This episode is particularly helpful for anyone that is struggling with grief, mental health, psychedelics, spiritual warfare, love, purity, and idolatry.

Scriptures mentioned/ read:

• James 4:7

• 1 Corinthians 12:12-27

• Genesis 2:18

• Matthew 9:18-22

• John 4:1-42 (excerpt read was verses 7-17)

• 1 Peter 4:7-8

You can find on Instagram as @novagarote; you can find Olivier’s music on YouTube, Apple, and Spotify. And you can find Olivier on Instagram as @olivierarnold_

If you would like to share your testimony on Sent Out or support the making of this show, please email sentoutpodcast@gmail.com.

And do share this show with believers and unbelievers you know! You never know which seed we plant will be the one God blooms. It’s available on Substack, Apple, and Spotify, and YouTube (really soon).

Thank you and see you next week!

You may notice the audio wavers at times but please push past it because so many important topics come out in these fiery 80 minutes that it could only be the Holy Spirit. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please consider reaching out to Celebrate Recovery, a global Christian ministry with the tools to help.

Scriptures mentioned/ read:

• Parable of the Sower (Matthew 13:1-23/ Mark 4:1-20/ Luke 8:1-15)

• Luke 1:13-15

• Genesis 3:1-6

• Philippians 4:8-9

• 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Books mentioned:

• God Cures

• Healing Starts with the Sanctification of the Heart

• Unlearn Your Pain

• Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom

You can find Ashley on Instagram as @rootsofradiancewithash

If you too would like to share your testimony on Sent Out or financially support the making of this show, please email sentoutpodcast@gmail.com.

Thank you for your patience and continued support. See you all soon!

This episode will definitely peak your wanderlust but it also covers evangelism, being submitted later in life, staying unique and available, and the journey of going to other religions for answers- only to find Jesus.

Scriptures mentioned/ read:

• Ephesians 2:6-8

• Joel 2:25

• Romans 10:17

• John 14:5-6

You can find Tyke and her travels on Instagram @tyke.fortier while you can find her five (plus!) books on Amazon.

If you’d like to share your testimony on Sent Out or support the making of this show, please email sentoutpodcast@gmail.com.

Thank you for listening all around the world and please keep us in your prayers. See you next week!

As the longest episode and the meatiest, I hope you enjoy all the wisdom and humor this episode has to offer. This episode was shot on cliffs so pay no mind to the gentle sea sounds you hear every now and again throughout.

There is SO much Scripture mentioned that I can’t list it all. However, the most frequent are:

• Matthew 4:1-11

• Psalm 148:5-7

• Daniel

• Exodus 32

• 1 Kings 18:16-46

You can find Enoch on Instagram as @enoch_the_musical_blacksmith and his work throughout the world.

You can find all episodes as audios on Substack, Apple, and Spotify. The videos of Episodes 1-3 will be available on YouTube on July 5.

And if you’d like to share your testimony on Sent Out or support the making of this podcast, please email sentoutpodcast@gmail.com. Thanks for listening and see you next week!

This episode really digs deep into purpose and I hope it reaches you wherever you are. From judgment to really having the heart of Christ to a life of service and sacrifice, there’s so much here that makes the Spanish café backdrop fade away.

The Scriptures read and or mentioned in this episode are:

• Matthew 7:21

• John 5:22

• Matthew 10:13

• John 6:60-71

• Matthew 5:1-13

You can follow Tomás and his work on Instagram @alejobannon. If you’d like to watch Episodes 1-2, they will be available soon on YouTube. And If you’d like to watch this episode now rather than waiting until next week, become a paid subscriber today!

And if you’re interested in sharing your testimony on Sent Out, please email sentoutpodcast@gmail.com and include your country/city. Take care and please share your thoughts!

It was truly such a joy and an honor to interview one of my pastors. She inspires me so much and I hope and pray that this episode encourages men and listeners on submission, family, trusting the Lord, and staying open to what He has for you.

The passage from this week’s episode is Isaiah 55:6-9.

You can find Ibiza Lighthouse Church online via YouTube, Instagram (@ibizalighthousechurch), and their website.

You can find Alanna on Instagram personally (@theibizafamily) or professionally- @cachiruloysusamigos and @ibizaballoonart

And you can watch this episode on YouTube next Wednesday (6/24) unless you’re a paid subscriber 😏 So why wait?

And if you’d like to share your story on Sent Out or support the making of this podcast, please email sentoutpodcast@gmail.com. I hope you enjoyed and see you next week- be blessed!

I almost forgot
You’d been on your best behavior lately
So forgive me
For thinking on what we could
go back to

Running out of time
Running out of time
Running out of time
Running out of time to think you love me

“Yeah I’ll help you out.”
And who was I to say no
when I didn’t have a clue
what was going on
who you were
and what I was supposed to do
in a world and language all completely new

“So you’re really not gonna tell me how old you are?”
And how could I lie
when that’s not in my nature
you’re staring me dead in the eye
and you spoke perfect American English so
what’s the harm in opening up to this
charming Argentine guy

“I got you into a Spanish class.”
And I screamed because you knew
how much I wanted to pass
and make it work here
despite being in a looking glass
and the stress of not understanding
would leave me at last

“The first week you lived here, Juanan caught me staring at you and…” 
You said it was about
My fashion
But I raised an eyebrow and smiled
because I was a dishevelled mess that week
so it could only be
your passion

Runnin’ out of time
Runnin’ out of time
Runnin’ out of time
Runnin’ out of time to help you love me

“Now I feel bad-
I didn’t get you anything for Christmas.”
Don’t worry about it-
Love is patient
And my ability to suprise people well
Is ancient

“Please don’t cry over me.”
Well it’s a little late for that but
Love is kind
So I let it go since our inseparability-
despite it all-
Had me blind

“Can I come?”
I was surprised but
Sure, come shopping with me
Love does not envy so
if you break my heart and mend it-
all in the same week-
maybe all hope hasn’t ended

“I never told you this but I love it when you contrast the sky.”
Don’t get sweet
When I’ve been waiting
To be swept off my feet
Love does not boast but
We’re finally on the same page
Which could be a trick but
I pray it’s a treat

Runnin out of time
Runnin out of time
Runnin out of time
Runnin out of time to feel you love me

“You’re so dumb.”
Where is this coming from
When I forgive you so much that I’m numb
support you at the snap of a thumb
and encourage you instead of
calling you a bum?

“You’re so stupid.”
The same way Misa was to Light
Jim was to Pam
and Mikasa was to Eren
all because of Cupid

“You’re a bitch.”
Even though I handmade your hat in a day
to cover the bad haircut stitch after stitch
Only heard the good in your music
as you pointed out glitch after glitch
And stood by what we could be
despite hitch after hitch

“Pushing 40 trynna get into school after failing it 89 times”
Rounding doesn’t work that way
But even if it did
that puts me one chunk of time closer
to fulfilling the call that
God chose regardless of when I slid

Runn in out of
time
Runni out of tim
Run ou o f ti
Runnin out of time to see you love me

“I always wanted her.”
Love bears all things.

“Are you jealous?”
Love believes all things!

“You always make everything into a discussion.”
Love hopes all things…

“That’s why I don’t hang out with church people. They’re all the same.”
Love endures all things?

Livin in pretend
Keep it a buck 50
Are you livin in pretend?
Are you-

“Don’t cry here because everyone will think it’s because of me.”

“I don’t have a girl.”

“Where were you all day?”

“How was the vacation? Rocio told me.”

“Oh I can bet on God, not you.”

“It’s a lot faster when you two aren’t flirting the entire time.” 

“We just live together.”

“We’re friends by circumstance.”

I almost forgot
The hell that was
the mask coming off
But now I remember
You’ve been on your best behavior lately
Because that’s what you do best
You hate that I know
And love that they don’t
And since you pretended then
You’re liable to do it again

I gave it to God
And that’s how I can
stay sane
but still forgive me
that I didn’t remember sooner
and for letting you too think
on what I refuse
to go back to

You need to tell him how you feel.

The only way you will know is in time.

Be proud of your feelings.

You sound like Samson, and he’s Delilah.

It sounds like he doesn’t deserve you.

You two make such a beautiful couple.

Wait- is he Spanish?

I know you said he’s toxic but how toxic?

How’s the ex??

He looks like trouble.

What else is there to say? He’s said everything.

Your life needs you.

Every audio is free and can be found on Substack, Apple, and Spotify each Wednesday. But if you’d like to watch the podcast, you can either wait for the episode to air on YouTube the following week or become a paid subscriber (€7/mo) right here on Substack. And that comes with some bonus content too! I do this full-time for now without a crew or proper equipment so any support goes a long way.

I hope you all enjoy and I can’t wait to bring you on this journey! These interviews are in Ibiza to start but prayerfully, I’ll be coming to a city near you one day soon. Although if you’re willing to be sent out, then by all means. Let’s find a way to get you to Ibiza to be on the show.

And if this show isn’t for you, don’t worry- there are many more projects and poems to come. Be well!

Scripture mentioned:

• Revelation 12:11

• Luke 10:1-2

• Hebrews 11:1

• Luke 18:22-30

• Matthew 17:16-21

YouTube and Instagram: @sentoutpodcast

Contact: sentoutpodcast@gmail.com

Ibiza isn’t what people think it is, and I believe this is the point.

You think it’s all parties, clubbing, getting drunk or high, zooming around on boats and yachts, and being immersed in luxury and beauty. What you don’t think of is earnest work, modest wages, and thousands of people that come together through their various livelihoods to make Ibiza happen. But that’s what it is.

If you’ve ever seen Gilmore Girls, you overtime feel like you belong in the quaint small town of Stars Hollow despite it being fictional. There’s a grocery man, a dance teacher, small business owners, families that have been there for generations, and countless quirky oddities that only make sense for THAT town. Ibiza is the same, and here’s how.

.

Everyone has a thing

Again, because of the culture of the island, it’s a hot spot not only for Spain but all of Europe AND the globe. So whatever is your thing becomes a part of the island. Your salon, your dance academy, your music, your restaurant, your clothing company, and even your home goods. So normal IS being quirky, authentic, and expressive.

My immediate friends are in real estate, teaching, sunglasses, stickers, music and producing, chartering, and tea to name a few. Did I know my art and design would fit right in? No but it somehow did and still does.

.

It’s extremely multicultural

This is the part of Gilmore Girls that Ibiza got right when the show got it wrong. Literally the entire cast (and town) of Gilmore Girls is white with the exception of Lane and Michel. And while the island is predominately fair-skinned, very few are actually from Ibiza. A decent amount are Spanish- just from cities on the mainland- but the vast majority of us are foreigners. The highest amounts come from the UK, France, Germany, Italy, Morocco, Argentina, and Colombia.

If you’re not from one of these seven places, then you’re even cooler in the island’s eyes because you “made it” such a long way from your former home. So it’s refreshing to know some Americans as an American without feeling like I’m in America Pt II. If anything, it makes my nationality (and race) distinctly tied to me and feel special rather than status quo.

.

There is always a festival

This aspect was the first thing that made me say, “Wait am I in Stars Hollow? What the heck?” Literally there is always a festival or fiesta. From the Christmas Market to San Jordi’s Annual Book Fair to the parades to the local celebrations in each village, there is ALWAYS a reason to celebrate and come together.

It is a bit annoying but! It does give you something to do and an opportunity to make memories. At least that’s the angle the group home uses on me to get free art for everything.

.

We do all talk fast

I don’t know how or why but since almost all of us speak Spanish a lot is happening at once in one space through a single language. Greeting, making plans, confrontations, invitations, and reparations. Why? Because we’re always on the go and we all need each other. You never know what will happen next on the island or in Spain as a country.

I was clueless to this- and Spanish- the first six months of living here (due to me living in the airport). But once I got out and moved into a group home, the island came alive. Aaaand all the various Spanish accents (which is how I went zero to intermediate in six months). It was overwhelming for my former Rapunzel self but now I’m grateful for it and the patience people showed me while I was an adult toddler.

.

You can’t find the people anywhere else

Although Stars Hollow had its visitors, its people made the show. And that’s the same here. Everyone has a story, everyone has a dream, and everyone has a life that they’ve built, shifted, and tweaked year to year to survive out here. I would say most people have had at least two careers or sources of income to manage the high season (aka summer) and withstand the low season (winter/ November-April). If not, they are considered extremely fortunate and the right kind of stubborn (maybe). I didn’t know this at first when I came last May but now I understand.

So we all “know a guy” for everything because it’s an island of extremely versatile, savvy people. Like Stars Hollow, everyone sort of is a main character in their own right because they’re so distinctly them and so unlike anyone else. Only they could have the makeup that makes them them.

.

Everyone is on a first name basis

This is the part that really astonished me b it essentially because only 200,000 or so people live here, everyone knows each other. Whether it’s as a neighbor, a colleague, a family member, a churchgoer, or a client, we’re all about two to three degrees of separation from each other IF not directly in each other’s group. That keeps it calm and interesting WHILE people come and go in the summer and fall for various reasons. So the island comes alive in the summer and then by mid fall, people catch their breath and see each other at the market, each other’s restaurants and coffee shops, businesses, and more. It’s quite cute in that way. Maybe community hasn’t died after all.

.

No day (or moment) is boring

For these reasons, you can live a thousands days here and no two are truly the same. You never know who will move onto your street, who will come into your ur shop, or who you’ll bump into on your way to work or the gym. It’s really bizarre yet exciting in a way because old and new regenerate day after day so it’s not truly dull or boring.

It’s extremely peaceful here because of the beauty and holiness yet exciting because of the people, the culture, and the nightlife. Out of everywhere I’ve lived, I’d say you had to seek those things or do tourist attractions to experience said city whereas here you just feel it. It has a certain aura that suspends time and replaces it with this feeling of possibility and open-endedness.

.

The island can chew you up and spit you back out

The island isn’t for everyone but visiting and staying are two very different things. It’s a long story but because of the cost of living in Ibiza compared to the low wages in Spain combined with the island running on seasonal tourism, it’s genuinely a gauntlet to be here year in and year out. That plus the immigration laws and Spain’s commitment to bureaucracy make living in Ibiza unnecessarily complicated at the start. But patience and faith in the Lord have kept me sane while the island’s stability comes and goes in waves.

To me? No pasa nada because I survived London, New York, Baltimore, Boston, and and my parents’ ugly divorce. This is no different. Maybe it’s being from Atlanta or maybe it’s all Christ but this crazy is relatively calm for me. And nothing really scares me even though the sticker shock of Ibiza life gets everyone else. I don’t really find it expensive, insane, or unreasonably high. It is the blessing and the curse of knowing what else is out there. So while I empathize with the islanders, I believe everything balances itself in the end. Everyone isn’t MEANT to live here for decades. A beginning, middle, and end are not only allowed but they’re necessary natural things that apply to everything. Ibiza included.

.

There is nothing like it

Because of all these reasons, I think we all treasure the specialness of the island that much more. The perfect blue waters, the rugged cliffs, the gentle sea breeze throughout the day, the gorgeous light the fills all the rooms and windows, the roosters running around in the day and crooning at the end of night. Yes, it is a fight to be here but I believe that’s the island’s way of making it clear who she wants to stay and who she wants to go. While people can be entitled here, I sort of like the do or die vibe only because it levels the playing field. Either it works out here or it doesn’t, and either you stay long enough to weather both ends or you accept that it’s done.

It’s like currents and I’m learning to lean into it rather than fight it or control it. Something that feels a lot like… life.

You get the best of it and worst of it here, and that makes Ibiza all the more fun and addicting. Care to join us?

Ok so this is not a poem but rather an announcement- or an unveiling rather of what else gets my time.

Most people always knew what they wanted to be when they grew up. A teacher, a lawyer, a doctor, a nurse, a veterinarian, a musician, singer, etc. And they may not all get it exact but they usually come close before their time is up. I was not that child as I had a different answer every calendar year of my life. But I did have an answer that lasted for a while (from age 5-about 10), and that answer was artist.

I had the most vivid dream one night at five years old, where I was a beautiful, confident, and happy adult and I was in a gallery/ studio. The thing is said gallery was full of my work- drawings, paintings, and maybe even some sculptures and photographs everywhere in this bright sunlit-filled room. And these were professionally done, not exclusively five year old me’s work (although that was mixed in too). It was sepia tint without being so, kinda like the glow they put on scenes in TV shows and movies when it’s a flashback or a dream of a character. You couldn’t see the walls really, you could just see art in every direction you turned. And then a Black woman came into the studio and she lit up when she saw me. And then little me, watching the dream, was excited that she came in for me. She didn’t know what she wanted to buy but she knew she wanted my work specifically. And she was happy to be there and so was I- both me the adult and me the child.

It was so real that from that day on I started telling people that I wanted to be an artist, and I just so happened to be good at it, and the rest is history.

Now as a friend pointed out this year, I never stopped being an artist because an artist is who you are, not what you do. And that’s fair. But! I stopped in my book.

I stopped buying sketchbooks.

I lost the completed ones and gave away the blank ones.

I got rid of my rulers.

I gave all my paints away.

And pencils and palette knives.

I unsubscribed from all deals and opportunities.

I stopped talking about it.

I planned to do something else with my life.

And then I moved on.

I grieved it yes but then I was fine. Art was ready to die and I suddenly was more than ready to kill it.

So what happened?

Where did five year old me go?

She didn’t die, she just got outnumbered honestly.

I was good enough for one of the best art schools in the United States but not enough for the best.

I was solid enough to make good grades but not enough to be a standout in the eyes of my peers and professors.

I was fulfilled enough to do for a number of days to finish out the degree but not enough to do it for the rest of my life exclusively.

And I was self-aware enough to know I didn’t love it anymore and having to survive off of it would only make things worse. Yet I wasn’t mature enough to believe things could change and so would I.

I vividly remember being 22 years, being freshly re-saved, knowing I was weeks away from graduating college, and realising, “Yeah this is it for me and art. I’ll finish this degree and then I’m done. God graced the dream for this, not for forever and that’s ok. I’m blessed I got to do it all so if it’s not the career, I’m ok with that.” I was a little sad but that was the end of it. I had peace so that was enough for me.

But as God often says to me: that was then, and this is now.

I cry about it a bit as I write this just because I wonder what would’ve happened if. If I had had loving parents, would they have been alarmed that the thing I did for decades I just…woke up one day and stopped doing? Would they have talked 22 year old me out of it rather than be not-so-subtly-relieved that I would be one step closer to getting a “real job?” They were actually angry because I should’ve thought of that before the degree. If my university had believed in me as a drawer and a painter rather than just a photographer, would I have stopped? Or did I have to be ill-fated and mediocre to them the same way student Andy Warhol was all those decades prior? What if the world let young people not only pursue art but didn’t force them to compete through their talents to decide who should and shouldn’t be a “real artist”? And what if artists- regardless of whether the world says they’re good enough- could make an honest living no matter the medium, rather than be a creative AND still go do something else because that’s what pays the bills and keeps a roof over their head even though they hate it?

Was all that training and pursuit worth it when it caused me to not only stop making art but to fall out of love with it altogether?

The death that that is.

The devastation that that is.

The insanity that that is.

To think I really gave no further thought to whether I ever would or could “make it” as an artist because I, my college, my parents, and even the world all seemed to be on the same page about it is maddening. The collusion of growing up is really something else.

The world almost lost me and I let it happen. Despite going to art school. Despite countless nights in studio. Despite that being my life’s work for a good 22 years. Despite that not so secretly being my grandmother’s dream for me. And despite me wanting it off and on fit a number of years. The desire left me but the talent never did. And so here I am.

Now to be fair, God used life to drop a looooot of hints this year so let me give credit where credit is due. Because I didn’t ever wake up and say, “This is it! I’m gonna be an artist again! And this time for real- to heck with law school.” No, I still very much want to be a successful criminal lawyer in London and I would much rather be doing that right now. But! Instead, I got trapped in Spain and in the run up to that, before I left London, certain people came into my life and said things like:

“I can’t believe you’re not an artist. I just really thought you were hmmm. You have the look.”

“I would’ve never thought you weren’t an artist!”

“You still make art, right? You totally should!”

“If we put together an art show, would you do it?”

And my favorite: “People would love your art here. You just need to go put yourself out there and go for it.”

Now I look back at it all coming full circle and I’m very grateful for Spain. For had I never moved to Spain, I would’ve never explored this side door of “what if.” All those interactions planted seeds and each seed made me realize not only did I love art again, but I wanted to create. And I didn’t just want to create. I needed to.

Have you ever felt that? That a piece of you died and you have a chance to revive it but better than before? That you can just forget everything that went wrong, be a little crazy, and pick up where you left off? Because I have. And so I did.

Or at least I’m trying to. One canvas at a time, one print at a time, and one line at a time.

Yes, God did have to use the Spaniards to kick me into gear about being a professional artist. And my life is still really insane, which is slowing me down in terms of creating and then selling anything. But it is happening and I am trying.

And so deep down, I am happy. About this at least.

Even if it’s hard,
and takes another twist
and turn, I don’t care
what they say
because I know I obeyed.

Move rinse repeat
Start rinse repeat
Build rinse repeat
That’s how it’s meant to go

No I can’t stay
No there’s not another way
No I actually don’t get a say
That’s how it has to go

For if I do,
what about their city?
Their needs, their lives,
their time here on earth?
Their world matters to God too, you know

And then I think:
what about their minds?
Their spirits, their bodies,
their ways, their thoughts?
Their hearts matter to God too, you know

I probably could be
your girlfriend if
your best friend if
your ride or die wife if
I wasn’t always so loyal to another

And no that doesn’t mean
you have to compete
you have to fight to beat
you have to escape defeat
It was already decided
the moment I chose faithfulness to
the One who is like no other

That’s what they don’t ever understand
No job, no opportunity or offer
No man, no woman- whether friend or scoffer
Can come between me and the call

No love, no hate
No like or dislike
No last chance or limited time only
for ‘if you do we’ll give you
the house, the car, the title, and the money
if you make us your only’
because nothing in this world
is truly allowed to
come between me and the call

Believe me I’ve tried
To hold on with all my might
To cry with all my might
To beg for any other way with all my might
And it didn’t work

You can pray against the change
Fight to ignore the whispers around you
And make up in your mind
how it’s going to go
and so now it’s settled but
I’ve got news for you:
it won’t work

And you should be very afraid if it did.

For if it did,
God isn’t sovereign,
His way isn’t supreme,
and His hand is now too short.
It just comes down to
a man begging enough,
a woman praying enough,
a child screaming enough,
a witch manipulating enough,
a warlock hexing enough,
a leader controlling enough,
a pastor leveraging enough,
and a ministry fasting enough
to make God stop being Himself
and remix the universe all over you

I never say it but
inside I think:
is that you?
You-
one human being
one jar of clay
one would-be holy vessel-
who has the power to stop
and interrupt all that Yah outlaid
before the beginning of time
before the start of your life
and after its end
and after the world’s end?
You will be the one,
the first in human history,
to outsmart God?
Because you said so
Because you disagree
Because you got your degree
and your accolades
and you know everything 
And you disapprove
since we all have free will
and “He can’t make me”
That’s the bottom line, right?

Ask Moses, ask Pharoah
Ask Peter, ask Paul
Many are the plans in a person’s heart
But only His purpose prevails over it all

Ask Hannah, ask Mary,
Ask Elizabeth, ask Ruth
The least of all will become a thousand
the smallest a might nation
and in its time, He will do it swiftly-
that’s still the truth

Enough with follow your heart
Enough with do you and live your truth
Because that’s not enough
And enough with Amos 9:13
And enough with Ephesians 3:20
Because we don’t surrender enough

How can you fill a jar that’s full?
How can you move a tree that won’t uproot?
How can you ever bloom a seed that won’t bury?
You can’t
Yet you want heaven on earth,
all dreams to come true, and
butterflies and rainbows in every
season of your life and no one else’s
knowing it doesn’t work that way

If time and chance
happen to us all, 
yet there is a season
and a time for
every purpose under the heaven,
maybe He meant what He said
in Matthew and Galatians
to beware who’s around us
and what we take in
because it doesn’t take much yeast
to ruin something good and turn
it into naught, all thanks to leaven

Please don’t be my leaven
Please don’t be selfish
For I did what I came to do-
maybe sometimes too much
maybe sometimes too little-
and that’s all there is to do
so once it’s done, that’s it

Move rinse repeat
Start rinse repeat
Build rinse repeat
That’s how it’s meant to go

No I can’t stay
No there’s not another way
No I actually don’t get a say
That’s how it has to go

Because He is the Way
so He’ll make a way
He has the final say
so I don’t worry day to day
And He’ll part the seas
no matter what I face
because I walk by faith and not by sight
just to remain in His space

He tends to do that if
nothing comes between you and the call
The road just gets narrower and narrower
while the peace and the submission
goes higher and higher

But that’s also where
the miracles are
the signs are
and the wonders are
Where the exceedingly
and abundantly more
than anything you could
ever ask, think, or imagine are
Where the things that
eyes haven’t seen
ears haven’t heard
nor has entered into
the heart of man are,
for those who truly love Him

So yes I’ll
let you go
let him go
let her go
let them go
let that season go
let that plan go
let that provision go
let that roof go
let that team go
let that family go
let that idea go
let that timing go
let that pride go
let that control go
let that insecurity go
let their approval go
For what choice do I have?

Another year of faith is another year well spent, I always say.

That’s how I have to see it
because I did count the cost
but it didn’t look like this
at the start
back then it was always
pretty and fun and
butterflies and rainbows
it was the joy of salvation only
the summer of our lives only
the beauty of youth only

But now
the cost keeps changing
due to fees and healing
unexplained screwballs
unexpected wrenches
undesired outcomes
and unasked for questions
with elongated mystery answers
that I don’t understand now
but one day I will

So now it’s also
the pain of transforming too
the winter of our lives too
the weathering of time too
so forgive me if I’m tired
and I won’t fight Christ on
much these days,
all because you told me to

For that’s not the mark
of maturity and love
I’ll just do it and get over it
Nod and get over it
Maybe cry to help get over it
But ultimately I will
because nevertheless
not my will but His

So even if 
it’s hard,
and takes
another twist
and turn,
I don’t care
what they say
because I know
I obeyed.

If you enjoyed what you read and you would like to support me and my poetry, independent journalism, and upcoming projects even more, consider being a paid subscriber (£7/mo) or Buying Me A Coffee. Because I’m always hungry for truth, authenticity, and a good croissant of course. Thank you so much and see you soon!

“What’s your name?”
“Ooooh that’s different! I like it.
And what do you do?”
“Oh?”

“I’ve never heard that before! How
did you get into that?”
“And where are you from?”
“Yeah but what part?”
“And where is that exactly?”
“But the weather’s so much better
there- why would you leave?”

Hello. You’ve missed a recent bill payment-
so we’ve added a late fee to your account.
You’ll see this on your next bill.

“Do you have family out here?”
“You’re alone?”
“Why?”
“That’s so crazy, especially as
a young woman. You don’t
get scared?”
And you don’t get lonely?
I know I would be.”

“Really? NO family?”
“Are they… dead?”
“Then what happened?”
“But don’t you think they would love to
hear from you? I just can’t imagine
going through all this and my family
not knowing… why don’t you call them?”
“Maybe they’ve changed! This could
be how God restores you, you know?”

livin so good livin so good livin so good

“No husband?”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“Well do you want one?”
“Ok so why don’t you date?”
“There’s so many hot guys here though-
are you on dating apps?”
“I just don’t understand how you
of all people are single! I wish my
son/grandson/brother would be with
a girl like you… actually,
do you mind?”

“So what exactly is it that you do?”
“Oooh what kind of business?”
“Oh that’s nice… and that works for you?”
“Mmm well have you ever tried this? 
That’s where all the money is anyway.”
“Honestly if I were you, I’d switch to
this and never look back- you’re young, 
you’re smart, and that’s what everyone 
else is doing anyway. Actually,
I know someone in that and I can 
put you in touch, yeah?”
“Awww ok, are you sure?”

You’ve now reached 80% of your spending limit
on calls, texts, or data outside of your plan.
Please note, once you hit your limit, you won’t
be able to make calls (except to emergency services),
send texts or use data.

“No husband AND no kids?”
“Oh honey you’re living the dream, ok?”
“Honestly? Don’t do it- don’t slow down
for a man and some babies. Trust me, ok?”
“Really? They’re just SO expensive, though, and
don’t get me wrong I love my kids but…
if I could go back, knowing what I know now,
that would be the last thing
on my mind, you know?”
“That many? Why?
“Well you better get started!
You know that right?”
“I hope you’re planning to
be rich if that’s true?”
“And do you think you can be a
good mother to four kids?”

“Oh there’s no way you’ll have
that career then- you know that right?”
“No more travel- you know that right?”
“No more free time- you know that right?”
“Cause that’s a lot… maybe if you just
have one or two. Are you sure?”

won’t remember no pain, I swear

“And how old are you again?”
“WHAT?? You look so much younger.”
“Oh there’s nothing we can do then-
we can do more if you have an emergency but
since you’re not a citizen or on a visa, then…
It’s hard enough here, taking care of
our own people, you know? We can always
send you back to America, though?”

“Why don’t you just work?”
“You have to be good at something?”
“So what was the plan?”
“And so now you’ll just… stay like this?”
“Why would you leave New York?”
“Why would you leave Atlanta?”
“Why would you stop living with family
when you don’t have to?”
“I want to help you but you
have to be honest with me, ok?”

Unfortunately, payment for your bill is
still overdue. Please take immediate action
and log into your account online or call us
for free to understand your options, or to
pay by debit or credit card.

“I just think it’s time to
be practical. You know?”
“You’ve been saying that
for years, you know?”
“Yeah whatever happened with that?”
“You know it’s not too late to
go back, you know?”
“Because this is a lot
and it’s not exactly working out-
you know?”

“I just… don’t understand you?”
“You really came out here
with no job, no money,
no family, and no one you know
but you’re going to stay?”
“How can you have so much faith?”
“How can you be so calm?”
“How can you be so positive?”
“How do you survive?”

before that you figured out that I was just a normal girl

“Don’t you need investors to do that?”
“Don't you need a degree to do that?”
“Don’t you need a visa to do that?”
“Don’t you need a team to do that?”
“You’re always up to something,
I’ll give you that! But that’s just
so hard to do here and it’ll take years
to do that and I mean… you just
got out here and it doesn’t work like that.
So why don’t you do something smaller…
like this?”

“I mean I get it but are you sure?”
“Is that what you really want?”
“Is it really worth all this?”
“And do you really believe that?”

Just to let you know, rather than
terminating your service, we’ll be
moving you to Pay as you go.

“Well let me know if there’s
anything I can do, ok?”
“And let me know if 
anything changes and how
it all works out, yeah?
Because I’m so worried
and I would be so stressed
if I were you but
you seem ok? Considering.”

“What are you going to do?”
“Where are you going to go?”
“And what is God saying to you now?”
“You know this is crazy, right?”
“Do you have WhatsApp or Instagram?
“Cause I’ve never met anyone
like you before- that’s for sure.”

what do you say now?

quit on the world cause it ain’t goin your way now?

quit on yourself cause you can’t figure your way out?

how do you be?

As a mystery aficionado, I can truly say that the assassination and subsequent criminal investigation regarding Charlie Kirk is easily one of the most absurd things to take place in modern time. Apparently, we now stand on chairs where the victim was just murdered, pave over crime scenes first and ask questions later, save SD cards like they’re a person, and yet only have camera footage in 480p. We don’t use top dollar security to man the roofs of venues of public places, we deliberately take the victim to an ill-equipped out-of-the-way hospital, and we have very little to say about the investigation and the truth of what really happened. But we have everything to say about a man, his legacy, and what should happen next with his company. And the majority of the key players on that fateful day- hospital staff, police force, and the FBI team that was sent in to investigate from Connecticut and not Utah- are new to the job. How odd.

And as an international criminal lawyer-in-training, I can truly say: not all evidence is proof. And this is where the online sleuths, cracked conspiracy theorists, anti-Semites, and Standaces will fight me but I said what I said. MANY things can be a plausible reason and backstory as to why someone did what they did, said what they said, was at where they were at, or something popped off the way it did even though it seemed like or appeared like it fits your narrative and yours only. For example, if a kid misses school every now and again, no one cares. But if this kid is missing school repeatedly and consistently, we do care (or at least should). In today’s world, though, the masses will decide that because Marjorie saw this kid get grabbed by his mom one time at school pickup and it was quite aggressive and forceful, Windell used to see said woman at Alcoholics Anonymous years back albeit inconsistently, and Tanisha has seen not-so-normal marks and bruises on the boy when he comes over to shoot basketball with her son, then it must be true that said boy is being abused by his alcoholic mother and that’s why he’s missing school. They will then call CPS on this woman, and when the case comes out clean, they’ll say it’s ludicrous and then proceed to witch-hunt said woman because there’s no way they’re not right and they’re not going to let her get away with this #justiceforsaidboy. But I implore the world both here in this example and out in real life: check your resources because you don’t know if and what you’re saying is really true.

It’s all speculation spilling off of observations, and that is then being turned into assumptions. And treating that as fact doesn’t make it so. As tempting as it is to write off said mother, she can be an alcoholic and not be the reason behind the bruises. She can lose her temper the same way you sometimes do without it meaning that she doesn’t love her child or is an unfit parent. And the boy may have reason to protect someone you have no clue about for reasons you know nothing about, and that’s why he’s missing school and lying about why. It could even be unrelated, the poor school attendance and the violence- let’s be real. Would he ever admit in today’s culture that it’s his girlfriend that’s hitting him? Could it be the messy personal life of the older sibling that has this boy missing school so much since that’s his only ride? Can he afford to rat out his wicked soon-to-be stepfather if the man is terrible to him yet instrumental in the mother’s re-found sobriety? We truly do not know until it’s proven. So I say all of that to say I am not here to confirm or deny the wildness online, let alone add to it. I’m actually just here to clarify, cut through the noise, and provide a plausible theory based on already provided facts that no one seems to be talking about. Nothing more, nothing less and y’all are not about to sue me. So let’s get into it.

The Core of It

As controversial as Charlie was, he had more than one enemy. He was an equal opportunist in ruffling feathers after all. He offended the left, the queer community, Black people, billionaires clearly, more traditional Republicans, employees within Turning Point USA I’m sure, and as of late, Israel. What we’re not considering is means AND motive; a killer has to have both. To this day- Oct. 16, 2025- there is no motive really established for Tyler Robinson. He was presumably offended by Charlie’s words and threw his life away for… vibes. Because that makes sense.

More importantly, the genuine “evidence” doesn’t make sense. And I truly believe that’s because it’s not supposed to. Homie really doesn’t have the means to pull off the level of collusion it would take for a university he doesn’t attend, Turning Point staff, a well paid security team, the FBI, AND Utah police to all say “yes, I want in. I thought you’d never ask.” This boy either had unbelievable levels of help or that is all so impossible that the lone wolf narrative needs to go and never come back. If I’m investigating this, I’m not exclusively betting the farm on a 22-year-old that was present at the scene but doesn’t have motive or means and was living a relatively normal life. I’m going to look at everything, and in particular the facts.

And the facts are the most controversial things Charlie Kirk was most up in arms about in the final weeks of his life are all potential reasons that could get one killed through professional help: Israel’s decisions, the pending release of the Epstein Files, and censorship/ the attack on free speech. Honorable mention is the financial oddities happening within Turning Point USA.

Why suspect Israel? Because they need all the good PR they can get and cannot afford to lose top “support” right now (aka the longstanding Zionist ties and moolah brought in by the United States). Charlie was that guy for them for years and suddenly he didn’t want to be.

Why the Epstein Crew? Because they will protect these doggone files like their lives depend on it since I guess it does. It is clearly very deep to the very-much-alive names that are eliminating pieces off the board and consistently pressuring those who either know too much or get too close. They want their business to stay hidden by any means necessary, the very opposite of what Charlie wanted.

Why Republican fascists? Because they’re the only ones that are that visible, that powerful, and that openly pressed about free speech in America. They want to control the public and the narrative surrounding this administration and have made that increasingly clear in 2025. A young, popular all-American white man that will stand on business for his principles and not theirs tends to be bad for business. Especially since censoring American comedians and universities in 2025 is the start of the to-do list, not the end. They have big plans for the party and America and I’m not sure Charlie still fit into them.

Why Democrats? Honestly I’m just throwing them in to be fair and funny, since they do technically have the means and motive to take someone out that can successfully galvanize the American youth vote against them. But it’s a reach, let’s be honest. They have their hands full with the whole trying-to-turn-the-US-government-back-on thing (in effect since Oct. 1, 2025 and Charlie died Sept. 10, 2025 respectively) and rightfully so. And I don’t suspect them for other reasons I’ll get into later on.

And why Turning Point USA? Because more than likely, none of this could go down without a man on the inside. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that this is actually about power or money, if not both. Those are still two of the biggest motivators for crime of all time. It didn’t take Iago much in Othello, or Bernie Madoff for that matter. Charlie Kirk was worth $12 million at the point of his death while Turning Point USA is worth $389 million. Just so you know.

Bonus people of interest are the very charitable top donors of Turning Point USA and US Government Agencies (such as the lovely FBI centering themselves in all this). Why these two? Because giving large amounts of money does make some a stakeholder that’s allowed to have something to say and not all stakeholders are treated equally. Some become shareholders, which does give them a legitimate say in the operations of a company. And the US Government is in the mix because it’s the US Government! They actually have been known to kill- or deliberately fail to save- prolific people in politics for a variety of reasons. See Fred Hampton, JFK, and Malcolm X.

So where we should actually be looking, if I’m investigating of course, is:

1. the full donor history of Turning Point USA, in particular the past five years

2. the employee list of Turning Point USA, in particular the executive suite and the financial team

3. the personal and political inner circles of Charlie Kirk

4. the Epstein Files and its surrounding press

5. interpersonal communications of Charlie Kirk

6. the exchanges between Israel and Charlie Kirk

7. the inner workings of the Republican Party and how Charlie Kirk fit into it

8. the relationship between Charlie Kirk and the Democratic Party

9. the overlap amidst it all

And then we’ll see what’s really going on. I believe what happened that day is just as important as everything that was taking place leading up to it. No one gets murdered in a vacuum.

The Proper Investigation That Never Was

And see now you’re invested. Because THAT is how you really catch a killer and unravel a conspiracy, not through soliciting local Mormon gays to be patsies, making convenient false arrests, and releasing contrived text messages that sound like they’re out of the 60’s and not the mouths of Gen Z babes. So let’s really do what should have been done from the start.

Many of you will say it’s Tyler Robinson case closed. And many more of you will say it’s so clearly Israel, look at all the mess they’ve made. To both I say: being dumb and and messy doesn’t make you a killer or criminal mastermind. It just makes you dumb and messy. And if the evidence isn’t proving anything substantial and raises more questions than it’s solving, then that is the answer: it’s the wrong guy, and at this point, they’re doing it on purpose.

So over the rest of this month (and probably the fall), I will weekly outlay evidence and good sense that looks into ALL seven core groups above because ALL seven need to be investigated fairly and authentically. Not just Israel. Because at this point, all bets are off and there’s one person in particular that’s become a common denominator of sorts in multiple groups, giving him the most motive of all. I won’t say anything I can’t prove yet but I’ll leave with this: Charlie Kirk did fear the wrong ‘they’ because it mathematically took way more American hands than Israeli to orchestrate this deep and widespread of a cover-up. Unless someone can prove that every single person working that wretched event on that fateful day in Utah is Jewish, was directly brought over from Israel, or was paid off by Israel, then this was a team effort that a lot of them did willingly.

Even if it does turn out to be Israel and I really am boo boo the fool, we should actually be outraged that a foreign nation that America has historically bankrolled has the gall to be murdering a citizen that doesn’t want to be their friend anymore. So for the sake of international relations and pushing World War III off a little longer, we do need a proper, clean, and objective investigation into all this. And as much as I love Candace Owens and respect her hard work, she is not objective. She was a close friend to the victim, she is an out and proud Republican (and famed for it), a long-time Trump supporter, is doing all of this publicly alone while raising four kids under four, and has a top-down approach where she will fall down every single rabbit hole in the world of Wonderland in the name of fairness and thoroughness.

Let me let you know: I don’t have time for any of that. I’m in law school, I’m in my prime, I’m an Independent, I don’t have a spouse or kids, I don’t have family, fame, or wealth to fall back on, and I live a modest life as a believer. I’m in this for the love of truth and justice. I’ll do it for free and I’ll do it for a salary- I’m committed either way.

But most importantly, I really grapple with whether I’m proud to be an American. Nationalism is very, very high abroad so the expectation is you will be a spokesperson for your country of origin all seven days of the week and you will stand behind their economic decisions, political decisions, and social decisions through thick and thin when you literally don’t even live there anymore. What the other 194 countries don’t seem to understand is America is not what it seems. That’s how someone like Charlie Kirk can build a very simple yet successful company from scratch with no college education, gain political stardom and notoriety without a public office or title, overcome his outsider status and be “one of the boys,” and have a very beautiful wife and two kids all by 30 years old despite being no Paul Walker. And yet STILL gets murdered in broad daylight at 31 and no one wants to be bothered to properly investigate it.

All that hype makes him worthy of a sold-out 90,000+ person impromptu stadium memorial but not of genuine allies and patriots that will do their jobs honestly and earnestly without compromise or matching political affiliation. And that is being an American, regularly sitting in the gap of the reality that is these people do not care about you. Ever. So long as that sun still shines where it should and shouldn’t, they do not care about you! That’s also where Charlie got it twisted. No degree, beautiful spouse, generational wealth, hand-built net worth, decades of hard work, lucrative friend group, and years of being a solid law-abiding citizen will be enough in the end unless you plan to sell your soul. You can still get shot for no reason. You can still get wrongfully terminated. You will still not make what your white male colleagues make. You will do everything right and still fight to make ends meet. You will still be a breath away from living with roommates and family members in your late 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s if you aren’t already with them in the first place. You will still have to spend tomorrow’s savings to survive today. You will still spend the rest of your life paying medical debt, student debt, or inherited debt (bet y’all didn’t know about that last one) over something that happened ions ago. And you can still be chilling one day and then catapulted to stardom the next because now you too are forced to seek justice for your slain friend, child, spouse, parent, or sibling. That’s the most American fate of all these days.

The other 194 countries don’t seem to get that there’s a plaguing gap. An everpresent, ever-widening berth between the America we were taught and what we actually got. The America we were seemingly promised and the America we have to show up to day in and day out. The America we contribute endlessly to all the while knowing we are one wrong-place-wrong-time encounter away from our blood too watering the soil. The America I will have to wear a Scarlet Letter A over for the rest of my life (and maybe you too if you’re a citizen who leaves) because it’s clear that I’m “not from here” so I need to explain myself since I am not working to assimilate further. I have to tell my life story essentially everyday because I have the audacity to love my voice after years of hating it and thus I refuse to lose my accent in order to fully fit into my current world.

So yes- while I walk the insanely polarizing tightrope that is being a Black female American not living in America, which is supposed to be distinctly reserved for wealthy white people- I am going to halfway find the time to investigate the things that shape my former country and keep a permanent thorn in my side as I build a life on the outside. I am appreciative of all that Candace Owens has done and worked to uncover, but my fear is she will burn herself into the ground exerting SO much energy over every single lead, every single video, every single social media account, and getting caught up in the apparent soap operas that are The Days of Our Mormon Lives and The Young and the Billionaire Restless. And when she wears herself out or it gets too dangerous for her to continue, then what? Everyone wave bye-bye to justice.

A Call to Meaningful Action

Either we get serious about the truth BEFORE they throw the book at Tyler Robinson or we’ll never really know, let alone see justice play out amongst the courts. And the sustained international interest in this case makes me think that the true “they” are desperately hoping to put this away and to bed as soon as possible. But I kinda want to spoil it for them? I want to see us catch the bad guys for once and stick it to them for that exact reason. Charlie’s an official martyr but a lot of people are unofficially. Thousands die on American soil every year under suspicious circumstances and nobody cares. The truth will probably never see the light of day and that’s awful. So is it fair that we’ll do aaaaall of this over this famous conservative white guy we’ll never know? No, probably not. But would we want someone to do it for us if we draw the proverbial short end of the stick of life? Yes. Yes we would.

So either Israel has quite the payroll and free time to play around with abroad or they’re being set up too. Imagine that. A predestined patsy and the potential red herring of the century. All because he feared the wrong “they” so we prosecuted the wrong “they” on his behalf.

Now if I’m wrong, then hey- whoop there it is. But I feel like I’m right and if I can prove it, then hell truly hath no fury like a Christian woman scorned. My most prime suspect plans to keep calm and carry on indefinitely I guess while the bodies stack and the carnage ferments but I’ve got news for “them.”

Not on my watch.

If you’d like to support me, independent journalism, and or help the world gain another bright criminal lawyer, feel free to become a paid subscriber (£7/mo) or Buy Me A Coffee. Because I love to eat, and pay my international phone bill too. Thank you so much and see you soon!

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However, now that things need to pick up offline, my writer’s brain has coincidentally ceased to function in preparation I presume. At first, I thought I was tripping. Until I thought about it. And I’ve said a lot. I’ve discussed my former family, my geographic timeline, dreams of marriage and motherhood, the weight of certain emotions, my first love (and subsequent heartbreak), homelessness, the twisted tale of me and law, and even my fraught relationship with America. None of it was in extreme depth yet it was far from surface level. And the arrival of September has made me say, “And scene.”

Mind you, I had a whole month of content mapped out. But I’m choosing to listen to my body, the Holy Spirit, and give my heart a break so that I can focus on what’s to come. I have a LOT going on in my personal life so I need to be sat down in on Substack for the next few weeks to address all that’s entering my day to day. It’s time to run. I’m getting my prayers answered, I just didn’t expect it to look like this. And that brings me here: my first proper pivot on Substack.

Ironically, Substack began with a pivot because I was never a poet. I’d written two poems in my life before this period. And although I do sincerely enjoy it, the ratio of it is about to change. It really began with reflecting on the paid feature of my account, and how it’s a bit purposeless right now. Not because I don’t deserve to make it as a writer but because I have this nagging feeling that the poems are meant to be free. It’s something else that’s meant to be exclusive. I know I’m meant to stay in Literature and I’ll always been the ether of Faith and Spirituality but there’s more. Poetry is a wondrous gold strike but there’s more mining to do and it’s too early to retire. I feel like I’m just getting started. So I said well… what else am I supposed to be writing?

That answer will be revealed in October but until then, I leave you in suspense with a bit of I Spy as a teaser and the assurance that I will still be posting notes. See you soon.

.

Somewhere cool I went: the Spanish restaurant I became a regular at

Something cool I did: start new TV shows (Ballard and The Better Sister!)

Something cool I learned: croissants actually originated from Austria! I always assumed it was France, but after a movie I watched said Romania, I went to fact check and it’s from Vienna. It started as the kipferl and once the French got ahold of it, they kept the shape and style but changed the dough and the name. And here we are!

Pieces I wrote

The best meal I had: wonderful hot, fresh French fries

Best book(s) I (am still reading) and love: Team of Rivals by Doris Kearns Goodwin + Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Something I lost: my dirty laundry (figuratively)

Something I gained: closure

.

Thank you so much for reading and holding space for me. I hope something in this series really resonated with you and shed light on things you long forgot about. There wasn’t a single piece that was easy to write this month yet facing those nerves has been so rewarding in all the best ways. Now I’m cool, calm, and collected going into September and I hope you are too. Take care!

.

Picking up from where we left off before, it says here that you were dismissed from the company twice, but there’s a seven year gap between the dates. Is that right?

It is, yes!

How is that?

Well, both bosses fired me, just separately and on their own accord. So the 22 year mark and 29 mark respectively.

How did you feel about your position in the company during that time?

Ummm… I would say secure but wary. The bosses are different people yet cut from the same cloth so I knew if one could let me go, then so could the other.

So you didn’t think to try harder or cling on to the sole company you had left? Because many people would.

Honestly no because again I didn’t trust them. And like I said before, my eye was always on the door. I was planning an exit- I just didn’t know it would come like that. And to be fair, the company culture was much better for a few of those years due to that termination. The pandemic is what shifted it again.

Have you spoken to either bosses since your release?

Nope.

And it’s been how long?

Eight years for one, almost a year and a half for the other.

Ok so you’re very used to this then?

Oh absolutely! It’s peaceful to leave one’s burdens behind.

What reasons were given at the time of your dismissal?

For the first, there weren’t. We got into a brief dispute on Father’s Day because he wanted validation and I told him he hadn’t been a good boss lately but here you go and he just fired me on the spot. And the other employee was collateral.

How so?

He stopped speaking to them too so she was made redundant by proxy. And there has been no word since. I was shocked but fine. It reeeaally devastated my colleague though.

And the other boss?

She was livid about my choices as a believer. She had always been unsupportive of my personal ambitions so once it became clear that I would continue to pick God’s will over hers, she couldn’t take it. She wanted me to essentially prove myself to her by “coming to” and earning my keep to be loved by her and do what she felt was best. So when I didn’t, and refused to budge, she snapped. Like threatening me, mocking me, starving me, calling me out of my name, trying to make me homeless- the whole shebang.

Wow. And so when you left…

She was just like ok bye take care! And legit never said anything else to me. A “Christian” by the way.

How do you reckon all of this? How can you be so calm and nonchalant about it?

Because I’m sad for them and glad for me. It’s not my sin and blasphemy to bear.

What exactly was said?

I don’t want to repeat it but yes the narrative was that God was against me, I was hearing voices, and I was ruining my life by listening to this evil wicked thing that couldn’t possibly be HR.

Please explain your gladness so to speak because this track record… it’s highly unusual and you don’t seem like a bad employee at all. You have very stellar statistics.

I mean essentially I tell people that I was disowned for the gospel because that’s the truth. No rational parent- let alone a sincere believer- is going to take a wrecking ball to their company because you’re being held accountable and they’re more concerned with serving God than pleasing you. You may not like it but at the very least you’ll respect it, and I realized they can’t receive me because of where they’re at- not because I’m this insufferable nightmare to be around.

And to be fair, I tried to quit the latter company in 2021, only for me to be harassed the whole time and ultimately have to return 15 months later for personal reasons. So it was clear I had to go on their terms not mine. You don’t really have any power or autonomy in a company like that so if it takes them firing you for you to get out, then so be it.

So you feel as though their lack of faith is the cause of this?

Absolutely! How is it not demonic to turn your back on your own? Mind you I am as strait-laced as they come. No drugs, no smoking, no brushes with the law, literally an AB student mostly (had a couple slip ups in uni over mental health struggles), was neeever in the streets like the majority of the friends I had. But what they see is the money you don’t make, the husband you don’t have, the debt you haven’t paid, the fame and accolades you have to publicly get, and the foolery you don’t let them get away with. The house isn’t built on the Rock and it shows. Hence why they feel like the grass is greener on the other side when everybody around them can see you already have the best possible grass and you’re ruining it.

So you believe the company’s issues are a direct result of the bosses’?

Yes, 100%. An employee is always gonna have to default to management so trying to put all the onus on them one minute but put them in their place the next doesn’t make any sense. And it’s not on me or anyone else that they have their heart set on getting the great results of a company they refused to properly build. I can’t do anything about that, let alone speed up the very real work I do publicly and privately with HR to even establish the company. They do a lot for the company yes but undermine it as well. So yes it’s a mess. If your love and support are conditional, and the conditions aren’t met, then here we are. Like I said it was theirs to lose. I’m chilling.

Would you ever return to the comp-

No. No I would not.

Oh. Any particular reason why?

Because what’s done is done and they are a huge distraction. Contrary to popular belief, it’s exhausting to be on a perpetual yo-yo with people that are supposed to be stable and of a sound mind. These people have been at this for decades, my former bosses are in their 60’s: they 100% know what they’re doing and I leave it all up to HR. He knew what it was the whole time so they have to explain themselves to Him, not me. Cause what can I do about it? I’ve forgiven them AND we can’t exactly redo those 29 years. It was time to move on. FULLY.

This is interesting because most eldest daughters not only never leave but they also never fully shut the door. But that’s not the case with you. Why is that?

Because I was ready to go. I know my worth and I’ve healed enough through therapy and HR to recognise and accept: their demons are theirs alone. I wasn’t perfect, I could’ve been a better employee in some ways but let’s not lie- I was in a lose lose situation. It’d be different if I was a prostitute or had robbed the bosses of all their money and hard-earned work or thrown my life away over a cartel or something crazy, then fair absolutely draw the line, wash your hands of me. But to genuinely be on the straight and narrow and be as solid of a believer as they come, and that makes you mad? To the point where you will lie on me and repeatedly threaten my life because you’re that irate?? Someone’s faith being that strong that they’ll serve the company according to HR and not the messy CEO’s whims and desires is a positive so if that makes you sick, then yeah I need to be fired cause that’s not a place I want to work at in the first place.

And I spent a loooot of time trying to be perfect to stay in the ever-shifting good graces of said bosses. I didn’t just wake up and choose violence. That’s the one thing I get sad about, both the ridicule/ scoffing and the wasted time. If I’d known all that striving and stressing and tongue biting and time biding would STILL amount to my sudden departures, I would’ve stepped out on faith sooner. Like I deeply wish I had had the bravery and strength to just go at the 16 year mark like I wanted. Cause it turned out the same- what did the extra 13 years do, you know.

Well for starters, you aren’t a minor anymore.

This is true.

And you have degrees and a work history, as well as a driver’s license.

Haha all very true, even though the company was not thrilled about the most of those.

Not to mention a valid passport.

Facts!

And I take it you have the support system to handle a life post-company?

More or less? It was something I did privately but I had HR and that was a monumental help.

Do you still talk to HR?

Oh everyday! He was the one that warned me what was coming and I had to cut a couple deals with Him over all this to survive. Every time people warn me to change or chastise me for not fighting for my old job back, I’m like what that old thing? Them people literally hate me lol- I had to beg HR to pull me out, only for Him to, and then cycle take yet another turn. It’s been a long of road of trying to stay at the company without being at the company? So to be free of ALL OF IT for once and for all is incredibly freeing. But yes HR is the best, that’s the greatest boss I’ll ever have and the only company I really care to have and acknowledge.

Could you talk more about that? Because you really don’t seem particularly bothered.

I guess for me… it was just such a long time coming that I don’t have the ego to be pressed about who dropped who. I wanted out and I’m out; the world wants to see a happy loving company and I plan to be apart of that- just not through them. I get thrown under the bus about it sure but I know a better company for me is coming. Which is hilarious when you think of all those condemning me and judging me because I’m like: how much more was I supposed to give? Are 29 years suddenly an internship? Or is that enough time to answer what all of this is going to ultimately be? Like is there any glory in staying on the Titanic? They’ll have to let me know cause I’m trying to live ok haha.

And there are other roles out there, let’s be real. I’ll never be an eldest daughter again but with companies like that, that’s fine. It’s a relief actually! A lot of people were upset when I returned to the company in Fall 2022, truth be told. So life goes on. I can be a wife, a mother, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law at another company. And it’s not like they’ll ask for references. HR will vouch for me if need be and I learned a lot while coming out in one piece. That’s what matters most.

What’s next for you?

Oh my gosh so many things! Law school, podcasting, painting, and photographing again. More travel and more Substack of course! The best is yet to come and I have no regrets about the faith costing me my entire life.

So you and the other employee? That’s-

It’s done, that’s a wrap too. She hates the company but she’s not trying to leave and she’s got her own skeletons. The moment I really started evangelising, she snapped too and cut off all contact so. It’s pretty wild- everyone in the company being Christian at one point and now I’m the only one. But it’s all good. I trust HR about it all.

That’s incredibly rare and sad to hear yet I see you really are okay. What would you say to anyone else in a similar situation at their company or someone that just can’t cope with the state of things?

Unless HR commands you to stay, then go. Literally just go. Pray yes and know that you have so much more to offer this world that may mean coming to a point where you refuse to bear this cross forever. And like me, the cross may outright get taken from you. And that’s a good thing! Don’t fight the freedom- accept it and move on. Shake the dust off your feet and go. It’s not worth your salvation and your life.

So you see it as… a launchpad? Like a rebirth almost.

Yeees, precisely. I think a lot of eldest daughters sell themselves short and let this role consume them and ruin them when at the end of the day, these people are just that: people. Do what you can’t but don’t get it twisted because to be willingly miserable for yeeears of your life in the name of honouring your bosses is wild. And it’s a choice. No one is forcing you to stay and endure and white knuckle until your final breath. Like its bondage, indentured servitude even. I’m not saying be selfish- I’m just saying be wise. ESPECIALLY if it’s having an adverse effect on your mind, body, health, and spirit. This is still the only life you’re getting. And you cannot tell me that that is God’s best for any of His creation: to spend all of their days being abused. Cause that’s what it is! We sure can’t call it love so if it’s that, what is it then?

That much is true.

We throw around the word boundaries so much that it has people either fighting for something that’s on its last breath or abandoning something that could live and be fine if they just nurse it properly. But the key is knowing the difference. And in my case, I’m just like love it or not, it’s only between me and HR. It was dead!! And trying to salvage my old company that was a dumpster fire is a yoke I neither need nor want.

I got disowned for the gospel, and yes that’s brought a lot of hardship on my life, but it’s also brought a lot of compassion, peace, and favour too. I can actually breathe knowing it’s over-over. I really made it out. And I know HR wanted that for me, hence why He orchestrated the out for me and gave me the tools to leave like I wanted. You gotta let go to receive and I think after all I’ve said, which is really only scratching the surface, it’s obvious I didn’t really lose. I won. I’m the best I’ve ever been and that’s the secret my former company doesn’t know. What they meant for evil, God already worked for my good because not only is it an answered prayer but it’s a setup for permanent victory. And I can live with that. I lose no sleep over it, I promise you.

Autumn, truly it has been a pleasure to conduct your exit interview and I commend your tenacity and heart. I wish you all the best, and hopefully you’ll never be in this chair again.

Hahaha fair. It’s only up from here. And thank you! That’s really sweet of you to say, I appreciate it. Gotta fight the good fight of faith and see what happens. I don’t have time to be sad and despondent and bitter; I pray for the company from time to time and leave it at that. A life of faith is a better life for me no matter what. That’s who I’m called to be and what I’m called to do. Walk on water and come what may.

Of course. And very well put! Thank you for coming in and we’ll be sure to put this all in your file. Best of luck to you.

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Would you mind stating your name?

Sure! I’m Autumn Hill.

Hello Autumn. Thank you for coming in today.

Thank you for having me. I’m so excited. I’ve never done one of these before.

Could you state what your title was and how long you were at the company for?

Yes, I was the eldest daughter for 29 years.

29 years! That’s a long time. I take it you were planning on being at the company forever?

Uhhh yes and no. I wanted to quit a lot of times so I’m just as shocked as you that I stayed that long.

When did you first want to quit and why?

Probably when I was seven. I wasn’t miserable or anything yet but I could just tell. That things were off and a little weird. I was obsessed with orphans. Madeline, Annie, Anne of Green Gables, all the Disney Princesses almost.

Why do you think that is?

Because they were relatable- always been alone, having to do more at a young age, wanting more for themselves, being in a situation they didn’t put themselves in and had no way out of. And I really admired their bravery, their honesty, and resilience. None of them threw in the towel- they really had that much hope and that much faith, and I needed to hold on to that.

Did you want to be an orphan?

No not at all! But my eye was always on the door. I felt like I was at the company by mistake so I was waiting everyday to find out that there was a mixup or that there had been a mistake. Cause we were nothing alike so I kept thinking well what if. I was ultimately believing I’d get a better offer and I never did.

What was it about the company? Or was it something specific to your role?

Oh boy… honestly both. I just felt like management didn’t care? Like being there half heartedly and out of spite was doing everyone a favor? Some days they were great but they made it pretty obvious they didn’t want to be there. And so you’re left doing everything, and that everything has a funny way of widening overtime. I’m already not getting paid- you mean to tell me I have to do multiple roles at once? Yeah no. 

Multiple roles how?

Well they brought on another person four years after me, but they had no real intent on training her for real? They sort of did the crash course thing and went on their way. So I, you know, was voluntarily helping at the time because she was new, she needed the help as did they, and they weren’t trying to get rid of her. And she was a little wild so I was concerned she would ruin it for herself so I took her under my wing.

That’s how it started. But by the middle, I am then responsible for this person no matter what and that was never in my job description. How did it go from me throwing away diapers to teaching her how to read and walk to then being the one checking the homework, watching her on weekends, knowing all the ins and outs of her life. So by the end, we cut ties because her decisions were- and are- actively tanking the company and once again it’s on me in management’s eyes to clean it up. And I’m not having that, not when I did it for so long.

So would you say you were parentified?

YES- very heavily and very badly.

I’m sorry to hear that. At one point would you say that started or really became a part of your role?

The 15 year mark. And at that stage you have a lot going on. There couldn’t have been a worse time.

What was that like?

Honestly it was a nightmare that didn’t seem like it would ever end. I never ever thought there would be a demerger so I was already devastated and unsure what my role would look like. Meanwhile that was all she wrote! It was twice the drama, twice the mess, and twice the duress. One boss doesn’t want to be bothered and was mad that everyone was not singing her praises AS she takes a wrecking ball to the company with no explanation. And then the other boss is seeeething- he’s doing everything from the ground up again after all those years and truthfully we preferred him so it was truly hard to watch. And until the company was stable enough, we weren’t allowed to see him. I think he was really embarrassed and I get that but it was hard. Only for our rights to be restored and the company culture was nothing like what it was before.

Ok yes- do speak on that. What was the company culture like before the demerger and after?

Wheeew. I mean it was never great to be clear but I think in the original design, there was enough present to balance the mess? Or at least hide it so there were obvious red flags looking back but at the time you just rationalise it and say ok this must be normal. So it was odd but we still had fun in the early years. The good ol’ days so to speak. But then you look back and say oooh I don’t know about that.

Can you give an example?

Sure! I’d say the amount of TV. I’d come home from my day at the department and watch TV for around two hours, do my homework, and then go back to watching at maybe 7:30 or 8:00. Then I’d watch for another hour, hour and a half. And when we’d wake up, I’m watching TV again, this time at 5 in the morning while I’m getting dressed if we were leading carpool and that’s another hour.

And how old were you?

Like eight. So that’s what, over four hours of television everyday? And that was actually an improvement because they had me in a different department until I was seven and there I’d have to sit until management came and got me around 6 or so, sometimes later. And at that point, the department is closed- there’s no work to be done. You already did it all. So TV at school, TV before dinner, TV after dinner, TV when you wake up. And years later there was a TV in the car haha! You can’t tell me that’s normal. But we would still laugh and joke and have a good time or whatever in car rides, at church, and stuff. They were always great when other companies were around. They seemed to prefer that.

And what about after the demerger- what was the culture?

Just war. Nonstop war between them, which then created a Cold War between the employees and management. We just couldn’t catch a break. They didn’t know what to do with the demerger they signed off on yet still had all these great expectations of us, ESPECIALLY me, all the while mistreating us because they don’t know what they’re doing. And never did but now it’s just obvious and we can all see.

What do you mean? What was management doing?

So they would obviously pay the bills (mostly), pay their rents, and keep everything above board from the outside but. They just became so selfish and checked out, that manipulation and neglect were the default to the point of it being abuse. Arguing over whether to take you places, mad because your department costs money, airing out everything going on between management, bringing around all these potential people for a new merger, sanctioning you if you go up against them and try to hold them accountable. Just miserable. It was absolutely miserable. 

Did you tell anyone?

Oh all the time! Never any teachers or higher ups but I definitely told HR everyday and I told my friends at other companies.

And what they say?

They didn’t believe me at first but by the end they got it. And then, once they got it and saw it firsthand, they were really outraged. I was still welcome to hang out at their companies- all the more actually- but no one wanted to take me on. They loved me but not enough to hire me. Like I said, a better offer never came.

And HR?

He was helpful in the end but in the moment nothing was changing and I was getting desperate. I was clinging to life.

How desperate?

Like I was crying myself to sleep every night begging HR to deliver me and to do something because I couldn’t take it anymore. That’s actually the first time I seriously considered quitting- at the 16 year mark. I was prepared to take them to court.

Wow that’s huge. Why didn’t you?

Truly because the law wasn’t on my side, or that’s how I felt at the time. I wasn’t being hit and by all metrics the average person would say you go to a fancy, top-notch department, you’re clothed, you’re housed, and sometimes fed: there’s no issue. But that’s the thing there were a lot of issues and I felt like I had no choice but to grin and bear it rather than openly and PUBLICLY suing the company for my way out. At the expense of justice and freedom, I knew I would either barely win, have to cover everything myself at 16, and lose out on my relationship the other employee since there would absolutely have been retaliation going down or stay because I lost the claim and now have to survive an even worse situation than before. Unless I just continued to suffer. So I suffered because that was simpler and I had a lot to lose. There’s no guarantees with emancipating, especially if the abuse isn’t obvious in the first place.

You said they sometimes fed you… what does that mean?

It means that management couldn’t cook more than about seven meals (and that was only one boss in particular) so none of the employees could cook. And we weren’t publicly working, let alone had the support to do that. So we were stuck depending on management, and when the demerger happened, they took advantage of that. They’d be out doing whatever for God knows how long and seeing as they didn’t want to be bothered, they would either not come home til after midnight with no dinner and throw us under the bus about it, come back at 10 or 11 with dinner when they left at 5, 6, or 7, or say there’s food there and it’s just popcorn, pretzels, and Hot Pockets.

How did that affect you both physically and relationally?

I mean it basically taught me how to have an eating disorder for a long time cause food felt like a privilege rather than a right. So I’d go huge stretches without eating and when I did eat, you know the quality was hit or miss. And I already had other health issues so my stunted puberty shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone looking back. I needed the medical intervention if we’re being honest.

But it ultimately taught me management couldn’t be trusted. That is the takeaway: if management can honestly pull SUCH a severe stunt with no plan, rhyme, or reason and then follow it up with nonstop foolishness, then who even are these people? I’m on my own. So I started living a double life: who I was at the company by force and who I felt I could be by choice when they weren’t around. But I was carrying a lot to keep the company going.

And was that enough?

It was, at first. But I was so hollow. It’s like everything was temporary gauze on bullet holes and knife cute when I really needed surgery and a restraining order haha.

I’m sorry to hear this. I assume you tried to talk to management about this?

Oh of course! Which was met with defensiveness and lambasting and gaslighting. And the guilt tripping of “you don’t know how hard this is for me” and “well I’m doing my best” and “it’s just me now and you actually could be doing a lot more to help.” Meanwhile I am the glue, the PR, the therapist, the HR, and unofficial CEO for the whole company as a year 16. Only to be told you’re just a kid. So needless to say I had a bone to pick with management and a serious chip on my shoulder for a long time.

So you became a disgruntled employee?

You could say that haha. I doubt I’m the alone in the camp of disgruntled eldest daughters.

And what was the company culture at the time?

Nonexistent. Toxic. Trash. Gone out the window and never coming back. Which I think upset them because they wanted the fun, hunky dory-ness but can you blame me? Who has the time for reindeer games when you’re carrying the company and trying to stay afloat in your own department? AS they take you though changes everyday and just keep piling on piling on piling on? Yeah they had to be their own best friend. I was spending sooo much time pretending everyday I couldn’t do it even over there too. And that was the last thing on my mind with all the moving.

The moving?

Yes. The other employee and I had to physically move between the split companies every week rain or shine. I would always call it The 5-2-7.

Why?

Because that’s how often we moved. Every Friday, then Sunday, then back again with the first until the next Sunday. And then it switched. Over and over and over and over again.

And this went on for how long?

Over three years. So 75% of high school. 

That’s unbelievable, wow. And I take it that was not your plan?

It was not. And it definitely was not my decision or my vote when asked but. Whatever management wants management gets. And it was always management’s world in management’s mind. We’re all just living in it so we need to get on board and stay that way. Until I ruined it thank God.

Ruined it how?

I would’ve been perfect at any other company but I just had to be placed there. And I was their reckoning. And still am honestly! Because what did firing me really do? You lost the glue, the backbone, and the only one that both cared and would bring on grand-employees.

So you feel that they made a mistake?

Oh absolutely! Like it makes sense in their twisted minds because I was too much of a renegade but overall no. But that’s easier than changing and it’s their company to lose, right? They wanted to do it without me so bad and got me out so let’s see. I haven’t met another me yet.

Well that is technically impossible, Autumn.

Oh I know. But go and tell them that. 

I’d… rather not haha. I’m good.

Fair enough! Listen I don’t want to keep you but the bottom line is they’re cooked- I know it, HR knows it, and one by one everyone else will too. They won’t even apologise and mean it so I had to get fired. Cause they were holding me back. Severely. And why be the glue of something determined to fall apart? That’s not on me, contrary to popular belief. Everything is not my fault despite their three decade mess of a lie.

So they’re right about one thing: I needed to go. And so I did. Happily.

Yeah we’re going to have to split this because there’s still a lot more to cover and that I haven’t even gotten the chance to ask you.

I love seeing the world but I hate moving and I’m ready to have a permanent home. It’s the constant tension of being sent out. These moves were alone as well so before anyone assumes it was due to a man, a job, or wealthy parents, the answer is none of the above. So while things are shifting once more, I’d rather show you than tell you (and give a sneak peek of my photography that’s coming soon).

I count any city that I’ve lived in longer than a month, which weeds out a few but there’s still plenty to work with.

So from newest to oldest, I present: Where To (The Visual).

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