As a society, we function off of connection. A brief encounter at a party can introduce you to people who will eventually become an important part of your life, a stranger who compliments a feature you’ve never noticed about yourself before, or someone who offers an act of kindness that can change the course of your day. I’ve always loved my experiences where I may meet someone and have a quick but intimate moment. 

Often, I think about how a few years ago I was going to a party to introduce my friend to the rave scene and experience community, and it ended up with me finding mine. At this one particular rave under a bridge (where it’s now corporate), there was a rave I had heard about. My friend at the time was interested in attending, and that quickly became one of the best nights of my life.

We hopped the fence towards the early crowd and blaring sound and huddled in with the rest. Only knowing the DJ, My friend and I danced together while eyeing around the party. We agreed to mingle and to meet back after exploring. I wandered around aimlessly through the crowd as I was still somewhat new to the scene and even just getting comfortable with myself. 

I spoke to some kind strangers who made me laugh and feel like I was truly a part of their group that night. Starting the night as strangers and ending the night with being fed shots from a bottle and laughing together at the afters because the night just couldn’t be over yet. 

Those moments of having the ability to speak to a stranger first. Hoping for what Dr. John Gottman calls ‘A Bid for Connection.’ 

Dr. John Gottman coined the term and brought it to the modern-day relationship reader’s attention on what verbal or non-verbal attempt a person can make to engage with someone for attention, humor, or support in hopes of going deeper? 

For my birthday this year, I took a trip with some of my closest friends. Day one, I got to be greeted by a wonderful woman at a Parisian cafe near our Airbnb. She translated for my friend and I for an hour just to welcome us to the city and make us comfortable. Her kindness was within my first few hours of landing, and she made a place so foreign and big feel so much more intimate and full of possibilities. She replaced my fear with a need and general curiosity for what it means to be far away from home. 

It can be an exciting experience instead. Meeting locals who were willing to embrace my beginner French as I tried to learn how things worked and where to go. Traveling to London and experiencing a similar Paris introduction of being welcomed right off the train at a friendly fish and chips place. I brought up small talk with this lovely fish shop owner about how we were excited to explore London and sightsee. I’ll always be grateful for that lovely tour guide on how to get to all the great spots London has to offer and that takeout experience. Opening up even for a moment can have you meeting some really interesting and kind people.

During that very trip, my friends and I went pub hunting. In deep search of the best pub in Queensbridge. We stumbled on the cobblestone alleyway and through a dark green door. We had our first ciders and were determined to stay out and explore the city. 

This one particular pub is etched into my brain down to its green exterior and its once neon and now faded green door. Rummaging through the sea of people, we collected a high table with no stools in sight. I had to use the powder room and excused myself from my friends to find it alone. In their defense, my announcement was quick and my exit was appearing like an Irish exit. I did find the quaint pub room in the back with one stall and a small corridor with a singular sink. Standing in front of the stall was a woman in a striped sweater who had kind eyes that I’ll never forget.

She stared for a few seconds while I settled in and managed to make myself smaller to fit in the corner comfortably. Immediately, she smiled, followed by a quick “Hello.”

I said “Hello” back, and before you know it, we were deep in a conversation that felt like playing tennis because of the automatic responses I gave. It was as if there was a script we both knew without studying because of common polite conversation until there was improv on her part.

When she asked, “Are you enjoying your birthday trip?” and with glee I answered yes. It wasn’t a lie in the slightest, as I was the happiest I’ve ever been. It was simply a moment where I was content. She noticed it and made it her mission to point it out.

“Are you sure? Why don’t you try that again?”

“I’m having the time of my life, but I must admit birthdays always make me feel some kind of way. Especially now that I’m older. I’m okay though, really.”

Truth was, at the time I was more than okay. I was traveling overseas for my birthday with my chosen family. I never imagined it could happen to me, but once it was happening, it felt like constant imposter syndrome for being a visitor. Did I belong here? My life is so different than where I thought I would be at this age. It’s better.

I have the best chosen family that makes every special moment a memory I can hold onto. Every minute of pain felt, they’re present and ready to go weather whatever storm with me as I would them. The beauty of one stranger and the power they hold can make you remember to be present where you are in life and grateful for what you have. She reminded me of that, and whenever I ask now how someone is doing, I truly hear their response. Attentively present for said person’s response, even if it’s a stranger, because hearing someone’s bid for connection and meeting them where they are at is all we have as a society. All we have is community and the ability to put ourselves out there and help when necessary. Community isn’t just those you love and pour into and have pour into you, but the strangers waiting with you for the train, the people in line at the grocery store you mingle with, the person you chat with for a few seconds while getting drinks at a soda machine. 

Life can present you with a stranger next to you who could potentially be someone influential in some way in your life. You never know who you could meet and who you could grow to love. I think about how both platonic and romantic relationships all have a ‘meet cute.’ Sometimes one smile at a stranger is all it takes to break the ice. A great conversation that can be a quick window in your busy day can alter your life in some way. You have to be willing to put yourself in the position to be met. You are worth meeting.

With Love,

Angel

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This summer I fell in love for the first time. Not just with someone but with the women I am when I’m alone, the woman I aspire to be.

Often like real life this essay is based off real life. Living my life like a rom com character has its perks at times I’ll admit that but it’s best when I ground myself and sit alone. To fall in love with myself and who I am and present to the world. I forgave myself for my mistakes of the past and made the bed and laid in it.

I’ve always been the “lover girl” or “hopeless romantic” of my friends but the truth is far harder to swallow. I’m a girl who fell for empty promises, actionless plans, and bared my soul to my lovers over the years. This summer I fell in love however. I experienced what it was like to be truly loved romantically without exploitation or feeling like an experiment and being able to let my scars be visible and my heart open..

I cried for days growing up hoping to be told I was beautiful with the touch of my face and not the touch of jean buttons. Where I’m asked about my thoughts on marriage and children finally being “seen as worthy.’ The scars he kissed and the tears he wiped will always be a sweet kept memory. The laughter and moments where we can’t not hold hands or each other. When I wake up and think of the time we shared I no longer cry with anguish but love.

That connection we had will always be special and I’m grateful to have learned that lesson, but there was something I began to learn earlier this year that I frankly had to relearn. Loving yourself and going the distance with yourself first will never have you feeling defeated. (P.S Listening to Losing You by Solange during moments of early heartbreak is the best. It made me want to dance!)

This year has certainly taught me no matter how hard you want to hold onto something or someone it’ll still slip your fingers. It’s what you make out of that time that matters and how you reflect on it afterwards.

Recently, on “And Just Like That” in the current season a quote said by Ms. Carrie Bradshaw herself stuck out to me and rang in my ears.

“Some love stories aren’t epic novels. Some are short stories, but that doesn’t make them any less filled with love.”

I made up some rules for myself and tried my best to live up to the expectations I’ve set upon a man and instead challenged myself to see if I can fulfill myself on my own again and how to do so. Who Am I now after a first love? What do I like to do? Did I stay true to Who I am or loose myself too much that I forgot it’s best to focus on myself first?

I learned to take myself out again during this healing period. When to finally use that movie pass and see all the movies I desire at any point. Taking long walks with music and walking just a bit slower and taking in things so I take in where I’m at. There were a new hairstyle and color, and I’ve even started developing a new style. Dancing alone instead of with that attractive looking guy at the bar. Leaving the party a little bit early too on a solo night out so you can go home and just watch your comfort movies. There will still be moments of remembering and that’s normal but solo dating is a truly fun and humbling experience.

Step 1. Go out!

You’ll feel a bit awkward if you hate your own company or have anxiety about social settings. Just when you start small like lunch on your own outside, brunch at a restaurant, or maybe you go out too and go dancing solo too if that’s your thing.

There IS freedom in heartbreak when you realize looking at someone else is too painful that it prevents you from even thinking about inviting another person into your world and dating again. You start to focus on what you want. You always wanted to wear that one special dress with nowhere to wear it? Wear it to that solo lunch or plan. Order at home your favorite desserts and play your comfort films.

There’s fun in learning more about who you are when you’re alone and no one’s around. Don’t wait for your friends to go try that new food place or to hopefully come around to going to see that movie you’ve been aching to see. Go on your own. It might be a scary concept but what’s scarier and more upsetting knowing you can do things so they won’t pass you by. By being there for yourself in your life and making yourself feel special and whole without needing another. So next time you have an empty day I suggest you put whatever you desire and take yourself on that date. At least you know it won’t suck by the end of it.

Step 2. New Experience

Look it’s amazing being able to solo date going to restaurants but what is something you wanted to do but have always put off? What is something you’ve been ambitious about since your childhood? What about that language you’ve always wanted to start learning or the dance class your friend is throwing?

Life presents us with new experiences and opportunities to grow in ways we couldn’t fathom. There is chance for growth at the expense of shedding who you once were and becoming comfortable and feeling stable with the uncomfortable changes that are imminent. I started going out again by walking my favorite solo walking places and even decided to further my education. Went and tried new places and spent time with friends who held me up when all I could do was fall. This essay may be about solo dating and finding a personal love for it but you will always get nowhere without community.

Step 3. Are you Happy?

Whatever you are doing right now in life, does it make you happy? Does it “Bring you Joy?” As Marie Kondo likes to say. Life is full of paths to take and sometimes we choose the safe path because we’re afraid of straying far from the norm or becoming unstable with this economy. The ability to look at your life that you made based off the many choices you made, can you honestly say you’re happy?

I’ve realized over the years that being happy was more than being loved by “the right guy” and understanding the game of dating. Love will exist whether we like it or not and it probably will most likely hit you whenever you least expect it. Just before you commit to someone or if you recently got out of commitment just sit and ask yourself.

Life isn’t promised, neither is good health, your friends, your community, your life is what you make of it and if you dont love yourself first then you will never learn to love others fairly to you and fairly for them as well. Take yourself out, compliment yourself when you see yourself in the mirror, love your alone time and not sit in shame with it. Embrace being alone and learn how to best love yourself so when the time is right you can teach someone the things that you know and love about yourself. So, focus on you and the fun things about dating on your own until one day someone will see your world and want to be a part of it. You are allowed to change and change every day and do whatever it takes to find yourself again and you deserve to love yourself the right way.

With Love,

Angel

Recently, one of my favorite movies, “How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days’ popped up on a streaming service I was scrolling through. The number of times I’ve rewatched and fallen in love with the story is countless at this point, but something clicked with this recent watch. In the film, she focuses on the romantic life aspect instead of how massive the article could’ve been. What if we chose to get over ourselves and the things that hold us back… When we shed self-doubt and regret and step into ourselves. The main character underwent a significant transformation in just 10 days, primarily due to falling in love and her desire to pursue a career in more serious journalism. There is a story to me as well. Spoiler alert, but she quits at the end because she realizes that if she can’t ever do what truly will make her happy, then what’s the point? Why stay? Even after all her effort.

We’ve all had moments where we look back at past decisions and wince, feeling embarrassed or disappointed in what we experienced, whether it happened to us or we were the cause. The horrible truth is that sometimes it doesn’t matter, and awful things will happen to you, no matter how much you try to “do the right thing” or make the perfect choices. We’re human, and making mistakes is definite and imminent. Sometimes, life presents challenges that make things more complicated, and occasionally, too, things improve when you least expect it. That’s the thing with life. There’s no control over it, and no guilty pleasure, currency, or vice in the world can have you escape from the things that will soon come to define you both the good and bad. There is so much good in this world if you go out and put yourself out there to find it. This is when you really get over yourself and get back to what you want!

There’s a line from one of my favorite songs by Ethel Cain from “Sun Bleached Flies” that repeats in my head sporadically.

“If it’s meant to Be then It Will Be…”

When I first heard the song and listened to the lyrics I was faced with nausea and a sickening gut feeling. No matter what I do to be the best person I can be in life that bad things can still happen to me. To anyone of us. It’s not always some karmic punishment and sometimes we face things for personal growth opportunities and a chance to move forward differently. How? Well that’s completely up to you.

It soon hit me immediately after breaking the replay button that it doesn’t have to be bad things are going to for sure happen. What about the good things in life? Why not just expect the other shoe to drop to just be more exciting news. That when you’re going through something and unsure or feeling stuck that you can just think to yourself. “If it’s meant to be then it will be.” and the next line is just as important.

“I forgive it all as it comes back to me.”

- “Sun Bleached Flies” on Preachers Daughter (2022)

(full album experience, trust me)

Forgive yourself for the unseen consequences and free yourself from the guilt of being afraid of going after what you want and do it. Do it freely and do it while you can. Getting overself first starts with accepting that you did your best and that you can choose happiness if you choose to let it into your life even when it feels frightening or challenging.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting… In life!

There’s a movie from 2012 named after this motto, and I think it’s pretty self-explanatory and universal in its application to life. So, I’ll share how I feel it applies to me. In the book and film adaption of it, you learn that there are some rules you can use to prepare for the unpredictable and guidelines to follow to have a “clear path to success.” You know, go to school from pre-k to eventually graduate high school. Additionally, could even have been asked to pursue a family business or career that previous generations have accepted for them, attend college for higher education in pursuit of a degree to hopefully get their dream career, and so on.

The hidden truth is that there will be challenges and bumps down any road, and it will never be straight and narrow. The most interesting and exciting thing about life is that we don't have to view them as bad things when they can be the very things that save us! Stop expecting your life to follow a single direction because you were conditioned to believe it had to when you can get over yourself and the fear and do it anyway. Do it scared, Do it terrified, Do it while you fight tears, but just do what you want, no matter how frightening it is to step out of your comfort zone. That zone of interest and comfort can be bigger, and you can grow as a person while your dreams follow if you stay on the path to success by whatever that means to you. Overcome the fear holding you back and envision what you want out of life for yourself.

The Truth

If I’m expecting you to be vulnerable with yourself while reading this and to face your own life, then it’s only fair that I be candid as well.

My life was determined for me to be someone I wasn’t, and I swallowed moments of possible joy that I could’ve experienced in fear of shame or judgment, even from those closest. It wasn’t until I woke up one day that I decided that your life is your chance to do whatever you desire, and a part of that is accepting your truth. I moved from home to transition and found community, love, family, and myself through the years since being on my own. This year, life has broken and rebuilt me, and through that, I learned that even our mistakes and decisions define us too, but we have to be willing to accept that just as much as the good in our lives. Get over the fear that because good things are happening to you, finally, you might not deserve it, or you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Accept that maybe sometimes good things happen, and they stay, too.

When we go through a break, whether it be friendship or romantic, lose our job or quit it, go through mental health struggles, financial troubles, health scares, and the other factors of life. Sit and realize that you can save yourself. Your health can change one day, and suddenly, you start thinking about that trail you’ve been wanting to hike. Or you get back to yourself from depression and have a realization that sitting around you while you struggle are friends or family there putting a blanket on you and making sure you’ve eaten. The world isn’t over. That breakup didn’t destroy your love, and the next one might be one you never thought possible. You’ll make new friends, and some of them might become old friends, not always by design. However, don’t forget to move with purpose and show up. Times are hard, and when you need a hand, don’t forget those who gave you theirs. Show up even when it’s hard, and that also means for yourself. You want more for your partner, parent, or your closest friend, so why not you? You deserve that solo trip, that self-care day, and giving love to your partner or friend, too. Get that haircut you've saved on your phone but are too afraid to get, shop at a different clothing store than your go to, and do whatever will help you grow. Stop thinking it’ll never happen, and save yourself from the what-ifs. Follow what you want because life will throw curveballs anyway, so why not join the pursuit of happiness and accept that those who truly live and don’t hold themselves back will live every day.

Resist the urgency to follow the norm and become greater than the fear that shouts at you. Shout louder!

Because there will be a day when you sit back and wish you had done things differently, but didn’t because you didn’t believe you could.

Accept the happiness that you don’t know is already gifted to you, but you have to be patient and grow to receive it.

The day that everyone knows and sneaks up on us. It’s the day filled with love every where and people walking with flowers and gifts. I mean it’s certainly marketed as a couples holiday but truly the best Valentine’s Day is with those closest to you during your highs and lows.

When i was a kid there was a tradition I started where I watched “Valentine’s Day” every February 14th. Young 12 year old me started a tradition 25 year old me still gets excited for and celebrates. Staying loyal to the things that made me and the things that I should hold onto in my life.

I think because there’s no added pressure of romance or fulfillment in a certain way with partner instead you can just co exist together. Sit and watch films from your favorites list and even some new watches too.

Walking today in the city I saw so many flowers it reminded me of summer again. When you romanticize everything in your life simple walks become like straight out of a movie. Taking in every color and different types that lined the streets of the city.

Trust me, i’ve thought that It’s another year where I’m single on this holiday and normally would dread it but today I have simply existed and walked with love today. Having love for myself and love for those around me as well. When this day nears there’s a sense of almost shame many companies use in their marketing usually on v-day. The truth is the best kind of advertising is towards love in its purest form no matter if it’s romantic, platonic, or even familial. It’s important today you do best time you can to not just love someone else but yourself as well. If you’re happy and in any relationship that is a strong bond then don’t forget yourself and your needs. There’s power in self love and staying true to yourself even if that means choosing yourself every single time.

Today is what you make of it! Don’t recount memories that might bring up feelings of pain. Try to be where you are in the moment and love yourself without punishment.

You deserve to have a fun time in whatever form that means to you. Self love and take yourself out on that date! Go on that date with your Significant Other or friend. Have a good time and spread some love today. Happy Galentine’s and Happy Valentine’s Day.

Sister, Sister

Sisters come in many different ways from blood to a simple meet cute with a stranger. We explore the dynamics of sisterhood frequently whether through music, film, other means of art etc. Depicting the bond as tough and hard to break. Music like “Birds of a Feather” trending due to viral tik toks about love and strength in said bond. Or television and films from “Sister, Sister, “Waiting to Exhale,” “In her shoes” or even more recently the broadway movie adaptation “Wicked’ about the retelling of a classic story acknowledging the complicated pairing of two polar opposites.

Now, I have two blood sisters and one I grew up with in particular and I’ll keep her anonymity for now. So I’m giving her the name Naomi. Naomi is two and a half years older than I am, and as the younger sister who’s now grown up that two and a half years older was way more important when i was younger and I remind myself and her sometimes. All i wanted was to be as cool as Naomi and to be seen as equal, hence the age thing but older sisters will never let you live the younger thing down. When you grow up with a sister let alone an older one there’s-immediately a built-in friend (sometimes enemy but that’s just siblings.)

I like to think I picked up a few things from her from how to sneak out when we were underage to how to handle relationships in life.

While it’s not always good times and laughs they most importantly lift you like no other! Every girl has to have some girl in her life she can call and be there for her and vice versa. Who else do you hug the bouncer with or make Mac n cheese with late night after a long night out?!

There’s a film that came out in 2004 titled “In Her Shoes” starring Toni Collette and Cameron Diaz about two sisters with a dysfunctional relationship that they’re clinging onto in their 30s. It was eye-opening watching a film about a love story, not about two people falling in love romantically but two siblings growing on their own and learning how to love each other better and in a more proactive way. There’s betrayal and vile remarks thrown at each other in the film and then a few scenes later they’re laughing. It was the most accurate sisterhood portrayal I’ve seen of older sisters making the effort to stay in each other's lives.

Another film that comes to mind is Sean Baker’s debut film “Tangerine” from 2015 starring two trans girls on an adventure in downtown LA. Causing chaos and taking up space together and unapologetically themselves in every space. There’s a part where Sindee stops her entire mission in the film to go and support her friend’s singing performance. Alexandra from the beginning to now, is performing for herself. Sindee is there and present plus dragged along someone with her but she stares in awe as Alexandra performs her set to no one but the empty room and Sindee (and companion.) Almost the whole run time is just the two girls whose bond is shown to be built through survival and chosen family. Learning that who you love and who loves you is more important than blood. Trust me as someone estranged from family I'd say the chosen family must be seen as just as crucial.

If posting means asking the reader to be vulnerable and find out how this sub stack might correlate in their lives then I’m pleased. It’s because I know I’m not the perfect sister but what I do know is that boys come and go but your girls/sisters are forever. There’s lessons over the years of my adult life I’ve learned and grown from and every step along the way was my sisters.

Whenever you feel awful and need help coming back to the world, they are there to get you right and ready and you can count on them to come in full swing. There’s a sense of community and belonging that can grow and evolve on such a deeper emotional connection. There’s always room to grow as people but I think sisters help you grow into your most valued and loved self. Bonding through a special experience(s) in which you recount so many times with glee, share secrets, and overall your favorite retellings that you know will make you scream with laughter.

The love you expect from a partner will never match the love of a sister who truly loves you and sees you for not just who you are but your potential to grow. Learning to head into conflict with love in hopes of coming to a resolution. As a younger sister who has somewhat gotten less and less close due to her starting her own family, I think it’s important to slow down. Enjoy those moments together where you get to be your best and lowest self with them.

One day they’re here and the next you never know. Do nothing together, Do everything together, Do things for the plot together, Say sorry while you can, Go out and spend time together, Go shop together, don’t take everything so seriously, and live life together.

I don’t know where i’d be without them in my life.

Signing Off,

Angel

Do it for the plot!

Like many girls, I have an obsession with the romantic genre, especially romantic comedies. I’ll discuss that later. Not for the reason you may think.. Hear me out.

Over the years we’ve seen many characters such as Jenna Rink in “13 Going on 30” and Queen Latifah in The Last Holiday or Kate Hudson In How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

My idea is that these films provide …. well whatever you want them to. Whether you’re a hopeless romantic or just a sucker for a usually well made comfort film that’s just people finding each other. With every film from then there seems to be this inescapable feeling where the main heroine finds herself doing things out of the ordinary or put into an out of the ordinary experience for herself in some way. In a few ways, some might see them as a comfort and relaxing escape as I do. You know from watching from a young age of being taught the rules of love and relationships it’s interesting now living it. Who can forget the iconic shows showing us the many crazy moments some of our favorite characters did that was so raw and human. Shows back then such as Girlfriends, Sex and the city, and even an underrated classic lipstick jungle. If you know you know.

Each show giving every viewer the mindset filled you too can have any life you desire.

Of course life isn’t a show nor is it a fairy tale. It can and will be dull sometimes (if you let it be) and painful (inevitable) as we all know.

It can be draining and it's self-explanatory about the rest. Why not live life a certain way and make it more fun though even for a bit? As the girls say “Do it for the Plot!”

Of course, doing it for the plot will have you doing many random frivolous adventures. Creating nothing but crazy and unbelievable as well as unrepeatable memories on vacation. One moment you’re at a random rave on a road trip dancing to your friends set and then next you’re in an uber on a road trip with a charming person you just met that night but you’re “doing it for the plot!” It was a crazy trip and my girls and I wanted to let loose! Sue me! I think as a girl in her twenties i owe it to myself to step outside the box.

Let’s just say that yes I had a fun time partying and honestly the rave was everything I needed it to be. I would do it all again! I’m not here to be messy, just honest. As readers you deserve some openness from me and especially if i’m endorsing a mantra. I’d say the most real fun wasn’t the crazy parties and romance.

The real fun was walking through the streets at 3 am on the way to meet my girls at 7/11 after. (Hi Girls) They had a big gulp and food waiting for me as I recapped the entire endeavor up to me in front of them. Truth be told it was fun but at one point during the afters i was at, I was sitting there and one moment just sat up and left. I was hungry. What’s a girl to do? Starve? No.

Anyways, I’d have to say my mindset for me was changing and it was getting reckless, which was fun! until it wasn’t.

Doing it for the plot is the most dangerous thing a girl could say to herself repeatedly. Want to curse that boy out? Do it! Want to block that toxic friend? It's your phone bill! You don’t want that negative mindset and want to feel more confident? Girl fake it til you become it. I’m not here to give you some moving and growing up advice. To be frank I’m here to be honest and sometimes we aren’t always perfect and we’re going to make mistakes. However, make that mistake and you might face that consequence or regret it later on. Just ask yourself before you do it for the plot...

“Is it Worth It”

Learn to love yourself before throwing caution to the wind and putting yourself out there. The truth is the real fun and memorable dates are the ones with your friend where you two forget about the stress of life and bond. Running to the deli late at night with the munchies or walking through a gorgeous new town and admiring the new places and possibilities of life together. We are conditioned to want a future with someone romantically and we can but dating yourself and your friends will show you the standard you deserve. Do it for the plot and put yourself out there! Might meet the one or learn more about what you like or what you hate.

If you take anything away from this my advice would be if you desire a change or simply just want some fun right now, try it and you’ll see for yourself...

Time to face your sins of your youth. The streets where you walked home, passing by the library where you and your friends seeked comfort and quiet laughs in the back. Was it ever home if you always seeked somewhere else for comfort?

Sitting in discomfort on your way to where you’re from and immediately feel the guilt of the person who died for you to become who you were meant to be. Like an old friend seeing you and choosing to sit next to you.

One day you choose to come back to where it all began. Where you sit in the car in the back seat and suddenly you’re a child again. The houses once being built now have been well lived in. Shops where you scrapped dollars together with your friends and the streets you all ran through are now fixed and no longer broken.

You have new friends, new old memories to remember and look back upon. This life almost doesn’t feel like yours. It feels like a shell or as if there’s a background character you followed idly by for years silently rooting for. Viewing your life pass you by.

You will never forget the choir of thoughts echoing about what if you had the chance to live that dream life? what if that girl you hoped would come and save you wasn’t real? What if no one was coming to save you? When you scream and cry into the void and hear nothing back.

You must do your own healing and bandage the wounds that caused you to bleed every thought and every painful feeling of hopelessness.

You must decide on what if you had to take the scariest leap that transcended generations of your ancestors? What if you decided to stop acting in everyone’s play and decided to walk off stage? The cycle of life and death is something promised but you can also make a promise of your own. To live for yourself because if you don’t live as you are then you are already truly dead. For the land of the living is for those who must love unconditionally and with the risk of pain. You will break and rebuild again and again. To fight so much and defend yourself you decided that the world hates you before you let the world love you. You are deserving of love. Even if you were told or felt otherwise. You are deserving of happiness. One day you will never go back to where you considered home.

You will rush to your life and reach and hold your true self. One day you will wake up and be excited to live and to experience all the small things again for the first time. You get a chance in life or if you’re lucky a second chance to jump. Jump because one day years go by and you are no one’s keeper but your own. Don’t rob yourself of good experiences and the love already on its way to you. There’s pain in going back home with the graveyard of memories.

However, Fear is your greatest challenge but the pain of regret is too big to swallow. It’s terrifying taking that leap of faith no matter what it is. High risk can equal a high reward. Don’t let the days go by and not jump and and take a leap of faith.

I wish i had done it sooner.

what if change happened one day?

The days of wondering what life would be like to wake up slowly and calmly. What is it like to wander aimlessly in the morning with coffee without fearing stabbing your feet. What if one day your heart no longer break through your ribs and your minds intrusive thoughts might disappear… the painful echoes through the house now are blissful and silly laughs. It’s safe. You’re safe.

The grief of your past self is loud and haunts your every thought. Don’t forget to not disparage the sacrifices it took for you to get to where you are. You may lose a family member and gain a new one in a few friends. You may cry tears that will burn your face and they will help wipe them as you exhale for air.

Might even experience loss from people you thought would be in your life forever until one day that day comes a lot sooner than you realize. One day you are going to remember the relationships you thought would last a lifetime in a quick memory while running errands. We all will build new families and you eventually choose who you love and let love you.

Those holiday traditions get replaced by new ones and those plans of life and what you thought it would look like are thrown out the window. Something about my 20’s and the thousands of deaths within myself i’ve experienced has made me just more grateful and inspired to make the best of everything. The perfect life you want is most likely right in front of you. will you go after it?

all because you took that one step. that one leap.

my leap.

xoxo

what will your leap be

?