Here is Part 2!!!

11. Make the effort to look good.

Putting effort into what you wear is a great way to set the tone for the day. It’s like deciding the kind of person you want to present yourself as for the day. What you wear tells a story, and it also gives you control over the story you want to show the world.

Invest in some nice clothes. Ladies, learn how to do makeup. If you’re not a makeup girl, wear a little gloss and have a skincare routine.

Me!!! Please, for the love of God, develop a sense of style. Go on Pinterest. Discover what you like.

Women, especially me, appreciate a man who can dress and knows how to take care of himself.

12. Be yourself..

This is very cliché, but in a world of influencers, glow-ups, red-pillers, trad wives, and just… social media, it’s easy to feel like you are not enough.

It’s harder to distinguish your own inner voice because of all the external noise.

There are things you naturally gravitate towards. Pay attention to that. It is what makes you, you! And there will never be another you!!

13. Be wild and do some dumb shit from the plot sometimes.

I was a very sheltered child. I was lowkey a little miserable because I wondered what my life would be like if I just let loose. I was so afraid of what people would think.

I was such a good girl until I met my first boyfriend.

He was the wildest guy I had ever interacted with, and he had money, so he had the freedom to be that way. He had a thing for sports cars. At the time, he had a 2005 Mustang, and I’m not going to lie, I loveedd it.

He used to race random cars on the highway. I was so scaredd, but it felt exhilarating.

Once, we broke into a school he used to work at, and he planned a date on the rooftop. I felt so bad, but I love sharing that memory.

I’m no longer with him, thank You Lord, because he was a psycho. But I am grateful for him because, lowkey, he taught me to be a little fearless.

14. People should be a little bit scared of you…

Nobody likes a nice guy for a reason.

Small advice for boys… this might not apply to all, but kindness is the ultimate thing to have if you want a girl. However, you can be kind while also being someone who, if pushed to the absolute limit, is capable of unleashing hell.

I’m not saying you should unleash hell, but at least have it in you.

Ladies… Have you noticed that a lot of men like difficult women? Women who will actually leave their ass if they really tried it?

Yeah. Be like that.

Be difficult. Do not be afraid of it.

I am speaking as a former nice girl.

15. Stay faithful in small things.

Everything you do counts.

Showing up counts, even if the effort is minimal. Stay the course, especially if you’re working towards a desire so strong that it consumes you.

16. You need to shut the fuck up sometimes.

Dude, I’m literally the queen of yap.

However, it is important that you gatekeep the things you deeply care about or be very selective about the people you choose to share them with.

People have evil intentions, sometimes unintentionally. People also project their own insecurities. People can deposit their negative emotions into your mind, and you’ll carry them as though they are yours.

17. Reject the scarcity mindset.

You need to trust that the money will come, the jobs will come, love will come, joy will come.

And some might argue that they do not come, and it’s true… but I strongly believe that if you focus on the lack, you will, in fact, lack.

It’s like when you learn to drive. Sometimes, whoever taught you probably encouraged you to look ahead instead of paying attention to every possible obstacle, or else you’ll end up unknowingly driving towards the obstacle.

18. Shake some ass once in a while.

Dancing is a great stress reliever. Add a bit of liquor… wow… amazing.

But if you don’t drink, still dance.

Dance with people or dance alone.

Just dance, bro.

19. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Your life is extremely unique.

People might have similar pathways to the ones in your life, but no one will ever be you.

One person might find success at 21, another at 35, and others at 75.

You will get there when the time is right for you.

20. Accept that you will outgrow people.

People, and even you, are constantly evolving.

Priorities change, life happens, and the sun still rises the next day.

Your closest relationships might not be as close as they used to be, and sometimes it’s no one’s fault. Sometimes it just means you’re growing.

21. Move your body.

You are young. You have your health. You have all your limbs.

Bro, why the fuck aren’t you making the effort to take care of that?

One day, your body will deteriorate and might even betray you. Preserve your youthfulness for as long as possible by intentionally moving your body at least 3–4 times a week for 30–45 minutes.

22. Allow yourself to be bored.

Babe, put that phone down.

The reason why we are all addicted to our phones is because we are trying to escape the rawness that comes with facing our own minds.

Why?

Because there might be darkness. Emptiness. Challenges.

Addiction is escape.

Stop running.

Go on public transportation without taking out your phone. Oh, and also… while we’re at it, get rid of the headphones too.

23. Learn how to cook.

I don’t cook like that, but you should.

That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

24. Kiss and hug.

There’s nothing better than a make-out session with your babe and cuddling… oh my!!

If you’re single like me… idk, go kiss your mom or something lol.

25. Believe in something greater than yourself.

For me, that is God.

Make sure you find something if you haven’t found anything yet.

1. Nothing is ever that deep.

Yes, it is important that you take your life seriously because on your deathbed, I’m sure you’d want to look back and be proud of the things you’ve accomplished and your impact in this world, but failing, embarrassment, loss and disappointment are not the end of the world. As long as you are alive, you can start over, reinvent yourself and choose a different path. Also, at the end of the day, we are all going to die and be forgotten by generations that come after us… so like, yeah, it is never that deep.

1. Have hobbies!!

As you grow older, graduate and enter the workforce, you’ll realize life can get very boring and repetitive. Your life isn’t as structured as when you were in high school, where your schedule was made for you. At some point I was bed rotting, sleeping, going to work and repeating the same cycle over and over again. Early adulthood provides you with the freedom and ability to try new things and discover what you are good at!

1. Take pictures (even if you’re a man)

You will only be this young and this sexy for a limited period of time. You will get old at some point. Take pictures when you feel fat, with your acne, on a bad hair day or on a day where you don’t feel up for it. I love looking back at pictures of myself from back then. Seeing what my style was like, realizing I was too harsh on myself and realizing I was beautiful. I always think about what I’m going to show my kids when they get older.

1. Go on dates! Multiple! (this is mainly for women)

In my early 20s, I dated multiple people at the same time. It was during COVID. I wasn’t in any serious relationships, but I had fun. I was taken out on dates, I was given a bunch of compliments, I got nice gifts, money sometimes, some men fell in love with me, but it often wasn’t reciprocated by me. I made sure to be transparent (…when I needed to), I never slept with anyone ever, but I learned a lot about myself. What I liked and what I didn’t like. What I accepted and what I didn’t accept. It helped me develop character. And it made me less impressed with men. I didn’t have the urge to buss it open just because a nigga said I was beautiful just to get in my pants.

1. Experience heartbreak at least once

When I broke up with my first-ever boyfriend, I felt like I was going to die. My friends took me out to make me feel better and I drank to the point of blacking out for nearly 48 hours. I have no recollection of the foolishness that I did. Lol, it scared me so much, now I only drink once every like 7 months. I really thought I was going to die, but I didn’t. It actually made me stronger and super resilient. I would say that I would never wish this experience on my worst enemy, but you have to experience this at least once. Breaking up feels like the person you dated just died, but hey lol, time really does heal.

1. De-center your parents!!!

My father used to tell me that your parents were God’s representatives on Earth lmaooo. Looking back, that statement was manipulative as fuck and is the furthest thing from the truth. Your parents might’ve given you life, and although they claim they know better than anyone else, that is further from the truth. You know yourself better than anyone else on the planet, so you know what is best. Your parents may mean well, but a lot of the time you know better, especially if you are a grown-ass adult.

1. Give your all to at least one thing.

Ideally, you should give your all to everything you do, but if you’re like me and you half-ass most things because you focus too much on your present rather than the bigger picture, make sure to select at least one thing and have a strong and clear reason as to why you are in pursuit of that thing. You do not want to spend a life wondering what could’ve happened if you weren’t a lazy bum and reached your full potential

1. Please read a book.

A lot of people are illiterate. The literacy rate, especially in North America (where I live), is increasing . People are getting stupider by the minute, especially with the rise of AI. Do yourself a favor, put the phone down and read.

1. Invest and save your money

I know it’s hard, especially in this economy, but if you can, please start an emergency fund. Invest in stocks. Think about your pension. Life is unpredictable, so make sure you are financially prepared.

1. Cherish your loved ones and spend time with them.

Life gets extremely busy, but every chance that you get, schedule some time for your friends and family. Book those trips, spend time and money to be with them because people do die. I could’ve said that in a softer manner, but death is the only guarantee in life for everyone. So make sure to spend this time that was given to you to love on and be with your people.

Guys, I just wanted to publish something and I’m getting tired, so I’ll post a part 2 tomorrow. I hope you guys liked the article.

xoxo Biuma

1. I am Congolese-Canadian. I was born in Canada, but I make sure to rep Congo heavily (DRC Congo). I am still looking for more Congolese people on this app, please let me know!!

2. I am bilingual. I speak English and French. I also fully understand Lingala, but I do not speak it :(

3. One of my dreams is to tour the African continent. I’ve only been to Congo thus far. The first country I wanted to visit was South Africa, but I’m super against xenophobia, and I’ve seen the way they’ve been treating my people over there so…. yeah, no.

4. My favourite Disney movie on the planet is Princess and the Frog. I’ve watched it a million times in French and in English. I know all the songs.

5. I am 5’8. Someone on this app told me that my energy gave 4’11. I almost fought them. I am BIG MOMMA for real!!!

6. I am the eldest of 3 girls and one brand-new baby boy.

7. I am 25 :) 25 is deadass my favourite age. It’s the prettiest, smartest and freest I’ve ever felt. I think I’ll remember being 25 for the rest of my life. It’s honestly been memorable so far.

8. I am very into fitness and health. I believe that all women should lift. It’ll make you look extra sexy and sexy for a long time. It’s also beneficial for your physical and mental health. I workout 3-4 times a week, sometimes twice when I’m lazy.

9. I used to have my nose pierced…I miss it but lol I think I outgrew it. It was the spiciest era of my life. I did a lot of stupid things for the plot. Maybe I’ll talk about it in a future article lool.

10. I sing… well I used to sing. Pretty well too. I used to sing in church and then church people just… ughh anyways.

11. I used to run track and field in high school. I wasn’t the best runner, but I loved it.

Bruuh how tf were some of you guys able to do this. I’m determined though. Let’s go!!!

12. My favourite colour is green. It used to be red, but mehh.. I feel like green matches me more. Green feels calming and peaceful.

13. My favourite comfort shows are Vampire Diaries, Gilmore Girls, Gossip Girl and Desperate Housewives. I’ve been watching the same shows for years!!

14. #TeamDamon!!!!! If you’re Team Stefan cool, I get it. He’s kind, noble and the more stable, but I love a bad boy. I’m a sucker for it!

15. I studied psychology in university!

16. I eat eggs, spinach, bacon, and avocado every morning.

17. I lived in Europe for a year just for vibes.

18. The last concert I went to was Asake. What a movie!!! I loved it and I didn’t know any of the words to any of the songs.

19. I hateeeee people who are rude and entitled for no reason… like I will literally beat you up!

20. I did martial arts for a bit.. specifically Muay Thai. It was soo funn but I had to give it up because it’s too expensive.

21. I am currently reading a book called The Joys of Motherhood.

22. I have a deep and spiritual connection to Cleo Sol. I listened to her during my darkest times. I can’t wait for her next tour.

23. My waist moves like waterrrr…put me on the dance floor and it’s over!!!!

24. You have to squint realllyyyy hard and wear glasses with a very strong prescription to locate my waist.

25. I hate men, but I also love them. SOME men are good people and those are the men I am a fan of.

26. I am pro-woman!! I however do not support “all women’s wrongs.” That’s the stupidest saying I’ve heard of all time.

FOUR MOREEEEE!!!

27. I peed my pants on a bus full of little kids at the age of 15. I was so traumatized!!

28. My favourite villain of all time is Klaus Mikaelson. As an empath, it is really hard for me to see people as good or bad. I want to understand why people are the way that they are. Klaus is so complex, so interesting and.. he’s hot!

29. I’m working on growing a fat bum bum. I want you to meet my glutes before you meet me. I’m so serious.

30. My celebrity crushes are Damson Idris and Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds. I love an intellectual, quirky and weird kind of guy.

Tadaaaaaa!!! We did itt!!!! Thank yaaaa!!

Bro, living alone is great, but it is absolutely no joke. Being alone in a quiet space without anyone to bother you will really force you to face yourself. It’s like my mind and my body are at war. My chest feels tight and I feel extreme discomfort. My mind is judging me like a third-party participant in my life and judging me oh so harshly.

As some of you already know, I moved into my very first apartment. I’ve been dreaming and praying for this moment my whole life. I absolutely hated living under my parents’ roof, mainly because of my difficult relationship with my father. Most of my life has been spent finding ways to escape, leave that house, and never come back.

Looking back, I realize I didn’t just want to move out. I had basically constructed my entire life around the mission of leaving that house.

As soon as I got my first job, I started saving aggressively. I would refuse to spend my money unless I felt really pressured or unless I was under a lot of stress and felt like I needed to go out or buy something to appease myself. Or I was peer pressured into doing it. No matter how much I saved, I felt like I never had enough money. I never felt ready enough.

Then the conditions in my home became unbearable. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had tolerated enough shit from living in my parents’ home that I finally left.

I prayed and hoped that God would have my back. Before, I would ask God to give me a clear yes or no to tell me if it was my time to go, but lol, God unfortunately doesn’t work that way with me. I left and crossed my fingers that everything would be okay.

And it was.

I’m here. I have my own apartment. I finally did the thing I spent years trying to do.

So now that I’ve escaped… fuck… now what?

That’s the part I wasn’t really prepared for.

I’m starting to realize that all this energy that I spent trying to survive my environment could’ve been spent elsewhere. I would have done way better in school, for example.

I was so emotionally drained from being in that home that keeping up with school was difficult. On top of that, I started dating a man that drained the hell out of me. I just didn’t have the motivation to work hard. I graduated, we thank God, but honestly, barely.

I have a really deep passion for psychology, and pursuing a Master’s to become a psychologist or therapist of some sort would’ve been cool, but my grades were so poor that I wouldn’t get accepted. I’m kind of ashamed to admit that.

Whenever people bring up me going back to school again, my chest gets real tight and I want to vomit.

And I think that’s part of what makes this new chapter so uncomfortable. I finally have the freedom I wanted, but now I’m left with all these questions about what I actually want to do with it.

I have a job. I’ve always had a job. I’ve been working since I was 15, so at least I’ve been blessed with that. I’ve been trying to apply for a job with higher pay. Lord, the job market is “extremely difficult.” That’s what people have been saying.

But like, my friend started applying for jobs just a month ago and got a job… lol. So obviously niggas are getting hired. Smh.

I’m trying not to let the job search make me question my entire life, but if I’m being honest, it kind of does.

And then there’s another thing I’ve been thinking about a lot since moving out.

I am lonely as fuck.

I spent most of my childhood stuck in my bedroom because I didn’t want to interact with my father. My bedroom was my safe space.

So, in a weird way, I’m realizing that I learned how to be alone long before I ever learned how to be social.

My parents had me young, so they didn’t necessarily have the means at the time to put me in activities or extracurriculars. They also conditioned me to avoid and be skeptical of other people, so I did… and unfortunately, I am struggling with this through my adulthood.

I have a deep desire for community.

I have like three solid friends, but they have their own lives and own communities. Which is why I’m lowkey grateful for Substack. It’s nice to be in a community of like-minded people. People that like to create, write, and express themselves freely.

But I know I can’t just sit in my apartment wishing for community to magically appear at my door.

So, I am working on it.

I’m working up the courage to get uncomfortable and approach people. I’m thinking of baking cookies for my neighbours. I have been thinking about it since before I moved here. I still don’t have the guts.

But I think I will do it because I do not want to live with the regret of not having tried.

And honestly, I think that willingness to try is becoming a bigger theme in my life lately.

One positive thing that I love about this whole living-alone thing is rediscovering myself.

Bro, I love to write.

I have since I was 8 years old. I used to journal my little life away and I still do. I loved writing essays in English class, although I wasn’t the best. I was so eager to improve myself.

I used to love to sing.

I sang in the choir at my school and in church. I stopped because my church experience wasn’t the greatest. I was lowkey traumatized, and never sang again.

Lately, when I can’t sleep, I put on a karaoke song on YouTube and sing for real.

And I don’t know if it’s just me, but it feels like me again.

That feeling has made me think about all the other things I used to love before life got so complicated.

I feel behind.

I feel like I’ve wasted time.

I’m really trying to use this anxiety and discomfort to propel me into taking risks. I think I feel this way because I feel understimulated. I hate social media, but I am so addicted and it’s doing nothing for me.

I’ve tried to read books and my brain won’t work anymore.

AND I LOVEEEE BOOKS.

I’m trying to train myself to read again and love it.

Maybe that’s what I’m actually craving. Not necessarily a completely different life, but a life where I’m actually engaged with it again.

Because anyways, I feel like shit today.

I just met this 19-year-old working three jobs while pursuing a Master’s. I know that he has his own lane, but like, I’m not going to lie, it made me question myself.

Maybe I’m not doing enough.

Maybe I’m thinking too much and not doing enough.

Maybe I’m looking at everybody else’s lives and using them as evidence that I’m somehow falling behind.

But instead of keeping these things in my head, I’m writing about it and hopefully it’ll produce something fruitful.

Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to be doing right now.

Trying.

Trying things before I feel ready. Getting uncomfortable. Talking to people. Baking cookies for my neighbours. Singing when nobody is listening. Reading books even when my brain feels rusty. Applying for jobs even when the rejection emails make me question myself.

That’s what life is about, right?

Trying.

In hopes that boom! Your “suddenly” comes.

Like suddenly, everything works out because you didn’t give up on yourself.

Suddenly, you have the career you wanted.

Suddenly, you have a community.

Suddenly, you’re singing again.

Suddenly, you’re reading books again.

Suddenly, you look around and realize that the life you spent so much time trying to escape has finally been replaced by one you actually want to live.

I don’t know when my suddenly is coming.

But maybe I don’t need to know.

Maybe right now, I just need to keep trying.

That’s what I’m hoping, anyways.

And if you feel behind in life, just know you’re not alone.

I have a brand new little brother.

Like, fresh out of the womb. Meaning he didn’t even exist 6 months ago.

We have a 24 year difference and I am still in shock.

When my mother told me she was pregnant, I really did not know how to react. I kind of purposely made myself forget because it was too confusing for my mind to process.

How the fuck did my mother have another child 15 years later?

I already had three little sisters. I couldn’t even imagine the idea of him. So he will be my child’s uncle and my future husband’s baby brother-in-law.

Huh?

Those were my thoughts at the beginning.

Honestly, after the shock, I just felt numb.

But once my little brother was born, I was in awe.

He was beautiful. He didn’t look much like most newborns do, but to me, he was beautiful.

Pure, fragile and untouched by life.

Just like when I carried my little sisters when they were babies, I started thinking about the possibilities of who he could become.

The difference between when my little sisters were born and when my brother was born was that I was 24 years old, almost 25. So when my brother is 25, I will be 50 years old.

That’s wild to me.

I love him like my son and a brother at the same time. It’s kind of weird.

Meeting my brother gave me a glimpse of motherhood. I think.

I am so annoying. All my coworkers have seen pictures of my brother against their own will.

Whenever I am able to slide a comment about my brother into a conversation, I jump at the opportunity without hesitation.

Guys, he literally just started crawling and grabbing onto things to attempt to walk.

At 6 months!!

I have the smartest and most athletic brother in the world.

To be honest, I’m having writer’s block, so I am using this opportunity to talk about him. You’re already half way done my essay. You might as well stay lol.

It’s weird how you can love someone for just existing and just being.

I’m kind of envious of that.

I wish I could remember that moment. Where I could just be and be loved.

I want to preserve that feeling for my brother for as long as possible.

The most traumatic thing he had experienced so far was being birthed by my mother. He has no idea who he is. He’s never experienced what it is to love and to be loved. He’s never been heartbroken, never experienced joy.

He just hasn’t experienced a thing.

For now, he just is.

There are no expectations for him to be anything. He is just loved for being and existing.

As he discovers the world little by little, fragments of his character will start to develop. We’ll eventually start identifying behavioural patterns and sticking labels to who he is based on how we perceive him.

I do not want him to feel boxed in.

If one day he wants to quit school and open a hot dog food truck, I’ll be his first investor.

If he decides he wants to leave everything behind and become a ping pong athlete without any experience, I will be in the first row at all his games.

I want him to know that he doesn’t have to stick to one thing just because that is what the world expects of him.

I just want him to exist and be.

Because that is something I’ve struggled with. Living up to expectations that people and society have chosen for me because I believed that’s where my value lay.

Life is meant to be experienced, to take chances, and to just exist.

I wish you guys could see him.

I FaceTimed him today and we played peek-a-boo and he laughed his ass off. He’s starting to realize that his sister is funny as fuck. He’s so lucky man.

I really didn’t know what to write today.

I might not post an article anytime soon. I’m giving myself time to live life and just be, just like my little brother and hopefully inspiration will strike.

Guys!!

The feelings I feel right now are beyond words can explain, but I will try.

It feels like the music is penetrating every fold in my brain, accessing my parasympathetic system, triggering my dopamine receptors. Giving me an intense sensation of excitement and intense relaxation.

It feels like kissing the love of your life.

It feels like running in a field of wildflowers in a long white dress with your hair down.

It’s just...

ugghhhhh.

If you’ve read some of my articles or you know me personally, you know that I am a sensitive girl.

Unfortunately, the world is unkind to sensitive people. We live in a world where passionately caring is deemed a weakness. For a while, I viewed it the same way.

Being sensitive sucks.

But it also has such perks.

Being sensitive doesn’t only mean being sensitive to negative emotions. It also comes with the feeling of intense passion and euphoria.

I’ve been like this my whole life and it’s so annoying because whenever I have intense emotions I always look around to see if someone is feeling the same way and there’s rarely anyone.

Music has always been my favourite thing in the world because there are no limitations when it comes to expressing yourself.

A song with the most fire ass beat can touch you and move you and no one will look at you sideways for dancing lol, as long as you’re in an appropriate setting.

That’s why I love dancing at a party or a club.

It’s so freeing.

I don’t drink or do any kind of drug. See a blunt and alcohol could enhance my experience, but no, I don’t need that I just have raw, intense and unfiltered emotion. that’s just enough.

All my lifelong dreams involve music.

One of them includes attending an orchestra. On TikTok I’ve seen these composers at live events where they compose music in real time, showing the crowd how they layer instruments to create masterpieces.

I would literally melt if I were able to witness such a thing.

Next I want to attend an American gospel choir show.

Bro, Black Americans sing in a way that you can feel the pain of their history. It’s absolutely marvelous.

Lastly, I want to join a South African acapella group.

And lol yes, I sing.

I just feel like these three events would make me feel alive in ways that I never thought were possible.

And honestly, I think that’s one of the things I love about being sensitive.

I don’t just experience things.

I feel them.

I feel the music. I feel the atmosphere. I feel people’s energy. I feel the emotions behind what people are saying.

And sometimes it’s a lot.

I feel the same way about interactions with people.

Talking to someone with depth and with whom you’ve developed a deep connection feels like crack. You never want the conversation to end.

My last meaningful interaction with an Uber driver was like this.

He was telling me about his favourite movies and how much they affected him as a person. I listed those movies in my Notes app just so I can watch them on my own.

He was speaking so passionately about it that I wanted the ride to be longer.

At the end of my ride, he told me that he found my energy so calm and warming and that it made his day.

Once I exited the car, tears started rolling down my eyes because wow...

I have the power to make someone feel like that?

That genuinely moved me.

Because sometimes I think being sensitive means I’m the one who feels too much.

But I forget that it also means I can make other people feel something too.

Another thing is movies.

I love movies that take me on an emotional trip just like being on ecstasy.

The last memorable movie that I watched was Inception and dude, that movie will literally fuck your mind.

All Christopher Nolan movies will make you feel like that. He’s absolutely brilliant.

The movie that wrecked me… I watched My Sister’s Keeper like 5 years ago and never watched it again.

Oh and When They See Us?

Yeah.

Right after I watched those movies, I needed at least a week to recover.

I want to experience things so intensely that I almost can’t explain what happened to me.

Anyways, all this to say, yes, sensitivity sucks.

But lowkey, I feel like if you’re sensitive, God gifted you with the ability to feel how He feels about the beautiful things He’s created.

Here is a video that makes me feel all kinds of things, it’s literal magic I promise

: South African Acapella Group

That is what my grandfather told me after he learned I was moving out of my parents’ home.

“The only correct way to do things is for a man to come and take you from your family.”

These statements pissed me off, but I expected nothing less. As he was speaking to me, I faked a smile and nodded and didn’t speak a word. I knew that in his mind his words were Bible, meaning, that he believed once he spoke that was it and his word was law.

I love my culture down. I am very proud to be Congolese, but there are times like this one where I am ashamed. This idea that as a woman I cannot belong to myself is very stupid to me.

We have come a long way though.

My grandfather, my father and all the male authoritative figures in my life have all been super supportive when it comes to education and building a career, but me leaving my home and investing in my own life without their say is out of the question because I would be considered too easy.

What does that mean?

If I leave my home...will I inevitably open my legs?

But when a man moves out it’s to build his identity as a man.

I’ve heard dumb shit like this my whole life.

But you see me?

I never gave a damn!!!!

I moved out without saying a word and we haven’t spoken ever since.😌

And honestly, this is the part that confuses me.

How can you encourage a woman to become educated, build a career, and become financially independent, but then have a problem when she actually starts making independent decisions?

Nobody was asking whether I was responsible enough to move out.

Nobody was asking whether I had a financial plan.

The concern was what my independence supposedly said about my sexuality.

Somehow, a woman having her own front door became more scandalous than a woman having her own career?

Once my aunty and I had one of our “womanly discussions”, which is essentially her giving me advice that I would never in my life follow…like never ever.

“A woman is self-sufficient, but a man on his own will perish.”

She followed up with:

“Biuma, you are at an age where finding a man is easy, after that it will be tough, so I suggest you open your eyes right now.”

Soo me? GROWN self- sufficient woman that I am….I’m supposed to tie my fate to a man that is basically worthless on his own? with the little youth that I have left? Hot Diggity Dog! 😅

Lord please free my people.

Basically, the way marriage is currently viewed in my culture is unappealing to me. And that’s exactly why I’m not pushing for it the way my grandfather intended me to.

I will never allow my value to be tied to a man because I’ve never seen successful examples of women who did. If I want to get married, I want a partnership. If we both have full-time jobs and financially contribute to the household, I will not slave around just to “fulfill my duties as a woman.”

I can understand that my aunties and grandparents lived in an era where the man was the sole breadwinner and women were in charge of domestic duties. In theory, those roles were balanced. But balance does not necessarily mean equality.

And I think that’s where I differ from the women who came before me. Even when both roles are described as equally important, the hierarchy often remains. The husband becomes the commander. The wife becomes the subordinate.

I agree that men should be leaders of their households, but leader does not mean oppressor. As your wife, I should be considered your partner and your equal counterpart. Our masculine and feminine energies can naturally balance each other out. I don’t see why one has to come at the expense of the other.

I just find it so funny.

I can be educated. I can build a career. I can even earn a six-figure salary. I can be financially independent, make my own decisions, and take care of myself.

But somehow, I am still expected to belong to someone.

First, my family.

Then, my husband.

Where is the part where I belong to myself?

Because apparently, there is no such thing as being fully autonomous as a woman.

Ouu and another thing!!

Why are we using the Bible and religion to manipulate women who are in marriages or who are desiring marriages?

Why are there conferences, fasting schedules, and prayer sessions dedicated to helping women find husbands or change their husbands’ bad behaviour?

Like…?

God gave you a brain, please use it.

Where in the Bible does it say that marriage is required for a woman?

Paul literally says in the Bible:

“He who marries does well, but he who does not marry will do even better.”
— 1 Corinthians 7:38

The Bible also gives us room to leave a marriage.

So why are our aunties, mothers and grandmothers so eager to fight for their marriages after being repeatedly cheated on?

What does that say about how they feel about themselves?

As God’s daughter, why would He subject you to such disrespect from a man?

Yes, forgiveness is important… but you can also love yourself babe.

Love others AS YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU love yourself!!!

but you’re loving your husband more than yourself? That’s technically a sin, no?

If the Bible tells you to love others as you love yourself, then how can loving your husband more than yourself be the expectation?

You can love your husband deeply without loving yourself less.

Like… God literally said as yourself.

At some point, you have to love yourself too babe.

More Precious Than Rubies.

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”

According to the Bible, as his wife you are more precious than rubies.

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like less?

And this is actually another thing I think about when I read Proverbs 31.

This woman is not just sitting around waiting for a man to give her purpose.

She is working.

She is making decisions.

She buys property.

She engages in business.

She provides.

She is trusted.

She has a life.

This woman is the biblical example of what a woman of noble character looks like.

So where did we get the idea that a woman’s greatest achievement is simply being chosen by a man?

I don’t hate marriage.

I don’t hate men.

I don’t hate my culture.

I actually love my culture deeply.

I just don’t understand why marriage has to be treated like the ultimate achievement of womanhood.

If I get married, I want to get married because I found someone I genuinely want to build a life with.

Not because I’m scared of getting older.

Not because I’m scared of being alone.

And definitely not because I’m worried that my value decreases every year that I remain unmarried.

And if I never get married?

So what?

Am I suddenly less of a woman?

Less worthy?

Less feminine?

Less loved by God?

I don’t think so.

The culture is changing for the better… but extremely slowly, but at least we are advancing.

If you are a woman…

Pleaseeee!!!!! for the Love of Christ.

Value yourself before a man enters your life.

If you do not want to marry, do not marry.

It does not make you less of a woman and for God sakes it does not make you an easy woman.

I started observing the people around me and thinking about how every single person in that theatre has their own individual life, with their own experiences, problems, relationships, memories, and things they are currently worrying about. Everyone was sitting in the same room, watching the exact same movie, at the exact same moment in time, yet somehow we were all experiencing something completely different.

The emotional parts of the movie might tug at my heartstrings for one reason, while the person sitting beside me feels absolutely nothing. Someone might be reminded of their childhood. Someone else might be thinking about their breakup. Someone might have just lost someone they love. Someone might be having the best day of their life.

Then I wondered to myself, what is the point of all this? All of this just to end up dying.

I began thinking about my purpose in all this. Why the fuck am I here? Why do I feel so extremely useless?

While watching the movie, I began praying to God in my head and chose to be honest.

“God, this is cool and all, and this is a wonderful thing to experience, but like, to be honest, I don’t want to be here. I don’t feel the spark in living anymore.”

This sounds like depression, but it doesn’t feel like depression. Trust me, I know what depression feels like. I’m just a little numb.

Life feels long.

Life is very boring, with moments of excitement until we die.

And yet, it is very beautiful.

Like this movie I just watched. How amazing is it that someone came up with the idea for Marvel superheroes? Like, I am literally witnessing someone’s imagination come to life. I feel that way about so many things.

Like, how did someone just come up with the internet? Like, what the fuck?

I also get so amazed when I look at nature.

Right now, it is pouring where I live. There is thunder flashing in and out of the sky. The trees in front of my balcony are violently swaying back and forth. I stood in front of the windows for a moment and just observed the scene and thought to myself, “Wow. This is chaotically beautiful.”

Life is all very beautiful.

But is it still okay to be sick of it?

Like many of my articles so far, I don’t have a happy ending where I have most things figured out. But the end of my prayer went a little something like this:

“God, I hope damn well you put me on this planet for a reason, and these feelings of uselessness will one day also have some kind of purpose. I hope I’ll one day see the bigger picture. But for now, just help me do what you think I’m meant to do because I sure as hell have no idea.”

When the very thought of the person I found interesting was intoxicating. The thought of them would pop into my head against my own will. I could be washing the dishes and unconsciously smile just thinking about the way they spoke to me earlier that day.

My mom would sometimes catch me in those moments and accuse me of dating boys when I wasn’t supposed to.

I don’t know why she immediately assumed I was thinking about a boy. What if I was thinking about a sermon my pastor preached on Sunday? Or how I would make them proud and become a doctor?

No.

My mother always knew.

I would always deny it, of course, but to her, it was obvious.

My first crush ever was also my very first best friend.

I met him when I was in the fourth grade. He was the most popular kid in school. He played all the sports, was very athletic, and all the boys at our school wanted to be his friend. I would argue some of them even wanted to be him.

He dated all the prettiest girls at our school. He was just cool. He had natural aura.

I wasn’t very cute in primary school, but I stood out. I was the tallest girl in my class until I started high school. I was also pretty chubby.

I was in school during a time when Black girls weren’t really favoured.

In the back of my mind, I knew that this boy, let’s call him Larry, would never consider me in that way. So I became his friend.

His best friend, actually.

It was the only way I could be close to him.

I could tell he had a deep appreciation for me. Not even to toot my own horn, but I have a way with people. If you know me, you know I am a genuinely curious person, and I care deeply about people.

It sounds cute, but it has kind of fucked me over the years when I had no boundaries.

Anyways, I think his appreciation for me stemmed from the fact that he could open up to me. He grew up without a dad and didn’t have the best relationship with his mother, and it really affected him.

We would spend days talking on the phone and messaging each other on Facebook about difficulties in his personal life.

I was acting as a friend with a listening ear, but little did he know, I was deeply in love with him.

The whole world knew, actually.

I remember on the first day of fifth grade, my teacher caught me staring at him and called me out in front of the whole class.

“Biuma, do you care to share with the class what is so captivating about Larry?”

What a bitch.

Like, what did she want to accomplish by embarrassing me in front of that whole class?

My classmates also knew about my crush on Larry.

Larry could tell the lamest joke on the planet and you could hear my laugh echoing through the corridors from outside the classroom.

I’m a very easy person to read.

If I like you, you will know.

I will purposely let you know.

But at that time, my behaviour wasn’t intentional like it would be today.

Anyways, I was obsessed with Larry.

Till this day, I have journals where I wrote about him. I still have the pages where I wrote an elaborate plan to come clean and tell him the truth about how I felt about him.

It was going to be on graduation day, in front of the steps of the school, and for some reason, it was going to be raining and it would just be the two of us.

I was obsessed with romcoms during that period of my life, but yeah, I had it all planned out.

I was going to tell him I loved him, and he was going to look deep into my eyes, smile, and kiss me.

I was fucking dramatic lool.

I can’t stand me for real.

I even practiced the kissing part with my hand a few weeks before graduation.

I was committed to this plan.

Unfortunately, Larry did not attend graduation because he had suddenly moved away.

I never saw Larry again until a few years ago.

I was working at a restaurant as a hostess when he walked in with a few of his friends.

Guy, let me tell you.

Larry is a fucking stud.

He was tall, handsome, had the juiciest biceps I had ever seen in my life.

Good Gawddd!

I thought he was attractive, but he literally had no effect on me.

He recognized me first and approached the hostess desk.

“Wow, Biuma! Is that you? You look absolutely stunning!”

And he was right.

I looked the fuck good.

Body was tea. Makeup was tea.

Periodt.

Nine year old me would’ve had a field day if she knew this moment would happen.

“Aww, thank you,” I responded shyly.

“How have you been? It’s been so long,” he asked.

“Life’s been great. I’m doing great. How about you?”

Before he could answer, my manager called my name.

The place was packed, so we couldn’t continue talking.

I didn’t think about him at all until today.

Until I listened to this song.

“All I doooooo is think about you.”

It’s so funny.

My feelings were so intense that I thought they would kill me.

But here I am, replaying those memories.

It feels bittersweet.

I miss that feeling.

Discovering what love feels like.

How innocent and vulnerable it feels.

I think that’s what I miss more than anything. Not Larry himself, but the version of me who could feel something that intensely and so innocently.

The little girl who had a whole graduation day fantasy planned out, who practiced kissing her hand, who thought a boy’s lame joke was the funniest thing she had ever heard.

She was dramatic as hell.

But she was happy.

Anyways, I just wanted to share this memory.

I have a few drafts I wanted to post, but the content is pretty depressing, and I am right now at a part of my life where I just want to feel light.

Here is something that made me smile and feel light today.

Hope you enjoyed.

Here is the song: All I do - Stevie Wonder

The brain and the mind have always fascinated me, mainly because of their resilience and ability to adapt. However, the brain is also a structural paradox. It works tirelessly to preserve your life. It helps you breathe without you having to think about it. It directs your white blood cells to fight against diseases and heal your body. Yet, the same brain that works so hard to keep you alive can also lead you toward your own destruction.

My favourite unit of that course was on pain. Pain isn’t an object or a thing that exists outside of us. It is an experience created by the brain. It is not measurable or tangible to other people because no one else can experience your pain exactly the way you do. We all have different tolerances when it comes to pain. Our brain weighs incoming sensory information alongside our past experiences, expectations, emotions, and the context of a situation before generating the experience of pain. Pain is subjective. It is deeply psychological.

I experienced depression from a very young age. It started in primary school, when I began to grasp more abstract concepts. I grew up very blessed, with both my parents, siblings, an education, and a stable external environment. Although I had everything a child needed to thrive in life, I was sad.

It felt like someone had imposed darkness onto me.

I was extremely pessimistic about my life. I felt like my life had no value. I felt ugly, unwanted, and at times suicidal. My suicidal thoughts were never extreme. I still chose to live, but I wasn’t opposed to my life ending earlier.

Mind you, I started feeling these things at the age of eight.

I was a baby.

These feelings intensified throughout high school, and as I got closer to adulthood, they expressed themselves in different ways. Dating the wrong people, taking stupid risks, and doing things that would trigger some kind of feeling other than pain.

Ever since I moved out of my parents’ home, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting in my apartment. The lack of external noise has created space for my quieter thoughts, the ones I shoved deep into my subconscious.

Earlier today, I spent time thinking about eight-year-old me.

What in the world had I experienced to be feeling that kind of darkness?

Why had I inherited a brain that constructed such a dark perception of my own life?

Was I attracted to pain?

Did I seek it for attention?

Did it make me feel more important?

I still don’t have the answer today. But reflecting on my childhood has made me realize how much pain shaped me. As much as I seemed drawn toward darkness, there was always another part of me that wanted the light. It wanted hope. It wanted healing. It wanted to believe that life could be more than what my mind was telling me.

That’s one of the reasons I believe in God. Not because I can prove He exists, but because despite everything my brain convinced me to believe about myself, there was always something inside me reaching for something beyond the darkness.

I’m not going to go too deep into the spiritual or religious side of things, but two verses come to mind when writing this:

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

and

“For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other...”

To me, this is where science and spirituality intersect. They take different paths, but they point toward a similar observation: human beings are complicated. We are constantly navigating the tension between what we feel, what we desire, what we know, and what we believe.

There is a battle within us.

Maybe that is why the brain fascinates me so much. It is constantly trying to protect us, while also being capable of creating thoughts and desires that harm us. The same system designed for survival can sometimes become the source of our suffering.

The reason I don’t want to live an extremely long life is because I am genuinely exhausted. As I grow older, I am able to cling to the good parts of myself a lot better. But there are still days when the darkness takes over, and I allow it to because fighting against it feels overwhelming.

There are days when I sit in it, completely isolated from the world, and allow it to take up space in my mind. Not because I want to stay there, but because sometimes resisting it feels exhausting.

But even then, I never let the light completely disappear.

The light is the reason I am still here.

Earlier today, I posted a note saying that I understand people who struggle with addiction. I understand the desire to experience euphoria. I understand the desire to escape yourself and feel something other than pain, even if it is only temporary.

From my understanding, addiction is self-destruction disguised as happiness and relief. It is the brain chasing a feeling of pleasure while slowly damaging the very systems that allow us to experience that pleasure. Drugs can alter the brain’s reward system, interfere with impulse control, and change the way someone experiences motivation and desire.

But the need behind it is something I understand.

Maybe that is what fascinates me about addiction. It is another example of the brain’s paradox. The thing designed to protect us can sometimes convince us that destruction is the path toward relief.

We all escape in different ways.

Some people escape through substances. Others escape through relationships, distractions, success, validation, or self-sabotage. The methods are different, but the desire is often the same.

We want relief.

We want a break from whatever pain we are carrying.

And honestly, I understand the appeal. There is something strange about the idea of destroying yourself while experiencing a moment of happiness at the same time. From the outside, people can see the deterioration happening, but from the inside, the person is experiencing a temporary escape.

The problem is that the escape only lasts for a moment before reality catches up.

As long as we live, pain and darkness are unavoidable. As I mentioned earlier, these experiences are shaped by our minds. Our minds create personal mazes and then expect us to find our way out.

How crazy is that?

Anyway, if you were expecting a positive ending, I’m sorry. I’m still figuring it out myself. But I have a very strong feeling that fighting for the light is worth it.

Give yourself grace. Your mind can be a very dark place to navigate.

Fight the good fight.

Thank God this isn’t forever :)

I can only speak for myself, but I strive to replicate my experience of feeling loved in the lives of other people. That’s why I’m kind of excited by the idea of raising a child. I want my child—or children—to experience a kind of love that is better than what I experienced. I plan on doing that by taking inventory of the times I felt the opposite of love and promising myself that my future children will never have to go through those same things.

But I can’t stop wondering if that is enough.

In hindsight, I think that can be a selfish way to love. It defeats the purpose of truly seeing other people. Instead, you’re looking for yourself in other people rather than looking outside of yourself to actually see them. I know that’s a loaded statement, but let me land it with an example.

My father would always force me and my siblings to sit with him and watch TV. I absolutely hated it because we never had a good relationship. One day, he told me the reason he wanted us to spend that time with him was because his own father never let him sit with him, talk with him, or simply spend time together.

The problem was that my father never used those moments to get to know me. To this day, he knows almost nothing about me. Instead, those evenings became long speeches about life, about how he was our father, and about why we should respect him and care for him because “we’ll never have another father.” I’m rolling my eyes as I write this because I genuinely dreaded those moments.

Today, I still carry a lot of resentment toward my father, and it’s something I am actively working through. At the same time, I understand where he was coming from because I catch myself thinking in the exact same way. He was trying to create the experience of love that he wished he had received.

As much as I understand his intentions, I can also acknowledge that it wasn’t enough.

Love demands more. It demands that we forget ourselves, even if only for a moment, and step into someone else’s shoes. It asks us to see people for who they are instead of who we were. Because everyone’s needs are different, loving someone well means being willing to discover what they need—not simply giving them what we wish we had.

There are two verses in the Bible that hurt my brain a little: “Love others as you love yourself” and “Love your enemies.” To me, those verses seem contradictory, but after reflecting on them, I think they highlight the paradoxical nature of love.

Loving others as you love yourself is intertwined with the idea of treating others the way you want to be treated. That is love at a very basic level, but love is so much deeper than that. Love has the capacity to change who you are, and as a result, it has to challenge you.

Sometimes the people we love become our enemies because we have only ever tried to understand them through the lens of our own experiences instead of taking the time to understand them for who they are. In order for true love to take place, you must die to yourself a little.

This is especially prevalent in romantic relationships. People are an amalgamation of their experiences. Our experiences shape our belief systems about how we should be loved and how we love others. That’s why there is such a thing as love languages.

Love requires you to step outside of your own perspective and be willing to understand someone else’s. It requires you to look beyond how you personally experience love and learn how another person receives it. You do not have to abandon who you are, but you do have to make room for someone else’s reality.

We all want to be loved, but love is work. It demands self-sacrifice. Yes, love comes with butterflies and warm fuzzy and comfortable feelings, but it is also meant to break you down to build you back up on a steadier and firmer foundation.