(Vulnerability) - the state of being open to harm, damage, or attack, with a physical, emotional, or technical. It describes a weak point or lack of defense that a threat or a risk can exploit.

Last week, I saw a confronting Instagram reel. The influencer didn’t pose a question, She didn’t introduce the idea “kindly”. The only room she left for you was only to confront your own behavior. She stated, “You're not a vulnerable person you think you are, but, you're not vulnerable, You're just being transparent. You can say the right things, you can think you’re being honest, but are you being vulnerable.

The influencer mentioned the intimate moments that come from being vulnerable and not just transparency, I was confused, because well, they're so similar. Being transparent and vulnerable are very similar concepts. They are, They both come from the root of honesty. So how is being honest, not vulnerable? Right? And as I'm watching it, I pause it and immediately instead of questioning this concept, I go to judging the people in my life who have claimed they are vulnerable, but “in my eyes” they seemed more transparent than anything. Through that, I put myself on a pedestal of being like, well, I'm a vulnerable person. I can express my emotions, I'm a good listener, i can say the right things, but is it really about just “saying the right things”

ARE YOU VULNERABLE ENOUGH TO BE PRESENT IN YOUR OWN LIFE?

The other day, me and my roommates got invited out to a spoken word event. I had ordered these new pair of jeans that I've been waiting for, I'm talking about these MFSSSS IS HARDD. And I love clothes So, it's a thing of like, sure, I can put the jeans on immediately, but like I need to nerd out over it first (DUH). we have this app called fetch and fetch is a 3rd party delivery app to where, they'll let you know if you’re package has been delivered to the facility, then the company sends the package to you’re apartment. it's bullshit I know, but like that's, you know, apartment living shit. So I get the fetch notification that it's coming today. I’m like, holy shit.

The entire day I'm just refreshing the app. I'm like, bro, where's the shit at? So, it comes time to get ready for the event. The event was at 7 o'clock, So, I'm brushing my teeth, And I look at my phone and I get a notification from Fetch that the jeans have been delivered. I'm freaking out, I'm like, yo, let's go! I was literally about to run out of my bathroom with the fucking toothpaste in my mouth, you know, dumb shit. like I'm not 22 years old, But you can tell from that, I was just very excited to get these jeans.

The packaging is crazy, this is some real deal shit. So, I go in my room, and it feels like a youtube unboxing video the way I'm freaking out over it. I literally yelled in my room because this is the coldest pair of jeans I've ever owned in my life. I'm looking at the color, the wash, the texture. Think about how, cowboys have jeans where the base layer is denim, but the top layer of it is leather. So think about that, but Both of the layers are denim, the top layer of the jeans can unbutton and button back up. So it changes the silhouette of the jeans, It makes it so interesting.

So I try them on, I'm like, bro what the fuck? You can unbutton this shit. like I'm tweaking over the jeans. I know you're supposed to get jeans and wash them, but immediately, I put the jeans on. I'm like, I'll put something under So it's not nasty, but bro, I need to wear these jeans tonight because mind you, I have to leave in 10 minutes. So immediately I'm planning a fit around it. And I put on a nice ass outfit, I had a leather jacket with, a Virgin Mary t-shirt, then I had on custom graffiti Adidas superstars with pink laces. So like, man, it was a fit of hell. I'm just looking myself in the mirror taking pictures. I'm just like, oh my god, I feel like that nigga.

So then, I'm like, bro, where are my brooches? I'm looking all over my room trying to find these brooches, I then get a text message from my roommate. He's like, yo, where you at? And I'm like… shit, I want to find these brooches, but also too, I don't know how to communicate that. Like, I don't know how to tell him, hey sorry can you give me a second? I looking for something to make my outfit better. I didn't feel comfortable telling him that, the idea of having to be honest about it wasn’t comfortable for me. So I decided to lie, the most convenient lie that I think in my head was that i lost my wallet.

I know if I say this I can get a little bit of grace, they can attach it with the reality of well, Allen does lose a lot of shit. So if I can tell them this I'll get some form of grace in my head, whatever the fuck I was thinking. I tell my roommate this, and it was funny because he was like, I lost my wallet too, and I was laughing, I'm like, well, that worked out, now let me try to find these brooches. Mind you, I can be honest at the fact that I lost my brooches and just tell my roommate the truth, but that would require honesty. I end up finding them, rushing through my room, I put on this sweet cashmere vanilla perfume mixed with a citrus cologne, I’m FEELING LIKE THE MAN.

I leave the apartment and entered the elevator, And immediately as the doors shut, a pit in my stomach grew… so heavy that the confidence that radiated so brightly in my room has now turned into anxiety. I then ask myself Why am I nervous? Mind you, these are my roommates, the same people I see every day, the same people I do business with, my childhood best friends. Why am I nervous? The elevators that once felt like the quickest six flags ride, has now felt like experiencing rushing turbulence on a flight, that has felt like an eternity. The elevator door opens, I already see one of my roommates. He sees the outfit, he's going crazy. He's like, yo, those jeans are crazy, my other roommates said the same. Everyone’s dressed for comfort besides me, you could tell by my roommates expressions that they just wanted to relax. I felt odd, the confidence that I felt has completely disappeared, the new narrative that my mind has run with was “I'm doing too much”. I started self-deprecating, Allen, did you really make them wait looking for brooches for this shit ass outfit? That's immediately what I thought.

we get in the car, I'm completely dissociated to anything happening during the car ride, I'm embarrassed, I just made them wait to make this outfit look good. Like, what do you look like? Are you like, that self obsessed or like, do you want to make everything about yourself? Do you want to make this big scene? Mind you, everyone said it was nice. No one said anything bad, nothing bad happened. these are my childhood best friends, the people I should find the most safety in right? What the fuck is wrong with you Allen? I’ve destroyed myself mentally and we haven’t even arrived at the event yet.

“SELF-DEPRECATION WILL DESTROY YOU”

We get to the spoken word, Instantly I hear “YALL FROM THE JAAM POD” I wanted to crawl in a corner and stay there, The anxiety was paralyzing, thoughts from the car, thoughts of meeting a fan’s expectations of how they perceive you, thoughts of just being enough. I dissociated from the entire event, social interactions felt like time wasn’t moving. I wasn’t present, the only thoughts that played in my fragile mind were, Why do I not feel comfortable, why is it hard for me to say things I want to say, how do I say things when I'm alone or when I'm talking to my roommates, why do I feel like I have to keep my hands in my pocket, Why am I stiff, Why do my shoulders feel heavy, Why do I feel nervous, Why do I feel uncomfortable, Why do I feel like I'm not even in my own skin? When the event was over, people wanted to take pictures with us, the camera felt as though someone pointed a gun at me. Each flash felt like judgment, new insecurities popping up with each flash, every interaction felt like a test I needed to pass to feel “accepted”, you would think having supporters praising you would be amazing. But how can a person who can’t even love themselves receive praise from others, that would require a little bit of vulnerability don’t you think?

The car ride home was agonizing, tears swelling up as I look at the Chicago skylines, the glimmering lights reflecting from the lakefront. Trying to hold it together until I got home. we arrived at our apartment, my roommates chose to go outside to smoke, I chose solitude. I went upstairs and immediately, I started bawling, crying. I'm, uncontrollably crying, Like, crying like a baby, I'm like, the fuck, man? I just felt exhausted because no matter how hard I try, I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin, feeling that paralyzing feeling of having to “perform” I feel like I've been doing that for years, I'm exhausted of it. I am so tired of going in this endless loop, For years. As the tears finally start to dry up, suddenly the quiet whispers of my thoughts played a confronting question to me. What does it mean to genuinely to be vulnerable? I realized in that moment I am not a vulnerable person, I'm just a really good actor. I know the “perfect” things to say, I know how to adjust my attitude to avoid confrontation, hell i even know how to lie just to not confront the fears of being vulnerable.

.

I started the day feeling good about myself, I had this amazing outfit that I deemed amazing, Immediately when I went downstairs to meet my roommates, what I deemed amazing wasn’t that anymore. Why did I lie about this wallet when I could have been honest, I could have told my roommate that I’m looking for my brooches, to make my outfit look better, to make myself feel better, to make... I don’t know, be human. And I couldn’t do that because all I know how to do is perform. How can I be vulnerable with myself if I don’t even like myself as a person. For me to talk about myself in a good light means I then have to be honest, But to be that I have to be open to any form of judgment or any narrative that is being painted about me. It could have been a thing of my roommate being like, bro, you got us waiting for brooches? or it could have been a thing of like, oh, okay, bro, but just know like the Uber's coming, and it’s all good.

I couldn't be vulnerable in that moment because... I couldn't say the thing that implied I’m doing something nice for myself, I've never done that, I had to just be transparent, I had to lie. even at the event, I'm thinking about what to say, I’m trying to pick up on the conversation, Not because I'm enjoying the conversation, not because I'm present to the conversation, but because I want survive the conversation. So I can stop feeling what I feel, this feeling we call anxiety.

when you're performing, the narratives that are in your head, the anxiety in your head, they become real. You're not honest to who YOU ARE, I went from in my room, looking in the mirror, feeling good about myself, to now I'm in the same bawling crying. And nothing has happened, No one has said anything bad to me, No one has done anything bad to me, I'm the only one doing bad things to myself. Your body will know when your not genuine, When you have to dim your own light to survive social interactions. I perform on a daily basis, I perform to protect myself, I perform to mask myself. As I've gotten older, the disingenuous feeling of having to perform is starting to get debilitating for me. To the point to where, like, I'm bawling, crying, and nothing has happened. And I haven't even wore the jeans since then. I let a narrative win over my mind that wasn’t even true to begin with.

I am scared to now put on an outfit that looks good and have to experience the anxieties of that. When in reality, that makes no sense. Presenting your own individuality through the lens of “transparency” will never allow you to beat your mental issues, beat your own insecurities, to fully be able to live life truly. I'm being transparent even to myself, I realized it's hard for me to talk about myself in a good light because, when you have been performing, that is how you protect yourself, That is how you present yourself on a day-to-day basis. How can I ever be comfortable in my skin? you can't even express yourself candidly.

The people I have met who can candidly can be themselves, who love being themselves, who aren’t afraid of talking about themselves. are the most vulnerable people I've met.

“DESTROY THE MASK”

Being vulnerable isn't about the introspection, It isn't about that deep conversation, Being vulnerable is being able to express yourself through fear, through judgment, through being attacked, and still loving yourself. we have all met that person who’s energy is so infectious that you can’t help but smile. That is what it means to impact people, that’s where intimate moments are built. Leaving someone with that infectious moment of vulnerability is the realest thing you can experience in a world where authenticity is decaying.

We went to see a Spider-Man: Brand New Day the other day, and I couldn't even fully express my opinions on it because I'm scared in the narrative of my mind of, they're going to be like, oh, here this nigga, go making simple things deeper, being a philosopher, Hear this nigga go, trying to be misunderstood. Through my repeated behavior, I have been quiet for years. I have not fully put myself out there, You can't put yourself out there while being transparent. There's nothing real about it.

You're stuck, You need to be able to experience those emotions and move past it, to be able to grow. I've just been stuck, I am stuck on these horrible narratives about myself, I am stuck with social anxiety. I hate hearing my voice, I am 22 years old and there has never been a time where I'm like, I love my voice. I hate hearing myself back, That's what happens when you mask yourself every single day, you will forget you even had a voice.

I deem myself a very curious person, I can't even ask people a lot of the questions I have, I go to Reddit and ask questions, You know how crazy that is? I feel more comfortable going online asking questions, rather than going to my closest homies and asking them the stupid question. It's crazy, bro.

I'm starting to realize as I get older, it's crazy how like, there is a root to all the actions that you do on an everyday basis. How we protect ourselves can be a direct root from trauma, some people like myself protect ourselves through being transparent, through not being honest, through dimming our lights to the point to where you can't be seen, you can't be judged, you can't be attacked, because how can you be judged when you have shown nothing? I'm just being nothing, I'm being cliche at best. Rather than other people don’t protect themselves, who can express themselves, who can just be….. them.

I want to be that person,

I want to be that person who can Just feel good about themselves and be able to express it with everyone.

I can't even talk about my passions. Let me not talk about the art I love, Let me not talk about simple concepts that I can make deep, I feel as though, I'll be judged for it and I can't take being judged, I can't, I hate being judge, I hate even the thought of someone judging me. I can't do this shit no more, I can't be like this no more. I can't That's why I started this SubStack to change despite the insecurities. I was so fucking nervous, even just recording myself, and writing this, I always thought i was stupid, I'm a high school dropout. Man, I've been in accelerated reading classes. I've always been the lowest level at literacy. Despite all that I will lead my life though vulnerability, and learn to love myself and shine so bright that I can impact others. That’s what it means to be vulnerable, to throw away all the doubt, throw away the mask, throw away the preconceived notions I have about my identity, True vulnerability leads to change you didn’t even know you were capable of.