What does it mean to be seen by someone?

As a widow, it’s a struggle because I miss having a person who knows everything about me so well that I don’t need to explain backstories or how I’m feeling or what I want. It’s someone who remembers and shows up. Someone who reads my thought, finishes my sentence or takes care of something before I need to. He knows the inside jokes and laughs at the same time I do in certain situations. He has my show cued up and ready when I walk in the room with my snack. He senses my stress level and suggests a walk to the beach after helping with the dinner dishes.

This is not the same as being noticed. Being seen implies connection, a turning toward, a certain level of knowing a person, even intimacy.

Being seen isn’t just a couples’ thing. I feel seen when my friend remembers that my anniversary is coming up and asks me questions about my wedding day; when a church member brings a hot meal the week of VBS because she knows how tired and busy we are; when a friend I asked to pray about something checks back a week later for an update; when someone greets me as a church visitor and invites me to sit with them; when a sibling calls on their drive home to check in and make sure I’m good.

The first, and only time we see God referred to as El Roi - the God Who sees - is in Genesis 16.

“Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her ‘You-are-the-God-Who-sees;’ for she said, ‘Have I also here seen Him who see me?’” Genesis 16:13

Hagar was in a very vulnerable place. She was a lowly servant who had done what was asked of her and been treated unfairly, driven away from her home and into the desert. It was in that place that the God of the universe saw her. He didn’t just notice that she was there. He drew near and engaged with her in her loneliness and despair.

Before He rescues her, He sees her.

He asked questions and had her name her pain. He tells her His plan and promises a future blessing. He’s not subtle about it. She clearly experienced being met where she was and fully known in that moment.

She is the first person to give God a name based on a personal interaction with Him. And He records it in Scripture so generations of people can read her story and connect with the very same El Roi who sees them too.

You can make a statement about someone’s character based on repeated patterns of behavior. Even though this is the only time we see the name El Roi in scripture, it is not the only time we see God turning toward people and seeing them.

In Genesis 29:33 Leah says, “Yahweh has seen my affliction.” He saw her longing to bear a child and gave her that. She recognized His involvement.

In Exodus 3:7 God says, “I have surely seen [to perceive, to regard, to give attention to] the affliction of my people who are in Egypt, and I have heard [to hear with attention or interest, to understand, to listen and give heed] their cry because of their taskmasters, for I know [to perceive, to know by experience, to be acquainted with] their suffering.” When you include the amplified definitions of the hebrew words used in this verse, you can clearly see that this is NOT the same as noticing. These verbs involve very actively engaging.

That seeing, hearing and knowing leads to His response in 3:8 - “I have come down to deliver them…to bring them up…to a land flowing with milk and honey…” God was fully aware of their situation and turned toward them to get involved in their rescue.

Psalm 34:15 - “The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and He hears their cry.”

In Psalm 56, David has been captured by the Philistines in Gath. The first seven verses are him crying out to God for mercy and anchoring his heart to the truths that God is near and trustworthy. Then David switches from “they lie in wait for my life” to “You have taken account of my wanderings [You see me]; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?” Does that sound like a distant and disconnected God? What tenderness and lovingkindness is on display as God tracks and collects our tears!

1 Samuel 16:7 - “…man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

Psalm 33:13-15 tells us that God looks down from His dwelling place and sees all the sons of men. He fashions their hearts and understands all their works.

Job 34:21 - “For His eyes are on the ways of man and He sees all his steps.”

Job 34:28 - “He hears the cry of the afflicted.”

While working on this essay, I chased a rabbit down a hole to explore what would be needed if I was trying to build a case proving that God is a God who sees. I learned that courts look for: multiple independent witnesses or sources (✓), consistency across time (✓), evidence from different contexts (✓), documentation (✓), and corroborating physical evidence (✓), among other things. When these things are present, it is determined that the party has met the required burden of proof.

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We can continue building our case into the New Testament.

Jesus is the physical representation of God. Hebrews 1:3 tells us that Jesus is, “the brightness of [God’s] glory and the express image of His person…” Jesus is the exact imprint, a perfect reflection of God’s nature and essence. He is God in the flesh.

In John 1:48, Jesus sees Nathan under the fig tree before they even met.

Height challenged Zaccheus climbs a tree to see Jesus passing by in Luke 19. Jesus doesn’t just notice him, but He sees his heart and comes to his house.

Jesus and his disciples happened upon a funeral procession in Luke 7 where a widow was about to bury her son. “When the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her…” He raised her son from the dead!

Mark records a conversation between Jesus and a rich, young ruler in chapter 10 of his book. Verse 21 says, “Then Jesus, looking at him, loved him…” He lovingly speaks truth that will pierce through what is holding this young ruler back.

In John 4 we see Jesus breaking down social barriers to speak to a Samaritan woman and ask her for a drink. He sees past her vague answers to the details of her life. He doesn’t shame her but rather invites her to drink of the living waters of eternal life that He offers.

Time and time again through the gospels we see accounts of Jesus looking on the crowds and having compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd.

I think we’ve built a rock-solid case here! Beyond any reasonable doubt. A pattern of behavior has been firmly established. The God of the universe, our Creator, our Lord and Savior is invested in us. He turns toward us. He engages with us right where we are. He SEES us! His seeing is underscored by His compassion and followed up with action on our behalf.

What does this look like in my day to day? I’ll give you a few recent examples.

As I was meditating on some of these truths last week while driving, I looked out my passenger window and noticed a beautiful cloud arrangement with rays of sunshine streaming through the cracks. Out loud I said, “I see You too, God. Thanks.”

A few days ago, I went to bed with so many burdens of friends and family on my mind and heart. I made a conscious effort to practice what I wrote about recently on casting our cares and began to one-by-one list them in prayer. “God, I hand you this care…I know You care for them and have a plan. Please…” I fell asleep maybe a quarter of the way through my list. I woke up still feeling the weight of the world. The worship initiative song of the day was the old chorus “Cast My Cares.” I just smiled up at Him.

An hour later I was standing in front of the window, eating my egg bite before leaving for work and watching a bird in the yard. We’d had a lot of rain the night before and the ground was soft. The bird easily pulled a worm up from the ground and began feasting. God knows how much I love to watch birds. I very clearly heard that still, small voice in my heart. “I’ve got him. And I’ve got you. And I’ve got all of your concerns.”

“His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me!”

How about you today? Are you feeling forgotten, lonely, abandoned, disconnected? Is there a situation that isn’t resolving or a prayer that hasn’t been answered? Maybe like David, you’re saying, “How long, Oh Lord?”

Tether your heart to the fact that El Roi, sees you, turns toward you, is filled with compassion for you, and wants to act on your behalf! He is an ever-present help. Ask Him to make you more aware of His presence. Look for His gifts of goodness all around you today. When you see one, say it out loud! Acknowledge to someone else, “that was from God to me!” He sees you.

“For your husband is your Maker,

Whose name is Yahweh of hosts;

And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel,

Who is called the God of all the earth.” Isaiah 54:5 (LSB)

There are days when this is a beautiful and comforting concept. There are other days when my soul pushes back against this with the thought that “it’s not the same at all.” Which is true. It’s not the same. I don’t think it will ever be the same. I am not sure it’s actually supposed to be the same. We are comparing apples to oranges, as the analogy goes. The spiritual with the physical. The perfect with the flawed. The invisible with the visible. Heaven with earth. The immortal with mortality.

While acknowledging the stark difference, I can also recognize what I am missing in a physical life partner and then turn toward my Heavenly Husband, allowing Him to fill the places that are now lacking. Will it always remove the longing? Probably not, but the practice will keep the posture of my heart turned toward the One who can satisfy emptiness more completely than any human ultimately could. And in the moments when the breath leaves my lungs at the thought of never again being wrapped in a muscular hug by Zack, my Redeemer will sit in that with me until I can take a deep breath again.

Just four days after marking the second anniversary of Zack’s Homegoing, I came to OCMD for a silent retreat. My first getaway specifically with God. The beginning of year three, a year of regaining my footing and finding normal again, Lord willing. I spent 36 hours not communicating with anyone but God or allowing outside voices like social media or tv into my heart or mind. My hope and prayer were to connect with Him in a fresh way and to search out in scripture nuggets of truth teaching me how He could fill some of those roles that were left unattended after January 5, 2024. This is a summary of what He gave me that weekend and added to over the last six months.

As Zack’s wife, I was seen. I have a handful of photos where the camera captured him looking at me instead of the photographer. If I dressed up, he noticed. If I changed my hair or got my nails done, he commented. When I would walk into church or a room where he was, we would make eye contact and have a conversation without any words.

In Genesis 16 we find the story of Hagar, an Egyptian maidservant who has been mistreated by her mistress and fled to the wilderness. An angel of Yahweh meets her there and lets her know God sees her, hears her and has a promise for her. “Then she called the name of LORD who spoke to her You-are-the-God-who-sees; for she said, ‘Have I also here seen Him who sees me?’” (Genesis 16:13)

We are also reminded in 2 Chronicles 16:9 that the eyes of the Lord run to and fro on the whole earth to show Himself strong on my behalf. God’s face is always turned toward me. He sees me in ways Zack was not even able to. I am still seen.

As Zack’s wife, I was thought of. I’ll give you just one example. We used different settings on the showerhead. Every single time he finished his shower, he would turn the showerhead to my preferred setting before he got out, so that whenever I got in, it would be where I liked it. The loss of your person always looking out for you is one that hits fresh over and over every time you have to take care of something yourself.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

“How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand…?” Psalm 139:17-18

“Yahweh your God is in your midst…He will rejoice over you with joyful singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

It can’t even be calculated how much God thinks about me. And His thoughts are only ever for my good. I am still thought of.

As Zack’s wife, I was led and guided. Zack was a strong, leading presence and also a gentleman. We had this “dance” down to perfection. He would always step to the side to let me enter/exit a room or building first. But then I’d step to the side because I didn’t want to be in the front or the lead. It felt impossible having to think for myself and make all the decisions and figure out where to go and what to do after his death. I hated when people asked me to decide where to go eat. I missed just following. Even now, after two years, I feel like I’m just starting to put on some emotional muscle in that area.

“Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He SHALL direct your paths.” Prov. 3:5-6

“Your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, ‘This is the way. Walk in it,’ whenever you turn to the right hand or whenever you turn toward the left.” Isaiah 30:21

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.” Psalm 32:8

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them and they follow Me.” John 10:27

Lead on, Good Shepherd! I am still led and guided.

As Zack’s wife, I was spoiled with gifts. His love language was gift giving. He loved getting them, but he REALLY loved giving them. Every year at Christmas I would be annoyed because my pile was bigger than the kids’ piles. He loved buying me fresh flowers and surprising me with sweet treats. Holidays and birthdays can feel so dull after loss.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights…” James 1:17

“If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him.” Matt. 7:11

“Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift.” 2 Corinthians 9:15

I just have to quickly flip through my gratitude journals or the photos on my phone to see the countless gifts God pours out on me every day. (He even designed a bug whose butt lights up at night for me to enjoy in the summer!) I am still spoiled!

As Zack’s wife, I found myself laughing daily. He was so quick witted and funny! There were countless times that I embarrassed myself in public because I burst out laughing at a text he sent me. He considered it his duty as my husband to make me belly laugh at least once a day. We often had in-home date nights and watched comedy specials. There were plenty of days where stress or tension didn’t leave room for laughter, but our marriage was marked specifically by a love for laughing together. I still will laugh out loud when I remember some of the things he said or did.

“Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.' The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad.” Psalm 126:2-3

“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting.” Job 8:21

“A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” Ecclesiastes 3:4

“In your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11

“I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them and give them gladness for sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:13

“These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” John 15:11

Laughter was one thing I determined early on I would not lose. I needed it to remain a part of my daily life. God brought new, clean comedians across my path just months after Zack passed. It felt so hollow at first to laugh in the midst of intense grief. I was intentional to seek it out, and God continues to bring so much joy into my daily life, despite the sorrow. I am still laughing daily.

As Zack’s wife, I was protected and safe. I didn’t realize how much I took this for granted. He was over the top when it came to watching out for us. A lot of times it annoyed me. It wasn’t until that security was gone that I was even aware that there were dangers around me. He always positioned himself between me and people or possible threats when we were in public. I walked through life almost blindfolded from danger, light and carefree with a borrowed courage, knowing he carried the weight of being watchful for all of us. I went from blissfully unaware to holding pepper spray in one hand when I answered the door.

Psalm 18:30-32 (amplified by me and Strong’s)

“As for God, His way is [refined, tested and proven true]; the word of Yahweh is [complete, entirely in accord with truth and fact, without blemish]. He is a [shield, buckler, defense] to all who [seek refuge, flee for protection, put trust in, confide in, hope in] Him.

For who is God, but Yahweh? And who is a [rock, block of stone, boulder] except our God.

The God who [girds, equips, clothes] me with [strength, might, efficiency, army] and makes my [road, way, path, journey, distance, direction] [perfect, without blemish, whole, complete, sound, healthful].”

“The Lord will keep you from all harm— He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” Psalm 121:7-8

It takes more intention to be aware of God’s protection because His presence isn’t visible and physical. “But I know He watches me.” I am still protected and safe.

As Zack’s wife, I was wooed with love letters. He did a lot of processing his thoughts by writing them out. He had beautiful cursive, too. I have boxes and boxes of cards and notes and letters that he wrote to me over the years. Sometimes it was an apology, sometimes a love letter, and sometimes a silly poem on a napkin because I forgot to include a spoon with the yogurt in his lunch.

“How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth.” Psalm 119:103

“Oh, how I love Your law. It is my meditation all the day.” Psalm 119:97

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

“All scripture is God-breathed…” 2 Timothy 3:16a

I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am for God’s love letter to me in His word. It’s where I learn who He is and what He is all about. It’s full of promises of His care for me and examples of His love for me. He brings verses to my mind and heart when I need reminders and encouragement. I am still pursued with love letters.

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As Zack’s wife, I was held. Daily. This one is tough for me even still. Truthfully, they are all tough depending on the day and what I’m missing most, but this is one where some days my soul screams, “IT’S NOT THE SAME!!” And it’s not. Being held by a husband is a very physical and tangible experience. I haven’t found adequate words to express how much I miss that, long for that and can mentally spin out to despair when I dwell on the thought of not experiencing that again.

“Fear not, for I am with you... I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Deuteronomy 33:27

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

I have learned that in times of despair or longing, He sees me and sits with me. He never promises to take away trouble or suffering, but He does promise to be present with me through it and to carry me with His strength. While I can’t tell you after 2 1/2 years that the longing to be held physically goes away, I can tell you with full confidence that He will sustain you in those moments. I am still held!

The journey to discover all the different ways that God will be a Husband to me is ongoing. This is in no way meant to dismiss the intense emptiness that can almost feel soul crushing when the person you became one with is ripped away from your life. (If that sounds dramatic to you, be thankful you haven’t had to walk that road or try to describe it.) I was known so completely by “my other half.” It’s easy to feel lost and incomplete without him in my life anymore.

But God.

When I take them time to sit and read through passages like Psalm 139, I am reminded that He knows me; He understands my thoughts; He is intimately acquainted with all my ways; He formed my inward parts; He knows my words before I form them; He has put His hand upon me; I cannot escape His presence. I am known more deeply and intimately by my Creator than I ever was by my husband! As I sit and soak my heart in those truths (“marinate in His word” as Zack used to say), He begins to answer my prayer from Psalm 90:14, “satisfy me with Your love.”

Today would’ve been our 29th wedding anniversary. My earthly marriage to Zack was a picture of my covenant relationship with God. That covenant relationship is still very much active and alive. The more I pursue His presence through His word, worship and prayer, the more I find healing for my broken heart and satisfaction in Him as my husband. Will I ever get to the point where I have no more longing for Zack? Probably not on this earth, but I fix my eyes on the eternal hope that we will be together again celebrating for all of eternity!

Until then, I will continue to pursue my Heavenly Husband and enjoy all the ways that He showers me with His love and thank Him for the 26 years of marriage I had with Zack.

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(a pic of my grandson “fishing” just because it’s so cute!)

My heart’s desire is to be able to write from a place of mastery. I want to tell you what I used to struggle with and how I learned to defeate it and make it to the proverbial “other side.” I feel like what readers need is for me to give them a three-step plan to defeat this struggle in their own lives, so they experience victory like I have. Ok, yeah. I heard that as I typed it. That sounds more like pride hiding behind the mask of sanctification. Thank You, Holy Spirit, for Your conviction.

Join me on the mat, and let’s wrestle this out together.

This life often feels too heavy. Even as I sit here writing, my prayer is “God, how can I write about something I’m struggling to do?” I have one parent with a pretty limited timeline and another so weary from the weight and responsibility of walking their spouse Home. My 20-something kids are in various stages of frustration trying to figure out this adulting thing, and I can’t fix it for them. My friend in Ukraine doesn’t know how much longer they can endure. Grief still knocks my feet out from under me every so often. I could keep going.

“It’s too much! My shoulders aren’t meant to carry this much weight, Lord!”

Then the Holy Spirit’s still, small voice brings 1 Peter 5:7 immediately to mind – “casting all your cares on Him because He cares for you.”

“I keep doing that every night, but then they’re still there waiting for me in the morning!”

When I think about casting, I instinctively picture fishing. Casting your line. Reeling it back in. Oh, wait! That’s exactly what I’m doing with my cares! That can’t be what this verse means when it uses the word “cast.” Let’s dig in and see what this verse is actually telling us to do.

The first thing I notice when I slow down is that this commonly quoted line is actually the end of a sentence. You have to back up to verse 6 to get the whole thought.

“Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” (LSB)

If you take the time to look up the definitions of the key words used here, it amplifies the meaning in such a powerful way. Here it is with the added definitions.

Therefore (since God gives grace to the humble) humble yourselves (assign a lower rank to yourself) under the mighty (of the power of God) hand of God, that He may exalt (raise you to the summit of prosperity; raise you to honor and dignity) at the proper time (a fixed and definite time – the right time), casting (placing upon someone else; not just tossing them away) your cares (anxieties, distractions) on Him because He cares for (takes care of) you.

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~~ The verb cast here isn’t the main verb of this sentence. The main verb comes from the beginning of the sentence in verse 6. Humble yourselves. We are to cast our care from a position of humility. What does that look like? It’s not “here, God. I need You to take this and fix it by doing xyz.” It is a heart bowed in surrender that says, “Lord, this is heavy. I am giving it to You because I was never meant to carry or control this. I know You are good and will take extra care of this concern because You love me. I trust You, and I rest in Your will.” It is actually pride that keeps us holding onto our cares; nursing them with worry and fearful thoughts; trying to control outcomes. The natural fruit of assigning a lower rank to ourselves and our anxieties under the mighty hand of God is placing our cares in His hands.

~~ Notice that one of the definitions for cares is “distractions.” That gave me pause. What is life, or the enemy, getting me to focus on that is distracting me from my main purpose or from a heart of gratitude or from my Savior’s face?

We were never meant to be the burden bearers of the weight that this broken world lays on us. He is waiting, desiring, longing to carry them for us because He takes care of us! I love the wording of the definition of casting. This is not a trite “just don’t worry about it” response. We are not just tossing these cares away from us. This is a loving Father with shoulders that can handle these burdens with ease, walking alongside of us, saying, “I can see that this is really important to you. Would you let Me carry it for you? I care for you.”

Oh weary traveler, what is it that you need to hand over to your loving Father today? He wants to carry it for you. Put it on His very capable shoulders and keep your hands open and your heart bowed in surrender. He is so faithful and trustworthy! If you wake up in the morning and that weight is there again, hand it back over and thank Him for caring for you. Part of the purpose of these heavy cares is to keep us consistently turning toward Him and relying on His strength.

“And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, strengthen, confirm, and ground you. To Him be might forever and ever. Amen.” (1 Peter 5:10-11)

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The heaviness of grief and the longing for Zack have been very present and in my face the last week or so. He’s been in my dreams almost every night. I sometimes get frustrated when I feel like I’ve moved past certain lows or levels of sadness and then they circle back around. I have to keep re-realizing that grief is not something I am going to get through, but rather something I am going to continue learning to live with.

I just got to take an epic 50th birthday trip to England and Scotland, a trip I’ve been planning for 7 months. The loneliness blanketed me almost immediately after returning home. I distracted myself with people, busyness and doom scrolling, assuming that each morning would start with the blanket lifted. It wasn’t working. You’d think I should know better by now!

Last night I realized that I needed a date day - with the One who promised to be a Husband to me. So I took a sabbath rest from social media and scrolling, packed my bible study bag and took off to find some solace. And a body of water. I stopped at Zack’s grave to feed the squirrels, listen to the birds and just breathe in His presence. I had worship music going the whole time.

After grabbing an iced coffee and some lunch, I sat down by the Chesapeake Bay with my Bible and dug into my 1 Peter study. One of the verses I was breaking apart was “casting all your care on Him, for He cares for you.” (Look for a post on that this week!) Then I walked and practiced what I studied. I ended the day by thanking Him for worship music and the people who take these powerful truths from His word, write beautiful lyrics with them and then put them to melodies that I can sing back to Him. “Truth wrapped in beauty” as Bob Roberts so perfectly described worship music.

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What a beautiful gift, to be able to share intimacy with the God of the Universe through worship music. Music has a unique way of taking the truths from His word that I know in my mind and burying them deep in my heart, so they take root and bear fruit. When I sing them out loud, it’s even more impactful. Faith, hope and love literally swell up inside of me.

My heart and mind were stuck in a loop of “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore. I need him! God, why…? I need him!” But after several hours of listening to and singing some of these lyrics, while talking to Him and enjoying His creation, the spirit of heaviness was replaced with a garment of praise (Isaiah 61:3).

“You give life. You are love. You bring light to the darkness. You give hope. You restore - every heart that is broken. Great are You, Lord.”

“Perfect submission, all is at rest; I in my Savior am happy and blest; watching and waiting, looking above, filled with His goodness, lost in His love. This is my story. This is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long!”

“I know Someone who knows what I’m up against; I know Someone who’s here in the midst of it; fighting for me in a battle I could never win all on my own…So I’m not afraid of what’s ahead. I’m standing in the confidence that even though I can’t, my God can!”

“Then came the morning that sealed the promise. His buried body began to breathe. Out of the silence, the roaring Lion declared the grave has no claim on me. Jesus, Yours is the victory!”

“Surely goodness, surely mercy, right behind me all my days! And I will dwell in Your house forever and bless Your holy name!”

“The night is dark, but I am not forsaken, for by my side, the Savior He will stay. I labor on in weakness and rejoicing, for in my need His power is displayed.”

“Lift your head. Morning is coming, there’s more to the story. Don’t forget, in grief and in glory still great is His faithfulness.”

I could literally go on for pages and pages, but I think you get the idea. The truths from His word, delivered by these gifted song writers and musicians, began to reframe my thinking and refocus my mind on hope. This is what Colossians 3:16 is teaching us. The word of Christ will dwell in (to inhabit and influence) us richly when we sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to the Lord.

“[Singing worship music] is a pathway to intimacy with God.” Shane & Shane

I created a playlist of songs on Spotify that ministered deeply to me in the first raw months of grief. It is called Truth Wrapped in Beauty, and you can find it here.

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Tomorrow is my 50^th birthday. Those decade markers feel like turning a corner of sorts. I vividly remember turning 10 and how much of a big deal that was. Double digits. I felt so big, like I had entered a new phase of “almost a teenager” - you know, when real living begins! At least that’s how it felt to my 10-year-old brain.

At 20 I was engaged, finishing college and planning a wedding - excited about what adult life would hold. At 30 I was done having kids; my husband had finally stopped fighting God’s call; and we were moving away from home to start bible college and then full time ministry. My 40^th birthday came when we were living in CT and just a few years into our first (and only) senior pastorate position.

Now I’m at 50. Life has me living back home with my parents, blessed to be surrounded by family and enjoying a lot of traveling, helping care for my dad as stage four cancer takes its toll, and finding my footing again after loss. Fifty was the last birthday that Zack got to celebrate on this side of eternity. That gives new perspective to the brevity of life and passages like Psalm 90:12, where Moses asks God to teach us to “count, number, pay attention to” our days, so that we may gain or present back to Him a heart of wisdom.

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This is the only psalm that we know is explicitly attributed to Moses. We can’t be sure exactly when he wrote it, but details in the psalm lead many to agree that it was during the 40 years of Israel’s wilderness wandering. During this time, Moses would have seen thousands of burials as an entire generation passed away before they entered the Promised Land. I imagine they were daily, even hourly, faced with how fleeting life on this side of the curtain can be.

He opens the psalm recognizing God’s eternal nature. “You have been our dwelling place (refuge or habitation) from generation to generation…from everlasting to everlasting, You are God.” Sometimes being brought face to face with the fragility of life can take the breath from our lungs. Comfort comes when we turn our hearts toward an eternal God who was here before the mountains were formed and has an eternal plan that includes satisfying us with His lovingkindness.

As Moses watched a generation die off one father, mother, sister, brother or friend at a time, he also was constantly reminded of the reality of sin, judgment and brokenness. God sees even the secret sins (vs. 8), and His holiness requires that sin is dealt with. It’s hard to imagine the weight Moses carried leading a nation through the wilderness while watching an entire generation pass away around him.

That brings us to verse 12. In light of God’s eternal nature, the frailty of human life, and the judgment that comes as a result of sin – “God, cause us to know how to number the days of our life here on earth, so that our hearts will be filled with the wisdom to steward those days well.”

Then Moses asks to be satisfied each morning with His lovingkindess so that he can sing for joy and be glad all his days (vs. 14). This life gives us buckets of reasons to be filled with disappointment and dissatisfaction. In the midst of all those reasons, it is vital that we learn to fix our eyes, anchor our hearts and set our minds on the loving and kind heart of our Father. That habit has been absolutely life giving in this recent season of the loss of my husband and will inform my prayers and encouragement to my mom as she walks my dad Home.

There are times when contemplating how fragile and short life can be, can lead to a sense of panic and a need to try to control things. After walking through the shock of doing devotions with my husband at 8 am one day and then walking back into the house a few hours later knowing I had seen him for the last time on earth, I am familiar with those human instincts. As always, our comfort and strength come from the truths of God’s word. Job 14:5 reminds us that our days have already been determined by our eternal God. If this is an area where you need to surrender or you are experiencing fear, spend some time hanging out in Psalm 139 where David also teaches that your Father wrote down your days before He even formed you. When I sit with those truths, I can unclench my fists and be still, knowing I serve a sovereign God whose loving thoughts toward me outnumber the sand on the beach!

As I begin year 51, with no way to know how many days I have left on this side, I will pray with Moses from this beautiful psalm, “Lord, teach me to number my days. Let Your favor be upon me and establish the work of my hands. Satisfy me each morning with Your lovingkindness so that I may sing for joy and be glad all my days.”

If you are standing on the truth that your days are numbered by God, how does that inform what you do with the time He has given you today?

What would it look like to present God with “a heart of wisdom” in this season of your life?

(To help these truths settle even deeper into your heart, check out the song by Shane and Shane called Psalm 90.)

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A Facebook memory popped up today with something my late husband wrote that I wanted to share here. Before I do, for those that didn’t know him, let me give you some context.

On May 20, 2016, my husband was pitching to my teenage boys and working with them on their swing mechanics and bat speed. He was standing in front of the pitcher’s mound and focusing more on their form than on fielding. As a result, he took a line drive to his face. It did extensive damage that led to hours in the ER, dozens of stitches, dozens of numbing needles to his mouth and then 18 months of dental work and office visits (followed by years of dental office PTSD).

Three weeks (almost to the minute) prior, he had been in that same ER suffering a heart attack following his workout. Due to the meds he was on from that heart attack and the fact that it was so recent, they wouldn’t put him under to do “real” oral surgery, so all of the repairs were done with local numbing shots. He had missed two Sundays of preaching after the heart attack and was so excited to be back in the pulpit when this injury took him out again. He was devastated at the thought of more weeks without preaching, wondering if he’d ever even be able to talk normally again.

He had to teach himself how to hold his lips and tongue for preaching while he had braces on, then when he had a temporary false plate, then again once he had his permanent bridge and implants. (Years later he still occasionally let out a whistle with the “sss” sound in words.) God, in His faithfulness, used this trial to shape and mold Zack in so many ways. In the years that followed, he often was able to use the growth that happened through that season to encourage and coach others walking through a valley.

Another detail you should know is that worship music was food to Zack’s soul, every bit as necessary as actual food was to his physical body. Over the years he had his favorite songs and go to groups that encouraged and discipled him along his growth journey. I don’t think any Christian band was more impactful in his life than Mark Hall and Casting Crowns. (He even had the privilege to meet Mark twice and pray with him on one of those occasions.) Right at the top of his favorite songs list, just below “Voice of Truth” was their song “Praise You in This Storm.”

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That song was on repeat in the days following the injury as he just listened and let the truths soak his heart and mind, washing out the doubt and fear and discouragement and frustration. He couldn’t read or study for the first few days after that injury, so music played almost constantly. It was also necessary to help do battle against all the lies and fears that the enemy was feeding him.

Three days after the injury, he got the packing out of his sinuses and could open his eyes all the way. If memory serves correctly, this letter to our church family was the first thing he wrote.

A Note from Pastor Zack...

“We will praise King Jesus in the midst of our storms! When His blessings fall from heaven as the manna did to the Israelites, I will praise Him. When the challenges mount and seem to be unrelenting, I will praise Him. When there seems to be no end to the difficulties, I will praise Him. When another soul is added to the eternal Kingdom of God, I will praise Him. When our church grows, I will praise Him. When I am hurting, I will praise Him. When there are sleepless nights, I will praise Him. When the world is not all as it should be, I will praise Him. When I feel outnumbered, like Hezekiah and the Israelites, I will praise Him. When the problems of today loom over me and my family like Goliath did over David, I will praise Him. When I doubt like John the Baptist did, I will praise Him. When I cannot breathe properly, I will praise Him for life.

When I cannot chew food, I will praise Him for my wife and children who feed me through a straw. When I cannot speak, I will praise Him for His faithful men who will speak in my stead. When I worry about the details of the daily church routine, I will praise Him for a faithful and humble secretary. When I worry about the watch care of our flock, I will praise Him for our loving deacons. When He delivers me out of this storm, I will praise Him for His faithfulness. When the next attack is launched, I pray I will praise Him more than in the last.

I love you church! Will you praise Him with me today??? - Ps. 120

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One of the secondary losses that I have grieved these last two years is writing and publishing as a couple. We had sat down together just days before he passed and began to talk about writing a couples bible study that we could team teach. He was so good with words, and I know he would’ve published several books if he was given more time on this side. I plan to share as much of what he wrote as time and opportunity allows.

One blessing I am so grateful for is that he continually helps me walk through this valley by way of his testimony during his own trials, his sermons that I can still listen to, the boxes and boxes of notes and journals he left behind and the very well outlined bibles that the kids and I share. “How are you doing this without him?” many people ask me. The same way I did it with him: fixing my eyes on our Savior, anchoring my soul to eternal hope and choosing to praise Him in the storm.

(The top photo is the deacons praying over him two days after the injury. We were blessed in every church we served in with amazing deacons and support!)

Spoiler alert!! This piece is going to spoil the season six finale of All Creatures Great and Small! If you haven’t seen it already, save this piece to read after you watch it!

Tonight I finished watching the latest season of All Creatures Great and Small on PBS. If you’re unfamiliar with the show, I highly recommend that you start from season one and get caught up. What a sweet story of family, relationships, brokenness, hope, endurance and life in the countryside of northern England. This episode reached deep places in my heart. I found myself connecting with almost every character in this well written chapter of their story. Maybe the depth was due to how masterfully scripted this episode was, or maybe it was because of the perspective and life experience I was viewing it through. Whatever the reason, it has been etched in my mind and heart and will stay at the top of the list of favorite tv episodes.

I’d love for you to join me as we stroll through Yorkshire in 1945, just after WW2 ended, and as the hope of peace swept over them like a fresh spring breeze coming through an open window after a long winter. This piece probably holds more depth if you’ve followed their story and know the details of their situation. But I think if you lean in close, you’ll be able to read between the scripted lines and pick up on lessons from these imaginary characters that were oh so real for this valley walker.

Mrs. Hall is a favorite character for any fan of this show. She brings the depth of a mother’s love, understanding and care to every soul that she touches. As she walks by a friend’s house, Mrs. Hall glances in the window and sees the young wife sobbing and holding a letter. She perceives that news has arrived to this wife and mother that her husband isn’t coming home from the war. Mrs. Hall pauses and really “sees” her, letting the discomfort of grief fully settle into her own heart instead of dismissing it and walking quickly by.

Grief is so uncomfortable. Human nature is to turn from discomfort or awkwardness. Even after becoming a widow myself, my natural reaction isn’t always to lean into someone else’s suffering. It is often still a choice I have to make. An intentional turning toward it and facing it square on. When comforting a grieving friend or family member, resist the urge to quickly put a silver lining on their pain. Be present. Lean in. Just listen.

In typical Mrs. Hall form, she bakes a cake the next day to take to young, widowed Maggie. When she walks by to drop off the cake, accompanied by young Jimmy, she again looks in the window and sees Maggie holding her son while showing him photos of his deceased father. Mrs. Hall decides not to interrupt and leaves the cake outside Maggie’s door. Young Jimmy asks, “aren’t you going to say something to her?” With quiet wisdom Mrs. Hall replies, “the cake will say everything I need it to say.”

I just wanted to pause the tv right in that moment and start writing. I pulled out my phone and started jotting down notes as I continued watching. In those early days and weeks of grief and loss, so many people wanted to be there for me with their presence and words. While I appreciated it deeply, and sometimes made space for that, much of the time I just wanted silence - solitude.

I think people on the outside looking in sometimes see that desire to be alone as ‘dangerous’ or maybe just heartbreaking and want to make sure grievers aren’t alone in their grief. I can only speak from my own experience, and everyone grieves differently, but in those months, I craved being alone. I am not going to use this space to differentiate between appropriate and dangerous amounts of alone time, though I think that is an important conversation. My goal is to make the point that time alone to sit with and process grief is ok, even necessary. I am an inward griever/processor and while distractions with other people were also helpful, I did (and still do) the hard work of healing when I was alone, free to cry or not cry, and wrestle it out with God.

Here are some ways that you can minister to a grieving friend during this time, offering comfort and presence, while also giving space. Gift cards for massages, mani/pedis, spa days, etc. are so wonderful. As a widow whose love language isn’t even touch, I didn’t realize how hard it would be to lose daily physical touch. A spa massage is NOT a replacement, but it does fill that emptiness a little bit. Meals, groceries dropped off and restaurant or Doordash gift cards are also a huge help. Those first several months are absolutely exhausting. You have to make what feels like a million decisions a day with a brain that is so clouded with grief, you barely know who you are or what day it is. Not having to think about or plan food is such a gift. Plus, carbs and chocolate really do bring a certain level of comfort!!

If you are close enough to the griever as a friend, and especially if they are an external processor, be available to offer the gift of presence. This looks like sitting with them and watching a movie. Offering a shoulder to cry on and a hug, without feeling the need for lots of words and advice. Reading them scripture and praying over them without expecting them to pray in return. Keep inviting them to do things, but don’t push or be offended if they say no or cancel at the last minute. The ministry of presence is more powerful than knowing what to say. Let ‘the cake say what you want it to say.’

In season six, there are several places where you see Tristan fighting the demons of PTSD from his experiences and losses in the war. At one point, he is supposed to be helping Siegfried with a shire horse who had an abscess in his hoof. The horse was stressed and agitated. Tristan couldn’t bring himself to approach and ended up running away from the scene. Later, as he sits and talks through it with Seigfried, (who had Mrs. Hall help him practice the ministry of presence - “irrespective of the question, the answer is always you” - Siegfried to Mrs. Hall) they make the astute observation that Tristan’s inability to move and engage in that moment wasn’t because he was afraid of the horse, but because of the emotion the horse was experiencing. He couldn’t bring himself to go through that again.

Remember when I mentioned at the beginning that even post loss, I still have to be intentional to turn toward people who are hurting or grieving? There is something inside of me that wants to turn and run so I don’t have to watch someone go through a pain I recall more than I would like to. In that moment, watching Tristan process this, some recent emotional struggles started to make sense.

My dad is facing stage four cancer and a timeline of months, not years. I live with my parents right now, and I have been honored to be able to be a blessing and help to them during this time. It has surprised me that it doesn’t just flow naturally to be engaged with their emotions through this process. Why isn’t my instinct to be empathetic and sit in this with my mom, especially since I’ve recently walked a similar path? For the first time, I really processed that this is all a bit triggering and everything in me is saying, “not again. I don’t want to feel this again.” I have been wrestling with feelings of guilt because of it, but as I sat with that scene, I connected with that instinct to put up a buffer and turn away from experiencing those feelings again, even through someone else’s loss. Understanding that better might not make it easier to walk forward, but it will put guilt in its place and free me up to focus on practicing presence with my parents.

This morning the funeral director came over to start helping them plan those final details while he’s still well enough to participate in those conversations. I had zero expectations that it would be difficult until I went to walk out of my bedroom to listen in and offer any help or suggestions. I looked over my shoulder as I turned off my bedroom light and saw a picture of my late husband on my digital frame. My brain immediately said, “Dang you for not being here to walk through this with me!! I was there for you with the loss of both your parents!” Obviously, I know in my head and heart that he had no control over this, and he absolutely wouldn’t want me to be hurting. It took me a few minutes to let the tears flow, receive the comfort of the Holy Spirit in me reminding me of His continued presence, and walk out of my room in the strength and grace He always provides. From that point forward, the meeting and the morning went just fine.

“There isn’t anyone who wants this war to be over more than me. But if all it takes is one scared horse to take me right back there, then maybe it never will be (over) - in here (as he taps his chest).” While everyone was celebrating the end of the war and life moving on, Tristan continued to wrestle with his emotions, loss, and grief.

Watching everyone move on with life after your immense loss is surreal. It’s hard to find words to describe what it’s like. Of course, life is going to move forward. As it should. But yours feels frozen. Every day takes you further away from “normal” and deeper into a “post spouse” timeline. Even more than two years into this journey, I still have moments or days when I look at a picture of him and think “this can’t be real.” There are nights when I just lay in bed remembering what it was like to kiss him or fall asleep against him and say to my pillow “I’m over it. I don’t want to do this anymore.” On those days when a photo or a smell or a memory will cut like a knife, I wonder if I will ever experience sweet without the following wave of bitter. The realization that grief is a weighted vest I will carry for the rest of my life just adds more weight to the pack and increases the incline of the walk. God is always faithful to meet me in those moments as I turn my heart toward Him. He gives more grace.

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Tom was a minor character in this episode. He made it back from war, but he wasn’t the same man that left. His wife was having a hard time connecting with this new version of him and wanted her pre-war husband back. He saw her frustration but couldn’t fix it, because he was still trying to figure out who he was and how to function while also haunted by what he had experienced.

A common piece of advice I’ve often heard from other widows is some form of “the version of you that was married to your husband doesn’t exist anymore.” That probably sounds harsh, but it’s just the reality of another secondary loss after your spouse dies. It is important to face that truth head on, process it, accept it and then let God begin to re-shape and re-form you. He is the master Creator, and He can make all things new. In order to be new, it has to be different from what it was before. This is a really difficult thing to wrestle with and accept, not only for the widow/er, but also for those who love her/him. Everyone wants the “old you” back. No one more than you. But in many ways, that person died with their spouse. As a widow, I would encourage you not to be afraid to reinvent yourself a little bit. To those who love someone grieving, give space and freedom for them to figure out this new version of themselves. It takes a while to get comfortable in new and different roles. I am not there yet, even after 28 months, but I’m a lot closer than I was.

This episode closed out with an inspiring speech from a mostly silent character about how important it was to “keep the fires burning.” In a world broken by sin, we will all experience seasons marked by pain, hardships, and loss. It’s just a part of our world and daily lives. Despite that reality, there are so many glimmers of hope around us that we can fix our eyes on and anchor our hearts to. As a follower of Christ, my relationship to Him and His word have been life sustaining as I’ve walked the valley of grief the last two years and now walk beside my mom. I am surrounded by His gifts in family, friends, nature, laughter, travel, coffee, pasta and so much more!! When we anchor our hearts to hope, especially eternal hope, there’s nothing we can’t walk through.

As the closing scene faded away, they lit their bonfire and looked into the distance at all the other bonfires representing communities of people who had survived the hardships of war and loss and were continuing to live, love and move forward.

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was give to us.” Romans 5:3-5

“This I recall to mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I hope in Him!’” Lamentations 3:21-24

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

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I don’t see the Bible as a collection of short stories. Rather, it is more like an epic with one overarching theme and plot line. There are many different true-life characters, struggles, points of conflict, highs and lows, historic records, settings, victories and defeats woven throughout the text. Only one true Hero emerges to save not just a day, but all of humanity for all of eternity.

The opening setting of this story, the first ‘chapter,’ is a beautiful garden where man and woman dwell in perfect harmony with each other and with their Creator. Everything they could need or want is available to them. There is no striving. No suffering. No pain. No conflict. No searching for God. Elohim looks at what He has made and declares it to be “very good.” He walks and talks with Adam and Eve. A mist comes up from the ground to water it, like a greenhouse. Every tree is pleasant to the eyes and good for food. Life could not be better.

If you’re one of those readers who likes to skip to the end and read a few pages, so you know where the story is headed, you would find yourself in a similar setting. A bookend of gardens - this one even more perfect than the first! While the final ‘chapter’ doesn’t directly use the word garden, it describes the perfect restoration of Eden, the first garden. A river of water as bright as crystal. The tree of life bearing 12 kinds of fruit with leaves for healing. No more curse, or tears, or suffering, or pain. Dwelling face to face with our Savior forever.

So far it sounds like this is a feel-good Hallmark movie, beautifully perfect from beginning to end.

But the middle? Oh, the mess in the middle. The chapters between the two gardens (as author Lysa Terkeurst describes it) are filled with imperfection. Suffering. Betrayal. Idolatry. Murder. Adultery. Loss. Page after page of pain and sorrow. Groanings.

“For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now.” Romans 8:22

Groans = to moan together; to experience common calamity. (Strongs G4959)

Groaning.

The sound that brought me down the basement steps to Zack’s side that final day.

The sound of my dad waiting for pain meds to kick in while he fights stage four cancer.

The sound of family in the other room saying final goodbyes before the viewing starts.

The sound I hear in my mind when I read about Job scraping his boils with broken pottery; Naomi crying out in grief; Mary and Martha mourning their brother; David hiding in caves and begging God to make things right; and so many more sufferers and valley walkers.

The sound the very earth itself makes as it waits to be restored by the Creator.

The sound of brokenness.

All signs that life is not as it should be. Not as it was designed to be.

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When you read through that whole passage in Romans 8, you will see groaning mentioned several times. Verse 19 gives the description of ‘the anxious longing of creation eagerly waiting.’ Anxious. Longing. Waiting. Creation is waiting to be set free from its slavery to corruption, to which it has been bound since that first sin back in the beginning, the sin of disobedience that introduced groaning into the narrative. Verse 22 says that creation itself groans and suffers the pains of childbirth. We as children of God also groan within ourselves eagerly waiting for redemption (verse 23). Then in verse 26, God tells us that His Spirit helps us in our weakness when we don’t even how to pray. He intercedes with groanings too deep for words. Isn’t that so often when we find ourselves groaning, whether out loud or in our soul? When there just aren’t even words for the crushing?

In the midst of this space between the two beautiful gardens, we find the chapters where groaning, suffering and brokenness are just part of daily life. And in those chapters, we see another garden - the Garden of Gethsemane. This garden is most well-known for being the place where Jesus went the night of His arrest and begged His Father to let there be another way, to let the cup of suffering pass from Him. The groaning in His soul was so deep that He sweat drops of blood.

If you study the life of Jesus, you see that time in prayer with His Father was a regular occurrence, not something He turned to just in times of distress. The beginning of that passage in Luke 22 says that “He went, as was His custom to the Mount of Olives; and the disciples followed Him.” We don’t know for sure that this garden was always His place for prayer, but John 18:2 tells us that Judas knew where to come for the betrayal because “Jesus had often met there with His disciples.” So, I believe it is safe to say that this garden was a common place for communion between Jesus and his Father, as well as a place for community between Jesus and His disciples.

Jesus returned to a familiar place of communion and community on a night where He would endure His greatest suffering up to this point in His earthly ministry. This garden represents for us this life between the bookends of the two perfect gardens. In these ‘in between chapters’ we experience the ups and downs of life in a world broken by sin. We live and serve in community with relationships that are flawed and often disappoint. We love deeply and then are sometimes scarred by loss. We groan to our Heavenly Father and beg for healing, comfort, relief, or an end to whatever we are suffering. Like that night before the crucifixion, God is always present, always listening, and always loving. And like His response to His only begotten Son, sometimes He says “no” to our requests, but provides us with His presence and sustaining grace, sometimes through an angel to strengthen us.

Running parallel with the examples of groaning in this Romans 8 passage is the thread of hope. The waiting in verse 19 is coupled with the word ‘eagerly.’ You don’t wait eagerly if something bad is coming. That describes an anticipation for something better, something new. The groaning of childbirth comes with the anticipation of a new baby and new life. The Holy Spirit’s groaning is a help to us as He prays the will of God. The words eagerly, hope and redemption are sprinkled generously through this passage. Hope is such a beautiful gift of grace that we can cling to in our groaning. To those who have flipped to the last chapter, we know that we do not groan “as those who have no hope (1 Thess. 4:13).”

“This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil where the forerunner has entered for us, even Jesus, having become High Priest forever…” Hebrews 6:19-20

It is because of Jesus, our forerunner, suffering alone on the cross that we have a hope to anchor our souls to. It is ONLY because of His finished work on the cross that the veil was torn, allowing us open access to God the Father through Jesus. His defeat of death by rising from the grave is why I can walk through intense grief and loss while simultaneously ‘eagerly awaiting’ redemption, restoration and reunion. I can miss Zack so deeply it sucks the breath right out of my lungs and also weep with joy imagining what he is currently experiencing in Heaven and look forward to joining him someday.

Are you groaning today? Is there something in your life or the life of someone you love that’s making you spiritually, emotionally or physically groan because it’s not the way it’s supposed to be? You are not alone in it! Turn your heart and fix your eyes on your High Priest who can sympathize with your weaknesses and your troubles. He has been there. He suffered alone so you don’t have to! He completed the work so you could draw near to His throne of grace with confidence and find mercy to help you in your time of need (Hebrews 4:14-16). He doesn’t look at the brokenness from the outside and offer solutions. He willingly entered into the groaning and bore the full weight of sin, alone, so that you would never be alone or crushed under suffering. He offers Himself as the solution, the relief, the comfort, the presence and the hope.

Thanks to Jesus, the groaning is temporary. It belongs in the middle of the story. It is meant to remind us that we were made for something else. Something more. What began in the Garden of Eden will be fully restored and made new in His time. On that day, when the groaning is gone and the glory has come, we will find ourselves truly at home in His garden.

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“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.” CS Lewis

I read those words for the first time just a few months after my husband passed suddenly from a heart attack while exercising. I found CS Lewis’ book A Grief Observed to be so relatable, putting things I didn’t even realize I was experiencing into words. I remember feeling so seen reading his journal entries. It was the beginning of God opening my eyes to the importance of telling our stories and why it mattered.

I recently read a post by someone who experienced a similar loss and was relating to this quote. They talked about what things they were afraid of or became afraid of after losing their spouse. We all relate to content through the lens of our own perspective. My connection with this quote, and what I believe Lewis was describing was something entirely different than actually being afraid.

Do you know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something startles you and makes you jump out of your skin?

When the principal calls and says he/she needs to talk to you about your child?

After you slam on your brakes as hard as possible, not quite sure how you missed hitting the car that pulled out in front of you?

When your athlete child has a season ending injury after working so hard during the off season?

After hanging up the phone when you find out a good friend has gone behind your back and betrayed you?

It’s that gnawing knot that starts in your stomach, reaches up to your throat and starts to clamp down.

That. That is often the physical feeling you experience during grief. It is almost constant at first. Making you have to consciously decide to swallow and remind yourself to take deep breaths.

“Grief can feel like a fluttering in the stomach, restlessness, yawning, and a constant need to swallow.”

I remember one time when my sister was visiting that I kept sighing deeply. She would ask me if I was ok. “Yeah. I don’t know why I keep doing that. It’s like my lungs need to be reminded to fill up every once in a while.”

Sometimes you describe it as intense dread. The kind you have when you know something really hard or awful is about to happen. But it already happened.

It’s been over two years. It’s not constant anymore, but it still visits now and again, reminding me that you don’t get over this or get past it. You continue to learn how to walk alongside of it.

And it stops by on random days. It was here today for a while. It’s not an anniversary or a holiday. Just Thursday. I had a fine day and didn’t think much about him, if I’m being honest. Then I’m making dinner and all of a sudden, it’s there. Gnawing. Squeezing. Fluttering.

I try to distract myself with a tv show. There’s a couple enjoying each other’s company and staring deeply into the other’s eyes. “You used to have that,” my brain starts the conversation. “You loved having that. Maybe you can have it again though, right? But not with him. Never again with him.”

So I turn the tv off. Close my eyes. Take some slow deep breaths, expanding my lungs as far as I can and then a little more. I picture him looking at me that way. I remember it and savor it. I thank God for it. More deep breaths. I sit with it till the smile in my heart reaches my face.

Then I just move along with my day. Put my dishes away. Plan for tomorrow. Spend some time with my mom. Have a cup of tea. Read a chapter from Psalms. Live.

Because if loss has taught me anything, it’s taught me that life is a gift; God’s goodness is never ending; and I can taste it if I choose to see it.

(I did an interview on how this book by CS Lewis impacted my grief journey. You can check that out here.)

When the boys were young, they played peewee football in VA. Zack was able to help coach Gabe’s team, but he spent a lot of time coaching both of them at home. He took them outside to work drills; went over plays and line ups using the condiment bottles on the dining room table after dinner; had them watch some football on tv and took them to the gym to workout. He even set up a “locker room” in a section of our basement for them to change and keep their gear.

He would leave them notes and verses to remind them of truths he wanted hidden in their hearts long after football season was over. One that he told them over and over was this: “Football is what we do/play, but Christ-followers is who we are. Don’t get those mixed up.” He wanted them to know that they would train and prepare to do their very best to the glory of God, but at the end of the day, when the games were over and the pads were put away, their identity was in the fact that they were followers of Christ. This was important for him as a dad to convey to his boys because God’s Spirit had to fight hard against Zack’s flesh for years to get him to let go of his love for football and drop it down in priority, giving God first place in his heart.

When our identity is rooted in roles, positions, relationships, passions, jobs or even our mission, instead of in our position in Christ and who He created us to be, we find ourselves lost and floundering, grasping the wind, when life takes those things away from us.

As we close out this series on identity, we will look to our perfect example in all things, Jesus Christ.

“Jesus took off his crown and laying it down said, “Father, Your will be done.” That’s a treasured line from an all-time favorite Christmas song, Joy, Joy by David Phelps. The song paints a moving portrait of what may have transpired in the moments before Jesus obediently came to earth as an infant, leaving behind the glory and position He had in Heaven, to walk a road of suffering for our good and His Father’s glory. How was He able to do that? He was able to let go of comfort, position, and even lay aside divine power in order to choose the path of suffering BECAUSE He knew Who He was. He knew Whose He was. He knew why He was here. That was enough.

“For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.” John 6:38 (LSB)

“Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to finish his work.” John 4:34

“I can do nothing from Myself. As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is righteous, because I do not seek My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.” John 5:30

“but so that the world may know that I love the Father, I do exactly as the Father commanded Me…” John 14:31a

“Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Philippians 2:8

“Now it happened that when the days for Him to be taken up were soon to be fulfilled, He set His face to go to Jerusalem.” Luke 9:51

“…Jesus…who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2

We could keep going. We could include all the “I AM” passages that show us just who Jesus is for each of us and what He provides for us. We would see how He often stopped on His way somewhere to heal someone or to teach a lesson. My husband used to often say that “Jesus had an agenda, not a schedule.” He was never rushed or distracted. He didn’t change course when people didn’t like His message or methods. He didn’t get thrown or spend time chasing people when they turned and stopped following. He grieved over the loss of His friend Lazarus but stayed on mission. He lived and served from a place of security; settled in His identity, rooted in what His mission was, fully loved and known by His Father and delighted to walk in obedience, no matter the cost, trading his royal kingly crown (temporarily) for a crown of thorns.

My marriage to Zack, as flawed by two sinful humans as it was, reflected a much bigger and permanent covenant relationship with God. Since I am a follower of Christ, and therefore part of the Bride of Christ, my truest identity as well as my ultimate purpose and mission did not change the day my husband left his earthly body for his heavenly one.

When we don’t have a firm grasp on our true identity, we cling too tightly to relationships, roles, passions, goals, life plans, good health, financial security, jobs, possessions and so much more. As we reflect on the past several posts and the Biblical examples we looked at, we see that they moved forward in steadfastness during some potentially life derailing experiences because of a settled security in their true identity.

Ezekiel’s truest identity kept him centered and grounded in who he really was while in captivity. It enabled him to speak difficult truth even though it would be rejected. He continued serving God and the people of Israel even though it looked nothing like what it was supposed to. Daniel’s truest identity is what kept him courageous in the face of persecution. His steadfast determination allowed him to be obedient and faithful to His God no matter what earthly king he was serving. Even though everything about his life changed, including his name, he was so secure in his identity that he was able to keep walking in step with God and serving Him. Ruth’s truest identity, her adopted identity in her connection to the kinsman redeemer, gave her the power to hope when all seemed lost. Instead of looking inward in the midst of loss, she took that hope and shared it with Naomi which gave Naomi the gift of clarity through the fog of grief. Mary’s truest identity is what allowed her to walk forward in obedience when the plan was crazy and people weren’t going to believe her innocence. Her humble submission kept her heart in a posture of worship and gratitude to the One who gifted her the part she would play in His story.

Our identity is what stays true about us when all the circumstances change. When everything is stripped away.

We could take the time to look at the life of Joseph, Esther, Job and so many more. Let me ask you. What in your life is making you feel like your identity has been stripped away or like you’re losing yourself? Your health? You’re aging body? Your kids moving out/on? Your marriage shaking and shifting? Your job has let you go? You’ve had to let go of a job because of priorities? Your financial situation? Your spouse or parent has passed? This life is going to shake us up! When the shaky circumstances come, what we already tethered our souls to is what is going to be revealed. We need to have pillars in place through habits formed over time that will hold us up. Those pillars need to be firmly cemented in who we are in Christ so when life rocks our world, we can come back to the center, the foundation, the core of who we are in Christ. Because in HIS presence in fullness of joy the psalmist tells us. In HIM we have eternal hope that does not disappoint!

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I’m still wrestling this out. I have by no means “arrived.” It’s so very human and normal to define our identity by what we do and the daily things that our lives revolve around. Hence, the wrestling. When things start to shift and change, we feel unstable; unsure. That needs to be a warning, like a check engine light, to re-evaluate how tightly we are holding onto gifts, plans, jobs, people, and expectations. All of these things, yes, even people come and go. We can’t let those things be the anchor of our souls. They can’t be our everything or our hope. That space in our heart is reserved for and only fully satisfied by Christ. If I hold too tightly to what is, or for me what was, I will miss out on what could be.

I recently heard the someone say, “be present where your feet are.” My past roles and my marriage and my ministry and my memories aren’t unimportant. They aren’t forgotten. They are a huge piece of who I am today. They will always maintain real estate in my heart. But it’s not the whole picture. It’s not the future. It’s the rearview mirror perspective, not the windshield view. I am in the middle of my story. I have to surrender this to God repeatedly. I have to choose to let go of my plans and my expectations and what I thought my life would look like, and lay at the feet of my kinsman redeemer with a heart that’s ready, so that when my Emmanuel leans in and says, “who are you?” I can answer with clarity, peace and even joy, “I am Bekah, your maidservant. Let it be done to me according to Your plan. What do you have for me next?”

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There was a day about 8 months after my husband passed that had tears close to the surface and ready to spill more than usual. I had been wrestling with an attitude of “I’m over it. I’d like my life back the way it was, if You don’t mind.” That morning, I couldn’t find the Bible I had been using (probably left it at church), so I grabbed another one of his off the dresser. It plopped open to Isaiah 37 and Psalm 146 because he often folded sections in half when he was comparing two passages. I started the search to see if I could find the connection between those two Bible pages. I followed the clues from his notes in the margin and cross references he had filled in. This was the journey God and Zack took me on.

“O Lord of hosts, God of Israel, the One who dwells between the cherubim, You are God, You alone, of all the kingdoms of the earth. You have made heaven and earth.” (Isaiah 37:16) I know. You are the creator and it all belongs to you. Even Zack. He was never mine. Thank you for the time You shared him with me.

“The ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing, with everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.” (Isaiah 35:10) Sighing? That’s funny because I remember saying how much I inadvertently sighed all the time those first few months. I don’t really do that anymore. You have brought me through eight months. There has been some healing. I know one day the sorrow will be completely gone and I’ll be with him and You. Help me to focus on that.

“The Lord watches over the strangers. He relieves the fatherless and widows…the Lord shall reign forever…praise the Lord.” (Psalm 146:9) Thank you for Your word. That’s crazy how he took notes at some point in his time with You that would someday encourage his widow. Thank You for being unchanging and always meeting us where we are and giving us what we need.

The steadfast faithfulness of God takes my spiritual breath away sometimes. He meets. He sustains. He provides. He strengthens. He remains. He draws near. He sees.

And He’s been that way since before the beginning of time. I’m not the first widow with a testimony of His steadfast presence. In fact, I recently revisited a book of the Bible that I’ve read and studied multiple times, but this time is hit differently. This time I related and connected to it in a new way because my life situation was different. There were two lessons on identity that my eyes were opened to. God’s word is beautifully rich and alive with power, able to speak into any life situation where you may find yourself.

Approximately 3200 years ago, “in the time when the judges ruled,” there was a young woman by the name of Ruth living in the land of Moab. At some point in her young life, a Jewish family from Bethlehem came to her home country looking for food. We are told very little about this time in her life, but we know that she married their son Mahlon (Ruth 1:4). From other passages we know that the Moabites were often at odds with Israel and did not worship Yahweh, the true God. During this family’s time in Moab, Elimelech the patriarch died, followed by both of his sons, Mahlon and Chilion. This left Naomi without her husband or her two sons. Three widows, Naomi, Ruth and Orpah connected through deep loss and grief during a time when women did not have many ways to provide for themselves or their families.

To get the full story, I encourage you to read the book of Ruth. It’s only 4 short chapters. But for the sake of this post, we will just touch the highlights. Ruth commits to stay with her mother-in-law, Naomi and return with her to her hometown of Bethlehem. In the well-known passage often quoted in weddings Ruth declares, “wherever you go, I will go. Your people shall be my people and your God my God.”

She is a young widow with no children and an unknown future. In her story we get to see her walking away from her pagan identity and anchoring her soul to the God of Israel! She leaves behind everything familiar to her because she loves Naomi and has come to love Naomi’s God. Her virtue, excellence and strength of character – despite losing everything – are noticed by those around her. Her humility and trust in God’s sovereignty are convicting and empowering at the same time. Instead of focusing on her own loss, she keeps her focus on serving Naomi. Her kindness to her mother-in-law draws the attention of a wealthy landowner in Bethlehem who also “just happens” to be a relative of her deceased father-in-law. Boaz is a man of integrity and social respect within his community. Naomi sees the possibilities and gives Ruth some very specific and seemingly bizarre instructions.

In humble submission Ruth follows every instruction, without question or need for explanation. Then she waits and leaves space for God to work things out according to His plan. She has a childlike trust in His control of her life. As I read and studied this book recently from a heart posture of asking God to answer the pressing question “who even am I now?” there was a line He underlined with His yellow Holy Spirit highlighter. In Ruth 3:9, Ruth finds herself at the feet of Boaz after a dinner party, waiting for him to wake up and notice her there.

When Boaz wakes up and says, “who are you,” she answers him by responding, “I am Ruth, your maidservant.”

Every other time I had read this verse, I was sitting in a place of security in my identity, and this line was just another fact from the story. This time I read it while on the wrestling mat with Grief, who often told me that when I lost my husband, I also lost my identity, my purpose, and my future. This time I froze mid verse. “I am Ruth, your maidservant.” Ruth did not identify herself with her past, who she was married to or where she used to live. She could have said, “I am Ruth, the Moabitess” or “I am Ruth, Mahlon’s widow.” She did not. She leaned the full weight of her identity on her connection to Boaz, her kinsman redeemer.

According to Jewish law, a kinsman redeemer had the responsibility to marry a widow of a deceased relative to preserve the family line and inherit the property. When Naomi encourages Ruth to seek the protection of Boaz, she knows that Boaz has the right to redeem their family. Boaz is also a type or picture of Christ. Jesus is our Kinsman Redeemer. He bought us from the bondage of sin and death and gave us an inheritance and a future. Maybe we’ll unpack that in another post.

Ruth’s answer to Boaz that day over 3200 years ago taught me that my truest identity wasn’t tied to where I lived or who I loved. The core of my identity was found in the fact that I am the daughter of a Heavenly King, the bride of Christ. That day I pinned Grief to the mat and declared “I am Bekah, Your maidservant.”

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Ruth’s love for Yahweh allowed her to walk away from her past with hope for a new beginning, a new future. Her deep trust in God’s plan was a pillar that not only held her up through grief and transition, but it held Naomi up too. The second lesson I noticed through Ruth’s story is something she did NOT do.

As I have connected with other widows walking this valley of loss, I have met some that seem to be stuck in their grief. Sometimes, over time, grief and sadness can actually become our new identity. It becomes our connection to the one we lost. Moving forward feels like moving on and forgetting or leaving them behind. Getting rid of their clothes feels like throwing their memory away. We can begin to view all of life, our future and even God through the lens of pain and loss. This can cloud the vision of our heart and limit our ability to ‘see the goodness of God in the land of the living.’ (Psalm 27:13)

When Ruth and Naomi return to Bethlehem, they are greeted by Naomi’s friends and family. She tells them, “Do not call me Naomi (pleasant); call me Mara (bitter) for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, and the Lord has brought me back empty.” We certainly don’t fault Naomi for grieving. She has lost her husband and both of her sons. I can only imagine that level of loss. But we do see evidence that the posture of her heart was turned inward instead of upward. Ruth’s steady kindness and faithful presence become a means of grace in Naomi’s life, clearing the haze of loss enough for her to hope again. In just a few short chapters we see Naomi surrounded by community and holding a baby boy in her lap who would be her heir and also in the lineage of King Jesus.

There are lots of factors that contribute to getting stuck in grief. If you find yourself here, know that I see you. More importantly, God sees you. Are you separating what was from what is? Live fully where your feet are. You are in the middle of your story. Ruth knew loss and no doubt felt the pain and grief, but she didn’t let it define her. She dared to look up in anticipation that God wasn’t done writing her story. Her ability to hope helped Naomi to eventually be able to see light again.

The life Ruth gained because she was willing to let go of the life she had before is quite remarkable. God doesn’t waste our surrender! He can do so much more with it than we can do by holding onto control or clinging to what was. Are there plans or parts of your life that you are holding onto too tightly? Are you walking in obedience and then leaving space for Him to do what only He can do without trying to intervene yourself? Do you have a friend in grief who needs your steady kindness to help them see through the fog of pain?

Ruth’s story opens the window of hope for new beginnings and brings plot twists that allow us to dare for new adventures and experiences. God is a redeemer of broken stories. He brings beauty from ashes and makes all things new. Turn your heart towards Him in your loss, suffering, frustration, pain or waiting.

Be watching for the conclusion of this series on identity as we look at our perfect example in all things, Jesus the Christ. Thanks for following along!

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I had the privilege of going to Greece a few months ago on a mission trip. It’s still surreal that I can start sentences with “when I was in Greece recently.” It was so impactful to be standing where Paul preached while reading his writings from scripture. One of the things that struck me while I was there was the number of ancient ruins everywhere you went. Some of them are gated or in museums, but the large majority are just out there in the countryside, free to be explored. As you drove down the road, you’d look out the window and see an arena in the side of a hill or a “random” set of pillars that used to be part of a building or an entrance to an ancient city. I just kept taking pictures, unaware of the connection God was going to make in my heart a few weeks later.

After my husband’s sudden passing in the first week of 2024, the rest of the year was a whirlwind of constant changes, days lived in survival mode, trying to be present for all the big stuff in each of my kids’ lives, supporting our church family as they were navigating the sudden loss of their pastor and moving my whole life to a different state. You can imagine why, when I started 2025, my prayer was for a year of rest and healing. One day I was sitting on the couch talking to my mom, who got thrown into the role of grief counselor when I moved back in with them, about how everyone kept telling me how strong I was and how I didn’t know the correct response to that. I knew I didn’t feel strong, and I certainly didn’t see myself that way. As I described to her how I just kept living, kept doing the things I was doing before he passed away, kept leaning on the things that were already in place before the rug got pulled out from under me - God made a connection in my mind and heart. With my mom’s words and the space to talk it out, I realized that the habits and disciplines that were already part of the daily rhythm of my life were actually carrying me, supporting me, like pillars in my life.

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I sought God’s comfort and direction by continuing to lean into Him and His character, and without even realizing it, leaning into the habits that had been established in my life. Habits that had been formed over years of my Christian walk. Things that were taught to me by my parents, teachers, mentors, Zack and so many who had poured into me. Those habits had become pillars of strength that held me up when the enemy wanted me to feel like my life was in ruins around me. Habits like bible reading for guidance and help; soaking my heart in worship music throughout the day; looking for ways to serve those God placed in my path; controlling my thought life; practicing gratitude; seeking out other people ahead of me on life’s journey – specifically during this season, other widows; staying connected to my faith community through church attendance and involvement; seeking out laughter as often as possible; living fully. In time I came to realize that those habits were carrying me. Holding me up. They stood when everything else fell. They stayed the same when everything else changed. We visited so many ancient cities, and most of the buildings were gone, destroyed or worn down. But so many of the pillars were still standing. God showed me that those habits that had been developed through my life were pillars that kept standing even in the ruins of grief and loss. This awareness connected me to Daniel in a new way when I was studying his story recently.

“But Daniel set in his heart that he would not defile himself with the king’s choice…” Daniel 1:8

Around 600 BC, Daniel was taken away from his home and his family along with many Jewish nobles and ruling class who were exiled to Babylon under King Nebuchadnezzar. He was forced into a new culture, new language, new way of life, new eating habits, new rules and even a new name. He was being made to assimilate not just to a different way of life, but to a pagan way of life. They were attempting to take the “Jewish” out of Daniel and his friends and make them fit in with the Babylonians. They stripped him of everything they thought defined Daniel, but those were all external things. He knew exactly who he was and Whose he was. You would think this would be a great example of an identity crisis, but actually there didn’t seem to be a conflict or crisis in Daniel’s heart at all. It was striking to me as I studied this during a time when I was feeling shaken and trying to get my feet back under me, how steady Daniel stayed. He is a shining example of knowing exactly where his identity was found – in his relationship and connection to Yahweh. His location, role, diet, earthly authority and even his name could be changed, but he still defined himself by Who he belonged to.

One commentator said that “the faithful find their true identity unshakable in God alone, despite cultural pressure.”

We know from the very beginning of Daniel’s story that he “set his heart.” His priorities and what was most valuable to him are what we see rising to the surface when his life is put to the fire. Can you see pillars or habits in Daniel’s life that held true even in captivity? As you read through the book of Daniel you will see a trained focus on God; a firm trust and belief in God’s sovereignty; a habit of consistent prayer; as well as eyes and a heart that were fixed on obedience to Yahweh. What Daniel KNEW to be true about God gave him the courage to even face lions! Though he served under three different rulers, with each one, he showed deeply established patterns of turning to God in every situation and standing on what God had written and spoken.

“Now when Daniel knew that the writing was signed, he went home. And in his upper room, with his windows open toward Jerusalem, he knelt down on his knees three times that day, and prayed and gave thanks before his God, as was his custom since early days.” Daniel 6:10 (NKJV)

Early on in my walk through this valley, I came across the teaching that even trials are “given” to us by God (allowed through His sovereignty), and we need to steward them well. I think I had always viewed trials as something to survive. They made you stronger and God would use them for your good, but I never saw myself as a steward of a trial or suffering. I knew I wanted to glorify Him through this and not wallow or get stuck. Balancing the tension between ‘sitting with your grief’ and ‘keeping your heart set on things above’ is something I still am working out. Today marks two years on this journey, and I am far from figuring it all out. One thing I know for sure is that I am so grateful for the pillars that stood when everything else around me fell.

What have you “set your heart” on today? Stand on what you know to be true about your God! Think through the pillars or habits in your life and pick one that you need to strengthen or invest in so that they can hold you up when your life is shaken. You must know Whose you are in order to know who you are.

(See you next time when we look at the life of Ruth and how she didn’t get stuck in grief.)

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I sent this photo to my husband in a text on Nov. 30, 2023. He was about to start a one-month sabbatical/vacation. He hadn’t taken time off in about 15 months, and he was tired and approaching burnout. As he looked forward to four weeks of just reading and studying for pleasure; time with me; Christmas with the kids and family; a trip to Green Bay to see a Packers game and time to just breath, he was getting frustrated because there were needs pulling at him and starting to fill in those first few days “off.” Trying to be an encouragement, I sent him this photo and said I would be praying he could hold his month off with open hands to let God fill it how He knew would be best. Looking back through the lens of knowing he had only weeks left on the earth at that point, I can see what a gift it was to have some “last” interactions with certain people.

When I look at this picture, I think of two things: surrender and worship. Most often, those two things go hand in hand (no pun intended). In the upside-down theology of the kingdom of God, freedom actually comes through surrender. It’s when our grip tightens onto things like plans, people, expectations, jobs, outcomes, etc. that we wear ourselves out trying to control it all. I recently read “God can do way more with our surrender than we can do with our control.” Loosening our grip is also an act of worship as we acknowledge our place in His kingdom and plan. And let’s be honest, as much as we think we’ve got a firm grip on things, life has a way of showing us that it was all an illusion. January 5, 2024 will forever be etched in my mind as a day when this truth knocked the wind out of me. I imagine the day Gabriel showed up to tell Mary that she was going to give birth to the Son of God was a day she never forgot either.

(That’s my younger son just 23 “short” years ago!)

When we first meet Mary in the pages of the New Testament, she is a young girl who is engaged to be married to Joseph. We aren’t told very many details about her life, but the phrases used to pen the few verses of her story speak volumes. The angel calls her ‘favored one’ and tells her that the Lord is with her and that she has found favor with God. Then he proceeds to give her this cosmic and other worldly plan that she was going to be a key figure in. Even now as I sit and read through these passages and try to imagine it, it’s still hard to wrap my heart around. A young, teenage girl going about her day-to-day life; honoring God and her parents; planning her wedding to Joseph and her future - comes face to face with an angel from Heaven who tells her that she is going to give birth to the Son of the Most High who will rule over David’s throne forever. She just asks one question. “How? I’m a virgin.” Oh, one more detail - “the Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you.”

“And Mary said, ‘Behold, the slave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to Your word.’” Luke 1:38 (LSB)

Do you see in that statement where Mary’s identity was rooted? She knew Who she belonged to. She knew Who held the pen to her story. There is so much power and freedom in being completely secure in that truth. I am not my own. I am His. My story is His. My people are His. With a posture of humility, Mary connects her identity to her relationship with the Lord. That positions her to say “yes” to whatever comes next, even if it’s going to completely upend her plans, her reputation in the community, potentially her standing before her fiancé, and put her on a very different path forward than the one she had anticipated.

“And Mary said, ‘My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.’” Luke 1:46-47 (LSB)

With her feet firmly rooted in the security of her identity as belonging to the Lord, and her heart bowed in a posture of humility, the next natural step is one of worship. She magnifies the Lord. That word literally means to make or declare Him great; to celebrate Him. In the early days after Zack passed, two spiritual mentors who had been part of both our lives gently gave me the same advice: resist the urge to chase the why. His sudden passing made no sense at all. Instead, they both told me to lean into what I knew to be true about God’s character. I did. And I believe with all my being that informed my grief journey going forward. Did I have questions? YES!! I still do. But I also believed that the answer to those questions would not bring me peace or comfort. I would only experience the ‘peace that passes understanding’ that Paul talks about in Philippians 4, when I rested in God’s sovereignty and goodness. If Mary’s identity was rooted in her reputation or her life plan, I believe her response to the angel would have been very different.

I think it’s also important to notice that Mary wasn’t condemned or rebuked for asking her question. The angel even answered it for her. But Mary didn’t get hung up on questions. I would’ve had quite a few follow up ones for sure! No doubt you’ve all heard the song Mary, Did You Know? quite a few times this month. As I’ve been pondering this post over the last few weeks, I have wondered how much she really knew. Twice in Luke’s gospel we are told that Mary treasured these things in her heart. I imagine she had a basic understanding of what was happening, but really no idea what this was going to be like or what all she would have to endure as the mother of Jesus the Messiah. What I see in her example is someone who set her questions aside, stored up treasures of what she was being allowed to know and experience, and saved the most room in her heart to worship the God that allowed her this part in His story. I have held tightly to Deut. 29:29, which teaches us that the secret or mysterious things belong to God, but the things that He has chosen to reveal, belong to us and our children.

“I need prayer.” The text came earlier this evening. I called my daughter’s cell. All I could hear on the other end were sobs between gasps for breath. I just listened for several minutes in silence on my end as I asked God for words. “WHY? I don’t understand!! Why would God do this?? I can’t stand this pain!”

As I have traveled through this valley of grief, one of the hardest things for me to surrender has been my kids. The heaviest waves of grief have come as I’ve watched them try to navigate life without their dad; deal with their grief; wrestle through their faith and if they want to follow a God who would allow this to happen; make decisions without Dad’s advice; try to celebrate holidays or big life moments with any amount of excitement. There were moments when one was turning to dangerous things for comfort, one was thinking too often about self-harm, one put all their bibles and devotionals on the kitchen counter and basically said, “I’m out.”

Those were the times when I would cry out to God about what was fair and right and just and loving. At times I would try to convince them to stand on truth or look for hope or lean into worship. Maybe because I was too exhausted to keep trying to carry their grief as well as mine or because I grew in my understanding that in some ways, we all had to wrestle this out in our own hearts with God, but over time I continued to loosen my grip on making sure they “got through this with their faith intact.” He was the One who allowed this. He loved them more than I did. He holds the pen to their stories, not just mine. He promised to be a father to the fatherless. So, I told Him that I was holding Him to it. I praised Him that “every word He speaks is a promise that He keeps.” I am here to love, support, encourage, rebuke if needed and appropriate, pray relentlessly for them and hold God to His word. He is a promise keeping God!

From the beginning
You’ve been unchanging
Age to age You stay
Constant You remain

Every mystery
The questions I’ve carried
Are safe within Your will
So I trust You even still

Mary’s identity was firmly rooted in her position before her Lord. That posture of humility allowed her to hold her hands open before Him, ready to say “yes” to whatever He asked of her. That position freed her heart up to worship. She worshiped through the questions. She worshiped in spite of the questions. She worshiped because of the questions! She knew He had the answers. She knew He was too big for her to understand. She knew His ways were higher than hers. She just felt privileged to be part of His story. So she trusted and obeyed.

How about you, friend? What are you gripping so tightly that your soul is getting tired? Your kids? Your marriage? Your health? Your future? Your finances? There is so much freedom and peace in surrender. Open your hands and release it to your faithful, promise keeping God. He is good.

(Merry Christmas! I pray you have a ‘Mary’ Christmas this year with hands open and uplifted! Be watching for part 4 after the new year as we look at Daniel’s identity “crisis.”)

Song lyrics are from “I Believe” by Charity Gayle. It’s a song I often have on repeat.

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(If you haven’t read part one, I’d encourage you to go back and start there so you know what page we’re on in this journey!)

“I love it when a plan comes together.” Showing my age with that throwback! I do love a good plan. And a brand-new planner. One with tabs and stickers and sections and a soft cover. I love lesson planning, budget planning, making schedules, new calendars with blank boxes representing endless possibilities and even planning meetings with note taking and minute keeping! The problem comes when life doesn’t stick to the meticulously detailed plans. As a homeschool mom, I would always be ready to throw in the towel (or the planner as it were) in February or March. At that point in the year, we were so far off the plan that I just wanted to buy a new planner and start working on next year! Maybe you can’t relate to the love of planners, but I’ll bet you’ve had a time or two when things didn’t go as planned and you found yourself knee deep wading through a pool of disappointment.

I mentioned in the previous post that two years ago we had just one kid left at home. As much as I absolutely LOVED being a mom, being Zack’s wife was my most favorite thing. Raising three teenagers in the fishbowl of ministry life was often stressful, and life with three teens plus full-time pastoring moved at breakneck speed most of the time. For a year or two we had started talking about empty nest and all the possibilities. We planned several trips, wondered if God would want to use us in full time missions, hoped to write some bible studies together, looked forward to grandparenting and friendships with adult kids, and just imagined life with “just the two of us” for years on end. He wanted to retire to Montana or North Dakota and run a Christmas tree farm called “Papa Z’s Christmas Trees.” (Papa Z was going to be his grandpa name.)

But God’s plans didn’t line up with ours, and I found myself wrestling with feeling like I had been robbed of our golden years together. It seemed so unfair that after pushing through the hard early marriage years, the bible college years, the parenting years and all the growth that happened through that - we missed out on the “coasting to the finish line hand in hand” years. The disappointment over the loss of those plans and years together sometimes was harder to process than the initial loss of my husband. The waves of grief over losing what was supposed to be would take the breath right out of my lungs.

Enter Ezekiel - a priest from the nation of Israel who was deported to Babylon under the rule of Nebuchadnezzar around 600 B.C.

He was 30 years old in the first chapter of Ezekiel when God gives him a prophetic vision. I learned in my study that typically, priests were able to begin their duties at the age of 30, possibly after 5 years of training. So, most of his life he had anticipated what he would be doing at the age of 30; how he would be fulfilling his purpose through ministry; how he would be serving his God and his people. I imagine his upbringing was a bit different than the average Israelite boy and teenager. His life path was pretty clearly laid out - until captivity around age 25, when he should’ve started his training for priesthood. That was definitely not part of his plan!

The people were in exile because of sin and disobedience toward God. I don’t know, but I would imagine Ezekiel was not part of the rebellious majority. Yet still he found himself displaced and very likely, deeply disappointed - in the plot twist, in the behavior of the Israelites, in the consequences of disobedience. He knew what could have and what should have been. He planned, anticipated and prepared. And now, at age 30, when he should be taking on full responsibility, he was a priest without a temple who had a calling he was unable to fulfill. I imagine he was feeling the loss of his purpose and the future he had planned. I think it’s safe to say he felt disoriented and confused, a bit like the rug had been pulled out from under him. The people of Israel were feeling it too. We see a small window into their disappointment in Psalm 137:1 which says, “By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat and also wept, when we remembered Zion.”

“Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.” - John Piper

Have you ever been there? Dazed and confused by the hard left turn your life seemed to take, diverting suddenly off course through no fault or plan of your own? Can you sympathize with Ezekiel? I certainly did when I was studying this passage! I actually felt seen in my disappointment. Emmanuel came and spoke to me just like He did for Ezekiel.

Ezekiel 1:3 says, “the word of Yahweh came expressly to Ezekiel” and “the hand of Yahweh came upon him.” God’s heart is for His children. Even in their punishment, He was present—Emmanuel, God with them, outside the temple. As our world shifts and crashes, turning everything upside down, God remains unhindered in His ability to work, to speak, and to move. He is not shaken. In fact, these are usually the times that we are the most open to look for Him and listen to Him. When nothing makes sense and we need answers, we tend to look up. Ezekiel’s story is a beautiful reminder of God’s sovereignty and faithfulness even when the world is on fire and plans seem to be falling apart.

In the middle of that disappointment, when Ezekiel was feeling weak and small next to the river Chebar, God flexed His omniscient muscle to show His power, not to the enemy, but to His own child. He showed up in a magnificent way so Ezekiel would be left with no doubt that God was alive and well and on the move! (There were even wheels in the vision!) He still had a purpose and a plan for Ezekiel. He was shifting Ezekiel’s calling from priest to prophet. His future was going to look totally different than he had thought, but he would go down in history as one of the faithful few during this time period who would speak God’s truth even though he knew that metaphorical “thistles, briers and scorpions” (2:6-7) were waiting to reject his message. Ezekiel leaned into God’s character and faithfulness even when nothing made sense. He spoke God’s truth even when it would be rejected, and he continued to serve the people of Israel. In the midst of a deeply disappointing change of course, Ezekiel knew that he belonged to God and that God was still on His throne, so he remained steadfast.

Do you think Ezekiel still wrestled with feeling displaced and disappointed? Absolutely! He describes in 3:14 some of his emotions. “So the Spirit lifted me up and took me away; and I went embittered in the wrath of my spirit…” The presence of truth in our hearts and minds doesn’t mean the storms won’t blow and the enemies won’t come. But truth keeps us steady. Anchored. Faithful. Moving forward. There were days when my bible was open to truths about God’s goodness and worship music was playing in the background, yet the cloud of disappointment was so thick, my heart couldn’t see past it. In those moments, Emmanuel sat with me until sunlight began to flicker through the clouds. God used Ezekiel to give the people hope beyond their exile. And God drew near to me in my study and gave me hope beyond my grief. He reminded me that it was ok to be disappointed. He was present with me through that emotional pain and loss, but He kept drawing my eyes to His face and filling my heart with reminders of His love and goodness. He gives so many gifts in the valley!

“When we believe that our Father is infinitely powerful and intimately personal, we find delight in trusting Him with our lives. When we don’t, we find His interference intrusive and offensive, and we rebel.” --Holly Roberts (BSF)

Is there something in your life that looks totally different than you had planned or hoped? Are you feeling disappointed? God’s heart is for you. Lean in. Trust the Author of your story to write the next chapter. We may not know the twists and turns that He will weave into the plotline, but we know that He will be present on every page and work it all together for our good and His glory as we move toward Him in love.

(Stay tuned for part three on Christmas Eve, where we will go off the planned order of these posts to look at Mary’s example.)

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Exactly two years ago today, I was busy living life. Nothing was perfect, but it was everything I had always wanted. I was happily married to my husband of 26 years. We were keeping very busy with ministry and family in CT. He was a senior pastor, and I was two months into my new job as the church admin, with Zack as my new boss. We had one kid left at home and were closing in on the empty nest years that we had been looking forward to. Our brand-new grandbaby marked the beginning of a new chapter for us as a couple and as a family.

If you had stopped me in the hallway at church and asked, “who are you?”, I would have responded by listing all the things that were filling my time and my heart. Wife. Pastor’s wife. Mom. Ministry leader. Church admin. New Babci. Teacher. Balancing blessings, managing stresses and building relationships. But only weeks later, God very suddenly took Zack home to Heaven, and one by one, the identifiers I had built my sense of self upon began to dismantle.

Within the year, there wasn’t one part of my life that looked the same. I was no longer a pastor’s wife, or a wife at all. My last kid at home had to move out because I was relocating to a different state, ending 22 years of raising kids at home. I finished my job at the church and moved in with my parents. I was no longer an active member of a church, a CT resident or the manager of my home. I even adopted out our family dog. The day I pulled out of my CT driveway for the last time, almost exactly a year ago, and headed to MD to settle in “for good,” I did feel a sense of relief because moving a whole house and life by yourself is exhausting! But I also felt a renewed sense of loss. I was very aware that my life as a pastor’s wife and stay at home mom raising kids and leading ministry, at least in Clinton, CT was in the rearview mirror, literally.

Moving put a very final end to this chapter of my life with Zack. I was turning the page to this next season that he wasn’t going to be a part of. I was about to flip the calendar to a year that Zack had never lived in. Everything was going to be different and new. Everything. I kept reciting to myself the verse and truth I had told our church family – “He makes all things new…in order to be new it has to be different from the old…” But even with that truth ringing in my mind, my heart and body were absorbing this new loss. Beyond the loss of my husband, I was losing who I used to be.

“Are you settling in?” my brother asked me a few weeks after the big move. “Yes. And it’s more unsettling than living in CT without Zack,” I responded.

I found myself feeling very disoriented. Like I was floating. Or drifting. Just existing. I was so loved and supported and provided for. I was being given something many widows don’t get - the chance to just rest and heal and figure it out, without the pressure to work full time and buy a house and make big decisions. Then why did I feel so lost? Like a guest in my own life? After an intense year of changes and loss on many levels, I had asked God for a year of rest. He was providing it, but I had a tension inside of me resisting the very rest I had asked for. I was no longer productive or contributing. I had lost my purpose; my identity. Or so I thought. How could I define who I was when my days had no routine or direction? I began to cry out to God, “Who am I? I don’t recognize myself anymore. What’s my purpose? What do You want me to do now?”

“In my distress I called to Yahweh, and He answered me.” Psalm 120:1 (LSB)

My Emmanuel drew near. He leaned in. He said, “Let’s start with one question at a time.” Then He began to show me through examples in His word, where my true identity was rooted. He took His time ‘planting seeds of faith in fields of doubt.’ Over time I began to realize that my truest identity had gotten tangled up in the roles I was fulfilling, the calling I had on my life, the hats I was wearing, the amount I accomplished day to day, and the people that I was pouring into. While all of those had immense value, purpose and were God given, I looked around at my life, at what some days felt like the ruins of Jericho, and I became very aware that I needed to tether my soul more tightly to what was eternally true. Roles, callings, good works prepared for me, assignments; these all could change in an instant. When the dust settles, I need to know with unshakable certainty who I am and Whose I am. Two years ago, I could articulate the truth about my identity in Christ with my lips, but my heart truly didn’t know what those words meant until life forced me to lean on that truth with the full weight of my soul and my faith. It was then that I realized how shaky my beliefs actually were.

Romans 15:4 tells us, “For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through the perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” (LSB)

Emmanuel patiently took me on a hope inducing journey through Scripture. Over the course of the next 12 months, He began to lead me across examples of His followers from biblical history who had faced an identity crisis of their own but were able to move forward with a steadfastness because they knew to Whom they belonged. With each story He led me through, my understanding began to deepen. I would like to take the next several posts and invite you on this journey with me. Join me as we look at how these biblical figures lived from a secure sense of belonging, even when they didn’t fit in. How their obedience to God flowed from their identity, without being hindered by a need for approval. My hope is that with each example, your sense of who you are at the core will deepen, and your identity in Christ will become more settled and secure.

Hey Babe.

Every year I do these Christmas letters to update friends and family on our lives the previous year. There isn’t anyone I wish I could update more than you, so this one is to you! I don’t know exactly what you are able to know and see about our lives. It’s funny how I can be so sure about what I believe to be true about a biblical concept, or heaven, or faith, until life pulls the rug out from under me and forces me to put those things to the test. There are some things that I am more sure of now than ever; some that I think we were wrong on; and some that I’m less sure of because experience has shown me I didn’t know as much as I thought I did. Experiencing your loss in my life has reframed the way I see all kinds of things: from suffering and grief, to heaven and eternity, to hope and joy and a whole lot more. In moments of uncertainty, I continue to try to stand on the truth of Deut. 29:29 with all my weight. The mysteries belong to God. The things that have been revealed - that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt – those are given to me and are enough to keep me filled and busy for the rest of my life! Well, we made it through our first Christmas season without you here. We stumbled through it like a kid learning how to ride a bike without training wheels. At times it felt weird and awkward and just wrong. All the kids did their best to enjoy being together. I did my best to keep it magical. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more grateful that Jesus is Emanuel – literally God with us! You did a great job filling us so full of Christmas wonder, I think we’ll be able to use that surplus for years to come. After I said goodbye to the kids, sent them on their way home and closed the garage door, it all let loose. And again, God was present in the form of my sister who saw me out there and just came and hugged me for a few minutes till I got it together.

January brought the one year anniversary of your Homegoing. I was able to share it with our faith family in Clinton. They did a beautiful service in your memory. You’d be so very proud of them for how the deacons led them and how they all hooked arms and held each other up and kept their hands to the plow. I know you’d also be so grateful for the wonderfully loving and supportive interim pastor and his wife that God provided them for 18+ months of shepherding and leadership. The family atmosphere that you worked so hard to create held strong in the face of hardship, all glory to God! I went to VA to spend your 52^nd bday with Gabe. I continued to get settled in at my parents’ house. They’ve worked so hard to make me feel at home. I’m so grateful for this loving landing pad. I tried to doordash for flexible income, but it wasn’t a great fit. I felt like God kept reminding me that I’d asked for 2025 to be a year of rest, and if I’d stop trying to fill it, He would grant that to me. I made several trips to CT in Feb and March for various things. I started spending a lot of time with Adam and Janelle and the kids as well as my cousin Megan. It’s been fun to reconnect with family that we’ve lived too far away from to stay super connected with. April began a very busy season of travel. I went to the Dominican Republic to see Gary and Tami Byrd and host a ladies night for the women in their church, complete with fondu. We remembered when you came and spoke there for several nights, and it was my first time speaking with an interpreter. You’re right; it’s tricky and hard to maintain the same energy and focus. Then I headed back down to VA for Gabe’s bday week. Can you believe our oldest is 24? He’s doing great at his job, and Isaac is his little shadow. He loves being with “Dada.” I know he misses you and your friendship deeply. The boys are always “fine,” but I know they are not. That might be the heaviest part of this – watching the kids try to navigate loss and life without you here. I got home from that trip and unpacked, washed clothes and repacked that same day for a mission trip to Guatemala with some ladies from CBF. We worked with a ministry called Dare for More that helps women and their children who’ve been rescued from trafficking or dangerous situations. They house them, provide for them, teach them skills that they can use to earn a living, and give them hope through the gospel of Jesus. It was very eye opening and heart changing for me. I got home from that at the beginning of May and had a few days before I flew out to Texas to help my sister pack for their big move to South Korea. What an anchor she and Nick have been for me since you left. Always available. Always ready to fly me somewhere to be together. Always looking for ways to hold me up. My Emanuel has been so present with me through our families. I am so, so grateful for each one of them! After Texas, I took a week to regroup and then did a southern states road trip and made 7 stops to visit various friends and family in NC, SC, GA, and VA. I have come to love traveling and road trips. If I could be independently wealthy and just travel full time, I’d be ok with that! If you can pull any strings…jk…kind of. Our other big news from May was that Luke passed his test and flight to finish his private pilot’s license! What a long road that was, but he did it! We were all so proud of how hard he fought through the hurdles and stuck with it!

In June we all met in CT for Sarah’s 20^th bday. Gabe surprised her and came up from VA. Luke surprised her with a flight for all of us. I wasn’t nervous at all – until the wheels came off the ground. Gabe probably still has nail marks from me gripping his arm. Fortunately, Luke gave me a barf bag. That’s the first time motion sickness has ever made me actually throw up. I blame Luke for showing us his “maneuvers” and turning the plane on its side! It was so cool to see the kids all supporting each other. Sarah has grieved “out loud” the most. She shares when she’s struggling. Losing you was always one of her biggest fears and having to live with that reality has been crushing sometimes. She has grown in her walk with God through this and reaches out to Him more and more. Luis has been such a steady support for her and lifts her up when she’s low or he just gets down on the floor with her. I’m so thankful she has that level of love and support. They are doing well and figuring out married life together. They’ve done a lot of driving and worked hard to stay connected to everyone. I also spent a week in June at the Jersey shore with Adam’s family. They include me in so much, and it’s been a joy to be a bigger part of their lives. Adam so misses your friendship and complaining about the Eagles with you.

July was a month of NO trips. It felt good to settle in for a month and slow down. Megan and I played a lot of pickle ball. I celebrated our anniversary by getting tickets to a comedy show and taking friends to laugh with. I’ve done quite a few comedy shows, seeing lots of comedians associated with Nateland because they are clean. I so miss laughing with you! I still laugh out loud sometimes at jokes you made in the past or memories that come up on my facebook page. I refuse to let grief take laughter away from my daily life, even though you aren’t here to provide it. August had me back in CT for a week serving at CBF’s sports camp and then VA to get in a quick visit with Isaac. Megan and I started taking tennis lessons. It was one of the things on my list to learn for 2025. Tennis is so much harder than it looks!! Remember when we tried it and you hated it because you kept hitting it like a baseball and launching it to the next town? We only did a few lessons but plan to get back to it in the spring. Sept began another string of trips. Nick flew me out to South Korea to spend a week with them and see what life was like. That was a big trip to do alone, but now I feel like I could go almost anywhere! Almost. Then I headed to NYC to see Nate Bargatze at Madison Square Garden! It was an amazing experience!! Then off to Greece to work with Emanuel and Teresa Negru and their team. Wow! What an incredible trip. They miss you so much and were deeply impacted by your ministry to them. There were some tough moments on this trip bc we were supposed to do it together. I got to stand on Mars Hill in Athens and read Acts 17 out loud. I almost didn’t get through it. God reminded me that you aren’t missing out on anything, and you’ve probably already asked Paul all about that experience! We traveled in RV’s with the team, cooked some American meals for all of them, and taught devotions each night to the students/women on the team. We came home completely empty and completely full at the same time!! The Sunday we returned and shared our trip update at church was also the last Sunday before the new pastor started. They allowed me to share a few words of encouragement. I am excited for them to close the transition chapter and start the next one. I was home for about a week and then headed to VA to be with Isaac for his 2^nd bday. Katie had been in a nearly fatal work accident the week before his bday and was in the hospital for an extended period of time. I ended up staying in VA for about 12 days to help with Isaac. She had so many people praying for her!! Seeing her so injured was an overwhelming gut punch. She has a long road of recovery ahead of her, but she is resilient and pushing through one day at a time. I was glad to have a chance to really bond with Isaac and be close enough to visit Katie often.

November was supposed to be a slow month to regroup and get ready for the holidays. Sometimes I think I’m incapable of living life in low gear. Dad had a pretty nasty fall outside at the beginning of the month. He’d been doing pretty well and working hard to get books published. This set him back a few weeks, but he spent a lot of time editing his fourth book to get it ready for publication. Luke turned 23 without much fanfare. He’s wrapping up several months of working a night shift road crew job that provided the income base he needed to get approved for his flight school loan. That job was a God flex! God dropped it in his lap just days after we were turned down for his loan because our income was too low. He has moved in with me for about 6 weeks and then down to FL to start flight school to continue his dream of becoming an airline pilot. I also did a road trip to PA with a friend and fellow pastor’s widow (who has been a mentor to me on this journey) to hear/meet a group of friends who do a podcast together called Dead Man Talking. They’ve actually been shepherding me this last year through their podcast without even being aware. It’s interesting to see all the people God puts in my life to walk me through this season. He even uses you through notes in your bible, old sermons and lessons you’ve taught me. Who knew your faithfulness to His word during your life would be one of the pillars that held up your wife when you went ahead of me to Heaven? I keep looking for Him all around me, and I keep finding Him! When I got home from that, it was a mad rush to prep the house for Christmas and get ready to host ALL THE KIDS for Thanksgiving!! We spent three days together playing with Isaac, eating so much food, and missing you. Your sisters and their hubbies came and joined us for a wonderful day together. Mom helped me with all the prep, so it didn’t feel too overwhelming. The boys all read passages from your Bible, and Gabe led us in prayer while sweet little Isaac just stared at his face. Oh, how I wish you could enjoy grandparenting with me. And with Gabe. Isaac is so much fun! It was a beautiful few days together, and I’m so thankful for it! I decorated for the first time without you. I could hear your voice in my head guiding me on where not to hang each ornament! It was a bittersweet process for sure! But I know you’d want us to live fully, love big, celebrate life and have eternal hope! So, we press on.

I still don’t know what next steps God has for me. He has made it clear to me that He wants me to write. I am circling three book ideas in prayer and waiting for clarity as those ideas begin to take shape. I’ve started a substack page to begin the practice of writing and sharing things in smaller chunks. Everything I did this year that was ministry related confirmed to me that I want to continue to do ministry with my life. I don’t exactly know what that will look like. I did two interviews for a friend’s podcast on grief and am speaking at a ladies’ Christmas brunch in a few days. I just keep asking Him to open doors and guide me. I miss being able to just follow whatever you said God told you. I took for granted how safe it felt to just lean on you (physically and spiritually) and live under the umbrella of your walk with God. Being a church visitor this last year has been an interesting experience. I’ve learned a lot about what matters and what doesn’t. Man, do I miss your preaching. I know that would surprise you. I guess I didn’t know how good I had it. I wish I had realized it so I could have told you more often.

In just a month, we will flip the calendar to another year that you won’t be a part of. At least not physically. You are not here with us, yet so often I see you everywhere I look: your eyebrows on Isaac’s scowl, your strength in Gabe’s stance, your mischievous sparkle in Luke’s eyes, your passion in Sarah’s writing, your intensity for God’s word handled rightly in my struggle to find the right church. Thankful for all the ways you are here, even when your absence takes my breath. My prayer, goals and hopes for 2026 are to have a book ready to be published, start seeing a Christian therapist (the last minutes of your life still haunt me), get better at tennis and pickle ball, take up piano again, join a gym - and be consistent. Oh yeah, and I need to get a job!! I’m hoping that I can sub at local schools 3-4 days a week to keep my flexibility. For adventures this coming year, I have a silent retreat in OCMD in January which sounds scarier to me than traveling to SK by myself, a Nateland cruise in February, a widows retreat in March, plans to go to London for my 50^th in June and then spend a few weeks in South Korea later in the year with my sister’s family. Did I mention I really need to get a job?? Except when do I have time to work?

I know you are complete and full and in perfect peace in your new and final Home, daily in the presence of your Savior and experiencing the worship we always imagined and wondered about. We look forward to joining you someday. In the meantime, we will continue to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, support and encourage each other, laugh every day, stay committed to God’s Word, share the gospel as often as possible, kiss Isaac’s face off every chance we get and be grateful for all the days and moments we got to share with you in this life! Gratitude doesn’t take away the pain, but it acknowledges the presence and purpose of God in the midst of it! We miss you more than words can begin to describe. And obviously, after this epic letter, I have plenty of words! You are always in our hearts and never forgotten!

See you up there, Babe!!

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Well, that was quite a bit longer than I had planned. Thanks for sticking with it! I will never be able to adequately express my gratitude for all the love and support you all have offered these last two years. My cup truly runs over. And over. And over. I pray the hope of salvation is a reality to you this year. If not, please don’t hesitate to reach out! Let’s have a cup of coffee and talk about how much Jesus loves you and wants to be known intimately by you! I pray you will know God’s presence and provision in new ways in 2026. Much love to you all. Merry Christmas!!

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Here are a few things you can check out if you’re interested:

Youtube interviews: Speak Your Grief with Sonya

Greece ministry: Impossible Greece (Emanuel and Tereza Negru)

Guatemala ministry: Dare for More (Reba Bowman)

Check out Dad’s books (Roger Boguski) on Amazon!

Life is seasons. Seasons when the damaging winds blow and the waves rise and crash. Seasons when the sun warms our faces and days play out exactly according to our plans. I’ve walked through both, and I assume you have too. I’ve known the ache of loss and the sweetness of not knowing which blessing to write first in my gratitude journal. Through every season, from deep sorrow to unexpected joy, I have discovered one unchanging truth: God is good, and His grace meets us in every one - it truly is sufficient.

This space exists because I want to point people toward that hope. Not the fingers crossed “maybe just maybe” kind of hope, but the feet firmly planted on the certainty of the promises of God, and nothing can move me hope.

I’m not writing simply about loss, or simply about blessings, but about the God who is present in all of it. My desire is to help you “taste and see that the Lord is good,” whether you are carrying a heavy burden or walking in a season of abundance.

Over the years, the Word of God has become a lifeline for me—an anchor that holds fast when storms shake the soul, and a steadying, convicting truth when life is calm and it would be easy to drift. Scripture keeps us tethered, centered, and rooted. It reminds us who God is, who we are, and where our hope truly lies. It gives us a lens through which we can accurately view our lives and the world around us.

In this space, I hope to share:

• lessons learned in valleys and on mountaintops,

• the small ways God shows His kindness in ordinary days,

• glimpses of His faithfulness in the long, slow paths of healing,

• and reflections from Scripture that have anchored my heart.

I don’t write as someone who has all the answers, but as someone who has been kept by a faithful God—and is still learning, still growing, still clinging to His promises and counting on His unchanging character.

If you are looking for encouragement, for reminders of grace, or simply for a place that points your heart back to Jesus, I’m grateful you’re here. My prayer is that these words will lift your eyes to the One who steadies us, sustains us, and leads us with unfailing love.

Here’s to seeing the goodness of God in every season—together.

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.” Ecc. 3:1