One of the biggest issues I see in dating is that people don’t have patience.

They don’t understand that finding a lifelong partner takes time. You need enough data about another person to actually know who they are, how they show up, how you work together, and whether you could build a happy life with them.

Most people think dating is supposed to look like what they see on TV or in movies. There’s an instant spark. Everything falls into place perfectly. You immediately know you’ve found your person, and then you run off into the sunset.

Real relationships don’t work like that.

There will be ups and downs. There will be miscommunications. There will be moments of uncertainty. There might be periods when you’re incredibly attracted to someone and periods when you feel less connected.

But if you can lean into those early months with curiosity, an open mind, and an open heart, you might come out on the other side realizing you’ve found someone you genuinely want to invest in.

The problem is that most people don’t give themselves enough time to find out.

The Goal Isn’t Marriage. The Goal Is Happiness.

So many people approach dating with one end goal: get engaged. Get married. Find my person.

But marriage isn’t actually the goal.

Happiness is the goal.

You don’t want to pick someone just so you can say you picked someone. But you also don’t want to be so picky that no human being could ever meet your expectations.

There is a balance between settling and constantly searching for something better.

And I see people struggle with this all the time.

Someone will come to me after dating a person for a few months and say, “I just don’t know if the spark is really there.”

So I start asking questions.

Tell me about the relationship.

They’re really kind. We have so much fun together. It’s easy to be around them. We have similar values. They’re consistent. I trust them. They treat me really well.

But...

“I don’t have that feeling where I want to rip their clothes off.”

And I say some version of the same thing every time:

That feeling of extreme excitement you’re chasing might be your downfall.

You’re Chasing a High

That massive rush you associate with attraction is dopamine.

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Dating apps are terrible.

People are exhausted by them. They’re tired of swiping, tired of conversations that go nowhere, tired of ghosting, tired of matching with people who don’t actually want to meet.

And I understand the frustration.

But I also don’t think dating apps are inherently bad.

I think the bigger problem is what dating apps have taught us to do to each other.

I recently sat down with Chase Croft on Dating Rehab to talk about this. Chase is an entrepreneur with a background in tech and one of the founders of Snug, a new dating platform built around creating a warmer, more intentional dating community that I have been helping create.

Interestingly, Chase and I originally met about five years ago... on a dating app.

So there was something very full-circle about sitting down years later to talk about everything we think needs to change about online dating.

Dating Has Started to Feel Like Shopping

One of the biggest problems with dating apps is that they give us access to an enormous number of people.

That sounds like a good thing.

But I’m not convinced it is.

When you have hundreds or thousands of people at your fingertips, it becomes incredibly easy to forget that there is an actual human being on the other side of the screen.

You start sorting.

Too short.

Wrong job.

Not my usual type.

Don’t like that photo.

Lives 20 minutes too far away.

Next.

Next.

Next.

Chase described it as a kind of “meat market,” and I think that’s exactly why so many people feel terrible after spending time on dating apps.

We’ve turned dating into an optimization exercise.

Instead of asking, Could I actually like this person?, we’re asking, Can I find someone better?

And when you believe someone better could be one swipe away, it becomes very difficult to give the person in front of you a real chance.

We’re Putting People Into Boxes Before We Know Them

One thing Chase said during our conversation really stood out to me: we pre-prescribe people into boxes too much.

I see this constantly in matchmaking.

People come to me with incredibly specific ideas about who they believe they should be with.

An age.

A height.

A profession.

A neighborhood.

A certain look.

A particular personality.

Sometimes even a very specific lifestyle that they’ve decided their future partner needs to fit into.

Of course you should have standards. And there are absolutely things that matter when choosing a life partner.

But I also think we’ve confused standards with specifications.

Those aren’t the same thing.

You can know that you want someone kind, ambitious, emotionally available, intellectually curious, and ready for a relationship without knowing that he needs to be 6’2”, work in finance, and live below 23rd Street.

The more specifications you add, the less room you leave for another human being to surprise you.

And surprise is a huge part of falling in love.

Date With Curiosity, Not an Agenda

This was probably my favorite part of our conversation.

Chase talked about approaching relationships with more curiosity instead of going into every interaction with an agenda.

I completely agree.

So many people walk into a first date trying to figure out:

Is this my person?

That is way too much pressure to put on someone you met 15 minutes ago.

You don’t need to know if you can marry them.

You don’t need to know if they check every box.

You don’t even need to know whether you’re wildly attracted to them yet.

You really only need to answer one question:

Am I curious enough to see this person again?

That’s it.

Some of the strongest relationships don’t begin with fireworks. They build because two people enjoyed each other enough to keep going.

But that requires giving someone enough time to actually become a person to you instead of a profile you are evaluating.

More Options Haven’t Made Dating Easier

Technology has given us something previous generations never had: access.

You can open your phone tonight and potentially connect with thousands of single people.

But unlimited access hasn’t necessarily made us better at choosing.

In some ways, I think it has made us worse.

When dating happened primarily through friends, work, school, neighborhoods, and communities, there was context around the person you were meeting.

Someone knew them.

You might see them more than once.

You had opportunities to observe their personality before deciding whether you were attracted to them.

Dating apps flattened all of that into a handful of photos and a few prompts.

And then we wonder why dating feels superficial.

This is one of the things Chase is trying to rethink with Snug. Instead of building another environment where people endlessly swipe through strangers, the goal is to create a warmer community of people who actually want to date intentionally.

I think we need more of that.

Not necessarily more dating apps.

Better environments for meeting people.

But We Also Have to Take Some Accountability

It’s very easy to blame dating apps for everything that is wrong with dating.

I don’t think that’s entirely fair.

Nothing about an app forces you to ghost someone.

An app doesn’t make you schedule four first dates in one week.

It doesn’t make you keep swiping after meeting someone you genuinely like because you’re afraid there might be someone “better.”

It doesn’t make you dismiss someone because they were nervous on a first date.

And it certainly doesn’t force you to treat another person as disposable.

Technology may encourage some of these behaviors, but ultimately we decide how we participate.

If you hate the way modern dating feels, one of the most powerful things you can do is stop participating in the behaviors you hate.

Don’t ghost.

Don’t breadcrumb.

Don’t collect matches you have no intention of meeting.

Don’t keep people around as backups.

Don’t go on dates just because you’re bored.

And when you meet someone promising, give yourself permission to stop looking around long enough to see what could develop.

I Don’t Think Dating Is Broken

Dating is harder in certain ways than it used to be.

We have too many choices. We’re more distracted. We’re more comfortable interacting through screens. And we’ve gotten very good at eliminating people before we’ve gotten very good at knowing them.

But I don’t think people have stopped wanting love.

I don’t think people have stopped wanting partnership.

And I don’t think modern dating is beyond repair.

What I think we’re craving is a return to something much more human.

Community.

Accountability.

Curiosity.

Warmth.

Being introduced to someone with context instead of encountering them as another profile in an endless stack.

And most importantly, remembering that the person sitting across from you isn’t interviewing for the role of your spouse.

They’re a person.

The goal isn’t to find someone who perfectly matches the picture you created in your head.

The goal is to meet someone who makes you curious enough to put the checklist down and find out who they actually are.

My full conversation with Chase Croft about Snug, technology, intentional dating, and what we think needs to change in the dating industry is available on this week’s episode of Dating Rehab.

One of the most common dating problems I hear is:

“I have no problem getting first dates. I just can’t get second dates.”

You match. You message. You meet.

Then...nothing.

So you go on another first date. And another. And another.

Eventually, dating starts to feel like a second job. You find yourself sitting acr…

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I’ve worked with thousands of single people of all ages over the past decade, but there’s one group I have a particular soft spot for: people who are truly ready and are approaching 40.

They want to get married. They want to have a family. They aren’t dating because they’re bored or because they want someone to text on a Tuesday night. They are ready to find their person and start the next chapter of their life.

I understand that feeling because I was there.

I met my husband in my late 30s, at a point when I desperately wanted to have this part of my life figured out. I didn’t want another situationship. I didn’t want another year to go by wondering when it was going to happen for me.

And if I found myself 40 and single today, knowing everything I know now as a matchmaker, I would approach dating very differently than most people do.

I wouldn’t panic.

But I also wouldn’t be passive.

I would get incredibly intentional about creating a life that made it as likely as possible for me to meet the right person.

And this is exactly what I would do.

1. I would become the absolute best version of myself.

Let’s start with the superficial stuff, because it matters.

I would get in the best shape of my life.

I would hire a professional hair and makeup artist and ask them to teach me how to create the most flattering look for me. Not because I need to look like somebody else, but because I want to understand how to optimize what I’ve already got.

I’d work with a stylist, even if it were only for one session. I’d buy a few great date-night outfits that made me feel sexy, comfortable, and confident.

And this applies to men too. Get a steamer. We don’t want to see wrinkles on your clothes. We want to see someone who respects themselves. The way men show up on the date will tell a woman if they are someone she can trust to lead their future family. Women are looking for leaders.

Hair. Skin. Nails. Teeth. Grooming. Clothes that actually fit your body.

Take care of yourself.

But becoming the best version of yourself isn’t primarily about looking better.

It’s about feeling better.

I’d find hobbies that make me feel the most like myself. I’d exercise. I’d take care of my health. I’d build a life that gives me energy.

Because the goal isn’t simply to look attractive in a photo.

The goal is to walk into a date genuinely liking the person you are.

2. I would deal with my baggage.

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One of the things we don’t talk about enough in dating is something I think is actually one of the most impactful: how you treat other people and how you react when things don’t go your way.

I call it ugly energy.

When I ask people what they’re looking for in a partner, I hear a lot of the same qualities again and again.

Kind. Patient. Loyal. Honest. Emotionally intelligent. Someone who can regulate their emotions. Someone who is loving and good to the people around them.

Both men and women tell me they want these things.

But here’s the question I think more people need to ask themselves:

Are you actually those things?

Because you can’t say you’re a kind person and then be rude to a waiter because your food took too long.

You can’t say you want someone loving and patient while speaking to your parents with zero patience.

You can’t say you value loyalty and then constantly gossip about your friends behind their backs.

The person you’re dating is watching all of this.

They are listening to the way you speak to your parents. They’re noticing how you treat service people. They’re watching how you talk about your friends. They’re paying attention to what happens when you’re frustrated, inconvenienced, disappointed, or told no.

Because eventually, they know that energy is going to be directed toward them.

Take Inventory of Your Energy

I think everyone who is dating should take stock of the people they interact with on any given day.

Your friends. Your family. Your coworkers. The person making your coffee. Your Uber driver. The person you’re dating.

If I asked all of those people what you’re like to be around, what would they say?

Would they describe you as kind? Warm? Patient? Lovely to be around?

Or would they say you’re demanding? Reactive? Critical? Difficult? Someone they have to walk on eggshells around?

If you give ugly energy in other areas of your life, it’s going to show up in dating eventually.

You can put on a mask for a first date. You can be charming for two hours over dinner. You can present the most polished version of yourself when everything is going exactly how you want it to go.

But that can only last for so long.

Who you really are tends to reveal itself when something goes wrong.

Stop Asking, “What Can You Do for Me?”

If you keep attracting people who don’t treat you particularly well, it’s worth looking inward too.

I’m not saying someone else’s bad behavior is your responsibility. I’m saying that dating requires enough self-awareness to examine the energy you’re bringing into your relationships.

We talk a lot about self-awareness, but I think relational awareness is even more important.

It’s not just:

How do I feel?

What do I need?

What can you do for me?

It’s also:

How do I make you feel?

How am I showing up for you?

What is your experience of me?

Let’s say you’re running 15 minutes late to a date.

Your experience might be: I’m stressed. Traffic was terrible. I’m anxious. I’m trying to get there.

But what is their experience?

Maybe they’re sitting at the restaurant wondering whether you respect their time.

Both experiences can be true.

Being able to get outside of yourself and put yourself in someone else’s shoes is such an important part of emotional intelligence. And, in my opinion, that’s what gives you true self-awareness.

Be Careful What You’re Feeding Your Brain

I also think we need to talk about the content we’re consuming.

If you’re trying to date intentionally and ultimately want a healthy, committed relationship, stop filling your brain with poison that promotes the opposite.

If you’re constantly following Instagram accounts that glorify staying single forever, hookup culture or treating dating like a game, ask yourself why.

If you’re listening to podcasts that enable bad behavior or encourage you to think of the opposite sex as the enemy, ask yourself whether that’s actually aligned with the life you’re trying to build.

There’s nothing wrong with being single. There’s nothing wrong with casual dating if that’s genuinely what you want.

But if what you truly want is marriage, partnership, children, or a loving, committed relationship, make sure what you’re consuming supports those values.

You can’t constantly fill your mind with messages that go against your belief system and expect them to have zero impact on the way you think.

Protect the energy you’re bringing into dating.

Your Feelings Are Real. Your Reaction Is a Choice.

One of the biggest things I see hurting people in dating is an inability to regulate their emotions.

Someone doesn’t confirm the date when you wanted them to.

Someone takes longer than you’d like to text you back.

Someone says something that hurts your feelings.

And suddenly you’re sending a novel explaining everything that’s wrong with them.

Or blowing up.

Or trying to teach them a lesson.

Or saying something intentionally hurtful because you’re hurt.

What you’re feeling might be completely real.

But how you communicate that feeling matters.

You can be disappointed without being cruel.

You can have standards without punishing someone.

You can tell someone that something bothered you without exploding.

You can decide that someone’s behavior doesn’t work for you and calmly walk away.

Emotional regulation doesn’t mean never having emotions. It means being able to experience those emotions without making everyone around you experience them too.

Every man I’ve spoken to about what he wants in a long-term partner has said some version of the same thing: he wants someone who can be calm, peaceful, and have mature conversations when there’s conflict. If they see you blow up at them over something that seems trivial, you’ve lost them.

And I think women want the same thing.

Because life is going to give you plenty of frustrating moments. Marriage certainly will. The question isn’t whether you’ll ever get upset.

It’s who you become when you’re upset.

Date Like Everyone Is Going to Be a Reference

The dating world is much smaller than people realize.

Especially in a city like New York.

Read more

There is something fundamentally frustrating about dating that we don’t talk about enough: there is almost no feedback.

You can go on a first date, think it went really well, come home excited, and then never hear from the person again.

Maybe they weren’t attracted to you. Maybe you talked about your ex too much. Maybe you came across as negative. Maybe you spent the entire date talking about work. Or maybe you did absolutely nothing wrong, and you simply weren’t their person.

The problem is, you usually never know.

And if you don’t know, how are you supposed to get better at dating?

This is one of the unique advantages of working with a matchmaker. After nearly a decade of matchmaking, I can tell you that the feedback we collect after dates is incredibly valuable. Sometimes it confirms that two people simply weren’t a match. But sometimes we start hearing the same thing over and over again.

And that’s when you have to pay attention.

If one person tells you that you talk about your ex too much on first dates, maybe it was a weird night.

If five people tell you that you talk about your ex too much on first dates, we have a pattern.

And patterns are where growth happens.

You May Be Self-Aware, But Are You Other-Aware?

On this week’s episode of Dating Rehab, I spoke with feedback expert Allison Brenner, whose background in psychotherapy and organizational psychology led her to create a system called InnerVue that allows people to receive anonymous feedback from the people in their lives.

One of the most interesting concepts Allison introduced during our conversation was the difference between self-awareness and “other awareness.”

We hear about self-awareness constantly.

Are you aware of your triggers? Your attachment style? Your strengths? Your weaknesses?

But there is another question that might matter even more when you’re dating:

Are you aware of how other people experience you?

Those are not always the same thing.

You might think you’re being confident. Your date might experience you as dismissive.

You might think you’re showing someone how accomplished you are. They might experience the conversation as you talking about yourself for two hours.

You might think you’re being discerning. They might experience you as judgmental.

You might think you’re being funny and sarcastic. They might leave wondering if you actually liked them.

Your intention matters, but so does your impact.

And sometimes we have absolutely no idea what that impact is.

Dating Apps Have Made This Even Harder

One of the problems with modern dating is that it has become incredibly easy to disappear.

You don’t have to tell someone why you don’t want a second date. You can unmatch them. Stop responding. Send a polite “I didn’t feel a romantic connection” text that tells them essentially nothing.

And then you move on to the next person.

There is very little incentive to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone you met once.

I understand why. I’m not suggesting everyone needs to send a detailed performance review after a Hinge date.

But the downside is that people can date for years without realizing they are doing something that is getting in their own way.

This is where trusted friends, coaches, matchmakers, and even former partners can be incredibly valuable, assuming you’re actually willing to hear what they have to say.

Anonymous Feedback Can Tell You What Your Friends Won’t

One of the reasons I found Allison’s approach so interesting is that the feedback can be anonymous.

Because as much as we say we want honesty, honesty has consequences.

Your best friend may have noticed that you become incredibly negative whenever you talk about dating, but she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Your sibling may think your expectations are unrealistic but doesn’t want to start an argument.

Someone you dated may know exactly why the relationship didn’t progress but doesn’t want to deal with your reaction if they tell you.

Anonymity can remove some of that fear.

And again, I’m much less interested in one person’s opinion than I am in patterns.

One person’s feedback can be subjective.

When several unrelated people are telling you the same thing, that’s information.

You don’t have to agree with every piece of feedback you receive. But you should probably be curious about it.

The Other Side of This: How Do You Give Feedback Without Hurting Someone?

Receiving feedback is only half of the equation.

We also need to learn how to give it.

One thing Allison said during our conversation really stuck with me. Before giving someone difficult feedback, make your intention clear.

Something as simple as:

“I have something I want to share with you, and I want you to know I’m saying it with love and kindness.”

That changes the entire tone of the conversation.

Feedback shouldn’t be an attack.

It shouldn’t be, Here are all the things you’re doing wrong.

It should come from a place of, I care about you and I think knowing this could help you.

I’ve experienced this in my own work. I’ve had a client bring something up to me that could easily have made me defensive. But because he approached me gently and communicated what was bothering him clearly, I could actually hear him.

We addressed it. We solved it. And then we moved on.

That’s what healthy communication looks like.

Stop Letting Things Fester

This applies far beyond first dates.

In relationships, people often avoid giving feedback because they’re trying to “keep the peace.”

But avoiding an uncomfortable conversation doesn’t actually create peace.

It creates resentment.

Something small bothers you. You don’t say anything. It happens again. You still don’t say anything. Six months later, you’re furious about something your partner didn’t even realize was an issue.

Healthy relationships require two people who can say:

This bothered me.

This hurt my feelings.

I need something different from you.

And then, just as importantly, they require someone on the other side who can hear those words without immediately becoming defensive.

That doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your partner says.

It means you’re willing to understand their experience.

If You Keep Getting the Same Result, Get Curious

If you’ve been dating for years and every relationship seems to end in the same place, it might be worth asking yourself a difficult question:

What am I not seeing?

Not, What’s wrong with me?

Not, Why doesn’t anyone want me?

But:

Is there a pattern here that I haven’t been able to recognize on my own?

Ask people you trust.

Ask the friend who will actually tell you the truth.

Think about the feedback you’ve received from past partners instead of immediately dismissing it because the relationship ended.

And if multiple people are telling you the same thing, resist the urge to explain it away.

Feedback isn’t a verdict on who you are.

It’s information.

And sometimes that one piece of information is exactly what you need to stop repeating the same dating experience and finally create a different one.

Listen to my full conversation with Allison Brenner on this week’s episode of Dating Rehab, where we go deeper into how to give feedback, receive it without becoming defensive, and use it to build stronger relationships.

For more than a decade, Bumble built its entire identity around one idea: women make the first move.

It was supposed to be empowering. Women didn’t have to sit around waiting for a man to message them. They could take control of their dating lives, decide who they wanted to speak to, and start the conversation themselves.

And now Bumble is essentially saying, "Never mind."

The dating app just announced a major change. Men will now be able to message women first after matching, and the infamous 24-hour expiration window is being extended to 72 hours.

But the most interesting part of the announcement isn’t the feature change.

It’s why Bumble says they’re doing it.

According to Bumble, 66% of the women they surveyed said they would prefer that men initiate the conversation.

In other words, when women were actually asked what they wanted, the majority said: We’d rather he make the first move.

And as a matchmaker, I am not surprised at all.

Empowerment doesn’t have to mean doing everything first

Somewhere along the way, we started confusing equality in relationships with men and women needing to behave exactly the same way in dating.

They aren’t the same thing.

Read more

Everyone wants to know how to be perceived as high value in dating.

What should I wear?
How should I look?
Should I wait to text back?
Should I act less interested?
Should I be harder to get?

And yes, presentation matters. Looking your best matters. Dressing well matters. Taking care of yourself matters.

But none of those things are what actually make someone high value.

Being high value is mostly about confidence. And confidence is communicated through behavior.

You can be wearing a $5,000 outfit and still communicate insecurity within five minutes of meeting someone.

You can also walk into a room wearing jeans and a T-shirt and immediately give off the energy of someone who knows exactly who they are.

After nearly a decade of matchmaking, I’ve noticed that the people who are perceived as the most desirable aren’t necessarily the richest, most beautiful or most accomplished people in the room.

They’re usually the people who don’t seem desperate to convince anyone of their value.

They already believe it.

Stop Chasing People Who Don’t Want to Be Caught

One of the fastest ways to lower your perceived value is to continually pursue someone who is showing you that they’re not that interested.

Read more

The premise was simple. Inflation is high. Rent is expensive. A first date can easily cost over $100. Is the economy causing Gen Z to give up on dating?

My answer surprised them.

I don’t think we’re in a romance recession.

I think we’re in a confidence recession.

After nearly a decade as a matchmaker, I’ve never seen people stop wanting love. In fact, if anything, people want meaningful relationships now more than ever. What I have seen is a generation that’s waiting.

Waiting until they make a little more money.

Waiting until they buy the apartment.

Waiting until they’re in better shape.

Waiting until their career feels more established.

Waiting until life finally feels “together.”

The problem is, that’s not how relationships work.

We’re Looking for Finished Products Instead of Future Partners

One of the biggest shifts I’ve noticed over the past several years is that people aren’t just waiting to become the perfect partner… they’re also looking for one.

Everyone wants someone who already has everything figured out.

The great job.

The emotional maturity.

The beautiful apartment.

The financial security.

The confidence.

The social life.

But healthy relationships rarely start with two people who have already arrived at the finish line.

They start with two people who decide to build something together.

One of my favorite things to tell clients is this:

Stop looking for a finished product. Start looking for a future partner.

The strongest marriages I’ve seen weren’t built because two perfect people found each other. They were built because two imperfect people shared similar values and grew together over time.

We’ve Become Used to Instant Gratification

Gen Z has grown up in a world where almost everything is available instantly.

Food arrives in minutes.

Movies stream immediately.

Packages show up the next day.

A new date is one swipe away.

None of that is a criticism. It’s simply the environment many young adults have grown up in. But it does shape expectations.

Relationships don’t operate on the same timeline.

Trust takes time.

Chemistry often develops.

Intimacy is built through consistency.

Real love has never been something you can order with the click of a button.

Older generations remember waiting. Waiting for someone to call. Waiting to see someone again. Waiting for relationships to naturally unfold.

Today, we’ve become less comfortable with that uncertainty.

If a first date isn’t perfect, we assume the next swipe might be.

If someone doesn’t text exactly when we expect, we wonder if we’ve lost our chance.

Patience has become a dating superpower.

Dating Doesn’t Have to Be Expensive

Yes, the economy has changed.

Rent is higher. Groceries cost more. Going out to dinner isn’t cheap.

But somewhere along the way we’ve confused expensive with meaningful.

Some of the best first dates I’ve ever heard about involved bike rides, gallery hopping, or bringing both their dogs to a park.

The purpose of a first date isn’t to impress someone.

It’s to discover whether you enjoy being around them.

The right person isn’t evaluating whether you spent $200 on dinner. They’re paying attention to how they feel sitting across from you. Spending a lot of money on someone you don’t know is too much pressure for both people. It will feel so much more painful if you don’t get that second date if you dropped hundreds of dollars to impress them.

You can have fun with anyone over drinks and dinner. You could be five dates in and still not scratch the surface on any deeper topics. Simpler dates open the door to go deeper. My favorite date was playing cards at a dive bar. Simple, fun, and playful.

The Biggest Investment Isn’t Money

As a matchmaker, I actually worry less about whether someone can afford a nice dinner than whether they’re willing to make room for a relationship in their life.

Love has always required an investment.

Not just financially.

Emotionally. Mentally. With your time. With your attention. With your consistency.

Those are the investments that create lasting relationships.

Stop Waiting for Life to Begin

If you’re delaying dating because you think you need to have everything figured out first, I’d encourage you to reconsider.

Some of the happiest couples I know built their careers together.

Bought their first homes together.

Learned how to communicate together.

Navigated uncertainty together.

That’s the beauty of partnership.

You don’t need to arrive fully formed.

You simply need to find someone willing to build alongside you.

Because despite what the headlines might say, I don’t believe we’re experiencing a romance recession.

I believe we’re experiencing a confidence recession.

And confidence doesn’t come from waiting until your life is perfect.

It comes from believing you’re worthy of love exactly where you are today.

After nearly a decade as a matchmaker, I’ve asked myself the same question hundreds of times:

Why does it feel so hard for two people who both want marriage, children, and commitment to actually find each other?

People love to blame dating apps. They blame “dating fatigue.” They blame the ratio of men to women in their city. They blame social media.

While all of those things play a role, I think the biggest problem is much simpler.

Men and women are often communicating in completely different languages.

And until we understand how the other person experiences dating, we’ll continue missing each other.

Men tend to lead with how they feel.

One of the biggest misconceptions I hear from women is that men make dating decisions from a rigid checklist.

In my experience, most don’t.

Could there be a few non-negotiables? Of course. Maybe he wants someone who shares his religion. Maybe he knows he wants children, or knows he doesn’t. Those bigger life values matter.

But when it comes to deciding whether he wants to see you again...

He’s usually asking himself a much simpler question:

“How did I feel around her?”

Did he feel relaxed?

Did the conversation flow naturally?

Did he laugh?

Did he feel like he was getting to know a genuinely kind person?

Or did he feel like he was sitting in a job interview?

I’ve watched countless women lose a great man’s interest because they spent an entire first date trying to determine whether he checked every box instead of simply seeing whether they enjoyed being together.

Research consistently shows that first impressions are heavily influenced by warmth, responsiveness, and the feeling someone creates during an interaction, not just what they say. Compatibility often predicts future romantic interest more than objective “mate value” alone.

That’s because attraction isn’t just intellectual.

It’s emotional.

The quality men are protecting most is peace.

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One of the biggest mistakes I see people make in dating is assuming that great chemistry automatically leads to great sex.

It doesn’t.

Just like every other part of a healthy relationship, your physical connection requires communication. No one walks into a relationship already knowing exactly what their partner likes, what makes them feel desired, or what turns them off. That gets built over time.

The problem is that so many people are terrified to have these conversations.

They’re afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings.
They’re worried about sounding demanding.
Or they simply hope things will magically improve on their own.

Unfortunately, they usually don’t.

On the latest episode of Dating Rehab, Sexologist Eszter Tölgyesi and I talk about how to communicate your desires in a way that actually brings you closer together instead of creating distance. Here are the biggest takeaways.

Lead with what they’re doing right.

If the first thing your partner hears is criticism, chances are they’ll become defensive instead of receptive.

Instead, start with something genuine.

“I loved when you kissed me like that.”
“I really liked how connected I felt last night.”

Positive reinforcement is key. It’s showing your partner what makes you feel desired while making them feel appreciated in the process.

People naturally want to do more of what makes their partner happy.

Talk about what you want, not what they’re doing wrong.

There’s a huge difference between saying:

“You’re doing this wrong.”

and

“I really enjoy it when...”

One attacks the person.
The other shares a preference.

Your partner shouldn’t feel like they’re failing a performance review every time you have a conversation about intimacy.

The goal isn’t to criticize them.

The goal is to teach each other.

No one is born knowing exactly how to be your perfect partner.

Don’t wait until you’re frustrated.

Timing matters.

If you’ve spent months quietly building resentment, the conversation will probably come out sounding much harsher than you intended.

The best time to talk isn’t in the middle of an argument or immediately after sex when emotions are heightened.

Find a relaxed moment where neither of you feels pressured or vulnerable.

Think of it as a conversation about your relationship, not a review of your partner’s performance.

Sometimes the problem isn’t physical.

This was one of my favorite parts of the conversation.

Many people think they’re unhappy with the sex when they’re actually unhappy with something else.

Maybe they don’t feel emotionally connected.
Maybe trust has been broken.
Maybe they don’t feel pursued, appreciated, or desired outside the bedroom.

Sex often reflects what’s happening in the relationship as a whole.

Before assuming it’s a physical issue, ask yourself whether there’s something deeper that’s making it difficult to fully connect.

Explore together instead of expecting perfection.

The healthiest couples don’t expect their partner to magically know everything.

They’re curious.

They ask questions.
They laugh.
They experiment.
They give feedback.

Most importantly, they see intimacy as something they’re creating together, not something one person is responsible for getting right every single time.

That mindset changes everything.

Communication Creates Better Intimacy

As a matchmaker, I spend so much time helping people find the right person.

But finding the right person is only the beginning.

The strongest relationships aren’t built because two people are naturally perfect for each other. They’re built because both people are willing to have uncomfortable conversations with kindness, curiosity, and respect.

If you can talk openly about money, children, where you’ll live, and your future together, you should also be able to talk about what helps each of you feel loved, desired, and connected.

Those conversations create intimacy.

I’d love to hear your thoughts after listening to the full episode of Dating Rehab. I think it’s a conversation every couple and every single person preparing for a future relationship should hear.

Eszter can be found on Instagram or at the Center for Love and Sex.

After nearly 10 years as a matchmaker and thousands of interviews with both men and women, I’ve noticed something that almost nobody talks about:

Your online behavior is either helping your dating life or quietly sabotaging it.

People spend countless hours trying to improve their dating profiles, yet they forget that most pote…

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Spend five minutes on social media, and you’ll hear people throwing around the phrase “high-value man.” Usually they’re talking about income, expensive watches, luxury cars, or status. Then you see women who are constantly asking for men to be “providers”. What does a provider really mean? Most people get it wrong.…

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Most people have a strong opinion. Some refuse to even consider someone who lives more than 30 minutes away. Others convince themselves that if it’s “meant to be,” the distance won’t matter.

The truth is somewhere in the middle.

On a recent episode of Dating Rehab, I sat down with author Z.E. Silver, whose relationship with his now-wife began long-distance. What I appreciated about his story wasn’t that he tried to convince everyone that long-distance relationships are easy. Quite the opposite. He was incredibly honest about what it actually takes to make one work.

As a matchmaker, I’ve seen long-distance relationships fail for the wrong reasons—and succeed for the right ones. Geography isn’t usually the biggest obstacle. It’s how two people approach the relationship.

Distance Doesn’t Create Problems. It Reveals Them.

One thing Z.E. pointed out really resonated with me.

When you can’t rely on seeing each other every few days, you’re forced to communicate. You actually have to learn how the other person thinks, how they handle conflict, what they’re looking for, and whether your values align.

In some ways, that’s an advantage.

I’ve seen plenty of couples who live in the same city spend months going on fun dates without ever having the conversations that actually determine long-term compatibility.

Distance forces you to build the emotional foundation first.

Be Honest About What You Want

One mistake I see people make is pretending they’re “just seeing where things go.”

If you’re investing time, money, and emotional energy into traveling to see someone, there should be a conversation about what you’re building together.

That doesn’t mean discussing marriage after two dates.

It means asking questions like:

• Are we dating exclusively?

• Are we both looking for a serious relationship?

• Is someone eventually willing to move if this continues to grow?

These conversations aren’t pressure.

They’re clarity.

And clarity saves people months—or even years—of wasted time.

You Need a Plan

The long-distance relationships I’ve seen succeed all have one thing in common.

They aren’t long distance indefinitely.

There is eventually a plan.

Maybe one person relocates.
Maybe work circumstances change.
Maybe it’s six months.
Maybe it’s eighteen.

But both people know they’re working toward closing the gap.

If neither person is willing to move, or the topic keeps getting pushed further into the future, the relationship often starts to feel like it’s standing still.

Hope isn’t a strategy.

A plan is.

Don’t Let Distance Become Fantasy

One challenge with long-distance relationships is that it’s surprisingly easy to fill in the blanks.

When you only see someone for a long weekend every few weeks, everyone is on their best behavior.

You aren’t seeing how they handle stress.
You aren’t seeing what a random Tuesday night looks like.
You aren’t seeing how they interact with friends, family, or coworkers.

That’s why visiting each other is so important.

Don’t just spend every trip on romantic dinners and sightseeing.

See each other’s real lives.

Meet their friends.
Spend time with family.
Run errands together.
Cook dinner.

That’s when you start learning whether you’re actually compatible—not just whether you have chemistry.

Is It Worth It?

Sometimes.

I’ve seen incredible marriages begin hundreds—or even thousands—of miles apart.

I’ve also seen people spend years waiting for someone who never intended to close the distance.

The deciding factor usually isn’t geography.

It’s whether both people are equally invested in building a future together.

If you’re communicating honestly, making consistent effort, seeing each other regularly, and working toward eventually living in the same place, distance doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker.

But if you’re avoiding important conversations because you’re afraid you’ll scare the other person away, the miles between you probably aren’t the biggest issue.

They’re just making it easier to ignore it.

If you enjoyed this conversation, I highly recommend listening to my full episode with Z.E. Silver. We dive much deeper into long-distance dating, communication, expectations, and what it really takes to build a lasting relationship when you don’t live in the same city. You can find Z.E. on Instagram.

As a matchmaker, one of the biggest disconnects I see isn’t that successful women can’t find successful men.

It’s that the qualities many high-achieving women prioritize in a husband often don’t align with what high-achieving men prioritize in a wife.

I see this every day.

The women I work with are incredible. They’…

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Whether someone is dating, engaged, or married, they’re usually hoping I’ll give them a simple yes or no. The truth is, there isn’t one.

On this week’s episode of Dating Rehab, I sat down with clinical psychologist Dr. Eli Kraiem, who specializes in couples therapy, to talk about what actually makes relationships work—and why so many couples wait far too long before getting help.

One thing he said really surprised me.

Not all couples therapists are actually trained in couples therapy.

Most people assume that if someone is a licensed therapist, they’re automatically qualified to work with couples. That’s not necessarily true.

Dr. Kraiem explained that while many therapists see couples in their practice, most receive very little formal training in relationship dynamics. That’s a problem because couples therapy is completely different from individual therapy.

Helping one person process their emotions is one skill.

Helping two people who are actively triggering each other communicate, repair trust, and change unhealthy patterns is an entirely different one.

If you’re investing your time, money, and hope into therapy, it’s worth asking a few questions before booking that first appointment.

What training do they have specifically in couples work?

What approach do they use?

How much of their practice is actually dedicated to working with couples?

Choosing the right therapist can make all the difference.

Relationships don’t create your wounds. They expose them.

This was probably my biggest takeaway from the conversation.

It’s easy to think your partner is “making you crazy.”

In reality, intimate relationships have a way of bringing unresolved issues to the surface. Past rejection, abandonment, insecurity, family dynamics—they all show up eventually.

That’s why people can spend years in individual therapy, only to discover they struggle with completely different issues once they’re in a serious relationship.

You don’t really know how you show up as a partner until you’re actually partnered.

And that’s exactly why couples therapy can be so powerful. You’re working through those moments in real time instead of talking about them after the fact.

Can you get back together after a breakup?

This is another question I hear constantly.

The answer isn’t simply yes or no.

Dr. Kraiem shared his own story of separating from his now-wife for two years before eventually finding their way back to each other.

What changed wasn’t luck.

They changed.

They grew individually, reflected on what wasn’t working, and came back together as different people.

I see this in my matchmaking practice too.

Sometimes people reconnect because they’re lonely.

Those relationships usually end the same way they did the first time.

But occasionally, two people truly do the work while they’re apart. They take accountability, become healthier partners, and reconnect for the right reasons.

Those relationships have a real chance.

The important question isn’t, “Do I still love this person?”

It’s, “Have the problems that caused us to break up actually been addressed?”

If the answer is no, getting back together usually means repeating the same relationship with the same ending.

Is anything unforgivable?

Every couple has different boundaries.

For some people, infidelity is a dealbreaker.

For others, lying is worse.

For someone else, financial betrayal may be the line they can’t cross.

There isn’t one universal answer.

What matters is whether both people genuinely want to rebuild trust and whether the person who caused the hurt is willing to take responsibility and make lasting changes.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending something never happened.

It means deciding whether rebuilding is possible—and then doing the work required to rebuild.

My biggest takeaway

As a matchmaker, people often assume my job ends once I introduce two people.

In reality, that’s when the real work begins.

Finding someone is only the first step.

Building a healthy relationship requires communication, emotional maturity, accountability, and a willingness to grow—even when it’s uncomfortable.

The strongest couples aren’t the ones who never have problems.

They’re the ones who learn how to solve them together.

If you’re in a relationship that’s struggling, don’t automatically assume it’s over. But don’t assume love alone will fix it either.

Sometimes the right guidance—and two people willing to do the work—is exactly what’s needed.

If you’ve ever wondered whether a relationship can truly be repaired, or you’re curious about what couples therapy actually looks like, I think you’ll really enjoy this conversation with Dr. Eli Kraiem on this week’s episode of Dating Rehab.

https://www.drelikraiem.com/

As a matchmaker for almost ten years, there’s one quality women ask for more consistently than any other:

Money.

After thousands of client screenings, countless conversations with singles, and more debates than I can count with people in the dating industry, I think it’s time we talk honestly about why financial success has become such a dominant requirement—and whether it’s actually helping women find the relationships they want.

Before anyone misunderstands me, let me be clear.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting financial stability. We all want a partner who can contribute to building a secure life. Having a roof over your head, food on the table, and financial peace are important.

But somewhere along the way, financial stability became something different.

For many women, it became, “I need a provider.”

The question is...what does that actually mean?

For some women, it means they grew up watching their father provide for the family and want a similar dynamic in their own marriage. For others, it’s because they’ve become highly educated, built successful careers, and worry about dating men who feel intimidated by their accomplishments. They want someone at their level—or ideally above it.

Those are understandable desires.

But there’s another question we have to ask:

How many men actually fit that description?

According to U.S. Census data, only about 2–3% of Americans earn $250,000 or more per year. Men are overrepresented in that group, but it is still a very small percentage of the population.

Now let’s keep narrowing.

Roughly 40–45% of men between 30 and 50 are unmarried.

If you also want someone who’s over six feet tall, you’re looking at only about 15% of men.

If you want someone who shares your religion, lives in your city, wants children, is emotionally available, attractive to you, and is looking for marriage?

Your dating pool doesn’t just get smaller.

It becomes tiny.

Read more

I’ll hear things like:

“He’s great on paper, but I’m not sure I’m attracted to him.”

Or:

“I’m attracted to her, but I’m not sure she has the right background, education, or career.”

What fascinates me is how quickly we can talk ourselves out of a connection before we’ve even given it a chance.

If you’re going to go on a date with someone, give it 100%.

Before you agree to meet them, make a decision. Either there is enough potential to justify exploring it, or there isn’t.

If you truly believe there is no possibility of a relationship, don’t go. You’re wasting your time and you’re wasting theirs.

But if you’re open enough to say yes to the date, then commit to being fully open.

Stop Looking for Reasons It Won’t Work

Before a first date, I want you to mentally decide that you’re going to look for things to like about this person.

Not reasons they’re wrong for you.

Reasons they could be right.

The reality is that most singles are doing the opposite. They’re looking for evidence that confirms why the match won’t work.

Maybe they’re not the right height.

Maybe they went to the wrong school.

Maybe their job isn’t impressive enough.

Maybe they aren’t your usual type.

The moment those thoughts creep in, stop yourself.

Then force yourself to identify two or three things you genuinely like about them.

Maybe they’re witty over text.

Maybe they love the same sports teams you do.

Maybe they have a close relationship with their siblings.

Maybe they’ve built a life they’re proud of.

Find something.

Anything.

Train your brain to notice the positives instead of automatically searching for the negatives.

Do the Same Thing on the Date

The exercise doesn’t stop once you meet.

You’re sitting across from them and suddenly the critical voice starts up again.

“They looked better in their photos.”

“They’re quieter than I expected.”

“They’re not as charismatic as I hoped.”

As soon as you notice that train of thought, interrupt it.

Ask yourself:

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If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I’m passionate about getting people off the apps and back into real life.

Every week, I hear the same thing from clients:

“I wish there were more ways to meet people in person.”

So... we’re creating one.

On July 21, I’m partnering with Rachel Hechtman, founder of Sober in Central Park, to host High Freq…

Read more

Maybe the names were different. Maybe one worked in finance and another was a creative. Maybe one was six feet tall and another was five-foot-eight. But underneath the surface, they all made you feel remarkably similar.

Anxious.

Uncertain.

Like you were constantly trying to earn their affection.

If you’ve ever wondered why this keeps happening, you’re not alone. I recently sat down with relationship coach John Kenny on my podcast to talk about why we repeat unhealthy dating patterns and, more importantly, how to break them.

One thing John said really stood out to me: most people don’t realize they’re choosing what’s familiar, not what’s healthy.

Your Dating Patterns Didn’t Start in Adulthood

Most people think their dating problems started when they downloaded Hinge or after a bad breakup.

The reality is that many of our relationship patterns were formed long before we ever went on a first date.

The relationships we observed growing up become our blueprint for what love looks and feels like. If chaos, inconsistency, emotional distance, or people-pleasing were normalized in your childhood, those dynamics can feel strangely comfortable in adulthood.

Not because they’re good for you.

Because they’re familiar.

I’ve seen this countless times with clients. They’ll tell me they want a stable, emotionally available partner, but then they’ll become intensely attracted to the person who gives them mixed signals.

The stable person feels “boring.”

The unavailable person feels exciting.

What they’re actually experiencing isn’t chemistry. It’s familiarity.

The Attraction Trap

One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming that strong attraction automatically means strong compatibility.

It doesn’t.

Sometimes that intense spark is simply your nervous system recognizing a pattern it’s experienced before.

Think about the people you’ve been drawn to in the past.

Do they share similar qualities?

Do they all leave you feeling the same way?

Do your relationships tend to follow the same storyline?

The answers can be incredibly revealing.

I often tell clients that if every relationship ends the same way, it’s worth investigating the common denominator. Not to blame yourself, but to understand what you’re unconsciously choosing.

Awareness is where change begins.

Stop Focusing on What You Don’t Want

When I ask singles what they’re looking for, many immediately launch into a list of what they don’t want.

“I don’t want a player.”

“I don’t want someone emotionally unavailable.”

“I don’t want someone who wastes my time.”

While these things may be true, focusing exclusively on what you don’t want keeps your attention on negative experiences from the past.

Instead, try creating a vision of what you do want.

What values matter most?

How do you want to feel in a relationship?

What qualities would make someone a great long-term partner?

What kind of life are you trying to build together?

The clearer you become on these answers, the easier it becomes to recognize someone who actually aligns with them.

Healthy Love Often Feels Different

One of the hardest lessons in dating is accepting that healthy relationships may not feel the way your unhealthy relationships felt.

If you’re used to emotional rollercoasters, consistency can initially feel unfamiliar.

If you’re used to chasing, mutual effort can feel strange.

If you’re used to uncertainty, stability can feel less exciting.

But healthy relationships aren’t supposed to keep you guessing.

They’re supposed to bring peace.

This is something I talk about often when discussing what I call “best friend energy.” The strongest relationships aren’t built on anxiety and drama. They’re built on trust, comfort, consistency, and genuine friendship.

The right person won’t leave you wondering where you stand.

How to Start Breaking the Pattern

If you recognize yourself in any of this, don’t panic.

The goal isn’t to become a completely different person overnight.

The goal is simply to become more conscious of your choices.

Start paying attention to how people make you feel.

Notice when you’re drawn to someone because they’re actually a good fit versus when you’re drawn to someone because they feel familiar.

Question the stories you tell yourself about attraction.

And most importantly, give different types of people a chance.

The relationship that changes your life may not look like the relationships you’ve had before.

In fact, that’s probably the point.

Because if your old patterns were working, you wouldn’t still be searching.

Sometimes finding love isn’t about finding someone new.

It’s about becoming willing to choose differently.

What relationship pattern have you noticed yourself repeating? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

John Kenny can be found at:

https://johnkennycoaching.com/