as i exist on this dying planet

lingering beneath me are centipedes and spiders, bedbugs and ticks

mosquitoes and wasps tangle in my hair and buzzing flies seek refuge in my ears

disease surrounds everything ive ever known

i can almost see the pathogens dancing on every surface

taunting me

how contamination proves itself inevitable

how my horror never cedes

how simply existing makes my skin crawl

how silly i must look for crying over a bug

how i suffocate because they must be in my lungs by now

how their creation feels like a sick joke being played on me by a god i don’t even pray to

still familiar as ever

that same mischief in your eyes

even though you're smaller

please know you're not a bother

please, sit down, don't be so adventurous

adventures, you’ve had years of

it is time to rest, and tell stories of times gone

don't you see? i just want to protect you

even when i sleep, i see visions of you destitute

all i can do is watch, you're impossible to rescue

your hands fit in mine now

your fingers shaky, cold

you've become so stubborn

for someone 83 years old

my arms outstretched, hands grasping desperately

i've been here before

something about moving goal posts

all the while i'm slowing down

i don't chase like i once did

i'm horrifyingly stagnant

and even still, i don't run

i've always preferred fight and flight over freeze

and now i can attest to it, too

my heart beats steady

i feel your warmth, now my eyes are heavy

nightfalls, nightmares no longer scare me

because you're with me

close your eyes

intertwine our fingers

feel my love, for it will always linger

hard days, hard times we'll get through, baby

because i have you, and you'll always have me

heaviness isn't always a physical burden to carry

ignore it long enough and you'll forget it's even there

but it's you

the thick, enveloping smog that starts behind my eyes and dulls me

and soon enough encases my skull

limbs are heavy, steps unsteady

deep breathing becomes wheezing

and i forget why i stood up at all

i try, and fail, to function on autopilot

my boss asks me

"is everything okay?"

whatever my reasoning, he wouldn’t buy it

and how do i explain to a balding man in his fourties

that my uterus hemorrhages heavily and unpredictably,

such a gruesome story for a man’s ears

i hope i don’t collapse right here

he probably doesn't even know the definition of the word "ferritin"

so there's no point in telling him that mine is a four

which is why my work performance is in distress again

years and years of doctors appointments

and the all familiar antiseptic disappointment

"it's all in your imagination."

"it's anxiety. try prozac and meditation."

or maybe i'm just lazy, maybe this is willful stagnation

sometimes i worry that i'll simply fade out of reality

wither away into nothingness, depravity

would i even notice?

i know they would, but too late

without further thought, they’d avert their focus

and it’s onto the next tired woman

her trust is not yet spoiled

their advice?

“try essential oils”

we need our teeth to eat.

if we don't eat, we die.

we didn't choose to be in this position.

eating rots your teeth.

we need our teeth to eat.

if we don't brush our teeth, we get cavities.

if the cavities become infected, we get sick.

if we get sick and aren't treated, we die.

if you don't have good dental insurance, you die.

the human body has 78 organs.

we need our organs to function.

if we don't function, we don't survive.

we die.

organs fail sooner or later.

we don't choose this.

when our organs fail, so does our consciousness.

when our consciousness fails, we don't exist.

maybe i'm depressed because i have 32 ticking time bombs in my mouth and 78 biological structures that never guarantee a tomorrow.

and i'm too busy worrying about the fucking economy to find beauty in anything.

i laughed too loud

in my mind i hold an invisible zipper

and i split myself

all the way down my middle

and watch my body collapse

listen and they'll tell you, "she's not as fragile as she looks"

i'm fragile like an unclaimed jacket in someone's closet

that no one wants to try on

i'm fragile like a tower that takes hours to build

and seconds to be knocked down

i want to kick that girl on the floor and give her a bloody nose

and a black eye

i want her face to look like i feel

because talking is exhausting

and if i look worn out

maybe my rest will finally be earned

and then i have to go back

i don't want to, i never want to

but i can't just leave her on the ground

people might trip over her

my understanding endless

unlimited and uninhibited

i could be your bedroom wall

always there if you need to lean

upholding you if i can't hold you

if you don't have time for me

i could be your calendar

just mark me where you see fit

reminders of where i stand

i can be useful

i swear

it's true

i'm convenient and available

at your disposal

don't throw me away

i'll show you what i can be

i could be your makeup

hiding the things you don't want to show

or your mirror

reflecting back to you what i always see

the one i love

the one that's killing me

don’t leave them

as if staring them down can save them

knowing they see me as nothing more than an aloof bystander

like my inaction is a result of choice and not powerlessness

of course i want to save you

i want to gather your babies in my arms, kiss their heads and rush them to safety

while you and your loved ones follow closely behind me as i lead the way

i want to provide comfort, warm soup and medicine that heals

if there's not enough room, then i'd make room

hypotheticals make anything possible

but instead i’m at my desk, scrolling through headlines ever bleak

contributing my tax dollars to fund the very munitions which killed your brothers and maimed you

why? because i fear prison

i fear being separated from my routine that is luxurious in comparison

i know you don't have that choice

but i know if you did

you probably wouldn't pay your taxes