Sexualization implies the existence of an object and an eye that sexualizes. It entails the reduction of a person’s identity, which surely comprises many facets, to the sexual one alone. Sometimes, when confronted with one sexualizing eye after another, that external perception starts shaping a woman’s identity. It enters the inner realm.

On the podcast, the topic drifted to the expected question of women who choose to be the object of sexualization for material gains. There are a lot of ways to defend this statement, but I feel like even Emily on the podcast kind of admitted to seeing a market for selling her body and capitalizing on it.

However, if you think about it, the concept of sexualization is primarily constructed through the male gaze. There are several reasons for that—some argue it is more cultural than biological, but I digress. When I, as a woman, say that I am sexualizing myself, I am really thinking from a man’s perspective about my own body—a testament to the deep-rooted misogyny that women experience and internalize.

If I choose to cover my body beneath layers of clothing, it remains the same as when it is covered by minimal layers or when it is not covered at all. So what changes between the layers, and for whom? I am not saying that women are oblivious to the effect that dressing a certain way has on men. Most women have had experiences that show the kind of power a woman’s body yields. That power is a double-edged sword—it can betray us or serve us.

But at the same time, should I be expected to take responsibility for the way men are wired? It is a man’s burden to bear and work through, just as women have their own burdens to bear. Ever so often, I catch myself and other girls thinking about their situation from a man’s perspective.

The point is, perhaps true liberty is achieved when I, as a woman, first create a distinction between the male perspectives that have permeated my brain and reverberated within my mind’s walls since I opened my eyes, and replace them with female perspectives. Perspectives recreated by quite literally shutting out the male voices.

Taking Emily Ratajkowski as an example, her bestselling book My Body is an act of rewriting the narrative of who she is through her own experiences, rather than through the sexualizing eyes that have plagued perceptions of her. That is, however, not an easy feat. At the end of the day, we are social beings and no one wants to be labelled negatively or shut out by an entire gender. So I’d suggest: slowly and steadily, do the work, inertly and quietly.

Every now and then, I think back to an ordinary memory. It doesn’t have to be significant or a core memory, but doing so triggers other questions. Like, who was I at the time? What were my hopes and dreams? How confident was I then? It’s almost as though countless versions of myself exist within me, and in the present moment, I do not know whether I carry only the memory of those old versions or retain them as my current personality in their entirety.

It gets me wondering: if I do live to grow old, how many more versions of me will have accumulated by then as the self metamorphoses? Or would they all come to life and merge into one? Would I feel burdened by some of those versions, or will I look at them through rose-tinted glasses, as we often do with our past selves.

I think a lot of us feel anxiety in adulthood because we realize that we don’t get a second chance at life. Think of any task you’ve done. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always done a better job the second time. An even better job on the third try. You get the point. With life, you only get one shot. Every age is lived for the first time. And that can be a debilitating thought that weighs down our chances of living life to the fullest.

Not only do we have to figure out the workings of the simulation we’re born into, because the simulations of the 1900s and prior centuries are different from those of the 2000s, but we also have to figure out what role we would most love to play in it. With the invention of social media and AI, it is getting harder to keep up with the simulation that is evolving so drastically within our lifetimes. It is getting harder to know the self and what it wants. We are creating our own hurdles.

There are, however, some people who know from a young age what role they want to play in the simulation and go on to become what they envisioned despite all the hurdles. I always imagine them having a very fulfilling feeling at the end of their lives, having lived out their dreams. Some of us are better at excelling at this thing called life, while others are just about coping. And it is okay. Neither matters in the grand scheme of things—the excelling or the coping. Seeing life as less significant than we often make it out to be is, paradoxically, of prime significance as then it can relieve the pressure of figuring out or fulfilling our purpose. With a light heart, we might just figure out our dreams. Or at the very least, enjoy life.

And life isn’t linear! Every new moment is essentially a chance to figure out what it is you feel you were meant to do in this lifetime or, if you already know the answer to that question, to work towards it. So, in that sense, we can choose to live multiple lives within this one lifetime! ;)

The fact that our conception isn’t of our own free will adds weight to the determinism scale. However, some would argue that humans are capable of exercising free will throughout their lives. We cannot expand on this topic without addressing nature versus nurture. Our morals, actions, beliefs, and personality are a result of our inherent nature as well as the environments that nurture us. Exactly how much influence each has in shaping us is still being studied. Regardless, both are forces that act upon us before we make a conscious choice. If our conscious choices cannot exist independently of these forces beyond our control, then free will can begin to feel like a figment of our imagination. However, what can be imagined can be brought to reality.

Having survived my turbulent twenties, I can say that free will exists in the moments where we act despite our nature and our upbringing. It exists in unlearning destructive patterns. It exists in reaching what feels like rock bottom and choosing to respond in a way that surprises even ourselves, a way that reflects our highest selves rather than our conditioning. That is where human tenacity lies, in rising above victimhood by using free will in whatever capacity to better our lives!

The thing is, we are constantly taking other people’s perceptions of us and making them our own, while also projecting our inherent qualities onto others, which shapes their perception of us. The lines become super blurred unless we meditate religiously to figure out where the self ends and other people’s perception of us begins. This is not easy work, by all means. A lifetime is nothing more than a succession of present moments. To be fully conscious of oneself is to meet each one with awareness. It is something that can never be achieved and at best, something to strive for.

We’re all living in our own micro realities projected by the all-powerful walnut-shaped organ, within the bigger reality that we share with others. It’s like constantly overlapping Venn diagrams with others. And, as noted earlier, our realities are dynamic, with constant osmosis of thoughts, perceptions, and information between us and the people we share realities with. Emotions, the self separated from ego, the ego itself, logic and critical thinking all reside within this organ. Safe to say, things get muddled up in there.

And, anyway, because we are bound by space and time, we don’t get to explore all versions of our conscious selves. The best thing we can do is integrate any perceptions that serve our highest selves and leave the rest as just that, perceptions!

Love,

Ayapapaya

When I was younger, I was less emotionally affected by difficult situations in other people's lives and tended to bounce back quickly. I almost felt like the least I could do was expose myself to the tragedies and misfortunes that strike other humans. Staying in a happy bubble almost felt like an insult to the negative experiences being meted out to others.

However, as I’ve grown older, I’ve become more aware of the many atrocities that accompany the human experience. That sadness, in its different forms, lingers in my mind much longer than it used to. As a result, I avoid it as best I can, but there really is no escape from it.

A while back, I saw the most gut-wrenching video on Instagram about the death of a 34-year-old man in a hit-and-run case. It showed his grief-stricken parents making an appeal for the identified perpetrators to be arrested. I was sharing the news with a friend when she said something I’ve often heard in response to tragic incidents. She said, “Is God even real?”. I think a lot of people have a similar reaction when things don’t go their way, asking, “Why me, God?”.

That got me thinking about the various beliefs and scientific languages humans have come up with in response to existential questions. My philosophical take is that humans are intelligent enough to ask existential questions, but not intelligent enough to answer them. That thought helps alleviate the anxiety I feel when I see the disparity in the life experiences dealt out to people around the globe. It allows me to make peace with not having answers to every question.

But humans also don’t like the idea of not filling in the blanks. Cue organized religions, esoteric teachings, astrology, the Big Bang theory, CERN experiments, and countless other attempts to explain our existence. The list goes on.

The way I see it, life on Earth is random. But then that higher power, God, the universe, fate intervenes as and when it pleases. At random. To embrace the randomness of life is to see it from a perspective that isn’t constantly searching for fairness. Besides, we’re only concerned with existential questions while we’re alive. Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box. Perhaps death is the great equalizer and the only certainty capable of putting our existential questions to rest, once and for all.

Love,

Ayapapaya

There was a time in history when humans were at the mercy of predators. With the invention of fire and tools, whether destined or a happy accident, humans could now hunt the apex predators. But with great power comes great responsibility. And it’s safe to say, we’ve abused the power and shrugged off the responsibility.

Every other living species is designed to play a role in the eco-system without destroying it. They live in tandem with nature and with one another. But once humans went from being hunted to becoming the hunter, they assigned themselves the role of designing the eco-system. In doing so, they’ve created problems, then created solutions to those same problems and pat themselves on the back for it. Consumption with sustenance as a focus is a foreign concept to mankind. Instead, our consumption is driven by greed. And although, there are a few voices of reason among us, they are, after all, only a few. The majority seem to have a sickeningly deep satiation threshold.

I was inspired to paint on this theme, taking inspiration from the koi fish, which symbolizes harmony and balance, while the human hands squeezing the fish represent humanity’s insatiable greed and its disruption of that balance.

This isn’t the best photo, and I used brushes meant for watercolors and not acrylics, hence the streaks. But message > aesthetics!

Love,

Ayapapaya

We all have ideas of what it means to love someone. The source of these ideas could be the relationships we witnessed growing up, the media we consumed, or our own ideals that form over the course of our life, to name just a few. The truth is, when cupid does strike, we don’t know who we will become in a relationship with the person we love. The intimate nature of love can shine a light on negative patterns and vulnerabilities that were previously unknown to us, as there was no reason for them to emerge in other, more platonic relationships. It’s pure luck whether we fall in love with someone who is willing to unpack the emotional baggage together or simply add to it.

What I’m trying to say is that the idea that love should be a beautiful thing between two people who elevate each other and bring out the best in one another is quite rare. Ideally, we’d all want it, but humans are imperfect, and intimate relationships are often the playground where those imperfections reveal themselves.

As much as I’ve observed my own relationships and those of others, I think that is a very idealistic view of love. Most of us have ideas of what we want in a partner, but anyone who has fallen in love will know much of that goes out the window. Love is not a rational decision but an emotional reaction. The conditionality of love turns unconditional. Judgement is replaced by empathy. You become willing to put someone else before yourself. Sometimes, doing so can lead to the kind of equilibrium in a relationship that you once prayed for. At other times, that stability is never reached and you simply surrender to the imbalance of the dynamic, all in the name of unconditional love. And sometimes, the wisest thing to do is walk away from the person you love, which is one of the most courageous decisions a person can make.

Anyway, I was inspired to paint an imbalanced dynamic between two lovers. I will title this painting ‘Never on the Same Page’. When you don’t see eye to eye with the person you love, it can be draining. But then again, who said it was going to be easy for most of us?

love (unconditional),

Ayapapaya

I’ve got a brilliant tip for anyone feeling down in life. Just get a God complex. Look at things as if you’re above the doings of the inhabitants of Earth. The more we indulge in our miseries, the more it weighs us down. But if you are above being a human and living the human experience, even if momentarily, then it all seems quite silly. And that shift in perspective makes you realize none of it matters - the wins, losses, comparisons, dreams (so overrated), proving to the ego that you’re worthy of being (LOL). Just tap into that highest level of consciousness within. God is within and not to be found in some place outside of you. It is indeed quite a liberating feeling. Just know to switch off the God complex before you walk out the door ;)

I read the book Flesh by David Szalay a while back. From my perspective, the book was trying to depict, through the life of the protagonist, that life is random. We might not realize it day to day as most of us have managed to indulge in a collective matrix and it sustains the illusion of knowing what comes next, either by way of our routines or our social networks. But in fact, life is unpredictable. We are reminded of it when someone unexpectedly dies or when something out of the ordinary happens. Knowing that life is random is not something to fear. You can choose to be okay with the cards so randomly dealt to you in life because remember, in the grand scheme of things, the cards dealt do not matter. Heck, the game doesn’t even matter!

The other day, my mother was oohing and aahing on the phone while talking to a family friend. As soon as she got off the call, she relayed the reason for her oohing and aahing. Her friend’s husband had flown out to attend the wedding of a colleague’s daughter. Shortly before the wedding, something utterly unexpected happened. The bride to be and her mother drove out to their coffee estates early in the morning. As they entered the estate, the daughter claimed that she smelled elephants. Now, I don’t know if one can smell elephants with human senses. But that is beside the point. Apparently, shortly after, an elephant came racing towards them, wrapped the mother in its trunk and threw her up in the air before trampling her. I was truly disturbed by this story, thinking about the family members still alive and having to deal with the loss.

Epicurus had a great quote on the subject of death which said "Death is nothing to us. When we exist, death is not; and when death exists, we are not." and isn’t that a great relief. However, it is the death of others that causes a vacuum that we have to live with until the lights are out for us.

This just puts into perspective how most of our problems stem from indulging the ego. It is the weight of the expectations we place on life. That is not to say that we should not have dreams, ambitions and expectations from other people. But when things don’t go our way, I hope we can view our lives from a higher level of consciousness and find the courage to separate the wounds of the ego from the life that still lies ahead.

Warmly,

Ayapapaya

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