It’s subconsciously beneath everything that we do, including parenting.

For some of us, that system runs on guilt and shame.

Guilt and shame are powerful feelings. Guilt is when we feel bad about something that we did. It’s an emotion that if interpreted and be used correctly can guide us to accept the responsibility, make amends, and learn from our action and do better in the future.

Shame, on the other hand, is feeling of not being good enough and believing that we’re inherently bad. Shame in no shape or form is a helpful feeling. It masks all other feelings that we have. Hence it’s also influence our actions in ways that was not our intension.

For some others, this operating system runs on security and confidence. It comes from confidence that we are inherently good and will do what we can to do parenting right. And if we make a mistake or if our kid is struggling, we’re here to fix it without feeling of shame.

These underlying feelings (our operating system) influence:

1. how we feel about ourselves,

2. how we see our children,

3. how we respond to their needs.

Both systems are dealing with the same three questions. The answers are just very different.

How do I feel about myself?

On a shame-based system:

“My child had a meltdown today. I must be a bad parent.”

On a secure-based system:

“My child had a really hard moment today. I’m still a good person and will help her.”

How do I see my child?

On a shame-based system:

“She is still struggling with this. She embarrasses herself and me. She never gets anything right.”

On a secure-based system:

“She is still working through this. This is where she is right now. How can I help her?”

How do I respond to my child?

On a shame-based system:

“You’re making me so disappointed.”

“Look what you made me do.”

“I’m ashamed of you.”

“You always embarrass me in public”

On a secure-based system:

“I am angry right now, I need a moment to deal with my feeling. Let’s talk about what happened, how we can fix it and what you can do differently next time.”

*************

Guilt and shame don’t stay in one place.

Once they become the system running underneath our parenting, they can affect everything. They affect how we talk to ourselves after a difficult day. They affect how we interpret our child’s struggles. They affect how we discipline, how quickly we step in, and sometimes even how much we try to control our children’s lives or even manipulate it to numb our own feeling of shame.

When we operate from shame we may overbuy. overprotect. overhelp and overcorrect.

And when we induce shame in our kids, the cycle of numbing can start in them. Instead of learning from the experience, they become distracted by dealing with this strong emotion and may try to protect themselves by any means possible.

A secure and confident operating system works differently.

It means our worth as parents is not on the line every time our child struggles or misbehaves.

It doesn’t mean we stop having feelings.

It doesn’t mean we ignore our children’s mistakes or stop setting limits.

And it certainly doesn’t mean we always know what we’re doing.

When our child has a difficult day, we don’t have to immediately ask, “What does this say about me?”

We can ask, “What does my child need right now?” or “How can I manage the situation better next time.”

We can be disappointed without making our child responsible for our disappointment.

We can be angry without making our child responsible for our anger.

We can make a mistake, acknowledge it, and repair it.

And we can teach our children to do the same.

Our emotions and our actions belong to us and we are responsible for them.

And our children can learn that their emotions and their actions belong to them and they are responsible for them.

That doesn’t create distance between us and our children. It gives us a safe space to be able to deal with our emotions so we be able to efficiently communicate with our kids and help them.

Tea Time Thought

This week, notice the system running underneath your feeling and your actions.

When your child misbehaves or struggles, what comes first?

“What does this say about me?”

Or:

“What does my child need from me right now?”

Until next time,

Enjoy your tea.

Dr Sabeti

“This is a continuation of my last article on fear-based versus trust-based parenting. There is much more to this idea, and I want to explore it with you in the next few articles.”

If I came home late from school, something bad must have happened. If I got a C in math, maybe I would end up uneducated and without a job.

Of course our parents loved us. But sometimes that fear became part of how they parented us.

“If you don’t wash your hands, you will get sick.”

“If you jump, you will break your leg.”

“If you don’t drink your milk, you won’t grow tall.”

“If you don’t finish your plate, you won’t grow.”

We often use these statements because we want to protect our children. But young children don’t have the same concept of time or cause and effect as adults do. When we constantly speak to them in “if/ then sentences”, they may not understand exactly what will happen or when. They simply hear that something bad is waiting for them.

They don’t know when, or how , or what. They just believe that something bad is waiting to happen.

I wonder how much of the anxiety many of us carry as adults started this way. We may feel anxious without even knowing exactly what we are afraid of. And we bring that anxiety into our parenting style.

The reality is that we cannot really change our parenting style until we become aware of our own beliefs and where they came from. Sometimes we are parenting from our own childhood fears without even realizing it and questioning it.

So now what? Now that we know we were acting based on fear so far.

We can move from fear-based parenting to trust-based parenting.

Trust-based parenting does not mean that we stop setting limits and boundaries or stop protecting our children and teaching them good manners. It means we trust ourselves, we trust our children, and we trust that our children can handle life even when everything doesn’t go exactly as planned.

If our child gets a C in math, we can still believe that they are going to be okay.

If our child skips a meal or two, or doesn’t eat a vegetable for two weeks, we can still trust that we are raising a child with healthy nutrition habits and that one imperfect day or week is not going to determine their future.

We still do the right things for our children. We set limits and teach them right and wrong. We just don’t have to do them from a place of fear.

Instead of saying, “If you jump, you will break your leg,” perhaps we can say, “Let me help you jump,” or “I’ll watch you while you try.”

The message changes.

I am here to protect you, but I also trust you.

And maybe that is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children: the feeling that the world is a safe enough place to explore and that they can trust themselves to handle what comes next.

Tea Time Thought

This week, listen to yourself when you talk to your child. How often do your words begin with “If you do or don’t do this, something bad will happen…”

And ask yourself: Am I teaching my child through fear, or am I teaching my child through trust?

Until next time,

Dr Sabeti.

I’m sure by now you’re tired reading yet another post about social media and kids’ development. But hear me out, here we’re going to see it in a different light. Bottom line: social media does affect teenagers. This effect can be small or significant; beneficial or harmful.

Researchers are still trying to understand just how much of an impact social media has. So when you hear someone say it’s either “destroying a generation” or “completely harmless,” they’re going beyond what the research shows.

The largest study to date combined the results of 153 studies that followed children and teenagers over time. It was found that teens who spent more time on social media were somewhat more likely to experience depression, behavior problems, self-harm, and substance use. They were also somewhat less likely to feel good about themselves or do well in school. These effects were similar in size to other everyday health factors, such as not exercising enough or eating an unhealthy diet.

The effects were most noticeable during early adolescence, roughly between the ages of 11 and 14.

Why teenagers are especially affected

Adolescence is a unique stage of brain development. Two important things are happening at the same time:

• Teenagers become much more sensitive to what their peers think. Feeling accepted brings tremendous joy, while rejection can feel overwhelming. This is part of their brain development.

• At the same time, the parts of the brain responsible for self-control, judgment, and long-term planning are still developing and will continue to mature for several more years.

Social media is built to take advantage of this stage of development. Likes, comments, and notifications arrive unpredictably, creating the same type of reward pattern that makes slot machines so difficult to put down.

Brain imaging studies support this. In one study that followed teenagers over three years, those who checked social media frequently became increasingly sensitive to expected social feedback over time. In contrast, teens who checked social media only occasionally became less sensitive. Their brains appeared to develop along different paths.

Another study involving more than 7,600 children between the ages of 10 and 13 found differences in brain structure among heavier social media users. However, these studies did not determine which came first. We don’t know whether social media caused these changes or whether children with those brain differences were simply more likely to use social media more often.

Online connection is not the same as in-person connection

Research looking at brain activity during conversations has shown that face-to-face interactions create the strongest connection between two people’s brains. Video calls create less of that connection, and texting creates the least.

Another interesting finding was that negative experiences on social media seem to have a greater emotional impact than positive ones.

In a study of girls between the ages of 11 and 13, negative experiences on social media led to bad feelings that lasted longer than negative experiences in real life. On the other hand, positive experiences online created good feelings that were weaker and faded much more quickly than positive experiences in person.

Simply put, online compliments don’t last very long, but online cruelty often does.

The other side of the argument

To be fair, there is another side to this discussion, and it’s important to consider.

• A long-term Norwegian study that followed children from age 10 to 18 found that greater social media use actually predicted spending more time with friends in person, not less. In other words, for most teens, social media was not replacing real-life friendships. The exception was teens with high levels of social anxiety, whose social skills tended to decline over time.

• For some teenagers—including LGBTQ+ youth, socially isolated teens, and those struggling with suicidal thoughts—online friendships can provide meaningful support and may even be protective.

• A 2024 report from the US National Academies of Sciences concluded that the current research does not support the idea that social media is causing widespread declines in adolescent health at the population level yet.

• We also know that the relationship works both ways. Depression can lead teenagers to spend more time on social media, just as increased social media use may contribute to depression.

The “not too much, not too little” finding

Newer research suggests that the answer may not be as simple as “less is always better.”

A 2026 study found a U-shaped pattern. Teenagers with moderate social media use tended to have the best overall well-being, while both the heaviest users and teens who never used social media were more likely to have lower well-being.

The pattern also differed by age and sex.

· Girls: For younger girls (grades 4–6), those who did not use social media had the best overall well-being. By about grade 7, however, the pattern changed. Girls who used social media in moderation tended to do best, while heavy use was consistently linked to poorer well-being.

· Boys: The pattern was different for boys. As they got older, especially during high school, boys who did not use social media at all were more likely to have lower well-being than boys who used it in moderation. By late high school, having no social media was associated with a greater risk of lower well-being than other social media users.

One possible explanation is that by mid-adolescence, much of teenagers’ social life happens online. Being completely excluded from those interactions may have its own negative consequences.

Where the numbers do point clearly

Some findings have been remarkably consistent across studies.

• A US study of 6,595 adolescents found that spending more than three hours a day on social media was associated with a higher risk of depression, anxiety, and other internalizing problems, even after accounting for previous mental health conditions.

• A British study found that teenagers who spent more than four hours a day on social media were more likely to have emotional difficulties, hyperactivity, inattention, and behavior problems. Interestingly, teens who used social media for less than three hours a day actually had slightly better peer relationships than those who didn’t use social media at all.

• Starting social media before the age of 11 has also been linked to more problematic media habits later in life, as well as poorer sleep.

Which teens need closer attention

Not all teenagers are affected the same way. Some are more vulnerable than others, including:

• Teens with ADHD, anxiety, or autism.

• Teens who struggle with body image or are at risk for eating disorders, because social media algorithms tend to keep showing them more of the content they spend time viewing.

• Teens who are experiencing cyberbullying.

• Girls, who tend to spend more time on appearance-focused platforms and are generally more likely to compare themselves to others online.

• Girls who receive a smartphone at a younger age. One study found that earlier phone ownership was associated with poorer behavioral adjustment.

What the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has moved away from recommending a specific number of hours for screen time. Instead, the focus is on how, when, and what children are using.

Protect sleep first. This is probably the recommendation with the strongest evidence. Avoid screens during the hour before bedtime, keep devices out of the bedroom overnight.

Create screen-free times and places. Meals, homework time, and bedrooms are good examples. These boundaries not only protect sleep but also encourage more face-to-face family interaction.

Create a Family Media Plan. Set expectations and boundaries together, rather than making the rules feel one-sided.

Be thoughtful about your teen’s first phone. There is no research-based “right age” for getting a smartphone. The decision depends on your child. Consider their maturity, honesty, ability to handle peer pressure and social conflict, digital literacy, and whether they truly need a phone. For some children, a basic phone, flip phone, or smartwatch may be a better first step. The AAP’s PhoneReady Questionnaire can also help guide this decision.

Add more than you take away. Encouraging sports, music, art, volunteering, outdoor activities, and part-time jobs is often more effective than simply restricting screen time. When teens have meaningful activities in their lives, screens naturally become a smaller part of their day.

Use parental controls wisely. Take advantage of the tools available on phones, routers, gaming consoles, and social media accounts to help manage screen time, downloads, contacts, and purchases.

Talk often. One conversation about social media isn’t enough. Keep the discussion going. Talk about advertising, privacy, body image, the fear of missing out (FOMO), and the fact that what gets posted online can stay there forever.

Model healthy habits yourself. Our children pay much more attention to what we do than what we say. Parents’ screen habits often influence their teenagers’ screen habits.

Stay engaged. The goal isn’t to fight over every minute of screen time. Instead, stay involved, stay curious, and keep the conversation open. Research suggests that supportive parental involvement is one of the factors that helps digital media become a positive influence on learning, identity, and overall well-being.

When to take action

It’s worth bringing up your concerns if your teenager is:

• Losing sleep because of device use.

• Pulling away from family, friends, or activities they used to enjoy.

• Becoming distressed, angry, or anxious when they can’t access their phone or other devices.

• Having declining grades or increasing difficulty concentrating.

• Experiencing cyberbullying.

• Becoming overly focused on weight, appearance, or eating.

• Showing any signs of self-harm or hopelessness.

Sometimes problematic social media use is a symptom rather than the cause. It can be a sign of an underlying condition such as ADHD, anxiety, or depression, all of which deserve proper evaluation.

The bottom line for parents

Your teenager’s brain is wired to care deeply about social acceptance. That’s a normal part of adolescence. Social media takes advantage of this by providing an endless stream of likes, comments, and notifications designed to keep teens engaged. That’s how these platforms are built; it is not a character flaw in your child.

The goal isn’t to eliminate social media completely. Instead, focus on what we know makes the biggest difference: protect sleep, delay social media when possible, keep overall use in moderation, know what your teen is seeing online, encourage plenty of real-life friendships and activities, and most importantly, keep talking with your child.

Enjoy a little “social media free” tea time today.

Until next time.

Dr Sabeti

A child grows when parents thrive.

I believe it so deeply that I had these words framed and displayed in my office. Every day, they remind me that while my patients are children, caring for them also means caring for the people raising them.

Over the years, I’ve learned that one of the strongest predictors of a child’s well-being isn’t found on a growth chart.

It’s the well-being of their parents.

Children don't grow in isolation. They grow in relationships. They absorb the emotional climate of their home long before they understand words. They notice our stress, our joy, our patience, our exhaustion, and our resilience.

Parents are a child’s first teachers, first role models, first source of comfort, and first example of how to live. Long before children understand our preach, they are watching us. They learn how to handle disappointment by watching how we respond to setbacks. They learn kindness from the way we treat others. They learn resilience from seeing us recover after difficult days. They even learn how to care for themselves by watching how we care for ourselves.

Children are always learning, not only from what we teach them, but from who we are.

This is why I believe parenting is one of life’s greatest opportunities for personal growth.

No child asks for a perfect parent. What children need is a parent who is willing to keep learning, growing, and showing up with love. They benefit when we apologize after losing our patience. They learn humility when we admit mistakes. They gain confidence when they see us solve problems instead of avoiding them. Our willingness to grow gives them permission to grow as well.

When parents are exhausted, chronically stressed, anxious, or emotionally depleted, it becomes much harder to offer the calm, patient, connected presence that children need. That doesn’t mean we should feel guilty. It means we should recognize that caring for ourselves is part of caring for our children.

We often think of self-care as a luxury. I see it differently.

Getting enough sleep, moving your body, nurturing friendships, asking for help, protecting your mental health, making time to laugh, and finding moments of peace are not selfish acts. They are investments in your family. When you are healthier, you naturally become more patient, more present, and more emotionally available.

Research has repeatedly shown that a parent’s emotional well-being influences a child’s emotional, behavioral, cognitive, and even physical health. Healthy families are not created by perfect parents. They are created by parents who continue to grow.

One of my favorite reminders comes from the safety instructions on an airplane: put on your own oxygen mask before helping your child. Parenting works much the same way. You cannot continuously pour from an empty cup.

So today, instead of asking only, “How is my child doing?” I invite you to ask another question:

How am I growing?

Because your growth matters.

Not just for you.

For your child.

When parents become calmer, healthier, more resilient, more connected, and more joyful, children don’t simply witness that transformation—they grow within it.

And that is why, every time I look at the framed quote displayed in my office, I’m reminded of a simple truth:

A child grows when parents thrive.

So today turn your tea time into me time.

Until next time,

Enjoy your tea.

Dr Sabeti

You just did one of the hardest things a human body can do.

Whether your birth went exactly as planned or nothing like you imagined, you made it through. You acted like a hero in the delivery room.

Now comes the important part:

You don’t have to be a superhero anymore.

The first few days with a newborn are filled with joy, love, excitement… and a lot of questions.

“Is that breathing normal?”

“Why is my baby making so many noises?”

“Is she eating enough?”

“Should he really sleep this much?”

If this is your first baby, almost everything feels new. If this is your second or third, you may realize you’ve forgotten more than you thought.

So let’s have our tea together and talk about what is actually normal during those first precious, and exhausting, days.

Your baby is adjusting to life outside the womb.

For nine months, your baby lived in a warm, dark, quiet environment where someone else did all the breathing, eating, regulating body temperature, and delivering nutrients.

Now your newborn suddenly has to do all of those things alone.

That transition isn’t always graceful.

Your baby is learning to breathe, feed, sleep, digest, and communicate, all at the same time. Many things that seem alarming are actually part of this adjustment.

Your baby’s appearance may surprise you.

Many parents expect their newborn to look like the babies they see in advertisements: round cheeks, smooth skin, and open eyes.

Real newborns are often much more interesting.

It’s completely normal for babies to have puffy eyelids after delivery, peeling and wrinkled skin, crossed eyes that seem to wander, tiny white bumps on the nose, breast swelling in both boys and girls, and even a small amount of vaginal bleeding or whitish discharge in baby girls because of hormones they were exposed to before birth.

Some babies have cone-shaped heads after a vaginal delivery. Others have birthmarks, little scratches from their own fingernails, or swollen hands and feet.

Most of these findings improve over the next several days or weeks.

Your baby doesn’t need to look picture-perfect to be perfectly healthy.

Breathing may look strange… and still be normal.

Newborns often sneeze, sound congested, or have little sniffles. This doesn’t necessarily mean they have a cold. Their noses are adjusting to breathing air for the very first time.

Most babies do not need frequent suctioning. In fact, excessive suctioning can irritate their tiny noses. If your baby is feeding comfortably and breathing well, simply observing is usually enough.

You may also notice irregular breathing. Babies often breathe quickly, then slowly, and sometimes pause for a few seconds before taking another breath.

This pattern can be frightening for first-time parents, but if your baby remains pink, comfortable, and is not struggling to breathe, it is usually completely normal.

If your baby is gasping, working hard to breathe, turning blue, or becoming limp, call 911 immediately and begin CPR if needed.

Newborns are surprisingly noisy sleepers.

Babies spend much of their newborn sleep in what we call active sleep. During this stage they twitch, grunt, smile, stretch, move their arms and legs, make funny noises, and breathe irregularly.

Many parents mistake this for discomfort and immediately pick up their baby.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is pause for a few moments.

You may discover your baby was never fully awake and settles back into sleep on their own.

Of course, safe sleep always comes first.

Place your baby on their back on a firm mattress in a crib or bassinet with no pillows, blankets, bumpers, stuffed animals, or loose bedding.

Sharing a room is encouraged. Sharing a bed is not.

Feeding is a learning process, for both of you.

Media makes breastfeeding look effortless.

Real life is different.

Your baby is learning how to latch.

Your milk is changing.

Your body is recovering.

Everyone is learning together.

Most newborns do very well with the small amounts of colostrum they receive during the first few days. However, some babies become dehydrated, excessively sleepy, unusually fussy, lose too much weight, or develop worsening jaundice.

When those red flags appear, temporary formula supplementation may be medically appropriate and does not mean breastfeeding has failed.

Breastfeeding should be a source of nourishment, not suffering.

If breastfeeding becomes a significant source of stress for you or your baby, talk with your pediatrician or a lactation consultant. Sometimes a few adjustments make all the difference.

If you choose to exclusively pump or feed formula, those are valid choices as well.

Whatever feeding method you choose, remember that feeding time is also bonding time. Skin-to-skin contact, eye contact, talking, and cuddling are just as important as what is inside the bottle.

Diapers tell an important story.

One of the easiest ways pediatricians judge how well a newborn is doing is by looking inside the diaper.

Wet diapers tell us about hydration.

Dirty diapers tell us about feeding.

During the first day or two, you may notice pink or orange stains in the diaper. These are called urate crystals and are usually normal in the first couple of days.

Your baby’s first stools, called meconium, are thick, sticky, and black.

Over the next several days they gradually become green and then yellow.

If your baby continues passing mostly meconium after three or four days, it may suggest they are not getting enough milk, and that can contribute to worsening jaundice.

Jaundice is common but deserves attention.

Almost every newborn develops some degree of jaundice.

Most babies simply need close monitoring while their bodies learn how to process bilirubin.

Some babies require phototherapy.

One of the best ways to help babies with normal newborn jaundice is making sure they are feeding well, staying hydrated, and passing their stools regularly.

If you notice the whites of your baby’s eyes becoming yellow or your baby’s skin looking increasingly yellow after going home, contact your pediatrician.

Burping and gas

Newborns are still learning how to coordinate sucking, swallowing, and breathing.

That means they swallow air.

Sometimes that air comes back as a burp.

Sometimes it travels through the intestines and comes out as gas.

When your baby becomes fussy after feeding, always consider burping, even if you’ve already burped them once.

Gas is also common. Gentle bicycle leg exercises, tummy massage, or gas drops may help some babies.

Crying is a form of communication

And then there’s crying.

Crying is your baby’s language.

Unlike teenagers (who may keep you guessing!), newborns usually cry because they need something.

Run through your checklist:

Are they hungry?

Do they need a diaper change?

Do they need to burp?

Are they too warm or too cold?

Are they trying to pass gas or have a bowel movement?

Do they simply want to be held?

If you’ve checked everything and your baby is still crying, undress them and look carefully at their skin, fingers, toes, and skin folds. Make sure nothing is irritating them and that they are moving all their arms and legs comfortably.

Most newborn cries have a reason, even if we don’t always figure it out immediately.

The biggest danger may be your own exhaustion.

One of the greatest risks during the newborn period isn’t illness.

It’s your sleep deprivation.

Skin-to-skin contact is wonderful.

Rocking your baby is wonderful.

Feeding your baby is essential.

Doing any of those things while you’re falling asleep can become dangerous.

If you feel yourself getting sleepy while holding your baby, place your baby in a safe sleep space.

Avoid feeding your baby in bed, where you might accidentally fall asleep.

When handing your baby to another adult, make eye contact and make sure the other person clearly has the baby before letting go.

These simple habits prevent many newborn injuries.

Know the few things that are never “wait and see.”

Most newborn behaviors are normal.

A few are not.

Call your pediatrician immediately or seek emergency care if your newborn:

• Has a rectal temperature of 100.4°F (38°C) or higher.

• Has a low temperature that does not improve after warming.

• Is struggling to breathe.

• Turns blue.

• Is very difficult to wake for feeds.

• Refuses several feedings.

• Has significantly fewer wet diapers than expected.

• Develops increasing yellowing of the eyes or skin.

• Has redness spreading around the umbilical cord.

• Inconsolable cry

• Not opening her eyes

For newborns, fever is always taken seriously and usually requires prompt medical evaluation.

Before you leave the hospital…

Before going home, your baby will receive several important preventive treatments.

The vitamin K injection helps prevent dangerous internal bleeding.

The hepatitis B vaccine provides early protection against hepatitis B infection and is especially urgent if the mother carries the virus.

Erythromycin eye ointment helps prevent certain serious eye infections acquired during delivery.

These interventions have saved countless newborn lives and remain an important part of newborn care.

Your first pediatrician visit matters.

Most newborns are seen by their pediatrician one or two days after leaving the hospital.

During this visit we check feeding, weight, hydration, jaundice, and answer the dozens of questions that naturally arise.

Many exclusively breastfed babies lose up to 7–10% of their birth weight before beginning to gain again. Most regain their birth weight by about two weeks of age.

This early visit is one of the most important appointments of the entire first year.

One final cup of tea…

The first few days can feel like an endless cycle of feeding, burping, diaper changes, wondering if every sound is normal, and checking to see if your baby is still breathing.

Most of the time, everything is exactly as it should be.

Your baby doesn’t expect perfection.

Your baby needs loving parents who are learning alongside them.

Give yourself the same patience and grace you’re giving your newborn.

You’re both brand new at this.

Until next time,

Enjoy your tea.

— Dr. Anita Sabeti

One of the most common questions I hear from expecting parents is:

“What should we pack for the hospital?”

Social media may have you believing you need three suitcases, matching pajamas, decorative birth signs, and enough baby outfits for a fashion show.

The reality? Most families need much less than they think.

Let’s have our tea together and pack wisely.

For Mom

The hospital will provide many necessities, but there are a few personal items that can make labor and recovery much more comfortable.

Consider packing:

· A photo ID and insurance information

· Your birth plan (if you have one—but remember, flexibility is important)

· Your prenatal records in case the hospital has not received them before your delivery. If your records are online, make sure you have access to them.

· Comfortable, loose-fitting clothes to wear home

· Nursing bras or comfortable bras if you plan to breastfeed

· Nipple cream and silver cup for breastfeeding. This is usually provided by the hospital, but pack your own if you prefer a specific brand, since you’ll likely need it on the first day.

· Comfortable underwear (although many parents prefer the disposable ones provided by the hospital)

· Slippers or non-slip socks. Remember that your feet may be swollen.

· A lightweight robe

· Toiletries (toothbrush, toothpaste, face wash, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, lip balm, hair ties, glasses, or contact lens supplies). Some basic toiletries are provided by the hospital, but you may prefer to use your own.

· Your phone and a long charging cable (hospital outlets are rarely where you want them!)

· Any medications your doctor has instructed you to continue

If you enjoy music, meditation, or relaxation apps, download them before heading to the hospital.

For Your Support Person

The support person often gets overlooked when packing.

They may appreciate bringing:

· A change of clothes

· Toiletries

· Snacks

· A reusable water bottle

· A pillow and light blanket, if allowed

· A phone charger

· Entertainment for quieter moments

Labor can sometimes last much longer than expected.

For Baby

Babies don’t need much during their hospital stay because the hospital usually provides diapers, wipes, blankets, and other basic supplies.

Pack:

· An approved rear-facing infant car seat (installed before your due date)

· One or two going-home outfits (different sizes can be helpful since babies don’t always fit into newborn clothing)

· Socks or mittens, if desired

· A light blanket, depending on the weather

· Formula and bottles if you prefer to use your own brand

That’s really it.

Don’t Forget the Car Seat

The one item you absolutely cannot leave behind is the infant car seat.

Most hospitals will verify that you have one before discharge. They generally do not check whether it is installed correctly, so it’s a good idea to install it well before your due date and become familiar with how it works.

You can have your car seat checked by a Child Passenger Safety (CPS) Technician. You may also be able to schedule an appointment with your local fire department, police department, or hospital if they offer this service.

What the Hospital Usually Provides

Every hospital is a little different, but many provide:

· Diapers

· Wipes

· Swaddling blankets

· Baby hats

· Formula, if needed

· Baby bottles and pacifiers

. Breast pump

· A bulb syringe

· Mesh underwear for Mom

· Large sanitary pads

· A peri bottle

· Ice packs

· Basic postpartum supplies

Before purchasing large quantities of postpartum supplies, ask your hospital what is routinely provided.

Things You Can Probably Skip

You likely don’t need:

· Multiple baby outfits

· Large boxes of diapers

· Your own baby wipes (unless your baby has special needs)

· Baby pillows or sleep positioners

· Photography props

Remember, you’ll probably only be in the hospital for one or two days after a vaginal delivery and a little longer after a cesarean birth.

A Few Final Thoughts

Perhaps the most important thing to pack isn’t something that fits in your hospital bag.

Pack patience and flexibility.

Birth rarely follows a perfect script. Sometimes labor is shorter than expected. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes plans change. That’s okay.

Your healthcare team is there to help you safely welcome your baby into the world.

Pack the essentials, keep your expectations flexible, and focus on what truly matters: meeting your new little one.

Until next time,

Enjoy your tea.

We talk a lot about how pregnancy changes a mother’s body. But here’s something most people don’t know: becoming a father changes a man’s body and brain, too.

Over the past two decades, researchers have uncovered a fascinating story — one that shows fatherhood is not just a social role, but a biological transformation. And understanding that transformation matters, because it affects dads, moms, and children alike.

Let’s walk through what the science tells us.

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Part 1: Your Hormones Shift — and That’s a Good Thing

When a man becomes a father, several key hormones change in coordinated ways. Think of it as the body’s way of helping a man shift from “finding a partner” mode into “caring for a baby” mode.

Testosterone goes down. A landmark study followed over 600 men in the Philippines and found that new fathers experienced a 26% drop in morning testosterone and a 34% drop in evening testosterone — much larger declines than men of the same age who didn’t become fathers. Interestingly, men with higher testosterone were more likely to find a partner in the first place, but once the baby arrived, their levels dropped significantly. And the bigger the drop? The more involved and committed those dads tended to be with their families.

Oxytocin goes up. Often called the “bonding hormone,” oxytocin rises in expectant fathers during pregnancy, mirroring the pattern seen in mothers. Fathers of toddlers also have higher oxytocin levels than men without children.

Prolactin rises. This hormone, which helps mothers produce breast milk, also increases in fathers. Researchers believe it plays a role in nurturing behavior across many species including humans.

Vasopressin goes down. This hormone, related to territorial and competitive behavior, decreases as men transition into fatherhood. Lower levels before the baby is born actually predicted greater involvement with the mother and child afterward.

These aren’t random fluctuations. They represent a coordinated biological shift that begins during pregnancy before the baby is even born.

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Part 2: Fatherhood Rewires the Brain

The hormonal changes are just part of the story. Fatherhood also reshapes the brain itself.

Brain imaging studies have shown that new fathers develop increased activity in areas responsible for:

- Empathy — the ability to feel what someone else is feeling

- Mentalizing — the ability to understand what someone else might be thinking

- Reward and motivation — the brain’s “this feels good, do more of it” system

In one striking study, researchers scanned the brains of first-time fathers and compared them to men without children. Fathers showed a clear pattern: their brains lit up more in response to baby cues (like a baby’s face or cry) and less in response to sexual stimuli. In other words, the brain was literally reorienting its reward system; from mating toward caregiving.

New fathers also showed structural brain changes, with reductions in certain brain regions that mirrored changes seen in new mothers. The greater these changes, the more bonded and engaged the fathers were with their infants.

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Part 3: When the Transition Gets Hard — Paternal Postpartum Depression

Here’s where the story takes a more serious turn. While these biological changes usually support healthy fathering, the transition to parenthood can also be a vulnerable time for men’s mental health.

Research shows that roughly 1 in 10 new fathers experiences depression during the perinatal period (from pregnancy through the first year after birth). About 11% experience significant anxiety. These numbers peak around 3 to 6 months after the baby arrives.

The biggest risk factors include:

- A prior history of depression or anxiety

- Financial stress or unemployment

- A partner who is also experiencing postpartum depression

- Low relationship satisfaction

- High perceived stress during pregnancy

The relationship between hormones and depression in fathers is complex. While lower testosterone is generally linked to better caregiving, it may also make some men more vulnerable to depressive symptoms. The relationship appears to be U-shaped — both very low and very high testosterone levels are associated with more depression and parenting stress.

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Part 4: Why Dad’s Mental Health Matters for Kids

Paternal depression doesn’t just affect the father. It ripples outward to the entire family.

A large analysis combining data from 48 studies found that when fathers experience depression, anxiety, or high stress during the perinatal period, their children are more likely to have difficulties with:

- Social and emotional development — including behavioral problems, difficulty regulating emotions, and trouble getting along with others

- Language development

- Cognitive development

- Overall developmental milestones

These effects were strongest when the father’s mental health struggles occurred after the baby was born, suggesting that a dad’s day-to-day emotional state and engagement directly shapes his child’s development.

There’s even evidence that a father’s experiences before conception can matter. Through a process called epigenetics — changes in how genes are expressed without altering the DNA itself — a father’s stress, diet, smoking habits, and environmental exposures can leave molecular marks on his sperm that influence his future child’s health. This includes effects on metabolism, stress responses, and even predisposition to depression.

And in a hopeful twist, the research also shows that caregiving quality can be passed down positively: men who grew up with involved, supportive fathers tend to show hormonal profiles that make them more naturally inclined toward engaged fathering themselves.

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Part 5: What Can Help — Individual Interventions

The good news is that paternal perinatal depression is treatable and treating it benefits the whole family.

Screening matters. Tools like the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (originally designed for mothers) have been validated for use with fathers. The Gotland Male Depression Scale is specifically designed to catch symptoms that men are more likely to show, like irritability, anger, and increased substance use. Ideally, fathers should be screened around 3 to 6 months postpartum, when risk is highest.

Group programs work. The strongest evidence comes from a clinical trial called “Learning Through Play Plus Dads,” which combined parenting skills training with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in group sessions led by community health workers. Fathers in the program showed significant improvements in depression, anxiety, and parenting stress. Most importantly, their children showed better social and emotional development at 6 months; demonstrating that helping dads helps kids.

Talk therapy helps. CBT and interpersonal therapy are effective first-line treatments for mild-to-moderate depression. Individual therapy tends to work better than group formats for depression specifically.

Medication is an option. For moderate-to-severe depression, SSRIs like sertraline or escitalopram are recommended, consistent with standard depression treatment guidelines.

Relationships are protective. Emotional intimacy and feeling supported by a partner are among the strongest protective factors against paternal depression. Brief couple-focused interventions — even just two sessions — have shown promise in reducing both relationship distress and depressive symptoms.

Exercise makes a difference. Regular physical activity — even moderate amounts like two 30-minute sessions per week — has been shown to meaningfully reduce perinatal depressive symptoms. Mind-body practices like yoga show particularly strong effects.

Digital tools are emerging. App-based interventions for fathers are in early stages. A pilot trial of a mindfulness-based CBT app showed benefits specifically for fathers with more severe depression, though getting dads to consistently use the app remained a challenge.

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Part 6: The Bigger Picture — Workplace and Policy-Level Support

Individual treatments matter, but the systems around fathers need to support them too.

Paternity leave protects mental health. A study of nearly 11,000 French fathers found that taking two weeks of paid paternity leave was associated with 26% lower odds of postpartum depression. U.S. research on state-level paid family leave policies in California and New Jersey showed similar benefits — reduced psychological distress among parents overall. Fathers who take two or more weeks of leave are also more engaged in caregiving and maintain stronger co-parenting relationships through at least the first five years.

The American Academy of Pediatrics supports paid family leave, citing evidence that it improves parenting, reduces stress, and benefits children’s long-term development.

But the picture is nuanced. The optimal length, timing, and flexibility of paternity leave still need further study. Interestingly, the French study found that mothers whose partners took leave had slightly higher rates of postpartum depression. Cause is still to be determined.

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Part 7: Why Dads Don’t Ask for Help — and How to Change That

Even when effective treatments exist, many fathers never access them. Understanding why is critical to closing this gap.

A comprehensive review of the research identified several layers of barriers:

Masculine norms and stigma. The most consistent barrier across studies is the belief that men shouldn’t talk about their emotions or that struggling with fatherhood makes them “weak.” Many fathers feel that the perinatal period “isn’t about them” and that expressing difficulty would take attention away from their partner.

A healthcare system built for mothers. Fathers repeatedly report feeling invisible in maternity care settings. Common experiences include being treated as an assistant rather than a parent, having healthcare providers address only the mother, and finding that all available resources — classes, pamphlets, support groups — are designed exclusively for women. The language used in perinatal care is often “mother-centric,” which signals to fathers that their needs don’t belong there.

Practical obstacles. Work schedules, limited paternity leave, and the pressure to return to work quickly all reduce fathers’ ability to attend appointments or seek support. In countries with short paternity leave (like Singapore’s two weeks), fathers are often back at work before the most vulnerable period for depression even begins.

What helps fathers engage:

- Father-specific services — antenatal classes designed for dads, separate discussion groups, and resources that use inclusive language

- Proactive outreach by healthcare providers — rather than waiting for fathers to ask for help, providers who actively check in on fathers’ well-being see better engagement

- Peer support — connecting fathers with other fathers, whether in person or online, creates a “safe space” that reduces stigma and normalizes the experience

- Flexible scheduling — offering evening or weekend appointments and digital options removes practical barriers for working fathers

- Training for healthcare providers — teaching all perinatal care providers to recognize paternal depression, use non-stigmatizing language, and include fathers in conversations about mental health

Experts recommend that these changes be embedded at the system level—integrated into publicly funded healthcare, supported by national health authorities, and backed by dedicated funding — rather than left to individual clinics or motivated providers.

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The Bottom Line

Becoming a father is one of the most profound biological and psychological transitions a man can experience. The science is clear: men’s bodies and brains are designed to change in ways that support caregiving. But that same transition can also be a time of real vulnerability.

Supporting new dads requires action at every level — from individual screening and treatment, to couple and family interventions, to workplace policies and healthcare system redesign. The evidence shows that when we invest in fathers’ mental health, the benefits cascade outward: to mothers, to children, and to families as a whole.

Because when dads thrive, families thrive.

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If you or someone you know is a new or expecting father struggling with mood changes, irritability, or withdrawal, please reach out to a healthcare provider. You are not alone, and effective help is available.

Until next time.

Enjoy your tea.

Is it a gut issue?

Is it stress?

Is it a nutritional deficiency?

Is it lack of sleep?

Is it something physical?

But what if there isn’t just one answer?

What if the symptom we’re seeing is simply the place where the problem is showing up—not where it started?

A child’s mind, body, and gut are constantly influencing one another. A challenge in one area can create ripple effects throughout the entire system.

This is the foundation of what I call The Thriving Child Framework.

At its core, the framework recognizes that children are not a collection of separate parts. Their mind, body, and gut are constantly communicating with one another. What happens in one system influences the others, often in ways we don’t immediately see.

A child with chronic stomach pain may be experiencing a gut issue. But it may also be that anxiety is showing up physically in the digestive system.

A child who is exhausted and irritable may need better sleep habits. Or perhaps nutritional deficiencies are affecting their energy and emotional regulation.

A child who struggles with focus may not simply have an attention problem. Their sleep, movement, nutrition, stress levels, and physical health may all be contributing factors.

The goal is not to assign blame to one system. The goal is to understand the connections.

Too often, we look at symptoms in isolation. We treat the headache. We address the behavior. We focus on the picky eating. Yet children don’t experience their lives in separate categories, neither do their bodies.

The gut influences mood.

The mind influences digestion.

Physical health influences emotional resilience.

Sleep affects everything and can be affected by everything.

Each system impacts the others, creating either a cycle of struggle or a cycle of thriving.

This framework is not about achieving perfection. There is no perfectly nourished child, perfectly regulated child, or perfectly healthy child.

Instead, it is about curiosity.

It is about stepping back and asking:

What might this symptom be telling us?

What else could be connected?

What does this child need as a whole person?

When we begin to see children through this lens, we stop chasing symptoms and start understanding patterns.

We become less focused on fixing isolated problems and more focused on supporting overall well-being.

Because thriving isn’t the absence of symptoms.

Thriving is when a child’s mind, body, and gut are supported in a way that allows them to grow, learn, connect, and feel their best.

And that begins by seeing the whole child.

Enjoy your tea.

Until next time.

Dr Sabeti

Parents are increasingly turning to supplements recommended by friends, neighbors, social media influencers, online parenting groups, and wellness podcasts. The advice is often well-intentioned:

“Try this for focus.”

“This helped my child’s anxiety.”

“My neighbor’s son grew taller after taking this.”

“An influencer swears by it.”

What many families don’t realize is that supplements are not automatically safe simply because they are sold over the counter or labeled as “natural.”

In fact, some can be harmful—especially for children and adolescents.

The Problem With Supplement Advice

When a child has trouble sleeping, struggles with attention, experiences anxiety, seems shorter than peers, or enters puberty later than expected, parents naturally look for answers.

A recommendation from a friend may sound convincing because it comes from personal experience. An influencer may appear trustworthy because they have thousands of followers. But neither knows your child’s medical history, medications, allergies, growth pattern, or underlying health conditions.

What helped one child may be ineffective or even dangerous for another.

“Natural” Does Not Mean Safe

Many parents assume that if a product comes from a plant, herb, or natural source, it must be harmless.

History tells us otherwise.

Poison ivy is natural.

Tobacco is natural.

Opium comes from a plant.

Natural substances can have powerful effects on the body and brain.

Children are particularly vulnerable because their brains, hormones, and organ systems are still developing.

Even Tea Isn’t Automatically Harmless

I hate to say it, but even something as simple and “natural” as tea isn’t automatically harmless.

Depending on the type, tea may contain caffeine and other biologically active compounds that can increase heart rate, worsen anxiety, interfere with sleep, trigger headaches, or interact with certain medications.

That doesn’t mean tea is dangerous. It means that “natural” is not the same as “risk-free.”

Every substance we put into our bodies has the potential for both benefits and side effects. The question isn’t whether something is natural. The question is whether it’s appropriate, safe, and necessary for that particular child.

The Growing Concern About Kratom

One recent example is kratom, a plant-derived substance marketed for energy, mood enhancement, pain relief, and stress reduction.

Kratom products are widely available online and in smoke shops, vape stores, convenience stores, and gas stations.

The FDA has repeatedly warned consumers about serious health risks associated with kratom products, including addiction, withdrawal symptoms, seizures, liver toxicity, and even death in some reported cases. The agency issued a warning in 2024 regarding a kratom product linked to one death and multiple serious adverse events.

More recently, health officials have raised concerns about highly concentrated kratom-derived compounds such as 7-hydroxymitragynine (7-OH), which act on opioid receptors and may have significant addiction potential. Some products are being sold in forms that may appeal to teenagers, including flavored gummies and beverages.

Most parents have never heard of kratom.

Many teenagers have.

That’s what makes this issue particularly concerning.

Why Children Are Different

Children are not simply small adults.

Their brains are still developing.

Their liver and kidney metabolism differs from adults.

Their hormone systems are actively changing throughout childhood and adolescence.

A supplement that appears harmless in adults may affect children very differently.

Even more concerning, many supplements have never been adequately studied in children.

The absence of evidence of harm is not the same as evidence of safety.

The Questions Parents Should Ask

Before starting any supplement, ask:

• Why am I giving this?

• What evidence supports its use?

• Has it been studied in children?

• What are the possible side effects?

• Could it interact with medications?

• Is there an underlying medical condition that should be evaluated first?

Sometimes a supplement isn’t the answer at all.

Poor sleep may be caused by anxiety.

Slow growth may signal a nutritional deficiency, hormonal issue, chronic disease or simply normal variation.

Difficulty concentrating may have multiple explanations that deserve proper evaluation.

Treating symptoms without understanding the cause can delay getting the right help.

A Better Approach

As parents, we all want to help our children thrive.

That doesn’t mean avoiding supplements altogether.

It means using the same standards we apply to any medical decision:

Ask questions.

Look for evidence.

Consider risks and benefits.

And remember that the best recommendation is not the one that comes from the loudest influencer, the most persuasive advertisement, or the well-meaning neighbor.

It’s the one that is right for your child.

Because when it comes to children’s health, “everyone is taking it” is never a substitute for good medical judgment.

Until next time.

Enjoy your tea responsibly.

Dr Sabeti

“What do you think is the hardest part of parenting today?”

My answer was:

“There isn’t one hardest part of parenting. It depends on the child, the parent, and the season of life they’re in. But if there’s one challenge I see again and again, it’s comparison.”

It rarely announces itself, yet it quietly steals confidence, peace, and joy from countless parents.

Especially in the age of social media.

Why does that two-year-old know the alphabet, count to 20, and sing entire songs, while my child is barely putting two words together?

Why is that three-year-old riding a bike while my child still struggles with tricycle?

Why is my niece so much taller than my daughter was at the same age?

How does that mother travel internationally with four children when I can barely make it through a grocery store trip with one?

Sound familiar?

The truth is, comparison itself isn’t the enemy. Our brains are naturally wired to compare. It helps us measure progress, recognize problems, and learn from others.

The problem begins when comparison becomes constant and unconscious.

When we focus on what others are doing, we often lose sight of what’s going well in our own family.

We stop noticing growth.
We stop celebrating small wins.
We stop appreciating the child standing right in front of us.

And instead of helping our children become the best version of themselves, we find ourselves wishing they were more like someone else.

And that is where joy quietly disappears.

Of course, some comparisons are important. Sometimes they alert us to developmental, behavioral, or emotional concerns that deserve attention.

But most of the comparisons that steal our peace aren’t serving us.

They’re simply distracting us from the unique journey our children are on.

Parenthood becomes much lighter when we remember one simple truth:

Your child doesn’t need to be ahead of someone else’s child. They simply need to keep becoming more themselves.

Enjoy your tea.

Until next time.

The short answer?

Both.

Height is one of those beautiful examples of how nature and nurture work together. Genetics matters, but so does everything that supports growth along the way.

Genes: The Blueprint

Let’s start with what we can’t control.

Genes are the strongest influence on height. Most studies suggest that about 70–80% of how tall a person becomes is determined by genetics.

Your child’s DNA carries a blueprint. Thousands of tiny genetic instructions work together to determine growth.

But genes are not destiny in the way many people think.

Genes create a range of possibility.

They do not guarantee the final result.

And that’s where environment comes in.

Environment: The Stage

If genes are the blueprint, the environment is the construction crew.

The best blueprint in the world still needs proper building materials.

A child’s growth depends heavily on:

• nutrition

• sleep

• physical activity

• chronic illness

• overall health

This is why children in many parts of the world have become taller over generations. Better food, cleaner water, medical care, and safer living conditions all matter.

There are especially important growth windows:

• during pregnancy

• early childhood

• puberty

These are times when the body is especially sensitive to the environment.

Protein: The Growth Fuel

If I had to choose one nutrient parents should understand in relation to growth, it would be protein.

Protein provides the building blocks the body needs to grow bones, muscles, and tissues.

Animal protein—especially milk—has been strongly associated with growth because it stimulates growth hormones such as IGF-1.

That doesn’t mean children must drink milk to grow but milk contains some of the most important amino acids (protein building blocks) for growth.

It means adequate nutrition matters, and quality protein plays a major role.

Growing bodies need fuel.

The Growth Hormone System

So how does the body actually grow taller?

The body has a remarkable hormonal system.

The brain releases growth hormone.

That signals the liver to produce IGF-1.

IGF-1 acts on the growth plates in the bones and tells them to lengthen.

That is how children literally grow taller.

This system depends on having enough energy.

When the body feels nourished and safe, it invests in growth.

When the body is under stress—illness, poor nutrition, chronic inflammation—it may slow growth down.

The body is very wise.

It always prioritizes survival first.

Physical Activity: Helpful, But Not Magic

Many parents ask if exercise makes children taller.

The answer is nuanced.

Regular physical activity supports healthy growth.

Running, jumping, climbing, playing, sports—all of these support strong bones, healthy hormones, and general development.

But exercise alone does not override genetics.

A child will not become taller simply because they play basketball.

Often taller children are selected into sports—not created by them.

That said, movement matters.

Children were meant to move.

The body grows best when it is active.

When Too Much Exercise Becomes a Problem

There is also such a thing as too much.

Excessive training combined with inadequate calories can slow growth.

This is especially seen in young athletes involved in intense training while restricting food intake.

The issue is not exercise itself.

It is energy imbalance.

A growing body needs enough fuel to support both movement and growth.

If all the energy goes into training, growth may pause.

Sleep: The Secret Ingredient

This may be the most underrated growth factor.

Most growth hormone is released during deep sleep.

That means sleep is not simply rest.

Sleep is active construction.

The body repairs, organizes, restores, and grows.

When children sleep well, the hormonal environment supports growth.

When sleep is chronically poor, growth may be affected.

So yes—when parents say “go to sleep so you can grow,” they are not wrong.

Vitamin D and Calcium

Parents often ask whether supplements can make a child taller.

The answer is usually no.

Vitamin D and calcium are essential for healthy bones.

Deficiency can absolutely impair growth.

But once a child has enough, giving more usually does not create extra height.

More is not always better.

Enough is what matters.

So Which Matters More?

Nature or nurture?

The answer is both.

Genes set the potential.

Environment helps determine how much of that potential is reached.

In healthy environments, many children come close to their genetic range.

In difficult environments, illness, poor sleep, poor nutrition, or chronic stress may limit growth.

So yes—you can thank genetics.

But also thank good meals.

Good sleep.

Outdoor play.

A safe home.

And the adults who quietly made all of those things possible.

Because children do not grow from genes alone.

They grow from being cared for.

Enjoy your tea.

Until next time.

Today, I’m thinking about perfection.

What does perfect even mean?

Imagine an apple tree.

What makes it perfect?

Is it the one that produces 20 pounds of apples—or 30?
The Granny Smith tree or the Honeycrisp tree?
The one that grows tall and wide?
The one that gives the most shade?
The one that needs less water?
The one that thrives in full sun?

You already know the answer.

It depends.

And more importantly:

It depends on how you define perfect.

This morning I woke up to a foggy sky, soft drizzle, and cool air. I thought, this is perfect.

But would it feel perfect if I had planned an outdoor party in an uncovered backyard?

Probably not.

Again, it depends.

So why, when it comes to parenting, do we so often believe there is one perfect way?

How do you define a perfect parent?

Is it someone who never loses patience?
Someone whose child always behaves?
A parent whose children get straight A’s?
A parent who never misses a soccer game, recital, or school performance?
A parent who cooks organic meals every night?
A parent who reads the right books every night?

Again, you see where I’m going.

Perfection is often just a picture in our minds.

A private image of how life should unfold.

But reality does not read our minds.

Reality is real.

And real life includes variables we do not control.

You may do everything “right” and your child still struggles in school.

You may do everything “right” and your child still falls off the monkey bars and breaks an arm.

You may do everything “right” and your teenager still slams the door and tells you they hate you. (That one stings)!

But none of those moments define your worth as a parent.

They define life.

Parenting is not an equation where correct input guarantees perfect output.

You can love deeply, show up consistently, and still watch your child struggle, fail, rebel, or hurt.

That is not failure.

That is being human and raising another human.

A good parent is not someone who prevents all pain.

A good parent is someone who stays present through it.

You can be an excellent parent and still raise a child who gets a B in math.

You can be an excellent parent and let your child take risks that end with stitches.

You can be an excellent parent and watch your teenager make choices you wouldn’t have made yourself.

Because growth requires room for mistakes.

For them AND for us.

This doesn’t mean we stop trying.

It means we stop worshipping a fantasy outcome.

We still learn.
We still try.
We still apologize.
We still improve.
We still choose better tools and better conversations and better awareness.

We pursue the best we can.

Without attachment to perfection.

There’s a phrase I love:

Intention without attachment.

We parent with intention.

But we release the illusion that we control every outcome.

We can read every parenting book.
Follow every evidence-based method.
Listen to every expert.
And still lose our temper on a hard day.

Because we are human.

And our children do not need perfect parents.

They need real ones.

Present ones.

Repairing ones.

Growing ones.

So today, I’m going to enjoy my perfect cup of tea in weather that feels perfect to me.

And tomorrow, someone else may call this gloomy.

That’s the thing about perfection.

It was never universal to begin with.

Enjoy your perfect cup of tea.

Until next time.

Dr Sabeti

Take your seat and grab your tea—because today we’re talking about a word I hear far too often in my exam room.

I walk into a room.

A perfectly healthy two-year-old hides behind their parent’s leg, buries their face in mom’s shoulder, or refuses to say hello.

And almost immediately, the parent says:

“Sorry, doctor—he’s very shy.”

And every time, I pause.

Because I want us to think more carefully about what that label actually means.

What does shy really mean?

The word often carries a quiet negative connotation.

That this child is timid.
Socially awkward.
Fearful.
Lacking confidence.
Not outgoing enough.

Even the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines shy as:

“easily frightened,” “timid,” “disposed to avoid a person or thing,” “hesitant,” “sensitively diffident.”

Maybe your child truly is temperamentally reserved.

But maybe that’s not the whole story.

Maybe your child is introverted.

Maybe they need time to warm up in new environments.

Maybe they’re carefully observing before engaging.

Maybe they feel overwhelmed by too much stimulation.

Maybe they’re tired.

Maybe they’re cautious around unfamiliar adults—which, frankly, can be developmentally appropriate.

Maybe they’re simply learning how to navigate the world in their own way.

Not every quiet child lacks confidence.

Not every child who clings to a parent in a new environment is “shy.”

And not every child needs to be outgoing.

What concerns me most is how quickly labels become identities.

Children listen closely to how we describe them.

“She’s the shy one.”
“He doesn’t like people.”
“She’s always been timid.”

Over time, children begin to internalize these descriptions.

They may stop challenging themselves socially because they believe:

That’s just who I am.

And that belief can quietly shape future behavior.

Even if your child struggles with confidence, publicly labeling them rarely helps.

What helps?

Creating opportunities for small wins.

Encouraging independence.

Celebrating brave moments.

Respecting their temperament while gently helping them stretch beyond their comfort zone.

And most importantly—describing them in ways that leave room for growth.

Instead of:

“She’s shy.”

Try:

“She takes a little time to warm up.”

“He likes to observe before jumping in.”

“She’s thoughtful in new situations.”

These descriptions are more accurate—and far less limiting.

Your child is still becoming who they are.

Be careful not to hand them an identity they didn’t choose.

Enjoy your tea. Until next time.

Dr Sabeti

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“Her temperature is 103—should I go to the ER?”
“His fever keeps coming back.”
“What if it causes brain damage?”
“Should I wake him up to give medicine?”

I understand the fear.

When your child feels warm, looks tired, and their temperature climbs higher and higher on the thermometer, it can feel like an emergency.

But here’s what pediatricians wish more parents understood:

Fever itself is usually not the enemy.

Fever is a symptom. It gives us data about what’s going on inside the body.

It tells us that the body’s immune system is doing exactly what it was designed to do: respond to inflammation or infection.

In many cases, fever is actually helpful. Higher body temperatures can make it harder for certain viruses and bacteria to thrive while helping the immune system function more effectively.

In other words:

Your child’s body may be doing exactly what it supposed to do.

Why are parents so afraid of fever?

Some of this fear is deeply inherited.

Generations before us lived in a very different medical reality.

Before vaccines.
Before antibiotics.
Before widespread understanding of microbiology.
Before reliable access to hydration, sanitation, and medical care and modern emergency medicine.

In those eras, a high fever could signal life-threatening illness with very few treatment options.

Some of our anxiety around fever comes from generations who had very good reasons to fear it.

Even today, many parents still hear:

• “A fever can fry the brain.”

• “Never let it go above 103.”

• “You must bring it down immediately.”

These beliefs often create what doctors call “fever phobia.”

And while fever should always be taken seriously in context, the number on the thermometer alone often tells us far less than parents think.

What pediatricians actually care about

When parents call me about a fever, I’m usually less focused on the exact number and more focused on the overall picture.

I want to know:

• How old is your child?

• How long has the fever been going on?

• What other symptoms do they have?

• Are they drinking fluids?

• Are they breathing comfortably?

• Are they alert and responsive?

• Are they in pain?

• Are there symptoms like vomiting, rash, neck stiffness, lethargy, photophobia, or dehydration?

A child with a temperature of 103°F who is drinking fluids, breathing comfortably, and watching cartoons may be less concerning than a child with a lower fever who is lethargic and struggling to breathe.

The child matters more than the number on the thermometer. We treat the child, not the thermometer.

Not all fevers are the same

Fever simply means there is inflammation in the body.

That inflammation may be:

• Infectious → viral or bacterial infections

• Non-infectious → inflammatory conditions, autoimmune conditions, reactions to certain illnesses

In children, most fevers are caused by viral infections.

Most viral illnesses simply need time and supportive care.

Bacterial infections are different; they need proper diagnosis and sometimes antibiotics.

This is why evaluation matters.

When fever can usually be monitored at home

If your child has already been evaluated or has symptoms consistent with a mild viral illness AND they are:

• breathing normally

• staying hydrated

• alert

• reasonably comfortable

• not in significant pain or distress

…it is often safe to monitor the fever and focus on comfort.

Not every fever needs medication.

This surprises many parents.

If your child is sleeping comfortably and the temperature is stable and not climbing fast, I generally don’t believe in waking them just to give fever medication.

We should also avoid unnecessary medication whenever possible.

When fever needs immediate medical attention

Please contact your pediatrician promptly or seek urgent medical care if:

• your infant is under 3 months old with any fever

• fever lasts more than 5 days

• fever reaches 105°F and does not respond to medication or cooling measures

• your child has trouble breathing

• signs of dehydration

• severe pain

• confusion

• extreme lethargy

• seizure

• stiff neck

• photophobia

• concerning rash

• your parental instinct tells you something feels very wrong

Parents know their children well.

That intuition matters.

A final thought

I’m intentionally not diving into all the science of fever here—how the immune system works, temperature regulation, inflammatory pathways, and all the fascinating medical details.

That deserves its own post.

And this article is not medical advice.

Every child is different, and every fever deserves proper context.

Please stay in touch with your pediatrician if your child develops a fever.

But I hope this gives parents something many desperately need when the thermometer starts climbing:

Perspective.

Sometimes fever is not a sign that your child’s body is failing.

Sometimes it’s a sign that your child’s body is fighting exactly as it should.

And often, what children need most is not parental panic

but a calm adult beside them with fluids, comfort, and patience.

Enjoy your tea. Until next time.

Dr Sabeti

Share Tea Time with Dr Sabeti

You walk into the room and your child is eating something you’ve said no to…
watching something you don’t allow…
or being told, “It’s okay, don’t tell your mom.”

And suddenly, you’re not just frustrated.
You’re conflicted.

Because this isn’t a babysitter.
This is your parent. Or your partner’s parent.
Someone who loves your child deeply.

So why does it feel so hard

The Real Issue Isn’t “Spoiling”

Most parents say, “They’re spoiling the kids.”

But that’s rarely the real issue.

The deeper concerns are:

• “Are my boundaries being respected?”

• “Is my child getting mixed messages?”

• “Am I still the authority in my child’s life?”

This is less about sugar and screen time…
and more about clarity of roles.

The Generational Gap

Grandparents often parent from experience:
“I raised kids. They turned out fine.”

Parents today are raising children with:

• More information

• More safety awareness

• More emotional intentionality

Neither is wrong.
But they are different languages of love.

Where Tension Builds Most

Parents tend to feel the most friction around:

• Safety (car seats, sleep practices)

• Routines (bedtime, naps)

• Food (sugar, allergies, preferences)

• Discipline (too strict vs. too lenient)

• Boundaries (“Don’t tell your mom”)

And underneath all of it is one quiet fear:

“If this continues, will it affect my child long-term?”

What Actually Works (In Real Life)

The goal is not to “win.”

The goal is:
Connection + Clarity + Consistency

Here are scripts that actually work:

1. Start with appreciation
“Dad, I love how playful you are with them. They adore you.”

2. State the boundary clearly
“We’re really trying to stay consistent with no screens before bed.”

3. Explain the why (briefly)
“It makes a huge difference in their sleep and mood.”

4. Invite partnership
“Can we be on the same page with that?”

What Doesn’t Work

• Correcting in front of the child

• Sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments

• Letting resentment build silently

These damage the relationship without solving the problem.

A Reframe That Changes Everything

Grandparents are not your co-parents.
But they are part of your child’s emotional world.

Children benefit enormously from:

• Feeling adored by another adult

• Experiencing a different kind of love

• Building a sense of family identity

So the question becomes:

How do we protect that relationship… without losing our role as the parent?

The Bottom Line

You don’t need perfect alignment.

You need:

• Clear boundaries

• Respectful communication

• And the confidence to lead your family

Because your child doesn’t need perfect grandparents.

They need:
A parent who can hold boundaries and relationships at the same time.

And that’s not easy.
But it’s powerful.

Enjoy your cup of tea. Until next time.

Dr Sabeti

Share

Tea time for me is a time to relax, reflect and connect; it was the same at my parents’ house, and at my grandparents’. I think by now it’s woven into our DNA.

As I sat with my tea recently, I found myself thinking about how patterns repeat through generations, and how a grandparent’s influence quietly shapes our daily lives in ways we don’t always notice. Their thoughts and behaviors are like genetic material; showing up in subtle ways, and sometimes not so subtle ones. It can be their values, their voice of wisdom, their traditions.

But it can also be their trauma.

The influence grandparents have on the upbringing of their grandchildren is deeply undervalued and rarely talked about. Whether they are present in the everyday life or miles away, that influence is undeniable.

Just as you learn to be a parent by becoming one, you learn to be a grandparent by becoming one. The moment you get that call — your grandchild has arrived — you step into a new role. But do you know how to grandparent?

And as a parent, you’re navigating something new too: not just your relationship with your child, but the uncharted territory of being between your parents and your kids; in the middle of it all.

Grandparenting, like art, is not something you perfect. It’s something you practice. And the canvas of that practice is conversation.

Are you ready for it; as a grandparent, a parent, or a grandchild?

Have your tea ready. This is where we begin.

— This post is part of a series leading up to the release of my book on grandparenting.

Not in a dramatic, life-changing way, but in the small, quiet way that most real change actually happens. A pause. A breath. A moment to reflect.

That’s what I hope this space can be.

Welcome to Tea Time with Dr. Sabeti.

I’ll share thoughts and reflections on health, parenting, and the emotional complexities of being human; whether you’re raising a child or simply trying to better understand yourself.

Some thoughts will be practical.
Some will be reflective.
Some may just ask a question worth sitting with.

But all of them are an invitation to slow down, to notice, and to approach ourselves and the people we love with a little more curiosity and compassion.

Not to fix everything.
But to understand things a little more clearly.

You just need a few minutes and maybe a cup of tea.

I’m really glad you’re here.

— Dr. Sabeti

A Quick Note

The information shared here is educational and is not a substitute for medical care from your child’s own healthcare professional. Every child is different, and when you have concerns about your child’s health, it’s always best to contact your pediatrician.