Spoilers ahead for both Alice and Steve & Rivals

Alice and Steve are best friends in their fifties. They’ve been friends for many years and even dated back in the day, but that doesn’t stop Steve from shagging Alice’s twenty-six-year-old daughter, Izzy.

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I reckon making her just over twenty-five was an intentional choice, as it’s a widely believed pop-culture meme that your pre-frontal cortex doesn’t fully develop until then, implying that Izzy was responsible for her decisions and can’t blame it on her pre-adult brain lol.

My first bone to pick with this series is the serious lack of chemistry between Steve and Izzy.

In ep 1, Alice and Steve are on a night out. Steve is recently divorced and down in the dumps. Alice says that “any woman would be lucky” to have him and proceeds to set him up with a young woman she just met at the bar. He chats to her but concludes that they have nothing in common.

Fast forward to Steve and Izzy hitting it off. All it takes is for them to bond over their favourite dish, Spaghetti Vongole, hating the cold, and Izzy knowing Steve’s favourite song, ‘Blue Skies’ by Willie Nelson (#shesnotlikeothergirls), for them to both think they’re bloody star-crossed lovers. The bar is pretty-fucking low.

I’ve got to admit, I had relatively low expectations for Steve when a twenty-six-year-old was dangled in front of him (Izzy comes on to him quite strongly when she hears he’s now single and staying on her mum’s sofa). I’m by no means justifying it; I’m merely saying I was hardly surprised.

Perhaps after Rivals’ huge success, Disney+ thought the viewers want more age-gap romances. But Rupert and Taggie’s age-gap romance worked for a couple of reasons:

1. It’s a slow burn that leaves the audience wanting more. Whereas Steve and Alice have hooked up by episode 1.

2. The Rutshire Chronicles (the book series Rivals is based on) has a huge fan base who root for the characters and ultimately know that Rupert and Taggie end up together in the end.

3. Rupert and Taggie have fantastic chemistry, imo. Steve and Izzy were slapdash and icky. Did they even do a chemistry read?

This show is ultimately about selfish people.

Steve ruined his long-term friendship with his best friend by getting with her daughter. Plus, he was there the whole time she was growing up e.g. family holidays. He insists it’s a new attraction and he’s not a paedo, but ew.

Izzy backstabbed her mum by getting with her best friend and not caring about it ruining their friendship. Her relationship with her mum wasn’t even a bad one, so it really made no sense that she’d hurt her mum that badly.

Alice takes her husband for granted and is an incredibly selfish partner. (Too long to get into this secondary plot). I’d like to add that I’m on Alice’s side. Her best friend went behind her back and slept with her daughter. (They continue the relationship throughout btw). She’s been betrayed by both of them and expected to just get on with it and accept it. Nope. Nicole Walker was by far the best part of this series. She portrayed her character’s rage and vengeance brilliantly.

I wish they’d made this show more silly. Don’t bother trying to make us believe Steve and Izzy’s romance because you failed anyway. It was a waste of time.

They could have leaned into the ridiculousness of it: a fifty-year-old excited he gets to shag a twenty-something, a twenty-something fresh from a broken heart. Both doing something crazy and destructive. It would have made sense for Steve and Izzy to lean into their relationship more: the more they piss off Alice because they’re clearly selfish people and the damage is done now, might as well get pregnant and married to top it off.

I also wish they’d focus more on the friendship between Alice and Steve. They genuinely made me laugh out loud numerous times. I’ll give the show this: it does have some great one-liners. My favourite ep was the first one where we see their friendship. I loved seeing fifty year olds on screen being silly, going on a night-out, and an older friendship between a man and a woman that doesn’t lead to a romance. We don’t have enough of that on the telly. I think their friendship being the focus and the mischief they get up to would have been a better focus for the show rather than it being a ‘Wrong-Com’.

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Let’s talk about alternative endings. The ending was crap - Alice and Steve jumping into the abyss from the burning building. Do they survive? It was very Die Hard. No tying up the plot. Please, god, don’t give us another season to find out. I’ve got three better endings to imagine for you.

1. Steve dies. Goodbye Steve, you selfish, horny man. I’m sure the audience would appreciate your character’s death.

2. Alice and Steve die. Besties till the end. Both as bad as each other.

3. Izzy runs off with Yannis, her ex-boyfriend (which is implied but make it explicit). Alice and Steve resume being best friends, and everything returns to normal. I’d like it if they went back to doing the things they usually did together, like partying and being pricks. But I’m a sucker for a circular ending.

How do you think it should have ended?

What were your thoughts on Alice and Steve?

~ Big Clit Energy

This is a love letter to you both. Cat and Abigail.

Babygirls is the name of our WhatsApp group chat. It’s been through a couple of variations including ‘Holding space for Luigi Mangione’, which is both a Wicked and heartthrob murderer reference, but Babygirls fits the best.

Whenever there was a drama about being left out at school my mum would tell me not to worry because ‘three’s a crowd’, and I held on to that wanting my mum’s advice to be gospel. Perhaps it was when I had my first threesome that blew my mind that I decided to throw that piece of wisdom out the window. Dynamics of three can be great, especially threesome friendships.

I met Cat first at ENM Fam (a social meet-up for non-monogamous folk). It was a warm Summer’s evening in a pub garden in Lewisham when her partner introduced her (as we already knew each other), he described her as a Norwegian stereotype who loves cold swimming. I also love cold swimming so he thought we’d get on great. He was right.

Cat and I got chatting and I said how I wanted to cycle around London but I was scared of the cars. She immediately offered to take me out cycling around the city so I could get more confident. It was exactly what I needed and I thought an incredibly kind offer. That was nearly two years ago and we’ve both been lime-biking to each other’s houses ever since.

Abigail, on the other hand, is deathly afraid of lime bikes and we don’t judge her for it. She has a little tin car that she zooms around and only occasionally worries about being blown away on the motorway.

We met a couple of months later at the LGBTQ+ swim group Queer Swim. It was a mild November morning at Parliament Hill Lido, there were only a handful of people, mostly strangers, who turned up including Abigail. My first thought was that she was really cool and brave for turning up alone. I wanted to do that more. Our friendship was much more of a slow burn - the most romantic way to start imo. It was a friendship I didn’t see coming and one I’d be deeply sad to leave without.

I don’t know when these individual friendships became this triad bonus dynamic. I remember Cat and Abigail met at Queer Swim but then bumped into each other at an unrelated event and their friendship bloomed. I love that we also each have our own individual friendships.

It’s only been a few months of this three-way but I’ve loved the group sleepovers, creative projects, swimming, trip to Margate, plus all the sharing and support in the group chat because, honestly, who can afford therapy in this economy?

A large factor contributing to why I think our friendship works so well is because we largely understand each other’s experiences.

There are eleven years between myself and Cat with Abigail in the middle so we’re not even the same generation. And we’ve grown up having different life experiences. Yet, we have lots of important overlaps that connect us including queerness, openness about sex, polyamory, and all being creatives that help us to understand each other’s experiences, particularly in how we move through the world right now.

It was feeling seen by you both which inspired the idea for The Digital Love Letters Project.

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I’d just let my friend’s Airbnb guests out of his flat. I closed the door, sat down on his sofa, and started to cry.

It’s a strange thing, crying alone in someone else’s home. I had a fleeting, silly thought that my friend might be watching me through hidden cameras and felt uncomfortable that someone could be witnessing my crying. But I knew who would get it, the Babygirls.

After some satisfying sobs, I text the WhatsApp group chat about the scenario. They responded quickly by validating my feelings and made me feel comforted, less silly for all the tears and not alone.

My sadness turned into an overwhelming wave of gratitude for my friends who I feel deeply seen by. I feel incredibly blessed that I have so many amazing people in my life who I love and I just want to tell them all.

And that’s where the idea for The Digital Love Letters Project was born - crying in my friend’s flat.

Cat is beautiful, caring, incredibly non-judgemental, a safe space, a rock for polyamorous support, a creative genius, fun, and a true joy.

Abigail is gorgeous, seriously thoughtful, kind, witty, charming and fun, she has the cutest laugh and gives the best cuddles that you don’t want to pull away from.

There’s a part of me that really doesn’t want to declare my love so openly to my friends, to have it on the internet forever. The paranoid part of my brain worries: ‘What if we have a fallout or drift apart then I’ll be embarrassed to have posted this’. But the other part of me thinks it’s a beautiful thing to capture those feelings of love, tenderly write them out for the internet to read, and remember how I felt at this point in my life.

This is where you, the reader, come in!

I want this to be a project that’s a lot bigger than me.

I want people to share their digital love letters on the new Substack I’ve set up to express their love, gratitude, and connection and to inspire each other.

Anyone can submit a pitch to The Digital Love Letters Project’s DMs. See the guidelines here.

As for the Babygirls, I am so incredibly grateful for you both, individually and collectively. You’ve supported me in hard moments and it’s an honour to do the same for you. I can’t wait for future trips, hugs, swims, creating together, and just being ourselves with one another. I love you both a lot.

~ Nicole xxx

P.S. Leave in the comments those friends you feel you can be 100% yourself with

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I was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start on this ‘healing journey’ when I saw a flyer stuck to a traffic light pole advertising a women’s circle in the woods nearby. I’d never been to one before and, considering how I was feeling, I took it as a sign I was supposed to go.

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If, like past me, you don’t know what a women’s circle entails, let me explain: unsurprisingly women sit in a circle and share with each other anything that’s on their chest. Often there’s meditating, humming, and drinking of cacao.

I enjoyed myself and I went a second time but upon reflection, they didn’t feel like my sort of people; I didn’t feel like I could be my authentic self in the sharing circle without feeling slightly judged. I did, however, get a recommendation for a women’s retreat in Montenegro. My thought at the time was, ‘Well, that’s exactly what I need next on my healing journey!’ So I booked a spot on the retreat for September.

I was so excited when the retreat came around that I would finally have the time specifically dedicated to get some healing ‘done’.

Upon arrival, my first impression of the retreat location was that it was stunning. The accommodation was situated up in the hills surrounded by greenery and it looked down onto the ocean, which was only a 15-minute walk away.

In the evening, we had our first workshop of ‘soul gazing’. Soul gazing involves sitting opposite someone and staring into their eyes. We did this for ten whole minutes with a stranger!

I was paired with a German woman (90% of the participants were German). She was about my mum’s age. We stared into each other’s eyes and I just couldn't stop laughing. I was the only one. Everyone else was taking it seriously (except my partner who I was also making laugh, whoops!) I wondered if it was because I was the only British person and we’re generally not known for taking part in group activities in earnest. Regardless, this was not my cup of tea to get to know someone. I’d been forced outside of my comfort zone quicker than I’d expected and I was seriously judging how much I was going to enjoy my stay here.

Still, a new day meant a fresh start and the next workshop was on ‘womb health’. Fantastic, I thought, right up my street!

The facilitator leading the workshop was a ‘womb healer’. She spoke to us about tracking our cycles according to the moon, which seemed like a fun and whimsical idea but, since I was on the pill, and not tracking a ‘natural’ cycle, it couldn’t apply to me. The pill, we were told, is very bad for you. I know the contraceptive pill gets a lot of hate - let’s not get into the ins and outs of it - and I could expect this opinion from a women’s retreat since it’s not ‘natural’. But their advice kept getting worse.

According to them, free bleeding is the best option during our periods. Ideally, we should try it on the rocks by the ocean while we’re here like the retreat facilitators do (yep, very accessible for when we return to our lives back home).

Next up was the advice of: don’t have sex on our periods (some casual period/slut-shaming here).

And finally, the nail in the coffin, don’t use menstrual cups because of the risk of vaginal prolapse. There’s a very small risk of this happening if it’s not being inserted correctly but by the scaremongering way she explained it, she automatically deterred a room full of women from using a good and sustainable period product option.

I had conflicting feelings in the workshop because the ‘womb healer’ was passing down her knowledge from her Mayan ancestors. Of course, I wanted to understand and be respectful of this, but at the same time – being someone with a background in sexual health and education – I felt like the information wasn’t empowering.

My overall take was that the facilitators came across like they knew a better ‘way’ of life than the retreat-goers and they wanted to share it to inspire us. However, it’s hard to be inspired when I felt they’d lost their credibility on day two.

My saving grace on the retreat was my roommate. Ironically, she was a yoga retreat facilitator herself and had joined to do some research. And, because she’d been to a dozen retreats before, she wasn’t bothered about attending every workshop, and we bunked off to the beach most days instead.

We had long chats about life and love, naked in the cosy two-person sauna or in our single twin beds when we’d turned the lights off.

I didn’t gain very much from the retreat itself, apart from having a relaxing time in a beautiful location. But connecting with my roommate reminded me of the power of vulnerability when it comes to healing — something I didn’t feel capable of doing with the women and facilitators at the retreat or the women’s circle.

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So, what else did I learn from the retreat?

You don’t need to spend a lot of money in order to heal

A difficult lesson for my bank account. You really do not need a retreat to heal yourself.

In recent years, the wellness industry has grown massively as we all seek to ‘better’ ourselves — improve our sleep, our love life, our health, etc. It’s pushed a narrative onto consumers that ‘wellness’ should take the form of retreats, crystals, ‘spiritual gurus’ selling courses, and other capitalistic versions of self-care; painting the picture that healing is ultimately something that needs to be brought. I’m not saying these things can’t be helpful but are they necessary?

You can’t get healing ‘out of the way’

Again, I was naive with this one and thought that going on a retreat would magically ‘fix’ me and I could set the time aside to ‘heal’. But now I know, often, healing can be a long process, part of everyday life, and there’s rarely ever a set end date to being ‘healed’.

The importance of finding my people

The retreat and attending the women’s circle made me realise I need to find ‘my people’. My mum always banged on about this when I was a teenager but turns out she was right. They weren’t my people and I only have about three friends from school I’m still friends with.

I think I had an expectation that people who go to women’s circles and retreats, who I considered to be “spiritual people”, would be more open-minded and less judgmental than they were in my experience. I’d like to add that I did meet some genuinely lovely people but we didn’t connect on a deeper level. Unknowingly, I was trying to find people I could be vulnerable with, who can hold space for you and listen without judgement and to be able to do the same for others too.

I’ve spent a lot of time in the past year finding these people who I feel I can best connect with. I wrote another Substack on where to find the queer, poly, kinky people in London here. It’s in these friendships that I’ve found deep connections and moments of healing.

So, that retreat might not heal you, but the power of vulnerability and connection might help.

(I know therapy is important too but it didn’t feel like what I needed in this instance).

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What has healing looked like for you?

Has friendship or any connections in your life played a part in your healing journeys?

~ Big Clit Energy xxx

Quick ‘Dirty weekend’ history lesson:

Over the last century, Brighton became known as the place for illicit affairs and discrete romantic escapades. This might be in part thanks to the Prince Regent (later King George IV) who famously took secret lovers to Brighton in the 18th and 19th centuries. His extravagant lifestyle and the construction of the Royal Pavilion helped to establish Brighton’s reputation as a fashionable getaway for lovers.

In this day and age, I’m living a not-so-secret life of depravity and proudly posting a reel on Instagram frolicking about in a sex dungeon.

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The Brighton Dungeon is the perfect kinky night away. Not only does it have the obvious, in the name, dungeon, but it also has a sexy bedroom for a sleepover so you can fuck the night away.

The dungeon is full of equipment including a fucking machine, spanking bench, suspension hoist, cage, and many many impact tools, hoods, sex toys, and dildos (alien ones and all).

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Upstairs is the bedroom. It’s exactly what you’d picture when imagining a sexy dungeon bedroom. Think black satin bedsheets for slipping and sliding. (It’s personally a sensory ick of mine but we won’t yuck other people’s yum). Black carpets, red and gold walls, and another St. Andrew’s Cross because you can never have enough opportunities to be flogged whilst chained to religious paraphernalia.

I love how both rooms were virtually devoid of natural light as it added a feeling of being suspended in time to enjoy the sexy moments shared together. But by far the best part is the mirror above the bed. You can get the BEST angles and you can see everrrything. It’s a novelty and I think it fits perfectly in this overnight stay aimed at kinky lovers.

To top it off, it’s a two minute walk to the beach. Perfect for inhaling some fresh air post-dungeon sex.

You can find their website here and their socials here.

Thank you to the Brighton Dungeon for my kinky stay!

Leave a comment if you go or if you have any other suggestions for a Dirty Weekend getaway.

~ Big Clit Energy xxx

I’m using ‘sex parties’ as a catch-all term for parties where you can have sex. A better explanation would be sex-positive raving spaces (a club night focused on consent) with playrooms (spaces dedicated to sex and BDSM). They all have rules and dress codes which you’ll need to adhere to on the door. I recommend reading my Substack on ‘How to Stay Safe at a Kink Night’ as a good starting point.

A common misconception about sex parties is that people go for the purpose of having sex, but actually, lots of people go to enjoy the music, make friends, flirt, and sex isn’t always the focus of the night. Most of these sex parties also have social mixers where there’s no sex allowed, so you can get to know people before attending an event, which I would recommend checking out.

So, let’s start!

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Joyride - ‘A queer party with your freaky friends’

Location: Corsica Studios

Music: Electronic, Techno, House, Dance

One of the joys of Joyride is that it’s held in one of the smaller venues, Corsica Studios, making it one of the smaller queer and kinky raves. It means you end up seeing the same people throughout the night which I think makes it a good one for going solo and meeting people. They also hold occasional socials which include workshops, stalls, performances and tattoos. In December, they made their debut in Dublin!

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Quench - ‘Queer rave and play party for thirsty freaks’

Location: no set venue

Music: Dancehall, Afrobeats, R&B, House, Amapiano, (anything but techno)

Another queer, kinky and, colourful rave, which plays anything but techno music for all the techno haters out there. Quench usually has a theme. Past themes have included; neon, Star Wars, and an ‘uncivil ceremony’ - a fake wedding between the non-monogamous queers. They also hold adhoc socials including their annual PotLuck in Clissold Park.

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Klub Verboten - ‘A fetish play party and rave’

Location: no set venue

Music: Techno

Think heavy techno music and Berlin vibes. The dress code guidelines are latex, leather, chains, PVC, and most people wear black. It’s the most BDSM and fetish-focused crowd out of all of the parties listed and has been going on for eight years. They have a membership which gets you into a members-only playroom, but there is also a playroom accessible to everyone. Klub Verboten is also known for its weeknight socials which, unlike other social events, have a playroom if you fancy getting kinky on a Wednesday night.

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Riot - ‘POC & Sex Worker Led Queer Rave’

Location: Electrowerks in London, Manchester, Bristol

Music: Multi-genre including; Dance, House, Dancehall, Afrobeats, R&B

Riot is known for having performances and workshops throughout the night. Think life drawing, erotic writing workshops, queer independent market stalls, pole performances, and smashing cake on butts. They also hold adhoc socials and events. In December, they hosted “Whore Cinema”, a sex worker film festival, alongside a panel talk platforming trans voices. Riot is queer, colourful, kinky, and POC and sex worker led.

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Pinky Promise - ‘We Create Playful Worlds for Soulful Intimacy’

Location: Electrowerks in London, Berlin

Music: Multi-genre including; Dance, House, Afrobeats, Fusion

Pinky Promise is perhaps best known its extravagantly dressed party-goers and decorations, the PP team really go all out. Each time there’s a theme. The last one was ‘Intergaltic Gasm’, interpret that how you will. They have workshops which run throughout the night, upcoming ones include; ‘sensual blind date’, ‘flirting with the senses’, and ‘bedroom bondage’. They also have Pinky Promise the festival being held in Germany this July.

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As you can tell, all of these parties have a different vibe so it’s worth checking them all out to find which ones are your favourites!

Here are a couple of sex parties I haven’t been to before but absolutely deserve a shout-out:

One Night - ‘A London-based space exclusively for women and non-binary people to explore their femininity’. To my understanding, sometimes they host smaller parties that are playroom-only focused, and other times they hold events with dance floors, often collaborating with other sex party events. You need to be vetted for this one.

Unscene - to my understanding, it’s a playroom-only event without a dance floor space. You need to be vetted for this one too.

Unruly - ‘a place for fat-bodied people in the kink scene’. Unruly is a mixture of sex parties, socials, workshops, events, and conversations.

Leave a comment if you try out any of these parties, share your current favourites, or any that aren’t on this list. I’m also open to comments that want to describe parties differently from the way I have. The more information the merrier!

~ Big Clit Energy xxx

But why date ideas that aren’t drinks?

In my opinion, going for ‘drinks’ is just a bit boring. However, sometimes it can be a good call for a first date, especially if it’s from a dating app, as you don’t know each other. It’s less pressure than planning an activity date, but generally, I tend to do something I’d enjoy regardless of being on a date.

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On that note, our first suggestion is…

1. Sauna and cold plunge

It’s hot and sweaty and you’re almost naked - the perfect foreplay. If you want to make it less sexy just pop on a sauna hat!!

I love the Community Sauna Baths in Hackney Wick. I had my first date there with my partner, where we got papped in the cold plunge and put on their website lol.

At the one I’ve been to, they have several different saunas, some big, some small, and some made out of old horse boxes. There are multiple cold plunges, sauna hats dotted around the joint, and the occasional ad hoc Aufguss.

They also hold lots of different events such as trans and non-binary exclusive nights, sauna sessions specifically for mums and a bi-annual sauna festival. Check them out.

For the East and South sluts, there are now four different locations: Hackney, Stratford, Bermondsey and Peckham.

Another great sauna date spot overlooking the East London skyline is Rooftop Saunas at Netil360. It’s more expensive especially during peak hours, (when you’d probably want to go on a date), but you do get a private sauna. There are cold plunge pools, bucket waterfalls and a rooftop bar. On the ground, next door is Mare Street Market where you could grab a bite to eat after.

2. Sex Worker Cabaret

I haven’t actually been on a date here but each time I’ve been, I’ve thought it would make a great date. Please make sure your date isn’t anti-sex work before taking them here though and just in general, full stop.

Voted ‘Event of the Year’ by the Sexual Freedom Awards, Sexquisite is a sex worker cabaret often featuring pole dancing, strip teases, poetry, and musical performances. It’s not just all pop songs and popping pussies though, there’s radical art performances about the lived experiences of sex workers too. You can find out more about the event and the people behind it here in this article I wrote.

3. Arcade

OK, this one probably isn’t new but I feel like you can’t go wrong with an arcade date. There’s so much to do: air hockey, basketball, pool, dance machines, bowling, claw machines, and don’t forget the penny coin pushers. It’s so much better than sitting across from one another having a drink and having to make eye contact for hours, just me? At an arcade, you can walk around and there’s the added flirting opportunity to get competitive with one another.

I talk the big talk about arcade dates but I’ve actually only been to Rowan’s in Finsbury Park which, I won’t sugar coat, it’s a bit run down but does the job. A past date has recommended Fairgame in Canary Wharf and Gravity in Wandsworth.

4. Board Game Cafe

This is a classic non-monogamous person date location, that or you’re a nerd, or both. It’s a good activity date, you can go there during the day or in the evening so it’s versatile, and if you play Monopoly, you might see your date at their worst but at least it’s a good indicator of whether or not you’d like a second date.

They also do food and drink alongside the board games. I would recommend booking rather than turning up as it can get busy during peak times. I’ve been to the Draughts in Waterloo but there’s one in Hackney too.

The Perfect Date

My tip for thinking of a great date idea is to find a common interest that you’ll both enjoy. So, if that’s going to the cinema (a well known ‘bad’ date because you can’t talk to each other), do that! If you’re both excited to see the film, odds are you’ll have a good time, and you can always chat after. Don’t get caught up in trying to plan the ‘perfect date’ and go with what you both enjoy. That way even if it’s a ‘bad’ date you’ll hopefully still have had an enjoyable time.

Some honourable mentions that didn’t make the final cut include:

• Crazy golf/ driving range

• Exhibitions

• Life drawing

• Roller skating/ ice skating

• Bouldering/ rock climbing

• Trampolining

• Pottery painting

• Kew Gardens

• Winter walks around London - I think I might write a list of walks in another Substack!

Let me know your best date ideas in the comments.

~ Big Clit Energy xxx

Being put off having kids

Then, when I was 18, my niece was born and as horrible as this sounds, it put me off having kids. Not my darling baby niece – I completely fell in love with her – but it was witnessing my sister deal with a shit partner/dad and then become a single mum that did it. I also got to live with my niece for the first year of her life and saw how hard having a baby can be.

Then there was my mum, who also essentially raised me and my siblings as a single parent when my parents got divorced. Even though my dad was there, he didn’t pull his weight in the parenthood department.

I realised I’d grown up with no examples of loving relationships and I became scared to repeat what I’d witnessed growing up; marrying a man, having children together, him not pulling his weight and consequently being miserable.

So, I told everyone I didn’t want kids.

It was only when I started exploring polyamory that I started to rethink the kids thing.

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How polyamory changed my perspective

In my first poly relationship a couple of years ago, my ex was very clear about the future he saw for us: buying a house together, living together, having children together, and being each other’s primary partners. In my eyes, this didn’t seem any different from the first nuclear family structure, except we could have other secondary partners. This was never going to work for me (I spoke about why I wasn’t onboard with the hierarchical relationship structure in another Substack post).

In my current poly relationship, my partner doesn’t want kids and I’m ok with that. In fact, it’s surprisingly helped me think of alternative ways to the nuclear family structure to have children, if that’s what I decide to do.

It got me reflecting on how much I simultaneously value our relationship and want children, and how both of those desires can exist and happen together but separately from my partner because we’re polyamorous. 

I’ve also thought about how much I value and enjoy romantic and sexual relationships and how difficult it seems to maintain that with someone you choose to have a child with. Of course, it can be done, but it seems like so many couples lose sex and romance to parenthood and don’t have time for it. Obviously these things slip down a list of priorities when you have children. So usually, it doesn't feel like sex and romance go hand and hand in parenthood. But what if I want to have it all?

Alternative child-raising family structures

What if I have a child with someone or multiple people who are as invested as me in raising kids, regardless of if we have a romantic connection? And what could this actually look like?

Option one: Two people or a group of queer/ poly friends raising children together. Maybe we all live together. Maybe we don’t and the child goes back and forth between the parents. Is that so different from divorced parents? We’d arguably be more committed to the co-parenting part as it was a conscious choice from the beginning.

Shout out to my friend Frankie, who gave me this suggestion one day as we were contemplating how we were going to have children as poly people. There’s still lots of things I have and haven’t yet considered about this option which would be difficult but no one’s ever said raising children is easy.

Option two: I’m also still not ruling out the potential to meet another person, have a romantic connection with them and have children together if they’re committed to parenthood.

This might sound the same as the structure my ex proposed but the key difference being maintaining a non-hierarchical relationship structure, which is obviously more difficult with built-in hierarchies like having children together, but I feel like that could be discussed in a whole other Substack piece.

Although I’m keeping open to that possibility, it honestly just feels more unlikely.

Most poly and queer people I meet don’t want children

I haven’t done research into why this is yet but after chats with my queer and poly friends, possible factors for not wanting children could include family trauma, queer trauma, lack of representation, lack of acceptance, and going against the grain in this world built for the mono/hetero people. 

So, to find a queer and poly person who wants kids and I have a romantic connection with seems a bit like trying to find ‘the one’. It feels like I’d be expecting a lot of desires to be met in one person when it might take multiple people to meet them.

Polyamory forced me to think about rewriting the script of what I thought a family had to look like

My shift to polyamory from monogamy was the catalyst for rethinking wanting children. I now know that I can rewrite the nuclear family script: get married, buy a house, have 2.5 kids.  

My script might look a little more like still being with my wonderful partner, find another wonderful partner who wants kids and make babies (somehow), or find a friend/s who wants to have children and raise them together and make babies (somehow).

I think the most important shift in perspective for me is knowing that there’s not one way to have a family whether you’re polyamorous or monogamous. (You can certainly also choose your family and don’t have to go down any baby making route). Knowing that you can choose the structure and roles in parenthood to what fits you, your relationship and children, instead of falling into a prescribed way of doing things makes the kids thing feel like an exciting possibility.

If anyone is looking for a supportive community for LGBTQ+ parents, pregnant people and kin in London, then you should check out the Kinhood Collective. (I’m still yet to go along to one of their meet-ups but give them a search for yourself).

And, if you’re polyamorous and want to have children or already do, I’d love to hear from you in the comments. I can’t find you guys anywhere!

~ Big Clit Energy xxx 

How I ended up finding the relationship structure that suits me

A couple of years ago, I got into my first non-monogamous relationship. We met at a mutual friend’s birthday party and having both never explored polyamory before, we bonded over wanting our next relationships to be poly.

At the time, I didn’t know there were so many different relationship structures. So, whilst we both went into the relationship calling ourselves polyamorous, we actually wanted different versions of polyamory.

My partner wanted a hierarchical relationship structure where we’d both be primary partners to each other. I, on the other hand, wanted a non-hierarchical relationship structure (or egalitarian polyamory). 

I’ve thought a lot about how I came to this decision and I guess it came down to two things. 1) I realised the things I didn’t want, 2) I knew I wanted the potential for other romantic connections to blossom without feeling like there was a ‘ceiling’ to my relationships.

How I realised the things I didn’t want

Over the course of our relationship, I dated two people with different relationship structures: one was a relationship anarchist and the other had a primary partner and they lived together. Dating each of them made me realise that I didn’t resonate with either relationship structure.

To sum it up in only a few sentences, with the relationship anarchist I didn’t feel secure enough not having any labels. With the person practising hierarchical polyamory, I didn’t like the idea that my needs and desires would always come second to a primary partner. I also didn’t like that it felt as though there was a ‘ceiling’ to how my feelings for that person could develop.

Breaking it off when we weren’t compatible 

In the end, mine and my ex’s desire for differing relationship structures was one of the reasons we broke up. Neither one of us wanted the other’s version of polyamory and that’s OK.

So, once I’d finally figured out the relationship structure I did want, I then had to find people who wanted the same one as me. Turns out that’s easier said than done and I’ve had many missteps along the way.

I thought I’d share some do’s and don’ts to help get on the same page about relationship structure:

Do ask what polyamory/ non-monogamy means to them.

Because there are so many different relationship structures under the non-monogamy umbrella, polyamory can mean different things to different people. My ex and I were a great example of this. 

Lately, I’ve also noticed a lot of people put ‘poly’ in their Feeld profile when what they actually mean is casual dating which is very different to polyamory, so it’s always good to check.

Do ask what their version of polyamory/ non-monogamy looks like in practice.

What people say and what they do doesn’t always align. Asking for examples of what the other person wants in practice can be a good way to seek clarity and avoid assumptions.

For example, I’ve met a few people who say they are practising a non-hierarchical structure but in practice, it leans more towards a hierarchical one.

That’s not to say these poly people are out to deceive you, more often than not people are simply unaware that’s what they’re doing and it just takes talking about it to figure it out.

Don’t date people with different relationship structures.

OK, this one is more of an (avoid) than a hard (don’t). 

Of course, this can work with great communication and boundary setting but it’s also easier to date people who want the same relationship structure as you.

For example, if you date someone who has a primary partner and you want to be able to have what they have together but there are boundaries in place preventing that from happening, it’s likely not going to happen. You’re left in the position of wanting more than the other person can give.

I think by sticking to the relationship structure that you want you end up attracting people who are a better fit than if you changed your relationship structure for the person.

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I hope my anecdotal do's and don’ts were somewhat helpful in figuring out what non-monogamous relationship structure works for you.

What NM relationship structure do you practise or want to practise?

I’d love to hear your stories.

~ Big Clit Energy xxx 

When I started wanting to explore kink I didn’t know where to find any kinky people so I typed in ‘kinky dating’ into the app store and FET popped up. In 2024 you’d probably turn to Feeld but at the time (a few years ago), I’d never heard of it. FET was always in dark mode, looked dated and most people didn’t have a profile picture.

The opening messages I would receive were along the lines of:

‘Do you want to be my good girl?’

‘I’d love to stretch out your asshole’

‘Insert multiple aubergine emojis’ 

So, it was a breath of fresh air when I received a message from A) a man with a profile picture, and B) someone not asking me overtly sexual questions. The bar was low, OK. 

We did end up exploring a Dominant/ submissive power dynamic together and I mostly had a positive introduction into BDSM; we discussed what we wanted to explore before doing it, we did aftercare together and I felt safe. However, after we started to spend more time together outside of ‘play’, I slowly realised that he was a huge misogynist. 

I started to think that he may actually think that women should be submissive and are inferior to men and I’ve just let that man slap me in the bedroom… After many arguments about women’s rights very much needing to be a thing *hits head against wall* I swiftly ended the relationship.

In the past, I’ve slept with some terrible people with questionable morals. This has usually been the case when we’ve kept it a strictly sexual relationship which looks like not hanging out outside of the bedroom, not sleeping over etc. It means you don’t really get to know them as a person. 

But now, having had some really shitty experiences, I wouldn't do that again. You should really like the person you’re fucking as a person.

Reflecting back on this experience got me thinking I wish I’d had someone I could turn to for advice and soundboard off of. I had no idea what sort of questions to ask prospective Doms to make sure they weren’t a misogynist.  

So, here are some questions I think can help with vetting potential Dominant play partners: 

What does aftercare look like for you?

Aftercare is the care after a ‘scene’ to make sure everyone is ok. This can really vary depending on the person but some ideas include; cuddling, debriefing, drinking water/ tea, showering, watching something together, sleepovers, head stroking, or maybe you need space afterwards. 

I think the key answer to this question is just that the person knows it’s important and shows that. There’s no right or wrong answer.

What kinks are you into? Or what style of dominance best describes you?

This question can help determine whether you’re compatible or not. If they come back saying they’re a sadist (someone who enjoys inflicting physical/ emotional pain) and you’re really not into that, it might not be a good fit.

Ask about their previous Dominant/ submissive experiences.

I feel like the way they talk about people and past experiences can tell you a lot about them. For example, if they’re shit talking about a previous sub not being ‘hardcore’ enough then that’s really not a good sign. 

Maybe they don’t have any past experiences which is OK. Everyone has to start somewhere. Being honest about that instead of pretending they know more than they do is a good sign. You can learn together or you might want to ‘play’ with someone with more experience/ not want to play ‘teacher’ which is fine too.

Be honest about your lack of experience.

The more honest you are about your experiences or lack thereof the better. I definitely felt like I wasn’t kinky enough or good enough when playing with people with a lot more experience than me but telling them that felt good and addressed that issue. It means that you can both be on the same page about what speed you’re moving at. 

Trust your gut. 

Finally, and arguably the most important one. I think deep down I knew there was something off with the misogynist guy before he said anything misogynistic but I ignored that gut feeling. My nervous system felt on high alert around him; I felt butterflies in my stomach that never calmed down and I felt a sense of relief when he left and was out of my space. Also, my flatmate didn’t like him and she’s been right about every man I ever brought home. 

This obviously isn’t an exhaustive list as there are so many more questions you could ask when it comes to vetting a potential Dom.

There’s this narrative within the kink community that there’s a Dom shortage. ‘It’s hard to find a ‘good’ Dom’, people say - whatever that means to you. But, it’s an unhelpful narrative. I think it means subs cling to their problematic Doms for longer than they need to because of this scarcity mindset. 

When I finally ditched the scarcity mindset by raising my standards and not settling for anything less, I ended up finding a really great Dom. Honestly, finally! I’ve been through my fair share of shit ones, but I don’t want people to have to go through a journey of shifting through the shit to find the pearl, so here’s hoping you don’t have to.

What do you think are some good questions to ask potential Dominant play partners? 

~ Big Clit Energy xxx

At one point, I would have only considered penetrative penis-in-vagina sex to ‘count’ as sex. I’m assuming this myth came from the big fuss made out of losing your virginity. For example, I’d done lots of foreplay with my first boyfriend but we still didn’t consider that sex; we had to have the penis-in-vagina virginity moment to be able to tell all of our friends that we’d done it.

Post first boyfriend, pre queer sex, I met this guy who wanted to have sex with me but didn’t want to increase his ‘number’ (the number of women who he’d had sex with), which got me thinking - what counts as sex? 

We met volunteering on a conservation project in Peru. Wasting no time, being single and desperate to have my first holiday fling, we started drunkenly making out at local bars.

Rather strangely, the group of friends he was with recorded us kissing. They were a bunch of American athletes on a university trip who spoke mostly of their specialised sport. I now know a lot about pole vaulting. 

The next day, I messaged him asking if I could come and hang out in his room two doors down the corridor. He teased me for texting rather than knocking on the door and after some flirty back and forth we started to kiss. He whispered in my ear that he wanted to fuck me sooo bad, but then pulled away in what seemed a horny frustration. 

I found myself sitting on the edge of his single bed watching him pace around the room as he man-ologued to me about how he couldn’t increase his ‘number’ into the double digits. Apparently the next person he slept with had to be ‘the one’. I wondered if he’d start recycling the previous women he’d slept with.

What was really a slap in the face was that I knew he’d had sex with another girl only a couple of days before and I was unlucky number 10.

I joked that I definitely wasn’t ‘the one’ so he probably shouldn’t have sex with me. 

When he’d finished having his crisis, presumably realising he was setting himself up to never have sex with another woman again until he found his wife, he suggested we do ‘other stuff’.

It felt like it made no difference to me whether we had penetrative penis-in-vagina sex, hand sex, or oral sex. In my head it all still felt like sex, but I hadn’t had to question it up until this point.

He gently pushed me back onto the single bed and wriggled down my army print cargo pants. He went down on me and I’d never orgasmed so quickly in my life. Maybe he was very good at giving head or maybe I could be present and enjoy it more knowing that this was the ‘main event’ and we weren’t going to escalate to P-in-V sex. 

As I was having a breather and the guy rested his head next to my pussy, his roommate barged in. He found the situation hilarious while the guy did not find it funny at all. 

Any of the ‘other stuff’ quickly came to an end when the guy took up his roommate's offer to join him in the gym. You might think I felt a bit jaded being ditched for the gym mid-sex, but honestly I felt great. For the first time in my life someone had concentrated only on my pleasure and it wasn’t considered foreplay. 

I walked out of his room having had a great orgasm, not that it counted though…

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But why does it even matter what you count as sex? I guess, it doesn’t. You can count whatever you want. You can make your own definition or not give it any further thought. 

For me personally, broadening my definition of sex allowed me to be more open to better pleasurable experiences. It also validated my queer sexual experiences; I don’t need a dick in my vagina for it to be ‘real’ sex.

As I’ve grown older and realised I am, in fact, bisexual, I worked out that women have sex in lots of different ways, and often in the past, ways I’d considered to be foreplay and not sex. Oh, how much time I would have saved if any LGBTQ+ sex education was offered at school. 

But also, my thinking is that all of these sexual acts feel intimate and stimulate the genitals in some way. You can even still get STIs from them. Of course, I didn’t voice that opinion in Peru, I’m only really now starting to use my voice - hence the Substack. 

What do you ‘count’ as sex? No wrong answers.

~ Big Clit Energy xxx

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Our first order of business - who’s coming? At this point, Linda was a relatively new friend and we didn’t know many of the same people. Our two overlapping friends went straight on the invite list, then we had to trust each other to invite the rest and hope for the best.

Other items on the spreadsheet included: source blankets and cushions, brainstorm orgy games, snacks, decorations, and a playlist. After sushi, we headed straight to Flying Tiger to sort the decorations: heart garlands and heart balloons with confetti inside.

We decided on a Valentine’s theme as February was right around the corner and called the extravaganza ‘Cupid’s Chokehold’. We created a Whatsapp group chat and carefully crafted an invite message including: BYOT (bring your own toys) and dress code (pink and red lingerie/kink wear).

Everyone sent in a thirsty pic introducing themselves along with info about their sexuality, relationship status, their sun, moon and rising signs, and whether they were a top or a bottom. There were a lot of fire-emoji-reacts flying around. It soon came to light that this party was in serious need of some tops…

I’d been to a couple of all-women and non-binary parties before and seen the bottoms panic, not having the confidence to make the first move. Here’s a top tip I learned from watching my friend - take an alien dildo to the party as a conversation starter and it might end up being used on you later on in the evening. With no alien dildo in sight, I prayed for the mystery guests to bring the big-strap-energy.

In the chat we also shared a Spotify collab playlist, so we didn’t have to feel wholly responsible for the music choices on the night. Everyone added songs and it removed the responsibility from Linda and I. There’s a lot of Only Fire and Kim Petras on there - think horny girlypops vibes.

Next on the agenda was to come up with some games to help create a sexy atmosphere. Our go-to was dare or dare because we’re still teenagers at heart. Instead of leaving it to chance and letting people struggle to think of dares on the night, we decided to pre-decide on them and write them on little bits of paper.

This was the best part of planning. Linda and I dedicated a whole evening, cry-laughing as we went, at some of the dares we came up with, thinking through them methodically and deciding whether they were too horny or just the right amount of horny for a group of people who didn’t really know each other.

Run an ice cube up and down someone’s body - right amount of horny. Sit on the person opposite’s face - too horny. What if that one was the first to be pulled out? This was a delicate balance. It sadly had to be axed.

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We also did a disclaimer at the beginning of the game to remind people that they could say no to a dare at any time, skip or pick another, which people did do. We love horny teenage games but we reject the teenage peer pressure in this house.

Dares were secured. Drinks, snacks and ice cubes were stocked up on. My partner dropped round tons of pillows and blankets which made me feel loved and supported. All that was left to do was set up. We stuck heart garlands to the ceiling in the entryway so they would dangle down upon people’s arrival. Sprinkled heart-shaped confetti onto the rug and sofa. Set up a sex toy, lube and condom station. Plugged the Doxy into the wall and we were good to go.

Two hours later, everyone had arrived and were mingling in the kitchen whilst Linda and I whispered about when would be the right time to whip the game out - just before the cock struck midnight, oops I meant clock!

We brought out the dare game and everyone naturally sat in a circle on the living room rug, all squished together on the blankets and cushions, awaiting instructions. Half of the orgy attendees were sober and the other half didn’t drink very much so everyone was giving their undivided attention.

We span an empty Nozeco bottle to decide on who went first. The glass bowl the tiny bits of paper were in lasted two spins before the bottle and bowl collided and glass shattered all over the rug. Quick pause to vacuum up the glass in our lingerie and back to the bottle spinning.

There was lots of making out - with the person opposite, to your left, to your right, pick two people for a threeway kiss. There were lap dances and strip teases. Seven minutes in heaven. Lick this, bite that. We went through all the dares in the now plastic tub. So… what now?

One of the women whom I hadn’t met until tonight, and had described herself as a top in the chat, piped up and suggested we blindfold someone, spank them and have them guess who it is. I put my hand up like the teacher’s pet that I am and volunteered. Everyone took a turn spanking me and I guessed wrong almost every time. It’s harder than you think when you’re trying not to say the name of the person you really want it to be…

The same person suggested we all play spin the bottle but, instead of everyone stopping to watch two people kiss, another person spins then kisses another person. That way everyone ends up kissing at the same time. The odd one out made a three - the more the merrier.

Honestly, I didn’t feel very present during the kisses because I was so focused on everyone else having a good time - that was the reason I wanted to host an orgy in the first place. I tapped out, sat back in the armchair and watched everyone else making out on the living room rug. We did it! 

I’m not telling you about the ins and outs of the sex stuff because this is free and you should pay for your porn. The aftermath included some blood stains on Linda’s rug, not from anyone’s period but from carpet burn. That really was the only ‘aftermath’ as everyone helped clear up and left at the time we had stated as the curfew on the Whatsapp group chat. Only at a Sapphic orgy would the guests help you clear up and leave on time.

We hopped in an Uber back to mine. I poured peppermint tea for the friends staying over. We sipped and debriefed on the sofa. 

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~ Let me know what you think in the comments or share your expert sex party hosting tips with the rest of us!

Big Clit Energy xxx

What is a “Kink Night”?

It’s a BDSM event often set in a nightclub with a dance floor and playroom for sex and BDSM activities.

I can understand why the idea that kink nights are an unsafe environment exists. Often people are meeting each other for the first time and engaging in sex and/or BDSM together which is risky behaviour. Yet, I’ve felt always much safer at a kink night than I have at any other “normal” club night. Maybe it depends on the type of events you go to but I’ve been to a few and always felt mostly safe. I say mostly because I don’t want to miss-sell kink nights as consensual utopias. They are by no means a “safe space” but they try hard to make that as true as possible.

Some of the protocols kink nights have to make party-goers feel safe include having a set of rules and asking each person to name one or two on the door before being allowed in. Searching bags. Having a dress code and making sure each person adheres to it. Placing stickers on phone cameras so that no one can take your picture without your consent. There is often a photographer at the event but you can simply decline to be in the photos or some events have coloured wristbands upon entry so the photographers know not to snap you. There are also safety monitors dotted around the event and in the playroom itself. You can flag anything to them and they’ll also approach anyone if they think they’re breaking any rules or if someone’s just being a dick. They’ll probably then get kicked out.

So let’s get into how you can keep yourself and others safe.

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Find a friend

A great place to make a kinky friend is at a kink social. You can find a list of them here from my previous Substack. They’re social mixers to meet like-minded people usually without the dance floor or playroom aspect. They tend to happen a week or two before an event and you’ll most likely meet someone who is also attending the upcoming kink night. For some, they might be a more low pressured environment to meet people. Plus, the kink community are super friendly and welcoming.

I would recommend not going alone for the first time. It’s good to have someone you know so that you can feel emotionally safe on the night. I’ve been alone before and although I didn’t feel unsafe, at times, I felt uncomfortable not having someone I could go back to for a sense of comfort.

*Note for the cis-het-men: if you’re attending by yourself, remember to think about how your presence might come across as threatening to some people. A lot of these events are centred around queer people and some people may really not want to be approached by you. There is definitely an event out there for you but consider carefully whether you fit into the space before attending.

There’s no pressure to play

Another misconception about kink nights is that “you must have sex”. A lot of the time, people attend these events and don’t have any sex at all. There’s no pressure to do it. You might not find anyone you fancy. You might not find the environment sexy. You might not be feeling it. You can just go and dance and meet some lovely kinky people. I didn’t play the first time I went and I don’t regret it. I had a good time but also found it a bit overwhelming as a first experience with all the newness of it.

Talk about what’s going to happen before you play

If you find someone you fancy that you want to play with *yay*. Have a conversation about what you both want to happen during play. Do you want to do hand stuff and oral but no penetrative sex? Do you want to include toys? Do you want there to be a power exchange of some kind? Do you want to use barriers for oral sex? What’s the safeword going to be? And what aftercare does everyone need? Obviously, you can still communicate throughout too.

Safer sex

There’s always at least some risk when it comes to sex but you can do your best at practising it as safely as possible. First, start by continuously asking for consent with each new sex/ BDSM act you take part in. For example, they might have said yes to penetrative sex in your initial discussion but change their mind when it comes to it. Also, be aware that their “yes” matches their body language. Ask yourself questions like: Do they seem present? Are they engaging with you?

The second thing to think about is how to avoid STIs and pregnancy. Most kink nights provide free condoms but it’s always a good idea to bring your own. They usually only have one type of regular, latex condom which might not work for people with latex allergies, or bigger or smaller penises.

If you’re a vulva owner who has sex with other vulva owners condoms are still important to use over sex toys. Remember to change it each time it’s used on a different person. The same goes for switching to a new condom if you’re a penis owner having sex with multiple people.

Also, making sure to regularly test for STIs is great safer sex practice too.

Aftercare

The sex is done. You completed it. I hope you came. Or at least had a very enjoyable time because we know it’s not all about cumming. Now would be a great time for aftercare. I find aftercare can be more tricky in a kink night environment because you’re not alone in a bed. You’re in a busy, loud club with other people. Some aftercare suggestions include: having a hug, going to get a glass of water together, going to a quieter area, a wellness room if they have one, or outside in the smoking area, having a debrief about the sex you just had, giving each other compliments, or heading back to the dancefloor to dance the rest of the night away.

I hope this slutty person guide helps you navigate feeling as safe as possible at kink nights. Also, let me know if there’s anything you think has been missed out. I’d love to hear if you make it to one and what your experience was like. Let me know in the comments below or send me a DM on Instagram :)

Big Clit Energy xxx

I’m queer, kinky, and poly, and have lived in London for the past 5 years. After graduating from uni in London I wondered how I was supposed to now make friends.

I had made lovely queer friends at uni but I really wanted to seek out the kinky/ poly people. I dragged two of my friends along to a kink night but they didn’t really enjoy it so I ended up going by myself to the next one. That night, I ended up meeting someone I dated for a while and had a really great time but it was on the journey home that I made some friends.

Three people sat opposite me on the overground. The dark-haired man asked me if I’d just been to the same kink night as them and he pointed to my collar saying it was a giveaway. There wasn’t enough time for a conversation before I had to get off so we exchanged Instagram handles and we’re all still friends today. I ended up meeting a few of my friends through them!

I really had to push myself out of my comfort zone to go out and find the like-minded people I now get to call my friends.

I am so cool that I created a pie chart out of where I’ve met my friends since leaving uni:

Turns out the main way I’ve made friends is by being introduced by a friend of a friend. I’d originally made the first friend through one of the other places e.g. kink night, dating app, social media.

Here is a list of tried and tested events and ideas on where to find the queer/ kinky/ poly people in London:

Kink Nights:

All these kink nights have rules, a dress code, and a playroom for sex and BDSM.

• Joyride - It’s a queer and colourful rave and play party. It’s at Corsica Studios in South London every other Sunday from 3pm-midnight. It plays a mix of techno and house/ disco music. (Disclaimer: I’m shit at knowing what music genres are played at this event so please take it with a pinch of salt)

• Quench - another queer and colourful rave and play party. It doesn’t have a dedicated venue. The music is anything but techno - reggaeton, pop, house. This is my new current fave because I loved the music! (I don’t really like techno)

• Klub Verboten - a fetish play party and rave and the East London venue E1. It features heavy techno music and member and non-member playrooms. The dress code guidelines are latex, leather, chains, PVC. It’s the most BDSM and fetish-focused crowd out of these three events.

Kink Socials:

• Feeld socials at the Standard London - Feeld teams up with kink nights like Joyride and Riot to hold a monthly mixer event at the fancy London hotel. You can find out when on the dating app or their social media

• Tears for Beers - the monthly mid-week social of Klub Verboten. There is also a playroom at this event.

• Quench socials - head to Quench’s Instagram to keep up to date with their ad-hoc social events

Poly/ ENM Social:

• ENM Fam - They host socials for the ethically non-monogamous community. It’s once a month on a Thursday at the Fox and Firkin in Lewisham. The vibe is making friends rather than chatting people up. I really love the wholesomeness of this event!

Sober Queer Events:

• Queer market - I’ve only been once so I don’t know how often it is but everyone was very friendly and welcoming. Plus, the queer sellers had amazing things on sale.

• Queer Swim - shameless self-promo here! I run a queer swim club which is a great way to meet queer people and be outdoors in London. I’m taking a break but will be back in April/ May so follow my Instagram to keep up with the latest. It’s based in Hampstead Heath.

• Queer Salsa - I’m yet to go to this but it’s top of my list! They run drop-in classes and ongoing courses every Monday at Latino Hits in Dalston.

• Common Press - a queer book shop and event space located just off of Brick Lane. They offer events from a queer writing group to queer yoga and music nights. Stay up to date on their Instagram.

• London LGBTQ+ Community Centre - located very close to the Tate Modern. Similarly, they offer a wide range of events for relatively cheap prices. You can sign up for their newsletter to get the latest from them.

• Self Pleasure Club - run monthly events for women and afab to discuss self -pleasure. There is usually a different theme each month. It’s held at the Community Baths in Hackney Wick. I went to a pussy yoga event and one on being witnessed and performance surrender. It felt like a very safe space!

Queer Nights Out:

• Pxssy Palace - a BIPOC club night for queer women, trans, non-binary, and intersex peeps hosted at Colour Factory in Hackney Wick.

• Gal Pals - another party for queer women, trans and non-binary folk. They host events in both London and Brighton. The dance floor is filled with pop music and gals shouting Olivia Rodrigo at the top of their lungs. It’s a fun cheesy night.

From the comfort of your phone:

• Hey Queer London - is an app featuring queer events going on in London every day. They post on their socials and you can send in your queer event for them to advertise too.

• Dating apps - this one caught me by surprise but I’ve managed to keep some lovely friends after meeting on Feeld and briefly dating. It’s been a new experience to watch people I’ve dated transition into a friendship. Now if I meet someone and it doesn’t work out and I say “Let’s be friends” I genuinely mean it!

• DM mutuals - don’t be afraid to send a queer/ kinky/ poly person a message on social media asking them for a coffee saying you’d like to make more like-minded friends. Obviously, be polite and respectful. It could be the start of a very modern friendship.

That’s all the recommendations from me. If you go to any of these events let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear about your experiences.

Here’s a cute, recent pic of me with some new and old friends just for proof that I did make friends from trying all of these events!

~ Big Clit Energy xxx

So, when did you last have a good look at your vulva? I’m not talking about staring down at your mons pubis in the shower but actually getting a mirror or your trusty phone camera and having a good stare (if you’re taking pics remember to delete them from your deleted folder as well). I now own an extravagant hand held mirror for this very purpose. I’m also always worrying about getting thrush or if that ingrown hair is actually a genital wart, so I consider it a worthwhile purchase.

I remember having a look in a mirror a while ago when I’d read some online discourse about doing so and learning to love your vulva because they can all look very different, so curiously I joined in and had a look. I didn’t think “wow, that is the most beautiful vulva I’ve ever seen!” Nor did I think that it’s ugly but I thought “hmm ok what’s the fuss about? Why are we actively telling people to look at their vulvas? Do we really need to be having this conversation?” Then I didn’t really think much of it. Until, that is, I had sex with a woman for the first time.

This was the first time I’d seen another woman’s vulva up close (and very personal). I was nervous about giving head for the first time and various thoughts were whirling round my brain: What if I don’t like it? I did. Does that mean I’m not attracted to women? Bollocks. How do you do it? Communicate. What if I’m bad at it? You aren’t ‘good’ or ‘bad’ at sex. But that was all the internalised homophobia and shame talking. Those thoughts melted away when I realised I was loving it and she was very good at communicating what felt good for her but one thought that did linger was: “how does this vulva look so different to mine?” This is what they mean about ‘innie’ vulvas, I thought. The labia were so tucked away I couldn’t find the clit!

I was mortified. A sex educator who couldn’t find the clit. Now, hear me out, and hold back your judgement before no woman ever wants to have sex with me again. I knew the general region for where the clit was supposed to be but it was so tucked away, whereas, mine is so out in the open, popping out to say hello. I couldn’t find the little fella.

I also felt like a hypocrite having slagged off men for years about not being able to find the clit and here I was in exactly the same predicament. Well, actually it wasn’t exactly the same because I think that discourse goes more along the lines of men prioritising their own pleasure over women’s during sex but nevertheless I felt embarrassed. These thoughts are all happening in a nanosecond btw and didn't last long because we communicated and I did find the clit (hooray!) and they lived happily ever after in post orgasmy bliss.

Well that last part’s a lie actually, neither of us came, which is funny because my queer friends had told me that ‘gay’ sex lasts for hours and everyone comes multiple times but I wasn’t disappointed about it. Maybe I would have been if I still thought that orgasms = the sex was good, and a lack of orgasms = the sex was bad. I think this line of thought carried over from the men I’d had sex with who didn’t care to make me orgasm. This wasn't like that.

In fact, it’s one of my most treasured sexual experiences to date. Of course, me trying to find the clit doesn't give this story the beautiful justice that it deserves as to why it sits so treasured in my memory bank but I don’t need to share it all with you.

Let me finish where I started “I only realised how different vulvas looked when I was about to eat one for the first time!” That is wild. I literally have my own vulva and I didn’t know how different they could look. Straight men end up knowing more about how different vulvas look to one another than straight women! And that is truly baffling when you have one between your legs.

There are a couple of inspiring people who are educating people about vulva diversity including: The Vulva Gallery, This is a Vulva (working to stem the rise in labiaplasty), and Lydia Reeves (a female body casting artist) who recently displayed a variety of vulva castings in an exhibition. I went and it was amazing!

I hope you come away from this wanting to 1) learn about the diversity of vulvas (ignore me if you’re already a seasoned vulva connoisseur but I am most definitely a novice) and 2) to look at your vulva more. Is it an innie or an outtie? Let me know in the comments!

Big Clit Energy xxx

This is my first newsletter on Substack. I’m 99% you’ve hopped over from my Instagram to read my mind-orgasming thoughts about this Tweet (thank you!! I appreciate you), but I’ll give a quick intro: I’m Nicole (a.k.a. Big Clit Energy, and I make content about all things sex positivity mainly sexual health and education but I’ve missed writing about my own personal sexual and relationship experiences so that brings me to Substack. I used to pay for a blog but that was a lot of money and effort whereas this is free and sort of like an extended version of Instagram captions for my thoughts about bigger topics such as …

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So I was scrolling through Feeld the other day and I came across this brilliant human’s profile and they had this quote. It made me stop mind-numbingly swiping and think about the value I’ve received from my short-term relationships I’ve had over the past couple of years. Not only the romantic/ sexual ones but the platonic friendships too. From a child we’re fed this narrative that friends are forever, there are literal ‘BFF’ necklaces designed for kids. Then we grow up and realise that this just isn’t true and I think this is partly why friendship break-ups fucking suck because we feel like we’ve failed, we didn’t manage our expectations, and we weren’t prepared on how to deal with them. I have so much more to say about friendship break-ups but that’s for another newsletter.

This quote did however bring some validation to my short-term relationships I’ve had over the past couple of years. I’m in a transitional period in my life, having graduated from university last year, starting a professional job, trying to move out etc. I don’t have that university friendship group anymore, some of my friends are still at uni, and I’ve met a lot of new people in the last six months. I realised that friends can be situational, seasonal or for the long-haul, and it’s great to experience all of these types of friendships and I’m feeling particularly grateful for those short-term situational friends after this quote.

Back to reflecting on my short-term sexual and romantic relationships. I think I’ve always valued the positive short-term relationships and I know that, just because they were short, doesn’t mean they were any less meaningful to me. I’ve got a sexy example for you: the first time I had sex with a woman, I literally only met her the one time!! It seems pretty crazy to think that essentially a “one night stand” (I don’t view it like that but technically you could say that) could bring so much value to my life. I’d also love to write more about the whole experience so hopefully these hooks will keep you coming back for more.

But this quote also validated the sexual and romantic short-term relationships that weren’t great because you always learn something new from them. I’ve learnt the qualities that I do and don’t value in a person, I’ve learnt more about what I want and need from relationships, I’ve learnt so much that I want to write a whole book about it. I’ll give an example from my most recent romantic short-term relationship. He’s brilliant and I got swept up in that brilliantness that it meant I overlooked fundamental things I need from a relationship. It reminded me to check-in with myself more when I’m dating someone new because I know I can get swept up in liking them and forget about my needs in a relationship. Journalling, self-reflecting queen over here.

I’d love to hear your experiences and the value you’ve received from short-term relationships; platonic, romantic and sexual. So leave a comment if you fancy sharing.

“There is incredible value in sparing 3 mins to read this newsletter” and I’m very grateful.

Big Clit Energy xx

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