Most people believe they have a personality and that is what makes them who they are. Most people believe that life happens to them.

And they blindly accept that.

They stick to what they learned in childhood with a persistent stubbornness. Dedicated to suffering and mundaneness. Loyal to the concept that “life’s a bitch and then you die.”

Without ever asking why.

But if you are someone who questions the status quo; someone who asks why.

If you crave truth and depth

if you aren’t satisfied with the surface of what is

if you want to learn why you are the way you are

why everyone is the way they are

the hidden truths of reality

and most importantly how to actually have free will

and how to make reality bend around that will

keep reading.

Release everything you currently believe to be true.

Your level of understanding of reality is a small fishbowl. To escape this current fishbowl of reality you have to be willing to leave what feels safe. You have to be willing to break down the walls of beliefs that currently stand around you. Because what you think is the structure of reality, is just the structure of a cage that is holding you captive.

Take the leap out.

And trust that there will be something bigger that catches you when you do.

꩜ ꩜ ꩜

ESSAY I:

Foundational Understanding Pt.1

THE PSYCHE

When we think of someone who has a “big ego” we think of someone who thinks very highly of themselves. Someone who is cocky. Arrogant. The term ego typically has a negative connotation.

I am going to ask you to redefine the word ego.

Ego in Jungian terms is not negative at all.

The ego is just you who believe you are- your identity, your “personality”.

It is what you reference when you say “I”.

Your ego is your preferences and aversions (your likes and dislikes), your tastes, your favorites, your sense of humor. “I am this” , “I am that”.

The “I” is the ego.

“[The ego is].. is a complex of ideas which constitutes the center of my field of consciousness.”

Jung

Carl Jung’s Model of the Psyche

The ego is not fixed. It is just a pattern that started in childhood. When someone has an “ego death” nothing actually dies except the illusion of solidity. An ego death is just an internal realization that the “I” someone has been identifying with their entire life is just a construct.

The ego is a perspective. The small limited lens from which the psyche gazes out of. (I will expand upon the ego in a separate essay that I will come back and link here.)

The psyche is the entirety of who you actually are.

Jung breaks the psyche into 3 parts:

1. The Conscious

   1. Ego

   2. Persona

2.) The Personal Unconscious

a. The Shadow

b. Complexes

3.) The Collective Unconscious

a. Archetypes

b. Symbols

c. Anima / Animus

The ego is the small perspective from which we see. The persona is the mask that we created to present to the world.

Jung got the word persona from the Latin term for mask.

One’s persona is crafted in childhood as the shield that we develop to keep us safe. It is the social role that we are trained to play, shaped by a number of factors- birth order, parents, caregivers, teachers, neighbors, music, books, shows we watch, all cultural conditioning, etc.

By adulthood we have a well established arrangement of personas that we rotate through. We can switch between personas depending on which role we are playing at any given time. We can wear the serious persona at work, or the sexy one with our date or the fawning one or the assertive one. The construction of the persona is a psychological adaptation that allows us to function “normally” in society. But, when we identify too closely with a singular persona and start to merge the persona with who we are instead of seeing it as aspect of who we are, we can become constrained, repressed and resentful.

When we are always acting how we think we should act instead of how we actually, authentically feel- this is how the personal unconscious gets created.

The personal unconscious becomes the place where we push away the parts of the psyche that don’t match the persona. If we were raised to be hard-working, laziness gets repressed and becomes an aspect of our shadow, a part of our personal unconscious…. to be continued.

꩜ ꩜ ꩜

Okay ran out of writing time today but if this is your first experience with Jung and the psyche this should be enough to chew on for a little bit. I’ll send part 2 within the next few days and all 10 essays over the next few weeks.

In tandem with this essay - I implore you to look at whatever it is you reject in others.

This holds the key to your own shadow.

When you can get comfortable with your own shadow, only then can you be comfortable to expand into who you are meant to be.

Xx, Bella

As a woman all you should ever be concerned about is how you feel.

This isn’t to say to throw empathy out completely and start treating everyone around you like shit. Women are inherently empathetic. It is our conditioned default to throw out our own feelings to ensure the wellness of everyone around us. When women do not value their own felt reality as the most important thing in their life, they begin the process of self-erasure. Self- erasure ensures a woman that doesn’t make waves. A woman that doesn’t disrupt. A woman that doesn’t step on toes. A woman that stays small and people pleases. In a system where patriarchy prevails, women’s self- erasure is actually the most harmful thing a woman could do to anyone. The patriarchy hurts everyone. A woman’s self- erasure hurts everyone.

Hold all the opposing truths. Treat yourself with the same kindness that you give others. Be kind without pleasing people. Be loving without discarding any of your own needs.

Your felt reality is the only reality.

It does not matter what you are doing, who you are with, what you have or what you don’t have. All that matters is how you feel inside the experience of it all. You could have the perfect life on paper and be miserable. You could have a simple, boring life on paper but have the most euphoric internal reality.

If you could take yourself to a place of pure bliss just by understanding how to take back control of your mind, wouldn’t you?

Dig inside. Meditate on this. Why do you care how other people perceive your life?

Can their perception of you touch you? Can it give you physical pain? Can the way they think about you in their mind impact you?

No.

The only thing ever impacting you and causing you to suffer is your own mind.

It is your lack of control of your own thoughts that causes suffering.

Whenever you feel yourself worrying what other people are thinking of you all you ever have to do is return to truth.

The truth is you never know how someone is perceiving you.

Some things we do know through extensive research on human behavior:

1.) People most positively perceive people that are authentic and real.

2.) The liking gap is a psychological phenomenon where people consistently underestimate how much others enjoyed their company and liked them after a conversation. It represents a “gap” between perceived social performance (negative) and actual impressions (positive), often caused by overanalyzing one’s own insecurities during social interactions.

3.) The spotlight effect is a psychological phenomena that causes us to focus on our own flaws and mistakes much more than other people do.

You have to remember that everyone’s number one focus is themselves. Think about how much you think about yourself. You are worrying about how you look, how you sound, how you smell. And everyone else is worrying the same thing about themselves. Understand that while you are the center of your own world, you are not the center of anyone else’s.

Okay so now that you understand how stupid and futile it is to worry about how other people are perceiving you, what can you change?

Who would you be, how would you act, what would you do if you knew nobody was judging you?

The path to a life that feels blissful as its baseline is to take singular small steps that feel blissful.

You are way too caught up in stuff that not only doesn’t matter, but is entirely imagined.

Nothing is objectively real.

It is your own mind that keeps you trapped inside a life that does not feel good.

Change your mind to change your life.

꩜

When you are someone who knows her purpose or at least knows that she wants her life to be an expression of her soul- your number one priority should be protecting and channeling your energy. Where we place our energy we place our life. Now.. a common limitation to protecting your energy is the unfortunate slight of needing to have a job. Being an adult in America in 2026 means you must have a source of income. To buy things. To live. So you can live through the time period that it takes to build the life you actually want.

This is not something that can be escaped or bypassed. Even selling feet pics is a lot of work.

Being in the pursuit of purpose means there will be a building process. There is no such thing as an unrealistic goal, only unrealistic timelines. Custom building a life tailored to you takes time. In this timeframe, where you are simultaneously creating the new life while having to continue participating in the current life, you must focus on intention. Intention in every moment. Because every moment is an opportunity to either pull your manifestation closer or push it further away.

Think of it as two frequencies. There is a frequency of what you want your life to feel like vs the frequency of what you don’t want your life to feel like. For me the frequency of the life I want is how I feel when I am learning or teaching interesting material. When I am reading and writing and creating and socializing in meaningful ways. When I am expressing myself. It feels absolutely blissful. Free. Expanded. Light.

This is the frequency of my manifestation.

The frequency of what I don’t want my life to feel like is very different. It is the frequency of having to grind it out. Having to do something I don’t want to do. Being overworked and underpaid. It feels heavy. Frustrating. Grating.

If you get too caught up in what you are doing to get to where you want to be going, you will lose sight of the manifestation. Keep your eye on the prize. Don’t drop the frequency.

Get back your energy by being the gatekeeper of your mind. When you have control of your mind, you have agency over every ounce of your energy. The way I keep agency over my mind while at my job is treating it like a spiritual practice.

Alchemizing everything that could lower my frequency into something that doesn’t.

I know who I am, but can I uphold this self- concept under every circumstance? You are only as spiritually centered as your ability to stay yourSelf in every situation. When you view everyday as an opportunity to be as authentic to yourself as possible, you have agency again.

I aim to live every second of my life, even at my job, as the deepest expression of my soul. The pull from my ego gets loud. I mess up a lot. It is uncomfortable to be authentic. It is easier to play the ego game, but living from the soul invites others to do the same.

My mind is mine because nothing from the outside can change the way that I view myself. It is not easy, but I remind myself that my ability to be the best server has nothing to do with who I am. I am not interested in being the best server, I am interested in being the best version of my soul SELF. So when I catch myself getting upset because I messed something up or customer or manager is upset with me, I remind myself that this is not who I am. I do not care if I mess up at work. I do not care if a random person is mad at me because they didn’t like their cocktail. Because my job is not my life. My job is 1.) the way I am currently making money and 2.) a way that I get to experience push back on my current self-concept so that I can get better at embedding into the reality that I actually want.

When you reframe your job as something that is teaching you how to be a better creative, life gets a lot more fun. And that’s how life should be, fun. If you aren’t having fun you lost the plot and I can help you find it.

The you that is your essence. Your being. Your energy. If not, you will continue to suffer greatly.

*I refer to this deep, inner you as the Self (capital S).

Ever since I was very little I have been obsessed with identity. I have a journal from elementary school where I interviewed various members of my family asking their favorite color, their favorite number, their favorite flower, their favorite place and whether they preferred the lake or a spa. I guess I thought that revealed one’s truth, lol.

I have always been very observant of my own identity as well. I knew that I was most definitely a tomboy while my sister was most definitely a girly girl. I knew that I liked blue and definitely did not like pink. I knew that I hated make up and dresses and putting my Build-a-Bears in clothes. I thought it was cool when girls were not scared of spiders.

My idol was Extreme Wylene Wilson, a boisterous horse trainer. I looked up to her because, yes - she was a horse trainer, but also because I knew that I wanted to have her level of confidence. I wanted to know how I could be like that. She was absolutely sure of herself. She was loud but not obnoxious. She was theatrical but not corny.

Confidence that is authentic has a unique quality. Anyone can fake confidence but people that are sensitive to energy (basically all women) can feel the difference.

Being around people that are falsely confident feels like effort. It is draining. Being around people that are falsely confident is energetic work. It is hard to make sense of. It feels like confusion when being around them. Their words don’t match their actions. Being around people that are falsely confident is grating. You may leave their presence feeling worse about yourself or a situation. Because they are not who they say they are.

Being around people that are authentically confident feels peaceful. Being around them is calming. People that are genuinely confident are fun to be around because they are playful. People are only playful when they are comfortable.

Being the type of confident that elevates those around you is genuine, authentic, soul deep confidence. This type of confidence only comes from a deep understanding of what is your identity and what is the Self.

Getting through to the Self through all of the layers of false identity requires deep introspection. Digging through layers of false identity requires shadow work and ego death. This is why people that are authentically confident are accepting and patient.

Shadow work brings all the aspects of yourself that you want to keep buried, up to the surface for you to shine awareness upon and then accept.

Ego death is the preceding event that occurs when you realize that everything you thought you liked, you only liked because you were keeping yourself safe in childhood.

Identity is something we all got assigned.

Identity was never something we are.

Every identity we will ever take on will be false. Even as we morph into new versions of ourselves, even as we morph into our highest self. Identity is always restrictive. Claiming a new identity is not bad, it is a necessary part of expansion, but any identity is never truly accurate. We are never a label, we are only ever infinite. We are only ever a fractal of the Absolute. And that is where unshakable confidence comes from. When you are able to accept yourself completely in every single moment. When you know yourself well enough to know why you like the things you like. Why you stand for the things you stand for. And these pieces of you do not change because they are your being. When you know deeply that no matter who does not accept you, you accept you. You are comfortable in your skin, your hair, your clothes, your adornment. Everything is intentional. Any mistake that you might make cannot embarrass you because you already forgave yourself the second it happened. You thought it was actually precious. That is true confidence.

Who would you be if you were exactly who you wanted to be?

That is you.

People don’t do vision quests anymore and that is why everyone is sad all the time.

Vision quests, historically, were solo, spiritual adventures taken to connect one with their own purpose.

When we don’t have a vision to connect to, we feel disoriented. Having a vision gives us direction. Our vision is what lifts us back up when we fall into an inevitable rut of life.

Having an orientation is all you need.

In order for your life to feel like playful expression and participation instead of an incessant grind of the same shit different day, you must be oriented towards the vision.

If you don’t have a vision yet, that is no problem at all.

Your mission is to create/ find your vision.

Starting point

Who is someone on social media that you are genuinely jealous of? That you see on social media and you are like “fuck you so much i want to be inside your life.”

This is where you start.

It can also be a combination of a few people.

What about their life are you jealous of? Is it their career? How they get to spend their days? Where they live? Their partner? How they look? Social media is so beautiful because it is a looking glass into what is possible for us. When you are able to identify people that you are envious of, this is a perfect starting point for your vision. If it feels too big and too unattainable, remind yourself that this is just the orientation. The vision. It should feel too big. You don’t need to analyze how that couldn’t be possible for you or why it’s not possible for you. That is shadow work, and that is necessary for goal attainment but not vision crafting. Right now we are vision crafting.

Making it your own- The Japanese Concept of Ikigai

Nobody else’s life is going to fit your soul. That is why this person or combination of people from social media is simply our initial orientation.

In Japan they use a concept called Ikigai which loosely translates to “reason for being”. Using the Ikigai method will help you customize your vision.

Filling out your Ikigai chart may take a few days and requires you to be extremely honest with yourself.

Sections:

1. What do you LOVE?

   1. What do you genuinely love doing? The thing that you choose to do in your free time. It is probably something that you loved as a child as well

   2. You should come up with at least 10 of these. Even if you feel like it’s stupid or trivial or insignificant. Write it all down.

   3. Example- listening to music, the smell of the air in autumn, talking to old people in lines, doing intricate new makeup looks, partying, flirting, dancing alone in your room, watching sunrises.

2. What are you naturally good at?

   1. Not the things that you could be good at if you tried really hard- what are you naturally good at?

   2. It doesn’t matter if you like it, if you are naturally good at it write it down.

   3. What is second nature to you but other people may find really difficult?

   4. Examples- speaking to large groups of people, remembering names, remembering faces, giving compliments, giving gifts, making new friends, small talk, deep talks, cooking, hairstyles, outfits, smooth talking cops, training dogs, training horses, posting aesthetic photo carousels, knowing what to say to make someone feel better.

3. What can you be paid for?

   1. Get creative here- people will pay for literally anything.

   2. Don’t be precious about it, just be very pragmatic.

   3. What is a skill that you have that you could be paid for. You don’t have to love it- it’s an audit of what you’ve got in your actual toolbox. Skills you’ve been educated with or certifications you have. Even if you think it’s not special or like anyone could do it.

   4. Examples- copywriting, any writing, filming videos, posting on social media, teaching about social media, welding, car stuff, training people at the gym, babysitting, substitute teaching, producing music, writing music, playing an instrument, making art, crocheting, doing people’s makeup, teaching kids soccer, excellent customer service.

4. What does the world need?

   1. This connects you to the big vision. What is something you are noticing is missing out in the world that really would help people?

   2. These can be very broad or very specific.

   3. Even if you feel like you aren’t able to provide it.

   4. Examples: connection, self love, understanding, higher quality skincare, longer lasting red hair dye, better fertilizer for tomato plants, yummier coffee creamer, self awareness.

Be as thorough as possible in every section.

Ikigai is not a perfect science- there may be something that overlapped in all of the sections, but there most likely won’t be. The point of Ikigai is to get your mind opened to what will get you closer to discovering your true vision.

Vision and purpose are not the same. Purpose is not something that you will understand until you are looking back on your life. One of my favorite spiritual teachers describes your life purpose as a big, delicious pot of soup. Each action you take and mission you complete adds an element to the soup. At the end of your life your purpose soup is complete and you would have never guessed everything that made up that soup but it will be perfect, complex and complete.

Having a vision is having a North Star. It is the orientation that guides your days. Your vision should be so big that you know if you were to tell people it they would internally scoff. Vision is how you make choices. Is a choice getting you closer to your vision or further away? Once you have an initial vision and start taking actions towards it you start understanding yourself better and better.

Allow your vision to change. Your soul expression doesn’t change, but your understanding of your vision gets clearer. As you discover more about yourself your vision should change.

Vision is the North Star. The orientation.

Mission is the mountain you are currently climbing. (big goals)

The path is the steps you are taking that take you up the mountain.

How do you ensure you are taking the right steps? Alignment and flow, of course.

If more information on living in aligned flow would be of use to you, sign up for my “In Flow” workshop on February 14th! It’s on Valentines Day because it is an act of self love and self adoration. It’s like going on a date but way better.

There is a time for everything. A season for everything. When you are able to listen closely, to your body, to your intuition, the flow guides you correctly with little to no effort.

Like a hand on your shoulder, guiding you towards one direction or the other. You feel it and you move.

When we are out of synchronicity with the flow of life, we face an opposing force everywhere we turn. We push against the hand with all of our might. Like kicking against the current.

But the current doesn’t change. Neither does the way of alignment. What is true is that which never changes. You are always only one decision away from alignment. One decision away from working with the flow instead of against it. If you are tired of suffering, decide that you want to stop suffering.

The largest inhibitor of living in alignment is shame. Not for everyone in every culture, but we are not everyone in every culture. We are Americans living in 2026. If you’ve never been deprived of basic needs- food, water, shelter- you don’t have a fear block, you have a shame block.

As a culture we carry the belief that life is hard. That work is hard. That we don’t deserve rest unless we’ve worked past the point of exhaustion.

But the only folks who benefit from this cultural ethos are the rich ones who own the companies. And P.S those people rest whenever they want.

If other people can love their career, their relationships and themselves why can’t you? Why are things allowed to be easy for some people but not for you? Some people are just lucky and you just aren’t? They just had better circumstances? You are just eternally the victim?

Shame tells us that there is something wrong with us. Something about us individually, uniquely is why we aren’t allowed to live our dream life.

Truth is absolutely everybody has had circumstances that could have kept them down. The only difference is whether you are able to take responsibility for what you can do or not.

Shame tells us that there is nothing we can do to make things better.

Shame tells us that we will not be loved if people knew the truth about us. “If they knew that I love blank, they would think I’m so weird.” “If they knew that I was blank, they would laugh at me.” “I am not blank enough.” “I can never be blank enough.” “I’m too blank.” “I am not blank enough.” “My body should be blank but instead it is blank.” “I need to be more blank to have blank.” “I need to be less blank to have blank.”

You get what I’m saying.

When you shine awareness into the areas that you shame yourself you will easily find examples of lives and people that directly counter your false, shame based beliefs.

You can find an example to counter absolutely every statement you made above, I would bet my life on it.

You feel like you are too lazy to be rich? I know millionaires that only work 3 hours a day.

You feel like you aren’t attractive enough for your dream man? Look at Aaron Taylor Johnson’s wife.

So if the defect that you thought was the root of your unhappiness (“I am not blank enough”) is not actually the cause, what is?

The meaning that you are assigning to the defect.

The story is the belief system and the belief system is the source code that your reality repeats. If the story that you have written around something is not an empowering one, you are the source of your own limitation.

You don’t have what you want because you have a deep belief that you are not worthy of having it. But there is nothing actually written saying that you aren’t worthy! You are worthy! Belief systems start in childhood and are perpetuated through our lived cycles. You don’t have to live your life as a reflection of your upbringing.

Life does not have to feel boring. Or chaotic. Or hard. You just have written a story. And your experience is always a self fulfilling process.

You decide and the world shifts. The belief system is the code. And thoughts create the belief system.

So decide better. Think better thoughts.

When you entertain the idea that life is supposed to be easy and fun. You will begin seeing proof of it. What is the best for ourselves is also what is best for others.

Belief shapes perception. Perception is reality. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, except the faulty belief that you have something wrong with you. You are not so special as to have something wrong with you and only you. This world is way too big, the Universe is way too busy.

Nothing changes until the way you see things changes. If you’re ready to see the good, start now.

What are 10 beautiful or lovely things about this moment for you, right now?

I’ll go first.

I am so comfy in my bed rn. I feel healthy and well. I love my work. I have tons of food in my fridge. My brother is safe at home. I’m wearing my retainer and am so blessed to have straight teeth. I am 26 and my body is super tea. My candle smells beautiful. I can watch any movie I want after this. The snow makes everything quiet. I love my car. I love my space heater. I love tea.

Now you.

Keep focusing on the good. Keep noticing negative thoughts and rewriting them.

Change is the only constant. Suffering doesn’t last.

Stay warm cuties.

shame work is necessary if you wish to become your highest self. work with me 1:1

What is one thing in your life that you want to change this year? If you aren’t changing it you are choosing it.

For me, my focus this year is entirely on growing Be Well w/ Bella. ✿ I started out this year in a toxic situationship. I also was half-assing my painting business because I knew deep down that it did not feel aligned. But I had no idea what was aligned. I knew I wanted to write, communicate, learn and teach spirituality and healing to dope women for a living but I had no idea how I could make that a reality. I continued trusting the process and listening closely to my intuition and in September I started my spiritual coaching practice. I have never felt more excited about something in my whole life. The women I was able to work with this year have solidified for me that this is right where I am supposed to be.

I want to sharpen my coaching and work with even more women this year.

If you are ready for you life to keep getting better, lock in.

𖦹 𖦹 𖦹 𖦹 𖦹

Where you direct your focus is where you will direct your life.

If you are interested in living your most joyous possible timeline, a series of decisions is required.

The decision is the first step of every single creation.

You must first decide whether or not you even have the desire to live your happiest life. People often say they want to be happy, but the truth is they are still in love with suffering. If you are ready to leave suffering behind for good the next step is to deeply understand, at the level of the body, that this is possible for you. There is deep fear and shame work required before most people are ready to accept that this is a reality for them.

A note on fear and shame: Reality is fractal and beautiful and perfect. Reality follows a flow, an order, like in nature. Fibonacci’s sequence. Fear and shame are distortions in our ability to follow the flow- to exist within the natural order. Fear and shame are conditioned thought systems that distort perception. This is why they must be dissolved. Before the dissolution of fear and shame we are unable to distinguish reality from imagination.

Once you truly believe this reality is possible for you, only then can you start taking the actions to make this decision manifest into reality.

In the book You are the Universe, Deepak Chopra illustrates the concept that reality only exists because we are here experiencing it.

Reality can only expand in proportion to one’s awareness of reality.

You can tell how far your awareness of reality extends by your level of comfort with the statement “I am capable of anything.” Because the limits of your reality are just that- unlimited. If you aren’t aware and accepting of this fact, this isn’t the case for you. If you want it to be the case for you, it can be.

Due to cultural and political circumstances most people have little interest in expanding their awareness. We have comfort zones we are trained to stay inside of. We have been culturally conditioned for stagnancy. It is our job, as conscious individuals dedicated to living life how it is meant to be lived, to decondition ourselves and rewire our brains for expansion.

We are at a cultural juncture where the most conscious people have the most power, money and time. By conscious I mean having a working understanding of the power of the mind.

Highly conscious individuals understand that power comes from focused attention.

When our attention is spread out amongst hundreds of thousands of focal points in a day, our power is diffused. Our attention is syphoned from us every day in millions of ways and our lives slip away from us slowly. We live life from distraction to distraction. Our aspirations experience death by a thousand cuts. Each time you turn your eyes in the direction of distraction, you are wasting a drop of pure potential energy.

The greatest power you possess is the power to harness your attention. Because where our attention goes our energy flows.

Imagine how much time and energy you would have if you stopped pouring into people, scenarios and situations that no longer serve you? Women are conditioned to say yes to everything and everyone, regardless of whether we will be empowered by that yes or not.

Your attention is your life force. Start focusing on only what truly matters and watch how quickly your life shifts.

If you want to be a person who helps more people, you need to be more selfish.

People pleasing = nobody is actually pleased.

Your people pleasing tendencies may have you believing that being a martyr makes you a good person. If you are always putting yourself last you are not a selfless saint, you’re addicted to being a victim.

A people pleaser that refuses to be selfish is actually the most self-interested archetype of person to exist.

Here is why.

People pleasing is rooted in external approval. It always goes back to childhood/formative years and the need to be a “good girl” to get love and attention from our caretakers.

It’s very common. As a recovering people pleaser I know the feeling all too well. When you agree to something just because you don’t want to come across as bitchy or rude- this is people pleasing.

When the “yes” leaves you feeling bitter, resentful, agitated or annoyed- people pleasing.

You can justify it to yourself all types of different ways but the root of a people pleasing always returns to the craving to be perceived as a good person.

Women get bit in the ass by people pleasing a lot more than men because of our social conditioning.

Your “no” is as important as your “yes”.

Think of a scenario at work where the boss asks the group if anyone can pick up an extra task. When it’s silent for a second and you feel that urge to just say “yes” even though you really don’t want to- DON’T SAY YES. Why should you have to do it over anyone else? Your time is just as valuable as everyone else’s. Would it be easy for you? Yep. But that doesn’t mean it’s your job. Women are just good at everything so we think it’s easier if we just do it. No. Make a man figure it out for once. Place more value on your time and energy, it is the most precious asset you have.

When you get over the knee jerk urge to say yes to everything you start to strengthen the intuitive muscle of discernment. What you actually want to say “yes” to vs. what you actually want to say “no” to. Start using that no, mama! And if after you say “no” someone thinks to themselves “Oh wow. She’s kind of rude.”…

… who gives a shit!

Any projection someone puts on you is a reflection of them. This is psychology 101.

Every time I hear a woman say “no” I think to myself “Omg purrrr, queen.”

There is no such thing as one way liberation.

Everything you agree to out of a people pleasing tendency, is something that you most definitely will not do your best work at. When you are attending an event or doing something for your boss out of the energy of “Ugh, I just have to get through this even though I wish I was somewhere else doing something else.” you are bringing the worst energy ever. When you say yes to something that is out of alignment for you (you can tell by the fact that you aren’t excited to do it. Excitement = alignment) there is no room left for the person who is in alignment with the thing to do it.

You’re messing with the flow, maaann.

So here you are pissed off about doing something, when instead there could have been someone doing it who wasn’t pissed off about doing it. Through people pleasing, nobody is pleased.

When you begin exercising your “no” you clear more room in your schedule to say “yes” to stuff that you actually feel aligned with and energized by. And when you are doing something that is in alignment you are bringing an energy that is lovely for everyone that is around it. Aligned energy is magnetic and brings harmony everywhere it goes. When you say yes to something out of excitement and a genuine desire to do it (aligned), you will bring your very best to this situation.

You shouldn’t be doing anything if you aren’t planning on doing your very best. Agreement #4 of the Four Agreements : Always Do Your Best.

When you agree to a bunch of shit you don’t even want to do there is no way you can do your best work.

So BE MORE SELF-CENTERED. When you are more selfish, you help more people. Go where your excitement and alignment guide you and you will become a light in way more lives, and in the process, make your own life way better too.

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Want to get rid of your people pleasing for good? Book w/ me

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https://bewellwbella.com

Concept #1.)

Every single person is a creative being. No exceptions. We are all creating all the time whether we are aware of it or not. We are energetic beings. There is no way out of this. By holding a frequency we are creating reality and the only time we stop holding a frequency is when our hearts stop beating. The divide is not between the creatives and non-creatives, the divide is between the aware and the un-aware.

There are so many different mediums of creation. Each human is disproportionately gifted in a different medium. Each person has a superpower that is entirely unique to them. Your medium, your gift, is so unique to you that you are the only person in the world that can create that specific art. Maybe you are exceptional at making people feel comfortable in your presence. And also you are obsessed with Pearl Jam. So you decide to create a threads page entirely dedicated to Pearl Jam related discussions- the music, the era, the fashion- and soon the page becomes a thriving community where you and thousands of other individuals can be themselves and talk about something they are interested in. You created something unique to you. Something that could only have been born from you because of your unique gifts. No, maybe you aren’t a painter or a singer, but there is art inside of you begging to be born. Art can take millions of different forms. But anything that goes from an idea in your head to something real in the world for other people to experience is an art.

Concept #2.)

You can only collaborate with the Universe when you are being present. Everything that has ever been created has been created in the present moment. Most people walk around unconscious because most people walk around worrying about the future or ruminating on the past. Presence is the key to anything that anyone could ever want because in presence everything that isn’t real dissolves away. Do you fear what others think of you? Be here now. Their opinions aren’t touching you. Their opinions of you are some artificial construct that lives only in your mind. Do you fear the uncertainty of the future? The future is not here. The future is never here. And the present moment is always extremely bearable. Because when an actual crisis occurs, you don’t have time to think about it. In presence fear dissolves entirely. Because right now you are so safe. And you are always so safe. Only in imagination does all that suffering occur. Imagined suffering is a first world, upper- limit problem.

The “upper limit problem” is a term coined by Gay Hendricks for the tendency to self-sabotage when experiencing success, happiness, or abundance. This subconscious behavior happens because individuals have an “inner thermostat” that sets a cap on how much positivity they allow themselves to enjoy, and once this limit is exceeded, they often create a negative event or thought pattern to bring themselves back to a more familiar level of comfort.

We are so lucky. We have access to everything we could ever need. Warm beds and full bellies- always. We are so privileged that we have to create artificial suffering in our minds and have that torture us.

The way you live your life is an art // We access the infinite through deep presence.

You are either intentionally creating or unintentionally creating, but you are never not creating. You either are living in imagination or in presence. When you are thinking about what is happening right now you are being present. When your thoughts are in the past or future or creating an assumption, you are not being present.

We are all creating, every single second. We are so deeply enmeshed in the fabric of reality, so connected, that every single thought we have ripples out into our reality. Not like if you have a bad thought it manifests into reality- the Universe is friendly and she wouldn’t let that happen. There is a buffer between thought and creation, and that buffer is choice. We have thoughts then we decide if we wish to embody those thoughts. When we choose to embody a thought, this is when reality begins to bend around that thought.

There is no such thing as a non-creative human being. If you feel like you are not creative you just haven’t found your unique medium yet. Anytime something is formed through you, that wasn’t there before- you are creating. This can be in the form of conversation. When you choose to speak to a stranger- you’ve created something. There now is an experience being had by you and the stranger that would not have existed before. You pulled something down from the ethers and made it something that could be felt here on earth. There is always a crossroads when it comes to a choice. We could make the choice that is entirely predictable, like the choice to be pissy at the grocery store and be completely closed off to everyone, dashing around as hurriedly as possible to ensure nobody talks to us. This choice will lead to the same outcome it always does. But there is always another choice we could make, one that opens up the door to the infinite. The choice that turns us into a creative being that is collaborating with the Universe. Maybe this week at the grocery store you bring all of your awareness and patience with you. (I am about to go to Aldi and I am actually excited because I plan to practice deep presence while I am there and every time I am deeply present I always have a ball.) You choose to notice every little beautiful thing. The birds chirping as you walk in, the door that opens without even having to touch it, the cute baby with a full head of hair that is missing a shoe, the old man who walks with a cane that came in just for a pint of vanilla ice cream. Instead of living in your head, ruminating on everything that happened at Thanksgiving dinner or worrying about work next week, focus your attention here. Anxiety and worry doesn’t change the past or future, it only brings suffering to the present. Being present is noticing the moment around you with all of your senses. How does it smell, feel, sound and look on this aisle? Oh look, the baby’s other shoe. You pick up the shoe and return it to the young mom. She tells you that these shoes were a gift from her grandmother that passed away a few months ago. She is so extremely grateful, as she didn’t even notice her baby’s shoe fell off. She insists you take the Starbucks gift card she is handing you, as it was a gift from her work and she doesn’t like coffee.

A gift. An interaction. A creation.

You created that. You created that sweet interaction and manifested that gift out of the ethers. Just by being present and going along with the flow of awareness.

To me that is art. Creating something beautiful where it could have just been something mundane. Because reality is beautiful. It is when we are living in the imagination of worry and guilt and fear that things get shitty. But also art doesn’t have to be beautiful it just has to be honest. Sometimes art is telling off a middle aged man with a full cart after he cut in front of the old man with the cane that only had one pint of vanilla ice cream.

“Oh sorry I didn’t realize.” He says in a tone that is both condescending and defensive as he gets behind the old man.

Well little does he know that is my unique artistic medium, realizing. And I choose to express it everywhere I can.

So what are you exceptional at? Where can you express it? Hint- the thing that is your unique artistic medium might be the thing that you don’t like about yourself. It might be the worst thing that ever happened to you. It might be the thing that you think is wrong with you.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I used to think my hyper-sensitivity was a flaw, a weakness. Something that was wrong with me. But it was never that.

Only once we accept all facets of ourselves can we begin using our creative powers to their full potential. You are a creator because you are a human. We are here on this earth creating every second of every day. The odds of any one person being born are around 1 in 400 trillion. Not to mention being born into the most privileged country during the easiest era in human history. Might as well milk this thing for all its worth and show off every single talent you have. The thing is, you know you’re special. You just keep letting fear and shame shut you up and keep you small.

Stop playing small, it’s actually selfish. When you let your own light shine you unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. Please ruffle some damn feathers and have some damn fun at the grocery store.

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“The Universe abhors a vacuum” is a contemporary translation of the concept of Horror Vacui (latin). Horror Vacui was theorized by Aristotle. The theory explains that nature does not tolerate a vacuum (empty space) and that when empty space appears in nature, matter rushes to fill it. Deep space is the closest thing to a true vacuum that exists naturally, but even in deep space some atoms exist. Because we live in a fractal Universe, what is true on a macro scale is true on the micro scale. Not only does nature abhor a vacuum, humans abhor one as well. Silence, boredom, darkness all feel deeply uncomfortable for most people.

Only the people who understand how to collaborate with the void understand the beauty and power of liminal space.

You can’t fill your house with new beautiful furniture and still keep all the old furniture.

When we want to create a change in our lives, we must first give the change the space to come in. If we want to change our habits, we first have to cease participating in the habits that are detrimental to us. If we want to find our purpose we must stop doing everything that we know is not our purpose. To manifest anything in life, there has to be a void for the manifestations to come into. There has to be space cleared.

Creating an Intentional Void

When you can feel that any aspect of your reality is not fitting you just right, whether it is your job or friends or hobbies or diet, there comes a point where you can keep going along with it or you can change it. Whatever you do not change, you choose. You can continue to spend time and energy in spaces that are comfortable but not ideal, or you can create an intentional void.

The intentional void is the pause.

It is not making a hard and fast decision; it is pausing to look at how all of the space in your life is currently being filled.

Space = time. There is only a certain amount of time that we get in our days. How we spend this time is how we create our lives. Free time is not a gift that anyone simply is granted. If you don’t intentionally create free time, it will get eaten up by other people because, again, nature abhors a vacuum. To create the intentional void we start by saying “no” to more things. Instead of being booked and busy all weekend and every evening with lunches, dinners and random dates that you aren’t even excited about, create free space in your schedule. This action is carving out an intentional void. And it’s not like you aren’t doing anything! When you carve out intentional void time, block it out in your schedule as a work meeting! Because it is work- deep soul purpose work! It is work that is returning you to yourself! It is more important work than anything else in the world if you ask me.

This is the time that allows you to sit in stillness, in your body, and ask yourself what truly makes you happy. What truly sounds fun to you? What kind of life do you truly want to live? Where do you want to spend time? Yes, living in the void definitely feels like boredom at times, but we work with this boredom.

Isn’t it kind of lovely when we feel like life is moving slowly for once?

Let’s say you have no plans this Friday because you carved out some intentional void time. That is a win already. Now you can ask yourself, what does my body really want and/or need right now? If you are exhausted or maybe in your luteal phase your body might just want rest. Maybe ordering some take out and watching a movie is exactly what your soul is craving- honor that. Maybe you are excited about a new book you want to read. Or want to catch up on your favorite show. If nothing sounds fun, rest and do nothing and let yourself be bored, because pretty soon you will feel the impulse to do something. Follow that impulse. Big breakthroughs don’t happen in shocking, huge moments. They come from one small intuitive hit at a time. Maybe you need to journal about all the crazy shit that’s been happening lately. Or maybe you need to have a huge, emotional word vomit into your journal and let yourself feel all of the feelings that you’ve been running away from. Wherever you are right now is exactly where God/ the Universe wants to meet you.

It is by constantly distracting ourselves that we miss the communication with God.

Only from the void can anything be created. In terms of creation, the void is the womb. The space necessary to create a new life.

The void is nothing to be scared of.

It is right where you will be standing when everything falls into place.

This is not an abstraction.

Nor is it a metaphor or a poem.

It is a contemporary articulation of an archaic truth.

Nothing is experienced outside of the mind. Yes reality is infinite, but it can only expand proportional to one’s capacity to experience it.

Reality changes shape to fit within the parameters of our expectations and beliefs.

Again, not an abstraction. Just a powerful truth that most people have no idea how to apply.

Neuroscience proves that-

1. Reality recalibrates to match your deepest subconscious beliefs.

2. You can choose your subconscious beliefs.

Therefore, every person can choose what reality to recalibrate into. And then keep recalibrating until reality fits like a glove.

Yet, so few people exercise this choice.

When you are not actively choosing reality, you are taking a passive role when you should be taking an active one. You are denying yourself harmony. And in denying yourself harmony, you are denying the Universe harmony.

There is a Buddhist parable that teaches this concept called The Six Kinds of Beings. The story is told by a 17th century Tibetan monk named Ngawang Kunga Tenzin in the book The Royal Seal of Mahamudra. (I have paraphrased the parable into my own voice.)

In the parable there are six kinds of beings from six different realms overlooking a flowing riverbank. The riverbank is filled with the same water that fills every riverbank, but each being sees the water as something entirely different. The being from a hot hell sees a river of fire, while the being from a frigid hell sees a river of ice. The hungry ghost being (the “hungry ghost” is commonly referred to in Buddhism and is representative of an insatiable ego) sees a river of blood and pus. Land animals see the river as drink that sustains them, while aquatic animals see it as their home. Gods see the river as “amrita”- the sweet nectar of immortality.

The six different beings represent the different states of consciousness a human oscillates through when they don’t bring intention and awareness to their perception. When we burn in anger our experience is scorching. When we feel rejected our experience is painfully cold. When we are grieving, absolutely everything hurts. When we are falling in love our experience is neon and everything is pleasure.

Before thought work (the intentional practice of bringing awareness to our thoughts and replacing them with better, more supportive thoughts) reality is entirely dictated by the mind-made melodrama being played out by our brains on autopilot.

Experience is dictated by perception.

Perception is dictated by belief. (For more on this science read my e-book Consciousness 101)

Belief is dictated by thought.

When we bring conscious awareness to our thoughts and begin the process of doing thought work to transform the quality of our thoughts, we begin taking control of our experience.

Before thought work- we are reacting to life. Through the process of thought work, life begins reacting to us.

“We are the masters of our own fates and the captains of our own souls because we have the power to control our thoughts.” Napoleon Hill

When our minds run rampant we misassign meaning, we create wild assumptions and generate painful stories- all in our imaginations.

Worry about the future becomes suffering in the present.

To live with a well-behaved mind is to live with a clear perspective. Like you have returned to live this day from the future. Instead of waking up in your 90 year old body you woke up today in this one. At whatever age you are you are so young and so healthy and everything is so beautiful. When you look back on your life from your death bed you can see how inane it was to worry about your appearance. Or stay in a relationship that isn’t right. Or get angry at someone for a mistake. Or worry about something that is entirely out of your control.

I try as often as I can to see the immense beauty in everything around me. Like the God that sees nectar where others see water. All I know is that every time I choose to see beauty, beauty shows up. When I choose to see malice, malice shows up.

We are here on earth to use our consciousness to its full potential. Unless we are choosing our thoughts we are squandering this potential.

Perception is reality. What will you choose to see?

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The truth is - my main priority in my life is health and happiness. If I find myself in a space that doesn’t make me happy, best believe I am immediately taking action steps towards getting out of that space. I refuse to stay anywhere that I am not having a literal ball. Because that is my right. This is the right that everyone has, but very few people actually exercise.

And it is entirely by design.

It’s science.

Our brains’ default setting is to be scared of anything unfamiliar. The only function of our brain is to keep us alive. Survival is what our brains are maaadddeeeee for. (Not health or happiness. There is a difference. I’ll explain in a sec.) Anything that is registered as unfamiliar, is registered as a big, fat “no no” in the body. Even if that unfamiliar thing is ultimately better for our long term wellness and happiness. We have negative bodily reactions to situations that the brain deems as dangerous. And, for the brain, unfamiliar = hella dangerous.

So how does this manifest into our daily lives? Let’s say you had the goal to eat really clean this week because you kind of wilded out on Halloween with liquor and chocolate. hehe. When the time comes to have lunch and you are faced with the option of left over pizza from the fridge or making a salad with grilled chicken, you reflexively reach for the pizza. When you don’t pause to determine if your choices are aligned with your higher self or your lower self, you will always default to lower self. Because this is what your brain has made your body more comfortable with. What is crazy is that this neural process happens every second of your life, in every choice that you make. If you don’t get intentional with your choices you will keep following the exact same pattern that you’ve always followed. I call this auto-pilot mode and most people live here.

Auto-pilot mode is a loop. You make a decision by default and then you beat yourself up for making that decision, then you self-soothe with something that makes you feel less bad, but only for a little while and then you beat yourself up for that! Living in auto-pilot mode causes you needless suffering.

The only way to break the loop is through intentional action. Taking the action that is definitely less comfortable, but will make you happier in the wake of it. Making the choice that your higher self makes. Each time that you catch yourself before defaulting into an auto-pilot decision, you put a little crack in the matrix. Each time you make a choice with intention, you starve the ego just a little. (The goal is to starve it to literal death.)

Pausing and determining if a choice is serving you or not is how you live consciously. Intentional action > reaction.

When we make conscious choices from the place of the higher self, we begin rewiring our brains. We are letting our brains know, little by little, that expansion is safe. That going down the path of the higher self is safe.

Next week I will get into more practical ways to deconstruct and rewire.

I am on a personal journey to live as the embodiment of my highest self as often as possible. It takes effort and intention everyday. I am no where close to where I want to be yet but I know what direction I am heading.

My website went live on September 7th. Leading up to my website going live I wrote my first e-book on the foundational understanding of how your thoughts create your reality.

I have posted informational videos (really good shit btw) on instagram and tik-tok everyday.

Pushing through the fear of posting on instagram was scary. I had always used my instagram like everyone else did, like a highlight reel. And I wasn’t even active. I showed up a couple times a year to show my sexy halloween costume and a mysterious, cryptic photo dump, nothing more. But the thing about your calling is that it keeps calling. I refuse to live my life in the confines of fear. I aim to show up as my true self- everywhere I show up. So showing up on instagram just to show out, started feeling inauthentic. When I got the intuitive impulse to turn my instagram into a self-development platform, I had to honor it. And it was mad scary at first. But not at all now. There is always a new cave of fear to enter. And this is always where I must go.

In her book We Should All Be Millionaires, Rachel Rogers explains the importance of reaching out to people and building connections. She says to create a list of people you want to reach out to, and then do it. Shit.

If I want to get my first clients, I know I am gonna have to start having conversations with folks.

Me working through fear in real time

And I have a fear of this for a multitude of reasons-

I don’t want to annoy people. I don’t want people to see me as slimy or salesy. I don’t want to create awkwardness. I don’t want to make people feel like they need to buy something from me, or that I even want them to buy something from me. I don’t want to be a nuisance or even nuisance adjacent. I don’t want to be rejected. I don’t want to be made fun of behind my back. I don’t want to waste my own time or anyone else’s.

Ah. Saying all the fears out loud is always so relieving. All of these are very easy to work with honestly. They are all rooted in stuff that I have already healed.

I know that the reason I have created this business is to empower women and change their lives. End of. If I come off annoying sometimes in the pursuit of this vision- so be it. Everyone I know has survived mild annoyance. I am not slimy or salesy. If someone perceives me that way, it is a projection of something from inside of them. Getting a text or email that you have no interest in responding to is definitely a nuisance, but a very small one. I am okay with being seen as a slight nuisance in the pursuit of my goals. Every failure is teaching me a lesson. When people reject me, I will not take it personally. I know that every no means I am trying. I know that every no moves me closer to a yes. Nobody talking shit is ever doing better than you. My dreams and what I am passionate about is never a waste of time. I learn from everything I do.

Okay purr. Fears worked, time to send some emails and texts.

Oh and if you’re here check out bewellwbella.com

I teach women how to get all their power back.

Also beer goggles is just an insane thing. I know myself well enough to know that I can’t even have one drink on a first date because I will actually think I like them. This has happened too many times. After one drink, literally one, I develop false attraction to almost anyone. It’s just unhelpful for all parties involved. So yeah, drinking just is not agreeing with me lately

Even with all of the inner work I’ve done. Even though I am able to see beauty in everything. Even though I know, on an intellectual level, that everything I loved about him was just some reflection of myself. Even with all of my awareness that my attachment to him is just ego. Even from the seat of the Self. Even with all of my radical forgiveness. Even with all of my other co-workers that I loved so dearly always there to bring me laughter.

The pain of seeing him never dulled.

So I had to leave. It became my only option. During the time right before quitting I was praying a lot. For signs on what to do to make big strides forward in my life and business because I was ready to be uncomfortable in the pursuit of my life. I’ve always been ready to be uncomfortable in the pursuit of my life. So I believe the hand of God is who directed my exit from the restaurant. I trust her. I believe the pain was the sign.

“The feeling is the answered prayer.”

So onward.

The situation that this situation is inside of is my business. I started a wellness brand that most definitely is a newborn considering I haven’t had a client yet. This business was born just like a baby was, I get what people mean now when they say that their business is their baby. I knew I wanted to start a business since 2023. This was the year I read Rich Dad Poor Dad for the first time and Think and Grow Rich by Napolean Hill. I also had done enough internal work to know that money is not bad, the Universe is on my side and I’m here to do what my heart desires. I started the slow climb. Straight into-what the hell do I want to sell? I knew I was too committed to truth to sell anything material. Because that didn’t feel meaningful. I am a painter. So I started there. My mantra at that time was “Even though I cannot see the finish line, I will be loyal to my next step.” I just kept stepping. This was around the time I started my serving job. One step at a time. I painted a lot during this year. I also took a business class and began learning all I could about branding and starting a business. “Start before you’re ready” is how I would sum up most of what I learned. I also was diving deeper and deeper into my spiritual study and relationship with the Universe/ God. I was writing in my journal everyday, essays and poems. I even published a ton of poetry anonymously on a site.

Fast forward a year & long story short painting wasn’t “the thing”.

My “the thing” was underneath it all. The thing that I had been all my life. Without ever trying. A communicator. The writing I was doing everyday because I had to. From my soul. My conversations with people where - when I was able to help them drop their walls - I could see their effervescent, glittering truths and talents. I see magic in everyone I meet.

This is my basement. My thing underneath all other things.

My ability to communicate. My ability to guide people confidently inside of themselves into their own internal, powerful, beautiful truth.

I deeply feel like my search for what I want to do with my life is over because I know. This is my brand, my business, my baby, my truth.

Now I just have to make some people give a fuck about it. I know from all of my successful business predecessors that it is going to be hard.

And that’s okay because I like hard.

October 18th, 2025

All that said, I was sitting outside on this lovely perfect October morning- deeply present with all of the beautiful things in my life. Going over, in my mind, everything wonderful. Asking God for guidance, as always. And watching the sweet little chipmunks and squirrels and thinking “Jesus Christ! I’ve seen this chipmunk bring like 30 acorns to his little hole just this morning.” I was laughing at him (his name is Chip) saying “Chip, you’re so greedy!”

Then I remembered.

It’s just a season. These little guys are in their season of abundance. But they are preparing for winter. They understand on a deep level, instinctive, that seasons are the way of life. Abundance always comes, but so does the lull. The void. This is the way of things.

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” Tao Te Ching

These squirrels are doing what is given them to do. They know what to do and they do it. And they are happy.

This was my medicine for my day. Know that everything happens in cycles, seasons.

Nothing lasts forever. My season of frustration will not last forever.

I trust that as long as I keep walking forward in my truth, unhurried, unworried; I will arrive somewhere new. Somewhere beautiful.

But here is beautiful too.

A dom in the streets is a sub in the sheets.

All things in life are the way they are to encourage us- the human, the being, the experiencer - to achieve balance.

Balance: Oneness. Unification. Integration. Wholeness. Truth. Saying what we actually mean and meaning what we say. Walking it like we talk it. Resonance. Alignment. Christ-consciousness. An embodied understanding that we already have within us everything we could possibly need. Infinite love. Infinite joy. Infinite acceptance. And we can call on that awareness at anytime, because it is our birthright as human beings.

When someone is existing for much of their life disproportionately on one end of the extreme spectrum (such as working as the CEO of a huge successful company and never asking for help and taking everything on and carrying all the weight on their shoulders day in and day out) you best believe that individual is FEINING to be told what to do.

Now, let’s look at the other end of the spectrum. Maybe someone who is soft spoken, a people pleaser, reliable and patient, rarely gets their way but would never complain about it because they don’t want to cause a stir- yeah they are probably gonna wanna choke you. Lolololol.

Kink has become this veiled taboo word because as a society we are trained to feel shame around the shadowed aspects of our psyche. Shame around our desires. The less we talk about shame the more control it has over our lives.

Opposites attract.

What makes us attracted to someone?

We are drawn to individuals that have something that we want. This magnetic pull comes from the unconscious desire of our soul to become whole. You are attracted to them because they are doing something in the world that you aren’t brave enough to do. They have some facet of identity that you don’t quite feel brave enough to internalize and embody, yet. When you boil down even the smallest desires to their true essence, you find kink- the urge to wholeness.

Basically every platitude and quote can be deconstructed down to - yeah, kink. Yeah, the urge towards balance.

Opposites attract because our souls are unconsciously craving oneness. “I am so sweet and angelic and I love bad boys.” Because my soul wishes for me to integrate the energetic archetype of the mischievous bad boy into my own being. When I am in my more balanced, conscious energy instead of being attracted to a specific energetic archetype, I am attracted to someone who reflects the best aspects of me back to myself. This is how to choose partners from a place of wholeness and wellness instead of from a place of “I need to fill a hole” energy.

Filling an internal emptiness with something external is always hedonic! Always will ultimately fail. Always turning out your empty pockets - in the words of Taylor.

Now, when considering kink it’s important we look at the energy behind the kink. What the kink represents, not literally kink itself. Because everyone has such different upbringing and exposure and genetics and pasts, the expression of kink means something different for everyone. Just because two people may have the “same” kink, doesn’t mean it is filling the same emptiness within them. One person who likes dressing up as a dog to get effed might be seeking out the feeling of being owned, taken care of, loved unconditionally. Whereas another person that likes to dress up as a dog to get effed might be seeking the feeling of being wild, primal, unrefined, messy. Two totally different needs that are being expressed in similar ways. Kink is highly individual.

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Never judge your own desires.

Judgement will lead us to want to ignore our desire. Ignoring or suppressing our desires will not cause them to fade away, it actually has the adverse affect. The desire will become more and more inconvenient and loud until eventually something in our life forces us to face it head on with our full attention. It is much better to treat every single desire with close care and attention and zero judgement. It is not your fault that you want something that you want, it is just some facet of your soul that needs to be validated in order for you to become the person you are meant to become.

Your desire is disclosing something deeply unique to you. Instead of looking at your kink directly to find out more about your own desires, look at what that kink represents for you. Anything that you crave externally is something that God is asking for you to be able to become for yourself. Once you can give yourself everything that you’ve ever craved, you are unstoppable. When you are balanced, you do not care what other people say to you or about you. You would always be 100% authentic because you are 100% at peace with your truth. There is nothing empty left inside that needs to be filled. Once you are full from the inside you have so much to offer.

It’s all building from that point. It’s all from love.

Every act is either a call for love or from love.

bewellwbella.com

xx Bella

We women need to learn to speak up as loud as the men.

Don’t fall into complacent acceptance of somebody else’s way just because they speak louder than you.

My personal philosophy used to change based on who was the loudest in my head at any given moment.

For example, if I read a compelling quote on a poster I would pretty much immediately take it on board as truth. If it’s on a poster and accepted by tons of people it must be true!

But just because something is commonly accepted and written in bold print, does not make it right.

As I moved forward in life I realized how much contradiction exists- between everything and everyone.

In college one of my friend groups thought I was a wayward maverick for smoking weed and partying, while my partying friends saw me as Ms. Goody Two Shoes.

It was at that point I realized that no matter how I choose to live my life I will be contradicting other people’s belief systems, so it’s high time I just stick to my guns, no matter who I’m around.

Only you know what is right for you at any given moment. And what is right for you will be wrong for someone else.

There are people are super successful that party all the time. There are other people that are super successful that have been sober for 30 years. There is no right way, there is only a way that is right for you.

People that stand strong for what they believe in and seem to be unshakably confident did not get that way by accident.

They got that way because they decided to be. They decided to trust in their way.

In order to stand strong for what you believe in you have to know what you believe in.

To know what you believe in you must define the following:

your values, your desires and your God.

These three facets are the pillars of your personal life philosophy.

Your life philosophy is your compass, the only thing you need to look to to make decisions.

Your personal code of conduct.

Your ninja way.

Your standards.

A life philosophy will ensure that you always return your trajectory towards your highest self. It is your compass like Captain Jack Sparrow’s compass. It isn’t always pointing to the objective North, but it is always pointing to your true North.

Pillar One

Desire: The language of divinity. aka- Eros

Higher wisdom speaks to us through the pull of our desires.

Following where desire leads is a sacred act.

I’m not talking about short term impulsive desires like effing every hot guy you meet or eating pizza every night for dinner. Impulsive desire is short term pleasure, empty and hedonic.

When I say desire I am always defining it as sacred desire.

Desire feels expansive.

Desire is the voice of our soul.

Desire challenges you to become a better version of yourself.

Desire pulls you up, not down.

What excites us, energizes us and gives us joy should be what directs our decision making.

Following desire takes us places that may not seem “logical”. But then some how land us exactly where we need to be at the exact right time. Desire aligns us within divine blessings. Miracles.

If following the desire is like hopping on a moving street car, our intuition is each step that we pound into the ground to be able to catch said street car.

Intuition guides each small choice that we make in pursuit of desire.

When you follow intuition you are in direct contact with higher dimensions.

Higher power communicates with us through intuitive hits that feel like joy and excitement.

You bridge the gap between higher dimensions and this dimension with where you spend time.

Spacetime is the 4D.

The fastest way to bridge the gap between the higher self that you envision and the self that you are now is to follow intuition (the language of the higher self) to make decisions on how to spend your time. Intuition has foresight and higher understanding that you aren’t able to see in the 3D with your limited human brain.

Desire is not selfish, but rather desire is what points you in the direction of growth and sustainable happiness.

True desires will be in alignment with your values- this is how you verify their validity.

Pillar 2

Values: The core that you return to.

When you live in integrity- when your actions align with your personal values- you have an unshakeable confidence that comes from an unbreakable core. You are not gilded with a beautiful shiny metal, you are made of it.

To be confident you must have values. When someone does not have core values that they adhere to, the more they build the reputation of being untrustworthy, wishy- washy, and flaky. Having values will mean that you repel as many people as you attract, but you will repel the people that don’t align with your values and attract the ones you do.

It can be startling for the ego when you start living in accordance with your values, because you will become more and more polarizing. You will be less of a people pleaser.

You won’t stay in spaces where you aren’t valued.

You will walk away from deals where you aren’t being offered what you deserve.

You will stand up against people that are bigger than you when they are being unjust. You will risk being unpopular if it means standing up for what you believe to be right. You will wear what you want even if it means that you are overdressed.

You will dance and sing when you feel joy because you don’t care if people think you are drawing attention intentionally.

You aren’t afraid to piss people off because you know you are pissing the right people off.

Your values must be based in truth, undistorted by ego veil.

These values that you hold are your center, your core. When you have values that you live your life in accordance with, you never feel lost because you always know the next right thing.

Some of my core values are:

★ I trust my intuition when making decisions for my life.

★ I believe in a friendly Universe, a benevolent God. I see the good in everything.

★ I believe all humans are created equally and perfectly. I am not above or below anyone else.

★ I deserve to prioritize my physical health.

These are some of my unshakable truths.

Any situation that would force me to act out of alignment with these values, would be a situation that I would get out of immediately.

Pillar 3

God: The amount of magic you are willing to accept.

You need to heal your relationship with your God. Put the image of a white man in the sky out of your head.

When I reference God I am referencing whatever it is that is orchestrating this experience. The goosebumps you get when you hear beautiful music. The feeling of watching the sunset over the ocean. The feeling of falling in love. The feeling of being in the crowd on a gameday when your team just won the game. The feeling we feel when we tap into the fullness of our humanity. The sociologist Émile Durkheim calls it collective effervescence.

Collective effervescence is a sociological term, coined by Émile Durkheim, describing the heightened energy and emotional intensity experienced by people in a group setting, fostering a sense of unity, awe, and shared identity. This “electricity” generated by shared experiences, such as rituals, concerts, or sporting events, creates a powerful feeling of connection and can lead to significant social and psychological benefits.

Everyone has a God, whether you call it that or not.

Whatever you dedicate your life to, becomes your God.

If you don’t intentionally curate your relationship with your God, you get the one that is given to you.

I was raised Atheist so the god I was given was the god of achievement and rugged individualism. I have since replaced this God with one that is much more conducive to me reaching my goals and being as joyful as possible as often as possible.

You may have been raised in religion and been exposed to all of the corruption and misinformation that exists in the Church.

But ditching your connection to the divine when you decide to ditch religion is throwing the baby out with the bath water.

You get the God you believe in.

“The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.” - Einstein or something

Seek and you shall find.

Begin looking for evidence that the Universe is friendly, that God is on your side, and you will begin finding it.

Once you heal your relationship with God and forgive your God, you begin to see how everything is working in your favor and everything that seemed like it was a hindrance, was actually protection.

When you decide that you can trust God - this is where the real magic happens.

Once you are clear on these three pillars you have the foundation of your personal life philosophy.

From this base you can build anything you are brave enough to desire.

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I am a teacher /guide/ coach!

I am currently booking free 30 minute coaching calls.

During this call we will get clear on where you are now (mentally, emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually) and what needs to happen in order for you get where you are wanting to go.

The only thing ever holding you back is fear. And fear is no match for the truth.

Are you ready to love your dark side?

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You die when you don’t give your dark side the attention she demands.

No you won’t die immediately or fast or violently but you will bleed out slowly. Boring-ly. Normal-ly. Dripping life force into everyone else’s bag. As if in .25x speed you will watch yourself become enveloped in the demands of everyone else.

You have to give yourself back to yourself by becoming a little bit more “bad”. (Or a lot a bit, maybe. Different strokes)

Integrating the shadow is part of becoming fully realized. Fully expanded. Final form. Your final form is your most magnetic, joyful, healthy, glowing, authentic and expressive version of you and this is where you belong. This powerful version of you has not only shone the light of awareness on her darkest, most suppressed aspects of herself - but also has accepted them fully and now loves them.

We are so scared to admit our faults to ourselves. We are scared to admit that we are selfish. Jealous. Angry. Sad. Scared. Lazy. Ugly. Mean. Judgmental. Timid. And that sometimes we want to be these things but don’t allow them to come forward. We repress them. Guess what - we all are all of these things. If any of these words specifically struck a cord with you, that is probably one of your shadows. And it’s dope.

Roll the film.

In the movie Black Swan Natalie Portman’s character, Nina, is dedicated to perfection (always an illusion, of course, but she is gunning for it hard). She is a professional ballerina in New York City. She dances with a prolific company but she won’t be sated until she is the star; until she receives the validation from her external world that she is indeed perfect in every way and she is indeed the best there ever was! Maybe then she will finally feel content with herself, right?! ;)

Her technique is flawless. She is polished. She is controlled. She is the goodest girl in the whole company without a doubt. She is pretty and sweet and hardworking and small and quiet and good.

Nina represents the collective feminine urge towards the male crafted ideal of perfection. The innate, but defensive, proclivity to be palatable. Because what is more palatable than the cultural standard of perfection. We prove to the world, through action and achievement, that we are worthy. We unconsciously tie our worth to the level at which we can perform. If we fail, we are a failure. If we succeed, we are successful. No?

When Nina wins the coveted role of the Swan Queen in her company’s rendition of Swan Lake her director emphasizes that she needs to be able to embody both the White Swan and the Black Swan for the role.

Now- around this same time the company also hires a new dancer named Lily.

Under high pressure from her own internalized standard of quality and her insistent self-drawn comparisons with the beautiful ingénue, Lily, Nina begins to crack. She cannot dance the Black Swan at the level that her director is demanding of her. He is demanding her to be more sensual and less mechanical- more like Lily. Instead of resting or slowing down like her body is begging of her, Nina fights the fear of failure with harder work. More emphasis on perfect technique. Longer hours in the studio.

During Nina’s descent into madness. Lily is ascending into the awareness of the company and the director. Lily lacks technique, her moves are unrefined. She lacks professionalism; she shows up late to rehearsals and smokes cigarettes in the studio. Nina is strongly averse to Lily’s way of being. But Lily dances beautifully- uninhibited. Her dancing portrays the fluidity that Nina needs to be able to channel for her Black Swan dance but cannot. Nina becomes deeply jealous of the director’s infatuation with Lily and with Lily’s success.

Aversions and jealousy are the secret portals into the shadow. Anywhere in your life where someone acts in a way that triggers you is reflecting your shadow back to you. When you have strong aversions, there is deep work to be done. The stronger the aversion, the deeper the work. The interesting thing about the psyche is that these places of resistance show us the desire for integration. When we judge and oppose something so hard, we actually crave to allow ourselves to do or to be that same thing. It is not always literal, but it is always related.

Example: I used to hate when people were loud and obnoxious. I could not believe that some people had such disregard for everyone else and such stupid confidence in themselves. Secretly, I craved to allow myself to be outspoken at times, but always reined myself back in.

Now that I have integrated this shadow I assert myself when I am drawn to. Loudness isn’t in my nature, but I don’t limit myself anymore either. Sometimes I am loud and obnoxious, and I accept it. I now have zero aversion to loud, obnoxious people, in fact I love being around such unbridled expression. Shadow integration success!

Now back to the movie!

Tensions are also growing between Lily and her mother at this time. Lily still lives with her mother and remains on the tight leash that her mother keeps her on. She works to keep her mother happy although she deep down views her mother as a failure. (Erica was a professional ballerina herself but never became a “star.” Mostly because she got pregnant with Nina… mother wounds!) Her mother symbolizes everything she does not want to be. Yet she still stays in the cage her mother has around her. Another aversion. Another shadow.

After months of rehearsal, Nina has become unhinged. Her relationship to reality becomes fragmented. She is no longer able to distinguish real from imaginary. On the premier night of Swan Lake Nina gives every final shred of attention and coherence to the performance. She embodies the Black Swan. In fact she becomes the Black Swan.

In her performance she lets go entirely. She is sensual and uninhibited. And in moments- she is evil.

It is also still easy for her to fall back into her nature, she dances the White Swan beautifully.

SPOILER I AM GONNA TALK ABOUT THE END OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE THIS TIES EVERYTHING TOGETHER QUITE NICELY.

In the final scene of the movie she dances the graceful, sweet White Swan one last time with an effervescence unparalleled.

Then, she falls to her death.

I believe her death to be figurative- like the Death card in the tarot.

Her death represents the death of her old self.

The death of the girl who is always striving for perfection.

The death of the shackled, small, sweet version of herself that has been suffocating her internal Black Swan.

This version of her had to die.

So that she can live. In totality. In truth.

Every ending is a new beginning, the more treacherous and dramatic, the better.

The White Swan must die so that the fully integrated, final form of Nina can live. She becomes the star that she always wanted to become when she accepts that she is not perfect. She is a woman.

But “just a woman” is the most powerful and beautiful thing to ever exist.

I am a teacher.

I love guiding women through all things holistic wellness. Physical and spiritual.

Visit my website bewellwbella.com to get personal mentoring from me.

I noticed everything.

I especially noticed that nobody else did.

It made me into a sensitive child. Turned inward.

I was always observing the world with quiet discernment. Always taking note of how I could cause as little disruption to everyone else’s experience as possible.

This was my self appointed task for the first decade and a half of my life- be as easy going as possible.

As I became a young adult this “skill” I had developed out of protection became people pleasing tendencies.

I used my fine-tuned awareness and sensitivity to keep everyone else happy. I could tell from a microexpression if I was bordering on annoying someone. And then made sure to check myself back in order to keep them appeased.

This was misuse of my sensitivity. Misuse because what I was gaining by people pleasing was validation. But validation from people I didn’t even respect. People pleasing feeds the ego. And as I felt more validated by those around me, I felt further from my self.

Sensitivity becomes a superpower when we use it to expand- not contract and contort.

If you are a highly sensitive person it is your assignment, your responsibility, that your sensitivity does not become avoidance.

You are like the most broad spectrum radio, channeling so many frequencies. So much chatter, so much noise. It can become overwhelming. And the overwhelm can become depression.

You may feel the need to check out entirely- evading exposure in order to avoid the overstimulation.

Evasion is not the answer.

Dial In.

You can make the noise stop without shutting down by tuning out what isn't necessary. Dialing in.

It takes a high level of focus to be a sensitive person that is strong and unshakable.

You must first cultivate the ability to Observe Not Absorb.

When you pick up on information revealed to you by somebody’s body language (a subtle shift in their eyes or vocal tone, a very unconscious, most likely unintentional, cue that most people would never register at all) you mustn’t absorb this.

By absorb I mean let whatever it was that you picked up on change the way you are acting or expressing.

Yes, you have this ability to read people like a book.

Yes you have this ability to pretty much read people’s minds.

No, you are not crazy- but this information is not yours to do something with.

When you feel the need to take someone else’s experience into your hands, or carry the weight of it, this is a misuse of your energy. Other people’s experiences are not yours to fix or carry.

Your only responsibility is your own energy. It is when you feel the need to fix everything around you, that your experience becomes too heavy. You must have hard and fast boundaries. Keep other people’s bullshit out of your field.

If you can master the ability to have awareness but not take responsibility you are one step closer to alchemizing your sensitivity.

Now, when it comes to emotions you must learn how to Find the Meaning in the Emotion.

When you have strong emotions you must remember that this is not how it is going to be forever. Sadness is a place you visit, not a place you stay. Emotions come in as informants. They show us where the weak spots are- leaks in the roof, cracks in the foundation. Where our work is.

Yes, deep suffering hurts like a bitch, but you must learn to not identify with this pain. This suffering is a visitor. Weather in the climate of your experience. Weather passes through, but doesn't stay indefinitely. When you are able to sit with the deep emotion you’ll find you can manipulate the storm. You can make it dissipate much faster if you are willing to confront it head on. (I have found somatics and body work- EFT tapping, exercising, stretching- to be re

ally great ways of moving emotion through the body quicker.) As a sensitive person you must never try to escape from the painful emotions. Trying to escape from an emotion is like putting a band aid on a bullet hole. It is going to demand direct attention eventually.

Examples of Band-Aids: overworking, distraction through relationships, drugs, drinking, doom scrolling, any form of binging content from TV shows to books, etc.

When you use Band-Aids the emotions eventually become bigger ailments like depression, anxiety, physical sickness, eating disorders, and other neuroses.

Avoid the bigger problems by confronting emotion and finding the meaning in it as soon as it passes into your awareness.

When you can observe the world with a selectively permeable membrane and find the positive meaning in deep emotions you have laid the foundation to becoming unbreakable.

You aren’t sensitive like glass, you are sensitive like a hair trigger in highly trained hands.

When you are a highly sensitive woman who trusts her intuition you can read a room like nobody else can. You can connect with people like nobody else can. When you have this ability there is absolutely nothing standing in the way of you achieving your wildest dreams.

xx Bella

I am looking to take 5 clients in my 4 week 1:1 container- The Wellness Crash Course for Baddies

This container is for women who want to reach their highest potential.

If you are interested in high potency cheat codes that will change your life for the better- I got u. xx

Every time you become highly emotional in response to an external stimulus you are reacting. When you react you are hemorrhaging power.

If you want to become someone who is unshakeable, keep reading.

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Emotions are informants.

Emotions point you to where your work is- to where you are still unhealed.

I define “healed” as the ability to stay open-minded and open-hearted. The ability to maintain a state of inner peace and bliss. Our “unhealed” places are where we contract, close-off and get emotional.

This is where most people already blunder. Most people think it is their job to evade the emotion.

“If this thing makes me sad, I will avoid this thing.”

“If this person makes me mad, I will avoid this person.”

“If I drink I can’t even access my feelings.”

“If I am constantly busy or working I can avoid my feelings.”

“If I am always in a relationship I never have to be alone with myself.”

These evasion tactics are reactions. You are reacting to discomfort by running away. Flinching. Tucking your tail. Evading emotion is letting fear limit and shape your life.

Living inside the confines of fear will ensure that you will never direct the flow of life the way you want it to go.

To start really getting in there, in full participation, in full creator mode- you have to consciously work on your triggers, not attempt to escape them.

Notice how I say attempt. Because that’s the thing with emotions, they will find you eventually. And when they do it will be with a force equal to the force of your evasion efforts. Oftentimes taking the form of sickness or tiredness or even depression.

This is why they say - “When you are depressed, you need deep rest.” Yes, you need deep rest. Deep stillness to get quiet enough to confront the deep roots of causation.

What is really going on?

Allowing yourself to feel all of your emotions deeply, is heavy spiritual work. It is work that most people don’t have the strength to do in this lifetime.

“Where your fear is, there is your task.” - Carl Jung

Emotions are extremely complex. In order to understand the true roots of an emotional reaction- there is a process of examination required. Emotions exist so we can delve all the way in and extract every piece of information possible. So we can learn and begin to understand where we are unhealed.

The first stage of the process is to fully enter the highly emotional state. Face the emotion head on. Emotional states are not where we should make decisions from and not places to have productive conversations from. Emotional states are the places where we need to be the most gentle with ourselves. Stay open. Do not numb. Do not try to escape. Breathe. Keep feeling and know that emotions move like waves. Let the emotion wash over you and know that it will pass. Once the emotion has passed this is when examination can happen.

What was it about the specific event that triggered such an emotional response from you?

Let’s say that in this specific instance the wave of emotion that came over you was deep sadness from a break up. You are sad because you love this person, you love their quirks and nuances, the way they smell. You are sad because the love you received from them was special and nobody else is special in the way they are. This is heartbreaking.

But this isn’t true.

Now, once you've allowed yourself to go deeply through the feeling stage (this may take days or weeks and will not be linear) it is time to distinguish truth from veil. The veil is everything that our ego tells us. Our ego has made these things about this person special.

(Now, there is a deeper level of Jungian waters here that I am not diving all the way into. Like, there are definitely aspects of this person that you adore so much because deep down you wish to integrate those aspects into your own identity somewhere…but this is a whole nother newsletter!)

Your disconnection from them feels like a disconnection from specialness. Disconnection from the one thing you wanted to connect with.

You feel scarcity, like you can’t ever get this again. But scarcity is an illusion.

Abundance is truth.

But when you are analyzing the situation with consciousness, from the seat of Self, you know that precisely because you found this once, you will be able to find this again.

Where there is one there are many.

The existence of your adoration for this person proves the existence of this adoration.

How exciting!

This is where the spiritual work is.

Getting down to the essence, the actual truth of the matter.

So yes, be sad from a break up. And be gentle with yourself. As long as that wave of emotion is crashing on your head, drown in it, be with it.

And then when it passes, what you make of it is who you are.

What you do with your pain is the most important thing.

So the next time this feeling comes around, a deep painful emotion that makes you feel shaky and alone, remember that there is no scarcity and no disconnection. Recognize what is the fake ego narrative. Remember that you can trust in the order of the Universe.

The wave of emotion may be much smaller and shorter. Eventually, they won’t even crash over you, you will just watch them go by.

And you are unshakeable, and you can now move to different work.

Stay open.

xx Bella