Then a question dropped into my thinking, and I knew immediately it was not mine.

Do you know there is one man in the Old Testament who was married to only one wife?

If you know me, you know I live in the New Testament. I read the Old Testament, but I read it in the light of the finished work of the cross. So whenever something comes up from that side of the Bible, my first instinct is always to ask what it means for us now.

Still, I answered Him. Okay. Who is it?

And the moment I asked, my mind went straight to Isaac.

Isaac, son of Abraham. Married to Rebekah. Two sons. And no record anywhere in Scripture of another wife. In a culture where multiple wives were normal, where his own father had a second woman, and his own son had four, Isaac had one.

Then came the instruction. I want you to teach about their love story.

I pushed back. It was not a love story. It was a marriage arrangement with a servant, a camel and a well.

He was not moved. Teach the process they went through to come together.

So I did what I always do. I took notes and meditated on it. I sat with that chapter until the keys started to surface: the principles underneath that story that lead a person into a lasting, godly marriage with one person.

And then fear kicked in.

The fear had a very reasonable voice

Here is what fear said to me, and notice how sensible it sounded.

Bunmi, look around you. Marriages are ending everywhere. And plenty of the ones that are not ending are not exactly thriving either. You yourself have had hard seasons in your marriage. Who are you to stand up and teach women about One Man, One Wife? You will be handing them false hope.

That is the part I want you to pay attention to, because I think you have your own version of it.

The fear was not lying about the facts. The facts were true. Marriages are breaking. Some are intact and painful. I have had my own hard stretches, and I am not going to pretend otherwise.

But being factual and being the truth are not the same thing.

What is common is not the same as what is true

As I was walking through all of this in my head, the Holy Spirit began to work on my heart. Not with a rebuke but with a reframe.

Just because something is the lived reality of many people does not make it God’s word on the matter.

Go back to the beginning. God made them male and female. He brought the woman to the man. He called them one flesh. That was His original intent, before sin entered in Genesis chapter three. Nothing that has happened since has changed His heart towards the thing we now call marriage.

The divorce rate is a report. It is not a doctrine.

Your friend’s painful marriage is a real event. It is not a prophecy over your life and marriage.

And my own hard seasons do not disqualify me from teaching what God said. If anything, they are part of why I can teach it without selling anybody a fantasy.

In those hard seasons, I learned firsthand that choosing the right person does not mean you will not have challenges. What matters is whether you will still keep choosing them, or spend your days questioning your choice. I also learned more about myself as a woman and what I wanted out of life and marriage. My God-dependence grew, because when you are out of options, God is THE option.

Let me be clear about what I am not saying

This matters enough for me to pause here.

When I teach One Man, One Wife, I am not standing over the woman whose marriage ended. I am not measuring the woman in a second marriage and finally at peace. I am not building a hierarchy where some women are holy, and others are damaged goods. Far from it.

The title is One Man, One Wife. The essence of the teaching is preparation. The whole point of teaching it is to put keys in your hand so that you can choose well the first time, and so that you walk into the marriage you have been praying for already carrying what that marriage will require of you.

That is a teaching about your agency and not a verdict on anybody’s past.

I delayed, and I want to be honest about that

A month before I taught it, I was due to teach a different webinar on “How to enjoy each day until you say I do.” The night before, the Holy Spirit prompted me again. You should be teaching One Man, One Wife.

I said no, but not out of rebellion. I had advertised a topic, women had registered for that topic, and I was not going to switch it the night before. Integrity meant delivering what I said I would deliver.

So I taught the first webinar as promised. Then a month later, I taught One Man, One Wife.

Thirteen women came into the Becoming Married Programme off the back of it. I am not telling you that to boast about a number. I am telling you because I had spent weeks convinced that this message would help nobody, and the fruit said something completely different.

Fear had already written the review before the thing had even happened.

A thought is not a fact

How many times have you been convinced you were about to get into trouble, and nothing happened?

That is the exact mechanism I want you to see. A thought can arrive in your mind fully formed and completely sure of itself, and still not be describing your life.

What if I never marry?

What if I marry and choose wrong?

What if the man I am with is not the one?

You can have that thought without hosting it. There is a real difference between a fear passing through your mind and a fear that has been given a chair, a cup of tea and permission to move in. When it settles, it stops being a thought and becomes anxiety you carry around in your body every day.

The instruction in Scripture is not to pretend the thought never came. It is to take it captive and hold it up against what God has said in His Word. You are not to argue with the fear on its own terms, but to answer it with truth from Scripture.

What you are carrying is not false hope

I want to say something here, because I know some of you have been made to feel foolish for still believing for your marriage.

Faith is not denial. Faith is seeing a thing in your heart first, expecting it to become real, and then bringing your actions into line with what you have seen so that it can.

That last part is the one people skip. Seeing without aligning is just wishing. I am just saying.

Scripture calls faith the title deed of what we hope for. A title deed is not a feeling. It is a document that says the thing is yours before you are standing in it. And every promise of God finds its yes in Him.

So if God has stirred your heart to be married, and to be married to one person until He calls you home, you can have that.

Not only can you have it, but you can also have it without the version of marriage you have been quietly bracing yourself for. You can be married and not be at war in your own house. You can be married and actually enjoy the man. You can marry later than you planned and still build the family you have prayed for.

God is good even when the timeline does not go the way we asked. That is why you trust Him and His Word, not the fear and what it is saying.

That is not false hope. False hope is hope with nothing underneath it. This has the character of God underneath it.

So what do you do with the fear

You do not wait for it to leave. You answer it.

Name the fear out loud, in actual words, rather than letting it operate as a mood you carry through your days and seasons.

Find what God has said about it. Not a nice quote, but Scripture. Scripture is dependable and can be relied on. Quotes, not so much.

Say that Scripture over yourself until it is louder than the fear. Affirming the Word is not performance. It is how your mind gets renewed until you believe only what God says.

Then move. Let your preparation match what you say you believe, because faith that never changes a single decision was never faith.

This is the whole heart of what I do. That is why I tell women, don’t just wait. Become the woman for the marriage you are praying for. The woman who is preparing while she believes is not the same woman as the one who is only hoping while she waits.

I nearly let a fear talk me out of a message that thirteen women walked through the door on. Do not let yours talk you out of the marriage God has stirred you to believe for.

I love you, and I am praying you into a blessed marriage.

Believing is one half of it. Choosing well is the other. If you want to get clear on your values, name your non-negotiables and know what you are actually looking for in a spouse, that is what the Choose Wisely Toolkit walks you through. Get yours HERE.

And tell me in the comments: which fear on that list is the one you have been carrying? Name it here. That is the first step.

She is a single mother and a hardworking woman. Being a single mum has had its moments, but she is still making it through life.

Then she meets Ben, and they start dating. Eventually, he proposes, and she says yes. No longer will she be shamed for being a single mother, she thinks to herself.

They start planning their wedding and their lives together as husband and wife. They share more of their assets, or so it appears.

It’s time for the wedding, and Ben tells Lucy her salary should be paid into his account going forward. They are going to be married, and as the man of the house, he is in charge of their money.

She agrees. Her salary gets paid into his account.

He uses the money for their traditional marriage ceremony, and she has no money for the rest of the month.

And so the pattern begins.

Family and close friends who know tell her it is a bad precedent, but she ignores them. She wants to be married. As a single mum, what are the chances of another man wanting her and her child?

I know this story seems like a glaringly obvious example with red flags written all over it. But out of curiosity, how do you think this marriage will go?

No one plans for their marriage to fail

Ask any bride on or before her wedding day about her hopes and dreams, and I can assure you that a failed marriage isn’t one of them.

Yet we know that many marriages fail, and more will do so in the future. I am not prophesying, by the way. I am stating a fact based on current societal patterns.

Through my work and from my observations of marriages, I have seen two phases where marriages fail long before the couple exchange their vows.

It’s not because they don’t communicate, have financial issues, weren’t intimate or had irreconcilable differences. Some marriages don’t have any of these issues and still end in divorce.

The marriages that failed before the wedding even ended did so because of what the couple did before they met each other, and what they did as they dated and courted.

Marriages, especially successful ones, are built long before the couple say the words “I do.”

Notice I keep saying before the words “I do.” This is because, in many instances, the success of the marriage was already determined before the wedding day.

Does this mean a marriage can’t succeed without this work? Of course it can. But it needs clear intentions and both parties willing to make it work.

Can you start badly and still have a good marriage? The answer is a resounding yes, but it will take wisdom, commitment, discipline, a heart that wants to make it work, and people actually doing the hard work. Plus, if they are Christians, listening to the guidance of the Holy Spirit at every stage.

That said, if you want a great marriage, you have to consider these two phases.

Phase 1 is the phase before the couple meet; single, with no partner. Phase 2 is when the couple are dating and courting.

Phase 1: Before the couple meet

By now, you may be tired of hearing me say that thriving in singleness is necessary for a great marriage. Enjoying your life before marriage and preparing for it are key parts of your journey if you want to get married.

If you’ve never heard me say this, or even if you have, hear me now. Thriving in singleness will set you up for a successful relationship and marriage.

So what does that look like? Thriving as a single woman looks like:

• Being authentically yourself, clear on your values, what matters to you, and living by those values

• Knowing and living out your divine purpose, even as you progress in your career, business and ministry

• Flourishing in your relationships with God, family, friends and colleagues

• Preparing for marriage spiritually, emotionally, mentally, socially, financially and physically

• Embracing all that life has to offer in this season, and having fun while you’re at it

• Learning from those who are ahead of you

If you are doing these things, you are less likely to settle for a relationship that isn’t right for you. You are more likely to recognise the right type of man for you.

Any relationship that comes into your life should add value to what is already working well, not remove or replace it.

As I say often, a relationship is the icing on the cake, but you are the cake. Have you ever tasted a really good cake? It is the cake itself that hits all those endorphin spots for you, not the icing.

Never forget that a relationship is an addition to you, not an achievement. You are the main thing. Being who you’re supposed to be and living the life you’re meant to live is the main thing. Everything else is secondary, including marriage.

When you meet the right man while thriving in singleness, only then do you move to the next phase.

And by the way, this is where your eyes need to be wide open.

Phase 2: When the couple are dating and courting

Dating and courting aren’t marriage. Often, we treat this phase as a point of no return, but it isn’t.

You can date and court without getting married. I’ll say it again, because this point bears repeating: you can date and court as a Christian woman and still not marry the man. It is not a point of no return.

When you are dating, you should be observing and assessing each other. Dating is when you see if this person aligns with your values, goals, vision and interests. These are some of the basics for a successful relationship and marriage, not love alone.

What will you build your relationship and marriage on if these basics aren’t aligned? Attraction, money and the material trappings of marriage can fade. So there must be more to your relationship than them.

This is why you must know your own values, goals, interests and vision. You cannot test for alignment against something you haven’t defined.

Only when there is alignment should you proceed to courting.

For clarity, courting is the process of building a relationship for marriage. Here, there is the intent to marry the person you’ve chosen to be in a relationship with. Dating, on the other hand, is the process of getting to know someone without the commitment of a relationship.

Dating comes before courting. Each one requires you to be aware of who you are, what you want and where you are going. You also need to pay attention to any red flags or unsettled feelings.

In some of the conversations I have had with women whose marriages didn’t work, there were common themes.

“I thought he, or those behaviours, would change.”

“His family had issues, but I thought they wouldn’t affect us.”

“It was afterwards that I realised I didn’t know what I wanted.”

“We were so different, but there was attraction and love, so I thought that was enough.”

“I wish I knew then what I know now.”

The issues that lead to divorce are usually present when the couple are dating. Dating and courtship flag the preparatory work that wasn’t done before the relationship started. People see red flags and hope that things will change.

Marriage never changed anybody. People change because they want to change, not because they want to make their spouses happy. Happiness is a byproduct of the internal change that takes place in each person.

The work, if you want it

If you want to have a great marriage, take at least thirty minutes today or this weekend and do the following.

Grab a journal and a pen. Answer the four questions below. Then set one task, based on your answers, to complete in the next seven days.

Who am I? This is about self-awareness and a heightened sense of self. Think values, preferences, beliefs, personal convictions.

Why am I here? This is about knowing the inherent reason for your day-to-day living. Think purpose, skills, innate abilities.

Where am I going? This is about the future direction you’re heading in. Think vision, goals, desires.

What kind of man do I want? This is about envisioning the type of man who will align with the first three answers. Think character, personality, behaviours, patterns.

Wherever you are on your journey to marriage, I want you to know that you can have a great marriage. Using each phase of your journey well is what will ensure that happens.

Until next time, keep waiting gracefully and choose wisely.

Before you go: Of the four questions above, one of them is always harder than the others. Tell me in the comments which one, and why. I read every single one

Most single Christian women are stuck in "waiting mode," putting life on hold until a husband appears. But what if God is using your singleness to prepare you for something beautiful? Download your free Marriage Preparation Checklist and discover the 15 things you can do RIGHT NOW to become marriage-ready. Download Here.

“That’s not a good idea. How would we survive? We need both our incomes.”

We were taking a walk, and I wanted to broach the subject of leaving my job. I had been growing dissatisfied with work and had been asking God what was next.

In my quiet moments, He had shown me it was time to leave.

This was me trying to tell my husband, and not doing a great job of convincing him why I should.

We carried on walking, and I changed the topic, but in my heart I was disappointed. I thought he would immediately say go for it, because he knew I wasn’t happy at work anymore.

So I talked to the Holy Spirit about what had happened. “He is Your son. Talk to him and tell him what You are telling me.” I had learned that some things need to be received, not forced.

Fast forward a few months and I found out I was pregnant with our first child. This time, the sense that it was time to leave became even stronger.

I broached the topic again. He listened, and said he would have to start job hunting.

Giving birth and becoming a mum changed me deeply. Or perhaps I should say it gave me clarity about the life and the home I wanted. I knew that leaving work at the time would help create that.

When my maternity leave year started coming to an end, we decided that I should resign. He still didn’t have a new job, but we knew it was something I needed to do. So I went into the office and told my boss I was leaving.

That same week, he had an interview for a new job and got it. The icing on the cake? His new salary was his old salary and mine combined. There was no way we could have planned that.

The qualities that made the leap possible

I don’t share this for the testimony. I share it for the qualities you need in a man, especially if you are an ambitious or visionary woman.

The reason I could take that leap out of employment and into the unknown was that I had a partner who was supportive, humble, teachable and willing to listen.

As an ambitious, driven, go-getter woman, you cannot afford to marry a man who lacks these qualities.

Why?

Because he will hold you back. Even though he didn’t see the vision initially, my husband was willing to listen to me. Eventually, he caught the vision and aligned with me on what needed to happen.

But Bunmi, your husband said no at first. Isn’t that the very thing you are warning me about?

No. Disagreement is not obstruction. A man is allowed to hear something new and need time with it. What you are watching for is what he does next.

Does he listen, pray, ask questions and move? Or does he close the subject and keep it closed? One scenario is a man thinking. The other is a man deciding on your behalf.

God did not give the vision to men only

Some married women cannot broach the topic of what they want to achieve, because everything is about what the man wants to accomplish. There is no space for her dreams or her goals. Everything is in service to his.

It doesn’t help that some Christian denominations have reduced a woman’s role to homemaker and not much else. She must support her husband’s calling. Where he is in ministry, she must do everything to ensure he succeeds.

This counters God’s first instruction to man. In Genesis 1:28, God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it” (NIV). He said that to both the male and the female He had created.

That word fruitful means to produce excellent results. Both men AND women are to produce excellent results, not the man alone.

God’s plans and His heart are for both men and women to succeed in life. Success is not a male-specific desire in His heart.

I appreciate that our African culture is still quite patriarchal, and often places a woman’s success second to a man’s. That is true. But God’s Word and His heart are the truth.

He gives both men and women visions for extending His kingdom here on earth. Your desires and your ambitions do not have to shrink because you want to be married. In fact, they should not shrink in the pursuit of marriage, because you will never feel truly fulfilled if they do.

So lean into your relationship with God, capture His vision for your life, and then seek to make it a reality day by day. Dream big and do bold things. That is what God desires of you.

Then seek these qualities in a life partner.

Support. Humility. Teachability. A willingness to listen.

What support looks like

You want a man who will support you to achieve what God has placed on your heart. If he consistently finds ways to sabotage your efforts, that is a sign of what married life will look like.

Support will look different depending on the vision you are birthing and the man you are married to. For me, support looks like him sorting out the kids on the nights I am teaching the Becoming Married Programme. Support looks like him posting my Waiting Gracefully book to people who can promote it. What would support look like for you?

What humility looks like

Humility is so needed today, in both men and women. As a visionary woman, a humble man is happy for you to shine without wanting to share the spotlight. Humility is him acknowledging that the vision God gave you is important and key to the success of your life and your marriage. He doesn’t feel the need to be on the stage with you, because it is not about him.

For me, humility looks as simple as him acknowledging my writing skills and giving me the lead as “our family writer.” It is him receiving prophetic words about me and the vision I am building, without making it about himself.

What teachability looks like

We talk about being teachable a lot, but what does that look like in the right type of man for you? It looks like him being willing to learn new things in the pursuit of your joint futures. It looks like him acknowledging what he doesn’t know, and accepting new perspectives and information.

If you are dating right now, or have dated in the past, I want you to ask yourself this question: is he open to learning new things, or new ways of being?

For me, teachability looks like him doing some of the household chores the way I do them, because he sees that my way is better. If he is willing to do that with the chores, imagine what else he is willing to do.

What a willingness to listen looks like

We all have a schema, a mental structure built from our background and our experiences that helps us organise information, interpret what happens to us and decide how to respond. We are all products of what we have lived, and our schema is often what makes us feel safe.

The issue isn’t the schema. The issue is the willingness to introduce new or differing information into it. You want a man who is willing to listen and, where necessary, accept new and differing information. Not for his own safety alone, but for the safety of your union.

For me, this looks like him listening to my desires for Christmas holiday traditions that look nothing like what he had growing up. It looks like him not only listening, but creating new traditions with me.

Marriage was never meant to usurp your God-given vision and direction, because marriage is not the goal. Knowing Jesus and making Him known is the goal. Every time you seek to fulfil your God-given vision, you are doing exactly that.

You want a man who supports you in doing that, as you support him in doing the same. That is what a healthy, God-centred partnership looks like. So seek that.

Don't just wait for a man who will one day make room for you. Become the woman who knows what God has asked her to build and refuses to shrink it to be chosen.

Reflect on this

1. What has God given you to build? Say it in one sentence. If you cannot say it plainly, that is the work to do now, before any man is in the picture.

2. Think of the last man you dated or spoke with seriously. When you brought him something he had not considered before, what did he do with it? Did he listen, or did he close the subject?

3. What would support actually need to look like in your daily life, given your vision? Name three practical things, not feelings.

Tell me in the comments what support would need to look like for the vision you are carrying. Be specific. Someone reading this has never once thought to name it.

If this spoke to you, send it to a friend who is building something and quietly wondering whether marriage will cost her the vision.

You cannot assess a man for support, humility or teachability if you have never named what you are building. Start there. Download the free marriage preparation checklist: 15 things you can do right now to become marriage-ready while you are still single. GET THE CHECKLIST HERE.

© 2026 Bunmi Oduah. All rights reserved.

“My parents prayed, and they said you are not my wife.”

I was confused, and my heart sank. I was not offended, just confused because I could not work out why his parents were the ones making that decision for him. He was a grown man and was the one talking to me. He was the one who would have to build a life with whoever he married. Yet the verdict came from two people in another house entirely.

At the time, I filed it under “strange,” but didn’t call it what it was.

I have now been married ten years, and at one of my recent retreats, I learned that the same man is still not married. Thankfully, I met my husband shortly after that season ended.

That is what red flags do. They do not announce themselves. They arrive dressed as something else, and we call them strange, funny, just how men are, or just our culture, and we move on. It is only years later, sitting with the wreckage they leave behind, that we can recognise and name what we saw.

Why we stop seeing them

We have accepted a great deal as normal because everything and everyone around us has told us it is normal. From the memes to the influencers repeating each other’s opinions until they sound like wisdom. It’s the cultural messaging we were raised inside and sometimes the pulpit, where behaviour that should have been confronted gets covered in religious language, or given a Bible verse to stand on.

So the thing that should be named for what it is never named. Instead, it is normalised.

I see this again and again in the women I mentor. You hear their stories after the fact, and it is clear the signs were all there while they were choosing a spouse. What was missing was not information but having a sense of what that information would cost them later.

And red flags that we don’t confront cost more in marriage than in dating. In marriage, you come in believing you must give it your all, and if you sit under certain church messaging, you have also been told that whether it works or not rests squarely on your shoulders as a woman. So you absorb, cover, carry, pray and stay.

A prudent man sees the evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished [with suffering]. (Proverbs 22:3, AMPC)

Seeing red flags is not cynicism. It is prudence, and God expects you to look.

So let me name some red flags for you. Not all of them, but the ones I see most, and what each one becomes once you are married to it.

1. There is no consistent, transparent source of income

“He is a businessman. He does business.”

But probe a little further, and nobody can tell you what the business actually is. Or you can see money moving, sometimes a great deal of it, but you cannot trace where it comes from. Sometimes, the money appears in bursts, then vanishes for months, and nobody talks about the months in between.

While you are dating, this is easy to miss, because the attention feels good. The gifts you receive feel good.

What it costs you in marriage: you become the stable financial one by default. Not by agreement, but because the bills do not care that his deal fell through. You carry a financial weight you never agreed to carry, and there is no honest conversation to be had about it because the truth was never on the table in the first place. That leads to resentment, exhaustion, and then conflict that could have been avoided entirely.

2. He is a certain age and has never stayed with anything

If you meet a man at forty who has never held down a stable job, who is always chasing the next deal with nothing to show for the last five deals, he will stress you out.

With him, there is always a bigger thing coming. And when it does not work, there is another bigger thing behind it. He has never given anything enough time to grow into something tangible.

Here is what you may not know: that type of man does not usually run that pattern in only one area of his life. Work is simply where you can see it easily. With him, you are looking at a man who has never developed staying capacity.

What it costs you in marriage: Similar to the financial weight of the first red flag,you’ll likely end up bearing it but with an extra layer of tiredness. A tiredness that comes from you becoming the permanent cheerleader for a man who never arrives. And underneath it sits a question you cannot shake: “If he has never stayed with anything, will he stay with me?”

3. His family makes his decisions

I am not talking about a man who honours his parents. Honour is beautiful, and I would be wary of a man who has no regard for the people who raised him.

I am talking about a man in his thirties who cannot decide anything without running it past his family. A new job goes to the family WhatsApp group. A master’s degree goes to the committee. Who he should marry is decided by the family, not him.

This is the type of man I was talking to at the beginning of this article. His parents prayed about me, and their prayer became his answer. He didn’t seek God for himself or weigh me against his checklist.

Genesis 2:24 tells us a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Leaving is not a wedding-day event. It is a capacity built long before the wedding, through the ordinary practice of making decisions that are his own. A man who has never made an autonomous decision has not learned to leave. And you cannot cleave to a man who has not left his family behind.

What it costs you in marriage: Your in-laws will be in your family business, in your finances, in your parenting and in your conflicts. Not because they are wicked, but because that is the arrangement he has always lived under, and marrying you does not change it. Every disagreement between the two of you quietly becomes a disagreement between you and his family members. You never truly get to become one as the Bible intended.

4. He has no true spiritual foundation

He attends church, and he may even serve there. But there is no relationship with God underneath it. Church is a social gathering, an inherited habit, something he does rather than someone he is. He fasts when the church fasts, shows up for prayer meetings, but at the end of the day, it is all part of what is expected.

But he is such a good man. I know. He may well be kind, generous, decent, everything you would want on paper, but does he have a relationship with God? If your faith is one of your core values, no matter how good he is, he is still a red flag for you. Because marriage is about alignment and compatibility, and honestly, you are not aligned.

What it costs you in marriage: one of two things tends to happen. Either he pulls you down to his level, quietly, over years, until your own walk with God has thinned out to nothing. Or you build your faith alone. Praying alone, growing alone, raising children alone in the things of God. Married, but single in the area of your faith.

Yes, we each work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. But there is a difference between personal responsibility and carrying a whole household’s spiritual life on your back while the man beside you is indifferent to it. Scripture asks what fellowship light has with darkness (2 Corinthians 6:14), and there are only ever two kingdoms. If God has delivered you out of the control of darkness and transferred you into the kingdom of His Son, you are a citizen of light. Building a home with someone who is not costs you far more than you can see from where you are standing today.

5. His word means nothing

I am putting two things together here on purpose, because I believe they share a root.

There is the man who has been unfaithful to you with other women. And there is the man who is simply not faithful to his own word. He says he will do a thing and does not do it. He commits and withdraws. He is consistently inconsistent.

But he has never actually cheated on me. Not yet. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). Where exactly do you imagine the line sits between what a man permits himself to think and what he eventually permits himself to do?

What it costs you in marriage: you lose your peace. Jesus said, “Peace, I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives…” (John 14:27). Peace is God’s intention for you, and a man you cannot trust cannot give it to you.

What you get instead is vigilance. The low hum of anxiety that never quite switches off. You start checking his phone and hating yourself for checking his phone. You question your own memory of conversations, your own judgement, and your own worth. You should not have to spend your marriage working out which version of your husband is telling the truth.

6. Watch how he handles anger, and how he handles being told no

This is the one we normalise most, because we have been raised to treat it as a fact of life. All men shout. That is just how he is. You know his temper, so do not provoke him.

So, let’s look past the shouting and look at the pattern around it. What happens when he does not get his way? How does he respond when you disagree with him in front of other people? Does the room go cold for three days? Does he go silent until you apologise for something you did not do?

And notice who gets this version of him. If he is patient everywhere else and only ever loses control with you, that is not a temper problem. That is a choice he is exercising. If he can control his anger and words in public or at work, then he is capable of doing so with you.

What it costs you in marriage: you stop being a wife and start being a weather forecaster. You read his face before you speak. His moods determine the atmosphere in the house. So, you start to manage the children’s noise around his moods. You choose the day, the hour and the tone in which you are allowed to raise anything difficult, and eventually you stop raising things at all, because the cost of speaking is higher than the cost of swallowing it.

That is how a woman disappears inside her own home. And let me say this with love, because someone reading this needs to hear it. A temper that is excused during courtship does not soften after the wedding. It amplifies, because now you cannot leave the room.

7. Watch how he treats people who can do nothing for him

When he is dating or courting you, he is on his best behaviour, but he does not need to perform for the waiter. So watch him with the waiter, the driver, the cleaner, or the security man at the gate. Watch him with his mother and his sisters. Watch him with your friends, whom he has no reason to impress.

But he is so lovely to me. Of course he is. You are the one he is trying to win. What tells you his true self is how he treats the person who has nothing to give him. Notice his words, body language and general demeanour.

What it costs you in marriage: when a man is performing, the courtesy runs out when the courtship does. A man who is dismissive of people beneath him will eventually be dismissive of you, because marriage moves you out of the category of someone he must impress. Here is something you need to know: your children will learn how to treat people by watching their father, not by listening to your corrections. Do you want them to emulate the man he is?

8. Nothing is clear, and nothing is moving

Months in, sometimes years in, and you still cannot say what the relationship is. You have not met his people. There is no conversation about where it is going, and every attempt you make to have one dissolves into nothing. He is not unkind about it, he just simply never clarifies or defines the relationship.

“He is just private.”

“I don’t want to pressure him.”

“He will talk when he is ready.”

Please hear me. A man who wants more from you will give you clarity. This sustained ambiguity is not shyness or slowness. It is a decision he has already made and has not told you about, because the arrangement, as it stands, is working perfectly well for him.

What it costs you in marriage: decisions never get made; they get deferred. Even when they get made, you feel like you moved them along and that they didn’t come from his personal agency. You never quite know where you stand on money, family, the future, because he has never had to say. You spend your marriage interpreting a man instead of building with one. And if it never becomes a marriage at all, the cost is the years you gave, which you do not get back.

A red flag is not the same as a growth area

Please know that I do not want to send you out into the world hunting for faults. No man will meet every standard you have. But there is a difference between a man who is still growing in an area and knows it, and a man for whom this thing is the pattern. The test is not perfection, but direction and honesty. Is he aware of it? Does he own it? Is he actually moving?

And here is the most useful thing you can do with any red flag. Raise it, and watch what happens next. I’m saying, focus, not on the apology but on his response. A man who receives correction without defensiveness or punishment is showing you something enormous. A man who turns it back on you, or goes cold, or makes you sorry you spoke, has just answered every question you had.

Your tolerance will expire

You have to see beyond here and now. Not just what you are experiencing in this relationship today, but what it becomes five or ten years from now, with two children.

We all have tolerance, but tolerance is not infinite. At some point it wears thin, and then it runs out, and by then you are not deciding whether to keep dating him. You are deciding what to do with a life you have already built.

A great many marriages do not make it past year two, and it is rarely because something terrible arrived out of nowhere. It is because what was ignored during dating grew undisturbed into marriage, and someone finally discovered they could not live with it.

So, I want you to ask yourself the harder question.

Where have I seen these, and why did I settle for them?

Was it fear that no one else would come? Was it everybody around you insisting this is normal and that you are asking for too much, until you quietly lowered what you would accept? Or is it simply what you grew up watching, so it never registered as a flag at all? Some of you are reading this thinking, wait, is that even a red flag? That is exactly the kind of man my father was.

These questions are not an accusation. It is the beginning of the inner work needed before ever getting into marriage.

What you value decides what you see

Here is the thing nobody tells you. A red flag is not just a category on your husband checklist but a values question.

What you value determines what a red or green flag is to you. It also determines what is genuinely negotiable, and what you can live with without perfectly agreeing, the way you already do with your friends and your family. For me, respect is a core value, and it is one of the very first things I noticed about my husband. He was deeply respectful to the people around him.

Which is why this work is never really about memorising a list of red flags. It is about knowing what you value so clearly that you recognise its absence the moment it appears in front of you.

This is the season to do that work, so that when you come to choosing a life partner, it is from a healthy mental, emotional and spiritual place.

Don’t wait for a man to reveal himself over years you cannot get back. Become the woman who knows what she values, and can see what is in front of her.

Reflect on this

1. Which of these red flags did you recognise, not from a past relationship, but from what you have quietly accepted as normal?

2. Where did that normal come from? Your family, church, friends, or the internet?

3. Name three things you actually value in a man, in your own words. Now define what their absence would look like in daily life.

Tell me in the comments which red flag you had normalised, and where you first learned it was normal. Someone reading this needs to know she is not the only one.

If this spoke to you, send it to a friend who is in the talking stage right now. She may need it more than you do.

You cannot spot a red flag if you have never defined what you value. The Choose Wisely Toolkit walks you through exactly that: building your compass, naming your non-negotiables, and learning the difference between a gap he can grow through and a dealbreaker you should walk away from. Get the Choose Wisely Toolkit HERE.

© 2026 Bunmi Oduah. All rights reserved.

He said, Do you think that when you are old, and your wife is very old and wrinkled, fat, not very bright, and even nasty, you would still find her beautiful? If so, marry her.

He shared that the last time he saw his wife, an hour after she died, he fell in love with her again. Because love was not about her body, but about her soul. How many of us can say that?

We make long-term decisions with short-term eyes

In a world that is increasingly self-centred and shallow, this perspective is needed. Too often, our overwhelming desire for the here and now drives us to make long-term decisions with a short-term perspective.

I don’t say this from the outside or from a distance. Years of reading the comments under posts like these and sitting across from women in my own work have shown me the same thing over and over again.

We’ve stopped taking time to think, reflect, and truly deepen ourselves in the knowledge and values that will take us successfully through life. We despise or disdain morals and healthy perspectives because they feel straitjacketed and don’t allow us to give in to selfish desires. We haven’t learned to appreciate people beyond how they can meet our needs and wants.

Instead, we are focused on instant gratification, soothing wants rather than needs. We think short clips and soundbites on social media are enough to keep us informed. Critical thinking is something “deep” people do, rather than something we all need to navigate this God-given life.

Not everyone who wants marriage is ready for it

Not everyone praying to be married should be married, in my honest opinion. From personal conversations to reading people’s posts and comments online, it is clear that many people still need to grow in wisdom and knowledge before they ever step into the sacred covenant called marriage.

Let me share some ways to know you are not yet ready for marriage:

• Your reason for wanting to be married is family, societal pressure, or internal comparison with other people’s journeys.

• You are happy to settle for a man, yet you have never thought about who he could become in twenty years, or what impact he will have on the children you raise.

• Your focus is aesthetics: how your wedding will look, the ring on your finger, the £1m house in the nice postcode, the lifestyle marriage will afford you.

• Your words are constantly caustic. Everything is someone else’s fault, and you always play the victim. Life has come at you, and your current situation is because life is hard, not because you have been waiting passively for things to change.

• You cannot make decisions without external confirmation or validation. Whether you run to mummy, pastor, or bestie, you always need to check to make sure you’re not making a mistake.

• Your home life, finances, and personal space (bedroom, bathroom) are a mess all the time. This is often a sign of a deeper issue: soul care that hasn’t happened and a chaotic mind.

• You lack basic knowledge about life, relationships, and marriage, and you do not apply wisdom in your daily dealings with people.

What it looks like to choose for yourself

In 2013, I was single, spiritually hungry, and no longer being fed by the church I was in. One Sunday, I visited a church in London, and the moment I sat down, I knew I was home. My very next thought was that it was a bad idea. It was too far from home; 85 miles from where I lived in Brighton, an hour and a half each way. It made no sense.

But the Holy Spirit kept pressing, with one confirmation after another, and one week in April that year, I signed the new-member form and told my old leaders I was leaving. God presented the church to me, but I still had to choose it. Nobody chose it for me. That is the muscle marriage will ask of you, and you build it long before he arrives.

What marriage actually needs

Do people get married despite not being or doing the things I have mentioned? Yes, they do. I am not going to say they don’t.

But with the increasing number of broken marriages, toxic relationships, and divorces, it’s clear that marriage needs more than the vibes our generation has grown used to.

Marriage needs people who are mentally and emotionally healthy, grounded in values, spiritual, and able to think critically. If we are going to succeed in marriage long term, we will need a long-term perspective. And where we don’t have it, we will need to seek it out.

Jesus put it plainly. “So don’t follow me without considering what it will cost you. For who would construct a house before first sitting down to estimate the cost to complete it?” (Luke 14:28, TPT). Marriage is one of the largest things you will ever build. Count the cost.

So here’s my challenge to you today: sit with the reasons I gave for why people aren’t ready for marriage, and honestly ask yourself which one, if any, applies to you.

The beginning of change is awareness.

If one of these resonated with you, tell me in the comments which one. I read everyone.

But please, don't just wait to be chosen. Become a woman who knows how to choose.

Awareness is where it starts. The work is where it changes you. I built the Choose Wisely Toolkit for exactly this moment, so the long-term perspective this whole piece is about stops being an idea and becomes something you can do on paper: knowing your own compass, naming the handful of values you will not compromise, and learning to tell a workable gap from a dealbreaker before your heart gets ahead of your wisdom. Know your compass before you choose your companion. Get the Choose Wisely Toolkit here.

Love,

Bunmi x

© 2026 Bunmi Oduah

Before we go anywhere with this conversation, let me be clear about what divorce actually is. Divorce is what happens when two people who once stood before God and witnesses decide they will no longer be together.

Sometimes it is because of repeated immorality, one of the reasons the Lord Himself mentioned in the Scriptures. Sometimes it is because an unbelieving partner no longer wants to stay married to a believer, which Paul speaks about in 1 Corinthians 7.

And in the modern world we actually live in today, sometimes it is because two people were never compatible. Or because there was abuse, physical, emotional, and financial, and someone decided to walk away rather than be destroyed. The reasons for divorce are many, but at its heart, divorce is the breaking of the covenant of marriage.

And here is the part we keep pretending isn’t true: it is happening to us. Not only to the world but to Christians, including African Christians. Divorce is happening to people raised in church, people who lead worship, and people who serve faithfully.

Many of us grew up in homes fractured by it. We can keep our voices down and our eyes averted, but divorce is everywhere we look, and a Church that refuses to talk about it honestly cannot pastor the people living through it.

So let me say what might make you uncomfortable as you read this: I have no issue with someone who has been divorced and wants to remarry. When a young woman asked me recently what I think about divorce and remarriage, that is what I told her. Because I don’t.

She pushed back, and rightly so. “But doesn’t the Bible say that whoever remarries after divorce commits adultery?” Yes. It does. In Matthew 19, Jesus says exactly that. I’m not going to pretend He didn’t. But I asked her to let me share why I feel the way I do before she closed the conversation.

What Jesus actually said and to whom

When the Pharisees came to test Jesus on divorce, He took them back to the beginning. “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning” (Matthew 19:8). That is the first thing to notice: divorce was never God’s original design. It was a concession to the hardness of the human heart. God’s heart, from Eden, was for a covenant that holds. But this conversation shows us that God does grant concessions because He understands us better than we do ourselves.

In this conversation with the Jews, Jesus gives what we call the exception: “anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9).

The apostle Paul later adds a second pathway: abandonment. “If the unbeliever leaves, let it be so… the brother or sister is not bound in such circumstances” (1 Corinthians 7:15). So between the two of them, we have the grounds the Church has historically been willing to recognise.

But here is what I need you to reflect on. Jesus was speaking to Jewish people, within Jewish marriage law, about a culture where men were dismissing their wives over trivial things. That is the context. And, this is the heavier point you must not miss: He was speaking before the cross. This was taking place before He died, was buried, and rose again. Before the gift of grace and salvation that we now receive through His death and resurrection had been poured out.

That timing matters in this conversation about divorce more than we let it. It matters in everything that pertains to the believer’s life, but let’s stick with today’s conversation.

The grace of God, freely available to all who believe, changes everything. It brings freedom from the shackles of religious rules. It frees people from the weight of labels that no longer stand. Grace makes all the difference, and we must view it for what it really is.

Now, someone reading this carefully will stop me here, and they would be right to. “But Bunmi, Paul wrote after the cross, and even he said a wife who separates ‘must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband’ (1 Corinthians 7:10–11). So how can you call this only a pre-cross conversation?”

It is a fair challenge, and I won’t dodge it. But look closely at what Paul is actually doing. He is holding up the ideal, the very same “from the beginning” design that Jesus pointed back to. He is saying: do not be quick to break covenant, and where there is a breach, let your first hope be reconciliation. That is the standard, and it is a good and holy one. But notice that Paul does not hand down a life sentence in the same breath. And only a few verses later, when he turns to the believer who has been abandoned by an unbeliever, he says plainly that “the brother or sister is not bound” (v.15).

So even Paul, writing in the full light of the cross, holds two things together at once: the high call to covenant and the mercy that frees a person when that covenant has genuinely been broken. He is not contradicting grace. He is showing us what grace looks like in the lives of believers still being transformed.

What grace actually settled

If we are going to stand over a divorced believer and declare that their remarriage is sin, we have to reckon with Hebrews 10, and I would urge anyone reading this to go and read it slowly, especially verses 10 to 17.

“We have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all” (v.10). “For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” (v.14). And then this: “Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more” (v.17).

Once for all. Made perfect forever. Sins…remember no more. Key words that grace makes available to all.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Yes, God hates divorce, and Malachi 2 says it plainly. But it is worth noticing how He says it. Many of our newer translations render Malachi 2:16 as God’s anger against “the man who hates and divorces his wife,” the one who “does violence to the one he should protect” (NIV).

Read that way, His hatred is aimed squarely at the act. He is not happy with the one who deals treacherously with their spouse, not at the wounded party who was sinned against. He hates what divorce does to the people caught in it, people whom He loves. Please hear me carefully here: God hates the act; He does not hate the person who has lived through it. Those two are not the same thing, and the church has been treating them as if they are.

So when a believer who has walked through divorce remarries, I do not believe they are living in sin, because the issue of sin has already been dealt with once and for all at the cross. To say otherwise is to say something dangerous without realising it: that what Christ did was somehow incomplete. That is to say, His grace can cover most sins, but not this one. That we now get to grade sin, ranking some as too scarlet for the blood to reach.

When Jesus said in John 19:30, it is finished, He meant it. The words “it is finished” in the original form mean “executed, to bring to completion a process.” The sins of the world can never again be punished. That would violate God’s justice and upend the whole reason for Jesus coming into the world. If that be the case, why would God be judging divorced people for remarrying?

Now I know what the discomfort is, because the young woman I was talking to felt it too. “If grace covers it, can’t people just do as they please?” I hear that. But the opposite is true. When you genuinely understand the weight and the beauty of what grace cost, you become less likely to treat it carelessly, not more. If someone hands you a costly gift and you understand its value, you handle it with the care it deserves. Grace doesn’t make us reckless. It makes us reverent (Romans 6:1–2).

Your identity is not the worst thing that happened to you

This is why I keep coming back to identity. We have a word, divorcee, and we let it become a person’s name, as though it tells you who they are. It doesn’t. It is the name of an experience someone went through. It is not their identity.

As it is, through the experience of divorce, they are already ashamed about the death of their marriage. They may be carrying pain, grief and loss. It doesn’t help that the Church today puts the weight of the broken marriage on the women. Society then layers on that, calling them divorcees, which has a male version, by the way, divorcé. How often do you hear a man being called a divorcé? Exactly.

A divorced person, who is a believer, has their identity rooted in the position in Christ. Their identity is a child of God. Saved by grace. Holy and blameless in His sight (Ephesians 1:4). The act does not get to define the person, because the cross has already had the final word over the act.

So what does this mean for you, single and waiting?

Let me say this to you, my dear sister; single, believing, and longing for a godly marriage.

First, you still have free will. You are completely allowed to prefer not to marry someone who has been divorced. That is your choice, and nobody can take it from you. I am not telling you who to marry.

What I am telling you is this: stop treating divorced believers as untouchable. Stop believing the lie that if you love one and marry one, you will be dragged into adultery. Under the new covenant, that charge no longer stands against the believer. If you are the one who is divorced, please know that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).

What does matter, and matters enormously, is that you choose wisely. Marry someone who stands under the same covenant of grace that you do. Marry someone who shares similar values and complements you as a person. Yes, ask why the divorce happened, not to condemn the person, but because their character and their growth should absolutely inform your decision. The question is no longer “Is this person stained by an act?” The question is “Who is this person now, and what is their character?”

We have to start having these uncomfortable conversations because right now we are quietly shutting an entire group of God’s people out of the hope of marriage. We are telling them that if they dare to love again, they are sinning. Based on Hebrews 10, that is simply not true.

Grace went all the way. It’s time our conversations did too.

PS: I know this topic is a sensitive one with tensions for many. If this has brought up any thoughts for you, or if you want to share your views, please drop a comment. I would love to hear from you.

Bunmi Oduah is a mentor for single Christian women who desire marriage and want to grow into the woman God has called them to be before they meet their husband. Through her teaching, she helps women thrive in singleness, date with discernment, and prepare for a godly marriage. If you’re ready to be intentional about your journey, download her free Marriage Preparation Checklist HERE.

There’s a prayer I’ve heard countless times as a mentor and teacher. I’ve prayed it myself. And you’ve likely prayed it too, somewhere in the talking stage with a guy.

Years ago, I was introduced to a young man by a pastor who had taken an interest in me. He believed I had a gift (good call) and wanted to see me settled in marriage. The young man was visiting my church at the time, so the pastor set up the meeting.

As soon as I met him, I knew I didn’t want to be with him. But I was single, and back then, the single men in my small town were slim pickings. So I went along with it for a while. In time, I knew we weren’t clicking, but I wasn’t as bold then as I am today. Instead of ghosting him, I prayed for God to scatter things.

In the end, it was the pastor who called me aside and told me to let him down gracefully, rather than going cold on him. I had prayed because it seemed like the right thing to do. But in my heart, I already knew I didn’t want a relationship with him.

You may be doing the same right now, praying:

“God, if this is not Your will, let it scatter.”

It sounds like the right thing to do, the right prayer to clarify if the man before you is the right one for you. You’ve heard it prayed from the pulpit and the pews, and it has worked. Let’s not take away from the fact that the relationship you prayed about went nowhere, and so God answered.

But did He? Or did you stop engaging in a way that showed you were uninterested in the relationship, and the man moved on?

I am not here to make you question past choices and actions, but to provide you with a different view of this prayer.

This prayer is centred on the doctrine that God is all-powerful and does everything. It is based on many messages, sometimes well-intentioned, that say God has all power, and we have to ask Him to exercise His power on our behalf.

Our role in this prayer is to move God to reveal His will so we can partner with it. Good, right? Yes, but you are going about it the wrong way.

Does God answer our prayers?

Yes, He does, when it aligns with His will. 1 John 5:14-15 says, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have what we asked of him.”

It says we approach God confidently and ask for anything. If “anything” sits within His will, then He hears and answers.

The effect of this doctrine

The problem with this doctrine is that it leaves all the power of choosing with God and none with us. But when the Bible talks about marriage, there is nowhere it says God tells the average person whom to marry. He leaves the choice to people, giving guidelines on how to make a wise choice.

The one exception, where God tells someone directly, specifically a prophet, is the Prophet Hosea and his wife, Gomer. In this case, God used their marriage as an allegory of the broken relationship between Him and His chosen but rebellious people, Israel.

When we get to the New Testament, the Apostle Paul tells the church in Corinth to go ahead and marry rather than burn with lust. He didn’t say, “Pray and ask God if this person is His will for you.”

What the Apostle Paul is saying is that the choice to remain single or to marry is yours. If you know you want the sexual relations that come with marriage, then by all means marry.

When you turn to God in prayer, asking Him to scatter a relationship or potential relationship based on His will, here is what you are doing:

You are opening yourself up to unanswered prayers.

God’s will is expressly written in Scripture

1 Thessalonians 4:3: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18: “In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

1 Peter 2:15: “For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people.”

John 6:39-40: “And this is the will of God, that I should not lose even one of all those he has given me, but that I should raise them up at the last day. For it is my Father’s will that all who see his Son and believe in him should have eternal life. I will raise them up at the last day.”

Nothing in this list is about your marriage or a person. It’s all about salvation, eternal life, thanksgiving, righteousness and holy living as a believer.

“But Bunmi, I have prayed that prayer and it worked.” Yes, you have. But here is what likely happened when you did. You started expecting it not to work. Your suspicious antenna came on and you started observing negative traits. You pulled back and didn’t engage with the relationship as much, and things fizzled out. Or you had a heightened sense of God’s guidelines, and those influenced your actions and behaviours with the guy.

In all of it, God didn’t come down from heaven to scatter the relationship. You exercised your agency, or lack thereof.

You are not taking responsibility for your choices.

And that leads me to the second and more important point. When you pray for God to scatter a relationship if it is not His will, you’re asking God to come and do what He has given you the authority to do: CHOOSE.

This is one of the main reasons many Christians don’t have their prayers answered. It is not God’s responsibility to choose a spouse for you. It is your responsibility to know the right qualities your spouse should have, to partner with the Holy Spirit in letting Him lead you to that person, and then to choose them when they appear.

When God created man, He gave man certain authority over the earth. He also gave man (male and female) free will, the ability to choose. It was that free will the devil used to bring about the fall of man.

When Jesus came into the world and plundered hell, He gave man back the authority that was his and told man to go and exercise that authority (see Matthew 28:18-20).

To ask God to scatter a relationship because you’re unsure about it, or unwilling to end things, is to relinquish your authority as a child of God. This doctrine is holding you back from doing the work of choosing, based on the authority you have.

God gave you His Spirit to make you wise. He gave you the authority to use that wisdom to make the right decisions.

Asking Him to do the work He already gave you the ability to do is like my eight-year-old asking me to puree her food so she doesn’t have to chew. She’ll still get the nutrients, but she’ll miss out on the beauty of independence and experience.

Here’s how to use your God-given authority

• Know who you are and what your life is about.

• Know the values and qualities you need in a spouse.

• Observe the man before you as you interact, making notes of his character and behaviours.

• Reflect on what you’ve learned about him and compare it with the qualities and values you need in a spouse.

• Then decide whether you wish to proceed with the relationship or not.

You don’t need God to puree this one for you. You have everything you need to chew.

God presents, leads, and counsels you. He has handed you His Spirit, His wisdom and His guidelines. But the actual yes or no, the choosing, He placed in your hands on purpose. It has always been yours.

So stop praying for Him to scatter what you already have the authority to walk away from.

Don’t just wait for God to scatter the wrong one. Become the woman who can tell the difference. And choose.

Have you prayed this prayer before? Tell me what happened in the comments.

This piece sits inside the Becoming Married framework: choosing wisely through discernment and details, partnering with the Holy Spirit, then doing the work of choosing. Join the waitlist HERE.

We have an epidemic in the African Christian church that we keep refusing to address. It has now strayed into relationships and marriage, so I am going to tackle it.

In many African Christian spaces, choosing a husband (or wife) has become a decision that cannot be made without the pastor’s help.

Today, singles run a prospective beau past their pastor or spiritual leader.

“I have to know what my pastor thinks.”

“My papa has to vet him.”

Or, at the next level, “If my pastor doesn’t agree, I cannot go ahead with the relationship.”

It is so prevalent now and has become so normal that you almost can’t remember a time when pastors and spiritual leaders weren’t overly involved in people’s lives.

You ask a lady how she knows this is the person she should be with.

“My pastor confirmed it.”

Or, for the heartbroken ones, “My pastor prayed and said we cannot go ahead.”

We’ve made the most practical and impactful decision of your adult life into a lottery you’re not allowed to participate in.

And then we wonder why so many believers walk into marriages they cannot live in.

At some point, we need to stop creating a culture where Christians cannot make a life decision without running it past their spiritual leaders.

Running to the pastor for everything is a sign of spiritual immaturity and dependence. It is also a sign of unhealthy codependency and of leaders overreaching into the lives of their members.

Spiritual leaders are there for guidance, yes, but there is no Biblical precedent for the culture we have today, where people feel they are not spiritual enough to make life decisions on their own.

You will live with it. Your pastor won’t.

If you are not aware of what is happening, let me lay it out clearly for you. Your pastor will choose or confirm your spouse for you, but you will live with the consequences.

After the wedding, the pastor will face his or her own house, and you will be left with the person you did not wholeheartedly and wisely choose.

On the tough days in marriage, and there will be tough days, you will be the one questioning whether you married the right person.

This is why your pastor should not choose a spouse for you: they will not live with that choice. You will. And you must be sure that you want to.

You can already choose

If you’re a single lady or man reading this, here’s what I want you to know: you can already choose. You carry the anointing of the Holy One; 1 John 2:20 says you know all things. Your discernment is real, and you can make the wise choice of a life partner.

If you are in a church or Christian community where you have to run every life decision past your leaders, you are in an unhealthy culture.

If you are made to feel bad for making a choice that impacts your own life and future, your community is breeding a toxic culture.

If senior leaders get offended that you didn’t tell them about your personal circumstances, you are dealing with people who have not understood the agency God gave us all.

Being in a church community does not mean people should be in your personal business. There must be clear boundaries around how involved everyone is in your life and your decisions.

Where the church does not already have such boundaries, create them yourself.

Start with the small choices

Start training yourself to make life-impacting choices without external church input.

Let me tell you how I learned this myself. In 2013, I was single, spiritually hungry, and no longer being fed by the church I was in. I knew I needed a new church home; I just didn’t know where.

Then one Sunday I visited a church in London, and the moment I sat down, I knew I was home. My very next thought? No. No. No. It was 85 miles from where I lived in Brighton, an hour and a half each way. It made no sense.

But the Holy Spirit kept pressing, one confirmation after another, until my sister-in-law rang me from Nigeria, with no idea of my tussle, and told me I should go to that church. So the next Sunday, I signed the new member form, and the week after, I told my old leaders I was leaving.

God presented the church. I still had to choose it. Nobody chose it for me.

You can start small. Apply for a senior role where you meet just 65% of the requirements, without asking your leaders to pray before your interview. Go on a date without running it past your head of department at church. Talk to a counsellor (who isn’t your pastor) about the situationship you are in.

By the way, pastors should not be your automatic go-to for relationship advice. They may not be trained or experienced enough in that area to guide you wisely. But that is a topic for another day.

The more you make these choices, the easier it becomes to make the bigger ones.

I know this one may have touched a nerve. If it resonated, or you’d like to share your own experience, leave a comment below or reply to this post and let’s talk.

Have you been approached by a brother in church and been told, “God said you are my wife,” or “I saw you in my dream”? Cringe… Yes, exactly. There is something icky about being told that God, the All-Powerful God of the universe, told someone you are their wife.

It sounds spiritual, and as misguided as some of the men spouting it are, it is manipulative: a sign of a laziness that has become normal in our African Christian community. Yes, I called it for what it is. And this leads to where it stems from.

There’s a particular kind of waiting I see in our circles, and I want to name it gently because I used to think it was holy.

It’s the woman who tells me she is “waiting on God” for her husband. She is not waiting in the sense of preparing, but waiting in the sense of standing still. She’s not in any rooms or having any conversations. She’s not looked at a single man and asked herself an honest question.

She is waiting for a dream at night when she sleeps. A word. A prophet to point across a room. She has decided that if it doesn’t arrive with a thunderclap or great spiritual theatrics, it isn’t God. So she does nothing, year after year, and calls the nothing faith, aka “waiting on God.”

I understand it because the church I grew up in taught it. In many African Christian spaces, choosing a husband has become an entirely spiritual event.

“God told me you’re my wife.”

“I had a dream.”

“My pastor confirmed it.”

We’ve made the most practical and impactful decision of your adult life into a lottery you’re not allowed to participate in. And then we wonder why so many believers walk into marriages they cannot live in.

So let me say the thing I say in my Becoming Married programme, with all love but with all honesty: God will not choose your husband for you.

Go back to the very first marriage

The first time we see the institution called marriage is in Genesis chapter 2, from verse 18. Watch what actually happens in Genesis 2. God sees that it is not good for the man to be alone. He forms the woman. He presents her. And then, this is the part we skip or turn into prayer points: Adam has to open his mouth. “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” Adam recognised her, received her, and chose her.

God presented. Adam chose.

That pattern never changes. Think about Genesis 24, which is honestly the heartbeat of everything I teach when it comes to marriage preparation. Abraham’s servant goes to find a wife for Isaac, and before he even leaves, he asks the obvious question: “What if she won’t come?”

Abraham’s answer is striking. If she says no, he says, then you are free from the oath. Nobody is dragged. Later, they ask Rebekah directly, “Will you go with this man?” She answers for herself: “I will go.”

God presents. The woman chooses. The man chooses. Even at your own wedding, nobody turns to the ceiling and says, “God, do You give this woman?” They turn to a person and ask, Do you take this woman or man?

Marriage is a choosing experience from beginning to end.

So if Scripture never asked God to do your choosing for you, why are we asking Him to?

“I’m waiting on God” is sometimes just “I never learned how to choose”

Here’s what I’ve come to believe, and I’d rather be honest with you than comfortable: some of what we are calling prayer points are not prayer points at all. They are an unwillingness, or an inability, to exercise the agency God already gave us.

We hand the whole decision back to the Holy Spirit, not because we are so surrendered, but because we have never trained ourselves to choose. We don’t trust our own discernment, so we outsource it. One of the women in my current cohort said it out loud: for years, she felt she had to run every potential man past her spiritual leader because she didn’t believe she could tell for herself whether she was making the right choice. And when she heard, “You already have the ability to choose,” something in her exhaled. I can do this. I just have to grow it.

Because that’s the truth. Choosing is a muscle. You build it in the small things: what you wear, where you live, the right career path, how you spend a Tuesday, long before you ever need it for the biggest decision of your life.

People who have never chosen wisely about anything suddenly expect to choose a husband flawlessly, and then panic and call the panic “spiritual sensitivity.” No! You were never trained.

And please hear me when I say this: I am not asking you to do something I don’t do myself. In 2013, I was a single woman with a spiritual hunger that was no longer being satisfied by the church I was in at the time. This was before our modern, highly connected digital world, where you can be sitting in London and watching a church service in Nigeria. I knew I needed a new church home but didn’t know where that would be.

One fateful Sunday, I visited a church in London, and as soon as I settled into my seat, I had a strong sense that I had come home. No! No! No! Those were my first words. Why? The church was 85 miles from where I lived in Brighton. Driving to church would be an hour and a half each way. I thought it was a bad idea, but the Holy Spirit kept pressing me.

Then, over the next two months, He presented me with multiple opportunities to accept the new church He was leading me to. The final straw was when my sister-in-law called me from Nigeria, unaware of my tussle, and said I should go to that church.

So the next Sunday, I signed the new member form, and the following week, I told my old church leaders I was leaving. God presented the church to me, but I still had to choose it. I had to, by my actions, accept that this was the new church home God was leading me to.

Since then, through many circumstances and options, I have trained myself in choosing wisely. So I know you can too.

Don’t just wait. Become the woman who knows how to choose, so that when he is presented, your hand doesn’t shake.

Spirit-led and practical: never one without the other

This is where I have to hold two things together, because most teaching only gives you one.

The choice of a life partner is Spirit-led. You carry the anointing of the Holy One; 1 John 2:20 says you know all things. Your discernment is real. The niggle you can’t explain when a man looks perfect on paper is real. God will sensitise you, He will position you, He will breathe on a Scripture you’ve read a hundred times.

But the choice of a life partner is also practical, and this is the half we often drop. Because in the day-to-day, it is not “a spirit” you are going to live with. It is a person who does practical things in front of you every single day. The reason you hear “irreconcilable differences” attached to so many divorces is that those differences were practical, visible, knowable things. And in Christian circles, we choose to spiritualise them instead of looking at them.

Marriage is not a spiritual abdication. It is a fleshly arrangement that the Spirit guides you into. So you bring both: the discernment that comes from your relationship with the Holy Spirit, and the details: the values, the direction, the day-to-day reality of who this man actually is. That combination is what I call choosing wisely, not choosing rightly in some mystical sense. Choosing wisely is choosing with discernment and with your eyes open.

So what do you do this week?

Stop waiting for a sign to release you from the inner work you need to do, and start becoming someone who can recognise her own answer when it comes.

Build the muscle. Practise choosing in the ordinary things until it stops feeling foreign. Grow your discernment by actually walking with the Holy Spirit, not as a transaction, but as a relationship. Get clear on what you value, so that “Is he a God-fearing man?” stops being a one-line slogan and becomes a real, honest list you can hold a real, honest man up against.

You are not powerless in this. You were never meant to be a spectator at the choosing of your own life.

God will present him. But you, wise, anointed, and prepared, still have to choose.

This piece sits inside the Becoming Married framework: choosing wisely through discernment and details, with marriage understood as the supporting act to your destiny, not the destiny itself. Join the waitlist HERE.

Not because I’m judging you, but because that moment reveals something more important than any answer a stranger on the internet could ever give you.

It reveals that somewhere along the way, you lost sight of the most important person in your relationship equation: yourself.

The Problem With Asking Strangers

We live in an age where relationship advice is everywhere.

Instagram comment sections. Facebook groups. Twitter threads. YouTube videos. Online communities, full of people who have never met you, don’t know your history, and have no idea what God has said to you about your life.

And yet, when a relationship gets complicated, many women's first instinct is to go online and ask strangers what to do.

Here’s what I want you to understand: when you outsource your discernment to strangers, you’re also outsourcing your accountability.

Strangers can only respond to the version of events you present, and that version is almost always skewed in your favour. They don’t know your patterns, your blind spots or what God has been speaking to you in the quiet place. They can’t feel the check in your spirit that you’ve been ignoring for months.

They can only tell you what sounds right based on incomplete information.

And making life-altering decisions based on incomplete information from people who don’t know you is not wisdom. It’s abdication.

A great relationship isn’t formed by the advice and principles strangers share with you. It starts with something far more foundational.

It starts with you.

You Are the Building Block

You are the building block of a great, or not-so-great, relationship.

Not the man, the relationship itself, or the advice you receive. You.

And before you can choose wisely, love well, and build something lasting, you need to be able to answer four foundational questions:

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Where am I going?

Does this person align with me in these three areas?

When you ask strangers to tell you whether to stay in your relationship, you reveal that you don’t yet have a firm grasp on these four questions.

And that’s understandable, but it needs to change.

Let me walk you through what each question actually means for you.

Who Am I?

This is the question of your identity.

Not your name, your job, or your nationality, but your values, your character, your non-negotiables, and your sense of worth.

What do you believe about yourself? Not what your past says about you, or what a man’s treatment of you has led you to conclude, but what God says about you.

Do you know what you will and will not tolerate? What makes you come alive? Do you know your strengths and the weaknesses you’re still working on?

Identity is the foundation. Without it, you’ll shape yourself around whoever you’re with, and lose yourself in the process.

Why Am I Here?

This is the question of your purpose.

God didn’t create you to fill a seat. He created you with intention, with gifts, with a specific contribution to make to the world and to His kingdom.

Do you know what that is?

If you don’t, that’s your work right now. Not finding a husband, but finding your why.

Because when you know your purpose, you stop settling for relationships that shrink you. You stop tolerating men who have no vision.

You stop asking strangers if a man is right for you because you already know what kind of person your purpose requires beside you.

Where Am I Going?

This is the question of your vision.

Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten years? What does your life look like when you’re walking fully in what God called you to?

A woman with vision is a woman with direction. And a woman with direction knows immediately when someone is trying to take her off course.

You can’t assess whether a man aligns with your future if you haven’t defined what that future looks like.

Does This Person Align With Me?

This is the question of compatibility, and it’s the only question you can answer well once you’ve answered the first three.

Not “Does he make me feel good?” Or “Is he a God-fearing man?” Not “Do my friends like him?”

But: Does he align with who I am, why I’m here, and where I’m going?

That’s your standard, and you can only apply it when you know yourself.

Why So Many Women Don’t Know the Answers

Here’s something I want to name directly, because your healing depends on it.

Many African women, including Christian ones, have been conditioned from a young age to find their identity and fulfilment in marriage.

You’ve heard the messages, maybe without even realising it:

“Is this what you will do in your husband’s house?”

“Which man will marry you when you are behaving like this?”

“When are you getting married?” This is asked at every family gathering, every Christmas, every Easter, until the question starts to feel like an accusation.

“Don’t be too successful or you’ll drive men.”

These messages don’t just inform your thinking. They shape your identity, or rather, they prevent you from forming one outside of the context of a relationship.

And so many women enter dating and courtship not knowing who they are, why they’re here, or where they’re going. They enter, hoping a man will complete the picture.

But a man cannot give you what only God and the work of self-discovery can give you.

And when you don’t know yourself, you have no foundation from which to set boundaries, no clarity from which to make decisions, and no standard against which to measure the men you meet.

That’s why you end up staying in relationships you should have left. You tolerate what you should have rejected, and go online to ask strangers what to do.

What’s at Stake When You Don’t Know Yourself

Let me be specific about what you are settling for, because this isn’t just about finding a husband. This is about your life.

You’ll stay with a man who is emotionally or financially abusive because you have no clear sense of what you stand for. You’ll convince yourself it’s not that bad, and that you can pray to fix him. But a woman who knows her identity and her worth does not negotiate with abuse.

You’ll compromise for a man who can’t make decisions outside of his family because you’ve never defined what leadership looks like to you. You’ll manage the situation, make excuses for him, and quietly resent a dynamic you could (and should) have identified early.

You’ll bring a man into your children’s lives who lacks the basic heart of a father, because you prioritised presence over character. You’ll do that because you never asked yourself what you truly needed.

These are not small things. These are the life-altering consequences of entering marriage without self-knowledge.

Marriage is a good thing. I love being married.

But it will never be, and should never be, at the expense of your identity, your values, your purpose, and your vision.

To allow that would be to miss the very point of why God created you.

Singleness Is a Gift You Shouldn’t Waste

This is why singleness is such a beautiful gift to those who embrace it.

Not a waiting room, a punishment or a season to endure until something better comes along.

It is a gift.

Singleness gives you something marriage cannot: the time and space to learn yourself without the pressure of aligning with another person.

In singleness, you can explore your values freely. You can sit with your questions. You can do the inner work without the noise of a relationship complicating the process.

You can discover what you believe, what you want, what you will and won’t accept, and you can settle those things before they become high-stakes decisions.

In singleness, God does some of His most significant work in you.

It’s where the caterpillar becomes a butterfly.

It’s where the woman who needs strangers’ opinions becomes a woman who knows her own mind because she knows her God and herself.

Don’t waste that.

Where to Start: Four Questions to Sit With

Don’t wait until you’re choosing a spouse to figure out what matters to you.

Start today with these questions:

1. Who am I? Write down five values that are non-negotiable to you. Where did they come from? Are they truly yours, or were they handed to you by culture, family, or religion?

2. Why am I here? What gifts, passions, and burdens has God placed in you? Who are you called to serve? What would feel like a wasted life if you never pursued it?

3. Where am I going? Write a one-paragraph vision for your life five years from now, not just relationally, but spiritually, professionally, and personally. What does thriving look like for you?

4. Who do I need beside me? Based on your answers above, what kind of person do you need walking alongside you? What values, character, and vision must they carry? What would misalignment look like?

Sit with these questions. Journal them. Pray over them. Let the Holy Spirit speak into them.

Because the goal isn’t just to be married.

The goal is to be married well, to the right person, for the right reasons, with the clarity and wisdom that only comes from knowing yourself.

Start Doing the Work of Self-Discovery

You can make the right decision when it comes to marriage.

But not without doing the inner work first.

Stop outsourcing your discernment to strangers who don’t know you, can’t hear from God for you, and will not live with the consequences of your choices.

Start doing the work of self-discovery.

Get to know who you are. Understand why you’re here. Get clear on where you’re going.

And when the right man shows up, you won’t need to ask anyone on the internet if he’s the one because you’ll know.

Share this with a friend who needs to hear it. Let’s help more women do the inner work before they make the most important decision of their lives.

© 2026 Bunmi Oduah | Waiting Gracefully

One in particular? Being a judgey spiritual police to my husband.

Let me be honest: I judged my husband’s spiritual activities a lot when we first got married.

I focused on his style of prayer—whether he was saying “amen” at the right times, if he was praying long enough or hard enough. If I had a style, I thought he should have the same style as well.

Never mind that we were two different people coming from different backgrounds with different experiences.

You can imagine it caused some contention in our early years.

Then the Holy Spirit started showing me the hypocrisy of my thoughts and the growth I still needed to do.

“Why would you focus on the flaw in someone else’s life and fail to notice the glaring flaws of your own? How could you say to your friend, ‘Let me show you where you’re wrong,’ when you’re guilty of even more? You’re being hypercritical and a hypocrite! First acknowledge and deal with your own ‘blind spots,’ and then you’ll be capable of dealing with the ‘blind spot’ of your friend.”
– Matthew 7:3-5 (TPT)

Ouch.

As much as I wanted my husband to be exactly like me spiritually, I had to realise and accept that he had his own walk with God. And they (he and God) knew how they were working their relationship.

What mattered more than spiritual styles and length of prayers was spiritual compatibility.

The Questions That Actually Matter

Instead of focusing on whether he prayed “correctly,” I should have been asking:

Do we believe the same things when it comes to our Christian faith?

Are we walking out our faith as we should as believers?

Is there evidence in our daily living of the fruit of our relationship with God?

This is about compatibility and growth. It’s about what matters beyond the surface.

Because the styles can change with growth. But the heart? That’s the source of life.

What’s in the heart is what matters.

The Unfair Standards Single Women Put on Men

Here’s what I see happening with many Christian single women:

They’ve missed good men because of unfair standards.

They want perfect men, bearing the fruit of the Spirit without fault. They want men who think and act exactly like them.

But what’s the fun of that?

The Bible tells us that we are designed to be complementary to each other (Genesis 2:18 AMPC), not exactly alike.

When you bring that perspective to choosing a life partner and living with them, you can begin to ask yourself some hard questions.

The Hard Questions You Need to Ask Yourself

Before you judge that man for not praying long enough, not reading his Bible daily, or not displaying perfect self-control, ask yourself:

Are you bearing the fruit of the Spirit without fault?

Are you faithfully and diligently walking out your faith?

Where is the room for growth in your life?

Here’s the truth: The same way you struggle with self-control is the same way Christian single men are struggling with self-control.

If you want people to extend grace to you when you don’t show the fruit perfectly, why aren’t you extending grace when you don’t see the exact fruit you’re still growing in?

Let that sit for a moment.

A Critical Clarification

Now, before you misunderstand me, let me be clear:

I am not justifying poor character and bad behaviour with this article.

You should never settle for a man of consistently poor character because he has shown you his daily patterns. What you see is what you will live with if you marry him.

I’m talking about the other men.

The ones, like you, who are daily growing and aiming to do better.

Morality in society may be at an all-time low, but believe me when I say: Many men and women aren’t immoral.

Many like you daily stumble but strive to do better the next day.

You need to find your tribe, people of similar faiths and values.

The Shift You Need to Make

This is the shift I needed, and you likely need it too:

You have to be willing to pause when you sense yourself getting critical and ask:

Am I pointing out a flaw that I am still growing in?

If the answer is yes, you need to extend the same grace you want extended to you.

Does that mean you ignore red flags? No.

Does that mean you settle for a man who isn’t growing? No.

But it does mean you stop holding men to a standard of perfection that you yourself haven’t reached.

What You Should Look for Instead

Instead of looking for a man who prays exactly like you, reads the Bible on your schedule, or worships the way you do, look for this:

1. Spiritual Compatibility

Do you believe the same foundational truths about God, Christ, and Scripture?

Are you aligned with the core tenets of your faith?

This is non-negotiable. But how he expresses that faith? That can look different from you.

2. Evidence of Growth

Is he growing in his walk with God?

You’re not looking for perfection. You’re looking for progression.

Is he more Christ-like today than he was a year ago? Is there fruit, even imperfect fruit, showing up in his life?

3. Humility and Teachability

Does he acknowledge his weaknesses and work on them?

Is he open to correction and willing to grow?

A man who knows he’s not perfect but is committed to becoming better is a man worth considering.

4. Complementary Strengths

Does he have strengths where you have weaknesses, and vice versa?

God designed marriage to be complementary, not identical.

If you’re both exactly the same, one of you is unnecessary.

What Happens When You Let Go of Unfair Standards

When you stop holding men to standards you haven’t even reached yourself, here’s what changes:

You become more discerning, not just critical.

You start seeing men for who they actually are, not who you think they should be.

You extend grace, which attracts grace.

Men who are growing want a woman who’s also growing, not a woman who’s judging them.

You stop missing good men.

You’ll notice the men of character who are doing their best, even if their best doesn’t look exactly like yours.

You focus on what actually matters.

Compatibility. Character. Growth. Vision. Faith.

Not whether he prays the way you pray.

The Bottom Line

You are not perfect.

You’re growing, learning, stumbling and getting back up.

And the man God has for you? He’s doing the same thing.

So stop expecting perfection from him when you haven’t achieved it yourself.

Stop judging his spiritual walk when yours still has room to grow.

Stop holding him to standards that expose your own blind spots.

Instead, look for a man who shares your faith, values your growth, complements your strengths, and is committed to becoming better.

That’s the man worth building a life with. Not a perfect man. But a growing man.

Just like you’re a growing woman.

Reflection Questions:

1. Are you holding men to standards you haven’t reached yourself? What are they?

2. What does spiritual compatibility look like to you beyond surface-level expressions of faith?

3. Where do you need to extend more grace in your assessment of the men you meet?

Share this with a friend who’s been too critical. Let’s help more women focus on what actually matters in a godly relationship.

© 2026 Bunmi Oduah | Waiting Gracefully

Maybe you dated someone you thought you would spend your life with, but in time, you realised you were not a match made in heaven. Or maybe you are reading this and have never been in a relationship. Things never moved past the talking stage, or it was really just a situationship.

Now, the years have passed. And with each passing year, your hope dwindles. “Will I ever get married? Have I missed the one? Should I have stayed and tried to make it work?”

As these thoughts run through your mind, your chest tightens just a little. You’re scared. But then you brush it off with an affirmation that God answers prayers. You join another singles prayer meeting, hoping this time, things will change. You take the course, expecting it to teach you what to do differently.

But that fear is never far away.

It lingers quietly in the back of your mind, showing up in the quiet moments, when the world around you is silent, and you can no longer ignore it. It resounds over and over. Fear is like that. It shows up when you are most vulnerable, painting a picture of defeat. Telling you that it won, and you lost.

But have you really missed the one?

What Does “The One” Actually Mean?

When we say The One, we are often referring to a person with whom you share a deep connection; someone you would forsake all others for, for a lifetime. This is what your heart is seeking when you go on the journey of finding The One.

Maybe you come across someone and pray to God to confirm if they are The One. Or you ask for a sign from God to tell you if this is the person for you. There is an expectation, even in Christian circles, that when you finally meet The One, there can be no one else. That you can only have that deep, lasting connection with a single person in the entire world.

For many of us who grew up in African Pentecostal and charismatic churches, this belief goes even deeper. We were taught, from the pulpit, in prayer meetings, sometimes through prophecy, that God has one specific person ordained for us before the foundation of the earth. And so the question “Have I missed The One?” isn’t just an emotional question. It becomes a spiritual one: “Have I missed God?”

Maybe a prophet spoke over you. Maybe you had a dream or a vision. Maybe you felt a deep spiritual confirmation about someone, and it didn’t work out. And now you are not just grieving a relationship, you are also questioning whether you misheard God entirely.

I want to speak carefully and honestly here, because this matters. I’ve been there, and here is what I learned.

God is not a God of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). If He led you, He will lead you again. One closed door, or even several closed doors, does not mean you have forfeited your future. It means God, in His wisdom and sovereignty, is still leading you along the best path for your life. A path that aligns with His thoughts towards you, as referenced in Jeremiah 29:11.

The One Is A Type

Here is what I have come to understand: you can have that deep connection with more than one person. There isn’t only one person in the entire universe for you. Instead, there is a type of person you can be with.

Let me use an analogy to help you understand what I mean.

As a woman, you wear a certain dress size. Let’s say a size 12, for example. Every time you walk into a store, you look for clothes in that size range. But there are many pieces of that style in a size 12 on the rack — because many women are also a size 12. Any woman who is a size 12 will fit into that dress.

It’s the same when it comes to your husband.

You are looking for certain qualities in a man: shared values, beliefs, and vision. These are rooted in your own values, beliefs, and vision. And here is what we sometimes forget: many people in the world hold the same or similar values, beliefs, and vision as ours. That includes single men who want to be married.

If those qualities were a jacket of a certain size, many men who are that size could wear it. There is not only one man in the world who fits. Many men share similar values, beliefs, and vision as yours.

What About the Pressure You’re Carrying?

Before we go further, I want to acknowledge something we don’t talk about enough.

For many single women from African backgrounds, the fear of missing The One isn’t just a private, internal struggle. It has a public face. It shows up at family gatherings, when the questions start. It shows up when your mates from university are on their second child, and you are still waiting. It shows up in the comments on your social media, in the unsolicited advice, and in the looks that people think you don’t notice.

There is a cultural timeline that was handed to you, often without your consent, and the longer you live outside of it, the more it can feel like failure.

But I want you to hear this clearly: you have not failed, and you are not behind. And the cultural calendar was never God’s calendar for your life.

The shame that comes with being single in our communities is real. But it is not yours to carry. It was never meant for you. God’s word says that those who hope in Him will not be put to shame (Isaiah 49:23). That includes you. In this season. Right now.

What This Truth Does for You

When you come to understand that there is a type of man for you, not a single, irreplaceable person you may have lost, it removes the fear that you have missed The One. Because what is true always puts fear to flight.

Here is what is true:

Your values, beliefs, and vision are valid. There are many people, single men included, who share them. And if you have dated someone you thought was The One, and they are now married to someone else, there is still hope for you.

This is not wishful thinking. This is the truth. And truth is what sets you free.

What You Can Do Now

Renew your mind. Now is the time to create a new belief about The One. The One isn’t a specific person; it’s a type of person. Speak this over yourself: “There is a right type of man for me, and I will recognise him when I meet him” (drawn from Isaiah 34:16).

Get clear on those qualities. If you are affirming daily that there is the right type of man for you, you need to be clear on what the right type means to you. What are the values, beliefs, and vision that matter most? Get specific. Write them down.

Open your heart. If many men carry the qualities that matter to you, then you must remain open; open to men from other tribes, backgrounds, and races. Because the man God has for you may not look exactly like what you imagined. He may not come from your tribe, speak your language, or fit the picture your family painted. Stay open.

Release the weight of past confirmations. If you received a word, had a dream, or felt certain about someone who is no longer in your life, release it to God. You do not need to keep carrying it as evidence that you failed. Take it to Him in prayer and ask Him to give you fresh clarity and fresh faith for this season.

At the start of this article, I said I would give you a chance at the end to ask yourself: “Have I missed The One?”

So, here’s your moment.

Take a breath. And sit with these questions:

• What belief about The One have I been carrying, and where did it come from?

• Is there a word, prophecy, or past relationship I need to finally release to God?

• What qualities truly matter to me in a husband, and am I clear enough on them to recognise the right type of man?

God is not finished with your story. And the best chapters are still ahead.

© Bunmi Oduah | Waiting Gracefully

Here it is: God doesn’t give husbands to single women.

I know. That’s not what you’ve been told in prayer meetings, at church conferences, or by well-meaning leaders who’ve encouraged you to “pray for God to send you a husband.”

I should know because I prayed those prayers too. For years, I asked God to give me a husband. I fasted. I believed. I sowed seeds. I waited expectantly.

And when nothing happened, I wondered: What am I doing wrong? Why isn’t God answering this prayer?

But here’s what I’ve come to understand: It wasn’t that God wasn’t answering. It’s that I was praying the wrong prayer.

There’s No Biblical Precedent for God “Giving” Husbands

Let me be clear: I’m not saying God doesn’t care about your marriage. He absolutely does. But if you search the Scriptures, you will not find a single example of God giving a husband to a woman.

Not one (and I am happy to be challenged on this, so if you find an example, please send it to me).

What you will find is this: People made choices about who to marry, or had that choice made for them by their family.

In every case, choice was involved.

And that’s because God created us with free will: the ability to choose.

Even in the most dire circumstances in the Bible, God never took away man’s ability to choose. Instead, He supported people to make the right choice. And He still does it today through the Holy Spirit’s help and the Word of God.

So when you pray, “God, give me a husband,” you’re essentially asking God to override a man’s free will and force him to choose you.

And that’s not how God operates.

How God Actually Supports Marriage (According to Scripture)

If God doesn’t “give” husbands, then how does He work in the process of marriage? Let me show you three examples from Scripture:

1. God Led Once There Was Clarity About the Right Qualities (Genesis 24)

Abraham wanted to find a wife for his son, Isaac. But he didn’t just say, “God, give Isaac a wife.”

Instead, he clarified the qualities he wanted in Isaac’s wife. He gave his servant specific instructions about the type of woman to look for; someone from his homeland who knew the God they served.

He also acknowledged that God would be present to help make the process successful.

The servant went even further and clarified the circumstances in which he would meet the woman. And when he finally met Rebekah and told her and her family his intention, the woman chose to follow him.

There was clarity. There was divine guidance. And there was a choice.

2. God Presented and Let the Man Choose (Genesis 2)

God created Eve and presented her to Adam.

But notice: God didn’t force Adam to accept her. Adam recognised her and said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.”

He accepted her because she was like him, not like the animals that had been presented before.

There was recognition. There was acceptance. There was a choice.

3. God Instructed and Gave Advice After the Man Had Chosen (Matthew 1)

Joseph was already engaged to Mary when he discovered she was pregnant. He decided he wanted to quietly break the engagement.

But God came through an angel to tell him not to, because he didn’t have the full picture. Once Joseph was given the full picture, he stayed with his choice: Mary.

There was a choice first. And then God advised to support that choice.

Do you see the pattern?

God guides, leads, gives wisdom and confirms.

But He doesn’t override free will. He doesn’t “give” a spouse, like He’s placing an order on your behalf.

“But the Bible Says ‘Ask, and It Shall Be Given to You’”

I know someone is thinking this right now.

Yes, the Bible does say, “Ask, and it will be given to you” (Matthew 7:7).

But the Bible also clarifies in 1 John 5:14-15 that what you ask for must be according to His will.

So let’s talk about God’s will for a moment.

What Is God’s Will?

God’s will is:

• His divine purpose for humanity when He created man in Genesis 1, and the restoration of man to that purpose through Christ

• His kingdom is established on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10, 33)

• To live in holiness, in ethical living, thanking God in all circumstances

So, where does marriage and your husband fit into all this?

Marriage is part of “all these things” that are added to you when you seek God’s kingdom first.

Look at what Scripture says:

“But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.” Matthew 6:33 (AMPC)

And here’s another one:

“Seek out of the book of the Lord and read: not one of these [details of prophecy] shall fail, none shall want and lack her mate [in fulfilment]. For the mouth [of the Lord] has commanded, and His Spirit has gathered them.” Isaiah 34:16 (AMPC)

Did you catch that? None shall lack her mate.

Not because you begged God to give you one, but because as you seek the Lord and His kingdom, the Spirit gathers you to your spouse.

What to Do Instead of Asking God to Give You a Husband

A woman seeking God’s kingdom doesn’t do it without the Spirit.

The more you are in a relationship with the Holy Spirit, the more He will lead and guide you in all areas of your life, including marriage.

So instead of praying, “God, give me a husband,” here’s what you should do:

1. Seek God’s Kingdom by Reading the Word of God

The Word is filled with information about God’s kingdom. Then, pray for God’s kingdom to be established in your life, your family, your community, and in the nations of the earth.

This isn’t a passive prayer. This is about aligning your life with God’s purposes and priorities.

When you do this, marriage falls into its proper place, as one part of a bigger picture, not the entire focus.

2. Partner With His Agenda by Using Your Gifts and Talents to Serve People

Stop putting your life on hold while you wait for marriage. God gave you gifts, talents, and a calling. Use them. Serve with them. Build with them.

When you’re actively partnering with God’s agenda, you’re positioning yourself in the flow of His blessing, including the blessing of marriage.

3. Ask Him to Show You the Qualities That Matter for Your Marriage

Instead of asking God to give you a husband, ask Him to reveal the qualities you need in a spouse to fulfil your destiny.

• What character traits must he have?

• What values must he share?

• What kind of vision and calling should align with yours?

Get clear. Write it down. Pray over it. And then, as you meet men, assess them against that list, instead of chemistry, attraction, or how tired you are of waiting.

4. Become the Woman God Intended You to Be

You can’t attract what you’re not ready for.

If you want a man of character, you must be a woman of character. If you want a man with vision, you must have vision. If you want a spiritually mature man, you must be spiritually mature.

Your single season is not about waiting for a man to show up. It’s about becoming the woman your future marriage needs.

To support you in becoming the woman your future marriage needs, click here to download a free Marriage Preparation Checklist.

The Bottom Line

God wants you to experience the relationship that comes with marriage.

But never as a primary focus.

Instead, marriage comes as “all these things” that are added to you as you focus on His will and fulfil your destiny in Christ.

So stop praying for God to give you a husband.

Start seeking His kingdom. Start becoming who He’s called you to be. Start partnering with His agenda.

And as you do, the Holy Spirit will lead and guide you into clarity, wisdom, discernment, and yes, into the relationship God has for you.

But it won’t be because God “gave” you a husband.

It will be because you sought Him first, and everything else was added to you.

Reflection Questions:

1. Have you been praying for God to “give” you a husband? How does this article shift your perspective?

2. What does it look like for you to seek God’s kingdom first in this season of your life?

3. What qualities do you need to ask God to reveal about your future spouse?

Share this with a friend who’s been stuck in this prayer pattern. Let’s help more women pray according to Scripture and position themselves for the marriages God has for them.

“So… when will you get married?”

And just like that, a perfectly good day gets a little heavier.

If you’re a single Christian woman, and especially if you’re of African background, you already know that this question is practically a rite of passage. The same parents who told you not to look at boys will suddenly want to know when you’re bringing someone home. The nosey “aunties” at church, at home and abroad will think it’s their God-given right to interrogate your marital status. And your cousin who got married at 24 will genuinely not understand why you’re “still single.”

Talk about pressure from all sides.

But here’s what I need you to hear before we go any further: you can handle the marital pressure you are facing, even the one from your family. You have the power within you, and more importantly, the power of God working through you, to handle every form of pressure that comes your way.

I know this because I’ve been you. I waited to get married, and I can tell you that the pressure is real. I used to be triggered and struggle until I learned how to respond to pressure with grace, wisdom and faith. That’s exactly what I want to share with you today.

Not Everyone Deserves the Same Response

One of the biggest mistakes we make when handling pressure is treating every person the same. But the way you respond to a stranger should not be the same way you respond to your mother. That’s why I group the people in your life into circles, because your response should match the relationship.

Circle 1: Strangers and Acquaintances

Let’s start with the outer circle. These are people who have not invested in a relationship with you. They haven’t called to check on you during your difficult seasons, they haven’t prayed with you, and they haven’t been there when you needed support. Yet somehow, they feel entitled to ask about your marital status.

In African settings, this might be the woman at the owambe who knew your mother thirty years ago, or the church member who only speaks to you once a year. Their questions usually come from nosiness or cultural habit, not genuine concern.

So what do you do? You have three options.

Don’t respond at all. Silence is powerful. A warm smile and a change of subject is a perfectly valid response. You owe nobody an explanation for where you are in your life journey.

Be firm. If they push, tell them clearly that you’d rather not discuss it. You’re not being rude; just enforcing your boundary. And there is a world of difference between being respectful and being a doormat.

End the conversation graciously. Redirect the conversation. Ask about their children, their work, and their plans. People love to talk about themselves, so give them the chance, and you’ve skilfully steered away from uncomfortable territory.

Here’s a response you can keep in your back pocket: “Thank you for asking! God’s timing is perfect, and I’m trusting Him with this area of my life. So, how are your own children doing?”

Spiritual anchor: “Be still, and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10. When people from the outer circle try to unsettle you, God is asking you to be still. Your stillness in the face of unnecessary pressure is an act of faith.

Circle 2: Friends and Extended Family

Now, this group is trickier. These are people you actually care about; the cousins you grew up with, the friends from university or church, the aunties who watched you grow up. They know more about you because you’ve given them access to your life.

In our African culture, extended family members often feel entitled to your life decisions in ways other cultures may not understand. Your uncle, who helped pay your school fees, may feel he has a say in when you marry. Your older cousin may genuinely not understand why things look different for your generation.

The pressure from this group stings more because it comes from people whose opinions carry weight. When your favourite auntie looks at you with concern and asks, “My daughter, when now?” it hits differently.

But just because someone is closer to you doesn’t mean they get unlimited access to every area of your life. They don’t.

Keep it light and cheerful. Humour is one of our greatest gifts as African women. Use it. A well-placed joke can completely disarm an awkward conversation and signal that you’re at peace with where you are.

Be firm when you need to be. If the jokes aren’t landing and they keep pushing, add some firmness. You’re not angry, just protecting your peace. And your peace is worth protecting.

Be wise if you have to go further. Determine how much information you want to share and stick with it. You don’t have to give a detailed update on your dating life or your feelings about being single.

Try this: “I know you care about me, and I appreciate it. I’m trusting God with this season, and I’d love it if you trusted Him with me, too. Remember me in your prayers, as this means a lot to me.”

Spiritual anchor: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23. Guarding your heart means protecting your inner peace from the well-meaning but sometimes overwhelming pressure of those around you.

Circle 3: Close Friends and Family

These are your core people. The ones whose names appear multiple times in your recent calls. The ones who have seen you at your best and your worst. Your mother, your father, your siblings, your closest friends.

Their pressure hurts the most because their love runs the deepest. Your mum might slip a comment about someone’s daughter getting engaged. Your dad might remark on wanting grandchildren. Your best friend who just got married might be praying she can be your chief bridesmaid soon.

Here’s what you need to hold onto: they care about you and want the best for you, even if they’re not approaching it in the right way. If you could see their heart towards you, you would know it is all love.

But love and boundaries can, and must, coexist.

Keep it kind. Remember that your mother’s questions, however annoying, come from a heart that wants to see you settled and happy. In our culture, where respect for elders is paramount, kindness in your response is essential. But kindness doesn’t mean silence.

Talk it through. People don’t know what you don’t tell them. Your parents grew up in a different time. Take the time to explain how pressure makes you feel and how you’d prefer to be supported. Share your heart so they can walk alongside you rather than stand over you with expectations.

Keep them updated, or don’t. Find what works best for your relationship. Some women find that periodic updates reduce the pressure. Others find that sharing invites more opinions. Make a conscious decision about your response rather than react out of frustration.

Try this: “Mummy, I know you want the best for me, and I love you. I’m trusting God with this, and I need you to trust Him with me, too. When there’s something to share, you’ll be the very first to know.”

Spiritual anchor: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens... He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:1, 11. God has a time for everything in your life, including marriage. He has not forgotten you.

The Pressure Nobody Talks About: The One Within

As much as pressure comes from every angle, the biggest pressure on the journey to marriage is the one within you.

The pressure from your own timelines, when you believed you should be married, and how many children you should have had by now. These timelines are shaped by what you’ve seen in your culture, your family and your community.

The comparison trap is especially dangerous. Social media shows you a curated highlight reel: the engagement photoshoots, elaborate traditional weddings, and aso-ebi coordination. Every notification can feel like a reminder of what you don’t have yet.

And then there’s the fear. The quiet, nagging fear that whispers, “What if it never happens?”

I’m not saying you shouldn’t desire marriage. What I’m saying is that if that desire is putting you under so much pressure that you can’t enjoy the life you have today, then that’s the pressure you need to deal with first.

How do you manage to do that?

Renew your mind daily. Curate what you feed your mind, especially your social media. Write down scriptures that speak to your season and think on them daily. Remind yourself daily that you are not behind; you are right where God wants you to be.

Surrender your timeline. Let go of your timeline and pick up God’s plan for your life. When your timeline becomes more important than God’s plan, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

Live fully in this season. Stop putting your life on hold. Don’t wait until you’re married to pursue your dreams. Your life is happening right now, and every season has its own beauty. So, embrace this season with joy and intention.

Say this to yourself: “I am not behind. I am on God’s timeline, and His timing is always perfect. My worth is not defined by my marital status. I am complete in Christ.”

Spiritual anchor: “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6. God is not finished with your story.

Finally…

I want you to know that I see you. I see the woman who smiles at her friend’s wedding even when her heart is heavy. I see the woman who changes the subject at family gatherings. I see the woman who cries when she thinks nobody is watching. You are not alone.

Pressure is a constant in life, but what can change is how you respond to it. You have everything you need: the faith, the wisdom, the grace and the strength to handle whatever comes your way.

Remember: you are not waiting for your life to begin. Your life is happening right now. And it is a beautiful one.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Start waiting gracefully.\

If you’re a single woman navigating modern dating, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And if you’ve ever been stuck in one for months (or years), you know how confusing, frustrating, and emotionally draining it can be.

So let’s talk about it. And more importantly, let’s talk about time—the one thing you can never get back.

What Is the Talking Stage?

The talking stage is that phase pre-dating when a man and woman are getting to know each other, exploring mutual feelings, shared interests, and clarifying whether they’re compatible.

In today’s world, it can range from 2-4 months on average, filled with late-night phone calls or chats, early-morning texts, and hours of conversation.

Unlike a standard friendship, the talking stage implies romantic interest and the potential for long-term commitment.

But here’s where it gets tricky: It often exists in a grey area where you aren’t “officially” dating, but you aren’t really single either.

There’s a slight expectation of loyalty—even without an explicit declaration.

And without clarity, the talking stage can extend far longer than a few months, leaving you in what I call a “pseudo-relationship.”

You’re emotionally invested. You’re spending time and energy. You’re building attachment.

But you’re not committed. You’re not secure. You’re not moving toward anything concrete.

And if things don’t progress to a committed relationship—or ultimately marriage, if that’s what you desire—it’s easy to get heartbroken.

So, how do we, as Christian women who want marriage, manage the talking stage wisely?

Let me share with you the one thing you must protect at all costs: your time.

Time Is a Precious Currency

You must value time as a precious currency that you are spending in the talking stage.

The Bible teaches us to “number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom” (Psalm 90:12). Your time must be spent wisely.

Time is such a precious commodity in this thing called life, and you cannot afford to waste it.

Your days and years are going by as you give time to a talking stage. Your biological clock is ticking. Your emotional capacity is being spent. Your life is moving forward—with or without him.

So here’s the question: Is this talking stage an investment or a waste?

If the man is clear and committed, by all means, go ahead with the conversations. Enjoy getting to know each other. Build the foundation for a healthy relationship.

But what you do not want to do is keep spending time with a man in long, drawn-out conversations when you could be in a committed relationship.

A man who is clear about his intentions will say so. He will commit to you.

He will not lead you on in a long, drawn-out pseudo-relationship, knowing your heart will be hurt if things don’t end in a relationship and marriage.

A man who knows what he wants doesn’t waste your time. He values it as much as you should.

So be wise with your time.

The Talking Stage Timeline: Check-Ins to Protect Your Time

Because time is a precious commodity and you want to use it wisely, here’s a talking stage timeline you can apply to your interactions.

Months 1-2: Get to Know Him

This is the exploration phase. You’re learning about each other, sharing personal stories, meeting up regularly, or staying in regular phone communication.

What to focus on:

• What are his values and beliefs?

• What’s his relationship with God like?

• What are his life goals and vision?

• How does he treat you and others?

• Is there mutual interest and attraction?

What to avoid:

• Don’t give away too much emotionally too soon

• Don’t spend hours every day on the phone (this creates false intimacy)

• Don’t ignore red flags because “we’re just talking”

Your role: Observe. Ask questions. Pay attention to his character, not just his words.

Months 2-4: Assess Compatibility

By now, you should have enough information to assess whether this is going somewhere.

Ask yourself:

• Does he have the qualities I need in a spouse?

• Is there compatibility in our beliefs, values, and goals?

• Do we have shared interests and vision for life?

• Am I seeing consistent character and follow-through?

• Is he treating me with respect, honor, and intentionality?

What to avoid:

• Don’t convince yourself he’s “good enough” when you know he’s not aligned with your values

• Don’t stay because you’re afraid of being alone again

• Don’t ignore the lack of progression because “at least we’re talking”

Your role: Evaluate honestly. This is not about being picky—it’s about being wise.

Months 4-6: Seek Clarity or Move On

If you’ve been talking for 4-6 months and there’s still no clarity from the man, it’s time to ask for it.

And if he has the qualities you want in a spouse but hasn’t defined the relationship, don’t be scared to ask where things are going.

Remember: Time is a currency you are spending.

You are not being pushy. You are not being demanding. You are being wise with your time and your heart.

Here’s how to ask:

• “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you over the past few months. I’d love to know—where do you see this going?”

• “I’m looking for a committed relationship that leads to marriage. Are we on the same page?”

• “I need clarity. Are we moving toward something, or are we just talking?”

A man who is serious about you will not be offended by these questions. He will welcome the conversation.

But if there’s no clarity, no commitment, or he gets defensive or evasive—please move on.

Give yourself and someone else the chance to build the relationship, and ultimately the marriage, you desire.

You deserve more than a pseudo-relationship. You deserve clarity, commitment, and intention.

The Talking Stage Can Be Beautiful—If Done Well

Let me be clear: I’m not against the talking stage.

When done well and in a timely fashion, the talking stage is a beautiful way to transition from strangers to a couple.

It’s a season of discovery, connection, and discernment.

But a key component is time.

Time must be respected. Time must be valued. Time must not be wasted.

Use it wisely and let it work for you—not against you.

What If He’s Not Ready to Commit?

If you’ve asked for clarity at the 4-6 month mark and he says he’s “not ready,” here’s what you need to know:

He’s not ready for YOU.

Not ready for commitment after 4-6 months of talking regularly means one of two things:

1. He’s not that interested (and is keeping you as an option)

2. He’s emotionally unavailable or doesn’t know what he wants

Either way, it’s not your job to wait around until he figures it out.

You can’t convince a man to commit to you. You can’t make him see your value. You can’t force him to be ready.

What you can do is protect your time, your heart, and your future by walking away.

And trust me: When you walk away from what’s not meant for you, you create space for what is.

Protect Your Time Like You Protect Your Heart

Here’s the truth: You can heal from heartbreak. But you can never get back wasted time.

Every month you spend in a pseudo-relationship with a man who isn’t committing is a month you could have spent:

• Healing and growing

• Enjoying your singleness

• Meeting someone who IS ready

• Stewarding your time wisely

I know the talking stage feels safe. It feels like progress. It feels like something is happening.

But if it’s not moving toward commitment, it’s not progress. It’s stagnation.

And stagnation dressed up as connection is one of the most dangerous traps a single woman can fall into.

So protect your time like you protect your heart.

Set boundaries. Ask for clarity. And if you don’t get it—move on.

Your Time Matters

Sister, your time is precious.

God gave you this season—this day, this year, this life—to steward well.

Don’t spend it in a talking stage that leads nowhere.

Don’t give months and years to a man who won’t give you clarity and commitment.

Be wise with your time. Value it. Protect it.

And when the right man shows up—the one who knows what he wants and is ready to commit—you won’t have to wonder where things are going.

He’ll make it clear. He’ll move with intention. And he’ll honour your time.

That’s the man worth talking to.

Reflection Questions:

1. Have you been in a talking stage that lasted too long? What did you learn from it?

2. How do you currently value your time in relationships?

3. What boundaries do you need to set in the talking stage moving forward?

Share this with a friend who’s stuck in the talking stage. Let’s help more women protect their time and move toward commitment, not confusion.

It doesn’t announce itself. It doesn’t kick down your door. It just slips in when you’re tired of waiting, frustrated with your timeline, and watching everyone else get what you’ve been praying for.

And as a single woman, you must be aware of it.

Because desperation doesn’t just visit, it steals from you.

Here are three ways desperation robs you:

1. Desperation Steals Your Money

When you’re desperate, people will rob you of your hard-earned cash.

You’ll find yourself searching for shortcuts, such as courses or coaching programmes that promise you’ll be married in 6 months. They’ll tell you they have the secret formula, the magic strategy, the foolproof system.

But let me ask you this: How can such a promise be fulfilled?

Do those courses also provide the husband to marry you? Do they force him to show up and propose at the 6-month mark?

Of course not.

And yet, desperate women continue to pay for these promises. And when the 6 months pass, and there’s no ring, they’re left frustrated, broke, and saying, “I’ve tried everything to get married.”

There is no shortcut to God’s timing and the right marriage for you.

Instead of chasing quick fixes, lean into your season. Follow the wisdom you already have or are learning. Listen to the Holy Spirit’s leading. Prepare yourself intentionally, not desperately.

The right investment is in your growth, not in someone’s promise to deliver a husband on a timeline.

“The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.” Proverbs 21:5

2. Desperation Steals Your Peace

When you’re desperate, your heart is not settled. And where there’s no settledness, there’s no peace.

You’ll find yourself anxious, comparing, and obsessing over when it’ll be your turn. You’ll scroll through social media feeling jealous of every engagement announcement. You’ll lie awake at night wondering what’s wrong with you.

That’s desperation stealing your peace.

But it doesn’t stop there.

Desperation will also lead you to settle for relationships that steal your peace.

• You’ll stay with an inconsistent man because “at least he’s interested.”

• You’ll tolerate disrespect because “at least he’s a Christian.”

• You’ll ignore red flags because “at least I’m not alone.”

And before you know it, you’re in a relationship that drains you, confuses you, and leaves you with even less peace than before.

Being in the wrong relationship isn’t peaceful. And being single is better than a relationship that costs you your peace.

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.” Colossians 3:15

If you don’t have peace in the relationship, that’s your answer.

3. Desperation Steals Your Discernment

This is the most dangerous theft of all.

Desperation clouds your judgment. It makes you see what isn’t there. It gives you a false sense of reality.

A desperate heart cannot recognise the right man. So instead, men of poor character become your reality.

You’ll convince yourself that the situationship will turn into something real.
You’ll excuse his inconsistency as “he’s just busy.”
You’ll ignore his lack of vision as “he’s still figuring it out.”
You’ll overlook his refusal to commit as “he needs more time.”

And meanwhile, your friends and family are seeing what you can’t, or won’t, see.

When desperation steals your discernment, it feeds settling.

It tells you that what’s in front of you is all you can have. It whispers that waiting any longer is not possible. It convinces you to take who’s with you and “manage them.”

It feeds you a false sense of hope, even though, when you get quiet enough to reflect, you know this isn’t the right person for you.

But desperation is loud, and discernment is quiet.

So you ignore the still, small voice. You dismiss the red flags. You stay longer than you should because desperation has stolen your ability to see clearly.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” – Proverbs 4:23

When your heart is desperate, your discernment is compromised.

What to Do Instead

So if desperation steals your money, your peace, and your discernment, how do you protect yourself?

Here’s how:

1. Settle Your Heart

Go back to the basics. Remind yourself of your worth in Christ. Remember that your value is not tied to your relationship status.

You are not behind. You are not forgotten. You are not less valuable because you’re single.

Settle this truth deep in your heart, and desperation will have no place to land.

2. Stop Chasing Shortcuts

There is no magic formula for marriage. No course can guarantee a husband in 6 months. No coach can force a man to choose you.

But you can prepare yourself spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and practically for the marriage God has for you.

Invest in your growth. Work on your character. Heal from past wounds. Build a life you love.

That’s not wasted time. That’s wise stewardship.

3. Prioritise Peace Over Presence

If being with him costs you your peace, he’s not your person.

Stop settling for “at least” relationships:

• “At least he’s interested”

• “At least he’s a Christian”

• “At least I’m not alone”

Peace is not negotiable. And the right man will add to your peace, not steal it.

4. Guard Your Discernment

Don’t let desperation cloud your judgment.

Ask yourself:

• Am I seeing this man clearly, or am I seeing what I want to see?

• Am I making excuses for behaviour I wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else?

• Would I advise my best friend to stay in this relationship?

And most importantly: What is the Holy Spirit saying?

Listen to Him. Even when desperation is loud, His voice is true.

“But the Counsellor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things.” John 14:26

What I have learned that I want you to know.

Desperation is a thief. We’ve settled that. But you don’t have to let it steal from you.

When you settle your heart, invest wisely, prioritise peace, and guard your discernment, desperation has no power over you.

You become a woman who waits gracefully, not desperately.

~ A woman who knows her worth and refuses to settle.

~ A woman who trusts God’s timing more than she fears her own.

And that woman? She’s not desperate but prepared.

She’s not chasing but becoming who God called her to be.

And when the right man shows up, he won’t meet a desperate woman.

He’ll meet a woman who is whole, discerning, and ready.

That’s the woman you’re called to be in this single season.

Here are 2 reflection questions to help you see where your heart is and what you can do:

• Which area has desperation tried to steal from: your money, your peace, or your discernment?

• What’s one step you can take this week to protect yourself from desperation?

PS: Share this article with a friend who needs to hear it. Let’s help more women wait gracefully, not desperately.

In Article 1, I introduced you to the destiny-focused approach to marriage. We focused not on “When will I get married?” but on “What is God’s destiny for me, and who do I need to become?”

In Article 2, I walked you through the journey of becoming. This is the invitation to intimacy, stripping back, trust and surrender, obedience, self-awareness, emotional maturity, and an increase in blessings.

In Article 3, I shared the three truths you must settle in your heart. Your value isn’t tied to your relationship status, your destiny is your highest priority, and you must be willing to stay single if the person doesn’t align with that destiny.

Now, in this final article, I want to give you practical, actionable steps you can take to “become” while you wait.

Because it’s one thing to understand the concept. It’s another thing to live it out day by day.

So let’s talk about how you actually do this.

1. Grow Your Relationship with God

This is the foundation of everything.

If your relationship with God is weak, everything else will crumble.

But if your relationship with God is strong, everything else becomes clear: your identity, your purpose, your worth, and your discernment in relationships.

Practical Step:
Read your Bible daily. Not as a checkbox. Not as a religious duty. But as a conversation with the One who knows you best and loves you most.

Start with 15 minutes a day. Pick a book of the Bible and work through it slowly. I always recommend starting with the New Testament. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you through it.

And as you read, journal what you’re learning. Write down what God is highlighting. Track how He’s speaking to you.

Over time, this daily practice will transform you.

“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.” Psalm 119:105

2. Speak Life

The words you speak shape the world you live in.

If you constantly say, “There are no good men,” guess what you’ll keep experiencing? You guessed it. If you keep saying, “I’ll never get married,” guess what belief will dominate your mind?

Your words have power.

Practical Step:
Frame your world with your words (Hebrews 11:3).

Instead of speaking lack, speak abundance:

• “God has a husband for me, and he’s being prepared even now.”

• “I am becoming the woman my future husband is praying for.”

• “My wait is not wasted, it’s purposeful preparation.”

Write these declarations down. Speak them over yourself daily. Let your mouth agree with what God says about you, not what your circumstances or emotions are saying.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Proverbs 18:21

3. Ask for Revelation

You can’t become who you don’t know you’re supposed to be.

So you must ask the Holy Spirit: “Who am I? Who have You called me to be? What is my destiny?”

Practical Step:
Set aside time this week (30 minutes to an hour) to sit with God and ask Him these questions:

• “Why did You make me?”

• “What gifts, passions, and burdens have You placed in me?”

• “Who am I called to serve?”

• “What does my life look like 5 years from now if I’m walking fully in my destiny?”

Write down everything that comes to mind. Don’t judge it. Don’t dismiss it. Just capture it.

And then pray: “Holy Spirit, give me clarity. Show me who I’m meant to become.”

“Call to Me, and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things.” Jeremiah 33:3

4. Renew Your Mind

You were raised with certain beliefs about yourself, about men, about marriage, about life.

Some of those beliefs are true. Many of them are not.

Your job is to filter every belief through the Word of God and question what you were told starting from childhood.

Practical Step:
Identify one limiting belief you’ve been carrying. For example:

• “All men cheat”

• “I’m not good enough”

• “Marriage won’t happen for me”

• “I have to shrink to be loved”

Write it down. Then ask yourself: “Is this true according to God’s Word?”

Find Scriptures that counter that lie. Write them down. Speak them over yourself daily.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2

Renewing your mind is not passive. It’s active, intentional work.

5. Let Go of Pain

If you’re heartbroken, heal before entering a relationship so you don’t place the baggage of pain on the next person.

It is your personal responsibility to heal from pain and brokenness.

Not your future husband’s. Not your pastor’s. And not your friends’.

It. Is. Yours.

Practical Step:
If you’re carrying pain from past relationships, family wounds, or rejection, get help.

• See a Christian counsellor or therapist

• Join a support group

• Talk to a mentor or older, wiser woman

• Have talking sessions with the Holy Spirit

Don’t carry what God never asked you to carry.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

6. Build Kingdom Wealth

Do not wait for marriage to sort out your finances.

The woman your future husband is praying for is not broke, desperate, and financially irresponsible. She’s wise, generous, and prepared.

Practical Step:
Take control of your finances this month.

• Create a budget

• Track your spending

• Start an emergency fund (even if it’s just £10/week)

• Pay off debt aggressively

• Give generously to the Kingdom and charitable causes

• Increase your income (side business, promotion at work, investments)

God wants to bless you financially during your single season so that when you marry, you’re not a burden but a partner.

“And God is able to make all grace (every favour and earthly blessing) come to you in abundance…” 2 Corinthians 9:8

7. Practice Values-Based Dating

If you’re dating (or planning to), be clear on the qualities required for your destiny.

Don’t just date because there’s chemistry or because you are lonely. Date with intention and discernment.

Practical Step:
Before you go on another date, write down:

• Your top 5 core values

• The character traits your spouse MUST have

• The vision/calling alignment you need

And then, as you date, measure every man against that list.

If he doesn’t meet it, have the courage to walk away, no matter how charming, handsome, or “close enough” he seems.

Also: Show up with the consciousness that the Holy Spirit is present.

When I asked a group of 18-year-olds how far they would go physically with a guy if their dad was watching, they said, “Not much.”

The Holy Spirit is always present. Date like He’s in the room, because He is.

“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit?” 1 Corinthians 6:19

The Result of Living This Way

When you commit to these seven practices, here’s what happens:

You stop drifting and start living intentionally.
You stop shrinking and start shining fully.
You stop settling and start choosing wisely.
You stop waiting passively and start becoming actively.

And one day, maybe sooner than you think, your future husband will show up.

And when he does, he won’t meet a woman who’s been sitting around waiting for him to complete her.

He’ll meet a woman who is:

• Spiritually rooted

• Emotionally whole

• Financially stable

• Purposeful and clear

• Living fully in her calling

That’s the woman he’s been praying for.

And that’s the woman you’re becoming.

A Final Word: Be Conscious of Destiny

Let me leave you with this:

Be conscious of destiny; it is the ultimate driver.

Don’t live life accidentally but intentionally.

As you do, you will become attractive to your spouse and valuable to the Kingdom.

And when the time comes, you won’t just be ready for marriage.

You’ll be ready for destiny.

Closing Prayer:

Father, I pray that You support, strengthen, and empower every woman reading this to be everything You have called her to be. Give her clarity on her destiny. Give her the courage to wait for Your best in marriage. Give her confidence in who she’s becoming. In Jesus’ name, amen.

P.S. If you want ongoing support as you “become” this year, I’d love for you to join the Waiting Gracefully Community. It’s where we do this journey together: clarifying destiny, growing in God, and preparing for the marriages He has for us. Learn more HERE

I didn’t get married until I was 33.

And for most of those years, I struggled. I was anxious, frustrated, comparing myself to everyone else, and constantly asking God, “When? When will it be my turn?”

But then something shifted.

The moment I settled my heart on some fundamental truths, everything changed.

Not because a man suddenly showed up (he didn’t, at least not right away). But because I changed.

My perspective changed. My peace changed. My confidence changed.

And eventually, my circumstances changed too.

Today, I want to share with you the three truths I had to settle in my heart before I could step into the marriage God had for me.

Because if your heart isn’t settled, you’ll keep struggling, no matter how much you pray, fast, or “believe God” for a husband.

Truth 1: I Am Valuable, Whether I Am Single or Married

This is the foundation of everything.

Marriage or relationships do not define my worth.

My worth is defined by being a child of God.

I know that sounds simple. You’ve probably heard it before. But do you actually believe it?

Because here’s the test: If you found out today that you would never get married, would you still feel valuable? Would you still feel like your life has meaning and purpose?

Or would you feel like a failure?

For years, I struggled with this. Deep down, I believed that being single meant something was wrong with me. That I wasn’t good enough, and I was less valuable than my married friends.

But that’s a lie.

Your value as a person has nothing to do with your relationship status.

Even if the circumstances of your birth were messy (like mine; I grew up in a polygamous home), even if your past is full of mistakes, even if you’ve been rejected or overlooked, God is concerned with who you are in Christ.

And in Christ, you are:

• Chosen and royalty (1 Peter 2:9)

• Loved (1 John 3:1)

• Redeemed (Ephesians 1:7)

• A new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)

• God’s masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10)

Your value is settled. It’s not up for negotiation. It’s not dependent on a ring or a wedding date.

And when you settle this truth in your heart, everything shifts.

You stop desperately chasing relationships because you need validation. You stop settling because you’re afraid of being alone or lonely. You stop shrinking because you think being “too much” will scare men away.

Instead, you become secure, confident and whole.

And that woman? The woman you become as you do? She’s attractive.

Truth 2: My Destiny Is My Highest Priority

Whether married or single, my destiny in Christ is my ultimate focus.

Not my relationship status. Not my desire for marriage. Not what society says I should have achieved by now.

My destiny.

Here’s what I had to realise: Marriage is not the goal. Fulfilling God’s purpose for my life is THE goal.

Marriage is just one context for doing that. It’s a means, not the end.

And if I make marriage the goal, I’ll spend my whole life chasing something that was never meant to be the centre of my life.

If I make destiny the goal, marriage falls into its proper place, as a partnership that helps me fulfil what God has called me to do.

This is what I see in Genesis 24 with Isaac and Rebekah.

Abraham didn’t just say, “Find Isaac a nice wife.” He said, “Find him a wife who aligns with the path he’s on; the destiny God has for him.”

Because destiny alignment matters more than chemistry, attraction, or even compatibility.

If the person doesn’t align with where God is taking you, they’re not your person, even if they check all the other boxes.

So the question becomes: Do you know your destiny?

• Do you know why God made you?

• Do you know what God has called you to do?

• Do you know where He’s taking you?

If not, that’s your work during singleness. Not just “waiting for a husband,” but clarifying your destiny.

Ask God:

• “Why did You make me?”

• “What gifts, passions, and burdens have You placed in my heart?”

• “Who are You calling me to serve?”

• “What impact am I meant to make?”

And as those answers become clear, you’ll also become clear on what kind of person you need beside you to fulfil that calling.

Truth 3: If the Person Before Me Doesn’t Align with My Destiny, I Will Stay Single

This is the hardest truth to settle, but it’s the most important.

Abraham told his servant Eliezer, “If you can’t find a woman willing to come and follow this path, do NOT take Isaac back to the old land.”

In other words, if she doesn’t align with his destiny, he stays single.

Not “he compromises, “settles for someone close enough,” or “he’ll figure it out later, let him just marry her first.”

He stays single.

And you must be willing to do the same.

You must be willing to say: “If this person doesn’t align with my destiny, I will walk away, even if I love them, the chemistry is incredible, or everyone thinks we’re perfect together.”

Because marrying the wrong person doesn’t just affect you. It affects your destiny.

Can two walk together unless they agree? (Amos 3:3)

If you’re called to influence government and he wants a housewife, you’re not aligned. If you’re called to missions overseas and he refuses to leave his hometown, you’re not aligned. If you’re passionate about Kingdom business and he has no vision for wealth-building, you’re not aligned.

And no amount of prayer, fasting, or “believing God” will make misalignment work.

This doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. It just means he’s not YOUR person.

And that’s okay.

God already has a type of the person who carries the qualities, character, and vision that align with where He’s taking you.

But you have to be willing to wait for them and pass on everyone else in the meantime, no matter how good they look on paper.

What Happens When You Settle These Truths

When you settle these three truths in your heart, here’s what changes:

1. You Stop Living Desperate

You stop accepting breadcrumbs from men who won’t commit, staying in situationships hoping they’ll turn into something more or settling for “good enough” because you’re afraid of being alone.

You become secure. Confident. Clear.

And that desperation for marriage? It disappears.

2. You Start Living Intentionally

You stop drifting through life waiting for marriage to start your “real life.” Your real life is here and now.

You start pursuing your purpose, building your career, investing in yourself, and making an impact now.

You become purposeful, alive and thriving.

And that woman? She’s the one your future husband has been praying for.

3. You Attract the Right Person

When you’re secure in your value, clear on your destiny, and willing to stay single if necessary, you become attractive to the right person.

Because you’re not chasing, desperate or shrinking.

You’re shining.

And the man who is supposed to walk this path with you? He’ll recognise you.

Not because you’re perfect. But because you’re aligned.

Your Work This Week

Before you move on, take some time to settle these truths in your heart.

Write them down. Pray over them. Let them sink deep into your spirit.

Truth 1: I am valuable, whether I am single or married.

Truth 2: My destiny is my highest priority.

Truth 3: If the person before me doesn’t align with my destiny, I will stay single.

Read them every day. Declare them over your life. Let them become the foundation you build on.

Because once your heart is settled, everything else falls into place.

Instead of obsessing and worrying over “When will I get married?” I invited you to ask: “What is God’s destiny for my life, and who do I need to become to fulfil it?”

Today, I want to take you deeper into what I call “Single and Becoming.”

Because here’s the truth: Your single season is not a waiting room. It’s a preparation ground.

And what you’re preparing for is not just marriage. You’re preparing for your destiny.

To Be Single and Becoming

“Single and Becoming” is a journey toward destiny, not marriage.

Marriage is just one means to fulfil your God-given destiny. It’s a context, not the goal.

And if you get that mixed up, you’ll spend your single years frustrated, anxious, and desperate while constantly asking, “When, God? When?”

But when you understand that this season is about becoming, everything shifts.

You stop putting your life on hold and stop shrinking to make room for a man who isn’t even here yet. You stop settling because you’re tired of waiting.

Instead, you start asking: “Who is God calling me to become?”

And that question changes everything.

What Happens on the Journey of Becoming

Let me walk you through what happens when you commit to the journey of becoming. These are the things God will do in you during your single season.

1. Invitation to Intimacy

The first thing that happens is an invitation to follow God keenly and closely.

Just like God invited Abraham to leave everything he knew and follow Him, God is inviting you into a deeper relationship.

Revelation 4:1 says, “Come up here, and I will show you things which must take place after this.”

There are secrets about your destiny that God will only reveal in the secret place of a relationship with Him.

Not in the busyness, striving or the social media scrolling.

Revelation happens in the secret place.

When you accept the invitation to intimacy, God begins to show you who you are, why He made you, and where He’s taking you.

And that clarity becomes the foundation for everything else, including your marriage.

2. Stripping Back

Next, God will “tell” you to strip back relationships and activities that do not align with destiny. And this isn’t a loud voice as much as it is a sense you’ll have that it is time to move on or let go.

He will ask you to leave behind what you know as “normal” so He can change you.

This is uncomfortable. It might mean:

• Letting go of friendships that keep you stuck in old patterns

• Leaving behind toxic relationships or situationships

• Saying no to activities that drain you and don’t build you up

• Releasing the need to be in a relationship just to feel valuable

God strips back so He can build up.

And here’s why this matters: Marriage is an amplifier.

If you haven’t worked on what’s inside you, marriage will amplify the “nonsense” inside you. Yeah, I said nonsense because we’ve received one form junk or the other at some point in our lives.

If you’re insecure, marriage will amplify your insecurity.
If you’re controlling, marriage will amplify your need for control.
If you’re emotionally immature, marriage will amplify your inability to handle conflict.

God is doing you a favour by stripping back now, so you don’t carry unnecessary baggage into your marriage.

3. Trust and Surrender

You will be invited to surrender your agenda and timeline for His.

I had it all planned out: Married by 25. Kids by 30.

But God had a different timeline.

My younger sister, who married before me, once told me something profound: “Life is like a class; you repeat it until you learn the lesson.”

In hindsight, I realised I wasn’t ready at 25. God was still working on me. And if I had married when I wanted to, I wouldn’t have been prepared for the man He had for me.

Worst case, I would have been divorced.

Trust and surrender means saying: “God, I trust Your timing more than I trust my own desires.”

It means releasing the pressure to be married by a certain age.

It means believing that God’s delays are not denials; they’re preparations.

4. Learning Obedience

God will train you in quick obedience.

He’ll give you instructions that don’t make sense, and He’ll watch to see if you’ll obey anyway.

For example, God told me to leave Brighton (where I was living) and travel an hour and a half to attend church weekly in London.

It didn’t make sense and was inconvenient. That instruction tested me, but I obeyed.

And that’s where I eventually met my husband.

Quick obedience positions you for destiny moments.

God is testing: “Will you follow Me even when it’s uncomfortable? Even when you don’t understand?”

Because if you won’t follow Him in the small things during singleness, how will you follow Him in the big things during marriage?

5. Increasing Self-Awareness

You must increase in knowing who you are and let go of old beliefs and family patterns.

For me, this meant confronting the patterns I inherited from growing up in a polygamous home.

There was a pattern in my family of women attracting married men. When it happened to me, I had a choice: repeat the pattern or break it.

Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law (Galatians 3:13) and made us new creatures (2 Corinthians 5:17).

If you see a pattern, it doesn’t mean you aren’t free. You are free in Christ Jesus. Those patterns no longer apply to you. But you must consciously choose not to engage with the patterns.

You must ask:

• What beliefs did I inherit that aren’t true?

• What patterns am I repeating that need to stop?

• What lies have I believed about myself (especially my identity), men, or marriage?

And then, with the help of the Holy Spirit, you must renew your mind.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2

6. Emotional Maturity

You must also become emotionally mature.

If you are heartbroken, heal before entering a relationship so you don’t place your painful baggage on the next person.

If you’re angry, bitter, or resentful from past relationships, deal with it now.

You must focus your mind on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable (Philippians 4:8).

Let go of beliefs like:

• “All men are cheats”

• “I’ll never find anyone”

• “There are no good men left”

Those are lies. And if you believe them, you’ll sabotage every relationship you enter.

Emotional maturity means taking responsibility for your healing.

It’s not your future husband’s job to fix you. It’s not marriage’s job to complete you.

You must come into marriage whole, not perfect, but healed and emotionally healthy.

7. Increase in Wealth and Blessings

Finally, there is an increase in wealth and material blessings during the journey of becoming.

Look at Isaac and Rebekah’s story. Their union was a coming together of people who had increased in wealth, not so they could hoard it, but so they could bring the Kingdom into everyday living.

God wants to bless you financially during your single season so that when you marry, you’re not a financial burden. You’re meant to be a financial partner.

Don’t wait for marriage to sort out your finances.

Build Kingdom wealth now.

Learn to budget. Get out of debt. Save. Give generously. Steward your money well.

Because the woman your future husband is praying for is not broke, desperate, and financially irresponsible.

She’s wise, generous, and prepared.

The Result of Becoming

When you commit to the journey of becoming, here’s what happens:

You stop obsessing over “When will I get married?”

You start thriving in “Who am I becoming?”

You stop shrinking to make room for a man.

You start shining in the fullness of who God created you to be.

You stop settling out of desperation.

You start choosing wisely out of clarity.

And when your future husband shows up? He doesn’t meet a woman who’s been sitting around waiting.

He meets a woman who has been becoming spiritually rooted, emotionally whole, financially stable, purposeful, and ready.

That’s the woman he’s been praying for.

And that’s the woman you’re called to be

Next in the series: Settling Your Heart: Three Truths Every Single Woman Must Believe

Often, they’ll say, “I want a Kingdom marriage”—meaning they want God to have a hand in it.

But when I ask how they’re going about it, the answer is always some version of: “I’m dating and hoping for the best.”

I know that feeling because I was there too.

I come from a polygamous home with significantly older siblings, and one of them loved buying Mills & Boon romance novels. From age nine or ten, I started reading them, burying my head in the joys of being wooed.

This led to me dating way too early and getting my heart broken too many times.

I always loved love. But the enemy wanted to corrupt it by showing me an alternative to what the Kingdom signified as love and marriage.

From dating in my teenage years, I got up to all sorts of things in university. I was trying to find love, but I was looking in all the wrong places with all the wrong methods.

Maybe you can relate because you’ve tried all sorts of means to get married.

The Methods We Use

When I talk to single women today, I hear all kinds of approaches to finding a husband:

• “I’m praying and fasting for God to settle me maritally” (but when I ask “what else?”, they have nothing)

• “I sowed a marriage seed”

• “I’m hoping a man of God will lay hands on me for a marital breakthrough”

• “I bought items for my marital home in faith” (some even buy a wedding gown)

• “I’m on dating apps”

• “I’m hoping for matchmaking”

These are all methods people use to try to get married.

And I’m not here to condemn any of them. But I want to introduce you to a different approach—one that changed everything for me.

The Destiny Perspective

I come to marriage from a different angle: the angle of destiny.

Most of us focus on “I want to be married.”

But we rarely focus on “I want to fulfil the destiny that God has for me.”

Here’s what Scripture says about your destiny:

Genesis 1:28 – God created male and female and told them to be fruitful, multiply, and have dominion.

Ephesians 2:10 – “For we are God’s handiwork, created anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” (NLT)

Jeremiah 1:5 – “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Psalm 139:13-16 – “For it was you who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb... Your eyes saw me when I was formless. All my days were written in your book and planned before a single one of them began.”

Every single one of us has been created by God for His purpose. We have a destiny in Christ—set in motion before we even showed up on earth.

Many of us come to marriage wanting our emotional or relational needs met. And that’s not wrong; those are real needs.

But as a Christian woman, you must come to your marriage from the direction of destiny.

The Story of Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24)

Let me take you to Genesis 24, the story of how Isaac got his wife. It’s one of the most destiny-focused marriage stories in Scripture.

Abraham decided it was time for his son Isaac, to have a wife. But he didn’t just say, “Go find my son a nice woman.” He gave very specific instructions to his servant, Eliezer.

Abraham wanted Isaac to marry someone who knew the path he was following.

You see, Abraham’s father had stopped his own journey with God after losing a child. So, God called Abraham to continue that journey, a journey that would ultimately lead to Jesus Christ.

Everything about Isaac’s life was destiny-focused. God didn’t speak about Isaac’s brother Ishmael in the context of the covenant sacrifice because everything is about destiny.

Abraham told Eliezer: Go back to my homeland and find a wife for Isaac among my relatives; that is, people who know the God we serve.

But here’s the key instruction: If you can’t find a woman willing to follow, do NOT take Isaac back to the old land.

In other words: If the woman doesn’t align with the destiny path Isaac is on, she’s not the one, even if she’s beautiful, even if she’s available, and even if she’s a believer.

I hope you are seeing what’s going on here.

Destiny alignment matters more than availability.

What This Means for You

Your single season is not just about “waiting for a husband.”

Your single season is about clarifying your destiny.

You must ask yourself: “Abba, what is Your heart about my being? Why did You make me?”

I was single for over 10 years. I didn’t get married until I was 33. But the moment I settled my heart on some fundamental truths, everything changed.

Here’s what you must settle:

1. I am valuable whether I am single or married.

Marriage or relationships do not define my worth. My worth is defined by being a child of God.

Even if the circumstances of your birth were messy (like mine: growing up in a polygamous home), God is concerned with who you are in Christ.

2. My destiny is my highest priority.

Whether married or single, my destiny in Christ is my ultimate focus.

Marriage is not the goal. Fulfilling God’s purpose for my life is THE goal. Marriage is just one context for doing that.

3. If the person before me doesn’t align with my destiny, I will stay single.

This is the hardest one. But it’s the most important.

Abraham told Eliezer: If the woman won’t come, don’t take Isaac back. Don’t compromise the destiny path for a relationship.

You must be conscious that the person God wants alongside you has already been set aside. They carry the qualities, the character, and the vision that align with where God is taking you.

A Quick Clarification: “The One”

Let me pause here because I know someone is thinking, “Wait, are you saying there’s only ONE person for me?”

Not exactly.

It’s not about a specific “one person,” but a type of person.

Think of it like this: A size 12 waistcoat can be worn by any woman who is a size 12. The qualities God has inspired for your spouse can be carried by many people.

But once you marry someone, they become “the one” because you’ve made a covenant with them.

The key is: Are they the type of person who aligns with your destiny? Do they carry the qualities, character, and vision that fit the path God has you on?

That’s what you’re looking for.

The Invitation

So here’s my invitation to you:

Stop focusing solely on “I want to be married.”

Start focusing on: “I want to fulfil the destiny God has for me.”

And as you do that, ask yourself:

• What kind of person would I need beside me to fulfil this calling?

• What character traits, values, and vision must they have?

• Am I becoming the woman my destiny requires?

Because here’s the beautiful truth: When you focus on destiny, the right marriage follows.

When you focus on becoming who God called you to be, you become attractive to the person who is supposed to walk that path with you.

Marriage is not the destination. Destiny is.

And when you get that order right, everything changes.