When I look at myself from the outside, I recognize that you would never guess the type of music I truly listen to.

Yes, I think Olivia Dean is amazing, I love to cook to Leon Thomas, and Sade is always a staple.

But at the end of the day, I have a deep love for trap music.

If you take a peek into my Recently Played, you will see a plethora of Gucci, a sprinkle of Young Dolph, a hint of Moneybagg Yo, and a trace of Future.

As a reminder, I grew up in a single family home with a private school education - this was nowhere close to my reality. But ever since I was 13, this has always been the music I gravitated to. And as I got older, I always thought about where that desire came from.

I wasn’t cosplaying a trap star in my free time and I realized I knew nothing about bricks or extendos or clips but the music captivated me in the best way possible.

I realize what trap music stands for and the damage it has done to the Black community but I think I always took the best ideologies from it just like a Christian does with the Bible.

Let’s go back to teenage Mia

.I was frail, insecure, and trying to find my place in the world.

During my freshman year of high school, I decided to transfer to my local public school which meant leaving my comfort zone of 10 years.

I entered the 10th grade with no friends, the wrong clothes, and a meek disposition. I learned very quickly that I would have to find some balls or my high school experience would be hell.

That realization coincided with my deep dive into trap music - thanks to my boyfriends and guy friends at the time - I became more and more obsessed with these aggressive rappers.

But why?

Looking back, I realized it was the confidence.

Rappers have always shown up publicly as confident individuals who have been through the struggle and rose to the top - whether that was the drug game or the rap game.

And for a young girl who needed to rise somewhere so she could at least have a seat at the lunch table - I felt like I could relate.

I felt like I had something to prove like a new dope boy on the corner.

No I wasn’t cutting anything in a backroom of a trap house but I did have a final at 2 PM that I needed to get at least a B- on to pass Chemistry.

I channeled the hustle of the artists on my playlists and applied the aura of their struggle to my everyday life.

And I have continued to use that philosophy to this day.

On the morning of my high school graduation, I listened to Young Jeezy.

Before my first real job interview, I listened to Future to get me pumped up.

Before a big meeting with Citibank, I listened to Sheck Wes and Kodak Black to remind me who the hell I was.

In some sick but profound way, I feel like I’m channeling the strength and determination of my ancestors who fought their way through any and everything to even allow me to enjoy life’s simple pleasures today.

I grew up in the church and growing up in the church means understanding what gospel music represents to generations before us. I won’t deep dive into my conspiracies around the Church and Christianity as a whole but at the core, our grandparents cling so deeply to the hymns of the past because they represent our strength and our power and our will to continue on.

And I look at trap music in the same way.

Many rappers were born into unfavorable scenarios but despite their upbringing, they managed to become something.

They managed to change their environment and future scenarios - and to me, that’s always been inspiring.

That’s always what I took away from trap music.

Trap music gave me hope. And yes, it’s changed (for the worse) over the years but at the core messaging, it gave me strength when I was weak.

It gave me something to believe in.

In past posts, I have spoken about growing up in white spaces but I haven’t discussed my blackness in regards to my family. I’ve always had the blessing of never letting my presence in white spaces affect me racially. I have a black family that has always made me proud of being black and for that, I’m eternally grateful. The older I get, the more I see in others how that affected them and on top of my mental health issues - it’s one less problem I have to deal with.

We live in a chaotic world - it doesn’t matter if it’s America or Palestine or Australia - shit is hitting the fan.

But I still feel a sense of hope. Why?

Black women.

No matter what circumstance, scenario, or outcome - since the dawn of time, black women have never stopped fighting to be seen and heard.

From entertainment to science to literature, we have made our mark and usually without being credited but it never stopped us.

As of lately, I’ve seen a second wind in our culture that has done nothing but inspire me to go harder.

From reality starts like Trinity and Serena and Olandria from Love Island to legends like Keke Palmer and Teyana Taylor to internet personalities like Chrissy Rutherford and Toni Bravo and Kami Crawford to models like Jordyn Woods and Anok Yai, having these women as role models and guides has given me the strength to never give up no matter how exhausted I am.

Just yesterday, I connected via Instagram with an amazing woman named Mennlay who wrote a beautiful and insightful piece about dating as a black woman in Mexico.

TASTE BUD

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner: Dating While Black in Mexico

I was abandoned the day I was born. My birth certificate, the tangible paper that links someone to their existence, was only filled out by my mother. The line for my father remains blank. For whatever reason, he could not and did not make it to the hospital for my birth. Legend has it that he was back home in Liberia or Côte d’Ivoire, presumably stuck unable to reach America…

Read more

13 days ago · 113 likes · 25 comments · mennlay

Not only are we succeeding but we are creating our own roles and rules.

Everyday, I see us flaunting our beauty and embracing our power in a way that future generations of black women need to see.

I think it’s very easy to get stuck in the doom and gloom of the world but there’s also so much positivity breaking through demanding to be recognized.

I am an millennial and growing up, we had our black queen idols like Raven-Symoné and Brandy and Kyla Pratt but I think that’s one thing that has been missing within society today so it’s comforting to see the girlies filling that gap.

As someone getting into the content creator space, I’m finding and meeting an amazing community of black women on Substack and TikTok who are all beautiful and talented in their own ways and reminding each other that there is enough room at the table for all of us.

Yes, AI is killing our environment and dictators are ruining our world but black women are continuing to thrive and I think that’s something to celebrate.^

For example, you don’t feel good and you don’t want to attend a party so you say you have a conflict. Or you were fighting with your partner and you say your kid is sick instead.

A lie but I get it.

But I do think past generations have created a world of liars.

Most of the time, I get called out for my blunt delivery and my harsh tone which I feel proud of in a world full of little white lies. You might not like what I have to say or how I say it but I’m truthful and honest in my convictions which many people cannot claim.

Over the past few months, I’ve watched so many people lie, play victim, and I realized it’s a part of their character which ultimately defines them as a liar.

But truthfully, I don’t let it bother me.

Why? Because it’s not my job to be the moral compass in this world.

It’s not my job to always call people out to better themselves.

It’s not my job to always fact check every situation.

Do I know that you said something different about that person? Yes.

Do I know that you weren’t honest about why didn’t do something? Yes.

But I’m not Ms. Rachel - I’m not wasting my time trying to teach you how to be a better person. I have spent so many time in my past lives trying to prove that someone was wrong or not being honest and where did that get me?

Nowhere.

It’s actually quite funny to me to watch people lie in real time. From the high pitched tone in their voice to the changed story and timeline to the stupid look on their face but as the Libra I am, I let them.

I let them continue in their lies because liars don’t think they are liars because they lie to themselves everyday.

You can’t expect someone to be truthful when their life is a lie.

We see it all the time on the internet - people will fabricate their entire personality for views and engagement. You’ll think someone is funny and cool but you meet them in person and they are drier than Arizona in July.

Unfortunately, lying has been normalized in the worst way.

And yes, this is just a rant and a random one at that but if you’re someone that lives in your truth, please know - the last thing you should be worried about is a liar.

I’m in a season where I’m evaluating and analyzing all phases of my life so I can continue to evolve into the best version of myself.

Midway through my morning coffee walk and 3 minutes of Track 10, I had another revelation that only comes from isolation for me.

In my twenties, I just knew my main desire was to get married.

But why is that? I grew up around strong women who weren’t male centered and always encouraged me to chase my dreams. Growing up in the suburbs of a major metropolitan area meant divorce was not a stranger - most of my friends had divorced parents.

Sidenote: I think growing up in a city or city adjacent - you get exposed to divorce much earlier than when you grow up in a rural area.

It’s because the trauma showed up later for me.

As a young only child, I thought the divorce didn’t bother me.

I had both of my parents. I never remembered them together so I wasn’t mourning anything I didn’t have. All three of us spent time together and everyone was on good terms. I saw my dad biweekly and on almost all holidays so I never felt deeply affected.

Or at least I thought.

Or maybe I trained myself to feel that way because I had experienced toxic divorced families where the parents couldn’t be in the same room

My last serious relationship ended in 2024 - 2025 if I’m being honest with the people because I’m a Libra who loves a u-turn.

After that relationship, I’ve really had to sit with myself because it changed my perspective on relationships as a whole and how I’ve functioned within them.

Even when filming for my YouTube, I have been visiting my relationship timelines and looking at the common themes (and baggage) I’ve carried throughout the years.

And what did the data reveal?

I spent my 20s trying to create the family I never had.

*mic drop* I know.

I fought to make the wrong relationships work because I wanted to build a family to see what that felt like or if it would heal me. I didn’t know what it was like to wake up to your dad annoying you or your parents fake bickering to make up a second later or decorated for a holiday together. Yes, I have a family (a great one) but I never experienced that family dynamic and deep down inside, I was aching for it.

If you line a lot of my exes up, they are from suburbs or a small town, usually close to their families, and usually the highest achieving in their family (I need a man who can do something). I think that archtype works in some relationships but as I started to grow, I realized that I needed more.

Also when it comes to my relationships, I would never fully blame the men I dated because I played my part or condoned the bullshit for way too long.

But it’s interesting to be in this version of myself and realizing that if I wasn’t emotionally mature enough, I would of entered a family with alternative motives and the minute things went wrong, my happy home would of felt like a prison.

And maybe deep down inside my subconscious knew that hence why I did not proceed forward in all of those relationships.

So being in my thirties, exploring a beautiful city, and decorating my classic apartment without a man telling me he doesn’t like my paint color choices is healing Mia in her twenties.

The ability to be alone with my choices without few regrets is healing Mia in her twenties.

And right now, that’s enough for me.

until next month.

All of my friends had siblings and almost all of them hating their siblings growing up - I often found myself loved by parents because I became a free mediator - so a sibling was never something I desired.

I had step-siblings that I tried to develop relationships with but fizzled out over time after separation became a reality for our parents.

So it’s always been me, myself, and I - and truthfully, I love it.

As I sit in my apartment, I’m thankful that being an only was something that I always embraced because it taught me how to happily be alone - which is something I’m realizing as I get older than many cannot do.

We all know too many people who always need somewhere to go or something to do or be invited to feel included which severely impacts their mood and self-esteem.

And thankfully that’s not me.

Last night, I took myself on a solo date to the city’s monthly Noche de Museos - I hadn’t been in a while and I wanted to dress up, look at some art, and get some content for my new YouTube.

As I floated around the museum at my own pace and enjoyed the orchestra before ditching the event for a large fry, I felt at peace.

There were families and couples surrounding me and the only thing I was concerned about was how the ice cream machine wasn’t working and how long my Uber would take so I can go home.

I love my own company - I think I’m a blast. Whether I’m vacationing in another country or rotting on my sofa.

But I feel bad for people who don’t feel that way.

I feel bad for people who aren’t their own best friend.

Because then you’re chasing external validation and that never turns out well.

Being an only child has really prepared me for this mid-range stage of my life where there is a reality that I could and will be alone at certain parts of my life.

And instead of reaching for a drink or a drug or a useless hobby, I’m just reaching for my interests and discovering new passions.

It reminds me of when I was younger and it was a Saturday morning. My mom would sleep in if she didn’t have to work and I’d occupy myself with my shows until we came together for breakfast. Post-breakfast, we would either run errands or attend activities or go back to bedrotting - she never felt like she needed to constantly entertain me and I think that has played a big factor in my life.

I don’t need to be constantly entertained or stimulated especially by another party.

So I’m not crying in a corner if someone doesn’t invite me to an event or if I'm not subjecting myself to the dating world because I’m okay on my own.

When I look in the mirror or sit down with my journal, I’m not afraid of what’s going to come out.

I know this isn’t the case for every only child and I can only speak from my experience but being an only child prepared me for life.

It prepared me to move countless times.

It prepared me to leave relationships that didn’t benefit me.

It prepared me to have my own back - mentally, emotionally, financially.

So for any parents who are terrified of only having one, please let this post be a reminder that they will be okay if that’s the case.

From school plays to group dates to my fundraising career, I’ve always seen myself as a background character and I was content with that.

Do I have a big personality? Absolutely but growing up in the 00s and saw how people with fame were treated - I was completely okay with keeping my personality to myself and my loved ones.

Which I know sounds shocking to a lot of people but you never know someone’s story or trauma or experiences that have molded their internal narrative.

Fast forward to present day, I’m 33 and realizing that visibility isn’t the devil.

I can admit the fear of being seen and known has always flared up my anxiety but what I realized is that the possibility of not trying scares me even more.

After over a decade of being in the nonprofit space, multiple moves, numerous astrology readings, and countless comments from others on careers that would fit with my lifestyle, I decided to take a chance on myself.

I told myself July would be the month to kickoff this visibility era.

I started a YouTube channel to tell my journey in efforts to help and show other black women that they can do and be whatever the fuck they want.

I started a new TikTok account and started creating content that I enjoy opposed to what I think people will like.

I revamped my resume and started applying to more consulting positions that require gall but peak my interest.

And almost immediately, the universe started to show me that I was in alignment.

New consulting opportunities started responding after months of silence.

My Youtube channel started to gain followers organically.

I went viral on TikTok - not once, but twice - gaining thousands of followers overnight.

And I can’t help but laugh.

After years of trying to make my life work as a supporting character, I decided to embrace the role of the main character of my own life and was immediately rewarded.

I’m not saying I made it by any stretch and I know this is just the beginning for whatever this next stage of my life looks like but it gave me the confidence I've always been looking for.

Realizing and recognizing that it’s never been the products I’m selling or the cause I’m supporting - it’s always been me.

My ideas, my humor, my style.

So for the foreseeable future, I’m throwing that fear out of the window and I couldn’t be more excited to see what this next chapter brings.

As a reformed people pleaser, a former pick me, and a healed condoner, I'm no longer looking for validation from anyone honestly and the immense joy I feel is irreplaceable.

So I thought I'd share everything I'm no longer doing:

1. Reach out to those who make no effort to reach out/plan things/inquire about my life.

   I recognize that as an adult we are all in different stages and in different places in our lives and things happen. We lose touch or things get busy and keeping up ends up on the back burner. On the other hand, it's 2026, we have $1,000+ phones, and it takes maybe 30 seconds to send a text so there's just not an excuse anymore so this is my formal goodbye to those relationships.

   Continue to watch me through social media.

2. Coddle friends through their wrongdoings.

   I visited a friend yesterday and we had a conversation about her life - within that conversation, we discuss how important it is for friends to be honest with each other. It doesn't have to be harsh and your friend doesn't have to listen but coddling someone's bad behavior is enabling and that's what we aren't doing anymore.

   Go get some therapy and work on your issues from 2001.

3. Overextending myself when it comes to plans.

   The amount of money and time I've spent on events and weddings and celebrations and visits for others to not even get a thank you is actually embarrassing so instead of holding in resentment, I happily decline.

If I’m not feeling it or it doesn't make sense to my life and schedule, Mia will not be there.

4. Arguing with the ignorant.

   I used to care so much of what people thought of me. I would argue someone down trying to convince them of my perspective and now, I just let their dumb ideas run free.

   Whatever you think or feel is between you and God. It's above me.

5. Over-consuming

   There's nothing I love more than shopping - from clothes to food to furniture, I just love it but the older I get, the less shit I want to hoard. Yes, quality or quantity matters so now it's less trips to the mall and more trips to the park.

   A win is a win.

6. An overly complicated morning/night routine

   First off, I was never waking up at 5 AM so all you scamming CEOs can stfu - I value myself, my sanity, and my sleep. As a society, we've just over complicated things through overconsumption. I don't need a Hatch clock to go to sleep at night. I don't need a microdermabrasion device to have good skin. I don't need overnight oats to be healthy.

   Can we all just be fucking forreal?

7. Pretend to like sports

I hate sports.

I hate the sounds.

I hate how long games are.

I hate anything with balls - men included.

Enough said.

Moral of the story: do what you want, be who you want to be, and life will become much easier.

welcome to biglittlemia - the YouTube.

It’s finally that time. After years of avoiding this platform, I am finally doing long form content - specifically YouTube.

I’ve dabbled in long form content over the years - from events I’ve attended to trips I’ve taken but I never really committed.

Until now.

For a long time, I felt like I didn’t know a story to tell.

There are so many influencers and celebrities that sit on their soapbox telling the world their routines and trip schedules but that is not my goal with biglittlemia.

My goal for biglittlemia is to show (black) women that they can do whatever the hell they want. From leaving your hometown to moving to another country to traveling the world to making a career pivot, I want us to know that we can do it.

biglittlemia won’t be full of GRWMs or outfits of the day because I don’t feel like that content is helpful for anyone.

There needs to be more spaces where we teach others without talking at them - my story comes with a lot of twists and turns and I’m also living out this story in realtime - but I know the world is at a weird place where we all want to pivot in some way or another so I’m hoping that pieces of my story can help others.

Whether that’s through being seen or gaining confidence or learning something new, I just want to be your virtual friend getting you through life’s ups and downs.

So welcome to biglittlemia - let’s talk shit.

Subscribe to biglittlemia

And instead of lashing out or going off, I propped up my pillows and started to bawl at approximately 6:30 AM CST.

With tears streaming down my face, I wondered why I was having such bad luck on this Tuesday morning.

Is it the retrograde?

Is it the decisions I’ve made?

Either way, the tears wouldn’t stop coming.

Fast forward to 7 AM, I dragged myself out of my bed. Tidyed up my house a little. Did my gratitude journal and started working on my to-do list for the day.

Most people would say give yourself time and grace and in the past, my usual response was “I don’t have time” or “I can’t just cry over spilled milk”

But the older I get and more aware I start to become, I realized that giving yourself a good cry is giving yourself time and grace.

As scientific studies have shown, if you hold stress or fear or trauma in your body, it will eventually come out in a different and usually a negative way.

So instead of holding everything inside or staying strong, I always give myself time to cry. It doesn’t matter what the problem is, if I know how to fix it, or if it’s already over - if I feel like I need to release tears, that is what I’m going to do.

I look at it as self care.

But not only self care but it’s a way to work through the problem.

If you’re still mad or frustrated, most likely you’re not going to be in the right mind to handle the situation in front of you.

After a good 20-30 minute cry, not only have I given myself space and grace to feel and emote but I’ve released my frustration into the universe which allows me to continue on with life as needed.

I might not feel better immediately after a good cry but I feel a release. I feel a version of peace knowing that I am able to embrace this (temporary) negative headspace. It’s the ability to be able to connect with yourself in a deeper way.

Fuck society for making us feel weak for crying when we should praised for being able to identify our present emotions.

I’ll leave the class with some homework.

ACTION: Take a moment to think about your last cry.

If it’s been a while, why?

And if it’s been recently, do you feel like it helped?

And as a woman, it’s not my job, responsibility, or desire to help them.

I’m glad the male loneliness epidemic is coming to light but we cannot forget that it’s been created by the men themselves.

Us women are not victims by any means but we have been victimized underneath the patriarchy since the creation of the Bible.

Eve was just this evil woman who ate the apple because she couldn’t listen? Mkay. Not believing that for a second.

Last night alone, multiple men were mad at me for setting a boundary on not being touched. I repeat a boundary of not wanting to be touched by strangers was met with aggression. A direct quote that I received was “boundary is a TikTok word and I should be thinking for myself and not letting others’ opinions’ affect my own.”

ARE THE MEN WELL?

I’ve watched wives dedicate their lives to mediocre men from second tier cities to then be cheated on and talked down to.

I’ve watched full blown relationships occur in real time for then women to be gaslighted into believing the love was never real.

I just don't understand how we got to this point.

Men have always sucked but they used to give a little fuck. There used to be some sort of standard and courting and processes but now? If you don’t give it up in t-minus 9 days, you’re a prude. If you give it up in t-minus 9 hours, you’re not a high value woman.

Make it make sense please.

And as a disclaimer, I don’t hate all men. I have great guy friends who are in beautiful relationships who give me hope that not all of them are satanic but the majority? Straight descendants of Lucifer himself.

And to the therapists of the world - they are probably lying to you.

As someone whose been in couples therapy (and watched the show), the fabricated narrative that I watched with my own eyes truly made me question my own sanity.

You watch shows like Love Island where you have men who are named after an adjective lie like a serial killer.

I'm just tired.

As a woman, I’m constantly asked by society to improve myself in every way everyday - emotionally, mentally, physically, financially - while men are still only being tasked with protect and provide.

Which neither is happening in 2026.

Is this a rant? Absolutely but are all of my complaints around men valid? Also yes.

Whether they are incels or red pilled, or just completely incapable of emotional intelligence or comprehension, I do not care - I want 90% of them to stay as far as possible away from me and all of the women just trying to do better for ourselves.

The best part of this “epidemic” is that women are finally choosing themselves.

We no longer feel like we need to be complicit in the dream that never considered our wellbeing.

We are traveling, pivoting careers, finding alternative ways to make money, learning languages, embracing platonic love, disconnecting - all things that we had been brainwashed into thinking they are luxuries when they should of always been necessities.

The development of women does not have to equate to the downfall of men.

In 2026, more men need to be held accountable for their lack instead of expecting the world to conform to their needs like society has for centuries.

I have a friend in town visiting from our hometown and I was excited to enjoy the day with her.

As a disclaimer, I could give a fuck less about futbol o soccer like I hate sports but I love a good experience (and matching merch) - so I bought a fake jersey and took on the day like a native.

We started the day a little touristy by checking out the Fan Fair at the park and then ventured towards a few watch parties. It was incredible to see a city I love so much radiate and celebrate - from young to old.

I had a moment as Mexico was 2 goals in and I was two samosas down.

I’m in a foreign country (that I live in), with a friend from high school (connecting all of my lives), celebrating a huge win for Mexico while enjoying the community I’ve built over these last two years.

And I felt thankful.

I’ve been in a rut lately and honestly I think I’ve just been comparing myself and my success to others’ and as we all know, that gets you nowhere so being able to notice the growth in a moment that two years ago, five years ago, even ten years ago - I probably couldn’t have imagined - felt very healing.

These are the moments that I’ll never forget - celebrating with the locals, cheering to a great win, singing the national anthems.

How often can anyone say they experienced a World Cup win in the hosting city?

In a crowd of thousands of strangers, I realized everything in my life led up to moments like these.

All the sacrifices I’ve made.

All the tears that I’ve cried.

All the hardships I’ve faced.

If something wasn’t working, I changed it.

If something didn’t feel authentic, I removed it.

Two things can exist at once - I can want more for my life while being proud of what I’ve created thus far. Because even if I don’t release the perfect product or have a Euro summer booked, I’ve exceeded my own expectations while eating a perfectly cooked samosa.

I think we just all need to remember that we are doing the best we fucking can.

The world is burning, the economy and government is a joke - if you’re doing better than you were two years ago or two months ago, you’re doing great.

Who knew I needed a futbol match to remind me how blessed I am and continue to be?

From losing family to friends, grief is so relevant in my life that I have certain dresses in my wardrobe that I bought for the intention of a funeral.

Since 2021, I think I’ve had a death a year.

Last year was my childhood dog.

2024 was my great grandmother.

2023 was my grandfather.

2022 was my friend Phil.

2021 was my friend Jason.

Grief is just a distant friend to me.

In high school, a friend of mine passed away from cancer. I remember walking into her funeral wondering how I was there but she wasn’t. When you’re a teenager, you’re thinking about crushes and dances and football games and here I was contemplating the concept of death.

I remember telling my mom at a young age that I didn’t want to travel for a funeral because we just had experienced back to back family deaths and my young heart couldn’t take it again.

All of this came to the forefront of my mind because I saw a photo of an old friend from college who died tragically in a freak car accident.

There are so many moments where I wonder what life would look like if he was here.

I had bought him a plane ticket to Arizona right before his unexpected death. I was a few months post graduation and I was finally settled and I wanted him to see my world.

Would he have enjoyed Arizona?

Would he have moved out of Ohio?

What would his life looked like?

And then I started down memory lane.

What would life have looked like if my people were still here?

Jason would have been so obsessed with Bad Bunny performing at the Super Bowl.

Phil would have probably moved to Colorado and lived on a remote ranch with his animals.

Ashley would have moved to New York and became a writer like she wanted.

Honestly the deaths of my friends frustrate me the most because they were rare illnesses or scenarios that no one could have ever predicted. I almost wish they were a part of bad scenarios so I could have something or someone to blame.

One of my friends got shot in LA taking photography at sunrise.

In what fucking world could we have predicted that?

We were supposed to meet up after my trip to Hawaii but I never heard from him so I assumed he was busy.

Not dead.

Imagine logging onto social media and finding out your friend died? Well I’ve had that happened to me twice.

I live a great life.

I have great friends and a good family and I enjoy my careers but I can’t help but think about what would life be like with them.

We all move so fucking fast that I think we push the pain down but in pushing the pain down, you’re pushing the memories away.

Selfishly, I still have my last texts and voicemails from those who passed. I’ve had countless phones but I can’t let them go. I find comfort in reading our last conversations.

A part of me feels like deleting them is letting their memory die in my heart.

I miss my friends, my family, my dog and I wish they were here everyday.

Those relationships held so many memories that are only just that. No more laughs, no more long talks - just the replays of our time together.

No matter how old I get, there always feels like a piece of me is missing.

I knew I wanted to set roots, invest in more pieces, and more importantly, create a home for myself.

Moving abroad is hard for any foreigner but planting seeds to stay can be even tougher.

You have to learn rental rules and restrictions, you have to learn visa policies when it comes to furnishing, you have to learn where and how to purchase items.

This is when having community matters.

I tapped into my veteran immigrants (cut the expat bullshit) and local community on the easiest ways to do this transition.

Over the past four to five months, I have been buying, prepping, searching for a new home and everything that goes with starting over.

I have made a new life in different cities but a new country? It’s a whole different feeling.

So instead of living in someone else’s home, I’m determined to make it my own.

When looking for a place, I tend to gravitate towards more classic, older spaces with a lot of character. I have my entire life to live in a metal box.

I stuffed in my checked bag some pieces from the States that I knew would be hard to attain in a foreign country. Without the accessibility of TJ Maxx and Home Goods, decorating can be tricky but just as rewarding.

I’m only two weeks in but I’m determined to make it into a safe space for me sooner than later.

Since I haven’t really got into my decorating bag since 2023, we are actually going big for once because I feel like this will be my home for a while (manifesting).

We’re doing paint, colored plates, and a lot of vintage and secondhand pieces.

I’m sourcing locally - thrift and vintage shops, secondhand markets, private groups - it has became a part time job.

Sometimes I’m so hard on myself because I want to achieve so much while being present for my own life which is a battle within itself.

But this home feels like a new beginning.

A happy beginning.

All the colors and textures represent how I feel about myself and the world around me.

Colorful but textured.

The person that I was going into this visit is very different than the person leaving.

By the time, this post comes out - I’ll be in a completely different country and timezone trying to process the last 40 days.

For those who don’t know, I’m an only child, an only grandchild on one side, and the eldest on the other so my family is pretty small and pretty close.

So close to the point where my entire immediate family lives in a 30-40 mile radius in the Washington, DC area.

I am the black sheep who decided to live around the world.

I visit home pretty frequently and this trip was no different.

Until it was.

My great uncle had an unexpected stroke that sent ripples throughout our family.

In past events, I was the child watching the adults scramble to figure out next steps but this time, I became one of the adults making the difficult decisions.

It was me talking to the neurologist about what happened.

It was me deciding that he had to go into emergency surgery.

It was me crying with my grandmother in a hospital lobby unsure if we will see him again.

Fortunately but unfortunately, I am good in times of crisis so I put my big girl panties on and did what I knew how to do - help.

Thankfully, my great uncle survived and is back home safely but it’s a long road ahead - for all of us.

Watching your family get older is something they never prepare you for.

The heads of the families become weaker and slower.

The gatherings become less and less because there’s no one to plan them.

The hospital visits become more and more frequent.

I always knew we would get to this point - time is inevitable but watching life as you know it shift is something indescribable.

But there’s one thing that engulfed me throughout each hospital visit:

As a wise angry man by the name of Eminem said" “if you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip?”

Did I know those were the exact lyrics until I looked it up? Hell no.

But it’s true.

I’ve spent hours sitting at my uncle’s bedside watching him sleep or helping him eat or talking to doctors.

That man has been alive for 9 decades and counting. And all he could tell us was stories of the past - how he was in the Air Force for 36 years or about his kids or his travel.

And all I could think about is one day that would be me.

I would be the old person telling the stories about my life - the places I saw, the things I did, the relationships I had.

And I started to think about my own life and if the older version of me would be proud of this version of me - of the life I live.

It’s morbid but if I dropped dead today - would I be happy with the things I’ve accomplished in life?

Because if the answer is no - I need to fix my life now because no one is coming to save me.

No one is going to give me a manual or a permission slip to allow me to live my life to the fullest.

Most people can’t take their families or their hometown for a week let alone a month.

But what got me through the constant triggers is that I have created a life that I love - one that I’m excited to get back to.

I love my friends who support me from different countries or down the street.

I feel passionate about my portfolio career that I’ve been building over the past five years.

I wake up happy and appreciative for the body that I am in.

I’m currently moving into my art decor apartment that I’ve on the hunt for that happens to be down the street from one of my bffs.

Despite the hardships and the failures, I have created a life that I love and that I’m always missing when I’m away because if there’s one thing that I always remembered is that no one is coming to save you.

So save yourself.

Let’s get into it.

As you all know, I started my month a 10 day trip to Guatemala - which was supposed to be Central America until I got sick and my phone broke - but still amazing.

THANK GOD I did because my 95 year old great uncle had a stroke a few days after I arrived so I’ve spent most of my days working from a hospital (which I will be writing about). Also he’s all good and in rehab for a release next week - for 95, we can’t believe it.

Because I showed up with linen shorts, bathing suits, and not a jean in sight, I had to get more clothes and why not take the time revamp my wardrobe for the year?

Notice how I didn’t blast the face of someone else’s child - it’s quite easy.

Until now.

Two weeks prior to the trip, I decided to finally pull the trigger and give myself a much needed break. After tons of research, friend reviews, and Tiktok videos, I packed a carry on and backpack and off I went.

I went to three different cities/locations in Guatemala.

Guatemala City.

Antigua.

Lake Atitlan.

Disclaimers:

• Before I dive into each city/location, this is a trip if you’re an adventure seeker or you want to sit on your ass. This is not a trip if you want a bustling metropolitan city.

• I did not go to the TikTok typical locations because I wanted to connect with the locals and understand the culture - not hang out with a bunch of foreigners.

• I refused to stay at any hostel because I’m 33.

• I planned this trip all on my own - I did my own research, I took little recommendations because I know what I like - I also enjoy planning trips.

• I did no volcano hiking - this is a huge reason why many people visit Guatemala and good for them - I am not them and they are not me. I know my limits and sleeping in a tent on a volcano is one of them.

• I’m a contractor so I work on my own schedule essentially so I would wake up most mornings, knock out my work, and spend the day as I please - I know everyone is not that flexible but that’s my reality.

Guatemala City

I was only here for one night (as recommended) but it was a cute city. It has the typical things - museums, malls (gorgeous ones), and some historical sights.

If you are traveling through the country, I’d suggest a 24-48 hour stint in this city. Nothing more - nothing less.

Highly suggest taking a Uber moto from downtown to the hotel zone listening to a carefully curated playlist so you can feel like Lauren from the Hills in Paris zooming through the streets.

We all need to play the main character in our own lives sometimes.

The drive from Guatemala City to Antigua was around 1.5 hours so if you’re on a budget, you can take a $15-20 USD shuttle but I took a Uber and it was around $40 USD.

Antigua

This city stole my heart.

I love old world architecture and Antigua did not disappoint. On every corner, it felt like there was a piece of ancient history and thank god for my large phone storage because I took pictures of it all.

I stayed at a gorgeous boutique hotel on the edge of the city (12 minute walk from the center) in a private gated community but my goal was to read, nap, and journal for the most part so it worked for me. If you want to get up and be in the city, this wouldn’t be the best hotel or location for you.

The staff was great, the room was amazing, it was mostly empty and I ran around like Eloise at the Plaza in a vintage Chloe maxi dress.

As an eater and someone with stomach issues, you do get options in Guatemala other than the local cuisine - they really try to accommodate foreigners which I had mixed feelings about.

Stumbled upon this very cute Japanese/Guatemalan farm to table restaurant in the center of the city the first night called Yedra. Unique dishes and great flavors.

As I mentioned, there are sights on every corner so sightseeing was a cornerstone of my daily plans.

Guatemalan people are incredibly nice so while sightseeing, I met a local who I ended up having coffee with. He told me about the war that changed the country, the gentrification of their larger cities, and his past as a Guatemalan football player. These are the moments where I am thankful that I don’t have a strict itinerary for impromptu learning lessons.

Did this same local try to kidnap me and take me to their house 40 minutes away? Also yes but we won’t get into that.

Guatemala has around 30 active volcanos and as I ate my snack and drank my drink, I contemplated how much that bothered me as I watched one rupture in front of me at 1 PM on a Tuesday.

Shopping in Antigua wasn’t amazing but that wasn’t my overall purpose. I tried to pick up pieces that felt unique or necessary to my current trip.

Advice for people who want their flicks: wake up early and walk the city.

One morning, I woke up at 6 AM so I could go to some of the famous ruins so I could get my solo pics - I have no shame, only determination.

The Santa Catalina Arch was on my vision board last year so I wanted to celebrate this moment with good photos.

In my random urge to see landmarks, I decided to trek to Cerro de La Cruz for an overlook of the city since I was already up.

Didn’t factor in that it’s more of a hike and you shouldn’t do that in plastic sandals but the stubborn Aries moon in me - did it anyway - and it was totally worth it.

Did I have to call an Uber moto to take me down? Absolutely.

I know a lot of you are asking - if I didn’t do outdoor activities, what did you do?

I am a tired black woman exhausted from contributing to the backbone of American culture so I slept for days on behalf of my ancestors.

I deserved to sit on my ass in my small bathing suits and wait for Marco to bring me my cafe con leche con hielo and read my pool book. I have a great even tan now.

Antigua has great little museos like this one.

Now did it get lost for 20 minutes and end up at an Aspen Institute event at the Hotel Casa Santo Domingo - yes.

But why would you connect a museum to a hotel?

And why am I so under the radar that no one suspected me?

Not a name tag in sight but I did meet a nice older man named Mark who was in town for the event with his grandkids - so precious.

Once I got unlost, I traveled to a local tortillaria called El Comalote that didn’t disappoint.

I ended up having a very spiritual moment at Iglesia de San Francisco El Grande. It was one of the few churches that didn’t allow photography and I understand why. Not only was it incredible but many locals were inside expressing their emotions in a safe space.

Which led me to express mine.

As we all prayed and cried in various languages, I couldn’t help but be thankful for this moment. Thankful for the opportunity to travel. Thankful for the opportunity to see the world. Thankful to live a full life.

I left the church in tears - some good, some bad - but for those 15 minutes, I felt connected to the locals. We all had different problems but we all were giving it to the universe - together.

I spent a total of four days in Antigua which I felt like that was enough time to see the sights, eat some good food, while still having time to enjoy my hotel.

I spent my last night with a drink and my journal at Aqua Antigua - go for the views and drinks, not for the food.

My Night in Panajachel (Side Story)

From Antigua to Lake Atitlan, it was supposed to be a 2 hour drive that turned into a four hour drive in pitch black on the side of a random mountain.

Thank God I made friends on that shuttle.

My original plan was to get to the lake and take a lancha to the other side of the lake to my casita on the water.

By the time, we got to Panajachel - it was pitch black and the lanchas had stopped running for the night which meant I needed to get a hotel.

I was exhausted and hungry when we arrived in the Guatemalan version of Tijuana but I decided to take an invitation from a new found friend to a night of dinner and drinks in our new accommodations.

Instead of sitting in my hotel room alone, I spent the night discussing the issues of maintaining a relationship and attempting to sing Selena via karaoke. It was one of those nights that only comes with solo travel that I’ll never forget.

Lake Atitlan

Waking up after one too many margaritas, we set off to Lake Atitlan.

A schedule was planned for me so I hopped on a boat and followed my newfound plan.

These lanchas were definitely an experience. They were little boats maneuvered by the locals - a little scary but beautiful views. Make sure you have cash if you’re going to the lake.

Once I got to the lake, I did a little exploring and had a fun day of lake hopping with new friends. I ended up visiting San Pedro, San Juan, and ended at San Marcos at a beach club called La Orquidea.

For the first part of the lake, I stayed in San Pedro La Laguna. Each part of the lake has different vibes but I wanted to stay on a side with a lot of nature and culture.

To get around each little section of the lake, you can also take tuktuks which are essentially their versions of cabs. The drivers were amazing and if you made friends with one, they usually became your personal driver.

After what felt like 17 modes of transportation, I arrived to my casita. I stayed at Refugio del Volcan which had the most stunning sunrises and sunsets.

I really wanted to be alone and one with nature (in my own way) on this trip so this casita was perfect but once, I got to the lake, I mostly read, journaled, and slept to the sounds of the environment.

I was at the lake for a total of four days which was perfect for me as a solo traveler.

I didn’t do the typical yoga class at the Bird’s Nest or a day pass at Casa del Mundo or a booze cruise in San Marcos so don’t ask. If I wanted to hang out with foreigners, I would have went to a city.

For the second part of the lake (and ended up being the last part of my trip unplanned), I stayed in San Juan which had beautiful art murals and great little local restaurants.

This was a trip to reconnect to myself and I definitely think I achieved that.

A lot of tears and writing and self-reflection were done on this trip.

A lot of moments of appreciation, gratitude, and release.

When I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to see the world but I never knew how much I would really see.

Being able to take this trip was a blessing for me - meeting the locals, learning more about Guatemala, eating the local cuisine and enjoying their music was something I’ll always remember.

My trip ended unexpectedly by day 9/10 - my iPhone 13 finally went to heaven and my 101 temperature took me to hell.

Sometimes you have to know when to call it and after this bucket list trip, I wasn’t disappointed when boarding my flight home.