This chatter has two components - the words and the tone of voice. If you listen carefully you can hear both and both are important. It may be easier to notice the words but it may be just as valuable to listen to the tone.

Is it critical? Is it angry? Whatever the attitude, it is there in the tone.

What we often hear is the tone of voice from our parents, teachers, friends, and foes. Those voices are in our head so we can do whatever we want with them. Keep them if we want, kick them out if we want.

The voices of others influenced our internal voice, our self-judgment.

As an adult, it is wise to hold those opinions up to a fresh light. Listen with a red pencil. Edit. Hear that internal voice with a new appreciation about whose voices we’re hearing - parents, teachers, aunts & uncles, grandparents, friends and foes. Since every person is biased, so is every voice.

Listen to those voices with more objectivity as an adult while trying to be fair to them and to yourself.

1. Listening for the other person who seeks empathy, understanding, and support.

2. Listening for yourself to learn, protect, and assess.

3. Listening for the mutual benefit of the relationship because good relationships are correlated with a good life.

It helps to have these categories in mind when people start talking.

In grammar school, we listen to learn. In a fourth-grade math class about long division, we listen to understand and memorize the steps involved so we can successfully do the problems on the worksheet the teacher is about to hand out.

In the lunch cafeteria, our listening is more about relationships. We sit with our friends, taking turns chit chatting while eating our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

At home after school, there is usually some compliance listening around doing homework, getting ready for dinner, putting away toys, and grooming before getting into bed.

If you Google “thoughts per day,” the current estimate is 6,200. That equates to 43,400 per week.

There are emotions attached to many of those thoughts, but these are even harder to assess because most are micro-emotions lasting only a quarter of a second.

Also, our eyes see others. We need a reflective surface to see our facial expressions. Super listeners notice people’s facial expressions but even super listeners can’t see their own without a mirror.

Wisdom comes from knowing ourselves but the processes we use are crude and inefficient.

But how?

Introspection? Introspection is one way but we are biased and we can’t monitor every thought.

The opinions of others? People are biased too and reluctant to tell us honestly for fear of offending us.

The opinions of our friends is probably different than of our foes.

Even a therapist will be cautious giving a blunt impression and there is always the question of how much truth we can tolerate.

We already listen to the chatter in our heads. It’s convenient and easily accessible. When listening, it helps to do so as an objective scientist rather than a judge with a gavel.

Listen how you talk to yourself, the words and the tone of voice. For example, we make decisions in the morning when getting dressed and making the bed. As we do this daily, our minds wander and chatter away because the task is easy and perfunctory. Use these simple activities to listen to your words and tone of voice. Are we kind? Are we calm? Are we hurried?

Noticing how we talk to ourselves, the words and affect in our voice, is a great and convenient way to hone our listening skills.

As a super listener, it is wise to notice our self-talk on both variables, what we say and how we say it. Listening to our self-talk tone of voice informs us about the emotion in our words.

Listen to that tone when you make a mistake. What is that tone when you misplace your phone or car keys? What is that tone when you arrive first for a meeting or last for a meeting.

Attitude is in the tone. What we think of our ourselves is right there is our internal tone of voice.

Here is a listening experiment. Focus at the speaker’s facial expressions as they speak. It changes constantly and is often very expressive. The more intense the conversation the more expressively people talk.

A speaker’s eyes change moment to moment, Their heads shifts position. They look away intermittently. Of course, mouths are always in motion but a speaker’s hands are busy too.

You can also watch the news for the same experimental experience. Turning off the volume helps. The reporter’s face is very active and watching it closely is very entertaining.

Adults do too. If we can’t be loved, we can be liked, and being liked is better than being disliked. That’s why we spend so much time on our appearance and think so much about what other people think. Good relationships are a key to a happy life.

Super listeners notice the speaker’s desire to be liked. Being liked is the motivation behind showing off, bragging, faking it until making it, and having greener grass.

“Look Mom!” It’s human nature. Listening for it makes listening more interesting.

A child being teased on the playground needs emotional support. The child doing the teasing needs constructive criticism.

Giving gossipers emotional support is unwise. Identify a conversation as a gossip session wisely helps us listen cautiously.

There are many types of conversations and super listeners adapt accordingly.

We listen with an empathetic ear when our friend is upset about a relationship than when listening to an appliance salesperson.

We listen differently when a candidate for congress wants our vote than when taking a walk with a neighbor.

We listen differently to our parents the day we start middle school than the day we graduate from college.

We listen differently when someone asks to borrow money than when someone brags about having made money in the stock market.

Sometimes we listen with an open mind and sometimes we mind our boundaries.

A very good listener gives the speaker the feeling that they are not in a hurry. They communicate this through a calm patience, that the speaker has all the time in the world. No rushing necessary. Say whatever you have to say however you want to say it.

The psychologist Carl Rogers called it unconditional positive regard. Total acceptance. It’s a talk therapy technique.

There are special times when this special kind of listening is wonderfully valuable in relationships.

It’s not natural to be calm, patient, and nonjudgmental. It’s effortful. That’s why it’s a gift.

Occasionally, people need a compassionate ear when there’s a serious or personal issue. Active supportive listening skills - patience, good eye contact, intermittent affirmative nodding - help tremendously. Supportive listening may also entail withholding impulsive advice and not interrupting. Saying something like, “Tell me more,” encourages the speaker to open up. The supportive listener wants the speaker to feel that they have the listener’s undivided attention for as long as they need.

Feeling heard has a reciprocal emotional component. When a good listener fills that need, both parties experience a sense of fulfillment. It’s like giving someone the perfect Christmas present.

That’s why piano teachers want us to practice daily. Schedule it. Picture it. The same applies to sports teams. There are practice schedules and practice drills.

Being a patient listener is a skill. Think about who you’ll be listening to today. Picture where, think about the topics likely to be discussed, and how you feel about the topics and the people. Picture yourself sitting calmly, hands folded in your lap, breathing calming, with a slight smile, noticing the emotionality in peoples faces and in their voices.

Because brushing our teeth is a little boring, it’s an excellent time to plan out details to listen more patiently. The more visually detailed the plan, the easier to remember.

We brush our teeth the same everyday for a minute and during that minute our minds wander. We can use that time to plan how we want to respond when we listen to a person we will probably run across during the day.

Focus on one person who presents challenges. For example, someone who often interrupts or someone who loves to talk but hates to listen. Then plan how you want to react. It’s a first step, and a conscious one, to responding differently rather than automatically.

If afraid of walking under a ladder, either walk around the ladder or walk under it enough times that the fear dissipates. Walking around the ladder avoids the stimulus. Walking under it with less fear is controlling the response.

The listener is the responder in communication. Here are some ideas.

Don’t like being interrupted, identify people who often interrupt, anticipate it, and try to react calmer.

Don’t like gossip, hang around the workroom at the office, listen for the gossip, and try to relax.

Feel overwhelmed when you walk into the house after work, relax as you enter the house in anticipation of demands from your family.

Working with lazy people who often make you angry? Respond by relaxing, approach them often to practice, expect the anger, and relax again after you depart.

The key elements are anticipate, practice, and respond differently.

As responders, we have the opportunity to consciously choose how to respond. Psychotherapists choose to be attentive, supportive, and analytical. We do something similar when on a first date, at a job interview, meeting people for the first time, and if someone needs a sympathetic ear.

More often than not, listeners don’t consciously choose. As children, this is the normal way to listen. Children listen to understand. This is the default adult listening modality also. It’s passive but effortless.

For those so inclined, listen with intent by adopting a mental listening stance. Analyze the situation first and calibrate a conscious response. When a friend has a problem, listen with empathy. When a friend starts bragging about a restaurant you think is way overpriced, listen more critically and less empathetically.

Pavlov’s dog responded like a dog, on a basic sensory/emotional level. With our prefrontal cortex, we mediate our responses with language and rational thinking.

That impatience shows up in every interruption.

1. People speak at about 150 words/minute but we listen comfortably at 300 words/minute.

2. Listeners often predict correctly where the speaker is headed. We finish the speakers thought in our heads automatically. This helps account for many interruptions.

If you notice yourself getting bored during a conversation this week, turn your attention to the speaker’s ever changing facial expressions. There’s a lot to look at and it’s fun to look.