I’m in my 40s and divorced. I have been in a relationship without a label or a clear hierarchy for 3+ years now. We are long-distance, but facetime and text every day. We see each other in real life every couple of months, but only for a night or two as our parenting and life schedules allow. However, we are unquestionably anchor relationships in each other’s lives.

It’s a stable and meaningful relationship for both of us, but I worry because we can’t agree on a label or a framework for the relationship. He rejects the idea of being partners or boyfriend/girlfriend because we can’t be in each other’s lives daily. We both parent young kids, and my life is full and busy in a way where I cannot really imagine re-marrying or having a partner that was really *in* it with me, you know? But I love this person and worry that we are holding each other back or are some kind of placeholders for now. And there’s a part of me that bristles when he says that we are just “best friends” -- we very much are not platonic.

Although I wish we could see each other more often, a non-escalator relationship of love and care without pressure or expectation is kind of ideal? But we aren’t on the same page exactly because I think in an ideal world, he wants a full life partner. He also says he doesn’t want anything between us to change. I feel confused! Is it “okay” for us to go on in ambiguity knowing that we both are happy but maybe interpreting the relationship differently?

Happy-Ish Ever After

P.S. before any red flag radar goes up for you, I truly don’t think he is hedging because he is concealing other people he is seeing or being dishonest. I think he is (like me) an overwhelmed single parent, frustrated by his job and lack of disposable income, and he’s not happy with where his life is so he doesn’t want to either name our relationship to put pressure on it, or draw a line that might mean losing me in the capacity he does have me. He hasn’t dated anyone else in the 3 years but also, we’ve not explicitly made a monogamous agreement. At times I have been asked out by others and told him about it and he said he wanted me to be happy so I should pursue it if I want to. But, I ultimately decided that I was too emotionally invested in this relationship to start the “new dating” phase with someone else while trying to maintain the same level of emotional intimacy with my non-partner.

Happily-Ish Ever After

Dear Happy-Ish,

Usually I edit more for brevity, but the nuance here felt important because it is a common scenario and that nuance is the crazy-making mud so many find themselves mired in. So, first and foremost, you don’t have to ask if you are holding one another back, as you have already named the relationship as a reason for not pursuing other potential connections–so in the way all committed monogamous relationships “hold you back”, it is. If this was something you were happily committed to, that would be fine.

I am less of a red flag/green flag kind of person and more of an experience focused person. That doesn’t mean I don’t make note of bad or worrisome behavior, it just means that I realize that there is a lot of subjectivity there and really what matters is what you want to be experiencing. It is a well noted phenomenon in modern dating to avoid titles–and I do dislike it, because titles bring definition and clarity, and because there are many available: boyfriend/girlfriend, partner, spouse, friends with benefits, solo poly, etc. If there is a relational dynamic there is often also a title to go with it. Avoiding a title (even for seemingly valid reasons) creates a dynamic ripe for misalignment, confusion, and hurt.

If I had to name your dynamic, I would say you have a long term friends with benefits situation. Limited partner dynamic, but regular time spent together and physical intimacy–and, importantly, zero expectation of monogamy/exclusivity. I am not sure where your confidence comes from that this person is not seeing anyone else, but they have definitely positioned themselves to be able to do so, and bonus, to say you have no right to be mad IF they do.

Titles do not keep people from cheating–but they do keep you from feeling batshit crazy when you get upset about it.

It sounds in many ways to be a satisfying, need filling relationship. You do not have to force a title or abandon the situation if one can’t be agreed upon, but I do want you (for your own sake) to have some expectation setting conversations with this person around things like monogamy–both for your physical and emotional well being.

I too am parenting and have struggled with the idea of integrating a partner into what feels like a full and satisfying life–but complexity is something people can and do navigate together. And, it doesnt sound like you have totally given up on wanting that, you have just accepted that it might not happen–an important if subtle distinction.

I am gonna be honest (messy) when I say I find the best friends thing to be a bit concerning. I do not sleep with my friends. Some people do. But generally, I don’t. It feels like a manipulative way of getting you to accept this dynamic. Who wants to lose their best friend? But also, who wants their best friend gaslighting them about the nature of things?

You can (and people do) go on in ambiguity. But you are writing because there is something about it that, after all this time, is sort of not working for you. I think knowing you are both open to more traditional partnership probably means there is a part of both of you that knows if someone closer or more aligned presents themselves, this may end. And the best friend stuff notwithstanding, your dynamic will then be forced to change, because whether you generally sleep with your buddies or not, your new partners might not approve.

There is, to me, a childishness and a fear to avoiding definition. A thing can theoretically be anything and evolve into anything if we never name what it actually is. How freeing! How chill! How evolved! Luckily, you wrote to me, and I am not chill! I do not “go with the flow”. I am in fact whatever the opposite of “down to earth” is. SO!

Make that man name what this is. If you are friends, be friends. If you are friends with benefits be that. If he wants to date you non-exclusively cool. If ya’ll wanna be exclusive friends with benefits thats cool too! It doesn’t matter what you agree on–it matters that you are both doing so honestly with your eyes wide open. We can spend a long time in relationships mutually projecting what we think it is or want it to be –we stop wasting everyone’s precious time and protecting everyones autonomy when we get brave enough to stop doing that. The fear, of course, is hearing that the situation is in fact not something you want. Or that the other person wants something you cannot offer. Say it anyways.

You also have a ton of empathy for him. His overwhelm. Lack of funds. Not wanting pressure to show up more or differently for the relationship. Are you abandoning yourself in this empathy? Where is what you want and need in this? Spend some time with that–with yourself. Not just what you want from this man, but what you want from life, from partnership (hell, if you even want partnership). If you decide you truly don’t or that this situation meets your needs and doesn’t stand in the way of you exploring connections that might, then you have your answer.

I hate the term avoidant but this seems like really, mutually avoidant behavior. If you were three months in I would think it sounded a bit silly. But three years of not deciding IS deciding.

Commitment is just commitment. It isn’t an escalator, per se. Or prison. It does not have to lead to marriage or cohabitation. It can truly be its own fairly straight forward, negotiable thing.

Adri

I say this with the deep, hard won knowledge of someone who has been the problem™️. I dated someone briefly knowing early that there was both misalignment and that my capacity was low due to other life stressors. The good thing to do would be to admit that and exit the situation (or take serious space). Thoughtfulness and good decision making require capacity, though, alas, and so I spent a bit being, to put it delicately, quite unproductive.

We aren’t here to talk about me being the problem though (thank God). More generally, we are all the problem (sometimes), and I am pretty sure several multi-step programs name that as a critically significant admission. The point isn’t to shame. We can offer ourselves and others grace and an acknowledgement of the motivators of bad relationship behavior, without letting them off the hook for it. I believe it is these offerings to ourselves and others that form the foundations for change—for doing better next time, which is sometimes the very best we can do.

Relationships are of course messy things where right and wrong are perhaps too black and white of terms to be useful. When you read right as productive and intimacy building (and wrong as the opposite), that gets more to the heart of what I mean. The point is not necessarily that our behavior is objectively morally bad (although sometimes it certainly is), but moreso that it is detrimental to connection.

So much of our relational behavior is about ourselves. Our traumas, our capacity, our stress, our attachment style (those oft misinterpreted internet buzz words that I generally leave to the actual therapists). Relationships become a stage where this cast of the inner worlds of two people dance (or cage fight), and the relationships with the potential to last and make us better are the ones where there is capacity for the messiness of this, honest communication, and clear boundaries.

The unsolicited advice here is: let go of rigid/dichotomous moral ideas about yourself. You are not good or bad; you are capable of good and bad. If you want to aim for good, examine your behavior, so you don’t get caught up in defending your sense of self.

It is humbling and painful but there is no growth in perfection and no connection in narratives where you’re always the victim, the well intentioned, the good guy. Good stories are more complex than that, and good people are too.

Adri

I’m a man that’s been out of my last relationship for a bit over a year now. I’m looking to find someone solid to build something with or to at least enjoy the summer with and the apps have become even more of a slog than before. While I do value appearance to a reasonable extent, I’ve never been that interested in a superficial connection.

What is the best place to find a woman who is intellectually stimulating without coming across like I’m trying to bother them in public? I’m in my mid-thirties and I’m mixed (black/white/native) so sometimes it can be tough in the twin cities.

Ready To Go Fish

Dear Ready To Go Fish,

The App slog—felt! Heard! Validated! Apps are a place that is equal parts endless possibility and tiny townie bar where everyone knows one another but wishes they didn’t. In the age of remote work and too much screen time, I cannot in good conscious recommend people totally leave them (we all should, but I won’t push), but I definitely strongly recommend diversifying your putting yourself out there portfolio. What does that mean?

• Go outside. Touch grass! Go dancing. Go to the library. Shop in person on your own. Interact with people while you do all this. Do it tired. Do it anxious. Just do it.

• Ask friends who know you to consider hooking you up on blind dates. This is especially helpful with the dearth of diversity in the Twin Cities—leaning on fellow Black and brown folks to pull on their networks can be helpful if this is a dating priority for you.

• App it up with limits. Do not doom scroll. Set time limits, like limits, number of convos going all at once limits. Too many good or interesting things is still a bad thing as it will overwhelm you. You do not have endless choice or endless capacity so disabuse yourself of that delusion NOW and get focused.

• Find hobby or interest based hangs. I think superficial looks (the kind that everyone sort of agrees on) are unimportant and that “intellectually stimulating” is too subjective to touch with a 10 foot pole. What you are attracted to is more important. So balance. But find some game nights, language nights, attend a play, join an athletic club or pick up league (whatever you sporty people do) to try to connect in more aligned ways with like minded folks.

A couple final thoughts. First, invest in you. Stay busy and committed to the idea that whenever love finds you, it will find you busy. Do not let the search put the rest of your life on hold.

Lastly, there is an ocean between looking for a long term partner and looking for a summer fling. One can certainly turn into the other! Being flexible is good! Just make sure you are communicating that flexibility honestly so you are moving with integrity.

Have fun, be clear (which in dating is very kind), and good luck out there!

Adri

I have an old “friend” from my childhood who I no longer consider a friend. We drifted apart a long time ago. I have children now (she doesn’t), we live in different states, and have no mutual friends. The only thread we share is that we were in the same childhood friend group. We lost touch in high school. After college, we reconnected and would occasionally go for walks or coffee to catch up. That felt fine and I had time and space for it. The frequency of our hangouts decreased over time, and for me, the friendship faded naturally. I am now in my 30s and have a close community who I raise my kids around and I continue to feel surprised when she comes into town and asks to get together. I tried hanging out with her years ago at her invitation, and it felt awkward. We didn’t have much to talk about, but she was clearly going through a lot (a challenging chronic illness and family issues). I thought the hangout was mutually uncomfortable, and I was not motivated to connect again. I felt that I showed up authentically, not trying to force a connection that wasn’t there, and I have not been the initiator of contact for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried not responding to texts asking to get together to let the connection fade, but that doesn’t seem to stop the persistent asks to get together and her calling me “dear friend” in texts. The texts come probably every few months, and sometimes are her asking for therapy-related resources or sending psychology articles she must think I am interested in (I am a therapist). It particularly bothers me that she invites me to do things that require me to be child-free without ever sending a text asking about my life or my kids. It feels like she is interested in playing out an old dynamic that she can’t let go of rather than meeting me where I’m at.

I’ve given her openings to be in my life several times by inviting her over, naming directly that her coming to me is what is accessible and that I have limited kid-free time. Most recently, she asked to make plans when in town, and I offered that she could come to my house on a day I was parenting (we could sit and talk in the back yard while the kids play) because I was otherwise unavailable. This was a last ditch effort to see if she was interested in meeting me half way. She responded by asking for other times I might be kid-free to run errands with her so we could catch up. I haven’t responded and feel very annoyed.

Her behavior feels self-centered, extractive, and minimizing of my needs. I have no capacity for one sided relationships at this stage of my life. Do I need to spell it out that I don’t want to continue the “friendship?” I have tried the broken record strategy—continuing to offer what I do have to give and just generally being slow to respond/less available. At this point I have nothing left to give. Clearly she is not reading my social cues or being responsive to my needs.

Sincerely,

Out of energy

Dear Out Of Energy,

Friendship is my favorite thing. Seriously. And there are all sorts of them: close, casual, deep, lifelong, seasonal, insta DM meme-based (iykyk), the list goes on. Those categories aren’t fixed because life happens, people change (or don’t), and quite frankly, sometimes we are wrong about people.

Whatever the impetus, there are different friendship journeys. There can be a sort of organic ebb—distance may increase for myriad reasons. In some cases, there is room for ebb and flow. I have had youthful friends I have grown closer to in the season of parenting, for example.

Even when there is no return to closeness, the affection and nostalgia may remain. We cannot and are not meant to be close to everyone (no matter what the connectivity enabled via social media makes us think.)

So friendship (all relationships, really) can be like water when the issue is seasonal/ situational. But when the issue is misalignment or conflict, these endings are more like stars (been reading a lot of poetry, bear with me). And in this category we have: the sunsets and the supernovas.

One is calm, emotional, perhaps bittersweet, but a part of life, inevitable even. Maybe a conversation is able to happen and peace is able to be made. We love a sunset, even if they sometimes make us cry!

Supernovas, on the other hand, blow up everyone’s shit. Big conflict. Big misalignment. Big emotion. And often, big hurt. People can see this ending from space! If you don’t have a therapist before this sort of ending, get one.

Luckily, O.O.E., I do think you are looking at a sunset (since the whole ebb thing isn’t happening and you are brave enough to write in so you are brave enough to be honest with this person.)

Before I advise you, I want to offer you some empathy: adult life, with jobs, kids, this world we have inherited, this economy, trying to self care, community care, have a life, etc. is a lot. Our capacities are spread incredibly thin, and we have to choose where the energy goes.

With all that said, clear is kind. You can either continue the take a hint dance (which I think is actually just that ebb scenario in more reciprocal connections, but reciprocal this is not) OR, you can tell her:

• that you care for her and value the memories you share

• that you are spread really thin and doing your best to show up for your kids and village

• and that you can’t continue the friendship. You don’t have capacity, and while you continue to think of her fondly, the last few hangs made it clear you two are just not who or where you were. And wish her well.

I don’t think you need to spell out her (many) friend shortcomings unless she asks and seems genuinely curious and grounded enough to hear it without turning it into an argument or a negotiation.

I hear exhaustion and compassion in your letter, and I want you to give some of that compassion to yourself. She will probably be hurt, but the person who is performing their hurt or emotion is not always right or the victim (insofar as there is one). Sometimes they are just the squeaky, non-introspective wheel. She sounds like a fairly self-involved, selfish friend. And again, compassion—going through a lot can really shrink your perspective, but having a hard time is not a free pass to be a jerk.

Communicating directly is brave and kind. I do think we should all do that more often. But the way you have described this dynamic is one that is fairly one sided—which means anything that disrupts her self-centered perception of the situation is likely to feel like an attack. Make sure you enter the conversation grounded, with firm limits, and no guilt—you have been fair and you are giving one more act of care here by being carefully clear with her. Asking for more would be selfish.

Adri

I am a 45 year old single mom, divorced just before Covid. I fell in love with a woman a couple of years ago and it quickly became serious with her moving in six months after meeting. I came out as queer and an old flame reconnected on FB congratulating me. It was short and sweet but our time together is memorable. He’s the only man who ever made love to me like it was actual love. At 23, he made sure that I got off. And to this day, I still remember that feeling. I married the sweetest man but he was too sweet, not sexy. So, him reaching out adds to the butterflies associated with his memory. He’s married with kids now so I don’t think he’s looking for anything. Any messages exchanged have been short and clear, but it put me in a weird spot because I fell in love with a woman and now I’m thinking non-stop about a man. It makes me wonder if I’m wrong. Also, I feel like this isn’t fair to her and I need to break up with her, or at the very least, tell her about my feelings towards this man. What’s the best course of action here?

Note: I have not messaged him at all but I have stalked him online. I am so jealous of his wife. I don’t want to break up a marriage, but I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I do. I didn’t realize how much the physical meant to me. Twenty years later, I still think about his oral skills and rank him above any partner since! We were only friends with benefits back in the day because he was in between girlfriends and I ended up moving away. But we had a good time.

Queer-ish?

Dear Queer-ish (can I call you queer-ish without getting a cease and desist from Mr. Barris?),

Like all great advice requests, there are multiple things going on here. Sex. Sexuality. Commitment. Regret! Shout out to you for having range.

First and foremost–we get to change our minds and grow. You can frame every redirection or ending in your life as a mistake if you want (it is a sort of story telling, really), but in my experience, that is often a projection of hindsight onto the current reality. Marrying a man who doesn’t give you butterflies isn’t ideal, but what gives us butterflies evolves, is discovered, co-created, etc. Butterflies are FUN. What they aren’t is everything. You did your best with the knowledge and skills you had, and it doesn’t dishonor your current truth to also love the past iterations of you.

Good sex is great. Great sex is better. Neither is (necessarily) grounds for upending your life and commitments. Connections stand the test of time when they endure said time together–anything else is just nostalgia. Can you get lucky in a nostalgia based reconnection? Sure! Would I tell you to bet on it? In this economy? Hell to the naw.

I say this gently and with kindness: enjoy the butterflies and nostalgia. Do not act on them to the detriment of your partner, his partner, and likely, your dignity. This man hasn’t expressed any interest–he has simply demonstrated what he always did towards you–care and kindness at a safe, non-committal distance.

To me what has been communicated isn’t an invitation–it is a well wish. When kindness feels rare, it can be hard to take at face value. But we must. Because it should be the baseline. And because if it WAS more he should SAY more, especially given each of your situations. Women are deprioritized in partnership, so the fact that you value the first man to center your pleasure is understandable. That you weren’t a committed couple may actually add to this. Your situation with him was all pleasure, freedom, fleeting; a scenario ripe for nostalgic projection.

With all that said, as a fellow divorced lady with kids, committing to and moving in with your current partner in under a year is A LOT. There are exceptions, but in most cases, the answer to a long-term relationship ending is not quickly moving into a new, equally committed relationship. I don’t do hard and fast rules, but processing is a thing. Boundaries are a thing.

I don’t know how you and your current partner came to be or what drove such a rapid timeline. I will say that it is fast, especially with kids and especially quickly following the dissolution of a long-term marriage–a life. It is fair if, upon reflection, it all moved too fast, you aren’t ready, and you want out. We have a right to leave people, they have a right to leave us, and it matters how we leave. Do not use this man (who truly sounds like a non-factor) as a messy emergency escape door to sidestep vulnerable conversations, accountability, and your own personal work.

Honesty is beautiful and also not a “the more the better” relationship feature. Brutal honesty is for prosecutors and assholes. Those of us invested in connection need tact, couth, and kindness. It isn’t dishonest to your committed relationships to not share every time someone else catches your eye–attraction is a human constant. I think you know that though. You feel compelled to share because you feel compelled to act–you need to decide what to do with that compulsion BEFORE you set it at your partner’s feet.

Yours in divorcee empathy, Adri

I have a sex related question. I’m sorry about the deets I’m about to share. I’m a 24 year old guy, I’ve been dating woman (24) for a year. I’m just a poor boy from a poor family. She’s rich from a local real estate dynasty. We don’t have much in common except for creativity, dancing, and a sense of humor. The sex is fantastic. She’s very giving and adventurous. So, let me present the problems. She smells fishy down there, to the point that it sticks to me after. If I don’t shower immediately, it sticks with me all day. Even my roommate notices. He’ll say, “Someone got it.” Unfortunately, that isn’t all.

Recently, we were doing it on the couch and she pooped a little. Not much, but enough that I noticed it. She blamed the cat. And rushed off to take care of it. I said nothing but that’s not very hot. Not something I want to experience again. Do I love her? Yes. Do I see myself marrying her? Yes. But if she can’t be honest with me about her body and I don’t know how to approach the smell issue, will this last?

I can’t help but think about the future. She’d make a great mom. Her financial situation is such that we would have a comfortable life. Everything lines up except for these parts.

Sex, Love, and Other Sh*t

Dear Sex, Love, and Other Sh*t,

What an onion of a question–LAYERS! Let’s peel them back:

First thing first–if you haven’t communicated this to your partner, and don’t intend to, I cannot help you. I can tell you to end things, not because she is some stinky irredeemable monster, but because you do not have the relational quality most necessary for relationship success: willingness. Willingness to communicate, to troubleshoot, to try. Sex in particular flourishes in relationships where communication is open, frequent, and safe. I say this in part because in your early 20s, many folks are still under the impression that good sex is some miraculous, effortless thing, instead of a co-created/evolving dynamic.

If you are willing to do some work, know that sex and shame are terrible bedfellows. Our capacity for mess–our ability to tolerate other’s and clean up our own, makes the difference between being able to sustain healthy, deep, genuine relationships–or not. Bodies are weird. The earlier you can grow up about that, the sooner you can have better, more honest relationships.

So the elephants in the room: Vaginas! They smell sometimes. I don’t know that you should expect to be able to get laid and then walk around unshowered all day yourself without it being a potential thing! Seems unrealistic TO ME! I am not going to speculate on whether or not your partner has something off about how their vagina smells–but smell is a powerful and underdiscussed facet in attraction, and if hers simply doesn’t work for you, move on. If you think it’s a hygiene thing, do the uncomfortable thing and GENTLY discuss it, at a neutral, private, non-sexual time.

The other, bigger, perhaps stinkier elephant: I do not think you are talking about this person like you love them. You are talking about her like someone you think has a lot of important boxes checked, in a way that feels oriented around what being with her could DO for you.

Because you seem to see her as good in theory, it is no surprise to me that she isn’t being honest with you about something embarrassing and vulnerable. Do you think you as a partner are fostering a dynamic where she feels safe to do so? If not, how might you shift that? Do you want to, or do you simply want her to perform perfection–keep being a series of checked boxes rather than a living, breathing person?

You are 24. I got married at 26, but in retrospect, that was nuts so I still feel comfortable saying you both are really young. You have a tremendous amount to learn about yourselves, relationships, intimacy, bodies, and yes, sex. I am not so young anymore, and my body has done some weird things including produce two whole other people in the years that have passed since I myself was 24. You cannot scare me with a turd.

I am not trying to downplay that it is yucky to encounter sh*t! Disgust is actually a really interesting, useful human emotion! It can keep us safe! It can also keep us shallow when we aren’t engaging with it in a conscious way.

You have every right to say, look–you just cannot sh*t the bed and expect me to keep loving you or (especially) desiring you. Or–you can have a gentle, loving, conversation that invites laughter and rejects shame. You could build intimacy. If you want that.

Or not. That is why I interrogated if you love this woman–because love, not just seeing the theoretical value of someone, is what makes this sort of work feel worthwhile.

I won’t pretend you don’t get to be grossed out as an initial reaction–that is human. But the loving and mature thing to do is to realize that like so much of what bodies do, it is both gross and not a big deal.

I would invite you to imagine life as a longer thing–to understand our bodies as capricious and fragile. Someday, you may shit the bed with some regularity. Someday, you may be lucky enough to have someone who loves you (and desires you still) to help clean you up and protect your dignity. If you’re lucky, that is.

Adri

My friend (who is hot AF), invited me to her place for a drink when her husband and kids are away. I’m also married, and while my wife is not the jealous type, I’m worried this invitation is more than a friendly hangout. I asked, “Is it just you and me? Is that ok with your husband?” She said she didn’t need to tell him. I said, my wife is home and she’ll need to know. She said, “Don’t worry, I don’t think of you that way.”

Still, she’s F-I-N-E. Even if she says so, I would have a hard time being in a space alone with her with drinks. How should I proceed in order to keep the friendship AND my marriage intact? We’ve been coworkers/friends for over a decade. She has previously shared messages with me on Insta, including post workout selfies. While hot, I always got more of a “bro” vibe from her.

Panic! In The DMs

Dear Panic!,

Welcome to Temptation Island (I do not watch it, only have a vague concept of it, please do not send me a cease and desist letter, tysm!). The context clues are strong here, so we are going to use them!

It is 2026 and there are so many relational dynamics outside of monogamy that are increasingly normalized! ENM, polyamory/solo poly, etc. Not my lane, but if you have spent any time on a dating app in the last decade, you have a window into the various configurations available to you.

Why am I mentioning this? Because it sounds like you want to step outside the monogamous relational boundaries of your committed relationship. I won’t worry about your co-worker and her situation, because you can only control you. But you are writing in because you WANT to hang out with this woman, you know it isn’t truly platonic, and you know that if your partner knew the details, they would feel betrayed.

I am not here to shame you—while not important, hotness is certainly FUN! And enjoying attention from someone you find attractive is normal! If it was contained to a bit of office flirtation, you wouldn’t be writing to me, though.

I have already written about the faux liminal space that is social media, where many folks like to pretend that real life boundaries kinda sorta don’t apply, depending on who you ask/whose face you are trying to play in! You are fortunate that perception is pretty normalized. But the prospect of a real life hang, along with your question: “How should I proceed in order to keep the friendship AND my marriage intact?” means things are getting realer—and you need to do the same.

First and foremost, you currently have a very loose boundaried “friendship” with this person—my advice is to tighten up. If she can’t respect a fairly normal, monogamous relationship boundary (that you cannot come to her house intentionally when her husband is out for sneaky, flirty, solo drinks) then I am not sure friendship is really the right term. If you can’t keep yourself from exploring the connection, you owe it to your wife to honestly discuss the boundaries of your relationship.

You deserve to feel happy and free, and your partner deserves transparency and the chance to truly consent. Courage, dear heart.

Adri

I am a business leader of a medium company, a little over 100 employees. I am a middle aged guy, happily married with kids. My wife and I enjoy an open marriage with rules: we keep our side lives private from each other and the public; to protect our kids and profession. Recently, an employee has started letting on that she likes me. A flirtatious comment here and there. A look walking by. Employees are off the list of possibilities. However, over the years (eight) she and I have realized that there’s a lot in common, value wise, sense of humor, and smart ass remarks that go back and forth. She is married with kids as well. I’ve never learned if she’s in an ethical non monogamous relationship, because as a her boss it’s none of my business. Do I lightly pursue and see if adults can come to an understanding? Or avoid like the plague as my lawyer would have me do? I don’t currently have any long term partners outside my marriage and this possibility is way more appealing than anything in recent history.

She’s a great employee. Not usually my type. Which makes this all more intriguing. Why are we connecting this way and why do I want to? My wife and I have been married for 25 years and we’ve been ENM from the beginning. I’ve never dated an employee. They’ve always been people I meet through friends. No one has ever outed us publicly.

Sincerely,

Office Fish

Dear Office Fish

I love nuance. I love love. And I hate this!

I get it. Dating, at any age, in any relational dynamic is vulnerable, time consuming, and hard. Just finding someone you are interested in can feel like a challenge. But, while there are a debatable number of fish in the sea, it is so so important that you realize and accept that NONE of those fish can be your employees.

I appreciate this question for two reasons. One—it isn’t original! I am aware! AND YET! We continue to have to answer it! Because people keep dating their employees.

I also appreciated you mentioning your ENM dynamic—it felt important for you, and I wonder if you think it alters the fundamental dynamic here for some reason? But it doesn’t. Less common relational dynamics do not free you from ethics. Whether you want one partner or three, none of them should be in your employ.

Unlike most of the questions I answer, the “what should you do” part here is extremely simple. Do not date your employee. Even if she expresses interest directly, do not date your employee. But why, you might ask! The short answer: money, power, respect.

• Money: You are a leader at this company. You can directly influence her wages, her employment, and depending on industry you could even hinder her growth inside and outside of the company. Which brings me to my second point:

• Power: You have so much power in this situation. Power, like privilege, can be hard to see when you are the one who has it, but everyone looking in from the outside can see it clear as day.

• Respect: There is quite a bit of risk for the woman in this scenario. Respect is the big risk (although not the only one) here for you. I can say transparently that I would not respect or want to risk working for a man who is known for pursuing his employees. You mentioned having never dated an employee—I know you and your wife are ENM—are you prepared to share this with her? Do you anticipate her supporting this?

I assume, as a business leader, that you have some concept of risk assessment. A bit gross when applied to human relationship, but some scenarios you should consider:

1. You might be misreading the situation. You might simply be wrong. You are her boss, you are married, you may be older, etc. You would not be the first man in history to misread someone’s niceness/comfort with you as flirtation. And if you are, she would be justified in being upset and escalating the issue.

2. Say you aren’t wrong. Then what? You both handle this perfectly, it eventually runs its course and is probably going to end and be awkward AT best? Or, far more likely, it ends poorly. And then you, and your wife, are “outed” as you said—and your professional reputation is validly tarnished. You may even find yourself needing to talk to that attorney you mentioned before.

It is with empathy but also seriousness that I ask you to please not do this. Most women have a story of a guy in the workplace who made us uncomfortable. Do not be that guy. There are some great things about being the boss I am sure—but the flipside of that privilege is responsibility—please take it and yourself more seriously. Get on the apps or in the streets like the rest of us peasants!

Do the right thing,

Adri

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In the span of a few days, two members of my family came out to me. My younger brother, who was recently diagnosed autistic, shared that he is gay and has been carrying this largely alone. The next day, my 12-year-old niece called me and said she thinks she might be trans and I’m the only person she’s told.

I love them both deeply, and I’m honored they trust me. I responded with care, reassurance, and calm. Outwardly, I think I did the right things. Inwardly, I’m feeling a mix of pride, fear, and shame, especially the shame that I lived so close to my brother for years without realizing how alone he felt. I always had a feeling so I’m not really surprised, but I’m sad thinking of him holding this inside for so long alone.

I want to support them well without overstepping, rushing them, or becoming the sole container for things that may eventually need broader support—especially given a family culture that isn’t always affirming. And tbh, I am overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed thinking of this queer autistic kind man and my beautiful, super smart, mixed-race niece and how the world is going to treat them. I’m overwhelmed thinking of holding this from my family (which I will 1000% be doing, no question). How do I show up consistently and safely for both of them while also taking care of my own emotional limits?

- Proud, Worried, Scared (P.W.S.)

Dear Proud, Worried, Scared,

The impulse to care is deeply human, and sacred. Never ever lose it. You feel afraid because caring connects us to others—it makes us feel responsible for one another. And the good and/or bad news is, we are.

So first things first: there is no reason for you to feel shame—and more importantly, there is no value in it, for you or your loved ones. Where people’s identities are concerned, you didn’t necessarily “miss” anything. It isn’t our job to sniff out the truth of people—it’s our job to love and accept them when they offer that truth to us.

So, congratulations, P.W.S., on being the type of person that your loved ones see as safe enough to hold their vulnerability—and possibly wise enough to help them navigate it. They chose to confide in you because they believe in your ability to show up—for them, and for things like this. Let their confidence in you make you brave.

To your actual question—how do you show up safely and consistently while also taking care of your own emotional limits? Well, not to get on my “it takes a village” hilltop (one of my faves, tho!), but the belief that it must be you and only you to show up, to care, to bridge whatever gap yawns before these young ones and the world—that is a lie. You CANNOT be everything. You CAN be a link (hopefully one of many) in the chain that tethers them with love to this world. Reframing in that way hopefully makes this feel less daunting.

Now that you know you don’t have to be everything—focus on what you can be in this situation. And take credit for what you have already been—a safe space, someone who has offered acceptance and calm, someone who is willing to take their lead and honor their request for privacy (for now). You will be surprised at what is enough—what makes a difference.

And if you are driven to do more? In the short term, consider connecting them to community members who share their identity and sharing media or organizations that align with their lived experiences. There are many ways for you to be supportive without needing to be an expert in a reality that is not your own.

In the long term, I would also suggest getting comfortable with discomfort and conflict—if the family culture is something you know is not affirming, that is something you have the power to name and to push against, so that these young people who NEED it to be that do not have to fight for it on their own.

You are allowed to step back, to take breaks, to admit that it can feel hard to show up for others when the world we live in demands so much of us individually. Take it one day at a time and know that some days you may make a difference that spans a lifetime. You also have to know that your limits may need to expand in service of loving others. That is growth. It is love. It is good work.

Also—you might find that the privacy (secrecy) you are respecting FOR them comes easy because it also serves you. When they are ready to be more open, you should be ready to stand beside them in the light. That is the simple, quotidien bravery they will need most from their inner circle—the kind of love and support and insistence of their inherent dignity that does not protect them from the worst of the world completely, but insulates them against it. You cannot make them impervious to harm—only resilient.

Changing the world sounds overwhelming because it is—our greatest sphere of influence isn’t the great big nebulous world, it is the tiny circles of community we occupy within it.

Yours in shared pride, worry, terror, (and so much hope,)

Adri

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So my sister is getting remarried and we found out over the holidays they are thinking of tying the knot in Cancun. Cool, right? WRONG!

Just before the holidays, we all booked a spring break trip together (with her, her two kids, her new fiance and his four kids). We started doing this to support her and the kids over her divorce. We paid WAY more than we wanted to for this year’s spring break trip to Mexico, in part to be supportive as she navigates divorce and the complexity of creating a blended family with 8 children in the mix.

I heard via eavesdropping, not direct communication that they plan to have their wedding in Cancun next year. I looked up tickets and it’s well over $1,200 for each (we have our own family of 6) so we would likely spend just as much if not more on this wedding trip.

Do we say anything before the save the dates go out, or do we just swallow a huge unexpected and in my opinion very unnecessary spend? I am genuinely so happy for the two of them, but it feels like the back to back travel (and the expectation that nearly 100 stateside folks can/want to fly to Mexico for a wedding) is a bit inconsiderate! Help!

Best,

Money, money, money (MONEY!)

Dear Money (do you mind if I call you Money?),

I love LOVE! I love weddings! I love divorce (something about it is so chic, not to be biased!) So, I am here for this second marriage, blended fam party generally. Life is gonna life and folks who can roll with it and make something new with the pieces—those are my people!

With that said—transitions are exciting. Endings, beginnings, whatever—people want to mark them—often in style. AND—we love that for them! However, in this economy™ it is critical to have and maintain your own financial boundaries.

What does that mean? It means you cannot change these crazy kid’s (likely 40 somethings) plans—but you can change your own. Boundaries aren’t fun to enforce, but where boundaries are concerned, financial ones are some of the simpler ones, because either you got it, or you don’t (more or less). So you have a couple of financially viable options:

1. Go on the vacation as planned—but if a destination wedding does materialize, simply (without apology) let them know that you are thrilled for them (send a nice gift) but will not be able to attend. It simply is not in your family budget.

2. You could approach the couple, ask if their destination wedding plans are true, and let them know you can do one or the other, but not both (assuming potentially cancelling your upcoming vacation is possible or desirable.)

3. Grin and bear it—do both. Mexico is really lovely! Money isn’t real (unless the IRS calls you)!

My final, non-budget specific piece of advice? As a divorced lady, I don’t know if I will ever remarry, but I know IF I do, it will be 100% on my terms. This couple is probably in that boat. If they are mature, they are doing this second wedding how they want without a lot of expectation. They may surprise you in their understanding. If they don’t, cross that bridge then—don’t apologize for having limits, but it is okay to be sad to disappoint them. Disappointing people isn’t the end of the world, and with reasonable people, it need not be the end of the relationship.

Best,

Adri

• In: Regulation | Out: Individualism: Organic food. Pricey glass containers to avoid plastic. Filters to avoid micro plastics and chemicals. At some point, we traded regulation for (expensive) market based solutions. Enough. Regulate industry—hinder corporations from dangerous practices, rather than placing the burden on people to be super informed and wealthy enough to opt into the health and safety we all deserve.

• In: Care | Out: Carcerality: No more investment in police, militaries, weapons, war, ICE. This repressive infrastructure eats up the biggest share of our taxes at every level and makes us complicit in atrocities here and abroad. Are they not big enough, powerful enough, destructive enough for you yet? Let us try something new: housing people instead of using police to push them around endlessly. Caring for people (our sick/addicted, our elders, our children especially) instead of repeatedly locking them away or neglecting them until they are worse. Free access to holistic care (our minds, our teeth! the whole damn person!)

• In: Community | Out: Cliques: If no one in your community is older, younger, really annoying or even at times offensive to you, you probably don’t have community—you have a group or clique of friends. This is a part of community—the safest part. But we need one another, and from varying distances/conditions that will include a truly diverse range of people. The good thing? Pushing people in the right direction becomes easier in community (versus yelling at strangers online).

• In: Meeting People Where They Are | Out: Coddling Them: As a follow up to the community item above: healthy grown up relationships are conditional. Being met where you are is an act of grace—expecting to not be challenged to grow, be safe, and do better is entitlement. Community and relationships are conditional—they require things of all of us, and in turn elevate all of us.

• In: Resistance | Out: Calling EVERYTHING Resistance: Rest is not resistance. Soft life is not resistance. Luxury and comfort (lmao) are not resistance. Some of these things may be fuel for resistance. But in the spirit of words meaning things, cut it out.

• In: Conflict | Out: Avoidance: Conflict is revealing and when done right, it improves relationships/communities. Naming harm in interpersonal relationships is conflict. Advocating for civil rights is conflict. Avoiding conflict is not the road to true peace.

• In: Principles | Out: Palatability: Particularly for those with large platforms or power, but also for all of us: we are living through fascism. It is simply not a time to play evasive or vague about your position on that. Are you being mature, or are you being spineless?

• In: Clarity | Out: Code: There is so much short hand out there that has lost all meaning. Leftist. Liberal, etc. If you haven’t yet, doing the work to define these terms for yourself is a really great practice. Politics is about power, not vague labels. Knowing what you want power to do (feed people, protect them, etc.) is critically important.

• In: Solidarity | Out: Apathy: “I am not my government.” “ I don’t agree, but what can I do?” “I don’t know enough to have an opinion.” “There is no ethical consumption under capitalism.”: All of these statements are an okay place to be, but we cannot STAY there. If you don’t know enough LEARN. Learn until you can take a stance and breath life into that stance with your votes and your engagement. Capitalism is the water we swim in but there are choices to be made—including buying less and more thoughtfully. We are not powerless unless we believe ourselves to be.

• In: Courage | Out: Perfection: “Courage, dear heart.” Try. Be bad. Get better. Do not let perfection and comparison keep you small and stagnant.

• In: Nuance | Out: Binary thinking: Sadly, the answer to many things is “it depends.” That grey is where we can build empathy for one another. Let go of the red/green flags, the pathologizing therapy speak, and the good/bad dichotomy.

• In: Leaders | Out: Celebrities: No more listening to people on important issues simply because they are rich/famous—please interrogate WHY we should care about a given person’s opinion. AND no more quippy tweets as activism from leaders with actual structural power. Get offline and in the booth, goofies!

Cheers to 2026, to more care, more solidarity, and to conditions improving (or else).

Adri

He pressured me into coming over to his house Wednesday night and said he just wanted to cuddle and nothing else would happen. I told him that we would not be doing anything more than cuddle.

When I went over we ended up kissing and he was trying to touch me. I said no when he tried to put his hands down my pants but he kept going and pressuring me. He would stop and then start back up again no matter how many times I told him no. He tried to give me oral and I said no but he wouldn’t listen and did it anyway. At one point he was forcing my legs open and I kept trying to close them and told him to stop but he wouldn’t.

He kept pressuring me to tell him that I love him and that I missed him. I figured I would just have sex with him since we already went this far. I did consent to the sex but didn’t really want to. After I went home I felt dirty and disgusting. I feel so much shame that I put myself in this situation and feel stupid. I also technically consented to sex but felt uncomfortable the whole time.

He keeps asking to hang out everyday since then and I keep making up excuses. Part of me still likes the attention he gives me and am debating if I’m just being dramatic. I don’t know how to end it with this guy because he pressures me over and over to get what he wants.

Was this sexual assault? The sex was definitely coerced and I’m not happy about it. I’m not sure how to get over this.

Under Pressure

original reddit post

Dear Under Pressure,

Your experience falls under the high level definition of sexual coercion —I try to stay in my lane, so I would definitely suggest you consider reaching out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800-656-HOPE (4673) for expert information and support.

With that said, I felt compelled to respond to this because it felt so familiar—it is a chapter of sexuality too many women experience, and I would like to see this sort of behavior become normalized for what it is—coercion and assault. The reason so many people are uncomfortable classifying it as such is BECAUSE it is so common—because it indicts so many men. Sex pest, pushy, etc. are all euphemisms for people with a weak understanding (and weaker respect) for consent.

We all get to draw our own boundaries around sex, intimacy, etc.—but when you realize that someone you are interested in has a different, more restrictive boundary, that is an incompatibility—not a challenge. Him saying “intimacy is important to me” isn’t unreasonable on it’s face—in this context it’s a sort of threat—let me push past your comfort zone or I will lose interest. It is intentionally manipulative.

While I support the idea that boundaries are for you (and therefore are your responsibility to enforce) that reality is not meant to let people like the man in question off the hook for exploiting the messiness of feelings and the very real desire for connection to chip away at those boundaries. Consent is not meant to be an endurance sport.

You cannot avoid all harm—often the only lesson harmful people teach us is what to look for in them to avoid in others—what are signs to disengage earlier. Be gentle with yourself—learning that and building the confidence to act on it takes time and flies in the face of the way many women are socialized to behave.

My advice to you, other than cutting contact with this man and reaching out to the hotline I provided earlier, is to focus not on what you could have done, but on caring for yourself in this moment. You aren’t dirty, or dumb, or diminished. This experience was a shame—but that shame is not yours to hold. Sometimes it is enough to come back to ourselves with kindness and compassion before we try to make sense, make meaning, or create wisdom out of something awful.

Sending you compassion and care,

Adri

When I called my sister in law to see if my wife was coming to the birthday party, she said that she didn’t know what terms me and my wife were on so she invited her anyways. We are not on great terms. We don’t talk much, but when she gets drunk, she will come into my room and try to have sex with me. Albeit, the reason the marriage is dissolving is primarily my fault; but, my family has always taken the position that I come first.

I feel like my family is not putting me first. If anyone in my family was getting divorced, I wouldn’t invite their significant other to a family event without asking if it was okay first. I feel like I am losing both ways-my wife gets to enjoy all of my family events while also divorcing me.

My family has seen me at my absolute worst and rock bottom. And yet, they want to invite my soon to be ex-wife to a family event that means so much to me. I feel like I should be able to go to my little brother’s child’s first birthday party untethered from worrying my soon to be ex wife is there.

My sister in law said that it’s a big house and that we could be sequestered from each other. I feel like that’s unfair; I should be able to enjoy the full party without distractions.

Sincerely,

Ex Party*

*originally sourced from reddit

Ex Party,

Your brother’s child is often known as your niece or nephew. This is also your exes niece or nephew! These are terms that fall under the big umbrella term “family.” Divorce ends a marriage—it doesn’t necessarily end the peripheral family relationships, especially when the marriage lasted a significant amount of time and/or when kids are involved.

You say you feel like you are losing both ways—but divorce isn’t really something you can win. You say you want your family to put you first—I am not sure what that looks like but getting concrete with your boundaries with them (and her) is probably a good idea. But boundaries are your rules for you—not them. So if you decide you don’t want to attend a party she is also invited to, then holding that boundary may look like you not going.

I think this is less about your comfort (I mean, distant though it may be, you two are currently sharing a home, so the party seems a bit minor in comparison) and more about a desire to have your wife lose, since you feel you are losing her. Breakups are often messy, hurtful affairs—feeling angry is valid—acting on that anger may be something you come to regret.

So, my short term advice—try to remember this party isn’t about you. It is a family event, and while the relationships will likely evolve as your divorce progresses and finalizes, that is going to take time for everyone. Give some grace, and try to not act on every petty feeling you have right now. If you really can’t handle her being there, don’t go.

In the longer term, have some honest (and kind) conversations with your ex and your family about what post divorce dynamics might be—and keep in mind, the dust tends to settle organically once your lives are actually separate—you may be stressing about an issue that will eventually be a non-issue.

If you can, redirect your focus to what this transition in your life has to offer you—this isn’t a season only of loss, but also one of change and possibility.

Adri

How do you explain to adults that apologies have to meet certain criteria to be considered real and that acceptance of said apology is not the reason it’s offered?

“I said I was sorry!” I hear it SO OFTEN it makes my head hurt. Was it offered unconditionally? Sincerely? Did you offer amends or just words? I want to scream sometimes.

Sorry (Not Sorry)

Dear Sorry (Not Sorry),

This is going to be a long response to a relatively brief (but incredibly important) question. Before I dive into my tangent, I would say while we do teach people how to treat and love us—there is a fine line between explaining and convincing. Once your expectations have been made clear, it’s your job to hold your boundaries (and this may mean exiting or changing the relationship). We can try to educate people on repair—but we cannot force them to see it or practice it our way (a fact that makes me want to scream too, to be fair.)

I know the internet hates nuance but while there are key steps in repair, there are no blanket rules for relationships. Cheating in one relationship is unforgivable—in another, it’s a minor bump in the road. Repair for such an infraction is impossible for one person and may only require a simple, singular “I’m Sorry” for another. The people involved—their wants, needs, traumas, socialization, interdependence, etc., make the rules, not us.

I started thinking about repair for a few reasons. First, because so many of the questions I receive and see online focus on adjudicating right and wrong—a deeply unproductive (if cathartic) focus. Getting a bunch of people to side with you might be validating, but it doesn’t repair relationships.

Why is repair important?

Repair of the most intimate, interpersonal kind is important for two key reasons. The first is that relationships are important—they are one of the defining factors in our overall wellbeing. Second, especially in this moment, is that the personal is our training ground for the communal. There are so many discussions about community—but building and maintaining community is impossible without accepting the inevitability of rupture and harm, and building the skills and capacity for the work of repair. Fostering a relational work ethic is good for our personal, professional, and broader community ties.

I am going to stay in my lane—which is more one on one relationships, but I wanted to give a nod to the bigger picture and to the broader implication these relational skills have for the collective.

What does repair look like?

I chatted with a number of brilliant people and read a lot about what repair means and how it comes to life. Minneapolis writer Natalia Mendez emphasized the need for there to be mutual commitment to working towards repair and a shared desired outcome (either to move towards friendship, more productive work relationships, romantic reconnection, etc.) The shared goal informs so much of the particulars of repair. They went on to say:

“So many people want to be right and heard—I think while we can validate people’s feelings and acknowledge impact vs intent, if someone is stuck on a binary of who is right or wrong, it can be a stopping point.”

I especially loved Natalia’s emphasis that assigning blame, who is right and wrong is not the correct focus if you want to stay in relationship. Repair is a step in the cycle of conflict—but the end goal is connection, not being deemed ‘right’.

Famous author and therapist Esther Perel describes this cycle as:

“The cycle of connection, disconnection, and reconnection exists in every relationship… “harmony, disharmony, and repair” or “closeness, disruption, and a return to closeness.”

Simply put, repair is the process of reconnecting—bringing the relationship back to functionality and connectedness. That is still a bit nebulous though. was discussing repair in a way that really resonated with me and that I think takes repair from abstract to concrete. Crediting him (and sharing the actual tweets) because I loved his perspective.

What are the steps of repair?

• Step 1: Acknowledgement & Apology: This usually takes the shape of an apology that at minimum acknowledges the harm and takes ownership for it. This step goes wrong in two common ways: 1. when the person apologizes but also tries to make excuses—why it wasn’t that that bad, why they thought it was ok at the time, etc. This undermines the apology. 2. when they expect apology to be the beginning and end of the repair process—"I gave you sorry, you give me forgiveness.”

• Step 2: Holding Space: As Julian spoke to, patience, empathy and willingness are the beating heart of repair. An understanding that repair isn’t linear, transactional, or conditional means revisiting the conflict with kindness and accountability as many times as needed. This step often fails two ways: 1. when the person who has done the harm loses patience for this non-linear process. That is where you start to hear, “I said I was sorry, what more do you want.” 2. when the person who was harmed becomes more invested in punishment than repair.

• Step 3: Alignment: As Natalia mentioned, it is important to have a shared goal where repair is concerned. Apology can be a one sided, singular act, but the work of reconnection requires that both parties align on WANTING to reconnect and to what degree. Both parties must be willing and create an agreed upon path towards repair. This step fails when either or both parties do not take the time to honestly reflect on and commit to a shared goal. No amount of relational skills can overcome this sort of misalignment.

• Step 4: Action: This is the step that is the most subjective/contextual. Repair should be connected to the harm—if you lied, a plan for transparency might be in order. If you stole, a repayment plan may be in order. It is not just I am sorry, it is making amends and/or demonstrating changed behavior when possible. This step fails when repair is incomplete or insufficient. Apologies—words! Those are important! But you may also need changed behavior, money, etc.

When all this happens successfully, reconnection happens. Sometimes you will have to revisit earlier steps—this depends on the person, the harm, etc. Luckily, saying “I am sorry” more than once doesn’t cost anything—it really is an act of love—not shame. It is de-centering the self to prioritize the connection.

And while I spent a lot of time describing what repair looks like, I wanted to circle back to your question about how to teach this to others. Again, you cannot force people to define repair and apology as you do—you can model it, share literature on the subject, or engage a therapist to help facilitate it once harm has occurred. You can also proactively discuss this topic, and define relational and personal boundaries and expectations early and clearly before harm occurs.

As is so often the case, there is no substitute for honest/vulnerable communication and no secret trick to avoiding all relational harm—other than total isolation, which is its own harm.

all the best,

Adri

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It was meant as a dig at my passion project (writing this column that I love) and meant to insinuate that I was clearly too deficient in relational skills to be offering them to anyone else. Naturally, I got real mad and sad in the moment (Pisces things, iykyk). But, given enough time to put on my big girl pants, I was able to reflect and reach two conclusions that felt worth sharing.

First, I am of course not perfect at relationships (this admission seems okay since no one is). I hope (sincerely) no one writing to me is under the impression they are writing to a perfect, all knowing person. I would suggest prayer for that.

All relational dynamics are unique and co-created. Sometimes they work better than others, and in those that don’t work well, sometimes being “good at them” simply entails an ability to acknowledge, accept, and know whether there is work to do or an exit to be made. Some relationships are forever. Some are for the plot, as the youth say.

While it is worth being mindful of our own patterns, I would offer this advice: remember that relationships end. They run their course, whether they are misaligned, have bad timing, whatever—and not all endings are worth internalizing as some sort of personal deficiency. Sometimes, it really isn’t them (or YOU).

Second, all good advice givers have something in common—they like to give AND receive advice. So, while this post stems from a hurtful interaction, it has reminded me of my advice village—of the people in my life who advise me, hold me, gather me*, call me in lovingly, challenge me thoughtfully, educate me, mentor me, remind me who I am when I forget, gas me up, and generally help me be my best self—the self I try to bring to the questions I am trusted with here. I hope you have your own advice village, and if you don’t, I am honored by those who trust me to be part of theirs.

Below are a few of the best pieces of advice my village has shared with me. Will add to this as they continue to be the smartest/best (and as this granny remembers things they say):

• Getting shit done is important. But getting it done right and getting it done quickly aren’t the same thing. Learn to pause. Action isn’t the only way to make progress.

• Boundaries are necessary. Relationships that can’t tolerate them aren’t sustainable or safe.

• Have fun. You don’t care more because you are performing despair. You can care and live.

• The better you know yourself, the more you understand the VALUE of your boundaries, the easier they are to enforce.

• Conflict is labor—not every situation calls for that labor.

• Kindness, grace, generosity, and patience are a practice—if you cannot give them to yourself, you will not be able to consistently extend them to others.

• You don’t truly know someone until you experience conflict with them. Be discerning until then.

• Youth and beauty are cheap and fleeting currency—enjoy them, but invest elsewhere.

• The only thing you can control is you—you actions, reactions, boundaries, and the way you move forward. Let go of the rest.

• Balance protecting your energy with (occasionally/as needed) letting a b*tch know.

• Adjust your best to meet the moment—you cannot operate on 10 at all times!

Yours in the spirit of good advice and better pink wigs,

Adri

Why is it useless? Thank you for asking (no one asked).

Because, in the context of interpersonal relationships (that you are trying to make work), right and wrong miss the heart (literally) of what makes relationships live and breathe—feelings, care, consideration, concern, and a bit of setting aside the exclusively logical. You can be technically right in a relationship—and dead wrong (and alone) as a result. An example is probably called for.

• “Am I wrong for liking pictures of hot people online? My partner is complaining.”

or, for a platonic examples:

• “Am I wrong for hanging out with my best friends ex-friend. She seems uncomfortable with it.”

• “Am I wrong for not being as politically outspoken as my friends?”

There is really no question being asked in these cases—it is more a request for validation—confirmation that the asker is right and the other subject in question is wrong, or at least unreasonable. It is an inherently non-relational question, and one that can be worth debating in the detached, academic context of morals, politics, and ethics, but that can fall apart in the messiness of human relationship.

These are variations of actual questions I have encountered. The answer, in the most technical sense, is NO! You aren’t wrong. There is no law, and as society as we know it erodes, there is barely a social norm around these things!

So no—there will be no mob or judge to condemn you. But, why, within the cozy confines of your interpersonal relationships, is the external validation of the masses the focus? Instead of the heart and mind of your partner or friend? Is it wrong objectively? No. Is it wrong for the relationship—that is a question worth asking, and one that requires more nuance, more honesty, more consideration, more work, and less dogma.

I want to be clear that it isn’t that I think right and wrong don’t exist. It’s that the search for judgement and condemnation in the interpersonal is a waste of time—free yourself in the only way you can by exiting situations that don’t align with your own sense of right and wrong. Very few of us get a public reckoning with those who wrong us—and good boundaries and a willingness to exit can save many of us from needing one.

My advice IS NOT for those who ask, “Am I right/am I wrong?”. For those people I would offer only this: People who care about you care about how they make you feel. If you are looking for an objective reason to not care about your partner or friend’s feelings, the relationship is in trouble.

My advice IS for those who hang suspended on those question marks—to you I say: normalize not liking things. Do not try to pathologize or moralize everything someone does that you dislike or hurts you. It isn’t “wrong” for someone to be thirsty on main all day, or to hang out with people you do not like, or to forget your favorite foods, least favorite music, or whatever. It is a valid turnoff though, a sign of misalignment, and a fine reason to decide that a relationship is not for you. Not wrong—but wrong for you is valid.

You do not have to debate your wants, needs, and standards—you simply need to stand behind them—which requires bravery, a willingness to exit that which doesn’t serve you, and an unwavering commitment to not abandoning yourself.

Courage, dear hearts.

Adri

My best friend is not doing well health wise, the usual middle aged things like bad joints, high cholesterol, ulcers and such. His wife is a heavy drinker and also suffers from all the above. It sucks to watch from afar, but we live in different states and so can’t ask him to join me for walks or runs. How can I help influence his eating and exercise habits? The old school calling out and calling him names and bets on races don’t work if you’re not in shape to race anymore. I’m stuck.

Sincerlely,

Well Intentioned

Dear Well Intentioned,

This is my least favorite type of advice to write—you feel helpless, because you are. Because what you want is control over your friend—to benefit them, but still. You can’t have that, and thank God.

I didn’t have the greatest childhood, so I am a tremendous fan of this whole adult thing. But I quickly discovered that the tradeoff to autonomy is responsibility—for things, others, and most importantly, ourselves. If you don’t believe, me, Toni Morrison (The Queen) wrote a whole book on it.

I do think that feedback is a gift—but you have to be in a position to both receive AND give it.

You are light on the details about this friend and their wife. I will say that I do not know many Americans who are drinking alcohol and eating poorly who don’t have some awareness that those things are bad for them. Wanting to intervene on the basis of ignorance can backfire in spectacular ways. Sometimes, we have to accept that for complex reasons, people choose the seemingly “bad” thing. Loving them, means accepting that (with boundaries that keep everyone safe and comfortable).

It is also worth interrogating your own perception of health—it is truly more luck than it should be. Should your friend eat better and stop drinking? Maybe. Would all their ailments disappear if they did? Not necessarily. Are they striking their own private bargain with the God's of life, death, vitality, and who knows what else? Is that bargain any of your (or my) business? I choose to think not. Friendship is mostly acceptance—sometimes, it’s mourning that acceptance. Be sad if the quality of life you want for your friend doesn’t seem present. Don’t alienate or patronize him by assuming its just a few “good” decisions they never considered away.

Love your friend by accepting him, showing up, and offering to be helpful in ways that feel aligned to you both. Interrogate your own very human fear and anxiety—does his decline remind you of the inevitability of your own? Can you reframe that as an opportunity to enjoy the present, instead of fearing every harbinger of the future? You cannot condition him into the perfect friend or perfect version of himself. Friendship, like so much of our humanity, is not an optimization project—it is an invitation to witness, pay attention, be astonished—behold, and ultimately, let go.

yours in surrender,

Adri

This dichotomous language is an extension of the therapy language currently being abused with wild abandon. Good/Bad. Healthy/Unhealthy. Red/Green flags. These terms are useful in that they shape norms and define aspirational dynamics and behaviors. They are less useful though, in describing individuals—because people are too complex to define so singularly, health is much more a range than a fixed point, and relationship dynamics are co-created and dynamic.

Beyond simplification, there is another, more insidious appeal of this language—it can allow one to feel superior. If you describe someone as toxic, unhealthy, etc—what are you? Certainly not THAT if you can diagnose it and name it. You become the good to the bad, the victim to a villain. Your relationship becomes something that happened to you instead of something you participated in. There are instances where this is true—but not nearly as often as the overused term narcissist would imply.

Unfortch—people are more complex than these binaries. They are rarely simply, or even overwhelmingly good or bad—there are exceptions of course (with those opting into elected office being some of the more glaring examples), but generally, people are both capable of doing harm and at risk of being harmed. Seeing people in their full humanity, extending grace, avoiding labels—none of that means tolerating nonsense, harm, or lack of care. It just means not pathologizing it in ways that aren’t actually helpful to anyone involved. A person doesn’t have to be bad to be bad for you—why say toxic when the word incompatible is right there!

Labeling other’s in this way encourages us by default to label ourselves in opposition. The very real danger of being overly committed to one of these particular, dichotomous self identifications (”the good guy”, “the healed, healthy person”, “the giver, etc.”) is that if you internalize these narrow definitions, not only do you undermine your own self awareness and autonomy, but also become less accountable for the harm you may do. When addressing your own behavior shakes your sense of self, it is much more tempting to run away from it.

So what is the solution then? The actual advice from this advice writer.

• Embrace complexity, duality, and honest self reflection.

• Find safe people with whom to practice accountability and reflection—people who can call you in/out with love, compassion, and a belief in your capacity to do better. Therapists, friends, mentors. We grow in relationship. We grow through mistakes—we all make them, we all do harm—the commitment to course correction is the closest thing to being “good” or “healthy” that complex humans can aspire to.

• Think of health/human goodness as a range—not a fixed point. You aren’t headed to a fixed destination—you are trying to keep a train on the tracks. It is an infinite practice, not a finite trip.

• Let yourself be human—and give others that grace too. Focus on behaviors, rather than labels.

• Set and stick to your own boundaries—sometimes our desire to label another person negatively in a dynamic is about their bad behavior. But often, it is also about our own inability to enforce our boundaries—to say no, I don’t want to experience that, I won’t allow that. A person doesn’t have to be bad, to be bad for you.

A coworker who became a friend over the last few years suddenly ghosted me. For context, I am a man and she is a woman, both about the same age and both married. We have previously been out for walks, played sports as couples, had coffee and dinner, and dog sat for each other. We have shared personal life things with each other. It was a respectful, caring friendship—or so I thought.

Recently, I have been doing my usual thing of sending memes or interesting articles and also more personal check ins but a month in and nothing back. I tried several times to see if everything was ok with no response. Finally, I reached out via work email and asked if everything was ok, the response was that yes, she’s ok and if there’s ever a work need she’d let me know. I replied that I’m always here for work but also I wanted to know how she’s doing. She replied that she didn’t find me to be a nice or empathetic person and would reach out if anything work related came up and that would be the end of it.

That landed like a dagger to the heart. I gave it a couple of days, scrolling through previous texts to see if I could identify the falling out or lack of empathy, etc. I can’t find it. So I wrote back that I am still here for her and appreciate her, but will move forward with just a professional relationship.

There has been no further communication since. I have been doubting myself as a person and professional since that interaction. I have cried several times as that particular bit of feedback comes at a difficult self-criticism/negative self talk time in my life. I just don’t know where things went wrong and the lack of communication has me deeply confused. I’ve mourned the loss of a friend and although each day gets a little better I can’t help but replay conversations or go into my negative feedback loop. I don’t know what to do about it next nor how I should react when I see her at work next. Any help, thoughts, advice would be welcome.

Sincerely,

Co-Working Confusion

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Dear Co-Working Confusion,

I can hear the hurt in your letter and I am sorry you are feeling this way. That this is occurring during a time where you are already feeling a lot of self doubt is tough, but under any circumstances, a relationship that ends suddenly and without explanation, hurts. I have been there—the confusion can make it harder to move on.

I do not know what you did, if anything. I’m a firm believer that impact outweighs intent, though, so if you are hoping her TELLING you what you did would allow you to explain and somehow fix things—that isn’t necessarily true. What is true? People are allowed to leave you. There are good and bad ways to do this, of course, but we cannot demand closure or force understanding.

My first piece of advice is harsh, but important: For the sake of your employment and her wellbeing, do not contact her about this (or anything not work related) via work channels. I know this has made you sad and anxious, but you cannot force her to talk to you, and that is what you are doing by addressing her via work channels where she likely feels more pressure to respond. If you continue, it could be considered workplace harassment—not a path you want to go down. When you see her, keep it cordial but short. The awkwardness will wear off with time.

Why is a truly crazy-making question if you sit with it too long, in part because there isn’t always a clear or singular answer. But people who care about us and deserve to take up space in our lives communicate to foster the clear boundaries and shared understanding that relationships flourish under. She is unwilling to do that, so whether it’s your fault or not, this is no longer a good relationship for you. When we feel like we are being rejected, we tend to idealize—but do you really want to be friends with someone who handles conflict this way?

I am not of the mind that we don’t owe one another anything—I think it is kind and generous when we explain our exits from people’s lives and there are also many valid reasons not to. It is a bummer that she is alluding to some friendship ending behavior on your part without naming it—again, you can self-reflect and talk to others (a therapist would be great) for perspective.

Say maybe you did mess up. We all do—relationships are the messy space where we grow the most. So don’t agonize—but do reflect IF you are doing so in order to be a better person and friend. I think that is incredibly worthwhile. Do that for YOU. Not to recover this friendship.

As I age, one of the things that I sit most in awe of is how much we can overcome—things end that you never imagined would—and you live. And something different comes to be. This isn’t to say that people or relationships are replaceable, because that isn’t true. Just that life goes on, and there are still so many people out there you can connect with in wonderful and surprising ways, including yourself. Endings make space for those things, if we let them.

Be gentle while reflecting and doing your own self work, respect this person’s boundary, let go of that dreaded bottomless pit that is “Why?”, and move on with all the optimism you can muster.

Best,
Adri

My longterm boyfriend does something that drives me up a wall. He isn’t the only one though. I know because it is a source of shared frustration with friends about their own partners. The issue—with my partner and theirs—is their behavior online. I will focus on my partner for simplicity sake.

My partner has never been much of an online person. He rarely posts, etc. This is fine by me. But I have noticed that he follows… a lot of people. Most of them women. Some of them are random pretty women, likely total strangers, some have OnlyFans info in their bio, some are huge accounts.

Don’t love this. But I could probably overlook it if he wasn’t interacting with their content. Thanks to Instagram, I can see when he likes/comments and he does both, frequently.

I don’t want to be controlling or insecure—I think this feels more embarrassing than actual cheating/betrayal. I brought it up once and he dismissed it by saying the internet isn’t real, he doesn’t know or talk to those people. He says it doesn’t matter, but also expressed no willingness to change the behavior, so obviously it does!

How do I deal with this?

Sincerely,

The Internet Is NOT Not A Real Place

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Dear The Internet Is NOT Not A Real Place,

I am sorry you are feeling hurt, frustrated, and embarrassed. I don’t think you are out of line to feel that way, and for what it’s worth, I have gotten some version of this question multiple times, so you aren’t alone.

I am not here to judge which relationship boundaries are right or wrong—because it varies couple to couple. And I can’t tell you if you are controlling or insecure—you would have to examine your own patterns to assess that. This is an absolute non issue for lots of folks and I love that for them! But you noted that you have communicated this as something you don’t feel comfortable with to your partner—and he chose to downplay and ultimately dismiss your feelings—that concerns me most.

What I am hearing from you is less an issue that he likes looking at beautiful women (who doesn’t!) and more-so the perception that he is engaging with them in a way that is both public (embarrassing to you) and potentially attention seeking or an indication of other issues or behaviors.

I am not a prude or naive. I am pro-sex worker (and worker in general). I am all for finding the relational dynamic that works for a given person (be it monogamy, non-monagamy, etc), and VERY pro-living in reality: you both will continue to find other people attractive forever! But, I am also thoroughly against letting men play in your face about their behavior.

A friend pointed out that we follow people online based on our interests—so to me, men who engage online in this way seem…boring and juvenile. First and foremost. Additionally, one of my relationship rules is “don’t embarrass me.” This sort of behavior, I have learned, just doesn’t work for me. I don’t think about it in terms of right and wrong, I just find it to be a tremendous turnoff.

So my first bit of advice to you—try to view the issue this way—as a turn off FOR YOU, instead of an objective moral failure by him. Shaming him for this won’t work—and isn’t fair. And seeing it as a turnoff—as behavior you get to opt into or out of is liberating—you can’t control what he does, but you can say, “Not for me, thanks.”

It is really hard to do when you feel hurt, but try to approach this topic with him once more calmly, from a place of curiosity and without shaming. Acknowledge that you know you discussed it before, but that you are hoping to understand two things:

• the first: what does he get out of this? Is this about his sense of autonomy? Validation? Attention?

• Second—what, if any change is he willing to make? Be concrete in your asks if you make any.

Sharing your feelings, asking to get your needs met, and stating your boundaries shouldn’t feel unwelcome or controlling in a healthy partnership—it should feel like an opportunity to understand and love one another better. However, your boundaries are about controlling you—not him. A good partner respects them, but they are still yours to name and enforce. Much of relational work is seeking to understand and actually ACCEPT what we learn, and then enforcing our boundaries by leaving or engaging differently.

Healthy relationships are consensual and conditional, and while better aligned partners may have fewer of these moments where the conditions of the relationship need to be explicitly stated, all relationships have conditions—such as sexual monogamy (defining monogamy together may be very useful for both of you), equitable division of domestic labor, speaking with respect and kindness, hygiene (yes really), etc.

You cannot force people to change or meet your needs—you can communicate—and then he can change or not, and you can stay or not. It isn’t romantic, but choosing to show up for one another with love, effort, and understanding is. I hope he can do that for you.

Sending you self love first and foremost,

Adri