the question everyone asks

which is harder: 0 to 1 or 1 to 2?

we have been asked this more times than we can count. and the answer is genuinely: it depends. not because we’re being vague, but because it is completely different depending on your age gap, your support system, and honestly which version of hard you can handle.

for amanda, 1 to 2 was harder. her boys are 17 months apart. two babies. two different nap schedules. two different needs. no break ever.

for jessie, 0 to 1 was harder. the identity shift, the body shift, the complete reorganization of your entire life. everything you knew changed overnight.

both of them are right. both experiences are valid. here’s what we actually learned from both.

0 to 1: your life personally shifts the most

zero to one is hardest on you as a person. your life changes completely and your partner’s life mostly doesn’t. they’re still going to work. they’re still sleeping through the night eventually. you are pregnant, then postpartum, then running on nothing while learning to breastfeed and heal and figure out what every single cry means.

and everyone has an opinion. if you don’t have a strong backbone going into that first baby, you are going to be absolutely pulled in every direction. your partner is going to come home and tell you what someone else’s wife does and you are going to want to throw something at him.

the funny part is that by baby two you genuinely do not care. someone gives you advice and you go okay thanks and then do whatever works for you. the confidence that comes with a second kid is one of the most underrated parts of the whole experience.

1 to 2: the shock nobody warns you about

one to two is a different kind of hard. it’s not about identity. it’s about logistics and guilt and the sheer physical overwhelm of being pulled in two directions at once.

with one kid your focus is entirely on that one kid. your activities are aligned to them. your life is aligned to them. the second you have two kids you are instantly split. two directions. two schedules. two very different sets of needs that are almost never the same at the same time.

jessie genuinely questioned why people had two kids during the first four to five months. not in a dramatic way. in a very real what the actual fuck is happening way.

and the guilt. the breastfeeding guilt especially. you finally have this baby you’re so excited to breastfeed and you’re sitting there feeding them and your older kid is just. waiting. staring at you. and you feel trapped and guilty and like you’re failing both of them at the same time.

here is what we want you to know: it is a season. a short and brutal season. and it ends. and then they play together and hold hands and you post the photo on instagram and forget how hard it was.

the age gap question

everyone asks what the best age gap is and the honest answer is: there is no best. there are just different kinds of hard.

close together: you have two babies at once. it is physically brutal in the beginning. but then they do everything together, they go to the same programs, they’re basically best friends, and suddenly your life gets dramatically easier because you’re only going to one place.

further apart: the early days are easier because your older kid understands more. but then you have kids at completely different stages for longer, which means different activities, different schools, different needs, all happening at the same time.

pros and cons to every gap. whatever gap you have or are planning: it will work out. it always works out.

the dad shock is real and nobody talks about it

the 1 to 2 transition is when dads go into full visceral shock. with one baby they could still get a break. one person takes the baby, one person rests. with two kids there is no break. ever. for anyone.

adam looked at amanda two days after ace came home, sitting in the backseat of the car with two babies in diapers and a wife who was crying from hormones, and said: we are done. done done. not maybe done. done.

they were done for almost two years. and then ace turned two and amanda’s hormones stabilized and the baby fever hit like a freight train. and here we are.

the baby fever thing is a physiological event

baby fever is not a cute feeling. it is a full body experience that makes complete logical sense absolutely irrelevant.

jessie describes it as feeling like a heroin addict. you do not think. you do not rationalize. every fiber of your being is just: i need this. i need it now. nothing else matters.

and then your partner is like: no. and you’re like: wrong answer. and suddenly you’re in this limbo where he won’t say yes and he won’t get snipped so clearly he’s not fully done either and you’re living in that tension for months or years and it is genuinely one of the hardest places to be.

btw: if they’re not getting snipped, they’re not done. that’s just the truth.

on deciding to have a third

amanda only wanted two. adam wanted three. she thought he was insane.

and then ace turned two. and the hormones settled. and her friends started having their second babies. and the baby fever arrived and did not leave. she fought adam about it every day. begged. pleaded. and eventually they made andi.

arlo is now acting out in ways he never did before. he’s five and he gets it this time. he’s been kicked out of his room for the nursery. amanda couldn’t drive him to school because of high blood pressure at the end of the pregnancy. he started sitting on her lap even though her belly made it uncomfortable because he needed to be close. he’s doing the baby things to say please don’t forget me.

that guilt is different from the newborn guilt. that guilt is about your oldest watching everything change and not being able to make it easier for them.

and then andi came home. and everything shifted again. and the love that exists in that house right now is something none of them could have predicted.

the tips that actually helped

screen time. use it. especially in the 1 to 2 transition. it is not permanent. it is survival. you put the show on for your older kid, you feed the baby, you get the baby down for a nap, and then you go do the toddler time. you transition. you figure it out. and then one day you don’t need the show anymore.

solicit help before you need it. tell your family and friends ahead of time: i am going to need more help than i think i do. plan for that. be specific about what you need. don’t wait until you’re drowning to ask.

it ends. it always ends. you think it won’t but it does. the phase that feels like it’s going to last forever is already almost over.

btw, we tried it

okay this one is for every mom who has ever been woken up at 5:45am by a toddler who has decided that is a perfectly acceptable time to start the day. it is not. and we have a solution.

we use the Mella Ready to Rise clock and it has genuinely changed our mornings. it has a little face on it that the kids are obsessed with, it glows red at bedtime, yellow when it’s almost time to wake up, and green when it’s go time. that is it. that is the whole thing. and somehow it works. because kids respond to visual cues in a way that words absolutely do not. telling a 3 year old it is not time to get up yet does nothing. showing them a red clock that turns green? game changer.

amanda has the boys trained to wait for the green every single morning. it is one of the greatest parenting wins of her life and she is not being dramatic about that.

it also doubles as a night light and a sound machine so it is genuinely doing three jobs at once. if you have a toddler who is waking up before 6am this is your sign.

shop it here

drop this in your group chat

send this to your mom friends right now:

“0 to 1 or 1 to 2: which one actually broke you. go.”

we need the data. report back in the comments.

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay the thing that hit us hardest putting this together was honestly the part about arlo acting out now that he’s five and understands that another baby is coming. because the guilt of watching your oldest navigate that shift and not being able to make it easier for them is a specific kind of hard that nobody really prepares you for. and if your kid is doing the baby things right now to get your attention, they’re not being difficult. they’re telling you something. they need you to see them. drop a comment and tell us which transition was hardest for you because we genuinely want to know. and if you have a friend who is about to go from one to two and is terrified, send her this. it’s hard and it ends and she’s going to be okay. okay we love you. have an amazing weekend and we will see you tuesday.

xo, amanda and jessie

let me tell you what this actually looks like.

6am in our house

the boys share a room. and every single morning at 6am without fail it starts. jumping from bed to bed. screaming MOMMMMYYY. punching each other. crying. laughing. all of it happening simultaneously at a volume that should genuinely be illegal before 7am.

but here is the thing i am actually proud of. they dress themselves. they clean up their room. they put their laundry in the hamper and their night diapers in the garbage. i taught them this and it is one of the greatest achievements of my parenting life so far. they have a green clock and they know the rules: when it turns green i open the door and we start the day. some mornings this works perfectly. some mornings it is an absolute battle and you never know which one you’re getting until you’re already in it.

while all of that is going on i go get andi out of her crib at 7am and bring her into the boys’ room so i can see everyone at once. make sure the room is tidy, make sure the boys are dressed and ready, make sure the baby is fed and happy. all at the same time.

some days i feel like i’m actually doing it. some days i feel like i’m just not dropping anyone.

who do i go to first

the mom guilt is never going to go away. i’ve accepted this. but there is a specific version of it that hits different with three kids.

when the boys are screaming and the baby is screaming at the same time, which happens more than i would like, i stand there for a split second and go who the fuck do i go to first.

i fight this battle with myself every single day. and i’m not going to sugarcoat it: there is no perfect answer. you just go to whoever seems most urgent and you hope the others can hold on for 45 seconds. sometimes they can. sometimes they can’t. and you feel terrible about both outcomes.

this is three kids. you are outnumbered. you will always be outnumbered. and somehow you figure it out anyway.

the 8am exhale

we have help and she arrives at 8am every morning. and i will not pretend otherwise because i think it’s important to be honest about that.

when she walks through the door i take one big breath. the baby has had her bottle. i’ve sat her down. the boys are done breakfast or just finishing up. the tv goes on. yes i said the tv. with 3 kids under 5 that is called survival and i have made my peace with it.

and then. FINALLY. i go upstairs. i have my morning coffee in peace. i take a breath. i sit there and go what the hell was the last hour and a half.

and then i do it all again tomorrow.

the part i’m nervous about

arlo is about to start sk at a new school and it’s a nice drive away. which means we need to be out of the house by 7:45am. maybe 7:50 on a good day.

7:45am. with a 4.5 month old, a 3.5 year old, and a 5 year old who is about to start a new school and needs extra patience and extra time and extra everything.

i genuinely do not know how we are going to do this. i am nervous about it in a way i haven’t been nervous about a logistical thing in a really long time. we are going to have to be a well oiled machine by 7:45 every single morning and right now we are not a well oiled machine. we are a loving chaotic beautiful disaster.

i guess we will find out. i’ll report back.

what andi has done to this house

i keep saying this and i’ll keep saying it: that third kid, my little andi girl, has brought so much joy and happiness into this house.

she slows things down even when she doesn’t. there is something about having a baby in the house again that makes you stop for a second in the middle of the chaos and just look at her. and everything quiets down a little inside even when it’s loud around you.

you are totally outnumbered with three. you cannot give everyone everything all the time. but i make sure that every single day, even in the middle of the chaos, i find a moment for each of them. a specific moment that’s just theirs. it’s not always big. sometimes it’s just a minute of eye contact and a really good squeeze. but it’s theirs and they know it.

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay the thing i want to say out loud this week is that the mom guilt of not knowing who to go to first when everyone is screaming is something i genuinely don’t think gets talked about enough. because with one kid you always know. with two it’s manageable. with three you are standing in the hallway at 6:30am doing a triage assessment of your own children and feeling terrible about it no matter what you decide. if you are in this era with me drop it in the comments because i need to know i’m not alone. and if you have a mom friend who is newly outnumbered send her this. she needs it. also if you have any tips for getting 3 kids out the door by 7:45am i am genuinely begging you to leave them in the comments. okay i love you all. see you thursday.

xo, amanda

we did a whole episode on this: listen now

let’s start with the most brutal one.

one of our listeners had two best friends drop her. fifteen years of friendship. gone. three months postpartum.

three months postpartum. when you are at your most raw, your most vulnerable, your most exhausted. when you need people the most. that’s when they left.

this is not rare. this is not an extreme case. this happens. and nobody warns you it’s coming.

you spend months preparing for the baby. the nursery, the registry, the birth plan. nobody sits you down and says: by the way, some of your closest friendships are not going to survive this. the group chat is going to get quiet. and it is going to be one of the loneliest feelings you have ever experienced.

the friendships that don’t make it

there is a version of this that makes sense and a version that doesn’t.

the version that makes sense: your lives went in different directions. you don’t have as much in common anymore. it fades slowly and quietly and you both kind of let it. that one hurts but you understand it.

the version that doesn’t: she’s jealous. she’s projecting. she makes side comments when she comes to see your new baby. she makes you feel like you have to apologize for your own life. she shows up and you have to perform and entertain and manage her feelings while you are three months postpartum and barely keeping yourself together.

cut her. we know that sounds brutal. cut her.

we have both done this. it is weird and uncomfortable and feels wrong and then one day you realize how much space you were giving to someone who was taking from you and giving nothing back. and you will never stop being grateful you let it go.

sadness is not jealousy. know the difference.

if your friend gets pregnant before you and you’re still trying, what you’re feeling is sadness. you want it for yourself. you’re grieving that it’s not happening yet. that is not jealousy.

jealousy has animosity in it. it has a sharp edge. you will FEEL it when your friend is jealous of you. you’re reading this right now and thinking of someone specific. that weird energy. that comment she made. that way she looked at you when you announced.

a friend who is sad for herself can still genuinely celebrate you. a friend who is jealous of you will make your happiest moments feel smaller. one of those friendships is worth fighting for. the other one, you already know.

the ones that get deeper

here is the part nobody talks about enough. some friendships become the most important relationships of your life after you have kids.

we met at a pilates class during covid. we were barely acquaintances. we started talking and realized we were going through the exact same things at the exact same time and something clicked. that’s how btw started. not at a baby shower or a prenatal class. at pilates. during a pandemic.

you don’t always find your people where you expect to find them. sometimes it’s a mom facebook group at 3am. sometimes it’s a comment section. sometimes it’s a stranger who replies to your instagram story and becomes one of your closest friends.

mom friendships specifically skip the small talk entirely. you both skip straight to the real stuff because you’re both in it. exhausted, figuring it out, desperate for someone who gets it. that kind of closeness happens fast. and it sticks.

on letting go

we are not sitting here being savage. losing a friendship is genuinely hard. it is a breakup. it deserves to be treated like one.

we have both been through this. and we’re not going to pretend it didn’t hurt. it hurt like hell. the good memories make it harder. the history makes it harder. all those years of inside jokes and holidays and the version of yourself you were with that person.

you hold the good memories. you put them somewhere safe. and then you move forward with the people who are actually there.

because the weight that lifts off your shoulders when you stop carrying a friendship that was draining you is one of the most surprising feelings you will ever experience. you didn’t even know how heavy it was until it was gone.

send this to your real ones

the friends who showed up. who held the baby. who brought food without being asked. who checked in without needing anything back.

send them this post right now. no caption. just send it. they’ll know.

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay the one that hit us hardest writing this was the listener who got dropped three months postpartum by two friends of fifteen years. because that kind of betrayal at that specific moment in your life is something you don’t forget. and if that’s you, if you’re reading this and that happened to you, we want you to know it is not a reflection of you. it is entirely a reflection of them. and the circle you build after will be the one you actually needed all along. drop a comment and tell us about the friendship that surprised you after kids, the one that showed up when you didn’t expect it. we want to hear it. and if you have a friend who is quietly going through this right now, send her this. she needs it more than you know. okay we love you. have a great weekend and we will see you tuesday.

xo, amanda and jessie

i would not skip this one thing.

boring as hell deep core breathing.

i had 2 pregnancies. both similar in weight gain. both similar during my pregnancy. i probably worked out more with my first just because that was easier back then. but i still did work out with my second.

but there was 1 thing i did different between the 2 and it was deep core breathing in the first, religiously, and literally zero in my second.

and let me tell you. the postpartum tummy after baby 2 was NOT CUTE. i’m not really talking about baby weight gain, or trying to lose some belly fat. i’m talking full on diastasis recti and my bladder acting as if it didn’t talk to my brain.

if you’re wondering what the hell i am talking about, here is a pic of my abs fully separating (and this was almost 2 years post birth). sure i look fine. but literally look at that ab separation. which led to so many other issues like leaking pee when i cough, jump or anything because i also have a weak pelvic floor.

let me tell you the things that caused this picture.

1. i did zero deep core breathing during pregnancy. like none.

2. i worked out immediately after i felt good and pretty much skipped the core. i thought it was so boring and i was so determined to get back to my pre-baby weight that if i had 30 minutes to workout, iwas NOT going to waste it lying on the floor breathing.

3. i didn’t see a pelvic floor therapist. BIG MISTAKE. but like after baby #2, literally who has the time…

well turns out i really screwed myself up. those 3 mistakes led me to a serious issue with my core and pelvic floor, one that i am still paying the price for. the good news is, you can always fix it, which i am on a mission now to do – and you can see from the pic below that there is hope (this was basically a year later). but for those of you starting out, here is my advice to avoid having a gaping hole in your stomach.

so if i got pregnant again, these are the boring things i would not skip

1. do your deep core breathing exercises during pregnancy. if you are lifting weights, make sure you know what you are doing and hug that baby when you flex. otherwise you’re making it worse before you know it. they also tell you “pick up a blueberry with your vagina” or “a pea with your butt.” these analogies really make me LOL but they work.

2. do some push prep courses that help you with birth so that you again can use your breath to save your vagina and abs. i did the belle method on baby #1 and it was great.

3. as soon as you feel like it, start again with the deep core breathing exercises postpartum. do not lift weights until you’ve done this well. this was my biggest mistake and one that i regret. i did restore your core on bounce forward, but i didn’t stay consistent like i should have. great program though.

4. make sure you are working out or doing something with someone that KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE doing so you don’t make it worse. i worked out with strong men that didn’t understand a postpartum body and while i got stronger, my core suffered.

5. and please, i know it is not fun or enjoyable, but go to a pelvic floor therapist if you have the time and stomach for it, it’s worth it. just a little fyi, it’s basically like an internal exam of your vagina with someone telling you how strong or not strong it is down there. i know it’s more sophisticated than that, but that’s what it felt like at the time. but, it did help. and the exercises they give you make a difference. so if you can make it through childbirth, you can make it through this.

my best advice on changing your perspective

i thought of healing my core and pelvic floor as an add-on to pregnancy and postpartum. sort of like it was on the menu, but you didn’t have to do it. it should really be explained to women as an essential part of pregnancy and postpartum. it is CRITICAL that you pay attention to all these things. in your day to day, in your labour, in your recovery and in your postpartum workouts. truthfully, pelvic floor should be part of postpartum care. like your 6 week check up should be a pelvic floor exam. but that’s a whole other post to get into.

BOTTOM LINE, take your core and pelvic floor seriously, just as much as you would with the food you chose to eat during pregnancy, or how you care for your vagina postpartum. and just know that the exercises you will need to do are so boring and will feel like you are doing nothing, but i promise you, they make a difference.

turns out, all you need to do to not pee every single time you jump or cough or laugh or sneeze, or have some weird stomach vibes going on, was just to get better at breathing!

happy breathing

xoxo

we went deep on this one on the podcast too: listen now

The unpopular opinion

nobody actually tells you how hard it’s going to get.

people say it’s gonna be hard. they say it with like a knowing smile and a vague warning. but they don’t tell you the specifics. they don’t tell you that you’re going to look at the person you chose and think oh my god did i marry the wrong person. they don’t tell you that you’re going to feel more like coworkers than partners. that you’re going to be so exhausted and touched out that the idea of physical intimacy feels like another thing on your to do list.

they don’t tell you that it’s also incredibly, heartbreakingly normal.

the shock of the shift

with your first baby something genuinely shocking happens. the person you loved most in the world for years, the one you just married, the one you were obsessed with, suddenly gets bumped. because this new tiny creature comes out and they become the person you love most in the world. and your partner is now third. maybe fourth if you count the dog.

during pregnancy they were so into it. what do you need honey. let me get that. are you okay. and then the baby arrives and both of you are just like what the hell is happening. you are running on hormones and no sleep and a body that does not feel like yours. they are trying to navigate you and the baby and their own feelings and genuinely not knowing what to do. and neither of you can really see what the other person is going through because you’re both too deep in your own version of it.

and then the second baby arrives and that’s where it really hits.

with one baby, one of you can still have some version of a life. one person can still go to the gym or see friends or sleep in. with two kids, until the younger one is at least six months old, nobody gets a break. ever. if someone leaves you solo with two kids under two they are mean and you are allowed to cry.

that’s when the resentment starts creeping in. not because anyone is doing anything wrong necessarily. just because there is so much more to do and not enough of either of you to do it.

The resentment and the mental load

have you ever felt resentment creep in?

yes. and we think more people need to say that out loud.

there’s just more stuff to do. that’s it. that’s the whole thing. more tasks, more decisions, more logistics, more management. and when you feel like you’re doing most of it and not getting acknowledged for it, that’s when the resentment builds. slowly. quietly. until one day you’re genuinely upset about the way they loaded the dishwasher and you both know it’s not actually about the dishwasher.

one thing that actually helps: positive reinforcement. not just pointing out what they’re doing wrong. when they do something right, say it. this sounds basic. it is basic. it also works. men in particular respond really well to being appreciated out loud and it changes the energy in the house in a way that’s genuinely surprising.

the other thing: say it before it becomes a resentment. use the actual word. i’m starting to resent you for this. it’s uncomfortable to say. it is so much better than letting it fester for six months and then exploding over the dishwasher.

the roommate phase is real and it’s survivable

there is a phase, and most couples hit it, where you feel more like roommates than partners. you’re running the house together. you’re co-parenting. you’re functional. but you’re not connected. you’re not choosing each other. you’re just coexisting.

and the thing we want you to know is that it doesn’t have to mean your relationship is broken. it means you are in a season. a hard season. but a season.

here’s what actually helps when you’re in it:

watch a show together. phones in another room. this sounds so small. it is so small. but there is something about sitting on a couch together, cuddled up, watching the same thing, that creates a connection that scrolling separately absolutely does not. it’s not a date night. it’s not a grand gesture. it’s just two people choosing each other for 45 minutes and it matters.

concerts. genuinely one of the best date ideas for couples who are exhausted. you don’t have to talk. you don’t have to perform. you just stand next to each other and experience something together. that’s it. that’s enough.

and the thing we keep coming back to: they are all going to leave. your kids are going to grow up and move out and find their people and build their own lives. and it’s going to be you and your partner. so the work you put in now, even when it’s hard, even when you’re exhausted, even when you feel like strangers, that work matters. because those kids are temporary tenants. your partner is who you actually chose.

the intimacy shift

okay we’re going there.

after you give birth, the last thing on your mind is sex. you are touched out. you are healing. you are running on nothing. and meanwhile your partner has been waiting and is a normal human with normal human feelings about it.

this is one of the stickiest parts of the postpartum period and almost nobody talks about it honestly. women have written in saying they went five months without sex after the baby. and that’s okay. there is no timeline. there is no right answer.

what we will say: you are almost certainly harder on yourself than your partner is. the things you think they’re thinking about your body? they’re probably not thinking them. the person who loves you and chose you and watched you grow and birth a human is probably just really glad you’re okay.

and when you’re ready, take it slow. do what actually feels good for you. don’t do it because you feel like you owe it. do it because you want to reconnect. there’s a difference and you’ll feel the difference.

the rage text trick

this one is from us to you and it works.

when you are furious and you want to send a message to your partner that you will absolutely regret, write it out. everything. get it all out. every feeling, every frustration, every thing you’ve been holding onto. write the whole thing.

and then delete it.

you’ve had your reaction. you’ve released it. now take what’s actually worth saying, the real thing underneath all of it, and say that calmly later. you cannot unsay things. you cannot unring that bell. people don’t forget what you say in the heat of the moment even when you both agree you didn’t mean it.

btw, we tried it

okay this one is a little different because it’s not a product, it’s a platform. and we genuinely think every mom who has any kind of audience or community needs to know about it.

ShopMy is how we run all of our affiliate links. you create a page, you add the products you actually use and love, and when someone buys through your link you earn a commission. it’s free to join, it takes about ten minutes to set up, and it turns the recommendations you’re already making in your dms and your stories into actual income.

we talk about treating yourself. we talk about having something that’s yours outside of being mom. this is one of those things. something you built. something that earns while you sleep.

if you’re a shopper and want to browse our picks: shop here

if you’re a creator or influencer and want to join and build your own page: join here

either way we love you and we love shopmy.

photo here: a screenshot of your ShopMy page or a flat lay of products you have linked on there

drop this in your group chat

send this to your married mom friends right now:

“be honest: are you in the roommate phase right now or have you come out the other side. go.”

this conversation will either be really funny or really heavy and either way you needed to have it.

the poll

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay the thing that hit us hardest putting this together was honestly the part about the kids all leaving eventually and it being just the two of you again. because in the thick of it, when you’re exhausted and resentful and coexisting, it’s so easy to forget that this person is who you actually chose. and the work you put in now, even when it’s the last thing you want to do, is worth it. if you’re in the roommate phase right now, drop it in the comments. we want to know we’re not alone and we’re pretty sure we’re not. and if you have a friend who needs to read this today, send it to her. she probably won’t even know how much she needed it. okay we love you. see you tuesday.

xo, amanda and jessie

okay let’s get into it.

andi turns four months tomorrow

four months. i cannot believe it. she is almost rolling over, officially out of her swaddle and into her sleeping bag like a proper little human, and smiling more than she ever has. her personality is coming through and it is everything.

she was born with brown hair and it is slowly getting blonder. my husband is dirty blonde. i have dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. not one of my three kids got a single one of my genes in the hair or eye department. not one. i carried these children for nine months each and none of them look like me. i have receipts from the hospital but at this point i’m just taking adam’s word for it.

we got her ears pierced and i closed my eyes the entire time

we went to carol visage in vaughan mills mall in toronto and she was an absolute champion.

i was nervous leading up to it in a way that felt slightly unhinged for someone who has pushed three humans out of her body. but we got there, they did both ears at the same time, and andi cried for exactly two seconds.

two seconds. and then she started laughing at the two girls who did it.

they told me the cry was from the noise, not the pain. apparently at that age their ears don’t have the same sensitivities as older kids or adults. if you’re thinking about it: she was just shy of four months and it could not have gone better. they said the earlier the better, before they start touching their ears.

my mom and i stood there with our eyes completely closed the entire time. i have the photo. it is going in this post.

toronto people: carol visage, vaughan mills mall. that’s the rec.

Andi getting her ears pierced and my mom and i closing our eyes hahahaha

(watch here)

arlo turned five and the taekwondo party actually worked out

remember how he wanted a play place and i had planned an entire taekwondo party and i was like it’s fine everything is fine? it was fine. he had the best time of his life. pinata, the whole thing, completely obsessed. i knew it. i always knew it.

but here is the thing about arlo turning five that i wasn’t prepared for. something clicked. he knows he’s the big brother now. he is calming his nervous system down faster than he was even two months ago. he is a very sensitive kid who used to cry fast and hard and now i watch him catch himself. take a breath. come back.

it’s like watching someone become a person in real time and i don’t know how to explain it except to say it is the most beautiful and heartbreaking thing at the same time. who is this little boy. he was literally born yesterday.

ace is still going into andi’s room every single morning to give her kisses. still obsessed with her. i just keep reminding him not to touch her ears lol.

i went to hilary duff and left my house at 5pm like a feral adult

okay i have to tell you about this because it needs to be documented.

i went to see hilary duff with one of my childhood best friends this week and it was genuinely one of the best nights of my life. and i need you to understand what i mean when i say i LEFT THE HOUSE AT 5PM. 5pm. like a person. like someone who has places to go and things to do and a life outside of her children.

i had one glass of wine. six ounces. and i felt like i had taken ten shots.

one glass. six ounces. i was gone. and this is what nobody tells you about becoming a mom, alcohol hits completely differently now. like your body forgot what fun felt like and decided to overcorrect the first chance it got.

but here’s the real thing. standing there with my childhood best friend, singing every word to songs we knew at fifteen years old, i remembered a version of myself that i haven’t thought about in a really long time. the girl who had nowhere to be and nothing to worry about and all the time in the world. and it hit me all at once that i had no idea how good i had it then. none. zero idea.

and also that i would not trade my life now for anything. but also that sometimes you need a 5pm departure and six ounces of wine and a best friend who knew you before any of this to remember who you actually are. everyone needs that. everyone.

the body update and the engagement party boobs

i had an engagement party this past weekend and getting dressed was a whole experience. i keep telling myself to buy new clothes but the pounds are coming off slowly and i don’t want to buy a whole wardrobe twice. so i’m stuck in this in between where nothing fits properly but i’m not at my goal yet.

but here’s the win. i found an outfit that actually worked. a top i’ve had for 2 years that suddenly fits completely differently. and my boobs were popping. like i looked like i’d got breast implants. i did not. i just finally figured out how to make them sit properly and i felt like a human woman for the first time in months.

still doing strength training. lagree once a week working up to twice because it is destroying my core in the best way. every class i feel like i cannot breathe and then i feel incredible after. and tennis. why was i not playing tennis before i had kids. all those free hours. gone forever. i will never get them back and i deserve to be upset about it. if anyone needs me i’ll be on the court pretending i don’t have 3 kids and a mortgage.

7 years of marriage next month

adam and i will be married 7 years next month. we’ve been together over 12 years. we met at 22 years old which means we were genuinely children when we started building a life together.

i always want to be honest about this: marriage is a lot of work. you signed up for it. i signed up for it. every year, every kid, every hard season is growth. both of you are constantly changing and you have to keep choosing each other through all of it.

when people say 50/50, it’s not always 50/50. some days it’s 100/0. some days one person is carrying everything and the other is just trying to survive. that’s okay as long as it balances out over time.

adam knows i’m going away with my girlfriends in a couple months. he understands. he’s also a little scared. looking forward to celebrating 7 years. we’ve earned it.

arlo starts sk and i am not handling it

arlo is starting senior kindergarten at a new school in a couple of weeks and i have so many feelings about it.

i grew up going to about 10 different schools. i turned out okay. thanks mom. but it was hard and i know it was hard and arlo is a sensitive kid who gravitates toward one person and takes time to open up. i’ve been doing play dates before school starts, reminding him i’m always coming to pick him up, and telling him it’s going to take time but he’s going to love it.

if you’re going through this too: it’s so normal for them to be anxious and not want to go. play dates before school starts help more than anything. consistent pickup reminders help. and sitting with the feelings instead of trying to talk them out of it helps the most.

the thing i want to say out loud

i used to hate mondays. like everyone does before kids. mondays meant the weekend was over and real life was starting again.

now i look forward to mondays more than almost anything.

because on monday i drop everyone off at camp and school and it is just me and andi in the house. and for the first time all week i remember who i am outside of being mom and wife and household manager. i get a second to breathe. to think. to just exist as a person.

and before anyone comes for me: yes i love my family more than anything in the world. and also i counted down to monday like it was christmas morning. both are true at the same time and i refuse to feel guilty about it.

it is so fucking normal to need a break from the people you love most. to count down to monday. to be more excited about a girls trip than you were about your own honeymoon. that does not make you a bad mom. that makes you a human being who has needs. and a human being who has needs is a better mom.

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay two things hit me hardest writing this. the hilary duff one because i genuinely had forgotten what it felt like to just be me for a night and i think so many moms are walking around having forgotten that too. and the monday one because we should not feel guilty for needing space from the people we love most and i want every mom reading this to hear that. drop a comment and tell me the last time you did something just for you, even something small, because i want to know and i want to celebrate it with you.

also i just finished sterling point on amazon prime and if you have not seen it please go watch it immediately. it was so good. exactly the kind of show that lets you completely escape your own life for a while and just live in someone else’s. and yes i cried at the end. obviously i cried. let me know what you think.

okay i love you all so much. and genuinely, truly, thank you for showing up here and in our instagram dms. it means everything. i feel like i have so many best friends i’ve never met and i mean that. see you thursday.

xo, amanda

never wake a sleeping baby. always wake them to feed.

let them cry it out. never let your baby cry.

breast is best. fed is best.

pacifiers ruin their teeth. pacifiers are fine.

co sleeping is dangerous. co sleeping saved my life.

strict schedule. follow their cues.

pick one. any one. someone is going to tell you you’re wrong.

here is what is actually happening.

contradicting advice only exists on personal things. nobody is out there disagreeing about developmental milestones. babies crawl between x and y, full stop, one opinion, everyone agrees. but the second something is a choice? every single person has a take and they’re selling it like it’s the only truth.

and when you’re a first time mom with no idea what you’re doing, you count heads. three people said this, one person said that, going with the three. that’s the whole system.

the ones that made us the most insane.

breast is best.

there are lactation consultants who will look you in the face and tell you what you’re doing is wrong when you produce four ounces of milk. like what exactly do you want me to do with that information. your baby needs to eat. amanda came home bawling from the doctor with her first because her baby wasn’t gaining enough weight and she had to switch. she was devastated. fed is fed and a mom who is not losing her mind is a better mom. end of.

the pacifier debate.

arlo had his until he was 3. he threw it in the garbage himself one morning, woke up that night and asked for it back. obviously we kept it. dentist saw him six months later: teeth are totally fine. jessie’s second kid never used a pacifier and actually has more crowding in his teeth than her first who did. the osteopath said the pacifier motion helps develop the palate. contradicting advice resolved by one dentist and one osteopath. there you go.

co sleeping.

jessie co slept with her second and says it was the best six months of her life. set it up safely, kick the husband out, the baby smells you, you’re back asleep in 2.5 seconds. why does co sleeping have such a bad reputation? jessie went down the research rabbit hole and found out it goes back to when people used to roll over on babies intentionally when they had 12 kids and no birth control. that is the origin story. that is what we are all still reacting to.

the schedule debate.

amanda made fun of wake windows with her first. did strict schedules. it bit her in the ass. discovered wake windows with her second. it worked like a charm. then of course there’s contradicting advice about what the correct wake window even is. one person says two hours, another says 2.5, another says 1.5. you end up calculating sleep like it’s a grade 12 math exam.

pro tip: type into chatgpt ‘my baby woke up at 7am and i need them asleep by 7pm, build me the schedule.’ done. we are genuinely a little bitter that new moms get to have this.

the bottom line.

whatever you do, you’re going to have to transition away from it eventually. the snoo ends. the pacifier ends. the co sleeping ends. everything ends. so if it works right now, do it. don’t worry about undoing it later. it’s going to be hard later no matter what.

no matter what advice you follow, you’re still just winging it. five kids between us. still winging it. every single day.

btw, we tried it

okay this one has nothing to do with parenting advice and everything to do with treating yourself. which, after reading everything above, you deserve.

we are both obsessed with bag and bougie right now. we have each ordered multiple times and keep buying them as gifts for friends because once you see them in person you cannot stop. the bandana tote and the bandana pouch are the two we keep coming back to.

but here is the thing that makes it extra special: the embroidery. you can have your last name embroidered on it. not your kid’s name. your LAST name. so it works for the whole family, the kids use it, you use it, the dad actually uses it, everyone wants one. and with code BTW15 you get 15% off which basically makes the embroidery free.

the bandana tote: shop here

the bandana pouch: shop here

use code BTW15 for 15% off. buy one for yourself. buy one for a friend. buy one for your mom. they come in two colors and both are perfect.

drop this in your group chat

send this to your mom group right now:

“cry it out or never let them cry. go.”

watch what happens. report back in the comments. this will not end peacefully.

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay the one that got us most writing this was the breastfeeding thing because we have both been made to feel like failures for not doing it the way someone else thought we should and it is one of the most damaging things you can do to a new mom who is already running on empty. fed is fed and that is the end of it. drop your worst contradicting advice horror story in the comments because we know you have one. and if you know a first time mom who is currently drowning in opinions from literally everyone she has ever met, send her this. she needs to know she’s not alone and she’s not doing it wrong. she’s just winging it like the rest of us. okay we love you. have a great weekend see you tuesday.

xo, amanda and jessie

and what i can tell you is that its a combination of luck and your kid. some people are lucky. some are not. some kids are good sleepers. some are not. and some kids just need more support to sleep and some do not.

here is my take on the whole sleep training concept, what actually helped me, what i could do without, and what my sleep journey looked like. a REAL take on it. not some fake instagram version.

WARNING, my views might rub people the wrong way but im just being honest about how i felt.

the night it all clicked for me

the moment it all changed for me was one night i went into the crib to help my kid sleep. it was bright from this stupid night light. it was loud from this sound machine. i was honestly kind of scared, not gonna lie. and it dawned on me that no wonder these babies are freaked out when you leave them alone. they arent ready. i dont care what sleep trainers say, as a mom who was physically connected to my baby for 9 months and then breastfeeding, why am i subjecting him to this. and myself. it was torture. and from that night on, my whole view on sleep training changed.

cry it out nearly broke me

the thing i absolutely hated and felt judged for was cry it out. i hated every second of it. it was more like me crying. watching my 6 month old shrieking for hours on end. it was miserable. and having the sleep coach be like, its normal, they will eventually fall asleep. something about that just felt so unnatural.

the difference between settling and shrieking

so for my second, i never did it. i co-slept until he was 8 months old. and then around then we slowly did the crib transition and it was so easy. yes there were some crying moments, but we never cried it out. to me there is a very big difference.

letting your kid try to settle themselves for around 5 minutes is completely different than letting your kid shriek until the early morning. and have a panic attack when they see you, or hypervigilance.

what actually helped me

anyways, take all of what i say with a grain of salt. my kids sleep with me and im not ashamed. ive gotten here at my own pace. yes there have been tired weeks or even months of my life, but the feeling i have in my heart is that i havent left my kids alone. ever.

here are a few things that i found worked for me. if youre feeling like all the guidance goes against your gut, try some of these and see if they work.

the number one tip i can tell you is its trial and error.

1. co-sleeping. this made my life so much easier.

2. sound machine gone. the noise was annoying. if you need to drown out noise, you put the machine outside their room, not inside.

3. no night light. its terrible for their eyes.

4. age makes such a difference. what works in the early days does not work later on. going in and checking on them at 1.5 to 2 years old works great. at 8 months old, its too traumatic.

my thoughts on sleep trainers

sleep trainers are great. i am not shitting on them at all. but i also found that they made my life worse, not better. they told me things that felt unnatural or not intuitive as a mom. so after baby number one, i learned that i need to trust my gut. if i could go back in time and do it all again, i would continue to learn what i could from other people, including sleep trainers, but i would trust my gut WAY more.

i felt ashamed by sleep trainers to do things that felt natural to me. when i did co-sleeping of any kind, i was told that was wrong and my baby would get attached. in my head im like yes thats the whole fucking point. they are 6 months old.

they start you WAYYYYYYY too young. like we started at 4 months. that is insane to me looking back. your baby is a nothing then. the thought of making them cry it out in their crib is ridiculous. sorry not gonna apologize for that one. the minimum age in my books is 8 months for sleep training.

and my real question, again not to bash anyone but this is an honest question, what qualifies someone to become a sleep trainer? im actually asking because i dont understand what certified sleep consultant means.

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

ok i know this ones going to bring out strong feelings on both sides, sleep trained moms and non sleep trained moms both. but for me it came down to trusting my gut over what felt unnatural, and there is a real difference between settling and shrieking. tell me where you land on this, drop it in the comments, i actually want to know. tag a friend who needed to hear this isnt as black and white as it seems. love you guys. more soon. xx jessie

🎧 we did a whole episode on this: listen

from the group chat. btw, nobody told me.

they send you home from the hospital with a baby. that’s it. no manual. no checklist. no test you had to pass. just a human, a car seat, and a see you at your next appointment.

welcome to the fucking thunderdome.

between us we have five newborn experiences. not one of them was the same. here is everything we wish someone had actually put in our group chat before we needed it.

first time, second time, third time. it’s all different.

with your first you are completely in shock. jaw on the floor. adam was genuinely the mom with arlo. he woke up with the baby, he brought the baby to me in the morning, he was there every single time he cried. i was just like okay. what is happening. what am i doing. what does this cry mean. we were literally passing the baby back and forth going what do we do. adam stood there singing songs to arlo at 3am. we tried music. we tried shushing. we googled everything. none of it worked and also somehow all of it worked eventually.

with your second you just know. it’s actually insane. the baby cries and you already know what it is before you even pick them up. you’re calmer. you’re faster. you trust yourself in a way you couldn’t the first time because you didn’t have yourself to trust yet. you were growing with your first kid. that’s what the newborn stage with your first is. you’re both figuring it out at the same time.

with your third you are relaxed in a way that would have genuinely shocked first time you. you know it goes fast. you know every phase ends. you know this baby is going to be walking and talking before you even catch your breath.

but here’s the part nobody tells you about the third: you know too much. and knowing too much comes with its own kind of grief.

the moment that stopped amanda in her tracks

last week amanda went to drop something off at her neighbour’s house. her neighbour had just had a baby. 5 days old.

amanda had just come from being with andi who is 14 weeks.

she held this 5 day old baby and she went completely still inside.

because she realized that she will never hold a newborn that is hers again.

not sad about andi. she is so in love with who andi is becoming, the smiling, the personality, the little person emerging. all of it is beautiful and she would not trade it for anything.

but standing there with that 5 day old she would have given anything for just five more minutes with each of her babies as newborns. just five minutes. to go back and hold arlo at 5 days old knowing what she knows now. to hold ace. to hold andi in those first days without the fear and exhaustion clouding everything.

that’s the thing nobody warns you about. the newborn stage is hard and overwhelming and you cannot wait for it to be over. and then one day you’re standing in someone’s living room holding their 5 day old and your heart breaks a little for the version of you who didn’t know how fast it was going to go.

when people say enjoy every moment you want to throw something at them. and then you’re on the other side and you completely understand and you feel that same desperate urge to grab every new mom you see by the shoulders and say i know you’re exhausted. i know you’re touched out. i know you cannot imagine missing this. but you will miss this. you genuinely will.

the visitors situation. a quick guide.

first baby: everyone can come. anyone. the more the better. we are so excited. it was terrible.

second baby: visiting hours exist. the slot gets filled for the day and then it is full. no exceptions.

third baby: if you come over you are washing bottles, holding the baby while i shower, or bringing me food. that is the visit. you are not here to be entertained by someone who just pushed a human out of their body.

and please stop bringing pastries. nobody who just had a baby needs cupcakes. bring frozen lasagna. bring fruit. bring a starbucks gift card. buy them a sitz bath. if you’re going to show up, be useful.

if you’re a new mom reading this: you are allowed to say no to visitors. you are allowed to set hours. you are allowed to say this is not a good day. you just had a baby. you do not owe anyone access to you or that baby right now.

what you actually need and what you don’t.

bottles. get them before the baby arrives because you genuinely do not know if you will breastfeed until you are actually doing it.

velcro swaddles only. if someone buys you one that requires actual technique just smile and donate it.

zipper onesies only. anyone who buys you snap onesies has never done snaps at 3am with a screaming baby.

the carrier. lifesaver. especially with your second and third. you put the baby in and you are basically pregnant again except your hands are free and you can actually function.

the dock a tot or snuggle me. put it in the bassinet. that huge empty bassinet is terrifying for a tiny newborn. roll up towels if you don’t have one, same thing.

a mini fridge and bottle warmer in the baby’s room. this is the tip that will change your life. cold bottle in the fridge, bottle warmer plugged in, wake up, warm it, feed the baby, back to sleep. no stairs. no kitchen at 3am. if you’re up three times a night and you save 15 minutes each time that’s almost an hour of extra sleep. it is massive.

unscented everything. dr bronner’s. that’s it.

what you don’t need: almost everything else they tell you to buy. we’ve done this five times between us. trust us.

the breast milk tips nobody told us

do not dump your breast milk. not the pump and dump milk either. save all of it.

expired breast milk in the bath for eczema. it works. we have both seen it work. don’t throw it away.

breast milk on a pimple overnight. gone by morning. sounds insane. try it.

don’t combine fresh warm milk with cold milk from the fridge until the fresh milk has cooled down first. nobody told us this. now you know.

sterilize everything for the first two months. after that the pacifier hits the floor and you put it back and that’s just parenting now.

🛍️ btw, we tried it

here is something that drives us a little crazy. every single person who comes to see a new baby brings something for the baby.

the baby is fine. the baby doesn’t know what day it is. the baby has everything it needs.

the mom is the one who just had her entire body rearranged, hasn’t slept, is running on adrenaline and love and coffee, and is wearing whatever was soft enough to put on. buy something for the mom.

we are both obsessed with the aerie sweatsuit right now. we each ordered it in five colors. FIVE. because here is the thing: when you feel like you look good even in sweats, something shifts. you feel a little more like yourself. and in the newborn stage that tiny feeling of being a human person again matters more than people realize.

buy it for yourself. buy it for your postpartum friend. bring it instead of the pastries. she will cry and she will mean it.

get the full set:
the sweater
the zip sweater
the pants
the shorts

Us in our matching sweatsuits recording an episode last season.

💬 send this to someone right now

think of one person in your life who is pregnant with their first baby or who just brought a newborn home.

send them this post. no caption. just send it. it’s everything we wish someone had put in our group chat before we needed it.

📊 the poll

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay the one that hit us hardest writing this was honestly the part about standing in that living room holding a 5 day old and feeling that grief of knowing you’ll never have that again. because we don’t talk enough about the fact that loving where your baby is now and missing who they were as a newborn can exist at the exact same time. both things are true. you’re allowed to feel both. if you felt that reading this, drop it in the comments because we know we’re not alone in it. and if you have a friend who just had a baby and is in the thick of the thunderdome right now, send her this. she needs to know it’s normal and it goes fast and both of those things are going to break her heart a little. okay we love you. have a great weekend and we will see you back here on tuesday.

xo, amanda and jessie

andi is becoming a whole person and i am not ready

okay she is SMILING. like full on, light up the room, i see you and i choose you smiling. she looks at me and just goes full beam and i turn into an absolute puddle every single time. every. single. time.

she’s in 3-6 months already and honestly looks like a 6 month old. all my kids grew like weeds and andi is absolutely continuing that tradition. she’s a big girl and she knows it and she owns it and i love it.

watching a baby become a person is genuinely one of the wildest things i have ever experienced. even the third time around. even knowing it’s coming. it still hits different every single time.

for every mom on the formula journey, this one’s for you

andi has been fully on ready to feed formula since 8 weeks when i completely stopped breastfeeding and pumping. and i want to be really honest about what happened after because i think more people need to say this out loud.

my mood completely switched.

like a light switch. i wish i was able to breastfeed for longer but i just did not produce enough milk. and the moment i stopped trying, something lifted. i felt like myself again in a way i genuinely hadn’t since before she was born. the guilt was real and it lasted about five minutes and then i was like okay. fed is fed. a mentally healthy mom is a better mom. and we moved on.

if you are sitting somewhere right now struggling with this decision, this is your sign. your baby needs you well. that’s it. that’s the whole thing.

the sleepover that broke me in the best way

the boys had their first sleepover this week with one of my best friend’s kids. they asked me to put them to bed at 6:30pm so they could start the sleepover. 6:30PM. i said sure guys, absolutely, let’s do 6:30. hahahahaha.

they did not fall asleep until 10pm. they were all up at 6:20am. i aged approximately three years in one night.

but here is the part i cannot stop thinking about. my friend’s daughter asked arlo, my almost 5 year old, to take her to the bathroom in the middle of the night because it was dark and she was scared.

and he got up. walked her to the bathroom. waited. walked her back. tucked her back into bed. and then they all fell asleep.

i don’t know why that hit me so hard but i cried about it the next morning. like that’s the little human he’s becoming. the one who shows up when someone is scared. i did not know i needed to see that but i needed to see that.

i did lagree postpartum and my core had a full breakdown

okay so context: i have been strength training twice a week. playing tennis once or twice a week. i am not a person who is just sitting on the couch. i am moving. i am showing up. i am doing the things.

and then i got on a lagree reformer machine for the first time postpartum and my body went: lol.

you really do not know how completely gone your core is after a baby until you are on a reformer machine shaking like a newborn deer trying to do what appears to be a very simple movement and your instructor is looking at you like she’s never seen anything like this before.

i needed a full week to recover. from one class. ONE class. i am 14 weeks postpartum, i work out regularly, and lagree absolutely humbled me. and i’m going back next week because apparently i enjoy suffering.

the hair. oh my god. THE HAIR.

andi hit 3 months. i hit 3 months postpartum. and my hair decided that this was the moment. this was its time to go.

the shower drain. the brush. the floor. my pillow. my hands. everywhere i look there is hair that used to be on my head and is now just. leaving. i look like a golden retriever in the middle of a full shed and i genuinely cannot make it stop.

and the worst part? i knew this was coming. i have been through this twice before with the boys. i knew EXACTLY what postpartum hair loss looks like. i thought i was prepared.

i was not prepared. i completely blocked out how bad it actually was. my brain protected me from the memory of this specific horror and then it came back and i am in the shower every morning going what the actual fuck is happening to me.

if you are in this era right now please tell me it grows back. i know it grows back. i have seen it grow back twice. i still need someone to tell me it grows back.

i hit the halfway mark and my 29 year old self would not recognize my 34 year old metabolism

okay big news. i have officially lost 20 pounds since andi was born. which means i have another 20 to go to get back to my pre baby weight. HALFWAY.

and let me be very real with you about something. losing weight at 34 after your third baby is a completely different experience than losing weight at 29 after your first and second. like not even in the same universe. my body at 29 just kind of cooperated. my body at 34 is like: interesting request. i’ll think about it.

i am strength training twice a week. i am playing tennis. i am doing lagree even though it is destroying me. i am eating well. and it is slow. and i have to keep reminding myself: two years. we said it last week. i’m living it right now. and that’s okay.

20 down. 20 to go. we’re doing it

the thing i can’t stop thinking about

some of my closest friends are just finding out they’re pregnant with their first babies. and it’s doing something to me that i did not expect.

because arlo turns 5 next month. which means if you add in the pregnancy, it has been almost 6 years since i first walked into this world of motherhood. 6 years. and i cannot believe how fast it went and i would not change a single thing.

watching my friends go through the first pregnancy experience is bringing back every single feeling from when i found out i was pregnant with arlo. and that was the most surreal moment of my entire life. because we weren’t sure it was going to happen easily for us. it took 9 months. they had to give me medication to induce a period because i hadn’t had one in four months. and when it finally happened i genuinely didn’t believe it was real.

so i wanted to give them something real. i sent them the notes i kept with each of my three pregnancies from around week 4 to week 12. every symptom. every fear. every thing i told myself was normal. three separate notes, three separate experiences, none of them exactly the same.

my girlfriend called me crying. she said it was the most helpful thing anyone had given her.

because nobody gives you the real stuff before you need it. that’s literally why we started btw. and i want to keep doing that for all of you.

and the biggest win of my entire week

ANDI IS NAPPING IN HER CRIB.

during the day. in her actual crib. like a baby who sleeps in a crib. she looks like the tiniest little mouse in there and i stood at the monitor for ten minutes just watching her sleep because i could not believe this was happening.

if you are in the will not sleep unless held era, i see you. i was you three weeks ago. it gets better. i promise it gets better.

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay i need to know two things from you this week. first: are you in the hair loss era right now and how are you coping because i need support. second: what is the thing nobody told you before you had your first baby that you wish they had? drop it in the comments because i want to build something real from your answers and i think every first time mom who finds this needs to read what you’re about to write. okay i love you all so much and i will see you back here on thursday.

xo, amanda

happy thursday!! okay this week we’ve got the real postpartum download from two moms who have been through it five times between us, a product that actually helped us heal, something to send to every new mom you know, and a poll. let’s get into it.

💬 from the group chat: what nobody told us

jessie has been through postpartum twice and is on the other side. amanda is in her third postpartum right now in real time. between us we have five completely different postpartum experiences. and the one thing they all had in common?

nobody told us anything.

not the real stuff anyway. not the stuff you actually need to know before you need it. so here it is. everything we wish someone had put in our group chat before we had to figure it out the hard way.

we did deep dives on all of this on the podcast if you want to go even further:

🎧 postpartum unfiltered — sex, weight loss, marriage, pumping

🎧 the mind f*ck that is postpartum — hormones, healing, 6 week checkups

🎧 real mom Q&A part 2 — postpartum hormones, toddler chaos, growing your family

nobody told us about the sitz bath.

not in the way it needed to be said. they hand you this little plastic thing and they’re like ‘do this’ and you’re like okay, and then you don’t do it religiously because nobody told you that if you don’t do it, your vagina will not heal properly. nobody said that. they should have said that.

first time around amanda was holding the baby on day two or three and was in so much pain she literally didn’t know what was happening. someone finally told her to get on that sitz bath and do not move for 45 minutes. and she was like why did nobody tell me this before i left the hospital.

btw, we think they should rebrand it. ‘sitz bath’ sounds like nothing. call it what it is: heal your vagina bath. if someone had told us ‘your vagina is broken, please sit in this,’ we would have done it every single time. we would have paid anything for that.

nobody told us the six week checkup was going to be a phone call.

both of us got our six week clearance over the phone during covid. are you still bleeding? no. okay you’re good. that was it. jessie literally checked herself with a mirror because nobody else was going to. amanda did the same thing with her second.

you pushed a whole human out of your body. you may have stitches. and the system is like ‘phone call, seems fine, talk to us if you have questions.’ if you had surgery and they stitched you up, you would have a post-op appointment. you would have someone check the stitches. labor is surgery. act like it.

advocate for yourself. ask to come in. don’t accept a phone call if you’re not sure you’re healing properly. you have to push for it because they are not going to push for you.

nobody told us it takes two years.

two full years. not six weeks. not three months. two years for your hormones to fully stabilize, for your body to feel like yours again, for the weight to actually move, for you to feel like yourself.

here’s the actual biology that nobody explains: while you’re breastfeeding, your body is holding onto fat on purpose. there’s a famine logic built into your hormones, like if there’s no food, you need to keep making milk, so your body conserves everything. that’s why you can eat clean and work out and walk every day and not lose a single pound. you’re not doing anything wrong. your body is doing exactly what it’s designed to do.

the second you stop breastfeeding, you lose a layer. the second your period comes back, you lose another layer. your body is slowly signaling that it’s not in baby making mode anymore and every time it gets that signal, things start to shift.

jessie was the fittest she’d ever been right before she found out she was pregnant with her second. two years. that’s what it took. and the whole time she was strength training and eating well and walking and it felt like nothing was happening. and then it happened.

amanda is 13 weeks postpartum. she has a long way to go and she knows it. and that’s okay.

this photo Jessie is 2 and a half years postpartum.

nobody told us about the boobs.

the vagina heals. the boobs are a different story.

josh (jessie’s husband) once looked at amanda in a white tank top with no bra at home and said ‘your boobs look just like jessie’s - saggy’. it was a double insult. but it was also so completely accurate. and adam tells amanda she has great looking tits and she now knows he is just a supportive husband lol.

we had a friend, literal D cups before kids. gone. smaller than jessie’s now. gone. it happens to almost everyone and almost nobody warns you. buy new bras. accept it. move on. the vagina is fine. it’s the boobs we keep coming back to.

nobody told us what postpartum would do to our marriage.

after baby one, there’s a honeymoon period. you fall in love again seeing your partner as a parent. you’re in this little bubble. it’s kind of beautiful actually.

after baby two? that’s where it gets real.

there was a three month period after jessie’s second where the word divorce was being thrown around on a weekly basis. not seriously. but also kind of seriously. you’re both tired, you’re both running on empty, you’re being pulled in a million directions, and the one thing that used to help you reconnect isn’t really available right now. and you’re both annoyed at each other and nobody’s saying it out loud.

here’s the thing we want every couple in that phase to hear: if you can keep your sex life alive, even a little, even badly, do it. because the moment you let that go completely you start sliding into roommate territory and that’s when things get genuinely hard to come back from. it doesn’t have to be perfect. it doesn’t have to be often. it just has to not be never.

and baby steps. not a fancy trip. not a big gesture. order sushi. put the kids to bed. sit on the couch together. that’s it. that’s enough for now.

nobody told us each postpartum is completely different.

five between us. not one of them was the same.

jessie didn’t have postpartum depression with her first. she had it with her second. amanda had two kids 17 months apart, january baby, hormones that never stabilized from the first pregnancy. it was a mix of mom guilt and exhaustion and identity loss and it was real and it hit hard.

amanda had the NICU with her first. that was her postpartum. in and out of the hospital, not healing properly, not doing the sitz bath, running on fear and adrenaline instead of rest.

with your second you think you know what’s coming. you don’t. with your third you think you’ve got this. you don’t. every baby is different, every recovery is different, every version of you going through it is different.

if you have postpartum depression or anxiety, go get help. meds plus therapy plus community. not just one. not just meds. all of it. and don’t be ashamed. so many of us have been there and the ones who get help come out the other side.

and if you just feel like you’re in groundhog day and nothing is moving and you’re stuck: get out of your house. strap the baby on. get in the stroller. go to the grocery store. go get your nails done. bring the baby. you cannot sit inside and wait for it to get better. you have to move through it.

🛍️ btw, we tried it

okay since we just spent this entire post talking about the sitz bath, we figured we owed you the actual link.

we have been recommending this thing for years and we will never stop. the sitz bath is the single most important postpartum recovery tool that nobody tells you about. you fill it with warm water, you sit in it, you do it every single day, and your body actually heals. costs almost nothing and makes a massive difference.

if you’re pregnant right now or you have a friend who is about to give birth, send her this link. not cute baby clothes. not a fancy gift. this. get the sitz bath. do it every single day. your vagina will actually thank you. link: shop the sitz bath here

💬 send this to a new mom right now

okay we don’t have a group chat prompt this week. instead we have a different ask.

think of one person in your life who just had a baby or is about to. send them this post. not with a ‘lol’ or a ‘this is so true.’ just send it. no explanation needed. they’ll know why you sent it.

the thing that helped us most wasn’t google or our doctors. it was each other. it was having someone text us the thing before we needed it. be that person for someone today.

📊 the poll

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay the one that hit hardest writing this was honestly the two year timeline because we feel like nobody says this out loud and then moms are sitting there at six months postpartum thinking something is wrong with them when their body hasn’t bounced back and it’s like no. two years. give yourself two years. amanda is 13 weeks in and she has a long road ahead and she knows it and she’s okay with it and we want every postpartum mom reading this to be okay with it too. drop your poll answer in the comments and if this post made even one thing feel less scary please send it to a mom friend who needs it. okay we love you. have a great weekend and we will see back here on tuesday.

xo, amanda and jessie

the hardest job with the least amount of time

being a working mom is so fucking hard. i can’t even begin to explain it.

being a mom is hard on its own. flat out. there is no more rewarding job than that. but also the hardest job i have ever had. just when i think i am figuring out my kid, they change. i change. we all fucking change. put that aside for a moment.

now bring in working. having a career is hard. balancing all the karens at the office are hard. talking about powerpoint and deliverables and climbing the corporate ladder and all that other shit is hard. if you want to be successful, you need to be on it.

now combine the two hardest things you’ve done, with the least amount of time you have ever had, and welcome to the hot mess that is a working mom. most days i feel like i am failing at everything.

the moment that wrecked me a little

but today was the cherry on top. after my nanny left, and i was alone with my kids, they both looked at me and asked for her back. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. and what that tells me is im so MIA or not present. when i asked them why, they said because she plays with us. my heart sunk. i literally think of myself as the funnest mom there ever was. and now i suck at that. i actually couldn’t believe it. yes i am lucky they have someone else that cares for them and they love. but i was so pissed.

and honestly, i dont think it matters if its a nanny or daycare or a grandparent or whoever. i think all working moms are in the same boat here. when someone else other than you is watching your kid, you feel it. you just feel it. it doesnt matter what the setup is, that feeling is the same.

on top of that, juggling work priorities is always top of mind. i am always thinking about what’s happening tomorrow. what do i need to do. how can i build. advance. go. teach. speak. etc. my brain is always on.

so all of this got me thinking. for the last few weeks, i think i have been so go go go that i have stopped being present. i am always thinking about the next thing. the next activity. the next play date. the next meeting. that i am just half here. and my kids totally called me out on it today. in some ways, im grateful this happened. because it was a wake up call.

so what did i do?

i decided to be so fucking present tonight and be in the moment with them and play every game they wanted. the best part about motherhood (at least in these early years) is that you can turn things around so quickly. you can be everything you want to be as a mom just by being yourself and not worrying about the other shit.

sometimes the reality is, all your kids want is you. they dont want the stuff. the activities. the toys. they just physically want to be in your presence doing fun random things together. and whether you are a working mom or not, i think this applies to all of us. it just took that moment today to really remind me of that.

so tonight, instead of waking up tomorrow morning stressed and starting my day with a nervous system overload, of go go go to make the coffee, make the lunches, etc, i put out a fun random activity of lining up all their dinosaurs and animals and let them come downstairs to it to remind them who the most important person in their life is, mom. no jokes aside. i did set up something fun to make them happy and see what creative play we can do in the morning. and i secretly want to be in first position again if im being brutally honest. if ever my husband gets picked ahead of me, im not pleased.

but the one thing my own working mom (and now working grandma) has taught me is to be excellent in the moment. when you are at work, you are at work. when you are home, you are home. try to compartmentalize as much as possible so that you can be fully present in whatever you are doing.

ok that’s all i got for you now. all my thoughts are really raw and honest. if you’re having some similar ones, drop them in the comments below. let’s get some other working moms on here giving us some tips and tricks.

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

ok thats all i got for you on this one. if youre in the same spiral, whether its the nanny guilt or the daycare guilt or just feeling half here, drop it in the comments. i wanna know im not the only one.

if you know a working mom who needs to hear shes not failing, send her this.

love you guys, more soon.

xx jessie

the quiet parts. said out loud.

there are things you think as a mom that you would never say in a group chat. maybe to your closest friend over wine. maybe to yourself in the car after drop off. but never out loud, never in public, never where someone might actually hear you.

we’re saying them.

🎧 we went even deeper on this one on the podcast: listen here

not everyone loves the newborn phase.

like most people are actually kind of ready for the next stage. and what everyone will make you believe is that it’s great and magical and you should be loving every second. it’s not always great. it’s sometimes pretty fucking boring and really really hard and that’s the truth.

hating the newborn phase with your first doesn’t make you a bad mom. it makes you a human who is exhausted and touched out and running on zero sleep. and if you went to a mom group and said that out loud they would absolutely shun you. which is exactly why we’re saying it here.

also: you cannot spoil a newborn. you grew and birthed a baby. your baby was inside your body for nine months. of course they want to be held. someone telling you you’re spoiling them by holding them is just wrong. full stop

the toddler stage is fucking fun. it is also exhausting, mentally draining, and if you do not have two boys in your house you are simply not living the same life as us. you’re not. we don’t care if you have one daughter who’s a little unhinged. it is genuinely not the same thing.

do you ever just look at your kid mid tantrum and think i actually kind of cannot stand you right now? yes. so many times. and then literally two minutes later they come over, give you a hug, tell you you’re their best friend forever, and you’re like... well. fuck. okay. i love you too.

mom guilt: for absolutely everything, always.

you want to work because you want to be independent and make money and be yourself. you also want to be with your kids all the time. you also want to go to the gym. you also want to have friends and go for dinner and just exist as a human being. and you feel guilty about literally all of it simultaneously.

here’s the thing nobody says out loud: sometimes working is easier. like genuinely, actually easier. you sit down, you do what you have to do, nobody’s yelling at you, you’re not negotiating with small terrorists. and feeling relieved by that does not make you a bad mom. it makes you a person.

marriage after kids: nobody’s telling the truth about this one.

movies are a fucking joke. tv shows are a fucking joke. marriage after kids is really fucking hard and the number of people who will actually say that out loud is very small.

if you’re at a dinner party and the new parents say everything is great they are either lying or they have full time help. you’re touched out, you’re exhausted, nobody’s sleeping, and the one thing that used to help you reconnect isn’t really on the table right now. and you’re both annoyed at each other all the time and that is so fucking normal.

yes the word divorce comes up in the heat of the moment sometimes. that does not mean your relationship is over. it means you are in the hardest season of your lives together and you are both completely running on empty.

it gets better. genuinely. as the baby sleeps more, as your hormones regulate, it gets better. but you do have to make the conscious decision to work on it together.

we’re not sharing any of this to judge how you’re doing it. we’re sharing it to normalize it. because we know you’re thinking the exact same things.

🛍️ btw, we tried it

okay real talk. the food battle is real. we talked about it last week, the separate meals, the mcdonald’s, all of it. and one of the things that has actually made mealtimes less of a disaster in both of our houses is Elk and Friends.

the stainless steel divided plates are in heavy rotation. every single day. the kids love them because they can see all their food separately (very important when your toddler loses their mind if things touch), and we love them because they’re stainless steel so they survive being thrown across the kitchen approximately four times a week.

the cups and tumblers are also constantly in our hands, our kids’ hands, and occasionally on the floor. they actually hold up. we’ve been through enough plastic cups that crack and leak all over everything to really appreciate something that just works.

use code BABYTHENWHAT for 10% off on Amazon: they don’t usually do Amazon discounts so this one is genuinely special. shop here

💬 drop this in your group chat

okay we need you to do this and report back immediately.

go to your group chat right now and ask:

“how many times have you had sex this month. be honest. i’ll go first.”

then come back here and tell us what happened. the answers are going to be unhinged and we need the data. this is research.

(and before anyone comes for us, yes this is related to the marriage section above. it always comes back to this.)

📊 the poll

okay be honest. which unpopular mom opinion hit closest to home?

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay the one that hit hardest for us was honestly the marriage one because we know how many of you are in it right now and not saying a word about it to anyone and we just want you to know it’s normal and it gets better and you are not alone in it. drop your poll answer in the comments and drop us your group chat results because we are DYING to know. okay we love you. see you tuesday.

xo, amanda and jessie

like i blinked. i actually blinked and somehow three months passed. she is my last baby and i am simultaneously devastated about how fast it’s going and also lowkey convinced i could have five more. which is insane. which i know is insane. but i’ll get to that.

anyway. here’s what’s actually going on in my life right now. no filter. buckle up.

the taekwondo party incident

my oldest is turning 5. FIVE. i also do not know how that happened but here we are.

i planned what i genuinely believe is an objectively amazing taekwondo birthday party. i put real effort into this. i was excited about this. i told him about it. and he looked me dead in the eyes and said:

“but i want to go to a play place for my birthday.”

i’m sorry WHAT. the audacity of a 4 turning 5 year old. i have a whole taekwondo party planned, buddy. we are doing taekwondo. lol but also i’m slightly reconsidering everything because he looked so genuinely confused about why that wasn’t what was happening and honestly? fair. he’s 5. he wants a play place. this is fine. everything is fine.

ace and andi

okay this one genuinely melts my heart every single day and i need to talk about it.

ace, my middle kid at 3.5 years old, is absolutely obsessed with andi. obsessed. he wants to hold her, he talks to her, he checks on her, he just stares at her like she hung the moon. and it is the most pure, beautiful thing i have ever witnessed in my life.

i was so nervous about how the boys were going to handle having a baby in the house. especially ace. and he just... loves her so much. every single day he does something that makes me want to cry in the best way. i did not expect this and i am so grateful for it.

trying to lose weight postpartum in an ozempic world. a fun experience.

i hate my body right now. i’m just going to say it.

i need to lose 24 pounds and nothing fits and it’s hard in a way that feels different this time. with my first it was covid so we literally did nothing and went nowhere and it didn’t matter. with my second he was born in january so i was in baggy clothes all winter and nobody saw anything. but andi? she arrived right in the thick of wedding season. events. things where you have to get dressed and look like a human person. and nothing. fits.

and here’s the thing nobody talks about enough: we are living in an ozempic world right now. like everyone around you is shrinking and it’s happening fast and nobody’s really talking about how that feels when you’re 13 weeks postpartum and your body is literally still healing and you’re doing everything right and it’s just... slow. the way bodies are supposed to work is slow. but the world doesn’t feel slow right now and that disconnect is genuinely hard to sit with.

i’m not going to pretend i’m totally fine with it because i’m not. and i think it’s okay to say that instead of pretending i’m glowing and loving every second of my postpartum body.

i’m working on it. but i’m also being honest that it’s hard.

i got botox at 8 weeks postpartum and the internet had thoughts

i posted a reel about getting botox at 8 weeks postpartum and it hit over 1.1 million views. which i genuinely did not see coming.

watch it here if you haven’t seen it:

and oh did women have opinions. the comments were something. my personal favorite was someone telling me that botox means my baby can’t read my facial expressions which apparently leads to raising a psychopath. the more ya know!

i responded: “thanks, adding ‘raises psychopath’ to my parenting wins board.” that comment got 568 likes so i think we’re all going to be okay.

there was also “is it botox over breastfeeding?” which genuinely made me laugh. like yes. for me, at 8 weeks, with three kids under five, after making the decision that was right for our family. yes. i chose botox. and i would choose it again. and andi is perfect and thriving and has a mother who feels a little bit more like herself and i think that matters.

a mom who feels human is a better mom. full stop. if botox at 8 weeks postpartum makes you feel like yourself for five minutes, do it.

andi is a snacker and she does not care about your schedule

i stopped breastfeeding at 8 weeks and i want to say that out loud because i think people need to hear it. i stopped. and it was the right decision for me and for andi and for our family. and i’m not going to feel bad about it even though for a hot second i really did. fed is fed and a rested mom is a better mom and that’s just the truth. and then i brought home a bottle snacker so the universe has a sense of humor apparently. my boys chugged their bottles. like genuinely, efficiently, done in five minutes, back to life. i thought that was just how babies worked.

andi does not chug. andi considers her options. andi takes her time. andi snacks. she’ll take a little, look around, think about it, maybe come back, maybe not. each bottle takes so long i sometimes forget we started. and she does not want to sleep unless she is being held. the second you put her down she knows. she always knows.

it’s genuinely impressive and also i am absolutely obsessed with her anyway. she can snack for as long as she wants. she’s my last baby and i will hold her through every single bottle for as long as she’ll let me.

okay here’s the real thing i’ve been sitting with this week.

she’s my last baby. and i know that. and i feel it every single day in this strange mix of grief and gratitude that i genuinely was not prepared for.

i would have five more kids. i genuinely would. and i know that’s insane and i know we’re done and i know that logically but my heart has absolutely not received that memo. every milestone she hits i feel this little pang of like... that’s the last time i’ll see a baby do that for the first time. and it’s a lot.

and then i see these women who have their last baby and they just KNOW. like immediately. they’re like i am done, my family is complete, i have never been more sure of anything in my life. and i am so jealous of them. like genuinely. HOW. how do you just know and feel good about it? because i feel good about it and also devastated about it simultaneously and i don’t think that ever fully goes away.

why are we like this? why do some of us always want one more? is it the baby smell? is it the newborn snuggles? is it just that your heart grows every single time and now you can’t imagine stopping? i don’t have the answer. i just know that andi turned three months old this past saturday and i already miss her being a newborn and she’s still right here.

three kids under five is a lot. it is genuinely, honestly, a lot. and i am tired and my body doesn’t feel like mine and nothing fits. and also i am so full. like so stupidly full of love for these three little people that it actually kind of hurts.

nobody warned me it would feel like this. like all of it, all at once, all the time.

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay the thing that hit me hardest writing this was honestly the ‘i would have five more’ thing because i think so many of us feel this way and nobody really talks about it. like the grief of being done even when you know you’re done is a real thing and it deserves to be said out loud. if you’re in your postpartum era right now and nothing fits and you feel like you’re the only one not bouncing back, you are not alone. and if you also feel like you could have five more babies even though that is absolutely not happening, drop a comment because i need to know i’m not alone in this. tag a friend who gets it. okay see you thursday.

xo, amanda

happy thursday!! okay today we've got the things we said we'd never do as moms (lol), a product we are genuinely obsessed with, something to drop in your group chat, and a poll that is going to make you feel very seen. let's get into it.

before we had kids, both of us had a LOT of audacity.

we had plans. we had standards. we had loud opinions about other people’s parenting that we said directly to other humans’ faces. we were going to run a tight ship. our kids were going to eat at the table. no screen time. no junk food. no bribing. no co sleeping. we had READ things.

hahahahahahahaha.

every single thing we said we weren’t going to do? we’ve done it. every single one. so today we’re dragging our pre-baby selves into the light and we are not even a little bit sorry.

1. screen time

no TV until they’re at least 3. very firm. very serious. not negotiable.

and then one bad day hit and someone mentioned dancing vegetables on youtube and listen. we were both into it. sitting there watching the broccoli do its thing in complete silence. it was genuinely the most peaceful either of us had felt in weeks.

here’s what we actually learned: what they watch matters way more than how much they watch. ditch the cocomelon. ditch the fast paced overstimulating stuff. blue’s clues. arthur. bear in the big blue house. slow it down. and look, we know cocomelon is basically baby crack. it’s designed to be impossible to look away from. the old shows were slower because kids’ brains needed slower. still do.

p.s. by the third kid one of us had love island on after bedtime and the baby was right there beside her watching every second and absolutely loving it. as if we would have ever allowed the older kids near a screen at her age. third kid just hits different. we don't make the rules.

also if YOU are on your phone, your kid is going to want a screen. that’s just physics.

survival mode is not failing. write that down.

2. the food thing

no mcdonald’s. no separate meals. they eat what we eat or they don’t eat.

lol.

the last time we had mcdonald’s was sunday. we’re not saying who asked for it.

the separate meals thing is what really got us. our moms didn’t do this. if we didn’t eat, that was it. so why can’t we do that? because we are SUCKS. complete people pleasing sucks who cannot physically sit there and watch our kids not eat. we tried. we failed. we made the separate meal. moving on.

give yourself grace on this one. pick your battles. this is one you’re going to lose and that’s okay.

3. discipline

we were going to be calm. patient. zen. gentle parenting all the way.

we lose our shit approximately four to seven times a day.

the police thing. okay. so. there was a bedtime. no other adult in the house. everything had been tried. and then: ‘if you do not go to your room right now i am calling the police.’ they bolted. silence. we felt like complete assholes. but also they went to bed. we’ve done it five more times since then.

does it make us bad moms? genuinely don’t think so. does it work? yes. are we stopping? absolutely not.

also: time out works perfectly on one kid and means literally nothing to the other one. one of ours sat in the chair smiling like we’d suggested a fun new game. the other one told us he was going to give himself a time out. so.

4. bribing

we used to judge this. fully, openly, out loud judged parents who bribed their kids.

we now bribe our children constantly and without shame. at a wedding recently: ‘if you come and take a picture you will get a coke.’ he calls it coke emotion now. we don’t know why. it works. we’re doing it.

you are surviving in the moment. welcome to reality.

5. co sleeping

absolutely not. the sleep trainers say no. their own room. their own crib. goodnight.

when our partners are out of town, we are sleeping with our kids. because it works. nobody has to run downstairs at 3am. everyone sleeps. the occasional kick in the head is genuinely worth it.

your baby was inside your body for nine months. of course they want to be near you. if it works for your family, do it and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it.

the one that surprised us the other way

everyone said when you have kids your life is over. we braced for it.

and then we were genuinely surprised to find out that... it’s not? we still travel. we still go out. we still do things. you just bring your kids. it’s more chaotic and involves a lot more snacks but it’s still your life. not everything on this list is a loss. some of it is just different.

here’s what we want you to take from all of this:

don't say this stuff out loud before you have kids. say it in your head. you will have egg on your face. and if you're reading this going OH MY GOD SAME, you are not a bad mom. you are surviving. that is the whole entire job

okay. confession list complete. now for the good stuff.

🛍️ btw, we tried it

speaking of ages and stages, we want to talk about something that we have loved through all our stages, the Lovevery play kit.

if you have a baby or a toddler and you haven’t heard of this, it’s a subscription that sends you age specific toys and activities designed by child development experts. and before you roll your eyes, we rolled ours too. and then we tried it.

the thing that actually got us is that it takes the mental load of ‘am i stimulating my baby enough’ completely off the table. everything in the kit is designed for exactly where your kid is developmentally that month. no googling. no trying to figure out what’s age appropriate. it just shows up and you open it and your kid loses their mind over it.

the honest review: worth it. especially in those early months when you have zero capacity to think about anything beyond survival. shop lovevery here thank us later!!!

💬 drop this in your group chat

okay we need everyone to do this and report back.

go to ChatGPT right now and type exactly this:

“what fictional character am i most like? just give me the name, no explanation.”

then screenshot it and send it to your group chat. that’s it. we promise the conversation that follows will be unhinged in the best way.

ours:

amanda → phoebe buffay. completely unhinged in the best way. somehow always right. we’re not elaborating.

jessie → lorelai gilmore. runs on coffee, talks too fast, makes it work anyway. checks out.

drop yours in the comments. we genuinely need to know.

📊 the poll

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

okay the one that got us the most was honestly the separate meals thing because we truly cannot believe we became those parents and yet here we are making two dinners every single night lol. drop your poll answer in the comments and tell us the specific thing you swore you’d never do because we know you have one and we know it’s good. and if you know a mom who is currently on her righteous high horse about how she’s going to parent, send her this. she needs it more than she knows. okay we love you. see you tuesday.

xo, amanda and jessie

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if you don't know us, hi, we're amanda and jessie. one of us is deep in toddler chaos and the other one is navigating a newborn plus her older boys, and somehow that combination of chaos is exactly why this works. we talk through everything on the podcast already but there's a lot that doesn't fit into an episode. the random texts. the stuff we think but don't say out loud until we're already three voice memos deep. that's what this is for.

every week you’ll get two posts from us, all landing free in your inbox. tuesdays are personal, one of us drops a weekly roundup of what’s actually going on in our life that week plus a deeper dive into one real thing we’re navigating. thursdays we show up together with the group chat stuff, the unpopular opinions, the honest reviews.

we’re so glad you’re here. seriously. nobody else is doing this. let’s go.

Things We Think But Don’t Often Say Out Loud

ok real talk we’ve been sitting on this idea for way too long and we’re just nervous/excited to finally hit publish lol. if you’ve got a topic you want us to cover first, tell us in the comments, we’re genuinely asking. if you know a mom friend who needs this in her inbox, send her this link. ok byeeee talk soon

xo, amanda and jessie

We kick things off by looking back on everything this season was. Amanda had a baby. We recorded in the Bahamas and took a pregnancy test on camera. First-time moms kept reminding us that every journey is different but the feelings are universal. And you guys kept us honest every single week,  the good feedback, the bad feedback, and everything in between. We love you for it.

Then we get into the Q&A,  the questions you texted, Googled at 2am, and slid into our DMs.

This week we're answering:

• The 1–2 year old stage:  what it's really like and how to survive it

• What life with three kids is actually like right now

• Is 2 under 2 as terrible as everyone says? (Spoiler: not really)

• Toddler tantrums:  how to get through them without losing your mind

• Daycare doing things you don't love when it's your only option

• Pregnant with a one-year-old:  how to manage

• Gestational diabetes : our experience and what helped

• SSRIs during pregnancy:  what you guys told us

• Earliest pregnancy symptoms (implantation cramps, Dorito cravings, we've heard it all)

• Positive ovulation tests before a missed period:  and what that might mean

• What to actually do to prepare for baby #2 (hint: build your team)

• Breastfeeding in public: our honest take (it changed a lot between kid one and three)

• Postpartum hair loss: when it starts, when it ends, does it ever end?

• Sex after baby:  realistic timelines and what actually affects it

• How do you know when you're done having kids?

• What to do when you desperately want another baby but your partner is done

• Would we ever do a live tour or meet-and-greet? (We're thinking Montreal and Miami 👀)

Plus,  we have news. We're taking a summer break and will be back in September with new guests, our husbands returning, topics we've never covered, and a few surprises. Our Substacks are launching this summer with bonus Q&As, product reviews, personal stories, and things that don't always fit into a podcast format. And merch, BTW merch or Pregnant Bitches merch? We need your vote.

Thank you for Season 5. Genuinely. See you in September. ❤️

Please follow and subscribe on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, and Instagram,  it makes a bigger difference than you know and helps us keep making this show for you!

👶 New here? Baby Then What is the podcast for moms in the stage after the newborn bubble, when everyone stops checking on you but things somehow get harder. 

🔔 Subscribe so you never miss an episode! 

🎧 New episodes every Thursday. Follow ⁠⁠⁠@baby.then.what⁠⁠⁠ for real motherhood, pregnancy, and postpartum conversations without the fluff. 

💛 Book a 1:1 call with us for registry help, postpartum support, or a safe place to vent, every call includes free resources.

⁠⁠⁠Amazon Faves⁠⁠⁠ 

Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠@baby.then.what⁠⁠⁠ 

YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠Baby Then What⁠⁠⁠ 

Resources & Free Guides: ⁠⁠⁠www.babythenwhat.com⁠⁠⁠ 

More Shopping Fun: ⁠⁠⁠https://shopmy.us/shop/babythenwhat⁠⁠

In this episode of Baby Then What, Amanda and Jessie tackle your most-submitted postpartum questions: Is it normal not to feel instant love with your baby? Why does mom guilt never go away? Why do you secretly resent your partner postpartum? And what's the real difference between a night nurse and a mother's helper?

This is the unfiltered Q&A you've been asking for,  the stuff nobody prepares you for, answered honestly.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Is it normal not to feel instant love with your baby?

• Why you might miss your old life (even when you love being a mom)

• The truth about resenting your partner postpartum

• Mom guilt: why it never actually ends

• Feeding guilt, breast, formula, combo, and why it hits so hard

• What to actually ask your village for help with

• Night nurse vs. mother's helper: what's the difference and which one you need

• How to ask for help without feeling like a failure

• The identity shift no one warns you about after baby #2

• When you actually start feeling like yourself again (and if you ever fully do)

• Pregnancy and birth in your 30s vs your 20s

• The first time going out postpartum,  what it's really like

👶 New here? Baby Then What is the podcast for moms in the stage after the newborn bubble - when everyone stops checking on you but things somehow get harder.

🔔 Subscribe so you never miss an episode! 🎧 New episodes every Thursday. Follow @baby.then.what for real motherhood, pregnancy, and postpartum conversations without the fluff.

💛 Book a 1:1 call with us for registry help, postpartum support, or a safe place to vent - every call includes free resources.

Follow @baby.then.what for daily mom chaos. Amazon Faves Instagram: @baby.then.what YouTube: Baby Then What Resources & Free Guides: www.babythenwhat.com | stan.store/babythenwhat More Shopping Fun: shopmy.us/shop/babythenwhat

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So we made the episode. This week Amanda and Jessie get into everything that actually happens to your relationship when you have kids, and nobody warns you about. The tier one tier two love shift the moment you hold your baby. The mental load and why just saying "how can I help" doesn't cut it. Why you're both exhausted and both think the other has it easier.

The new category of fighting that only exists when you have kids, because now everything is a decision. The touched out conversation and why mat leave and work life are two completely different worlds that are suddenly supposed to merge at 6pm. What real connection actually looks like when you have zero time. And what to actually say to the couple who is really struggling right now, not the therapist answer, the honest one. Plus: we are bringing the husbands back on in September. Comment if you want it.

👶 New here? Baby Then What is the podcast for moms in the stage after the newborn bubble, when everyone stops checking on you but things somehow get harder. 

🔔 Subscribe so you never miss an episode! 

🎧 New episodes every Thursday. Follow ⁠⁠⁠@baby.then.what⁠⁠⁠ for real motherhood, pregnancy, and postpartum conversations without the fluff. 

💛 Book a 1:1 call with us for registry help, postpartum support, or a safe place to vent, every call includes free resources.

⁠⁠⁠Amazon Faves⁠⁠⁠ 

Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠@baby.then.what⁠⁠⁠ 

YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠Baby Then What⁠⁠⁠ 

Resources & Free Guides: ⁠⁠⁠www.babythenwhat.com⁠⁠⁠ 

More Shopping Fun: ⁠⁠⁠https://shopmy.us/shop/babythenwhat⁠

From the first time they shove the baby on your boob in the hospital, to latching, supply issues, engorgement, mastitis, the boob vibrator that saved Amanda's life, and the combo trifecta that nobody warns you is completely exhausting.

We also get into what actually tanks your supply, why you're not losing the baby weight while breastfeeding, the pumping hack most people don't know about, and the one question every mom asks, when is it okay to stop? No judgment here. Just the real stuff.

👶 New here? Baby Then What is the podcast for moms in the stage after the newborn bubble, when everyone stops checking on you but things somehow get harder. 

🔔 Subscribe so you never miss an episode! 

🎧 New episodes every Thursday. Follow ⁠⁠@baby.then.what⁠⁠ for real motherhood, pregnancy, and postpartum conversations without the fluff. 

💛 Book a 1:1 call with us for registry help, postpartum support, or a safe place to vent, every call includes free resources.

⁠⁠Amazon Faves⁠⁠ 

Instagram: ⁠⁠@baby.then.what⁠⁠ 

YouTube: ⁠⁠Baby Then What⁠⁠ 

Resources & Free Guides: ⁠⁠www.babythenwhat.com⁠⁠ 

More Shopping Fun: ⁠⁠https://shopmy.us/shop/babythenwhat⁠

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