You’re bloated pretty much every day despite eating salads and avocado toast for lunch…

You have been to the doctor and have even tried naturopathic doctors for mysterious stomach aches and every test came back normal…

You have been to the chiropractor multiple times for your back pain and that only brings temporary relief.

And the worst part is that you notice that you isolate yourself and avoid hanging out with your friends, wear baggy clothes to hide the inflammation, feel embarrassed and confused about your body, and stop saying YES to what you enjoy in life because of how uncomfortable you feel in your body.

So you do what you think you should do...

You change your workout routine and get up early to run a few miles before work, try another elimination diet, you cut carbs out, then add them back in, then try to cut out gluten, then dairy, nothing helps and then you’re left feeling stressed out and uncomfortable in your body.

What if I told you that your sudden low back injury, the constant feeling of your pants are too tight, your mystery stomach aches, are actually not at all looking for a new work out routine or change in diet.

These symptoms are actually calling out to you and begging you to start making decisions that are best for YOU and YOUR health rather than making decisions based on what everyone around you would prefer.

I know this because this was me to a T!!

When I was in the thick of my people pleasing ways…. constantly monitoring others around me for mood changes, terrified of making decisions that would potentially rock the boat, afraid of being my truest and fiery self because of fear of what other people would think…

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I hope you have had the best weekend.

First off…. thank you for being here!! <3 I started this substack about two weeks ago and I have really been loving this space so much.

I can’t wait to continue to share this corner of my brain with you. I feel like I can be a little bit more of my bold and spicy self here and I love that for us.

I wanted to dive into a topic that seems to be a bit taboo… the correlation between the love and money patterns in our nervous system wiring. Have you ever thought about how deeply intertwined these two facets of life are? This is definitely not something that you would hear on a Dave Ramsey podcast… But I find that once you see this pattern and really do the healing work to re-wire a new story in your brain, the safer and more grouned/ease you get to feel about your love life and finances.

When I think about my relationship with these two, I often think about my desire for safety, security, and to feel resourced and regulated by my relationships and finances. I often think of abundance in love and money to me as freedom and peace, rather than something I just want more and more of.

I say this because… Looking into healing this nervous system pattern in my life and creating a new template was never about wanting MORE for the sake of having and getting everything that I want. What I actually want is to feel at peace with both rather then wondering when the shoe is going to drop or feeling like I am grasping and controlling every little avenue of my life. I Just want to feel resourced, regulated, and free enough to actually enjoy them instead of white-knuckling my way through micro-managing them. A healthy balance of it all if you will.

I used to think my relationship to love and my relationship to money were two separate issues. It took me a while to see that my desire to control them is from the same old nervous system pattern in my body that was developed in my system a LONG time ago. That pattern was that I felt like I had to chase after love and money in order to prove that it was safe to stay in my life… ooof!

For this to land a bit more I want you to think about what chasing in relationships (romantic or platonic) actually plays out like:

Overexplaining your feelings and sending a long text to someone who simply does not care to hear them… Wondering what parts of you that need to be changed in order to be chosen by someone... Molding yourself into whatever shape might finally be enough from them… Continuing a relationship even when the energy is way off… The thought of “maybe if I just….” then they will stay.

Now I want you to think about what it looks like to chase money from that same dysregulated and untrusting/grasping place:

Undercharging your services because you’re afraid of your client saying no... Saying yes to opportunities and clients that drain you because you’re afraid if you turn them down that there won’t be another client… Creating content for your business from a place of proving yourself… Striving to force things to work… Staying up until midnight working on a project to prove to your boss that you’re “good enough.”

Your nervous system doesn’t actually know the difference between love and money which is why the chasing feels the EXACT same in your body.

Grasping for a relationship and grasping for abundance in finances usually are filed under URGENCY in your body. The sensations that show up in your body often feel like: holding your breath, feeling tightness in your chest and throat, a clenched feeling in your pelvic floor, the background noise of your brain is a subtle voice that says “you’re not enough…” (I would love to hear the unique sensations that you feel in your body in the comments!)

The object in your mind changes (a boy or a dollar bill) but the pattern in your nervous system is the exact same.

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I think about this constantly now and how this shows up in a lot of aspects of life: relationships, friendships, clients, job opportunities. It seems as though there is a scent to desperation and it actually repels what you want to move even further away.

I know that chasing can often be very subtle, to the point where you might not realize that you’re doing it. It doesn’t always just look like running after something or someone… So let’s break it down so you can know the exact moments that you might be in chasing vs receiving mode.

What chasing actually feels like in the body

Chasing shows up in the body as a nervous system state and it’s often the frantic, low-grade urgency of trying to secure something before it slips away. This feeling in your body will often result in behaviors such as: texting first, overexplaining, staying available, softening yourself into whatever shape might finally be enough to be chosen.

Here’s what I’ve come to understand: the more frantic the chase, the less safe you actually feel to the thing you’re chasing. A dysregulated, grasping energy doesn’t read as attractive or exciting to the people, opportunities, or relationships on the other end of it. It reads as unsafe. And unsafe things get avoided and pushed away rather than pursued. So the harder you chase, the further the butterfly flies. Because your energy, in that moment, wasn’t a place that felt safe to rest.

The version of me that used to chase

I completely will call myself out on this one! I am a recovering “chaser” and I had no idea I was doing this for the longest time. I used to think I was helpful, a free spirit, easy going, low-maintenance. But really I was self-abandoning in small ways all day long.

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Maybe it shows up as reverting to people pleasing behaviors in your relationships right after you get a pay increase at work. A ping of guilt in your stomach when a client pays you for your coaching services. Feeling more anxious when things are going well, quietly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to remind you to give yourself so much grace and compassion if you recognize yourself in these examples. This is your nervous system doing exactly what it was programmed to do… to keep you safe. Which might mean that somewhere, for some reason, your body learned that staying small was safety.

Here’s the thing most people don’t realize: your nervous system doesn’t actually care about your goals, your vision boards, or how badly you want more or to level up in your life and relationships. It cares about one things only…. SAFETY. And if smallness either in your body, your finances, your relationships, or your visibility, was ever the thing that kept you safe, some part of you may still be quietly choosing it, long after the original threat is gone. This is exactly why the vision you have for your life still feels far away. Your nervous system is taking the familiar route of smallness. Expansion at this point feels foreign and oftentimes very scary!

Here’s how to recognize it, and here’s where to actually start working with it so that you can begin to step into the vision that you hold in your heart.

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I didn’t plan it that way. I don’t think my body gave me a choice.

That whole season, I thought I had “healed” but in reality I was just running away from the pain. I felt safer making myself busy, so busy I didn’t have to slow down long enough to feel. Everything hurt underneath the surface, and somewhere along the way I started believing that if someone would just choose me, the pain would finally quiet down and I’d feel worthy again. So I hid behind anything that I could… work, business, relationships, friendships. And when those doors started closing, abruptly, one after another, I didn’t stop. I ran harder. I got busier. Anything to avoid facing the storm I could feel building in my body.

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Absolutely.

But let’s not lump co-regulation in with codependency.

We are designed to move through life with love and support from others.

A soft gaze. A warm hug. A calm voice. The ability to listen, and to enjoy safe physical touch. These aren’t signs of weakness or “not being regulated enough on your own.” They’re the traits of a safe person… someone whose nervous system is calm enough to lend some of that calm to yours.

Our nervous systems are constantly communicating. Underneath every interaction, there’s a quiet exchange happening and it’s either signals of safety, or signals of stress.

This is happening whether we’re aware of it or not.

Where the wound starts

If during infancy or early childhood we missed out on repeated co-regulating experiences, something has to adapt. We may develop abandonment wounds. We may dissociate or numb out. Or (and I must say that this one is so often celebrated in our society) we become fiercely, exhaustingly independent. This is often when we push people aware because at times it can feel safer to do things on your own if you have experienced abandonment in the past.

I want to pause here, because I think this is the part that gets missed the most.

Hyper-independence often gets celebrated. She doesn’t need anyone. She’s so strong. She’s got it all handled. But underneath that “strength” is frequently a nervous system that learned, a long time ago, that reaching for someone wasn’t safe… or wasn’t available. So it stopped reaching. Unfortunately, this is not a system that is rooted in strength, but rather, a nervous system that has learned to adapt. And adaptation, however brilliant it was at the time, isn’t the same as healing.

The good news

Our brains have the ability to build new pathways, through repeated co-regulating experiences, in adulthood, right now. You are not stuck with the nervous system that early life handed you.

You can heal abandonment wounds. You can drop the hyper-independence. You can let yourself relax into the truth that moving through stress with others isn’t a flaw in your design… it is your design. It’s a biological need, not a character weakness.

Your nervous system is still learning about the world, even as an adult. Even now. And it thrives with connection to a safe person.

Interdependence: the piece we skip

Here’s where I want to slow down, because I think this word gets misunderstood almost as much as codependency does.

Somewhere along the way, “independence” became the finish line. Needing no one became the goal. And I understand why… so many of us built independence as armor, and that armor kept us safe for a long time. But independence was never meant to be the destination. It was meant to be a stop along the way to something more whole: interdependence.

Interdependence is not two people who can’t function without each other. That’s codependency… where your regulation, your worth, your sense of okay-ness is outsourced entirely to another person, and you lose yourself trying to keep the peace between you.

Interdependence is different. It’s two regulated (or regulating) people, each whole on their own, who choose to lean on each other anyway, even though they don’t HAVE to. Because it’s biologically wiser, richer, and more human than doing it alone.

Think about it this way: a tree doesn’t grow alone in nature. Its root system communicates with the roots of other trees nearby, sharing nutrients, sending warning signals through the soil when danger is near. Would you ever look at a forrest and see this interdependence as weakness? That’s how a forest survives a storm that would take down a single, isolated tree. We are not so different.

Interdependence says:

• I can regulate myself, and I still reach for you when it’s hard.

• I trust my own body, and I let your calm voice help settle mine.

• I am whole on my own, and I am better, safer, more resourced with you.

That “and” is everything. It’s the whole shift. Codependency lives in “I need you to be okay.” Hyper-independence lives in “I don’t need anyone, ever.” Interdependence lives in the much more spacious, much more human middle…

“I don’t need you to survive, and I still want you here.”

It IS possible to learn how to find safety with others. To increase intimacy. To deepen your relationships without losing yourself in them. This isn’t about becoming needy, and it isn’t about needing no one. It’s about becoming someone whose nervous system knows how to be steady and connected, at the same time.

This is the work

This is exactly what I teach my clients… how to self-regulate and how to let safe co-regulation back in, as adults, so they can step into relationships and experiences that help them actually thrive, instead of just survive.

Ready to learn how to feel safe in your body, and safe in connection with others?

Join me inside The Nervous System School — link in bio. 🧚🏼🍓