Hey Karatu here<3 Are you good? I hope you are doing well. If you are new, hi, hope you love it here. Today I am specifically addressing women because i have noticed something worth addressing. However this essay is going to make you feel is entirely up to you, this is by no means a call out but if you do feel called out, you should probably want to look within. All my thoughts are absolute and i don’t give room for bean souping, please open your mind and nuance is very important. (It is that deep everything is always that deep) With that said, i hope you like the piece and do share your thoughts, peace and love!

So i am at work today and i overhear a very weird conversation, it was between a woman and a man and this woman basically says (not verbatim) “yeah i dont like working at a female ward because working with mentally ill women is stressful, i prefer working with men, because they are more calm and less dramatic to work with” man says, “oh yeah i agree, women are so hard to work with and dramatic” she adds, “yeah and they are hella manipulative too, men are just better”. I am immediately stopped in my tracks because what do you mean? Mentally ill men are better than mentally ill women? You’re joking! Because in my head I’m wondering when has working with men ever been easier in the history of us living????!!! On top of that, a man who is mentally ill? Right…. right…. right…

If you are anything like me, you are surprised too, because what are we talking about right now… You might be wondering surely it’s just those two who hold that opinion right… right… if you thought so then you must be mistaken because unfortunately this is an opinion many people in this field hold (psychology). And the it’s not that deep people unfortunately for you it is that deep, because just because you cant understand the depth of this conversation doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Because the idea that men who are psychiatric patients are easier to deal with than women is inherently misogynistic.

Misogyny (/mɪˈsɒdʒɪni/) is hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women or girls. It is a form of sexism that can keep women at a lower social status than men, thus maintaining the social roles of patriarchy. (according to wikipedia)

Misogynistic feeling, showing, or characterized by hatred of or prejudice against women : of, relating to, or being a misogynist (according to the merrian webster dictionary)

Misogynist a person who hates or discriminates against women : a misogynistic person (according to the merrian webster dictionary)

Definitions out of the way, i want us to understand why that thought process is inherently misogynistic because that a very bold claim i just threw out which i would like for us to unpack. I have highlighted the word inherently because when you look at the statement ‘working with men is easier as compared to women’ on its own, on the surface seems like a pretty okay sentiment because yes it is extremely possible to have an experience where working with men was easier and vice versa. However this statement doesn’t exist in a vacuum, because we live in a society which has a lot of socio-political factors that influence who we think and move about life and especially how we view other members of society.

That being understood, we now bring in misogyny and patriarchy to help us understand a bit more how these systems of power shape our perception of the world especially how we view women. Because in a patriarchal society, there is a hierarchy, which everyone with common sense knows or has a sort of understanding about. And in this hierarchy women sit at the bottom, while men at the top. I am highlighting this point, because for hierarchy to remain and be sustained, everyone works together to uphold and maintain this hierarchy, women included. Unfortunately, the women are their own opps. Is it something of their doing? Absolutely not. However is it something they should probably sit with and unpack? Probably. Do i slightly judge those who uphold it, yeah, yeah i do.

One way this hierarchy is upheld, is through misogyny, and many of you women are misogynists. “I cant be friends with girls, they have so much drama, i get along with men more” “I’m just one of the boys” “I am bisexual/ i love kissing girls but i would never date one, because what if we are both on our periods and I’m so dramatic so i wouldn’t want to be with another woman because she will be equally or more dramatic” “i prefer the male ward as compared to the female ward because they are aggressive and men are more chill” “i don’t like make up, I’m natural” “i would never wear thaaaatttt” “I’m so smoll…” baby imma need you to lock tf in and stand tf up, because this male centered pick me bullshit needs to stop… because what are we even talking about right now…

Men statistically commit 90% of the violent crimes in the world (according to the UN), these niggas rape men (in the US at least 3% of men have experienced rape or SA at the hands of other men), women( 1 in 5 women world wide have experienced SA at the hands of men) and children (we all know this), the animals aren’t safe either, DV men are the main perpetrator and we want to sit here and pretend that men are these sweet baby girl angels who are more calm than women? Get over yourselves… mind you these are ‘normal men’, imagine those who are mentally ill? Why are we pretending? Statistically speaking women who have mental health issues are more prone to be in abusive situations; sexual assault, DV, will have a high prevalence to occur because mentally they are not in a state to consent and have no power to ‘fight back’(Bean soupers hi, women commit crimes too we know, we know… not all men… we know… that’s not the point) First time, i went to a male ward, i got greeted by a punch on my knuckles, in the name of hello? Is the women hate and sexism so much that we are unable to see things for what they are? When has a man ever been less manipulative than a woman? Isn’t their entire shtick just that? MANIPULATION?

When we associate women with emotions or rather this idealized version of uncontrollable emotions, we strip women their humanity because we are making a far fetched assumption that women are not in control over themselves and their emotions. Because when we say these psychiatric patients are emotional that’s why they are acting erratic as compared to their male counterparts we devoid them of their humanity and understanding that their brains don’t work. They are acting ‘crazy’ or ‘aggressive’ not because they are women hence automatically more emotional but because they are sick, it’s just that. Its not because “society doesn’t let them crash out, hence they are harboring emotions that’s why they are more angry than men (loud and false btw, men are actually more angry because society permits them to be angry)” but because their brains are just unable to regulate themselves its that simple. Women are not more dramatic because they are emotional, they are more ‘dramatic’ because society permits women to be emotional as compared to their ‘logical’ counterparts who are told to suppress everything, no crying, no showing weakness and the only emotion they are allowed to have is aggression, it not because they are logical they are just emotionally dimmed.

Another really fucked idea many of us hold that i will need us to let go off is the idea that your period automatically is a justification for ill behavior. Because no babe, just because you are bleeding from your yoni, doesn’t mean you have suddenly changed, it’s not this big crazy werewolf transformation under the full moon thing many people like to think it is. Yes your hormones are changing and your energy levels are low and you are in pain but that doesn’t mean your judgement is impaired, you are a grown ass woman there is no correlation because 90% of the time nobody can tell you are bleeding, unless you tell them you are, so why are we acting like you have no control over your emotions? This is the exact shit men say when they don’t want a female president, because apparently she will be too emotional and start wars, mind you the none womb havers are doing just that… can we stand up, you need to kill that man in your head.

Misogyny is so insidious because we as women have an inability to peep it, because we are the ones being affected by it. Misogyny is expressed via sexism and many of you don’t even realize the shit that comes out of your mouths. I also feel like misogyny alleviates women from taking accountability for their actions because there is a sort of “boys will be boy” element to women’s emotional regulation because yes there is punishment for existing as a woman but at the same time there is a lot of permissibility for women to be raging assholes in the name of “women are crazy”, because why exactly are so mean, especially towards other women? Misogyny is also deeply woven in every part of our society, the fact that ladies pants don’t have deep pockets is because they don’t care about us enough to have deep pockets or pockets at all. The fact that safety belts aren’t designed for our bodies is misogyny in play, the fact that medication is not tested on a good chunk of us, is misogyny. And just because you don’t like the word because it calls you to evaluate yourself doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, you are just being willingly ignorant because being ignorant is easy. As a woman you cannot afford to be a willing participant in your subjugation, because if the arm of misogynistic oppression doesn’t get you this time, it sure will next time and when it’s your turn the same way you turn your cheek against other women’s subjugation, the same women will turn theirs against yours. There is no excuse to be so hateful and weird towards other women like you, it is not cute, because its one thing for a man to call women dramatic and crazy but another woman? Girl…

(I am in no shape or form coming at anyone because i understand a lot of what we believe to be true are things we have been conditioned to believe and i hold a lot of space for that and give immense grace… however it is high time to question those beliefs and internal biases because whether know it or not, our biases can propagate harm. We can harm others without knowing or intending to and that’s why i write and have written this to challenge those biases. Because you have no actual reason why you think women are harder to deal with than men, it is societal programming, because ALL and almost ALL the evidence (statistically backed) suggest other wise… you need to think more critically, in order to deconstruct a lot of the beliefs we hold and choosing even after reading this or being told by someone else to hold bigoted ideas, is because you are choosing to be stupid, there is nothing else to be said, you WANT to be a bird brain b*. Even after being told to do better and still choosing not to, is because you want to be oppressed and you will stay oppressed if you don’t stand up.)

#STANDTFUP

Hi!!! Kaki here, hope you are well:) If you are new to my account and my work welcome, i really hope you like it here. If you know my work you definitely know what this paragraph is about, but unlike other times, my thoughts on this is absolute and there is absolutely no nuance to this, there is no room for interpretation. (this note is for those who bean soup). Enjoy the essay and share your thoughts, peace and love <3

So yesterday, I’m doing my regular evening doom-scroll after a long day at work and i come across a video by this creator called @smoothyoki_ (on Instagram) (i love him and his work, he mostly does advocacy and hope core) and in his video he was basically saying if you cant find one kind person in the world then be one. And that video has definitely stuck with me hence this essay. That being coupled up with another creator on tiktok who makes these psychedelic edit style videos with really chill music and a hope core texts on said videos, her account is Ruby Diamond, her videos also heavily inspired this essay today. (crediting them because i will be quoting them a lot in this essay) In addition to Yoki and Ruby’s videos and working in a psych hospital for almost 2 months now, i have a lot to say about empathy. So in my essay i would like to talk about kindness, empathy and compassion, because i fear we as the collective society are loosing the plot and we are rapidly plummeting into fascism and WE NEED TO WAKE TF UP.

There a few statements and mindsets that truly really irk me;

1. No one is coming to save you

2. Being a good person doesn’t take you anywhere

3. Always reciprocate their actions

4. I don’t owe anyone anything

Because when ever has evilness and malice conquered? You might say ummm actually, bad are always thriving, they have money, power, proximity etc and an argument can be made that they are the conquerors, however why do you think that the true measure of success is via capitalism? And usually it is at the cost of other people’s lives?

‘When in doubt blame capitalism:)’~Karatu. (might trademark this lol)

A saying i coined and live by because if you look at any problem in your life, chances are capitalism is playing a big role. In relation to today’s essay, capitalism gives us an illusion of individualism, because it convinces us that your success or rather your ability to succeed is entirely dependent on you and if you are hungry enough and are willing to go to any extent to succeed then the fruits your labor are yours to have and whatever actions that you may do to get there are within reason/justified so long as the end goal is seen. Inherently i don’t think this school of thought is bad, because we at the end of the day, are our own people and whatever we choose to make of life is entirely up to us. So if you are hungry enough for success, you can bust your ass in school and land your dream job and live the life you have always wanted and i think that is perfectly fine to want that and to work towards that and you are entitled to your results. However, the cost that comes with a system like capitalism, is a bunch of selfish, bootlicking, ass kissing, greedy, evil people because at the forefront of capitalism is ones personal interests and i think that is exactly where the problem lies. Everyone is so busy engulfed in themselves to give a shit about other people.

Case in point: The genocide and wars taking place different parts of the world. Gaza, Sudan, Congo, Ukraine, Myanmar, Ethiopia, Lebanon, Iran, Venezuela, Yemen, the list goes on. The health care crisis in this country, education crisis, climate crisis, food crisis all over the world. We are in hell. But as long as the iphone 70 is coming out, a new color of the season is out perri perri sparkle dust sunshine pink, a new dance trend, ai trend (fuck ass ai trend), we are all good, we keep pushing because its not us so why would i care? I am good, I’m focusing on my grind, i am going to the youngest most successful billionaire by 25 and I’m building an empire, making moves in silence, keep my circle small, trusting no one and I’m mysterious, cant let my opps know what I’m on and so on and so forth.

I am not writing this essay to tell you what you should do with your life, i don’t care, what i do care about is we are loosing the art of community and giving parts of ourselves to other people with the hope of building community. “everyone wants a village but doesn’t want to be a villager” is one of the most realest things i have heard. Because whether we like it or not, we do owe each other and we owe each other to save ourselves and each other. You cant complain that nobody is nice to you and everyone is out to get you and you keep encountering bad people if you don’t inconvenience yourself to pursue love or friendships, it doesn’t work like that. You have to meet people where they are, you need to put yourself in people’s shoes. (empathy) There was some birthday debate that happened months ago on this app where someone was saying if you invite me to your birthday dinner and not cover everyone’s meals or expect me to cover my own bill then i cant be your friend anymore. I was so taken a back because that is such a weird thing to say… Because what! This your friend, what if she doesn’t have money, should she not celebrate her birthday? Doesn’t she not deserve sunshine on her day? Isn’t the entire point of friendship to care about each other and love each other? And if you love someone, isn’t the point, they are worth the inconvenience?

We are soo selfish that our capacity to love others and show up for others is getting smaller and smaller by the day. I think capitalism is insidious for this, because we are loosing community in pursuit of superficial things, because in as much as money is important, what’s the point of having everything when you have nobody to share your life with? Because if you cant show up for friends birthday, what does say about your character? Do you believe that you make any friends if you are self centered and mean? Who would want to be friends with you, if any chance you get, you step on people on your way to the top? And even if you have people around you, who are equally as disingenuous, do you think a life where you constantly have look over your shoulder is a life worth living? And the worst thing is capitalism yet again has solutions for everything, because if you are a shitty person to be around, the only person/thing that can accommodate you is an AI chat box, because it is a built in friend, you don’t need to be kind to it, its a fucking robot, it regurgitates your evilness back to you so that you don’t need to do any internal work, you don’t need to be an emotionally functioning human being.

This topic is especially very triggering to me because i am studying to become a therapist and each and everyday this field gets me angry because some of you in this field don’t deserve to work with people, you are extremely unkind. Why do you as a therapist have to argue against basic human rights? Isn’t it your whole shtick to love and empathize with people? How are you in a medical field and a horrible and unkind person? Or any social science as of that? You are a lawyer who a Zionist, a sociologist who is racist, a psychologist who is homophobic, in what world should such a thing exist? Your job is to maintain the dignity and sovereignty of people, to serve people with unconditional positive regard and compassion and you are failing? Did all the stones/computers finish in this world, because you will find more luck in engineering because apparently stones/computers don’t require you to be emotionally engaged with people.

Being kind and compassionate, is an action of pure strength. Being vulnerable is not weakness, being iffy/scared to show up for your loved ones is weird because they don’t always want to use you because that’s what people do when they care about one another, people advocating for marginalized people are not dumb, they don’t do it because they think it is practical and a march is going to suddenly give people their rights back (“what is the point it does nothing?”), they do it because they are hopeful for a better future, they want more for others because they believe everyone deserves more, nobody has to prove their worth to be deserving of better health care, education, be ridden of war because everybody by the fact they exist, deserve more. I don’t repost free Palestine/Sudan/Congo because i think my Instagram post is going to convince big Netty to let my people go, i do it because i believe their voices deserve to be heard and amplified, it doesn’t require anything of me to know genocide is bad, i don’t need to know the entire history of Israel and Palestine to know that bombing innocent children who had nothing to do with a war started 70 years ago is bad. Saying you don’t have enough information to speak on anything is a problem because there is nothing holding you back from learning, you are choosing to be ignorant because your privilege allows you to. I don’t need to be told that being harmful and hateful towards a group of people for existing is wrong, i should know.

We are getting really comfortable with being mean and i don’t like it nor appreciate it all. There is a rampant rise in far right ideologies that we as a society are normalizing. We are saying slurs so casually… Is it not clicking to some of you that all of these problems are of our doing, because we don’t care enough to stop platforming these ideologies. Why are there debates on the internet about nazi vs progressives? These people need to be put down. Feminists vs Anti feminists, are concepts that should not exist because what exactly is there to debate? Homophobes vs Allies? What are we even talking about. These archaic conversations we are having are the reason why are are in deep shit, and we will stay deep in it because we are not outgrowing some things. Why are basic human rights up for debate? “I think women should maybe be allowed to do whatever they want” “umm actually i don’t know about that because…” because what? That should be an absolute statement, full stop. And the um actually person needs to be put down because they are a cancer to progress, we cant want progress and still have debates on said progress, it doesn’t work like that unfortunately.

In smoothyoki’s video, he says if you want more kind people in the world you need to be that kind person first. He further goes to explain he used to get bullied a lot because he was from Africa, which really affected him and he made the decision that as he grew older, he would be the person that who would not make people feel bad about where they came from and who they were, especially over things that are not within their control. He says since he was made to feel bad about his existence and who he was as a person a very big chunk of his childhood, he would be damned if he allowed himself to turn out like them. He also says he isn’t perfect either but he is trying and that trial is what everybody should embody. I think for me this message deeply resonates with me, because i have also experienced a great deal of bad things, i mean A LOT of bad things. And these experiences though bad have really gone to shape who i am as a person because i refuse to let myself be a product of all the horrible things i have faced, i move about this life with immense grace and gratitude, and this grace and gratitude i award myself first, because i understand i can fall short sometimes but i will do better. I also understand others fall short too and there is room for them to do better, and this allows me to meet people where they are, because everybody is deserving of grace, even ourselves.

Ruby diamond’s videos breathe a lot of life into me because they embrace radical optimism and radical acceptance that i think everyone should strive to embody.

“Your enough because you exist and your existence is enough because you are NOT a product”

“grateful for everything that forced me to love myself more”

“life has no limitations except the ones you make. be limitless.”

“it is what we do out of love and courage that live far after we are gone’

All quotes from her and i think, they are absolutely beautiful. Because you need to be kind to yourself first before you can show kindness to anyone. A lot of us, carry a lot of unspoken baggage that are not of our doing and not our fault but it is at the end of the day our responsibility to free ourselves. I know it is probably a very easy thing for me to say and i know the steps required to act on this is hard, but if you are determined and finally allow yourself to believe you are deserving of more then you can make the change. There is no nobility in being a slave to your misery, let go, free yourself. You are deserving of everything your heart truly desires, allow yourself to receive your blessings. And for the hand that takes, it should be ready to give. Be the change you want to see, goodness will always prevail, who ever said being good doesn’t take you far is a person trying to steal the light out of our eyes(soul) don’t let them.

Heyy!! Kaki here, how are you:) Hope you are well. So today we shall be discussing grown folk business, so if you are a child, i would recommend you scroll. If you are a first time reader, welcome, i hope you like it here, if you are a regular you know what this paragraph is about, this who's opinion? MINE, ME KAKI, KARATU, i don't give room for bean souping and if you disagree with me that's perfectly fine, keep it cute tho<3 Enjoy and do share your thoughts, peace and love <3

I love sex, i really really really do. I think sex can be beautiful, intimate, filled with passion, intense, rewarding and fulfilling. I also think sex can be shameful. Outwardly admitting and talking about one's desires can be shameful. I think maybe the person reading this might have been taken a back intentionally or unintentionally by that opening statement, because saying you love sex can be jarring. It can be even more jarring coming from a woman, a black woman, an African woman. But why?

Does me talking about my desires struck a nerve? It does for me at least. I would go into all the ways i love sex, how i like it, what i do, what i like my partner to do to me, but i wont go into it, why? What if my parents/family come across this? What if my work place/school/church comes across this? What if, what if, what if? So many what ifs but not so many whys the ‘what ifs’ exist? From my personal end i know why, but do you?

I think from a very young age, i understood what sex meant to me as a woman, even though i did not fully understand what sex was. I think my first interaction with sex was non consensual, just like many women. I believe i was about 4 years old, i had gone to play at a neighbour's place and her older cousins, asked me if i wanted to watch porn. I had no understanding of what porn was so i said , no i want to watch mikey mouse club house because that's what i would typically watch when i went to their place because we did not have dstv (iykyk, it was a big deal back in 2009). I would like to believe that happened but a very big chunk of my memory especially pertaining sexual assult was wiped from my memory, because you know trauma response, silly thing!🤪. But my mind likes to believe this encounter happened though, i have no real clear recollection of that day or anything that really happened to me but i believe something happened.

I know what you are probably thinking, yikes, that's really devastating, so sorry that happened to you, um thanks? But for me and i believe for a lot of women it's quite literally a day in the life. Sexual assult is quite a norm to the female experience, it could be getting catcalled by mjego people coming from school at class 4, it could be that creepy weird uncle who insists you hug them at age 13, it could be the matatu tout who gropes you on your way out of the mat, or it could be your boyfriend at 15 who even after saying you dont know if you want to, kinda convinces you so you just give in because you love him and believe he loves you and you want to make him happy.

All of these are the realities women go through on a day to day basis and unfortunately it never ends, because you know men, “visual creatures” “boys will be boys” “i mean your revealing top/short skirt was a signal, because you CLEARLY WERE ASKING FOR IT”. So you might be wondering, very crazy way to begin your essay and an even crazier title, what's your point, because clearly so far, everything is quite contradictory. Lucky for you, me being the amazing writer that i am, i have a point, i always have a point and i will get into it, very soon.

Sex had always been at the forefront of my development into who i am as a person because in our home like many homes, sex was a taboo topic. It hardly ever was talked about and when it was briefly touched on, it came from a purity, religious lense, an extremely patriarchal lense. My body was for my husband to be and the virtue of chastity was something i had to carry with me because ALL my value as a woman relied solely on what lied between my legs and what i chose to do with my vagina determined whether i was worthy enough to be married or even for a man to see me as somebody worth being with.

“Slut” a word i heard first when i was about 14. My mother had found out i had gone out with a boy in my neighbour for a walk and was extremely disappointed in me, she said “endelea tu kutembea na vijana wote wa *insert estate name* kila mtu atajua wewe ni malaya na hakuna mtu atataka kukuoa” yikes on bikes, i know you can imagine, telling this to a child, right… And this word would follow me all through my adult life, the difference is nowadays it really doesn't affect me like it used to only because i have decentered men and have started centering myself and my pleasure.

I think growing up in such an environment can really scare how one relates to their body and sexuality. Because one hand, i am hypersexual because of the possible sexual assult that happened to me as a child and on the other my need to be this perfect, good, pure, chastise girl, who had some really shitty parents who reinforced shame and guilt, guilt in desire, because how dare this growing obviously hormonal teenagers want to fuck. And being super religious didn't help either because religion reinforces that there is something wrong with you from the time you are born, “you are born into sin” and your sin, well my sin, would be lust and it didn't help either that i had yet another sin, homosexuality, like damn double homocide, like for real for real god made me like this? He couldn't have given me a better model, skill issue on his end i fear.

So naturally i prayed duhh, i mean yeah i probably was touched as a child and it made me like this and obviously it's my fault because freewill duhh and me being hypersexual is my fault again duhh because i didn't pray hard enough or i was already cooked from the start and whatever, yeah checks out… so basically me bound by shame and religious guilt made me have an extremely toxic relationship to my body and my sexuality because how dare a woman want sex, she is obviously an object for a man's desire and sex is obviously an action done to her not like she is a willing consensual partner because how dare she, “WHORE!”.

That was until i deconstructed religion and led me to me deconstructing just about everything else, including patriarchy. And the one freedom that came with deconstructed all of this bullshit was sex. Because now for the first time in my life, i did not feel disgusted by it, my body did not feel disgusting. I believed for a good chunk of my life i was probably asexual or allergic to sex because all it did was hurt and i was bored and never finished. It felt like a task, i always dreaded having sex because it would always end so fast, and the man i was having sex made me feel like he left a stain, dirty disgusting stain, because the way he would handle me or looked at me made me feel like shit.

That was until i met a really evil man, Mr R. (Isnt really evil, long story) but Mr R met me at the point where i was at my 7 months celibacy journey and mostly working on myself, my self imagine/esteem, my relationship to sex, deconstruction of patriarchy and religion. And when i met him, i had raised all my concerns pertaining to sex, because I told them i hated sex and he said “aight bet say less” and guys… *sigh* i can confirm, unfortunately, for everyone involved (me) sex is all that, i know…

I dont know what evil spell this man has/had on me but i never knew new heights could ever be reached. And the thing is, the reason why this evil man was able to do what he did was because he doesn't hate women. Shocker? I dont think so. The reason why sex was that good and remains undefeated till date was because he actually gives a fuck about women's pleasure and respects the fuck out women.

Correlation=Causation? I dont know, but only a woke man can touch you the way you deserve to be touched. A man who doesn't believe your worth decreases immediately he touches you or someone else touches you, respects your boundaries, will not have sex with you intoxicated, will ask you what they should improve on and actually does, will only cum if you cum, sees you as your own autonomous person who doesn't feel the need to control you and what you do or wear and cares what you have to say about anything and everything, will for sure make a better lover. Because unfortunately a misogynist, will bring misogyny into the bedroom and boy will it suck.

And i think as a woke woman who has healed a lot of past traumas and personal issues and is still working on said issues i can confirm, that getting woke and leaving that fuck ass religion has helped because i am actually getting orgasms without feeling guilty because my pleasure is at my forefront, everything i do is for myself, i touch myself without feeling like there is an invisible eye watching me in the corner of my room (god is everywhere), when i dont like something i will say, if i did not enjoy said sex i will say, if i feel tired and want a break i dont force myself to keep going because the man hasn't finished and a man who truly cares about you, your wellbeing and overrall sexual wellbeing should care enough to make it conducive for you.

I hold little to no value within myself when it come to sex because i understand there is more to me than what my genitals have to offer, if i see someone and like them and want to sleep with them i will (safely of course) because i am an adult woman, why would care about innocence and preserving myself, im i child? And why shouldnt your partner want you to be fully consenting? Why should you be hard to get? Why do you get off to the idea that you are hard to get and it's usually at the cost of others, other women who choose to exercise their autonomy? Shame is so crazy because it holds you back from experiencing some of the best orgasms of your life because you are so worried about the man in your head, who should be dead right now.

I think everyone should be allowed to do whatever they want, i am all for that, the virgins can remain virgins, the whores can remain whores and i think we can live in a world where both can exist without SHAME and judgement. However, (nuance take), I think if the religious women left that religion, picked up a dildo/rose toy/vibrator without feeling guilty and awful for touching themselves with their fingers or even weren't so prudish about “catching bodies” and stop fucking on lames, “the whole dick cant be that good or sex cant be that good” talks would be put to rest because if you had good sex, you would understand it is all that and more.

(The “um aschually” people 🤓☝️WE KNOW, IT DOESN'T APPLY TO EVERYONE, WE KNOW, SHUT UP. Not every single context that is specific to you should be added in order for you to understand the message)

Heyyy dias <333 Are we all right? Or all left? * LAUGH! * I hope we are good tho, just checking in. Interesting title? Right? we will dive into the bisexual men discourse and i want us to open our minds, if you are reading my work for the first time hello:), if you are a regular you know what this paragraph is about, this KAKI’s opinion and KAKI’s account, please apply nuance and i dont give room for bean souping. Enjoy, share your thoughts, peace and love<33

So about 1 month ago if i am not wrong, Nyamweru posted a very interesting question in her subscribers chat (not verbatim) but it was something along the lines of what are your thoughts on men wearing make up, dressing up and being “feminine” and would you date them. And as you can imagine the responses, it was straight women saying they would never and all their reasons were “IT'S MY PREFERENCE” “IT'S MY OPINION” which ties back to the conversations happening right now on WOKE tiktok, straight women saying they would never date a bisexual man. Very full circle if you asked me because i had meant to write this essay 1 month ago but i have been extremely busy but with what's happening right now online i think this is the perfect time to write on this. I am going to give you my unbiased, very nuanced opinion on this topic because i have a few things to say about all this.

(So i would like to start from Nyamweru's question and then build to the bisexual question)

In the subscribers chat, i had touched on gender and how gender is a social construct and how it now trickles down to gender expression and how rigid it can be. I believe that the root of the problem in this conversation is misogyny and specifically internalised misogyny that is seen in women and how it is projected onto men. Because there is nothing inherent about make up being a woman thing and fun fact make up was a man thing in the past, heels too, it was intially a man's shoe, the color pink was a man's color too, skirts etc all of these items that are regarded as women's items are not inherent to “womanhood/ness” but why do we associate them with women? Because society decided upon that, in the same way a while back society decided the above items were men's items, and this is because all that we know and interact with when it comes to gender expression is entirely manufactured.

Why im i bringing this up? Good question. Because when straight cis women, come onto the internet and claim to not want to be with a certain kind of man just on the basis of their gender expression while defending this prejudice by saying it's a preference is a little odd to me because just because it is a preference that doesn't mean it's not exclusionary and not wanting to explore and understand where this preference is rooted in is the problem. Because nobody is saying you must date a man who likes to dress a little extravagantly the question is why would wouldn't you? Why is your idea of masculinity only one rigid way? Is it a matter of attraction or rather their attraction to you? Does make up, a skirt make them less heterosexual?? And why do you associate said traits to homosexuality? (Internalized homophobia) And is the reason why you associate those traits to homosexuality because it's “female like?” And what's wrong with being “female” like? Aren't you a woman? (Internalised misogyny)

The “it's not that deep” crowd, unfortunately for you, it is very much that deep. Every single belief, preference we hold are rooted in everything we interact with, we are a product of our surroundings, whether you agree or not. We dont wake up liking things and similarly hating things, our experience shape our preferences. And knowingly and unknowingly bigotry can shape our preferences. But challenging our internal biases can help us understand why we have our beliefs and preferences. And the very first step is asking yourself questions. (Like i had in the previous paragraph) And unfortunately your preference can be a bad preference if it is directly affecting others in an indirect way, because you saying i want a manly man re-enforces rigid patriarchal, colonial standards which harms the men involved because now they have to cosplay “manliness” even if it is not inherent to them. And in a way harms you as a woman because due to the hierarchy in place you will also be forced to cosplay femininity which is very rigid and rooted in a lot of weird shit, like pedophilic standards.

Also i am pretty sure you have heard time and time again that gender is a social construct, gender expression too and to an extent sex is also a social construct (but that's a conversation many people are not ready for). So if we have an understanding that gender is a social construct, i would like to now introduce the bisexual men conversation here because i believe it all crosses over because the point many of these women are making is they dont want to date men who are women, point blank period, however you feel about my sentiment here is all on you because bottom line the problem is femininity and how men express said femininity.

Bisexual- Bisexuality is defined as having romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behavior towards more than one gender or attraction that is not limited by sex or gender. (According to Wikipedia)

Now that we have the definition, i want to pose a question, does bisexuality mean gay? And by gay what exactly is your definition of gay? Is it dressing feminine? Is it primarily only taking dih? Right… so what exactly is the problem? If it is about same sex attraction or in this case 2 gender attraction, does that mean the bisexual man is attracted to women any less? Do you see how dumb most of the people on this train sound? Because assuming this bisexual man is very masculine presenting as per patriarchal standards has never had sex with a man, does that erase his bisexuality? Does his attraction make him less of a man, a less worthy partner to you? He could tick all your mental boxes in what your looking for in a partner but just because he is ALSO attracted to men that immediately disqualifies him? And if that's the case, wouldn't an argument made that the problem is men be substantial, not femininity? (This is not a gender issue, we are so over that, open your mind)

On tiktok i saw some creator bring up a very important comparison that can perfectly describe what im getting at. She said this bisexual men conversation can be equated to purity/rape culture and she explained that the problem most women are having with this is the potential idea that their man might have bent over by another man and so they are gay and not worthy. And you know what that sounds like “a woman with a high body count is damaged”. There is an episode on insecure (the issa rae show) that her best friend was seeing some guy and they were hitting it off and genuinely falling in love but when she found out that the guy had ever experimented with another guy she was immediately turned off, mind you the guy wasn't even bisexual he just tried it and knew it wasn't for him. The funny thing is the conversation began when she was telling him a similar story when in college she had a “lesbian phase”. When she told her friends they told her he was gay and should end things with him and defended her reasoning on why it's “different” for women. The reason why it's different is because of misogyny and in turn homophobia.

I brought up that example in order to draw parallels…. because this example also explains why lesbians, bisexual women or queer women are better received as compared to queer men. The reason why everyone is in such an uproar is because femininity is disregarded and everything associated with it, including women (misogyny). The reason why the idea a man is taking dih is so disgusting is because the man's penis dirties, it dirties by taking, the people engaging in sexual relationships with men are not regarded as an equal participant in sex, they are not subjects of sex rather the objects (women and men) that's why the value decreases and are not seen as worthy.

And for women having to have been subject of patriarchal oppression and having internalised all of this harmful rhetoric and bigotry, it becomes very difficult for one to identify when they are perpetuating these harmful ideas because of being victims for so long we dont realise we can be the aggressors. Your preference which you are entitled to can be harmful and rooted in bigotry. You are not excused for doing “the bad thing” just because people have been doing “the bad thing” to you.

I also feel like people confuse the point of this conversation, nobody is telling you you MUST get a bisexual boyfriend, what we are saying is the reasons why you are against it is weird and odd. Bisexual is an identifying marker of a sexual orientation not being forced to see gay sex, you will live i promise. Unlearn all of this toxic shit you are holding onto, free yourself diva, it's high time we let go of rigid gender roles and rigid gender expression, free yourself and the men in your life and the men should free themselves too, i promise you wearing a tinted lip bamb doesnt mean your taking aggressive dih.

Heyyyy!!! Long time no essay (: Life got so serious i am not writing as much as i used to but nalock in I promise!!

As always lets put our thinking caps on, nuance is important and i dont give room for people to bean soup recipe my work, this KAKI’s opinion and MY ACCOUNT, keep it cute and share your thoughts, peace and love<333

If you have been in any substack sato meet ups you know my catch phrase “when i doubt blame capitalism” ~Karatu :) But I have realized i have never really written about capitalism because there is so many lenses and intersections one can write on that topic that i have never really had one specific lense until now…. Recently i have had 2 encounters that have really shaped the direction in which i want this essay to go and i want to discuss my views on capitalism in relation to class especially in our kenyan society, i will mostly focus on the middle class and our contribution to why the systems in place are collapsing and how class or rather the absence of class consciousness is playing a role in all of this.

So recently my phone got stolen “nilikaribishwa nairobi” and through the entire thing i had little to no panic, mostly because i am super regulated and chill asf but also at the back of my mind i did not see it as a problem because i had this guaranteed belief that it would be replaced almost immediately. And so i go to work on friday (phone got stolen on Thursday) and i tell my co workers my situation and one asks me why im not panicked i tell them well i called my mom in the morning and she was like come home we deal with it (meaning we will replace it) and one of them says “eish sawa rich kid” and i was so offended, because girl rich?? Yohh that's a stretch, we are at best comfortable.

But that thought stayed with me because, why did i feel so offended and why did i feel the need to explain my financial situation even though it was not my fault, i was just born where i was and so it made me think… Because that was not the first time the word rich kid was thrown at me and i dont think it would be my last because i like most middle class children are oblivious to their privilege. We don't recognise the privilege we have because it is “normal” and besides, to a very large extent somebody has more than you, because i mean sure my phone got replaced in 1 day but there is somebody who is driving an audi, Mercedes, range rover in your age group me or you are barely in the “rich” tax bracket.

And that is a problem. A problem not of our own doing but a systemic problem, because whether we like it or not class is a very big problem in this country, class division and lack of class consciousness, because to some extent we as a society are unable to identify and see clearly through the injustices that take place in our day to day life because we are so busy engulfed in ourselves to notice.

I think the very first time i had clearly seen class disparities was over this past weekend. Like i knew class was a problem but i think i saw it very evidently when I went to eastlands for the first time. (Before you crucify me, i live very close to Muranga, im a sub urban village girl, what would be doing in eastlands?) This is coming from a person who only goes to the cbd area of nairobi, west side of nairobi so going to eastlands was so eye opening because why does it look like that? Genuinely? Its manufactured because there is no reason why the roads should be getting worse the more east you go, there is no reason why it should smell like that, why are all the industries there? Waste, poor drainage, sewage? I was so shocked because nobody should live like this and the thing its on purpose….

The fact that clean air is a privilege is absurd to me, because i live in a place that is very ushago coded, and so coming those sides i was like what the hell because nobodyshould live like this. Noise pollution is something i have never conceptualized because its not a reality i get to live. Clean water is also privilege, that is absurd. Living in a place that is not congested is also a privilege which is insane to me because there is no reason why people should like this.

Then having those 2 things happen almost concurrently has changed how i look at class and mostly class consciousness, because most conversations being had about class is from a exclusionary point of view where upholders of classism are fighting with those being excluded or rather those being affected by class disparities. But for me i want start a conversation on how those who benefit from class have no idea that they do and are so desensitised from the privilege that they have due to class that is negatively affecting others and themselves because of the need to uphold classism.

I want first put a disclaimer on this point because i dont want anyone to misunderstand what i am trying to get at and i also dont want anyone to misconstrued my message. My point is the people who benefit from capitalism and then on par classism, should acknowledge and sit with the discomfort that comes with understanding that all the benefits and privileges you get to enjoy come at the cost of other people's lives. Which is not your fault because we don't choose where we are born but we have a responsibility to those who werent as lucky to help. Help them enjoy the privileges you have enjoyed your entire life by advocating for them better.

Because poverty is systemic. It manufactured and on purpose and designed to keep those who benefit to keep benefiting and those who arent, you know….. Because there is no reason why the further you go east more potholes on the roads increase, your government who is mandated to serve everyone should fix their roads. There is no reason why industries should be set up where people are living and there is no proper regulation of waste. You get to enjoy clean air because no industry is going to be set up in a suburb, the rich will complain and are the rich going to work in said industries? I dont think so, so why dont youadvocate for better wages for others? Better pollution control?

Also this might feel like right message, wrong messenger type of essay because what im i going to do distribute my father's small wealth in order to fix these problems? I don't think so. Im i going to say we should not participate in the system entirely? I dont think so either, because i don't think that's the solution we need. I believe the solution to the immediate problem is advocacy and educating oneself and others on said topics because in order to make any impactful change we need to understand what exactly is going on and what immediate measures to take.

Because by understanding that the system is flawed by design but waking up and standing for something is change in itself. It doesn't have to immediate but gradual, holding your government accountable, asking them to do what is required of them, voting, signing petitions, bringing up issues that are worth petitioning over, educating yourself on politics, educating others, all of these are important steps towards change.

In conclusion, yes i am a “rich kid” however because of the privilege i have with said title i believe i have more responsibility in taking a step towards full change, because i have resources, time, education to keep coming onto the Internet and constantly barking about “woke dogma” because with “great power comes great responsibility” and just because i have the privilege to not care doesn't mean i shouldn't.

Everytime i am faced with the possibility of letting someone see me, even though that's the one thing that i truly desire in this world, i push back on it. I don't really think it's from a place of not feeling like i am deserving of being seen, i think it's from a place of what if what they see is not what they truly want, because what if or rather perhaps what i have allowed them to see is an idea of me? Because everyone falls in love or rather is enamoured by the idea of me, which isn't really me because i don't allow anyone past the idea. I think it's quite paradoxical if you think about it, i truly desperately want to be seen but i refuse to let myself be seen and the idea that people fall in love with is not enough to make people want to stay.

✨️Manic pixie dream girl ✨️

A term i heard once when i was 15 after watching Scott Pilgrim vs the world, and it stuck with me and i would even argue rewired how i view myself and how i interact with people especially those i am romantically pursuing or pursuing me. As i watched more and more movies i found myself relating more and more to the female characters with that archetype and in a way shaped my identity around them. Summer from 500 days before summer, Ramona Flowers from Scott pilgrim, Ruby Sparks from Ruby Sparks, Celine from Before sunset, all women who i saw myself in.

Because in a way, my personality and how i view life and the world served as a means for the male protagonist's story, my entire existence was to serve him, irregadless of it being intentional or not, because everyone sees me as this fun, “silly”, carefree, deep, smart, very confident, self assured, interesting woman who is also at the same time very beautiful and so in a way i was an anomaly, an outlier, “a unicorn”. My existence to this shallow boring average man was like a breath of fresh air, because my complexities were new and fresh that they were not used to because i was “different” but does different really mean good?

I am a writer, a poet but im i really, or im i just a woman? I have a lot to say all the time which is not usual for a woman, a woman in a society that is reliant on her silence. I am so self assured, i have no outward insecurities or rather those i project outwardly because I am okay with myself and in my naivety i hold a belief that these are admirable traits, traits worth being seen for but at the same time it is a problem because i don't bow down to “the man”, i existence entirely on my own accord and i have full autonomy which is not regarded as good because again, my submission to “the man” is rewarded, i am never rewarded. But what exactly is the reward i am looking for, is it “the man” i refuse to bow down to, or do i in some way want “the man” to bow down to me, or do i just want “the man” to see me as whole, as me, as Angela not as a woman?

I really wish it would as easy as to say, don't date men, find yourself, you are okay on your own, but im really? What do i do with this attraction and this need for human connection, what do i do when sometimes all i want is to have someone look at me and say they love me and they are proud of me? Im a bad person for wanting that? Do lack for wanting that? I dont believe i do, i am quite whole, i have so much love for myself that i refuse to let this need for connection override what my true first goal and desire is, to be seen as human first before i am seen as a person to be a partner or a woman to be a partner. I love myself so much that i refuse to find myself in situations why i am compromising myself in the name of connection.

But at the same time, what if this love i hold for myself is taking presidence so much that i am not making room to be loved by others? What if in the name of self preservation i am putting myself at a disadvantage for finding true connections because this “love” could just be walls, i am actively building? What if im comfortable in the confides of these walls that i am complaining about? What if i yearn for freedom from the walls that im actively building to hide myself and complain when i create a small crack for people who also have walls and are also not free and are talking to me from their cracks of their walls? Maybe because it's safer? I dont know if i would say safer, maybe familiar?

“We accept the love we think we deserve” another phrase that has deeply resonated with me and i believe this to be true. But i would argue “we accept the love we believe to be best for us” should have been the correct framing of the of phrase, are they exactly alike? Perhaps. But does the weight that comes with the word “deserve” feel heavy? Yes, yes it does, because i feel like the word deserve, comes from a place of lacking. I don't really think when we put ourselves in situations where we compromise ourselves is necessarily from a place of lacking, it is usually from a place of wanting and desiring because i dont think we really settle for less because we dont want more for ourselves and just feel that is the best we can do, i believe it's from a place of wanting, not need not lack, wanting, desire and desire can be selfish.

You could have a full life full of love, full of joy, full of everything and still want more. I want more. I want to come home from a long day of work even if it's just once a week and have some to hold me through the night and kiss me. Doesn’t mean i dont have love in my life, i do i just want more. But my problem is i want only that, just once a week to experience that because my life is already so full. And it begs the question, im i really willing to let myself experience this even if there is a real possibility of having to let myself be seen? Is it something i truly want or do i just want to keep being a background character that helps the protagonist's character arch develop? Or is it finally my turn to be the protagonist and will i embrace it when it comes or will i just keep hiding in the walls i am building as i make small cracks to observe the outside world, closed off enough to be safe but open enough to experience love just at a safe distance?

I am so tired of pretending that i dont hate god and religion. I am also so tired of pretending that deep down when i hear people say they are Christian i don't feel immediate disgust or disdain. Like yes i understand why you have religion and i respect your right to have it but that's as far as i can go because deep down when i look at you, i think to myself you are so fucking dumb, you are so so utterly stupid and your religion is stupid and your god is stupid. And i know this is about to be offensive but that is just unfortunately how i feel, because deep down when i look you say you believe in the bible i cant help but think that this grown ass adult dead ass in their hearts of hearts believes that an old man built a boat and had all animals in it and there was a flood that covered the entire world, that is a globe, a kangaroo from Australia hopped to the middle east and the penguins in Antarctica swam to come to the middle east, i genuinely believe you lack some form of critical thinking because in what world is that even possible. What did the animals eat? What about bio hazards? Sewage management? How tf did 8 people who are related repopulate the earth? When you tell me you believe in god and take the bible as truth that is what is running through my mind.

My other problem is the cognitive dissonance or rather emotional disonance that comes with religion whichis appalling to me. Because what do you mean when god takes the wheel everything falls in line, what about those without a wheel? Religion really makes people to some degree very apathetic and makes them lack compassion, because what about other people? What makes you so special that god helped you with your wheel? Your plans are falling in life, you are blessed and life is good, good for you, but what about those in abject poverty, what about those with chronic illness, what about those surviving sexual assault, domestic violence, assault in general? What about those in a genocide state? Why is your God's grace so insufficient to those people? Didn't he create them? Doesn't he love them the way he loves you? And how can you in good faith get behind such a system? How do you sleep at night everyday feeling happy and good about yourself and all the favor and blessings god has given YOU and not others? People in gaza, Sudan, congo are facing atrocities they had no part in, what about their freewill? The babies? The babies being abducted in kenya, women being killed, what about their freewill? What about epstein island, was your god asleep when children were being trafficked and eaten? How do you feel everyday praying and thanking god about his protection over your child, niece, nephew, grandchild but ignore the fact that the mother who has lost their child was not granted said protection? What makes your child so special? What makes you so special as a woman that you were not killed and other women were killed, and you pray everyday and thank god everyday for his protection over you and his overall providence? Your religion makes you a bad person, you are a bad person even without realising it. You say it's God's grace that everything is going great in your life but in reality you were just lucky, the dice that was rolled before your conception is the reason why you were born in kenya not in gaza, because if it is truly god behind it then that is not a god worth worship and i would even argue god is a bad person, because the baby who is born in a state that since their conception all they have ever heard was bombing has no freewill, god had a key part in it's prevention but did nothing, and i would even argue his allowance of the baby's conception in such a place is intention, he did it on purpose, he makes everything and everyone right, so that would mean he made that baby in gaza knowing they would be limbless.

I am angry about everything, i open my phone daily to atrocities, i look outside, misery and dispair, i hate it here and i hate it all of this even more because the concept of god exists, his shear existence makes me violently angry. I hate that bad things happen. I hate that i experience bad things and i have experienced A LOT of bad things but somehow someone else is having it worse and it makes me feel very selfish that i feel like my problems are the end of the world problems while i can eat 3 meals a day, i have a home to go cry about my problems, i have clothes, i can go to school, i can go out and see my friends and my shitty life is on pause for a few hours. But some people dont have that privilege and it makes me sad, it makes me really really miserable to think of it.

I could be complaining about a shitty day i had, but guess what my day isn't as shitty or even half as shitty as someone who lives in DRC, a woman living in DRC, i am not getting violently raped as a war crime everyday since i was as young as i could remember. I don't live a life where i dont know any other normalisy other than bomb strikes from the time i was born. I dont know what it's like to have to be denied food aid by another country who decides to play red light green light as i go for food (gaza and Israel). And with all of this i cant imagine saying thank you god for keeping me and my family because what exactly have i done that is of great importance that god chose me but not a child being raped and praying everyday that god saves them. I feel angry that a situation like Afghanistan exists, i have privilege to even have a voice, a voice to write this and complain and lament and be angry while women in the exact same planet i am on have 0 rights, they have no rights and god is comfortable with all of this???

I hate god, i really really do. I hate that an all loving, all knowing, all seeing, all everyday is complacent to human suffering and human beings he created, he set us up from the jump. I hate this world, i hate all the hate that exists, i hate opening a tiktok comment section and seeing people say the most vile cruel things, i hate the meaness and animosity that comes with this world. I hate all the anger i see, i feel, i am so angry all the time, i am angry about things i can't control and wish i could control. I feel helpless and sad with how everything is like, people dont get a livable wage, no healthcare, no education, the fact that sickness exists, i hate the idea that a person has cancer and doesn't have access to good healthcare services because of how everything is fucked. We are all fucked.

I hate the idea that billionaires exist and get to play god and some people are so brainwashed that they believe that they dont need to do better here on earth because they will get everything in heaven while a bunch of selfish greedy losers get to build heaven on earth. And i hate the fact these greedy selfish losers are only that rich because of their exploitation of others, modern day slavery and colonisation because all they do is extract and steal and oppress and i hate that religion is used to justify that, was used to justify that. Im black and the only reason why i know Jesus is because of colonisation and i hate that jesus slept through colonisation and slavery the same exact way he is sleeping through genocide. I hate everything about a god who can see 400 years of subjugation and oppression do absolutely nothing about it, he is useless.

I hate it all, i am mad about god or rather the idea behind a god. For a very good chunk of my life i have really suppressed these feelings i have towards religion because of “respectablity politics” because it is quite controversial and nerve wrecking to say all the things i have mentioned to an audience who's entire identity is built on religion or god and coming a very religious background i had a lot of things to say that i have never said or was never really given the opportunity to say and i am pretty sure the religious person reading is probably clutching their pearls as we speak but i honestly dont give a fuck, sincerely i am so tired everything and i am more so tired of the institution of religion, i hate everything about it. And by religion i mean ALL OF THEM, i hate all of them.

I hate that your religion is used to justify harm and reinforce prejudice and hate and bigotry (anti lgbtq rhetoric) i hate the misogyny and patriarchal standards religion upholds (and as a woman i think you are dumb for following a religion that regards you as a secondary citizen, I SAID WHAT I SAID) I hate that religion was used to justify slavery and colonisation (im black i cant get behind it, sorry, if you forgave colonisation, i did not, and honestly fuck them) i also hate the fact that a rapist/pedophile/abuser has a chance to go to heaven because he apologised and “repented” but a person who was not fully convinced of his existence because there wasn't enough evidence but is a good person is damned in eternity in hell or a gay person who's only crime was to love is damned in hell for eternity, i don't think that is a god worth serving. (Mind you he made them like that). I hate that religion makes people shrink themselves and not fully be themselves because of how rigid religion is, i hate religion breeds anti intellectualism (religion limits your ability to think critically and in turn that breeds stupidity, because if you can't question anything then your ability to acquire more knowledge is by default limited, because the root of intelligence is curiosity, everything we know to be true is because people were curious and if im in a religion that tells me to believe and have faith and not ask anything then why the fuck why want to be in said religion, im hungry for knowledge, i have a thirst to know, im always thinking and questioning everything, but you cant do that in a religion and in turn your religion makes you stupid because you argue from a place of ignorance)

Anyway, my point of this essay was to rant, im angry and sad about everything and i feel so overwhelmed and i feel like if i was religious it would be probably easy to cope because at least you after this shit show of the world, you get to have a redo without all the mess and you will be in peace and whatever religious believe and i honestly can hold space for that, religion is as much as i have shit on it in my essay is so nuanced and i dont fault people for believing and choosing to follow it, i think it's a very crucial part of human existence and i can respect people's right to have religion. I on the other hand, i am raw dogging life and it's shit it's absolute dog shit, i dont want to cope with this life, i want better, i dont believe in hell or heaven, i want heaven here, i want to live a life where suffering is not a key part of my existence as a human being, i dont to slave away my life to this capitalistic machine only to die and be replaced, i don't want to live life as a woman on high alert all the time for the rest of my life, i dont want to be have to work 50 times more just to prove myself and still never be enough because in the eyes of a man im just a woman, i don't want to ever have to feel like im an “other” in my country because white people are there and we have to make room for them. Because unlike the religious, i dont live my life blissfully ignorant, i wish i was but i understand everything sucks because it's a systemic failure not a “spiritual warfare” “second coming” “666” “revelation is being fulfilled” and knowing sucks, knowing sucks balls.

I have so much love and hope and optimism because i genuinely believe there is a world in which possibly idk all this suffering could end but not in heaven no, here on this earth but nobody seems to care enough to do anything, and it frustrates me, we are the only people who can save ourselves but most of you are waiting on a magic in the sky to fix things and it's been centuries and nothing, wake up, there could a world in which our forests are not being cut down because of some greedy losers (karura) there is a world in which our wildlife and nature is preserved (masai mara, Nairobi national Park etc) there is a world in which renewable energy is in our main source of energy (carbon emission is causing global warming) there is a world in which food, healthcare, education, housing, child care is free and is provided (dismantling capitalism), there is a world in which women would not have to live in subjugation (dismantling patriarchy) but everyone has a stick so far up their asses that nobody gives a fuck about the other. Instead of waiting on a magical man in white who willl come on a horse or whatever fuck ass bullshit you people believe in you could actually do something about it, you could stand up and say something but you wont and that's the frustrating part, you could make heaven where you are……

(I am not trying to be converted or be given the “truth” and i really dont care about your feelings towards everything i have written about, im pretty sure when god takes his time off his very busy schedule of helping people find their keys and pass their exams i shall be dealt with. Is it blasphemous? Honestly i am tired and i dont care. If you feel uncomfortable with everything i have written good, you should probably re-evaluate what your belief system is rooted in. Im i trying to convert or convince people my way is right? No, i am writing about I FEEL. I am angry, tired and upset with everything wrong with this world and i think everyone should be, and i am blaming god because if he exists (highly unlikely) he definitely has a lot to explain to me, and im entitled to that explanation because i did not fucking ask for any of this and if he made me and everyone and “allegedly” loves us, i sure as hell dont feel that love and all i feel is hate, your god has no regard for us because when you truly care and love, you wouldn't stand and watch people suffer and die because if i were god i know for a fact babies with leukemia would not be a concept in existence because disease has no freewill, it is just cruel, HE IS CRUEL, YOUR GOD IS CRUEL)

Heyy!!! So at the beginning of this year i had set some new year's resolutions as anyone does only that i set very realistic goals, one of them included, extrovertmaxxing because i am a very very shy person in nature and socially awkward because i was sheltered as a child but this year i decided i must fight that by force and i can safely say it's been working thus far. The other thing in my list of things i wanted to accomplish this year was learn a skill and the one i settled upon was make up and if you are on my Instagram you can attest i am lowkey goated in that department, which now has sparked my need to write this essay today. Because the kind of make up i do is very unconventional in the sense that it is very bold and expressive and even how i choose to dress also reflects this concept, the concept of self expression and in my essay i want to dive into this subject matter, the relationship we as women have with make up and fashion and how it's tied to our identities or rather the lack of.

(Heyy, as per usual, please bring all your brain to this conversation, apply nuance and if you are reading my work for the first time, Hi! I’m Kaki. I dont give people room to bean soup recipe theory my work, if you disagree with me that's perfectly fine the sun will still rise, however disrespect is not allowed. Enjoy and do share your thoughts. Peace and love <3)

So im making my rounds on the internet and engaging in content as everyone else does and i encounter a very very interesting take (let me say this is not verbatim, i am paraphrasing as per my understanding so i might have misunderstood so walk with me having that understanding, im human, i can misunderstand stuff too) the take was basically saying make up or rather the use of make up by women is NOT inherently feminist and pro patriarchy and it made me ponder on that a bit. Because i was very conflicted because as a person who loves make up and does make up as a hobby i wanted to disagree because i dont engage with make up with a hypothetical man in mind. However…. I cant deny subconsciously or internally somewhere, when i do wear make up (light asf, lip liner, mascara, gloss etc) it is with my outward perception in mind. Like i catch myself feeling a bit weird getting out of the house “ugly” especially if it's for important things, like seeing my friends, school, work, a date etc that need to be constantly groomed is something that now conflicts with my intial thoughts.

Because yes, i am wearing the make up with self expression im mind but im wearing make up regardless. And no i am not saying i am not beautiful without the make up because i am objectively a very beautiful woman but i feel internally very weird getting out of my house not groomed, in the way that many men are very very comfortable being ugly and just funky, and my question, why dont i, as a woman not feel comfortable, walking out of the house with ashy knees, ashy elbows, dry crusty ass lips in the way men are, like they just get to exist being funky? (I genuinely need you as the reader to sit with this, please open your mind a bit because it's not as direct as saying even men groom themselves or even women dont groom themselves, it is more of the societal conditioning or rather expectation placed onto women, because there is this idea of perfection being demanded 24/7 as opposed to our counterparts who just get to exist)

And so to go back to my intial point with the take on tiktok, i feel like more than 2 cases can be made to defend or even disprove that claim. Because to a very large extent, make up is not inherently feminist because it is built on an industry that is meant to exploit women's insecurities and “imperfections” with the hope or rather idea of selling women back their security and “perfection”, true perfection. While in reality, perfection is a very skewed and a complex idea because it doesn't exist in a vacuum, because perfection and/or beauty is very subjective. And when it is made OBJECTIVE, it strips women a sense of individuality because it posits the idea that beauty is supposed to be this one thing that is the ideal and all women should work towards it and the funny thing is the “ideal” keeps changing. So that in itself is very anti feminist.

However, you can choose to look at make from a very different lense. An empowerment lense. But not in a “girl boss feminism” lense (of all the branches of feminism this one is not my cup of tea) but more from the perceptive of taking what was once used to oppress and subjugate you and turn it into a tool of power, reclamation. In the sense that, make up or fashion choices can be a way to tell your story (very cliche i know bare with me) or be used to fully express yourself to whatever capacity or degree you feel fit. Instead of using make up to hide who you are, you could use it to express who you are without feeling this need to shrink yourself or make yourself more palatable and small.

Personally since i started doing my make up a lot of who i am as a person is being reflected in the make up, i love art in any capacity and i think my make up really reflects the artist that i am or could be because it's very creative and fun. I like to experiment with colours, different techniques and painting styles and i consider myself a canvas and i think the make up is a mirror of that. Like today for instance i did a storm from xmen inspired look, in my mind i wanted to capture her essence if she were a make up look, with a 90s bronze-y base which offlate the music i have been listening to felt like an inspiration to the make up look. Because to me make up is not just being a baddie (bonus points) it's the creative process and all the inspiration that was derived from it and it's an entire process which is very important to me. Also i love bright fun colours and my make up is a reflection of that. (My favourite color is yellow and green)

And why im i bringing this up, because it's important for us as women to not have to bare this overwhelming need to shrink ourselves and not pursue things we like and not be ourselves in order to accommodate everyone and everything except for ourselves. And it is very unfortunate because you leave parts of yourself unexplored because society does not allow you to do so. And with the make up and fashion choices, this is clearly seen in the way the society polices women's clothing choices, because it's either too tight, too loose, too short, too long, too this, too that, it's ugly, it's attention seeking, it's loud, its not loud enough, it's boring and plain, all lot is going on, like women are not allowed to just exist and dress and “be”.

Which is very unfortunate because men walk around with trousers that dont fit them enough and are constantly flashing their “man butt cracks” (yuck) but god forbid a woman wears one too many bangles, all over sudden its attention seeking. Isn't that crazy? I think it’s crazy? I think when we as women free ourselves from that constant fear of perception and self policing then we can truly fully actualize our potential.

You can see this phenomenon by how over the years there has been a push towards rejection of “heavy” full coverage make up and this demonization of birthday make up for instance, because it's not just about the make up, it's deeper than that. It is the rejection of first female joy, in the sense that women who looked forward to their birthdays just to be done their special big birthday make up are robbed off it because some men who dont appreciate the artistry that is make up called it ugly. Like babes can't have fun without some loser in their ear telling them it's ugly, it's too much. Like have you ever had to do your make up around or near your brother or father or uncle or cousin or homeboy and how exactly did you feel? You must felt really awkward and felt very shy about it and felt like they were watching you or even sometimes they could make fun of you, and why is that, what exactly is funny about women doing what they like? Are you a fun police loser? (And before you tell me oh i have experienced such a thing congratulations, you won, this isn't about you, read the room)

Or have ever wanted to wear an outfit that you felt was so cute but when you asked your loser boyfriend he said it was too much? What exactly makes things too much and who is the “too much police”? Cant women just wear clothes without this feeling of constantly being watched or this need to not do too much and subdue themselves and forego their wishes and desires because of some imaginative man or real life man? My entire point of the essay, why do women need to always make themselves small and shrink and not fully be themselves?

In line with the birthday make up conversation, why is there this big push on natural make up, and minimal and soft girl make up and dewy make up and “i dont wear make up, just mascara and lipgloss” (and before you say well that's my preference great, think a bit more about the point i am making) because there is a very big difference in subjective opinions and preferences and cultural and societal shifts that go to shape ones subjective opinions. Because every opinion you hold is shapped by your environment and whatever you take in and yes to a very large extent you might like minimal make up just because you do and that's perfectly fine but why exactly are you so opposed to more make up? Why do you push back on it so strongly and demonize the people who partake in more make up designs than you? Because is it a stretch to suggest the reason why you hate “birthday make up” so strongly is because “a man” cooked here, in your thought process? (A man=misogyny)

I think with everything said and done, i think it is another thing worth evaluating as a woman, the relationship you have to beauty, make up and personal self grooming and fashion. And really evaluate what it truly means to you and figuring if however you are presenting yourself is entirely your freewill, or choice or is a predetermined choice made for you by this patriarchal society and if so maybe figure who you truly are beneath all this programing. And for the “i dont wear make up” or “i dont really like to dress up” crowd, you should also evaluate that because are you being “plain and boring” because that's truly who you are or do you subconsciously believe you are better than the ones who do too much? And if so, you should probably kick that man out of your head too? In conclusion, i really believe beauty can really go hand in hand in true self discovery and self expression but that is until you truly want it to be, when beauty stops being a performance and more of an investment to ones self then true growth can be seen.

Heyy beautiful ladies of substack and the men, i have a small story time 😝 Today we are deviating a little bit from the typical intelligent feminist essays, so i really hope you enjoy!!(i never do these so you better like it!! )

Okay so my beautiful self is minding her own business on the internet and this guy slides into my dms, it was on Instagram, an instagram mutual who rarely ever posts anything, black profile picture and very minimal stuff on his bio, low following and no highlights or posts. Perfect my type!! (I love me a very mysterious, lowkey man).

Okay so he texts me something along the lines of “you are really beautiful or pretty or cool” i cant remember exactly but if anyone knows me flattery always work on me, i am such a goof for cheesy compliments. So i lowkey lock in and then we start talking, and i realise he is really really cool. And he was flirting with me but in a very fun bantery type of way because i love funny people and i love giggling. So im like oh okay cool.

So we talk for a week i think everything was going great you know, on my side mapenzi ilikuwa imenata, i think he felt the same way too. But now because i was a bit more comfortable with him, i ask him, “who exactly is this that's keeping me giggling and stuff because what if you are some creepy 80 year old man who preys on young girls or a serial killer” (not verbatim) i tell all the men i talk to this btw, it is partly a joke a very fun way to keep banter but you niggas be killing us so i need to lock in ata kama unanichekesha chekesha right, okay cool..

So he is like no i am not a serial killer or an 80 creepy man and i ask him prove it and he gives the excuse all men give, “oh i dont take pictures like that, oh i am not a camera person” si unajua tu. And i tell him it's whatever you just send the picture you have right. And when he did guys icl, i was so shocked not in a omds wow, more like um chile…

And so he asks me what do i think, imagine!! And i cant say “you lowkey unattractive” so i lie and say you look okay, because what was i supposed to say??? And before you get mad and start typing angrily, i said what i said, i found him ugly and that is perfectly fine because that is my opinion. Full stop, MY OPINION. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and i was the beholder and did not find the beauty. Simple.

So i lowkey kind of just stopped talking to him because i did not find him attractive and i am going to subscriber to the brainwashing of “but he is a nice guy” “mid ugly” “his personality compensates” “personality over beauty” absolutely the fuck not. I want both, personality has to also include beauty, im sorry, i dont care, i dont want to have a boyfriend who i have to give 50 disclaimers to my friends before showing them his picture, i want to have eye candy, i dont want to be in a situation that if when i am slightly irritated at him, his face also irritates me.

And if there is a man who is reading this and is angry and is like “who the fuck does this bitch think she is to think she can be this picky??” I am me, it is that simple. And i think this is a very important conversation to have when you actually sit down and think about it a bit more deeply and nuanced-ly, in the sense that why aren't women allowed to be shallow? Or in better words why arent we allowed to have preferences? Or why aren't women allowed to be bold in their preferences? Because why does me saying i cant date an ugly man make you so angry and your mind is looking for ways to humble me? Why do you have that subconscious thought of who the fuck is this bitch feeling like, she is not even that hot or that pretty to be talking?

Again not to be that person but everything is that deep, everything is connected to the patriarchy and misogyny. Because me being greedy and picky is active resistance, me saying no i dont want to date an ugly man just because he has other qualities i like is resistant because i am unwilling to settle. I dont want to bargain or make compromises even though that's not something i want because i want a fine ass man and the only way for me to get that fine ass man is if i dont pick or settle with the ugly man. I am allowed to be picky and choosey because it's my life and i do what the fuck i want with said life.

Because i am absolutely not choosing the balding man when my type is a man with a head full of locs or an afro or a buzz cut or a fresh fade because i am doing a de-service to myself because i want to run my hands through my partners hair or i want to be visual excited with the buzzcut and that cant happen if your hair starts at the back of your head. I dont want to be with a fat man with a beer belly because im easy for biceps and a nice lean frame, because everyday i will be looking at this man and dislike how he looks just because he is funny, why couldn't i get a man with biceps who makes me laugh, because i am fairly certain the jokes will be more funny if the had biceps. I don't want to have to feel bad or at loss because i had to sacrifice my actual wants over what i think i might need.

(I hope you get what i mean like actually, this is not even to come at men who are built in this way that is not my intention, i am pretty sure there are women who actually like it or are very okay with it because i do agree looks are not everything and everybody sees beauty differently. My point is not even on the looks, i am talking about the choice aspect of things, i would appreciate you look at this point a bit more nuanced-ly and think a bit more hard)

And the thing men are allowed to be picky. Men are allowed to be very rude and mean in their preferences, which is crazy to me. Have you seen how men treat women they dont find attractive, unaweza fikiria she did 9/11 or something. It is so insane and personally i am not having it because who said women cant be shallow and picky?? And even in the shallowness and pickiness 99% of women are still really nice about it because in as much as i find you ugly as shit i would never tell you that because i understand you are a human being who has feelings and are worthy of respect regardless of how you look and i can't be awful to you just because you are not my cup of tea because you are probably somebody's else's cup of tea. Because in my above story time, guys i really really did not find him attractive and when he asked what i thought, i did the decent human being shit and told them you are okay not too shabby because it doesn't take much to be kind.

So all in all, got a little woke there guys my bad (i couldn't help it because everything is literally that deep) i feel like women should be more picky. Personally i live by the saying “Mtaka yote, hupata yote, Wahenga watashangaa sana” because i dont want to choose between looks and personality i want it ALL. I want my tall tree, handsome af, sexy ass body, nice hair, smart/intelligent, funny as shit and woke as hell because if he does do me dirty, a very very high likelihood at least my friends wont say after the break up “i am so glad it's over because he was ugly anyway”.

Hey!! I know this is a very very out there heading and photo but walk with me, in my essay today i want to talk about the role of women in any dynamic women engage in with men from a feminist lense and the obvious nuances involved, i want look at this point from an economic lense, from a social lense and political lense.

(I want to state for the record whatever direction you think this essay is going to go i am certain you will be wrong and i want you as the reader to open your mind to a more nuanced take and everything i am about to say is my opinion and if you disagree with me that's perfectly fine and the sun will still rise but i however dont give room for people to be disrespectful and bean soup recipe theory my work, enjoy and i am looking forward to hearing from you, peace and love!!)

So ever since i was a small girl i have always know who i was, i’ve been knowing that feminism or the idea of feminism was always something i was drawn to. And for as long as i can remember i have always challenged the status quo. I have been called everything under the sun and the one things i have been called was argumentative. And this would make me very upset and i would still argue that i wasn't argumentative, very ironic huh? But now that i am older i can recognise, i have always been a bitch, which many people mostly men dont like because i have never been agreeable which is one of the traits women are “supposed” to have. Because i have never been shy, coy and i have always known what i want and i always went for what i want and in a way that made me very competitive and unfortunately for everyone i always won and i have never been shy about winning or “humble” and that's another trait many people disliked about me. Because how dare a woman, a small girl, be good and proud about being good, right, because society depends on women's need to dim themselves, which i never have, i have always been an opinionated argumentative conceited bitch and that's the worst thing a woman can be.

So with this in mind, i really struggled to navigate my relationships with men because i was everything that a “good woman” wasn't and with that in mind i have never had a boyfriend. And i will admit that i have tired in the past to make myself more digestible because in as much as i am very head strong i unfortunately live in a patriarchal society and conformity is your best friend. With this in mind i have really struggled with how to navigate my relationships with men in the sense that, in how our society is structured, women who initiate are not rewarded and that is the point of my essay. Why do I as a woman have to wait for a man to ask me out or intiate any sexual advancements or even start a conversation? And why do i a woman who considers myself progressive have to keep up or rather uphold this ideal?

I have a few questions to pose to left leaning women or feminist women. Why do we look down upon women who initiate any sort of advancements with men and to the farthest extremes, marriage? Like what is so wrong with asking for a man his number when meeting them after hitting it off? What is so wrong with asking your talking stage out on a date after talking for a while and you feel like he is not initiating and you would like to go on a date? What is so wrong with texting someone who you were to go on a date with if the plans are still on? What is wrong with splitting the cheque on the first date or paying for the first date?

Before you get rilled up, i will need you to actually sit down and look at this from a naive, utopia, fairy land, point of view where equality does exist and men and women are equal and the such, right, look at from the point of view in which feminism is fighting to get to. So my question is as a “real” feminist, wouldnt it not be crazy to suggest that women proposing to men, is in itself a very feminist act? Because in doing so the rigid gender roles and gender conformity structures will be eradicated? Because now it is not seen as the role of men to pursue, date and eventually marry/ “own” a woman? That expectation that is placed onto men will not exist because in inverse there is no expectation for women to fill the roles of women as per the patriarchal standard. Because now the question you will need to ask yourself with everything i have in mind is, does your feminism really go to serve equality or does go to serve you and your needs in the sense that you are still upholding patriarchal standards just with more inclusivity and less oppressive for you as a woman? And if it is the latter then are you truly practicing feminism or patriarchy plus women's freedoms and in turn is that just misandry? And is misandry really a good thing because isn't it just misogyny replaced?

(Now i know i have said a lot of outlandish things which you really gotta sit with it fr to understand what i am getting at, i am not saying misandry is not valid because man hate is 100% valid and the men reading this i am not a man champion, the voice for men, my allegiance is to women, i am getting at something entirely different, which i expect you as the reader to catch what i am putting down)

With everything i have said i totally understand that, that point of view is very “guys why can't we just get along, why are there all these sides and we should all just love each other” right. And i understand that a lot of factors contribute to why feminism is not practiced as equally as we would like and i would like to highlight some of the ways in which i personally feel like would hinder us from achieving “world peace”. Economic disparities is one good way in which we can see this point. Everyone knows about the gender pay gap and if you think it doesn’t exist, wewe ni mjinga, it's that simple.

Since women are severely underpaid than men (objectively, yes we know some women earn more than men, we know) at a societal perceptive men are “expected” everywhere in the world to take care of the financial bill around the house and maintenance of his wife and kids because the wife (not everywhere) is expected to stay at home and take care of the home. And you can now see that in the “expectation” for men to pay for dates and just overral maintenance of the woman. This is even more clearer when the woman says i would never do 50/50 with a man, and i expect my boyfriend/husband to take care of me, buy me stuff etc. Which i could see why women would want that because if a woman is “expected” to provide unpaid labor in the home and give birth to kids it the least the man could do. Do i necessarily agree with it? No. Because being a feminist, i would hope that since you have the rights and privileges to be financially free you would take it because you don't know if the man would switch up and it is better to safe guard your future and i would also expect that you are not the only one providing said labor because you and your partner are equal and he could clean and cook and work and you could do the same.

Politically women are also not free, we don't even have autonomy over our bodies, reproductive autonomy for instance. And i could 100% see why a woman would need to conform at the hands of patriarchy, to throw herself and other women under the bus in order to be spared. Do i necessarily support it? No. Can i sympathise? Absolutely. This point falls under the male centred, pick me women. It is a shame definitely but what can you do? Though i am not saying they should be absorbed from accountability, no no, but i can see where they are coming from.

Last but not least socially. To now bring my topic home about proposing to men as the real act of feminism, mhhh, well i was full of shit buuttt….. if you actually think about it with everything i had said, it is inherently feminist, but is it acted upon as an act of feminism? Noo definitely not. Because the women who propose to men are doing it with the hopes of being picked, the desperate desire to be picked by a man which is in my opinion anti woman, not anti feminist but anti woman. Because you are putting this man above you and your needs to be picked which is a de-service to yourself. Because you are pedestalizing a man and that is the worst thing you can do for yourself as a woman.

So my take away from this very very long essay or rather your take away as the reader is i would hope that after this essay you would evaluate your stance on feminism and what it truly means to you. Because for me personally, i dont rock with choice feminism, i don't agree with it, i don't support it at all. I also dont support the kind of feminism that is practiced as an attempt to erase men and invalidate them and their experiences, like oh my god guys men are people too. (This is not a pick me talking point anybody who is familiar with my work and knows who i am as a person, i am pro women, i am not anti men because being anti men doesn't mean being pro women. I am also not a champion for men, its not my place they can do that for themselves). Personally i would consider myself an intersectional feminist, because i understand that everything is interconnected, feminism without capitalism is null and void, feminism without religion, race, misogyny, patriarchy, sexual orientation (happy pride month btw!!) and all forms of intersectionalities is important.

In conclusion, i think in however you choose to practice your feminism, you as the woman have full autonomy to do whatever you want, if you like your crush tell them, if you want to fuck someone tell them it is entirely upto you and you dont need a man's stamp of approval to do whatever you want, you have opinions voice them, don't be scared to be a bitch, a bitch get's shit done!!

Well for starters, i would like to bring forth the points i made in my initial comment about disagree with your essay. I said you make very valid points because critiquing a system is important but the way you went about it felt like your frustrations were misplaced and i brought up the point where class disparity is a product of capitalism not feminism, which you failed to address because i had said feminism is not mutually exclusive to class but it is all intertwined. And i had said your use of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs was also a bit flawed because as a psychology major it had nothing to do with the point you were trying to make rather what i felt like it was used for was to assert intellectual superiority.

Going by your essay and the data you provided “In Kenya 80% of the population is trapped at the bottom of this pyramid” and Mr Banana you so graciously provided a citation which i happen to look through because i believe your paper was meant to be an academic paper right, not personal thought or views on the matter. And using your own source you failed to mention or i would believe you forgot because you definitely weren’t writing this paper as a bias to spread misinformation against women right?

And in your citation, i read the entire paper not just the first page cover page and introduction and found that a majority of factors contribute to Kenya’s poverty situation. In Kenya we face an economic inequality crisis, which are on the basis of income, wealth, gender, geographic location, ethnicity, language, age, disability, migrant and refugee status and even social exclusion faced by lgbtq . And the millions of Kenyans face hunger, poverty and preventable suffering which is as a result of budget cuts in the health sector, education sector which is as a result of the economic elites using economic power to concentrate political power, acquiring more wealth. Also the IMF imposed austerity measures, such as tax hikes that affect people of low incomes and government budget cuts which furthers the gap between the rich and the rest. So Mr Banana, from your citation, quick is it the feminists that are causing class disparity or the elite (Capitalism)? (Chapter 2 : Kenyan inequality crisis, source)

You say the Kenyan feminists don’t understand this diagram because they do not understand the macroeconomic reality of our country and i don’t know about that because i don’t remember “feminism” equating to poor economics, maybe women WHO are feminists don.t understand but when you frame it as feminists, that language is very misogynistic because you are implying women don’t know numbers and i think some feminist economic majors know numbers. But since you Mr Banana know, i implore to actually respond this time not redirect to your personal beef because when your work is getting critiqued and you believe it is substantial you should defend it not “if you want to engage with me go read Dr Nyanyakos post and publicly call her out. If you cant do that you are going to talk to talk to a wall. Because i will not respond.” But what do i know i am a Kenya feminist who doesn’t understand economics, right Mr Banana?

(Oh i am a raging bitch because i refuse to let men walk around with there head all inflated pretending to know more me just because you are a man, and you will respond to my critique if not you are a pussy who doesn’t know anything, i told you to read and you kept saying you read, let’s see)

You said Kenya has already achieved political rights for her citizens and compared is to Eritrea, Uganda or Tanzania and i agree because statistically you would be right but you failed to mention the ongoing challenges we face which again is very important when we make arguments based on statistics because data that exists can disprove this claim, instead of speaking in absolutes. And you write “when i say Kenyan women, i am talking about the 80% at the bottom not the 1% writing think pieces about “male privilege”. And again Mr Banana your argument based on your initial citation, which disproves this argument.

Because from your citation, “economic inequality is widening gender inequality. On average:

• women’s earning is less than a third of men

• Women are 5 times more likely to be doing unpaid jobs than men

• Less than a third of women own a house alone or jointly”

And now Mr Banana i need us to think, like really really hard, is this as a result of Kenya feminism or patriarchy. And before you answer, do we know the meaning of those 2 or do you need me to explain them to you? Dont worry i got you Mr Banana, i will get you the definition so that the next time we want to write something so dumb like your initial essay at least we know.

Patriarchy- a social system where men hold primary power, dominating roles in political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of power. In it’s broadest sense, it refers to societies or institutions where cultural norms and institutional structures disproportionately favor men and relegates women to secondary or dependent roles.

Feminism- belief in and advocacy for social economic, political, cultural equality for all genders. It seeks to dismantle systemic inequality and gender bases discrimination to ensure everyone has the same rights and opportunities regardless of gender identity.

Sasa Mr Banana between the 2 tell me which is the real threat to Kenya’s economic development and what is really the problem to why class disparity exists? Dont tell me, i am pretty sure your man brain is smart enough to figure that one out.

So moving on, still on your essay, Maslows heirachy of needs and the “brutal example” of this is prostitution. And i really love how you only used 1 way in which women suffer, not lack of education, lack of sanitary/hygiene products, gender inequality at work, sexual violence and assault, noo just 1 singular issue that you an economic bro wants to deal with not all the other ways women are oppressed and came at women who actually care about other women and want women’s freedom in all sectors. You picked the only female struggle that can fuel your anti feminist agenda because you care about women so much right? And i also loved how talked about 50 year old women in Taita Taveta can have access to clean water, because apparently only 50 year old women in Taita are the only people who need water not the 49 year old men, children right? Do you see how fucking stupid you sound?

It definitely is not the government’s fault for under developing their counties nooo, it is the upper class women’s fault with privilege who spend their time reading bell hooks and wine, while Kenyan women suffer “are in absolute survival mode”. Right because upper class men and the politicians who are supposed to help their counties are doing so much, Mr Banana? I mean how dare women read when an old 50 year old woman in Taita Taveta has no water? Not how dare the president increase the state house to billions every year, not the government should be accountable to the money lost in billions mind you daily?? Right.

Oh Mr Banana i hope you have not forgotten about your citation, i am still on that because in the citation you provided for me (i actually read, the thing i keep telling you to do) there is this section that reads:

2.4 why reducing inequality matters?

• Economic growth (wow would you look at that)

• Fighting corruption

• Social ills and poor outcomes (crime)

• Social mobility

• Democracy, peace and effective public institutions

AND WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT NO FEMINISM, INTERESTING?

Still on your citation, i am not done. I took it very personally when you said feminists don’t know anything about economics after i kept telling you to read while this kinds of conversations is up my ally, i read a lot and write a lot of academic papers and your dismissal for my criticism just because i was a woman did not sit right with me because i do infact know more than you, sociology and psychology is what i study, like what are you telling me rn.

So from you citation the root cause and drivers of inequality (Chapter 3) is:

Colonial legacy ( do we even need to explain this, look at Delmonte, Nanyuki, Limuru, rift valley (Nakuru) this very direct we are still being colonized, indirectly and soon very directly because your president is giving land left right and center to white Colonial powers)

Land inequality (self explanatory too)

Tax and public services spending (also self explanatory, look at the finance bill 2024, 2025 and 2026)

Labor market (we actively exploiting our very own because why are you paying your house-help 10k and below, wewe na elfu 10 utafanyia nini real talk? And even the job market, this very direct)

Inequality in education (Chapter 4) please i could go on and on. Inequality in healthcare (Chapter 5) etc bottom line the threat to the Kenyan economy is everything under the sun except feminism. And because you speak from your ass without actually reading and you hate women, ndio maana you can write a piece so dumb.

You used examples of some leader in china and statistics which you failed to cite your source (would have broken down that too). And i have a question because you say “1 man has done more than feminists have ever done” it begs the question, should economic development be at the expense of women’s lives? Shouldn’t economic liberation go hand in hand with female liberation or do you just view women as sub human that it shouldn’t matter, because if that is what your point was then you got bigger fish to fry, deconstruction of the patriarchy. And you lied the demographic of women that is the target of sexual violence and domestic violence is not sex workers, its women with partners and that is globally, so again you are wrong. You used the pyramid of Maslow”s hierarchy of needs in the wrong way yet again to fuel a point that has no correlation, you just wanted to appear smart. Have you ever heard of logical fallacy Mr Banana? Its basically a bunch of bs wrapped around intellectual language in order to appear smart but at it’s core its baseless.

You say that crimes happen at the bottom 80% more than in the 1% and agreed but what does that have to do with feminism?? Quick Mr Banana. “To the Kenyan feminist movement: if you want women to be safe, they must be fed. Until you fix the economics, your activism it’s just performance art.” Feminism = equality for all genders = economic development? Hm 1+1=3?? Not government, not dismantle capitalism, not give people better education and health care not fight colonialism because those are directly tied to class issues, but fight women? Hm. Interesting.

Kwa hayo machache (lol) na maREFU, i am done, Mr Banana or the people who were agreeing with him i expect a response and not a “i feel” “You’re wrong” “not you bitch (because i know, been one from the get go)” i expect “according to this statistics (peer reviewed)” if not can we not speak from our asses, if you don’t read, there’s nothing you can tell me because we need to fight the illiteracy crisis, because there is no way, you will come to the internet, write a bunch of bullshit, refuse to be critiqued just because a woman is behind the critique. And you will absolutely not invalidate educated women just because you think your dick has more worth than an educated woman, this is exactly what being a raging feminist is, to challenge the norm and i want to say i am as radical as it gets, a raging bitch who is passionate about women and women’s issues and loves all women and believes all women deserve a right to speak and give opinions and not be invalidated by stupid men who hate women, feminism is not the problem, men like you are and unfortunately you met an educated, well read, radical, intersectional feminist. I expect an answer Mr Banana because if you dont respond then you know i ate you up, a woman, a feminist, kenyan feminists ate you up. A good Hypothesis seeks to be disproven

mr banana's citation

(I had written this essay ikapotea so this is a rewrite, it might not be as good as the original one but i will try to bring up my intial points vizuri)

So i have been making my rounds on the internet and this week on tiktok there has been a hate bandwagon on this creator Paris Mwendwa (i love her) and this discourse has made me think. In my essay today i want to talk about this idea of being of being a “perfect leftist”. I am using Paris’ situation as an object of my conversation not the subject, i wont talk about her much but this scenario is really important in how this essay is going to go on. (Remember nuance, whatever you feel about what i write is entirely up to you and i said what i said, let's open our brains, i dont give room for people to be disrespectful and bean soup recipe theory my work) (do share your thoughts though, even if they are in disagreement, peace and love and enjoy!!)

So if you dont know Paris is a feminist creator and she has been under fire by other leftist who called her a terf (trans exclusionary radical feminist) (i am paraphrasing, you can go do your own research). And i found this very interesting because all the backlash was because some left leaning people felt like in Paris’ advocacy for women it didn't center trans women enough. And my point is on the enough part. Because what do we consider enough, as left leaning individuals? And another thing who is the determinant of enough? And where do we draw the line in intersectionalities when it comes to advocating for any marginalized group? Because what is the point of radical feminism without intersectionalities?

With a creator like Paris, who i follow and love her takes sometimes i dont agree with all her takes and that is perfectly fine. Because we are very different people and my understanding of the world is very different from hers but that doesn't mean what she does is not correct or enough just because sometimes i disagree with her. Because for the most part i agree with a lot of what she says. And the reason why sometimes i feel like i dont entirely agree with her takes is because it lacks intersectionality which is important when we talk about any political issue. And my thing is, my takes can also lack intersectionalities because i cant always be unbiased. And that is another really important thing that i would like to highlight in my essay, biases that can prevent the acknowledgement of intersectionalities, but that doesn't necessarily mean the work you are trying to do should be discredited and i feel like that is a problem in the left leaning community and i would argue this problem is inherently right leaning. (I will explain)

I want to shift away from Paris a bit and talk about other examples of how i have noticed the left is failing in intersectionalities from my own personal experience. (I would like to say this is not an attack to anyone, that is not what i am doing here, it is simply an observation i have made). So, im on substack doing my daily scroll and i came across this post, it was a screenshot of a tiktok video. It read (not verbatim because i don't remember exactly) “the gifted kid burn out trope is equivalent to i would have made it to the NBA if it wasn't for THE KNEE INJURY ™️” (i found the trademark so fucking funny) and the creator (i dont remember who they were, do comment if i have made a mistake) said something along the lines of people who say this use that burn out trope as a lazy cope out for not working hard because you can just get academically good.

And that rubbed the wrong way because i was a gifted kid who experienced burn out. When i was in high school i got chronic illness that made me not be in school for a majority of school time, i even got hospitalised. And i was fucking gifted, i ran track, did competitive swimming, played piano, guitar and was academically a genius but i got nerfed with sickness which resulted to burn out and i felt like that statement was very inconsiderate because it did not accommodate people's lived experience, ie; me. It failed to understand the intersectionalities of people who sufffer from illness. And yes i do agree that it can be used as a way for people to not actualize their potential because it can be used to justify not trying to do better but at the same time it doesn't consider people like me. I hope you get what i mean, i am not coming directly at the creator of the post, i am just using that example to show how intersectionality is important. Because that talking point is inherently very right leaning because it suggests that there is only one way to be something. It is the equivalent to when leftist complain about capitalism and vouch for socialism or communism and pro capitalist say “well everyone has a chance to be rich if they worked hard enough” and it is a very disingenuous argument because it does not consider systematic factors that could lead people not to “work hard” ie, manufactured poverty, disability etc. And the reason why people hold such takes is because they are privileged and in turn they form biases, which is not even their fault, it's human nature and that's my point, we need to deliberately deconstruct that.

Another example in which i found intersectionality not being applied was i was in some brilliant ladies subscribers chat (i love her work so much because majority of her work is very beautifully written) (and so me using this example is not to come at her and i will not even mention her name, it is just an observation i made) she had written something about white people coming up with labels in order to be marginalized or oppressed and in as much as i could see where that arguments comes from, i would disagree because it doesn't consider intersectionality again. Let me explain. I think by labels i believe she was talking about gay people. And i found that statement a bit off because it only focused on race as a form of oppression but it failed to consider sexual orientation and identity as a part of oppression. Because i don't think the labels they bestow upon themselves is because they are looking for ways to be oppressed but more of trying to better understand themselves as already a marginalized group because homosexuality is in itself oppression.

And we can understand the intersectionality that comes with race and sexual orientation because black gay people will obviously be more oppressed that white gay people. But black straight people and white gay people are oppressed but in their own respective rights and are not mutually exclusive because each oppression looks different and when we are able to understand that then we are able to advocate for people better. I gave this example in her subscribers chat, the conversation about white feminism (i got the framework of thought from Paris because i found it very interesting) should not be entirely dismissed because in as much as it lacks intersectionality, it is important. Because white women regardless of their race are oppressed, and they are oppressed on the basis of gender. And women's oppression does not necessarily have to consider race, disability etc in order for it to be seen as valid because women are oppressed just by the basis of them being women (this point might seem controversial but i will need to open your mind a bit to understand i am not saying white feminism is good because it excludes other women in minority groups, but i am saying something entirely different and if you understand what i am saying then you can draw parallels to the gay point) (nuance is important, this is not direct or black and white, think!)

Moving to another way in which intersectionality is important to consider when we have any conversations as left leaning people is; i read some essay and i have been seeing a lot of women including Paris talk about how people who say they shave because of overstimulation are not valid because it is yet another excuse to conform to the patriarchal need for women to be hairless. And again in as much as i would agree because that is a very great point, it fails to consider that neurodivergent women and men live that experience. Overstimulation is real and it is alive and well, thriving even. And i am going to use myself as an example because as a lady who has done a lot of deconstruction, like 80% of it (i still have a long way to go) i can acknowledge that sometimes people shave because of the subconscious need that patriarchy has bestowed upon us but also because you can just be over stimulated.

I am neurodivergent, and i struggle with a lot of textures even food, i am the worst picky eater on the planet, i cant wear some clothes because it feels like my skin is crawling, i rock buzzcuts for most times in the year because having long hair, braids can make me feel like my head is on fire, i don't even stay with braids for more than 3 weeks because it get overstimulating, and the body hair it also gets over stimulating because it feels like invincible bugs are crawling on your skin. And i am bringing up this point because when we say overstimulation is an excuse for women's liberation it fails to consider the actual lived experience for women and men who actually experience said overstimulation. Because in your wokeness you are failing to draw the parallels between the patriarchy's need to keep women down and neurodivergent women who exist. And by branding it as “therapy jargon” you are invalidating which again is a very right leaning thing to do. Because the conversatives will say autism does not exist, depression and anxiety is the devil's work and god does not give the spirit of anxiety, which is invalidating. Wa nyita?

I saw some girl on Instagram saying that people who buy things on shein because they can't afford anything else are not your enemy, people who work at McDonald's/Starbucks/target and any other boycotted brands because they cant get work elsewhere are not your enemy and i agree and she further explains that this need to be the perfect “leftist “ and shaming other people who arent is very right leaning. Because for you to be the perfect leftist you need to be at a point of privilege and your privilege gives you room to form biased opinions that do not actually consider people's lived experiences. And i couldn't have agreed any more, her video basically summarised my entire essay and point.

I love this creator on tiktok her name is because her takes are so perfectly nuanced (if you like nuance, you will love her) and her takes are not even playing devil's advocate, they just understand that 2 or more things can exist and be true and we should hold space for the existence of 2 plus things. And i think that the understanding of nuance is one of the key traits of being left leaning. Because if in your left politics it exists in a binary to police people then it is inherently right in the way it functions, just more inclusive. It's like saying, “okay so we love you gays, theys, girl, dolls BUT only in this specific way and if not in this specific way then fuck you guys and get away from us” as opposed to the religious, right conservative people who say “We love everyone and accept everyone EXCEPT if you are gay, autistic, disabled, not white, not Christian” it is very similar in undertones.

To now bring my point home, we need to deconstruct that need to be perfect. There is no exact right way to exist, existing can look and feel very different for everyone. And when we break away from the binary or collective way of thought or living then we can now begin to bring forth change. Because we in the movement we want better for everyone and sometimes people can lack information and educating people or referring them to resource materials is a great way to start. Because even you, you did not know everything and you still dont know everything, there is so much to know and learn and we should give people room to learn without judgement. And those who are reluctant in getting better that's not for you to deal with, they made their bed so let them lie in it. And those who are willing to know give them the opportunity and chance. Step from the perfection high horse today, the projection, judgement is so not cool, love is acceptance and love is redemption.

Tw: EATING DISORDERS, if this is topic is sensitive to you then i would highly suggest you scroll if not viewers discretion is advised.

With the rise in ozempic, heroin chic, “you cant be more than 160 lbs and talk to me”, gym culture, there is a lot that can be said about women's bodies and how they are getting smaller and smaller and how concerning it is. In my essay today i want to talk about women's bodies and beauty standards and how it relates to how we view and interract with other women and how everything ties back into the rise of conservatism, fascism and right wing ideologies. (As always nuance is to be expected, however you interpret my work has absolutely nothing to do with me and if you disagree with me that's perfectly fine and the sun will still shine, keep it cute and respectful, enjoy and do share your thoughts, even if they are in disagreement, i would love to hear them)

I don't know if it's just me but when i open my phone and go on social media and look at the bodies that are on display, i have a pit in my stomach from how uncomfortable i am with everything. (This is not to shame anyone, let me start off by saying that i am just simply making an observation). Why are women the size of twigs??? Skin and bones?? And why is it so normalised, and anybody who dares to speak about it is labelled mean, not inclusive and a body shamer, while in reality it is all concern. This is not about the naturally skinny babes. And from everything that i have observed i have drawn a few conclusions to why things are the way they are, i have at least 3 working theories to support my claim and i would like you to walk with me.

So for starters, the political climate of most countries in the world is signalling some very loud alarms. Conservatism, fascism is on a rapid rise. With an emphasis on traditional values, like nuclear homes, establishment of overt patriarchal hierarchies, rigid gender roles, demonization of feminism and women rights, rise in religion and religious values, it begs the question that in order to effectively pull this off, what is the role of women in all of this, because the establishment of a “right” patriarchal system the men have to be on top and in order to do so the women and children have to conform to facilitate the establishment of a hierarchy, the patriarchy basically.

And with that understanding we can now look at what women's role is in all of this and we can now begin to draw parallels that can help understand why women have a strained relationship with their bodies and why this strained relationship trickles down to other women who do not necessarily have a weird relationship with their bodies. So in order to do so we can start by focusing our attention to the beauty industry. (Capitalism)

The beauty industry is a tool that is used to sell women desirablity, that if you wore your hair this way or that way, or wore this top or this skirt or this dress, men will find you attractive and if they find you attractive enough then they will “choose you”. The beauty industry using social media sets trends, whatever is hot at the moment sells. Skin care, make up, viral lip product, sheet mask, Zara dresses etc are all products made for the consumption of women (the primary target) but you will need to keep in mind they dont just show you the product and tell you to wear it because if they did that would be too easy and people would not be incentivised to make any purchase. So what do they do, they bring a beautiful thin model and tell you she used this that's why she is this beautiful (not directly, but subconsciously that is the message).

You have this beautiful, pale, thin model who is selling you a dream, a beautiful dress. But when you who is not thin wears the dress, obviously it wont look the same. You have a fat butt, a chubby tummy and basically the silhouette of your body doesn't fit with the dress. And in your eyes you think, my body must be the problem and because it is the problem, let me get smaller to fit in this dress the way the model looked like in the ad or whatever. While in reality your body doesn't have any problem the garment does, it's always the garments fault. And to add salt onto injury, your fuck ass lame ass boyfriend finds the skinny model attractive and does not shy away from telling you, so what does the woman do, in order to be desirable to this bum, you make yourself smaller. (The bum is an example which you can fit in any life scenario, could be your mom telling you you added a bit of weight, could be your aunties, uncles, neighbours, friends, giving you unsolicited advice about weight loss)

With all these factors considered, you now think about it from a political lense. With men's need to dominate and control and conquer everything, including women, women's bodies and autonomy, the conversation about “thiness” can be better understood. Using my previous point on beauty standards, we can now bridge both of these ideas in the sense that 99% of the beauty standards are derived from pedophilia. A woman should not have body hair, should have a flat stomach, should be skinny “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”, should have a soft voice, clear skin, short, petite etc all of these are child like features and 90% of these standards are unattainable, because grown women should not look like children.

And this need to look like children is directly tied to men's need for dominance. It is easier to control children because if you are physically stronger, you are able to control them and this control can now be utilised to control how they think, move about life and the decisions they make, basically a parent child relationships. But when this dynamics is seen in grown adults then it makes you wonder, why does men's superiority come from the subjugation of women and why do these women have to accommodate their subjugation in the sense that they need to physically alter their appearance in order to accommodate men's inferiority? Basically why do women have to make themselves look smaller or childlike in order to be ruled over easier?

Now with patriarchy in mind and this need to makes women more docile and small and these rigid beauty standards, you have a recipe for disaster. You tell women in order to be desirable they need to get smaller in order to get a partner, a man, who will choose her and possibly want to start a family with her and be the man of the household as per patriarchal standards, and for a woman who doesn't know any better, conformity is her best friend. Imagine this, this religious woman who has been indoctrinated and fed a whole bunch of bullshit, is insecure and has no sense of self and her worth is entirely relied on whether she is attractive or not to random men, can you now imagine what lengths she would go in order to maintain her self image?

She is already very insecure of lets say of her weight, height and skin, she is taller than most women and the patriarchal beauty standard which is built on pedophilia tells her she is undesirable because she is tall and she is already “overweight” as per the beauty standard which again is built on pedophilia and something she does not consider is due to her height her rate of metabolism and intake of food will be very different than that of a shorter woman because biologically each body functions differently and no this is not even taught in school, so she will end up believing there is something wrong with her. Not to mention she also has skin issues which could be as a result of hormonal imbalances during her cycle, which is not taught in school, because people who have clear skin are children, children who's hormones dont affect them yet. Are we getting what i am putting down?

And because this woman is easily impressionable, she is the perfect target to sell to “beauty” (Capitalism) By telling her if you take this weight loss drug in 1 months time results will be instantaneous. Struggling with acne? Dont worry this leaf from the slopes of this mountain in a region of india that i cannot pronounce has all the answers, if you take its tea the results are overnight. A griff, a scam, reliant on women's insecurities. And through women's need to be desirable and wanted, they conform, they alter themselves in hopes of being accepted and loved, they shrink themselves hoping that whatever lack and inadequacy they have for themselves, a man will love them into adequacy. And for this man, he is looking at this woman as something to have, for himself, to control.

So when you have a system that is reliant of women's insecurities, be it in Capitalism or be it in patriarchy, the obvious reaction to this is to try and make everyone conform even the ones who dont subscribe to the nonsense. And women are the people who uphold this system. By shaming other women through making fun of their bodies and height their physical appearance, it upholds the system. “Heh na si unanona, unaongeza weight” “this dress looks beautiful, but if you lost a bit more weight it would look more beautiful” “kwani mnakulishwa nini huko shule umekuwa mkubwa” “the last time i saw you ulikuwa umekonda, umekula kula sindio?” All said in an endearing tone that is not necessarily malicious but it sticks with you and to the extreme ends it can be overtly rude and insensitive. It all sticks with someone, because it translates skinny = beautiful = wanted.

And it can be more sinister if you dont subscribe to this ideology. You find other women putting other women down because they cant imagine someone is okay with being fat. They will try bully other women into this submission of shame, the shame of being fat, like it should be a universal feeling, everyone should feel bad for being fat. “Just large and in charge” my favourite comment on tiktok of women being in full acceptance of their bodies. Mimi personally, my body looks good because i have a little toochie, i have a tummy, some big yitties a nice but small butt, a double chin at times if i don't lock in and i am perfectly fine with it. I wouldnt say i am skinny nor really fat but that's also fine because my body looks like it has life, i have full cheeks and when i smile my faint dimple shows, my body is full because it is being taken care of. I nourish it and that's the point. Your body should look like it has life, it should look like it is being loved, eating is a good way to show your body love, especially if it is good food.

When women develop insecurities associated with their bodies, it leads to eating disorders. Bulimia, anorexia, AFRID and binge eating are examples of eating disorders. Which in my opinion no woman, nobody should have to subject their bodies to that and its so sad and unfair that women and anybody as of that should feel like the only way for them to matter is if they altered their bodies in harmful ways that is detrimental to their wellbeing in order to be accepted. I always say your body or your beauty is the least interesting thing about you. You have so much to offer than what your body looks like. You are probably the most kindest, most thoughtful, smart person to exist and i don't think your value should be derrived from what you look like.

I think we as women should get rid of that man in our heads. That man who tells you, “you look fat in that top” because at the end of the day the top is probably just small for your body, it shouldn't fit the way that your mind thinks it should because the body is not the problem. I think we should be comfortable and love ourselves entirely to the point that our bodies are not a point of discussion, or a point of discussion for anyone because it's very mean to look at someone else and immediately think of how “imperfect” it is as per the made up standards, made by people who like and are attracted to children and cant be with children because it’s “illegal”. I think the day that we as women will be finally comfortable with the idea of being fat, like unapologetically fat, that will be the day we will develop as a society because in that acceptance of fatness we will also be accommodating to our skinny baddies because in a way there isn't a standard of beauty and everyone can exist entirely as themselves without feeling shame.

As a girl who is only ever dating casually i am not ashamed to say that i am genuinely built for this life. In today's essay i want to talk casual relationships and what it means of a woman in our patriarchal society in terms of how she will be perspectived by the greater public. (I want to add a disclaimer, THIS IS MY OPINION, WHO'S KAKI'S, if you disagree with me that is entirely up to you, my account is not a democracy, i am giving a bean soup recipe if you are looking for a lentil one pole, the sun will still shine, let's keep it cute, enjoy, share your thoughts) (the internet can be a scary place and i don't give people room to be mean and disrespectful on MY acc, please lets remember nuance, let's proceed)

I think for the longest ever since i was a small girl, i just knew marriage was not for me, kids the whole lot, i have never really fantasized about that kind of stuff, like most little girls. I don't think i have thought about what my wedding dress would like, wedding reception, ring, names of children (maybe when i was in kindergarten but in general i just knew it was not for me). I think i have always been “woke” in the sense that from my observation of how people run their lives like my family and the family dynamic that were established, i just knew i am not one to ever want to conform or conform as per heteronormative standards.

In our home my mother established a somewhat matriarchy that she is the final decision maker. Though my father is you know the man of the house (as per african standards) and makes the decisions, he allowed my mother to “exist” in the sense that my father has never policed her autonomy, my mother leaves she pleases, she wears whatever she want, she is a key decision maker, they run a 60/40 type of relationships where traditional roles are maintained but still very modern, my mother never took my father's last name, she would tell me, “it is bad for the brand”, since they are both PhD holders, she would tell me that her taking my father's name would make her directly associated with him and it would take away from her own accomplishments.

So for me living in such a household my perception of women roles and male roles are very blurred. There was also a very strong push to education and it made me a very independent, aself aware thinker and that has really shapped how i view romantic relationships. In the sense that i have never really seen myself with someone because how most relationships are like, they really deter me from pursuing any romantic relationships. Because i will not cook nor clean for you, my mom can stay months without cooking for us because she is busy chasing the bag, my mom has never gone 2 weeks without a househelp because she doesn't have time to be a wife, a home maker(as per what is expected from her) and an academic giant, so why would you expect me to do it for you, my father has never expected that from her.

I will not submit because i am hard headed, i am opinionated asf and will argue, i love arguing. And for me all the feminist literature has gone to my head because i can't fathom me providing unpaid labor and because i believe in equality, i have the expectation that you will cook and clean. I have my nails done regularly, i am a make up and fashion baddie, in what world do you expect a bad bitch to get down to clean and cook for you, just because what you are a man? And before you say you will be providing, who told you i have an inability to grind. I don't even serve men food at a family function, children eat first, mimi kwanza i have the expectation of you fixing my plate because why would you think your stomach matters more than mine?

Anyway i was digressing, the point i was going at was i don't understand why we believe women have an inability to have casual relationships? Why do you find it hard to believe a woman doesn't want to be your anything? Why is it hard to believe a woman can exist outside the confides of this patriarchal society, and why do have this constant need to impose your beliefs? When I tell you i dont want to ever get married or be with a man long term, you cant fathom the idea? Is it so hard to believe women can be selfish, conceited? Because no i don't ever want to share a space with a man, no i don't want to wake up at 5am to make my man breakfast because he is leaving early, on a normal day my eyes dont see the sun before 11am, so why would you expect me to wake up? I am lazy asf because i don't even cook for myself, what makes you think i want to cook for a man? I have days where i can go for a long period of time without talking to anyone because i like having me time and taking time for myself, so imagine me having a long term partner, like why would i want to explain to you my silence, that is too much work and having to apologise why i went ghost, like god forbid a girl likes to keep to herself. I am very self centered, i don't want to always include you. The kind of house i want to live in, i want it in all the most pastel bright colors, so why would i want to include a man in my sanctuary? (And no this is not about man hate and misandry, because that is not what i am getting at, i am just lazy and selfish, i dont want to be a woman as per societal standards, i don't want to be accommodating and give unpaid labor, i just dont, that's it)

I don't want kids either, i am lazy and selfish, and i don't think someone like me would make a good parent and that is perfectly fine. And if at any point you are triggered with everything i am saying, i don't know what to tell you, because this KAKI'S OPINION and i am very valid for feeling like this because this MY OPINION, point blank period, i don't need to justify why i feel like this because it is SUBJECTIVE. With all this in mind, do you think i would make a good wife/girlfriend? (As per the patriarchal standards, I know some people dont mind but that is not the point of my essay, read in between the lines)

With me being the way i am i understand a conventional relationship will not work for me and that is the point of my essay is why dont we allow women to exist outside what is considered normal? Me saying i dont want a partner because I am not going to be what you need and i am not going to change for you should be enough? Not “you just haven't found a good man yet, one who will make you lean into your divine feminine” because no i still dont care. Also me saying i don't want a partner that i have to see everyday or talk to everyday because i dont want that, should be enough. I dont even want to share a bed or a closet or a room or a house, and that should be enough of a reason because that is what i want. Me saying i don't want you to call me everyday but you can call every other time to check in should be enough? Why do i have to justify myself, and why does everyone have to create excuses for me “oh maybe a man you met was bad, i am different” while in reality that is not the case, i just dont want to be your anything.

Me saying we can just fuck and go hang out every other time should be enough. Why do we create excuses for women sexuality? You do realise women can also want sex, i know shocking, crazy? Why do we shame women who are very open in their sexuality? By labelling them hos? Why do you view sex as an action being PERFORMED on the woman, isn't she a willing participant? Isn't she consenting? When you shame women you are directly try to control and police their autonomy. Me saying i dont want to be in a relationship with a man because i don't want to feel like a prisoner should be 1000% valid because that is how I feel and my feelings are justified. I am not speaking for everyone, so why would you feel the need to speak for me.

If me and my partner (who are both consenting adults) came up with a relationship dynamic that fits both of our needs then it should be perfectly fine. Because what would i be doing dating a man who wants a stay at home wife and 4 kids, what will i do for this man, stress him everyday. Because you expect me to to text consistently, ask you about your day, ambitions and goals while i am just here for good time not a long time. I feel like everyone should be very upfront with what they are looking for and not lie about their intentions because that is where i feel like casual relationships go wrong.

People are not honest, i believe there is a person for everyone, if you want a “crazy” babe who will blow up your phone and you are dating me, you will be in for a shock, i am such a leaver and that is perfectly fine. If you are not looking for anything serious why would go for Nancy (alias) who has always dreamt of a white picket fence? You hurt Nancy along the way and all you could have done is leave her. Kina Kaki wako huku nje. I think right now as i am navigating this Nairobi dating scene, i ask people immediately what are you looking for because i don't have any time to waste. I tell men, i am looking for casual they are like yeess great and then you are trying to tell me about your mother, like ebu fanya kenye imekuleta town, i am not going to be your pretend gf, i will not talk about myself my hobbies etc because that is not what we are doing here, casual means CASUAL. If you dont want my version of casual are you going to comply with my rules. I am way too strict, i run a Megan thee Stallion ship, i get off board immediately there is some bs. I will not cook nor clean, so will you? Will not submit and i expect submission, so will you? Will you plan dates and regular flowers? If not what are we doing here? Why would you expect relationship things from a casual relationship? If you ever see me walk around with a man and claim him, just know he is doing everything that is required of him.

Mimi naona we leave women alone and come correct, manipulation and games suck, i promise you the casual babes also want casual. You will not find a babe who wants the whole boyfriend experience and treat her poorly because it is very unfair and you will not find a babe like me who is telling i don't care where you have been or who you were with and force her to care. You will not make me your girlfriend as per what you think, sitaki, sidai, kaa nayo. You either fall in line or leave me alone, and leave other women alone. I promise you, we can get down but i still don't care if your mother was a crackhead, fanya kenye imekuleta town mastory mingi utaniambia ile siku utataka kuosha nyumba yangu but as of now, i sincerely dont care.

(If you are reading this angry, relax your brows, it is never that serious, i am just some random girl on the Internet you will live and you should probably ask yourself why you feel so entitled to a random person on the internet's opinion, the essay is more than just my personal experience and i hope you can read between the lines and understand it is is heavily layered, the point i was making was why do we have this idea that women can't engage in casual relationships because in thinking so you apply gender biases that we are trying to get rid of. Keep in mind i also asked why do men go about their casual relationships the way they do? Why do you have to lie and manipulate while all you can do is be honest with your intentions, saves everyone the hustle)

As a girl who has never had a boyfriend i think i am more than qualified to speak on this because i am me, duhh and every opinion i have is goated, besides coaches dont play!!🤪 Today i want to talk about heterosexual relationships and how misogyny and the patriarchy plays into the quality of relationships, most straight people have and this need to uphold heteronormative dynamics.

So as a person who spends a lot of time on the internet, time and time again a woman will come onto the internet and complain about her loser boyfriend/husband/man etc and people will tell her, to leave him and she will defend him saying oh “you cant tell anything about a relationship in a 30 sec clip” and i agree, personally i am not even going talk about that because that is not what my essay is about. My essay, will talk about why such dynamics exist and what role do you play as the woman in choosing your partner and why do you just “take it”.

(I want to say this if you are reading my work for the first time, hi<3 in order for you to read my work, nuance is heavily required) (i am not writing this in a way to hold women accountable because i always stand 10 toes down for women, dont mistake my work here, i only give insight on why things are the way they are from what i observe, we don't shame women, we uplift, just a clarification, enjoy do share your thoughts though, remember nuance, let's proceed..)

So a few things i saw today on tiktok helped gather my thoughts for today's essay because i had been meaning to write this 2 weeks ago and one of the things i saw was; are you setting a bar to who can date you or not and what are you requirements. She had 5 and it reminded me of my very own kind of list, i call it, “✨️SO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IN KAKI'S PANTS, LETS SEE?✨️” and on their i have 5 criterias that will determine if you can date me or not.

1. Physical attraction- im i physically attracted you? Because for me unfortunately i am very shallow if you are not fine, i cant date you, sitakuficha kama bangi my friend, i am sorry

2. Attributes- do you match what i am looking for personality wise? Smart, funny, quiet and chill?

3. Non negotiables- most important btw, these are things i cant overlook, physicalities perhaps, attributes perhaps but non negotiables no. Some of mine included, do you think women deserve rights? What do you think about abortion, what do you think about pedophilia? Are you homophobic? What do you think about Palestine/Sudan/Congo? My non negotiables are political because why would i sleep with someone who doesn't view me as a person, why would you sleep with someone who hates gay people to their core? Do you think this person will ever treat you okay if they treat other people without respect? Do they liter? If your man doesn't value or respect the planet why would you think they will respect you?

4. How do you handle conflict? Are you an angry person? Will you shout at me? If you will, you will hurt me. I always say if he can shout at me, he can hit me and if he can hit me, he can kill me. Do you break things when angry? That man will break you.

5. Are on the same freak level? Good sex is a very important part of any relationship you get into and you as a woman, YOUR NEEDS ARE EQUALLY IMPORTANT, YOUR VOICE MATTERS, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO, TO SAY WHAT YOU DONT WANT BECAUSE YOU ARE A PARTICIPANTS NOT AN OBJECT OF ACTION!!

Her list was very similar to mine but hers was asking, is your man a good person?(even to ask this is crazy in my opinion) And the first on her list was is he physically/verbally abusive? Not inconsiderate, not thoughtful, ABUSIVE. Because she was explaining that there has to be a line in which when he crosses that man should be gone and abuse should be on the top of things that disqualifies your man. The other for her was the non negotiables and non negotiables can look very different for different people, so there you should tailor make yours to fit into the kind of person you are. So she was saying a non negotiable can be money, can be political affiliation like mine and anything else you feel is important to the person you are. The 3rd one was conflict, is he a good communicator, will they be a crash out, will they ghost whatever fits with the person that you are should be a consideration of whatever you are looking for in a partner and the last 2 were the physical and interests, they should align with who you are as a person.

Why im i bringing all this up? Amazing, great question!! I feel like we as women have been socialised to not want more than what is handed to us. We have been told settling is the only way to get what you might want because having ambition is crazy. You could want Theo James (🫦) but its “unrealistic”, but John from marketing is a nice guy, he might not be the most handsome nor tall, he might be bald but he is a nice guy, has a stable job and he is a man of god, what more can you ask for? He will not treat you like a princess but he will build you a home be an okay father at best and that should be enough. “Sisi ndio tuko, unataka Alejandro na Njoro ndio ako” and we settle. We settle for everything, you wanted to be this big time lawyer in the big city, had big ambitions and dreams but the patriarchy robs you, because to the system you are not more than a baby making machine for some man who will never make you finish to jiz in, you are a warm hole for this bum and the only difference between you and this bum, is he has a penis and you dont, his worth is tied to his penis.

This idea that you are not allowed to want more for yourself, in terms of a better partner and a better life, limits you to taking whatever is given to you. I am not saying it's your fault, it's the patriarchy's fault. It has sold you lies, through media especially through media. Romance movies are propaganda in itself. What do you mean a girl is supposed to leave her chance of a good job or an education to follow A MAN??? A bum matter of fact, in the name of love??? Ati love conquers everything??? I disagree, whatever you want exists you are allowed to want more, more is yours to have. Also another thing is the mid ugly propaganda, no i don't want a rat looking man that i have to keep gaslighting myself is hot. Because guess what the rat looking man in his hearts of hearts believes he can bag Megan thee Stallion, like in what world??? In what world will Megan Fox look at you, i will tell you, in this one because a Megan fox has been gaslit into thinking rat man is nichely hot, is a silver fox, has a dad bod and all the lies that are spread, because in rat man's mind he believes he deserves Megan fox because he IS a man.

I am bringing all this up because when we as women interact with men because it is inevitable because heterosexuality is the “default” sexual orientation, we don't look at ourselves as subjects of desire or subjects of pursuit because it has been engraved in our subconscious since we were children that we are “a prize” “a token” AN OBJECT. Even in how we approach heteronormative dynamics or relationships, women are to be courted, to be pursued, to be WON by the man by making her his girlfriend/wife. The man is supposed to take her on dates, buy her flowers, open the door, pay for everything, pamper her, spoil her with an ultimate goal and the goal is not necessarily even sex, could be for those who assign value onto sex but i would argue the ultimate goal is the ownership. The title. And that's why women who lack the title are looked down upon. Because the object of desire was not worthy enough of full possession, just partial possession, being the sex. Because to them, the men, conquering is the goal, and conquering could look different for different men because all of them have their own individualised goal.

And the role of women in this system is to avail themselves for conquer in the way that best suits the man. So the woman should be polite, interesting but not too interesting that it will challenge the mans inadequacies this is with the assumption that the man she is dealing with struggles with inadequacies because there are some men who are secure. She should avail her body for sex but not too quickly because it is not fun for the man who feels as though it is “game” like wildlife, there is fun in the hunt and if she makes herself too readily then she is no fun, because how dare a woman also want sex, she is my jizing hole, that is for who view the woman as game but another man would not really mind because that is not his goal, his goal, could be emotional reliance, she is an object to bear my emotional baggage that i being a coward isn't ready to deal with, another man views her as an object of possession, i can't let her be with anyone else, SHE IS MINE and what do you do when you want to claim something, you make it known even go as far as a legal contract (marriage) because at the end of the day she is MY possession, in whatever way i feel i need her to be.

And the thing about society it absolutely needs conformity to thrive. I have mentioned this before conformity=community. And the only way to establish conformity is through strict gender binaries and when you add shame especially internalised shame, you keep people in check. “What will people say if i am 30 and unmarried” “he doesn't meet everything i need but at least he has a stable job and wants kids and is willing to marry me” “all my friends are getting married why im i not getting married” “he treats me really bad but when he is nice, everything is nice, so it's okay” “people in church look at me weird” you get what i am putting down now?

You will end up choosing a shitty man who puts dog food in your lunch box (true story btw) because he doesn't beat me and he has money. You date your forex boyfriend, he assaults you on camera, calls you a very bad word, you come online to defend him and say we don't know him like you do and that is how you joke. It is very very sad because you dont need to deal with that, better exists, you deserve more than having a partner who hates you, because he hates women, he is a misogynist. Which you could have wedded out when you asked the non negotiable question. Why would your dignity as a woman came at the price of love?? And why is women suffering so normalised and allowed?? And why is the shame and burden of loving the wrong person on her?

I will tell you why the shame is on the woman to carry not the abusive man. When the wife comes online and complains about her husband and we shame her by saying you coose that, we do not leave room for the potential chance of somewhere in her life, she had probably dreamt of marrying Chris Evans but you told her, her body looked a certain way and she was too this or too that and Chris Evans could only look at someone like Angelina Jolie, how do you expect this woman who has never been given the chance to dream or even be bigger than herself or even have an opinion, an opinion about her body, to all over sudden have “discernment”. How do you as a woman who has never gone through abuse, all over sudden have a right to pass judgement while sitting in your feminist/privilege high horse? We punish women because it is easier because if we were to actually sit down and upack a lot that we think, we will come to the realisation that it is all illogical and frankly stupid and men are bad people but because nobody wants to do the work, nobody wants to be wrong, let's use the “female punching bag” because its easier to say “Jane is a dumb ho for loving”, than saying “John is a manipulative, evil, ugly bum”

Have you heard the saying, “people accept the love the deserve” “you cant dream beyond your exposure”?? Can we extend grace??? We are a product of everything we interract with and when we are so quick to judge women we shift the blame from the actual perpetrators of violence and abuse. Yes the woman has an awful husband and she should leave rightfully, but you dont know the kind of life she has lived up until that point. I am not saying this to make an excuse because we are not responsible for our trauma but it is our responsibility to heal and get better, but everyone starts from somewhere. We can hold space for people and understand growth looks different and its in different paces while still giving people room to grow. We should give women room to unpack the years of shame and guilt and self hate we as the society have given them. By creating unattainable standards for women not just in beauty but in general while still kicking them at their lowest, we are not able to allow women to grow into the “standards” we feel and actually believe they deserve. You cant expect Njeri who hates her body from the years of you calling her everything but perfect to not fawn over a loser who doesn't look at her body as anything more than a hole to cum in. What do you expect Njeri to do when some loser gives her attention for the first time in her life? Can we work on empowering Njeri? Can we instill in Njeri's mind that her body is the least interesting think about her? Mko so so quick to be the morality police while being mean people?? Free my girl Njeri fr!!!

When we choose partners it is a very intimate and vulnerable things. Having someone see you at their best and worst and still choosing you at the end of the day is something so serious and very personal. I think the beauty of love is the beauty in the mundane, and in the mundane you can find intimacy in it. Something as boring as doing groceries shopping can be intimate, sex can be intimate, sharing a quiet space can be intimate. I think we should allow ourselves to enjoy that intimate moments and its also perfectly fine for the moment to end. It is not meant to be a forever thing and what matters is what was felt in that moment, i am a firm believer of the opposite of “happily ever after” “till death do us part” “forever” “soulmates” because i don't think love is supposed to be like that, i think it is meant to be shared with as many people you encounter in your life because love grows on for a long time. And maybe the person you shared that moment with was the wrong person, and i think that should also be perfectly fine. Because there is an entire future to share more of those moments with other wrong people and other right people, i think that is the beauty of life. I don't believe we have to have everything figured out and i also don't think we should make other people feel bad for not having figured it out, because that is internal and you are just projecting. I am a firm believer of “pilipili usioila yakuwashia nini??” Mind your business and let people live fun police🤣🫵🏽

Hi/Sasa/Salut!! (Hi in every language:) ) In today's essay i would like us to explore morality and this idea behind goodness/badness and how it affects the human experience. I think about this a lot, who or what is the determinant of what is moral and what isnt, and what consequences (good or bad) should one recieve after doing an action that would otherwise be considered immoral or after doing an action that is considered moral. And why we feel the need to police morality, especially as young people who would consider themselves left leaning or even those who consider themselves right leaning and who has finally gotten it right. Let's dive in, shall we?

(I would like to hope those who already know my style of writing understand that nuance is very important and those who arent familiar with my writing keep an open mind i don't give room for people to bean soup recipe theory my work, at the end of the day this is my opinion and the sun will still shine lol, with that in mind, enjoy!!! Do share your thoughts)

With the rise or rather the development of technological advancements, arguments could made that technology in as much its a good thing, the bad that it brought really changed how we perceive our world and how we move about life. Technological advancement gave birth to social media and everyone has their own feelings about this, could be positive or negative feelings, but personally that's not what i would like to focus on in this essay.

I brought up social media in my essay to use it as an object of the conversation and my subject will be based on how social media has facilitated people to hold opinions on everything, especially on people because everyone is living under a perceivable lens. Since people post “everything” online for other people to see, this allows people to form opinions on people who they have never met. The idea of parasocialism will play into this idea because if everything is out on display then people (the observers) are able to project their own opinions on issues they see because of their inability to seek the bigger idea or rather the full story because at the end of the day these are total strangers. Because if this someone you know then you can just ask them the full story and wont need to fill in your own gaps.

Why im i bringing this up? Because, for a majority of Gen Z's life, we have only ever known a life where social media is intergrated into our daily lives and i feel like this limits people from thinking about life nuanced-ly. This idea that everything exists in absolutes is very flawed because that is not people's lived experience. This idea that “sorry not sorry but…. can't take place when this…. happens” is so flawed. And you can see this “absolute” type of thinking on both ends of the political spectrum. This idea that right leaning people are bad people is flawed and they are irredeemable is also flawed and in the same breathe that left leaning people are good and have it figured out and know everything is also flawed, because it removes the human experience of being wrong.

I don't think there is anything that is an absolute moral claim except things like pedophilia and sexual assault and assault in general because those have 0 justification. There is nothing that can justify pedophilia and SA but something like lying and murder can be justified. And dont mistake me by saying a human life is not important but you can, to some extent justify murder, self defence, accidents right? But something like SA there is nothing that can be a good enough reason to defile and dehumanize someone at that level and pedophilia too, there is no justification for such stuff. Anyway that's besides the point, the point i was making was there is no objective moral claim because there is a lot of gray areas in life.

We have been so desensitised by social media and just life in general that we have this need to police everything and everyone as per what you personally feel like is morally correct while in reality that is a subjective opinion. We forget that everything we know, think, feel is a collection of what our lives have been from the time we were born up until this very moment you are reading this piece. Why do we have this expectation that everyone is supposed to think and feel the same way as you do, when in reality you are 2 very different people. We cant all hold the same opinions and that's okay, can we allow people to grow, can we extend grace? You cant expect a person who has never opened a chemistry text book to all over sudden know organic chemistry and covalent bonds right?

In this same line of conversation, i would give an example that is rather controversial but something like cheating is not exactly a moral failure. I don't think it should be held at the level of lets say, assault. It is not as serious as WE the outsiders would paint it. I know this will ruffle some feathers and i am about to explain. I think the only person who is entitled to feel a certain way about cheating is the person who got cheated on and the people close to that person. Dont get me wrong i am not defending cheating because i feel like cheating is very very inconsiderate and very disrespectful and a horrible thing you can do to someone who you claim to love and respect but that should only be reserved for those who are actively experiencing it. People cheat for a multitude of reasons and we as the outsiders would never know what was going on in people's relationships because the reason why YOU got cheated on could be very different from why the other person got cheated on. (I saw @jahelis talk about thid on her tiktok, she is so good omd, go look her up, she is one of my favourite content creators)

And people choosing to go back to their cheating partner is also not a moral failing because you dont know what they had going on and your need to project your personal feelings onto other people is the problem because in your judgment you are policing people's morality. Cheating is not something to proclaim someone should die or something people who form parasocial relationships with people who got cheated on should use to harass the “cheater”. It has never ever been that serious, you will live i promise (you the observer) the person who got cheated on is allowed to have whatever opinion about the issue because it's their lived situation. Wanipata? (Oh i am not talking about my very personal friend Megan thee Stallion, my very personal baby has gone through a lot)

Another way to look at this, is how women who are “misandrist” (fake idea btw, i wrote about this) go about their feelings about men. There is this idea that you choosing as a woman to engage with men in this patriarchal society is a moral failure. Framing women who choose to procreate with men as stupid and wanting to form relationships with men as stupid because they are bad people, which is not true nor false because “badness” is again subjective. There is no defined “bad” that everyone has agreed upon and taken as true because everyone's lived experience affects how they view the world. (Except the 2 that i had mentioned which again some bad people would argue with me against).

This idea that women still choosing to be with men after everything is very disingenuous because in doing so we erase the heterosexuality identity. Women are straight (unfortunately) and as a queer woman who also is attracted to men and has dated some really shitty men its inevitable because you like what you like. And even this man isn't the way he is because he chooses, its a cumulation of everything he has ever interracted with since he was a child up until the time he met you. And i think it is very unfair to expect everyone to have deconstructed everything that you have because for you to have deconstructed what you have a series of events led you to that point. Because you didnt pop out of the womb with a bell hooks book in hand and your first words being “intersectional/radical feminism”, you learnt all that because you had the privilege to.

I think another really interesting way to look at morality, in order for you to be a judge of what is morally correct you have to be at a point of privilege. Because think about it this way, if it was during an apocalyptic time and there was no food and the only thing left to eat is a fellow human being would you eat them? Your probable first answer is nooo, i would never, but put yourself in that situation, try and imagine it, i honestly feel like i would, i don't think that necessarily makes me a bad person, i am just a person trying to survive. You can now apply that logic to conservative women, it is at the end of the day survival, isn't inherently bad, perhaps? You will be the judge of that.

Even with religion, i will talk about Christianity because that is the religion i know. Morality is heavily dependent on redemption. The whole concept behind Jesus is to save, he gives grace from “sin” and again sin is subjective. What i personally consider wrong is very different than what your typical religious person does, your religious person believes indulging in sex alcohol and drugs is the path to hell and me who indulges in said “sin” thinks genocide and slavery and systemic oppression is wrong and to some extent everyone is valid for holding the opinion that they do irrespective of if the opinion is down right stupid. i would also argue that with ideas of policing morality, we give room for hypocrisy because everyone in their hearts of hearts believe they are correct. While in reality the concept of being correct is heavily reliant on one's specific lived experience.

I really like this creator on tiktok her name is Jahelis @jahelis, she is has this ability to explain her takes in a very very nuanced light in a way that everything exists at the same time and more than 2 things can be true all at once. I saw some creator on here talk about how people are hiding behind pubic hair being overstimulating and people are not addressing the real issue being patriarchy has convinced women that pubic hair is bad and people are hiding behind “therapy jargon” and i really disliked how she went about her article because people on the spectrum/neurodivergent people actually go through that “overstimulation” in your judgment you are erasing actual people's lived experiences. The takes most people i hear give are 90% either regurgitated or not well thought through, because most times, many of us lack this ability to give room for a lot to exist. And in doing so, we limit our ability to grow and change and hold other opinions. We also limit other people from changing their mind.

I believe for a good take or a good opinion to exist it has to have some element of contradiction within itself because in doing so it allows room for it to be built upon. I would also like to say that in no way shape or form im i condoning right wing ideologies because they harm people that's a given but i am also saying your left wing opinions, lean very right in the way you choose to explain yourself because its the same thing you have always known just repackaged (it is the same thing because most of us have grown right and strayed further, but i feel like we are keeping most of the elements of the things we detest most and changing to suit us, i would even argue that some of these left leaning individuals if given the opportunity they would do exactly what the right are doing in terms of ostracization and judgement just with inclusivity)

With everything said, i feel like we should deconstruct this idea of a binary way of life. You can acknowledge that people are not necessarily bad people, they just do bad things and that's absolutely fine. There is also no right way to be good, because good is also not in 1 form it exists in many forms and that's the beauty of life. Bad/good are entirely dependent on how we view the world and we should allow ourselves and other people to make mistakes, nobody has everything figured out. We should also touch grass, “you dont know people's lives from a 30 sec clip” so mind your business, “you also dont know them like i do” because you genuinely dont, let us stop projecting our perception of the world onto other people because your opinion is YOUR truth not THE truth. In conclusion, nuance is very important and nobody is a bad person or a good person, we are just people and we should be okay with the potential sides of both, good and evil manifesting in people.

Sasa factor in my whole distaste for dogs and how i feel about our big ass scary dog, wacha niwaambie what my brother did because i am upset about it and however youfeel about this whole situation that i am about to tell you, is not my problem because this KAKI'S opinion and KAKI'S feelings.

So i am in the house my mom tells me go to the shamba and get some greens for dinner right, so me and my brother's girlfriend went together. On our way out i see the dog and i am scared and tell them to hold the dog for me because i was scared right, and these assholes decide to play with me and mess around, i am genuinely so scared and tell them please shikeni tu the joke is over because i was about to cry, IT IS THAT SERIOUS. And eventually they do and i go to the shamba. When i come back guess what this evil man does, he had brought the dog to the door/gate of the shamba.

Like are you fucking kidding me??? Ati its irrational to be scared and i have to get over my fear. Who gave you the right to decide that?? I am genuinely scared and i was about to cry and all of are laughing. That was so mean and inconsiderate because why did you feel like it was okay for you to joke about that?? Why didn't you respect my wishes?? And now i am holding a jembe and everyone is making it seem like i need to chill and its not that serious and i took it too far.

I hate that because mbona mko so mean??? This is just one instance i have so many instances in my life where men have invalidated my feelings about certain issues, in the name of “you cant take a joke” “its not that serious” “unaboo” “you are too emotional”. Like god forbid your actions have made me upset and i am allowed to be upset right.

Another instance because i am up and vexful, i hate how men invalidate how i feel, because instead of me getting upset what i should have said is “DIE!” So, i was on a phone call with some friend i was close to but after this day i stopped talking to them. I was trying to tell them something about my own story and how i felt about that situation, and they didn't let me speak, they kept speaking over me and i was basically begging them to let me speak about my own story because this man was very inconsiderate. So i am getting irritated because sasa katikaki yako na mimi ni nani anajua, si unyamaze nikuambie right and i tell him, i will hang up the phone because you are being mean.

And his smug ass was saying si ukate and i hang up the phone because who tf are you feeling like on my device, so he calls me back and is upset i hang up and basically turned it on me being sensitive and ati i am a buzz kill and i was emotional about the situation while in reality they were invalidating my feelings and i hate that. Another man basically sexually assaulted (actually he did not “basically” do it, he did) in church, because he kept touching me inappropriately and i kept telling him to stop and this had gone for a long time not just that day and i got visibly upset and he played it off as you are being dramatic and sensitive ati he was just messing around because my defiance brought unwarranted attention from other people in church who were quiet when this happened and its not just me, he has also harasses other women in church.

And from that day i stopped talking to him and refused to even acknowledge his preference in which he made it seem like i was exaggerating and it wasn't that serious, mind you that day after that incident i cried at night because he harassed me and violated me in public. I hate men because why would you make me feel crazy for feeling bad about your actions. When i told my female friend about it, she confronted him (mind you this was months later) but my male friends who were in church that day said nothing, fuck you btw.

Another man (i could go on for days, men are just arrghhh) would say my feet looked like Fiona from shrek, mind you my toes are beautiful, like???? And would say my head is shapped like a basketball and my dumbass would just hehe about it because if i dared say anything about him being obviously rude and a jerk, he would be “you cant take a joke” “unaboo” while your “joke” isnt even funny, you are just being a bully and i as a woman i am supposed to just take it because what, i will be a buzz kill, you know what, fuck that and fuck you, fuck all of you.

I hate how you make women feel like they are too much and invalidate their feelings because you are a stone cold loser who the patriarchy has convinced you that those who feel are the losers while in reality you are a hateful mean spirited person who hates themselves and as a result you hate women. I hate all of you from the bottom of my heart because you are losers, you are all losers because you refuse to feel, and you make people who feel, feel like they are the ones who are on the loosing end. Even in relationships, you do some fucked shit to your partners and invalidate them, you make them feel like they are crazy when in reality you are the problem, you are always the problem.

Personally anytime i hear a man call a woman crazy i just know you are the devil's spawn because you drove her to insanity. I am so done pretending like i am okay with all of this, you will not gaslight me into feeling like i am insane for being upset about your actions. Mko so inconsiderate and mean, you are so mean. Even the way you talk about your male friends, why would you call your friends fat and it be okay? Why would you make fun of your friends appearance, in the name of a joke??? I will be the one to say it, mko so unfunny, being mean is not funny. What is funny about someone's head shape, walk, racism, disability, fascism, sexism?? I hate the reels you send me because they are so unfunny, YOU ARE SO UNFUNNY.

I hate how we have normalised hate being funny and being jerks and assholes as the norm and those who feel bad about the jerks and assholes as weak. You are hateful, mean and an awful person and i wil not be gaslit into thinking mimi ndio niko na shida for feeling like that. I hate all of you and honestly DIE!!!🫵🏽

i never really write about my personal life but i want this to go into the universe because it has been eating me inside

Dear Mr R,

Hi, hello. What is with the ups? Now that i am here i really dont know how to go about it because i have a lot that i would like to say to you but i was well rather still scared. I miss you, you know? Not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I always wonder, do you think about me, i am pretty sure you dont. Which hurts even more to think about it. I always think to my self, does my memory haunt your house or your car, do you just sit in your car and think about the things we have done in it? Do you go to places we have been and for a second think about us there. I do.

In as much as I would hate to admit this, the time i spent with you and the time that i got to know you, was one of the best times of my life. And the reason why i would hate to admit it is because i am certain you dont share the same sentiments. I always like to say that we could have worked if you weren't so evil (avoidant) but i think the reason why we couldn't have worked was because i am also avoidant but not in the way that you are. But rather the idea of you also feeling what i felt or rather vocalised them, would have scared me because it would mean you have picked me and i dont think i could bare the thought.

I wonder, do you listen to our song? I always do. I wonder if you listen to Beyonce, do you think of me? I would hope you did, i classically conditioned you after all ;) I wonder, when wake up every morning and go to brush teeth, does my yellow toothbrush serve as a reminder of my presence or my washcloth in your bathroom? Or did you throw them out, finally? This final break up? Because everytime you would discard me and i came back to your place i would find my things just as i had left them. Does my scent sometimes linger in your bed? Do you see yellow and think, Miss Angel would love this? (I used to hate the name Angel, since i everyone used to call me that when i was small, until you started calling me Angel, your Angel)

I am on some yucky yearning shit I know, but unfortunately that is who I am. I am very bad with words, well I would be lying because that is not the case, I have written a lot of poems about you but not one have i read to you. Because i was scared, not scared you wouldnt reciprocate, scared that in some alternate reality you would wake up and want to lock in. I am so scared of the possibility of anyone loving me not because i don't think i am deserving of it but more along the lines of I will disappoint. What if you only loved the good parts of me? What if i have a manic episode or a depressive episode so bad that you will never look at me the same way? What if in an episode, completely disregard your feelings and say some very horrible, mean things that i most like 100% meant or i could love you fully because I am sick in the head?

I always think about the nights we spent in your car, remember the day we got pizza and ate in the car at night at some parking lot and just talked about life. Or the night drives with frank ocean in the background, you dropping me home, knowing very well i don't want to go back there because i hate my family? Or the silence we would share being in each other's presence while everyone did their own thing after fucking, you would play PUBG, i would be on my phone watching tiktoks or watching tv with your hand on my leg? Or the conversations we would have on the rooftop joint in hand?

To me everything felt so intimate and special. We would like to pretend it was just sex but we both know that was not the case. Even said sex was intimate, the “i love yous” ….princess” “mine” to me, it was less of sex and more like you making love to me. And we would say the i love you meant nothing, but to me it meant everything.

Even when we would fight if i could even call it that because we have shouted at each other, we have never had to argue about anything because you didn't care about anything enough to say something. What you would do is shut me out and in those times i wish you would actually get angry and say something, which you didnt, you never did. In my head, i believed you didn't want to get physically angry because you know what it meant to me, i hate screaming and shouting because that is all i have ever known in my parent’s house. I still would like to believe that is the reason not that you are some man child incapable of articulating your emotions.

To me you were like an escape, a drug, which you played into very well because you understood that this could never happen for your own personal reasons and for my time and time refusal to acknowledge what was going on i would say “we are casual right?” “I am only here to fuck” “i dont love you but i have deep admiration for you” while sitting on your lap giving you popcorn kisses. But i don't think that was the case because i did love you, possibly, i have still not been able to admit to myself and i don't think i am going to admit on substack for everyone to read but you.

I think we both met each other at the time of our lives that we just needed someone. You needed someone to be kind to you and i needed a distraction and possibly to be shown that there is a possibility of experiencing love with totally pushing back on it. It was in the way you looked at me, you had so much adoration and gentlness in your eyes, even if it was performitive, it really meant the world to me. Nobody has ever looked at me the way you did, your eyes held so much love and admiration. (Our song is playing and i am crying, i put on our playlist and when i was writing this it came up) During sex, that was the very first time i didnt feel disgusting because to me, you made me feel like i was the only girl in the world, even the way you handled my body, with so much delicacy, like i was porcelain. I remember telling i hated sex, it was always so painful and i hated penetration. And the very first time we got intimate, most of our clothes reminded on and i finished for the first in my 19 years of living. And from there it just got better and better because you listened to me and my body, you cared.

You would also cook for me and overrall just take care of me, to you it probably didnt mean anything but to me, it did, everything meant the world to me. You never verbally expressed your emotions but to me, your actions even though fake showed me you cared even if it was a little. When you would ghost and not say anything i would be devastated but i understood you, or maybe i was stupid. I probably have a lot of faith in the person that you could have been. Maybe you pushing me away meant exactly that, you dont want anything to do with me. I think i have finally understood that and i am finally letting you go.

I am writing this with the intentions of me finally sitting in the discomfort of my feelings (i start therapy, the same therapy i kept telling you to go to) my therapist told me i should get rid of you forever because being with you makes me hide behind my own personal issues i need to work on. I don't want to keep feeling like its exhausting to be loved, i dont want to keep feeling like i have be constantly be mentally prepared for people to leave me because i have this feeling that i will fuck up. And so being with you is easy because i knew from the get go you would leave because i am also a leaver to some extent, only difference i am not the one leaving first because the guilt of leaving first will eat me up alive and the sad part is the leaving is inevitable and i am always mentally ready to hurt the people i love.

Being with you is easy, because i have no expectations from you and i know at the end of the day i am not going to be the bad guy. “Maybe if we were different people it work” i would say to you but in reality if we were different people i don't think it would have worked out because it make sense because I am me and you are you. I think i yearn for you because you are not mine to have and i am always one to want things that i cant have. I find comfort in the idea that you are unattainable because i don't think I would be ready for repercussions that would come with having you because i would be met with myself but in its ugliest form. So i settle for you because you are me just slightly worse.

All my love,

Miss Angel :)

I should have hugged you a bit more the last time i saw you, and i should have kissed you a bit more longer. All in all, if you ever get to read this hopefully not lol, i care about you deeply and i want all the best for you, this is goodbye for now at least, if you ever need anything, i am always here for you, call me, text whatever, i am your friend first before your lover. All the best, DWM <3

Clickbait:)

No silly straight people are not oppressed but walk with me, today we will talk about “birds” as per tiktok lingo *cue pretty little birds by sza*

I know father Abraham (king of patriarchy) is rolling in his grave laughing at us women for falling for misogynistic pipelines time and time again and this time the new term women are using to shame other women is “birds”. Because the oppressor doesn't need to do much, as long as they have your mind wamekukamata, nowadays, the misogynists arent going to the ground like the old days, they need recruits to do the job for them. It's the tale as old as time, look at colonialism, white supremacy (you can look at from a colorism point of view and racism point of view too) and now misogyny. But dont fret your 70% deconstructed sister is here to rescue you (i still have a long way to go), deconstruction starts in the mind.

The term bird has always rubbed me the wrong way and i have written about this previously but it was from the lense of why “birds” are the way they are because it is a by-product of patriarchy and i was writing that article when bird meant pick me, which was the original meaning but yet again we have lost the plot because it slowly turned from telling women “wake up and free yourselves from the shackles of patriarchy” to now shaming women for being with men, mind you the opp we were fighting was MEN how did it now turn into shaming women. I can tell you what happened. Misogyny happened and sorry to break it to y'all, even women can be misogynists, which is very sad because babe you also have tits, stand the fuck up and tighten up. I think we should really be asking ourselves, why are we so quick to jump on the woman hating band wagon? Why are we the quickest to fix our lips to say some really messed up things about women, why is hating women so easy especially as a woman. I can tell you why, most of us hate ourselves and this hate was taught to us by the patriarchy. Everything we hate about ourselves is as a result of the patriarchy's expectation of what a “woman” should be and 99% of the time its is unattainable. And instead of looking at that and re-evaluate one's self perspection, we result to projection (a defense mechanism) and what is a better target of said projection, a mirror of oneself and the mirror is another woman, i mean if i can't i am unable to meet all the unrealistic standards but i am able to meet a few that my counterpart isn't, might as well shit on them, the bullied became the bully.

A lot to process right? But if you actually think about it and did an introspection, you might find my words hold truth, even if not fully, partly definitely. And the thing is it is never even intentional, it is ingrained in our subconscious through years of conditioning. But with us having an understanding of why misogyny well rather internalised misogyny affects our perception of ourselves and other women, we can now unpack this need to constantly feel we need to hold women accountable especially over things that are not necessarily within their control, the thing in question, how they interact with men especially intimately and basically i will talk about the cost of heterosexuality for a woman in a patriarchal society.

My best friend and I, the other day were talking about the cost of ones individuality or self when it comes to dating men, i was asking her, is it worthy to loose yourself in the name of love and if it is worth it, who is the determinant of this said worth. As a queer woman who mostly dates men but has never had a boyfriend (and honestly never plans on being anyone's anything) i am always conflicted by the concept of a relationship with a man. Because for me i feel like if i am to be anyone's anything i would loose myself and would have to keep making compromises that my selfish self would not be willing to make. But my friend who has a boyfriend would argue it is worth it because the companionship one gets and the process of getting to know someone and having someone who is there for you at the end of a long day, makes the compromise worth it. Because she argued it wasn't a matter of loosing yourself rather a matter of two people who are their own people coming together to add onto one another's life.

Why im i bringing this up? Good question. I feel like everything is a matter of perceptive and the unique thing about perspectives, is its a personal experience. My perspective on love and relationships is very different from my friends because our individual life experiences shape the person we are. So who would i be, sitting on my feminist high horse to tell my friend why are you with that man, this is with the assumption that this man is an okay average dude, he isn't abusive or anything but isn't romeo either, who im i to project what i think the perfect man is because my perfect man is very different from what my friend thinks. For me my perfect man is a man who is quiet, is very chill, a bit submissive, gentle and isn't possessive, isn't going to text me every second of the day, a man i don't need to speak to everyday or see because in my reality including someone else fully makes me feel like a prisoner but other people would disagree with me, they want a dominant man who is possessive and a bit jealous because that is what makes her feel like her man is invested in her.

With this in mind i think we should really strive to mind our business but don't misconstrued me i am not saying that should let our friends be whoever they want even if they are horrible because its not our place to say anything rather when we do choose to say something it should not be from a place of judgement. Because genuinely “you dont know him like i do”. I think we forget that love or wanting to be loved is a very normal human emotion and i would argue it is one of the most vulnerable things anyone can do.

Sometimes your “bird” friend is just someone who tired to love the wrong person and it didn't work and honestly that's absolutely fine. Why are we shaming people for loving? Yes the love might have been misdirected for a plethora of reasons, one being low self worth. Sometimes people cling onto love from the wrong people because of their inability to love themselves, “we accept the love we think we deserve”. Is it fucked up? Definitely, like stand up babe but i think we should still hold space for compassion, because people really go through so many fucked up things and its very unfair to expect everyone to have done the amount of emotional work because it's not an overnight thing. And i think we should instead redirect that accountability towards telling themto get help.

Emotional manipulation and abusive situations are only situations people who have experienced it can talk about. I don't think its fair for “healthy” people or people who have never experienced any form of abuse to be one's who decide what people who have through abuse should or shouldn't do. It's very unfair because its not your lived experience, instead of passing judgement channel that energy into providing avenues for survivors to get help.

Also people's life experiences can lead people into staying with their partner, could be financial situations, could be family situations, could even be emotional situations. Have you considered that maybe people who stay with their cheating partner, could have just worked it, i know crazy concept. Like for instance, Beyonce (i have never spoken to her nor have any proof, i am just some random girl on the Internet giving an opinion, take this with a grain of salt, for legal reasons) maybe she stayed with him because they love each other and had a lot at stake and that was literally her love of her life, he cheated but hio ni mambo ya wao, mambo ya watu wanalala kitanda moja haituhusu. I don't think it's fair to call her or any other artist a bird especially from a judgemental lense because we literally dont know them and besides lemonade was fire🤷🏽‍♀️

Anyway to make a very long story short, i feel like we should retire this bird conversation because its frankly getting really tired and lame, it is just another excuse to propagate misogyny. Some guy on tiktok was saying by us as women adopting this notion it now gives misogynistic men a reason to be more misogynistic because “i mean women are doing it”, “i am merely tagging along the joke”, “i am laughing with you guys” while in reality they are laughing AT us. Stay woke queens and tighten up, personally i never engage in any female slander even if she is wrong, my mouth is shut because i would rather be caught dead than making jokes about women with a man in the name of being on the same team.

I would also like to mention that in no way shape or form im i saying “bird behaviour” is acceptable. Because genuinely it gets to a point, that man who isn't shit should not have power over you diva. Notice how i placed the blame on the no good devil's spawn, that is exactly the kind of conversations i should be hearing. Not “omg she is so dumb for being with that abusive man” it should be “omg how can we help her leave that abusive man” and even if she doesn't want to leave him because that is stupid, we shut our mouths up because it is not any of our business. Ile siku she will wake up to the realisations that man isn't shit we will welcome her back and even if she doesn't want to wake up ni mtu mkubwa because what will we do.

In conclusion, lets love ourselves, stop the projection and judgement and lets just mind our business. Oh and remember the opp is the MAN not the WOMAN, even if a man cheats on his girlfriend and the side chick knew he had a girlfriend, remember the man is the one in the relationship, yes the babe is also at fault but remember THE MAN IS THE ONE IN THE RELATIONSHIPS. My point is redirect that accountability and support women, its lame girl behavior to hate on women because for me i know for a fact if i am ever in doubt i am going to ask 50 women first before i ask a man anything and even then, might ask 5 more women to be sure. Women will always have your back, will you have a woman's back though?

Tafakari hayo.

I have been sitting with this thought for a week now and i haven't really been able to put my thoughts into words, until now. Ever since I was a small girl I never understood the concept of if a girl has more than 1 partner she is considered “used” and if a man has more than 1 partner its okay. I think misogyny has always rubbed me the wrong way even before I ever knew or understood what that meant. I think i have always felt angry and felt like a lot of how things are, is very unfair especially for women. I remember asking my father this when i was like 13 this question and he told me boys and girls are different and rules for both genders are different and i remember arguing why that is the case because in my child mind I still felt like it was off. Now having grown up and knowing what I know and having lived the experience that i have, i think sex is a very complex topic for women especially african girls who were raised religious.

Today I went to a weeding and this was my very first time seeing the church part of the weeding because i only ever go for the reception part. And while i was in that church i felt like it was ragebait and a very big part of me was angry. This is such a juxtaposition because this is supposed to a happy occasion, i should have been beaming with joy for the bride and groom but i felt really really mad, not because of the wedding itself rather the institution of marriage. When i saw the bride in white, I saw what this white is supposed to represent, her “innocence”/”purity” and what it meant for her to be presented to her soon to be husband, like she is some prize for him. When her father was walking her down the isle, i saw it as she is being handed over from one man to another. When she was wearing her vail and her husband removing the vail, i saw it as him viewing his new possession. The vows, “for richer, for poorer” “in sickness and health” “for as long as they may live” i saw it as a contract in which she is legally bound to him. And again its more nuanced than this because to people getting married, this is their life partner and someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with and that's absolutely fine. But we cant help but ignore the politics behind an institution like marriage and the role religion plays in all this.

So in this essay, I want to look at what sex means for women and the wedding or rather the marriage introduction to this essay was more an object rather than the subject but it will relevant later in the essay. My subject of this essay is pleasure and why misogyny and internalised misogyny shapes our view in how we perceive sex as women.

I think a combination of things could be the reason why we as women have a very weird relationship with sex, 1 being the obvious, religion. Religion instills shame, shame in desire because there is morality behind desire. Lust, religion tells you lust is the devil's feeling and it should be rebuked entirely and if not to rebuke it, suppress it. Its a test from god, which you must pass and if you don't you have failed morally and failure leads to internalised shame. Because how dare i feel horny, god demands us to be “clean of thought”. Then you have misogynists, who are religious leaders enforcing, the shame and publicly ostracising women who act on “the devil's emotion” and are deemed as immortal or rather “sinful”. This shame also bleeds into how view your body because religion convinces you that exploring your own body is sinful, masterbation is immortal because there is some invincible eye watching you in the privacy of your own house, room. Even when you are alone there is still an invincible man policing your body.

The other reason is we as women are socialised to believe sex is not for us. It is less to do with you being a participate and more of the action of sex being done to you. I think the reason why this thought is so normalised is due to the desensitisation of sexual violence and it being consider apart of our daily life. Its basically a norm. And by sexual violence it doesn't even have to be actual rape, even the men on the street touching you unconsensually, men making sexual remarks on the street and even online and even the normalisation of casual sex jokes that are inappropriate. For us we don't really think of it as something we are particularly gaining from and a lot of women if asked would say sex is overrated and i also used to think this too.

The other major reason is your pleasure not being a priority when you are with your partner. Having a partner who is not interested in learning about what makes you happy or wanting to take the time to learn your body because this man doesn’t view you as a participate rather just a warm hole for his pleasure, can really affect how you view your body and your sexuality. Also having a partner who makes you feel gross after sleeping with them because he is a misogynist who hates women and shames women , including you can really go a long way into how you perceive sex.

Speaking from experience, having a partner who actually likes women and cares if you finish really goes a long way into how you view sex. As a former “sex is overrated” person, your libido is not low, the man you are with isn't hitting it right. And i think after being with this man (i don't see them anymore) my perception of sex has really changed and for me i don't really think sex is something that is tied to my value as a woman rather it is just a need, like how when you are hungry you just eat, there isn't more to it and i think more women should really change how they look at sex. The crazy part is some women live their whole lives without ever experiencing an orgasm and i am really holding space for them because you will never know the kind of joy one carries into the week after some chakra aligning sex, the kind that makes you want to tip your waiter 1k, the kind that makes coffee in the morning smell more nicer, cool breezy day and a sunny day that makes you feel like you have everything figured out in life .

To bring back home the point of marriage and it being a very weird concept to me, is the idea that you as a woman are this majestic prize for a man who has done nothing but just be born a man and now his entitled to your purity. And in order for you to prove your worth to this man you have to keep your virginity for him and in return what do you get, him and a “i am not like these other hos” trophy?? The fact that this man could have millions of bodies but he is entitled to you who is “pure” and has a right to shame other women for being “used” while he is literally community dih, makes 0 sense to me.

So now having all this in mind what is my role as a woman in all of this? Good question. First, i think have absolute love for ones self can really help you change how you view sex. By love i mean, by allowing yourself to view yourself as more than just a warm hole for some random man to ejaculate in can really go along way. By understanding your value is in more than just your looks and genitalia, and looking at sex as less as transactional can really change your perceptive. I promise you, you can have a 1 night stand or a casual fling without feeling so emotionally tied to it because you are more than what your body offers. Sometimes girls can also just want sex and that is okay. You are allowed to fuck. It is your body, you have complete autonomy on what you choose to do with it. (I am not saying go fuck around what i am saying even if you do want to its okay, safely and consensually ofc(; )

I think when we free ourselves from the guilt and shame of wanting, by wanting i mean, wanting in general, you are allowed to have a standard for what you want. The partner or the thing you want exists i promise you. If you are an undercover freak and your boyfriend is a 1 min man you are allowed to want more for yourself. If you want your partner who you love so much to try tie you up, tell them, who knows maybe they might be into it? The only way for you to know is if you ask. You are allowed to want more for yourself, you are allowed to ask for what you want. I always say what is meant for me will find me and the universe will work in my favor to align me with what i want and i think everyone should carry that with them. If your boyfriend is not at your freak meter, LEAVE HIM, the one who is exists. If you are asexual and feel like need to keep performing for this man, LEAVE your asexual king exists and his out there. The only way for you to know what you want is to try a little bit of everything or do a little introspection, maybe try goon today, you probably dont even know where your bean is and you are waiting for a man to touch you mind you the titanic remains have more likelihood of being found before men find the bean. All im saying is the cure to conservatism and shame of one's body is a little “slutty” behaviour. (Mind you this a word made by men to shame a bad bitch from shining)

Moral of the lesson, be a “ho” today 🤷🏽‍♀️