Mike Rogers, former Republican representative from Michigan, had nothing but bad things to say about Trump after the 2020 election. Now that he’s running against Democratic nominee, Dr. Abdul El-Sayed for senate, Rogers loves everything about the Donald.

Rogers is just one of endless politicians readily willing to cast aside all principles in exchange for the Trump seal of approval.

Before you say, “Come on, people have always compromised their values,” ask yourself:

Did Carole King wonder for even one second, “Will you still love me tomorrow if you don’t find someone better?”

Did Herb Alpert ever say “This guy’s in love with you, at least until closing time”?

Would Stevie Wonder dare whisper, “I just called to say I love you. Ooops, hold on. I’ve got a call on my other line.”

When did the Captain and Tennille harmonize “Love will keep us together at least until Labor Day”?

And I, of course, have absolutely no recall of Ray Charles moaning “I can’t stop loving you, unless my wife takes me back.”

I’m not one of those “back in the good old days” guys, but I don’t remember a time when political expediency has become the number one go-to strategy.

I’d like to think people used to be more disciplined and truer to their word – and could be that way again. For now, we have a lazy president who has created a lazy electorate.

But it doesn’t mean we can’t dream about a political candidate who will look voters squarely in the eye and say, “I will never attempt to put more than 15 items in the express line.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

It’s been reported the Trump administration wants to rename Pennsylvania Station in New York City to, what else, Trump Station.

Are you tired of Trump naming and renaming everything after himself? I am, too. However, here are a few Trump-branded places, products and services I could live with.

• Donald J. Trump Solitary Confinement Suite

• Donald J. Trump Explosive Diarrhea

• Donald J. Trump Men’s Kankle Hosiery

• Donald J. Trump International Cockroach Hotel and Resort

• Donald J. Trump Institute of Erectile Dysfunction

• Donald J. Trump Nepotism Hall of Fame.

• Donald J. and Melania Trump Separate Bedroom Designs

• Donald J. Trump Out-of-Order Porta Potty

• Donald J. Trump Cognitive Test Tutoring

• Donald J. Trump’s all-time outdated and irrelevant music CD

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

While on vacation in Maine, I drove to meet an old friend and needed to use my phone’s GPS. It’s not my favorite traveling aide. I struggle with any device that installs updates more frequently than I blink.

While trying to get audio instructions, I spotted a new button and tapped it. Shazam! A cheerful voice spoke to me: “How can I help you?” Surprised, I blurted, “I want someone to talk to me!” “Okay, I can chat with you while you drive.” “No,” I said, “I just want vocal driving instructions.” He quickly disappeared and allowed the old Ms. Reliable GPS voice to take over. She guided me to my friend’s house with no problem.

Who decided we needed virtual traveling companions? I’m perfectly happy discussing politics with my fuel gauge. Why would I want to yak it up with an overly-friendly computer-generated voice that has no problem handing over our nation’s launch codes to the Russians or a thirteen-year-old kid?

Is this where the world is headed? I would like to think there are some conversations while driving that are beyond a chatbot’s capability. For example:

“For God sake, pull over and ask that man for directions!”

“Let’s sing another round of “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”

“Can’t you wait to use our guest’s bathroom?”

“Stop asking, ‘Are we almost there?’”

I’ve accepted the fact that chatbots are here to stay and will eventually rule the world with perfectly pleasant voices and absolute rational thinking. Still, I’d hate to think I’ll never again stew in my thoughts while feeling the excitement, anger and frustration of taking the wrong left turn and ending up on a dead-end road.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Thanks for sharing your wonderful vacation cottage with us. The sights, the sounds were relaxing and restorative. By the way: Did you know Big Foot lives in the woods behind the boat shed? He taught our son how to search for grub worms in exchange for the Wi-Fi password.

Looking forward to our next stay.

The Grayson family

July 9 – July 23

***********

We had a great time at your wonderful cottage. Caught 15 stripers on the first day! Thank you for your gracious hospitality. We hate to leave. Just a note: The grill’s propane tank is empty due mostly to Bigfoot’s raccoon roasts.

Can’t wait until next summer.

Tom and Gail Hannity

July 23 – August 6

**********

This is our 6th year at the cottage. We so enjoy this lovely, quiet spot. Perfect weather, wonderful friends and delicious food. Just curious, did you give Bigfoot permission to use the shower?

See you next year!

Harold, Sandi, Lisa, and Tony Collins

August 6 – August 11

**********

The cottage, as always, was heavenly. So peaceful and pleasurable! Biggest surprise this year: Finding Bigfoot rummaging through our garbage, growling, “This isn’t kosher.” Kind of jolting, but by the end of the week, Hershel (his actual name) had joined my online Talmud study group.

Wish we could stay longer,

Leo, Carol, George and Chaim Mandelson

August 11 – August 25

**********

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Has the destruction of “60 Minutes” by the Trump overlords got you down? One can only imagine Edward R. Murrow turning over in his grave while lighting another unfiltered Camel.

Fear not. New CBS’ News Decimater-in-Chief Bari Weiss has chosen to destroy the storied franchise; but her total lack of broadcast news experience will not prevent her from nurturing the next generation of news talent that cries out, “Does this job come with health benefits?

Before you jump on management for blowing the whole thing up, take a look at some of the exciting segments in store for “60 Minutes” next fall.

• Lesley Stahl talks to robotics engineer Curtis Fludely, inventor of a mechanical remedial student capable of staying after school for detention.

• Bill Whitaker investigates the moving and storage industry when he helps CBS News boss Bari Weiss and her wife Nellie Bowles move into a new condo. In 60 Minutes Overtime, consultant A.B. Powers explains how to pack dishes while Whitaker goes out for bagels and coffee.

• Jon Wertheim talks with former reality star and L.A. mayoral candidate Spencer Pratt about the challenges of maintaining an up-to-date Linked-in profile.

• New correspondent Tiffany Trump visits her father, President Trump, who describes plans for his new Trump restaurant to be built on top of the Washington Monument and staffed by former Hooters waitresses.

Meet our new correspondents.

• YouTuber Alex Rapensworth has 5 million followers who view daily videos of him checking his scalp for head lice.

• Cindy Coppleman is the celebrity nose job reporter for “CBS Mornings.” Previously, she was a celebrity liposuction intern at “Entertainment Tonight.”

• Rick Cummings who, while working as an investigative journalist at the Topeka Capital-Journal, met and married the chatbot who replaced him.

And finally, the “60 Minutes” ticking clock will be updated with its new team swirling down a drain.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Trump is furious a federal judge ordered that the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts remove Trump’s name from the building’s facade. And that’s just one no-no for which countless judges have admonished him, “No, no!”

Like most people, and by most people I mean everyone except those who sleep in their MAGA PJs, I’m shocked and depressed at the very thought our country is being run and ruined by a despicable and dopey despot.

At this point, I want to say, “But on the bright side…” Well, I’ll do my best.

On the bright side, there’s never been a better time to launch a franchise of soup kitchens. By this time next year, I also expect the longest line at most high school job fairs will be in front of the “Become a Hobo” booth.

Price of gas got you down? Don’t worry. King Tubby tells us “When the war ends, gas prices are going to tumble.” When will that happen? Keep your fingers crossed. The 950th cease fire is always the charm.

Aren’t you thrilled we’re finally doing something about our immigrant problem? Goodbye “I wonder if my waiter is a legal citizen.” And hello “We’ve been sitting here an hour! Where the hell is our waiter?”

Our great leader, who has golfed 111 days out of 488 days since returning to office, told son Don Jr. he was too busy to attend his wedding. Finally, a precedent for blowing off your next family bris.

I used to worry about my health – eating right, exercising, etc. Our First Patient has taught us the key to being fantastically fit: Find a doctor who will ignore exam results and say you’re in excellent condition, including chiseled swollen ankles and beautifully blotched skin.

I could go on and on about another building, government organization, or frozen yogurt stand that has been renamed the Trump something or other; but now that I’m sitting at my desk, surrounded by my newly named Ben pen, Ben mouse, Ben keyboard, I get it! I feel omnipotent!

And thank you, Ben Thesaurus.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Everywhere I point my ears, I hear F-bombs: F*ck you, F*ck me, F*ck this, F*ck that.

The F-word used to be reserved for locker room pleasantries and drunken family gatherings. Now it can be heard on TV shows, in political rantings and in wedding toasts.

We’ve gone from “Have a nice day” to “Have a F*ckn’ nice day.” Even when it’s bleeped you can read the speaker’s pixelated lips – not to mention a trembling middle finger begging to make an appearance.

I suppose it’s generational. When he was starting out in the bubble business, I can’t imagine young band leader Lawrence Welk counting off, “And a-one, and a-two, and a-f*cking three.”

Will the F-word ever again retain its shock value? If not, we’re going to need new terms the jolt and jar us. I have a few suggestions and their correct use:

• He’s nothing but a two-timing mothertrumper.

• Hey waiter, get your pickle balls over here, pronto!

• I like to grab ‘em by the Katman-definitely-du!

• You no like me? Then shove it inuendo!

• I’m talking to you, wanker doodle dandy!

• May the road rise to meet you with a sloppy French kiss.

• Drop the knife. You’re Snollygosting with the wrong man, bro!

• Say that to my face, you geriatric jock strap!

• Stop sloking your flibbergibbet and get to work!

• That girl dopplebanged her way to the top.

Do I think any of these tasteless tarts have what it takes to be our next go-to obscenity?

The F*ck if I know.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

The government’s first release of declassified files detailing UFOs has been anything but earth shattering – even though our unearthly president said there will be “things you wouldn’t believe.” For all we know, the UFOs he is referring to are Unidentified Flaming Orifices.

This is not to say I don’t believe there is intelligent or even semi-intelligent life beyond our planet. To the contrary. Not long after my Uncle Morris passed away, my Aunt Lila started dating a space alien. Needless to say, we were all shocked since it was barely after an appropriate period of mourning.

I know what you’re thinking: Dating a creature from another galaxy? Regardless of how you feel about a beloved spouse who has passed on, people desire and need companionship. When my family heard Aunt Lila was dating Fred (we’re fairly certain that wasn’t his original name), we kept our opinions to ourselves and were as cordial as possible.

We didn’t know anything about Fred until Aunt Lila showed up one Thanksgiving with him and her usual green bean casserole. We all had the same reaction: The beans look a bit under-cooked, and who’s the guy with the glow-in-the-dark fluorescent blue skin?

We learned later she had met Fred at a speed dating event. He had managed to zip through all of the available women before anyone had managed to remove their coats. An hour later they were sipping lattes at Starbucks.

Aunt Lila is not the easiest person to get along with. She was fortunate to meet anyone, regardless of what galaxy they were from. This is not to say we weren’t distracted by Fred’s three eyes and four ears. We liked him. He or it was nice. After dinner, he joined us in the family room to watch the Thanksgiving Day football games and didn’t pester us with a lot of questions about the difference between a field goal and an extra point.

Unlike our late Uncle Morris, Fred actually took an interest in our lives. Aunt Lila, on the other hand, loved being the center of attention. She would become moody and resentful when our focus was on Fred, especially when he entertained us with card tricks. (We later realized he always knew what card we were holding because he had x-ray vision.)

And unlike with Uncle Morris, we didn’t have to avoid talking about politics since Fred was apolitical – although we never broached the topic of extraterrestrial tariffs. Aunt Lila, as expected, wanted nothing more than to talk about herself. Fred, to his credit, didn’t mind.

Eventually, Aunt Lila and Fred stopped seeing each other. Things started to go south on an ocean cruise when Fred won a limbo contest. He had an unfair advantage since he didn’t have an inner skeleton. Everybody on the ship wanted to be best friends with the guy who could go so low. That was the last straw for my aunt.

We felt bad when we heard they’d broken up. He was the best thing that ever happened to her, but she said goodbye, logged on to Tinder and didn’t look back.

Fred kept in touch for a while until he stopped responding to our texts and emails. It was as if he disappeared off the face of the planet, which was a pretty good possibility.

It just goes to show there is life beyond the stars, although none of it may be able to please our Aunt Lila.

Update: After meeting and dating a seemingly endless bunch of losers (my aunt’s description, not ours), Aunt Lila is seeing someone or something she claims is another alien from Mars. She says, “This could be the one.” That could be, but he’s no Fred.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

I’ve written thousands of jokes. Mostly for late-night talk show hosts, comedians and other people who need something funny to say. I’ve never thought of myself as anything more than a gag man.

A number of years ago during a Massachusetts governors’ race, a friend who wrote for the Boston Herald recommended I be one of the paper’s four weekly political “pundits” to weigh in during the campaign.

My first reaction was, “Huh, me?” My area of expertise ranged from Cher’s plastic surgery operations to all things Michael Jackson. It seemed insane. So of course, I agreed to do it.

Each week, I along with a Democratic and Republican consultant and a Republican who had run and lost a few statewide races, opined on the Massachusetts governor’s race. The candidates were newcomer and eventual winner Deval Patrick, Lieutenant Governor Kerry Healey, and independent convenience store magnate Christy Mihos.

Each week our editor assigned a topic to discuss and debate. It was like being back in school. I didn’t even have to worry about bringing a bad report card home to my parents. I gave myself two goals: Be topical and be funny.

I think I succeeded. But the biggest surprise: Overnight I was transformed from joke writer Ben to political expert Ben. People started calling me for quotes. I received notes from candidate’s representatives. They wanted to discuss proposed policies and, I assumed, their positions on shaking voter’s hands and kissing babies. I was also invited to share my insights on radio talk shows.

In short, I became just like everyone else who expresses an opinion: I was now a so-called expert. I even submitted op-ed pieces, which to my amazement were published.

The more I tried to poke fun at the campaign and candidates, the more seriously I was taken. I don’t think it would’ve mattered if I ended each sentence with a rim shot or “BADA BOOM!”

I do not view myself as an expert at anything. I’ve never been able to program a coffee maker. I break into a cold sweat while attempting to find my home address using a GPS.

Why do we crave experts? It’s hard to find a newspaper article, social media post or political rant that’s not backed up by their opinions. How did we get so many? I’ve never heard a doctor say, “Folks, you’re now the proud parents of a six-pound senior analyst.”

Would it really matter if Yale Divinity School researcher Dr. Johannes Splinterbug’s recent study proved conclusively that people should have a nice day?

I’m no expert, but we have too many experts.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

According to a Fox News poll, “56% doubt the White House’s competence at managing the government.” And by “White House,” it’s referring, of course, to President Trump.

A breakdown of this figure presents a more nuanced presidential picture. Of this 56 percent:

• 58% say they would not trust Trump to drive their daughter to dance class.

• 62% feel Trump could not calculate a 20% tip on a dinner check.

• 73% do not believe Trump could pass a cognitive test without the correct answers printed on his hand.

• 52% believe Trump’s golf caddy’s primary job is to remind the president which end of the club to hold.

• 67% think Trump does not understand the concept of “I’ll have salad instead of fries.”

• 82% believe Trump chose his Secretary of Defense after saying, “In 30 words or less, spell ‘Hegseth.’”

• 53% believe the President would sleep longer in meetings if he were able to count more than five sheep.

• 72% have no doubt Melania is the smarter one.

• 59% believe President Trump didn’t intend to attack Iran, but had misspelled Ithica.

• 63% feel the President is too insecure to hire anyone who watches Jeopardy.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be an extrovert; to live each day with an insatiable need for social interaction; to speak before completing my thoughts; to feel comfortable in large groups of people regardless of their taste in music. And the most unfathomable thing of all: to make eye contact with total strangers in elevators.

A voice deep inside me – do introverts have any other kind? – needed to find out. I decided to temporarily live my life as an extrovert. I would change my personality to pass as a man with a gregarious nature and a reasonable number of friends.

To prepare, I needed to learn how extroverts think and what they feel. I concluded the best way to do that is sit near the hostess stand at a local Olive Garden restaurant. From this vantage point I observed outgoing people smiling, making eye contact, and greeting each other warmly. Some even talked to strangers, using phrases like, “Hi there” and “Have you eaten here before?”

I stayed until I became emotionally drained from repeatedly hearing, “Thanks, you have a nice day, too.” After finally arriving home, I threw myself on my futon and shared my day with the only one who truly understands me: my jade plant, Lucifer.

The day finally came for me to assume my identity as an extrovert. I woke early, showered, and chose my wardrobe. For the first time in years, I did not dress in black. And for the first time, I planned to leave my beret at home.

As was my normal routine, I ate breakfast while listening to “BBC News: Turkmenistan.” I finished my tea and turned the program off. My pulse quickened. Slowly, I stood up and prepared to leave the comfort and security of my 800-square-foot sanctuary, and head into the extrovert world.

Two hours later I reached the outside of my apartment. I locked the door and turned. Running straight towards me was an Amazon deliveryman winding up to heave a package on my front step. I took a deep breath, gathered my courage, and spoke: “Hey, how ya doin’? Thanks so much, buddy! Have a great day!”

I fell to my knees and crawled back into my apartment. It was worse than I thought.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

SUMMERTIME

Summertime and the living is the likes of which nobody has ever seen

Fish are jumpin’ and the cotton is higher than any cotton in history

Oh, your daddy’s rich, so rich he’s not going to know where to spend all that money, and your ma, she’s a world-class beauty

So stop crying you little baby, you have no credibility

**********

One of these mornings, Tuesday, Wednesday, whatever

You’re gonna wake up singing, like my close personal friend Al Jolson

And trust me, you’ll spread your wings like a super chicken

And unlike that poorly designed Hindenburg, you’ll fly like no other baby has flown

But until then

No one is gonna mess with you

With myself and my attorneys standing by

**********

Like I said before, Summertime and the living is the likes of which nobody has ever seen

Fish are jumpin’ even higher than in the first verse

Oh, your daddy’s rich, even richer than in the first verse, and my new wife is even hotter than the one in the first verse I divorced

So stop crying already, you’re embarrassing yourself.

**********

Oh don’t you cry

You didn’t hear me, don’t cry

I’m only going to say this one more time.

Will somebody please take this baby?

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Renowned filmmaker Ken Burns sits down with Myles to talk about his new 5-part, 10-hour documentary “The History of Hemorrhoids.” Also, series technical consultant Dr. Steve Larson, “Gastroenterologist to the PBS Stars.”

Megan Thee Stallion explains how she got her name, 28 equestrian jumping trophies and almost won the Kentucky Derby.

Tic Toc influencer Tina Berube reveals how she amassed 20 million followers who watch videos of her sleeping with a CPAP machine. She also previews her new music video, “I Gurgle for You.”

“Survivor 50” Recap Round Table: Sworn enemies Kelsey and Christine are caught naked behind a Naupaka bush exchanging saliva and LinkedIn profiles.

Famed photographer Jill Katzberg talks about how she’s used her latest coffee table book, “Great Plumber’s Butt Cracks of London” to launch her cheeky standup comedy tour.

Ronny Tangle, valet parker to the stars, denies accusations he left his body odor in Tom Hanks’ Toyota RAV4 Hybrid.

Consumer reporter Robin Ledock talks about great deals on eBay for slightly-used laundry hampers.

Theon Duggar, the only member of the 19-child Duggar Family who hasn’t been molested or arrested, discusses his new autobiography, “What Am I, Chopped Liver?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

A who’s who list of powerful and famous people with ties to serial killer Jack the Ripper, aka the Whitechapel Murderer, continues to grow. All have denied knowledge of his gory wrongdoings. Yet some of them maintained friendships with him, even after news of his grisly crimes.

Following the release of a series of letters that began: “Elementary, my dear Jack,” Sherlock Holmes author Arthur Conan Doyle expressed that he is “deeply ashamed” of his association with Mr. Ripper, calling it a “major error of judgement.” Mr. Doyle has denied witnessing any criminal behavior, stating, “He always seemed like a perfect gentleman while lugging prostitutes slung over his shoulder.”

Miss Florence Nightingale has publicly described her relationship with Jack the Ripper as a “huge mistake and, at best, totally regrettable.” “He did occasionally ask my opinion about disemboweling and disinfectant, but I didn’t put the two together.” She emphasized she never witnessed “inappropriate conduct.” Miss Nightingale now strongly regrets every minute spent with him, and “had I known of any wrongdoing, I would have taken immediate action.”

Lewis Carroll, author of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland,” said his time with Jack the Ripper “now seems like pure fantasy – and believe me, I know something about fantasy.” “I thought he was just a guy who could spin a good tale. In retrospect, I should have been curiouser and a hell of a lot more curiouser.”

The private secretary for Queen Victoria declined to comment on her communications with Jack the Ripper. However, he did quote the Queen: “My statement, ‘Jack is one of my dearest friends’ has been taken totally out of context.” The secretary added: “Her Majesty immediately cut off all communication with Mr. Ripper when she learned what he had been cutting off.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Dear Madison,

I recently met a girl online, and we agreed to meet at a local drinking establishment. It was a disaster from the start. She didn’t look anything like her profile picture, and she apparently didn’t read the part about me not being partial to Aryan Nation forehead tattoos. She droned on and on about people who drone on and on about people. She was rude to our server, and had to be restrained when she tried to send back her napkin. On top of everything else, her perfume smelled like Chanel No. No Way. Needless to say, I was counting the seconds until I could leave. Madison, why is it so hard to meet your ideal match, much less your somewhere-in-the-ballpark match?

Appalled in My Appetizer

Dear Appalled,

Why waste even a second attempting to stay engaged with your date from hell or even Hoboken when you can look inward and spend a lovely evening with the nicest and most fascinating person you know: yourself? Why listen to someone rant about how “all the good ones are married or have the wrong pronouns” when your mind could be drifting off to a tropical island or, at the very least, having a witty conversation with the alien you imagine slithering out of your date’s cleavage?

You will never meet anyone as sensitive to your needs, who understands you, who finds you more interesting than yourself. Take advantage of it. Enjoy your inner life. You deserve to be with a wonderful person like you. The next time your latest Tinder tootsie babbles on about, well, who knows what, figuratively close your eyes and whisper to yourself, “Let me tell you about my day.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

When I was a little kid, I went to the annual pet show at North Rehoboth Elementary School. I didn’t have a pet to bring. (Our dog Blackie thought pet shows were demeaning.) So, I found a large, clear, glass jar, filled it with sand and added a few ants. Within hours I was the proud blue-ribbon winner for “Smallest Pet.”

I was happy I won but not overly proud of my achievement. Even at a young age I knew it was a bit silly. Winning awards and prizes then and now have never excited me. I’ve never had a Sally Field “You like me...right now...you like me!” moment. There have, however, been times when I’ve had “Meh, way to go, me” moments.

My take-it-or-leave-it attitude about awards is also why I’ve never been excited about award shows. I loved writing jokes about them for late-night-comedy hosts. (Example: Once again, the Oscar for Best Special Effects went to Cher’s plastic surgeon.) The challenge was watching them and staying awake while winner after winner thanked their director, producer, and junior high school hygiene teacher.

I’m not the only one who isn’t wondering who Will Smith will slap at this year’s Academy Awards. TV ratings for award shows have been declining for years. At the rate they’re sinking they may eventually have fewer viewers than a closed-circuit camera in a Denny’s basement storeroom.

Here’s a thought: Why not give awards for things average people can relate to. Awards for:

• Having patience while waiting in a fast-food restaurant line while an annoying person in front of you changes their order 20 times

• Dealing with foreign phone solicitation scammers with unintelligible accents.

• Complimenting a host’s cooking even though you’re already thinking about heading to an emergency room to get your stomach pumped.

• Believably saying “No, it’s not out of my way” even though it was way out of your way.

• Being gracious on a Tinder meetup even though you could smell your date’s Old Spice cologne as his car pulled into the parking lot.

In conclusion, I’d like to thank Substack, my wireless provider and the electric company for allowing me the privilege of expressing my thoughts about awards. Also, my agent, my manager, my parents, and most of all my darling wife. Bless you all.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Q: Is it true you’re registering snow men and women to vote?

A: Only if they can prove they’ve lived in their yard for at least one day.

Q: When do you decide to inform the city of a snow emergency?

A: When we want residents to forget how we responded to the last snow emergency.

Q: When will my street be plowed.

A: Not to worry. My DPU chief has assured me that all impassible streets will not be an issue for the Fourth of July parade.

Q: What should I do if someone ignores my parking space saver, which has been clearly visible for the past three months?

A: You should never take the law into your own hands. If you have a neighbor who is a city employee, ask them to pummel the scoundrel.

Q: My Uber Eats delivery person was late while trying to free himself from a snow drift in my front yard. Am I obligated to give him a tip?

A: That depends. Did he cry for help or throw French fries at your window to get your attention?

Q: Can I drive in the Southeast Expressway carpool lane if I have a snowman sitting in my passenger seat?

A: Yes, but you can’t wave its carrot nose at other drivers as a substitute for your middle finger.

Q: I offered a kid three bucks to shovel my sidewalk. He laughed at me and pelted me with snowballs. Can I sue the city?

A: No, but if you provide me with his name, I will consider hiring him as a neighborhood liaison.

Q: I noticed my city councilor in a sleigh being pulled by eight paid personal assistants. Is that okay?

A: No, but be happy. The counselors originally wanted ten assistants.

Q: I heard the city has already spent its snow plowing budget. When did that happen?

A: Shortly before we started telling citizens to “Think really hard, and the snow will go away.”

Q: I read in the news the city is running low on salt. What are you doing about it?

A: That’s completely false. We just thought it would be a good time to experiment with lemon juice and balsamic vinegar.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Martin Lomasney, the legendary Boston political ward boss, is best known for saying:

“Never write if you can speak; never speak if you can nod; never nod if you can wink.”

So how did we get to: “Never write if you can post on X; never post on X if you can talk on your podcast; never talk on your podcast if you can share on YouTube; never share on You Tube if you can leak to CNN?

Starting in 1884, Lomasney served in state and city politics for over 40 years. He spent most of that time as Boston’s West End ward boss. Politics were simpler back then, and in some ways a lot shadier. Still, he understood the importance of keeping one’s mouth, fingers and gestures zipped.

Much of our current-day blabathon can be attributed to advances in technology. We’ve gone from “Keep it under your hat” to “This is just between you, me and my Instagram followers.”

Social media mania isn’t the only culprit.

Start at the top. We have a president with no filter when it comes to expressing what’s on his mind. His idea of keeping a secret is refusing to reveal how deep he dips his fries in ketchup.

On November 19, 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered his 272-word Gettysburg Address in two to three minutes.

On December 1, 2025, President Donald Trump, in a stream-of-conscious rant, posted and reposted on Truth Social 168 times over a span of about five hours.

At this rate, his next State of the Union address will include a few shreds of economic policy and three hours of revealing secret plans for the new Trump-Washington Monument Flaming Grill and Buffet.

The identity of “Deep Throat,” the main informant in the 1972 Watergate scandal, was secret for 33 years until it was revealed to be former FBI Associate Director W. Mark Felt. If the break-in had occurred five minutes ago, Deep Throat would already be uploading videos to his TikTok page.

The TV game show I’ve Got a Secret ran on CBS from 1952 until 1967, then revived in syndication on and off until 2006. The object of the game was simple: a celebrity panel would try to determine a guest’s occupation. Today, the only secrets guests would keep secret is their Facebook password.

If Martin Lomasney were around today, I can only imagine what he would think about our “speak first, think later” society. But I am certain of one thing: if he had a social media account, it would display only one message: “No posts yet.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

As a test, I asked each of my Facebook friends to give me a ride to the airport. I’m still waiting for a response.

This leads me to ask: Are they really my friends?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m thankful my followers don’t follow me when I leave the house. Still, if I were in dire need of help, I’d like to think they’d do more than type, “We’re pulling for you! sad emoji.”

I was amazed when I started using social media. “Wow, I have so many friends!” I immediately created a birthday gift registry.

I was so impressed that old classmates I barely knew wanted to be my Facebook friend. This will be my chance to start over. Maybe even go to the junior prom.

I now suspect social media friends are not the same as regular friends. Would they even know my birthday if they didn’t receive a reminder message? (I’m talking about you, Neal Grafton who, for the life of me, I can’t remember from anywhere.)

Yes, you can never have enough friends – especially when you need help lifting a heavy sofa bed up a narrow flight of stairs. If you were choking on a chicken sandwich, wouldn’t you want a friend to do more than type “I’m praying for you”?

But would I like to have close, personal relationships with 3,000 Facebook friends? That’s a lot of people to comfort after their spouses have run off with their pickle ball instructor. I don’t want to lay awake at night wondering if one of the Debbies or Dicks will call with another complaint about another Debbie or Dick.

It’s not that I only want perfect friends. Although, I now better understand the appeal of having AI friends and lovers. You can always count on them as long as you have a wireless connection. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone who always tells you what you want to hear – without an uneasiness that implies, “Maybe we should start seeing other AI companions.”

So, I will stick with my close circle of family and friends in the flesh. But I will also value those countless others whose identity I’m vaguely familiar with – especially the ones who, for no particular reason, tell me: “YOU ROCK!!!” I will, however, not drive them to the airport.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Have you considered becoming an advice columnist, but then thought, “How could I think of solutions to readers’ never-ending problems?” Fear not. Here are some answers that cover just about everything.

• You need to get into counseling.

• Maintaining a long-distance relationship requires extra effort. If you can’t afford airline tickets, consider flying as freight.

• It may never be easy for her to accept you dressing as a woman. Try meeting her half way; go with a more butch look.

• Your dog needs to relax. Try rubbing his belly.

• Your husband needs to relax. Try rubbing his belly.

• Sending a wedding gift is not necessary if the bride’s family deported you to Guatemala.

• You really need to get some more counseling.

• It’s unreasonable to ask your wife to remove tattoos of her old boyfriends’ names – especially if she took the time to list them in alphabetical order.

• You’ll never have peace in your house as long as your mother-in-law is living with you. Have you considered moving her into a tastefully decorated storage facility?

• Being a bad cook is no excuse for ending a relationship. Insisting you buy your own stomach pump is.

• You are not responsible for other people’s life decisions, even if you were driving the getaway car.

• If your 88-year-old husband won’t stop chasing women, put a Denver boot on his wheel chair.

• It’s never too late to find love and companionship. In fact, many people have found rich and rewarding lives with inflatable soulmates.

• Unfortunately, in this superficial day and age, there are people who can’t get past a sudden 600-pound weight gain.

• You most definitely need to get even more counseling.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”