What does it mean to be with myself truly? Even in this formulation it seems that there is a “me” that can choose to be or not to be with “myself.”

The way I understand it, is that to be with myself truly means to stop pretending that there is a “me” that can choose to not be with “myself.” There is nobody there. There’s nobody even that can pretend. It’s all a loop.

I mean, in conventional reality, sure — you can call me Ursula. But I am not convinced that there is such a thing as an individual soul. It’s just what’s happening. There’s nobody in charge here. Really. Sometimes to say this shocks people. They fear that I am dangerous or something. I just experience the world differently.

My spiritual teacher once said that it would be much better for someone with mental health issues to go on a walk with a simple guy who has no knowledge of psychology at all and is happy than to spend an hour in a therapy room with a depressed therapist who graduated from Cambridge.

Knowledge of psychology or spirituality isn’t necessarily useless; it is just not a substitute for what you are underneath all of that. Not an individual soul, not a body, not a mind… Something else. I don’t know what. I think it’s better that way actually. I don’t want to know.

I’m okay as I am.

A light flickers

At the center of my heart

It whispers, I am you

It whispers, I know

I don't quite understand its language

I don't know what it says

Yet somehow it makes sense

Somehow

This stillness knows what it needs

It knows how to express itself

I am a body at its service

I want to know it

I want to understand it

I want to become it

But I am not separate

from you,

It whispers

Nothing is hidden. Nothing is lost. Nothing is gained.

All is simply illuminated.

Light

Everywhere.

However, to feel shame is not a condemnation for Eternity. It is a calling towards what is right. It purifies the system from all that does not belong. To stop the shame spiral is something that is within our full control. It is only when the shame stops that curiosity can spring and the realization that I never meant to harm myself, I was just feeling the immense energetic weight of my ancestral trauma and lacked the awareness to properly understand it, can fully land.

Then I can feel the sense of lack, fully and raw. Just as how it has always been, but covered by attempts to suppress it. To meet this sense of lack with full attention and love and the reassurance that now you are safe, that now there is abundance, that now there is no need to worry about your survival, is healing for generations before and generations ahead. It touches everything you do, everything you say, everything in your universe. It elevates everything you touch.

It opens an energetic pathway for those who come across you to release the shame about whatever they might be feeling trapped by, and the courage to face the sense of lack within them too.

This depth carries weight and communicates itself before words.

To forgive that which seems unforgivable.

To love that which seems unloveable.

True unconditional love.

I carry on joyfully following this assignment alongside my brothers and sisters on Earth.

So you're not doing anything bad, you are just looking in the wrong place (somewhere “outside,” instead of inside). Desire is a wheel that never ends, it's a machine of "never enough," and "I need more."

You are seeking relief from suffering rather than actually wanting to have anything to do with the world.

This part of you isn't bad, it's a part of the infinite tapestry of you expressing itself. It's a configuration of you. There isn't a fixed controller behind desire. This program is responsive to your attention.

Seeing this deeply reveals you are not merely a participant, a separate character in the movie of life but the conscious intelligence creating and experiencing everything -- the ultimate source of your own gratitude, joy, and peace.

I am talking about the joy that there is something here, at all. I am talking about the joy of being able to communicate with one another. I am talking about the joy of being able to understand where someone else is coming from. I am talking about the joy of being seen. I am talking about the joy of breathing the same air as another human being. The joy of looking into the eyes of a pet. The joy of contemplating the infinity of the sky. The joy of a beating heart. The joy that there is intelligence.

This is very vulnerable. It is intimate. It is our real self, it is a shared experience. Joy and love are always shared, they never belong to anyone.

Are you afraid of joy?

Let us open the windows and let the air in, let us look at the blue sky.

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