Brittany Schmitt

Do I Want To Die or Is It Just a Full Moon Again?

Brittany Schmitt — Wed, 02 Sep 2026 00:18:28 GMT

It’s hard to cry on a bicycle, but not impossible. I did it today. Bikes are meant to make you focus on staying upright, seeing the world around you, and not falling to your death. When my sister ask…

Friend Count: 3, 2, 1…

Brittany Schmitt — Sun, 30 Aug 2026 22:59:04 GMT

Loss is a strange thing that in its moment can feel catastrophic, but in hindsight can, and usually always is, a clearing for something bigger. There’s no loss I’ve experienced in this life that hasn…

An Update

Brittany Schmitt — Wed, 19 Aug 2026 03:18:48 GMT

My heart feels hollow and whole all at once. That’s contradictory, I know, but let me explain.

If I died tomorrow, I would have had a full and complete life. I would have loved madly, stupidly and wi…

My iPad is Dying and So Am I

Brittany Schmitt — Wed, 19 Aug 2026 01:49:05 GMT

I wanted to write a Substack but my iPad is at 14%, as is my soul. I’ve been falling asleep with my arms above my head lately, as if I’m preparing to be arrested in my dreams. What happens instead is…

An Unceremonious Relapse

Brittany Schmitt — Sun, 16 Aug 2026 18:28:53 GMT

Nine years. I hadn’t drank in nine years. I’d gotten through the hardest moments of my life sober: divorce, the death of my dog, relationships ending before their time, cross-country moves, friendshi…

I Lost a Diamond. And My Mind.

Brittany Schmitt — Thu, 13 Aug 2026 20:11:35 GMT

I felt it hit my hand before it fell onto the New York City streets, which are always impossibly wet and smelly this time of year. The city smells of curry and shit and hope and desperation all at on…

Home

Brittany Schmitt — Mon, 27 Jul 2026 21:04:27 GMT

Maybe I’ve never had one. A home. Maybe I’ve felt a little lost everywhere I am. Maybe I always knew that if beautiful walls surrounded me, but there was chaos within, there was no point in yearning …

It’s a Godless Land

Brittany Schmitt — Thu, 23 Jul 2026 23:08:11 GMT

I have two styes. One in each eye. My faith in God is dwindling, but my faith that someone malevolent has my voodoo doll has never been higher. I wish they would take my eyeballs out of the microwave…

The Boy Who Caught a Firefly

Brittany Schmitt — Sat, 11 Jul 2026 13:34:09 GMT

Once upon a time, there was a little boy, with flowing brown hair and big slate grey eyes that morphed with his surroundings. Sometimes they were green, like the money his dad counted in his living r…

Being Alive is Embarrassing

Brittany Schmitt — Fri, 10 Jul 2026 23:58:01 GMT

Duvets were made to embarrass us as a species. As I slouch naked in my kitchen trying to untangle my damp duvet that knotted itself tighter than Stephan Hawking’s jaw, I think to myself, “is this it?…

It’s Not Goodbye, It’s See Ya Later: LA

Brittany Schmitt — Thu, 22 Jan 2026 16:41:19 GMT

I sit here on the roof of Petite Ermitage. It’s officially my last day as an LA resident. The skies are a gradient pink and I’m looking at a faded neon sign that ‘says see you on the other side’. It …

Unpopular Opinion: Is Italy Kinda a Dump?

Brittany Schmitt — Thu, 22 Jan 2026 15:15:16 GMT

In all of my adult life, I’ve evaded getting catfished, until now. I’ve officially been catfished and the culprit is Italian. Let’s get into it.

After I shot my last special, Sorry Dad, my boyfriend -…

Fine, I’ll Be Honest: I Fell in Love.

Brittany Schmitt — Tue, 21 Oct 2025 05:55:51 GMT

You guys, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart I’ve been an absentee parent. I can give you a million different excuses of what’s been going on in my life, but if I’m honest: I fell in love. I’v…

If life is so short, why does it feel so painfully long?

Brittany Schmitt — Tue, 21 Oct 2025 05:13:51 GMT

I feel a familiar heaviness right now. Like there’s a herd of cows awaiting slaughter on my chest. I was just home (in Wisconsin) for three long, beautiful, exhausting, confronting weeks. My dad need…

Frenchy

Brittany Schmitt — Mon, 30 Jun 2025 18:23:09 GMT

Frenchy and I matched on Hinge. He’s 6’ 4”, mixed race and looked like he could have been AI he was so beautiful. He also texted like he could have been AI. He didn’t say much other than “Wyd? Let’s …

Sorry I abandoned you, are you horny?

Brittany Schmitt — Wed, 25 Jun 2025 17:53:14 GMT

I’m sitting here in my room. It’s dark, I’m huffing down the intoxicating scent of a Santal 26 candle. It’s 10:21 am. The sun is trying to peek through my blackout curtains but I won’t let it. I don’…

For My Worsties

Brittany Schmitt — Wed, 04 Jun 2025 18:08:31 GMT

I didn’t want to wake up this morning to the heartbreak that would surround the podcast going on a pause. While I fight back tears, I tell myself, “It’s just a podcast.” But it was so much more than …

MisMATCHED! Josè

Brittany Schmitt — Sat, 17 May 2025 20:56:05 GMT

Josè had a classic Mexican name, which was confusing mostly because he’s an Asian man with a black dick. Fucking him felt like clocking in at the United Nations, he made my pussy cultured. Not like a…

A Casual Friday Night Heartbreak

Brittany Schmitt — Sat, 10 May 2025 05:03:18 GMT

I’m home for a week. I was scared to be here for a whole week. I am going to visit my mom’s crypt tomorrow for the first time since we threw her in there. She had a pink urn. Baby pink. An ironic sof…

Home (Bitter)Sweet Home

Brittany Schmitt — Fri, 09 May 2025 04:24:58 GMT

I’m home. Wisconsin. The stomping ground of my trauma. I look around at the dull, vast nothingness. Spring is trying its best, but the random cold spells keep the foliage from budding. The cold keeps…