It’s where we meet the parts of ourselves we can’t access when everything feels in control.

Many people try to avoid this part. But this is also where real capacity is built. In the mess.

Becoming isn’t just about vision, it’s being aware that there is an upgrade your operating system requires to hold it.

If you keep breaking as you grow, look closer.

It’s often fear, doubt, and old patterns coming to the surface.

Not to f*** you up, but to protect you, and to be integrated.

This is the foundation of embodiment: learning how to stay present with what’s uncomfortable.

The mind might force: How do I move forward?

But the body invites us to ask: What am I not fully willing to feel?

The more vision you carry, the more capacity your nervous system must have to hold it. Vision without that capacity doesn’t create leaders, it creates people who are chronically overwhelmed and cycling through the same patterns at a bigger cost.

Depth creates leadership.

And leadership requires the capacity to hold ourselves first.

xx, Andrea.

At the time my system was deeply dysregulated. A non-healthy work environment, combined with my own non-supportive internal dialogues, had pushed my nervous system into collapse. My body had essentially shut down. Mentally, emotionally, physically, I felt non-functional on every level.

I happened to be traveling to London around that time, so I reached out to my network of fellow holistic enthusiasts there. Someone recommended an exceptional healer in the area, and I decided to trust the nudge.

The session itself didn’t feel particularly extraordinary. Nothing dramatic happened. The only thing that stood out was the stone placed on my third eye and around my belly.

The real process started once I came back home.

An intense sadness began to surface. Heaviness. Old blockages. For almost two weeks I was constantly crying, having vivid dreams, and receiving clarity about things that were clearly coming from somewhere much deeper than my conscious mind.

At first, I couldn’t really make sense of it.

So I stopped trying to understand it. I surrendered to the process and stayed committed to my habits.

And then, suddenly, something shifted.

I started to feel lighter. Like a significant weight had been lifted. Things that had been sitting somewhere in my system had finally been seen, felt, accepted and integrated.

There is so much about the relationship we have with our bodies that nobody really teaches us.

We often believe we mentally create our realities. And yes, the mind shapes a lot. But life does not actually happen in the rational mind.

Life happens in the felt experience.

In sensation. In movement. In subtle processes that often escape our senses.

There is something incredibly powerful about allowing the body to regulate itself.

About relearning that it is safe to feel.

Because from that place, the body knows how to adjust, cleanse, reorganize…and expand.

I’ll keep writing about somatics and body-based approaches to healing and regaining personal power.

For now, remember to consciously breathe.
And then, breathe again.

Con amor, A.

The more I connected with this realization, the more excited I became to clear and free the canvas of my life. To make it as clean and white as possible so I could begin creating a new reality.

This past year has been one of deep introspection:

• Reconfiguring the foundations of what makes me feel safe, emotionally and financially.

• Testing whether old ways of living were still valid for my soul.

• And plenty of fucking around with purpose, and with the question of what I want to do with the limited time I’ve been given on this earth.

The conclusions I came to required action. Action to let go of the parts of my life that had made me feel safe over the past decade. To release much of the identity, and the ecosystem around it, that I had built throughout my twenties.

What once made me feel empowered now feels like a cage, limiting my potential, procrastinating on dreams, and keeping me circling the same small loops.

Once this decision was made, I reached a point of starting to execute.

This has already included going through a coaching process that brought to the surface how resistant I am to change. More than I initially thought. I realized I’ve been staying in comfort because I am terrified of my truth and voice being seen and heard, and because stepping into new versions requires letting go of old structures of safety. There is no other way to move forward. As long as one foot is in the past, we are still playing with the old narrative.

The hardest part isn’t letting go. It’s not knowing exactly what comes next. Standing where certainty once lived, resisting the urge to rush into another version of myself just to feel safe again.

I don’t want to force answers, but finding that certainty requires new actions. After months of rumination, the next step is practice. Messy. Who cares.

• Clearing the space full of expired material and replacing it with new creations.

• Following a formula of decision, discipline, and commitment.

• Expanding the comfort zone bit by bit.

• Staying consistent for long enough.

• Approaching it with patience and playfulness.

• And surrounding myself with a tribe that will elevate all us to new levels.

If you are in the middle of an identity shift, I feel you. It is raw as it is exciting, and I’d love to hear from you.

Bisou bisou, Andrea.

Those impossibles I keep chasing, knowing they will break my heart. Desiring those who do not belong to me in this life, but were one with me in another.

The romantic idea of being held by the one who breaks me into pieces, in whose chest I found the peace only my dreams could imagine.

xx, A.

Yet embodying her always feels harder and takes longer than it logically should. But why? We are just a decision away from becoming her. It all happens in the mind first, and then, decision by decision, we start leveling up.

It also requires us to disintegrate what is holding us back.

Small mindset. Fear. Comparison. Overthinking again and again who that identity is, instead of just living and breathing her.

Anybody who has taken action outside of their comfort zone knows how rewarding and liberating that is. Yet we waste so much valuable energy, time and creative power staying stuck in the mind, where everything begins but nothing materializes.

I might be going into a rabbit hole here, but life is really not that serious. I have to remind myself. Every. Single. Day. Not that serious at least, to take every decision as if somebody cares. Nobody really does. Maybe mum. And if someone judges, it’s usually someone not navigating a similar path. Honestly, fuck off.

These days I am working on disintegrating all the voices that keep me in a contracting zone, away from my dreams. Because everything that doesn’t take me closer, takes me further.

This entry doesn’t necessarily have a conclusion. I just wanted to put it out there, because one observation that is very present for me is that if I acted on every overcooked thought I have, oh God… so much more would already be created.

Thoughts? I read you.

xx, A.

I’ve been feeling whole lately. And I’ve been tracing the formula behind that state of being. It doesn’t feel like happiness. It doesn’t feel like euphoria.

It feels closer to being in purpose. Even though that purpose isn’t necessarily something tangible. Yet.

It comes with realizing that I am the creator of my own reality.
That I get to choose my thoughts, my surroundings, my environment.
I’m one of the lucky ones who gets to choose.
And that alone gives me a constant sense of gratitude for the life I get to live.

It also comes with a growing sense of responsibility. To be a channel for those who have the choice, but don’t exercise it due to fear, ignorance, or lack of consciousness. And to be an enabler for those whose choice is more limited.

I’m living life as if it’s a game. Like, for real. Seeing it as a playground.
Slowly noticing my fears and wounded parts with a bit of skepticism.

I’m done with that narrative. The same way I was done with the story that I’m broken and healing.

Fuck that.

I actually started feeling healed, more alive, more sovereign when I decided to eradicate the word ‘healing’ from my vocabulary.

And it feels great. It feels empowering.

It also requires consistently training the brain to think differently.
To observe differently. To see with new eyes. To dream.

To embody someone new. Even when the world outside stays exactly the same.
Because from that place, everything starts evolving in our favor.

And to prioritize.
Over and over again.

I was lying in the park the other day. The sounds, the smells, the shapes of nature, the sky.

What a wild thing. To be alive in slow motion, while the world rushes by at full speed. Crazy crazy times to be alive.

xx, Andrea.

With the spring equinox, a renewed energy has been reshaping my perception of reality.

Like wisdom being downloaded from beyond, my inspiration is awakening in a way I deeply love.

I am still obsessed with dualities. With the contradictions that make us human. But in creating the right balance between my material and spiritual worlds, my empowered essence is emerging.

Choosing, day after day, to be intentional with my habits and my choices. Accepting the flaws. Learning the art of patience. Designing a sacred equilibrium between structure and flow.

This week has been inspiring, fun, and heart-opening. What changed? Surrendering fully to life. Choosing to put myself out there. Expressing my truth. And giving myself the chance to be turned on by life as the astrological year begins.

Every day is a gift, and magic and miracles are everywhere. I don’t want to take a single sunrise for granted anymore. Time is precious. And tomorrow might be too late.

xx, A.

One thought. One conversation. One moment.

A place that introduces you to new people. New ideas. New possibilities.

A new approach to the same challenge that once kept you stuck.

It all starts with action. No matter how small.

With commitment. No matter how many times you have to begin again.

Today, I was reminded that when women come together in open and safe spaces, incredible things happen.

We allow ourselves to dream. We speak of fear without shame. We empower each other to take action.

Because we are complex. Yet the most beautiful beings.

We feel immensely. We crave balance. We create connection and impact.

We are the sum of all our parts. And it is by nurturing each of them in harmony, that we allow our true power to shine.

xx, A.

I don’t feel like writing, but I promised myself I would.
Six consecutive weeks.

It’s been a hard week to digest.
Twelve hard months to digest.
I feel stuffed with situations I put myself in.

I wish I knew better.

Not to change the end, but the means.

I am bored. Turned off by some aspects of my life.
I miss being energized, inspired,
and developing myself in the ways I want.
Boredom is also inviting me to build on foundations
that have been neglected.
I am enjoying that last part.

I wish I knew better.

To have the maturity I have now,
without having to navigate the messy middle.

I keep writing as an escape,
wandering through my mind like a traveler who keeps walking the unknown streets.

The minute I waste comparing myself to others
is a minute I waste not embracing my uniqueness.
I still confuse failure with feedback.
And I keep making this brief moment of life feel too serious.

I wish I knew better.

To make fun of my trade-offs.
And the bruises on my chest.
Reminders of the hangover of the brutality of his bites on my skin.
Of the brutality of his words in my ears.

xx, A.

The cusp of massive transformation. The meadow where mourning and celebration dance together.

The moment to gain momentum. To shed outdated tissues. To archive expired plans for the future. To experience real growth. Growth that requires new ways of being.

Setting boundaries. Strengthening support systems. Releasing core beliefs.

I asked. She responded.

Find out the reason to take action. Now. Prioritize again. Narrow it down. Be honest about what’s important. Trust the detour. And the urgency. It is felt for a reason. Be still, but learn when to speed up. Think quickly, get creative, and execute fast. Do not waste time. That is the most precious currency. Listen to the compulsion. And then, listen again.

xx, A.

The cracks, the gifts. The jealousy I feel toward my reflection, who winks back to me in the mirror, as I realize they are one and the same thing.

And finally, I understand… as exhaustion makes me lay down on the floor, I cry, and I laugh. I feel a new sense of connection. My mindset expands. Magic. Self-seduction. Self-devotion. Those long forgotten.

I touch my face. I hug myself. An immense sense of gratitude runs through my body. I feel so alive as the music beats in sync with my heartbeat. I am thankful for all the opportunities, challenges, and teachings life has offered me. And for all the returns I am receiving from this introspective winter season.

Red light therapy. A fucking blessing. Cozy. That’s all I need. And some conscious breathing. And some reggae these days.

And as I practice my daily prayers, I commit to myself. To the higher thing(s) I still don’t know how to describe. I do not feel so alone these days. There is a spiritual presence around me, protecting me, helping me stand up when and if I fall. Encouraging me to leave fear and sorrow behind.

It’s been too many years carrying a weight I no longer want to own. Enough of chasing an obsessive freedom rooted in scarcity—one that built my cage. A prison I turned into a comfort zone where I no longer belong to.

I turned 32 this week, and I have never felt so ready to let my baggage evaporate. Ready to release everything that does not nourish my peace, does not build my emotional, spiritual, intellectual, or financial wealth, and does not align with my soul, whether in pragmatic or mystical ways.

I am being asked to clear the clutter, wrap up the errands that have to be completed, cut my own bullshit, and keep moving. Forward.

Focus. Pray. Work. Meditate. Move. Rest. Repeat.

In this Valentine's Day, I am just making love to the present moment.

xx, A.

The more I resist, the harsher the lesson I must learn.

Surrender. Surrender. Surrender.

Surrender to the co-creation of life being expressed through her embodiment and experience.

Celebrate the challenge. Be grateful in discomfort. Celebrate the younger self who was brave enough to take unpopular decisions.

For the healing that required space. For the adjustments that had to be made. For the what ifs that could not be silenced. Instant gratification vs. short-term sacrifice vs. long-term investment. Returns for future Andrea, in ways only you understand. Was she bold? Unconscious? Naïve? Just all. At once. Meditated impulse. Her kind of operating system that gets her places but feeds the inner beast. The destructive too, yes.

Regret. Blame. Shame. Leave me alone. Do not compare yourself with the version of you that you are inventing in a different reality that never existed. That was never meant to exist. Just in your mind. Who never seems to learn that the only thing that truly exists is the now. The rest is fantasy, for better or worse.

Breathe. That’s all you need. Take another breath. As if it were the last you would have. Or the first. How does it feel? That’s all you need. Acceptance. We are not satisfied because we do not accept. Mmmm… not convinced with that one.

Thank you for helping me leverage the low. Even though I am still learning. Thank you for reminding me what needs to be worked on. Thank you for putting me face to face with my most materialistic ego. I missed her. She is slapping me in the face. It hurts. There is pleasure in pain. Leverage the low, you said, change the lenses.

I get to decide how to use my power. With your guidance. Back to surrender. Game over. Reset again. The deeper the mud pit, the greater the potential to train soul capacity, spirit, and intuition.

It was a nice evening. Nothing better than quality time with friends. To share. To disagree. To laugh. To hold each other accountable. To set challenges and rituals.

Today I am burnt out. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. And I am being called to just surrender to a higher wisdom.

xxx, A.

This year, I ask you for health, vitality, and aliveness.

I ask for the energy I’ve lost, the hope I’ve forgotten and the excitement dimmed by experiences and people who hurt me and censored the love I never shared.

I ask for peace.
For emotional resilience to face new challenges.
For the innocence of a child to witness the beauty that I now often overlook.
For a marriage with the land. To walk barefoot, feel the earth, and breathe deeply from the roots beneath me.
For more fresh air to fill my lungs and remind me what it means to be alive.

I ask you for the belief in a greater good, to trust in something bigger than myself.
For the melody of a piano soothing my heart. For a guitar solo setting it on fire.
For love. True love in any shape or form. This year, spare me the heartbreak. Grant me love in its purest form. Love that nurtures, love that heals, love that stays.

Dear Life,

This year, I ask for my true expression to manifest: both the wise little niña and the powerful señora.
For authentic self-expression that is raw, vulnerable and fragile, yet sensual and fierce, determined and adventurous.
For the creation and holding of more spaces where women of all ages can connect - truly and deeply.

For more wild woman, and cyclical and seasonal living.
For a better understanding of how internalized misogyny shapes beliefs, behaviors, and felt experiences.
For more activism that feels true, real, and owned.

I ask for the hunger to keep exploring the world, its wonders, and its people.
For the wisdom to learn from those journeys.
For the inspiration to let the stories of others touch me and shape my own.

For the strength not to fall into the trap of the rat race and to see beyond deadlines and demands.
For financial expansion.
For a healthy and conscious relationship with money.

For a sustainable growth mindset.
For an organic and non-dependent ambition.

For a good balance and shared language between goals, strategy, and tactics, and slowing down, intuition, and sensation.

For focus on my vision. For flexibility to adapt and flow.
For trusting that my story is sovereign teacher.

Dear Life,

I ask for the ability to forgive myself.
To forgive the lovers who chose not to stay, whose smiles and warmth I still miss.

For moments of silence and connection, both in solitude and in the presence of others.
For quality time with friends. Existing and new.
For joy and laughter that feel like freedom.

For more Africa this year, more Asia and Latam. And some north. Of Spain. Of Europe.

For intention to pursue dreams and take not so calculated but coherent risks.

For the courage to share my voice.

For the stardust that keeps me grounded.
For the stars above that remind me of infinite abundance.
For a life that feels full.

Dear Life, this is what I ask for this year.

Querida Vida,

Este año te pido salud, vitalidad y plenitud.

Te pido la energía que he perdido, la esperanza que he olvidado y la luz interior apagada en mí por experiencias y personas que me hicieron daño, censurando el amor que nunca compartí.

Te pido paz.
Resiliencia emocional para superar nuevos obstáculos.
La inocencia de una niña que aprecia la belleza que ahora a menudo ignoro.
Te pido mayor unión con la tierra. Más caminar descalza, sentir y respirar profundamente desde las raíces bajo mis pies.
Más aire fresco para llenar mis pulmones y recordar lo que significa estar viva.

Te pido creer en un bien superior, confiar en algo más grande que yo misma.
La melodía de un piano que calme mi corazón. Un solo de guitarra que le haga arder.
Te pido amor. Amor verdadero en cualquier forma. Este año, líbrame del desamor. Concédeme amor en su estado más puro. Amor que nutre, amor que sana, amor que permanece.

Querida Vida,

Este año te pido que mi verdadera expresión se manifieste: la sabia niña pequeña y la poderosa señora.
Una expresión auténtica que sea cruda, vulnerable y frágil, pero también sensual y feroz, decidida y aventurera.
Te pido más espacios donde mujeres de todas las edades puedan conectar de una manera real y profunda.

Te pido más mujer salvaje, viviendo de manera cíclica y estacional.
Un mejor entendimiento de cómo la misoginia internalizada moldea creencias, comportamientos y experiencias emocionales.
Más activismo que sea verdadero, auténtico y propio.

Te pido el hambre de seguir explorando el mundo, sus maravillas y sus gentes.
La sabiduría y aprendizaje de esos viajes.
La inspiración para dejar que las historias de otros me conmuevan y den forma a la mía.

La fuerza para no caer en la trampa de la rutina laboral y ver más allá de los plazos y peticiones interminables.
Seguridad y expansión financiera.
Una relación saludable y consciente con el dinero.

Un enfoque de crecimiento sostenible.
Una ambición orgánica y no dependiente.

Un equilibrio y lenguaje compartido entre metas, estrategias y tácticas, y la calma, la intuición y el sentir.

Foco en mi visión. Flexibilidad para adaptarme y fluir. Confiar en que mi historia personal es maestra soberana.

Querida Vida,

Te pido la capacidad de perdonarme.
De perdonar a los amantes que eligieron no quedarse, cuyas sonrisas y calidez aún extraño.

Te pido momentos de silencio y conexión, tanto en soledad como en presencia de otros.
Tiempo de calidad con amigos. Los de ahora. Los que vendrán.
Alegría y risas que sepan a libertad.

Te pido más África este año, más Asia y Latam. Y algo de norte. De España. De Europa.

Intención para perseguir mis sueños y tomar riesgos no tan calculados, pero coherentes con mi alma.

Coraje para compartir mi voz.

Polvo de estrellas que me mantiene con los pies en la tierra.

Cielos estrellados que me recuerdan a la abundancia infinita.

Vida que se sienta plena.

Querida Vida, esto es lo que te pido este año.

A.

An intangible heavy blur.

Yet, there’s a comforting small collection of memories to make it real.

001 The Confusion

002 The Heartbreak

003 The Being Held

004 The Internal Chaos

005 The Escape

006 The Nourishing Walks & Conversations

007 The Second Escape

008 The New Focus

009 The Presence

010 The Simplicity of Nice Moments

011 The Return

A.

This journal is becoming more and more a repository of ideas and a future resource to return to. A place I go to when I feel the urge to collect knowledge that I find interesting. And maybe that’s the purpose of it all. To write about the learnings from the week, the month, or recurring themes that demand to be made tangible somewhere and perhaps someone will come across one day. However, this might also be the last post of the year, as I might take some time to rethink what I want to do with this space from 2025.

***

This week I learned, or realized again, how much we are governed by fear. And honestly, how much easier it is to stay in the comfort zone, even when we have clearly outgrown it or find no inspiration there anymore.

I try and try to make my life about following inspiration, but the more effort I put into it, the less it works. I don’t know about you, but I operate best when I’m in motion. This means moving, engaging with my body, and exploring new places. Yet my body is currently demanding stillness, forcing me to to stay grounded, to build foundations, to trust, and to be patient.

How much of this stillness is wisdom, and how much is fear?

I’m scared of making big decisions. They require a strength I haven’t felt in the last two (three?) years, and I miss that version of myself. Sure, I’ve made plenty of decisions, but many of them were made in fear and insecurity. And that just doesn’t work, either.

Lately, I’ve been also asking myself over and over again:

What do I really, deeply, unapologetically want?

And (almost) every answer scares me.

On the topic of fear, I came across a teaching Tara Mohr mentions in her book Playing Big, coming from the Hebrew Bible. It describes two kinds of fear: pachad and yirah. Here’s what I learned (borrowing from Tara’s explanation):

• Pachad: This is the fear of imagined or projected threats and what might happen in the worst-case scenarios. It’s the fear rooted in survival instincts but now shows up in situations where we feel exposed to embarrassment, judgment, rejection, pain, so on.

• Yirah: This is something entirely different. It’s described as:

  • The feeling that overcomes us when we inhabit a larger space than we are used to.

  • The feeling we experience when we suddenly come into possession of considerably more energy than we had before.

  • When we feel in the presence of the divine.

Tara sums it up with the following: Moving from playing small to playing big means being less and less ruled by pachad and becoming more comfortable living in yirah.

My invitation to you (and myself) today is to explore this two dimensions of fear, reflect on how they are impacting your life, and influencing your decision making.

The best discovery of the week, however, and without a doubt, has been the music of KR3TURE.

xxx, A.

As timely as it felt, these past months I’ve been immersed in Jungian work and Clarissa Pinkola Estés, particularly exploring feminine archetypes. At the center of this inquiry is the Whore, a misunderstood and deeply powerful figure. Paired with my recent longing to unleash creativity in various forms, this exploration feels urgent. There’s a call within me to radicalize parts of myself that have been buried and confined for far too long.

Reclaiming truth and sovereignty is profound shadow work. It requires the courage to embark on a journey from which there is no return. Once you see, you cannot unsee. We choose to dive into the dirt, and this is a process not everyone understands. Why choose this messy path? Because deep within, a voice is shouting, pleading:

‘Descend, find me, release me!’

So, we dive into the dark -both personal and collective- and we swim. We meet every mermaid of the psyche, engage with each one, and embrace (or endure) whatever transformations unfold. These encounters allow us to rewild and rewire ourselves. We face the potential to return to the surface more anchored in our essence, more attuned to the organic truth of who we are.

When I was so ‘lovingly’ called whore, she emerged, proud, defiant, and empowered, reclaiming her righful place in my awareness. The triggers were questionable, but her presence was undeniable.

Misunderstood, multi-layered, and often rejected, the Whore is a potent archetype for women to explore. Beyond the taboos and the projections of promiscuity, she embodies freedom, sovereignty and a liberated relationship with self. She is an unapologetic force of sensuality and erotic expression and energy that challenges societal norms, reclaims the sacredness of the body and channels into passion for life.

‘Dear Whore, from now and forever, I welcome you.’

xxx,
A.

P.D: That Fire

Querido otoño,

Al igual que los árboles pierden sus hojas, tú nos invitas a soltar.

Así como transicionamos hacia el invierno, tú nos inspiras a reflexionar, consolidarnos y prepararnos para el frío.

Siguiendo la medicina china, asociamos el otoño al metal, símbolo de estructura y establecimiento de límites. Ah, los límites... tan olvidados a veces, cayendo en viejas trampas donde el amor propio se pierde en una zona gris, que ahora llamo TNT, ya que últimamente, detono bastante en estas áreas tan difusas como absurdas.

El metal nos recuerda la importancia de liberar el desorden, tanto físico como emocional. Conectar con este elemento y mantenerlo en equilibrio nos ayuda a evitar la rigidez que surge por su exceso, así como la baja autoestima y la tristeza que nacen de su deficiencia.

Esta estación también nos invita a cuidar nuestros pulmones e intestino grueso, órganos estrechamente asociados con el metal. La respiración profunda nos ancla al presente, mientras que liberar lo innecesario nos despeja el camino. Sin embargo, soltar es una de las tareas más complejas que enfrento día a día. Y no termino de aprender. De hecho, siento que, cuanto más crezco, más desaprendo a dejar ir. Toda esa energía perdida…

Quizás sea el resultado de la experiencia vivida, los miedos, los rechazos, los anhelos, la rabia, el aburrimiento y, también, algo de personalidad. Una personalidad que está en constante construcción, reconstrucción y reconfiguración.

Hace unos meses, una sabia mujer me dijo que mi elemento era el metal. Me observó la cara y las manos con calma, y esa fue su conclusión. Tal vez por eso el otoño siga siendo mi estación favorita. Por sus colores, su nostalgia sutil, su calidez y su naturaleza de transición hacia el yin.

xxx, A.

In the past few weeks, I haven’t been able to keep up with my good habits.

Adjusting to my new routine has been a little challenging. Moving from full autonomy to needing to schedule my agenda down to the minute has felt overwhelming.

One thing is clear: working for myself is the ultimate goal, where I can design my weeks just as I want. For now, being an employee makes sense, no stress about it. I still want to tick a few boxes on the corporate ladder to keep my ego happy. It feels like a temporary chapter, though.

In the meantime, I want to rigorously work on finding a balance between having a flexible, doable, nourishing lifestyle and keeping my health and wellbeing at the core of my priorities.

The only way to manage this seems to be by simplifying my commitments to it.

In a conversation I had yesterday, my new mantra became clear. My new anchor:

This applies to all aspects of body, mind, and spirit . I understand this isn’t something I’ll be able to do with full consistency, but the goal is to make it a 51%-49% effort at worst.

I also want to lean more into creative writing instead of writing solely for planning.

In short, my takeaways for the day:

• Acknowledge the transition.

• Simplify the nourishment.

• Embrace the 51%-49% mentality.

• Prioritize creativity over planning.

Small wins. Micro-improvements. They certainly build meaningful things. Trust that process.

That’s all I’ve got for today.

xxx,
A.

Today, my newly joined company offered all employees globally a day off to focus on well-being. I was excited to use this time to move my body, check off some errands, and dive into an interesting book I’ve been meaning to read. But things didn’t go as planned.

From everything I had ‘scheduled,’ I only managed to connect with a friend virtually. The rest of the day? I’ve felt stuck and miserable, fighting an uncomfortable pressure in my stomach and chest.

The question I keep asking myself is:

What do I truly need, and what do I actually have control over?

Coincidentally, my coaching training recently introduced me to the concept of the four levels of consciousness. Here’s the framework:

1. Life happens to me – where we feel powerless, like victims of circumstance.

2. Life happens by me – where we begin to take ownership and create outcomes.

3. Life happens through me – where we connect with the flow, feeling guided and aligned.

4. Life happens as me – where we fully embody unity and the interconnectedness of everything.

Today, I’ve spent most of my time in Level II: “Life by me.” While this is better than feeling victimized, it’s also a space where I tend to overcontrol. I’ve been so determined to feel better that I’ve boxed myself into rigidity, only to stay home all day. This choice, when I’m in an unresourceful state, doesn’t help at all.

What strikes me is how difficult it can be to identify what we truly need, especially when we rely solely on the mind to figure it out. The mind, as brilliant as it is, often overlooks the signals of the body. Even today, when my discomfort was clearly manifesting in my chest and stomach, I struggled to listen to it.

I’ve been growing better at tuning into my needs, thanks to my somatic awareness training. However, I realized today that awareness alone isn’t enough. There also needs to be a willingness to connect to that awareness. And today? I wasn’t willing. Instead, I felt completely disconnected from my physicality.

So, what did I do instead? I focused on intellectualizing it. Perhaps my unease comes from an emotional need I’m resisting. Maybe I feel emotionally threatened by something I’m not ready to accept. Or maybe my imagination is replaying stories and triggers I thought I’d moved past. Either way, I’ve been caught in a cycle of trying to fix how I feel instead of just sitting with it.

The truth is, intentionality and awareness don’t always make things easier. Sometimes, they make the process more challenging because we become aware of how much more choice we have. And with choice comes the responsibility to act (or not act).

Today, I’m tired of the inner work. I just want things to go smoothly, to have someone take care of me so I can relax. And honestly, I don’t want that “someone” to be myself. I could hand this responsibility over to my inner mentor (more on her another time), but she doesn’t seem available today either.

Ouch…

And you, how do you listen to yourself and your needs?

I read you,

A.

Un día en el que escribo solo para honrarte.

Un día en que recuerdo la última vez que te vi. Un día en que extraño los hoyuelos que se formaban en tus pómulos al sonreír.

Ese día no fue el último en que escuché tu voz. Pero esa voz, créeme, es difícil de olvidar.

Cuando cantabas, todo lo divino cantaba contigo, y todos a tu alrededor nos encogíamos de emoción. Extraño cantar contigo. Y aún hoy lloro cuando te pienso y canto, y vuelvo a pensar en que nuestras voces no volverán a sonar juntas en armonía, al menos en este plano.

Hoy hace tres años que te fuiste a otro lugar. Pero hoy decido escribirte. Nunca lo he hecho, pero un profundo deseo de hacerlo me despertó esta mañana.

Mis rojizas sábanas terracota me hicieron pensar. Mientras me envolvían, me sentí como un pequeño óvulo dentro de uno de tus ovarios. No sé, mi imaginación estaba creativa esta mañana. He querido conectar contigo de esta manera hoy.

Inmediatamente pasé de imaginar la vida a pensar en algo más oscuro: aquello que se hizo con tu precioso y perfecto cuerpo y que te causó dolor.

Pienso en lo hermosa que eras. Tu cuerpo, tus curvas, los límites de tu suave piel. Tu sonrisa.

Por dentro eras aún más hermosa. Eras paz, inocencia, un ángel en la tierra. Una tauro en toda su esencia, conectada a la tierra. Ofreciendo esa energía terrenal que ahora no sé ni cómo describir con palabras, pero que siento fuerte en mi corazón.

Recuerdo el último día que dormiste en mi casa. Ese día yo estaba triste, y tú me abrazaste. Me sostuviste y me recordaste lo importante que es la amistad. Recuerdo cómo colocaste la toalla en la ducha, de una manera que nunca se me había ocurrido, y que ahora replico con frecuencia. Y sí, pienso en ti cada vez que lo hago.

No sabes cuánto nos has enseñado. En todas tus versiones, en todos tus momentos. Con tu bondad, tu resiliencia, tu fuerza y tus ganas de vivir. A mí me sigues enseñando cada día. Y en esos días en que siento que no puedo más, tú me sigues sosteniendo. Me recuerdas lo efímera que es la vida y cuán pocas son realmente las ocasiones en que no tenemos elección.

Me has enseñado que, cuando el enemigo es tan poderoso, el miedo no es excusa. Que ante una gran adversidad, mayor debe ser nuestro empoderamiento frente al miedo. Y mayor aún nuestra compasión.

Te quiero tanto. Y te echo mucho de menos.

No me gusta hacer promesas, pero a ti te las hago. Te prometo que vivirás en mí hasta que me toque acompañarte, dondequiera que estés, y volvamos a cantar juntas lo que ahora solo está al alcance de mis mayores anhelos.

Maite zaitut. Beti eta dena. Andrea.