So I’m doing the thing I never do, which is answering all of it in one place. Cost, hours, what she can do, what she can’t, and the one mistake I see busy moms make over and over that wrecks the whole arrangement before it even gets started. Fair warning, this is long. It’s basically everything I know about this role, stuffed into one post, because I’d rather you have too much information than not enough before you spend real money on this. Save it, screenshot it, send it to the friend who keeps asking you how this whole thing works.

“What is a house manager?” & “Is that what I need?”

A little background on outsourcing, in general. We outsource to get our time back & get help doing things in our lives to give us more time to do another thing. Plain and simple.

^{This is what outsourcing is all about for me. More time with these precious people. & more time to take care of my patients & teach residents!}

Outsourcing is broken down in to 3 buckets:

• Tangible help (laundry, dishes, picking up the grocery order)

  • Roles that fit: House Manager, Mother’s Helper (sometimes known as Family Assistant)

• Mental load help (planning a grocery order, scheduling appointments for Thursdays only, and putting dates from the school newsletter into the calendar)

  • Roles that fit: Family Virtual Assistant, House Manager

• Childcare help (watching kiddos, taking them to the park, etc.).

  • Roles that fit: Nanny, Part-Time Nanny, Au Pair, Babysitter; Mother’s Helper can also fill in occasionally here

House managers are awesome because they should be able to address BOTH tangible help + mental load help buckets in your outsourcing needs.

Common pitfall: When people try to hire someone to do all 3 buckets. In the same way that an employee would likely not be great at accounting, marketing, and inventing… a household employee is likely fabulous at 1 or maybe 2 of those buckets, but not all 3.

A house manager runs your household operations. Errands, bills, scheduling, vendor coordination, errands, changing out seasonal decor, meal prepping, keeping the whole machine moving without you having to build her a list every single week. The entire value of the role is that she manages. You’re not managing her managing, if that makes sense. You tell her the outcome you want and she figures out the how. It’s AUTONOMY and you’re paying her a higher price because she figures it out on her own.

Common pitfall: For a true house manager, you should never have to “make a list” for them to do. They will walk around your house once for introductions, and get to work. Someone who requires you to “make a list” is not autonomous and should not be paid at the level a house manager is - that is a “mother’s helper” or a “house assistant.”

***If what you’re picturing is someone who watches your kids while working through a to-do list you hand her, because you can’t quite #letitgo, that’s a mother’s helper, not a house manager, and she’ll cost you a fraction of the price because you’re still doing the managing part. If you’re picturing someone who deep cleans your house top to bottom every week, that’s a housekeeper, and again, different role, different rate, different person entirely.

Okay. Assuming it’s a house manager you’re after, here’s everything else!

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“What does a house manager cost?”

This is what everyone actually wants to know first, so let’s not bury it under three sections of throat clearing. Most house managers run $25 to $50 an hour, depending on your market and her experience level. Adjust for your city accordingly, and don’t just copy a number you saw in a Facebook group without checking what’s normal where you live. Care.com and Facebook Groups can be a good place to start.

A few things that move that number around:

• Experience level. Someone new to house management, even if she’s fantastic, should be paid like someone early in her house management career. Someone with five years of running households at this level costs more, and she’s usually worth it because she needs less oversight from you.

  VERY Common pitfall: A nanny transitioning to house management would be a great experienced “childcare help” bucket, but not experienced in the “house manager” bucket. Many families try to transition their nanny to a house manager and have flawed expectations of amazing childcare translating to amazing house management. Either 1) adjusting expectations and pay for that of *inexperienced house management, 2) changing the title to “Mother’s Helper” to reflect both an hourly rate and job description of tangible help from a checklist + occasional childcare, or 3) simply parting ways and finding a new individual to fill the role can often feel more in line and be less frustrating with your new phase in life.

• Full time vs. part time. A true house manager role usually starts around 15-20 hours a week minimum. Below that and you’re closer to a helper role, not a manager role, and the pricing should reflect that.

• W2 vs. 1099. This one trips people up constantly, and I want to be really direct about it. If you control her hours, her methods, and how the work gets done (which, as a house manager, you usually do), she’s legally a W2 employee, not a contractor. That means payroll taxes on your end and more admin than just Venmo-ing her every Friday. A lot of families skip this step because it feels like extra work, and it comes back to bite them later, either with the IRS or with her, if she finds out she should’ve had taxes withheld the whole time. If you don’t control her hours or the specifics with which she performs her duties, and/or if she has other positions with other families, she may be a 1099.

• Placement services. If you pay an agency to find and vet someone for you, budget around $6,000. That’s not a typo. (P.S. What nobody tells you is agencies are searching the exact same places you could search yourself! There’s no secret Rolodex of unicorn house managers they’re pulling from.)

Common Pitfall: Don’t forget to budget for raises. If she’s excellent and you want to keep her for years (which, trust me, you do, good house managers are worth fighting to retain), plan on revisiting her rate annually, not waiting for her to ask.

“What kind of hours do they work?”

15-25 hours a week is the sweet spot for most families I talk to. Enough for her to actually own the household instead of just reacting to it, not so much that you’re paying full time wages.

Full time, meaning 30 to 40 hours, makes sense if you have multiple kids, a bigger house, or a schedule that’s genuinely unmanageable without daily hands on deck. If you’re a two working parent household with three plus kids in activities, don’t be surprised if you land here. If you’ve got several contractors / vendors / people in and out of your house weekly (landscapers, pool people, housekeeper, nanny, etc.) you may also land here if they’re helping you manage all of these.

Set hours vs. flexible hours is a conversation you need to have up front, not figure out three months in when you’re both frustrated. Some house managers want a predictable Tuesday through Friday, 9 to 2. Others are fine with a flexible retainer where the hours shift week to week based on what’s going on. Neither is wrong, but you both need to agree on it before day one, in writing, not just as a vibe you both assumed you were on the same page about.

Common Pitfall: When advertising to hire someone, think about what you can bend on and what is non-negotiable. For example: Our family can bend on the day the house manager comes; doesn’t matter to us if it’s Monday or Thursday. What we do care about? That it’s somewhere between the hours of 8-2:30 while our kids are at school- once they’re home we like our family time and don’t want anyone else around. So we make SURE to include this in our prompt when hiring so we don’t attract anyone who that doesn’t fit.

“Soooo… what does a house manager do?”

This is the part people underestimate, mostly because half of it is invisible (…until it stops happening). Remember a house manager can accomplish both tangible help + mental load help.

Tangible load is the stuff you can see and check off a list.

• Grocery runs

• Dry cleaning drop off and pickup

• Meeting the HVAC guy

• Restocking the pantry with more snacks

• Meeting the landscaper

• Chopping up vegetables for dinner that night

• Running errands you’d otherwise burn your lunch break on (looking at you, Amazon returns).

Mental load is the stuff that lives in your brain!

Look at that list above- here’s the mental load part associated with EACH of those items.

• Prepping and putting in the grocery list to the pickup app

• Calling around the neighborhood and researching a good dry cleaning place that isn’t going to shrink shirts or cost a fortune

• Perusing the local mom facebook groups (you know the ones I’m talking about) to find out who the best HVAC people are in town

• Realizing when the snacks have run out and actually need to be replaced

• Comparing landscape company pricing across the region and how long they will replace plants for

• Creating a meal plan based on family preferences / allergies

• Finding the Amazon order and creating the return barcode

Also part of the mental load? Remembering the car registration is due before it’s overdue. Noticing the school supply list came out —> then placing the order. Keeping fifteen small threads (the pediatrician follow up, the school form, the birthday gift for the kid whose party is Saturday) from ever becoming your problem. This is the part that, when it’s missing, makes you feel like you’re drowning even though “everything’s technically fine” on paper.

A great house manager holds both of these at once. That’s the whole job. That’s why she’s worth what she costs, and it’s also exactly why adding a third thing on top of it breaks the whole system.

“Can a house manager watch my kids too?”

Here’s the thing I want you to walk away from this post with, more than anything else.

A house manager is a professional at tangible load and mental load. That’s her lane, and a great one is genuinely excellent in it. The second you add childcare into that same role, meaning she’s now also watching your kids while trying to manage the house, you haven’t gotten a two for one deal. You’ve split her attention across three jobs instead of two, and something has to give.

I’ve watched this play out with friends more times than I can count. They hire a “house manager” but the job description quietly includes afterschool pickup and watching the kids until dinner. For a few weeks it looks fine. Then the mental load stuff starts slipping first, because it’s invisible and doesn’t have an immediate consequence the day it’s missed. The bill doesn’t get paid until it’s late. The appointment doesn’t get scheduled until you’re the one who’s annoyed nobody did it. Meanwhile she’s also trying to keep a five year old from climbing the bookshelf. None of that is her failing at the job. That’s you asking one person to be excellent at three very different skill sets simultaneously, and watching all three slowly start to slack instead of one thing (maaaaaybe 2) being done really, really well.

If you need childcare covered too, that’s a completely valid and normal need. It just means you’re looking for a different role (mother’s helper), or a second person (part time nanny + house manager)… not asking your house manager to stretch into something she wasn’t hired, trained, or priced to do. Being honest, to yourself and in the job posting, saves everyone months of disappointment.

“What could a typical week look like?”

People ask me this a lot too, so here’s a rough sketch; not a rigid template, just so you have something concrete to picture instead of a vague idea of “she manages stuff.”

Monday might be grocery pickup, a returns run, and confirming the two vendor appointments booked for later in the week. Tuesday could be meeting the HVAC guy, unloading and putting away an Amazon order that’s been sitting in the garage for a week, and a school form that needed a signature three days ago she lays on the counter and flags for us to sign. Wednesday, maybe nothing dramatic at all, just changing sheets on all the beds, restocking the waters in the fridge from the garage, tidying the mail pile, texting you two quick questions instead of ten. Thursday could be prepping for a weekend trip, confirming the pet sitter, picking up dry cleaning. Friday, closing out the week- finishing laundry, throwing something in the crock pot for dinner, and emailing the doctor’s office that you need to reschedule your mammogram because something came up.

(Notice what’s not in there? Nobody’s watching a kid the whole time. Nobody’s scrubbing your baseboards. That’s the job, done well, and it’s honestly a little boring to describe because the whole point is that you shouldn’t be thinking about any of it while it’s happening!!)

“How do I interview for the position?”

I’m not going to give you a huge interview script breakdown here (that actually lives in this post!), but a few questions tend to separate a real house manager from someone who’s calling herself one without the actual experience.

• “Walk me through how you’d handle a week where three things go wrong at once.” You’re listening for whether she prioritizes and problem solves on her own, or waits to be told what to do.

• “What systems have you used to track household tasks in past roles?” A real answer sounds specific. A vague answer is a flag.

• “Tell me about a time you had to manage a vendor or contractor without the family involved at all.” This tells you how autonomous she actually is under pressure, not just on a good day.

• “What is your ‘zone of genius?’ And what stuff do you not really thrive in?” If the candidate has good insight and is self-aware about prior positions and their own personality traits that make them great at some things and less great at others- they’ll be able to answer this quickly. “I love everything!” is always a red flag to me. Nobody likes everything. :)

“What things is a house manager not expected to do?”

• Full time childcare, for all the reasons above; or even part-time childcare on a regular basis

• Deep cleaning, that’s a housekeeper’s job and a genuinely different skill set; wiping counters or sweeping floors is one thing - but cleaning toilets and bathtubs is another.

• Read your mind. This is a tough one- because yes, they should have autonomy and take OFF the mental load from you. But you also need to know that they’ll have occasional moments of not doing it “your way” - it is GOING to happen and it’s NOT the end of the world and you have to COMMUNICATE how you want it done next time. I’m a notoriously Type A “like it my way” surgeon… and this last part was the hardest for me- but no good house manager is going to want to stay employed by you if you have unfair expectations.

“What should I consider before I post the job?”

A few questions worth answering honestly before you write a single word of a job description. Also? Involve your partner if at all possible. Mismatched expectations of budget + responsibilities lead to problems early on.

• How many hours a week do I actually need?

  • If you’re hiring a true house manager, they’re likely going to want at least 15-20. But maybe you need more?

  • If you need something closer to 5-10 hours of tangible help, you may want to consider having a mother’s helper instead; or a combo mother’s helper + family virtual assistant if you’d like some mental load help, too.

• Am I looking for someone autonomous, or am I still hoping to hand her a list every Monday?

  • Be honest. Some people genuinely do want to hand a to-do list to someone. That’s okay!! It’s actually way less expensive to do so. Plan on hiring a mother’s helper instead; they’ll cost less money and your house manager won’t be frustrated for being micromanaged.

• Is my budget realistic for my market, or did I anchor on a number I saw in a Facebook group three states away?

  • Very important. You need to offer reasonable compensation for someone who can perform at the level you’re looking for. At the same time- this is your family’s hard earned money, so don’t employ someone who’s not meeting your expectations.

“Where do I find a house manager?”

I wrote an entire post on this exact topic. The free posting on Instagram, why Care.com still works if you use it right, the LinkedIn trick almost nobody thinks to try, and the one trap to avoid if someone’s coming from a nanny background instead of an actual house management background. I’m not going to repeat all of it here since you can just go read it, but I’ll link it below because it genuinely covers the how to find part better than I could summarize in a paragraph.

Where to find a house manager

“Pivot!!” The secret pro-tip no one realizes.

(Friends episodes, anyone?!) Okay, saving this for last because I think it’s the most underrated piece of this whole conversation, and almost nobody talks about it.

A family virtual assistant, or “FVA”, is someone who handles mental load remotely. Research, scheduling, vendor sourcing, digital coordination, the kind of work that doesn’t require a body in your house.

On her own, an FVA is a great entry point if you’re not ready for the ongoing employment of a house manager, but you desperately need the mental load off your plate. Usually a fraction of the price, since there’s no in-person time built into the rate at all.

“But Brittany… I need TANGIBLE HELP AT HOME TOO!!!!” Girl, I know!

So here’s where it gets really good, and it’s the part I think more families should be doing. If you have a house manager- pairing her with an FVA doesn’t split the work, it multiplies it. The FVA handles the planning and research side (finding the right contractor, comparing quotes, building the birthday party guest list & invitation and ordering the cake, digging into confusing school forms) so your house manager isn’t spending her precious in-person hours sitting on a laptop doing research she could’ve been executing. She just shows up and does. Her hours go further because someone already did the thinking part for her before she ever walked in the door.

Consider this example of synergistic help for a birthday party:

Family Virtual Assistant plans the party, books the venue, orders the balloons, creates a custom order for a cake, has decorations shipped to you.

House Manager then has time to set up the venue, pick up the balloons, pick up and deliver the cake, and clean up afterwards.

That’s the synergistic help piece nobody talks about. It’s not house manager OR family virtual assistant. Sometimes it’s both, working in tandem, and your household runs better for it than either one alone ever could.

And if you decided a house manager is a little too much right now? Not someone that’s a good fit for your outsourcing needs just yet? A family virtual assistant (for your mental load help) and a mother’s helper (for your tangible help) is a STELLAR option, too. (P.S. The FVA could even do the work of hiring the mother’s helper and managing her for you!)

“What’s my next step?”

Because I’m all about actionable next steps (it’s the surgeon in me, I can’t help myself)… Choose your own adventure!

1. You’re sold on hiring a house manager. Yay!

   Check out this page on exactly where to go find one.

   Want access to hiring kits that can help you save time hiring yourself? Go here.

2. You think you may want to outsource your tangible load or mental load. But not sure about House Manager vs. Family virtual assistant vs. Mother’s helper vs. Housekeeper?

   Check out our Time Delegation Matrix to see what options exist & what they cost.

3. You definitely want to learn more about hiring a family virtual assistant, and some other things they could do for you?

   Check out a list of 100 Things my FVA Did For Me. (and could do for you!)

4. Wish you had someone you could just shoot a text to and be like “Girl - I think this is what I need but I’m not really sure?”

   Book an outsourcing strategy session with me, and we’ll map it out together, specific to your family, and figure out your next steps together.

   To receive more posts from Dr. Brittany Bankhead, MD, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

I’m Dr. Brittany Bankhead - trauma surgeon, wife, mom of two, and founder of Modern Mom Alchemy - a company built on Optimizing the Science of Modern Motherhood with real, actionable solutions to the problems moms have been dealing with for forever. Check us out at: modernmomalchemy.com

Within a few weeks, she started no-showing. Slacking off. We found out later she’d already been actively interviewing for another position and didn’t even care about getting a reference from us on her way out. She kept our booster seat too, the nice one. To two broke residents, losing that felt genuinely devastating at the time.

Looking back, the moment she asked for that raise and we hesitated (instead of feeling an immediate HECK YES), that was the tell. We just didn’t know to read it that way yet

^{The thought of firing anyone used to make me feel like that little guy in the ground on the left lol. But it doesn’t have to feel that way, I promise!}

This post is two things: the framework for actually knowing WHEN it’s time to let go, and the potential legal implications of letting an employee go. Both of those trip people up, and getting either one wrong is expensive. (One in dollars, one in trust.)

Read more

And honestly? That was a WIN for everyone, including her. We saved our kids from being stuck inside with someone who’d rather not be outside. We saved her from a job that would’ve had her doing the thing she liked least, every single day. One honest answer… to one specific question… saved all of us from many months of frustration or sub-par childcare.

I’ve also interviewed candidates for house help who told me they felt uncomfortable making a decision until they had my sign-off first; “I feel more comfortable when I know that it’s something that the family wants me to do!”. For some families, that’s exactly what you want. A double-checker! For us? Absolutely not. We needed someone who’d see something needed doing and just... do it. Not text me first. Not wait for confirmation. That answer alone told me it wasn’t a fit, before we ever got to a trial run.

This is the whole reason I take interviews seriously, and why I use the same core set of questions no matter who I’m hiring for (nanny, house manager, mother’s helper, FVA, doesn’t matter). The right questions don’t just tell you what someone’s good at. They tell you where the friction is going to be, before you’ve hired them and it’s your problem.

^{This is a photo of the absolute best latte of my life - S’mores latte at Gala Bakery & Desserts in Old Village outside of Charleston, SC. This is what I would much rather be doing with my time!}

At Modern Mom Alchemy we have a big question bank specifically for our customers to pick and choose from when they’re hiring. Today we’re sharing some of the heavy hitters from that go-to bank, organized by what each set is actually trying to uncover! (I’ll do role-specific interview guides, nanny vs. house manager vs. FVA, in upcoming posts in the future. Today is just the universal stuff every interview should include, no matter who’s sitting across from you in person or virtually.)

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Getting the real picture (not the resume version)

• Tell me about yourself and your background.

• What kind of roles have you had that are similar to this one?

• What drew you to this kind of work?

• How would your previous employers or clients describe you?

• What kind of families do you work best with?

(These are throat-clearing questions, sure, but listen for the answer underneath the answer. How self-aware are they about their own working style? It also helps to break the ice a little bit and warm everyone up!)

**REALLY IMPORTANT QUESTION SET #1: Zone of genius

• What are you really great at? What’s your “zone of genius”?

• What are you not great at, or what do you not enjoy doing?

I push HARD on this one. Nobody is good at everything, and nobody enjoys everything, and if someone tells you they do, that’s not confidence, that’s a red flag. The nanny who told me she preferred indoor play over outdoor play wasn’t failing an interview. She was doing the interview exactly right. This is the single most important pair of questions on this whole list. Don’t skip it.

**REALLY IMPORTANT QUESTION SET #2: Excited vs. nervous vibes

• What makes you excited about this job?

• What makes you nervous or uncomfortable about it?

This one gets you further than “what are your strengths” ever will. Excitement tells you what they’ll actually bring energy to. Nervousness tells you what they might avoid, procrastinate on, or quietly need more support with. Both are useful. Neither one is disqualifying on its own (unless what makes them nervous is, like, the actual job).

**Also important? Autonomy and proactivity (*if applicable, and if you want it)

• If you notice something that needs to be done, do you ask permission first or go ahead and do it?

• How do you prioritize when everything feels important?

• Tell me about a time you noticed something slipping through the cracks and fixed it without being asked.

This is where my house-help candidate got weeded out. Needing sign-off on every little decision isn’t a character flaw, it’s just a mismatch for a family that needs someone to run with things. Ask this before you hire, not three weeks in when you’re annoyed you’re still being asked permission to reorder paper towels.

A little aside on this: Be honest with yourself about what you want vs. what you need. If you would be irritated they ordered paper towels with you, then hire someone who is going to confirm and is okay with NOT being autonomous!

**Another important one: Communication and feedback

• How do you like to check in, texting, a shared doc, a quick call?

• How do you handle feedback or a request to change how something’s done?

• What kind of direction helps you do your best work: detailed lists, open-ended goals, or a mix?

Get this wrong and you’ll spend more energy managing the relationship than the actual household. Get it right and it basically runs itself.

**Last important one: Flip it back to them

• Do you have any questions for me about the role or how the household runs?

• Is there anything you’d need from us to feel set up for success?

• What does a great working relationship with a family look like to you?

The best candidates always have questions. If someone has zero questions for you, that’s worth noticing too.

Using the same core questions every time so you’re actually comparing candidates against each other and not just going on vibes (& if you’ve been here long enough… you do know that I LOVE vibes. But you gotta have the ability to standardize what you’re able to pull out of these interviews).

If you want the full hiring kit (job post samples, scoring rubrics and full question bank, offer letters, sample contracts and NDA’s, the works), that’s all sitting inside Time Alchemy, already built for you! Check it out here: modernmomalchemy.com/time-alchemy

In coming months, I’ll break these down role by role, because what you’re listening for in a nanny interview is not the same as what you’re listening for in a house manager or FVA interview. Stay tuned this fall.

What’s a question you ask in every interview that’s never let you down? We want to hear it!

I’m Dr. Brittany Bankhead - trauma surgeon, wife, mom of two, and founder of Modern Mom Alchemy - a company built on Optimizing the Science of Modern Motherhood with real, actionable solutions to the problems moms have been dealing with for forever. We think every mama deserves to live her life to the full. Check us out at: modernmomalchemy.com

Sooooo here’s how I found the house manager I have right now: I posted a job description on my Instagram story. Like… not a fancy caption. Not a vague “know anyone great?” ask. An actual job description, cast out into the void of my Instagram story. I didn’t “know” any house managers who were looking in my area. I just cast a wide net, like I always do when I outsource, and that included my own social media.

A coworker of mine saw it. She wasn’t even looking for a house manager herself, she just scrolled past my story that day. BUT… she sent it to a friend of hers who had literally just started looking for a new job. That friend is now the most wonderful house manager in Charleston and we couldn’t love her more.

I would NEVER have found her any other way. Not through a placement service, not a Facebook group, not Care.com. Through the grapevine, girl.

Wait, is it actually a house manager you need?

Quick gut check before you post anything anywhere: A true house manager is $25-50/hr, usually at least 15 hours a week, and does NOT include childcare or deep cleaning. The whole value of the role is that she MANAGES. She’s autonomous. You shouldn’t be building her a list every week, she should be building her own and telling YOU what got done.

If what you actually want is someone to occasionally watch your kids while she works through a to-do list you hand her (because you can’t #letitgo :))... you don’t need a house manager. You need a mother’s helper! And she’ll cost you a fraction of the price (because you’re still doing the managing, not her).

Okay, you’ve confirmed it’s a house manager you’re after. Now what?

Your 3 options for HOW SPECIFICALLY TO FIND AN AMAZEBALLS HOUSE MANAGER!!

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Wrong. Now you’re DMing twelve strangers one by one, asking the same five questions over and over, and three days later you have... one flaky response and eleven people who ghosted you. Sound familiar? (Bc Girl. Same.)

Here’s the thing nobody tells you: the facebook post isn’t the problem. HOW you wrote it is. I see the same mistakes OVER AND OVER in these groups, and every single one of them is fixable in the next ten minutes.

1️⃣ You’re only messaging people who’ve posted “looking for work” before. I get it, it feels safer. But this is wildly time intensive, and it eliminates a huge chunk of great candidates who simply haven’t posted “available!” that week (or ever). Someone can be an amazing sitter and just... not be a serial self-promoter on Facebook. Post your own ad instead of only fishing from theirs (you’ll reach people who are looking but haven’t said so publicly yet).

2️⃣ You didn’t say where you actually live. “Looking for a sitter for Tuesday afternoons” tells a candidate nothing. Give your neighborhood or general area; something that can help them know if the drive is worth it. People are trying to figure out if this is even a realistic commute before they respond (nobody wants to ask “wait, where are you?” five messages into a conversation). In the Charleston area, for example, we say “North Mt. Pleasant.” By no means would a weirdo be able to track us down in the sub-subdivision of the subdivision of the neighborhood we live in… but it WOULD allow for a babysitter in Summerville to know that an hour drive for random Tuesday mornings is not gonna be worth her while (so neither of us has to waste our time pretending).

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3️⃣ You didn’t say how old your kids are. This is a dealbreaker for a lot of caregivers. Someone who loves infants might hard pass on three rowdy elementary schoolers, and vice versa. Say the ages up front so people can self-select (this alone will cut down your “interested!” flood to people who actually want the job). If you don’t want to give actual ages out of the gate, it’s easy enough to say “infant” or “elementary aged,” etc.

4️⃣ Your post is cold. “Need a sitter. Must be reliable.” Ok... but who wants to work for that? A little warmth goes a long way! You don’t need to write a novel, but let a little personality through. People are more likely to apply to a family that sounds human (because they are about to spend hours alone in your house with your kids, this matters)!

5️⃣ You didn’t post a pay range. This one drives me crazy because it wastes SO much time. If you don’t post a range, you’ll get flooded with people whose expectations are nowhere near yours, and you’ll have the awkward money conversation five messages deep instead of on message one. And yes, rates vary a ton by experience level, so give more than one tier if that’s realistic for you. Something like:

• High schooler / occasional sitter: $15-20/hr

• Experienced babysitter, CPR certified: $20-25/hr

• Nanny-level experience (full days, more responsibility): $25-35/hr

(Adjust these to your actual market, this varies a lot by city and cost of living, but the point stands: give SOME number. Even a wide range filters out 90% of the back and forth. If you don’t want to GIVE a number, then ask them to submit their rate with their application —> more on that below).

The pro move almost nobody uses:

Ask them to apply, don’t just let them comment “interested!” and call it a day. Literally say: “To apply, please email me [your email] with your resume and 3 references, along with why you’re interested in this role.” (Adjust the “why” part depending on whether it’s a job-job or more casual.)

This one tip will save you HOURS. The people who reply “interested!” and vanish the second you ask a real question? They won’t email you a resume and three references. The people who ARE serious, will. You’ll go from chasing twenty strangers for four days to reviewing five real applications. It is genuinely the single biggest and mental energy time saver in this whole process.

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Another pro tip?

Post who this position would NOT be good for. It will, again, save you TONS of time. Say you have a super rowdy 4 year old boy (ummm #beenthere) who is going to want to play outside all the time and the babysitter has allergies that don’t allow her to be outside. Another example might be a kiddo who devours peanut butter on the daily and someone with a peanut allergy would not be a good fit for your family.

For us: I always immediately make note in our posts that we both work at a hospital and timeliness is incredibly important, so it’s not a good fit if being late is something that’s a chronic problem or something that might be an issue.

Fix these five things (and add my pro tips if you get a chance!), and your next childcare post will actually work. You’ll get fewer replies and WAY better ones (which, let’s be honest, is the whole point).

Now. All of this works beautifully for straightforward childcare needs. But what about when it’s not straightforward? What about split shifts because you need coverage before AND after school? What if you need that but only on a few days a week? A part time nanny who only works three days? A schedule that flips every week because you work 7 days on, 7 days off (trust me, as a trauma surgeon with an ER physician husband, I know a thing or two about unpredictable schedules)?

If your childcare needs are more complicated than “I need someone Tuesday and Thursday afternoons,” let’s map it out together. Book an outsourcing strategy session with me here and we’ll figure out exactly what kind of help you need, where to find it, how to minimize the amount of time you spend going back and forth on these childcare posts, and how to make it stick!

I’m Dr. Brittany Bankhead - trauma surgeon, wife, mom of two, and founder of Modern Mom Alchemy - a company built on Optimizing the Science of Modern Motherhood with real, actionable solutions to the problems moms have been dealing with for forever. Check us out at: modernmomalchemy.com

That was the moment I finally got it.

Not the moment I hired help. The moment I understood what kind of help I actually needed.

DON’T start with a job posting.

Before you hire anyone, you have to audit your life. I mean actually sit down and look at where your time and energy are bleeding out. In my experience, the pain almost always falls into one of three buckets:

1️⃣ Tangible help- the physical stuff. Housework, laundry, errands, grocery runs. The things you can see piling up.

2️⃣ Childcare help- babysitter flaked again, nanny’s running late, no one to cover the gap between school dismissal and when you get home.

3️⃣ Mental load help- the invisible stuff. Your inbox. Your calendar. The scheduling, the researching, the remembering, the coordinating. The 7-email thread just to book one meeting.

Here’s what I wish someone had told me earlier:

If “mental load help” shows up on your list at ALL, that’s your first hire.

Not because the other stuff doesn’t matter. But because mental load is the thing that quietly drains you all day long in 2-minute increments you don’t even notice until you can’t think straight by noon. (And there’s another added bonus we’ll get into in a sec…)

Photo: Learning to audit first + hire according to my actual needs has led to way more family puzzles completed, cups of coffee drank, and cozy pajamas on a weekday than we ever had before.

The order I’d hire in- if I were doing this from scratch

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If you have a running to-do list that never actually gets shorter? This one’s for you.

The problem usually isn’t that you have too much to do. It’s that you’re doing things that don’t belong on YOUR list at all. Some of them belong to a “system” (p.s. I think this word is soooo over-used but on some level it is kinda true). Some of them belong to someone else. And some of them? Don’t need to happen at all.

Here’s the framework I actually use.

The question to ask about every single task: Before you assign anything to a bucket, ask yourself this:

“Am I the only one who can do this? And… does it actually need to be done at all?”

If the answer to both is yes, it stays with you (examples: practicing for your upcoming presentation; kissing your kiddo before bed every night; helping your daughter try on swimsuits in the dressing room; watching your son’s first football game). Everything else gets sorted below.

1️⃣ AUTOMATE- set it up once, forget it forever

These are tasks that repeat, follow a pattern, and require zero human judgment. A system can do them better than you can because a system doesn’t forget.

What this looks like in real life:

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Not a nanny. Not a housekeeper. Not a personal assistant for your business.

A Family Virtual Assistant. And before you say “that sounds expensive” or “I wouldn’t even know where to start”- stay with me!!

How this actually started

A few years ago I moved to a high cost of living area and couldn’t afford the full outsourcing setup I’d had before. But I was still drowning. The mental load, the administrative chaos of motherhood, the endless logistics of keeping two kids’ lives running while also running my own- it was a lot.

Then I found her. A highly educated mom of four who wanted to stay home with her kids but also wanted flexible income that actually worked around her life. She answered my inquiry and I thought... what if I just teach her to do for me what she’s already doing for her own family?

So I did!! And it immediately changed my life. And then I thought: “…Wait, why can’t we do this for other people?”

That’s how The Grid was born- a network of trained, certified Family Virtual Assistants matched with busy families who need them. (More on that in a second)

The goal is more of this: more snuggles in bed. More coffee to drink. More deep conversations between Mama and kiddos.

So what does a Family Virtual Assistant actually DO?

This is where people’s eyes go wide. Because it’s not what you’re picturing. She is 100% virtual. You never have to have her in your home. And yet she is running your life behind the scenes in the most game-changing way. (Spoiler alert: the more you let go, the more she will fly)

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Here’s what mine does:

• Goes through every single school newsletter (you know the ones I’m talking about), pulls the important dates / events, and puts them in the family calendar (I haven’t read a school newsletter in years, lol)

  • Oh, and she also signs us up for the “Plate & Napkins” slot for the school party lol! You know… the coveted plates & napkins signup slot that’s always gone by the time you get to it? Yep! All yours. AND… she can direct order it from Amazon when she signs up for it and have it sent to your house.

• Orders everything the kids need for school activities and has it delivered

  • Those weird “Western Wednesday is next week!!!” but you have 800 things to do between then and now? She can go online, find a cute flannel that your daughter would like, and everyone wins.

• Plans our date nights- finds the restaurant, makes the reservation, puts it on the calendar

  • By the way, she already knows our work schedule. So she knew that Friday wouldn’t work because Saturday morning I’m on call.

  • Did I mention she already booked the babysitter too? Because HELLO! You can’t go on a date night without the babysitter there too! Again- mental energy you’re not worrying about. She’s carrying it for you.

• Reschedules doctors appointments when something inevitably comes up

  • I haven’t had to listen to elevator music on the phone in a VERY long time.

• Found us a physical therapy practice near our house, with great reviews, that takes our insurance (I would have spent an hour minimum on that)

  • I showed up to the perfect place, the best people, insurance information already put in, referral already sent from my primary care doctor, and on a day that I was post-call and able to focus on PT and not on anything else

• Handles the recurring monthly and seasonal tasks that always fall through the cracks

  • Finding us cute places to ice skate in Atlanta. Organizing a time for our back to school trip. Booking the flights home for the holidays. Submitting the receipts to my work for a conference….

The list goes on. But here’s what makes it different from a regular virtual assistant:

SHE. ALREADY. THINKS. LIKE. A. MOM.

That’s the whole thing. She’s not learning what a school newsletter is. She’s not confused about why the pediatrician appointment needs to be after 3pm. She already anticipates the chaos because she LIVES the chaos. The onboarding time is a fraction (as in… 86% faster…) of what you’d expect because she already speaks the language.

100 Things My FVA Did For Me

The “level up” nobody talks about (I call it “synergistic outsourcing”)

Here’s where it gets really good.

If you already have other help- a nanny, a housekeeper, a house manager- your FVA can actually become the HUB that coordinates all of it. And suddenly your whole support system starts working together instead of in silos. And you’re no longer the “chief operations officer” trying to keep everything moving and everyone’s needing you to answer.

Example? She can meal plan for the month & send a grocery order for the week… and have the nanny pick it up on the way home from camp.

What about finding help? Our FVA hired our summer babysitter. (Yes… I know you’re jealous lol). I told her what we needed. She handled the search, the resume review, the vetting, preliminary interviews, and when she found a couple of good ones she scheduled final interviews. We only showed up for those final conversations & she arranged a play date for us to meet in person.

The coordination that used to live entirely in my head? She carries it now.

“But won’t it be too expensive / too hard to set up?”

I hear this all the time. And I get it- that was my assumption too.

But here’s the reality: because our FVAs are trained specifically for family life (not business admin, not executive support- FAMILY), the onboarding is faster, the fit is better, and the ROI shows up immediately. You’re not paying for someone to learn what your life looks like. You’re paying for someone who already gets it. (We’ve also got lots of tips & tricks along the way to make it as painless as possible.)

And the cost? Far less than you’d expect for the mental load it lifts.

Where to find one

The Grid is exactly what it sounds like- a curated matching service that pairs busy moms with trained, certified Family Virtual Assistants. We vet them. We train them. We match them specifically to your family’s needs.

Want more ideas on what an FVA could do for you? Go here:

100 Things My FVA Did For Me

I’m Dr. Brittany Bankhead - trauma surgeon, wife, mom of two, and founder of Modern Mom Alchemy - a company built on Optimizing the Science of Modern Motherhood with real, actionable solutions to the problems moms have been dealing with for forever. Check us out at: modernmomalchemy.com

I was paying for a housekeeper to come multiple times a week, scrambling between my kids and I to pick up socks off the floor BEFORE they arrived, and genuinely wondering why I still felt like I was drowning.

Bandaid on a bullet hole. (Thanks, Taylor.) The floors were clean. The dishes were done. And I was still stressed out of my mind.

Because dirty floors were maybe 20% of my actual problem.

The Audit No One Tells You To Do:

Before you hire anyone, you have to ask yourself: what is ACTUALLY causing the chaos? Not what’s visible. Not what’s embarrassing when someone walks in. What’s actually eating your time and mental bandwidth every single week?

For me it was:

• Grocery store runs not getting done (or getting done by me, exhausted, at 8pm; or eating into my already strapped weekend)

• A fridge full of expired food I kept stepping around

• A pantry that looked like a tornado hit it

• Plants dying because who has time

• A dog who needed walking

• Errands that kept rolling over to next week’s list

A housekeeper was never going to fix any of that. And yet that’s what I kept paying for- more frequently, more visits, more money- hoping it would eventually feel like enough. But… It didn’t.

So what’s the actual difference?

A housekeeper cleans. Full stop. They come in, they tackle the surfaces, the floors, the bathrooms. They’re incredible at what they do. But their job is not to manage your home- it’s to clean it.

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A house manager runs things. Grocery shopping. Fridge clean-outs. Pantry organization. Errands. Walking the dog. Watering the plants. The stuff that doesn’t look like a mess but IS the internal mental load mess- the invisible, never-ending operational load of keeping a household actually functioning.

And here’s what I used to think (lol): “a house manager won’t do it MY way.” (Don’t roll your eyes at me because I KNOW you’ve thought the same thing!!!!)

Which is hilarious in retrospect. Because I was fully trusting a stranger to clean my bathrooms but convinced I couldn’t trust someone to buy my groceries. Girl. :/

The Math That Might Change Your Mind

If you have a housekeeper coming 2-3x a week at ~$250/visit, you’re spending $500-750 a week on cleaning.

What if instead you:

• Cut the housekeeper to once or twice a month for deep cleans (toilets, showers, the real stuff)- roughly $250-500/month

• Added a part-time house manager at $30-40/hr, 10-20 hrs/week

You’d likely spend similar money (or less) and get back SO much more- not just a clean house, but a functioning one.

And this is important:

A house manager is not an estate manager. This is not a “rich people” thing. This is not outsourcing your identity as a mom or a wife or a woman who has it together.

It’s a partnership. One that gives you your time and mental bandwidth back so you can put your energy where it actually matters.

How do you find the right one and make sure they do it YOUR way?

That’s exactly what Time Alchemy is built for- making sure you hire the right person from the jump, set them up to actually succeed, and stop redoing everything yourself. Because the hire is only as good as the system behind it.

Have you ever done an honest audit of what’s ACTUALLY stressing you out… or are you just treating the symptom?

I’m Dr. Brittany Bankhead - trauma surgeon, wife, mom of two, and founder of Modern Mom Alchemy - a company built on Optimizing the Science of Modern Motherhood with real, actionable solutions to the problems moms have been dealing with for forever. Check us out at: modernmomalchemy.com

Let me tell you what my dinner intentions look like versus my dinner reality.

Intentions: colorful plate, whole ingredients, Yuka score above 90, kids happily eating something that did not come in a box.

Reality: I pulled up the Domino’s app again. And honestly? After a day in the OR, running a business, and trying to be a semi-present human being, I made that choice on PURPOSE. Because the alternative was 3 hours in the kitchen instead of a family walk where Knox actually told me something real about his day and Tinsley did her full dramatic retelling of whatever happened at recess. That walk was worth it. The pizza was fine. Nobody got scurvy.

Real talk: Pizza night has been a comfort food staple doing its due diligence in our household for more than a decade! Here was a night during residency my also-physician husband and I were doing a kiddo pass-off and had a pizza picnic in the back of our car.

Here’s the thing Dr. Landers wrote recently that really resonated:

“The antidote isn’t ‘stop caring’ or ‘lower your standards.’ The antidote is: allowing yourself to do ‘good enough’ work.”

Because it’s not about wanting less. It’s about doing it differently. About there not being a dichotomy of “good” and “bad.” There’s grey. And I think there are actually three layers to this that we don’t talk about enough.

Layer 1: YOU don’t have to do it perfectly.

We are a dual-physician household. My husband and I both have demanding careers. And for a long time the mental image I held of what our home and family life should look like was... a lot. Nutritionally optimized meals. Milestone photos timed perfectly. Vacations with every experience checked off.

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Then I missed the golden lighting window for our baby photos because- shockingly- nap time did not care about the photographer’s schedule. We have pictures of all three of us looking absolutely cringe + unhinged, kids crying, everyone a little sweaty. And I love those pictures. Because that WAS our life. That WAS the memory. I captured exactly what I intended to capture, just not the version I’d curated in my head.

The snorkel excursion we wanted on our last family vacation? Didn’t happen. (Totally my bad.) What DID happen was that we laughed until we cried at dinner, Tinsley decided she loved mango, and Knox unplugged for four days straight.

We didn’t fail the vacation. We just let it be what it was.

Practical permission slip: Pick one thing this week you’re doing at 80% and refuse to apologize for it. Write it down if you have to. P.S. The pizza is fine.

Layer 2: You don’t have to do it at all, to have it all.

This is where outsourcing comes in- and before you roll your eyes and say “I can’t afford that” or “it would take longer to explain than to just do it myself,” I hear you. I said both of those things. For years.

But here’s the reframe: outsourcing isn’t a luxury. It’s a strategy. And it scales. It’s the family virtual assistant who manages our calendar so I don’t have to hold every appointment in my head. It’s grocery delivery. It’s the house manager who handles the things that were quietly eating my Sundays alive. It’s the virtual personal trainer who can tell you to get off your butt on a Tuesday because he’s got the plan ready to go.

The goal isn’t a perfect handoff. The goal is a real one. One that actually gives you time back.

(More on building that system- the actual how-to- inside Time Alchemy, the framework I built specifically for busy working moms who want to reclaim their time without the guilt spiral.)

Layer 3: When others do it… let them do it imperfectly too (eeeeek)

This is the one that will actually set you free. And it’s the hardest one. (Boy oh boy… is it the hardest lol)

There was one week our kids were doing laundry, and accidentally switched my jeans and my 14-year-old’s jeans. Initial thoughts? “UGGGGGGGH. THESE AREN’T MINE.” You know what happened? I told them. They fixed it the next time. Life went on. (And shouldn’t I be flattered, for crying out loud?!)

Oh, and the nanny got the WRONG BRAND OF CRACKERS. WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR HOUSEHOLD?!?!?!! My kids were... fine. Shoot, maybe they’ll even like the new ones. Maybe they won’t. That’s 1 out of 45 groceries, and 3 hours I didn’t spend at the store.

The outfit your kid wore to the park your husband chose, that you would have never chosen? (Looking at you, “Rolling Stones” tshirt on my daughter.) They went to the PARK. They ran around and had fun and had a great time in the wrong outfit. That’s a win.

Susan puts it perfectly: “Letting others contribute imperfectly.” That’s not settling. That’s sanity.

The rule I live by: 80% done by someone else is 100% awesome. I learned this from mega-entrepreneur Dan Martell. Let it go, girl. Put this rule of thumb in your head and I promise the truth shall set you free. :)

Here’s the arc if you zoom out:

1️⃣You don’t have to do it perfectly yourself

2️⃣You don’t have to do it at all to have it all

3️⃣And when someone else does it- imperfectly- that’s still a win

None of this is about lowering the bar. It’s about redirecting your energy toward the things that actually need YOU. The walk with your kids. The real conversation. The work you love. The part of your life that can’t be delegated or changed.

That’s not giving up. That’s doing it differently.

If this resonated, go follow Dr. Susan Landers at @landersmomsmatter- she writes Moms Matter and she is the real deal! Thoughtful, research-backed, and genuinely honest about what motherhood actually asks of us.

And if you want the outsourcing framework for building a support system around your life- the customized outsourcing blueprint, the hiring kit, the onboarding sheet- that’s what Time Alchemy is built for.

I’m Dr. Brittany Bankhead - trauma surgeon, wife, mom of two, and founder of Modern Mom Alchemy - a company built on Optimizing the Science of Modern Motherhood with real, actionable solutions to the problems moms have been dealing with for forever. Check us out at: modernmomalchemy.com

That was the last time I winged an Airbnb.

Since then I’ve developed what I can only describe as a full-on algorithm; because apparently that’s just how my brain works (trauma surgery will do that to you). Most people filter by price and pretty pictures and wonder why they end up disappointed, having to pay weird fees after they leave, or dealing with a “disaster”. This is not that approach.

This is the whole thing, start to finish. Don’t skip steps!!!

Before You Even Open the App: Vibes and Location First

LOCATION IS EVERYTHING. Do not skip this part and do not do it alone- involve everyone traveling with you so you’re actually on the same page before you’ve fallen in love with a listing.

Ask yourself (and your travel group) these questions first. Not EVERYTHING is going to be able to matter but kind of prioritize it in your mind. “Vibe check” as I tell my family!

• Do you want to be walkable to everything- restaurants, shops, activities, coffee?

• Do you want remote and quiet- away from noise, crowds, other people?

• Do you need to be near specific landmarks- a beach, a theme park, a city center?

• Is this a romantic couples trip or a family vacation or an extended family/group trip? (The vibe is completely different for each.)

• Do you want a neighborhood feel or a resort/tourist area feel?

• How important is privacy vs. convenience?

Your answers to these questions determine WHERE you search- and that matters more than any filter you’ll ever apply.

Step 1: Your Non-Negotiables, Nice-to-Haves, and Don’t-Cares

Next list of “think about” items that you may need input from your group / partner on. But again… think about these truly with the framework of non-negotiable, nice to have, or don’t care. A good rule of thumb for a non-negotiable is “If it was $1,000 more to include this thing, would it be worth it?” or “If I had to book a more expensive hotel because I couldn’t find this in an Airbnb, is that what I would do?” If not- be sure to just make it a “nice to have.” (Personally- location and # of beds are usually our non-negotiables; the rest varies.)

Here’s a list to work from:

• Number of bedrooms (Is it # of BEDS you need, or is it # of Bedrooms; that’s different); Number of bathrooms (Traveling with just your family and can get away with just 1? Or with another couple you barely know and definitely need at least 2?)

• No stairs/accessibility (Obviously if needing handicap accessibility this is important; but also are you parents of young babies and will need a stroller and 8,000 items every time you go out? If so then a beautiful apartment in Paris for a great price but up 8 flights of stairs with no elevator is not going to work…)

• Pool / hot tub (Does it have to be private? Okay if it’s community?); Beach access / beachfront (Walkable okay? What if it was farther away but cheaper & there was a shuttle that dropped you off or bikes included in the AirBnb?); Outdoor space / patio / backyard

• Walkability? Parking? Pet friendly?

• Specific travel dates (vs. flexibility) (this is a big one; even just 1 day forward or backward can mean the difference between available and not available; if you have flexibility let the app know!)

• Washer and dryer (will you be there a long time? kiddos that spit up?)

• Air conditioning (#whenineurope; but truly- some places will have window AC vs. central AC vs open the window for the coastal air and prices will vary a lot)

• Views (water, mountains, city, etc.) (I realized over time this one is actually really important to me when we travel and totally changes the vibes of the trip; I don’t care much where we live but when we travel I want a view and that can actually be harder to tell from a picture than you’d think - keep reading for how I figure it out!)

• Distance from airport (if you’re going to be there for a long time is it okay if it’s 2hrs away? maybe it’s not?)

Know this list cold before you start. It will save you from making emotional decisions mid-search!!

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Step 2: The First Pass (Give Yourself Real Time for This)

This is not a 20-minute task. Sit down with coffee, wine, or whatever makes this feel less like work. Long airport layover, waiting at a kids’ sporting event, a quiet evening- this is actually a great use of those pockets of time where you’re stuck somewhere anyway.

Open the AirBnb app. Type in your destination and number of guests. Enter your dates (OR give yourself wiggle room by using the +/- day flexibility option underneath the date search). This can unlock listings that wouldn’t have shown up otherwise.

You should have hundreds of options. That’s a good thing.

Now go to filters. Here’s exactly what to do:

Price range: Set your maximum a little higher than your true max. Some baller places include things (your own pool, chef to make breakfasts, incredible outdoor space so you don’t have to rent the car you thought you’d have to) that make them worth more than you initially planned- and it may all even out. Set your minimum just before the bell curve on the pricing scale starts to rise- about ¼ of the way through. Everything below that cutoff is cheap for one of three reasons: no reviews (you will never stay here), it’s gross (you will never stay here), or it’s in an unsafe neighborhood (you will... you guessed it... never stay here). Example here if our max was $1500 :

Free cancellation: Check this. Always! Things come up. It also signals that the host is dependable and actually invested in a good guest experience.

1 (maybe 2) additional filters MAX: Think carefully here. Air conditioning in Europe might cut your results dramatically; in Texas it changes nothing because everyone has it. Pool or beachfront depending on your destination. That’s it. Do NOT choose Guest Fav or Luxe yet- we’ll come back to that.

You should still have at least a few hundred options. (If you don’t, reconsider your location you’ve set, loosen a filter, or adjust your price range. Most real travel destinations should give you a few hundred to work from.)

Step 3: Map View + Ratings Pass

Switch to map view. Zoom into your ideal location. Start to notice where the clusters of listings are- there’s almost always a reason listings group together. Walkability, city centers, restaurants, shopping, pretty neighborhoods. If remote and quiet is your priority, note what’s away from the clusters. Example below: the top right corner has a cluster of places, so does the south. That one loner one on the west coast will give me pause because there’s nothing else really listed over there (unless I was looking for something remote / away.)

Next: scroll through 20-30 listings quickly. Do at least 4-5 of them have a 4.9 rating or above? Good. (If you didn’t find at least 4-5 listings at 4.9+, expand to 4.8 and above.)

Here’s what you do next- and this is important:

DO NOT LOOK AT THE PICTURES YET.

Go through every single listing and heart/favorite ONLY the ones with a 4.9 rating or above. That’s it. Just the rating. With the first heart/favorite it will prompt you to create a wishlist, go ahead and do that and title it: “[Location] Search.”

(*Of note, you can add additional people to the search; I would hold off for now.)

After this pass you should have 50-100 hearted listings. If you have more than that, go back through and bump your threshold to 4.95 to trim it down.

Why ratings are everything:

Ratings will save you from awful hosts. From difficult-to-find locations. From being nickel-and-dimed for shady things. From last-minute cancellations. From bad smells. From unsafe neighborhoods.

A brand new listing with zero reviews and stunning photos is NOT worth the risk- no matter how pretty it is. You are the guinea pig. You have no idea if those are stock photos, if it smells like trash, or if you’ll be unfairly charged. Trust the ratings. Skip the new ones. Every single time.

Step 4: The Logistics Round

Now picture actually being there with your specific group. This is where your initial list above of must-have, nice-to-have, and don’t care comes into play from before. Do the kids need separate beds? Separate rooms? Does grandpa actually need a real bedroom or can he manage the pull-out? Do you need a kitchen table that seats 8 (or just 6 bc the kids won’t sit still anyways)? Did you plan to eat out every meal or do you need a real kitchen?

Go through each hearted/favorited listing individually.

For bedrooms specifically- scroll down to “Where You’ll Sleep” in the listing. If that section isn’t there, open the photos tab and look for rooms listed individually or under “Additional Photos.” Check out the actual sleeping arrangements.

The below pictures are an example in Florence, Italy with the same filters that would work for our family, but are very different options and may influence whether it’s a good fit depending on our needs. Place 1 would have two bedrooms both with king beds, Place 2 is actually 1 double bed and two singles that are conversions in the living room, Place 3 is two bedrooms with queen beds. All technically fit our needs - but definitely will need to narrow down at this point for what we are needing.

Also note: If I had only looked at pictures / style - I would have booked the second option; but 2 single beds in the living room isn’t going to work for this trip, so I’m actually eliminating it instead. And even though I like the feel of the third option more than the first option so far… what if the first option is just steps away from 5 cafes and 2 gelato shops and $500 cheaper, while option 3 is a half mile walk to any restaurants and more expensive? This is the importance of NOT narrowing down too soon.

Un-heart anything that doesn’t meet your group’s absolute minimum requirements for sleeping arrangements. Don’t overthink it. If it doesn’t work logistically, it’s out.

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Step 5: Cost and Togetherness

Go back to your map. You have far fewer options now. Good!!

Look at the price differences between what’s left. Don’t filter yet- just notice. If something is dramatically cheaper or more expensive than everything else, open it briefly and find out why. You’ll almost always find the answer quickly: the cheap one is lovely but under renovation with construction noise from 8-5 (out); the expensive one includes a private chef you don’t need (out). Remove the outliers.

Now think about togetherness- and don’t underestimate this part!

Picture your group in the mornings before you head out. In the afternoons when everyone needs to decompress (and is usually scrolling on their phone lol). After dinner when there’s free time before bed. Does your group want to be together in one room watching Netflix and playing board games? Or does everyone need space to separate and breathe?

Go through each remaining listing and look specifically at the living room and outdoor space (“communal” space, if you will). You’ll quickly see which ones fit your group’s actual dynamic and which ones don’t. Un-heart the ones that fall flat.

For us this usually is evident with one love seat in the middle of the room as a living room. As a family of 4… that’s a no go for us. And when traveling with extended family - we want to make sure there’s extra lounging patio space in addition to living room space.

Step 6: Read Everything + Include the other adults

You should have somewhere between 5 and 20 listings left. Now you actually read! (Don’t ever waste your time reading reviews until you get to this point!)

Read the host’s full description. Read the last 1-2 years of reviews- be sure to re-sort them to “Most Recent” first. Sometimes a listing has a low 4.9 because of something early on, but every recent stay has been 5 stars after they fixed that thing. Other times, a previously great place has recently started getting complaints about a new bar that opened next door with constant late-night noise. The recent reviews usually tell the best story. If people are mentioning something over and over, take notice. We recently were ready to pull the trigger on a beautiful Italian apartment in Rome, but despite the great reviews everyone talked about how narrow and extensive the stairs to get to it were. If it had been just my husband and I- we probably would have gone for it; but with our 8yr old in tow… there was no way we wanted to hear the whining every time we walked out the door.

Now!… Go through every single photo individually. Zoom into the windows. Get a sense of what the actual view looks like- not the curated hero shot, the everyday view you’ll wake up to. If that matters to you - take note of whether all the curtains are closed in every single photo. That probably means the view isn’t lovely.

This is also the point at which I actually include any other adults who want to have input on choosing our location; my mom is great at finding things I may have missed or thinking about vibes that I didn’t consider. You can add them to the wishlist via text message; they can “leave notes” or just “unheart/unfavorite” things depending on how you want them to participate.

Step 7: Street View (My Secret Weapon!!!)

This is the step most people don’t know about and it is a game changer.

Airbnb won’t give you the exact address- but you can still figure out exactly what you’re getting into. :)

Here’s how:

1. Zoom in on the Airbnb map as far as it will let you go.

2. Find a nearby landmark, street, or business you can identify. (Example below, the nearby cathedral.)

   

3. Put that into Google Maps. (Example below, found the cathedral and you can see the streets that really mirror exactly what the Airbnb map is showing)

   

4. Scroll over to where the Airbnb appeared to be on the map. (For me this looks like 2 streets to the left and 1.5 streets down)

   

5. Click the binoculars icon for Street View.

   

6. Move up and down the street. Look at the building or house. Look at what’s around it- cafes, shops, gelato, parking lots, construction, nightlife.

7. Look “up” to get a sense of what your view might actually be from inside.

   

We are never surprised when we arrive. Not by the neighborhood, not by the view, not by what’s or isn’t walkable. Because I’ve already walked the street virtually before we ever book.

The last step: NOW look at cost!

You’ve done everything right. You’ve got a short list of in-your-price-range, high-rated, logistically sound, vibe-matched, street-view-verified options. Now compare costs and make your final call.

We will usually send the host a brief message saying how excited we are to stay. A few weeks later, if our plane is getting in early, we’ll nicely ask if we can get an early check-in (again… good reviews usually mean this is much more likely to happen), or ask about their grocery + restaurant recommendations for the area. Be sure you are also leaving good & clear reviews for others! And don’t forget that the hosts themselves leave reviews of YOU… which other hosts use to determine whether or not they’ll allow you to stay, as well.

If you want more frameworks like this as a busy woman, for the ten thousand decisions that come with running a family while also running a career- that’s exactly what we’re building at Modern Mom Alchemy.

I’m Dr. Brittany Bankhead, trauma surgeon, wife, mom of two, and founder of Modern Mom Alchemy- a company built on Optimizing the Science of Modern Motherhood with real, actionable solutions to the problems moms have been dealing with for forever. Check us out at modernmomalchemy.com

It felt like the right thing to do. We weren’t home. She didn’t need to be either.

And then one day she said something that legit revolutionized every trip after that. She told us she’d rather not take the time off. That she wanted to reorganize the pantry. Clean out everything under the beds. Tackle the projects that were impossible to do around a full, loud, busy household.

And we just looked at each other like... oh.

We had all been so focused on the idea that her job was to support us when we were present that we completely missed how valuable her time was when we were gone. No kids underfoot. No schedules to work around. No interruptions. Just space to do the things that never make it onto a regular Tuesday.

We’ve nevvvvvvver gone back.

What this actually looks like now

The key is matching the project to how long you’re away. A long weekend and a full week are two very different windows- and the list should reflect that. (And if you’ve got a house manager - she’s already gonna know that.)

The Long Weekend List (2-4 days)

This is your targeted, one-project window. You’re not gone long enough to do everything, so pick one thing that’s been nagging you and let it be done by the time you get home.

Our go-to long weekend projects:

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The kids are out of school, which sounds like a relief until you realize YOUR schedule didn’t change. Knox and Tinsley need to be somewhere, doing something, learning something, enjoying something, and oh- we’re also supposed to be making memories?? Meanwhile I’m at the hospital, in the trauma bay, and my inbox is full and somehow I also need to figure out when we’re going to pack for our trip next week.

This is the list I wish someone handed me years ago. Ten things to get off your plate this summer.

1. Lawn Care

Your yard shouldn’t stress you out in July.

• 💰 High Budget: Weekly landscaping service that handles mowing, edging, and mulching. Set it and forget it.

• 🪴 Scrappy: Neighborhood teenager with a mower. Seriously. Post in your neighborhood Facebook group and pay cash. They show up, they’re motivated, done.

2. Family Laundry (the folding, specifically)

Washing and drying? Fine. Folding and putting away? That’s where time goes to die.

• 💰 High: Laundry service or wash-and-fold pickup (most dry cleaners offer this- you drop it off, it comes back folded perfectly). Google it in your area or ask the local Facebook moms groups!

• 🪴 Scrappy: This can also be a kiddo job. Yes, really. 30 minutes a day on their own laundry teaches life skills AND gets it off your list. (Same energy as the summer workbooks below, but make it their clothes.)

3. Summer Workbooks

Okay hear me out- the workbooks themselves aren’t outsourced, but the “what are we doing for their brains this summer” anxiety absolutely can be.

• 💰 High: A tutoring service or learning pod that handles the academic side entirely.

• 🪴 Scrappy: Summer Bridge Workbooks on Amazon- 15 minutes a day, age-appropriate, done. We do this with Knox and Tinsley every summer and it takes exactly zero mental energy once you order it. (Answers are in the back so they can check for themselves).

4. Childcare for Date Night

This one gets skipped more than any other and girl, it shouldn’t. Your relationship matters, and a fun date on a warm night with your partner in life can go a long way for your love life and your mental health this summer.

• 💰 High: A regular, vetted sitter you book for every other Friday so it’s already on the calendar. Non-negotiable.

• 🪴 Scrappy: Babysitter swap with another couple you trust. You watch their kids one Friday, they watch yours the next. Free. Done.

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5. Family Dinner (at least twice a week)

Nobody is winning a medal for cooking every night in June.

• 💰 High: A meal prep service or private chef that batch cooks for the week. Yes, this exists.

• 🪴 Scrappy: Strategic takeout rotation- pick 2 nights per week, pick 3 go-to spots, rotate. It’s not “giving up,” it’s a system and can help support a local business while also giving your mind a break so you can enjoy some wiffle ball in the front yard with your kids instead of doing dishes a few nights a week.

6. Finding + Vetting Summer Camps

The research spiral is REAL. Drama camp for Tinsley this summer, chess camp for Knox in the past- finding the right one-week programs that actually fit your kid is a job.

• 💰 High: Concierge Services at The Grid at Modern Mom Alchemy pairs you with a family virtual assistant specifically curated for your family’s needs & budget; your FVA can research options based on your kids’ ages, interests, and calendar —> sends you a shortlist to approve —> books everything and puts it in the calendar (including where to meet and what to bring). (…Did we mention she could also coordinate with the babysitter for when to drive? :))

• 🪴 Scrappy: Ask one friend whose kid is similar to yours what they’re doing. Copy it. Done. You’re not cheating, you’re being efficient. (P.S. If you’re interested in The Grid but want to try a lower-cost option, sign up for info on Access at The Grid, a new service for our families looking for a more subscription-based model of family virtual assistant help!)

7. Pool / House Cleaning

More kids home = more mess. Full stop.

• 💰 High: Weekly cleaning service plus a pool service if you have one. Summer is NOT the time to cut this.

• 🪴 Scrappy: Add one extra cleaning day per month and give the kids a Saturday chore chart. (They’re home. They made the mess. They can Swiffer.) Let them choose the music and blast it through the house- can make it a lot more enjoyable.

8. Travel Planning + Logistics

This is my personal favorite outsource win and I will talk about it forever.

Our family virtual assistant handles almost all of it- every flight, every confirmation number, check-in times, meeting spots for activities, restaurant recs near the hotel, all of it- in one clean itinerary doc we pull up on our phones. We show up. We don’t scramble.

• 💰 High: An FVA who does the full thing- flights, hotels, itineraries, activity bookings, restaurant recs, backup plans if something falls through.

• 🪴 Scrappy: Have your family virtual assistant book just the flights! Even that alone saves you 45 minutes of tab-switching, seat-picking mental load. Have a teen (or a husband who really needs to pull his weight :)). Give them the project! (Read more about how to help husbands do the things here)

  

9. Grocery Shopping

Summer grocery runs with kids are a special kind of chaos.

• 💰 High: Instacart or a similar delivery service, every week, non-negotiable. Build your standard cart and reorder it. (Or have your house manager do that)

• 🪴 Scrappy: Curbside pickup. You order, someone else shops, you pull up and they load your car. Free through most major grocery stores. There is zero reason to walk those aisles in July with two kids.

10. “I’m Bored” Entertainment Planning

This is the one nobody talks about outsourcing but everyone needs.

• 💰 High: A house manager who maps out the whole summer with camps, activities, and downtime so you’re never caught off guard.

• 🪴 Scrappy: Spend 30 minutes making an “I’m Bored” list with your kids- local free events, backyard activities, movie options, whatever- and put it somewhere visible. When it hits (and it will hit), point to the list. You made the decision once. It’s done.

The theme across all of this? You don’t have to do it all. You just have to decide what’s worth your time- and what isn’t.

If you want to go deeper on building out your own outsourcing system, that’s exactly what we’re doing over at Time Alchemy. It’s built for seasons just like this this to strategically outsource and get your time back.

I’m Dr. Brittany Bankhead- trauma surgeon, wife, mom of two, and founder of Modern Mom Alchemy, a company built on Optimizing the Science of Modern Motherhood with real, actionable solutions to the problems moms have been dealing with for forever. Check us out at modernmomalchemy.com

My son needs cleats. Oh & the babysitter is texting asking what time to arrive tonight. My husband forgot groceries yesterday so we have literally nothing to eat. And summer camp for my daughter is filling up fast and I haven’t registered her yet.

All of that. At once. Coming out of surgery.

That’s not multitasking. That’s drowning with a smile (sometimes) on your face.

The thing that gutted me most wasn’t the exhaustion. It was this: I knew I had it in me. I knew I could be a great doctor. A great mom. A great wife. A genuinely present human being. I had all of it inside me. I just never had the TIME to actually be those things because my brain was so full of admin that my actual life was just... passing me by. Every single day. Treading water. On the verge of going under.

And then it would let up for like two days and I’d think “okay, I’m good.” And then it would happen again.

Sound familiar?

Here’s what I eventually figured out: the mental load isn’t just a vibe. It’s not some abstract feminist concept you nod along to. It’s a list. A real, actual, auditable list. And lists can be handled by someone else.

The moment I realized that? Everything started to change.

The audit I wish someone had handed me.

When I started working through this- really working through it, not just complaining about it- I stopped trying to think about it as “work stuff” and “home stuff.” That’s too vague to actually do anything with.

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If your partner is trying to understand? (But they just…don’t.) If they love you and just genuinely cannot see what you’re carrying? This one’s for you.

Here’s the thing about explaining the mental load - it’s almost impossible to do in the abstract. “I do so much” doesn’t land. “I’m overwhelmed” sounds like stress… not a structural problem. What actually works is specificity. Radical (almost annoying) specificity.

Let me give you a real example…

My husband is honestly more advanced than most when it comes to getting it. (Partly because I’ve built a whole business around this stuff and he sees me living it every day.) But even HE had a moment where it didn’t click - until it did.

My daughter’s 8th birthday party. She had originally wanted a small, intimate pool party. Simple. Manageable. Cute. Then my husband, totally innocently, asked her if she was SURE that’s what she wanted. (insert internal scream) She’s 8. So naturally she changed her mind on the spot and decided she wanted the whole class. No other direction. Just: whole class. Big party. Go.

The date was six weeks out. I was in the middle of trauma shifts, post-call, running a business, and all the other life things happening (we were preparing to give a TEDx Talk, for crying out loud!!!) And let’s be honest… I’m completely incapable of doing anything halfway- including children’s birthday parties.

He didn’t understand why it was a big deal. He said he’d help. He meant it! But he still didn’t get it.

So I closed my eyes. And started listing. Every. Single. Thing. Going through my mind.

“Finding a venue that’s close but not too expensive and actually allows kids’ parties. Figuring out who’s even authorized to rent it. What date works for us. What TIME works - late enough to avoid buying full meals but not during little sibling nap time. Where to order decor that’s really cute but not insane. Finding ice cream party theme inspiration on Pinterest in between trauma shifts and being post-call. Can I order a custom sweatshirt from Etsy in time? How much is it? Does she have anything that matches it or do we need to buy that too? Where are the grandparents sleeping if all the party supplies are taking over her room? Do we need paper plates, napkins, cups, cutlery - and does it all match? Who’s making the cake or are we ordering it? From where? Does that bakery do custom? How far in advance do they need the order? What flavor does she actually want this year because last year she changed her mind the week before and we ended up with a red velvet situation nobody asked for? Wait do any of her friends have allergies I forgot. I could ask her teacher; where is her email address again…. ?

And that’s maybe half the list. He stopped me and said: “I get it.”

That’s it. Not a fight. Not a breakdown.

Just the list. Out loud. All of it.

Which brings me to the single most useful thing I’ve ever done to help my husband understand what’s happening inside my brain.

I start to feel the mental load of motherhood wave run over me… and I close my eyes. And I just... word vomit. Everything. I tell him to buckle up because he’s about to see exactly what’s living in my head at this very moment.

The dentist appointment and the Etsy order and the fact that our son needs new cleats and I noticed we’re low on melatonin and I still haven’t RSVPed to that thing and I’m trying to figure out if we have a free weekend before June.

All of it. Out loud. No filter.

It is equal parts hilarious and horrifying for both of us. But it works. Because now it’s not abstract anymore. It’s real. It’s a LOT. And he gets it.

Now here’s where it gets really useful.

Once your partner understands the load, the next step is figuring out how to actually split it in a way that works for both of you. And this is where a business concept I learned changed everything for me personally.

In a lot of businesses, there’s a Visionary and an Integrator. The Visionary is the one dreaming everything up - seeing the big picture, generating the ideas, holding the vision (lots of abstract “mental load,” if you will). The Integrator is the one who takes all of that and executes it. Makes it actually happen.

Here’s the thing: both the visionary and integrator roles are essential. Neither works without the other. And in a lot of relationships, one person is naturally more of a visionary and one is more of an integrator - and neither of you may have ever named it that way before.

In our house, I’m the visionary. My husband is the integrator. I dream up the vacation, the party, the family routine. He executes when I hand him something specific. Neither role is more important. But BOTH people have to genuinely appreciate what the other is doing. That part is non-negotiable. (We say it out loud constantly.)

Spoiler alert: This is us. Visionary + Integrator lol! We were divorced and in our “M2” realize that communication is everything. Understanding the visionary + integrator roles has been so helpful in bridging that gap. (French Riviera, 2024)

Once you understand your dynamic, here’s how to put it to work:

• The word vomit handoff - close your eyes, tell your partner everything running through your brain. All of it. “Buckle up, buddy, you get to see what’s in here.” Let them sit in it for a second. Then figure out together what they can take.

• Is it possible to give them one segment to OWN completely? - Let’s say you’re booking the trip to Vegas. Instead of “Can you help with the hotel?” it’s “Finding the hotel in Vegas is entirely your job.” They research it, book it, put it in the calendar, make sure there’s 2 queen beds, book on the credit card with points, etc. You stay out of it. They own the whole segment of this start to finish & it lightens your load.

• Let them be the integrator of checkboxes on big projects - for a party, you hold the vision and you hand off execution tasks with full ownership. Not “help me” - but “this part is yours.” (Bonus, maybe consider a family virtual assistant if your partner is too busy?)

• For recurring things, they own the WHOLE ENCHILADA - not just the task but everything inside it. Laundry isn’t “can you throw in a load.” It’s gathering, sorting, spot-cleaning, washing, drying, folding, putting away, noticing when detergent is low, knowing when the lint trap needs cleaning. Grocery shopping isn’t “can you pick up a few things.” It’s meal planning, shopping, putting things away, knowing what we’re out of. Start to finish. Every time.

• Name what you need, not just what you feel - not “I do everything” but “I need you to own one recurring household task completely so it never has to live in my brain again.” Anything landscaping / grass / pool / trees / that stupid wasp nest on our porch that keeps coming back… that’s all his. Even if I see the grass is getting high, I let it go because he has owned the outdoors & even if it’s not on my timeline, I know it’s going to get done.

You are not asking for too much. You’re asking to be seen AND to be actually helped with ACTION. That’s was a partnership is.

I’m Dr. Brittany Bankhead - trauma surgeon, wife, mom of two, and founder of Modern Mom Alchemy - a company built on Optimizing the Science of Modern Motherhood with real, actionable solutions to the problems moms have been dealing with for forever. We’re just getting started. Check us out at: modernmomalchemy.com

This is the mental load. And it is relentless. And freakin’ exhausting.

As a trauma surgeon, I can manage a trauma bay. The ABCs of keeping a patient alive - airway, breathing, circulation - are second nature. I can run a code, make split-second decisions, and stay completely calm when everything is on fire. But knowing that my daughter’s best friend’s birthday party is in three weeks, that I need to text the mom this week and not next week, and that my kid will need a gift, a card, wrapping paper, and an outfit that still fits her but “isn’t too hot mom because I’m going to PLAY and that outfit is too hot, Mom”? That specific juggle doesn’t come with a protocol. And somehow it never leaves my brain.

Sound familiar?

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There’s a text thread. You know the one. Your neighborhood moms, your sisters, your closest friends. And at some point, usually around 9pm when everyone should be asleep, someone sends a message like “okay wait, am I the only one who packs the bag, plans the snacks, maps the parking, AND pre-worries about the traffic before every single trip we take as a family?” And then 15 thumbs up emojis and 3 crying laughing faces because yes. Yes, that is everyone. That is all of us.

Here’s just some of what lives rent-free in your head right now:

• Knowing your kid has outgrown their shorts before they say a word about it

• Refilling prescriptions before anyone notices they’re almost out

• Realizing a birthday is coming up and mentally booking the venue, buying the gift, and planning the outfit - weeks before anyone else has thought about it once

• Tracking which friendships are thriving and which ones are quietly fading

• Parking near the exit so you can actually get home at a reasonable hour

• Knowing exactly which snacks your kids will eat right now, not the ones they liked three months ago

• Being hangry-aware before anyone melts down

• Noticing when your teenager goes quiet and knowing that means something

• Being the keeper of the calendar no one else checks

• Making sure the years don’t just blur together - planning the beach day, the wiffle ball afternoon in the front yard, the vacation that becomes the memory they talk about for years

• Knowing which activity or sport is right for where your kid is emotionally this season

• Stocking the fridge for the week based on everyone’s schedule, not just what sounds easy

• Feeling the weight of all of it while looking completely fine

No one gave you a job description. No one measures this work. Most days, no one even sees it.

But I do.

Here’s a couple of practical & actionable tips for the invisible mental load that have worked for our dual-physician, 2 kids, busy AF family:

• Put an index card on the front door (or fridge?) with everything your kid needs before school - and make it their job to check it, not yours. “But they’re too little!” Ummmmm, can they read? Then they can participate, girl! (Can’t read? What about pictures or stickers?)

• Add a “running low” note on the fridge so anyone in the house can flag it before it becomes your emergency. Make groceries (or app orders or delivery or whatever it is you do!) the same day every week so everyone has the same expectations.

• Block one weekend moment per week in the calendar like it’s a meeting - wiffle ball counts. Pool dates count. Walks or bike rides count. Just like you would honor the time a meeting is on the calendar, do the same. (But by being on the calendar, it takes the task out of your mind and tangibly puts it somewhere you won’t forget.)

Whatever you do… know that you’re not in this alone! Many other mamas are here with you. Subscribe and stay tuned for like-mindedness and other action-specific ways to optimize modern motherhood!

I’m Dr. Brittany Bankhead- trauma surgeon, wife, mom of two, and founder of Modern Mom Alchemy - a company built on the science of modern motherhood with real, actionable solutions to the problems moms have been quietly carrying for too long. We’re just getting started. Check us out at: modernmomalchemy.com

Let me start with something important.

Your outsourcing is not going to look like mine. It shouldn’t. We are in different seasons, different cities, different budgets, different careers, different relationships. What saved my sanity in residency would have been completely wrong for me now. What works for us today might not (probably won’t) work for us in two years.

The single biggest mistake I see working moms make- after the money guilt, which we’ve already talked about- is trying to copy someone else’s system instead of building their own. Or worse: getting something that works and refusing to let it evolve because change feels hard.

Your outsourcing has to grow with you. Just like your childcare did (or should have, wink wink :))

So here’s my honest audit + evolution- a real example of what intentional outsourcing actually looks like over time when you stop making it once size fits all. (Spoiler alert, it doesn’t.)

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Not in a dramatic way. Just in the way where packing for a trip isn’t packing for a trip. It’s checking the forecast for where we’re going. Remembering the plane will be cold. Packing a jacket- both mine and our daughter’s. Tucking a change of clothes in the carry-on in case the luggage gets lost or someone spills. Making sure the snacks are in my bag, the ponytails, the chargers, a copy of every confirmation number in its own note so I can find it in under 10 seconds if I need to. And four weeks before any of that? Noticing her shoes were too small and filing it away until I could do something about it so we don’t hear the whining while walking that RUINS THE TRIP.

My partner helped. He really did. But I was still the one who held the whole trip in my head from start to finish.

That’s the mental load. Not the tasks- the thinking behind the tasks. The anticipating, the tracking, the knowing. The part that doesn’t show up on any shared to-do list because it lives entirely in your head.

Welcome to Validation Station. This is the work nobody sees- but you’re doing it anyway

01 · You prevent problems nobody knows almost happened

The medicine refilled before it ran out. The appointment scheduled before anyone asked. The shoes replaced before the trip. When you do it right, nothing goes wrong- and nobody knows you did anything at all.

02 · You’re running the household operating system

The schedules, the permission slips, who needs what and when. You’re not just doing tasks- you’re holding the entire system in your head so everyone else can just show up.

03 · You read the emotional room before you walk in

You know who’s off today. Who needs more patience tonight. Who’s going to fall apart if the routine shifts. You adjust before anyone asks- and because it looks like intuition, nobody counts it as labor.

04 · Your bag is a survival kit you packed alone

Snacks, a spare hair tie, ibuprofen, the charger, the backup plan. Assembled from a hundred tiny moments of thinking ahead- for everyone but yourself.

05 · Delegating costs you more than just doing it

You ask for help, then track whether it happened. You quietly redo it when it doesn’t land right. You wonder if asking was even worth it. The mental overhead of handing something off can be more exhausting than the task itself.

06 · Rest that doesn’t actually rest you

You sit down and your brain keeps going. Running through what you forgot, what’s tomorrow, whether you handled that thing the right way. The mental load doesn’t clock out when you do.

Here’s the part that’s hard to admit… especially for women like us, who handle everything:

Calling this a problem feels silly. We don’t love saying this is too much. We’re the ones who figure it out. We are GOOD at figuring it out. So we keep going- until the exhaustion stops feeling like a bad week and starts feeling like just... life.

But naming it isn’t weakness. It’s the first honest thing you can do for yourself. Here’s the GOOD NEWS!!!!!!

The mental load isn’t a you problem. Or even a “this is how life just is” problem. It’s a design problem. And design problems have solutions!!!

Validation is step one. The actionable stuff… how to actually name this to your partner, how to audit what’s draining you most, how to build something that doesn’t rely entirely on you… that’s what this series is for. Subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming next… :)

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By the way… Knowing the exhaustion of the mental load of motherhood is real and “naming it” (I hate that phrase lol - but it’s true)- is more powerful than you think. Most women spend years just surviving it and not even realizing the value it carries for their family dynamic. Hugs to you for realizing what a big deal this is!

Dr. Brittany Bankhead built Modern Mom Lab as a way to help women optimize the science of modern motherhood. Check out more of what they offer here!

Not the logistics. Not even the time. The guilt of spending money on something you could technically do yourself.

Let me back up.

There was a season of our life- deep in residency, two kids, student loans stacked on top of student loans- where we were genuinely watching every dollar. And I mean watching. We had a spreadsheet. We would only split 1 meal when we went out & ordered water. Or we made one casserole at the beginning of the week and ate off it for days.

And we did all of that completely willingly, without a single ounce of resentment, because it meant we could afford the childcare we wanted. The nanny who knew our kids, who they were comfortable with, who felt like an extension of our family. We never once saw that as a sacrifice. It was just the math of keeping our family healthy and together.

But here’s what’s funny… we would move mountains for that childcare budget. But then I’d hesitate over hiring someone to do the laundry.

For a long time, outsourcing beyond childcare felt like it was for other people.

People with more money. People in the next stage of life. People who were, if I’m honest, a little bougie in a way I wasn’t comfortable claiming for myself. We had student loans. We had kids. We had a list of things to spend money on that felt more justified than paying someone to fold my clothes.

And even once the financial pressure started to ease- once we were further along in our careers and the spreadsheet wasn’t quite so tight- I still hesitated. Because by then it wasn’t really about the money anymore. It was about the feeling. The sense that spending money on help for myself was an indulgence in a way that spending money on my kids never was.

What I didn’t see yet was that those two things were the same thing.

The shift didn’t happen overnight, but more so happened with repeatedly having the SAME feelings WEEK AFTER WEEK of “I feel like I’m drowning in to-do lists”… and seeing that other physician moms on facebook groups and in my immediate circle felt the exact same way.

I thought about childcare… & about how we had always just decided that whatever it took, we would make it work, because our kids’ happiness and safety and comfort was non-negotiable. We didn’t ask if we could afford a good nanny. We asked what we needed to rearrange to make it happen.

Photo: Mom & Knox during my PGY5 general surgery residency year

And then I finally realized: why have I never once applied that same logic to myself? Why was I willing to spend whatever it took to make sure my kids were well taken care of- but not to make sure I was?

Why did my kids’ needs get the “we’ll figure it out” energy, and mine got the “that feels excessive” energy?

I couldn’t actually answer that question. And once I couldn’t answer it, the guilt started to lose its grip.

Here’s what I know now that I wish I’d known sooner.

Laundry never felt hard to me. It felt wasteful to pay someone else to do it because I was clearly capable of doing it myself.

The point is that the hours I was spending on laundry — and the low-grade mental hum of knowing it needed to be done, and the Tuesday evening I’d lose to it, and the Sunday I’d spend catching up — that wasn’t for free. It was costing me something. I just wasn’t counting it because it didn’t show up on a budget spreadsheet.

Same with scheduling. I am an academic trauma surgeon. I am more than capable of scheduling my own appointments. I can do it between cases, in the two minutes I sit down, in the margins of an already full day. But the mental load of tracking it, remembering it, switching contexts to handle it — I never want to spend that again. Not because I can’t. Because I’ve decided that’s not what I want to spend myself on.

That’s not laziness. That’s a strategy.

(By the way… Here’s another reframe that changed everything for me, maybe even more than the rest: When I hire someone, I’m not just buying back my time. I’m giving someone a job! Someone who is genuinely skilled at the things I’m not prioritizing. Someone who is providing for their own family with that work. Someone who takes pride in doing it well. It’s not a transaction where I’m on top and they’re beneath. It’s a partnership. I bring what I’m good at. They bring what they’re good at. And both of our families are better for it. That reframe made the guilt evaporate in another way that the logic never quite could.)

I also want to say this, because I know what you might be thinking: this is fine for you, but I genuinely cannot afford it.

And I hear that. I’ve been there. But one of the most important things I’ve learned is that help doesn’t have to be full-time or top-tier or expensive to be transformative. You don’t have to hire a full household staff to get your life back. You can combine roles. You can hire someone part-time, or for one specific thing, or for just a few hours a week. The system matters more than the budget. When you get specific about what you actually need and what you can actually afford — and you hire intentionally from the beginning — you can build something that works beautifully without breaking anything.

Outsourcing isn’t a line item you add when you’ve checked every other box. In our house, it’s a cornerstone. The foundation. And then we build the extras on top of it.

My kids said something to me a few years ago that I think about all the time.

“You seem like you’re actually here.”

Not because I’m doing less. Not because I stopped caring about the details of our life. But because the details that used to pull me away — the mental list, the laundry pile, the appointment I needed to schedule — those aren’t mine to carry alone anymore.

Our bedtimes are sweeter now. I am present in a way I couldn’t be when I was doing everything.

That’s not a luxury. That’s the whole point.

If you’re still carrying the money guilt, sit with this: you would spend whatever it took on the people you love most. You are one of those people! You matter, too.

Check out Modern Mom Lab here for more actionable strategies, including Time Alchemy, on outsourcing with strategy.

It’s 6:47am in West Texas. I’m an academic trauma surgeon- meaning I have been either in school, in training, or operating on people for literally my entire adult life. I had my first baby in medical school. My second in general surgery residency. I have been doing hard things for a long time and I have genuinely never shied away from that.

But on this particular morning, the kitchen looks like a lunchbox exploded. There are crusts cut off sandwiches on the counter- because apparently we are in a crust phase (#iykyk), ziploc bags open everywhere, backpacks half-zipped, and someone’s shoe is inexplicably in the middle of the floor doing absolutely nothing for anyone. We are in the blur. The beautiful, chaotic, totally unsustainable blur of getting small humans out the door while, hello…. I am also a person who has to go perform surgery.

And I know- I know- that all of it is going to be sitting right there waiting for me when I get home.

Not just the kitchen. The mental list. The doctors appointments I still haven’t scheduled. The trip I’ve been meaning to plan for three months. The permission slip. The thing I told myself I’d order online “when I get a second.” Every spare moment I had- sitting down for two minutes between cases, a quick bathroom break at the hospital- I was on my phone trying to chip away at the mountain of life-logistics that somehow never got smaller no matter how fast I moved.

I was doing it all. And I was exhausted in a way that sleep wasn’t fixing.

Here’s what I believed for a long time: childcare was the line.

You hire childcare because you have to- because you physically cannot be in two places at once and someone has to watch your kids while you work. That felt acceptable. That felt necessary. But anything beyond that? That was for rich people. That was excessive. That was, if I’m being honest with myself, something I associated with women who couldn’t handle things.

Pic: Tinsley (age 2) and I in 2020 while I participated on a national trauma virtual panel

My mom was a teacher and then a stay at home mom. She was always there. So many of my friends had left their careers when they had kids. And here I was- not only working, but working a lot- already feeling like I was constantly justifying my choices to some invisible jury in my head. Hiring a nanny had been a big step. Hiring a house cleaner felt like pushing it. Anything beyond that felt like proof of something I didn’t want to be.

What I didn’t realize was that I had built myself a very small box and called it “reasonable.”

The shift didn’t come from one dramatic moment. It came from women who already lived it.

Physician moms, working moms, women in Facebook groups at 11pm (shoutout “PMG”!) who were also tired and also brilliant and also trying to figure out how to do this without losing themselves entirely. And somewhere in those conversations, a reframe started to take hold.

You can have it all. You just cannot possibly do it all.

It wasn’t about capability. OBVI. This is so important and a HUGE problem among capable SMART women. I am VERY capable. You are VERY capable. That was never the question. The question was…

…why are you spending your finite, irreplaceable time and energy on things someone else could do — just so you can say you did them yourself?

Because here’s what I had to sit with: buying the groceries was not making me a better mom. Running the errand was not making me a better wife. Doing every single thing on the list was not making me more present- it was making me less present, because I was always half-somewhere-else, mentally managing the next thing.

The women I was learning from weren’t outsourcing because they were lazy or wealthy or didn’t care. They were outsourcing because they had decided that their time with their kids, their time at work, their time with their spouse — that time was worth protecting. And the stuff filling up the rest of the day? That was just logistics. Logistics can be delegated.

When help started coming into our home beyond a house cleaner — real, meaningful, more help — it felt like someone had breathed life into me where I didn’t know I lacked oxygen.

I came home from work and went straight to my kids instead of straight to the grocery store. I sat down to dinner and was actually there- not mentally cataloguing everything that still needed to happen before bedtime… but able to have REAL conversations with them. My husband and I had capacity for each other again. And the dog got walked. The appointment got scheduled. The trip got planned.

And I was a better mom. Not because someone else was raising my children — they weren’t. But because I stopped confusing doing everything with being everything to the people I love.

I want to be clear about something, because I know the voice in your head right now.

This is not a post telling you to outsource your way to happiness. It’s not a post for women with unlimited budgets or perfect circumstances. It’s a post for the woman who, like me, had quietly decided that needing help beyond the bare minimum meant something bad about her.

It doesn’t.

Needing help is not a character flaw. Wanting more capacity is not selfish. Choosing to protect your time for the things that actually require you — your presence, your love, your expertise — is one of the most strategic and generous things you can do for your family.

You’ve worked too hard to spend your life drowning in logistics.

You’re allowed to have more help than you think.

This is what we talk about here! Not perfection. Not having it all figured out. Just the slow, (sometimes out of your comfort zone) process of building a life that actually works- for the modern mom who’s ready to stop surviving and start living life to the full.

If you’re interested in learning more about a blueprint to help you get back more time, check out Time Alchemy.

I’m so glad you’re here!