I wake up all unmasked, unscratched, incomplete

no, no, not searching for one either too.

I always had carried the weight all along,

I had to be my own rescue, my muse—

long enough to avoid searching for someone.

So i strap the rebel enough for sun not to near my skin any closer

I never been one to surrender when it comes to warmth of closeness

Loud, detached and full reckless of life,

I only hold the ones who are in drowning while i stand in deep

I make sure i hold everyone’s pain while nobody look at mine

 only make sure they see the sinner but never the wound.

xoxo,

Apoorva.

My father is full of strength, he takes the bull by horns,
but most of the days i starve for that and breathe
into every fault he is.
he is not just traditional of neat words you can fit into,
nor anyone can be rare exception to free his true colors.

He is the same man who taught me how to spread my wings 
then made damn sure I'd never learn another thing from him
Is he the version who lashes out, spitting words that taste like glass shards,
a burning anger, a rage of a wounded tiger
scolding us for our own good?

but as soon as the venom subsides, the scene shifts,
turning all soft and dotting, calm the second he walks into the family.
he exploits me for audience, trading me for his pride
and holds this way  as how he loves me.

While rewriting his misgnogy behind his idealized culture 
and ancient rules that are so, long dead.

I am his favorite prop, his trophy for attention
sweet tongued, open hearted, submissive----
called chinna only when I stay dumb and small enough for his liking.
But the moment I stand tall, I am just like his wife.
Only worse.
Always worse, with each moment and second that passes by.

His values aren't holy, they're extinct too.
He regrets having a daughter,
yet still brainwashes me with lectures upon being perfect, being good.
while busy cheering for everyone else's children, 
leaving me with inveitable lesson that in his 
eyes, I am nothing.

he lives like a guest underneath our roof,
It's not a home you can call
a family that just exists.

Irony how i ended up being angry while writing this.
how I ended up not finding softer ways to describe him.
while every cell in my body is burning and 
dying about him

There's no solitary comfort here too.
There's no "maybe I am not him"
They say when you grow up, your heart dies.

Tell me I am not hallucinating,
Tell me I am not insane from denial,
Tell me you can see it too
The right moment I turned cold,
The right way my chest went numb

I could be him, maybe.
A part of his venom was passed down to me
like Blood
stood alive, waiting for me inside.

And even after all these words,
these glass shards, these long dead rules, this rage-
could not, would never ever be enough
to describe the damage he has done already

XOXO,

Apoorva

[ for readers : Thank you tons and tons for holding space for the anger, the glass shards and the truth never meant to be hidden and reading this with me, I hope you found yourself the same who was forced to shrink themselves and carry this together. if this mirrors any part of you - the great news is you were never avoiding it and you were never alone either, You’re here and present. I’m glad you made it till here. this is one of my rant/practice poems that i decided to put on sub instead of my diary. ]

Head underwater.

The sky above me looks gloomy and grey,

the trees swayed by the air.

​My eyelids feel heavy--begging, urging

to find solace in the dark.

Without noticing, or trying hard at all,

my cold coffee loses its icy edge.

​Then, a song playing from my phone

snaps me out of focus,

like cold water splashed across my face.

-xoxo,

Apoorva.

The light weight of my leather diary

The delibrate, noisy sound of fan above me

The lingering memory of the “bus stop”

Which was barely just a “stop”

The way the ache crawls

Straight into my chest and stomach

Settled like bridge that wasn't broken down.

I am the storm that split the canopy

The reason two people became strangers

I left a scar on a name I used to hold

Now, my hands are so afraid of their

own weight that

They promise never to touch again.

My dear gorgeous and shinning star,

Firstt of alll and alll and alll,

Thankkkkk youuuu for stayinggg in myyyy lifeee, if it weren’t for just only destinyy but atleast we ended up under the same sky forever.

Thankkk youuu for your precious existence happen to ruin me for anyone else.

Thankkk youuu for being yourself because I worship and written the art of you within myself before I ever learnt your name.

Thankkk youuu for being my butterfly to her sunset.

Thankkk youuu for beingg my blair to her serena.

Thankk youuu for beingg my vampire barbie to her Bon-Bon .

Thankk youuu for beinggg my taylor to her selena.

Thankkk youuu for beinggg my aditi to her naina.

Thankk youu being the first person who made sure every emotion was real and complete.

Thankkkk youu for becoming the worthy of being the last hope and the last person to know if i ever were to bleed and rot in corspse.

Thankk you for being the reason why my long, long, long buried dreams of having a bestfriend, a unbiological sister, in a beautiful and quietest, realest way of this connection with you happened after burying it deeply lost in undying decades in a way it took time granted for good to echo again on surface again.

[P.S : even i was never made to believe and deserve all these beautiful things as a lonelist and flawed person].

I’m writing this to and about you because and despite yet again, I promised the world will never move forward and carried on without pouring my soul, heart and swelling love, selfish urge to be loud about you, into this my love letter, like never.

[lowkey this isn’t a love letter only, “Mine” by taylor swift is dedicated to her💗💗💗]

I wish I never met you. not in a wrong way, in a way that you make me feel every emotion and overriden. In a way I thought I was never worthy of finding this again and never. In a way you go out of your way to protect me as i was about to jumping off the edge and drowning ten feet deeper in ocean. In a way your presence silences and make all the nasty demons in my head listen obediently around you. In a way you are the rarest and last person ever in my world of attracting the same people. In a way you open my eyes out in world of people blindsided me. In a way my heart felt shallow and ached the next fleeting moment, I left your place after we spent a fulfilled day of hanging out and pausing as no men, no trauma, no academic pressure, none of our problems in our life mattered. it was just our tiny safe, fun, little and beautiful world to find us circle back to eachother to bask in warmth of eachother. these small and big moments that never happened with anyone but you. I never had my first friend house visit and had lunch as we ordered from outside each damn time whenever we hang out. each damn time, each second passes by i kept replaying the conversations and gossips that stayed between us and in my head rent free building a real estate, despite we forgot there were 1 billion idk people who lived. I always find myself replaying like audiotape, the moments we shared in back of my head and echoed in my heart painfully as it was past me. I always go through our photos each time we took when we hang out. to be honest, I emptied or sometimes i paid to increase my storage and never really took a photo just to keep every photo of you and along with very less few others. I admire every second and state, part of moment when we turn messy and real, when we overshare like we question boundary. we love eachother unconditionally when love got no limits. we don’t just love, we silently understood eachother in times when our longing and presence is louder. when i need you to be there. not to fight. not to argue. not to fix. just being yourself infront of me when I’m falling apart and I’m holdin’ onto you like it’s the last thing left to protect and hope.

I always been the person who never deserved friendship, regardless of the beliefs as i set to my life default. I always been the person who stood in a party like open wound and with faking a perfectly unreadable smile, learning to find something to “enjoy” with zero company as by unbearably watching other girls who were laughing their lungs out, hugging eachother with their bestfriend and cracking jokes who knows of what. I dreamt on having a bestfriend and remaining hopeless that I would be deserving one. sometimes I used to wonder as it goes “why me?” suprisingly, In ruthless state of denial and it sounds incredibly new of me to have precious thing. Maybe I am reacting like this because I was used to making people leave as I always first to stay and remain misunderstood, a complete mystery.

But also you are the reason why this miraclous intrepretation of this loop happened.

Even I fully destroyed every part of me who ever yearned to be loved and to be cool, adjustable and happy with that, give the same love to others who feel like they never deserved it, seeing one happier as the ghost of me being happy as i gave it to others.

But back to you, again [heheh].

Have you ever heard of the girl who carried oceans under her skin and magic in her finger tips?

Yes, She’s the girl who carries oceans under her skin, the smooth waves swimming like her hair. her presence feels like the shoreline. steady, familiar. you return without realizing you needed to, But there’s a breathtaking heaviness you don’t know. storms they bury beneath the surface. In a way she holds you without questioning, like the glistening water calmly brushing against your skin. She could only pull you without trying. Never to drown you, but to make you forget where you ended and where she began. She’ll make you stay. how something so gentle, can be so endless? Her hands don’t glow but somehow they heal. As if everything touches, it might be breaking already.

Oceans can only never soft too.

Oceans aren’t just beautiful only. It’s a doorway to it.

She is beautiful only because when she doesn’t behave beautifully.

There’s something messy about her that doesn’t concern who’s watching too.

But Still, I love her. God.

In a way I don’t fully understand yet but something that can undo me without ever meaning to.

About her it wasn’t just safety and convinent. It was about standing at edge of something vast and endless, still staying anyway.

Even knowingly it could swallow you whole.

I’m a complete open sinner and she’s a great true saint who doesn’t just brings heaven, but reminds it still exists in between her patience and the way she sees me by never turning away.

I am not a sinner to be saved but she’s a saint that I’ll never stop myself sacrificing for.

But when we meet,

Something gentler survives, even chaos—- as i learn the form of calm again within myself.

She is enamored by purple galaxies and stars.

She is made of stardust. She can make silence sigh. A walking supernova. Each time i wonder why universe chose her when all the galaxies simply exist around her. like everything at once.

She is like the universe moving, the kind it never stops expanding and remains impossibly brighter.

She expands without asking.

She stays herself unapologetically without desire of wanting to be understood completely.

She makes me want to be undone without meaning it fully or understanding yet. it doesn’t have to actually, because there’s something unreal about her, like you fully never know but somehow she carries all of it.

She is my rukmini and I’m her krishna

She is the diva and physical form of rukmini who has been reborn

She’s my platonic wife. Not just my bestie too-

[AH. DAMN MAN, I WISH I MARRIED HER.]

You can never replace her. not a person like her. i can swear this over my life. over god.

We were talking about this, about living this one day as we were grateful to live today-

I told her one day, maybe in our Late 30’s or 20’s as you’re happily married after achieveing everything that was almost possible and your dreams, everything. where I did too. I am not married, due to my reasons but Long story, short. I survived and I am happier [she knows, I don’t have to explain].

I’d be there to yap to my niece and my nephew yapping about how she had that moment of your life that concert day I was missing you as it felt like was trying so hard to heal a painful distance as our calls, our messages, the dirty jokes we cracked, the way we gossiped. you did learn every scar, every chapter, every version as you knew me. I knew you. I let myself down enough that felt like first time to live again. There was nothing to perform or fake a thing.

While the soft winds, sunrise, that cozy fog surrounding around your house, the birds chirping as they fought, your house had this beautiful furniture that reflected each pieces of you and my anna [aka my brother in law]. the essence of the aggarbati filling my nostrils and every corner of the room, TV with IPL match playing in the background while here I was getting impatient and sitting on my knees crossing over the sofa in the most comfortable position as i was cursing over the batting, I was in my own saree, a new hair style like the wavy Bob with caramel highlights I’d swore over my life and you that i would do and get that, sickly for sure.

As Time was running out, I wonder and waited impatiently when will you show yourself while the match was going on, those snacks in huge bags of snacks and toys waited too. [You know i spoil endlessly], even i brought those lip sticks and eyeshadow, anything you asked to, just like that simply and immediately., maybe something your husband loves too. hotwheels? something nerdy and niche, based on what you said.

Your kids were asleep or the bedroom door was closed. Weekly vacation. I was the one who was getting bored and stretched with impatience. I had 15 things to talk about— of my annoying neighbour, my stupid colleague who turnt out to be more dumber as exposed, the family gossip, the news about eloped couple, the one lip stain i saw and tried too— on Tira or sephora ‘cause you knew how much I simply brought the expensive stuff, about taylor swift, about my college friends even though we weren’t in college anymore, the “ghost” i caught while i was busy eating what i made for myself, in balcony across the apartment, alot of things. I needed coffee because i already had tea here. As i was thinking and cursing internally over the batting— then you interpretted, i was pulled out of my thoughts simply which i was trying so “hard” to do it. you did it in split of millisecond. thank you again. i sighed for first time and smiled with that signature childlike, goofy and sweet edge, the spark in my eyes never lied as my pupils expand when i saw you. I said our team was going down and you threw a tantrum so i joined doing the same. cursing at god mostly, we were so chaotic and fast to react like that, hahah. Then, we completely forgotten your husband existed as your husband got terrified of us. especially, he atleast seemed to be suprised. when he took a glimpse me, he knew what was coming. a ragebait or a harmless harassment maybe hehe. from me. specifically. Oh, I always had the biggest appetite for ragebait than my casual appetite.

Your husband. he was busy preparing being off to work and he seems to be smug and relaxed besides it’s his team which was dragging our team down to hell and indugling in our reactions while he was preparing for his comeback more [lowkey, he wanted to get the best out of our reaction to please himself, remind you we were far far far more better than that]. you guys were doing well regardless of the clashes and times when you have all the peace to yourselves. I get jealous or possesive sometimes wondering why did he have to steal you, when you got married to me first **eye roll** . besides, I never seem to let go of my rukmini. she never let go of her krishna. that was the end of the discussion. this was a irreplaceable bond.

Some things never change, funny and cute that despite we’ve grown to ripe age of 20’s or 30’s but our habits and things remained unchanged.

The air changed, as the door slammed open as my eyes shoot to direction of it-

Thennnnn, there were my precious babies. my beautiful niece and my handsome nephew. My heart dropped the moment i lost, about the match and gasped excitingly and in awe as those big bunch of cuteness entered the living room. this is the precious moment i been waiting for. to see these cuties that fill my heart like the void that ached to be filled for longer time. they were being noisy and chattering, adorable as they exist— in the calm morning that was so annoyingly quiet. I guess this the chaos and noise that kills silence is what answers.

I noticed a few new things, my nephew’s hair grew larger. enough for me to cuddle with him more and enough for him to give a hairmakeover next week, My niece grew more chubbier and new skin glow, the eyes of hers which never go unnoticed as she looked so much like you. damn, I’ve regretted that I missed a week with y’all where i should’ve been taking y’all out to random places, restaurants, beach trips and playing board games, fighting over what we have to order then my anna means your husband will intrepret us but sadly, his futile attempts to calm us down will die after it as we wouldn’t love the idea or mind him ordering for us, as we sigh in pure frustation and give up completely and his laugh followed—napping, playing dress up, randomly recreating scenes from movies or shows we all loved, dancing imperfectly or syncing to the hooksteps perfectly, building lego houses or tent house, vlogging so much and we wouldn’t sleep all night, yap yap about life as we share our school drama, cool stories and they’d be like “Ohhhhhh mom/aunt, you did that?” and your husband annoyed and done with the noise coming from our room as he enters with annoyed, drowsy face, screaming with that tone of his— indicating we were disturbing his sleep as he is in the room, I threw a pillow at him to shut him up first and everyone would’ve laughed breathlessly, the rest chaos unwrapped.

Also telling stories that your great aunt killed for adventure and chaos, arguments and we couldn’t do anything less more. These kids would’ve loved a week of ice cream and gossips from school like crushes, drama and love stories. so, I brought so many boxes so i would spend all my week for part of cutesy chit-chat with them. because, people my age still struggled to go in for kill for these kind of simple conversations and ice creams—- communication issues or socializing issues [whatever-] we call it. I neverminded it as i understood as always.I do love talking. I still actually loved having more company too but not as special with these cuties and their mother, father and with my sister, very few less others separately but they have the best gossip. just like their mother. I am a good listener too as follows perfectly. I always went down for these adorable pumpkins ka gossip and spending the week by watching their mother’ favorite movies as Hi nanna , ok bangaram and padi padi leche manasu, Aashiqui 2.

we have many many many many manyyyyyyyyyyyy dreams to happen and live.

This will happen one day but at the same time, we should never forget to live today and be grateful for today to happen too for good and bad stories right?

We know we live for the hope of all. I will be there. always. You will be happier after acheiving every dream of yours that sounded almost possible but

In the end of the day, you got everything you deserved better beyond impossible.

I’m not the one who deserved friendships and bonds completely. but i know deep down, somewhere deep in my soul that i before learnt to deserve or accept it, drowning in denial like 10 feet deeper, you were written for me. only you. always you. i don’t think or that never can be replaced.

You gave me everything, nothing perfect or what needed must to believe but everything that made sense to believe i could still befriend.

the best, worst, every thing without leaving a crumb.

even i’m stupid “blabbering” about the fact i never deserved friendship and embracing, gently holding the dark and brightest parts of mine and still staying myself completely to core.

i could still talk with anyone and still be myself, start again.

but there’s no one and will that ever happen to take your place in my heart and soul, memory.

because you were the one who taught me beautifully and uniquely on that.

That will always remain special reason why I will tell the world it was never just about the friendship, it’s about the person who alone made it expectionally special and worth believing about friendships and made it easy to breath to believe in it even you couldn’t find yourself believing it.

You always fought for us, you always stayed when i couldn’t keep up because i was scared and staying, even i was on edge, even you were bending, so did I— to save us because we both knew we could work, still. in this mess. in this chaos. in our hardest times. in the times where universe wasn’t really keeping up with us and in any situation.

because this is what best friends are for, you still saw the worst in me and didn’t turn away. i was in awe and scared, guilty, digusted, angry at myself— but i still—holding on because you are the only reason that mattered to stay.

I stayed, tried pulling away because i was disgustingly and terribly scared where would I ruin a beautiful and graceful soul of yours? even knowing uncomfortably, i am not myself completely to nature right now yet i fought my demons to keep you safe and sound.

I won’t ever leave you in the dark shadows that will try to prey away that bright, shinning and light spark of your soul and even it means absorbing them and becoming to protect you entirely.

If you can’t fight for someone who you love? what is the point of loving someone so special?

I didn’t care what was consuming me. I didn’t care what was gnawing at me.

You will never be unwritten by me. not in this life, not in next life.

If i ever to learn to believe in friendship, I hope I will return to next life because i will believe in friendship again if it’s you especially.

You don’t know what is like to believe in friendship in someone again and again who laughed eachother when we were drowning in our problems that didn’t matter or vanished for good pause of a moment, to steal your food when you’re distracted, to overshare completely, be yourself when you don’t have become another person to “fix”, stand when it feels like the end of the world, to steal hugs and small things that reminds you of them and , see eachother’s worst side and still fight for eachother, stay even we feel like we can’t do it, creating pinterest boards that of our favorites, dancing with the songs we love, creating vlogs that we treasure the most, hangout and having to eat and talk together in their houses while we share our day to eachother, throwing birthday party for someone who never had it with her friends, cheering up loudly in a room of empty people, singing out loud as we sing the lyrics, talking about life and switching between life and brainrot, wasting time with them turns into biggest joy, walking alone in places that remind of them and the moments we shared that ache deeply, seeing specific things that remind of them dearly, sending tutorials to teach other, keeping makeup for first time because they did it for first time, all these small things that I never had, you gave me so much to believe alot than enough!!!——also reminding eachother why platonic friendships like this exist simply and beautifully, reassuring them in times of and how beautiful, rare—-that one of a kind of platonic love which is found in friendships but not in love only.

Thank you so much my dear, my shinning star— for offering me this bond and friendship, i will always appreciate, genuinely support all the damn time, i will always have faith in you no matter what, i will always accept you the way you are, I will always worship you the ground you walk on, I will love you unconditionally and completely— just the way you are, i will always fight for you, i will always protect you like it’s last thing to die, i will always be there to hear your day and validate everything and let you be, i will always respect you because don’t you dare ever question it, trust me. i will always be there to hold you in times you are falling apart, i won’t let you survive alone in the dark times, i always will love that rosy and cute smile of yours, i will always love how i will always explain what a friendship means to me because of you, i will always listen to one of my favorite taylor swift songs that dedicate to you, i will see the pinterest pins that remind me of you and your favorites,—-save them because it reminds me of you, i will not let you down ever or i will be your shoulder if you were to lay down and rest, i will always cherish this constantly because i will tell the whole world about you, thank you for making my life better just being in it. all our conversations mean world to me, all our moments, everything, words aren’t enough for me to explain how much I am luckier to have you—-Thank you for being in my life sooooooooooo muchhhhhhhhhhhhh

You know who you are.

And Always remember this for lifetime and forever that,

If i ever bleed, You’ll be the first and last to know.

I love you to the moon and back💗💗💗💗💗

XOXO,

Your appuu, aka apoorva🌇