Today is August 19, 2026, my birthday. I turned 36 years old.

As I sit here and reflect on this next chapter, I feel a myriad of emotions: hopefulness, peace, grief, inspiration, resilience, and love. In this article, I want to share a snapshot of those emotions, what I gained from this last chapter, and my goal for moving forward.

Recently, I interviewed financial expert Chris Sain, and he said something that really resonated with me: “I believe you should be intentional about your life, your future, and the moves you actually make. Everything you do should lead you closer to your dream. As long as you’re operating in your purpose, you’ll land where you’re supposed to.”

In this last season, I poured a lot into myself. I saw a therapist, took new courses, set boundaries, started writing consistently again, spoke up more at work, dressed up for no reason, and made intentional visits to friends and family.

But I also spent a lot more time alone, overextended my budget, had some difficult seasons with friends, and gained a more pragmatic approach to life versus the idealistic one I’ve always had at my core.

So what do I think of all of this? Not much. I accept it because I know it’s what I needed in that season. .

Sidebar for context: I’ve had some breakdowns on my birthday. I don’t know why; it’s like it’s my scheduled moment to harp on all the things I should be doing. Although I still always find a way to celebrate it. I am a Leo, after all.

For the first time in years, I’m not super sad that my life looks different than I planned at this age, and I’m also not ready to pop bottles at the club in celebration.

I’m just … grateful for what is.

That’s all I can control.

• I still desire true love and a family.

• I still would love to make a living from writing and producing.

• I still want to accomplish my health and fitness goals.

But it all has to be ordained by God, or I’m cool on it.

Because while I can grieve a life I once desperately wanted to work out, I can also feel hopeful and inspired to use my unique highs and lows to help someone else.

Years ago, I used to share a word for the year, one that I felt was my motivation. This time, I have two: magic and discipline.

I want that girl back who still believes in dreams and love, but I want her to have boundaries, discipline, and discernment too.

Sometimes, that’s easier said than done, though. Because I’m human. But I’ll give it a try; that’s the resilience in me.

Wish me luck.

Anyway, I’m gonna go find some champagne and cake or something.

Thanks for being here. I’d love to hear your thoughts if you have any.

Love,
Kirby Carroll

So I consider it kind of special, which is fitting since it’s August’s (my bday month) read.

I hope you enjoy it. I really do appreciate you being a subscriber.

Karmen walked into the small, cozy bathroom of an upscale bar in Atlanta. Although it was exciting and bustling on the other side of the door, the emptiness of the bathroom felt comforting.

She looked in the mirror and exhaled before checking herself out, taking in her appearance. She gave her best attempt to make the casual summer dress fit the occasion. After a few more futile attempts, she annoyingly grabbed a cardigan out of her bag, wrapped herself in it and headed back inside.

She found a corner booth, shared a warm smile with the bartender and, before long, was sipping a glass of perfectly chilled pinot grigio, loudly crunching bruschetta and reading one of her favorite novels.

Sure, her flight was delayed, and yes, she had a lot on her mind. That all sucked, but the escape felt great.

Her moment was quickly interrupted by a tall, dark-skinned, beautiful Black man. He wore a crisp white button-down, tailored black slacks and dress shoes, complete with a gold chain.

“That’s not exactly a bar read,” he said.

“Excuse me?”

It just hit her that he was speaking to her.

“Do Clones Have Souls and The Celestine Prophecy? Who reads those at a bar?”

“Hey, this is perfectly good bar content. It starts interesting conversations.”

“True. And they make you think. I’ve read both.”

“Seriously? They’re not your typical reads.”

“I know. I learned about them on YouTube. This Black influencer shares recommendations.”

“ZZ Reads?”

“That’s the one.”

“Wow! What are the chances?”

He extended his hand. Karmen shook it.

“I’m Damien.”

“Karmen.”

There was a moment. They both felt it but chose to ignore it.

For a second, Karmen returned to her book. She was in a relationship, after all.

Sure, they had their issues, but loyalty mattered to her. Still, she couldn’t help but be distracted by the smell of his cologne, and her need to feel desired started to overpower her sense of decorum.

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TRIGGER WARNING: This article has minimal spoilers. Also, the novel covers themes of abuse and depression.

I started this novel blind. I had no idea what to expect, except enjoyment. I opened the hardcover fully ready to delve into whatever tale of fun, friendship, or love Akil would take me on. Instead, I experienced a layered artistic journey of healing, vulnerability, and self-reflection.

The author, Mara Brock Akil, is one of my favorite television writers. She’s the creator of the current Netflix series Forever, Being Mary Jane, The Game, Girlfriends, and so many more shows that have become staples for ‘90s Black girls. So when I heard she released her first book, The Revelation of Dionne Daphne, I was down to support. Little did I know, we were about to go deep.

The story follows Dionne Daphne, a thirty-something who learns that her long-term ex-boyfriend has contracted HIV. After getting tested, she uses the 14-day waiting period to heal tragic wounds and reflect on past relationships and experiences.

I’m going to try really hard not to dive too deep into the actual storyline. The book was released less than a month ago, and I hate when people share too much before giving readers time to form their own opinions.

But from my perspective, a woman navigating a new chapter, these are some of the themes that resonated most with me:

Healing Begins With What We Refuse to Face:

Burying hurt feels like a band-aid wrapped around an eternal wound. It prevents you from bleeding and may even help with pain. But it doesn’t solve the problem nor diminish the wound’s effect. In this novel, Dionne forces herself to confront the people and experiences that hurt her. By doing the hard work of giving it light, she’s able to quiet her shame around it and eventually work to move past it. This story was a reminder that in order to truly understand your current actions, you have to do the work to uncover the root of them.

For some, that happens in therapy. For others, it’s community. There are many ways to heal, but I promise you ignoring the hurt is never the solution.

Many of Us Are Unhealthily Tied to Ideals

There is a moment in the book where her ex-boyfriend, Darren, claims that Dionne knew that he was gay. In the moment she’s enraged but later admits to herself that it might actually be true. She was so tied to the idea of being engaged, she quieted her inner voice.

As a reader, it made me reflect on my own life. How many things have I said or done because they were expected of me? How many choices have I made because I assumed the reasoning was “right” or “wrong?” And how extreme did that go?

Personally, I believe in morals and values. But I also think it’s crucial to understand the thinking behind them, especially if they guide your life. If you’re not careful, you can engage in actions that make you unhappy all because you’re too committed to a thought you don’t fully understand.

Love Sees You Through Pure Lenses:

There were beautiful moments of love through this story. From vulnerable interactions with the handsome (because I just know he’s fine) newspaper delivery guy Dominic, to the support from her younger sister, and unwavering love from her best friend, Farrah. Each one was a reminder of the purity of love. That when it’s real, it sees you through good and bad seasons with the same vigor and unique outpouring of compassion.

True love protects the delicate parts of us while helping stronger ones grow.

There are experiences I wish I could edit. Moments I wish I could delete and others I wish I could replay. This novel made me reflect on a lot of them. But through it all I’m eternally grateful for the constants who were there through it all.

If you’re looking for a book that might help you uncover some of those moments, I’d highly recommend The Revelation of Dionne Daphne. I’d love to know your feedback on this write-up and if you have any thoughts on the book. Also, if there’s a book recommendation you’d like me to read or review, please let me know. I’ve been in a reading bubble lately.

-Love, AskKirbyCarroll

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I’m spending July 3rd exactly as I do every year, sitting at home on my beautiful patio sipping apple cider, waiting for the fireworks. My phone is on do not disturb, and I’ve already told everyone I’m unavailable for the next 24 hours.

These are my few hours to simply reflect and be thankful. My name is Kiana and I’m thirty-three years old. I am a lawyer for a small Black-owned firm in Charlotte, and I bought my first home this year. If it had to use one word to describe my life, it would be “cozy.” It’s filled with laughter, kindness, and peace. But it didn’t start like that.

25 years ago today, I was in the back seat of my Dad’s white 1990 Toyota Corolla. I smiled brightly and rapped along to 50 Cent’s In Da Club. He looks in the rearview, surprised, and immediately cuts it off.

“You shouldn’t be singing that.”

“Why?”

“Because some of the stuff he’s saying is not for kids.”

“But he’s talking about birthdays. A lot of kids have birthdays.”

He smiles to himself.

His pager goes off and he pulls into a gas station to make a call.

He inhales deeply, knowing it’s his racist supervisor.

My father, Will, had been working at the city zoo for over 10 years. He handled a lot of the local administrative work, guided guests, and sometimes would even have to sweep the dirty street, in the blazing sun. He could count on one hand the times he’d been late, and even then it was never more than ten minutes. Families often praised him for his kindness and good customer service.

Yet his boss took every chance he could to disrespect him. Although he worked there for years, he refused to call him by his name. It was always: Man, Buddy, or his personal favorite “Brother.” But he endured it because he was able to cover our family’s bills and it was near the best school in the city.

He takes a deep breath before dialing his boss’ cell who answers immediately.

“Hey, Brother, how’s it going”

“I’m all right. What can I help you with?”

“Are you at the fireworks show tonight?”

“Umm, not yet. But my daughter and I are on the way there now.”

“Your daughter?”

“Yeah, I thought we’d enjoy the show.”

“No, Buddy! I need you to work tonight. The other one canceled on me. Can you make it up here by 7?”

My Dad pauses. He looks in the back seat as I dance along to some tune. A brush of emotion covers his face but he quickly swallows it away.

“I can. But is there anyone else who could cover it? I never pass on a shift, but I wanted to enjoy the fireworks show with my daughter.”

“There’s not. But hey, she’s not missing anything! My son goes every year.”

He rolls his eyes.

“All right, I’ll see you there.”

Click. The phone hangs up.

Dad walks back to the car and drives to the zoo. The trees are lit up with fancy lights and families are buzzing along the sidewalk.

My eyes lit up.

“Dad, what’s going on?”

“It’s a July 4th celebration. They have a major firework and light show here. I thought you’d like it.”

You have to understand. For a nine year old girl, who genuinely believed her father was superman, this was a very big deal. Although it was the local zoo, I hadn’t ever been there. He never admitted it, but I think he didn’t want me to see him there. I’m not sure if it was us seeing him sweep the park or the disrespectful supervisor he had to stomach, but he was firm about my mother and I not visiting.

So imagine my surprise to finally see his place of employment and it looks like an amusement park. We walk in holding hands and he quickly introduces me to a smiley woman at the front desk. She agrees to watch me as I sit on a nearby sidewalk and gaze into the night sky.

It was such a beautiful night. The smiley woman sat with me and told me all about the animals at the park and how my Father was a big part of the reason all the kids that visited loved coming to visit.

By now it was almost getting late, and out of nowhere my Dad came to sit with us. He made it just in time for the biggest firework show. I gazed in awe as the sky filled up with some of the most beautiful fireworks I’ve ever seen. Even at nine years old, I knew it was a night I’d remember forever.

A man walked around passing out sparkling cider to toast the night.

“Hey Will! What are you doing here?”

“I’ve never used my employee special event tickets.”

“Oh, you picked a good one to save it for.”

“Here, take a sparkling cider.”

The man passes one to me and my father.

“Can I?”

“Sure, baby go ahead,” said my dad with a smile.

Suddenly, his supervisor walked up.

“Hey, Buddy, I need your help with the trash in the back.

“I don’t handle the trash,” he says.

I didn’t know who this man was but I could tell my father was uncomfortable.

“And what are y’all doing with these drinks? This is only for VIPs”

The server jumped in, “We have more than enough. It’s really okay.”

“No it’s not, Chase. We’ve got to cater to the guests. Crew already gets free passes.”

My Dad snatched the cider out of my hand, cussing under his breath, and trashed both of ours. My eyes filled with tears and I could tell he immediately regretted it. He glanced at me before turning away.

When I returned to my spot on the sidewalk the smiley lady had left, and I took my head out of the clouds. I looked past the crowds and illuminated scenery. Instead, I watched the families with the expensive tote bags and the ones without them. The employees sweeping the park, and how some people just seemed to walk past them. I saw the supervisor yelling at another worker who sheepishly nodded his head. Then in the distance, I saw my Dad passing out a few brochures by the front desk. I walked back over to that server proudly.

“Can I have a cider now? If there’s extra.”

He looks around.

“That guy won’t know. See, he’s yelling at somebody.”

“You’re definitely Willie’s daughter,” he said with a smile, and passes me a cider.

I walk it over to my Dad.

“How did you get this back?”

“I asked like you told me.”

“What?”

“You said if I want something, to ask for it, and if they say no, figure out a way to get it on your own.”

He smiles, and takes the cider.

“Your job is so cool, Dad,” I said.

He holds my hand.

“I didn’t know if you still thought so.”

“A lot of people have mean bosses.”

“I’d deal with that mean boss and pick up all the trash in this park to make sure you don’t have to. I want you to go after your goals, and create the life you want. And I’ll work super hard everyday to make sure you have that opportunity.”

We sat together on that bench and sipped cider until the park closed.

As I now sat on my patio, it felt good to know I kept my promise to him. I send him a picture of my cider and he replies back with a “same.” He’s retired now and enjoying a much deserved break. But when my partners at the firm irritate me or a client gets rude, I look back on that day and remember that there’s always a bigger goal. That’s how I always bring in the holiday.

A Note from the Author

I usually keep the short stories under a paywall, but since I fell off on posts this month, I thought I’d make this one public. I hope you enjoy it and I welcome feedback and thoughts. Sorry it’s late btw!

This one is dedicated to my father. It was inspired by a story he told me about my grandfather and it made me reflect on the daily dedication of good parenting. I hope this resonates or at least reminds you of the importance of making the most of the moments that matter.

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Recently someone asked what my biggest fears are, and it made me pause and truly think before answering. Not to sound like the ultimate girly gangster, but I don’t have too many traditional fears. Heights don't bother me. Paranormal movies don't keep me up at night. If I see a spider, I'm probably going to pick it up and carry it outside. I always believed I could outrun monsters. Time is the only thing I've never believed I could escape.

I realize that all my biggest fears live in my mind and are rooted in it. They center around losing loved ones or not having the things I desire because it runs out. That does scare me, it can even be crippling at times. It’s led to tears, overflowing journal entries, and guilty emotionally distant conversations with friends and family.

Time has played an odd role in my life recently.

Some people want me to move through emotions quickly, while others want me to feel each one intentionally and slowly. I try to treat every voice with compassion and generosity because I know they’re rooted in love, and after all, time waits for no one.

However, I’ve learned the voice I have to hear the loudest is my own.

See time is a unique element of humanity, it’s something we share universally yet use so differently. I mean we’ve all heard the saying, “You have the same 24 hours as Beyonce.” But let’s be honest, if we really tried to live her life could we? Do we have the resources, mental aptitude, work ethic, or physique? Sorry, my Bey-hive membership is showing. My point is, you have to make your own rules, living by another’s time clock isn’t always going to give you the best result, even if it’s a proven way of success. Still, allowing time to aid in your decisions versus it being an enemy, can be an asset.

I’ve accepted a hard truth about time that some people obsesses over and others completely ignore. It’s ever-present. It’s continual, no matter what’s going on.

I recently shared an interview with a physician, who spoke directly to women who are 35+ and family planning. This was by no means an effort to bring worry or stress to women like myself. But it was a reminder that biology is happening and we should be aware of it. My hope is that it sparks someone to start their plan or at the least, gain more information. Because, time waits for no one.

I was previously in a relationship that had a lot of highs and lows. After some of the more hurtful chapters, I had friends who wanted me to throw it away. But I didn’t agree. I wanted to give space and time for us to heal and attempt to work through it. I was fully aware that time was passing, but we used it to to grow and experience a genuine connection.

While there’s parts of that chapter I wish I did differently, I don’t regret it because the time allowed me to grow and experience love. Still, once the disrespect and misalignment was too loud, we parted - eventually amicably. Because even when it’s hard to accept, time waits for no one.

Last one: I used to dream of a fast full-time career in entertainment. Even now, I’m itching to be back on a film/tv set. Having an idea and then bringing it to life is one of the most tangible examples of real-life magic. It’s a high that’s indescribable.

In my twenties, I created a web series, worked for free on film sets, and even shadowed some notable industry and network execs, all with the hope of finding that dream job. Still, I was not making the strides I wanted to, even after multiple interviews and “networking lunches.”

So eventually, I pivoted. I began taking some less glamorous jobs, dusted off the business attire, and started to re-work the structure. I am still a creative at the core. I’ll happily take a PTO day to work on a project. But in order to set myself up, I had to change the plan a little bit (at least for now). Because, after all, time waits for no one.

I pray that by examining the things I want in life and trusting God, I use time and not allow it to use me. I’m working on slowing down to take in moments.

For example, I want to lose weight, so I’m consciously trying to spend less of my time snacking, only eating when I’m hungry. In exchange, I eat slower. I want to take in what I’m consuming and enjoy the sensation. When I spend time at family gatherings, I put my laptop up when I can. Time with them is important to me, so I want to be present.

On the other side, I just completed a project and I’m already looking for the next one. Not because I have to necessarily. But because the industry is so unstable. For me the stress of always looking for the next project feels better than the stress of uncertainty.

Also, it’s easy for me to isolate. I don’t mind my own company. In fact, I took a solo season where I really spent a considerable time in my thoughts. As I step back into a season of trying to form connection, it feels unsteady and odd. A friend asked me recently why even try then, and I responded “I just don’t want to isolate too long, because it feels comfortable. Plus, time waits for no one. Sometimes you have to jump in the pool to learn to swim.”

In my opinion, you don’t have to move as slow or fast as life may make you feel. Maybe my greatest fear will always be time. You just need to be comfortable in your pace. In other words, make that money don’t let it make you! :)

Love,

AskKirbyCarroll

FYI: This article has minimal spoilers.

The effect of Love Island is a phenomenon that should be studied. So many conversations and group chats are filled with thoughts, viewpoints, and opinions of various people with different backgrounds and perspectives all debating and swooning over the love and excitement of the same strangers.

As a marketer and freelance writer/producer, it’s all sort of interesting to me. What resonates most is the standout personalities. Whether you love or hate the islanders, it’s safe to say they make an impact on viewers. Have you ever stopped and wondered why though? Why are so many people tuned into them and their love lives?

Outside of the connection it brings through joined watching and social media, I also think it’s the escape and reflection on one’s own life. It makes you think: what would I do in this unique situation and what does that say about my thought process or dating style? Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t know, but here’s what Season 8 of Love Island USA’s girlies are making me think about when it comes to dating.

Disclaimer: Today is June 18, 2026 and so far 13 episodes of this season have aired. These are merely my opinions, and they could change at any minute. So, don’t do too much.

Aniyah: Be Vulnerable

It probably goes without saying but I want to root for Aniyah - and KC by proxy. But for whatever reason, their generally unproblematic coupling wasn’t really connecting with me. It actually made me question my thought process. Do I feel like love has to overcome a hurdle or feel toxic to be passionate?

I don’t want to think I believe that way, and I realized it may be something else. I didn’t previously know much about them. How can I root for something I don’t understand?

However, in the latest episode, when they wrote letters to each other, Aniyah's heartfelt note helped me grasp their connection a bit more. It reminded me of the importance of removing guards to let others truly know you. Not showing up as a representative is more than just moving beyond small talk, sometimes it means truly exposing your emotions.

Jennifer: Be Visible

So - I don’t want to be shady, but I don’t know too much about her yet. I think if anything, I will say she seems to have made an impression on Gabriel. I guess she’s just a reminder to show and be your best self, because you never know who’s watching - even if it’s not America.

PS: Sorry… that’s all I got. Maybe, we’ll see more of her as the season progresses.

Kayda: Be Free

One of the lessons I learned this year was the importance of boundaries. Without them, something sweet can go sour very quickly. Still, life has taught me it’s crucial to keep your spirit free. Sometimes not being too rigid allows one to live in the moment and embrace life boldly. In my opinion, the way she came in, voiced her feelings for Zach, and still remained open to possibilities exudes a certain confidence that I think is important in dating. It gives, “I like you but I like me more.”

Kenzie: Be Certain

Now, I’m not gonna lie, this girl annoys me sometimes. But let’s be honest, the way she went back and forth between Corbin and Caleb was one of the annoyingly addictive storylines. Still, it was a reminder that it’s okay to take time and truly decide what you want before making a decision. Nothing sucks more than a person who goes back on their word. So make sure you’re confident before making it.

PS: I’m trying to keep it positive. This girl does give thirsty vibes though, at least the way it’s edited.

Melanie: Be Emotionally Regulated

Whew, Melanie. Quiet as it’s kept, I feel like she’s the star of the show. She brings the drama and a lot of the excitement to the storylines. Watching her back and forth with Sincere was cringy at times. But let’s be honest, who hasn’t been in a situation like that?

Still, I liked seeing her be in another couple and it appears that she grew through the situation. In the later episodes, she seems a lot more emotionally regulated, which ultimately got her to where she wanted to be, back with Insincere, I mean Sincere. :)

Sol: Be Aware

I had to think on this one. Because I think she’s getting a bad rep in the villa, and it’s not really her fault. However, I will say, I think the writing was on the wall that Sincere was not being all the way genuine with her. Life has taught me that when a woman is acting “crazy” over a guy, there’s usually a reason.

I wish she would have been a little more aware of the situation. I think the other girls were trying to give her hints too. Again, we’ve all been there but I’m hoping she bounces back, maybe with a new bombshell!

Trinity: Be a Friend First

This may be a bit of a hot take, but Trinity and Bryce are one of my favorite couples to watch, and Trinity is also one of my favorite girls in the villa. Their connection seems truly organic and rooted in companionship. It’s a reminder that genuine friendship is important when forming a relationship. Now while I personally prefer to be a little obsessed with my partner, I realize that feeling is temporary and genuine connection is what transforms chemistry to connection. But the jury is still out if they’re giving romance or just best buds.

Let me know your thoughts! I’m about to catch up on the new episode now. <3

Love,

AskKirbyCarroll

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I sat and spoke with one of my girlfriends yesterday and we had a really nice talk about how our lives have changed over time. There were things that mattered so much ten years ago that now feel like a different life. When I got home I thought about this more and tried to figure out what drove that change. And I think I realize now, it’s the fact that I’m actively trying to decenter people pleasing and validation, while not losing the essence of who I am.

Treating others with kindness is a core belief of mine. I also believe it’s part of my identity. I’ve heard for years, “Kirby is so nice.” But at some point, I prioritized being nice over having boundaries. Over time that affected my dating life, friendships, and even previous career opportunities. Because eventually at a some point, I have that “you got me effed up” moment, and I pull away. It’s a cycle I don’t want to repeat and I’m actively doing the work to change that.

I kindly remove myself from situations that feel disrespectful and I’m honest about not being able to make every event or gathering, when I know my social battery needs a recharge or the vibe is not right. And here’s the thing, my relationships are in a great place. I remain super close with my family, a blessing that stays consistent. My friends and I are in a good place and I’ve made strides in my career. And guess what, I didn’t lose my identity. The only thing I’ll admit is that I spend a lot more time at home.

Some days I love this, others I get in my feelings about it. I realize I have to be more intentional about not staying in my bubble. I’ve even written a story about ways to build community, which I believe is helpful. But I also understand the feeling of just needing to get out of a funk. The truth is building community can take some time. Sometimes it’s not even about making new friends, it’s just about getting out of the house and feeling good.

If you’re an introvert that’s feeling that need, here’s are a few things you can do right now.

1. Go to a Coffee Shop

I absolutely love working at coffee shops, especially during this season. There’s nothing like sitting outside, sipping a chai tea latte, and checking off my to-do list. It’s a great mood-lifter, that you can do completely by yourself or invite a friend to. I usually recommend scheduling dates (friends or baes), but coffee is low-lift enough that people can easily stop by between life’s errands.

2. Volunteer

I’m actually doing this today! Let’s be real, no one really wants to turn down free help. Depending on your city, availability may fill quickly. But if there’s an activity or cause you’re passionate about, look it up. A lot of times the shifts aren’t too time-consuming and you can meet people if you want or simply complete your task alone, knowing you made an effort to help someone. (PS: I signed up for the theatre and homeless shelter)

3. Take Yourself On a Solo Date

I admit I don’t do this much. I’m just a little too awkward but the times I have done this, I enjoyed it. As mentioned earlier, I tend to lean toward catering to others. So sometimes, I enjoy just literally going where I want: the restaurant, the movie theatre, the salon. Whatever your thing is, do it and embrace it. My favorite was going to see Planet of the Apes years ago. I used to be so afraid to go places by myself. But once I sat in the theatre wrapped up in a film I loved, while crunching hard on my taco with guacamole spilling on my sweatpants, I was sold. Highly recommend.

4. Move Your Body

Go for a walk, ride your bike, or be social and sign up for a class. I’m guessing you can find something on EventBrite. I’m not a fitness girlie. I wish I was. But even I can’t deny, I always feel better after a workout, no matter how small or big. Walking grounds me and it’s part of my routine. But classes can be fun and exciting too. If you’re able, I recommend incorporating the outdoors somehow though.

Let me know if you try any of them!

If you’re not new here, you know that freelance writing has been a part of my career journey pretty much since the beginning. Through this unique experience, I’ve had the opportunity to converse with popular and respected industry leaders.

At the start of my career, I fed off those moments, especially the celebrity interviews. It felt so satisfying to interview people my family and friends were not only familiar with, but impressed by.

However, as I’ve gotten older, that motivation has changed. Today, I’m more interested in gaining insight and understanding. I want to learn more about the topics and ideas that most interest me or could benefit me, from people I genuinely respect. That can range from career development and business to partnership and spirituality.

This time, it was family planning.

As a thirty-five year-old woman, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and who will be involved in it. Should my future plan still look the same? Is that even possible? And how do I know if I’m in the right place to achieve those things?

Hearing Dr. Chi explain her experience was not only informative, but inspiring.

Give the interview a read here, on Bombshell by Bleu.

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It’s a kind of chilly spring morning, which is rare in Atlanta by this time. Part of me wants to head to my office and start the workday early. The other part wants to lounge in bed and relax under my fluffy comforter until the absolute last moment before having to sign in to work. So what do I do? I put on some comfy clothes, grab my laptop, and work from my bedroom. It’s a nice blend. I’m happy. Until I realize that I’m basking in one of my patterns.

I’m playing the middle, choosing not to make a firm decision one way or the other and instead finding a way to blend them both. It’s not a bad trait, honestly. A lot of times it gives you space to decide what your true desire is. There’s a safety in it, a comfort. It allows you to delay a feeling of discomfort, while still giving you a feeling of accountability. I’m relaxing and enjoying the morning, but I’m still ticking things off my to-do list.

But what happens when those patterns start to halt your goals?

Not sure what I mean? Here are five situations from different seasons of my life where ‘playing the middle’ helped me avoid discomfort, for better or worse.

1. The Situation (Physical): I want to lose weight and gain muscle to build confidence and improve my health.

Playing the Middle: I start eating better, tracking calories and limiting sugar, but I don’t commit to the gym or physical movement.

Outcome: I may lose some weight which feels good, but if I don’t, I don’t feel as if I “failed” because I know I wasn’t fully committed.

2. The Situation (Emotional, Friendships): A friend says something that hurts my feelings, making me question their intentions.

Playing the Middle: I keep the friendship but continuosoly cancel plans and keep an emotional distance.

Outcome: I avoid the uncomfortableness of having a hard conversation while silently deciding if it’s something I should forgive and forget or let go of the friendship entirely.

3. Situation (Emotional, Relationships): A guy breaks my heart by crossing a firm boundary.

Playing the Middle: I end the relationship but hold onto the connection through intimate conversations or physical connection.

Outcome: I feel accountable and proud for making the “right” choice, while still sitting in a space that feels passionate and familiar.

4. Situation (Professional): I mention being interested in growth opportunities at work, but seem to keep being passed over.

Playing the Middle: I continue working hard at the company, showing my potential and occasionally connecting with other colleagues for support, motivation, and professional advice.

Outcome: I improve my skills, making me an even stronger asset while avoiding the headache that comes with job searching.

The Question That Changed Everything

Here’s the thing. I don’t think many of us would consider those a “bad” response. I mean, working hard at work, while not getting appreciated for it and skipping the gym, who hasn’t dealt with this?

It only becomes an issue when avoiding a firm decision keeps you from the life you actually want. For example, do you want that new job opportunity because you want to move out of a sketchy neighborhood and a promotion would give you the income to do it? If so, it might be time to look for a new job or have a firmer conversation with your boss. Or do you desire marriage? You can’t have that while only being halfway in. So either forgive them or move on.

That’s what shifted things for me, asking that question. How is my inability to commit to a firm decision affecting my larger motivation? I’m always an advocate for being present and generally think it’s better to think on decisions before making an immediate response. But as someone who struggles with boundaries, there’s a fine line. In order to make sure I’m moving in a space of true alignment and not revisiting old patterns, I try to keep that question top of mind.

But I’ll be honest if the motivation is something minor like just wanting to start the workday early, so I can start my weekend early, I might just end up writing a Substack, playing the middle.

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My home is my safe space. However, in the year I’ve been inside it, I’ve already racked up a host of dramatically happy and not so happy memories. Sometimes I dance around it solo marveling at the space and opportunity, while others I’m rolling my eyes while finding yet another thing that needs to be fixed or upgraded. Those jumble of imperfections provide a certain calmness that creates a piece of tangible stability, during a somewhat transitional chapter.

Now, I’ll be the first one to tell you: there is a lot of work that needs to be done around here. I need more furniture and, apparently, inspiration from Pinterest. It seems my creative spirit rejected the home design gene.

Still, whenever loved ones visit, I get the same comments. “It feels very cozy.” “And “I like staying with you, because it feels comfortable.” That always makes me smile, and I’ll be honest was very intentional on my part.

To be clear, this is not a home decor listicle. I wouldn’t even fake with y’all like that. It’s more of a brain dump of honest low-lift things I do when I have time, and I thought it was worth sharing.

These are five cost-effective ways to make your home feel cozy, right now.

1. Pay Attention to Your Lighting

This may be the Producer girlie in me, but I love effective lighting. In filmmaking, it can literally create the emotion or feeling of a scene, it does the same thing in your home.

In my bedrooms and living room, I use warm lighting and lamps, creating more of a moody vibe. However, the office, bathroom, and kitchen use bright LED lights, setting a different tone, one that demands attention.

2. Create a Vibe That Feels Personally Relaxing to You

This varies based on the person. But one thing is clear, the small things matter. My senses love the visual of smoke swirling, it always seems to put me in a more relaxed state. So, occasionally I’ll turn on a diffuser or even burn incense.

There’s other things too. Often people take their shoes off at the door, so I keep a pair of cozy socks in a fabric basin in the living room (honesty hour: I stole this idea from an Airbnb). Lastly, I might even create a playlist or play a low-fi Youtube channel (stole this from ex) quietly in the background. All of a sudden it feels like we’re in a classy cafe, whole time we’re literally just sitting on my couch.

3. Display the Snacks & Beverages

Have you ever been at someone’s home, yapping, thirsty? It’s the worst. Yet, a lot of people won’t accept a glass of water until its offered. As a woman who is learning to find her voice, I can say, this is more common that you think. But if you have snacks, water, tea, and/or wine displayed, people feel more comfortable to indulge. I have mints on my entry table and sometimes an assortment of snacks on a tiered stand in the kitchen (I try to not keep them in the house too long before the visit because, well, I’ll eat them myself).

Plus, who doesn’t like a little snack during a catchup?

4. Get the Sheets & Towels Fresh From Out the Dryer

Personally I just love this one. Throw the sheets and or towels in the dryer a few minutes before giving it your guests. The warmth emotes a special soothing luxury feeling, and it literally only takes you a few minutes.

5. Leave a Little Treat

So this one I got from Meghan Markle’s show. Also, why do people have beef with her, she seems so sweet? Nevermind I know the answer. Anyway we’re back …

On With Love, Meghan, I learned she always leaves her guests with a small gift or token of appreciation. I know in today’s economy that sounds crazy. But it doesn’t have to be an actual gift. When my friends were in town for the Cardi B concert, I left shower steamers and masks in their bathroom. You can buy those or something like it low-cost in bulk. It’s just a small token to say, I hope you feel good here, and you carry that feeling home with you.

Do you have any others? Let me know in the comments, and remember I’m on a budget!

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Recently founder, businesswoman, and entrepreneur Emma Grede made a comment about WFH culture that sparked a lot of nuanced responses. On Baby, this is Keke Palmer, she called it a “career killer for women.” And I need to talk about it.

Let me start with this. This is less about WFH being “good or bad,” and more about what kind of career strategy and life design actually aligns with me.

My current full-time role is hybrid, and at this point in my life, I can’t see myself going back into the office full-time. Since I was young, I’ve always put more of an emphasis on how my life feels versus how it looks. What I mean by this is, I’m sure there are other roles I could apply for that require 100% in-office work and may be more of a corporate ladder climber, but flexibility is important to me.

When I look at how I see my life now and in the future, I want my schedule to be adjustable. That being said, these two notes are important.

1. I agree with her to a certain extent.

2. It’s important to know what’s driving you.

So let’s break it down…

The Importance of Presence

“You have to be twice as good to get half of what they get.” Some may remember that line from Scandal, when Rowan (Papa Pope) yelled it at Olivia. Others know it as something that’s passed down from generation to generation. Sometimes to really show up, you have to show up - and do more, and that sucks. But I think it’s more complex than simply “being in the office.”

In my opinion, what she was saying is doing the job alone is not enough for elevation. I think joining employee resource groups, volunteering with your company, or scheduling 1:1s with employees or higher ups can make an impact. When they can make more of a human connection, or are aware of your wins and goals, they’re more likely to advocate for you. But if they don’t know you, they don’t know you, and those options may go to the people they do.

Know What’s Driving You

Gulps of hot tea in the morning. Mid-day walks with my dog. Coffee dates with friends. And quick check-ins with loved ones make my days feel more fulfilling. But that matters to me. It also makes sense to call out that some people don’t have the luxury of working from home and some don’t have the luxury of going into the office. I feel like that’s a major element that’s being left out of all of the conversations.

In this moment of my life, flow is very important. I want a chapter of creativity, strategy, and calm. However, in a year, that motivation or situation may change. Regardless, I’ve learned it’s necessary to know where your internal push is coming from and be aware of how that affects your overall plan.

For the record, I listen to Emma Grede’s podcast weekly and she’s on my list of people I’d like to interview. I know her style is very direct and straight-forward, but it seems genuine from my end. I agree that showing up matters, but I think how you show up matters more. Anyway, I can’t wait to start the book! Let me know your thoughts. I’m here for a Substack book club!

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This has silently been one of the most transitional chapters of my life. If you look at it on paper, things look great. In the past two years, I’ve bought my first home, made strides in my professional career and my text threads are filled with laughs and “love you’s” from friends and family. But it’s also been an extreme era of unlearning and letting go of what I think life is “supposed” to look like - and pivoting.

I previously saw a different dynamic for myself. I was in a loving relationship, kids were running around the house, and I was the girl-boss, working at a marketing firm or a TV network, enjoying weekly nights out with friends or hubby. Instead, a recent chapter ended with someone I love, I live alone, friendships have shifted, and while I genuinely enjoy my job, I don’t particularly care for the fact that its such a central part of my life. Plus, have you heard about the communications and media industry lately? Let’s just say it’s not the best time for us.

Still, this is not a vent post. There’s parts of this new era that have been oddly freeing. For one, my relationship with my ex is in a healthier place. It’s amazing how much better our encounters are with freedom…and boundaries. Also, I miss my tribe - like a lot. But the solitude has forced me to rediscover new interests and passions. From fitness classes to screenwriting meet-ups, I’m working to thoughtfully grow community and skills. Oh, and my happy place is my couch with a big t-shirt, Sex and the City or Scandal, and a cold glass of Pinot Grigio.

But I have to be honest. There’s another side. There are times I get really down and loneliness creeps in. Also, because of the friend/relationship highs and lows, I’m hesitant to open up with others. This sometimes results in being distant or emotionally reserved. Plus, due to the changes in the industry, my mind is constantly on go. What new skill should I learn? How can I cement myself so that I can have a bigger sense of stability. And is there something I should be working on right now instead of writing this article?

As a thirty-something, the idea of being out on the town is no longer enough to silence these thoughts. So, I’m forced to confront them. My way of doing this is unlearning and letting go of what I think life is “supposed to look like,” while still working for the things I deserve.

It’s like what if:

My writing never catches on? Will I live in despair? No. But also, what if it does? That would be amazing. So, I’m going to keep working diligently in my professional career, because baby’s gotta eat. But ya’ll gonna get these articles and scripts too.

What if all my friendships change? Will I live in despair? No. But community is super important to me. So, I’ll embrace my solitude, while setting special time to connect with loved ones.

What if I never have a family? Will I live in despair? No. But honestly, that would hurt. So, I’m going to keep that a part of my life plan and not give up on love, while embracing the moment I’m in presently. Because we never get these days again.

Through it all what holds me together is God, my family, and grit. Let me break it down.

1. God

   Cliche, right? Not really. Through finances (that’s a story for another day), relationships, friendships, low moments, health surprises, career changes, and more. He’s always been there. I can always hear His voice if I’m quiet enough, reminding me that I’m not alone and whose child I am.

   I am not a saint, I’ll never pretend to be. But God shows me constantly that I am loved and that keeps me even in my lowest moments.

2. My Family

   They are my biggest blessing. When I was younger (like a babykid - is that a word? idk), I had a dream that I was in Heaven and I literally hand-picked my parents. When I told them about the dream, my Dad responded, “well, thanks for choosing us.” It’s become a family insider that showcases our closeness. That feeling has transcended through adulthood. We all have a very unique and specific bond. I know I can always rely on my loved ones for support and through that years that’s propelled me in high and low seasons.

3. Grit.

   I still believe we have the power to create the life we want. It’s not always easy but it’s possible. You want the dream body? Work out. You want to be a famous actor? Take acting classes and move to the big city. Obviously these things aren’t always easy to do. But we always have the choice to keep pushing or to pivot.

Reminding myself of this carries me through my hard days and makes my soft ones feel sweeter.

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Every April, 32-year-old twins, Tracy and Timothy, spend the month trying to out-prank each other, in honor of April Fool’s Day. It’s a tradition they’d come to expect, yet one of them still falls for it every time.

A few standout performances? Tracy “accidentally” not disposing of a pregnancy test, making Timothy believe he was becoming an uncle, to smaller ones like Tracy’s favorite Stanley container being filled with chilled white vinegar and taking a big swig in front of her friends. It had become an exciting experience for both of them, and no matter how busy they were or how far they lived (Timothy recently moved for a new gig), they always looked forward to it.

But this year, Tracy had put an unusual amount of thought into it. It was due to a blend of a lot of components like her attention to detail, quirky personality, and genuine need for connectivity. At this chapter, she was starting to feel very disconnected from the people in her life, by no fault of her’s or theirs. Everyone was just busy.

It started with her best friend Kamille. She’s a newlywed who is enjoying her new season, and Tracy couldn’t be happier for her. She just - missed her. It seems like they were speaking less and less and when they did talk, it felt like a check-in versus a conversation.

Between busy careers, parenting, and a few friend arguments, she found herself feeling oddly disconnected to people she once couldn’t go a day without speaking to. But no matter what happens, she always had Timothy.

Her plan started almost six months ago when Timothy casually mentioned how much he hated wearing uniforms as a child.

“They take away individuality. People use fashion to express themselves. Wearing my fly suits is what helped build my confidence,” he says.

“I interviewed at a non-profit after college that required us to wear a company shirt every day,” said Tracy.

“Hell nah. That would be a dealbreaker for me.”

“Seriously, Tim? Even if it was a really good salary?”

“I wouldn’t care. It speaks to their work culture.”

Tracy looked at him. At first her stare was one of confusion, but then an idea was birthed.

Fast forward, she learned that Timothy’s boss, Elaine, went to her alma mater. So she made sure they became Facebook friends, complete with laughs over funny statuses and the occasional reel. That way, it didn’t seem too weird when Tracy messaged her asking if she’d be down to help prank her brother.

“Sure! Sounds fun, what do you need?” she replied easily.

And just like that, it was the perfect setup and she was so excited. Tracy picks up her phone to try Kamille, she really wanted to tell her the plan.

It rings and immediately goes to voicemail.

Tracy redials again wondering if the call didn’t go through. Kamille answers on the second ring, hey girl, let me call you back. I’m in the middle of something important.”

“Okay, I just wanted to tell you about my April Fools joke.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll call you back. We’re almost done putting up the curtains.”

“Oh. okay.”

“Cool, love you, girly.”

Click. She hangs up.

Tracy tries to collect her thoughts. First, when did they decide it was okay to ignore each other’s calls? Also, when did putting up curtains become “important?”

Tracy felt herself become upset, but she blinked back the feelings. It was too important of a day. She checked the time. Here we go.

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Morning peeks in. Tara shuts her eyes tight, hoping to hold on to the peace of the darkness for a little while longer. She can hear the gentle rain outside, seemingly echoing her emotions. It’s not exactly a happy feeling but it feels oddly comforting. She exhales, allowing herself a brief moment of peace before drifting back to sleep, but she’s quickly interrupted by her blaring alarm clock. It’s across the room on her dresser. She places it there on purpose so she’s forced to get out of bed.

That’s what they don’t tell you about feeling low everyday. It’s constant work, planning to present normally in the world. If her alarm clock isn’t across the room, then she won’t get up to turn it off, then she won’t put on her workout clothes that are folded right next to it.

Tara puts on her cozy sweatsuit and jogs down the street, making sure to wave at Candace, the black widow who lives on the corner. She’s made it a habit to mow her yard every other week. Once she’s out of eyesight, Tara rolls her eyes. It’s not that she minds mowing her lawn - in fact, it gives her something productive to do on Saturday mornings. It’s just that, that’s what so much of her life had become - doing stuff for others. From shrinking at work to be more digestible to her coworkers, to the insufferable therapy sessions her parents requested, to “working” on her relationship after her boyfriend cheated on her, right to mowing Ms. Candace’s yard, everything felt like it was for other people.

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It sits in my closet staring at me, the little red dress I’m supposed to wear tonight to my husband’s company gala. I bought it last year around this time after our amazing romantic getaway. That night was perfect, and I knew I’d want to make it even better the following year- so I bought it immediately.

But things had changed during these last 365 days.…

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I took 21 days away from social media, and I was pleasantly surprised at the outcome. First, I should let you all know that this is my first time doing this. As a freelance writer and comms/marketing girlie, I usually need to jump on the apps for something at some point during the day. And that’s been my perfect yet understandable excuse for over a decade. But the truth of the matter is, I also just enjoy it like the rest of the world.

Every January, I start my year with the Daniel Fast. It’s my small way of thanking God for getting me through the year before, everyday blessings, and resetting for the next 365 days. This year, I really wanted to lock in. I’ve been dealing with a few personal challenges, and I was really craving that sense of spiritual emotional clarity that it offers. So I decided to upgrade a bit.

Outside of the occasional glance for work, I took a well needed detox from social media, and the things I discovered were really interesting. So per usual, I had to write it down. Here’s what I noticed during my social media detox:

1. I Felt Refreshingly Disconnected

Now, this could be a pro or a con depending on your point of view. But my content consists of my favorite people, influencers, and media outlets. It’s where I keep up with loved ones, get inspired, and follow news. Unfortunately, that can sometimes be a negative. Because there’s so much craziness in the world, being exposed to it can sometimes give you a feeling of discomfort. Like, imagine seeing another horrible news story or celebrity drama on your feed and carrying that in your spirit before even getting out of bed. It can sometimes put you on edge, even if its not intentional.

Also, I love sending my friends/family reels. And to be clear, I’m still going to do that. But not being on social media, made me have a lot more conversations with them. I talked to people I wouldn’t usually connect with regularly and heard about experiences, verses just seeing them online. As much as I love digital community, it should never replace actual community and conversation.

2. My Productivity Increased

So I’m going to be real. I don’t think I’m one of those people that live online. Yes, I use social media and I probably could cut back on screen time. But honestly, I think I have a somewhat healthy relationship with it, so I was genuinely surprised by this one. But by not having certain apps like Threads, Instagram, TikTok and etc, on my phone, it was a lot easier to stay focus on tasks. During the break, I made a sizable dent in my workload and even got a few more things done around my new home.

3. I Truly Relaxed

Again, this could be a good thing or a bad thing. But I’m just being honest about my experience. I slept so much more in the last month than I have in weeks. I think that’s because when you’re relaxingly scrolling in bed or on the couch, you’re still overloading your brain with content. However, when I’d lay sit with a cup of tea and just be in my thoughts, I felt a different level of calm, that I absolutely want to take with me past the 21-days. It was like I was actually relaxing - if that makes sense.

4. I Gave Other Outlets My Attention

From movies and books to a dance workout class, I tried a few new things this month. I always like to say I’m an introvert trapped in an extrovert personality. Because I love my time alone, but also desire connection. Not retreating to my usual social media routine allowed me to discover more present feel-good experience, from simply time at home to in-person experiences.

4. I Discovered the Things I Want to Take With Me Past the Fast

Every year there’s something I learn about myself during this period and this time was no different. A lot of it is going to require real work and prayer. But the social media goals, are more about discipline. Here’s what I’m taking with me:

• Deleting apps temporarily or at least muting notifications helps me feel more present.

• I used to do this but it got away from it: I should limit myself to social media breaks, that way it doesn’t interfere with focus time or time with loved ones (ie. lunch break, before a commute, after dinner or etc.)

• It seems like I should keep my mornings social-media free and possibly late nights if I’m feeling fatigued

• I need to continue finding ways to build community and make more time for things I enjoy IRL. ‘

Don’t get me wrong I will absolutely be back on the ‘gram. My plan is just to limit its access to my brain space. What do you guys think? Am I being extra or is this something you could connect with? Let me know.

Love,

AskKirbyCarroll

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It’s Day 20 of Dry January. Alex stands at the bar refilling a beer for the flirty 55-year-old man who just can’t seem to look her in her eyes.

“Thank you, honey,” he says with a creepy smirk.

Isn’t it interesting how small mannerisms can make some older men so attractive, while others make you consider them a flight risk?

“No problem,” she says, forcing a polite smile.

Alex isn’t quite sure how she got here. She’s a college-educated woman with a great skill for numbers, accounting, and people. But after last year, when the small accounting firm she worked at closed down, she just hasn’t been able to find her way back. At first, she only drank at brunches with friends. Because mimosas, right? But then a few of those friends moved away, and after ending the third situationship of her thirties, she lost interest in the trendy lounges and highly overpriced brunch spots. The idea of a good TV show binge and a few shots on the couch became a lot more appealing. Until it wasn’t.

It was about six months ago on a hot summer afternoon. Alex wore a large blazer that was way too heavy for the weather. She really wanted this latest interview to go well and needed people to know she was serious and professional—even if her résumé had gaping holes. Alex took a few deep breaths before walking into Pointe LLC, a luxury accounting firm that had a surprisingly trendy website and pretty good reviews on Glassdoor.

As she walked in, the administrative assistant seated her with a smile and a glass of water. She waited all of ten minutes before being greeted by the lead accountant, Lynette.

The interview went seemingly well. She spoke about her past successes and made sure to let her personality shine. It seemed like this might be the one—until they asked about the relationship with her former boss.

“Oh, I loved working with Mr. Davis. He was a great teacher and friend.”

The director responded, “Do you know where he landed?”

“Yes, he started his own firm. We keep in touch, actually. He’ll probably be the one who writes my recommendation letter if I’m lucky enough to move to the next step.”

Lynette pressed on. “And his clients, did they follow him?”

“Not all of them, but a few. He always stressed the importance of relationships and making sure clients can trust you.”

“Yes, Mario is a hoot. He’s definitely arrogant enough to think he could just throw up his own firm and make it sustainable.”

Alex pauses. She’s unsure how to respond to the rude insult of her mentor. Plus, how did she know his first name? That’s when she realizes what this is. The mention of clients. The first-name recognition. This is a phishing interview. The director just wanted to learn more about the competition.

She tries to shift the convo. “Is there anything on my résumé that you’d like me to elaborate on?”

The director is already glancing at her monitor. She’s lost interest. “Nope, I think we’re good for now.”

The energy is off. She can feel it. This wouldn’t be so bad if it were the first interview or even the fifth, but it was the eighth. And this was really starting to mess with her self-esteem. As she walks out of the office, she spots The Luxe Bar. It’s a pricey tapas restaurant that she’s loved since moving to North Carolina. Usually, she wouldn’t allow herself to indulge—but today had been a day.

Alex walks up to the cashier and orders a lemonade tea and an order of fries. As she digs in her purse, she freezes when she sees Carmine, a “friend,” in the corner of the restaurant. At one time, they were pretty close. But since Alex hasn’t been able to afford the pricey restaurants, they see each other less and less. She gives a friendly wave, and Carmine walks up to greet her.

They embrace.

“Girl, it’s so good to see you. Look at you in this blazer, such a boss.”

“Thank you, boo. How have you been?”

She hands her card to the friendly cashier.

“Girl, still dealing with that same negro.”

“Y’all will never leave each other alone. I’m convinced.”

They laugh, remembering their familiarity.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, your card declined,” the cashier interrupts.

Silence. Awkwardness.

Alex was tight with money. But not that tight. Not card-declined-for-$16.87 tight. But then she remembered—the electric bill came out today, and she spent her last $100 on this heavy-ass blazer. Her unemployment check should hit tomorrow. But the account is, in fact, empty.

Alex continues to dig in her purse for her emergency credit card. But she can’t find it. It’s not there.

“I don’t have my card, sorry. I’ll come right back.”

Carmine looks at her helplessly. Alex is not sure what’s more annoying—Carmine not offering to cover her tab, or if she would have actually covered it.

“I guess we can catch up later,” Alex says as she rushes out of the store.

She gets back to the car and slams the door, finally letting out the tears. Her emergency credit card sits on the passenger seat. From there, she drove to the local bar and drank for the rest of the night, telling herself she deserved this escape. She gave her number out three times, took shots with a flirty bartender, and ended the night with a boot on her car—where she drunkenly had to call her ex-boyfriend to ask for money to get it removed.

Alex has been drinking every night since then, and thanks to the flirty bartender, she now works at that bar.

Each day, she told herself to stop, but what started as an innocent release had become a crutch that was starting to interfere with the very tiny tips she made.

But not in January. She was dedicated to rediscovering herself. But on this particular night, the feeling was coming back—the thirst for just a little drink.

She sits behind the bar, pouring her own drink, when suddenly she’s interrupted by a familiar voice. It’s her old boss, Mr. Davidson.

They end up chatting for over an hour. He fills her in on how the luxury accounting firm has been going after his clients, and he reminds her of how well she did at her job. The conversation felt good and made her feel full in a way that was needed. When he finally asked to close his tab, she grabbed his check and poured out the drink she had made for herself, never taking a sip. Mario shook her hand and was about to leave, but then turned back around with a question.

“I don’t know if you’re open to contract work. But I could really use some help at my firm. It’s not as much as before, but I can offer you something.”

“That would be amazing.”

“Okay, I’ll give you a call this week.”

She takes off her apron. She made it to Day 21.

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A Note from the Author

The beginning of the year is often a time centered around fresh starts. Whether yours is related to finances, health and fitness, or everyday routines, I wanted to remind everyone of the importance of takin

g it one day at a time.

According to my therapist, a lot of times the biggest challenges are birthed from specific moments we didn’t heal from. In this story, we can clearly pinpoint Alex’s, but it can be difficult to discover our own. I encourage you to try and find yours and do the work to heal from it.

Also, I wanted to explore conversations around substance abuse and show empathy to those who find it a challenge. I welcome any thoughts/feedback about this story.

For more stories, follow me on Substack and on social media at @AskKirbyCarroll (I’m taking a little online break until Feb., though :)

Call me old-fashioned but I still love making new year resolutions. I know the “New Year, Same Me” mantra has become the trope. But I’ve always enjoyed the aspirational feeling of sitting down, putting pen to paper, and drafting out my goals.

This year when chatting about them with friends and family, I noticed that many of us shared an important one: the need to build community. Between work-life balance, relationships and random life transitions - it seems like a lot of us are craving platonic connection.

As someone who likes to change cities, I’ve dealt with this before. But I have a few go-to ways that helps eliminate the stress.

These are my 5 ways to build community in the new year and beyond.

1. Schedule it Into Your Life

One of my girlfriends and I have a standing monthly coffee date. It’s our planned couple of hours to yap about life and chat about industry news. She’s a friend and colleague of 10+ years and I’ve always cherished our relationship, but we’re both very busy. The elusive “we have to hang out soon," would never truly manifest. But by intentionally carving out time and scouting the coffee shop in advance, we actually commit to our catch-up.

It may sound dramatic but add the catchup to your calendar, RSVP the lunch date, or buy the event ticket in advance - by committing, you’re intentionally making time to truly connect.

2. Join Groups and Activities

The pandemic changed everything. So many people work remote or hybrid. Its safe to say the days of meeting people in the break room are long gone. So what do you do if you’re no longer in college and your workplace isn’t social? The answer is activities! From church groups and gym classes to more niche activities like a book club or theatre group, there’s something for everyone. Just find something you enjoy, speak to someone while there, and eventually ask them to hang out outside of the activity.

I promise it’s less creepy than it sounds.

3. Reconnect With Associates

This may sound like an obvious one, but it’s easier said than done - especially when time has passed. Don’t be afraid to connect with friends you haven’t spoke to in awhile. Often we spend our time talking to the same group of people, so we never think to reach out to that friend outside of our circle. This year, I literally made a list of people I want to reconnect with personally and professionally. Make yours and then shoot them a message. Remember, they already like you.

4. Have Friends Introduce You to Their Crew

One of my best friends is a mother who really wants more “mom friends.” Whenever she spoke about it, I always felt bad for her because I have so many of them.Then one day, I suggested she meet up with another one of my homegirls, and they instantly clicked. By now, they’ve went to the movies together and I see them talking all the time online, and I love it. Don’t gatekeep your friends.

5. Use the Apps, Sis

You have a thriving community that probably already exists on social media. But so many people use it the wrong way. Comparing and bed-rotting is not the way to go, but engagement is. Discover people with similar interests/lifestyles and connect. I have started relationships and gotten job offers through Instagram and Facebook. If there seems to be a camaraderie growing, don’t be afraid to move from comments to a DM. But you have to engage with people - no ghost following!

Are you down to trying one or any of these hacks? Let me know in the comments!