Such an ugly word, but it's all too common in my life. There are just so many things I can't imagine myself doing.

Not because I don't want to. I really wish I could do some of these things. The problem is…

I can't.

The first time I heard Uncle Jonathan talk about running, I sat listening to him with a calm face, but my mind was spinning.

A marathon during inter house sports in secondary school was 1,600 meters. That was reserved for the strongest runners in school. I never made any of the running teams, talk way less of the marathon.

But this man was talking about kilometers. And not single digit kilometers, mind you.

My first thought was…

Wow. That's cool he can run that far, but count me out. I can't do it. I'd die along the way for absolutely sure.

10 kilometers? That's insane.

More than that? That's impossible.

One day, I made a mistake. After sitting next to Uncle Jonathan for a few weeks, I started thinking about it.

I play football. I'm a sportsman. Surely I can run 5km at least?

And that, my friend, was how I agreed to follow him to the run club one Saturday in August.

When I got there, the minimum distance was 10km. Run out 5km and back to make the full distance. In the words of my wife, you guys!!!!

I know I could've stuck to my guns and insisted on running 5km, but…

Damn you, peer pressure.

So I laced my shoes and set out with the pack. Now for a bit of honesty…

I almost died, guy.

You know that trend where someone tries to do something, succeeds, then turns back to see their body on the floor? That was me, man. Every single organ in my body made sure I knew what a foolish decision I had made.

I ran, walked, ran again, walked again. Gave up, kept going because I had no choice. Somehow, I made it to the end.

Once at the end, everything changed.

Uncle Jonathan’s excitement was so electric it could power a small city. Everyone around was congratulating me on finishing my first run. In between the high fives and smiles, I couldn't stop thinking.

I had just done the impossible!

It's been about a year since that. Now when I talk about a 10km run, I'm tempted to say just.

Oh the audacity of man. Just a 10K?

One year ago it was impossible. Now, it's just a 10K.

It's magical when you see your body doing something you never thought possible.

Jonathan Hussaini

Doing the impossible is an incredible feeling. At that point, the world is at your feet. It doesn't matter that other people have done it better.

It only matters that you've done it.

And the thing about doing the impossible is that the ceiling has been shattered. In that moment of triumph especially, the word impossible does not exist.

And while you believe everything is possible, there’s hardly anything you can't do.

It's easy to say all things are possible. Even easier to say with God, all things are possible.

Following through is a different matter.

If you truly believe it's possible to achieve your wildest dreams, I mean really believe, you would lock right in.

So we may say it, but we don't really believe it. And I don't blame any of us. It's really not our fault. This is how we're wired.

To always see the ceiling.

Don't be frustrated. It happens.

But once you actually take a step and do the impossible, everything changes. Now you start to question other things you thought were impossible.

I’m sure I can't do this, but I was also convinced beyond doubt that I couldn't run 10km.

So what if I actually can?

It's not always immediate. Sometimes we have to do the impossible a few times to start questioning things.

After I finished the 10km run, I still thought 15km would be too far. Then I did it. And I thought 21km would be too far. Then I did that too.

Yesterday, I earned my first 30km medal.

Trust me. I almost died on the way. I questioned myself. I swore at myself. But I did it.

I did the impossible.

And if I can run impossible distances, is there a chance I can do other impossible things too?

Remember. This has nothing to do with what others are doing. It's all about what I believe I can do.

The aim is not to prove I'm better than someone else. What is the aim?

I never thought I could do that, but I've done it.

It's such an empowering and liberating experience. At least it has been for me. It means there's a chance.

Today is my birthday, and as I reflect on the handful of years I've been around, this one thought helps me to keep going even though I'm not sure what lies ahead.

I've done a few impossible things. To all the things that seem impossible right now…

I'm coming.

On August 18th, Byayang and Elsie were on their way back from a youth camp organized by the Navigators. They separated along the way.

Elsie, my younger sister, went to Jos while Byayang, my cousin, forged ahead to Kaduna. On his way, there was an accident that injured his spine and left him unable to even feel his legs.

Once school closed, I went back to Kaduna to be with Byayang and stayed with him until school resumed.

At that time, there were two main struggles with Byayang apart from the obvious desire to get back on his feet.

Firstly, he used to get these muscle spasms that were so painful. The worst part was there was nothing we could do but pray and hold his hand until it subsided. Secondly, confinement to his bed or wheelchair had resulted in bed sores.

In December, we traveled to Abuja for medical help. Byayang, his father, Uncle Dabo, and I made the journey. It was supposed to be a one or two-day visit.

We ended up spending almost two weeks, Christmas included.

I could tell many stories about that trip, but I'll restrain myself to only one.

In Cedar Crest Hospital, we were put in a shared room with one other person. I can't remember his name, so let's call him Yusuf. His leg had just been amputated, and he was waiting for it to heal enough for the prosthetic.

Byayang had visitors trooping in and out during his time at Cedar Crest. Yusuf was all by himself except for one brother who would leave for work in the morning and be back at night.

One night, while Byayang was asleep, Yusuf and I got talking. He said…

I feel so sorry for your brother. To be unable to feel your legs is a different kind of pain. I'm in pain but at least I know I will walk soon. I don't understand how he can still be happy and laugh with people. But thank God for your family. The love he is getting, I have never seen something like this before.

We had a whole conversation around Byayang's pain and family bonds. Eventually he slept off, then Byayang woke up. As we talked, Byayang said…

I don't know how this guy is surviving. No one has come to see him at all except his brother. How would I have survived if I was all alone like this? I feel so bad for him.

Again, we had a full conversation about the power of family. Eventually, Byayang slept off again.

I had to stay up all night to make sure Byayang didn't stay on one side for too long given the bed sore problems we had. That night I had plenty to think about.

These two guys, probably facing the most difficult periods of their lives, somehow found a way to feel someone else’s pain.

Whenever I'm in pain, it's easy for me to think no one else is going through anything. And if they are, it's nothing compared to mine. Certainly the stakes are much higher for me.

That kind of attitude means everyone else comes second to me.

If I'm sad, no one should be happy or I'll call them insensitive. If I'm happy, no one should be sad or I'll call them killjoys.

I see it way too often around.

Byayang and Yusuf were able to look beyond their own suffering and feel sympathy for each other. It takes a different kind of strength to do that.

Am I strong enough to be celebrating and still sympathize with someone in mourning? Am I strong enough to be in mourning and still celebrate with someone else?

Byayang went to Heaven in May, just over two months ago.

I miss him, but the memories and lessons we made together will live on.

Cheers to my brother ❤️ 🥂

Byayang had just graduated from the university with a degree in Economics and a burning desire to become an entrepreneur. He was brimming with potential and ambition.

Yet there he was, unable to move his legs. It was devastating.

Robbed of a promising future, many said.

Byayang didn't believe them. He could no longer do many of the things he had planned to do. But he couldn't just sit there and be miserable either.

So he made new plans. Full of audacity, he shared his plans with anyone who would listen. His brothers. His dad. His uncles. A random visitor. It didn't matter. We all felt his passion. And he succeeded.

A farm. A kilishi business. Public speaking. He even wrote a book.

Byayang is no longer with us, but this is one of the lessons I learned from him.

Some people are confined to a wheelchair, but many are walking around paralyzed.

As someone who overthinks every decision to the point of indecision, this lesson is especially powerful. I fear consequences so much that I end up doing nothing. I always wonder.

What if it goes wrong?

What's the worst that could happen?

The problem is that questions like these leave you paralyzed. You end up not even making a decision at all.

That's the thing with fear.

It tricks us into believing we can be safe from mistakes. That if we just wait until we're older and wiser, we will avoid making a mistake.

But fear doesn't save us from making mistakes. Nothing can. It only keeps us stuck in one spot.

Petrified.

There's a game to play, but I'm not interested because what if I lose?

There's a job to apply for, but I'm not interested because what if they reject me?

There's a business opportunity to take, but I'm not interested because what if it fails?

So I won't play games. I won't apply to any jobs. I won't do any business deals. Not because I'm unable or uninterested, but because I'm afraid.

Do you ever feel this way?

Am I the only one who feels paralyzed sometimes?

I'm learning that fear will rob me of a fulfilling life if I let it. That it's better to decide and face the consequences than to obsess only to end up making no decision at all.

I'm also learning that while mistakes teach me what to avoid next time, there's an even more powerful lesson.

Mistakes teach me that failing isn't the end of the world. That failure is only a step in the journey to success.

When the sting of failure is no longer the worst that can happen, I can be free to push myself to see what wonderful possibilities are on offer.

I still miss Byayang, but this lesson I learned from him will always live with me.

The accident could only confine him to a wheelchair. It couldn't paralyze him. It would be a tragedy if I live my whole life walking around, yet paralyzed.

I can't let fear do that to me.

I had just posted pictures from my pre-wedding shoot on WhatsApp and my contacts were showering me with love.

Oh you're so beautiful together.

Your wife is so pretty.

Congratulations!

And in the middle of all that, as I was replying to messages with the biggest smile on my face, the world came crashing down.

I received news that Byayang, my brother, was dead.

Byayang? Byayang?? Byayang???

No. It couldn't be.

Byayang was supposed to be at my wedding. His suit was ready and everything. I didn't hear about any crisis lately. Byayang was supposed to walk again someday. No, he couldn't possibly be gone.

And yet he was.

It's been a little over a month since that fateful Sunday. Every time I think about it, part of me still feels like it's not possible.

I still go back to the day we buried him. More specifically, I go back to the moment I saw him lying still in his coffin.

With a smile on his face.

I remember asking over and over. Dear God, why?

Incidentally, I had been doing some Bible study with a group of friends. We were studying the 8 I Am statements of Jesus in the book of John.

Two of the statements stood out to me in particular.

1. I Am the Good Shepherd.

2. I am the Resurrection and the Life

In the first one, the study asked a pertinent question. How can we experience Jesus as the Good Shepherd in hard times?

After all, a shepherd is supposed to protect his flock from danger, no?

Having a shepherd does not mean harsh times will not come. But in those harsh times, I can trust that my shepherd will never leave my side. And if I wander too far away, I can trust Him to search tirelessly until He finds me.

Did Byayang ever feel forsaken by God? Was he comforted by the Holy Spirit in those final moments? I can only imagine.

In my misery, the second I Am statement filled me with so much comfort and strength.

John 11:25 says…

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies”.

Even though he dies.

I keep going back to that phrase, even to this moment. Jesus promised that because of Byayang's belief, death could only snatch him away from us.

But never from God.

Byayang is alive, even in death.

How amazing is that? How comforting is that? It means the only person at a loss here is me. I'm the one who will miss him. Byayang himself has lost nothing.

Far from it. He is alive, even in death!

Man!

I have known this chapter for a long time, but it only became real to me when Byayang died. I finally understood how Mary and Martha must've felt.

And no. Byayang didn't rise from the dead. If I'm being honest, why should he? Life here is full of suffering. If God deems him fit to rest for eternity, who am I to wish this hard life for him?

I miss Byayang everyday.

At the same time, I am thankful. Byayang wasn't lost or shepherdless. He is cared for by the Good Shepherd.

He wasn't alone in his final moments.

Just like I'm not alone in my grief.

And he is alive, even in death.

Forever!

A family friend of ours also needed a new car. She wanted an SUV, and she had more than twice my father's budget.

After a few weeks of searching, my dad found his car. He was happy with it. In fact, he thought it was a bit too big. Our family friend with the bigger budget still hasn't found what she's looking for.

He's happy, and she hasn't found hers yet.

What's the difference?

He got what he wanted.

Now I can't compare the wagon my dad got with an SUV. Absolutely not, that would be crazy. But he got what he wanted, and that's really what matters.

What do you want?

There are videos plastered all over the internet talking about how you can be anything on earth, but you must never be mediocre.

Mediocrity.

Such an ugly word. It's even better to be called poor than mediocre these days. But what does it mean?

What does it mean to be mediocre?

Unless I am getting this terribly wrong, mediocrity is another way of saying average. Hm, interesting.

Average.

That doesn’t sound half as bad as mediocre.

The first time I went to boarding school, my father told me what he was expecting from me. He didn’t care what position I finished; he only cared about my average.

An average of 70 or more.

So I knew all I had to do was make sure the average of my scores in all the subjects came out to be above 70. I always ended up somewhere in the top ten, but he didn’t care.

In my context, I was well above average.

Until I met my roommate, Stephen. The more I interacted with Stephen, I realized I was bang average. This guy knew things that I didn’t even know existed.

You know what blew my mind more? Stephen felt like he was average compared to me in many other things.

So what exactly does it mean to be average?

It is only something you can measure based on a context. A scale, if you like.

Are you excellent? Are you average? Are you even below average? It all depends on what scale you consider.

Walk with me.

Mr. Beast, the biggest YouTuber in the world, admitted that he has paid no attention to his mental health on his journey to becoming the best.

By YouTube standards, it doesn’t get more excellent than that. If we change the scale, he may turn out to be mediocre.

Messi is the greatest footballer the world has ever seen. How would he fare in American football?

This now brings us to a scary truth.

We are all mediocre. Yes, including you.

Money. Family. Intelligence. Athleticism. Creativity. Marketing. Math. Writing. Physical looks. I’ll run out of energy before I run out of things to add to the list.

If you’re feeling excellent, change the scale and see.

If you’re feeling mediocre, change the scale and see.

So what really matters? If we’re all average, how can one measure success and fulfillment?

What do you want?

What is your mission?

What is your vision?

If you want a wagon, don’t allow someone with an SUV to make you feel bad. If you want an SUV, don’t stop until you get it.

And don’t allow your neighbor with the Ferrari to make you feel bad.

If you want to be a great dad, be that. If you have to sacrifice being CEO to be a great dad, so be it.

Define your scale and aim for the stars.

We are all mediocre depending on the scale. That’s not defeatist, it’s freeing. You don’t have to be everything. You just need to be aligned with what matters to you.

It’s even better when God defines your scale, but I don’t want to get too theological.

Aloe Blacc put it well in his song, My Way.

He said…

I can make it through this

You can throw the world in my face

But the fear gives me life

And I swear till I die,

I’m gonna do it my way.

Do it your way, my friend.

See you next time.

Instagram.

It was a place for photographers, artists, and other creatives to share pictures and art. A place for people to enjoy the creativity on display.

It was a hit. A resounding success by all accounts.

Only two years later, in 2012, Facebook purchased Instagram for an astonishing $1 billion. That's American dollars.

Over a decade later, Instagram has become one of the biggest social media platforms in the world. The Meta triumvirate of Facebook, WhatsApp, and Instagram can only be rivalled by Elon Musk’s Twitter (now X).

From a team of less than twenty people to huge departments of professionals.

Growth doesn't get much better than that, right?

Those who remember Instagram in those early days will tell you, however, that they miss it.

Where there were small communities of creatives and people who appreciate art, there's now a huge algorithm-driven marketplace.

It's now all about advertising, influencers, and profit.

Instagram has grown exponentially, but it may have lost its soul.

This brings us to the crux of the matter.

Growth comes with pitfalls that, if not navigated properly, will cost you everything that actually matters.

Especially when profit is not the sole aim.

The vision is quite clear when you start, you know exactly what you want. As you enjoy the process, you want more people to be in it with you. Then you get more people.

But now there are new problems. I want to talk about four of them.

Bureaucracy

Growth comes with a rise in population, and with more people comes the need for more systems and structure.

Small teams are intimate. Yes, someone might be the team leader, but hierarchy is rarely an issue. It's a group of people, usually friends, who are chasing a goal, and everyone plays their part.

You don't need an HR department.

As the team grows and more people join, structure becomes necessary.

But as the structure grows, the intimacy reduces. If care is not taken, relationships will be lost.

Interpersonal relationships

As more and more people join, managing interpersonal relationships can be a challenge.

Five friends doing a Bible study is perfect because they all get along well already. If each member invites one friend to the group, that's ten people.

But not all ten of them are friends. Now there are people meeting each other for the first time during Bible study.

When different people come together in one place, there will be clashes.

Ten people grow to twenty. Then fifty. Then a hundred. With each increase, the potential for clashes grows.

The hardest resource to manage is people.

Take the church, for example. In the days of Jesus, it was an intimate group of people who all knew each other. They were probably friends, too.

After Jesus, Peter preached, and three thousand people joined the movement in one day.

It was only a matter of time before the problems began to creep in.

Stephen, Philip, and five other men were appointed to handle matters concerning food due to the controversy. All of a sudden, that intimate group of guys was becoming a bureaucracy.

And that's still nothing compared to what the church has become today.

Quantity overshadows quality

Growth can become addictive.

When the small group grows from five to ten, then fifteen, and suddenly stops at fifteen, it feels like something is wrong.

The original goal was not the numbers, but gaining numbers feels really good.

Once the numbers start rising, it's easy to get distracted. Going a year without adding numbers starts to feel like stagnation.

Then we start to give members a target.

Come with a friend.

Those who come with friends are often hailed as active and obedient. Those who haven't invited anyone over become the black sheep.

The original group started based on friendship, but when quantity becomes the main goal, quality is diluted.

Then it's no longer about friendship.

It's about KPI’s.

So what?

What does this all mean?

Is growth a bad thing?

Absolutely not. Growth is the only way forward. Maintenance only slows down the depreciation, but there are only two directions.

Forward or backward. Growth or decline.

That said, everything comes with its problems. Success and growth are no exception.

So how can you grow without losing your essence?

In 2013, a woman named Melanie Perkins wondered asked an important question.

Why is design so complex?

In a world of complex tools like Adobe, Melanie set out to make graphic design available to regular, everyday folks.

For free.

Over a decade later, Canva is worth $40 billion. Again, that's American dollars.

The vision hasn't changed. Canva continues to make design simple and accessible for regular people.

Some templates are blocked by a paywall, but the majority are free. Schools and nonprofit organizations also get Canva Pro for absolutely free.

Design made easy for regular people.

That was the vision. Fifteen billion designs later, Canva is still going.

Again, how can you grow without losing your essence?

That deserves an article on its own.

Maybe I'll write one.

I'll call it Forms vs Functions.

See you next time.

That's what my friend's mother used to say. She would keep talking about how bad people from that tribe were.

This tribe, that state, those people.

Her mother had a full list of places she couldn't marry from. But then my friend moved abroad , and everything changed.

Now she would meet people from different countries.

Her mother no longer cared what tribe the man would be, only that he should be Nigerian. She suddenly remembered that we are one Nigeria.

Eventually, the net increased. Not only Nigerians were allowed.

“Please let him just be African.”

And after a while.

“Please let him be Christian.”

My friend's mother could not see anything good about some tribes until she was faced with the prospect of a white son in-law.

It's a funny story, but I learned some lessons from it.

Division is the way of man. We see it wherever we go. Black people vs white people. Football vs other sports. Muslims vs Christians.

The funny thing is that we're all just looking for a family to belong to.

None of us wants to be alone, no matter how much introverts insist. We all want and need people in our corner. So it's a bit ironic that for people who just need a family, we keep focusing on division and differences.

A Nigerian and a Ghanaian are rivals until a South African walks in the room. Then they become West African brothers.

Put an American in the room, suddenly it becomes three African brothers.

So we can see the good in others. We can find the commonality between us and anyone on earth provided there is one thing.

Someone we can hate together.

In a weird way, we are united by division.

Even within a nuclear family, it's parents vs children. Once parents aren't around, siblings turn on each other. And when left alone, husband and wife eventually have a go at each other.

So marriage counselors have to say things like it's not you vs your spouse, it's you and your spouse vs the problem.

A problem to unite them.

At the end of the day, we need division to achieve unity.

So maybe division is not such a bad thing, maybe it's our fixation with it that can get toxic. Maybe we just overdo it.

Division then becomes hatred.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

When I play football with my friends, we split into teams. We're divided, but it's not that deep. My opponent today could be my teammate tomorrow.

However, if I pick out a group of people and condemn them as being bad people just because we're divided, that's taking it a bit too far. And when I don't curtail that, I’ll eventually get to the point where I want to kill them.

I've always thought division is the problem, and I'm not alone.

John Lennon wrote a song called Imagine, and I like the Pentatonix version of it.

John Lennon called us to imagine a world where there's nothing to divide us. No heaven or hell. No religion. No possessions. Nothing to kill or die for.

He imagined a world where everyone just gets along all the time. He said…

Imagine there's no countries,

It isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for,

And no religion too

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace

Not only is his dream impossible, it's bad for us. We need division. However, we must be careful that it doesn't spill over into hatred.

That's the problem. We overdo this division thing sometimes.

Donald Trump and Kamala Harris act like they hate each other, but if you put an Iranian in the room they become brother and sister.

So how should we approach division?

It's important to acknowledge the division, but imperative that we keep what unites in bigger focus.

Yes, I disagree with some of my friends on who is better between Messi and Ronaldo, but that's okay.

That's what makes football fun.

Maybe I don't exactly agree on spiritual matters with my Muslim friend, that's okay. At least we're both spiritual, right?

There will always be division, but it's never that deep.

You've heard of healthy competition, how about healthy division?

If our lives were on the line, we'd have a Christian pastor, a Muslim imam, and a gay atheist working together to find a solution.

In that moment, we don't have to agree. We have something that we can all unite against. Death.

In Game of Thrones, Jon Snow and Daenerys assembled one hell of a diverse army to fight the night king. Suddenly they all realized none of the divisions were that deep.

What prejudices do you have? What divisions are you part of? No matter what it is, division should never lead to hate.

It's never that deep.

I'll see you next time.

You tried several methods. You wrote down pros and cons, you asked some friends, you even prayed about it. Still, you couldn’t separate your options. There was no clear pick, it was right down the middle.

FPL managers know exactly what I’m talking about.

The annoying thing about such decisions is that depending on the result, you can either look like a genius or an idiot.

Should I captain Haaland or Salah in my fantasy team?

Should I tell my best friend that I have feelings for her?

Should I study medicine like my dad wants or chase my dreams?

Should I invest in the stocks of X or Y?

The dilemmas don't stop, and most times, they're right down the middle. Using logic, there is no clear choice. You try to follow your heart, the bastard chooses that time to stay silent.

50/50.

Full clarity comes only after the deed is done, when the results of your choice are staring you in the face.

We call it hindsight.

At that point, everything suddenly becomes clear. How could you have even struggled with this decision when it was so obvious?

Of course Salah would outscore Haaland, he's the king of FPL for a reason.

Meanwhile it was never that straightforward. Haaland could just as easily have done well.

But no one cares.

No one cares about your thought process, your hard work, your strategy. Most times, only your results speak for you.

You go explain explain explain…

You might be thinking this is so unfair, but life is unfair. We just have to deal with it.

But it's important for you to know.

People can call you an idiot as much as they want, but it becomes a real problem when you actually believe it.

Don't get me wrong. I've made some stupid choices. I'm sure you have as well. This is different.

This could've gone either way.

The same applies for success. Don't think you're some sort of genius just because the result fell on your side.

Judge yourself based on your thought process, hard work, and strategy. You'll win some and lose others, that's life.

But a good plan only needs a sprinkle of luck to work out. A bad plan relies on luck every single time, and we know how that usually goes.

It's easy to be a genius with the power of hindsight. Everyone knows how to analyze where it went wrong.

But many of us have no idea what we're doing.

No one has lived before, this is the first time for all of us. We're just living life as it comes and doing the best we can.

Sasha Alex Sloan has a beautiful song called Older.

Sasha is touching on another side of the issue.

She used to condemn her parents and say she would never be like them, but she learned an important lesson as she got older.

She said…

The older I get, the more that I see

My parents aren't heroes, they're just like me

It's easy to think that your parents have it all figured out because they're your parents, obviously. You assume they have all the solutions to all your problems.

At least they should have their lives figured out.

So when they don't, you condemn them. You see them as failures and you vow to do better.

It's good to do better, even your parents want that for you. But you need to go easy on them.

Ten years ago, I thought I was smart. I thought I knew so much. Today, I realize that I knew nothing like Jon Snow. But then I wonder.

Ten years from now, I would probably think back to this very moment and realize I know nothing.

Maybe I'd read this article and laugh at how ignorant I sound.

That tells me something.

Every single one of us is clueless. No one knows anything.

Okay, that's harsh.

We all know a lot about what is behind us, and we use that to try and figure out what's in front. But no one really knows for sure.

We're all just applying what we have learned in the past and hoping it works out.

As the saying goes…

What am I trying to say?

Life is mostly you stepping into the unknown. Plan as well as you can, but be merciful to yourself when it doesn't work out and be humble when it does.

Everyone else is living for the first time, the only time too. Maybe the people around are making mistakes, but remember that we're all just learning.

It's good to learn from their mistakes, but be merciful to them.

Have mercy on others. Have mercy on yourself.

I'll see you next time.

I recently watched an episode of Law and Order that touched me. A pediatrician was on trial for organ trafficking. She would harvest organs from children who had died and send them to hospitals where other children were waiting for transplants.

She made no profit from it, but she did not take permission from the families of the dead children. She would forge consent forms to make it look like everything was in order, but she was essentially stealing organs from her dead patients.

During her trial, the debate was clear.

She had broken the law, but she was doing it for a “good” reason. Her defense was to show the children she had saved. Ultimately, the trial came down to one question.

Does the end justify the means?

She was found guilty. Her license was revoked, and she faced the prospect of going to jail. That struck me powerfully. I learned two lessons.

Good intentions will not save you from consequences.

Many people live by “the end justifies the means”. As long as your intentions are good, you see no problem with whatever you do.

Why did you lie to your daughter?

To protect her from the truth.

So that makes it okay?

The problem arises when your child grows up to find out you lied. Of course, she would be livid. She’d feel betrayed. She wouldn’t trust you anymore, and it wouldn’t matter that you did it “out of love”.

You lied. What were you expecting?

Good intentions often go out the window when misdeeds are uncovered. Actions have consequences. Such is life.

And don’t get me wrong. I’m not yet debating whether it’s noble or evil to do the wrong thing for the right reasons. I leave that to you. What I am saying is you should be willing to face the consequences when you are discovered.

Before you do it, however, be crystal clear about why.

Are you lying to your child to protect them or to protect yourself from having to explain?

Are you hiding your lifestyle from your parents to protect them or because you refuse to submit to them?

Are you hiding your tears because you want to be strong for others or because you’re too insecure to be vulnerable?

Clarify why.

Then be ready to face the music.

But that's not all.

We’ve talked about doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. What if you do the right thing for the right reason?

I watched an episode of NCIS (I know, I love old crime series) with a similar story. A young Navy corpsman came upon a horrific accident and ran to help. She saw one of the victims on the edge of life, so she quickly called 911 and performed a procedure to keep him alive before help arrived.

The only problem was that, by law, only licensed doctors and medics were allowed to perform that procedure. So she got into trouble.

She did what she felt was best. She saved the man’s life. She didn’t even have to steal or forge anything. Yet she got into trouble.

At the end, someone asked her whether she regretted it. She smiled and said she couldn’t help herself. She could never have seen someone dying and left them to die, regardless of the consequences.

That’s the crux of the matter.

Are you willing to face the consequences? Do you feel so strongly about what you’re doing that you don’t care what the consequences are?

It’s not just the law either.

Are you willing to face the anger of your friends and family because you choose to do the right thing?

Are you willing to lose your job?

How far are you willing to go?

Doing the right thing can also land you in hot soup.

Now to my second lesson.

Good intentions can be blinding

It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-justification. You believe you have good intentions, therefore, it doesn’t matter how others feel.

That is what happened to the pediatrician. She felt so strongly about saving children that she didn’t care how her actions affected others.

You don’t want to be the person whose good intentions become bad news for everyone, especially the people around you.

I know you love your child, and you’re doing this out of love, but you have to be careful not to alienate your child in the process. Your good intentions will get lost in the hurt. And nothing else will matter.

You will not achieve your goal of helping, and you will have burned a relationship.

Meghan Trainor and Teddy Swims sang a masterpiece that touches on this. It’s called Bad for Me.

The song is addressed to a loved one whose good intentions keep causing problems. Meghan sang…

Please don’t make promises that you can’t keep,

Your best intentions end up hurting me.

No matter I’ll love you endlessly,

But I gotta run, I gotta run, from your reality.

I know we’re blood, but this love is bad for me.

That's a horrible place to be. You are so blinded by your “good intentions” that you don’t care how the people around you feel.

My cousin asked me recently.

Is it better to love someone the way you want to be loved or the way they want to be loved?

What do you think of my answer?

When your “good intentions” start to hurt the people you love, that is a sign of selfish love. It’s now all about what you want, rather than what the person needs.

You need to redefine what love means and how you can do it better.

Let’s recap

1. The end does not justify the means. If you do the wrong thing for the right reason, you will still suffer the consequences.

2. You better be convinced about why you do it so that you can accept the consequences in good faith.

3. Sometimes, even doing the right thing will cost you. Are you passionate enough about the right thing that you're willing to suffer for it?

4. Selfish love puts you ahead of the person you love.

5. Your good intentions can hurt people if you are not sensitive to what they need.

The Bible says it's important to have the right motives, but don't be so self-righteous that you put your good intentions ahead of the person.

It's important to know why, but it is just as important to understand who.

That's all from me this time. Now I want to hear from you.

Have you been hurt by someone's good intentions before? Have your good intentions hurt others?

Did I get it completely wrong?

Talk to me in the comments.

Cheers 🥂

How did you feel?

Excited. Elated. You felt on top of the world. But only for a moment.

My cousin was watching a video this morning. The whole point of it was that nothing matters in football except winning trophies. I disagree with that. Trophies are nice to have, but football is not all about that.

How do I know?

There are more teams without a single trophy in their history than the ones picking up silverware. If football were really about trophies, some clubs should not have any fans. But they do.

Why? Because football is not about trophies.

Football is about moments.

Ronaldo’s bicycle kick against Juventus. Drogba’s goal against Bayern. The last-ditch save by Martinez. Messi vs Boateng.

I don’t have to remind you which games I’m talking about. You can see every single one of those moments in your head already.

That’s what football is about. That’s why fans don’t need a trophy to cheer for their team.

But let’s say you win it.

Winning a trophy comes with a new problem. You have to defend it. Challenging is easy, defending it is the big problem.

Life is a lot like that. It’s full of moments and trophies.

You work so hard to achieve a goal, and when you finally get it, you open a new can of worms.

You want a new job. It’s your biggest desire. So you put in the work and get the job, but now you have a problem. You must work the job. Or lose it.

You must work so hard to keep the job that you worked so hard to get.

Or you get married to the love of your life. You put in all that investment, both financial and emotional, and you finally settle down with the person you’ve been praying for. Then a couple that’s been married for 30 years will look you in the eye and say…

Now the work begins.

You’ve worked so hard to get it. Now you must work even harder to keep it.

It can be discouraging, right? Sometimes I wonder what the point is. Why do any of it? When will it end?

Jon Bellion put out a new song that captures this sentiment perfectly. It’s called Why? Have a listen.

Jon is experiencing the deepest depths of our problem. He’s about to have a son, and his mind is all over the place. He says…

I’m scared to meet you cuz then I might know you,

And once I know you I might fall in love,

Once I’m in love then my heart is wide open,

So you could walk in, drop a bomb, and blow it up.

Imagine that!

Falling in love is the most magical thing that could happen to you. At the same time, nothing leaves you more vulnerable.

No one can hurt you more than someone you love. And even if they don’t hurt you, no one is immortal. One day, someone you love will die. And it will hurt worse than when you stub your little toe.

So why do it?

Why should I have a son? What if he hates football? What if he doesn’t care about God? What if he chooses to cut ties with me? Why should I give one person that much power to hurt me?

The second verse is just as deep. Luke Combs says…

Stressed and strung out about things that could happen,

I could move mountains with the worrying I’ve done?

So I called my father and he started laughing,

He said ‘You think it’s bad now, wait til you have a son’

It sent chills down my spine.

I’m a young man. I worry about many things. I’m just like Luke Combs.

Wait till you have a son.

That means the worrying will only get worse. I can only imagine what my father is going through.

So why do it?

If your biggest fear is unlocked by your biggest desire, why should you still go for it?

I have no idea. If you’re reading this hoping I have an answer to that question, I’m sorry, I don’t. But I have learned two things.

Firstly…

The fear of success is just as much as the fear of failure.

If you fail, you can say you tried. You did your best, and it didn't work. It’s not your fault. Things just didn’t work out. Or maybe it wasn’t God’s will.

But if you succeed, you must face all the challenges that come with success.

If you pass a class, you must face the next one. So, passing a class takes someone willing to face the next class. Going for an interview means you’re willing to face the challenges of working.

Falling in love means you are ready to be vulnerable. You know there will be moments of heartache, but you’ll face them.

That leads me to the second thing.

Going for it is the bravest thing you will ever do. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

You chose to go for that job when you knew you might get fired for not being good enough. You agreed to open your heart to love despite all the bad things that could happen.

It’s not normal.

Not everyone is brave enough to do it. Most people will shy away from their dreams so that they don’t have to face their biggest fears. Most will avoid love because it makes them vulnerable.

But not you.

You are brave. You are strong. You dare to succeed. And succeed you will.

Stay brave, my friend.

That's a stupid question. Let me rephrase.

Have you ever been hurt by someone close to you, not because of something they said, but because of something they did NOT say? Not because of something they did, but because of something they did NOT do?

Picture this. You meet someone new and everything just clicks with this person. You talk everyday, you laugh at their jokes, you look forward to seeing their name pop up on your screen.

Then it starts to get a bit deeper. You start to wonder whether this could be the one. You picture a life together and it doesn't look so bad. And they're giving you all the right signs, the energy you need.

Until, one day, you say the feared three lettered sentence.

I love you.

You wait for their reaction. You know the first time is a lot, so you give them some time to process what you just said. You're a patient person after all. So you wait. And wait.

And still they remain silent. How would you feel?

No, actually, how would you feel? Leave a comment.

Words can be loud. Actions are even louder according to the popular saying. But silence can be so powerful that it negates words and actions alike.

The funny thing about silence is that it doesn't always mean the same thing. It's completely open to interpretation within the context.

Silence Means Many Things

During the first eighty minutes of the 2022 World Cup final, I was enjoying myself. Argentina were two goals up and France didn't look like they had anything to offer.

Out of the blue, France equalized. And my mouth closed.

My mouth remained closed until the end of that game.

At first, it was fear. I couldn't speak because I was begging. God, please do not allow France to win this thing. My heart was in my hands.

When Montiel scored the winning penalty kick, the hall erupted into celebrations from the Messi fans. I couldn't make a sound. I was speechless because I couldn't believe that Messi was finally a World Cup winner.

From panic to fear to hope to ecstasy. Every single one of these emotions, I expressed by being silent.

I'm sorry for the story, Ronaldo fans.

Not really 😋

Back to context, you can use silence powerfully if you can master the when, where, and how.

At the same time, you can cause some deep damage if you stay quiet at the wrong time.

The Wrong Time

Baby Can I Hold You by Tracy Chapman is an example of staying silent at the wrong time.

Have a listen.

Tracy Chapman couldn't understand her lover's behavior.

Actions speak louder than words, but she needed some words. Every relationship does.

Sorry.

Forgive me.

I love you.

He just couldn't bring himself to say these things. Whenever he was supposed to, he would stay quiet.

But that's not the worst part. Not even close.

The worst part is the audacity to stay silent at such critical times, then try to brush things over with physical intimacy. The chorus says…

But you can say baby,

Baby can I hold you tonight?

Absolutely not, you can't.

And the second part of the chorus says…

Maybe if I told you the right words,

At the right time,

You'd be mine.

Damn right, you idiot.

Let's go back to the first picture we painted. Imagine that your special person wouldn't say they love you back, but they don't mind holding you all night.

In this scenario, silence means I don't love you too.

The Right Time

At the right time, silence can be a great tool for communication.

Silence can mean sympathy.

For example, be silent when someone is venting to or confiding in you. That makes you a great listener.

If your friend is grieving, you don't need to say anything. You can simply be there for them. Your silence means I love you and I'm here for you.

Silence is also great for investigation.

When you are new to an environment, you need to shut up and pay attention. Listen. Observe. Learn.

You want to know the players. You want to understand the different roles. Their strengths, weaknesses, bias. How do they do things? Why?

By the time you're ready to talk, you'd be equipped with everything you need to know.

Silence is great for asserting authority.

A king who talks too much will quickly lose his authority. There are situations where silence will communicate your authority much more than shouting.

Tywin Lannister said it well.

Finally…

Words are powerful. The Bible says in Proverbs 15:4 that The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.

That's actually insane because it means you can either kill someone or breathe life into them depending on what you say.

But words can be fickle. Actions are more definitive. Hence, actions speak louder than words.

But silence, or inaction, is the final member of this trio that is often ignored yet so powerful. This is what the Bible says about inaction.

When you don't do what you should, it's a big problem. Doing the wrong thing is wrong, yes, but not doing the right thing is also a problem.

And about silence?

At the right time, silence can be awesome for communication. You might even come off as a wise person if you keep quiet. Talk too soon and you will expose your ignorance.

Notice that I used the negative for inaction and the positive for silence, but there are reverse cases.

Funny that this is about silence yet I've talked so much. But if there is one thing you should remember from all my ranting, this is it.

Shutting up is a skill. Learn to use it or you will run into trouble.

DISCLAIMER:

This will be long, but my girlfriend promises it’s worth it.

What is the worst part of fighting monsters? How bad can it get? Fighting monsters is a dangerous business. You could get hurt. You might suffer injury. You’ll take a lot of hits. But none of these is the worst that could happen. In fact, these are cakewalks in comparison. The worst thing that could happen is…

You could become the very monster you’re fighting against.

It sucks to fight and lose, but it’s worse if you turn out to be the same thing you’re fighting against.

The last time I spoke to you, I told you about Maximilien Robespierre. He was a French revolutionary who fought against an oppressive monarchy only to become a repressive dictator. He was eventually deposed and killed by the same revolutionary government he helped create.

You don’t want that.

So how can you fight a monster without becoming one yourself?

Is it even possible?

This is the first question we must answer.

Is it possible to fight a bullying parent without becoming a disrespectful child? Is it possible to handle a stubborn child without becoming a dictator parent?

Is it possible to fight crime without becoming a criminal? Can you actually overcome someone out to murder you without becoming a murderer?

In the Bible, David had to contend with King Saul. The man was just out to kill him. Read the full story in 1 Samuel, but David had the opportunity to kill Saul twice. His soldiers encouraged him to end the persecution there and then. They even tried to make it sound spiritual.

This is the day the LORD spoke of when he said to you, ’I will give your enemy into your hands for you to deal with as you wish’.

David refused to do it. Eventually, Saul died in battle and David became the king. That counts as winning, I’d say.

So it is possible.

This leads us to the crux of the matter…

How can you do it?

It might be possible, but it is not easy. So how can you do it? I must now remind you.

I am NOT an expert on the subject.

But these are my thoughts, starting with a simple but piercing question.

What is your motive? What is your goal?

Don’t rush to answer. You’ll have to spend some time figuring this out. Many times, you might not even know what your true motives are. You must peel back your motives like onion layers.

You can do that by asking yourself why.

Why are you refusing to speak to your child?

Because he is stubborn and unrepentant.

Why does that bother you?

He will make many mistakes if he refuses to listen to good advice.

Why do you think he refuses to listen to good advice?

Because he isn’t listening to mine.

But you trained him to be a man who can make decisions on his own. Why is that now a problem?

I am his father. I know what’s best for him.

So you don’t trust him to decide for himself.

No, I don’t.

Why?

We could keep going deeper, but you get the hang of it. Eventually, this father would have to confront his real motives. The deeper you go, the more about yourself you will reveal.

Another way to figure out your motives is to clearly describe what your goal is. When you know your goal, you can better question your actions.

Is your goal to help your child or to have your way?

To help my child.

How does not talking to him do that?

He needs to know I am not happy. Until he comes to his senses, I have nothing to say to him.

So your son either does what you say or you are banishing him?

Yes.

Is that helping or having your way?

Again, we can keep going, but you catch my drift. Always be self-aware enough to ask yourself what your goal is. And when you know exactly what your goal is, how is your action helping you to achieve that goal?

But after figuring out what you want, there’s another crucial angle you must examine.

What are the implications of what you want?

Getting what you want often comes with a cost. Many people fail to recognize that until it’s smack in their face.

Do you want a husband who is decisive and firm? You love that his friends and family cannot influence him, and he has a mind of his own. I hope you understand that he will be decisive and firm even when it doesn’t suit you.

Do you want a woman who speaks her mind and doesn’t back down from a fight? I hope you’re ready to handle that when it’s just the two of you. You hate that your brother will never say a bad thing about his friend to you, but you love it when he gives you the same loyalty.

You want freedom of speech? That’s great, but I hope you can take it when the talking starts. Free and fair elections sound really nice, but are you aware that the vote might go against you?

In our previous example of the father and his son, he was probably beaming with pride when his child stood firm against someone else’s persuasion. It never occurred to him that his son could be firm and unswayed with him.

Getting what you want in that moment could have implications that you would rather avoid.

It’s important to assess what you want, why you want it, and the potential implications. Then ask yourself again.

Is this really what I want? Is this what I should want?

If everything is in order, it’s time to get to the actual fighting.

The Proverb Contradiction

Now we get to the crux of the matter.

How should we fight?

The book of Proverbs in the Bible is one of my favorite books because it doesn’t particularly sound theological or spiritual. It’s just wave after wave of regular, day-to-day wisdom.

And Proverbs 26 has some wisdom for us. In verse 4, it says…

That sounds pretty straightforward, right? The next verse throws a spanner into the works.

It says…

By now you’re probably confused. Do I answer this fool or not, man? Do I fight this monster or not?

Walk with me.

Remember how I said that your goal would help to determine your actions? We can apply that here in figuring out what King Solomon means.

Compare the goals in the two verses.

1. To avoid becoming a fool yourself

2. To confront the fool with his folly

If you answer the fool according to his folly, as in you behave like the fool, you’ll end up becoming a fool yourself.

If you answer the fool according to his folly, as in you confront the fool with his folly, you can show the fool the error of his ways without becoming a fool yourself.

The second one is much harder to do because the fool must first accept his folly before he can let it go. And getting a fool to see the folly in his ways can be frustrating. After all, not being able to see one’s own folly is a foundational part of being foolish.

That frustration will drive you back to the first option if you’re not careful. Instead of confronting the fool with their folly, you might find yourself behaving like the fool.

It’s annoying because sometimes you have to allow the fool to win.

Let’s apply this to fighting monsters.

Do not fight monsters according to their monstrosity, or you might become just like them.

Or…

Fight monsters according to their monstrosity, or they might feel like angels in their own eyes.

Let’s go back to David for a while. After enjoying plenty of military success as a king, David found himself craving more than other kingdoms. He began to crave another man’s wife. Being a king, David got what he wanted. The woman became his wife, and her husband died in battle.

God wasn’t happy, as you would expect, so he sent the prophet Nathan to confront the king.

The prophet started by telling the king about two men. The first man had a large flock and the other had only one sheep. One day, the first man received visitors and wanted to serve some lamb to his guests. Instead of taking one from his huge flock, however, he took the one sheep his neighbor had.

The king was furious. He was about to start declaring judgment on the first man when the prophet showed him how he was the man in the story.

Stunned, defeated, and convicted, David was broken. You can read Psalm 51 for an idea of how broken the man was.

Back to Nathan for a moment. He was right to rebuke David. God had sent him to rebuke the king. But what do you think would’ve happened if he had just gone to attack the king head-on?

He did not fight the monster according to its monstrosity as in Proverbs 26:4. Instead, he fought the monster according to its monstrosity as in Proverbs 26:5.

But sometimes, you’re not even fighting a monster.

Third Person View

I watched a movie called Ender’s Game a few years ago, and one quote from the movie stuck with me.

When you truly understand your enemy, you love him.

At the very bottom of it all, we are all human. We all do things for a reason. I know that some men just want to watch the world burn, but the Jokers of our world are a small minority.

More often than not, there’s a reason for everything.

As the dreaded milestone of 30 draws inevitably nearer, there are many things I used to dislike about my parents that I am beginning to understand.

The importance of an afternoon nap, for example. Insisting I study my books, placing me on a curfew, telling me to stay away from bad friends, refusing to let me eat just anything. At the time, I just thought my parents hated seeing me have fun. Now I realize they just loved me.

Their action hasn’t changed, but I understand them now.

I have a much older friend who hated her father for insisting that she shouldn’t marry the man of her dreams. Many years later, she still hadn’t forgiven him. One day, she called me in a panic.

Her younger cousin had fallen in love.

She felt it in her bones that this young man was making a mistake and she simply couldn’t bring herself to allow it. She started by praying against it, but God wasn’t paying attention.

Then she spoke to her cousin and presented her case, but you and I know that people in love don’t listen to advice. He even started keeping his distance from her. Now she was contemplating more drastic measures.

In a funny but deep moment of self-awareness, she said to me…

Wait, Abba, I am about to do the same thing I hate my father for. What if it was just love all along?

It’s very difficult to do in the moment, but try to understand your enemy. Try to look at the conflict from a third person’s eye. Where is my enemy coming from? Why is my enemy refusing to give up?

Sometimes, you will find that you are not fighting a monster, but an ally. All it might take is walking a kilometer in their shoes, the saying goes.

The final, crucial piece

A policeman investigates a crime and finds the criminal. The evidence, however, is not enough to convict that criminal in court. Now the policeman must watch this person who he knows is a criminal walk free.

If he takes matters into his own hands, he has also become a criminal in the eyes of the law. If he allows her to go free, the monster has won.

Should he take matters into his own hands or let her go?

Tell me what you think in the comments.

It’s a difficult decision you cannot trust yourself to make every single time, and that’s why this final piece is so crucial.

Accountability

You won’t always have the presence of mind to realize you’re drifting. You could turn into the same thing you’re fighting without realizing it. You’re human, after all.

That’s why you must take it out of your hands.

Accountability is one of the most important parts of building a good habit or stopping a bad one.

For our policeman, the law is his accountability. If he takes matters into his own hands, he has become a criminal by law. So he must restrain himself, or else.

There is no law for personal relationships, but you must have your own system of accountability. When you are too emotional to check yourself, what next?

Without accountability, everything will fall apart as soon as someone does something painful enough to you.

Your father is being a hard-headed, self-righteous person. But how can you be sure that you will face that issue without becoming hard-headed and self-righteous too? Who, or what, are you accountable to?

As difficult as it sounds, it’s better to let the monster win than to become a monster yourself.

This is already far too long, so let’s leave it here😅

A recap…

1. Flesh out your motives. Evaluate your actions based on your motives.

2. Understand the implications of what you want.

3. Do not fight like the fool, or you will become like her.

4. Do not ignore the fool’s folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.

5. Take the third-person view.

6. Be accountable to someone (or something).

I hope you enjoyed this. Please tell me what you think in the comments.

See you next time with my next hot take.

The newly established republic was weak and vulnerable, and enemies from all sides sought to take advantage. Robespierre wasn’t having it. He took over the Committee of Public Safety and took charge of the situation. The republic was under attack and needed a strong hand to defend it from foreign invaders and domestic royalist rebels.

What followed is today called the Reign of Terror.

Robespierre launched a campaign of tyranny. He attacked and executed anyone he felt was an enemy of the republic, even some of his allies from the revolution. He started with the queen of the executed King Louis XVI. That was okay, after all she was a member of the royal family.

Soon, however, regular citizens who spoke against him became enemies of the republic. Thousands were killed, including some of his allies from the revolution. In all he did, Robespierre was still a revolutionary at heart. He claimed…

Terror is nothing but swift, severe, and inflexible justice.

You might not be in the middle of a revolution fighting against a repressive government. But what happened to Robespierre is something that happens to normal people daily.

Let’s say you’re fighting against someone who believes they are always right. In your attempt to prove that your friend can be wrong, you might fall into the trap of acting like you are always right.

Or someone who always shouts over you in an argument. You might find yourself shouting back. And what does that make you?

How about office gossip? You don’t like how this person gossips about you, so you tell someone else about it. Now you are gossiping about the office gossip.

There are many more examples, but I’m sure you catch my drift.

The danger of becoming the monster you fight against is a real one that many of us do not realize until it’s too late. But why do we always fall into such a trap?

The answer lies in how we confront our problems. Let’s talk about that.

How do we fight?

Generally, I have found two parts to how people approach monsters.

The first part is to be the complete and total opposite of your monster. I’ll give you three common examples of this: religion, politics, and sports.

Think of the 2024 Ballon d’Or saga. To Vinicius fans, it’s not just that Vinicius should’ve won the Ballon d’Or. It’s that Rodri should never even have been in the conversation. On the flip side, the Rodri fans believe that Vinicius was a total fraud who didn’t even have a good season.

How about politics? Trump supporters act like Kamala was the devil incarnate while Trump is the servant of God. And if you ask Kamala supporters, their country will not survive the next four years under Trump.

Some orthodox Christians will tell you that Pentecostal churches are wild places that go against the Word of God, hence heretics that should not be taken seriously. Some Pentecostals will tell you that orthodox churches are devoid of the Holy Spirit and cannot help you grow in Christ.

We fight one extreme by going fully to the other side. Funny thing is that the truth is usually closer to the middle.

The second part sounds something like this.

You can’t fight these people by being nice and kind. You also have to play dirty to get what you want.

We are very clear on the objective. We want something different. We want to fight evil. To successfully fight it, however, we have to make some difficult choices and cross some lines.

Let’s talk about our three examples again.

These guys are very physical. If we want to stop them, we have to impose ourselves physically as well. If they target Messi, we will target Mbappe. Whatever they do to us, we will do to them. Don’t quote me, but De Paul might’ve thought something similar during the 2022 World Cup final.

We cannot be waiting for 2027 when they will just oppress us and rig again. If we want change, we must make it happen by force. Nigerians know what I’m talking about.

In church, we fight bullying by rebelling.

We think we’re fighting a good cause, but all anyone looking from outside would see is two violent groups going at each other’s throats.

So we go from one extreme to the other, then we fight fire with fire. In both cases, we are likely to end up the very monster we fight.

The scariest part of becoming the monster you’re fighting against is that you won’t even realize when it’s happening. When you refuse to forgive your friend because he refused to forgive you, it won’t occur to you that you have also become an unforgiving person.

So this is a case of prevention is better than cure.

What does this mean?

Imagine Dragons have a song called Natural. You’ll enjoy it.

In this song, Imagine Dragons talk about the difficulty of life and how the price for survival is your heart. This part stands out for me…

That's the price you pay
Leave behind your heart and cast away
Just another product of today
Rather be the hunter than the prey

We would all rather be the hunter than the prey. And that often means that when we get tired of being hunted, we turn and become the hunters. And at that point, there is no difference between what we are up against and who we have become.

But how is this possible? Why is it so easy to lose ourselves in the fight?

As long as you keep your eyes on the offense, you will condone everything you do in retaliation. You will not see your actions for what they are, you will only see them as a consequence of the initial offense.

You will not see your unforgiveness for what it is because you’re focused on your friend’s unforgiveness. You will not see your refusal to listen as a problem because you’re too focused on your mother’s refusal to listen. You will not see your cheating as a problem because you’re too focused on your boyfriend’s cheating.

Robespierre never saw a problem with his actions because he was so focused on the evil of the monarchy. He was doing the same things. Revolutionary or royalist, the French people couldn’t care less. The suffering was the same, maybe even worse under Robespierre.

Daenerys never once considered herself a tyrant towards the end. And many Game of Thrones fans would argue she had every right to flip out. But for someone who claimed she did not come to be Queen of the ashes, there was plenty of ash in Kingslanding when she was done.

Doing wrong in response to wrong is still wrong. There is no excuse for doing the wrong thing.

If only he hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have done this.

If only she hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t have said this.

It’s all nonsense. There is no excuse. In fact, I daresay if you truly had a problem with the offense, you wouldn’t be able to turn around and do the exact same thing in response. And this leads us to an even darker secret.

You’ve never had a problem with the offense. You only hate it because it was done to you.

Lying isn’t so bad, but you hate that it was done to you. You don’t hate that your mother is so strong-willed, you hate that you can’t get what you want. Corruption in government is normal, but it’s unacceptable that you’re not getting a cut.

You’re not so angry that your child speaks their mind, you’re angry because your ego has been bruised. Office gossip is sweet, until you are the victim. All fun and games when the bully is on your team, but you suddenly remember how bad it is when you’re on the receiving end.

Now is the time to be honest with yourself, brave fighter.

Why are you fighting the monster? Are you truly against the monster or would you just rather be the hunter than the prey? Do you have a problem with the actual offense or are you just tired of being a victim?

You might find that there are many battles you’re fighting that you shouldn’t be.

Defend her all you want. Say she had every right to lose her mind the way she did. Say the final season was rubbish. But I know this much. If you asked the people of Kingslanding, they would take Cersei over Daenerys.

Now you may be asking…

How should we fight? How do we keep from becoming the same monster we are fighting against?

I cannot claim to be an expert on the subject, but I’ll share my thoughts in the next article. I truly hope you’ll be patient enough to read it.

See you next time.

I promise I'll explain, but first a story.

I used to attend youth camp as a teenager. During one of the sessions, our uncle told us his love story and one part continues to blow my mind to this day. He wrote the love of his life a book of poems, the ultimate tribute to how amazing she was. This girl sent him back one poem in reply. She titled it…

Pouring Water in a Basket.

As soon as he said it, the entire building of teenagers erupted. It was a full-on boys versus girls battle. The girls said…

Oh my God, what an intentional man! The boys in our generation don't know how to chase a woman.

The boys weren't having it. Don't think I was an innocent bystander, I was right in the middle of it. The boys said…

Absolutely no way I'm putting in that much effort for a woman. No less a woman who is spitting in my face. She can go to hell for all I care.

Just to clarify, they got married. In fact, she was right there in the building laughing her heart out.

But that story sparked a conversation that has continued. Let’s talk about it from both sides of the equation. First…

The Suitor

This is the premise.

If you don't work for something, you won't value it. The more effort you put into earning something or someone, the more value you will attach.

As a general principle of life, this is flawed.

I say this for two reasons. Firstly…

We all value different things, or people, for different reasons. That value then moves us into putting in time and effort, not the other way around.

I felt like giving up so many times in university. I kept going only because of the value I attached to my bachelor of engineering degree. The value of the degree didn't go up with every assignment and exam. Instead, I persevered through all those hurdles because I already believed the degree was worth it.

Time and effort do not make the value. The value is what determines the time and effort.

Secondly…

Not everything hard to get is worth getting.

It’s easy to assume that something is valuable just because it’s hard to get. We believe that to get anything worthwhile, we must overcome a series of obstacles. Therefore, if something is difficult, it must be valuable.

Wrong.

Valuable and hard to get are separate descriptions. Sometimes there is an overlap, but not always. There are not many things worse than putting in hard work only to realize it was all for nothing. Here’s a trick.

Focus on the actual value.

Why do you think this person is a good idea? Are there actual qualities that make you value her or is it just because she seems hard to get?

If she is valuable, the rest of it doesn’t matter. The time, effort, and whatever else will not even matter to you whether big or small.

The Courted

This is the premise.

If I do not play hard to get, I will be taken for granted. I must make this person sweat so that they know just how precious I am.

Again, this is flawed.

I get it. Jacob agreed to work for 14 years without pay to get the love of his life. Why can’t it be the same for you?

But we have already established that people do not attach value based on how much effort they’ve put in. Instead, it’s the value they already perceive that will determine the effort they put in.

Now, don’t get me wrong.

I am not saying you should be cheap. Or loose. That is even worse.

My point is that you’re focusing on the wrong thing. Playing hard to get is not a good way to weed out the bad guys. Pretending not to care about someone is the wrong way to know whether he cares about you. Neither playing nor pretending will help you in this regard.

But you’re not the problem. I don’t blame you because many do not know the difference between having standards and playing hard to get. But there is an important difference.

Playing hard to get is an attempt to increase the perception of your value by pretending to be unavailable or uninterested. Essentially, you’re lying to push your suitor into wanting you more.

Having standards is deeper. When you have standards, it means there are qualities you are looking for in your suitor. Without those qualities, it doesn’t matter whether he never gives up. As long as he doesn’t meet your standards, nothing can happen.

One is based on a lie, the other is based on character.

Playing hard to get is simply inviting your suitor to try harder. Having standards pushes your suitor to look inward.

If it takes a long time to be sure he meets your standards, so be it. But the focus is on the standards, not the time.

If your suitor meets your standards, it doesn’t matter how hard to get you are. You will be interested, and showing your interest will not make him take you for granted. It doesn’t mean you’re throwing yourself at him.

It’s not about how long your suitor chases, it’s about how well he meets your standards.

Take your eye off the time and effort, and focus on the standards.

So what?

It’s a normal misconception to think that value is directly proportional to price, time, and effort.

Jon Bellion wrote a song I love so much called Stupid Deep.

What do you want the most in life? In other words, what do you value the most in life? Jon Bellion said he got it all wrong. He said…

What if where I've tried to go was always here?
And the path I've tried to cut was always clear?
Why has life become a plan, yeah
To put some money in my hand?
When the love I really need is stupid cheap.

Think about the most valuable things in your life. I won’t say they’re all free, but I know for a fact that they are not sorted by price or effort.

It is often said that the most valuable things in life are free. It's a cliche because it's true. The online gurus will tell you that you won't value something unless you pay for it, but I disagree. The psychology of value is a much deeper subject for another day.

But if you don't value something, even a million naira won't change that. If you do, it won't matter whether it's free or not.

You either value it or you don't.

Eventually, you will find that we spend so much time going after the pricey things only to realize that we value the cheaper things more.

Love is free, yet Jon Bellion kept trying to buy it. And we're just as guilty.

Do not think that the more money a suitor spends, the more they will value you. Or that the longer they stay, the more they will cherish you. I have friends who persevere for months only to get laid.

On the flip side, don’t think that the one who is “hard to get” is always the valuable one. Or that the more money you spend, the more amazing they are. None of these things determine value. Ask Jon Bellion.

Uncle Joe could only continue chasing after his beloved because he already believed she was worth it. The Pouring Water in a Basket poem did not change anything.

And Aunty Queen did not finally accept his proposal just because of how long he remained persistent, but because he met her standards for a man she could trust with her heart.

Finally…

To the suitor, determine value first and allow that to dictate the time and effort. Not everything hard to get is worth getting.

To the courted, love is free. Don’t play hard to get, have standards. It’s not about the quantity of time or money, but the quality of the suitor.

With that, I bid you farewell.

I'll see you next time with another hot take.

Why?

Because everyone thinks their way is the best. Or the worst.

I have a friend who is big on entrepreneurship. Let’s call him Greg. Whenever I talk to Greg about the challenges of 9-5 work, he makes the same retort.

9-5 work is slavery. You’re working to make another man’s dream a reality.

As far as Greg is concerned, only unambitious mucks would work a 9-5. It’s much more rewarding to do your own thing. You get to choose your schedule. You choose who to work for. You’d be living life on your terms. And many more things. We all have that friend, right?

By now all the 9-5ers are screaming in agreement and all the entrepreneurs are claiming their innocence. But entrepreneurs aren’t the only bullies around. 9-5ers can also be annoying, especially when your business isn’t moving as you hope. They make it seem like your dream is rubbish.

It’s worse if they have side hustles. Best of both worlds and all that. And the bullying doesn’t stop there. Have you ever talked to a tech bro about careers?

Oh, man.

How about a forex trader? And let’s not even talk about Web 3 people.

The point is that everyone thinks their industry is the best. The most lucrative. Honourable. Challenging. I’ve run out of adjectives, but you catch my drift.

At the same time, everyone also believes their industry is the worst.

Remote workers will tell you about late nights, forex traders will show you screenshots of red streaks, 9-5ers will tell you about early mornings and annoying bosses, and entrepreneurs will tell you about all the uncertainty and volatility that come with running a business.

That’s the funnily annoying part of it. Is your career path the best or the worst? Pick a side!

Why do people do this? I’ll tell you why.

Human beings are inherently wired to compete. We just aren’t built to accept someone else outdoing us. If my friend is better than me at one thing, maybe I can accept it. But I must be better than them at something else.

Is your life going great? Mine is better.

Does your life suck? Wait until you hear about mine!

Life is all about competition for us. Sometimes it’s a healthy competition, like when my girlfriend always wants to outdo me with gifts. Other times, it gets toxic. But I’m not here to talk about competition.

When all your friends start to talk about how great, or depressing, their lives are, there are some things you should remember.

1. Everyone goes through those times of doubt

   There is not a single person on earth thriving in their profession who has never wondered whether it’s all a waste of time. So when they sound so sure of how successful this or that is, don’t be fooled. Your friends are often just as clueless as you are.

2. Success can be found anywhere

   And I’m not only talking about the success that Christians describe which is found in Heaven. I’m also talking about financial success right here in this life. You can make money doing absolutely anything. Wonder how I know? Pick any random profession, you’ll find someone making millions off it.

3. Chase fulfillment, not success

   Success alone brings no one fulfillment. And without fulfillment, nothing else matters. I know many who graduated with an engineering degree but were left feeling like they wasted time. They were successful but not fulfilled.

Frank Sinatra sang a song about this called My Way. It’s a wonderful classic.

In this song, old boy Frank is at the end of the road. He’s an accomplished man looking back on his life. As you would expect, his journey was full of many ups and downs, but he had one point of pride. He said…

My friend, I'll say it clear

I'll state my case, of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full

I traveled each and every highway

And more, much more than this

I did it my way

To Frank, the best part of it all was that he lived his life on his terms. He made mistakes and enjoyed successes. But he did it his way.

Now, that’s a man at the end of his journey. For many of us, the journey is only starting. I think it’s wise to take a leaf out of his book. There is money everywhere, there is success in every field. But fulfillment can only be found on one condition.

You must love what you do. Live life on your terms.

In the days of my parents, government work was the best you could get. Now retired, many people from that generation are telling their children that it wasn’t worth it. You don’t want that.

You can get success anywhere. You can make money whatever you choose to do. It doesn't have to be forex. It doesn't have to be tech. It doesn't have to be anything.

Don't just pick a career path because of success.

You don't want to get to the pinnacle of your career and feel empty. You don't want to experience the heights of success without fulfillment.

So the next time you're wondering whether you're on the wrong path, ask yourself.

What will give me fulfillment?

How can I live life on my terms?

You must decide what will give you that elusive experience. God. Money. Ambition. Human rights. I won't critique your choice of what gives you fulfillment.

But you must find it.

There is no other way.

Because success is not enough. Only fulfillment will do it.

No options.

Does that sound familiar? Have you ever gone from having too many options to absolutely none?

I have, and it's one of the most confusing swings ever

When I graduated from the university, I was all over the place. Behind the smiles and celebrations, I was panicking a bit. What was I going to do after school? I had no idea, and not for a lack of options.

I could’ve been a writer like my heart said, a civil engineer like I trained to be, or a data scientist like my head wanted.

And it wasn’t just the potential, I had actual opportunities in each field. This decision kept me up at night, like a sword hanging over my head.

Fast forward to months into NYSC, everywhere was bone dry.

I mean bone dry.

Like Ezekiel would be afraid.

There were no writing gigs. I was stuck on my data science project making no headway. And I had already “abandoned” civil engineering, at least for the service year.

The end of NYSC kept coming closer and closer, and I’ll be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to it. I kept asking that dreadful question.

What next?

Now what?

If you’ve seen the cartoon Frozen you’ve probably heard this wonderful song by Aurora called Into the Unknown.

You see, the thing about these sudden switches is that they come with bucket-loads of confusion.

It would be great if only life would align itself so that those six options come one at a time. Why on earth does it have to be six options at one time and no options at another time?

As different as the two sides of that pendulum might be, they have one thing in common.

Choices.

When you have many options, you have to choose. That part is clear. Making the choice is the tricky part.

But when you have no option, you still have to choose. I know it sounds a bit weird. How can you choose when you have no options in front of you? I’ll explain.

When there are no options, the temptation is strong to turn back the way you came. You start to wonder whether this was a dead-end you should never have tried. Should you wait or give up?

That’s the big dilemma.

And as much as they feel like opposite sides of life, the two sides of our pendulum are linked. In fact, it’s not really a pendulum at all if you pay close attention.

Have you ever seen how sound waves look on a graph?

Life isn’t a pendulum. A pendulum swings back and forth without making any actual progress. Life is more of a sine wave, like the one in the picture. It’s continuous.

I know, I know. My ex was right.

I’m a bit of a nerd.

Back to my point.

When you’re faced with many options, you struggle to decide. Then when the options disappear, you doubt the decision you made when you had many options.

So by the time you have another set of options to pick from, you’re even less confident in yourself and more likely to make a bad decision.

It’s a terrible cycle.

Instead, adopt Aurora’s philosophy. Read what she says in that song.

Are you here to distract me so I make a big mistake?
Or are you someone out there who's a little bit like me?
Who knows deep down I'm not where I'm meant to be?
Every day's a little harder, as I feel my power grow
Don't you know there's part of me that longs to go

Into the unknown…

The first step to making choices is accepting that you cannot know the future. You are stepping into the unknown.

And that’s okay. Embrace it.

The fear of the unknown is what makes us so uneasy when faced with many options and the subsequent lack of options makes us doubt our earlier decisions.

But this is a lesson I’m learning right now.

It’s not that deep.

Are you where you’re meant to be? If your answer is yes, alhamdulillah for you, my friend. But if not, step into the unknown.

When you have many options in front of you, make your choice. You’ll have your decision-making process, I’m sure, but the truth is that you’re stepping into the unknown.

You simply cannot know for sure where each decision will lead.

And when those options dry out, remember that life is a sine wave.

The mistake we often make is that we think every decision we make is life-defining. We think that if we mess up one decision, that's the end. Life is ruined.

That couldn't be further from the truth, and I'll prove it to you.

Cast your mind back in time. Think about all the mistakes you've made. All the times you decided to sleep instead of studying. All the scum women you trusted with your heart. Or the business deals that have gone horribly wrong.

Granted, life might've been a big better without those mistakes, but is your life really ruined beyond repair?

There are basic principles of life that should be obeyed, I agree. Don't use this as an excuse to be an idiot. But those 50/50 decisions shouldn't keep you up at night so much. As much as it may seem so, your life doesn't depend on that one decision.

So what should you do when there are too many options?

Decide.

And when the barren moments come and you start second-guessing yourself? Those moments where you wonder whether to give up or wait?

Don’t give up. Don’t wait either. I know I said those were your two options, but there’s a third.

Move forward.

Even when it seems like the options are drying up, keep moving.

Trust the process, my friend. It’s physics, and you’re not Roman Abramovich.

So trust the process.

See you next time.

Things aren't working out. Life starts to get in the way. Distractions are coming up from every angle. And you just decide to take a break. A short break, you convince yourself.

Suddenly it's been ages and you have no idea how time flew by so fast. Trust me, I've been there.

In fact, I am there right now. I'll give you the gist.

In 2022, I started writing on Medium. I'd take a song and pull out some stories and lessons to share with anyone who bothered to read. As my audience began to grow, I started looking for a more convenient platform.

I went from Medium to MailChimp to Revue. None of them really gave me what I was looking for. For that, I had to pay.

So I took a break. It was supposed to be a short one, just until I could figure out this platform thing. That's what I told myself.

This is 2025.

My friend, Jessie, posted an article on Medium. As usual, I ran to read it. She's a wonderful writer. But you know how it goes online. I went from one article to another until I stumbled back into my old profile.

My nine Medium articles were right there staring at me. As I read those articles, I couldn't help but miss the writer I used to be.

Some of the wisdom in those articles feel too much for an idiot like me, but I read somewhere recently that…

Writing teaches the writer more than the reader.

And you know what? I'm ready to learn again.

I gave up, but I'm back again.

ODESZA collaborated with Sasha Sloan to create a wonderful song called Falls that talks about this.

Have a listen below.

You see, the thing about giving up is that it comes with two well-crafted lies.

1. There's nothing worse than a quitter

2. If you start over, you'll give up again.

First of all, you feel plenty of shame for giving up. Then if you think you'll give up again, imagine the shame that comes with being a repeat quitter.

But it's all a lie.

As Sasha Sloan says…

Everybody falls down, all the way down, you just gotta hold on tight.

You gotta get up, gotta get up, gonna make it through this time

There's no shame in giving up. It happens to the best of us. Falling down isn't the bad part, it's staying down that makes things messy.

So what should you do?

Fall, then get up.

Will you fall again? Sure. Then get up again.

It's hard to get up the first time, but it gets easier. Don't spend so much energy trying to stop yourself from falling because when the fall happens, you're more likely to give up. All that energy and you still fell. What's the point?

Instead, put all that energy into making sure you get back up without thinking twice. Eventually, the falling will feel like a blip because you're so used to getting back up again.

Then what's the point of falling if you're back on your feet the next second?

You're getting it now, aren't you?

There you go. From one fallen friend to another, get back up.

I'm doing it right now.

Will you join me?