A few years ago, I met this girl in prep school. To be clear, she was not trying to attract attention from anyone in the class. She was just outgoing and social. As we sat next to each other, I started paying closer attention to her.

One day, I saw that her DMs were flooded with messages from lots of people. However, despite her viewing those messages, she was not replying to many, and I observed that she was being very selective about whom she was replying to.

This made me very curious, because personally at that time I loved it when people messaged me and I always replied to all messages almost instantly. Why was her approach towards this so different, and why is she not replying to those messages despite reading them?

And eventually I asked her.

As an ambitious student, my only goal was studying hard and getting good grades. Topics like dating, attention, setting boundaries, and when to respond to someone? When to pass? I never thought about any of these things. Eventually, I was neglecting to learn about having high self-respect, having high standards, and many things related to dating and social life.

You will ask me, what does this all have to do with having high self-respect and high standards in my life? Bear with me because the advice she has given me about guys and dating has saved me lots of wasted time and heartbreak for many years.

Even if all the tea I am about to spill sounds like a secret ingredient early on, they are not. These are just simple rules every girl should follow, while not many girls are able to follow them regardless of their simplicity.

Rule No. 1: IF HE LIKES YOU, YOU WOULD DEFINITELY KNOW

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. — Maya Angelou

Let’s start with rule number one. And that is: IF HE LIKES YOU, YOU WOULD DEFINITELY KNOW!

This is probably the most important rule or a phase to start something with anyone, and the most time-consuming phase as well. Many of us waste so much time thinking that he probably likes me, but he is shy to show it.

Perhaps this is difficult to hear, but genuine interest has a way of making itself known. When a guy truly wants to pursue you, you rarely have to search for proof of it. So when they show you who they are, please believe them from the first time so you don’t waste time and get disappointed when you finally understand he is just not into you.

It is also important to distinguish when someone is just polite or really likes you; similarly, if someone just replies to you for the sake of replying or if someone has a real conversation with you.

Rule No. 2: DON’T ACT HARD TO GET, BE HARD TO GET

As we move forward to our next rule, by now we are working with one certainty: the interest is mutual

Being hard to get shouldn’t be a rule we force ourselves to follow, or a role we learn to perform. It should simply be a mindset, a natural consequence of already having a life of our own. We have ambitions to pursue, hobbies we care about, places to be and people we want to see. We are not sitting at home waiting for someone to give us attention or hoping they will finally ask us out. Our lives are already full. And because they are full, our time and attention are not endlessly available to everyone who asks for them.

Let’s say your crush asks you for a date or texts you at 3 AM. There is only one simple thing you have to do.

DO NOT ANSWER THAT MESSAGE.

This is such a simple rule, but we girls are either too impatient or scared to implement it. I know this is easier said than done. But trust me, this person is not your only chance at love. You are young, and life will introduce you to people you haven’t even met yet. Never let the fear of losing one person convince you to lower the standards you set for yourself.

The same principle applies when you are invited for a date that is not match your standards and expectations. Do not reply until you get the exact type of date you want from this person.

Rule No. 3: Replying Means Replying

Our next rule is adopting a more straightforward male perspective.

Let’s go back to rule number two. Say a guy does something that you don’t like. Your first instinct might be to respond immediately, perhaps with an angry message, or even accept the date just so you can show him exactly what it means to cross you. But in doing so, you may be giving him the very thing he wanted in the first place: your attention, your response, or access to your time.

The rule is simple: stay silent and don’t respond. This doesn’t mean allowing someone to disrespect you. People make mistakes, and a first mistake may deserve grace and a second chance. But when the same behaviour becomes a pattern, we have to take responsibility for what we continue to allow. If someone repeatedly shows you that they don’t deserve your time or energy, stop giving them endless opportunities to prove otherwise.

Rule No. 4: Being Hard to Get and Being Easy to Spend Time With

This is our last rule and the final stage we want to be in. Since we learned how to be hard to get, now it’s time to be that girl who is easy to spend time with.

This key balance will make us that girl 💅✨.

The idea is simple: when someone makes a genuine effort to arrange a date with us, and then discovers that spending time with us feels warm, effortless, and genuinely enjoyable, the effort suddenly feels worthwhile. The experience becomes its own reward, leaving them wanting to see us again.

I also want to point out how perfectly our previous example connects to this rule, because it reveals an interesting contradiction. If you agree to meet him only to “show him his place” after he has crossed a boundary, you end up becoming the exact opposite of what we have been trying to achieve from the beginning: easily available, yet difficult to spend time with.

You gave him access when you didn’t really want to, only to make that access unpleasant once he got it.

And that is precisely what we want to avoid. The goal is the reverse: be selective about who gets access to you, but warm and enjoyable once you genuinely choose to give it.

But how to be easy to spend time with?

As we discussed in our previous rules, if he plans a date you don’t like, you simply don’t reply, but once you get what you want and agree to meet him, you have to be the easiest person to get along with and talk to. Smile more, be positive and polite, ask nice questions, don’t be judgmental, compliment him if you can, and make him feel good about himself and the experience of going on a date with you.

Finally, looking back, now I understand that there was never any secret ingredient.

She simply understood something I hadn’t learned yet: attention isn’t valuable just because someone gives it to you. You still get to decide who deserves your time and access to you.

But growing up taught me the other half: once someone shows genuine interest, makes the effort you wanted, and you choose to say yes, stop making yourself difficult to reach.

The art was never just being hard to get. It was knowing when to be selective with your time and energy.

Although sharing dating tips and advice is not the core principle of the Ascent Circle Community, I realized how much issues around dating are tied to self-worth, setting boundaries, and self-respect. That’s why I wanted to share some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way with you girls.

So beautiful girls, tell me in the comments: what’s one lesson about dating, boundaries, or self-respect you wish you had learned earlier?

Thanks for reading and interacting with my first publication of the AC After Hours series.

✴︎ If you found my article helpful, please click like, give me your opinion in the comments section, and restack if my article resonated with you. ✴︎

With love,
Ascent Circle Community ♡

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