Anthony Fauci still has not recovered from last week’s contentious Senate Homeland Security Committee hearing, according to sources familiar with the situation.

During the hearing, Fauci, the longtime Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID), invoked his Fifth Amendment rights 111 times while being grilled by Republican senators over his knowledge and handling of the Covid-19 pandemic. To every question, no matter how mundane or juvenile, Fauci repeated: “On the advice of counsel, I respectfully decline to answer based upon my rights under the Fifth Amendment of the Constitution.”

The Fifth Amendment, among other things, protects citizens from being compelled to testify against themselves. Many legal experts, even those unsympathetic to Fauci’s situation, agreed it was a wise strategy.

But according to friends and colleagues, Fauci still seems stuck in that frame of mind, repeating the phrase during normal, everyday interactions.

“He can’t snap out of it,” said Leonard Feldman, a friend of Fauci’s for over 40 years. “I’m used to having enlightened, intelligent conversations. But now the only back-and-forth we have is, I say something and then he invokes his Fifth Amendment privilege.”

Dr. Susan Whitmore, a former colleague, is growing increasingly concerned. “I asked if there is anything I can do to help,” she said. “All I got was, ‘On the advice of counsel, I respectfully decline to answer’ and so on. You know how it goes; I don’t have to repeat the whole thing.”

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Fauci is doing all he can to return to normal life, including dining out with friends and family. But a recent visit to a high-end steakhouse elicited yet another Fifth Amendment episode, when the server asked how Dr. Fauci would like his New York strip prepared. Fauci gave the same response with which the nation has grown so familiar. Confused, the server refilled Fauci’s water glass and slowly backed away from the table.

Dr. Martin Pritchard, a speech-language pathologist at the Center for Advanced Communication Disorders, believes Fauci is suffering from “Broken Record Syndrome,” or BRS, a condition in which a person loses the ability to say anything except a single word or phrase, which he or she then repeats for weeks at a time.

“Typically, BRS is triggered when someone has been forced to say the same few words or sentences over and over, especially during a period of intense stress or public shaming,” Pritchard said. “Fauci seems like a textbook case.”

These days, the only time Fauci breaks loose from his robotic Fifth Amendment recitations is when he is writing in his diary.

In an entry obtained by Battle Line dated the evening of the committee hearing, Fauci wrote: “Rand Paul is such a prick. But on the bright side, every news network in the country is talking about me again!”

Hollywood Trash

A photo that circulated online after the Oscars garnered plenty of attention—not for who won, but for what was left behind: Rows of seats littered with food containers, plastic wrap, drink bottles and detritus not normally associated with the glamorous and self-important.

Americans couldn’t look away from the image, as it provided rare evidence that, despite many of their appearances, Hollywood stars do occasionally eat.

Speaking of Skeletons…

Jack Schlossberg, Democratic candidate for New York’s 12th congressional district, casually revealed he owns a skeleton dressed in one of his grandfather’s—President John F. Kennedy—bathrobe and hat. Addressing Americans’ concern and confusion, Schlossberg brushed it off as harmless, raising additional questions about what exactly counts as concerning behavior in modern politics.

Harder to brush off was the discovery of several other corpses strewn about Schlossberg’s residence, each in varying stages of decay. This is a developing story…

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Hitting the Mark

Right-wing media personalities Megyn Kelly and Mark Levin traded increasingly heated—and crude—attacks online over the United States’ involvement in Iran.

The exchange escalated on X when Kelly belittled Levin’s manhood, dubbing him “Micropenis Mark,” yet another example that American political discourse is the healthiest it’s ever been. The episode underscored a deepening schism on the right over the Iran conflict and America’s foreign policy, particularly after Trump publicly defended Levin.

Kelly questioned Trump’s decision to stand behind Levin, when standing directly in front of someone with a micropenis poses no threat or danger, even during times of excitement or arousal.

The 2026 NCAA Tournament bracket was released earlier this evening. Participants in this year’s challenge are welcome to use their preferred method to send their bracket.

But they are encouraged to follow these steps:

1. Send $10 per bracket via Venmo to @Brad-Miller-112 (number of brackets unlimited)

2. CLICK HERE to access the bracket.

3. Fill out your bracket by clicking on the corresponding bubbles. Be sure to include a final score prediction for the championship game. “First Four” games are not included in the Challenge.

4. Once complete, click the printer icon in the upper right corner and save as a PDF.

5. Send your bracket(s) to miller.4410@gmail.com. Be sure to include your full name with your bracket.

Invite your friends to join the 2026 March Madness Bracket Challenge!

Once the NCAA tournament begins, only participants will receive email updates.

Building. Remodeling. Painting. Burning down for insurance money.

To the already long list of things you can do to a house, you can now add another: burping.

From Today.com:

As a deep freeze envelops a good chunk of the country, “house burping,” in which people open the windows of their homes to let in fresh air — even in the dead of winter — has grown in popularity. It’s part of a German practice called “lüften,” which translates to “airing out,” in order to ventilate.

Compared to some of Germany’s other historical trends, this one seems mostly harmless. Except, perhaps, to your heating bill.

The concept is simple: Open the doors and windows of your home in the dead of winter for up to ten minutes a day. This is not to be confused with the still-common practice of placing a box fan in front of the fireplace and blowing air straight up the chimney, which is of course known as house farting.

Experts suggest burping your house daily, as well as after using your oven or once guests leave. When it comes to guests, I think you can better utilize house burping to your advantage. Why wait until after they leave? Say it’s getting late or your visitors’ stories have run stale. Open all the doors and windows in your home and let a blast of winter air rush in.

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When asked why you would do such a thing, explain that it is time for your house to be burped, then remain silent and do not break eye contact. Feeling a sudden, eerie atmospheric shift — and fearing their body temperatures may plunge to Donner Party levels — they should get the hint and escort themselves out.

For especially dreaded guests, consider opening both the front and back doors as they approach the porch. This is on the off chance an extra firm gust may drop by at that exact moment and vacuum your interlopers through one door and out the other in one continuous motion. Problem solved.

That said, do not let house burping become a crutch. In each scenario outlined above, the healthier solution is to make better friends and be more scrupulous about who you welcome into your home.

The primary purpose of burping one’s residence is to circulate newer, fresher air into the house. Trapping the bad, germy air during the winter is, of course, what makes us sick. However, being introduced to new, evolving strains of germs and viruses is what strengthens our immune system more effectively than anything else.

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This is why I always lick the tips of my fingers after touching a door handle for the first time. You may see my constant sniffling and throat-clearing as an indication of weakness. I’ll be sure to visit your grave when I’m 130.

You can’t claim to be an avid house-burper if you wait until the first 70-degree spring day to do it. Fortunately, there is plenty of winter left. In fact, maybe this weekend would be the perfect time to try it. That is, if you are weak like the Germans.

If, on the other hand, you are a person of strength and vitality – one who embraces dank, stagnant, illness-infested air because you believe allowing your immune system to skip leg day is unacceptable – then I invite you to join me in cuddling up on the couch all weekend under a soft, warm blankie.

To be clear, this is not an invitation to visit my house. Be forewarned that if you show up on my porch this weekend, the front door will be wide open.

MILAN — With only a couple weeks until the start of the 2026 Winter Olympics, and facing the reality that the primary ice hockey arena for the competition remains only mostly complete, the International Olympic Committee on Tuesday announced it will make Large-Scale Competitive Construction an official Olympic sport.

Under the newly unveiled event, nations from around the world will descend on Milan in the coming days to finish building the arena in real time, in front of spectators and television cameras. Athletes — many of whom are reportedly just regular construction crews flown in under national flags — will be judged on speed, structural integrity, and cost-efficiency.

“This is exactly the kind of bold, adaptive thinking the Olympics are known for,” said one IOC spokesperson. “Not only did we quickly identify and solve the problem, but we also found a creative way to monetize it. Everybody wins.”

The competition will take place around the clock, with teams racing to complete seating sections, locker rooms, media areas, and anything else organizers realize at the last second is supposed to exist.

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Nations have until the end of this week to assemble their teams and fly them to Italy, with the construction competition beginning promptly at 6 a.m. Monday. Until then, existing construction crews are expected to continue working at breakneck pace. However, after learning of the creation of the new event, one project manager was overheard saying, “To hell with this,” before tossing his clipboard on the ground and exiting the building.

Tournament officials confirmed the event is not expected to return for future Olympics, noting that “ideally, venues will be finished on time.”

Being captured by American forces couldn’t have come at a worse time for Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.

That is because the Maduro family was expecting several Amazon packages to be delivered to their front porch over the coming week, leaving the 63-year-old alleged narco-terrorist and his also-detained wife, Cilia Flores, scrambling to devise a contingency plan while in US custody.

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Similar to many American cities, leaving boxes on one’s porch in Caracas for more than a day greatly increases the odds they will be stolen. While Amazon deliveries slow slightly after Christmas, drivers remain busy handling returns and exchanges.

“For the most part, my family sticks to my list,” said Maduro, who primarily requests clothes each year. “They know better than to stray from the list. But inevitably someone forgets to check what size shirt or pair of slacks they are ordering.”

As a result, he typically spends early January reordering clothing items in the correct size.

With the Maduros now in New York facing criminal charges, no one is left at their compound to bring the packages inside. This became a point of contention while the couple debated how best to utilize their one allotted phone call.

“I suggested calling our neighbor to hold the packages until we returned,” Maduro said. “But Cilia insisted we use the call to contact a lawyer. So that’s what we did. Honestly, it would’ve been much easier if the United States had delayed our capture by another week. As if we don’t already have enough on our plate.”

“Or perhaps they could have just taken my wi—” Maduro began, before Flores struck him across the shoulder, abruptly ending the discussion.

At a Saturday press conference, Secretary of State Marco Rubio confirmed that U.S. authorities may seize the unattended packages and warned that Maduro’s Amazon Prime subscription could be revoked if he fails to cooperate with interrogators.

The threat drew swift criticism from constitutional scholars, who cautioned that canceling Prime access may constitute cruel and unusual punishment under the Eighth Amendment.

This is a developing story.

NOTE: All Battle Line content in 2026 will be available for free. Every article, post and video will be sent to all subscribers, whether they pay or not. That said, if you feel the newsletter brings you value, you still have the option to contribute and support our work — any amount you deem appropriate — and we certainly appreciate it!

If you are currently a paid subscriber and do not wish to continue paying, you must go into your Substack profile and cancel your paid subscription to avoid an automatic payment. Simply change your subscription from paid to free. Thank you!

NOTE: Subscriptions for most Battle Line subscribers automatically renew in early January. Please act accordingly. Also, please read the rest of this email for an important 2026 update.

Dear Battle Line subscribers — Thank you for another great year!

The growth of Battle Line over the past couple years has been remarkable, and we are incredibly grateful for the number of paid subscribers who have chosen to support this project. Your encouragement, readership and generosity mean a great deal.

Next year, we are trying something different.

Beginning January 1, 2026, all Battle Line content will be available for free. Every article, post and video will be sent to all subscribers, whether they pay or not.

We believe that delivering REAL news that directly confronts the bought-and-paid-for propaganda traditional corporate news outlets consistently spew is too important to be limited only to individuals able to spare a few dollars.

That said, if you feel the newsletter brings you value, you will still have the option to contribute and support our work — any amount you deem appropriate — and we certainly appreciate it!

One very important note: If you are currently a paid subscriber and do not wish to continue paying, you must go into your Substack profile and cancel your paid subscription by the end of the year to avoid an automatic payment. Simply change your subscription from paid to free.

Again, thank you for all your support — and here’s to an entertaining, informative and newsworthy 2026.

The University of Notre Dame today changed the title of its iconic ‘Touchdown Jesus’ mural to ‘Successful Three-Point Try Jesus,’ officially marking the transition from football to basketball season in South Bend.

The change occurs every year following Notre Dame’s final football game, often with little fanfare. This year’s ceremony garnered far greater attention, as salty fans, players and coaches believed their beloved Fighting Irish were snubbed from the College Football Playoff. Notre Dame also declined an invitation to the Pop-Tarts Bowl in Orlando December 27, meaning the gold helmets won’t take the field again until fall 2026.

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“Nobody cares about Notre Dame basketball,” said Athletic Director Pete Bevacqua in a moment of unbridled candor, still clearly peeved by the playoff committee’s cold shoulder. “Nevertheless, we take tradition very seriously. Plus, it’s not like we’ll be seeing any touchdowns around here for quite some time.”

Located on the south face of Hesburgh Library, Touchdown Jesus is among the most recognizable images in college athletics. But because the football season lasts only about four months, the mural historically spent much of the year signaling touchdowns long after the pylons and end zone paint were put away.

That changed in 1986, when college basketball adopted the three-point shot, which, when made, uses the same referee signal as a touchdown. One year later, Notre Dame’s board of trustees voted to annually alternate the mural’s title to fully utilize the athletic blessings of God’s only begotten son.

For His part, Jesus empathized with the heartache felt by Fighting Irish faithful, noting that He, too, had suffered at the hands of others.

But He refused to take sides between Notre Dame and three-loss Alabama, who did qualify for the playoff, wisely electing not to jeopardize his high approval ratings in both Indiana and the Deep South.

This year’s Ryder Cup, which teed off this morning, is truly historic. For the first time, 24 of the best golfers throughout the United States and Europe will compete on a golf course that I have played.

In August last year, I traveled to Long Island with a friend whom I’ll call “Jimmy,” for that is his name, to play the Black Course at Bethpage State Park, a public course that hosted the 2002 and 2009 US Opens.

I’m proud to report that I broke 100 in all three rounds, including on the first day during 45 mph winds on account of a tropical storm impacting the area. (To get a sense of Jimmy’s playing ability, take my scores and subtract roughly 15 percent.)

Because of the storm, finding a tee time on day one was unusually simple. The high winds and day-long threat of rain kept many people away. Not us. We embraced the precarious weather conditions. Having traveled all that way, we didn’t want to take the chance that a PGA-level course famous for this sign on the first tee box would be too easy.

Acquiring tee times the following two days required more sacrifice, namely camping overnight in our rental car in a numbered parking space just to receive a voucher at 4:30 in the morning and then run to the clubhouse and pick a tee time.

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Not surprisingly, you can meet some interesting people during this process, such as the guy next to us in a white van filled with copper wire who wasted little time sharing his belief that the 2020 election was stolen.

Or, on the second night, the four college students from Arkansas who squeezed into a two-door sedan and took turns making the best of their cramped sleeping arrangements. These arrangements included the ground, the car’s roof, and, in the case of one kid, a nearby woods. He didn’t turn up right away the next morning, but we thankfully spotted the full foursome on the back nine later in the day. They looked tired.

That weekend was a tremendous experience and one that I’d highly recommend to anyone looking to play a top-tier golf course for a reasonable price - $150 per round for out-of-state residents and just $75 for native New Yorkers.

By contrast, visiting Bethpage this weekend will leave your wallet bloodied and bruised. The average ticket price runs $750. A 16 oz. Michelob Ultra will set you back nearly a dollar per ounce. Cocktails closer to $20. Or you can “Make It A Souvenir Cocktail” for another $7.

At those prices, they could pour my cocktail into a small, white Styrofoam coffee cup most used at church breakfasts and it would be a souvenir cup, far as I’m concerned. I’d place it on the most prominent shelf in the house and guests would be free to stop by and look – not touch – the vessel whenever they pleased. “2025 Ryder Cup,” I’d inform, chest out. “Gin and tonic.”

On the plus side, all food and non-alcoholic beverages are free of charge. Knowing that, having already spent three-quarters of a grand just to walk through the gates and almost $30 more for the souvenir cup (let’s be honest), I would fast for 24 hours leading up to the tournament, then eat with reckless abandon upon entry.

With every bite, I’d keep a running tally of just how much money I was peeling back from the initial sticker price. Each hot dog would be at least $10. Cheeseburgers $15. French fries maybe $8. Over the course of a full day, one could make some real progress.

That time would also give husbands a chance to rehearse the inevitable conversations with their wives upon returning home.

Husband: “I know the ticket cost $750, but it’s not as bad as it looks. I ate $200 worth of free food.”

Wife: “So it cost 550? That’s still a lot.”

Husband: “Well, more like 700 when you factor in the other stuff.”

Wife: “What do you mean by other stuff?”

Husband: “Well, I ate a lot of food and…”

Wife: “Yeah…”

Husband: “…and it costs $25 every time you use the bathroom.”

“All this was made possible because of one man,” Kimmel said. “Thank you, President Trump, for making people care about my show again. Our ratings have been falling for many years now. But because of your administration’s attempts to get me off the air, people suddenly think I’m a martyr for free speech and ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’ is earning worldwide headlines.”

Behind the scenes, executives credited Trump’s Federal Communications Commission with giving the show a much-needed lifeline, acknowledging that, without the 47th president, Kimmel was likely mere months away from being fired. Like other late-night shows, ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’ has hemorrhaged viewers in recent years, including dropping 72 percent over the past decade among the coveted advertising demographic of 25–54-year-olds.

In July, CBS announced it was canceling ‘The Late Show with Stephen Colbert’ next year. It’s no long leap to expect other late-night shows, like Kimmel’s, will soon meet the same fate.

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To avoid that reality, Kimmel proposed a partnership with Trump: 1.) Kimmel says something inflammatory about MAGA whenever ratings begin to dip, 2.) Trump’s FCC threatens a totalitarian measure to boot Kimmel from the airwaves, which, 3.) generates support for his show all over again. He said the arrangement promises to give the pair the kind of continual attention that inspires each of them to climb out of bed every morning.

Political commentator Denise Campos questioned Trump’s tactics, considering the thin employment ice on which Kimmel was already skating. “If you want to whack your enemy, but your enemy is already lying on his deathbed, then spare the execution and reap the best of both worlds: Your enemy is extinguished and you retain your innocence. Clearly, Trump chose another path.”

Trump was asked whether, in hindsight, he believed maintaining silence would have been a wiser decision. “Silence? I’m not familiar with that term,” a perplexed Trump said before plunging into a 15-minute tirade in which he repeatedly referred to Kimmel as a “terrible person” and that concluded with, “He really has no business being on the air.”

I often hear the yakkity-yaks on cable news say, “You can’t yell fire in a crowded theater.” But others argue that it’s not so cut and dry. Which is it? I’ve never done it, but I’d be lying if I said it has never crossed my mind.

Sincerely,

Arson Welles

Crispy Pines, Oregon

Dear Arson,

Thank you for your question. This maxim originated in a 1919 US Supreme Court decision by Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, who wrote: “The most stringent protection of free speech would not protect a man in falsely shouting fire in a theatre and causing a panic.”

You might notice that Holmes included a key word that many cable news intellectuals conveniently omit: “Falsely.” He also did not include the word “crowded” and ended “theater” with “-re” rather than “-er.” Some folks are snooty that way.

To be clear, there are times when yelling “fire” in a theater is justified, namely when the theater is on fire. In such cases, your warning cries could save lives and, just as importantly, spare ownership from a public relations nightmare.

In 1998, for example, a Nebraska man earned heaps of praise for loudly alerting fellow moviegoers of a fire inside the men’s restroom. Because of his prompt action, there were no casualties, and the man was heralded as a hero. His adoration cooled within a couple days when it was discovered that he, in fact, was the one who started the fire.

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There are other ways to cause mass panic in a movie theater. For example, try shouting:

“Flood! Flood! Prepare the lifeboats. Women and children first. Someone please help; I can’t swim! Do these seat cushions float? Oh God, it’s already up to my waist!”

Proclaim these things between loud, exasperated breaths while struggling to latch onto a seat in the top row. This should effectively satisfy your desire to make a scene. And we’ve never heard of anyone getting into trouble for yelling “flood” in a crowded theater.

Even if you are apprehended by security and ordered to spend some time in a cell, it should at least be one with soft, padded walls. Finally, if you’re in a theater that is airing a cable news program, then your yelling “flood” will assuredly be no more dishonest or deranged than any of the squawking occurring on-screen.

Cracker Barrel’s recent decision to update its logo ignited so much backlash that the company quickly reversed course and kept the old design.

But a new Battle Line poll raises questions about whether that was the right decision.

The survey found that 73 percent of Americans who previously claimed to be upset over the rebrand “were just messing around” and that “the new logo is fine.”

Derek Marshall, 34, said he didn’t feel strongly one way or the other about the new logo, but he decided to raise a stink anyway. “A lot of people on social media were really upset, so I said, ‘What the hell, count me in.’”

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That prompted him to post on X: “What the [f***] is Cracker Barrel thinking?!?!?! That’s it, I’m never eating there again and am selling all my stock. This is an OUTRAGE!!!!!!!”

He later told Battle Line that he hasn’t been to a Cracker Barrel in at least 20 years and has definitely never owned stock. “I didn’t even know that was something you could do,” he said.

Marshall was just one of many who got wrapped up in the branding frenzy, only later to reveal they didn’t care at all.

During Melissa Grant’s last visit, a peg was missing from her table’s Tricky Triangle game. One cannot play Tricky Triangle without all the pegs. “The waitress said she’d bring out a new one, but she never did,” Grant said.

And that’s all it took for Grant, 52, to put her heart and soul into lambasting the old-time country diner during its attempted rebrand - on social media, in online message boards, on the local news.

“I don’t care one wit about some stupid logo - go ahead and change it if it makes you happy - but I had to lash out at Cracker Barrel for something, and this seemed as good a reason as any,” she later explained.

Not everyone appreciates the public’s flippancy, namely Julie Felss Masino, the CEO responsible for launching the new logo.

“So people think this is just some big joke, huh?” she said. “God forbid I propose something different and the whole country puts me through the ringer. So we change it back and make everyone else mad. Only then, as I’m hanging from the gallows fighting for every last breath, they turn around and say, ‘Hey, come to think of it, the new logo’s not so bad after all.’ I swear I could strangle these people.”

She may not like this either: After releasing the poll showing most Americans believe “the new logo is fine,” Battle Line conducted a second flash poll in which eight in ten responded, “Or is it?”

A viral video shows the 37-year-old Dunn launching the sub at the officer from point-blank range, prompting the Internet to debate two crucial questions: 1) What kind of sub was it? and 2) Was the act premeditated—explaining why Dunn patronized such a low-grade sandwich shop in the first place?

“I did it,” Dunn admitted after being apprehended. “I threw a sandwich.”

His actions resulted in a felony charge that could carry up to eight years in prison, which is what has penal league baseball clubs nationwide lobbying to be at the top of the draft list.

Dunn is not a finished product. But scouts and coaches told Battle Line that with a few weeks of workouts and training, he could become a solid addition to any club looking to bolster its starting rotation.

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“We’re not talking about Shohei Ohtani or Tarik Skubal here,” said Leonard Dorsey, a scout for the Hazelton, West Virginia-based Cell Block Sluggers. “But compared to the other prisoners he may face, Dunn can certainly turn heads in the prison yard. And unlike the major leagues, 37 is still pretty young.”

Another scout added: “We’ll have to refine his pitching mechanics so that he stays more upright and in a better defensive position after each throw. But there’s no question he has a good arm; that velocity can carry him far on any prison diamond.”

Dunn’s speed has also impressed scouts, as he seemed to easily outrun federal officers for nearly a full city block without even exerting himself. At full effort, he promises to be a guy who can steal bases and stretch singles into doubles.

He does face some potential obstacles, however. Prison life is a difficult adjustment for anyone, especially first-timers. The diet often leads to increased lethargy and gastrointestinal issues that he’ll need to overcome. And should Dunn want to share his food, he’ll need to learn to simply hand it over or slide his tray, rather than launching it at top-speed directly into a fellow inmate’s sternum.

It is too early to predict how long, if at all, Dunn will spend behind bars for his sandwich-with-a-pinch-of-assault antics. And if sentenced, no one knows where he will end up. But it is never too early for prison scouts, coaches and trainers to prepare documents to lobby judges for placement at their respective facilities.

“Prison baseball is a cut-throat world,” said Tyrone Austin, who coaches the Hard Time Homers in Terre Haute, Indiana. “This Dunn guy could be a generational talent. I could never cut it as a major league manager, especially after stealing a car and robbing an elderly woman at gunpoint. Prison ball is all I’ve got now, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a prospect like this slip through my fingers.”

Andy Byron and Kristin Cabot, the pair caught having an affair during a Coldplay show last month, have announced plans to limit future concert-going solely to performances by the Insane Clown Posse.

Aside from Sydney Sweeney’s genes/jeans, Byron and Cabot’s affair has been the story of the summer, capturing America’s attention to a degree difficult to achieve in today’s never-ending carousel of noise, outrage and clickbait.

As for Byron and Cabot: Coldplay to ICP? Quite a discrepancy, you’re probably thinking. But for the office romancers, the change isn’t so drastic. Long before getting busted snuggling on a New England jumbotron, the pair frequented ICP concerts as a way to blend in with the crowd and conceal their adultery.

They had even been previously featured on concert videoboards, but felt no reason to hide or duck, for they were slathered in black and white face paint.

In fact, Battle Line obtained an image of the couple from a Posse concert near Boston in February.

Asked how they will be able to afford concert tickets after both losing their jobs, Byron said there are plenty of employment opportunities for the unfaithful, such as on Wall Street and Capitol Hill.

“I know I’ve screwed up big time, but I’m confident I’ll land on my feet, working alongside hundreds of other people just like me,” he said. “I won’t let anything get in the way of my love for Kristin or for the Insane Clown Posse.”

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Cabot, furthermore, acknowledged that their recklessness led to them getting caught. “It goes without saying at this point, but we should have separated momentarily when Coldplay began panning the crowd,” she said. “I mean, we weren’t even the first couple shown, so it shouldn’t have come as some big surprise. That’s on us. We own that. But moving forward, I’ll think we’ll learn from this experience.”

That is also what makes ICP concerts so unique and enjoyable – you can basically hide in plain sight, she said.

(Associated Press, July 24, 2025): The 12-year-old Little Leaguer who faced suspension from his team’s first state tournament game for flipping his bat after hitting a game-winning home run will be allowed to play Thursday night. … Marco [Rocco] was ejected and suspended for a game over what the family was told were actions deemed “unsportsmanlike” and “horseplay.” … Judge Robert Malestein ruled hours before the scheduled game that Marco could play.

Battle Line obtained a copy of the court transcript, printed below:

[START TRANSCRIPT]

Bailiff: All rise. The Honorable Robert Malestein presiding.

Judge: You may be seated. I hereby call to order Case No. A-11982, Marco v. Little League International. Is the prosecution present and prepared to testify?

Prosecution: Yes, Your Honor.

Judge: And likewise the defense?

Defense: Yes, Your Honor.

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Judge: Very good. Thank you for your promptness and preparation in this important matter. The task before this court is straightforward: To either uphold or overturn the decision to eject Marco Rocco from his previous game, dated July 16, which carries a subsequent one-game suspension. If the prosecution is ready, you may proceed.

Prosecution: Thank you, Your Honor. On the evening of July 16, two teams were locked in a competitive contest in the late innings of a sectional tournament game. At that point, Rocco stepped to the plate and launched a giant home run over the right-center field fence. An impressive hit by any objective measure - no one can take that away from him.

But Rocco’s behavior following the hit is what brings us together in this courtroom today. As he neared first base, he triumphantly, and without regard to anyone but himself, hurled his bat high into the air, after which it eventually windmilled back to the ground between the dugout and the first base line.

Upon witnessing that action, my client made the decision to eject Rocco from the game, a reaction to what he sincerely believed was a reckless and dangerous move by the defendant that imperiled those around him. We argue that this was not only a fair and justifiable call, but the right call, seeing as how an aluminum bat tumbling down from 10-15 feet in the air could strike an unsuspecting athlete on the head and cause severe physical harm.

Therefore, we are asking the Court to keep in place Rocco’s ejection, which would include an automatic disqualification from the next game as well. We believe that, by upholding the call, Your Honor, you would also be upholding the integrity and sportsmanship that makes the game of baseball so special. Thank you.

Judge: Thank you, counselor. The defense team, you are now up to bat, so to speak.

Defense: Once again, thank you, Your Honor. I will keep my remarks brief, as I at least hope my client has a game to get to this evening. Your Honor, there is little to dispute about what my client, Mr. Rocco, did in the late evening hours of July 16. It is all on video. It is all there for you and the rest of America to see.

However, what can also be seen on video, should one wish to dive, are several other instances from this same league of players hitting the ball - though few as fiercely as my client - and flipping their bats high into the air. So what then, you might ask, separates those players from my client? My client was the only player in this tournament whose bat-flip resulted in an ejection. Why the discrepancy? My client by no means expects special treatment compared to anyone else. But that doesn’t mean we are amenable to earning lesser treatment either.

Back to the video for a moment. Mr. Rocco delivered a monster hit to deliver a big late-inning win for his team. I’m wiser than to say the word in a courtroom, so I’ll spell it out; it was a B-O-M-B! In that exact moment, was player safety the first thing on his mind? He’ll be the first to admit, no it was not. But, in that exact moment, was he a 12-year-old kid who had just achieved the greatest athletic feat of his life? Without question.

We may not all have had the ability to hit a baseball like he does, but we all remember what that feels like in our own unique way.

Your Honor, respectfully, you and I are both many moons removed from Little League. But if I may have one wish, Your Honor, it would be that, like me, your distance from Little League is solely in time and not in spirit. Reinstate my client. Overturn this ejection and let him return to the game he loves with all his heart. Thank you.

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Judge: Thank you both for your compelling testimonies. You’re all familiar with this process. We will recess for 15 minutes, after which I will render my verdict and you will be free to go. One of the true pleasures of being a Baseball Court judge is that the rulings, all things considered, do not carry with them much gravity.

[22 minutes later]

Judge: I appreciate your patience and apologize for the delay. I watched Mr. Rocco’s home run several, several times and lost track of the clock.

First, Mr. Rocco, let me join the chorus in commending you for such an incredible, clutch hit. And to the opposite field, no less. You showed great patience and poise at the plate, each of which will carry you far in sport and in life. Regarding the bat-flip, I’m noticing a trend in youth sports of players increasingly engaging in acts of showmanship that are uncalled for.

Some of this, no doubt, is due to the allure of social media clips going viral, or mimicking their favorite players on television, or the fact that every parent nowadays thinks their child is the next Aaron Judge or Shohei Ohtani.

All that said, considering this was a first-time offense, at least to my knowledge, and that previous such actions did not result in ejections, this Court finds in favor of the defendant. Mr. Rocco’s ejection is hereby overturned and he is reinstated to play in his team’s next game.

With no other business before the Court, we are adjourned.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

Rocco’s victory in court did not transfer to the diamond, as his team was leveled in its next game, 10-0. Additionally, his family hopes to be able to pay off his steep legal fees by the start of the new year.

Cuomo is running as an Independent in this fall’s New York City mayoral race, after his defeat in last month’s Democratic Party primary. The ad, in full and unedited, is shown here:

What follows is a frame-by-frame breakdown of the video to illustrate what is really being expressed:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration announced Monday that it was officially closing the file on the Jeffrey Epstein investigation. The announcement triggered a collective sigh of relief so powerful among high-ranking officials, lawmakers, lobbyists, financiers and other perverts that it produced hurricane-level winds and widespread damage to homes and businesses along the Eastern Seaboard.

“It was like a summer nor’easter, only one that smelled of hors d'oeuvres, martinis and stale coffee breath,” said FEMA spokeswoman Tanya Hedges.

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Victims of the sudden storm are expecting insurance to cover much of the costs, citing it as an act of God. Insurance companies, however, are arguing that, in the Jeffrey Epstein saga, God had no involvement whatsoever.

Eyewitnesses described the event as surreal.

“One minute I was eating a bagel, the next I was watching my garage roof get ripped off and flung into my neighbor’s pool,” said Gary Peterson of Bethesda, Maryland. “It sounded like a freight train was going right through my living room.”

Damage was particularly severe in Georgetown, where dozens of luxury townhomes lost their historical shutters and a secret underground tunnel system connecting high-society wine cellars collapsed under the pressure of relief. In Manhattan, glass shattered in several buildings as the sigh rocketed up from D.C. through the financial district.

“When a powerful individual gets away with something, he or she can produce a sigh of relief up to 75 times stronger than the average person,” explained Katina Wilkins, a respiratory physician at the Mayo Clinic. “When hundreds, or even thousands, of people do it at the same time, it can cause an unimaginable amount of damage to property and livelihoods, such as in this case.”

Wilkins continued, saying that there are small pockets of wreckage caused by sighs all across the country and even parts of Europe, but that the highest concentration is inside the Beltway.

President Trump commented briefly on the development. “I don't know Epstein, never met him, maybe once, maybe twice, who knows. But we looked into it, and let me tell you, totally normal stuff. Case closed. Very normal guy, I hear. People are very relieved. Very.”

Officials have assured the public they’ve gone through the proper procedure of closing the investigation, which entails placing the file in a weighted bankers box and throwing it into shark-infested waters near the Bermuda Triangle.

VENICE, Italy – The eyes of the world were on the celebrity wedding of Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez Friday. That is, until Oprah Winfrey marched onto the dance floor holding a can of Busch Light in one hand and a set of car keys in the other.

With one precise stab, Oprah plunged the key into the side of the can, held it above her head, cracked the top and downed the beverage in less than two seconds.

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“Oh no, here we go again,” one guest was overheard saying.

Not ready to relinquish the spotlight, the long-time celebrity talk show host pulled another Busch Light from her dress pocket and repeated the routine. And thus began Oprah’s impressive marathon of shot-gunning nine Busch Lights within the first 45 minutes of the wedding reception.

Although a secret to much of the world, Oprah’s penchant for guzzling low-cost, low-carb beverages at celebrity weddings is well known in Hollywood circles.

“She loves to have a good time, and she has her own unique way of showing it,” said fellow guest Kim Kardashian. “You invite Oprah to a party, and you know what you’re signing up for.”

As the evening wore on, Oprah continued to encourage her fellow celebrities to join in. "She just kept yelling, 'C'mon, let's slam another one!' The woman was unstoppable," said a source close to the event.

“Lauren and I initially planned to serve only liquor, wine and IPAs,” Bezos said. “But at the last minute, we decided to add a few cases of Busch Light – for Oprah. I don’t mind the spectacle; it’s all part of what made this event special. I just wish she hadn’t cracked open her first one during the best man’s speech.”

Oprah quelled any hard feelings, however, when near the end of the night she had 75 large Papa Johns pizzas delivered to the venue. After a long night of singing, dancing and drinking, guests salivated as the stacks of steaming-hot pies were carried in.

Unable to help herself, Oprah looked at every guest individually and shouted, “You get a pizza, and you get a pizza, and you get a pizza…”

“The Papa Johns hit the spot,” said Leonardo DiCaprio. “Kudos to Oprah for stepping up and being so generous. I’m honestly a little surprised Jeff and Lauren didn’t provide any late-night bites. No chicken tenders or sliders or fries. Nothing.”

When asked about the late-night snacks, an irritated Sanchez told Battle Line: “Do you know how expensive weddings are? We were on a very tight budget.”

ChiefsAholic, the Kansas City superfan sentenced to 32 years in prison for robbing multiple banks, is not adjusting well to his new environment. Circumstances that some had predicted, considering ChiefsAholic is a human-sized werewolf.

“Thus far, he is what we classify as a ‘problem prisoner,’” said Lawrence Moss, a K-9 specialist hired by the Oklahoma Department of Corrections to watch over the new inmate. “Between his lack of potty-training and aggressively stealing food from other prisoners, ChiefsAholic is no walk in the park.”

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“He slurped up my last few bites of applesauce right in front of me,” one inmate said. “I said, ‘Boy, you better mind your own business or I will f*** you up.’ Then he showed me his teeth and…and…I’ll say it…I got scared. But I got over it pretty quick, I ain’t no b****. I’m not in here for bestiality, but he best watch his back, that’s all I’ll say.”

Before being directed back to his cell, the inmate emphasized that he does not hate animals; he just hates being disrespected.

But what has turned the other inmates against ChiefsAholic more than anything else is his incessant late-night howling. In fact, ChiefsAholic has already been moved out of his initial cell, which was located next to an overhead hallway light that shone 24 hours a day.

“Dude, he would not…shut…up,” said an inmate who occupied an adjacent cell. “It was just ‘Ahhh-wooooooo’ all night long. I’d pound on the wall and tell him to knock it off - that’s not the f****** moon, I’d say - but I think that just made it worse.”

Then there was the time ChiefsAholic bit the thigh of a guard who was guiding him outside with a leash to go potty, missing a major artery by just a few centimeters. Had it not been for an alert member of security pumping two tranquilizer darts into the wolf’s neck, the guard would have been a goner.

ChiefsAholic was convicted for stealing $850,000 from 11 different banks, much of which he used to afford football tickets and fuel his gambling addiction. He used the rest of the money to build a nest. Not a nest egg, to be clear, but rather a nest that he constructed in a nearby woods to help him stay warm.

But how exactly did ChiefsAholic go so long without others noticing he was not, like them, a human being?

Four words: “Welcome to Arrowhead Stadium.”

“He never struck me as abnormal,” said one fan who had season tickets in a neighboring section. “I mean, sure, he peed on the ushers and licked his crotch a lot, but that’s not the strangest thing I’ve ever seen at a Chiefs game. Not even close. Hell, by the end of the game, after guzzling beers since dawn, our whole section would be howling at the moon - and it was only four o’clock.

“As a matter of fact, for a werewolf - and a Chiefs fan - I think he was pretty well behaved.”

Federal officials have already broached the subject of having ChiefsAholic put down should his erratic prison behavior not improve. “But we’d have to be careful not to incite the animal rights crowd - talk about rabid,” said one official who requested anonymity for fear of triggering a protest on his newly fertilized front lawn.