Here are the ten strategies:1

1. Know What You Want (read here)

2. Keep Your Cool (read here)

3. See it From Their Side

4. Ask Yourself if They’re Right

5. Deal Effectively With Online Rage

6. Look for Hidden Anger

7. Reach the Silent Ones

8. Attack the Problem, Not the Person

9. Know When to Walk Away

10. Put it All Together

Today is the last day to claim your free 30-day pass. I’ve been offering this through the end of August so you can check out the How to Deal with Angry People series and explore the full Emotion Hacks archive.

How to Deal with Angry People Preview

Each week, I discuss one more fully. This week, we’re going to cover…

Number 3: See it From Their Side

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Last week, I did a couple of talks for the Wisconsin Municipal Clerks Association: one on Emotion Hacks and one on Dealing with Angry People.

Municipal clerks deal with a lot of angry people. They hear complaints, enforce rules people don’t always like, navigate contentious meetings, and sometimes find themselves on the receiving end of frustration that has very little to do with them. So a talk about dealing with angry people made obvious sense.

But something interesting came up over the course of the two talks.

Dealing effectively with someone else’s anger usually starts with managing your own emotions. Here’s why:

Disagreement is conflict. And conflict can be scary. Not just because someone might raise their voice or say something hurtful. Conflict is scary because there might be something bigger at stake.

If you really engage meaningfully in a disagreement, you might learn that you’re wrong about something, which can change the way you see yourself. You might learn something about another person that changes the way you see them. Or the disagreement itself might change the relationship, creating distance where there wasn’t any before.

Consequently, we enter disagreements at least a little bit scared, and that anxiety impacts how we engage. We might get defensive, avoid the conversation altogether, give in too quickly, or focus so much on protecting ourselves that we stop listening. In other words, how we manage our own emotions can determine how well we manage the conflict.

And all this leads into this month’s Emotion Hack of the Month.

What’s Coming Up

First, though, a couple of things I’m excited about right now, including an upcoming, free, virtual and in person event and a series I’ve been working my way through:

• Productive Disagreement: How to Engage and When to Walk Away (a conversation with Dr. Jennie Young of Burned Haystack). September 8, 6:30pm (rsvp here)

• How to Deal with Angry People: My 10-part series breaking down practical strategies for dealing with the angry people in your life (start here). I’m also offering a free 30-day paid subscription so you can follow the entire series and explore the rest of my subscriber-only work (get the free trial here).

Emotion Hack of the Month: Ask What You’re Protecting

Imagine your partner tells you that you’ve been distracted lately. You’ve been checking your phone during dinner, half-listening when they’re talking, and spending more time thinking about work than being present at home.

And they’re right.

Still, you feel yourself getting defensive. You’ve been busy. Work has been stressful. You’re doing the best you can. You start thinking about all the things you do contribute to the relationship and maybe even some ways they haven’t been especially present either.

Before you start making that case, though, ask yourself: What am I trying to protect right now?

Maybe it’s your sense that you’re a good and attentive partner. Their criticism threatens that a little bit, and defending yourself is a way to make that uncomfortable feeling go away. But recognizing what you’re protecting gives you another option. Instead of trying to prove that their criticism is wrong, you can tolerate the discomfort long enough to consider that they might be right.

So, the next time you feel yourself getting defensive during a disagreement, ask: What feels at risk here?

In Case You Missed It

Some of what I’ve written and recorded recently.

• Making Room for Anger: A Conversation with Stacy Wentworth

• People are exercising away their grief. What does the science say? CNN Health

• Know what you want. Part 1 of my series on How to Deal with Angry People

Help Us Grow

If today’s newsletter was useful, I’d love your help getting it in front of more people. Forward it to a friend, share it on social media, or pass it along to someone who might need it right now. Every little bit helps this community grow and gives more people access to tools for managing their emotions.

Share Emotion Hacks from the Anger Professor

Thank you for reading, sharing, and being part of this work.

Sincerely,

Ryan
The Anger Professor

Dr. Ryan Martin is a psychologist, university dean, and author of three books - including the recent Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast and the international bestseller, Why We Get Mad. Known online as the Anger Professor, he helps people understand how emotions work and what to do with them. His TED Talk, Why We Get Mad, has been watched more than 3.5 million times.

Also, check out my new series, How to Deal with Angry People, now. Learn ten strategies for effectively navigating some else’s anger in a way that protects your relationships and your boundaries.

Subscribe now

Read more

Here are the ten strategies:1

1. Know What You Want (read here)

2. Keep Your Cool

3. See it From Their Side

4. Ask Yourself if They’re Right

5. Deal Effectively With Online Rage

6. Look for Hidden Anger

7. Reach the Silent Ones

8. Attack the Problem, Not the Person

9. Know When to Walk Away

10. Put it All Together

I’m offering a free 30-day pass through the end of August so you can check out the How to Deal with Angry People series and explore the full Emotion Hacks archive.

How to Deal with Angry People Preview

Each week, I write about one in more detail. This week, we’re moving on to…

Number 2: Keep Your Cool

Read more

I’m offering a free 30-day pass through the end of August so you can check out my latest series, How to Deal with Angry People. With this pass, you’ll be able to explore the full Emotion Hacks archive.

How to Deal with Angry People Preview

Here are three takeaways:

Read more

Here are the ten strategies:1

1. Know What You Want

2. Keep Your Cool

3. See it From Their Side

4. Ask Yourself if They’re Right

5. Deal Effectively With Online Rage

6. Look for Hidden Anger

7. Reach the Silent Ones

8. Attack the Problem, Not the Person

9. Know When to Walk Away

10. Put it All Together

I’m offering a free 30-day pass through the end of August so you can check out the How to Deal with Angry People series and explore the full Emotion Hacks archive.

How to Deal with Angry People Preview

Each week, I discuss one in more detail. Today, we’re starting with…

Number 1: Know what you want

Read more

If you were at my presentation, thanks for being there. I wanted to put together a short companion piece that gives you something to come back to after the talk.

The main idea is pretty simple: there are lots of different places where we can intervene in our emotional lives. We can change what we’re paying attention to, how we’re thinking about something, what we do with the feelings we’re having, or even the situations we put ourselves in.

That matters because emotional wellness isn’t about finding the one perfect strategy that works every time. It’s about building a collection of tools (or hacks) and getting better at knowing which one might help in a particular moment.

Below are ten of the strategies we talked about, followed by the 20 Minute Fix that brings several of them together, and finally some resources and references you take with you.

If you found my talk useful and want more, I’m offering a free 30-day paid subscription to my substack. You’ll get full access to my writing on anger and emotional wellness, practical strategies, deeper dives into the research, and subscriber-only content.

This includes:

• 4 to 8 subscriber-only articles each month

• Practical strategies, research breakdowns, and tools you can use immediately

• Opportunities to ask questions and help shape future content

WMCA Attendee Free Trial

The Ten Strategies from Today

1. Use healthy distraction

Sometimes the best thing you can do is give yourself a break from what you’re feeling. Healthy distraction can be especially useful when emotions are intense and there’s nothing productive you can do about the situation right now. Take a walk, watch something funny, listen to music, or do something else that temporarily shifts your attention.

2. Harness your imagination

We can make ourselves angry, anxious, or sad just by imagining something or replaying an old experience. But that same process can work in the other direction. Intentionally imagining something peaceful, funny, exciting, or meaningful can help shift how you feel.

3. Engage with the arts

Research suggests that participating in the arts can increase happiness and self esteem while decreasing loneliness. And active participation seems to be especially helpful. Draw, paint, sing, dance, write, play music, or make something, even if you don’t think you’re particularly good at it.

4. Spend time in nature

Even a relatively short amount of time in nature can help reduce anxiety and rumination while improving mood and clear thinking. You don’t need to plan a major outdoor adventure. Go for a walk, find some green space, watch birds, or simply spend a little time paying attention to the natural world around you.

5. Watch the self directed “shoulds”

A lot of our anger toward ourselves comes from internalized expectations: I should have done better. I shouldn’t have made that mistake. I should be further along. When you notice yourself getting frustrated with yourself, identify the “should” underneath it and ask whether that expectation is actually reasonable.

6. Avoid labeling

Calling someone an idiot, jerk, narcissist, or any other inflammatory label doesn’t just describe how you feel about them. It can change the way you think about everything they do. Try describing the specific behavior that’s bothering you instead of turning that behavior into a definition of the entire person.

7. Have a mantra

A short phrase can give your mind somewhere to go when you’re caught in worry, anger, or rumination. Something as simple as I can handle this, slow down, or focus on what I can control can interrupt the mental loop. Choose something meaningful to you and practice using it when you need it.

8. Embrace emotional discomfort

Trying to escape every uncomfortable emotion can teach us that those emotions are dangerous or intolerable. Instead, practice allowing yourself to experience small, manageable amounts of fear, sadness, anger, embarrassment, or frustration. Over time, you learn an important lesson: I can feel this and still be okay.

9. Solve the problem

Sometimes strong emotions are telling you that something actually needs to change. Instead of repeatedly managing the emotion, identify the problem, focus on what you can control, and take one concrete step toward addressing it. Action can replace rumination with a greater sense of control.

10. Seek social support

Other people can be one of our most powerful resources when we’re struggling. Build relationships before you need them, stay connected regularly, and make sure you’re also there for other people. Emotional wellness isn’t something we always have to do alone.

Finally, the 20 Minute Fix

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, give yourself about 20 minutes before deciding what to do next. Start by taking a couple of minutes to center yourself with deep breathing, grounding, or a mantra. Then create some distance from the emotion for 10 to 15 minutes by taking a walk, drawing, spending time with a pet, or using another healthy distraction. Once the intensity has come down, act: solve the problem, communicate assertively, or reach out to someone for support. The goal isn’t to make the emotion disappear. It’s to get yourself into a better place to decide what to do with it.

Resources and References

• Slide Deck From the Talk (here)

• Follow me on Social Media (here)

• Berman, M. G., Daily, G. C., Levy, B. J., & Gross, J. J. (2015). The benefits of nature experience: Improved affect and cognition. Landscape and Urban Planning, 138, 41–50.

• Cohen, S., & Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin, 98(2), 310–357.

• Foster, P. S., Smith, E. W. L., & Webster, D. G. (1999). The psychophysiological differentiation of actual, imagined and recollected anger. Imagination, Cognition and Personality, 18(3), 189–203.

• Martin, R. C. (2025). The Anger Project [Unpublished raw dataset]. University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, Green Bay.

• Martin, R. C., & Dahlen, E. R. (2007). The Angry Cognitions Scale: A new inventory for assessing cognitions in anger. Journal of Rational-Emotive and Cognitive Behavior Therapy, 25, 155–173.

• Pesata, V., Colverson, A., Sonke, J., Morgan-Daniel, J., Schaefer, N., Sams, K., Carrion, F. M.-E., & Hanson, S. (2022). Engaging the arts for wellbeing in the United States of America: A scoping review. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 791773.

• Peterson, M. N., Larson, L. R., Hipp, A., et al. (2024). Birdwatching linked to increased psychological well-being on college campuses: A pilot-scale experimental study. Journal of Environmental Psychology, 96, 102306.

• Berkovich-Ohana, A., Wilf, M., Kahana, R., Arieli, A., & Malach, R. (2015). Repetitive speech elicits widespread deactivation in the human cortex: The “mantra” effect? Brain and Behavior, 5(7), e00346.

• Van Bockstaele, B., Atticciati, L., Hiekkaranta, A. P., Larsen, H., & Verschuere, B. (2020). Choose change: Situation modification, distraction and reappraisal in mild versus intense negative situations. Motivation and Emotion, 44(4), 583–596.

About Dr. Ryan Martin

Dr. Ryan Martin is a psychologist, university dean, and author of three books - including the recent Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast and the international bestseller, Why We Get Mad. Known online as the Anger Professor, he helps people understand how emotions work and what to do with them. His TED Talk, Why We Get Mad, has been watched more than 3.5 million times.

If you were at my presentation, thanks for being there. I wanted to put together a short companion piece that gives you something to come back to after the talk.

Dealing effectively with angry people doesn’t mean avoiding conflict, giving people what they want, or tolerating bad behavior. It means understanding what’s happening well enough to make intentional choices about how you respond. Sometimes that means listening and empathizing, sometimes it means solving a problem or admitting you were wrong, and sometimes it means setting a boundary and walking away. The goal isn’t to “win” every angry interaction. It’s to handle it in a way that gets you closer to the outcome you actually want.

If you found my talk useful and want more, I’m offering a free 30-day paid subscription to my substack. You’ll get full access to my writing on anger and emotional wellness, practical strategies, deeper dives into the research, and subscriber-only content.

This includes:

• 4 to 8 subscriber-only articles each month

• Practical strategies, research breakdowns, and tools you can use immediately

• Opportunities to ask questions and help shape future content

WMCA Attendee Free Trial

Understanding Angry People

Before thinking about what to do with an angry person, it helps to understand where their anger might be coming from.

Some people experience anger more frequently and intensely than others. Biology plays a role, but so do our emotional upbringings, the behaviors we see modeled around us, and the rules we learn about when and how anger should be expressed. Anger can also be contagious: spending time around angry people, angry groups, or angry online spaces can influence our own emotions and behavior.

Finally, angry people often see situations differently. High expectations of other people, all or nothing thinking, and a tendency to see negative events as disastrous can all contribute to anger. Understanding these influences doesn’t mean excusing someone’s behavior. It gives us more information about what might be happening and, hopefully, more options for responding effectively.

Some Basic Principles

If your goal is to de-escalate an angry interaction, start by avoiding things that are likely to escalate it. Listen, give the person room to talk, use small signals that show you’re paying attention, empathize where you can, and look for opportunities to solve the problem together. Matching their angry tone, telling them to “relax,” dismissing their feelings, or getting snippy usually moves you in the opposite direction.

1. Know What You Want

Before you respond to someone’s anger, ask yourself what outcome you actually want. Anger can pull us toward winning, proving someone wrong, or getting even, but those impulses may have very little to do with our real goal. Pause long enough to identify what you want and choose the response most likely to get you there.

2. Keep Your Cool

Someone else’s anger can very quickly become your anger. Slowing yourself down helps you think more clearly, gives you more choices, and makes it less likely that you’ll escalate the interaction. Staying calm can also help the other person calm down rather than giving them more anger to react to.

3. See It From Their Side

Try to understand the situation from the other person’s perspective. What happened? How did they interpret it? What were they feeling before the interaction even started? You don’t have to agree with their interpretation, but understanding how they got to anger can build empathy and help you figure out where you might be able to intervene.

4. Ask Yourself if They’re Right

Sometimes people are angry with us because we actually did something wrong. Ask yourself honestly whether their anger is justified and whether there’s something you need to acknowledge, apologize for, or make right. Remember, though, that what someone feels and what someone does are two different things: you can validate legitimate anger without accepting abusive or inappropriate behavior.

5. Deal Effectively With Online Rage

The internet creates conditions that make angry behavior particularly easy: anonymity, impulsivity, rewards for outrage, and plenty of bad behavior to model. Before responding, wait. Consider taking the conversation offline, have someone else read your response before you send it, and most importantly, return to Strategy 1: What are you actually hoping to accomplish by responding?

6. Look for Hidden Anger

Anger doesn’t always look like yelling, swearing, or obvious aggression. Some people cry, pout, withdraw, become sarcastic, or express their frustration quietly and assertively. If you only recognize anger when it’s loud, you may miss important opportunities to understand what someone is actually feeling.

7. Reach the Silent Ones

Sometimes anger shows up as silence or a refusal to communicate. Instead of simply pushing the person to talk, think about what might be driving the withdrawal: embarrassment, hurt, sadness, or discomfort with conflict. Addressing that underlying issue may make communication easier, while also recognizing that there are times when you have to stop pushing and give someone space.

8. Attack the Problem, Not the Person

Keep the conflict focused on the thing you’re actually trying to resolve. Character attacks like “you’re selfish” or even broader accusations like “you always do this” shift the argument away from the original problem and toward defending identities and reputations. Describe the specific behavior or issue and work on that instead.

9. Know When to Walk Away

Not every angry interaction needs to be resolved. Sometimes the healthiest and most productive choice is to disengage, particularly when you no longer feel safe, the interaction is consistently harmful to you, or there is simply no resolution coming. Walking away from a stranger is different from ending a long term relationship, of course, but knowing when to stop engaging is an important skill in either case.

10. Put It All Together

None of these strategies exists in isolation. The real goal is to practice them enough that they become part of how you approach conflict: I am someone who wants to interact with angry people productively and effectively. Over time, that identity can help you pause, stay calm, understand what’s happening, and choose your response rather than simply reacting.

Resources and References

• Slide Deck From the Talk (here)

• Follow me on Social Media (here)

• Deffenbacher, J. L., Oetting, E. R., Thwaites, G. A., Lynch, R. S., Baker, D. A., Stark, R. S., Thacker, S., & Eiswerth-Cox, L. (1996). State-trait anger theory and the utility of the Trait Anger Scale. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 43, 131–148.

• Martin, R. C., & Dahlen, E. R. (2007). The Angry Cognitions Scale: A new inventory for assessing cognitions in anger. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 25, 155–173.

• Fan, R., Zhao, J., Chen, Y., & Xu, K. (2014). Anger is more influential than joy: Sentiment correlation in Weibo. PLoS ONE, 9, e110184.

• de Quervain, D. J., Fischbacher, U., Treyer, V., Schellhammer, M., Schnyder, U., Buck, A., & Fehr, E. (2004). The neural basis of altruistic punishment. Science, 305, 1254–1258.

• Carlsmith, K. M., Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2008). The paradoxical consequences of revenge. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95, 1316–1324.

• Deffenbacher, J. L. (1996). Cognitive-behavioral approaches to anger reduction. In K. S. Dobson & K. D. Craig (Eds.), Advances in cognitive-behavioral therapy (pp. 31–62). Sage.

About Dr. Ryan Martin

Dr. Ryan Martin is a psychologist, university dean, and author of three books - including the recent Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast and the international bestseller, Why We Get Mad. Known online as the Anger Professor, he helps people understand how emotions work and what to do with them. His TED Talk, Why We Get Mad, has been watched more than 3.5 million times.

This was a very small thing; honestly, probably a total of 10 to 25 seconds passed while he was gathering his stuff. But it didn’t feel like a small thing to me at the time. In the moment, I felt a weird sense of pressure and discomfort. Why wasn’t he ready? This is taking forever! Now all of these people have to wait!

I’m offering a free 30-day pass through the end of August so you can check out my latest series, How to Deal with Angry People. With this pass, you’ll be able to explore the full Emotion Hacks archive.

How to Deal with Angry People Preview

What’s a micro-angst

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Here are three takeaways from our conversation.

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how of the biggest adjustments I’ve had to make as a dean has been learning how to think clearly in the middle of… messiness. Every day brings a flood of emails, meetings, decisions, and competing priorities. Early on, I assumed success would come from being organized and disciplined. I just needed to stay on top of everything. That’s not untrue, but over time I’ve realized that success depends much more on identifying what to focus on, filtering out what I can ignore, and seeing the bigger picture before making a decision.

That realization came back to me recently while reading a fascinating new study on mental health (I did a post about this study earlier this month).

For decades, psychologists and other mental health professionals have focused on three broad approaches to improving emotional well-being. We help people calm the body through techniques like relaxation and mindfulness. We help people change the way they interpret events through cognitive therapies. And, when appropriate, we change the brain’s chemistry through medication and other biological interventions.

This new study suggests a fourth, more successful, approach, and I think it’s one of the most interesting papers I’ve read in years.

Researchers followed 370 adults who completed a brain health training program designed to improve attention, reasoning, and strategic thinking. The goal wasn’t to improve mental health. It was to improve the way people processed information. Yet after six months, participants reported less psychological distress, greater resilience, better quality of life, and more engagement in meaningful activities.

And this leads into this month’s Emotion Hack of the Month.

In Case You Missed It

Some of what I’ve written and recorded recently.

• Understanding Empathy: A Conversation with Dr. Alison Jane Martingano

• Hack Your Anger: Dave Wants to Know Podcast (YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts)

• The Male Anger Epidemic: What Four Years of Data Reveals About Men and Rage

Emotion Hack of the Month: Ask Yourself One Question Before Reacting

When you’re anxious, angry, overwhelmed, or frustrated, your first instinct is usually to react to whatever is demanding your attention. You may replay the conversation, worry about the future, or fixate on the problem in front of you. The new research I discussed above suggests there may be a better place to start.

Before you react, ask yourself one simple question:

What deserves my attention right now?

That question sounds almost too simple, but it does something powerful. It forces your brain to shift from reacting automatically to thinking strategically. Instead of allowing your attention to be captured by the loudest worry or strongest emotion, you’re intentionally deciding where to direct your mental energy.

Sometimes the answer will be the problem itself. Sometimes it will be the next small step you can take to address it. And sometimes you’ll realize that the thing consuming your attention doesn’t deserve nearly as much attention as you’ve been giving it.

This isn’t about ignoring your emotions or pretending problems don’t exist. It’s about recognizing that attention is a limited resource. Every minute spent replaying an argument, imagining worst-case scenarios, or obsessing over something outside your control is a minute you can’t devote to something more useful (like solving the problem in front of you).

Over the next month, try making this your default response whenever you notice a strong emotion. Before you try to calm down, solve the problem, or change the way you feel, simply ask yourself:

What deserves my attention right now?

What’s Coming Up

I just finished up my second ten-part series for paid subscribers. You can find those here:

• Series one, Emotional Maintenance, ten simple, science-backed habits that can dramatically improve your emotional life.

• Series two, Anger Management for Men, ten small, repeatable moves you can rely on when you feel yourself getting mad.

I’m about to start my third ten-parter, Dealing with Angry People, ten science-backed strategies for dealing with people who are angry with you.

Second, I still plan on teaching a class via substack. I’m working through the details here, but I’m planning on putting together a six-week anger management course starting in September or October, available to all subscribers. Stay tuned for more.

Subscribe now

And, of course, if you have ideas for content or want to ask a question, please go ahead an email me. I’d love to hear from you.

Email Ryan

Help Us Grow

If today’s newsletter was useful, I’d love your help getting it in front of more people. Forward it to a friend, share it on social media, or pass it along to someone who might need it right now. Every little bit helps this community grow and gives more people access to tools for managing their emotions.

Share Emotion Hacks from the Anger Professor

Thank you for reading, sharing, and being part of this work.

Sincerely,

Ryan
The Anger Professor

Dr. Ryan Martin is a psychologist, university dean, and author of three books - including the recent Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast and the international bestseller, Why We Get Mad. Known online as the Anger Professor, he helps people understand how emotions work and what to do with them. His TED Talk, Why We Get Mad, has been watched more than 3.5 million times.

Here are the ten moves:

1. Know your triggers (read here)

2. Set yourself up to stay in control (read here)

3. Burn off excess energy (read here)

4. Watch what you drink (read here)

5. Spend time with others (read here)

6. Notice how you see conflict (read here)

7. Stop guessing intent (read here)

8. Lower the stakes (read here)

9. Understand what you deserve (read here)

10. Ground yourself

Each week, I cover one of these in more detail, and this week we’re finishing up with…

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Number ten: Ground yourself

Strong emotions have a way of pulling your attention inward. Instead of focusing on what’s happening right now, your mind starts replaying the argument, imagining what might happen next, or rehearsing what you’re going to say. When we continue to give those thoughts attention, the emotion hangs around.

Read more

Here are the ten moves:

1. Know your triggers (read here)

2. Set yourself up to stay in control (read here)

3. Burn off excess energy (read here)

4. Watch what you drink (read here)

5. Spend time with others (read here)

6. Notice how you see conflict (read here)

7. Stop guessing intent (read here)

8. Lower the stakes (read here)

9. Understand what you deserve

10. Ground yourself

Each week, I write about one of these in more detail, and this week it’s…

Subscribe now

Number nine: Understand what you deserve

One of the quickest ways to become angry is to confuse what you want with what you deserve.

Read more

Read more

Here are the ten moves:

1. Know your triggers (read here)

2. Set yourself up to stay in control (read here)

3. Burn off excess energy (read here)

4. Watch what you drink (read here)

5. Spend time with others (read here)

6. Notice how you see conflict (read here)

7. Stop guessing intent (read here)

8. Lower the stakes

9. Understand what you deserve

10. Ground yourself

Each week, I discuss one of these more fully, and this week we’re on…

Subscribe now

Number eight: Lower the stakes

One of the easiest ways to lose control is to convince yourself that every setback is a disaster.

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This series focuses on simple, practical ways to handle anger in the moment. Not by getting rid of it, but by using it better. These are small, repeatable moves you can rely on when you feel yourself getting mad. None of them take long. Most of them don’t require deep reflection. But together, they help you stay in control when it matters most. They are relevant to anyone and everyone, but I’m building this series specifically for men who regularly tell me they have a hard time managing their anger.

Here are the ten moves:

1. Know your triggers (read here)

2. Set yourself up to stay in control (read here)

3. Burn off excess energy (read here)

4. Watch what you drink (read here)

5. Spend time with others (read here)

6. Notice how you see conflict (read here)

7. Stop guessing intent

8. Lower the stakes

9. Understand what you deserve

10. Ground yourself

Each week, I discuss one of these in more detail. This week we’re on…

Subscribe now

Number seven: Stop guessing intent

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1. Calming the body

2. Changing how you interpret events

3. Changing the brain’s chemistry

We encourage people to calm the body through relaxation and mindfulness. If you’re anxious or angry, you’ve probably been encouraged to try deep breathing, meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, or mindfulness exercises. We encourage changes in interpretation by identifying distorted thinking patterns, challenging unhelpful beliefs and developing more accurate ways of interpreting events. Finally, we change the brains chemistry through biological interventions. In fact, medications remain one of the most common treatments for depression, anxiety, and other mental health concerns.

Subscribe now

This new research, though, identifies a fourth option.

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This series focuses on simple, practical ways to handle anger in the moment. Not by getting rid of it, but by using it better. These are small, repeatable moves you can rely on when you feel yourself getting mad. None of them take long. Most of them don’t require deep reflection. But together, they help you stay in control when it matters most. They are relevant to anyone and everyone, but I’m building this series specifically for men who regularly tell me they have a hard time managing their anger.

Here are the ten moves:

1. Know your triggers (read here)

2. Set yourself up to stay in control (read here)

3. Burn off excess energy (read here)

4. Watch what you drink (read here)

5. Spend time with others (read here)

6. Notice how you see conflict

7. Stop guessing intent

8. Lower the stakes

9. Understand what you deserve

10. Ground yourself

Each week, I discuss one of these in more detail. This week it’s going to be…

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Number six: Notice how you see conflict

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how I had a pretty terrible Bellin Run this year.

I’ve written about the Bellin Run before (see here). It’s a local race and one of my favorite days of the year. I ran this year (my 19th Bellin Run in a row) and… I was really slow. I started at the pace I wanted but then I just couldn’t keep it going and I slowed down quite a bit in the second half of the race. As I reflected on it later, I realized that I just hadn’t prepared for it the same way I have in the past. I hadn’t put in as many miles leading up to it, hadn’t fueled appropriately the week before, didn’t get enough sleep the night before, etc. There were a bunch of little things I hadn’t done to help me have the race I wanted to have. And on race day, it didn’t matter how much I wanted to run faster. I just couldn’t because I hadn’t done the work in advance.

This is how emotional wellness preparation works too. You may go into a situation with the best intentions. You may want to stay calm, be respectful and kind, but you just end up losing your cool anyway. When that happens, it’s because you can only do so much in the moment. Much of the work of being emotionally healthy has to happen in advance of the stressor. It’s about taking good care of yourself physically, staying well rested, knowing your triggers, developing a coping system, etc.

People ask me all the time, how do I keep from exploding in the moment? Yes, there’s work to be done in the moment, but so much of that work is done in advance. Much like I needed a better Bellin Run training plan, you need an Emotion Management Training Plan (so I’ve build one for you below).

In Case You Missed It

Some of what I’ve written and recorded recently.

• Anger in Relationships: A conversation with Jeremy Mohler

• How to Support Men’s Mental Health: An article in Experience Life

• Watch What You Drink: How alcohol impacts your mood, especially your anger

For those who want to test out a paid subscription, I’ve offering a 30-Day free trial (this offer expires at the end of June, though, so claim it now!).

Earn Your 30-Day Free Pass

Emotion Hack of the Month: Your Emotion Management Training Plan

If emotional wellness is like preparing for a race, then you need a training plan. When you’re tired, stressed, isolated, or overwhelmed, your brain has fewer resources available for self-control. Small frustrations feel bigger, emotional reactions come faster, and it’s harder to think clearly. Taking care of yourself beforehand doesn’t eliminate stress, but it increases your capacity to handle it.

With that in mind, here are six things you can do to respond better when you encounter one of your triggers:

1. Stay rested. Prioritize consistent, high quality sleep. Most emotional skills work better when you’re well rested.

2. Stay active. The flipside of that, is to move your body regularly when you are awake. Walking, running, lifting, stretching, and other forms of exercise can help regulate stress and improve mood.

3. Know your triggers. Pay attention to the situations, people, and patterns that tend to pull those negative emotions out of you. Awareness creates opportunities to respond differently.

4. Develop coping skills. Build a toolbox of healthy ways to manage stress, frustration, anxiety, and anger before you need them. Be ready to use them as you feel yourself getting tense.

5. Strengthen your relationships. Invest in the people who support you. Social connection is one of the strongest predictors of emotional well being.

6. Practice self-reflection. Regularly check in with yourself. Notice what is working, what is not, and where you might need to make adjustments.

Like any training plan, consistency matters more than perfection. Small actions repeated over time can have a powerful impact on your emotional health.

What’s Coming Up

I have two big initiatives right now (but I’m short on some details).

First, I’ll continue doing live interviews on topics related to anger (see here for examples: Office Hours with the Anger Professor). I’m especially interested in talking with angry men who are willing to unpack their sources of anger with me. If you’re interested in talking with me, email me here:

Email Ryan

Second, I want to teach a class via substack. I’m still working through the details here, but I’m planning on putting together a six-week anger management course starting in August or September, available to all subscribers. Stay tuned for more.

Subscribe now

Help Us Grow

If today’s newsletter felt useful, I’d love your help getting it in front of more people. Forward it to a friend, share it on social media, or pass it along to someone who might need it right now. Every little bit helps this community grow and gives more people access to tools for managing their emotions.

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Thank you for reading, sharing, and being part of this work.

Sincerely,

Ryan
The Anger Professor

Dr. Ryan Martin is a psychologist, university dean, and author of three books - including the recent Emotion Hacks: 50 Ways to Feel Better Fast and the international bestseller, Why We Get Mad. Known online as the Anger Professor, he helps people understand how emotions work and what to do with them. His TED Talk, Why We Get Mad, has been watched more than 3.5 million times.

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Here are three quick takeaways from that conversation.

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