For how long will you drown yourself in money in work

Don’t you know you’ve already drowned in my eyes

Don’t you know your soul craves for mine

Don’t you see how ready I am to embrace you all, in my smiles

For how long will you let the past hurt convince you I too will leave after a few nights

For how long will you look for me and my intensity in her and then her and then her

You’re dying alive

Don’t you know I already gave you my heart

Don’t you see how much I fought my own demons for me to open my arms and dissolve into yours

Don’t you see I am not here for moments, I’ve been here for lifetimes

Don’t you remember the scar on my stomach from our last life

For how long will you live like this

For how long will you resist me and my luminescence

For how long shall I wait when I’ve already been waiting for my whole life

In the very first stare I knew it was you

But my love, how long will you take to put the armour down

How long will you take to realise it’s always been me all along.

~Arushi Rana

Like the kid in the temples finding divine

And I’ve been trying to reach that self of mine

That I see in you and your brown eyes

You walked inside and I felt the divine

You put on your hands on mine

And I felt you were mine

But you just came to remind me of the scars

And you just came so I could reach-out to my own heart

I saw the little kid in you and I tried to love him with all of his blues

But I can’t fill the void

And I can’t even escape mine

I think you just came

So I could reach the child in me

I think you just came

To look for god within me

Deep through the dark and eternities

My demons danced with yours

I was never meant to be yours

But I fell in love with me

And I love you for making me reach

To the 5 year old me

I love you for making me feel.

~ Arushi

One day you’re suicidal and the next you’re so excited for the next day you can’t even sleep, I don’t quite know how I overcame so much or how I became the girl I wanted to be when I was 13, I feel relief and grief too. To find myself at ease after a whole war like life is very weird to me, and come on this is what I Alwayssssssss wanted and I have it now. When did I get here, how did this happen, I have no idea.

I am currently lowkey in monk mode trying to 10x my finances and get totally financially free , I haven’t been talking to anyone except for work people, my family and my close 2 3 friends. I see myself doing very very good in the span of the next 1-2 years. These visions haunt me with hope, the work ethic along with alignment tests my patience and fears every single minute of the day, I am becoming someone I always dreamed of becoming and yet I have achieved a lot of what I wanted.

Honestly at this point all I would want is to marry a nice guy after 2 3 years, travel, have a girl, spoil my loved ones and keep building and helping. It’s also weird because I never thought I would want to marry but honestly I’ve realised after all the money and success you do want a good person by your side smiling at your wins and supporting at your lows, a simple person who gets you and lets you be yourself. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma from men but I still do believe in hope and a beautiful union.

Nothing is more fulfilling than being at peace and at fire at the same time, being loved and pushed beyond your limits at the same time, being accepted for all your flaws and being loved so much into expansion at the same time.

I am simply a girl who likes to experience and love and help people, I am simply a girl who wants to lower people’s burdens a little and offer warmth, I am simply a girl with crazy and sweet versions of me, I do things and relationships whole heartedly or not at all, I can’t half ass on things so yeah life is going pretty intense and beautiful at the same time.

Thank you for reading

I couldn’t sleep 💗

over heart , mind and life leading to

the curiosity in a hole.

The fetishes to define life in words

over some few years of experiences,

constricting the possibilities of variances.

A billion years of creation

with man just a dot on the Earth.

Considering himself the designer,

when he’s just here for minute purposes and to

live the wonders before he dies or maybe rebirths.

Definition of love , life and all his philosophies ,

but it’s actually learning and exploration of this

unpredictable life with indefinite mythologies.

What is life is not just one’s experiences is all I know!

It’s more to explore with it’s core unknown.

It’s a realm of innumerable possibilities then why have we let the word “limitations” take over our souls.

It’s a never ending cycle then why do we let our experiences hold us back to theories instead of

discovering the unknown series.

At 90 also you must know there is so much more

Life cannot be defined my man ,

It’s a limitless undefined decor.

Thus I believe that experiences are really gold

but life is a mine of resources yet to be unshadowed.

       -Arushi Rana

Forgiveness or bitterness.

Peace of mind or revenge.

Smiles or judgements.

Loving or leaving.

I used to walk through places with a heavy heart.

How could they be so rude, how could she bully me, how could he do that me, how could he cheat and break my heart , how could she betray me.

And we all do ,

We all crumble at some time,

we all say how a person was an Asshole right?

But tell me what is more difficult?

Jealousy or calmness?

Hate or love?

Because shooting a bullet takes five seconds

but pulling it out might take 6 hours.

So tell me who is stronger?

The one who judges or the one who smiles

understands and lets go.

The one who takes revenge or the one who feels happy because their love found ‘their love.’

The one who fights you for why you talked to strangers or the one who trusts you to never question.

The one who bullies or the one who knows why that person bullies.

Growing up I realised that nothing can be taken personal.

But I may understand and support everyone I can.

I can be kind and happy for everyone around.

I cannot be jealous because my love is as deep as the ocean so why would I worry about lakes.

I cannot judge because I don’t know what she went through.

I can’t call him rude because I don’t know how many times he broke.

What can we tell?

Nothing!

But can we not be kind and loving without expectations?

Because the problem is you think , superficially.

You think ‘you’ helped that poor child.

You think ‘you’ loved them.

You think ‘you’ supported someone in need.

But do you ever think how grateful you are because of them?

Do you ever think that it is not them you are being kind to but yourself?

~Arushi

I ran away and pushed the cries in

my hip bones and stomach.

I broke his heart for I was scared of

being loved and being hurt.

And somewhere I wanted him to come back and hold me but he didn’t.

And somewhere in my existence I felt freedom yet I am stuck.

Stuck in what if he loves me the way he said he would.

Stuck in what if he hugs my darkness the way he said he could.

Stuck in what if he makes me feel the love I never had.

But again I remember if he wanted to he would.

I buried the love which was just in its infant stage.

I buried the child in me which again expected the same.

I buried my kindness to not hurt him because I was hurt.

Then again it was beautiful till it lasted.

Then again I murdered the hope of being loved I had in my leg’s plastids.

                                    -Arushi Rana

I was raised in a Haryanvi family and no matter what masks my parents put on to seem progressive they are still stuck in the same old shitty mindset in a lot of ways.

And I have been a rebel ever since I could remember, I’ve always been the angry distant daughter with an armour on and most days I wasn’t even fighting for myself but for my younger sisters to not go through the same shit I had to.

So I started dating an amazingg guy when I was 16 and everything was beautiful, for the first and last time I put my armour down for love. He was everything you would want : supportive, loving, respectful, handsome, hardworking and a soft heart but one thing he lacked was courage and the strength to fight and I am full of courage because life left me no choice. He grew up a single child in a very supportive family and I grew up the eldest daughter in a very misogynistic and abusive family. He never understood and could never truly empathise with me and my pain as much as he adored my strength. But honestly as a girl who’s been on guard all her life needs a space where she can be vulnerable and not strong for once.

My late teenage years were intense and left me with no one except for him, we were supposed to go to college together but he went where his friends did without even considering me even though we were planning that for more than a year when the time for execution came he did not stick to his word( that was my first cue)

I had to drop a year because I got very mentally sick and couldn’t even then go to my dream university because of the lack of parental support and those few months were the most lost I felt and was the most vulnerable time when I needed him to have my back but he was in college and slowly even calls got reduced to once or twice in days and honestly I was too sick and depressed to notice.

I started to lose my trust and safety in him and even when I got raped I couldn’t tell him because ( maybe I didn’t feel safe enough to, maybe because my body picked on his patterns before my conscience did, maybe because I was too shocked to) I don’t know.

Also his mom was tooooo attached to him and I get it he’s your only child but let the fucker grow into a man, I don’t blame him for this but I saw how my life would have been slowly compromised in ways with him. He couldn’t speak up in front of his parents and never made choices originally and I don’t blame him for that either but all my life has been war for basic rights and I saw how this man won’t speak up for me if he can’t speak up for himself. On surface he was a nice guy and even my mother loved him but my intuition kept screaming at me.

I didn’t understand back then what was happening and why was I losing it for a guy I imagined my whole life with but the universe has better plans always.

I was ambitious back then even more than I am now and he seemed supportive of it until the time to show the support came. I saw him pulling back at my worst when I needed him the most. For 6 months it seemed he wasn’t even present in my life while I was struggling for mine. No wonder words don’t matter to me now.

I was a teenager too and I didn’t know back then how to catch the patterns but if I look back at it now.

He realised my worth after I broke up with him instead of being there for me when I was with him.

He couldn’t have ever spoken up for me and I would have ended up in the chains of misogyny again with a cowardly man

He literally mistook me crying and breaking down at physical intimacy ( I got raped man I couldn’t handle a touch ) for me losing interest in him instead of providing a safe space to open up

He would literally glorify his mother’s struggle for strength and I realised he was doing the same with me

Even though to everyone he looked like a perfect man on the surface, something deeper was bothering me but I couldn’t name it back then

Yes he would open all the doors, gift me flowers and lots of things whenever he took me out, was very good with his words, was a romantic too and I have some very beautiful memories with him

But you cannot build a life with a man who lacks courage especially when you’re full of it, you cannot build a life with a man who cannot fight for you and with you, and let’s be real this world isn’t all rainbows and you have to have a dog in you if you really want to live it your way. And you especially as an ambitious woman cannot build a life with a man who lacks a strong emotional backbone. You cannot build a life with a man who’s lustful. You cannot build a life with a man who gives up easily on his dreams or worse doesn’t even know what his dreams are. You cannot build a life with a man who can’t speak up against misogyny and what’s wrong.

Even though I didn’t realise it back then my intuition forced me to leave and it was heartbreaking but I couldn’t stay anymore and who he became after the heartbreak was a huge proof of why god pulled me away and I am grateful for it.

so yeah this was just a rant since I was feeling some grief today as he kept blaming me for leaving for it isn’t a blame game and love is not enough to build something solid or maybe love is but he didn’t understand what love meant back then.

I really believe to love means to fight for your girl and be a safe space for her especially when she doesn’t have it anywhere else but anyways I ended up surviving and understood what I really want and yet grateful for the experience for teaching me young :)

Is it the wait for the text or

Is it the body shaking setback?

Is it the hormones of being perplexed or

Is it the relief of getting back?

Midnights are mysterious yet reveal

the depths of our identities.

And I really wonder that 12am

has seen more emotions than personalities.

We are vulnerable and full of smiles.

We speak the truth but sometimes the tears

would wanna make you lie.

It can be the best concert or maybe

just a lonely night.

But those midnight emotions teaches you a lot  despite the pain and the delight.

It could be the best sex of your life or

the nightmare of an unimaginable cry.

It could be burgers from mcD with your siblings

Or just the journal with your anxious scribbling.

It could be late night talks or just silent walks.

But whatever it is,

Hold those midnights close to your heart

Cherish those moments even when you’re feeling dark.

Because the 12ams loved you unconditionally with who you are.

Because the 12ams saw more than just the pretending and the masks.

                             -Arushi Rana

the zephyr of my grey and the comfort in the pain.

The oversized hoodies I wear and glasses on my face , ready to escape through my world of books and solitude .

Sometimes I wonder  what I really want to do?

I do cry when I have no one to tell my happy stories to ,

but then at a cafe with people, I think wasn’t it better in my own room?

I want exposure but my heart gets scared too,

I was a wildflower but burning through these years got me stuck between what I should and shouldn’t do.

Now it’s a palette of mixed glitters with pink and blues.

Pink says I should love and trust and care for people and go out in groups,

but blue wants me to stay in , reminding what happened the last time when I was with a bunch of ice cubes.

                                    -Arushi Rana

It’s not dead but it’s not alive either

When the weight of the experiences and the hope for the new experiences debate with each other

What happens when your body and your mind wants to give up but your heart burns with all that you want to create

What happens when the society wants to oppress and condition your mind but the soul screams about authenticity and the divine

i want to be free

I want to break through it all

I want to shatter but on my own terms

I want to then rebuild myself from the mold of the desires within.

I don’t ask much, just for my heart and mind to agree.

Just for the fears to understand the hope I have left in me.

I want to create and be

But what do I do when the spark within cries and screams to be put out but then the society kills every bit of me slowly.

-Arushi Rana

Being the eldest means being the first lamb to the slaughter INDEED:

The only motivation which kept me going through suicidal years were my little sisters, ever since we were kids I raised them to make sure they don’t grow up absorbing the scarcity, abuse, insecurity and lack of love I did and even though I cannot totally eradicate their destiny too but I tried my best to give them a space for their dreams to grow with nurture unlike mine which resisted like a wildflower.

I used to paint A LOT as a kid, all I wanted was crayons and brushes and colours and art-files and canvases, that was my whole world and I didn’t ask for anything more. Tragedy was that I was also good at academics and then eventually forced to be good at it so my father could fulfil his dream of being an engineer and one by one all my interests were slaughtered the moment I became good at them.

First one in the line was painting, I won numerous prizes ever since I was a kid and many called me too good for my age, I didn’t care about being good at all; all I wanted was to paint and I kept resisting and creating until one day my father threw all of my art collection so I could FOCUS more on my studies. My mother tried her best to let me paint and would secretly buy me colours and canvases but the damage was done. Even though I grew up hearing about things like ART DON’T PAY BILLS AND IS NOT A SERIOUS THING, I didn’t care until it was all gone in front of my eyes. I guess that was the first lesson of letting it go or my first heartbreak. I cried for days and the grief has still not left my heart at 21. After that day all I can think of when I paint is my father yelling at my mom for buying me art supplies and throwing away my precious work of YEARS. I gave up painting after that grade and took science…..

The second in the line was sport. I played basketball, badminton and karate. My favourite was karate and after crying and begging he let me play nationals and my foolish self thought if only I could win and prove it to him that I am really good at it, he would let me play( a reason for me loving karate was also that it avoided me from feeling powerless like I felt for years being sexually assaulted by my uncle) I started winning nationals and eventually a sponsorship was offered and trust me I was on cloud nine because my father didn’t have to pay for any of it anymore but guess what happened. He totally stopped me from going to the academy because I was getting DISTRACTED from my studies ( even though I was still scoring in 90s while playing) another dream shattered before my eyes.

The third in line was fashion designing; ever since I was a kid, fashion and creativity came naturally to me maybe because my mother was an artist too but when I realised I couldn’t pursue science and math anymore in 12th grade because it was taking a huge toll on my mental health I gathered the courage to tell my father that I wanted to pursue fashion designing as a career rather than engineering and this time the reaction was so bad, I don’t even feel comfortable writing about it here but that day I realised if I wanted to follow any of my dreams, I would have to do it alone.

The sad part was these were not the only things he denied, every creative thing I loved doing like baking, crafts, modelling, speaking was taken away from me by force. I started modelling at 16 secretly and made my first amount of big money but when he found out, I was locked in my room for days without food and he didn’t let me out until I cried and cried more about how I will never do it anymore. I was still secretly working side by side as a content writer and tried every possible thing to gather some savings because I would have chosen to die than kill my dreams anymore.

I thought if only I could study hard enough, that could be my escape so I studied really hard along along with working and as much as I hated science and math I managed to get into Harvard and Yale and many other good colleges but here I was again “You couldn’t get into IIT so that means you’re not good enough and we won’t waste so much money on a daughter anyways” I had some scholarship but that wasn’t enough to fund everything and another dream was shattered in front of my eyes.

I also tried killing my self after all this but god didn’t let me die either. I got so depressed after school was over and everything I went through and suppressed all my childhood came up and for 3 years only I know how I persisted but all I could think of was my sisters and how they are even more talented than me and I couldn’t see them going through the same. I worked hard and started building a company, I SECRETLY DROPPED OUT of the local college my parents made me join ( a partial reason was I couldn’t take them taunting me for paying my tuition fee everyday and another reason was I knew I was made for more)

While I was in college I would have panic attacks very often and was very sick but gladly my professors were the first adults in my whole life who helped me, they did everything possible to help and one of my professors would cancel the whole lecture if I had a panic attack and would talk to me personally. She gave me the courage to drop out assuring me how she knew I was made for big things the first time I talked to her. Everyone around me saw my potential but how come my parents didn’t ( or my parents did too but they only wanted me to do what they thought was the best) Anywaysss I took the leap of faith because what was the worst that could happen.

Now at 21 I am doing good. My business is finally allowing me the space and funding to pursue my dreams and most importantly I fought enough to shut my parents up to a point so my sisters can do whatever they want to. They don’t have much fear because they know they got me in every possible way. One of my sisters is 17 and studying PCB and she’s phenomenal at painting and I tell her do what she really wants, I got her back. My other sister is 13 and she is phenomenally good at crafts, baking and cooking and got crazy modelling potential too and my heart fills up with so much happiness that all my war all my childhood and teenage years could break some generational curses but it also fills me up with so much grief of who would have I turned out to be if I had some support like they do of mine.

Guess we’ll never know but no achievement makes me feel as happy as their smiles and love and trust do. I really believe if you sacrifice your dreams for another in the name of love, you eventually start resenting them so I am changing the narrative; I am following my passions and even more importantly finally allowing my body to rest and release everything I went through to survive to let my sisters follow theirs without guilt.

I know a lot of times the eldest sibling dies emotionally in this war of breaking the pattern and they try for their younger siblings to live but don’t do that. Live yours too, chase your dreams too so that they can see an actual role model you never had and be courageous enough to follow their true goals.

I still struggle emotionally and it’s almost impossible for me to paint now but I have all my life and I will one by one follow all of my interests be it in my 20s or 30s or 40s or 50s

I don’t care to rush too but me and my sisters have a space to let our dreams breathe and that’s all that matters.

I feel like drowning in the milky way of my depths

I feel like being so much yet nothing.

No one.

“A star is a star”

It needs to shine , shine so bright girl.

I want to shine and I sin.

But what is a sin?

Do I just blame myself for everything.

Somedays I don’t want to shine, I want to drown.

Away from everyone and everything.

Just two arms who won’t hurt me like glass in my stomach but calmness in my breasts.

Someone who would hide me from all the darkness , absorb every bit of it.

Yet I wanna shine.

I have synonyms of myself.

Cheerful, therapeutic, sexy, intelligent, broken, crazy.

But can he love all of it?

Can I shine and yet drown.

But everyone loves a star.

I am a star.

I live in darkness and yet I shine.

I gulp loneliness and yet make a glorious galaxy .

I have scars and burns and yet here I am .

A star.

                                   -Arushi Rana

There’s love on my heart

There’s intensity too raw to just hide in my arms.

Too dark, too sweet, too MUCH, too deep.

Always too much.

I gave and gave and then gave some more but it never ends.

To be held but not just a part of me,

I want to be loved for everything that I am

The pain in my eyes, the love on my smiles, the calmness in my voice or the fears between my thighs.

I grow poison of intensity in my mind so why do I feel apathetic during the nights.

It’s cold but the truth cannot hide and if it finds me again, I hope it loves my shadows just as much as the light.

Only if it sees the tremble in my hands,

The echo of screams I’ve swallowed in silence and the cries

Let it sit with the ache I carry like skin,

And not ask me to flinch any less or strip off too thin.

Let it kiss the rage that blooms in my stillness,

And cradle the chaos that dances behind my ribs.

I am not a half or a part or a piece

I am whole, even in shatter, even in scream.

So if love dares to knock again,

Let it come not with soft lies or timid hands—

But with eyes brave enough to see me all,

And a heart wild enough to stay, strong enough to help me expand.

In my rawness.

~Arushi Rana

It’s also about being attached to the “idea you have for them”, the expectations you have for yourself and others, the attachment to your plan, the attachment to the results, the attachment to an IDENTITY YOU FORMED SUBCONSCIOUSLY in order to PLEASE SOCIETY, to please your parents, your friends, your teachers, your idols.

The thing is life is uncertain and it always will be, you can become a millionaire in a month but you can also die tomorrow and i take this very seriously because I saw the most unexpected in life so don’t expect, do things but don’t attach yourself to them, love people but don’t attach to the idea of them, grow yourself and let go of who you were, you might find new goals, you might not be the same person in a year, you might be changing your career and country totally.

YOU NEVER KNOW SO DON’T TRY TO.

Just let go and experience.

I will start this writing by a personal experience I faced and not that I have only one but this one specifically made me question everything:

One time I was on a road trip to Kashmir from Dehradun while bleeding, I am the eldest child in my family and my father raised me more like a son than a daughter which is a failure is my perception because for a woman to be strong, she does not have to become like a man. He made me drive all the way from Dehradun to Pathankot and I love driving but it was the first day of my period and I was conditioned to see my pain as something “normal” so even though I could have said no and let my body rest, I drove with cramps and pain which was deeply suppressed.

On day two of my period, my father was driving and I was in the backseat on the verge of an extreme emotional breakdown but ofcourse we are conditioned to smile and act like it is all okay: so I did the same until the cramps got way to intense and I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore, I was sobbing quietly still while my grandmother was asking me to shut up because a man( my father) was in the car with us and shouldn’t notice I am bleeding.

We were on the highway with no toilets and I had to use one as soon as possible, it kept getting intense so now I was nauseous, anxious and in pain too intense to hide and I started yelling and screaming loudly. Usually when this happened at home my father walked by because it is NORMAL, but in the car my pain became uncomfortable and unavoidable. He started driving fast so we could find a restroom. After we found a place, he asked my mother “ Is it really that intense or am I just too fragile” my mother was speechless because she was conditioned to reject nurturing too.

Let’s be honest periods are intense and even though every woman experiences different variations of pain, is it definitely not easy especially in this fucking broken system where a woman is denied care and space for when she is most vulnerable physically as well as emotionally. We are not even allowed the space to feel while our internal worlds are falling apart.

Nine out of ten people I interact with don’t even have the basic knowledge of how a woman’s cycle works. They don’t even know what the words

Follicular, luteal means ; only ovulation because she is the most ‘fuckable’ during that time and it’s so painful to sit with the fact that women have been reduced to providing pleasure and sex and children while being totally neglected for every other aspect of her.

I cannot imagine a man doing even a percentage of doing everything we do while constantly bleeding and our hormones slithering. The saddest part is because of all this conditioning we as women are also made to believe we shouldn’t rest on our periods.

Hustle culture was made for men because they have a 24 hour cycle whereas we have a 28 days cycle. THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE IN HOW OUR BODIES BIOLOGICALLY FUNCTION.

Work culture was made for men because mother fucker if you got period , there would have been an international menstrual holiday while a leave for women is denied saying “she won’t be competitive in the work scenarios and that no one would hire her” Blasphemy

Women’s uterus were removed for them to be able to work EFFICIENTLY. WE ARE NOT MAD ENOUGH AND DON’T EVEN QUOTE EQUALITY AND FEMINISM HERE because equality doesn’t mean I want to become a man, feminism doesn’t mean I give away my whole essence of being a woman to compete. Feminism meant we have the same opportunity and support from the system like men have. Because let’s be real women have Alwayssssssss worked, we have been fighting to get paid the same way.

Even after all the education and internet access, modern men are still failing us at empathy and care. “Just relax, have some water” you should be grateful I don’t have a gun.

How many of you guys have actually studied a woman’s body, you want to fuck one anytime of the day, you loveeee a woman’s body probably more than anything in this world but how many of you even know about a woman’s body. I don’t even want to talk about the lack of effective research for us but the lack of personal research every person can easily make to have a basic knowledge and idea of what we go through every fucking month. It’s not just a week, the week before periods is even worse but how many of you even know that.

I AM MAD AND FULL OF RAGE

And to all the women, we can’t break or improve a system if we keep obeying it. Express your pain loud, scream and yell at those cramps, you don’t owe any mother fucker a smile. Don’t be gullible at work or school , let the men around you suffer. Don’t be ashamed of your blood and stains because human life itself would have been extinct if we didn’t bleed.

Your blood is sacred, your body is sacred and your suffering should be given the space and care. Don’t sleep with a man who doesn’t have the basic knowledge, tell the guy to research before he touches, and if he wants to be in your body but pull away when you’re bleeding, REMOVE TOTAL ACCESS. Let your fathers and brothers see the discomfort for themselves and please stop gulping your screams and pain. If the women before us would have showed the inconvenience openly, things could have been a little different.

Just because we bleed every month doesn’t mean it’s OKAY.

People who grow up in lack have difficulty with money because the subconscious is wired for lack and not abundance

Abundance is present everywhere, limitations is what we make.

If you feel anxious about charging your services or products at a better price or quitting a job even when you know you can do better, it is the subconscious narrating your story.

Abundance flows where it is already present and welcomed like how all rivers join the oceans when it’s the desert which needs the water the most ( metaphorical example)

Similarly it doesn’t matter how bad you need the money, needing it infact repels it from you and trust me I was put in a state of having no income for monthss to understand it’s not that important if you can fix your mindset around it, i still went on a trip and slept on the railway station, I ate my lunches at an old couple’s house because they loved my energy, I worked weird jobs which people would be scared to do especially in India, I detached my need of food as well as luxury even though my parents made sure to provide us with the best but again I saw them building from scarcity and my brain was programmed accordingly.

I built a company anyways and give away most of my profits to charity, not because I have a lot but because I programming my brain to understand money is just a game of energy and the mindset. The less you need it, the more it flows but not needing it doesn’t mean you reject it, you have to reassure to your body and nervous system that it’s safe for you to achieve the x amount.

Luck plays a big factor along with hard work is what my dad says but luck is nothing more than what’s in your subconscious, if you can convince it that you are lucky and persist with that belief while slowly embodying it, it will follow. It requires patience though. There won’t be quick results but when it flows it will be more than the past you could have imagined.

DM me to learn how to do it if you want to understand more :)

I personally believe that art is something which happens to a person long before they make it and often leads to mental and emotional exhaustion if not expressed freely.

They say that excellence and self doubt often co exist together but who is defining what excellence is: I’ve seen people saying the same thing here on the internet and getting a very different response from the algorithm and audience which made me wonder what “good enough even is”

It makes me feel sad at times how art is reduced to who likes it or not when it’s really just about expression. As an artist when you don’t free yourself from the shackles of creating to please the audience instead of letting your soul out, you reduce yourself to some criteria which doesn’t even exist.

The value of an artwork is often invisible to the creator because of the conditioning society has imposed that it is only valuable if it pleases and that is how artists are controlled too but creativity doesn’t care about validation at all, it thrives in the doing, in the expression so free that existence itself becomes your audience without you even trying.

When you start creating with your soul as the witness and the anchor, creation becomes movement, it becomes meditation, it becomes a trance and most importantly it becomes the gateway to your freedom and contentment.

Like they talk the smooth talk but they pretending

So I juss wanna know babyboy what you really thinking

What’s really on your mind when you see me talking all my fantasies

looking through the destiny

Who you really are when you’re not impressing me.

I wanna know baby i wanna know

Who you are beneath the surface,

beneath the aesthetics

beneath the “what you upto and where you are”

Like when the darkness comes upon, do you cry or punch the walls

When the fear clouds your mind, will it be me for you to call?

Who you are ?

Who you are?

The curiosity is thrilling but it’s killing me

I see perfection but I need to see more

Your scars, your dreams

Wanna be the one you breathe it all in with

Wanna be the one you see stars with when you’re speaking.

When you’re dreaming and we can build it all

So tell me boy

Who you are

Who you are

I FEEL RAGE

I feel so angry at the labels

For the women

The saint? The whore? The good girl? The characterless?

I mean why did I have to feel shame for being raped

Why did I have to feel so bad for a crime committed by another

5 year old me would have never.

Yet here I am incapable of physical intimacy again….

Society teaches shame

Society shames the sexuality of a woman which is the centre of creation itself

Society wants a woman to be a mother but hate her sexuality

I hate being called a good girl

Because the ‘good’ all my life meant “being okay with suppression” and being slut shamed for “expression”

I don’t dress to please or fit in.

I will wear a saree or nothing at all….

Only IF I WANT TO….

I FEEL RAGE

As a kid, I was vibrant, very curious, full of life, full of love and I Alwayssssssss asked questions (uncomfortable and weird ones). I found people asking my parents what is even making a 5 year old think about such things with such depth, I found adults actually talking to me and feeling helped, maybe the healer in me was shaped in the past lifetime, I used to meditate with my mom and loved visiting temples, mosques, churches and gurudwaras, I loved being close to nature even more. My mother found me talking to myself often ( i was talking to god) but as I grew up : I lost touch or should I say conditioning took over. I went through every possible thing good enough to completely shatter a person and i will admit, it did( i got raped, sexually assaulted for years as a kid, abused physically and emotionally and I had no one to lean on).

After I finished school, I wanted to leave the country. I got accepted into some of the best universities but I got very sick and bedridden. All the trauma surfaced and all the emotions along with it( i was taught to not cry as a kid and even when i got raped I couldn’t) I took therapy for years, got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was on heavy medications. Nothing helped actually….

The third time I tried to take my life, I found out my body was immuned to the poison ( what the actual fuck, I have the immunity of an insect but I am immuned to posion) I googled a lot about it and the doctors said it could be the line of my ancestry responsible. I didn’t think much about it except the fact that while the poison had some reaction, I felt like I was in a trace witnessing something beyond.

The fourth time , I jumped from the rooftop of a 4th floor but instead of falling forward, my leg slipped and i fell backwards on the floor and hit my head, I would say I felt something beyond me saved me that day. I thought a lot and realised I stopped praying or talking to myself ( god) all those years. I stopped believing in the existence of any god or higher power and I am glad I did ( it is through doubt, you go deep)

If you never question, there will not be an answer. I cried that night for the first time after 5 years and I reached out to god. In a way my ego died and I realised I did everything to save myself and couldn’t ( i was working out, eating very good, studying and chasing goals, getting the sun, therapy ) you know the basics and yet I was suicidal.

From that day onwards my life started to shift and improve itself with time, I had multiple awakenings. I met people who triggered me and people who helped me and then they walked away after their purpose was done.

I found myself surrendering and fearless in certain ways, i was made to face every fear of mine and showed how deeply I was being protected. I might say, I felt god or whatever there is. I got my healing tendencies back and stronger this time. I found myself feeling what a person in front of me is feeling without speaking a word. Lots of pressure and here I am again in isolation.

I believe the only reason left for me to live is to help people and speak of the wisdom I have in my veins( some of it comes naturally and I am just remembering it and some of it through the painful experiences I faced)

Yet I feel free

I am only here for the experience of it

I am not the body, mind or my thoughts

I am still trying to understand what “I am” is

If it even means something.