she deems herself unworthy to ever have been an object of his affection. Jane feels it absurd to have been bewitched by such a man as Mr. Rochester—given his class, and the contrast of her own.

That a greater fool than Jane Eyre had never breathed the breath of life: ‘You,’ I said, ‘a favorite with Mr. Rochester? You gifted with the power of pleasing him? You of importance to him in any way? Go! Your folly sickens me. It does good to no woman to be flattered by her superior, who cannot possibly intend to marry her; and it is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them.

In this inner monologue Jane decides to relinquish her feelings for Mr. Rochester. Declaring he is of higher importance, she resolves it inconceivable for him to repress mutual feelings.

Shortly after, Mr. Rochester reveals his true intentions. In hosting prestigious society and bringing attention to his supposed engagement with one of the selected fair ladies, he explains to Jane it was in fact a ruse to evoke the snake of jealousy in her. Already thinking herself low and despicable by loving Mr. Rochester, Jane delivers the heart-wrenching quote,

Do you think I am an automaton—a machine without feelings?

Jane expresses the intense emotions she experiences, unlike the controlled behavior she conducts herself in. Jane and I are similar in this way; it can be difficult for others to see our true feelings concealed under a tranquil expression.

Through her natural disposition, Mr. Rochester thought Jane indifferent to him. Compelled by his insecurity, he had to confirm she loved him by executing his plan—even if it meant compromising Jane’s dignity. Fully devoted to Mr. Rochester, Jane felt extreme anguish during his proposal. She believes she cannot be his equal and that he treats her lower than she truly is.

My bride is here, because my equal is here, and my likeness. Jane, will you marry me?

Mr. Rochester counters this notion, saying that he loves her: he is fascinated by her spirit, her liveliness of heart, and her innocence and pureness—a contrast to what he has dealt with in the past.

Make a woman change

As wedding preparations are made, Jane is overwhelmed and becomes alienated with her true self. Mr. Rochester, desiring the very best for his little bride, orders the finest jewelry, dresses, and accessories. Jane expresses her discomfort in this attire, believing that someone as plain as her is ill-suited for these luxuries. It is unnessarcy for Mr. Rochester to gift Jane all these fancy things for her to marry him—she loves him unconditionally. Her love does not measure by the number of things he buys her or the amount of money he spends on her. Jane feels that this ‘Mrs. Rochester’ she will soon become is a woman she has yet to meet. With anticipation, she is excited to be introduced to this new person she will become.

Objection on the altar

On the day of their wedding, a hasty Mr. Rochester, Jane, and a few others gather for the ceremony. During the service, all are enlightened by a terrible truth—Mr. Rochester indeed has a wife. Furthermore, he keeps her hidden in the third floor of Thornfield Hall. The suspicious Jane had since her first night at Thornfield Hall, the reckless nights, the haunting laughs that were brushed off by Mr. Rochester himself, were not revealed before her. Returning to the place she once called home, Jane makes the painful decision to depart from the ones she loves, and above all, her master.

Prioritizing self-respect over love

I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.

Jane responds with this line during a battle with her conscious after having asked her “Who in the world cares for you? Or who will be injured by what you do?” She upholds herself to the law that God has commanded, and will allow no man to have her fall short of this covenant, as she states, “I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man”. Jane is able to detach herself from Mr. Rochester’s grasp and ultimately do what is best for her—even if it means leaving her beloved to wallow in sorrow.

A haunting message

After wandering aimlessly across plains, Jane finds herself a begger, unable to sustain the basic necessities of life. Eventually, she is taken in by a decent family who portrays great kindness to her. Having months pass between her and the inhabitants from Thornfield Hall, she settles into her new life, leaving her past behind. One misty twilight, Jane is taken aback to the memories she lived at Thornfield Hall. A yearning voice calls out to her from the moors, “Jane! Jane! Jane!”. At this she decides to make the journey back to where her heart longs to be.

“Reader, I married him”

Addressing the readers once more, Jane acknowledges her return and the outcome that flourished between the pair. Upon her arrival, Jane learns of a tragedy that struck Thornfield Hall, and the demise of Mr. Rochester’s now late spouse, Bertha Mason.

When Jane married Mr. Rochester, she chose for herself. She understood the physical and mental strain she would have endured having decided to stay with him before. In becoming his wife she not only redefined the meaning of social class and hierarchy, but empowered the lives of women who undermine themselves due to societal pressures.

Jane Eyre is a novel that will continue to inspire me the rest of my reading and writing career. Jane Eyre has shown me that a woman is not limited to what society tells you they should be. This is clear as she takes on the roles of a devoted wife, compassionate teacher, strong-willed mother, and ruler of her own femininity.

Participating in talent shows, running for student council, auditioning for the lead role—the list goes on. I inherently possess the drive to explore unfamiliar grounds and pursue vast opportunities.

For this reason, I was incredibly perplexed as to why I nearly talked myself out of a class during my first semester of college. Perhaps it was the demanding coursework in my other classes, or the pressure of balancing school and personal life, that led to these wavering thoughts.

Thankfully, I chose to stick with it—and it’s been a tremendously rewarding experience.

With many valuable lessons learned from my first semester of college (maybe for another post?), come numerous factors that made it an unforgettable experience. Considering the fact that I am not alone while navigating college life, I hope you can see a reflection of yourself in these points, and ultimately choose to take the path of perseverance, growth, and new opportunities, as I did.

Self-doubt, relentless insecurity

Although ‘Intro to Film Class’ sparked the most interest in me to take, a sense of doubt about my own abilities constantly weighed me down. While I was hesitant to sign up for this class, curiosity lingered within me.

I assumed that to study film one had to be incredibly clever—to understand the meaning behind certain terms, meticulous—to spot small details others might miss, and be an instinctive analyst. However, as the semester progressed, I found that I naturally possessed the traits of a student that my professor expected.

I received high marks on assignments, in addition to insightful feedback that encouraged me to continue with vigorous determination. I was excelling in the class simply by offering my authentic writing and passionately discussing what mattered to me. I formed critical thinking skills that would involuntarily find underlying meanings, for example, why the director chose to shoot this scene with muted colors, and another with a bright atmosphere.

This class allowed me to become open-minded about the world of cinema and explore deeper themes regarding cinematography.

Without realizing it, my sense of imposter syndrome faded, and I could focus on what really mattered—my newfound love for analyzing film.

Dr. Lowe

Professor Lowe. JL.

She’s one of those professors portrayed in film who causes you to speculate whether college is really like that or not. Professor Lowe dynamically conducted the class, motivating students to express their thoughts aloud.

Being allowed to convey my views and opinions in a public setting is something I have always struggled with. Self-consciousness would hold me back from sharing my perceptions on film; I was unsure if my interpretation of a certain aspect was ‘correct,’ or that if I claimed a term about a film, I would be totally wrong and have completely missed the point.

But with Professor Lowe, she wanted us to have our voices heard, she accepted every analysis and point of view—and even raised debates on why you thought a specific thing (all friendly, of course). She helped me tremendously to divulge into my own understandings when it came to communicating different perspectives—a notion most people avoid.

I will continue to appreciate her teachings and the outcome of taking this class—being confident in giving voice to my own analysis about film.

There are lessons I learned from Dr. Lowe that will follow me throughout life, such as listening to others’ points of view no matter how different they may be from yours. (Who knows, you might hear an opinion from a stance you would have never considered, which could end up being the aha moment you needed to understand a film fully!)

Exploring writing and cinematography even outside the classroom

I was extremely proud of getting an ‘A’ on my first midterm paper. The assignment was to analyze a scene from a film discussed in class and limit it to 3-4 pages. Being the Hermione Granger type student, I ended up writing nearly 10 (it was double-spaced, okay?). Apart from a comment regarding my lengthy essay, I gained motivation in my writing and how I interpret film. For the final paper, I used the feedback I received to create a condensed piece of writing. Gaining yet another ‘A,’ I felt certain I had a talent for writing.

Following the close of the semester, I continued to watch films in an altered way. I thoroughly examined the lighting, camera angles, dialogue, and the entirety of cinematography terms I learned. In addition, it became instinctive for me to jot down notes while actively watching a film. I could never go back to viewing films the way I had before taking this class.

Taking it further

After watching Guillermo Del Toro’s Frankenstein (2025), I was extremely moved by the film and felt compelled to write my own analysis on it during winter break.

So, I wrote.

Having grasped my potential to analyze film, I took action by doing what most writers fear in their earliest stage—posting online. I won’t allow this talent of mine to go to waste; I have to at least try. These small but subtle gestures will prepare me for significant pieces of writing I plan to do in the future.

Conclusion

A valuable lesson I’ve learned this semester—take that class.

Yes, just because at first you’re signing up for that class for credits, you may find yourself loving it, and even discovering a whole new part of yourself that you need to let blossom into something beautiful.

With the right support, dedication, and a great professor, achieving your full potential is more than possible.

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But I want to do something different. I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m on the watch for it.

It is true what my mother said, you will often change your path in college.

I began my freshman year with my sights set on working in healthcare; one semester in, I found my plans completely altered.

As college promises new horizons, it is hard to determine my future career; many areas of study pique my interest: Psychology, literature, art history, and film all present a prominent calling to me.

Regardless of what I choose to pursue in life, I endeavor to accomplish something worthwhile, academic, and insightful: a collection of works worthy of creating a lasting impact: my heart poured out on paper, my education transformed into valuable journals and studies. There is an ever-present tug on my soul that desires to discover my own unique voice through writing.

When I decided to take my writing seriously, I sought a role model, someone whom I think highly of, someone meaningful, and whom I am familiar with. Who better to turn to than Louisa May Alcott’s beloved character—Josephine March (I also named my basset hound after her).

In every woman, there is one March sister they admire and identifies with. For the past two years, I’ve re-watched Little Women (1994) during Christmas time, and I’ve always leaned towards Meg March. Sharing the role as the oldest sibling, it felt natural to emulate her character and goodness.

Much like the relationship between my own mother, Meg resembles Mrs. March in numerous ways. Her call to responsibility for her younger sisters, her caring and motherly manner, and her materialistic wishes all align with the personality traits of my own.

During my annual re-watch of this film, a singular scene shifted not only the way I view the March sisters but also allowed me to reflect on my own personal growth throughout the years.

Although close in age and relation, the main disparity between Meg and Jo, and the distinguishing feature of my own character, is Jo’s fiery and rebellious personality, and Meg’s fancy for the luxurious. In her teenage years, Meg longs for exquisite things, as their family dynamic is suddenly shifted when their father is drafted into the Civil War. She longs to fit in with the crowd of rich and sophisticated young women.

At times, I catch myself falling into the trap of vanity, longing to imitate the people who earn respect due to their rank and wealth, rather than being my authentic self.

Meg enjoys being admired and praised, and frankly, so do I. She tends to put herself down for enabling these feelings. Her mother, Marmee, offers advice to not confine herself to being praised for outward appearances, should she start to believe that is the sum of all her worth.

Another way I see myself in Meg is when she expresses her dreams of raising a family and living a domesticated life; that is one of my dreams nestled deep within my heart. This peaceful and humble life shows her maturity from a child to a young woman, who discovers that her values in life lie not within riches and glory, but instead in a loving and supportive family.

My affinity for Meg will forever remain in my heart. Even so, there are traits displayed in Jo that appear absent in Meg; such qualities prove to me very favorable and sought after.

This winter, I learned what it means to be a ‘Jo March.’

Jo’s tendency to “crave violence” and “stand up to the lions of injustice” is not exactly what I have in mind for my own future, but rather her ambition to be someone great in life, despite her being a woman in that time period. She confides in her sister Beth that she believes in her potential to change the world with her talent and perseverance. We are both independent and outspoken; there are big aspirations in our hearts that long to take action.

I should have been a great many things, Mr. Mayer.

In Jo’s case, what’s holding her back is the fact that she is a woman. However, times have changed and what’s holding me back is honestly just the drive to start. This is precisely why I decided to start posting on Substack. If Jo can be brave enough to face rejection and criticism in a world where men undervalued women, I am more than capable of doing the same. Jo’s strong-will and passion for writing eventually takes her places she once only dreamed about.

When Jo traveled to New York to pursue her career in writing, it made me reflect on my own goals in life and had me wondering if someday I’ll be in a similar position as her. Like Jo, I have never been away from home; this house is the same one my parents brought me home from the hospital. My entire life is rooted in these walls, and for Jo to take that leap is truly inspiring.

Clinical psychology being my main career focus, it is necessary to choose a university with my desired program. Given that close proximity to my family is uncertain, I may be faced with a dilemma that forces me to make a harrowing decision. Whether life be challenging or fearsome, I can rely on Jo March as inspiration to provide the courage I need.

With a close-knit family similar to the March’s, change is hard. We all desire a stable routine. As Jo says when Meg gets married, “Why must we marry at all? Why can’t things just stay as they are?” She expresses her overprotectiveness of her sister and displays her worries about the future. Likewise, I sometimes dwell on the inevitable theme that this film itself conveys: the bittersweet transition from girl to woman.

From Meg, I’ve learned traditional values, freedom from vanity, and, most importantly, finding joy and contentment in a humble life. Resilient and headstrong, Jo will persevere through difficult times and strive for equality by living life according to her own standards.

Little Women illustrates the significance of a loving and trusting family that will be ready to catch you when you fall. By embracing these traits and life lessons of both Meg and Jo, I am confident I can create the life I want for myself.

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Warning: this analysis contains spoilers

Deep understanding, empathy, and discovering the beauty and horrors of life are what draw viewers into this emotionally moving film. Oscar Issac and Jacob Elordi are brilliantly cast as the genius but cruel Victor Frankenstein, and his grievous creation, the Monster.

The creature goes by many names, such as ‘Frankenstein’s Monster,’ but the one title he longs to acquire is ‘friend.’ He desires to be recognized as an intellectual being, capable of expressing feelings and emotions. Starring alongside Mia Goth, who plays Victor’s forbidden love interest, Elizabeth Harlander, adds a touch of maternal love and gentle humanity to this beautifully tragic story.

Prideful, intelligent, and arrogant, Victor Frankenstein is conditioned to live up to his name by ruthless education. Believing himself unworthy of his father’s legacy led to his work of madness—one that compromises his physical and emotional welfare. With a strong-willed and unwavering mind, it is rare to witness his conscience being challenged. We see this through the burning of the mansion.

Guilt ultimately outweighs envy. When Victor Frankenstein implores the creature to utter another word than ‘Victor’ and fails to do so, it is the final stroke that confirms his decision to set the mansion on fire—abandoning the creature and the consequences of his actions. However, the Creature surprises Victor by pronouncing Elizabeth’s name. Victor hears this and deliberately ignores it, his envy for Elizabeth’s affection toward the creature being the driving force of his selfishness. As Victor ignites the fire that engulfs the mansion, he fastens the front doors, securing his safety. From the crumbling walls of the remains, he hears the agonizing cries of the creature bellowing the only word he knows: Victor.

Regretting his decision, he attempts to enter the collapsing structure now set aflame. Victor approaches the door only to be blown away by an explosion, sending him airborne as he crashes into a boulder, severing his leg.

Say one word. One word more. Anything. Make me save you.

This line, recited by Victor, addressed to the creature, displays his entitlement; Victor expects his creation, having been brought into existence only a few moments, to be fully competent. This also emphasizes the theme of “playing God.” Immature and egoistic, Victor believes himself powerful enough to give and take life away, as if he were God. Earlier in the film, the professors countered his experiment by claiming that only God can give and take life away, not granted to someone in the position of a mere human.

The next consecutive scenes we’ll analyze highlight their importance to the story, as one end, it leaks into the next. The creature ultimately confronts Victor on the misery placed upon him, tragedy strikes the innocent, and the broken become whole.

After experiencing friendship and love just beyond his grasp, the desperate Creature longs for a companion. Accepting the state of his monstrous being, he proposes that Victor create a likeness of himself. He hopes to equally bear the shame of being a ‘monster’ with his companion. The creature wishes for someone who understands him, someone who has empathy for him, someone like Elizabeth.

For every man there was but one remedy to all pain: Death, a gift you too had denied me.

The creature expresses the pain and suffering he endures while inhabiting the Earth. His infinite rage prevents him from entering a state of serenity. By Victor refusing this liberty of death to the creature, he is condemned to a life of restlessness. Rejected by his own master, he is forced to wander the Earth aimlessly as an outcast; the creature believes that death can grant him eternal peace.

Victor displays narcissistic behavior by focusing on his mental state and how it affects him directly, “I have found sanity at such a cause, and you here, are madness calling me back.” Despite the Creature’s efforts to elucidate Victor, he fails to acknowledge the creature’s ability to formulate thoughts and emotions. “Whatever puzzle I am, creator, I think, I feel.”

Victor refuses to take responsibility for the torment he inflicts on an innocent being, the creature was endowed with life unwanted, and has no choice but to suffer extreme agony.

We can be monsters together.

In addition, I wish to discuss Jacob Elordi’s acting in this scene—specifically his eyes. The creature’s eyes show warmth and a hope for new beginnings. As the Creature projects this line, he is genuinely excited about this opportunity, and it is evident that he contemplated this request. Jacob Elordi’s heart-wrenching performance as the creature makes it clear that his sole desire is to be loved.

My place was never in this world. I sought and longed for something I could not quite name. But in you, I found it.

Following Elizabeth’s death caused by a manic Victor, the creature carries Elizabeth away from the tortures of the world, where she dies peacefully in his presence. Moments before her passing, she delivers a captivating monologue that explains her yearning for an indescribable greatness in this life. She describes her journey in vain to discover it—until she met the creature.

She longs for a friend, someone who is different like her. Her love for him was not romantic, but a love that resonates so deeply in her soul as the one person she could see herself in. She loved him just for being alive.

Her religious upbringing and decision to separate herself from it imply that that environment was ineffectual to find her sense of belonging. As they are both considered outcasts, estranged from society, Elizabeth and the creature find solace in each other. Society’s expectations differ from their authentic selves: a young woman fascinated with insects and science, and a man made from idealism and over-ambition.

She is the first person to show him tenderness and understanding, something unfamiliar to him, which he welcomes with an affectionate heart. The devastating passion Elizabeth has found will remain in her heart for all eternity.

The quest for finding one’s place in this world brings deeper meaning to the gift of creation and accepting one another. Guillermo Del Toro’s long-awaited project displays loneliness and despair, prominent aspects found in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1818). Monsters’ attempt to gain divine power brings suffering to the innocent. In this film, the creature becomes human through intelligence, empathy, and the ability to forgive the person who created a monster within.

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