It was the same ER hospital that almost a year ago I came to get my distended belly checked to ease mine and my husband’s mind… or so we thought. It led to the revelation of tumours inside and stage 4 cancer. I made it to a year, but unfortunately not any better still. This time fighting the growth of the tumours since then. My body is different now too, it has gone through the works of lots of treatments, but I’m still here because of the grace of God.

The ER visit showed a lot of lower numbers: low energy, low white blood count, low potassium, but thankfully no infection. They had me hooked up to hydration, potassium, anti- nausea medications to boost my energy from not being able to eat for over a week and still throwing up whatever I tried. I left the hospital a bit better and talking over with my Palliative doctor the next day, created a new plan going forward to make sure I was okay for chemo on the Tuesday. I’m thankful for this relationship with my Palliative doctor and the care he has shown me on this journey. He has been my advocate to my Oncology team.

Tuesday arrived and they decided that my numbers were still too low and while they had me there, to keep me on more IV infusions of medications to make sure I’m strong enough. During those infusions, I threw up twice more. It was a good thing I didn’t end up having chemo that day after all. This is the second time I have had to miss a chemo treatment since starting on this new chemo that is supposed to help with the growth of the tumours. Even when we don’t see it and feel it, God’s at work. He knew I needed that recovery because my body couldn’t handle it with all that’s been going on lately. Days later after trying some new medications from my doctor, I started to regain my energy and strength and appetite. Once my appetite was back, I was feeling better.

I was back at the cancer centre once again. This time was different. I had more energy and everything went more smoothly. Exactly a year ago today was when I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. This was the day that changed my life. Instead of feeling sad about it, I sat there with all these people that have their own stories and was just filled with gratitude. I’m still here. Things definitely didn’t go as planned. I am not cancer free. My tumours have gotten larger, but my faith has gotten even bigger than that as well. God has been so good no matter what. He has shown up in this year through many people in my life that I have known for years, just met and haven’t even met. I was filled with emotions of love, peace and gratitude and filled to tears waiting there. He has shown me a strength I never even knew was even possible. This kind of peace and gratitude in such a time can only be explained by His work.

My mind can easily get lost. A year later, feeling like you are back where you were but this time with no plan for what’s ahead. Back then, there was an end to chemo, surgery, something to look forward to. This time is different. Chemo Indefinitely had a stronger sting. I am filled with even more questions with no answers. I shift my mind in the mindset of complaining to one of gratitude and it has shifted me from a place of fear and anxiety to a place of peace that can’t really be explained. I have been reflecting on the Psalms and it has shown me and my family peace.

“In peace I will lie down and sleep for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safely.”
Psalm 4:8

“Ingratitude is a casual despising of the sovereignty of God.” Proverbs 31 Ministries

When we grumble and complain, we are saying that we don’t like what God’s doing and thinking we can do better. The thing is I wouldn't even be able to get through these times if it wasn't for the peace He has given me in them. I needed to shift my mind from the problems and think about how far God has brought me. He is still working and not done yet. In this past year, I have not felt alone. God has brought many people my way and an immense amount of support, love and prayers our way. God has shown me that even in the midst of this hardship, I can have peace. I’m grateful for all of you who have been a long this journey with me. Although my future is unknown to me, it doesn’t mean it is unknown to God. Who can really say they know exactly how their life will turn out anyways? No matter what happens, God is still in control. He is the same God. When you’re faced with a difficult situation, all you can see is what’s in front of you. There is what you see and then what we don’t see that God is doing. He is still at work. He is at work and in the right time, we will know why it all happened the way it did. Through the storms and hardships of this past year, He has sustained me and that is a miracle in itself. God has given me everything I have needed even though I am sick.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

This year has gone slow and fast all at the same time. If I’m being honest with myself, I always wanted to rush through and get to an outcome, but that isn’t what happened. The “end” of treatment wasn’t really an end, it was a new beginning for something else but with the hardship and trial still on hand. But I’m okay because I know He’s not done yet and with every new beginning of something else, He is still working.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” James 1: 2-3

This doesn’t mean that trials are going to be done quickly, but we need to give it time to do its work. While this year has felt long, I have persevered because of Him. It has pushed me to a limit and trusting that I am in no control of what is ahead of me. It pushes me into a limit where God can meet me and provide me the endurance. Healing takes time. God has been healing me and while in the physical, it may not seem like it, in all other aspects of my life, He has allowed me to heal, grow and persevere.

“No pain in your life will ever be wasted.”

Through the pain and trials, it has grown a grace and peace in me that can only be explained through the power of God. When my kids look at me, I don't want them to see just the hardships of the day, but the grace of God and peace that is there in spite of being sick. My son has been showing me gratitude. He sees the blessings that people have been pouring onto us during this year and he has told me. I’m so grateful He can see it even though I know it has been hard for him to see me like this. He told me he gets worried about me, but he knows that God can still move the mountains when I was talking to him tonight. It's in these moments that I only see God that my son can show me that kind of faith in the midst of this. Looking back at these pictures in this past year hits differently. It was hard, but I was able to do it and I know that there's still so much more life to give and live. I'm in year 2 of this journey, new treatment, new hardships, same loving God that hasn't left my side.

I’m grateful for one more day. A song of my heart these days. Click to listen:

One More Day

My loving wife Arabelle was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Dedifferentiated liposarcoma to be exact. Close to 30 cm in size when we first found out the size of ONE of the tumors taking over her stomach.

Yet here we are and continuing the battle alongside God.

The oncologist said right from the get go that this wasn’t going to be a cake walk or walk in the park. Treatment had to begin immediately. 6 rounds of 2 of the most aggressive chemotherapy treatments for the next 4-5 months.

Unfortunately the treatments did not go as planned, but there was a plan B. For 5 months this maintenance drug seemed like it was working until it wasn’t. Results from the latest CT scans were not promising.

Plan C, try an alternative chemotherapy treatment.

And that’s where Arabelle stands right now.

Every hospital wristband kept represents something.

Heartaches, separation, sadness, loneliness, pain, suffering, frustration, uncertainty, missed opportunities, missed moments, every needle prick, every hair strand shed, every helping hand, every shared meal, every prayer to God, every cry, every tear shed, strength, resilience, patience, love, and every bit of hope showing how far faith can take you. There is still a lot of grace left through all this suffering. No matter what, God continues to be our rock.

Arabelle is not alone in this and we will continue to fight together. That bell will be rung!

Thank you all for the continued prayers and loving support.

Continuing to let go of everything and leaving it all to God.

I didn’t think I would be at this point again. It looked a lot differently this time. When I began chemo for the first time almost a year ago, it was with what the doctors called the “heavy hitter”. They gave me the hardest and strongest stuff and in double agents and doses. I would get admitted to the chemo floor for impatient care and would be doing chemo everyday for 4 full days. It led to stopping the 4 days at mid point. I still completed 6 rounds-32 chemo treatments in 6 months. This took me back. I forgot how busy the cancer clinics were on Mondays. It was so busy listening to all that was going on as I reflected on what I did before. This time was different. I thought with the “heavy hitter” I would be in a much different situation than I am at almost a year since diagnosis. It didn’t work. It didn’t shrink and I couldn’t get my surgery. I thought that was the end of chemo since they said that’s all we can give you. I went through 6 months of chemo and then was given a “maintenance” pill as an inhibitor to hopefully stop future growth. A pill that people have been on for years to help preserve their life. At almost 5 months, 7 full cycles of it, it stopped working for me.

I had peace before, during and after in the waiting for my CT Scan results. I didn’t think that coming in for the results would lead to such a different path than it was for the last 5 months. At first, Dr. S noted he was concerned with the growth of the tumour in the central area of my stomach and how we would monitor it. My last scan at the end of March was stable and even showed some shrinkage. It took two months since then for this to grow larger. This was in the same timeframe that I was feeling heavier (even though my weight was stable) but my appetite in the mornings was pretty much non existent. I would force myself to eat or have a smoothie or a tea. This all aligned and made more sense when hearing about the tumour growth. This was the first time in almost a year and lots of scans later to hear the tumours have grown.

He opened the CT Scans from March to the most recent one at the end of May. Zooming in, focusing on the growth. It was significant. This wasn’t even the original tumours first found that were huge, giving no margin for even a possibility for surgery. If this smaller central tumour could grow this large in 2 months, if something is not done now, it could spread to even more of my organs. In shock and disbelief, I asked, “what needs to be done?” He said, “I don’t think we should wait any longer and start a new medication on Monday.” I asked, “What is this new medication?” He replied, “Chemo.” If we already did the heavy hitter and it hit me hard and put me through the works, what is the point of trying a new chemo? I thought back and fear came over me at this point. Then, I remembered the verse I’ve held onto since starting this journey.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Dr. S senses tension in my reaction and right away says that this chemo is not as strong as before but strong enough to stabilize your tumour growth. You can even take it for longer periods of time. “How long will I be on this for?” He firmly replied, “Indefinitely until it stops working. I have someone on this for 2 years right now.” That’s a lot to take in, silence and stability for 5 months with no hopes of surgery, but feeling “better.” I was able to live life with the family, go to church, see more people and feel comfortable in this new normal of just living with the “belly.” Now, I hear I will be back on chemo on Monday. This will change the routine for me, my husband and kids again in hopes my quality of life with them will continue to be okay. More hospital visits, more long drives and traffic, more waiting, more chemo and more hope and faith needed.

“Faith is continuing when your strength is weak.” P. Matt Rohr

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake for Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12: 9-11

I’m tired. I’m not just physically tired from chemo(which has made me exhausted), but tired of the situation I am in and having the strength. That’s the thing, even when my strength is weak, I choose to believe and have faith in the one who gives me that strength. My situation may have changed, but God hasn’t. I just need to continue to look to Him, especially when I don’t have the strength anymore. I find myself in these moments lately of reflecting and putting my faith and trust in the unknown; that’s all I got. When your life is being tested everyday, you begin to question if you’re even worth it. Does sharing my experience even matter? God then places people in my path; people I've known or never even met that encourage me with their own journey. In how God allowed my story to even give them hope and faith. I know God's hand is on it and I know God places many people in our paths for a reason. I’m grateful and thankful to have more people I can include in my prayers. God shows up and reminds you that you’re still here even in the midst of these hardships and suffering, you are still here! We will have setbacks and we may feel at a loss of what to do next. Let us be reminded…

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3: 5-6 This is the Bible’s way of saying Let go and Let God. - Kenneth Peterson

I woke up feeling tired, barely able to get out of bed. I took my anti-nausea medications and felt a heavy pressure in my head pushing me down. The weight of these moments, chemo, brain fog, anxiety and worries adding to the weight. Hands trembling, numbing and nerve piercing. This causing me to not be able to hold my phone long, type and write. What is this feeling… another side effect of chemo. I wasn’t even sure I would be able to write anything. I took a moment to shower to see if that would make me feel better. While washing my hair that had finally grown back in to somewhat of a pixie cut, shed in clumps once again. In just under a year since diagnosis, I’m back where I started. But I’m still here. Stronger. Not by my own strength because I don’t have enough of that anymore. I don’t think I ever really did. Anything that has allowed me to get this far in this hard journey has all been God. While I experience this all over again, it’s something new once again. I will continue to focus my mind and my heart on Him above. I’ve gone almost a whole year of nothing going to planned, no good news, no recovery, no healing, But God has allowed me to still be here. He has provided my every need for me and my family without even asking. My husband reminded me that things may not have gone to plan according to the doctors or what we would have wanted, but God’s plans are still greater and according to His plans, you’re still here with us right where you need to be. I have to keep fighting. He will fight with me. Every literal breath is from Him. If the cancer slays me, He will lay me. But for now, I will live because He's given me life.

I first heard about his story while listening to a worship devotional app where there would be a song and a devotion to go with it. Horatio was a successful lawyer that lost his fortune in the great Chicago fire in 1871. He also lost his son from scarlet fever around the same time. He sent his wife and four daughters on a ship to England for a trip to get away from all that’s been happening to run into the unthinkable. He was hoping this would help and would meet with them later. Unfortunately, that same ship his wife and four daughters were on, sunk. His four daughters lost their lives along with many others on that ship but his wife was able to survive. As he was on the ship on his way to meet his wife, he passes the exact spot where the shipwreck happened, his heart was filled with words of encouragement and those words became the famous hymn, It is well.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way, 
When sorrows like sea billows roll, 
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to know
It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well- Horatio Spafford

Can you imagine going through such tragedies and have your heart and mind fill with these words of comfort and be able to say, It is well after everything. It can only be God who can make that possible. I was encouraged and shared this story with my husband, sister, brother and dad. I have listened and sang this song many times growing up in the church. Thinking about it now puts a different take on God’s power and peace flowing when everything else around you is a mess. I felt compelled to write about this. When I heard this story it was a time that I needed to hear it. I was thinking about what more can be done for me. What more is there if this pill stops working and the cancer spreads. A recent second opinion has left me with the same result and conclusion. I’m so thankful that this outlet has allowed me to reconnect with an old church friend from 16 years ago in Korea who offered her help a long with her husbands for a second opinion at another cancer centre in the states. God is so good for sending her my way even after some time. I am glad that even though the results were pretty much the same, I at least know that the care I’m getting where I am aligns with theirs. I’m thankful for the opportunity and the prayers she has provided me anyways. It’s just hard sometimes getting an answer that is not really an answer. This is why hearing the meaning behind this song and how it was written inspired me. It is well even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Then God sends me another reminder, as I watched a movie with my husband days after, this same story unexpectedly came up again. Horatio’s story shows so much hope and faith when faced with the unthinkable that it helped another man through his cancer journey as he was writing a song. While I can’t be a song writer or singer, this song inspired me to share it in my joyful sorrow as well. As I continue to battle cancer and face the unpredictable in life, I try to remind myself that It can be well even through this storm. I am 10 months in since diagnosis. Still inoperable. Still incurable. Still stage 4. Still alive. Reaching this point has felt harder for me. Maybe it’s because I lost my mom 10 months after she was diagnosed with ALS when we were told she had at least 2-5 years. While that was already a hard prognosis to hear, it was even harder watching her wither away much quicker. Here I am, given less than that; 18-24 months without surgery and still “okay”. I try to not think about that much but this Mother’s day, I felt it, thinking about her and how my 10 months since diagnosis was looming. In these same days, my son has been asking me more questions about cancer. Why do I still have it? Will my belly ever get smaller again? Will I have surgery to get it out? He knew a little more about surgery in general at his age because he almost had one himself for his scoliosis and as he likes to remind me, God healed him, so he didn’t have to.

His prayers at night constantly include the plea and hope of healing for me. It’s been harder for us (my husband and I) to be able to communicate all that’s been going on with me to him at his age (6). But he doesn’t see weakness, he sees strength. He reminds me before every appointment to be brave and not be afraid like David (from the bible). He sees me strong enough to play with them, be with them and chase sunshine and joy in this nice weather as he rides his bike. He doesn’t understand how in some days, I am filled with a lot of energy and in others I just don’t have any energy at all. Those are the days I need to fight to have it in me. Those are the moments I even realize that while I am more “okay” than I was, I still have this disease eating away at me and I’m not the same.

I look in the mirror and I still grieve the person I was. I still don’t recognize myself. After months, I enter new stages in my appearance, I went from being bald to now having a little hair again. But it’s not my old hair, it looks different and feels different. It’s still not me. I still hide behind baseballs caps and/or a wig, but I can never really hide because those “looks” still don’t feel like me. I guess a part of me still pulls away from being “seen” because of the fear of not looking like myself and having people see me differently. I hide through the wig, the baggy clothes to hide what this disease has done to me. When I was pregnant, the belly I was proud of and showed off is the same belly that I can’t get away from and hide enough. This time it isn’t a baby in there but tumours. It doesn’t matter if people say I look good if I don’t believe it myself. I need to know that God created me and loves me in every version I am. He sees beauty beyond the physical.

“Do not let your adornment be merely outward- arranging the hair, wearing the gold, or putting in fine apparel- rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3: 3-4

Those days are the hardest days; feeling physically tired, looking at yourself and not recognizing who you are, seeing the kids’ faces when they don’t get why that extra walk or extra 10 minutes, I sometimes can’t do. But God reminds me through my husband and people he places in my life that He loves me no matter what and him and the kids do, too. I see the world around me, the joy around, the trips people can go on and wish and think if I still have it in me and allowed to be able to do that again; enjoy life not just live life. I’m grateful for everyday I’m given, but I know the enemy has been getting to me in these moments making me feel like it’s not enough and things won’t be better. I need to remember that while the enemy tries to hold me back, I shouldn’t be the one that holds myself back. Then I read more of these lyrics of the song that while the enemy does that, Christ is with me. It can still be well even in the midst of that sorrow. Joyful sorrow still exists. I can feel both. I’m allowed to.

Though Satan should buffet,
Though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control:
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And has shed his own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul.
It is well, It is well, with my soul.

It is well- Horatio Spafford

In this week of thoughts of a little less faith and a little pity creep my way, one of those nights, we gather in my son’s bed: dad, mom, baby girl and big bro like we always do before we part ways for bedtime. We will gather and pray together as a family. Before we could even pray, my daughter kept pointing at a book on my son’s shelf. I didn’t pay much mind to it because my son and I have been reading his library books before bed lately. My daughter kept pointing at it and my son got out of bed and grabbed it and gave it to me. He read the title, “It is well with my soul.” We had read this book when we got it in December, but it had been awhile, so we forgot. “Maybe we should read this before prayer”, my daughter said, “yes” in her enthusiasm like that’s the book I wanted. It was the confirmation I needed from God that everything will be okay. He showed me through my kids this time. I started to read it to them and the reading turned into singing. I told my son that this is actually song lyrics. We continued and prayed and parted ways. I looked at my husband and said, again! God keeps reminding me that It is well.

I have felt silence this last couple of months and it has been hard. These last couple of weeks God was showing me in multiple reminders that It is well. I am not alone and that He still hears me. All I really needed is that little bit of faith still.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

I was chasing joy with my husband and kids this long weekend. I couldn’t be on a trip somewhere fun like I would have wished but I got to enjoy the time with them and be present. The day after would be another appointment at the hospital. Yesterday, I got my blood work done. I have always hated it; even before getting sick. To this day with the hundreds of times I have been pricked, I still don’t like to look. I used to have a picc line, so things would go faster, now I get pricked more often. After that, I met with my Palliative doctor. That word Palliative used to freak me out since It always made me feel like death was around the corner, but now those appointments are actually more of my better ones. He helps me get through symptoms and checks in on me emotionally as well. He asked me how I’m feeling about everything, especially with my CT scan right after this appointment. Confidently, I was able to say, I’m feeling fine about it. Normally, weeks before this, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. That scanxiety would get the best of me and I would remind myself that God’s got me. This time, I had peace before it and during it. I still have peace even though I haven’t received the results yet. Not much has changed, if anything I’m still on that stand still and waiting. This time instead of waiting for that next shoe to drop, I’m just taking in every moment and remembering that It is well, even in this time. I don’t want to keep hiding and while I’m in the waiting, I’m working on seeing myself the way God sees me and remembering that living life can also mean enjoying life, even in these moments. It is well.

I read this quote from a letter that my former Pastor and his wife gave me recently:

“Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I catch myself thinking about the past and all the “what ifs”. What if I did those things, What if I realized sooner or paid attention more, would I be in this situation? You can get lost in it. It’s not hard considering while you’re waiting in silence, your mind can wander easily. Then your current situation can cause that worry. “Worry doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”-Corrie ten Boom. The more we think about it, the more it lingers and takes over. Nobody can really understand what you’re going through, but GOD does. When we look up, we can be comforted in knowing that what you’re going through is not forgotten while it may feel like it. No matter what, Faith looks up.

We all go through sorrow, worry and hardships in our lives. It comes in many forms and just because you experience those moments, it doesn’t mean you don’t have faith. How you face and deal with these moments will shape how you live your life. Faith and hope will blossom through those moments. “He isn’t emptying you of the good things, but using hardship to fill you with good things that only his grace can produce.”-Paul Tripp. Growing up, I was not a very confident person. I would be consumed with worries and although I grew up in a Christian home and was exposed to God’s blessings, I was filled with insecurities and worry because I would let my own head get the best of me. Before faith, there was fear. My mind would wander on the negative things. God got me through that. When I look back on it now, I see how different I am. While at that point in my life, I may have felt those hardships and circumstances caused me so much worry for no reason, but there was a reason. Those moments prepared me a faith and strength I never knew I had and needed. It was all because I chose to look up instead of look down on my circumstances. Faith looks up.

While I catch myself thinking about the What ifs, God teaches me to think about the What’s next. The story isn’t finished yet. I’m thankful for each new day God continues to give me, so why dwell on the past. I need to stop looking down on the things happening and start looking up to Him for them. I have just finished my 5th cycle of this maintenance pill. This wasn’t the direction I thought I was going to go. I thought that by now, I would have been recovering from surgery. But I haven’t even had surgery yet. While the tumours have shrunk, they are encompassing my kidneys as mentioned before. The plus side is I’m still okay taking this maintenance drug because it has been causing some shrinkage. I have also been able to lower my dosage of GI issue medications. I can’t believe I use to take each pill 4x a day during chemo to now dropping each pill to just once a day. I have been waking up more tired and with less of an appetite this last cycle, but I’m meeting my body where it needs to be at and trying to supplement it with the rest, food, care and movement it needs. I’m choosing to keep going forward. Everyday is a gift and I’m thankful for it. Faith looks up.

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthy things.” Colossians 3:2

I stare at my kids’ faces and I see so much faith and hope. I think the hardest part of this journey is what the kids had to go through while I was undergoing treatment. I just didn’t have it in me to be a “mom”, a mom they knew, but now that I’ve been feeling better post chemo, they see me as being “all better”. I have been feeding them, dressing them, giving them baths, teaching and reading to them and putting them to sleep that in their eyes, everything is “all better.” They are hopeful and full of faith that everything is going to be okay. In the back of my mind, I know I’m physically still where I was before starting treatment. My prognosis is the same and while I feel better because I’m no longer doing chemo, the fact is there isn’t much out there for me still and I can’t get these tumours out of my abdomen. I’m still living with cancer. I don’t want them to go through seeing me like that again. I want to have the faith and hope they have in seeing me “all better”. One day that will come because when we look to him, things will be “all better.” It just isn’t on our own accord. I think that’s the hard part while you’re waiting in silence, wondering if while you’re looking up if He still hears you. If He heard me then why am I still in this situation? Why have I not been healed? When will it be my turn? Then I hear, Faith looks up.

I read something someone shared with me about waiting and it mentioned that just because we don’t have an answer or explanation, it doesn’t mean God is absent. “There are times when you can know His promises, trust His nature, and still feel stretched by what He has not yet made clear. That does not mean your faith is broken, It means you are in a place where you have to trust without seeing all the proof.” I don’t want to be looking at the past, worrying about the present and keep my eyes fixed on looking up. In these moments, I’m not questioning His power and what He can do, but I’m needing more patience to focus on His timing and not my own. The silence in those moments are not always a No, but a not right now. He has a plan that we may not be able to understand or see. We just have to keep believing. Faith looks up.

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’”

Psalm 91: 1-2

It has been 9 months since diagnosis. To be honest, with how it all began and the way I was bedridden, I didn’t think I was going to make it here. The end of chemo seemed so far away, the silver lining didn’t feel like it was ever going to get here. Now, I’m 9 months in, stomach still large, but with my hair finally growing back. The end of chemo wasn’t my silver lining. Instead, I’m in a stand still. But God has given me the gift of more days. It has already been a journey of ups and downs. Being in this place of looking okay, but not really being okay yet. But I will continue to look up because that’s what faith does, it looks up.

Name, DOB, did your address change? The receptionist checks me in, words I’ve heard all too often. An appointment every week for the last 5 weeks. It becomes redundant, but today’s appointment was different. I could barely sleep for the past week since having my CT Scan done. The scanxiety hit me a lot differently this time around. Maybe because the last CT scan results left me with not just bad news but a crushing reality and prognosis that I was trying not to focus on. I wasn’t sure what to expect this time. What’s the worse that can happen this time? That is what came into mind. Why is it that the negativity tends to creep up on you in these moments? When you’re afraid? Anxious? Discouraged? Envious? It’s because these moments open our eyes and produces this awareness of suffering. That’s the problem, we never stop thinking about it because it’s so easy to focus on it. What’s commanding our minds? our hearts? Suffering tends to kidnap our thoughts, so we shouldn’t let it. Replace it with life not death. God hasn’t changed even if your situation has. God is bigger than your situation no matter what it is . His truth remains true. Our fears will directly influence what we focus our thoughts on. I was wondering why I wasn’t able to sleep much, I let this fear dictate the worst outcome without even hearing an outcome to begin with.

“Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life.”
Proverbs 4:23

Reminders of God’s presence to fill our hearts with is helpful when we face these moments. It’s something we can hold on to. I held onto this when the appointment day came. The first appointment of the day was with the surgeon at Princess Margaret Hospital. This would be my third appointment with her and her team. This was also the third time I was presented to a panel of experts in the tumour board. The last time was in December when I had just finished all my rounds of chemo and received the crushing news that it didn’t work and my tumours didn’t shrink. I had my mind set on this “ideal” plan: get through 6 rounds of chemo with each round consisting of double agents/doses for 4 days, staying at the hospital during those days, getting a CT Scan and having surgery. It didn’t go to plan. Chemo happened, tumours didn’t shrink and I didn’t get my surgery. A lot of people I have met at the cancer centres have had their surgeries and have done treatments either before or after or both. Unfortunately, that was not in the cards for me, even after 8 months. Has this new pill been working? Is there a plan B if it didn’t? What’s the next steps? Has the tumours spread? Is surgery even in the cards at all?

The surgeon team came in and told me they have bad news and some good news. As my husband and I sat there eager to hear, the anxiety became peace. , I thought for once there was some good news. That was what I wanted to hear first. She said some of the tumours have shrunk. I’ve been wanting to hear that for so long. My tumours are made up of different variations of cancer cells, the really aggressive one being dedifferentiated liposarcoma (the one that gives me such a poor prognosis) and some well-differentiated. Much to my surprise, the dedifferentiated ones are the ones that have shrunk. This was a good thing. Without even seeing my Oncologist yet, I figured it meant I would continue on my current pill and regime. Then, for the bad news, this is when my heart started to race a little and cling onto that hope I had from the good news. “Surgery will still not be an option for you” she said. Why? I finally heard that it shrank more and I had been waiting for that moment. But now the larger tumour has encompassed my kidneys. Not just one of them, but both of them. The surgeon said, “When we do surgery, we can remove organs and there are some you can live without, but to remove both kidneys is not possible without it impacting your quality of life. You wouldn’t really have one. The removal of the kidneys or other organs for that matter wouldn’t even guarantee cancer to be removed, so why do it when you’re feeling okay now?” I understand the logic and the explanation, but that wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It’s okay to have those moments where I can’t stop thinking about the why. I just couldn’t let it take over my thoughts completely.

Everyone’s path is different, even their cancer path. We can relate on some level to how others may feel, but I couldn’t help but feel alone in these moments and be envious of people who had a chance to really fight it. It was selfish and I knew that. I could hear, you have fought this fight the best way you can. Have I though? I hear stories about people being able to have surgery, be in remission and unfortunately, for some, it comes back as well. But I never even got the opportunity to fight it with surgery or be in remission to have that fear of it coming back to begin with. I have just been living with it since I found out and been rejected and kicked down, time and time again. Did I even have a chance to fight? What if I found out sooner? Would it have gotten to stage 4? Would the tumours not have been so large that I could have had that surgery, too? Would I have a possibility of being cancer free then? The thing is, that path wasn’t mine. The battle is not to be envious of others. God always has a plan and everyone's path is different. We will never understand the painful battles in the moment. Comparing to others’ lives robs you of glorious hope and gratitude of the moment. No matter what the next day brings, your future is bright because victory has been won for you. I can’t let envy rob me of that.

Today, you can fight from a place of victory because the battle has already been won! (The Bible App)

Suffering is very real. It is physical and emotional that it’s so easy to fall into wanting life to be different and be like someone else. I even fall into the trap of wanting not someone else’s life, but envying the life I had before I got sick. The time when I felt like I was enjoying life. “Envy never tells the truth, it distorts your view on your life, and the character of God.”( Paul Tripp) God is greater than whatever situation you’re in and there’s something happening on this path you’re on whether you understand it or like it. I read this and it stuck with me, “When you’re tempted in your suffering to look around and calculate, you must determine to look up and celebrate.” I was too focused on a battle to fight and a way that it looks to fight that I didn’t realize that I was fighting the battle all wrong. I need to be fighting it in a place of victory because with God, the battle has already been won.

“There’s a battle happening all around you— for your heart, mind , and soul. But greater is the One who is in you than the one who is in this world.” (Bible App)

“But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.” 1 John 4:4

We belong to God, so even if I’m in a season where it feels like I keep losing the battle, God has already won it for me. The promise isn’t about everything going my way. It is about trusting that the spirit that is living in me is greater than anything and everything I will experience in the world, including my cancer prognosis. I will continue on this path I’m on, but without the lens of fear, discouragement and envy but with victory in mind. We have a way to see from a different lens and I choose to focus on that and keep fighting. He’s not done with me yet.

“Happiness is dependent on circumstances, but joy is accessible no matter what”

God can use the challenges in our lives to reveal what’s inside. It is in the refining that we’re made to be more like Jesus. Considering trials as an opportunity for joy sounds unrealistic, hard and impossible, but joy is accessible no matter what. It is in the difficulties that create growth and something beautiful to come out of it. In my devotion today, I read an analogy about a flower and how in order for a flower to grow, it has to go through something and that something is dirt. Once it goes through the dirt It’s in that dirt, It blossoms and becomes a beautiful flower. I may not ever understand this refinement and why things are happening the way they are, but I’m trusting that in this dirt, It will blossom and become a beautiful flower one way or another. It may not always be the way I expect it to be. God is the source of my joy and that’s why it’s forever, while happiness is dependent on my circumstance.

My circumstance is not ideal for anyone. I am definitely learning a lot more about who I am as a person, wife, mother and most of all as a believer in Christ. I am in this dirt in the Winter that It’s so hard to even sense that Spring is coming and that something will blossom into a flower. Appointment after appointment becomes the same routine and I don’t expect much from them. It’s just another day and another reminder I’m sick. I do forget sometimes when I get caught up in our day to day and being with my husband and kids. It was just like it was before I got sick. Then, I snap out of it when I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror, when I’m getting dressed and things don’t fit, when I’m holding my daughter and all of sudden I have a slight pain in my stomach or when I’m teaching or reading something to my son and get exhausted more easily. The humanity of it hits me, which is okay to feel sometimes as well. It points me to God. I’m not in control.

I’m in the “waiting” again. I already did the chemo thing, I’m on the maintenance thing since I’m still in the waiting for the surgery thing. Even then, the thoughts of surgery terrifies me. What could be the very only cure for me (that is not an option right now) is also the very thing that terrifies me. It terrifies me that all of this time I am having with my husband and kids will be taken away. If I am to survive it, would my quality of life with them change for the worse? This is what the surgeons have talked to me about. Right now, I’m back to being their mom. I know I will always be their mom, but when I first started this journey, chemo did take the feeling of that away from me. I wasn’t even able to hold them because I was so weak and susceptible to being sick. I wasn’t present. I couldn’t take them to/from school/daycare. I couldn’t prepare their food and lunches. I couldn’t play with them, give them baths, read them a story and put them to bed. It was taken away from me in an instant. God brought it all back to me. God got me through it. With this new pill, I’ve been able to be more present that I’m scared it will be taken away again. God hasn’t taken away that fear, but it doesn’t mean He isn’t guiding me through it.

Throughout this journey, Psalm 23 has really spoken to me and has helped me see the joy even in the shadows of death. I was listening to a story on a podcast and she brought up Psalm 23 as well and that the darker the shadow, the closer the shepherd. Throughout this journey I have been feeling the nearness and realness of God. She also brings up this beautiful image that in the shadow of death, it’s overshadowed by His wings. The greater the shadow, the bigger the wings protecting me and keeping me safe, even when I’m afraid. The shadow of His wings is the best place to be. Death doesn’t threaten us. God is bigger than the hard and that’s why joy is accessible no matter what, even when faced with fears. I’m only human and we will have those moments. God doesn’t promise we won’t go through them, but He does promise He’s always there for us to see us through them. I can’t walk around the fear, but I can go through it with Him. He points me to the joy in the morning. He is faithful and His plans are faithful. My husband shared with me how he used to dread Mondays when the work week starts and when we had to get back into routine from the weekend. A lot of that shifted since our life has changed since diagnosis. He now wakes up thankful and feeling blessed that we made it through another week and I made it through another week to be with them. God is good.

I finished two rounds of this pill and so far it has been okay. My white blood count has been low as I have mentioned in my previous post, but we have been continuing on it with a modified cycle. I was able to see the surgeon once again and they are going to be presenting me to the tumour board/ expert panels again. I finally go back for a CT scan next week to determine how I have been on this new pill and if I’m any closer to being able to have surgery. The term “Scanxiety” was new for me. I have heard it from different people when talking about the nerves we feel when we have to get that scan again. Scanxiety is defined as the intense fear, stress and worry patients experience before, during, or after medical imaging. It usually manifests in panic, racing heart, insomnia and fear. I have definitely felt this before without even knowing what the term was. It takes me back to my last scan in November when we discovered that chemo didn’t really work and that I wasn’t a candidate for surgery. It was a tough pill to swallow, especially how much chemo took away from me throughout the process. It was a hard road but I was able to get through it and was able to find some joy in it. Chemo still did something. It kept my tumours from spreading and I’m still experiencing the fruit of it because I have been feeling much better than I was when I wasn’t getting treated at all. When I got diagnosed, I was barely even able to drink a smoothie as my meal and now I’m eating full meals and having more energy to be present.

This scan next week will be another big one. I am feeling scanxiety thinking about it and the results. I just started this new pill that has given me a bit of my life back, will I be continuing it? Will I be starting something new? Will I be a candidate for surgery? If so, what does that journey look like? Am I closer to the end? It brings about so many more questions. I’m trying to remember that I should continue to bring this all to God. I don’t have to have all these answers and continue to trust in the one that does. God wants us to truly trust Him. Daily dependence on Him and shifting myself and pouring myself out.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6

I may not know what to expect and know what to hope for, but I know that anxiety and worry doesn’t get me anywhere. God already knows the outcome before it even happens. I just need to continue to trust in Him and not be afraid and not let my circumstances dictate my happiness, since joy is accessible no matter what, through God, even in the midst of this scanxiety.

This prayer is one I have been saying to myself after reading it from my bible app and I hope It can encourage you as well.

God, You are the source of my joy. Even when I face various trials, I can trust that you are using them to make me stronger. Thank you for stretching my endurance and strengthening my faith. I know You are always with me. Help me to see everyday and every circumstance as an opportunity for great joy. In Jesus' name, Amen.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

Not long after new years, I was also able to celebrate my 39th birthday. I made it to another birthday. I have never appreciated my birthday more than this year. It’s not like we did anything different or extravagant, but this year felt different. It meant my obituary wasn’t going to say a 38 year old woman. Every year counts. As a part of my birthday present, a very close friend of mine gifted me a present of memories and experiences. A gift that would get me to travel back in time to key moments in my life through questions and storytelling. This gift would be something that my kids could listen to and read about if I wasn’t here to tell them the stories in person. It would be a way of me passing down something full of love, memories and experiences that I hope for them to experience themselves one day. I’m thankful for that, even if it meant it was hard to tell my story through a mic and written in a book like I would be “leaving” them. I don’t want to leave them, but it would leave a piece of me “just incase.”

This disease, this timeline has showed me a lot about life and appreciation. When we are caught in our day to day, we tend to let the busyness of life takeover that we stop appreciating what we have in front of us as we strive for more. We live in a world, where we long for more in hopes that, more would be better. Sometimes the search of more leads to striving and ungratefulness for the life we have now. Sometimes being content is what we actually need in order to stop and appreciate. I did go back and think about what I wanted to accomplish or do before I die and a lot of memories poured in about things I have already done and while there can always be more things to accomplish, I needed to appreciate what was. I always loved traveling. Before I was married, I got to see a lot of places and even moved to South Korea without knowing anyone. I loved it so much that what was only supposed to be a year, turned into two. I also got to travel while I lived there. We traveled some more when I got married as well. Once I had my first child and covid hit, traveling became a lot harder not only because we had a little one to care for, but the responsibilities that came a long with it. “Adulting” at a new level with baby necessities to add to the mortgage payments and throw in some covid. My first year of motherhood was not what I expected at all. Covid hit and took away a lot of the experiences that I thought I would be able to share with my son. But through those hard moments, it also allowed my husband to be home with us more and get to see our first child grow in that first year along side me. If it wasn’t for covid, he wouldn’t be home with us as much. It is a reminder that even in the hard moments, God provided those blessings. It was just not what we expected.

I may not have ended the year with what I expected, but It didn’t mean that there wasn’t a blessing waiting in the future just like back then. The day after my birthday, I met with my cancer care team, as I was starting a new pill. Since I can no longer do the same chemotherapy past 6 rounds, I was left trying something new to help stabilize my tumour growth. This new pill was a clinical trial and is no longer one as it has shown results of helping stabilize and even shrink some people’s tumours without all the added symptoms that chemotherapy brought me. It has also extended people’s lives living with cancer. A majority of the studies have been done on those with breast cancer, but we already know that since I have one of the most rare cancers, there isn’t as much options for me at this point. There hasn’t been that many studies on what I have. I have repetitively heard from multiple doctors, I have something so hard to understand and some things can bring more damage than good. In combination with taking this new pill, I have been dabbling more into the natural ways of helping my body heal that I wasn’t able to take while I was on chemotherapy. The main goal I have through any treatment is to fuel my body, so that I do have the energy to fight. Before I was diagnosed, my early signs of cancer was my lack of appetite; barely even finishing a smoothie. I had lost so much weight without even trying. After my first couple rounds of chemotherapy, my body found a way to fight because I regained my appetite and that gave me the energy I needed. I needed to eat to keep going, so that’s what I have been doing and it has made me feel so much better. My tumours are in my stomach so it does make it harder at times, so I have learned to adjust with still fueling my body, so I have the energy I need.

After almost 2 weeks of being on this new pill, I went back to the hospital for a checkup and my white blood count was low. To put it into perspective, they consider 1 low and unfortunately, mine was 0.94. Dr. S decided to put a pause on the pill for a week and not continue the 3 week cycle. Normally, I would be on it for 3 weeks and then off it for a week and then restart. I came back for an appointment yesterday for my week follow-up again and my white blood count is at 0.92, so it was about the same, so i’m not able to restart the pill yet again. This will be 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off scenario at the moment. The fact that my white blood count is so low, it is shocking that I haven’t caught any sicknesses from my kids who have been constantly taking turns bringing germs into our home. He has protected me. This new pill hasn’t given me much symptoms except some tiredness. Given what I experienced on chemo before, this was nothing. This pill has also allowed me to stay home while going through this treatment. It has been a blessing to be home with my husband and kids and be a mom. Sometimes I forget that I’m sick because I’ve been more active and present with them. I’m thankful for these blessings; time with them.

Right now, I don’t have a lot of choices and when we are faced with these overwhelming feelings, it is so easy to worry and be anxious on what’s next. I was reminded about the devotion I read right before my appointment. It was about a woman who lost her son through cancer and just 3 years later, her older son was diagnosed with another terminal illness. It’s very easy to be mad and think that life is not fair, but instead these circumstances and hardships drew her closer to God more than ever. “Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.” Psalm 31:24. It gave her a reason to keep believing. It is only God who can give her that hope to keep going.

This is how I feel. I feel like if it wasn’t for God, I would not be able to make it through and keep going. The biggest difference to why I have been feeling better is that I have faith that I will. By the grace of God, I’m still here, so that has to count for something. Sufferings can ultimately increase your hope if you let it. This doesn’t happen overnight but I do believe that it has taught me to keep going and keep believing.

“We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character. hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5: 3-5

My recent appointments before Christmas in some ways shocked me and in other ways, it didn’t. I finally got my 6th round CT scan results and I also got to meet the famous surgeon from Princess Margaret Hospital I had been hearing about for the last 6 months. Many doctors and nurses I had met have told me she has made the impossible, possible when it comes to sarcoma surgeries. It was great meeting her and another surgeon on her team as they reviewed my CT scan results with me and my husband. If you didn’t already know, my last CT scan results pretty much showed little to no difference in my tumour sizes and I was not considered eligible for surgery. The tumours were just too large. I had hope and faith that everything was going to be okay regardless of the outcome. I think that’s why I came into these appointments feeling at peace. I had given it to God and I really didn’t have any control over the situation.

My tumours are in my stomach, so it does make things a lot more complicated. When I started off this journey, my 1 tumour was just under 30 cm while I had another smaller one a long my pelvic area. The big one shrunk to 26 cm according to this last scan, so chemo was doing its job to shrink it and stabilize it, but unfortunately, that was just not enough. The tumour is still so large that it has pushed all my organs to the right side of my stomach. A long those lines, there are other tumours in surrounding areas and while it is localized in my stomach, it can impact my organs if it were to get any bigger. You can guess it, I’m still not eligible for surgery. At this moment, it can actually do more damage than good. It would be extensive and high risk with having to snip parts, remove organs and so forth with no real guarantee the tumours can be fully removed. I understood that and it wasn’t really shocking to me. It looked and sounded more dangerous to put my body through that and the recovery they said would be a long road… if i even survived it.

There was hope in their statement though, the resident surgeon said that they have seen this famous surgeon do some impossible surgeries and with other therapies and plans, it was still possible for me in the future. Every so often, a panel of experts meet about different cases that they want expert opinions on. This surgeon is the expert for her field. She plans on bringing me up to the next panel where there would be expert Oncologists, experts on Chemo, Radiation, Immunotherapy and more to see what else can be done for my treatment to help shrink it enough to one day be eligible for surgery. Surgery is what would lead me to be cancer free. Without surgery, my timeline is quite different.

This leads us to my next appointment with my Oncologist, Dr. S. I came prepared with all my questions and a lot of hope that something can be done to help shrink my tumours more. He shared with me the studies he is doing and how a lot of the things I was suggesting wouldn’t be an option for dedifferentiated liposarcoma. What I have is aggressive and started off as something called well differentiated which does have a better survival rate but is not easily detected until it turns into something more aggressive like what I have. Have I been living with cancer longer and just didn’t know it? I would never really know. Dr. S doesn’t like getting hung up on data and stats when talking to patients. I come in with questions and awareness, so he knows I want to know and I don’t like things to be sugar coated. He finally told me what I already knew and have been asking about. What stage am I? I have Stage 4 cancer. I already knew how serious it was but he added that my survival rate goes down significantly without surgery. I would be looking at 18 months to 24 months.

Of course after hearing that, it left us speechless. I knew the prognosis was poor but I think actually hearing it was different, especially when I really didn’t feel that way. How could this be possible? If you know me and have seen me during this journey, you would know that I have actually been feeling better. A part from my bald head and pregnant looking belly, and some tired moments, you wouldn’t believe that this timeframe is my reality. It’s just averages and numbers and It shouldn’t mean that much, right? I choose to focus on the day to day. If I get hung up on this, would I live any different? I choose not to live depressed and fixated on these numbers and trust in God. The only one who really knows how long I have to live.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4:16

While my body may be showing this timeframe, I don’t believe it because I don’t feel that way. My inward man is being renewed day by day and I know I am never alone. I choose to not lose heart and know that with every suffering, it is never wasted with God. “Your suffering actually has an effect on your future glory. It is not just an obstacle to overcome. If we bear it in faith for the honor of Christ, it is a catapult to greater glory.” ( Piper, Lessons from a Hospital Bed.)

The truth is if I were to die today, I’m not afraid because I have faith and trust in Jesus Christ and know He is the only way to heaven. I know where I would go and I have peace with that. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I want to go and leave my life, my husband, kids, family and friends. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me sad and hurt that I am sick and going through this and putting my family through this with me. It just means to Just Live in hope and faith and trust in the one and only. While the surgeon was said to perform the impossible surgeries, my God makes miracles happen. While doctors can suggest treatment, my God is the ultimate healer, While medicine help people feel better, my God heals people and makes the dead come to life. If I get hung up on numbers and when I’m supposed to die, I won’t live and I just want to live. I want to live with hope and faith, I want to live and wakeup next to my husband, I want to live to watch my children grow older. But it’s not up to me and there’s a purpose for everything, so why focus on the numbers when it doesn’t matter? I don’t know what tomorrow brings for me, but neither does anyone else.

2026 brings a lot of gratitude that I made it through 2025 and that I’m still here. It also brings a lot of fear; fear of the unknown, fear of what’s next, fear that this could be my last year? We don’t know. Faith over fears. What I do know is that God is greater than this disease and if I were to go today, I know where I’m going. Do you?

“Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity.” (Young, Jesus Calling)

I still remember the day I was diagnosed with cancer so clearly. It was such a hard thing to hear, how could I forget? As I sit here and think about all I just went through these past months, I can’t help but think about how hard that was, too and be thankful. I made it through. Hope and faith is what I needed in these moments. It has strengthened me in the most trying times. It has already been 5 Months since I was diagnosed. This has felt like the longest time yet the fastest time all at the same time. When I first started chemotherapy, the start of it felt so fast, the process of those first couple rounds felt so long and now being at the end of it feels so fast and so surreal. When you hear bad news, you tend to cling onto that news and only focus on that and fail to see how you even got there to begin with. This is what happened when I heard that chemotherapy wasn’t working. I was hung up on that fact that I forgot what I went through during chemotherapy and how I wouldn’t have been able to do it if it wasn’t for God.

The doctors began this journey with telling me how intense my rounds of chemotherapy were going to be and how it would not be a walk in the park. The double agent/dose of the chemotherapy I was given would put my body through a lot and we were not even sure how my body would react to it. Here I am at the end of it and although I didn’t get the news I wanted, it doesn’t mean that God wasn’t working through it. How did I make it through the last 5 months and come out feeling better? I know my CT Scan results show little to no shrinking, but I have also gained more weight, have more energy, and overall a better appetite than when I first started. My body went through a lot and God strengthened me, sustained me and gave me joy even in the hardest moments of it. I believe there is a purpose for everything. Everyday is my miracle. Being able to wake up and still be alive and be able to indulge in the wonderful chaos that my children bring each day is a miracle that I'm still here to experience it. I am thankful.

“Giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Ephesians 5:20

It has been quite a journey the last 3 years, even before finding out I was sick. I experienced a lot of uncertainty and nothing what we expected. I saw my dad get sick, be in the hospital for months recovering from multiple procedures to seeing God work in his life strengthening him and healing him. Then, later that year finding out my mom was diagnosed with ALS and losing her in that battle. Being there during her journey as well, helping where I can in her care and being her advocate, I knew a little more on what to ask and how to handle myself in my own health journey. While I was able to learn a lot of things being on the other side of someone being sick, nothing can really prepare you for when you’re experiencing it yourself. Those experiences also carry trauma, memories of emergency room visits, of watching her body fail and of feeling helpless when you wanted to do so much more. A lot of those thoughts and trauma also carried onto my own journey and every time I was at the hospital, I hated it. I hated the feeling of being surrounded by suffering and being reminded of those situations. It was probably the very reason it was so difficult for me to even get checked the very first time when I was diagnosed. Now, I was in the same boat. The roles had been reversed and I didn’t have my mom there with me for it. I missed her more. God helped and strengthened me during those times of mourning. God has helped and strengthened me now in getting through this step without her.

The fact that in my own journey, I can see and talk about joy is a miracle in itself. My story and what we have already been through as a family is a testimony in itself of God’s goodness. I’ve heard from nurses and people I have even met during this process that I carry a joy and hopefulness for someone who has already experienced so much. That is the power of hope and faith in Jesus. He is my light in the darkness and I wouldn’t have been able to get through what I did if it was by my own strength. God showed me a strength I never knew I had and although my cancer journey continues, I need to look at the future with just as much hope and faith.

“They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.” Psalm 126:5

Suffering is never wasted. I remember hearing this and it stuck. You learn to appreciate the hard times when ultimately you know there is always a purpose. It may not be what your plan is but God’s plan is in motion, even when you don’t see it. Look back on your suffering and see how God provided then and remember He is still the same God. When we are given bad news like we were, it’s easy to be tempted to think otherwise and lose faith, but He remains the same as He did when He helped you before. I finished 6 rounds of double agent/dose chemotherapy and I got through it and I am thankful.

I am thankful for the way God provided in not just giving me strength but through the people around me. He placed me in good hands with the doctors, many nurses and other cancer patients I met and got to share with. He placed me in good hands with my husband, my kids, my family, friends and church family who have all been helping, praying and being here for me during this journey. God opened doors for me to share, for us to meet new people who have blessed us in prayer and provided food for our family during this process. Even when i doubted, He provided.

It hasn’t been easy, while my body was going through physical ailments from chemotherapy, my mind was also full of worries and anxieties about my husband, my kids, our finances, whose going to take care of our kids, what food are we going to eat? Then, God made a way. Thankful for my MIL, sister, dad and brother in law in helping us with the kids when I was in the hospital. My hospital stays were always filled with family and friends being with me and bringing me food, laughter and prayers. We were provided a meal train that we were so blessed to have during my treatment. Those meal trains also allowed us an opportunity to meet (virtually) new people who blessed us with meals and prayers even when they have never met us before from our church. It allowed us to open conversations with others and pray a long side them with their prayer requests. God is good, all the time.

I give thanks to God. I give thanks to our family and friends. Thank you for helping us take care of our kids, feeding us and being there for us in prayer and support during my chemotherapy journey. I also give thanks to YOU. Thank you for reading this, for praying for me and my family and thank you for fighting cancer a long side me with hope and faith. The journey continues and as I wait for my last CT Scan results post chemo and meeting with my oncologists and a surgeon next week, I’m hopeful. I know I’m in good hands. Please continue to pray for us. God Bless!

God does it again, in the midst of a pretty awful last couple days of sickness, lack of sleep and a lot of overthinking, God showed me faith through my 5 year old. He showed me faith and trust that is pure and innocent. My son doesn’t know about what the doctors said or the latest trend to cure cancer or what my last CT scan showed. What he does know is to have faith and trust and to ask the Lord for that miracle for me. I’m not going to lie, it’s not just been a hard last couple days because of getting a cold, but it’s been a hard couple of weeks in general. I haven’t been able to write this post because it’s been hard for me to even express to myself, better yet everyone else how I’ve been feeling, so let me try to share why.

“I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.” Jeremiah 31:25

I remember just when I was starting chemotherapy and how nervous and scared I was because I didn’t know what to expect. Round 1: Knocked out. Round 2: Knocked out. Round 3: CT Scan.

Has it worked?

The question that was hanging over my head throughout the process. I received an email from the sarcoma clinic nurse confirming my Round 4 chemotherapy stay at the hospital. It would fall right after Thanksgiving. I had my bags packed and plan in place for this round. What I was hoping for was an email or call from the doctors letting me know about my CT Scan results, but we didn’t receive that.

The doctors told me before starting chemotherapy that there would be a CT scan after the 3rd round to see if the treatment was working or not. Dedifferentiated Liposarcoma cancer can be removed through surgery, but the state of my tumours didn’t allow them to do the surgery. This is why they used the strongest combination of chemotherapy to try to shrink it. I’ve made it halfway, this CT scan could determine if I even continue the treatment or not. It could determine my life going forward.

I still hadn’t heard from the doctors at the sarcoma clinic and I was coming in for Round 4 in just a couple of days. My Palliative doctor that helps treat my symptoms called me for his weekly check in. I mentioned I had a cold and he said there wasn’t much things I can take while on chemotherapy and to continue what I was doing as long as I don’t get a fever. Once I get a fever, I have to go to the ER again incase of any underlying infections because of chemotherapy. He was finished his updates and I asked him if he had my CT scan results. He asked me if any of the oncologists have reviewed it with me yet and I mentioned no, and that’s why I’m asking. He puts the disclaimer that he isn’t part of the cancer team doctors and how they would be reviewing the file with me in more detail, but he can read some of the highlights of the report with me. He said my chest scans show no changes and spreading and how my liver looks better. Overall, it was stable. He even mentioned that there was a tiny decrease in size from one of the tumours near my pelvic area. He did tell me again that he was just reading a report and how my care team would let me know more.

It was the day after Thanksgiving, we left early once again to get to the hospital for 8:00AM. I didn’t have to wait that long and was already given a room where the nurse checked my vitals and drew my blood. This usually doesn’t happen while I’m waiting for the doctor, but in another room with everyone else during check in. This must mean I’m meeting Dr. S pretty early this time. Dr. S walked in not too long after my husband arrived from parking the car and having my bags. Dr. S didn’t bring a binder in this time and went straight to the computer. He asked me how I have been feeling lately. I said aside from getting a cold before, I have felt stronger, have more energy and a better appetite overall. He seemed surprised by that as he pulled up my CT scan I took before starting chemotherapy and pulled up my CT scan I took a week ago.

By looking at the scans, you wouldn’t even guess that they were two different scans. My heart sank a bit as I knew what was going to come out of his mouth. As he asked, “Do you see a difference?” I replied, “No, but Dr. D read the report to me and I heard there was decrease in the tumour on my pelvic.” Dr. S said yes, but nothing significant as you can see from these scans, they don’t look any different. This was actually the first time I saw the scans and saw where the tumours were. I knew they were in my tummy but they were wrapped all around my other organs because of how big it was. The good thing was that it hadn’t spread and so far was stable. This was Dr. S’s way of showing us and not just telling us that chemotherapy was not working. He said those words out loud, “our plan didn’t work, so why put your body through that strong combination of chemotherapy again if It’s not working.” His plan was for me not to be admitted anymore and become an outpatient with just the one chemotherapy agent he knows is working to stabilize it.

I paused and stared at the screen and was in disbelief. I knew where the conversation was headed. I looked at Dr. S and said, “there’s still 3 more rounds, it can still change.” He replied in a sincere, but frank manner that he wished he had as much hope as I did, but that the tumours haven’t shrunk and they are pretty much the same and it doesn’t look like it will work to shrink it even after the 3 more rounds. Also, since your are taking one of the strongest agents, we cannot keep giving you this same chemotherapy for more than 6 rounds because it will be damaging to your heart. He said he would be just as happy if something changed in my next scans, but he didn’t want me to be left disappointed. He has seen this before and we tried our best.

What does this mean for me? Shrinking the tumours and having surgery was the only way to be cancer free and I can feel that slipping away as we continued to talk. He continues with talking about the next steps being a clinical trial drug that has shown promise already for helping stabilize the cancer while I live with it. Dr. S said this drug is a pill that will be used as maintenance because it has shown results where people have lived longer than expected because of it. The only thing is, I would be living with this! The prognosis is still the same, without surgery, it significantly lowers the chances of living and ultimately, will not leave me cancer free. If I don’t take this drug, the cancer can spread. I asked about natural paths, things I can drink and eat, all in which I have heard stories, but was told can leave me with more problems while I’m on chemotherapy. He told us he was sorry as my husband and I wipe our tears and he says we would have more time to discuss everything since we still have 3 more rounds to go until we cross that bridge. He left the room and my husband and I looked at each other and I said to him, “Nothing is impossible, I believe in a God that does miracles and I will pray for that miracle.” My husband and I stayed in there for awhile and prayed before we went back into the waiting area. Praise and thank the Lord for everything in all circumstances. Thank you, Lord for my life.

Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” Luke 18:27

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

“Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you.” Psalm 55:22

I knew what to expect this time, so it shouldn’t feel that different. After getting through a difficult round 1, I paused and thought, I have to do this for another 5 more rounds! Not by my own strength I said to myself. Once I cast my cares upon Him, He will sustain me through these rounds. God makes the impossible, possible. I was ready for what was ahead of me. God’s plan is always for the best. Sometimes the process is hard, but that’s when our faith can shine. When God is silent, He’s working and we just need to trust the process. Faith isn’t about having all the answers, but trusting the one who does, even when it seems impossible.

We had just celebrated my daughter’s first birthday a couple days before and it was the last weekend before my son starts school again. This was also the last weekend before round 2. There was a lot going on in my head. It didn’t help that my hair was shedding constantly and reminding me there was something else I needed to take care of before round 2. The time had come… the time to shave my head. I was dreading this moment. My husband agreed that he would shave my head for me. He was just waiting and tonight was going to be the night when the kids were asleep. I know who I am and my identity is not found in how I look, but I already lost so much weight, had a belly with tumours and just looked “sick.” I looked different and how much more with no hair? Would I be able to recognize myself? Would my kids be able to recognize me? This was going to be hard, but who I am is not wrapped up in how I look and I just needed to trust the process. This was just one more step I had to take in this cancer journey.

The kids were asleep, my husband set up the bathroom. I was also distracted with the fact that I would be missing my son’s 1st day of school. He was starting Grade 1 and I happen to be starting my 2nd round of chemo that same morning. It was already an adjustment for him and to have both his parents not there made me feel uneasy and sad. I was thankful for my mother in law and brother in law for being able to take care of the kids that day, so that my husband can be with me for the appointments that morning of round 2.

The buzzing sound started, I felt the warm shaver on my head and the vibrations as I was taking a deep breath watching the hair coming down. As hair came down my face, tears came down my face also. I was thinking it’s just hair, so why would I be crying but it was deeper than that. It felt scary and liberating at the same time. It was a big step this time, as I wasn’t just telling the world I have cancer but showing the world I have cancer. I looked in the mirror and my husband said, I’m beautiful. I didn’t feel it. I didn’t look like myself but It showed a sense of strength. I looked stronger and a peace came over me that I was going to be okay.

Who am I?
Am I a Wife?
Am I a Mother?
Who am I?
Am I Strong?
Am I Weak?
Who am I?
Am I a woman with long hair?
Am I a bald?
Who am I?
I am a believer
I am a Christian
Who am I?
I am a Wife
I am a Mother
Who am I?
In His arms, I am strong
In my weakness, He makes me strong
Who am I?
A woman not defined by how she looks
A woman rooted in Faith and Hope in Him
Who am I?
I am a child of God
I am saved

Who am I? Having cancer really gets you to face some hard thoughts and questions. The hustle and bustle of life before and all the many hats many of us wear, we don’t have time to even really think about it… Who am I? Most of us can say, you just are who you are. You live day to day as a wife, mother, daughter, and whatever profession you have and carry on the day.

When I found out I had cancer, I was 10 months postpartum, a lot of who I was on the day to day was a mom; a food supply for my daughter, playmate, caregiver, cook/baker, cleaner, organizer and the list goes on. I was expecting that in just 2 months I would be adding a working mom again, Learning Professional and Designer back to my many hats. Look how quickly some news can change your life and perspective of who you are. Instead, I’ve added cancer patient to my list of hats and It was nothing I had envisioned for myself at this point of my life. Finding out I have cancer 10 months into my maternity leave and now unsure what’s next?

Round 2, 1st day of Grade 1… came and gone and everything was okay. God provides. I was able to share what happened in Round 1 to the doctors and this time they said it would be different and they will try to prevent all the vomiting and nausea with hydration when I get home from treatment. The nurses were all so great in getting everything started earlier, so that I wouldn’t be leaving at 10:30PM like last time. My son had a great first week of school. He reminded me of his love everyday and that he was okay. These kids would be my motivation to see me through these rounds. While I was at the hospital, my husband sent me a video of my son telling me he picked “flowers” (weeds lol) during his recess for me in his school yard and put them in his backpack so that I would have flowers when I came home. He was so thoughtful and sweet and It just made that night easier to be in that hospital bed. When you’re in the hospital, you cannot ignore suffering since you’re surrounded by it. You can see it and hear it. Talking about my kids to the nurses there allowed me opportunity to share in my joys. When I would get those messages or videos and share pictures, It gave me an opportunity to share about them and to talk about my faith and hope when they can see joy in me, even in the hard times. I was also blessed with visitors from family and friends during my hospital stays. God was showing me to find joy in those moments. God provided me some normalcy in the hospital visits through them and I’m grateful.

“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials. Knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.” James 1:2-3

I wish I could say the recovery was better after Round 2, but unfortunately it was much the same. I got to come home earlier, but the nausea and vomiting continued for days. I was still not able to eat well and then after the 3rd day of throwing up, the doctors sent an order for my anti-nausea medication to be given to me through the picc line and through a subcut needle. My nurse visits would be once a day to provide me with hydration and vials of medication that my husband would have to administer to me through my subcut. Each arm now had some kind of port to administer medication from. It was hard, but I was just thankful to be home and feeling better.

Round 3

I had my bags packed anticipating for round 3. My husband and I were once again navigating how the upcoming week was going to go. There was always a lot of that, especially in arranging school/ daycare drop-offs, pick-ups and taking care of the kids after that. We have been so blessed with our family helping us take care of our kids while I know they have their own kids, work, life and plans going on themselves. God provides! Whenever I had doubted what we are going to do, we have always been provided for. I cannot imagine how we would be able to do it without them. I know my husband always wants to be with me for each round, but most of the time, it really isn’t possible since he has to be dad and now “mom” of the family, holding down the fort while mom has been fighting. I wasn’t expecting to feel as weak after all these rounds. God has given me the strength to get through it. God has been giving him the strength to get through it and to be there for the kids when I can’t.

The phone rang and Dr. S was on the other line. He said that my treatment would be different this time. I would only be coming in for 1 day of treatment and be an outpatient this time and then I would need to come back for a CT Scan before Round 4. They didn’t have enough beds in the Sarcoma clinic for me to be admitted this time. I was getting 2 agents of chemotherapy, so they decided that they would administer one and give me my week’s dose in 1 visit, while also removing the other chemotherapy that requires me to be admitted. “Will this impact my treatment?” I asked. He said, “1 out of 6 treatments without the 1 agent shouldn’t impact anything.” He mentioned that the other chemotherapy was the one with all the side effects and how I should feel better this time around. I could keep questioning what was happening , feel uneasy and scared or choose to trust in God. I choose to trust God.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3: 5-6

Round 3 and the CT Scan was complete. Now it was time to wait for the results… Has it been working?

I’m mad

I’m lonely

I'm worried

I'm afraid

The feelings I felt sitting in the dark, cold ER examination room hoping to go home each time a nurse or doctor comes by to check on me. How did I get here? What happened? The doctors talked about how my white blood count was zero to undetectable and my potassium was super low. They aren't sure why I have a fever and rashes or what infection I have but they tested me for a lot of things and put me on antibiotics right away. I was admitted but there were no rooms available for me and I remained isolated in this dark examination room for my protection because of my white blood count. I was constantly on medication through my picc line and they still poked me on my other arm for an IV and was expected to swallow 5 big potassium pills all at once to have to repeat it every couple of hours. To add to everything, my hair was shedding everywhere and it was everywhere!

Before starting chemotherapy round 1, my sister and best friends helped me chop my super long hair to above my shoulders. I wasn’t quite ready to shave my hair off, I felt like if i did, It was really declaring, “hey, I have cancer.” I wasn’t ready for that. I loved my hair, but I never had a problem cutting and dying my hair with all kinds of hairstyles before, but this time was different. You can imagine how I felt in this ER room after round 1 and seeing all my hair falling out in chunks. It was the icing on the cake to already a mess of feelings.

This was a low moment for me, not just because of my hair but because of everything happening all at once. I missed my husband, I missed my kids and just being in my own home. The enemy knew this and took advantage of it. All those feelings came rushing in and I couldn't see the light. I wasn't able to sleep, I was shivering, tired and mad at myself and my body for not being able to stay healthy after the chemotherapy. Everyone on the phone was telling me to be strong and it made me feel even more mad at myself because I thought I was. I didn't feel like myself. I was still in the dark unable to see the light.

I remember what my sister and brother in law said that when you can't sleep, it's an opportunity to pray. That's what I did in that dark, isolated room. I cried out in prayer for God to help me. I was reminded that in the darkness, I am the light.

“You, LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” Psalm18:28

“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

“The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalm 27:1

The light is in me. The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall i fear? That’s the difference, you can be in this low place but I was never doing this by myself. Even though I felt alone and the enemy was attacking me, God was with me. Don’t get me wrong, all those feelings were valid and I was allowed to feel them. We tend to feel them the most when we are by ourselves, but that’s when we have to remember that you are never truly alone. I remember I wasn’t the only one praying, there is a whole army of God’s warriors in that room with me, too.

Before starting chemotherapy, my family came over as well so we can figure out the logistics while I was at the hospital for the 1st round since it was still summer break and I have two younger kids. We also came together in prayer. I remember all the adults gathered in my family room while the kids were in the basement. The strong feelings came rushing in, tears down my eyes hearing the prayers from these prayer warriors. This was really happening I thought to myself, it was shocking but I was at peace because I had already given it to God.

Little did I know, the kids were also led by my oldest nephew in prayer as well. My oldest nephew was 13 years old and he led the little ones in quiet time of prayer requests, group and individual prayers. The cousins ranged from ages 9, 6 and 5, including my 5 year old boy. They each got to share their prayer requests and among those was my son’s requests about me getting my strength back and being healed. It brought me back to a week before when we were telling my son that I was sick and would be in and out of the hospital for awhile. I thought it was important to include him and make sure he was okay. I knew what was ahead of me was going to look a lot different for him. I was laying with him talking about our day before bed and he told me, “It’s okay mom, when you’re at the hospital you won’t be alone because God is always with you. You remember whenever I would go to the hospital and you would tell me to be brave because God is with me. God healed me and he’s going to heal you, too.” If I didn’t believe it before, surely I would believe it from my 5 year old son. God used him to remind me that He’s always with me and that I would be healed.

Never underestimate your children, God’s at work in their lives as well. I will never forget how touched and blessed I felt that day. I had prayer warriors of all ages! I was going into Chemotherapy in 2 days but I was not worried or scared. My prayer was that God would use me and help find me opportunities to let His light shine. He’s got me!

Day 1 of Chemotherapy

Let's go back to what led me to the ER for 4 days to begin with… Round 1 of Chemotherapy. I had no idea what to expect.

It was just before 8:00AM, “what's your full name and date of birth?” The questions they ask as they register me and place the hospital bracelet on my wrist. Little did I know this would be a constant thing for every visit and every check in. This first day was filled with a lot of uncertainty. I would meet with the doctor once again to go over the chemotherapy plan and then head over to the 11th floor to get admitted to a room. A room I would stay at for 4 days while going through 4 days of double agent chemotherapy.

As I entered the chemo rooms, I met wonderful nurses who made me feel at home. I was anticipating that it was going to happen soon but like most hospital visits we have, it is always about the waiting game. I had no idea what the process of everything was. I got called down around 9:30AM to head to the 6th floor to meet Dr. S, I waited down there till 10:30AM and then we finally saw him. He talked about my chemo process once again and explained it to me and my husband. The double agent dose of the chemotherapy they are using will be quite hard on my body and reminded me it would not be a walk in the park. He said after the 3rd cycle, a CT scan will determine if we continued this path because it will work to shrink the tumours for surgery or if another course of action would be needed. It’s nerve wrecking that you're going to put your body through something so harsh for a maybe, fingers crossed it will shrink these tumours so you can maybe get surgery. If we rely on these maybes and not the truth that God’s in control, it’s easy to feel discouraged. He’s working behind the scenes.

I went back upstairs to the 11th floor where my room was and still waited. After all the pre-medications and everything else, I actually didn’t start my first chemotherapy until 6:00PM that evening. The first agent of chemotherapy was not what I was expecting, the nurses have to manually syringe it in me. Since I didn’t get a picc line yet, they had to take even more time administering me all the chemotherapy and medications through my IV since it was a smaller vein. This gave me more opportunity to speak and talk to my nurses and get to know them. The nurses told me there was a joy to me for someone who has gone through so much. I’ve told them that it was because of God. I prayed to find joy somehow in this situation. God brought nurses, visitors during my stay to help with that joy.

Day 1 though was a long day, the process with bags being replaced constantly after the chemotherapy for my bladder and kidney protectant and anti-nausea and bags of hydration was never ending. The process itself didn’t hurt, but the aftermath of it was tiring and just like anyone who stays in a hospital, it’s so hard to sleep and really rest when you’re there.

Let’s skip to Day 4 of chemotherapy, the last day of chemo. If I thought Day 1 was long, Day 4 felt even longer because I was anticipating being able to go home. Unfortunately, it was 9:00PM and I was still hooked up to the machines and going through the works of the medications and hydration process. When my husband came, he saw my face and knew I was just so over it. I could feel the aftermath of the week and was so exhausted and feeling nauseous. There are 4 rooms in that chemo room and I was the only one left, everyone had already gone home. It was finally 10:30PM and the nurse unhooked me and said I was done. She asked me how I felt and I said, nauseous but eager to get home. At that point, I didn’t care how I felt. We live about an hour away, so it was still going to take some time getting home. I just wanted to get home.

Home after Round 1

I was so focused at the time in hospital, I didn’t really think about the after math at home. Day 2 of being home was probably one of the worst, I would be going to the bathroom constantly from all the hydration and come back into bed to have to get up again to throw up. I had zero appetite, just looking at any food made me sick and it got so bad I couldn’t even make it to the bathroom to throw up. I had a basin I basically had to lay down and throw up in. My mouth tasted like medicine and metallic and I couldn’t get the taste out. I was miserable! I was so excited to get home to see the kids, but I could barely even open my eyes or stand to do anything with them. I couldn’t carry my baby girl or even hug the kids. In that moment, I couldn’t see the light.

Day 3 in the middle of the night through my constant vomiting and going to the bathroom, I fell off the bed and couldn’t even get up. My heart was racing and I was panting and I thought I was having a panic attack. I just stayed laying down and didn’t get up. I cried out to God and asked him to help me. I couldn’t do it alone! I don’t know how much time passed but it felt like a long time. I finally got up to go the bathroom, then when I came back and sat back down on the floor, I grabbed the basin and now had to vomit, but there was nothing else coming out, it was hurting so much to get anything out but I felt the urge of it. It was no walk in the park, but I wouldn’t have been able to get through it if it wasn’t for God giving me the strength to keep moving and to get up that night.

Day 4 and 5 was slowly getting better as they prescribed me another anti-nausea medication. I was exhausted but felt better as the nausea subsided. I woke up those days thankful for another day and being able to be home. I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it was because I was reminded that I was never alone. I survived those hard days not by my own strength but because of God.

Day 7 had an unexpected turn which led me to the ER and we know how that turned out. Even in those hard moments and those feelings, we can find our way back to the light. I was thankful I was able to get through Round 1.

Finally home again

After my unexpected visit to the ER for 4 days, I was finally able to come home again for a week before going back to the hospital for round 2. This last week at home went by quickly, but I embraced every moment I could to be with my husband and kids. I felt so much better and had more energy. I had an appetite and was finally able to eat better. My devotion that morning was very fitting.

I went through messy days but I trusted in Him and He was my peace to help me through it. The circumstances shouldn’t touch my peace. The peace He gives me is sufficient.

I made it home in time for my daughter turning 1 years old. I was disappointed that I wasn’t able to plan the party I originally had for her because of all that has been going on and to protect my health. I had decorations and plans for her big day but we needed to adjust and find a way to still celebrate her life and blessing to our lives. Little did i know, my sister, best friends and family had planned to make her day just as special. They used the decorations we got and came over and decorated our backyard for her birthday. We were so blessed to have family and friends that would love on her, too. God really does show His love to us in many ways and after the weeks I had, God showed me the light again through His people.

Family and friends showed up that day and while keeping me safe and at a distance, they were able to sing my baby girl happy birthday and celebrate her and celebrate God’s goodness in even the hardest of times. He shows His light.

My family and friends showed up that day also wearing a shirt to show me that He’s gotcha! God’s got me.

He’s Gotcha

“Fear not; for I am with you: be not dismayed; for I am your God: I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” Isaiah 41:10

God's plans are perfect.

In the waiting it's hard

But It's worth it.

We don’t see it right away

But the timing is perfect.

Let down our Guard

Let down our Control

To open up to what

God has in store.

I give it to you, God

You are perfect.

In time, we will see

Your plans are perfect.


Nobody loves to wait, especially when what you're waiting for determines the next course of action of your life, quite literally. My life... hearing i have cancer was shocking to say the least but waiting for what can be done to save my life was even heavier on my heart.

After my biopsy on July 18th, we had to wait until i got a call from the Sarcoma clinic to come in for the results. Finally, an appointment was scheduled for July 29th.

It was a little over a week away. They sent out the usual protocol reminder email and what to expect. It would begin with a blood test, meet the doctors, get examined and a course of action for my cancer care would be determined. Finally more answers to my many questions I had.

The day finally arrived. We got there earlier than expected and had some time to relax with my husband, sister and my baby girl. My sister came with me to watch her while we were at the appointment.

After what felt longer than what it probably was, the doctors came in and examined me. They repeated most of what i already knew. I had my questions ready, but unfortunately none of them were answered. My Biopsy needed to be further reviewed by Pathologists in order to confirm what type, subtype and the course of action that needed to be made. I asked Dr. S what stage i was in, i vividly remember him saying, “with this type of cancer and how aggressive it is, the question is more , Are we able to remove the tumours successfully." They weren't even sure if it can be removed.

That was a lot to hear and with no real resolution. It can often leave us so helpless. I reminded myself that there's a purpose for everything and even when we don't know what it is, God's in control and His plan is in the works.

Dr. S did put a glimmer of hope that since we don't have all the facts to just wait on it. He said that a surgeon was going to contact me after the Pathologists review and talk about surgery. Surgery was the number one way to remove the cancer. Then before i knew it, all that waiting and the appointment was done. They scheduled a two week follow-up, regardless if the pathologists or surgeons reached out.

In all honesty, i left the appointment feeling a little disappointed. I was thinking i would be getting answers and a plan ahead but i was left even more unsure, uncertain and uneasy. I always needed a plan and not having one at this point made me feel this way. That's the problem, my need for a plan was showing me that I had some control about what was going on with my life, but i didn't. God has a plan and it wasn't going to be based on what I wanted. I would say this verse to myself every time I felt this doubt.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29: 11

This is one of my favourite verses but something about it hit me harder this time. His plans are to give me a hope and a future. It's His plans and not mine and I needed to wait on it. When I got home I reflected on this and believed that I had a future and I just needed to wait on the plans that God set ahead of me.

My symptoms never really changed in the waiting. I still had a distended belly, low energy and could barely eat anything and when i did , i would often feel uneasy and full very fast. Everyday felt longer but then i read, “Everyday of waiting is another day of learning to trust Him.” in a blog called Waiting for God by Dr. Michelle Bengsten and I felt a shift in my thinking. Where do i put my focus while waiting? When you don't dwell on the waiting and what you're waiting for, you learn to appreciate the time and have peace in Him. From then, i took each day as a gift and thanked the Lord for another day and remembered that He's got me!

“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, And in His word i do hope.” Psalm 130:5

A week past and the waiting was over. I received an urgent email from the Oncology nurse wanting to move up our phone appointment to that afternoon. Instead of a follow-up next week, i would expect a call from Dr. S within a few hours at 2:00pm today!

It was 12:30pm and my phone rang, it was Dr. S. I started to wonder why the urgent email, urgent call scheduled and now he's calling even earlier than planned. Dr. S was a little more easy going and laid back when we met him last week. He didn't seem like the same doctor on the phone. I began to feel nervous as this very serious tone was coming from the other end. Dr. S said firmly, “the Pathologists have reviewed my file and we can't wait any longer. With how large and quickly the tumours have grown, the surgeon has also said that surgery cannot be done up front as it's too difficult.”

He stated that it's confirmed that I have dedifferentiated liposarcoma (DDLPS) which is an aggressive subtype of a category of cancers called soft tissue sarcoma. This subtype has a poor prognosis but we will need to get started on treatment right away. He suggested that in just 5 days to start a double agent/dose of chemotherapy. I remember him stating, “This is very hard and it will definitely not be a walk in the park, but since you are still young, you can do it.” None of this has been a walk in the park and this was no different, the number one way of removing this tumour was no longer possible at this moment and now I needed to fight this battle with chemotherapy to hopefully shrink it. They weren't even sure if going through this was even going to help but it was something we needed to start right away. Along with starting double agent chemotherapy, there are side effects and changes I needed to make.

• No longer allowed to breastfeed my baby

• No longer able to have more children

• Risk of heart failure

• Risk of more infections

• Guaranteed hair loss

• Nausea, Vomiting and Constipation

So in just 5 days I had to go to the hospital and stay there for 4 days for double chemotherapy each round. Then, every 3rd week go back and repeat and go through 6 rounds of this, in hopes that it would shrink. I couldn't help but think about leaving my husband and kids, especially my 10 month old daughter who I haven't been away from for more than a couple hours.

That is definitely a lot to take in. You go through some waiting and then that peace you finally felt during the wait seems harder to find. There was finally a plan in place for my treatment, isn't that what I wanted? Yes, but it didn't take away from the fact that this mountain I was about to climb was going to be difficult. Then, I saw this picture on my feed with the words, “Lord, I know you will not always move the mountain, but give me the strength to climb it.” I remembered I'm not alone and God's plans are still perfect and now there's a plan for me to fight this. I remember hearing this and it stuck, “The first report is not the final report.” God's not done with me yet.

The final report will be different because God's plans are perfect. He's not done yet. Cancer doesn't get the final word, Jesus does.

As I heard the word come out of the doctor's mouth I couldn't help but linger on it in complete disbelief. Did I hear that correctly?

It took a couple minutes for that to sink in as I was trying to listen to everything else she was saying. I am normally pretty good at retaining information, but I found it so hard to listen to the rest of it.

As I gathered myself and wrapped my mind on what she was saying, I heard the doctor tell me that the diagnosis was a type of Liposarcoma and that It couldn't be fully confirmed until my Biopsy. My results and future treatment was recommended to be taken downtown at the Sarcoma clinic.

Okay, that's it…. It's real I thought.

Who would have thought that at 38 years old, while on Maternity leave I would be diagnosed with Cancer. It really puts everything into perspective that we don't have control over our own lives. Our plans are our plans and God’s plans are greater. While I can't understand why this is happening to me, I believe my God is greater than this disease. Ultimately, there must be a reason.

My name is Arabelle. You may know me personally or have seen or heard about me but i’m going to be sharing about how in just those few minutes my life changed and will never be the same.

IT ALL STARTED…

On Sunday July 13th, I went to the ER because I had been noticing a distended stomach for awhile and i didn't think much of it at first. I am still postpartum and had a baby 10 months ago. I had gotten blood work and gotten scheduled for an ultrasound later that week, but my stomach seemed to have grown more and was pretty hard and with much convincing from my husband, I decided to go to the ER.

After hours of waiting, 2 ultrasounds and a CT Scan, the doctor confirmed my stomach was large because of 2 huge tumours. One is actually as large as 30cm in size (the size of a ruler, 2 hot dogs, 2 crisp bills!) How on earth is that in my belly and there's another one?!

When we hear unexpected bad news, we are shocked, shaken, sad, angry and often questioning, “Why me?!”

I was a little numb to the feeling at first, not really sure how I felt until it sunk in and I broke down. I wasn't even thinking about myself at that moment but about my husband and my kids.

I was finally in a hospital room in the Oncology floor. I met my nurse. She had a big smile and a joyful spirit as she greeted me. Little did I know this nurse would be God's reminder to me that He's got me.

As she was checking my vitals she asked me if I have kids. I said yes, I have two: A boy who is 5 and a 10 Month old baby girl. She paused and said that I remind her of herself. She said I was diagnosed with Cancer in 2016 and I also found out in the ER room and my kids were really young then. She had Stage 4 Cancer and went through 6 rounds of Chemotherapy and I'm still here she said. She became a nurse for Oncology to help people like herself. At that moment I let out a sigh of relief. Wow I said, that's amazing, God is so good! She said, do you believe? I said yes and she said she believed in God, too. She told me she prays 30 minutes before coming into work in her car and God pointed her to me.

AMEN!

As I gathered myself while I was finally alone in the hospital room, I felt God's presence wrapped around me and He reminded me again that it was going to be okay. I may not know why this is happening and how it's all going to be okay but I just had peace that it would. That's the thing about Faith, you just feel it and know.

The day I got discharged, the nurse was there again and she met my sister and brother in law and she told them her inspiring story, too. Words we all can't get out of our heads that she said to us was that…

HE'S GOT YOU! GOD'S GOT YOU! YOU'VE GOT THIS!