First, one of my besties, Devere Rogers and I sit down to discuss the gayness of The Sopranos, the fact that his apartment has STAIRS, and what makes a true Beyoncé fan. It’s a chaotic, educational, and beautifully messy kickoff in a special edition of “Tell Me Something Devere!”

Then Shan Boodram, certified sexologist, bestselling author, and host of Lovers by Shan — joins me for a conversation about the emotional cost of polyamory, the double standard between men and women in open relationships, what jealousy is actually trying to tell you, and the real difference between expanding for yourself versus losing yourself to keep someone.

Not ready for the full episode? Start here:

If you’ve ever wondered what it actually costs to love outside the lines, send this to the friend who needs it.

ily, BKG

The Emotional Cost of Polyamory is up now — watch on YouTube or listen wherever you get your podcasts.

Forgive the delay of this email, your girl has been moving! But I’m almost settled and back into my routine. I’ll have more updates for you in the coming week! But for now a new episode of the pod dropped with one of the funniest humans I know!

Stacy Osei-Kuffour — Emmy-nominated writer on PEN15, WGA winner for Watchmen and The Bear sat down with me for this one, and we had a truly unhinged kiki!

This episode has everything — a first date that ends over a napkin drawing, the identity crisis of throwing a kids’ party while still wanting your ribs and your weed, the friend group nickname she never saw coming, and twenty years of friendship reinventing itself since she became a mom.

Not ready for the full episode? Start here:

If you’ve ever had to figure out how much of your old self gets to stay when your life changes — send this to the friend who needs it.

ily, BKG

This episode has everything — Danielle breaking down how she cares for her aging parents as an only child without losing herself in the process, the exact conversations you need to have with your parents before it’s too late, her going through all types of therapy (art, music, aromatherapy, you name it), and the wild, iconic list of dog names she’s already got locked in (one of them is Lexapro, and I liiiive!).

Not ready for the full episode? Start here:

If this made you feel something or you thought of someone who needs this conversation today, forward this to them. That’s literally how we grow. :)

Also catch Danielle alongside Kerry Washington, Kara Young, Dominique Fishback, and Kecia Lewis in the Whoopi Monologues at Lincoln Center!

ily, BKG

Episode: “Caregiver Burnout, Only-Child Guilt & Caring for Aging Parents w/ Ghosts Star Danielle Pinnock” — available wherever you listen to podcasts.

This episode has everything — Anna naming what “emotional incest” actually is and what it looked like to grow up as her parents’ confidant, what it took for her to go no contact and grieve someone who’s still alive, work-study money saved for Ray-Bans and the class stuff nobody wants to name out loud, and a friend just telling the truth about her own life.

Not ready for the full episode? Start here:

If this made you feel something or you thought of someone who needs this conversation today, forward this to them. That’s literally how we grow. :)

ily, BKG

P.S. — need somewhere to land after that one? Natalee and I are live tonight for a Messy Aftersun, debriefing all things Love Island. Come be unhinged with us on YouTube (@brandonkgood)

Episode: "Going No-Contact, Emotional Incest & Becoming 'The Sane One' w/ Emmy-nom Anna Konkle" — available wherever you listen to podcasts.

One of the most common questions I get is, “how do I love myself?”

While the person asking it tends to be weathering a dark night of the soul, it’s actually the most hopeful question they could pose. Dare I say it’s the most important question any of us could ask; how to love yourself.

Often when love is spoken about, it’s framed as a commodity. It’s Valentine’s day, and family holidays. It’s gifts and romance. It’s a story line on literally every show. It’s a framed quotable we find in one of the TJ Maxx aisles.

Love is an integral part of our humanity, yet we struggle to define what it actually is. Emily Nagoski has one of the clearest definitions: “Love is being seen without being reduced.”

What I’ve learned over the last fifteen years of healing is that love is enormous. In an interview between Nikki Giovanni and James Baldwin, Giovanni states “Love is a tremendous responsibility” to which Baldwin replies, “It’s the only one to take. There isn’t any other.”

“There isn’t any other” haunted me upon first hearing. Of all the things in the world to be responsible for, is love truly the sole worth considering? Well, yes. Love isn’t just red hearts, stuffed teddy bears, and wet kisses. It’s how we connect or disconnect from each other. To me every environment we’re in, every decision we make, every sentence we utter is either in the presence or in the absence of love. I think many would argue that we become who we are based on how much love was present or absent in our home of origin. The amount we have to heal is also dependent upon that. Love is what we hunger for. To be seen without being reduced. To feel as though who we are, as we are, matters. The problem is we’re taught from birth to seek that love outside of ourselves, and never taught to provide it for ourselves. And if we don’t know how to love who we are, we become susceptible to people pleasing and shapeshifting to get love’s dopamine hit. We find ourselves constantly being drained, because we were taught it’s okay for love to hurt. In fact some of us have downloaded the more we hurt, the more it must be love. We believe if we’re sacrificing ourselves for someone or something then it must be a love worth protecting. But that pain should really be reserved for dramatic plot points on screen, not for our real lives. I’m not saying relationships aren’t hard, but love is a peace offering not a crucifix. To me that becomes clear when you love yourself.

Admittedly self-love has a corny frivolous vibe to it, so it often gets dismissed as not being important. So interesting that we live in a world that praises loving others, but to love yourself can be considered selfish. Personally I think it’s just bad branding. Or perhaps, effective branding. A society of people who don’t love themselves are easier to control.

Self-love is really just another word for connection. Whether we like it or not we are all connected to one another, but if your connections don’t include one to yourself, you’re in danger. That’s not hyperbole. When someone isn’t connected to themselves, they look for everything outside to tell them who they are. To approve them. Women, queers, and femmes are highly susceptible to this. Always hustling for our worth. Always looking for the more “powerful” group (men, straights, masculinity) to validate us. Connecting to/loving yourself gives you the power to do that yourself. Gives you permission to erect boundaries, protect your peace, and live a softer life because you’re no longer putting yourself in chaotic scenarios. Life is hard enough, we don’t need to make it harder for ourselves. And since we spend the most time with ourselves, the person with the most power to save us from the chaos is us. But where to begin.

I can tell you with every last breath in my body to love yourself, but inevitably the question you’ll probably ask is “how?” And that’s fair. I try so many ways to break the process down, but it’s complicated. It’s a lot of ingredients, and no person’s gumbo looks the same. Our blueprints towards loving self look different based on the history of our lived experience, and our family of origin (the ones we know and the ones we don’t.) Writing my first book was an attempt to share my own roadmap in hopes that it would help whoever reads it build their own. But as someone who loves teaching, it still nagged me that I couldn’t offer a concrete step by step. But I’ve been stewing on a little framework, that I call the Self-Love Pie Chart (SLPC).

The idea is that there are four components (or slices) needed for self-love to actualize. Some of which you may already do to a certain degree. Some of which you prioritize. Some of which you under prioritize. Some you may not do at all (but hopefully you will.) You can adjust how much of each slice you’ll need to make up your perfect graph, but regardless you’ll need all four components. Not just to love yourself, but to do so well. The four slices are:

Rest. Solitude. Community. Curiosity.

Though I don’t think they need to be approached linearly—in fact you can’t— I do think there is a beautiful cycle they express in this particular order. Let’s talk about each slice, shall we?

REST:

I start here, because for most of us it’s the hardest. We live in a capitalist society, where our livelihood and ego are satiated by how much we work. Think about most interactions you have; people ask “how are you?” and then they ask “how’s work?” We are obsessed with working, but our bodies are not. Whether you love what you do or not, our bodies need rest. Giving yourself rest is a gift. Tricia Hersey, author of Rest is Resistance says, “You are worthy of rest. We don’t have to earn rest. Rest is not a luxury, a privilege, or a bonus we must wait for once we are burned out.” I believe if you’re not giving your body rest, your body can’t trust you. It’s an act of love to give your body rest.

Rest and sleep are connected but not the same. Yes, ideally you sleep 7-9 hours a night (if you have little ones, this is likely not realistic, hence why I say “ideally”), but rest isn’t just about sleep. Throughout your day you need some downtime. Did you know that after 90-120 minutes of focus, your brain needs 10-20 minutes of rest. It helps to consolidate memory and reset attention, which means breaks aren’t indulgent, they’re actually maintenance for your cognition. There’s also physical rest, 1-2 hours of low stimulation rest, which can look like lying down, gentle stretching, slow walking, doing nothing. Among other things, it will allow for your nervous system to regulate. 1-2 hours might be a lot to carve out. No part of me thinks you’re gonna read this and execute it verbatim. The goal is not to hit the numbers, but to begin intentionally setting aside time for your body. So if an hour isn’t possible, what about five minutes? Five minutes to sit and breathe. Five minutes to walk around the block. Five minutes to stretch your neck.

If you have kids, trying to carve out rest for yourself daily might be a lot. Again, focus on the intention. Maybe once a week there’s a babysitter–can you use a few moments of that time to lay somewhere quiet. If babysitters aren’t part of your ecosystem, can you tuck yourself in the bathroom while the kids are napping and stare at the wall and breathe. It’s not always about the quantity. And though you might want the quality to be greater, what’s actually most important is the intention. You can work on the quantity and quality over time, but the intention will carry you there. So master that.

SOLITUDE:

As a Taurus, this might be my favorite. For my Scorpio husband it’s been a bit tougher to navigate. Either way it’s important for all of us. Solitude is a gift to your mind. It’s firing on so many cylinders at the same time. It’s taking in so much information and putting out so much more. And it’s making a lot of decisions, creating beliefs, and solidifying values based on what it’s taking in. The problem is, most of what it’s taking in is from people and uncontrolled media. What I mean by “uncontrolled media” is content you’re not choosing for yourself. Think social media. You’re not intentionally looking for an article or a book– you open your app and you’re bombarded with information. Some that might be useful, some that are just there to provoke you, some that literally makes you feel dumber after engaging. Solitude gives you quiet. It gives your mind a moment to understand what your thoughts are. What belongs to you, and what belongs to others. A lot of times we don’t know what we think about a topic or situation. People are telling us their opinions, and often we adopt them. It’s what we did with our parents, our teachers, our playground friends. We went with whomever had authority or with the pack. But if self-love is another way to say “connection” then your connection to yourself and your thoughts are crucial. Solitude literally removes you from the noise so you can discern what notes you want to be part of your symphony. If rest allows your body to trust you again, I believe that solitude allows your mind to trust you again. It knows you’re going to take a moment to check in with yourself. Your mind can trust that you’re gonna take the information, sit with it, and make the best decision for you.

Rest and Solitude don’t have to be the same thing, but can contain each other.

COMMUNITY:

Yes you need solitude, but you also need community. Note, I didn’t say to be around people. Don’t just be throwing yourself around anybody. Of course we need human interaction, but with community. And community doesn’t just mean the people you know. It means people who are safe, soft, kind, compassionate. Note, I didn’t say family. Some families are community, and some are not. Chosen family is inherently community, but your blood family may not be. The definition of community for Oxford Languages is: a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals. If you’re unsure if you’re in community with folx, ask yourself does being around them feels safe, loving, and free? I also like to specify, “common” is not “same.” Please don’t think you only have to be around people that think like you, or agree with you always. That’s an echo chamber. Community expands us because hopefully it’s filled with a diverse group of people and minds with the shared core value of loving each other well. To be with people like you, doesn’t mean the same race, gender, sexual orientation, or identity. It just means your hearts can rest together. That your hearts are aware of each other on some level. Everyone in your community doesn’t have to be your bestie, or people you hang out with all the time. Your elderly neighbors might be part of your community. Your co-worker might be. That stranger you met on vacation whom you’ll never see again, but you had the deepest convo with might be. Again, does being around them feel safe, loving, and free?

CURIOSITY:

This might be the hardest slice, and also the most crucial. It’s the anchor to the connection you’re fostering with yourself. In rest, in solitude, in community you still need to remain curious. Our whole life we’ve been told who we are. Told what to believe. What’s right. What’s wrong. What’s good. What’s bad. What’s healthy. What’s unhealthy. We’ve been told, told, told. And starting from childhood we adopt it all as law, because we’re being told by people who are bigger than us. Who speak with authority. Who have been on this floating rock longer than us (at least physically) so we believe they have all the answers. We also adopt it because we want to be accepted. We want to be loved. We want to belong. We want to be validated. It’s natural. We want to assimilate. We want to be part of what we perceive to be community. We adopt, and we never question. And then we get big and we still don’t question. All these things we’ve been told from generations that aren’t even alive, about ways they lived that don’t apply anymore. We’ve still downloaded it as true, as fact, as law, as gold. And so there’s much to unlearn. Which is terrifying. If I tell you to question everything, it’s an overwhelming and terrifying task. But in that unlearning is where you discover who you are, and that who you are is enough. That’s because you discover, “oh these beauty standards are made up” “oh there’s actually not a problem with aging.” “oh everyone is figuring out their finances” “Everyone has something about their body.” You learn, race was made up, gender was made up, class structures were made up. Doesn’t mean they don’t have real consequences in this world, but also you don’t have to perform according to an outdated and made up blueprint. You come to understand that you’re not alone. That other people have similar questions, tensions, and hurdles. You can finally articulate, “There are people making shit up, and I’m literally stressed because of it and I should probably relax a little bit.” But you don’t get there without curiosity. Without questioning things. And without accepting you might find some answers you don’t like. You might find some things you still believe. You might find there are some things you’ve actually never even considered. Curiosity is about always learning. Your willingness to be curious allows your body and your mind to trust you because they are both going to evolve over time. They’re going to change. And you’ll only know how to take care of it and love it, if you’re curious about it. If you’re curious about who you are.

Me telling you to be curious is all well and good, but you might want a place to start. I’m including for our paid subscribers some beginning questions from my book proposal. Like our messy bowl questions

on the podcast, questions range from mild, to medium, to messy! So pull up your notes app or grab your journal, and have fun exploring!

We can’t hold the love we’re receiving if we don’t know how to love ourselves. The bottom of our well will always be missing. People will pour into you, but in your core, you believe you’re not lovable, so you question it. You reject it. You ignore it. If you know how to love yourself you’ll be able to spot the love in your life with enormous clarity. You’ll be able to hold it and grow it. Loving yourself is loving all the parts of you shame tried to erase. All the pieces that people discarded when they shamed you for how you look, walk, sound, talk, live. I hope the Self-Love Pie Chart gives you permission to live!

Read more

this episode has everything:

a girth check that sent me into a full spiral (penis filler is real, it lasts 2-3 years, and there are hot d*cks walking around LA as we speak)

the most common misconception people walk into a doctor’s office with about STIs — and why straight men have the hardest time with it

a real talk about PrEP, DoxyPEP, and why knowing your options is just part of taking care of yourself

and devere rogers being absolutely unhinged the entire time

and a completely unprompted Sopranos review because i just started watching for the first time and i cannot stop talking about it and i will not apologize!

Not ready for the full episode yet? Start here…

your sexual health is not shameful. it’s just health. start at gettested.cdc.gov.

also — Messy Aftersun is LIVE every Thursday on YouTube. Casa Amor just happened and we have thoughts. come watch with us.

and if you haven’t yet — grab your Pro Human tee, Lollipop tee, or Pro Messy hat! campaign ends June 30. pro human. no exceptions.

new episode out now wherever you get your podcasts — and on the iHeartRadio app.

ily, BKG

What Your Doctor Isn't Telling You About STIs w/ Dr. Joshua Gonzalez and Devere Rogers is out now. listen on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Justin Sylvester came to Messy and we had the conversation I didn’t know I needed.

This episode has everything: why gay men are like vampires, second adolescence and what it means to finally come into yourself, desirability abroad and what it feels like to be seen differently outside of America, the woman at a sexual health clinic on San Vicente who literally saved Justin’s life, and why Black gays ride for their friends differently — full stop.

Not ready for the full episode? Start here!

If you’ve ever had anxiety around sex, wondered who you’d be if you’d been allowed to grow up freely, or just needed someone to remind you that your rated R is somebody else’s appetizer — this one’s for you.

Also come debrief Love Island with me TONIGHT on YouTube Live after the show 🌞🍭

And the Messy Pride Collection is still here through June 30 🏳️‍🌈🍭 The Pro Human tee, the Lollipop tee, a tie-dye hoodie, and the Pro Messy hat. Wear it to rep your community or let people know you’re a safe landing spot.

ily, BKG

“Gay Men Are Like Vampires”: Second Adolescence, Desirability Abroad and Juneteenth w/ Justin Sylvester is available now on YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts.

Co-hosts of the HighKey podcast, Yvie Oddly and Ryan Mitchell did not come to play!

This episode has everything: why dog owners might actually be narcissists (I didn’t say it, Yvie did!), a bathhouse confession that I was not prepared for, the TSA PreCheck conversation that exposed all of us, a poem about mothers that will wreck you, and the most honest answer to “what does Pride actually do for you” that I’ve ever heard.

Not ready for the full episode? Start here!

If you’ve ever loved something you were taught to shame, needed permission to just be fully yourself in a queer space, or wondered why your dog looks at you like that — this one’s for you.

Also — come debrief Love Island with me TONIGHT after the episode on YouTube Live 🌞🍭 Me and my intern Natalee are having a full kiki and we want you in the chat. Subscribe to my YouTube and join us!

And the Messy Pride Collection is here 🏳️‍🌈🍭 I made something that reps the people I love and the beauty of being human. The Pro Human tee, the Lollipop tee, a tie-dye hoodie, and the Pro Messy hat — available through June 30 only. Check it out!

ily, BKG

Dog Owners Are Narcissists, Bathhouse Confessions & Calling Our Moms — A Highkey Pride Crossover w/ RuPaul's Drag Race Winner Yvie Oddly and Ryan Mitchelll is available now on YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts.

Taylor Tomlinson is a comedian, a former host of late night, and one of the sharpest, funniest people working. ALSO one of my favorite humans EVER!!

This episode has everything: pick-me era burnout (and how to know you’re in it), getting kicked out of church, a shrooms story, and the single most unhinged hookup pivot I’ve ever heard — involving, yes, the Toy Story 3 furnace scene. You’ll never look at that movie the same way again.

Not ready for the full epi? Start here!

If you’ve ever overthought a move, performed your way out of a connection, or needed permission to just be a little messy in love, this one’s for you.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! The MESSY PRIDE COLLECTION is officially here. I made something that reps the people I love and the beauty of being human: the Pro Human tee, the Lollipop tee, a tie-dye hoodie, and the Pro Messy hat. It's only up through June 30th, so grab yours and rep your community (allies welcome 🖤).

ily, BKG

Pick-Me Era Burnout, Kicked Out of Church, Shrooms and The 'Toy Story' Hookup w/ Taylor Tomlinson is available now on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts.

is a Tony Award-winning performer, writer, and one of the most fascinating minds we’ve had on the show.

This episode has everything: the kind of cheating nobody talks about (you’ll never look at your relationships the same), why pineapple on pizza is a geopolitical crime, the “digital dementia” rewiring all our brains, why quitting is actually pivoting, and a reminder that there is nothing wrong with you — you make sense exactly as you are.

Not ready for the full ep? Start here!

If you’ve ever fallen in love with someone’s potential, called yourself a quitter, or needed permission to just be — this one’s for you.

ily, BKG

I Cheated on Every Partner With Their Potential: Love, Rest & Workaholism w/ Sarah Jones is available now wherever you listen to podcasts.

This episode has everything: the orgasm formula sex-ed never taught us, why intercourse alone isn’t doing it for most women (and the anatomy reason why), how much sex you should actually be having, the one question you should never ask in bed, and why so many people are opening their relationships for the wrong reasons!

Not ready for the full episode? Start here!

If you’ve ever faked it, wondered if you’re broken, or just wanted someone to tell you the truth about sex, this one’s for you.

ily, BKG

100 Ejaculations, One Grumpy Pussy & the Orgasm Formula Sex-Ed Left Out w/ Dr. Vanessa Marin is available now wherever you listen to podcasts.

Liz Plank is a journalist, author of For the Love of Men, and one of the most culturally sharp people thinking about gender right now.

This episode has everything. We get into how gender conditioning follows us into sex, what it actually means to tap into your masculine and feminine energy in bed (and why most of us are performing instead of feeling), and why letting go of the role you’re “supposed” to play might be the most intimate thing you ever do. Also - she had thoughts about men that I genuinely was not ready for!

Not ready for the full episode yet? Start here!

If this one hits you, send it to your partner. Send it to your group chat. Send it to the friend who needs permission to want something different.

ily,

BKG

We got into grief and why there is no timeline for it - whatever grief wants to be, let it be. We talked about the difference between a parent who lets you grow into your adult self and one who needs you to stay their child forever. I shared the Maya Angelou Oprah Masterclass moment that wrecked me - her mother was a piss poor mother to young children and a great mother to young adults, and somehow that’s the most generous and complicated thing I’ve ever heard about parenting. We got into spanking, bell hooks, and why a child can’t tell you the truth if you’re also the place where they get hurt. And then I pivoted to beef liver supplements because my skin is a priority and I will not apologize.

If this made you think of a cycle you're interrupting, or someone who mothered you without the title, forward this to them. That's literally how we grow. :)

ily,
BKG

Get more from Brandon Kyle Goodman in the Substack app

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Curly Velasquez co-founded BuzzFeed’s Pero Like, hosts The Super Secret Bestie Club, and apparently is supposed to marry a Taurus.

This episode has everything. We got into how to stay connected to someone after they die — and Curly said something about speaking their name out loud that I’m still sitting with. We also talked about the karma of your ex ending up with the person they cheated with, whether God invented kink on purpose, and how we got from Maya Angelou to scat in under ten minutes. I am not sorry.

And then we rated old school trends in a round of Era or Error!

Not ready for the full episode? Start here:

If this made you feel something, forward this to someone who needs it. That’s literally how we grow. :)

ily, BKG

The full episode is also available wherever you listen to podcasts.

This episode has everything: what grief actually does to the way you love people, the contingency plan that has nothing to do with distrust, why I threatened to blow Lyo up to every major friend he has, absent fathers, family reunions, and what it means to be held by someone who has known you long enough to know when you’re lying to yourself.

Not ready for the full episode, yet? Start here:

If you’ve ever had a friend who loved you loud enough to scare you a little, this one’s for you.

ily, BKG

Episode 230: “Don’t Tell Me You Never Liked Him: Hard Truths, Fear of Closeness & Pulling Up for Your People” with Lyo Reneau is available on YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts.

I posted it to my stories instead of my grid. Told myself it was because stories feel more casual. That was a lie. The clip was about having had gonorrhea, and I, a sex positive, shame-free advocate, almost didn’t post it. I was consumed with shame and anxiety, fearful that once I uploaded the clip my peers and the people I look up to, would “see me differently.” Deem me dirty, nasty, unworthy. I haven’t spiraled like this in a minute. After a few days, I finally asked myself if my entire brand is built around being shame-free, and saying the quiet things out loud, then what have I been doing with my life these last few years, if suddenly I can’t post a ninety second video about something as basic as STIs?

It speaks to the incredibly powerful and continued hypocrisy of our culture. One that is fine with ads of women in lingerie, dick prints in grey sweat pants. One that demands at least partial nudity on a streaming show, sexy story lines between obnoxiously beautiful characters. One that blasts songs about wet ass pussy, viral dances about leaking our sexy photos, and demands our pop stars (particularly the women) show us skin! One where OnlyFans is so a part of our lexicon they’re making TV shows about it. And even still, we won’t talk about sex. Any of it. Not for real. If there’s a discussion to be had, or someone sharing their lived experiences, suddenly it’s too personal. It’s too intimate. It’s impolite. It should remain in the bedroom. In the shadows. It’s infuriating because in the secrecy of it all, shame grows, and people remain uninformed of how to advocate for their bodies. It’s also baffling, because baby, a majority of us are here because somebody had sex. Like, be fucking for real. The way our culture commits to feigning purity makes me want to grab America by the shoulders and scream, “GROW UP, GIRL!”

I love going to the doctor. Any doctor. Primary care, dentist, podiatrist, ENT, allergist, urgent care. I love it. Thankfully as a kid I was covered under my mother’s insurance and she made doctor visits a regular occurrence. When I was in my twenties, there were years I was uninsured and did my best to manage without it, but once I was able to get benefits at my fitness job, I was hopping back on that examination chair shimmying around on that crinkling examination table paper, ready to open my mouth and say “ahhhh!” (More on opening my mouth later.) I think Oprah is why I have an obsession with doctor visits. I’m a child of the 90s and every sad episode of her show where someone was sick began with, “I should have gone to the doctor sooner!” And then I had childhood asthma, and was traumatically hospitalized around seven years old, and that sealed my love of doctors. It became compulsive for me to always want to be ahead of my health. But I recognize, a lot of people hate the doctor. Part of that is America has a terrible medical system, and with the threat of ungodly bills, they avoid it. It’s not by choice but by survival. That said, I know plenty of people who are insured, who still avoid going. There’s such a deep fear that many of us are carrying about our health, that we’d rather not know what’s going on, as if that somehow will absolve us from illness. This is especially true as it pertains to sexual health.

In the comments of my post were a few people who clearly think I should be more ashamed of getting an STI, one person even saying they’ve never had gonorrhea because they are “not a nasty BATTY FISH.” I couldn’t help but clutch the non-existent pearls I always keep around my neck. There is a continued, perpetuated, and uneducated stereotype, that if you get an STI you must be a promiscuous whore who opens your legs to anyone who looks in your direction. In reality, it could be your first time giving head to a partner who had a negative test result but the STI hadn’t shown up in their system yet.

During my first month at NYU I woke up one morning with a sore throat, fever, and thought I was dying. My mom drove into the city to take me to the emergency room. On the examination table, the doctor looked me over and everything appeared normal. She then asked my mom to leave the room for a moment. Once the door closed, the doctor turned to me and began asking me about my sex life. I remember disassociating. I had no idea why she was asking me about it or what it had to do with my sore throat. To be eighteen, sexually active, and not have any understanding about STIs is such a failure on everybody’s part. My home, my school, and dare I say, my country. We continue to hide the very information people need so they can make informed choices in the light, as opposed to fearfully in the dark. There was no way I thought I had an STI because at that point I had maybe hooked up with two people. Like ever in my life. STIs were for harlots, not closeted gay boys who just learned what a blow job was.

While these days I may have a more active sex life than some, I am by far not the most active. Even still I get tested regularly, which means at least every 2-3 months, but if I’m having sex more frequently then it could be once a month. If I’ve gone on vacation or attended a sex party, where I know I will be encountering multiple partners, then I get tested a few days after, giving time for any potential STIs to read on a test, should there have been any exposure. I also have my HIV and STI preventative meds, PrEP and Doxy Pep.

A little business for anyone who this might all be brand new to, since information and education is the whole point. Taking 200mg of doxycycline (aka Doxy PEP) within 72 hours after sex has been shown to reduce chlamydia and syphilis infections by over 70% and gonorrhea by roughly 50%. Most STIs are asymptomatic which is why regular testing is imperative. Many people, especially with chlamydia and gonorrhea, carry and transmit infections without ever knowing it. It is true that some strains of gonorrhea are now resistant to most antibiotics, which is exactly why getting tested and treating it early matters. The good news is that as of late 2025, the FDA approved two new oral antibiotics for gonorrhea.

It's also worth restating that STIs have window periods - meaning an infection may not show up on a test immediately after exposure. Which is another reason why regular testing matters more than a single negative result. But in general bacterial STIs (chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea) are curable so it is better to go get tested so you can know if you have anything, rather than ignoring it which will only make things worse in the long run. (Like on those Oprah episodes!) There are also clinics who offer free testing services, you just might have to do some searching. Start at gettested.cdc.gov.

In my twenty years of being sexually active, I’ve gotten an STI more than once and the thoughtful thing to do is to notify partners. I think I’ve only ever received one phone call from a partner and I know for a fact my body is not ground zero for STIs. I wasn’t born with a secret gene that creates gonorrhea or chlamydia, nor were you.

But, let’s nerd out for a second! Research from UC San Diego found that genetic variations in immune receptors called Siglecs may literally determine how susceptible a person is to gonorrhea. Which means the person on their high horse about never having had an STI might just have a lucky genetic arrangement. Not better morals, not cleaner sex, not more discernment. It’s biology, my love.

That said, I can muse that the lack of phone calls is because a lot of people aren’t getting tested enough, aren’t getting tested at all, or feel too ashamed to reach out when they’ve gotten something for fear of being judged, criticized, or blamed. I’d venture to say all three of those things are at play. The last one being to me the root of the problem. Anywhere there’s secrecy, there’s shame. Shame will keep you from speaking up, it will also keep you from taking care of yourself and others.

Often before testing, I might text my recent partners, and give them a heads up, “Hey, I’m about to go in for my routine STI testing, should something come up as positive, how would you like me to notify you? Text, phone call, voice note?” This is courteous and not necessary, but I like to normalize these conversations especially with a new partner. If I’ve only been hooking up with folx I normally hook up with, then I wait to see if something actually comes back. If it does, I text and say, “Hey, I just got results back and I have [insert STI], so when you get a chance, go get tested/treated. Let me know if you need anything from me.” (Feel free to copy this as your own script!) At this stage in my life I have partners that would respond with a “Thanks so much! Will do!” and we keep it pushing. The reality is I could have contracted it from them if they haven’t been tested recently, but there is nothing gained by pointing fingers when as two consenting adults we agreed to engage in sex with or without a barrier.

Everybody and every body is different. Please advocate for the kind of sex you like. If you want a barrier when giving head, say so. If the partner is opposed to that, don’t cave, you’re just not a sexual match, and that’s okay. If you want to check in about STIs beforehand, do so (I encourage you too!) I like to offer the last time I was tested and my results first, which clearly invites the other person to do the same. Do people lie? Maybe. But that has nothing to do with STIs and everything to do with that person. I personally prefer sex positive partners as they tend to be willing to communicate with compassion, which usually means they also take care of their sexual health. A person who would call you “nasty” due to an STI contraction is someone I wouldn’t trust as a sexual partner. To me, that willingness to shame someone is a clear sign that they might also be willing to keep a secret if they ever did contract something themselves. Not necessarily maliciously, but out of shame. They likely fear being judged in the way they’ve judged so it’s possible they wouldn’t disclose and might even avoid the doctor all together.

If you share your results with a partner and they start blaming you (outside of being in a monogamous relationship-which is a whole different bag) I would consider not keeping that person as a partner. The reality is, if they’re also sexually active, you could have contracted it from them. There’s no way of knowing (unless tested and tracking) who gave it to who.

I think most of us at one point in our life have been judgmental about STIs, especially before we contracted one ourselves. It makes sense, we are in a puritanical culture that presents STIs as a moral failing, as opposed to a natural risk of being sexually active. You wouldn’t shame someone for catching a cold, the flu, or having allergies, so you certainly shouldn’t be shaming them for getting gonorrhea. Period.

The clip that started it all…

The full episode…

To send me questions, comments, or share a messy story please email TellMeSomethingMessy@gmail.com

Find me on Instagram or Threads

Find my book You Gotta Be You at local bookstore, Reparations Club

And in case you haven’t heard it yet today, you are so deeply loved. I love you.

What’s good Messy Mob?! This week it’s just me, baby. No guest. Just BKG with a lot to say and zero shame about saying it.

This episode has everything — my honest take on STI testing and why you need to stop acting like you don’t get them, the story of how a white gay man tried to play me over a $44 sugaring and why I had to walk away with my edges and my ethics intact, my sugarist oiling my butt cheeks and telling me she wishes she was half black (she was very specific about the half), and my full recap of Love Story including a correction I owe to a Kennedy.

Not ready for the full episode? Start here!

If this episode makes you feel seen, send it to somebody who needs to get tested, somebody who’s been played over something small, or somebody who has also been caught in the JFK/RFK confusion. You are not alone. Me too girl!

ily,

BKG

She Oiled My Butt and Wished She Was Half Black is out now on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts.

I wanted to reach for the tequila bottle on the table, and violently anoint his temple with it. I wanted the glass to shatter like confetti in celebration of some sliver of justice for what he had done to me. For others he’s assaulted. And for those he’d never get the opportunity to harm. But everything I have worked for, towards, and to be, pinned my arms to my side, locked my jaw, and dimmed the light behind my eyes. The birthday bestie, standing a few feet across from me in a roped-off section of a busy gay club, blasting a dance remix of an already dancy pop song, locked eyes with me and said, “Hey sister, what just happened?”

In September of 2024, I was roofied. I wrote about it last Summer, and did a three part podcast episode where I share the story, and speak with a few mental health professionals about the aftermath. For the purposes of this entry, I’ll give you the cliff notes.

Due to the heavy adulting my friends and I have been doing, it had been nearly impossible to get all of us in the same room together. Me being a type-A planning guru, decided to take charge by texting everyone weeks before a queer party in early September, suggesting the boys should have a “Girl’s Night!”

When the evening arrived, we pre-gamed together, before calling an Uber XL to a venue downtown. We stepped out of the black SUV close to 1am, and a few minutes after grabbing drinks, the most stunning man approached us. He was a literal Adonis. Chiseled body, broad shoulders, 6’2 maybe 6’3, bald head.

To be honest, at first I wasn’t interested in him as I’d seen him at another party once and he was stand off-ish. But this evening he was very chatty. Very smiley. My friends seemed to like him, maybe even know him, so I softened.

He introduced himself to me as ****d. After a drink or two, we started dancing and I learned he lived out of town, but periodically comes to Los Angeles to see friends. He also had a 7:30am flight, which was only a handful of hours away. I respect the stamina of the gays who can party and then roll right to the airport. I need my seven hours (AND I’m also gonna sleep the whole plane ride. Period.)

As the night got later most of my friends had decided to call it leaving ****d and I by ourselves. I was attracted to him, and incredibly horny, so I was down to keep dancing and making out. I offered to buy him a drink and once we had them, I made another offer. To give him head in the dark room. We smiled at each other and made our way with the same enthusiasm of Elphaba and Glinda going to the Emerald City. Except instead of a city made of green gems, it was a tented off corner of the warehouse where not even the colorful lights from the party could seep through. It was pitch black, lined with body heat and a cacophony of ass.

We managed to only get about two feet in before we realized that it would be impossible to go any further with the amount of people. So we set ourselves up next to what looked like a stage block. I was hyper aware of the surroundings, and could hear my mother’s stern voice heeding, “watch your cup!” I made sure mine (which had a straw) and ****d’s (which didn’t) was on the floor beside me. It was so dark I could barely see them, but I knew on the off chance that someone tried to reach for them, they’d have to touch my leg to do so. Once we were situated, ****d unzipped his pants and I clocked in for my shift.

At some point while I was giving him head he reached down for his cup, then both of his hands went above my head. He appeared to be fidgeting with his drink, which I thought was fair considering it was so dark. Then one of his hands came down as he presented the cup in front of my face. It had a straw. Clearly it was my drink, but I didn’t think anything of it. I was sucking his dick, who cares if we drink from each other’s cups.

As I took a sip, ****d said, “I put something in it.” I assumed he was going to say, “electrolytes.” I know, I know. Girl, I know. But in my mind, what else would this man be putting in my drink? Especially considering that I’m already sucking his dick

He responded, “I put a little Bill Cosby.”

It’s worth nothing, it was the second time he had brought up Bill Cosby. The first time was on the dance floor with the group. The party had shroom drinks that one friend brought over to try. ****d expressed concern that someone could “Bill Cosby it.” It was unclear if he was serious, or saying it in jest, but as a group, already under the influence, we didn’t pay it much attention. In fact I just responded with something like, “No, that’s not what this is.” Now here I am two hours later, on my knees, and he’s saying that he “put a little Bill Cosby” in my drink. I stopped mid sip, looked up, and searched his eyes for anything that would say, “I’m just kidding, it’s electrolytes.” There was nothing, so I smiled and asked, “What does that mean?” He replied, “It means, you’ll have a good time, but you won’t remember it.” I searched his eyes again, but his tone was all the confirmation I needed to know that I was in danger.

As I shared on the podcast, I got away from him, but then he found me again, took me into the dark room, and pulled down my pants, when my phone started to light up with a call from my friend. I used it as a way to get out of the venue and get home, where ultimately I did lose my balance walking from my kitchen back into the living room, only to wake up a few hours later around 8am on my couch.

My body went cold thinking of what could have happened if things had gone according to *****d’s sinister plan. I would have woken up somewhere unknown, and he would have been on a flight. Had he not told me (which I think must be part of what gets him off) I would have remembered consensually sucking his dick, and assumed I had too much to drink. (I also think he thought I drank more than I did, before he revealed what he had done. I owe a bit of gratitude for that straw slowing my drinking down to a sipping speed.)

A week later, I went to the doctor for my PrEP check up, and by that point it was too late to test if there was anything in my system, but of course there was.

That brings us to last weekend.

On Saturday, I got to the gym early, wearing my crop top, and black Nike shorts. I posted up on the stretch mat, and began doing my hip openers. As I switched legs, a man I’d never seen at the gym before wearing a hat started walking up the corridor to the locker room beyond the mats. He was built in a stature that would usually make me perk up with attraction, but my body was cold. As he got closer I could see him actively covering his face. He walked right by me, and headed to the locker room. I shrugged it off. On his way back from the locker room, he walked by me again, and as he looked back I could see his face. My body buzzed in an instinctual way. I still wasn’t 100% sure it was ****d, but my body was.

About fifteen minutes later, I moved to the main floor of the gym to begin my cardio on the stair stepper. The way the stair steppers are positioned, you can see the entire gym floor. I watched as this tall figure with a hat moved through the space, and I became certain it was him.

I recognized his gait from watching him move through the crowd of party goers looking for me as I hid among them on the dance floor. I remember when through the sea of people, he locked eyes with me, and stepped back into the shadows of the dance floor like a vulture waiting for his prey to drop. It’s him. At my gym. But instead of vulture eyes, he’s charming. Getting stopped by supposed friends or acquaintances. Flashing a smile that would make any dentist swoon. I see him embracing people at the gym that even I know, like some sort of hometown celebrity being gifted a key to the city.

I watched as he moved from the cable machine, to the squat rack, to the leg press, undetected for the rapist he is.

I wanted to scream from my stair stepper revealing what he’s done. But with what proof? My word against his. And would anyone care about a sexual assault claim between two Black gay men? Sadly, I don’t have to tell you the answer to that.

So I just focused on my workout. But with each rep my brain would wander to rage fantasies. Pushing him underneath the bar he was squatting. Bashing his knee with a dumbbell. Putting my boxing lessons to use, and railing on his face by the treadmills. This is unlike me. I literally have a stuffed Barney doll sitting by my altar. I sign off my podcast by saying, “and just in case you haven’t heard it yet today, you are so deeply loved.” I won’t watch horror movies, or anything with a lot of violence because I get nightmares. Yet here I am wanting to leap across the gym and attack him like a wild animal.

At one point I was doing battle ropes, and he came and used a machine right next to me. I took a breath. I wasn’t going to let him have control over me. Especially not with his calculated move for attempted power. I roped harder, and within a minute he left the machine.

When I went back to the locker room, he was there in a towel, laughing it up with someone else. I’d reached my limit. Though I usually steam and shower at the gym, I wasn’t going to be naked anywhere near him.

At home, I fell asleep on the couch for a few hours. No doubt emotionally exhausted. Around 11, I headed to a late night birthday party in WeHo, ready to forget the morning I had. I arrived to my friends set up at a table, behind a VIP rope, and staff marching in with sparklers and bottles while singing “Happy Birthday.” Then they set up the table with a tequila bottle in a bucket of ice, and four glass canisters with different mixers. The birthday bestie began handing out Tequila pineapples. Halfway through my second drink, ****d walked by our table in a crispy white shirt, towards the bathroom. The light in my eyes went out. The birthday bestie said “Hey sister, what just happened?” I told them, and along with another friend, we walked to the bathroom, and I pointed to him standing at an ATM with his back to us. My friend told me to go back to the table. I didn’t want to, but I knew if ****d turned around and looked at me, the tequila in my system along with the thirst for justice would make for a gnarly combination. I trust my sisters, so I went back to the table while they alerted security and staff.

About ten minutes later, we were all at the table, when six new gays joined the festivities, and trailing behind them was ****d. What the literal fuck? The only thing separating me from him now was a decorative palm tree. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t nervous. I was enraged. I wanted him to get just a touch closer so I could unleash my fury based on reality TV show rules of you can only hit them if they hit you first. I didn’t need a hit, I just needed his shoulder to graze the side of mine. As I waited patiently, I couldn’t stop thinking about all the people he’s already harmed, and who he was probably on the prowl for that night. My rage continued to grow, and it was probably reading on my face because the security guard who had stationed himself at our section, stepped over the rope to reassure us that as long as ****d was in the club he’d be standing by. Then in kindness and solidarity the security guard said, “I see the way you’re looking at the bottles, but I gotchu.”

A few minutes later ****d walked away from our table, and security confirmed he left the building. A win for me, but where was he off to next? Who would he try to, “Bill Cosby?”

In so many ways both the original experience, and perhaps even more so the double run ins last weekend have left me so disillusioned. I’m Black and queer in America, I’ve had my kumbaya bubble burst more times than I can count. But I’m still left in awe of how awful, inhumane, and evil some people can truly be. My soul never ceases to be amazed. Perhaps because I’m surrounded by so many loving individuals, when something cruel happens it shocks my nervous system, rendering me speechless as if I’m strapped into a car that’s been pummeled and finds itself flipping in the air, bracing for a fatal impact.

Healing is a tricky muthafucker. You don’t really know where you are on your journey until you’re presented with a trigger. I was caught off guard by ****d’s presence. I didn’t even realize there were things I still felt so viscerally. I thought it was in the rear view mirror. But that was silly of me because healing never ends.

When we say we’ve healed, I think we’re telling ourselves a lie to feel better. To understandably take back the power we were robbed of. Even to perhaps proverbially close a chapter. But the truth is our power resides in knowing that the healing will be ongoing. You can move forward, but there’s no award for being “over” a thing.

I’ll never be over what happened to me. I’ll never be fine with it. I’ll never be okay with it. But I can live with it. When confronted, I’m gonna have some complicated feelings, but I also have the tools to navigate it.

At the gym I texted my friends immediately once I realized it was him in the hat. I spoke to my mentors about it. I talked it out with my therapist. I used every wellness resource at my disposal, including writing this post, to continue moving forward. To keep my power strapped to my breast.

I know I’d never get to the point of picking up a bottle because I continue to deal with my feelings. Because I continue to engage in the healing. But healing doesn’t mean the fantasies won’t happen. There’s a version of me that might have judged myself for the amount of rage running through my veins. Might have latched onto a distant Bible verse from my Grandmother’s mouth about turning the other cheek or forgiveness. But I prefer this quote by Dr. Orna of the show Couples’ Therapy, “I don’t feel called to empathy at this point.”

I know there are scenarios where we don’t have to “be the bigger person.” Where we don’t have to excuse our rage. We may not be able to act on it, but we certainly get to feel it.

To anyone who has been violated, and felt that you needed to swallow it, “get over it”, or forget it, please know your rage is valid and important. Don’t hold it. Feel it safely with the people in your life who love you.

To send me questions, comments, or share a messy story please email TellMeSomethingMessy@gmail.com

Find me on Instagram or Threads

Find my book You Gotta Be You at local bookstore, Reparations Club

And in case you haven’t heard it yet today, you are so deeply loved. I love you.

Nithya Raman is a Los Angeles City Council member, a mayoral candidate, and one of the most wonderful humans I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing! This episode has everything.

A cold open built on an internet lie. Mom ideology as a political philosophy. The LA City Council leak that ended up on the front page of the New York Times, and why Nithya says her experience of it was the smallest part of the story. A game built around baseball terminology neither of us understands. And a conversation about power, care, and what it actually means to love a city.

Not ready for the full episode? Start here!

If you’ve ever thought politics had nothing to do with you, this episode is going to change that. Send it to someone who needs to hear it.

ily,

BKG

Episode 228: “Mom Ideology” with Nithya Raman is available on YouTube and wherever you listen to podcasts.